Hello and welcome again to "No-one'space" where you and I have a mutual, relatable space where we can share and discuss our stories together. Today, we will go to that one place you were ignoring for a long time. Yes, you guessed it right, or just read the title, basically. This article is about emotional growth, relationships, and life in general. Digging that emotional pit comes second in the "The most annoying pain" list after stubbing your toe against a wooden drawer. I'm kidding, stubbing your toe is way more hurtful. But I'm not here to trigger your trauma or give you a vivid flashback of your previous relationship, so don't worry. Instead, I will be more generic about this topic, try to be as wholesome as possible, and keep certain things buried and private. Although, before we carry on, I should tell you that it's more of a roller coaster ride compared to the last article. If you didn't check the last article, why are you the way you are???
Anyway, to make this more thought out, and organized we will talk about 2 different aspects. So, are you ready for the emotional roller coaster?
Emotional Stability: Emotional stability means you can withstand difficult situations, handle adversity, and remain productive and capable throughout. Recently, I asked myself when was the last time I felt like that, and guess what? Can't really remember. But I'm more stable now, though. Yeah, I finally reached that place where I can find some peace within myself. And I will tell you how. But first, let me talk about some stuff regarding this topic. I struggled a lot emotionally throughout my life. Mainly because I'm a little more sensitive than those around me and the fact I'm socially anxious all the time outside my bubble. I grew up getting used to care about pleasing people around me to gain more agreeability. Which compelled me to do some dull stuff and take stupid decisions to be liked or admired that I'm
not really proud of. Lately, I just came around the term "People pleaser" and wow, how can this be more accurate?! If you don't know what a "People pleaser" is, then here's a definition. A typical "People pleaser" is someone everyone considers helpful and kind. When you need help with a project or someone to help you study for an exam, they're more than willing to step up. No surprise, I was always socially anxious. I thought I should gain the attention and likability of every person I meet. I desperately sought validation from people. People I genuinely don't care about them or their opinions which is pathetic. So guess what I used as a coping mechanism? You got it right, or wrong. I don't really know what you said. But the answer is hiding in the shadows so I won't be forced to please ANYONE. The second you address the problem, you will find yourself voluntarily saying no to many things you don't really want. You will chase the things you really want and need instead. Because you now have the emotional capacity and the energy that were wasted before. It took me time to realize and to change this fact. And now, I feel more comfortable in my skin and more confident because I know I won't ever be in the wrong place or used by the wrong ones. Yes, it's as exhausting as it sounds to get to that peace, but it's worth it. We are different, of course. And every one of us has their own different problems that are not letting them be more emotionally stable and causing emotional distress. But, think of emotional stability as a straight rope, and these problems are the nodes on this line. More emotional stability and capacity means a more uninterrupted straight line with fewer nodes. Cleaning off these nodes is a process that could take days, months, or even years to figure out, depending on how far back the problem roots are. So, let's break down this process into steps and see what we can do, shall we?!
Addressing your own problems: Most of the time, the problem started with something that happened to you and changed the course of your emotional growth curve. It could be
something that happened to you in your childhood, adolescence, or even adulthood. You need to find that unwanted change, that one thing that disturbed you and stopped you from being you. It's the most complicated part of the process. Because you don't know where to start from or what you are looking for really. So for this, you need to be more conscious of your emotions as they arise and flow. You need to focus more on your actions and ask yourself why you are doing a particular action once you feel something strange doing it. This step is about connecting with yourself more, whether it's your child-self, teen-self, or your adult-self. And validating your emotions and thoughts. This will help you gain more self-awareness and better self-understanding as you go. So, start rooting down these problems and give yourself time and space. Because it's energy and time-consuming.
Acknowledging the problem: So you found the problem that was distressing you emotionally, so what now? Let it be just part of you. There's a very awakening quote I could use here by Will Smith, "It really doesn’t matter whose fault it is that something is broken. It’s your responsibility to fix it. It's not your fault if your partner cheated and ruined your marriage. But it is for damn sure your responsibility to figure out how to take that pain and how to overcome that and build a happy life for yourself. Fault and responsibility do not go together as socks." When coming to the realization of the problem, don't look for who's to blame or whose fault it is. Don't feel sorry for yourself either, because this will put you and your life on hold, consume you and leave you alone. Remember why you were looking for what was bothering you in the first place. You wanted to get better, to fix what's broken. And this is what really matters. Accept the fact that you're here, let it be part of you, and take responsibility.
Taking action: Taking action is the last step. I got to be honest, I'm not very good at telling people what to do. Because I'm still figuring things out myself. But I have some thoughts that I wished I would have known before. First, don't rush any action. You're in a frail time with very little energy, and that is the formula of bad decisions. Take some time and recharge. Also, talk to some of your close friends or someone who knows you very well, and remember being vulnerable and open is liberating, you need that. Second, do not be extreme. The best action is rather thought out and rational than sentimental. Take a few steps back and analyze the whole thing from an outer perspective. And remember, this is like a jump between two buildings. If you jump right away, you probably will fall. You need to take a few steps back, so you can jump to the other side and go forward. Third, do not punish yourself. If you feel you're in the "Self Punishment" mood, do not take any actions yet. Not only it's not healthy, but it's also imprisoning. See, seeking peace is freeing. It shouldn't feel like you're stuck or being a prisoner. Seeking punishment and retribution, are imprisoning. So make sure you're done with that.
Relationships: Ouff, I feel nervous talking about this. Relationships are the most complicated thing on earth. It's more complicated than Engineering, math, physics, science, Medicine, and even Maadi streets on the GPS. But you came for content, and you shall be served. To be honest, anyone who tells me they know a big deal about relationships makes me cringe. All we have is our experience of it. We are not entitled to tell people what to do and what not when it comes to relationships. But what we can do instead is to share our experiences so we can learn, hopefully, the easy way. I will try to sum up my experience in some pullet points. So it could be easy to digest. Here we go:
Core values and Maturity: Core values and maturity are two different things, yet both are correlated together. Your core values are the most essential part of your personality. They determine how you act and your priorities in general. You can basically say it's the right-wrong meter of the person. It makes you just you, and it exhibits your behavior. So if you know someone's core value, you truly know that person. But here's the thing, these core values should be cherished by their owner. And it does not happen unless you are mature enough. See, mature people have more self-awareness, they know who they are exactly. On the other side of the coin, immature people are insecure about themselves and insecure about other's core values. That's why they will try to diminish your core values. Especially, if they lack it, they get envious and jealous of it. That's why you should surround yourself with more mature people who celebrate your core values, respect them, and are supportive of them.
Reliability: Be responsible, be reliable. In relationships, the most valued thing you can do is being reliable. Being unreliable and irresponsible though will eventually destroy your relationships. Reliability synonyms are being careful, supportive, thoughtful, and eager to help. It means you offer someone a safe place to go to and habitat. See, relationships are investments, and the most devastating thing is to see your investment thrown away. You should not be in a relationship where it's indifferent if you are there or not. And don't take things for granted. I lost people due to being irresponsible and indifferent to their existence. I regret that now because they were the most valuable people in my life. Yeah sure, feeling regret shows I'm taking responsibility for my mistakes, and you should expect some room for regret in your life. But it's a HUGE price to pay, and I wished I could've learned that earlier so I could have saved it. Eventually, people are valuable. Once you find few good people around
you, they become irreplaceable. So why do something you would regret for the rest of your life?
Fear: Fear is a primitive emotion that alerts us to the presence of a threat or danger. It's necessary to feel fear and experience it so you can avoid dangerous events in your life. But fear is not to be listened to all the time. Fear can't be your primary drive, especially when it's unreasonable to feel so. Fear is an emotion that you should overcome rather than listen to. Fear pushes you to expect the worst, and that can't be a way of living your life. But it's understandable to feel fear, especially if it's posttrauma. Acting on fear though will eventually make what you fear of comes true. Say you fear losing people around you. So every time you spend time with them you feel like you will lose them. So you start to act on that fear and become indifferent to their existence so you can avoid the expected heartbreak from losing them. Or you just hide from them and stay away. In both cases, the ultimate ending is you losing them. For a long time, I used to act on fear as a defense mechanism. And that made me alone most of the time. I didn't try to make any new friends or take any steps towards people in general. I eventually lost what I got already. Because my mind is focused on the aftermath of losing these people. And whether I'm ready to suffer emotionally after that or not. So I build this wall to protect myself. It's okay to fear. And no one is ready for heartbreaks, but that will not stop them from happening. Bad things will happen, so if we act on fear of it we will be its prisoners forever.
Phew, we reached the end of it. I can't believe you still here. Thank you for your spirit and your effort to reach the end of this article. Hope you had fun reading it as I had writing it. I'm looking forward to reading your comments. And again, if you liked this article, why not share it? Don't be
selfish. If you didn't check my last article, umm ... why? Go check it. Goodbye, and see you next week on No-one'space!
