Drinking Etiquette

Ah, yes, nothing beats it, a morning at a festival. All that bleak, hungover hilarity can make one thirsty. What is one to do when one becomes thirsty? One would have one beer from one of Splendours many one-derful beer and alcohol purveyors. But when one has one too many (which one does a bit often, and then one tends to think back at the one that got away, and one usually texts that one at one in the morning, and one is embarrassed because the one is not responding to one’s texts because the one has moved on so one, who has already had one too many, has one more), one must remember this list of do’s and don’t’s; this handy dandy guide to not being a total fuck up and ruining the fun for everyone else when one shouldn’t have had one to begin with.

Pace Yourself

At every festival I’ve been to, there’s always a group of lads with their shirts off despite the rain and wind, ten in the morning, double fisting, and they’re passed out on the ground before lunch. You could have stayed home to do that. I’m all for a morning bev, but I’m also all for an afternoon bev, an evening bev, a night bev, and a bedtime bev, and those bevs won’t be able to be had if you are knocked face down behind the comedy tent before most of camp has even woken up. It’s a bad look, it’s dangerous, and it spoils the fun. Science says a beer an hour, but we know you probably won’t follow that advice, so make sure to have a couple of hearty servings of chips throughout.

SITG is not BYOB

You aren’t allowed to bring in your own alcoholic beverages. Definitely don’t try. You’ll get discovered and they’ll put your face up on the jumbotron and announce to everyone that you are the stupid idiot who thought it was worthwhile to sneak rum in a hydroflask as though you were the first person ever to think of sneaking something in a hydroflask, and everyone will laugh at you and remember your face and point at you on the street, and every Hinge match from here on out will message you,’you’re that fuckin idiot, aren’t you? Who brings rum to a festival anyway? Were you going to make a pina colada in the pit? You’re pathetically unattractive.’ or at the very least, they’ll confiscate it at the gate.

Don’t Throw Your Can/Beverage (unless it’s in a bin): Throwing cans, or anything, really, at another festival goer, artist, staff, animal, ghost, or whatever other matter of being, is a kickout-able offense, unless it is really, really funny. Like, devastatingly perfect. It has to be too good to pass up. For example, let’s say there’s a really tall statue of a cartoon character there and they have their arm out like an open fist, and there’s a perfect opportunity to get a beer in their hand therefore implying that this cartoon mascot enjoys alcohol which is in hilarious contrast to the idea of them being an innocent cartoon, then yeah, get a can up there bottle flip challenge style. That’s really more of a toss, though. A finesse, really. Alright, change of rules: no throwing cans, but finessing is ok.

A Glass Of Water For Every Glass Of Not-Water

Well not actual glass because glass isn’t allowed on the festival grounds, so lets say, a translucent plastic cup of water for every translucent cup of alcohol. This is to keep you hydrated and make sure that you don’t suffer alcohol poisoning, but also to prevent us from suffering an overly-intoxicated you. You are the worst when you get too drunk. You become loud, sweaty despite it being frigid out, handsy, and if I have to see one more white woman vomit into her dreadlocks before jumping back to spin around in the pit, I am going to lose my fucking mind.

Don’t Touch Anybody

I’m not sure this needs to be said, but I’m saying it. Actually, let me rephrase, it 100% needs to be said, but it shouldn’t need to be. If you don’t know someone, don’t touch them. If you touch someone and they recoil, apologize, don’t touch them again, put down your lager, go for a walk over to the bathroom and stare at yourself in the mirror for a while. Reflect on who you have become, and why, and you’re alright with that hard reality. Ask yourself: do I want to be the coolest, funnest person at this music festival, or do I want to be the sort of pathetic, creepy, Love Island-style dickhead that repulses people so dramatically that they suspect you carry roofies around, ‘just in case’. I get drunk and I hug my friends, I get that, but there’s a line. Don’t cross it.

Sandbaggers Are Losers

Is ‘sandbagging/sandbaggers’ a thing in Australia? I don’t know. Here, it is a phrase that describes someone who drinks half or less than half of their beverage before abandoning it, wasting a quality beverage, wasting the cup it was served in, and wasting the money that was spent on it. Unless you’re being appropriately aware of yourself and choosing not to finish your drink because it’ll put you over, finish your drink or don’t crack it in the first place. Bad look, mad wasteful, and a bit sad.

Go To The Toliet Before A Set

I once saw a girl crouch and pee into a zip lock bag at a festival because she was at the front waiting for the headliner and didn’t want to leave her spot. This was an absolutely fucked experience for me and everyone around her. No one wanted to push too hard or dance too happily because we didn’t want to pop the piss grenade that we knew she was carrying around. At that same festival, a man who was too drunk decided it best to vomit into his backpack. In order to not be the person everyone hates, if you want to be at the front and hold your place, maybe use the amenities before pushing in to the front. Another strategy: pause drinking until you have found your place at the front and the band comes on stage. That way, you’ll have a bev for the whole set and your disgusting bodily fluids can be properly ejected afterwards.

Eat Food

This is also to prevent you from getting too drunk too quick and passing out in an inconvenient place early on in the day, and by ‘inconvenient’, I mean inconvenient for those around you. Nothing worse than a long line for the bathroom because some pissed idiot passed out on the toilet. Additionally, no one wants their innocent child to have to step over your inflamed red carcass on their way to the playground. Get a buzz, eat a meal. Maintenance. You’re welcome.

Pushing Into The Front Of Show = Good, Pushing Into Front Of Line = Bad

The nature of a crowd allows for pushing in. Fair game. If you push into the front of the line at the beer tent, you will get punched in the face, and everyone will cheer, and you will deserve it.