THE MONSTER CHILDREN GUIDE TO SETTING UP YOUR

Words by James Royce

There are a lot of great things to love about music festivals. But there are also a lot of bad things. Let’s run through the shortlist: bad sets, falling in such a way that you’re featured on the news, and the health repercussions caused by eating nothing but crisps for four straight days. The worst part of a festival isn’t the rapidly dying phone batteries, the wearing the same T-shirt for three days aesthetic because it’s what you were wearing already, and you’re just getting wrecked in it anyway, so why not, and the general feeling of greasy uncomfortable, uncleanness that comes with that sort of thinking, or anything like that. No, the worst thing about music festivals is setting up your tent. No one likes to have their Bacchanalian descent interrupted by some chore. It happens, though, and it’s going to happen to you. We want you to turn that pile of canvas, adjustable poles, and hook stakes into a nice place to rest your legs after walking back and forth to the Ampitheatre seventeen hundred times. So we put together a short list all about how to set things up properly.

01. Realise that this is not Vegas and that George Clooney isn’t just next door and you are not Brad Pitt about to rob the Bellagio, the Mirage, and the MGM Grand on fight night because this is not Ocean’s 11 and you do not have a team with you here. You are on your own. You have to figure this out on your own and make peace with that acceptance first.

02. Look for the directions (Was that my job to pack them?) and hope the one English side didn’t get too dirtied (La Tente? What the hell is that?) in transport.

03. Discover there are no directions.

04. Make acceptance with another hard truth in just two minutes.

05. Take a few breaths, and tell yourself it can’t be that hard, it’s a tent and Boy Scouts can do this, and those are actual children. Everyone knows what a tent is, so how hard can it be?

06. You put the poles that look like they fit into one another, put those in the flaps that are numbered to match the specific poles that go through them, and stick the pointy ends into the ground. You can use your phone light if it’s too hard to see things, and that’s it. That’s literally all you need to do.

07. Not do any of that and just manage to unsuccessfully juggle a pile of aluminium poles while doing that panicky, short breath you only hear people make when they’re about to get in a car crash.

08. Stare forward. Stare down. Stare at the deconstructed tent. Let out a three-second sigh, and get to it.

09. Figure it out one way or another, and give yourself a pat on the back for sorting out a place to rest your head.

10. Sleep anywhere but your tent. Probably on top is best, everyone seems to love that.

The Only Guide You Need By Will Rickwood

Our office intern Will is brimming with the kind of zest for life that only the youth possess. You know the kind that thinks a hangover is the equivalent of being a little thirstier than usual in the morning and is willing to do work experience for us when we still have no idea what we’re doing. I really like Will, because unlike our other intern who forgot my coffee order (I’m just kidding he forgot the whole office’s lunch orders too) Will is the kind of kid that comes in and says hello and goodbye to every single person in the office and doesn’t look like he’s going to faint. We figured he might be able to party so we asked him what he will be getting up to Splendour if he could go and if he did it well enough we’d buy him a ticket. We hope you have fun at Splendour Will.

Day One

Splendour, mad. Planning to take the first day pretty easy, we’ve got three days after all. Probably gonna grab some food from one of the many food trucks then head over to the Byron Brewery Bar and give whatever they’ve got on tap a go, no doubt I’ll be there for a while. Don’t really have a plan for much after that, might head over to the hill and watch the sun go down, or check out the Science Tent or maybe even the Comedy Club before going to check out some of the acts. Hooligan Hefs, Loyle Carner, and Lizzo all on the first day, mental.

Day Two

Second day is here. Probably gonna have a similar start to the first, wake up, food, drink, you know the drill. Smirnoff Seltzer Springs and Casamigos Tequila Oasis sound cool - give them a go. If there’s any time to kill before the performances I might go cause some mischief in the Karaoke Bar, you know how we rock, or maybe just relax and get a massage. Nah, I’ll leave that for later, don’t wanna miss Flumes tenth year set.

Day Three

Definitely going to start day three with that massage from the Healing Tent , no better way to start the morning. I’ll check out the rest of the bars today as well, Champagne, Stone and Wood Craft Bar, The Winery the list goes on. And for the final day of the festival, are you kidding, I’m well keen for 100 Gecs , obviously, I know that’s going to be bonkers.

This interview was conducted on a Friday night, Del Water Gap’s time, and a Saturday morning my time. That’s a shitty time for everyone involved so I figured it could be a useful time to do a bit of introspection and run one of our longstanding series, Love & Hate. It’s as simple as it sounds, ten things you love and ten things you hate. It’s cool because if you’re pissed off, you’ve been given time to vent, but then you can round it out with some gratitude in the love section. Del Water Gap launched straight into the Love part, and when I asked him about the ten things he hates he just replied ‘I don’t want to diss anything. I can try though.’ What a sweetheart. What a guy. And what a nice way to spend a Saturday morning in the end.