Takeaways from Our First Year in Public School

WRITTEN BY JESSICA CARTWRIGHT

School’s almost here and you might be wondering if homeschool, unschool, public school or alternative school may be the right fit for you and your family.

But, first, let me acknowledge what an amazing community we have, that provides us with so many choices! There are great public schools, fabulous outdoor schools, great homeschooling communities and so many more options to explore. Whatever you choose, trust you’re making the right decision and you can always reevaluate.

I am a bit of an anomaly among my friends in sending my daughter to public school this past year instead of homeschooling or enrolling her in something more intimate. So, I wanted to share some of my biggest takeaways, because our experience going from a Montessori kindergarten of eight kids to first grade at a public school of 500 kids was a powerful and positive one.

• A little adversity can be good for kids. One of my favorite parenting mentors, Wendy Mogul, talks about kids truly needing some of the more mundane experiences of life. It’s OK to have a boring fourth grade teacher, because one day they will probably have a really drab boss, and part of life is learning to be OK with that and not letting it rob you of your joy. And I agree! I think it’s a valuable life lesson, to not always have to be doing something mind-blowingly awesome, and still feel contentment with your day to day.

• Wendy also talks about how kids not having exposure to healthy risk is one of the most damaging things happening to our youth’s confidence and mental and emotional well-being. In fact, I’ve even read that a lot of teen mental health issues stem more from lack of healthy independence than social media. To me, allowing my child to have experiences outside of our immediate bubble is huge. She’s learning how to figure things out on her own. She’s creating her own world, learning from her own mistakes, building her own friendships and becoming the true leader of her life. Those things provide the type of confidence we all want our children to have.

As my friend Sarah says, our kids are always on the “path to independence.” Or as I less eloquently put it, we’re teaching our kids to leave us, and to thrive when they do. To me, that meant keeping my daughter really close and providing a healthy attachment during the first five years of her life, but letting her have some of her own experiences now that she’s a bit older. Kids need to try things out for themselves so they can learn. They need positive mentors other than their parents. And they need to be able to learn to trust their own decisions.

• Dr. Mogul also did a massive study on children of varying ages, and the number one thing the kids wanted their parents to know: “Chillax!” As parents nowadays, we expect to be our kids’ best friend and their parent. We’re incredibly involved in their lives. It’s beautiful, however this also puts an inordinate amount of pressure on them. Kids are starting to feel like our happiness is dependent on their performance. That sort of blew my mind! Our kids have so much pressure on them. To do all the things. To be extraordinary. Sometimes they need to know we have a life and relationships of our own and that our whole world isn’t focused on how well they’re doing. I feel more relaxed just writing that – imagine how they feel!

• People pleasing is real, but you can help your child navigate it. We had to work a lot around my daughter knowing she is loved and worthy, even when she doesn’t get the homework right all the time or if someone doesn’t like her on the playground that day. One day I flat out told her we could throw the homework out the window and never do it again, just to invite in some play and not be so serious all the time. We all need that reminder. We also talk a lot about Brene Brown’s brilliant metaphor for our inner candle. We let our daughter know she has an inner candle or flame, and to really notice who makes that candle shine brighter, and who brings it down. Then we practice giving more of our energy to the people who make it shine brighter. In my opinion, most of us adults need help with that too, and I find school to be a really healthy arena for feeding into that.

• At the end of a day, kids need a safe space to come home to. After all the growing, the adversity, the figuring out their own world, the greatest gift we can give our children is a space to simply be. A safe space to get their emotions out (which yes, sometimes involves outbursts that we have to try to not take personally). I try to create space for our daughter to decompress with me, by watching a show together, going for a walk, having dinner together or even doing her homework together. If I ask about her day, it tends to be crickets, but if I just sit with her, she usually opens up so beautifully. As our kids get older, we really do become the wide space holders for them, as we help them navigate being the leaders of their own lives.

No matter how you decide to raise and school your children, to me it’s about finding that sweet spot between the right amount of healthy autonomy and independence, mixed with the knowing that they have a safe place to always come home to and parents who love them unconditionally.

So whatever choice you make for your family, hopefully you can incorporate some of these takeaways. I also hope we can really lean into trusting our gut instincts and our decisions, and then just relax a bit. Our kids are doing just fine. And, ironically, it turns out the less we stress about it, the better off they happen to be.

Jess Cartwright helps women going through big life transitionswhether it’s a new baby or wanting to show up differently in our lives. She does this through one-on-one yoga, meditation, energy healing, connection and guided international retreats. Find her at www.jessicaenergy.com or on Instagram @jessica.energy.