Ask Flora

WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK

Q: “How do you get your partner more onboard with your parenting style?! I’m tired of disagreeing, but nothing I say seems to convince him to do it more my way.”

A:This is a great situation for us to address during the month of love because many marriages do get torn down by this very issue.

Danny Guspie, founder of Fathers’ Resources International, says that parenting disputes play a major role in about 20% of divorces among the dads who meet at his support groups. He says, “Guys get the feeling that their style of parenting isn’t really valued. For men who have been highly involved in their kids’ lives, that’s a huge challenge.”

So, how can you avoid this pitfall?

1. Be Supportive “On Stage” and Solve It “Back Stage”

If you see your partner handling something in a way you don’t like, do NOT correct them in front of the kids. (Unless the child is being harmed physically. Then, of course, take any step you can to move yourself and the child into a safe space, disengaged with your partner).

Respect is a key component in relationships and one that I find is exceptionally important to many men. That’s why it’s best to not correct your partner in front of your kids (“On Stage”), and instead be a silent observer or walk away in moments when you disagree. This helps ensure that your partner feels respected in their own relationship with the child, respected by you and not undermined. Plus, when kids see that you are disagreeing, it draws attention away from the behavior being corrected, and they may be tempted to cause more of that divide between you and your partner. You may even notice them coming to you to “tattle” on what the other parent said or did.

Instead, walk away, take a deep breath, let the moment play out and problemsolve with your partner behind closed doors. I find the best recipe for sharing your thoughts is: “I feel (feeling word), when (situation), and I’d like or rather (new thing you would like).” OR “I would like us to be more on the same page with how we respond when (describe the behavior the child did). What can we agree on that would be more kind and firm at the same time?

2. Realize No One is Right

If you are frustrated with your partner’s parenting style, it’s easy to just point the finger that THEY need to change. However, in my experience, I have found that most partners lean heavily in one direction (i.e. being strict/stern) when they feel the other person is being too soft. There is a natural equilibrium that our relationships are fighting for. So, the more you lean one way, the more likely it is contributing to your partner continuing to lean the opposite way.

Take a step back and take a full look at whether you may need to come more to the center of kindness and firmness at the SAME time. Time and again I see that when one partner moves to center, it naturally brings the other partner more to center as well. If you aren’t sure what that really looks like – to be kind and firm at the SAME time – let’s talk!

3. Know That Kids Can Adapt to Differences

The main goal of commonality is to be in agreement about your family rules and expectations. Outside of that, kids can adjust to different styles of communication and different forms of correction within different relationships. You have probably already seen that to be the case at school. Different teachers have different ways of motivating students and redirecting behavior, and most children adjust to that.

So, if your partner wants to sing five songs for bedtime and you just want to tell them a story – the kids can adjust to that difference. Or if you want your child to take space to calm down when they are upset and your partner wants to try a 30 second silent hug instead, the kids can adjust to that difference.

Again, if your family needs help establishing a fuller toolbelt for kind and firm parenting, reach out to one of the many experts in our community who offer classes, coaching or family counseling.

To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.

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