5 minute read
Ask Flora
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
Q: Help! I want to be a gentle parent, but my son does NOT listen to anyone. I find myself getting angry or very frustrated with him sometimes and I become an angry mom, which I think hurts in the long run.
A: Thank you so much for your openness and honesty. First off, what is gentle parenting? The Cleveland Clinic explains it by saying, “The goal of gentle parenting is to raise confident, independent and happy children through empathy, respect and understanding, and setting healthy boundaries.”
I find many parents end up becoming the “angry mom” when they are leaning more into the empathy side (affirming feelings with understanding), but don’t have effective strategies to enforce boundaries. Here are the key components:
1. Use “I love you AND…(boundary)” as a clear way to keep a respectful/understanding relationship, while still holding your boundary.
» “I love you AND we are turning off the iPad.” Or “I love you AND when you throw a toy, it will take a break above the fridge until tomorrow.”
» “I love you AND I notice your bike is still not put away.”
» “I love you AND when your backpack is hung up, you can go play.”
2. Be clear with your child that “ALL feelings are accepted, yet certain actions must be limited.” (How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk)
» “I hear that you are angry. When you are done screaming, I’m happy to talk to you about it.”
» “You seem disappointed with what I made for dinner. Whining about it is not going to change what’s for dinner.”
» “You’re sad to leave your friend, but it’s time to get in the car for soccer.”
3. Follow through on the boundary you set. Instead of repeating yourself 100 times and getting to the end of your rope, have a clear plan and follow through after only one or two prompts:
» “I was clear that if you hit, you sit.” Then take them by the hand to take a break somewhere to calm down.
» “I see that you chose to throw that. Now the toy is taking a break on top of the fridge.”
» “I see that you are not walking to the car, so I’ll take your hand and help you walk there.”
I imagine what you want MOST in your gentle parenting is to have a healthy, happy relationship with your child. I encourage you to lean into the side of gentle parenting that includes enforcing boundaries in order to have a more balanced approach of both kindness and firmness at the same time.
Q: Can you help me better understand the concept of a “natural consequence?”
» What is the natural consequence of hitting your sister?
» Throwing food at mealtime?
» Screaming when not getting your way?
A: Great question! One of the biggest issues parents bring to me in parent coaching is that they struggle to find consequences that make sense and effectively motivate the child to take responsibility and behave differently in the future.
What you first need to know is that natural consequences aren’t always possible. For instance, you are not going to let your child run into the street to experience getting hit by a car to learn that isn’t a good choice. In that case, logical consequences may be a more effective focus.
1. Natural Consequences: Allowing natural outcomes to show the child that his/her choices aren’t very effective. A cold day without a coat teaches the child what happens if you don’t wear a coat.
2. Logical Consequences: Something enforced by an adult, intended to create a helpful learning experience that encourages responsible cooperation.
Here are my four R’s to Logical Consequences:
Reasonable – The intensity or duration matches the behavior. Instead of canceling a birthday party for not listening at bedtime, a logical consequence is the child losing one bedtime book or instead of them getting to choose the bedtime book, you choose it.
Related – Connect the outcome to the behavior as closely as possible. Instead of canceling a play date for tomorrow when the child doesn’t put their bike away in the garage, remove the privilege of bike riding the next day. A related consequence for hitting could be taking space to reset and focusing on how to be a good boss of your body, or not having access to an iPad because your hands have not been showing they can be safe.
Relayed in advance – This one is key to me. Instead of saying “Don’t yell at me,” five times, tell them in advance, “When you shout, I’m out,” (meaning you will walk away until they are done shouting). Then your follow-through will likely have more impact, as they clearly knew what would happen if they continued that behavior.
Relationship-based – The goal is to maintain the idea that you always LOVE the child, and they are always a GOOD child. The correction and consequences are never about saying, “Because you were bad, you lost this.” Instead, focus on the behavior. A great way to keep this focus is to use the word CHOSE. “I’m sorry you chose that” or “That was a sad choice because now you don’t have….” Or “When you chose to run away, you chose to have me hold your hand.”
To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail. com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.
