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Ask Flora
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.
Q: What to Do When Your Child is Rude: A Positive Approach
A: As a licensed counselor and parenting coach, I’ve had many parents ask me what to do when their child is rude. It’s a question that comes up for kids ages 2 to 18, especially in those moments when our kids say or do something that makes us want to blurt out, "That’s rude!"
But here’s the thing—labeling behavior as "rude" might actually lead to more of that behavior. Let me explain why, and more importantly, what we can do instead to encourage our kids to express themselves in a kinder, more respectful way.
Why Calling Out Rudeness Doesn’t Help
When we call out rudeness by saying something like, "Don’t be so rude!" we’re doing it with the best of intentions. We’re trying to correct the behavior and teach our kids what’s right. However, research shows that labeling a child’s behavior in this way can backfire.
When we use words like "rude," children can start to believe that this is just part of who they are. Subconsciously, they might think, "Well, if I’m rude, then I guess that’s just how I am." And the behavior continues, or even worsens.
So, what should we do instead?
Focus on What You Want to See
The first step is to shift our focus from what we don’t want (rudeness) to what we do want (kindness, respect, etc.). For example, if your child grabs a toy from their sibling, instead of saying, "That’s rude," you could say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is a gentler way you could ask for that from your brother?" or "How could you respectfully ask for a turn with that toy?"
Or if your child says, "That’s dumb, mom," you can focus on kindness by saying, "Hold on. What is a more kind way you could say that?"
By focusing on the positive behavior you want to see, you’re not only correcting the behavior but also teaching your child the right way to express themselves, and emphasizing words that create a positive self-concept. For example, "I am kind, gentle, respectful."
Re-scripting their words to "Bugs and Wishes"
It’s important to remember that kids don’t always know how to express their feelings in a mature way. That’s where re-scripting comes in. When your child says something rude, take a moment to help them practice saying it in a better way, like using, "Bugs and Wishes." This is a simple phrase from Positive Discipline that helps kids express their frustrations in a way that’s respectful and constructive.
For example: They say: "I don’t want to go to that park, it’s dumb."
You RE-SCRIPT by saying: "Let’s try that again. It sounds like it bugs you that we’re going to this park, and you wish we were going somewhere else. Is that right? Let’s say it that way instead."
By re-scripting their words, you’re giving them the tools they need to express themselves appropriately. Over time, this practice will help them learn how to communicate their feelings without resorting to rudeness.
Teach the phrase: "That’s Not My Favorite" Another phrase that can help reframe rudeness is, "That’s not my favorite." This gives your child a way to voice their opinion without being disrespectful. So, when your child says, "Ew, gross," about dinner, you can say, "I think what you meant to say is, 'That’s not my favorite.'" And then you can add, "I hear it’s not your favorite today, AND I know your taste buds are always learning to like new things. So, let’s see how it goes today. This IS what we are having for dinner."
The key is teaching your child how to express a perfectly valid feeling, but in a way that’s kinder and more respectful.
Final Thoughts
As parents, it’s natural to want to correct our children when they’re rude. But instead of focusing on the negative, try these simple shifts that focus on teaching a replacement behavior. By encouraging your child to express themselves in a kinder, more respectful way, you’re not just stopping rude behavior—you’re teaching valuable life skills that will serve them well as they grow.
So next time your child says something that makes you want to shout, "That’s rude!" take a deep breath and try one of these strategies instead. You might be surprised at how quickly they start to change their tone, and how much more peaceful your home can become.
To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.
