Montana Woman Magazine, Issue 16, January/February 2022 by Montana Woman Magazine

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montana woman magazine

I S S U E N O 1 6 , J A N U A R Y/ F E B R U A R Y 2 0 2 2 : S AVA N A H M C C A R T Y / AWA I T

Savanah mcCarty S+S STABLES

FOOD & SPIRITS

FEATURE

AMONG THESE PAGES

10 PUMPERNICKEL BREAD

A family recipe

AUTUMN'S PROVISIONAL TOMATO MAC SOUP

Finding the comforts of home

SEA SALT BROWN BUTTER RICE CRISPY TREATS

A new take on an old favorite

THE STINGER

CREATE

Local winter spirits

27 WATERCOLOR 101

An intro to watercolor

MIDWINTER DUSK

Step-by-step embroidery

7 LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

LIFE

SPILL

62 UNEXPECTED TURBULENCE

Letters to my child

AWAIT

Seeking happiness

UNTOLD

DISCOVERING MY OWN INTEGRITY

Embracing your true self

IN MINDFUL MOTION

Carpe diem

LEVITATION NATION

Goal setting

VIGNETTES

NOTEBOOK

GREAT RIVER

FINDING

Morgan Marks

Hannah Crouse

NONLINEAR

FEARED DROWNED

Sydney Munteanu

Sarah Harding

BY THE WINDOW

EXCESS

Emily Adamiak

Yetta Stein

68 74

MONTANA HEAT

Shelbi Fitzpatrick

montana woman

OWNER & EDITOR megan crawford

Montana Woman is a platform. It’s a place to celebrate our achievements, a place to support each other, a place to acknowledge the resilience of the women of this state. It doesn’t necessarily matter where you’re from, you’re here now. In all of your loudness, your boldness, your fearlessness— you are here. We’re here, together. We publish a statewide magazine every other month that features women across Montana— the movers and shakers, the go-getters, the rule-breakers, the risk-takers. We all have a story to tell.

CREATIVE DIRECTOR megan crawford BUSINESS MANAGER carrie crawford

Montana Woman Magazine as you know it began in October 2019. Right out of the gate with photographer Alexis Pike as the first cover feature— clad in fringe pants and a motorcycle helmet in a Bozeman alleyway— we’ve always been authentically ourselves. We believe in showing up as you are. You don’t need to change who you are to have a seat at the table. No matter your age, your identity, your hometown, you are welcome here. We believe in creating a publication that’s worth reading because we have stories worth telling.

ADVERTISING carrie crawford kelsey merritt megan crawford PHOTOGRAPHERS megan crawford jesslyn marie chloe nostrant kelsey merritt

BACK COVER

megan crawford UNTOLD

PUEBLOS, NÚU-AGHA-TUVU-PU, & DINÉ BIKÉYAH L ANDS back cover prints are avail able at

EDITING DEPARTMENT megan crawford kelsey merritt emily adamiak

montanawoman . com / shop

PUBLIC RELATIONS carrie crawford kelsey merritt

ADVERTISING, DISTRIBUTION, & SUBMISSIONS

Contact the editor at info@montanawoman.com or (406)260-1299. Submissions are not accepted through the phone, postal service, or social media.

Montana Woman is a registered trademark and may not be used without permission. The information contained in this magazine is provided as is. Neither Montana Woman or the publisher make any representation or warranty with respect to this magazine or the contents thereof and do hereby disclaim all express and implied warranties to the fullest extent permitted by law. Montana Woman and the publisher do not endorse any

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individuals, companies, products, services, or views featured or advertised in this magazine. ©2022 Montana Woman. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be produced without written permission from the editor. printed by forum communications in fargo, north dakota

LETTER from the

EDITOR The Waiting. Those moments of nothing’s happening, what the hell am I doing, when will this pass? You never truly realize it until you’re no longer in The Waiting, but those moments are filled with unseen work. When you feel like nothing’s happening, roots are growing.

This time last year, I wrote about where I would be now:

at once, or maybe you slowly see the work coming together. Maybe it’s both.

“Hopefully, a year from now, at almost 27 and working on a 16th issue, I can look back on this stretch of the trail with that same lump-in-yourthroat feeling that I have now. I can take the time I need to see how far I’ve gone but feel all the more ready for what’s to come.”

If you hike like I do, most of your view is your feet. Otherwise you’d catch a root, slip on a rock, miss a divot. You see things every now and then, but it’s not really until the end that you stop and take everything in, consider how far you’ve gone, spend time not looking at your feet. The fact that you looked at your feet on the way up doesn’t negate the journey. Taking breaks doesn’t negate the journey. Every step on the trail, every breath of the arrow being pulled back— these moments are how you get to the overlook.

In this last year, I have cracked and split and tumbled out of the murk of the year before. And now, I see that The Waitings were passages of time that created space for inner work, for rest, for planning. You don’t place a bow on an arrow and expect it to launch— you have to pull it back. That liminal space of back but not yet forward is The Waiting. Impatient, uncomfortable, anxious, unknown— imbued with magic. Spontaneous. When the arrow launches and where it lands can come as a surprise. Maybe it feels like somewhere you were always meant to be (but that wouldn’t happen without The Waiting). And, often, you don’t even realize that you’ve already been sent flying. Maybe it hits you all

Without them, there would be no vista. We wouldn’t learn along the way— both about ourselves and the trail. Revel in these moments— the in-betweens, the greys, the sliver of blue hour after sunset but before twilight, quiet mornings before dawn spills over and scatters the fog. The moment, a blink, before you release the arrow.

C ON TRI B UTO R S

sydney munteanu

chloe nostrant

stephanie mosbrucker

kelsey merritt

lauren wilcox

sarah harding

mindy cochran

morgan marks

nicole dunn

meagan schmoll

autumn toennis

hannah crouse

barbara fraser

emily adamiak

gabrielle pelchen

shelbi fitzpatrick

caitlin mallery

genevieve dahl 8

yetta stein

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Body Treatments mud or hydrating wrap body scrubs

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Behind the cover

COVER MUSE

savanah mccarty PHOTOGRAPHER

chloe nostrant LOCATION

gallatin gateway

read about savannah mccarty on page 46 9

| FOOD & SPIRITS

dad’s pumpernickel bread by Caitlin Mallery

TEMP: 350ºF

TIME: 30 MINUTES

ingredients 1 ⅛ cup warm water 2 Tablespoons canola oil 2-3 Tablespoons honey or molasses (depending on how dark you want the bread, and how sweet) 1 Tablespoon vanilla extract 1 packet (2 ¼ teaspoons) yeast

2 cups bread flour 1 cup rye flour ½ cup whole wheat flour 1 Tablespoon cocoa powder 2 Tablespoon finely ground coffee 1 teaspoon salt

method Mix together water, oil, honey or molasses, and vanilla in mixer bowl. Pour yeast packet over the top and let rest for 5 minutes. The yeast should become foamy. In a separate bowl, mix the flours, cocoa powder, coffee, and salt. Add to the mixer and using dough hook mix on low speed until the dough forms a soft ball. Continue to knead in mixer for two minutes. Oil a large bowl and set the oven to the lowest temperature for 5 minutes, then turn off. Knead the ball of dough by hand 10 times. Place in the oiled bowl, cover with towel, and let rise in the warm oven for one hour. When dough has doubled in size, pour onto a floured counter to knead and shape. Oil a bread pan. Shape the dough by folding into thirds and place the seam side down in the bread pan. Cover with a towel and let rise on top of the oven for 45 minutes. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Bake loaf for 30 minutes. Because of how dark this bread is, you might think it looks burnt, but that is simply the color of the bread. Let the bread cool for at least 30 minutes before slicing. Enjoy slathered with butter or some plum-blackberry jam. A delicious accompaniment to potato soup.

Autumn’s Provisional Tomato Mac Soup by Autumn Toennis images by Megan Crawford

I would be willing to bet that just about every small town in the country has that one diner, that one café that everyone frequents. You know what I mean— the kind with the brown ceramic coffee mugs whose reliable menu hasn’t changed in fifty years. In Miles City, that place is the 600 Café. (Which is also the Hole in the Wall, but if you’re not from Miles City, you don’t really need to worry about this detail.) They make the best tomato mac soup that I’ve ever had. A bowl of that with a plain salad in ranch is my go-to meal whenever I stop in. The problem with having a favorite meal at a restaurant is that when you move away, you can’t take it with you. So a few years ago, I spent the better part of a winter trial-and-erroring my own version. I still don’t think it’s as good as the original, but it always tides me over until I visit home again. Bonus: This is the easiest soup to make ever.

| FOOD & SPIRITS

autumn’s provisional tomato mac soup

by Autumn Toennis

INSPIRED BY THE 600 CAFÉ IN MILES CITY, MT

ingredients 3 cans of Progresso brand Tomato Basil Soup (I have tried Campbells, I have tried making my own tomato soup, but for this recipe, that can with the blue label works the best) 1/2 pound of ground beef A little over a 1/2 pound of macaroni noodles 1/3 cup brown sugar Heavy whipping cream

method 1. In one pot, set the water for your macaroni to boil— once you’ve boiled the noodles, drain them and set them aside. 2. On medium in a large soup pot with a wooden spoon, chop and brown your beef until it’s cooked through. Drain the excess fat. 3. Turn heat down and pour in all three cans of tomato basil. Once it has heated, add in your brown sugar and stir in quickly (I like to taste this out— some people like it a bit sweeter, some like it a bit less sweet, and I usually adjust depending on who I make it for.) 4. If your noodles are done, in they go. 5. The heavy whipping cream has no measurement, because I drizzle-stirdrizzle-stir until I like the color. I invite you to decide which color you like best, and to taste as you go. (Always stir quickly to prevent curdling.) 6. Enjoy! Pairs great with iceberg salad and ranch, but just remember the ranch at home is never as good as the ranch at the restaurant, and prepare yourself for that disappointment.

SINCE

OCTOBER

2019,

MONTANA

WOMAN

HAS

BEEN,

AND ALWAYS WILL BE, AN OPEN PLATFORM. THIS IS A PUBLICATION FOR THE REAL, COME-AS-YOU-ARE MONTANA. THE UNDERCURRENTS, THE CHANGE-MAKERS, THE RISKTAKERS, THE MOVERS & SHAKERS.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHANGE WHO YOU ARE TO HAVE A SEAT AT THE TABLE. NO MATTER YOUR AGE, YOUR RACE, YOUR HOMETOWN, YOUR IDENTITY— YOU ARE WELCOME HERE.

MONTANA IS FOR ALL OF US, FOR EVERYONE. WHETHER YOU WERE BORN & RAISED HERE, YOU MOVED HERE, YOU VISITED, OR YOU DREAM OF VISITING.

CREATE

PUBLICATION

THAT’S

WORTH

READING

BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE STORIES WORTH TELLING.

WELCOME TO THE TABLE.

| FOOD & SPIRITS

by Lauren Wilcox

b c

& t l a s e r t a t u e b s n y treats w p o s i r r c e

FOOD & SPIRITS |

sea salt & brown butter rice crispy treats

by Lauren Wilcox

PREP TIME: 10 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME: 40 MINUTES

ingredients 5 cups crispy rice cereal 5 cups mini marshmallows (reserve 1 cup for mixing in at the end) ½ cup brown butter 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 teaspoon flakey sea salt (I recommend the brand Maldon)

method STEPS FOR BROWN BUTTER: On a medium-low heat, place butter in a saucepan. I used an enamel Dutch oven with a white bottom which makes it much easier to determine when the butter is ready. Melt the butter, stirring constantly, until you begin to see brown flecks and the butter has a nutty aroma. This should take 5-10 minutes. Once browned, immediately take off heat to prevent burning. STEPS FOR RICE CRISPY TREATS: In the pot used to brown the butter, mix in 4 cups of the mini marshmallows, the vanilla, and half of the flakey salt. Use a whisk to melt the marshmallows until you get a uniform consistency. Add in the crispy rice cereal and additional cup of mini marshmallows. Mix until well combined. Pour mixture into an 11x17 pan and flatten until it has a uniform height. Let sit for at least 30 minutes to let the marshmallow cool. Cut squares out, or use cookie cutters to make fun shapes! Enjoy!

FOOD & SPIRITS |

ingredients

The Stinger

2 oz Cognac 1 oz Spotted Bear Montana Mint

Combine ingredients into your shaker with ice. Shake until bracingly cold then strain into a fancy glass. Garnish with a lovingly spanked mint sprig and enjoy. This classic is a delightful eye opener after a filling meal and will leave your pallet feeling refreshed. When finished the only cocktail to follow it is another.

MEAGAN SCHMOLL is the owner and creator

of Raskol Drink, a Cocktail Creation and Spirits Education resource designed to expand your knowledge and bar around the curious thirst of history, lore, and spirited adventures that make up the ingredients in your drink. raskoldrink.com

JEN N I FER REI FSN EI DER

ASH LEY V. BLALOCK

MAGGY ROZYCKI H I LTN ER

A Contemporary Fiber and Mixed-Media Arts Exhibition Beyond Intention is an exhibition that presents the work of three contemporary fiber and mixed-media artists. The exhibition aims to address the topic of Intention and Intent as it relates to the profound relationship between the traditions of fiber arts in womens’ lives, as well as its power in the making or breaking of identity, social roles, and societal constructs.

Jennifer Reifsneider, Catch. 2021, archival print, 20 × 30 inches

Maggy Rozycki Hiltner, Above and Below. 2021, hand-stitched cotton and found embroidery, 18 ½ × 8 inches

Ashley V. Blalock, Keeping Up Appearances. 2011-ongoing, cotton yarn, dimensions vary

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watercolor 101

Prep your paper with a plain water wash— enough to dampen the paper, but not so much that it starts to soak through. This will make it easier for the colors of your sky to blend together.

Work from the top of your paper toward the middle, using less pigment as you go. I like to start with a sky blue color, then work into purple and pink, and fade to white. You can bring pinker shades down the paper, but be sure to keep more blues toward the top (unless the sky is green in your paper).

Working from the bottom up, add in oranges and yellows. Similar to the top of the paper, work from more to less saturation (more pigment in your brush to less, or less water to more water).

| CREATE

Once you’re happy with your sky, let it dry! Look at your paper obliquely to see if it’s still shiny. You can set this piece aside and work on another one while you wait, or you can dry your paper with a blow dryer (just keep in mind that you can move pigment around with a dryer!).

When your paper’s evenly dry, start in on some trees. Using a filbert brush (or a similar finer-point brush), start with a small line. Then, using the tip of your brush, loosely tap and zig-zag down the paper. Don’t worry about making perfect or pretty trees— it’s nature, and it’s your painting! Your trees can be Pine, Larch, or fluffy Blue Spruce (or you can make a brand new tree).

Watercolor works light to dark, transparent to opaque. Start out with trees that are further in the distance by using less pigment, and add more color as you go. For my trees, I used a mix of navy and black. I just wanted them to be silhouettes, so you don’t have to worry about too many details (unless you want to).

Lastly, go in with some white paint, a paint pen, etc., and add some stars & constellations! You can paint the sky you see or reference constellations from a specific place or date (a hometown, the sky from someone’s birthday— it’d make a real sentimental gift, y’all). And that’s it! Use gold or silver for more stars, paint a moon, write a quote over it— do what ya like. Watercolor is a friendly & forgiving medium. You don’t have to make something perfect to make something wonderful; you just have to make something.

WISDOM WORKSHOP community / sustainability / longevity

406.407.2054 | wisdomworkshopmt.com

homes.cabins.saunas.studios.villages

handcrafted in northwest Montana

great river By Morgan Marks

on a boat in the middle of the great river I put my hands in the water let the current take me let the cold wash over me I won't paddle against, no no, I won't paddle against the current on a boat in the middle of the great river I allow myself to flow for the water will carry me where I need to go

| VIGNETTE

| CREATE

midwinter dusk AN EMBROIDERY PATTERN BY MEGAN CRAWFORD

stitch & paint guide

Aha, this is why there’s a watercolor tutorial in this issue. Showing how paint interacts with paper versus fabric is a big part of why I’ve included both— it also helps bridge the gap between paint and embroidery. If you’ve been wanting to try embroidery but you’re not sure where to start, this is by far the friendliest design I’ve made for the magazine. There isn’t even a pattern. Just watercolors, fabric, and one skein of thread (and you’ll have plenty left over to make pieces to your heart’s content). Start by placing your cut fabric into an embroidery hoop. I used a 6˝ hoop and fabric roughly cut to 10˝×10˝ (you can shrink this pattern down to a 3˝ hoop for tiny wall hangings!). For the watercolor, you’ll want to err on the side of a drier brush with more pigment. You can always blend things out with more water. Like the paper painting, start out with your darker colors at the top of the hoop— blues, navys, purples, pinks— whatever you want your sky to be. Rinse your brush, and add oranges and yellows to the bottom of the hoop. You can keep the middle of your fabric lighter, or you can work in some pinks/corals. Before you paint the trees, make sure your fabric is bone dry. Paint on damp fabric will continue to bloom (which works for more distant trees, but not so much if you want crisp lines). Painting trees on fabric is the same as painting trees on paper— light to dark, top to bottom, blotchy zig-zags. For the embroidery, I used ecru-colored thread. I chose to stitch Aquarius, but you can make your sky whatever you want! A favorite constellation, random stars, or just paint fabric in a hoop. All of the stitches for this piece are straight stitches— just straight lines, nothing fancy (which is what makes it a great beginner piece!). I’d recommend using two threads for bigger stars and one thread for smaller stars and connecting lines.

supplies ecru

6˝ Embroidery hoop 10˝×10˝ Cotton fabric (Kona, Calico— even cotton canvas will work) DMC embroidery floss Scissors Embroidery needle Watercolor paint & brushes Optional: felt for backing

CHLOE NOSTRANT

CHLOE NOSTRANT PHOTOGRAPHY Authentic storytelling through images. FINE ART | BRANDING | EQUESTRIAN

Montana

chloenostrantphotography.com

| VIGNETTE

nonlinear

by Sydney munteanu

The sun rises without an applause. The moon looses all of her light only to grow again Full and round. Trees burn out flashes of brilliance so to emerge with small, quiet, Frost-dusted buds. Calendar pages flip, the light simmers low. And turns again with days that are hot, high, longer. Nature so sweetly plays this game with us. A reminder, of impermanence. Time balancing so that it can change again.

RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA IN MONTANA provided by Ganja Goddess Recreational sales in Montana begin on January 1st, 2022! Whether or not you are new to the cannabis world or have been involved in the medical side of the industry, our staff at Ganja Goddess are excited to answer any questions you may have as we approach the new year.

The basics: • Adults 21 or older are allowed to carry/purchase 1 ounce or equivalent in cannabis products beginning January 1st, 2022 • All cannabis products must be child-resistant or transported in a child-resistant bag

Yes, in addition to growing your own plants, you are allowed up 1 ounce per day and up to 5 ounces per month.

How do you determine which dispensary is medical, recreational, or has a license for both?

Will there be a difference between recreational purchasing limits and medical purchasing limits?

Each dispensary is required to have signage clearly posted notifying the public of who can purchase at their specific location. The CCD (cannabis control division) will also be updating their website to indicate which locations sell medical only and which sell both medical and recreational for adult use only.

Yes, medical clients can petition their certified physician in order to purchase a higher limit.

Under adult recreational use, what guidelines must I follow? Just like medical use, the same rules apply for recreational use. Marijuana consumption and possession remains prohibited in public, in certain other locations, and is prohibited on all federal lands and waters. Recreational use of marijuana is prohibited in hospitals and other health care facilities. Furthermore, do not drive during or after medical or recreational use, as you still will be held accountable by law enforcement. Remember, marijuana is federally illegal, so be mindful as you navigate this new recreational world of cannabis use. 40

If I have a medical card and grow my own medicine marijuana, can I purchase it recreationally?

Examples of limits, packaging requirements, and total milligrams of THC in certain products. Edible adult-use marijuana products may contain up to 10 mg of THC per serving and up to 100 mg of THC in an entire package. In general, the total THC of marijuana flower may not exceed 35%. Topical products may contain no more than 6% THC and no more than 800 mg of THC per package. A marijuana product sold as a capsule, transdermal patch, or suppository may contain more than 100 mg of THC and no more than 800 mg of THC in an entire package. Again, these limits do not apply to medical marijuana cardholders.

Will products be sold in safe, child-resistant containers and packages?

Can I travel through counties that did not approve the use of recreational marijuana?

Yes, all products that leave a medical or recreational dispensary are to be placed and taken in an exit bag that is child-resistant. All items will also be labeled in accordance with state compliance standards.

If you are traveling from one county to another and transporting any marijuana products, you will need to check with the specific county on their rules and regulations regarding their specific laws and regulations.

Do you recommend I get a medical card? With a doctor’s recommendation and an approved application through the state, you get a medical card. The benefits of having a medical card are the limited taxations and the ability to petition to have a higher monthly limit.

Will my information be shared with third parties? Purchases are made with your driver’s license and recorded through a third-party tracking system that the state of Montana monitors. The system is called Metrc and tracks all cannabis grown from seed to sale. Many dispensaries also use third-party point of sale systems to record and track customer sales; at Ganja Goddess, we use Greenbits. This system allows us to offer a loyalty point system that gives our customers cashback on their purchases.

Will there be a cannabis sales tax? What will be the difference between recreational vs. medical? Recreational marijuana will be taxed at 20% of retail sales. Medical marijuana will continue to be taxed at 4% of retail sales. Local jurisdictions may add an additional tax of up to 3%. For example, Ganja Goddess has five locations: Bozeman, Livingston, Butte, Helena, and Missoula. Depending on which county you are shopping in, there may be a 3% sales tax depending on what the people voted.

This information was provided by Ganja Goddess, a women-owned, Montana-made, family-operated company located throughout the Treasure State. We look forward to seeing you in the New Year!

Will I still be able to buy my CBD products at a dispensary? As dispensary owners with a full line of Ganja Goddess CBD products, the unfortunate answer to this question is, no. We have spent the last 4 years formulating and making sure we offer the best and most effective CBD products to our customers. We find this new rule heartbreaking for many dispensary owners and our loyal customers. Medical and recreational dispensaries are not allowed to sell CBD products; however, those products can be sold by other businesses or can be purchased online. At Ganja Goddess, we hope this will change as we have many customers who will now have to purchase their CBD online instead of picking up locally. To sell CBD, Ganja Goddess, like many other dispensary owners, will have to sell under an entirely different company or business. You can find our CBD products online under our new sister company that we have branded, GGMT CBD.

GANJA GODDESS 2006 W BABCOCK ST BOZEMAN, MT 5971 (406) 451-6061 BOZEMAN • BUTTE• HELENA • LIVINGSTON • MISSOULA 41

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| VIGNETTE

by the window by Emily Adamiak

tap. tap tap. tap. rainfall, a moment caught between when ground is not quite slick, frost a distant visitor waiting for an invitation to visit patient on precipitation’s whim oh what life. shh. shh shh. shh. the brush of windswept hands through trees as in passing, a constant wanderer on its way to greet friends anew swish. swishswishswish. swish. quiet feet break the silence amidst the leaves, fallen amongst their brethren not anguish but solidarity solemnly forging the path ahead boom boom. boom. boom boom. a heart beats across a room joined in tandem by a close confidant, firey glow warming twin souls

IMAGE BY ELINA UPMANE

oh what wondrous, wondrous life.

montana heat by Shelbi Fitzpatrick

There is a warmth to the Montana cold only my loved ones know. Torn long johns are repaired by layering torn fabric upon torn fabric. Cheeks and chins escape scratchy blades as whiskers age the face. With snowpeaked backs, bovines stand, chewing cud into a hibernating daze. Cold and cuss cutting twine, hay bails roll down from hilltops. Blasting heat and weather reports, pickup trucks remain safe havens for return. Bodies become worn and recliner wantin’ from a day of leaning against the wind. Coffee and cards for dinner, crock-pots are a centerpiece to kitchen tables. Finally unthawed and fed, we collapse into sheets we’ll warm with that Montanan heat. 44

IMAGE BY CALEB GEORGE

| VIGNETTE

SAVANAH MCCARTY

Restoration Ranch: a story of Hope & Horses 46

Story by Genevieve Dahl Images by Chloe Nostrant

| FEATURE

It takes a special kind of person to look at a dump site and see potential buried beneath piles of discarded junk and bags of trash. Taking on large land renovations requires an ability to view what others might consider irreversible damage through the lens of opportunity, a chance to return and restore a seemingly lost cause to full potential. Some might call this ability having a vision, others may call it faith, but whatever you want to label it, horseman and conscious rancher Savanah McCarty has it. When she first stepped foot onto the Montana ranch that now houses S+S Stables, the equine center for mental health she owns, operates, and dedicates to healing, she didn’t see an abandoned dump with broken fences; she saw the bones of her dream and the bones were good. “I fell in love with this property the moment I felt the earth under my feet,” McCarty recalls. “I was standing there in the Golden Valley, surrounded by the Spanish Peaks, listening to the soundtrack of the Gallatin River, and I knew I had found the home of S+S Stables.” Located in the Gallatin Gateway, just 20 minutes outside of Bozeman, it’s hard to believe S+S Stables has yet to exist for a full calendar year. McCarty has longstanding Montana connections; when she packed horses through the Beartooth Mountains for the first time, she knew she would put down roots in what she regards as the most beautiful corner of the globe. In June of 2021, she did just that by pulling up to her new Montana home and worksite with a big dream, not quite enough funding to call it a for sure bet, and a trailer of three horses, colts she had raised herself. With the deadline of a Montana winter looming, she knew there was no time to worry, regret, or wonder. If she was going to renovate this ranch and bring her vision to life, she had to roll up her sleeves and get to work.

Removing damage and restoring worth is nothing new for McCarty. In her early years, she was a social worker, a career that motivated her first grand-scale effort, the nationally-renowned Wild Souls Ranch— an equine therapy wraparound program nestled in the redwood forests of Fortuna, California.

being emotionally equipped to process the cause of it without leaning on self-blame and shame. From there, she bounced around from her aging grandparent’s care to extended relatives’ homes, all with heart-wrenching court dates and failed attempts to reunify with her birth mom sprinkled in between.

McCarty herself grew up in the California Child Welfare system. Her father was never present in her life, and her biological mother gave up custody when McCarty was five years old, a perfectly tender age to fully feel the trauma of abandonment without

At the age of six, McCarty met a woman who would change her life, a horseman named Marlene. For the next six years of her life, while he was able, McCarty’s grandfather would bring her to Marlene’s ranch. In horses, McCarty experienced trust and

unconditional love for what she recalls as the very first time, and with one particular horse, a lively quarter horse mare named Sheza, she developed an unbreakable bond. “Sheza and Savanah, we are the S and S of S+S Stables. Sheza is the horse that saved me and inspired my life’s work.”

relatives willing to “take a chance” on her, doing her best to stay small in hopes of being regarded as not too much of a burden and at least worthy of a permanent place to call home. Heartbreakingly enough, that never happened, and McCarty aged out of the system without an adult to guide her, but she did have that horse, Sheza, a forever friend gifted to her by that kindhearted rancher Marlene.

After her grandfather received a tough cancer diagnosis, McCarty’s childhood returned to a whirlwind of chaos and unknown. As a teenager, she shuffled back and forth between homes of relenting

It is likely McCarty’s own experience as a ward of the court cultivated her gift to see the beauty in barren land, hurt people, and lost souls. When she started Wild Souls Ranch in 2013 with less than 51

$10,000 in annual funds to rent a 10’x10’ shed in a leased pasture, she faced several rejections and glass ceilings. People had a hard time understanding her vision of using horses and equine exposure therapy to heal those in the foster care system of rural northern California, let alone trusting an unsupported 25-year-old without an entrepreneurial backstory. But when McCarty shoveled hay out of that shed, she knew it was the beginning of something beautiful, despite what the naysayers said. And she was correct. At the end of fiscal year 2021, Wild Souls Ranch was a $3 million organization with a beautiful 13-acre rolling hills northern California ranch, a staff of 20, a full board of directors, and state recognition as a way paver thanks in part to the benchmark foster care wraparound program McCarty created. It appears that McCarty successfully brought her dream to life, which made her resignation announcement especially surprising to her community of now supporters. In early 2021, 52

McCarty announced she was stepping down from her role as Executive Director of Wild Souls Ranch to pursue a new project in Bozeman, Montana. McCarty’s eyes light up when you ask her why she would leave a thriving organization to transform a parcel of untended land into what, seemingly, she already had built in California, an equine therapy ranch. “I left Wild Souls Ranch in a great place. We transformed social services for those in the foster care program in northern California, the organization is thriving, and I’m proud of that, but now I am answering the call to Montana to build on this idea that horses can heal trauma. I want to help all populations of children, and I want to help adults who are hurting, veterans, really anyone needing mental health support.” It is more than her quest to help others— S+S

Stables fulfills a personal mission for McCarty as well. By establishing S+S stables as a business rather than a state-funded non-profit like her previous endeavor, McCarty is free from the bureaucratic restraints she has been bound by her whole life. Growing up within the foster care system and then trying to transform it into something more effective from the outside was a personal pursuit McCarty felt she had taken as far as she could. There are emergent mental health methodologies undergoing scientific research right now, and McCarty wants her facility to be a safe space for providers to explore them, once approved. From the EmPath sensory approach to the use of psilocybin therapy in adults with major depression, OCD, and anxiety, McCarty believes it imperative to practice mental therapies without the often-lagging restraints that came with running a governmentsupported organization.

“After carrying Wild Souls Ranch through the pandemic and dealing with years of bureaucracy, I was so far removed from the heart of the work I had set out to do that my own mental health was suffering,” McCarty shares. “S+S Stables is me returning to my authentic self.” McCarty is genuine; she exudes realness and seems to prefer to live as an open book. She is on a continual quest for growth and in relentless pursuit of holistic living. Her hearty laugh echoes through the arena she has now repaired, and she constantly sweeps her long, windswept hair out of her face to reveal the smile of someone who is, at long last, living their truth. The overarching goal of S+S Stables is to ensure that all mental health care providers in the area have access to equine therapy resources at an affordable rate. The Bozeman ranch provides the space, horses, trainers, and programs that local counselors, therapists, and mental health organizations need to offer equine-related mental health services. It is 53

McCarty’s belief that once she has proof of concept in Bozeman, she can open additional mental health ranch locations in other parts of Montana, and perhaps, if her wildest of dreams comes true, across the country. In less than six months, McCarty has transformed 13-acres of Gallatin Gateway land into an astonishingly beautiful healing space. The fences are mended, the junk has been hauled away, the grass is growing, and the empty grain silo has been converted into a tiny home that McCarty shares with her black cat, Diane. Clarity Counseling Center in Bozeman is now able to offer equine psychotherapy services by operating out of S+S Stables three days a week. Bear Hug Cattle Company ran their Veteran ranch workforce training program on the property over the summer months. War Party Movement, a non-profit dedicated to Native American communities, is working with McCarty to weave equine therapeutic plans into a scholarship program they offer to human trafficking survivors.

I want to help all populations of children, and I want to help adults who are hurting, veterans, really anyone needing mental health support. Though S+S Stables is a full-service equine center and conscious horse ranch, a place for people of all ages, helping children who have experienced trauma live full lives is a cause that will forever be close to McCarty’s heart. Sheza, the ranch’s namesake and the self-proclaimed love of McCarty’s life, lives on in spirit at the ranch and through S+S Stable’s Social Emotional Learning program. “Sheza was the first living thing I was able to truly connect with, the first being I trusted, my first love.” McCarty personally knows the damage that trauma, abuse, and abandonment can cause, the havoc they can wreak on a child’s self-worth, confidence, and ability to grow, but she also knows first-hand the incredible healing power of horses. Children without obvious trauma who face more common social and emotional challenges can benefit 54

from equine exposure as well. Several studies have demonstrated that animal-assisted therapy offers positive psychosocial outcomes for children. Equine therapy has been shown to have encouraging effects on children with autism,1 ADHD,2 and those who need support navigating the social-emotional stress modern society presents.3 McCarty designed the Social Emotional Learning after school program at S+S Stables to support parents who are looking to proactively nurture and develop a social and emotional toolkit for their children. McCarty shines when facilitating these afternoon sessions. Surrounded by a circle of tiny humans sitting on burlap sacks in the arena, she crouches down to their level and introduces them to one of the ranch’s colts, Gus. One by one, the kids meet Gus. They run their little fingers through his mane, hug his neck, giggle as they feed him carrots, and help McCarty clean out his horseshoes. Throughout the program, these children will assist the staff with grooming and providing basic care for the ranch’s family of horses, Gus and his four mates: Sparkles, Rona, Lady May, and Kash. Eventually, these

children will grow to fully know and trust the S+S Stables horses, and by the end of the program, they will ride each one, bareback. Looking at the before photographs of the 13-acre Gallatin parcel that is now S+S stables, it’s near impossible to conceptualize how one woman was able to transform what was a dumpsite into what stands today— not just a renovated ranch, but a horse haven and a healing space, a place where those with baggage and bruises can come and be reborn into their true selves. If these near contradictory images are representative of McCarty’s vision to transform mental health in Montana with equine therapy, the horizons are hopeful indeed. GENEVIEVE DAHL is an extroverted introvert who has never met a stranger. By day, she is VP of Creative for Hotel McCoy, and by night (and weekends) she reads and reviews books, writes stories, and raises daughters. She loves to connect with readers on instagram @ReadingRainCloud and on Twitter at @GenevieveDahl_

1 Maujean, Annick, Christopher Pepping, and Elizabeth Kendall. “A Systematic Review of Randomized Controlled Trials of Animal-Assisted Therapy on Psychosocial Outcomes.” Taylor & Francis, April 2015 2 Srinivasan, Sudha M, David Cavagnino, and Anjana Bhat. “Effects of Equine Therapy on Individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder: A Systematic Review.” Review journal of autism and developmental disorders. U.S. National Library of Medicine, June 2018

Strandheim, De Ridder, and Cuypers. “The Effect of Therapeutic Horseback Riding on 5 Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Pilot Study.” Journal of alternative and complementary medicine (New York, N.Y.). U.S. National Library of Medicine

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I was standing there in the Golden Valley, surrounded by the Spanish Peaks, listening to the soundtrack of the Gallatin River, and I knew I had found the home of S+S Stables Savanah McCarty

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| VIGNETTE

finding

Words & image by Hannah Crouse

How remarkable it’s been, to discover myself. First shaped by the opinions of others. But then the Earth stepped in and shaped me even more. Shaped me in such a way that I finally started to notice myself. In the roots of the trees, the alpine lakes, the cracks in the mountains and the wind that runs up them, the violently powerful ocean, and even in the gritty dirt itself. There I found my reflection looking back at me. As if it were there all along, just waiting patiently to be seen.

unexpected turbulence By Gabrielle Pelchen

| LIFE

We were sitting on the plane listening to the soundtrack of pre-takeoff: whirring, beeping, passenger noise, and crackly

announcements. I leaned over to my partner, took his hand, and squeezed it. “Stu?” “Hmm?” “We could get home from this trip, pick up a puppy on Saturday and find out we’re pregnant on Sunday.” He laughed, a glint in his chocolate eyes. “Wouldn’t that be something?” A small stuffed frog, the single souvenir we were bringing back from our trip, was tucked safely in my suitcase, waiting to be chewed by our puppy. Still holding Stu’s hand, I looked out at the quickly leaving ground and wondered if I was also bringing home another type of souvenir entirely.

Two blue lines. We did it! I could feel my heart lift out of my ribs like a balloon floating to the clouds. A whisper of excitement fluttered hesitantly in the deep of my belly. I let the joy wash over me as I wrapped my arms around my partner’s neck and kissed his cheek. “You’re going to be a daddy,” I told him. I’m going to be a mom? I had no idea that it would be months before I felt joy or excitement over this fact, again. I heard stories about women who became pregnant, bloomed and glowed, held their bellies, and nested with their mates like starlings in spring. I was not one of these women. “I think it was the powerlessness of the first days with the puppy.” I’m sitting on a couch across from a woman with curly red hair. She has the most open, caring face. This compassionate human would be my counselor through my whole pregnancy. “It was like something inside me snapped. Here’s this animal that needs me, is so vulnerable and dependent on me. She has taken away my sleep, makes me paranoid, frustrated. I have no life! I feel completely out of control!” I stop to stare at the ground as tears well in my eyes. One escapes and pools over to trail down my cheek. I rub the back of my hand over it and continue, “If this is what it’s like with my puppy, how will it be with the baby?” I let the question hang there for a moment.

“I had a complete meltdown. I sat on the floor in my room and all I could think was my life is now chained to this baby. I don’t exist anymore.” A few weeks later, Stu and I pull up in front of an adorable house on the west side. We’ve been fighting. Again. It’s always over something stupid that I can never remember what. In the pit of my stomach, I feel ashamed and sad that we’re walking into our first midwife appointment having just been spatting at each other. Correction, I spat, he calmly takes it. I unbuckle my seatbelt and get out of the car, charging to the front door. I don’t wait for him until I get to the front steps. Come on Gabrielle. Turn this around. I feel him standing just behind me and I reach out my hand to him. He takes it. I squeeze it. I love you. I love you. I love you. We make our way in. “Yeah, I had this romantic idea that I would write letters to my unborn baby.” I’m looking across the table to the two women who radiate acceptance and safety toward me. We’ve made our way through the biological questions of how I’m doing with the pregnancy, and now comes my “honesty hour.” “The thing is, all I can write is the truth, and right now, the truth isn’t very, uh, romantic.” “That’s ok Gabrielle. Write what comes. Write both. The good and the bad.”

letters to my child Reality: I can’t decide if I have no feelings or am shutting down my feelings about the fact that you are currently swimming in your own little world inside my stomach. You reside in me. Your mother. That’s a word I didn’t think I would ever say about myself. Mother. Being a mother. Mother is a verb. To be a mother is to do constantly, to be in action, thought, feeling, perpetually. One doesn’t ever stop being a mother once their child is born. I am accepting a role that will change my actual identity for the rest of my life. You’re doing that. You are the inauguration to my new title: Mom. You, my child. This tiny thing inside me that I can’t even fathom or accept. You have been very easy on me so far. I haven’t thrown up or been nauseous once. The worst thing physically that your habitation is doing on my body currently is giving me headaches. Emotionally though, you have wreaked pure, unadulterated havoc. I have completely come unhinged. My seams are split, I’m out of orbit (if I ever was in one), and I am leaking from every orifice I have. Something about your arrival has brought the arrival of every pain and fear I have kept pushing deep within me. These things have lain dormant since I was little. None of these things is your fault. No one is to blame, no one is to be held accountable. Nonetheless, these emotions and surges of feelings that rise and swell inside me are far more powerful than I ever could have imagined. These emotions, as hard as they are to feel, are actually a gift. I am, in a weird, twisted way, preparing myself for you. I am acknowledging that to make a safe home for you, I must confront the parts of myself that I have shamed, left broken, and have never healed. I do not know if I can keep you. If I should keep you. If I want you. You have a father too. I guess you should know that. How sad that even in writing this, he comes as a second. That is the curse of fatherhood I suppose, to always be second. He will not bear you as I am now. He cannot. That duty, no, biological law, is for the mother alone. That is how it feels. We are alone. You alone in me, and I alone in bearing you. Together, we are alone. Your father is a good man. He is kind, honest, and wants you. He is naive and has much to learn, and a huge responsibility to help you into the world, but he is father and I am mother.

also Reality: You are entering into the world during an advantaged era. We have modern medicine that has saved millions of lives. Science and engineering have changed the way we exist, how we eat, travel, and even talk to one another. Humans have more freedom than they have ever had. Many, many countries are supporting all sexes and fighting to make all humans equal. Where we live, you can grow up to speak your mind, worship as you wish, and be the CEO of your own business if you choose. You will be born in, or brought home, to a beautiful home. Your father has worked very hard and has earned enough to have a space made for us that is safe, sound, and supplied with everything you will ever need. You have grandparents that live only a 30-minute drive away. They will care for you and bring so much joy and love into your life. Granny will be with you from day one, helping and holding and being there for you. Grandpa will give you his special quiet tenderness that only he can, and you will feel calm and accepted by him instantly. Your father also has a beautiful, wonderful family, and they will come to relish in you and support you too. They will not be people who just send you a card on your birthday or at Christmas; you will get to know their faces and feel their arms around you and know their names. Your home for the next little bit is in a coveted city in an even more sought-after state. This is the land that people put on their bucket lists as “the last frontier,” the place where “it’s still untouched.” This is a state of mountains, lakes, rivers, and wildlife. Everywhere you turn, there is a different landscape, a different view, a new weather zone, and miles of unbroken land. The city we live in is nestled in a valley and there is a mix of people, buildings, trails, animals, and opportunities that we will get to show you. We might not stay here long, but this will always be a place you come to, because it is my home. I was born here too and your father owns three homes here. This will be a valley you will keep in the pocket of your heart.

Reality: I didn’t want you today. I don’t understand what I’m doing. I don’t know what possessed me to think I could make this decision when I can’t make any decision. Why did I do this? Why am I playing with my life with the biggest decision I will ever make… and I’m just doing it. I’m just going to have you and change my entire life forever. No going back. Just throw my life away. Bam! 7 months and I’ll never be the same ever ever again. Do I love Stu or do I just allow myself to love him? Is it real? Or am I telling myself it is? I’m afraid he won’t be there for me the way I need. Not now? Or not when I have the baby? Both? Is this all just overthinking and not even real? Or is it valid? Are couples ever truly happy? Or do you just pick someone and try and make it work the best you can… problems and all. Just do what they did up until the 80s. You just stay with them and figure it out. Are these real feelings or just feelings my fear is producing? People say they didn’t regret their kids, but I regret the day I stopped being a kid. Where does that put me? also Reality: Your father is a good person. He has a good heart and is smart and kind and thinks of others and wants to be kind to others above all else. He lets go of the things that bother him so much. He does his absolute best. He cares about the things I care about. He wants to be with me. He wants you. He will provide for you. He says he will provide for me. He wants us to work. He works hard for you and us and me. He cares so much. He tries so hard. He only wants what’s best for us. He, for some god-forsaken reason, loves me. He’s faithful and honest and would never purposefully hurt anyone. He wants to see everyone succeed. He is constant and pure and doesn’t make waves. He’s learned to hold life more gently. He is always helping and learning and putting the needs of others in the same line of importance as his own. He isn’t perfect. He can drive me insane. He’s not me. He’s him. And I’m me. Reality: Today, I was convinced I did not want you. You were the end of my life. You shattered every single strength I have struggled for. You are the herald to slavery. To whatever the opposite of alone is. To never having time. To the definition of struggle.

also Reality: Your dad says all we can do is our best and he knows we’ll do our best. This brought me peace. We will do our best by you. I know that with every fiber of my being. I didn’t write more after that. I let go and devoted my journey to no expectations and pursued what would not only be best for the baby but best for me. I continued to see my counselor, and Stu joins me. My counselor, after several months, detected that I was doing everything I could without reprieve from my stress or anxiety. I started medication for depression. Fast forward three weeks and my life did an aboutface. I am accepting my pregnancy and am filled with joy at my little boy’s movements and his growth inside me. I see the love my partner showers on me, and I am filled with gratitude and laughter again. I still feel fear and anger and wish for perpetual control, but I am no longer living in a prison of shame and doubt. My life used to feel like the volume was always turned up too loud, like I could only cope if I followed rules and kept trying and trying and trying to be perfect. I don’t know if this is my personal story or if other mothers-to-be have felt the same or been in a similar place. I do know there is an unspoken pressure that comes from so many facets of our lives (social media, culture, well-meaning others) that expects us as women to be overjoyed and excited by our pregnancies, to have it all figured out, and to look good doing it! Even if you’re not waiting to become a mother, maybe you’re waiting to become something else: settled in a new career, a friend, a happier person, fill in the blank. A better person in some way. But the truth is, we are allowed to stop “becoming” and should allow ourselves to be. While I await the coming of this little being inside me (due: March 2022), I still have waves of emotion and trepidation, but I am also aware that that’s life. Life isn’t about getting it right. It’s learning to love the in-betweens and grow outside the boundaries of fear. I want other mothers-to-be and women to know that questioning things doesn’t make us wrong. You aren’t wrong because you don’t have the answers. The unknown and the questions are opportunities for curiosity and growth. Not knowing is ok. It means you’re open to learning, and that’s the most beautiful journey there is. We are not becoming. We already are. Gabrielle Pelchen was born and raised in Montana. She currently lives in Whitefish with her partner, Stuart, their puppy Tuna, and a baby bump— due early March. Gabrielle has her bachelors in Psychology with hopes to earn a masters to pursue a counseling career. Among many things, she particularly loves to write and hopes to always find time and a way to connect and express through the art of words.

feared drowned by Sarah Harding

She was the kind of brilliant handful that made people ask “What are you going to do when she’s a teenager?” The kind of two year old so comfortable in the water And in herself That she was fearless. Her favorite swimming stroke Was floating face down. Curls reaching away, cerulean eyes searching the bottom And then popping up lively Smiling at the terrified faces of the other mothers At the hotel kiddie pool. Sometimes one would charge across the shallows toward her And I would be there Smiling, Reassuring, Those poor motherly hearts. What am I going to do when she’s a teenager? I suppose I’ll keep gently tapping her shoulder To check-in and be sure She’s not drowning. Smiling, Reassuring, Her tender floating heart.

| VIGNETTE

By Stephanie Mosbrucker

| LIFE

This feeling of anticipation has taken over in my life. I wake up with this feeling of wonder (that sometimes feels like anxiety) every morning. It is a constant presence…every walk, every class, every conversation, every encounter feels like something fantastic is about to happen. I feel like I am playing a game of hide and seek, and I am seeking. Not yet annoyed with not finding what I am looking for. I am still in wonder. I wonder, what is it? I wonder what am I looking for? I am awaiting. This feeling of wonder and anticipation is new. This feeling, historically, would be called constant anxiousness. Right now, though, something has shifted and a metamorphosis has begun. I believe it may feel more like excitement of what is to come instead of dread of what could go wrong. I await. It feels like I am open to experiencing something I have closed oﬀ in the last few years of my life— happiness.

IMAGE BY MARKUS SPISKE

I await.

Happiness is what I seem to be seeking. This metamorphosis from constant anxiety to calm contentment is also an internal conflict. I am so accustomed to the dialect of anxiety that it took me awhile to realize I am gently allowing myself to live in happiness, and I am completely fine with it. For the first time in my life, I am not pushing away or hiding. I am letting life open up before me. I am allowing the past to be just that, the past. I am no longer diving into the pain of past mistakes or heartaches each morning— because it is familiar, it is what I know— I am seeking out each day as a new beginning, a start to a new memory. My past has beautiful, loving memories. Memories of my children in each stage of their childhood that bring warmth to my heart. I am holding those memories in happiness instead of the feeling of loss that time has passed. I feel excitement for their new memories and growth. I feel excitement for their own happiness. I am feeling excitement for my own. I am becoming fluent in the language of happiness. I no longer await. I am grateful for the duality of

my life. I am grateful for my battle scars, for they have shown me the way to this path. The time is right. The time is now. It is always now.

STEPHANIE MOSBRUCKER is a lover of nature, ceremony, movement and adventure. She is the mother of four magical spirits, Writer, Ceremony Officiant, Yoga Instructor at Yoga Hive, and Retreat Leader. She was born in Montana with the spirit of a fairy, the mouth of a sailor and the heart of a hippie. She learned early in childhood that Mother Nature and expression with movement and words were three vital ingredients to a beautiful life. The ability to release tensions, aggressions, anxiety and fear while in nature is a tonic. She would like to share with all who walk into her path how to open their senses to all the magic that surrounds us in this beautiful state and to extend it into their life. Body, mind and spirit.

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THE SECRET OF CHANGE IS TO FOCUS ALL OF YOUR ENERGY, NOT ON FIGHTING THE OLD, BUT ON BUILDING THE NEW. Dan Millman

excess By Yetta Stein

| VIGNETTE

an extra set of sheets in the closet, where you keep sheets and extra bits. residual song lyrics, reminiscent of dead lovers. you are caught between wanting to remember everything and the necessity of forgetting. apples in excess, picked with crumble ambitions. torn between wanting to consume each thing you can touch and wanting to compost your own heart. dishes trimmed with inlay gold and pink roses, gifts from inherited grandmothers. you are held in the bramble of tree’d families. you are lost in your overwhelmed basement. you are making a list, keeping track of everything holy. you are letting go of atomic matter. you have this plan to lose bits along the way. you are in the business of losing yourself. you are in the business of dusting sweeping singing sorting. you could set this whole house on fire. you would rush off to find a pillowed bed made up with linen sheets, ones that smell like the grandfather you never met, that sound like the midnight train rumbling a few blocks away. set this whole house on fire and you would find yourself singing past the destruction. you would crave a sweet honeycrisp. you would use your hands as a bowl. with rounded shoulders, you are carrying the laundry up the stairs, folding each sheet, filling the closet with piles of frivolous fabric, piles of worn affection. piles of extra warmth.

finding my own integrity

IMAGE BY CALEB JONES

BY BARBARA FRASER

| LIFE

For the first time in years, I step into the New Year with a joyful heart. I still miss my husband and now understand I always will— love is funny like that. But I have room in my life to treasure the old memories and still seek new adventures. I am ready for whatever fills the next three hundred and sixty-five days and see life as a beautiful lesson waiting for me to learn from. This has been created by the things I have discovered in the last five years as well as what I leave behind. I recently returned home from a delightful visit with family. I was flattered at the South Carolina foliage that showed off with deep crimson leaves that danced on the branches and were accompanied by those of flaming orange and vibrant yellow. It is also impossible to visit the south without a respectable education about Kudzu— I apparently barely noticed it 39 years ago when I lived in the Carolinas. Every book that takes place in the south has a narration of the perennial vine that is deeply invasive; I am here to tell you that these descriptions do not do it justice. It climbs over every single object in its entirety, including itself. It hides cars, houses, roads, and even telephone poles and their wires. It is surprisingly impressive, and we “northerners” have nothing that compares to it. We delight and brag about the deep winter freeze of everything we consider pesky, which occasionally includes ourselves.

IMAGE BY STEVEN CORDES

It was a perfect autumn, and my boots were replaced with sandals the morning I arrived and my coat spent most of the time in the closet. It was fun to watch graceful Red Cardinals at the feeders instead of the noisy Blue Jays that frequent mine. I ate foods that re-inspired my delight in learning to cook and bake and brought home recipes that are already favorites. Being with family nurtured me in ways that were unexpected, and the stories and understandings that I brought back home helped me better navigate my life and allow me to put dead ends in places that had previously used detour signs.

We spend our lives searching for many different things. Some we discover along the way; some remain unresolved when our life is over and are an element in the fine art of being human. In the younger years of my being an adult, I decided I lacked the selfconfidence necessary to seek power or money or fame. Instead, my heart yearned for a love affair. I wanted a man who would love me just as I was with all my perceived imperfections and I hoped he would find me charming. I wanted children to love and love me in return, and I needed a home to live happily ever after in. These were the desires of my heart, and I found them. I also found more than I could have ever imagined. This nurtured me in a way that I had never experienced, and quite honestly, it still does. I used to believe I was the only one who took so long to see things with greater clarity. I now realize we all feel this way sometimes and that learning things our own way is part of what makes us unique. With each year, I began to like the qualities I discovered in myself. I love my sense of humor and my generosity to others. This includes the unexpected benefit of being more generous with myself— more gracious, kinder. I appreciate my hard-earned wisdom, and the greatest gift this year has been the deepening discovery of my own personal integrity.

My life is now focused on the deeper part of who I am. I consider it one of the gifts of aging. I discovered that I did have moments of power all those years ago; I just didn’t recognize them at the time. I usually had enough money to pay my bills, and the thought of fame was positively frightening. I only wanted to find the courage to speak on my own behalf against the atrocities that should never have been a part of my story in the first place. This was the early onset of finding integrity, and I can pinpoint the moments as if I were a time traveler in my own life. When I spoke up on my own behalf and sought to tell the 78

truth even when it was a risk, I was teaching myself that I could also stand my ground and say no. When I no longer allowed myself to be manipulated and walked away because it was the only choice I was willing to accept, the belief in myself deepened and my integrity surged forward.

I was learning what it meant to be myself with each situation. I would sometimes forget that my strength still existed. I would chase these traits like the bubbles of oxygen that rise to the surface when you are in the deepest darkest waters, and I would eventually learn that I only needed to call on them and watch them reappear because they had always been a part of who I was. I was completely myself in these moments because of the wounds and scars and struggle, not despite them.

The gift of liking who I was came slowly as I exposed myself in my life. The nonsense of what I had layered around myself to protect me and be certain that others only saw what I wanted them to see slowly fell away. The stories I had once told that protected others above me now changed to the only truth that had ever existed. As I stood raw, I also learned that I was more accepted than I could have ever imagined; I also would find others that intimately understood my story. To all of this, I add the recent experience of death and grieving. It has an accompanying learning curve that includes the shelter of a different life that unfortunately dissipates with each day. As time passed, I would also discover that hope exists within grief as we discover small tiny intimate parts of ourselves. They often happen in the most unexpected moments; they are a gift.

I remembered that life was still a beautiful and joyful adventure. I discovered that I did not die with the man I still love so dearly. I grew stronger and then took a deep dive into who I was and brought greater truths to the surface. The description of integrity is doing what is right regardless of who is watching. Doing this in our society must actually begin with finding it within ourselves first. Not always a task for the faint of heart, but something I am finding well worthwhile, even through the ugly truths. With a greater understanding, I realized there were things I was ready to let go of. Deception in any way is no longer a part of my story. I willingly lay all the cards on the table and still believe that sharing myself is a privilege earned and not a right. This makes me smile as I tell my story in a magazine that is mailed all over the country, but it works.

The integrity of a friendship must also include an honest look at self. Each of our friendships is unique and beautiful but will only survive if we include an honest look at what we are willing to give and receive. I was raised with judgment, so learning to not be judgmental of others also includes being less judgmental of myself. I have a friend who is the epitome of graciousness— she is an example I learn from all the time. I have one who has a kind heart and yet cuts to reality quickly. I have learned to make better decisions in my life because of her. I have another friend who is always there for me and teaches me to love myself and be more gracious with imperfection. I have another who is constant like my husband was and like my kids; always there, always willing to help, and the voice of logic when I am anything but. My friends are not perfect people any more than I am, but I have really come to think that perfection is rather overrated. I have also discovered that death redefines friendships like a forest fire; when all is said and

done, those that are meant to be a part of our lives stay once the smoke clears. Any disappointments have probably had more to do with myself than anyone else— you know, expectations and crap like that. True friendship is a rare and unusual gift and is not easily found or maintained. Acquaintances are all around us and are valuable if we are especially social. But the two are not the same, and we do a disservice to both if we believe them to be so. I tried to explain to someone once that a dearest friend is the person who knows the deepest and darkest parts of us and loves us all the same.

Then there is my precious, small family circle that is truly my foundation. I have let go of what didn’t work anymore and consider myself fortunate that these people will always stand by me, and I by them. I hold only gratitude for their honest willingness to support me and even call me on my crap if need be. They nurture me with understanding and support me when I falter. I believe humor is the greatest part of knowing who I am, and they laugh with me often and at me occasionally— I can’t blame them as I am a rather funny person. I am grateful for each morning that comes and for the opportunity to discover more of who I am and the life that unfolds before me— the journey is really where all the good stuff happens.

the journey is where all the really good stuff happens. 79

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BY NICOLE DUNN

| LIFE

the mindfulness tradition I practice in— the Plum Village tradition of Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh— we have a text called the Five Remembrances, which is as follows:

I am of the nature to grow old, there is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health, there is no way to escape having ill health. I am of the nature to die, there is no way to escape death. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand. At first glance (and maybe second & third glance), this may seem like a heavy list. It may feel uncomfortable, maybe even morose. But if we are able to penetrate into these aspects of reality a little deeper, we may discover the opportunity for the Five Remembrances to bring us more fully into our appreciation of life. After many years of developing a close relationship with these Five Remembrances, I’ve found that when I allow myself to feel my way into them and connect with them beyond the surface. They help me to recognize and appreciate my current conditions for happiness, experience profound gratitude for being alive in the present moment, savor my loved ones, and understand how important even my smallest actions are to the quality of my well-being. When I lean away from these elements of life, it is very easy for me to think I will always have my current state of physical functioning; I will always be healthy; I will live forever! (or at least till I’m 100-years-old and pass

away peacefully in my sleep); my loved ones will always be around; I have all the time in the world to do X, Y, Z. When my connection to these remembrances is strong, I take less and less for granted. If I am under the guise that I will always have a high level of physical mobility and functioning, I am much less inclined to experience gratitude for my current state of health. If I think my loved ones will always be around, there is always some unspecified future moment when I think I can connect with them instead of reaching out to them now. If I think I have all the time in the world to do X, Y, Z, I may keep putting off certain things I would really like to do until it’s too late. For me, there is a lot of benefit and wisdom in forming a friendship with the Five Remembrances. They help to elevate me to living my best life in the very here and now by reminding me that time is precious and life is short; that what I do matters. As difficult as it often is to confront, the truth is, old age is not guaranteed (which is also why I make a

slight edit to the first remembrance and instead of saying I am of the nature to grow old, I say I am of the nature to grow older.) Life circumstances can change very quickly. And if I am not attentive to the fact that everything is of the nature to change, I might be tempted to not make the most of the time I am richly afforded. As we enter into a new year, may we practice to keep the vitality of our life firmly in front of us by developing a daily attitude of gratitude for everything we have and extending love to all those we care about. Time is precious. Life is short. Let us not wait to seize the day. Carpe diem, dear friends. Carpe diem. NICOLE DUNN is a Missoula-based writer, community organizer, poet, ordained member of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Order of Interbeing, and program director of Be Here Now, a weekly mindfulness & meditation group she founded in 2002. For more info: InMindfulMotion.com

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goal setting three obstacles standing between you & your best self (and how to overcome them)

BY MINDY COCHRAN | LEVITATION NATION

I have said it time and time again: “You can have anything you want out of life; you just have to be willing to go out and work for it.” There are two important parts of this concept that I believe with my whole heart. First, you have to know what you want out of life (because how can you get an extraordinary life if you don’t know what that looks like or where you are going?). Second, you can manifest anything if you are willing to do the work. That’s why I am in love with the worksheet I designed for my fitness studio for goal-setting. Writing down your goals and the steps to achieve them is so simple, and yet it’s an incredibly important part of defining what you want and the action steps necessary to get there. Goal-setting is powerful work that can be done any time of the year to manifest your best self, but it can be particularly meaningful for the New Year. Goals can range in size: from big, bucket list goals to mini goals. I truly believe both are important on your path to your best self. They can also range in type, from career goals to financial goals to relationship goals and beyond. There is space for up to three goals on the worksheet, but as a health and fitness coach, I always hold at least one space for wellness on my list (and I encourage you to do the same) because not only is health an important goal in of itself, it is also the foundation on which the other goals will be built. Without it, everything else can easily fall apart; and lack of wellness then becomes an obstacle standing in your way. Let’s take a closer look at some common wellness obstacles and how to overcome them.

| LIFE

You don’t prioritize sleep

You might be living under a rock if you haven’t heard how critical sleep is to wellness. Processes that depend on sleep include hormones regulation, building the immune system, and resetting our physical and mental health for the next day. Nothing will derail you from your goals faster than a poor sleep schedule. We know this to be true, and yet so many of us still struggle come bedtime. It is time to get to the bottom of it. Things that can help: • Get sunlight during the day to help set your circadian rhythm. Even five minutes of sunshine will help. • Create a good bedtime routine. This includes turning off TV/ computer/phone screens well before you hit the hay, since the blue light from the screens makes us feel alert, suppresses the sleep hormone melatonin, and interferes with our circadian rhythm. • Make sure your bedroom is a good sleep environment (quiet and dark, with a temperature between about 60 and 70 degrees. Pets that might wake you up get locked out (sorry, Fido). A pen and notepad on the bedstand will allow you to write down anything you think of that you just can’t let go of when trying to doze off ). If you still can’t seem to get quality sleep, consider talking to your doctor. Your best self depends on you.

You lack consistency with your fitness program

A fitness program is mandatory on your pathway to manifesting your best self because it helps build and sustain the energy you will need for your other goal-work. It also activates endorphins (feel-good chemicals in the brain) to help you generate a positive mindset, which is a no-brainer must-have. If you have a hard time sticking to your fitness program, I strongly encourage you to dig deeper to find an exercise you love. As the owner of Kalispell’s aerial fitness studio, I would be remiss not to remind you that exercise is no longer just weight-lifting or walking on a treadmill. Most large cities in the state now offer aerial fitness, which is a cross between dance and gymnastics for kids and adults. Live fitness classes like those we offer at Levitation Nation can help keep you motivated and coming back for more because of camaraderie amongst the other class participants. Alternatively, there are endless options for online classes you can take right from your living room. Do your research to find an exercise program that you love. If you can’t find an exercise program you love, at least find one you can tolerate. And, take your time and enjoy the research…the process can activate the endorphin rush too, if you let it. Once you have found a program that works for you, set a game plan for how you will stick to it.

You don’t nourish yourself with healthy foods

Junk food will give you junk energy. You need to be nourished better than that on your pathway to your extraordinary life. I personally try to stick to no sugar and vegetable oil. If you can manage to pull those two things out of your diet, I guarantee you will see radical changes in your health, energy, and life. Whatever eating plan you choose, plan your meals in alignment with it and do your food prep ahead of time to help you avoid unhealthy choices in a hangry moment.

the bottom line:

Staying focused on health and fitness will help you toward other goals of any type or size. You set yourself up for success when you identify obstacles that might stand in your way and how you will overcome them. You truly can have whatever you want out of 2022 as long as you are willing to lean in and do the work. Happy New Year!

MINDY COCHRAN is the founder of Kalispell’s Levitation Nation Aerial Studio, where the catchphrase “fitness is fun” is embodied alongside a culture of movement & women empowerment. Mindy believes that “The Real Levitation Experience” lies within elevating your health & wellness. Mindy loves to share the expertise she has acquired through her certifications as a personal trainer and life coach. For more about Mindy or Levitation Nation, please visit levitationnation.org.

GOALS

what is each goal & why are they important to me?

ACTION STEPS what steps are necessary to complete each goal?

WHAT OBSTACLES MIGHT STAND IN MY WAY and how will I overcome them?

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Montana Woman Magazine, Issue 16, January/February 2022

Articles inside

Savanah McCarty | Restoration Ranch: A Story of Hope & Horses

Recreational Marijuana in Montana

Letter from the Editor