Montana Woman Magazine, Issue 17, March/April 2022 by Montana Woman Magazine

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montana woman magazine

I S S U E N O 1 7, M A R C H /A P R I L 2 0 2 2 : K A R E N L U M / C U LT I V A T E

IMAGE BY IRINA IRISER

AMONG THESE PAGES FOOD & FEATURES SPIRITS

CREATE

Karen Lum

You are your community

Selena Garefino

The evolve method

10 CINNAMON STREUSEL COFFEE CAKE

A Sunday morning favorite

CHICKEN TORTILLA SOUP

A simple one-pot soup

18 WATERCOLOR 101

Color theory

BARN QUILT

Step-by-step cross stitch

7 LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

LIFE

FORGET-ME-NOT

64 HUMAN HORTICULTURE

A guide to healing horticulture

CALLING TO THE WILD

Cultivating bravery

MEMORIAL

THE UNTITLED VERSION

Searching for metamorphosis

IN MINDFUL MOTION

Cultivating mindfulness

34 PUBLISHING UNDER THE BIG SKY

Open Country Press

VIGNETTES

NOTEBOOK LOCAL

22 THE HEROES JOURNEY IS IN OUR DNA

Sarah Harding

WATERWAYS

Caitlin Mallery

THE TREES

Emily Adamiak

FOR HAMLET DAYS

Morgan Holcomb

A WHISPER

Elisheba Bagrow

montana woman

OWNER & EDITOR megan crawford

Montana Woman is a platform. It’s a place to celebrate our achievements, a place to support each other, a place to acknowledge the resilience of the women of this state. It doesn’t necessarily matter where you’re from, you’re here now. In all of your loudness, your boldness, your fearlessness— you are here. We’re here, together. We publish a statewide magazine every other month that features women across Montana— the movers and shakers, the go-getters, the rule-breakers, the risk-takers. We all have a story to tell.

CREATIVE DIRECTOR megan crawford BUSINESS MANAGER carrie crawford

Montana Woman Magazine as you know it began in October 2019. Right out of the gate with photographer Alexis Pike as the first cover feature— clad in fringe pants and a motorcycle helmet in a Bozeman alleyway— we’ve always been authentically ourselves. We believe in showing up as you are. You don’t need to change who you are to have a seat at the table. No matter your age, your identity, your hometown, you are welcome here. We believe in creating a publication that’s worth reading because we have stories worth telling.

ADVERTISING carrie crawford kelsey merritt megan crawford PHOTOGRAPHERS megan crawford jesslyn marie chloe nostrant kelsey merritt

BACK COVER

megan crawford MEMORIAL

SALISH, TSÉSTHO’E, & APSAALOOKÉ L ANDS back cover prints are avail able at

EDITING DEPARTMENT megan crawford kelsey merritt emily adamiak

montanawoman . com / shop

PUBLIC RELATIONS carrie crawford kelsey merritt

ADVERTISING, DISTRIBUTION, & SUBMISSIONS

Contact the editor at info@montanawoman.com or (406)260-1299. Submissions are not accepted through the phone, postal service, or social media.

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LETTER from the

EDITOR

Air hangs with sweet vernal grass, the Willow’s hair tangles on the wind, springsongs carry from Meadowlarks and Warblers and Waxwings; Bumblebees hum above, Otters slide down muddy banks to the river below. It’s always a perfect mix of sunny and warm— the kind of sunlight you stretch out under, the kind you can feel through your eyelids. I think the best part, though, is that you’re surrounded by the whole ecosystem, from the smallest pebble to the tallest tamaracks. The field benefits from a little bit of everything, as do we. I’d like to be a field of wildflowers because of the wholeness of it all. You are among. You are part of a reciprocal environment. What is given is shared, what is shared is returned, what is returned is shared again. (of course, you do not have to be a wildflower field for any of this to happen now, it’s just a welcome visual to have in a Montana winter as I write this)

But cultivating wildflowers is more than spreading seeds. There’s the growth from last year, working under snow, helping the soil. Burn scars from years past, fresh spring rain, the transport of wind, the gift of sun— a wildflower does not grow on its own. Neither do we. A wildflower, wherever it may grow— be it the woods or the high desert or a crack in the pavement— is a wondrous being. It has grown among. Through wind and weather, through asphalt, in between places you’d least expect— it has grown with, despite, because. A driveway dandelion is a heroic feat, aided by the deep soil below, undeterred by stone and sand of the inky pitch determined to smother any life that may exist beneath. Every flower is remarkable in its own right. Hold on to that; keep it in the pocket of your favorite coat. And remember— as the flowers are, so are you.

C ON TRI B UTO R S 8

sydney munteanu

chloe nostrant

stephanie mosbrucker

kelsey merritt

lauren wilcox

sarah harding

mindy cochran

morgan marks

nicole dunn

meagan schmoll

autumn toennis

caitlin mallery

barbara fraser

emily adamiak

gabrielle pelchen

morgan holcomb

elisheba bagrow

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Behind the cover

COVER MUSE

karen lum PHOTOGRAPHER

serena gossack LOCATION

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read about karen lum on page 44 9

| FOOD & SPIRITS

cinnamon streusel coffee cake by Lauren Wilcox

OVEN TEMP: 350ºF

BAKE TIME: 40-45 MINUTES

ingredients FOR THE COFFEE CAKE 2 cups all-purpose flour ¼ cup corn starch 1 tsp baking powder 3 eggs

1 cup sour cream or plain greek yogurt ½ cup brown sugar ½ cup granulated sugar ½ tsp salt 2 tsp vanilla extract

FOR THE CINNAMON FILLING

FOR THE STREUSEL TOPPING

½ cup all-purpose flour ½ cup brown sugar 2 tsp cinnamon

½ cup brown sugar ½ cup butter (melted) 2 tsp cinnamon 1 cup all-purpose flour

method CINNAMON FILLING: In a small bowl, combine sugar, flour, and cinnamon. Mix until fully combined and set aside. STREUSEL TOPPING: In a small bowl, combine melted butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon. Mix until fully combined. In ¼ cup increments, add the flour, thoroughly mixing it into the cinnamon-sugar mixture. With the last ¼ cup you add, you should have a thick consistency that you can break up into a medium crumb mixture. Set aside. COFFEE CAKE: Prepare an 8×8 square pan with parchment paper & preheat your oven to 350°F. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, corn starch, salt, and baking powder. Set aside. In a large bowl, or the bowl of a stand mixer, add the eggs, sour cream, brown sugar, and granulated sugar. Once well combined, add the vanilla extract. In three batches, add the flour mixture and fully combine before adding more. This should produce a thick batter. In your prepared 8×8 square pan, pour half of the batter into it, and spread evenly. Pour all of your cinnamon filling on top and evenly distribute it over the batter. Pour the remaining batter on top of the cinnamon filling and evenly distribute it. Take your crumbled-up streusel topping and evenly sprinkle it on top of the batter. Bake in the oven at 350°F for 45-50 minutes.

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— Crock Pot —

chicken tortilla soup

| FOOD & SPIRITS

crock pot chicken tortilla soup by Megan & Carrie Crawford

CROCK POT, HIGH HEAT

TIME: 3-4 HOURS

for low heat, cook 4-5 hours

ingredients 2 chicken breasts 15oz can of corn 15oz can of black beans (rinse & drain) 2 14.5oz cans of chicken broth 2 16oz tubs of fresh salsa 4oz can of green chiles 1/2 medium white onion, diced 3-4 cloves garlic, minced

1 teaspoon paprika 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin 1 teaspoon kosher salt 1/2 teaspoon black pepper crushed tortilla chips grated cheese sour cream avocado

method Combine corn, beans, salsa, chiles, onion, garlic, paprika, cumin, salt, and pepper in your crock pot. Add chicken broth and stir, then add the chicken. Cover and cook on high for 3-4 hours. Using two forks, shred the chicken. Once the soup is ready, ladle it into bowls and top with grated cheese, sour cream, crushed tortilla chips, and fresh avocado slices.

watercolor 101

color theory

here are building blocks that span across art practices and mediums: form, depth, framing, and so on. The foundation of those techniques, though, is color theory. Color theory is the cornerstone of a lot of things in art. It gives you color temperature and grading in film & photography, depth in painting, psychology in design. Since watercolor tutorials are now a mainstay in the magazine, I figured we should start at the beginning. Start with the ideas and techniques you’ll use in every painting, and also give me an excuse to mindlessly paint satisfying swatches (a practice I would highly recommend to anyone).

There are a number of ways to break down color theory, but I’m going to keep it simple and practical and focus on application. Sure the theories and concepts are important, but I want to get ya painting! I’ll mainly focus on warm versus cool and how that translates to highlight and shadow in painting, and how color can add contrast. To start: there are warm colors and cool colors. Red, orange, and yellow are warm; green, blue, and purple are cool. Mixing these together gets you things like cool reds (magenta) and warm blues (cyan). I know it seems trivial to break things back to Roy G. Biv, but being able to differentiate warm versus cool is helpful!

| CREATE

Let’s say you’re painting a landscape— a mountain at sunset. You could totally use black paint to create shadows. But black paint can be kinda flat. You can add more water to make a transparent grey, or you can use more pigment to make an opaque, flat black. But the world doesn’t really look like that, right? No shadow is purely shades of black— they usually look blue. And when sun hits a mountain, it’s not just white light. It’s golden yellow-orange, maybe even pink and lilac if the alpenglow is especially nice. This is where values of warm and cool are important! The easiest way to add some oomph to your painting is with color-value highlights and shadows. Where light hits, use yellows and oranges. Where light recedes, use blues and purples. We’ll use some mountains from our friends from the south as an example. When you break it down to just color, highlights are orange and shadows are blue— warm and cool and opposite colors. Light and dark create contrast, but so do opposite colors. You can see where the ridgelines stand out and where they recede. The Tetons aren’t a flat set of mountains like a cardboard cutout— depth is both vertical and horizontal. So, as mountains recede into the background, the colors get lighter. Thanks to distance and atmosphere, things that are far away appear lighter than what’s right in front of you. This is a great way to create depth in a way that isn’t just scale. Now, the Tetons are a lot to tackle for a painting. We’ll get to mountains eventually! But for now, an easy way to exercise color theory is with simple shapes (I personally like leaves). You can start with a light green stroke and add color from there, or you can work from highlight to shadow, warm to cool.

IMAGE BY ANDREEA CHIDU

| CREATE

the heroes journey is in our DNA

IMAGES BY NOAH BUSCHER & KARSTEN WINEGEART

by Sarah Harding

| VIGNETTE

The well went dry so for three months they carried water from the crick to keep the livestock, garden, and family alive There are climate scientists saying, it's over we failed, we are doomed— Just try to enjoy the life you have left. We have tipped beyond hope. they are not hauling water Isn't that what always happens in the stories we love best? All hope is lost for the town Zero chance of survival for the soldier Give up the homestead, cowboy Just go and make your peace, the king advises We tell these epics to our children though we are all small unlikely reluctant flawed hydrated We introduce the darlings to someone who, despite the world endures determined to overcome selfless shining with effort thirsty The story can be over even before the whole village believes in the threat There are climate scientists saying, it's over the water's gone— I say Fight anyway

| CREATE

BARN QUILT a cross stitch pattern inspired by folk art MADE BY MEGAN CRAWFORD

thread list

3779 (ultra very light terra cotta) 22 (alizarin) 3776 (light mahogany) 783 (medium topaz) 580 (dark moss green)

supplies ⩕ Embroidery hoop (6˝ for 18-count cloth, 7˝ for 14-count cloth) ⩕ Aida (18 count was used in the original pattern, but you can use what you prefer) ⩕ DMC embroidery floss, one skein per color ⩕ Scissors ⩕ Embroidery needle ⩕ Optional: felt for backing

936 (very dark avocado green) 930 (dark antique blue) 807 (peacock blue)

stitch guide For those of you who’ve been reading the magazine for a while, cross stitch patterns are a familiar sight. I designed the first cross stitch pattern for Issue 5 (March/April 2020) and continued making patterns since we were all at home and taking up hobbies. The pattern for Issue 13 ( July/August 2021) switched to embroidery when I realized that I did not have the time to do a full-coverage cross stitch, and so began the embroidery patterns.

commonly 14, 12, 16, and 18 (there are other sizes, but we’re setting them aside for now). 14-count is a good starting point for beginners or if you want to work with a larger, easier-to-see grid. I started out with 14-count and made the jump to 18-count due to scale— since 14-count has a larger grid, you will have a larger finished piece and use more thread. 18-count creates a tighter, more seamless finish, but it can be tricky to work with due to the smaller size.

I personally jump between the two practices and enjoy both for entirely different reasons— cross stitch is gridded, methodical, repetitive; embroidery is free-form and more open to interpretation. But, with four embroidery patterns in a row (and several personal embroidery projects in the works), I wanted to go back to my fiber arts roots. And since we’re jumping back in, I figured I’d make a deepdive set of instructions. All of this will be familiar if you’ve done cross stitch before, but if you’re totally new to the craft, welcome!

14-count Aida: 14 stitches per inch | 18-count Aida: 18 stitches per inch

Cross stitch lends itself to repetitive, geometric patterns since the cloth itself is a grid. The fabric used for cross stitch, Aida, is an open-weave, slightly stiff material. Aida comes in several sizes, most

Always cut your fabric larger than you need— I usually give myself about 2” on each side, depending on the size of the piece. This gives you some wiggle room if you don’t have the pattern centered on the fabric and need to adjust your final hoop or frame. Aida also tends to fray since it’s woven, so it’s good to allow room for that to happen (you can surge or tape the edges of your fabric to prevent this, but I always just go for it). Once your fabric is in your hoop, make sure it’s taught like a drum. This gives you even tension, which results in more consistent stitches. You should be able to tap a pencil on the fabric and have it bounce back.

Now, your thread: I personally use DMC for all of my patterns, since it’s consistent and doesn’t tangle and bunch like other threads tend to do. A skein of embroidery thread (often called floss) has six individual strands wound together. These six strands can be separated— cross stitch is significantly easier if you split your thread. As a rule of thumb, I always work with two pieces of thread (so each length of floss you use can be broken down into three groups of two threads). I typically work with a forearm’s length of thread— any longer and you risk tangling. Thread the floss through the eye of your needle (you do not need a sharp needle for cross stitch since the fabric is woven). Knot the end that’s farthest from the needle— this will keep the thread from running back through the cloth. You can start a new length of thread without a knot, but this is a good way for beginners to start.

stitched with two threads, both the same amount of stitches, and both scans are 2”x2”. As you can see, the 14-count creates a larger design, and it has some gaps between stitches. This can be resolved by using more than two threads when working with 14-count, but I wouldn’t work with more than three threads at a time. I did not know this when I finished my first piece, and I struggled with getting all six bits of thread through the cloth without constant bunching and tangling. Chances are— especially with this pattern— the back of your piece will be messy. That’s completely okay! Some stitchers are great at keeping tidy, clean backs, and I am not one of them. You’ll probably either keep this piece in the hoop or put it in a frame, and no one but you will see the back. Besides, it’s a maker’s mark. No two backs will ever look alike.

start stitch: / / / / / | second stitch: \ \ \ \ \ | finished stitch: X X X X X

You can make this pattern exactly how you want. Follow the colors as they are, replace all of them, stitch on whatever fabric you want, leave the finished piece in a hoop, turn it and frame it square— the fabric is yours. Enjoy the process of making something with your hands and celebrate each finish. Don’t worry if you “messed up.” Every piece I’ve ever made has mistakes, and I’m usually the only one who can find them. Allow yourself to make because you want to!

I stitched two small samplers for this pattern— one 14-count and one 18-count. They’re both

MAY YOUR THREADS STAY EVEN AND YOUR NEEDLES NOT BE LOST.

Keep all of your stitches going in the same direction for the cleanest finish. I personally do my starting stitches like a forward slash— / / / / / You don’t have to complete each stitch as you go— you can do a section of starting stitches and come back in with the final cross stitch.

CREATE |

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find this pattern at

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MONTANAWOMAN.COM/ SHOP/CROSS-STITCH-17

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83 1

supplies + specs

⩕ DMC embroidery floss, 1 skein per color ⩕ use 2 threads for stitches ⩕ 18 count Aida (14 count will make a 57/8˝ × 57/8˝ piece) ⩕ 6˝ embroidery hoop (7˝ if you use 14 count cloth) ⩕ needle & scissors ⩕ 83 stitches wide × 83 stitches high ⩕ 45/8˝ × 45/8˝ finish size on 18 count cloth

thread list 3779

580

936

3776

930

783

807

barn quilt color correct - Page 2

get stitchin'

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VIGNETTE |

WaTerWays

IMAGE BY MEGAN CRAWFORD

BY CAITLIN MALLERY

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LOCAL |

PUBLISHING UNDER THE BIG SKY BY AUTUMN TOENNIS

2017, I was three years out of college with an English degree and working at the Bureau of Land Management while trying to orchestrate a career shift into publishing. I knew I couldn’t make the expensive jump to NYC without any relevant experience on my resume, so that summer, I began reaching out to as many small presses in Montana and the surrounding states as I could— the digital age version of a cold call. Each email was sent with the subject line: “Opportunity” as though the proposition of myself as an employee at their company would be mutually beneficial. Each one read:

from the early 90s, and one wall is mostly books. “And my daughters’ first pair of shoes. And my dog Jack’s ashes. And I do have a wine rack with my French wine collection here as well,” Natalie laughs. When we connected, OCP was a little over a year old, having grown out of a reading series that she and another poet put together during their MFA’s at the University of Montana. It was this idea that led to becoming a full-fledged independent publisher. “We wanted to see newer voices,” she said, “because we knew so many poets that were doing dynamic and challenging work, and we wanted to interact with those people.”

“Dear so-and-so, I’m writing to inquire about any internships or jobs that your press may be offering? I am extremely passionate about books and publishing, and am looking to gain more experience in this field.”

OCP’s first book, Verde Que Te Quiero Verde: Poems after Federico Garcia Lorca, was published in late 2016. “I had the idea to do a book of poems about the Spanish poet Garcia Lorca,” Natalie said. “It was my first attempt, and I made a lot of mistakes, but in the end it is a good little anthology.” The small anthology would lead to a much larger one of collected poems, essays, and stories called Bright Bones, which was the work in progress that she ultimately brought me on to help with.

I went weeks with zero responses, until Natalie’s answer popped into my inbox with the yes I had been hoping for: Do you have some time to chat about this? Natalie Peeterse is the creator, publisher, and Editorin-Chief of Open Country Press (OCP), a small publishing outfit in Helena, MT, whose mission is to “publish high quality and dynamic literary books by writers with a connection to Montana.” The official offices of the press are in the basement of her home— three of the walls have flowered wallpaper 34

NATALIE PEETERSE

Open Country Press

The nature of a small press means that everyone has their hands in everything, be it marketing, editing, or design— it gave me the chance to explore fields in publishing that may have otherwise been closed to me as a learner at larger companies.

And as a lover of poetry, my work with Natalie has been some of the most rewarding I’ve ever experienced. While prose has a place, poetry is what lies at the heart of OCP. Each year, the press holds an annual poetry chapbook contest and has published winners both nationally and internationally, from the East Coast to Singapore. And the judges are nothing to laugh about; this year’s was M.L. Smoker, the co-poet laureate of Montana. Peeterse (herself a poet and author of two collections) sees the trends of a culture’s growth and change within poems. “I am a poet and went to school for poetry,” she explained. “I don’t really feel like I know enough to assess other genres with any depth. I love that in many other countries, poets are given a status they aren’t here— they are considered an important voice, and sometimes a bellwether. For me, poetry is about expressing something one can’t any other way— sort of making a new meaning between the words, and with the power of the words, together.”

If you have an interest in submitting to OCP’s chapbook prize, the contest is open from June 1st to October 1st every year. To find out more about OCP or support the array of writers they publish, visit opencountrypress.org, or find them on Instagram @opencountrypress

AUTUMN TOENNIS is a writer and artist from Miles City, Montana. She graduated in 2014 with a degree in English Writing from Montana State University Bozeman, and has spent her time since then following words around the country and the world. In 2019, she moved to New York City to pursue a career in publishing, and continues to work remotely for Open Country Press, a small, independently-run Montana press. She currently lives in Brooklyn with her husband and a small windowsill orchard. You can follow her on Instagram @autumn_toennis, or find her at her Etsy shop, AutumnMarieArt.

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see the art & make the art at the square a contemporary art museum

The Paris Gibson Square Museum of Art (The Square) in Great Falls, Montana has been exhibiting art, teaching art and supporting the development of contemporary art and artists since 1977. Housed in the historic Great Falls school built in 1896 by Paris Gibson, the founder of Great Falls. The Square is known for its exceptional rotating exhibitions showing local, regional and national contemporary artists, in addition to its outdoor sculpture garden and educational gallery programing. The museum offers outstanding onsite studio classes to the community in ceramics, printmaking, painting, drawing and more!

PARIS GIBSON SQUARE MUSEUM OF ART

1400 First Avenue North Great Falls, MT 59401 (406)727-8255 www.the-square.org www.facebook.com/PGSMOA/

HOURS OF OPERATION

Open Monday-Friday 10am to 5pm, including Tuesday Evenings 5-9pm, and Saturday Noon to 5pm. Closed Sundays and Select Holidays.

free admission!

Exhibitions presented by Paris Gibson Square Museum of Art are supported in part by the Montana Arts Council, a state agency funded by the State of Montana and the National Endowment for the Arts. Additional funding is provided by museum members and the citizens of Cascade County, and generous support from Montana Federal Credit Union and D.A. Davidson.

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| VIGNETTE

the trees

IMAGE BY DAN MEYERS

by Emily Adamiak

She told me once that death is not permanent. It is not forever, not really. “Flowers bloom, wither, and move on. So too shall we,” she sighed, her hand trailing down my arm in search of the clasp of my hand. Fingers intertwined, her insistent squeeze brought light to my eyes. We laughed. We smiled. She continued on. “Look at the trees. See how they thrive just by breathing, sharing air with all that surround them. The joy they bring spans years, generations.” She looked down at her hands, fully encompassing mine, softly admiring and critiquing the veins she found there. Weaving, drifting, they crackle with life long lived, storylines of a century’s long balance of life, light, laughter. “I think I will return as a tree, when my time comes.” Crinkles at the corners of her eyes, lips parted in a grin as she lifted my chin in a gentle chuck. A quick flash of long past memory ghosted behind molten chocolate irises. “Why?” Mischief personified, her words alighted on a chuckle, “Whyever not? The trees listen; they hear your sorrows and they share their wisdom in kind. Hear their whispers on the breeze. Feel their friendship in the whistling of the leaves. We all begin as one; it’s fate’s fickle fingers that tear us apart and point which way. Who am I to question the knowledge of an oak, the strength of an elm? “Come.” Invitation, not command.

Strides, long and ambling, short and meticulous, delivered us to the wizened liquid amber standing firm amongst the sultry breeze. Her hands left mine, found the threadbare swing clutching desperately to its old friend’s extended limb, veins once again on prominent display. Those veins, so like the rings of her beloved trees, marking millennia, hardships and mirth. Storytelling. Her hand continued migration of its own accord, finding balance firmly placed on the bark of her beloved friend. “I would know nothing in this life if I turned my ear from this fellow.” Matching sighs of contentment and resignation brimmed from twin chests. I couldn’t discern where mine ended and hers began. Quickly, two hands rested on the floral armor. Dual gazes lifted at the murmuring above our heads. “He knows. Sooner rather than later, I will be amongst them—” a sharp tut at my forced inhale— “Do not despair. Time is short; I have had more than my share. I shall steal more. It’s only right.” She nodded to herself, her granddaughter’s presence lost in the magnificence of the leaves. “But— ” An eyebrow and mouth corner turned up in unison at the continued, distrustful questioning. Hands once again intertwined, fervent pressure leaving invisible ridges amongst wooden knots and gnarls. “Listen to your blood; feel that jolt. That will be us, my love. That will be our language when words no longer translate. “Life is about setting roots, digging deep inside legacy and soul and soil. Remember that, and when we leave, it will never be forever.”

| FEATURE

KAREN LUM:

you are your community Story by Sydney Munteanu Images by Serena Gossack

“The people who know me know that I believe you cannot separate your personal wellbeing from the professional part of your life. You will always get both.”

you’ve ever been a part of one of Karen Lum’s monthly “Huddles,” the free business Zoom sessions she hosts on Monday mornings, or if you’ve been lucky enough to partake in one of her workshops, then you’d agree. Karen will share personal stories and be just as open about what’s going on in her life, even within the context of business. You get all of her. And that’s both remarkable and refreshing in a world where we as women often wear so many masks. Karen Lum is a powerhouse of spirit. In my experience, she brings a pop of energy wherever she goes— even on a Zoom call. I was trying to come up with a way to describe Karen’s vibe and honestly, the image that kept popping up in mind was that of a spicy margarita. And I’m totally laughing about this, but it’s true! Karen’s energy is the kind you drink a little too fast because it’s just that good. Refreshing, exciting, and it perfectly hits the spot. Spicy margarita-type Karen is the presence I’ve most experienced. But on the day we met to chat, I wasn’t sure if that was exactly what I was going to get. I knew she had just come home from 12 weeks unexpectedly spent in California taking care of her mom. Karen and her sister had become the primary caretakers after their mom experienced a massive

cerebellum stroke. We would get to that part, I was sure. But how do you kick off a conversation with such a giant elephant in the room? Karen showed up kind and maybe a little somber, but very open. Curious. I was curious too where this would go. “I just got home two days ago, and it feels so good to be back,” Karen started. “On my urgent flight out to California, I was preparing to never hear my mom’s voice again. She had a brain bleed for six hours. But she woke up.” It looks like we were going to just jump right in, because that’s where Karen was. “My mom is a big part of my life. It was one of those completely, out of the blue, we never-saw-it-coming moments where life reminds you how precious it is. On September 13th, my mom experienced a massive stroke, and my life has taken a wild turn since that day. We were told to catch the first flight out and prepare to say goodbye to her. But by all sorts of miracles, she is here and is deep in recovery with her daughters by her side.” Karen continued, “The story and the fear I catch myself thinking is that I’m sacrificing my business. But in reality, my clients have been so kind and patient. I’m really

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grateful for how accommodating everyone has been. But right now, I’m excited to be home and getting back into work for a little bit.” There she was. Unabashedly telling me that while she’s so focused on her mom and supporting her recovery, she’s also very excited to be selfish in doing her own life and schedule for a minute. A welcome break before she goes back to California again. Showing, by sharing, that both feelings are totally okay. “There have been a lot of moments when I worry about my business.” Karen shares, “I am the main income provider in my household, and I also believe that we have to nurture our businesses to keep them thriving. But at the same time, these last several months have taught me if we’ve done good work, we have a foundation of people who will still be there. A community. It’s really about trusting that what you’ve built can endure. To really just show up where you are.” As one of Montana’s top business coaches, I had originally thought to speak to Karen for a feature

in Montana Woman’s January issue. Her advice, seemingly, might land well in the spirit of the new year and provide inspiring advice for all of us. But like so many things in life, timing has a funny way of showing us how it’s really meant to go. Sometimes overnight, as in Karen’s case, our world turns, or we read a line that resonates so deeply, or a message comes to us and serves us in ways we cannot predict. While our conversation did very much center around work, which I’m excited to share within the rest of this piece, the responding advice Karen gives to her clients is so much about meeting yourself where you are. She encourages individuals to work within your life and your dreams, as they are today. Showing up with all the aspects of yourself and how you are feeling in your current moment in time. “I want you to rate, on a scale of one to four, how much emergent energy you are feeling right now.” Karen prompts in one of her recent Monday Huddles. A capacity check-in, she calls it. And goes on, “And now rate, on the same scale, how has the pace of your days been lately?” This is not an exercise to churn out more productivity. No, it’s about getting everyone to check in with where they 47

are and what they are actually feeling moved to do with their current state of energy. Especially on the days that feel like a one. Karen wasn’t always clear in wanting to become a business coach. It was something that drew her in over many life paths and through time. And mostly through working on teams and focusing on human experience in business culture. As a former dancer, Karen opened up a studio in Ennis in 2001 after moving there from Seattle to live near her future husband. She wanted to create something fun and expose the community to dance and movement. And she needed something fun with this life transition to a small town, coupled with getting laid off from a job working as a corporate trainer in the wake of 9/11. Ironically, it would be one of her tap dancing students that gave her a connection a few years later, bringing her into the hospitality industry and ultimately giving her the catapult to launch her own business.

the dynamics between people and relationships. “I love helping people make the connection between great customer service and internal culture and business success,” she says. “It’s all ultimately rooted in human experience.” Group facilitation is now a main focus of Karen’s work. As is holding space and support for people to pursue their dreams. Isn’t that what community is all about at the end of the day? “There is some purpose fulfilled for me in being that [community] for someone else. Sometimes being in community starts with just one person who has the capacity to be available for someone else,” Karen explains. “So I think that’s the crux of my coaching work. I want people to feel less alone in their professional journey. I want to normalize that feeling of: Am I the only one? I want people to experience someone being their champion. And frankly, I want to normalize the messy middle.”

“We cannot possibly know what’s around the bend. And yet, I’ve realized, we uncover our strength and potential from the mountains we climb.”

“I started K.Lum Consulting after almost a decade as an executive leader for the newly developed Moonlight Basin Resort,” Karen explains. “I was part of a start-up business doing huge things with a massive vision and working for an owner who hired young people and who encouraged thinking differently. We were designing unique, highend experiences in a stunning place, and that was amazing. Then we went from the high of growth and success to the very low of taking on a loan from Lehman Brothers during the 2008 recession. I ran a large team, and for 9 months straight I didn’t know if myself or my team would have a job each day when we went to work. And yet, it was in that very uncomfortable situation where I learned more about business and leadership. About people’s emotional dynamics. I would not be here without that experience.” Karen shares, however, that she has always had a deep interest in group facilitation and understanding 48

Community is certainly a big part of what I recognize in Karen’s work. I think, at first, it’s something you don’t quite understand. Something shiny that draws you in and perhaps gets you to sign up for a Huddle in the first place. But once you’re there and have had a taste of the experience, it’s seeing other entrepreneurs and creatives who are there for the same reasons as you. I’ve come to understand that this is Karen’s gift. That of making community very real. “Although community can look many different ways. In my experience,” Karen states, “I believe that it serves everyone to have community. Being a “connector” or champion for community is one of those tools in my toolkit I pull out when I notice someone is feeling isolated. Or they need a resource.” “We cannot possibly know what’s around the bend. And yet, I’ve realized, we uncover our strength and potential from the mountains we climb.”

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When Karen began K.Lum Consulting in 2013, it was a slow and deliberate start. In part because she knew it needed to be. After so many years working for corporate cultures that left much to be desired, moving forward and creating something new would have to be built deliberately. “One thing I work really hard at, in anything I create, is bringing authenticity. In particular to the business world. That piece is super intentional for me, and it was harder to do early in my career. I was often the youngest person in the company who took on a really important position. I was always an overachiever. I’ve always had a strong EQ (so I could get myself those positions I was, at first, underqualified for.) I was typically the only woman on the team or one of the few who were surrounded by men pretty much my entire career,” Karen explains. “So to that end, I spent a lot of my career navigating how everyone else wanted me to show up or expected me to show up.”

emotionally and in your body.” Karen explains, “I often am just holding the mirror up for my clients. Ultimately, we learn the most about ourselves in relation to others. I build relationships with everyone I work with, and through them, I learn about myself too. Everyone I work with is also a mirror to me.” ‘I feel like going to you is business therapy.’ Karen admits she hears that a lot. “I think it’s because I’m not afraid of hard topics. Or, I’m not afraid of crossing over into personal topics. Because what we contribute to this world has to come from all parts of us.”

“I have no desire to be one or two dimensional. It is my joy in life to have all these different aspects of me, and have room for all of them.”

Karen reflects, “It was exhausting. And at one point, it was absolutely a contributing factor to the demise of my relationship. I was obsessed with being appreciated and included ‘at the table’ in business. And the truth is, on several occasions, it was futile. Because in those particular environments I was in, it was never going to happen as I envisioned. There was so much posturing and business politics. There was nothing I was going to do that was going to change it. That is when I realized how powerful leadership can be. Leaders set the tone for business culture. And that is the piece I want to work with people to improve and normalize in business: showing up authentically.” “Anyone who works with me knows that I believe one of the superpowers we can cultivate is selfawareness. Self-awareness requires some depth. It requires stillness. You have to be willing to see the things you don’t want to see. To ask how you feel

“I have no desire to be one or two dimensional. It is my joy in life to have all these different aspects of me, and have room for all of them.” “I’m hopeful that part of the impact I have is that I’m busting down some of the myths that perfect formulas exist for success in work and in our lives. We don’t have a lot of modeling in business for how to have authentic conversations. I think we’re posing a little bit in the spirit of being professional.” Karen explains, “It’s just what we’ve learned. It takes courage to not couch what we need to say and to trust that we’ll get a different response if we try something new.”

The anti-formula approach to business— and life— and what you really do is show up authentically, is something I’ve certainly gravitated to Karen for. I know I’m not the only one. Karen has a large and growing following (mostly women) who also find her message refreshing and real. They show up often. On her calls, at her in-person Bozeman events, and in her many interactive workshops. “We learn the most about ourselves in relation to others,” Karen reiterates. “I’m very fueled by community, and I’m a bit of an extrovert in getting my energy this way. So I suppose, I’m naturally 51

more energized and fulfilled when I’m learning from others. And frankly, I think I can make a bigger impact this way. I’ve experienced the benefits of community in so many ways, including helping me with some major transitions in my life. I don’t crave doing it all by myself.” Karen goes a little further: “Community is my support. We need it so deeply. I have a precious personal women’s group, for example— we go by ‘Sacred World.’ It’s a group of women who have been meeting for 9+ years. We talk about things you can’t talk about over coffee— we witness, acknowledge, and lift each other up through all the deepest challenges in our lives. I believe that we need more of that as women. To powerfully hold space for each other.”

well. What I want is for us to not question it. And I also don’t want our successes in this booming market to change how we’re doing business together, and life together for that matter. I think that threat is a very real risk. As the tensions around the job market, and cost of living, keeping employees, etc., rises, it’s a lot of pressure being added to a community that operates with a certain sense of values and a certain sense of community. We have to keep that. And somehow not subscribe to the myths that this ‘next evolution’ of who we are as women in Montana and in the business community needs to somehow forgo the connection, the sharing, and the lifting up of others. Even with these pressures that we’re feeling. And truly, isn’t that an interesting test? Can we hold onto these values and not let future scarcity or pressures impact the quality of our community?”

Where do we go from here as a community of women in Montana?

I walked away from our call feeling as if I got my lesson for the day in community:

“There are so many ways in which what we are already doing and cultivating is all that we need to do,” Karen answers. “I want our successes to not change that. At least in regards to a mentality of abundance. This is what we have to keep our eye on. It’s a booming market now, but what is the next evolution of who we are as a female business community? How can we hold on to this abundance mentality and move forward together in community?”

That how we show up in our life is what will create it.

“So many people who’ve newly moved here are reaching out and commenting, ‘Wow, there’s so much collaboration between women here versus the place I’ve come from.’ Community is already something we do

and branding strategist with a passion for storytelling. She grew up in Colorado and received her B.S. from the University of Colorado, Boulder and left in 2012 to pursue a marketing career in Los Angeles. After 5 years of city life, the call back to the mountains was too great and she found (and fell in love with) her new home in Whitefish, Montana. Sydney has a marketing consulting business working with food & beverage, wellness, and women’s brands. Connect and find her work at backlabelbranding.com

Karen Lum

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SYDNEY MUNTEANU is a communications

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Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? MARY OLIVER, " THE SUMMER DAY"

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SELENA GAREFINO

THE EVOLVE METHOD by Mindy Cochran Images by Rio Chantel

ach spring, as we celebrate Women’s History month, Montana Woman Magazine honors influential women of the past, present, and future. As a health and fitness columnist for the magazine, I am called to highlight women who are transforming the wellness landscape, both in Montana and beyond. This year, I am excited to turn the spotlight to Selena Garefino. Hailing from Whitefish, Montana, Selena is known locally for her impassioned yoga classes, and she offers her teachings worldwide with immersion trainings in Greece and Tuscany. Selena is the founder of The Evolve Method, which couples a functional mobility practice with ancient teachings for personal development to allow for a deeper practice both on and off the mat. A self-described “student-for-life,” Selena holds a Master’s degree in socio-cultural anthropology and is certified as a Pilates instructor and a Precision Nutrition coach. Selena has been teaching movement for 15 years and has been certifying new yoga teachers for five years. I am honored to share this interview and Selena’s passion with Montana Woman Magazine.

Can you tell me about your journey that brought you to yoga?

I started practicing yoga when I was 12 years old and doing ballet because I was already having spinal problems and back pain. I would come home from ballet practice and would be lying on the floor, crying. And everyone at the time was saying, “you should do yoga,” so I began a yoga practice to help my back. I think that that’s the doorway where most people enter into a yoga practice; they come in looking for the fitness or physical aspect. But I wish that people wouldn’t go right to [really challenging classes like] core power Vinyasa. I would rather they would find a little simpler space where they focus on connecting movement to breath. You can make a physiological change in under three minutes with breath, but it takes a long time for your body to change from just practicing asanas [yoga poses]. But, like many others, my early yoga journey was definitely trying to get good at the poses, and over time it made my back pain worse because yoga tends to overstretch the back body with no strengthening of the posterior chain. So, I don’t teach in the traditional way because even though the traditional poses may be

beautiful shapes, they don’t all make good anatomical sense.

Is that why you named your method The Evolve Method?

Yes, it’s because [when I started teaching], I would be like, “okay, this is what I teach.” But then when I would learn more, and then I would be like, “I can’t teach that anymore.” So, my answer to giving myself the freedom to learn and grow was to call my teaching method The Evolve Method. Also, my practice evolved beyond just using yoga for its physical benefits in my early twenties when I started grabbing ahold of the philosophical and personal development aspects of yoga. Once you start to get into the philosophy stuff around yoga, then yoga is no longer just trying to achieve a physical pose. It becomes a lot more emotional. You start to learn that yoga is mind science and that it’s the light of self-knowledge. So, The Evolve Method is more than a physical practice. The classes are rooted in functional mobility, yoga, Katonah Yoga, breathwork, and meditation, but it’s also about learning to better navigate every single area of your life.

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What would you tell women who want to delve more into self-improvement?

I am a personal development coach, and I see a lot of women setting obscene goals for themselves, like “I’m going to start exercising five days a week and I’m not going to eat sugar anymore.” And that’s unrealistic and unsustainable. But if you say, “I’m going to add a vegetable to one of my meals per day” (not what can you take away, but rather what can you add?), that’s much more realistic. I tell my students all the time, “You’re not a problem to be solved and you’re not a project to be completed.” Because we treat ourselves like problems and projects, and then it’s a shame cycle. And then we’re using something that we started for our wellbeing to abuse ourselves and to shame ourselves. So, I think a good place to start is to commit to unrolling a mat for even five

minutes a day and make promises to yourself that you can keep. I think with any wellness practice, it’s important to check your intention and motivation. Your self-work, your yoga, and your wellness have to come from a place of love. One of my teachers, Elena Brower, said to me once, “you’ll know you’re doing the right practices and techniques when what is bad for you no longer feels good.” Like if you don’t want to go smoke cigarettes because you don’t want it to mess with your run. Bad habits will start to fall away if you just focus on what you can add to your wellness routine.

You are teaching all over the world, but where can Montanans find you if they want to train with you?

I have daily classes at Mandala and Straight Blast Gym in Kalispell, but one of the 61

gifts of the pandemic is that it helped me get very proficient at offering my classes online. My international students can come right into the studio with us here in Montana. Before the pandemic, it never would have occurred to me that I could teach my students in Europe and Ireland together with my students in Montana; it’s so cool. So, anyone, anywhere who is interested in practicing with me can find out about my classes through my website selenagarefino.com

MINDY COCHRAN is the founder of Kalispell’s Levitation Nation Aerial Studio, where the catchphrase “fitness is fun” is embodied alongside a culture of movement & women empowerment. Mindy believes that “The Real Levitation Experience” lies within elevating your health & wellness. Mindy loves to share the expertise she has acquired through her certifications as a personal trainer and life coach. For more about Mindy or Levitation Nation, please visit levitationnation.org

SELENA GAREFINO

RIO CHANTEL

@Selenagarefino selenagarefino.com

@Riochantel riochantel.xyz

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a whisper By Elisheba Bagrow the heavy familiar, a sensation in the chest a storm brewing, will it water or destroy a seed planted, could be worry, could be joy I swirl within the growth, hoping a root takes place, one of strength, courage perhaps a flower, maybe a weed all in a judgment the storm subsides, a gentle patter. the thunder and I have become friends, thoughtful pauses between strikes

IMAGE BY ANNIE SPRATT

perhaps there will be a garden after all

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human horticulture By Gabrielle Pelchen

used to wish boyfriends came with labeled instructions like plants do: “Jakeacea likes direct sunlight and should be potted in crushed oreos. Keep his soil moist. Water 1x a week. Fertilize with affection.” I also used to joke that I myself should come wrapped in that tape that announces: “fragile handle with care” in repeating red letters.

IMAGE BY TARA WINSTEAD

When I was little, I left my window unlocked for Peter Pan to come and take me to Neverland. In my teens, I started praying for my future partner— that he was creating a life for himself that made him feel loved, proud, and nurtured. I believed he was out there, and I wanted him to be blessed. As an adult who started actually dating, I got my heart and emotional wellbeing put through a blender with one failed relationship after another. How do we go from fairytales to prayer to trainwrecks in the space of a decade? What seeds can be planted that prosper into the strong plants and roots of a healthy relationship? I understand that our upbringing, environment, culture, and own personal beliefs tend to sway the decisions we make in life. Parents, our classmates we crush on, our personalities, and the chemistry inside us— so much comes into play as we cultivate our lives as beings who desire connection and intimacy. Author Stephen Chbosky wrote: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I was familiar with the quote, but years later when I processed after my divorce, my heart deflated like a balloon landing on a cactus. Realizing that I wasn’t a victim in my relationships but was actually accepting them because I didn’t own or understand my worth was devastating. As much as I wanted to shove that truth to the back of my freezer to hide behind the forgotten Otter Pops of summer 1995, I couldn’t. I had to do something. Get help? Self-help books? Journal? What? Please don’t say meditate! My answer came from a brochure with vintage cartoon instructions telling me how to not die in a plane crash. Turns out, airline companies are onto something when they instruct you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others. Relationships are the same. You have to start with yourself. That being said, cultivating self-love is not pretty, easy, or fast.

IMAGE BY ANNIE SPRATT

In the great words of Westley: “Life is pain! Anyone who says otherwise is selling something!” Let’s accept that and keep going, shall we?

a guide to healing horticulture

When you do the things you love, you become a star in your solar system. They say that confidence is attractive. Can I add to that? Confidence plus happiness is attractive. My mom was the first to notice and she pointed it out to me. “When you’re happy, people notice. They’re drawn to you.” She was dead on. When I allowed myself to do things that brought me joy, it showed, and others noticed. Dropping shame and “shoulds” from your life is like unveiling a piece of art that had been covered in a dusty sheet for far too long. You always existed, in all your beauty and power, but you were covered and protected by a layer of something that wasn’t you. Warning: Shining in your authenticity can be a double-edged sword (especially when you’re fragile and still learning how to own yourself ). Admiration feels good. I was vulnerable and barely had any experience choosing my own happiness. The first signs of someone giving me approval or attention made my ego want to ditch the self-love train and ride the coattails of yet another person’s plan and script for me. Remind yourself: you deserve your own happiness. You do not exist to please others.

Change is scary as hell— your prison will welcome you back effortlessly. It can be hard to understand why people remain in abusive relationships, toxic environments, or any situation that seems obviously harmful to themselves. I can tell you why I stayed— it’s what I knew, understood, and thought I could “control.” In the end though, leaving turned out to be easier than I thought. It was the healing and pivoting toward a new life when the struggle got real! Welcoming a new environment of change was uncomfortable, foreign, empty, and seemed like a losing battle. I had been putting others first and myself down for so long that my psyche had no idea what to do. I found myself walking back into my “birdcage” of a life without even knowing it. My cage had a routine, I had a role, I could predict (or thought I could) how I would be abused, and I thought I knew how to survive if I just followed the rules. It felt safe because I knew the game. Healing and rebirth aren’t meant to be easy, though! Remind yourself every minute of the day to be gentle with yourself. Healthy love sits outside your comfort zone (for now), but you won’t have the courage to go there if you don’t give yourself grace. Fear of pain might have clipped your wings temporarily, but you were born to fly and be free.

Learn from the past, but don’t live in the past. I quickly began to see things from my childhood and upbringing that were dynamic factors of why I chose the behaviors, relationships, and self-beliefs I did. The past became a pool I dove into every day to swim laps in again and again. Inadvertently, I created yet another role for myself, one void of acceptance and self-love: “victimhood.” I was getting strokes from pinning blame on the wounds in my past so that I wouldn’t have to poke and prod them and feel how they hurt! It was so much easier to wallow in the imperfections of my childhood and let my psyche go back to chewing its favorite bone of anxiety and shame than it was for me to step into the perpetual unknown of what self-love felt like. Our pasts are legitimate. They shape us, they are valid, they play a huge part in our lives but! they are undeniably our history, not our present. To live in the now, you cant repeatedly pay rent to the past.

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Vulnerability is your new best friend “Put down your weapons! Resistance is futile! Surrender!” You think I’m joking, but I’m not. Every single, mother-loving-time I have stopped the futile struggling of trying to be perfect and not only let go, but also opened up, life not only got easier but made room for strength. When you surrender to your fear, pain, needs, and hopes, you shed the armor you’ve welded onto your body and give your psyche a chance to experience something new. When I was afraid of something as a kid, my mom would ask me to go to the deepest darkest place. “What is the worst thing that can happen?” and I would have to tell her. Then, we would look at the monster and ask, “If this happens, will your life be over?” Not once was the answer “yes.” Better yet, the worst thing I have thought up has never actually manifested in reality.

IMAGE BY THOM MILKOVIC

So, give vulnerability a chance. Prove your psyche wrong! Take the risk that help, love, and courage are yours to receive. Unclench your fists and step out with palms open.

Give yourself the validation you’ve been seeking from others There is something to be said about sharing a deep pain to another human being and having them be a witness. The wounded heart and mind find satisfaction when they feel validated by another person. We want to know that what we feel is permissible and warranted. In my experience of sharing to a family member, a best friend, and different counselors over the years, I have to admit that this validation from others is only temporary. There is also nothing stronger than giving yourself validation from trusting your own judgment. Unfortunately, I have found trusting myself to be one of the most difficult exercises in cultivating a relationship with myself. How could I possibly trust myself if I was the one who allowed myself to reside in negative experiences? This is where healing is never linear. Forgiving yourself for the choices you made with what you understood at the time is going to be an ongoing practice for the rest of your life. Give yourself the gift of believing in yourself— understanding your wounds were/are real. You do not need permission to grieve, be angry, feel betrayed, or be indescribably confused and sad. Allow all the feelings. They are yours, and you are feeling them for a reason. Trust them and follow them to where they lead. Stop waiting for someone else to give you what you already have inside you! You are the only validator you need.

There are probably countless patterns, steps, and directions we could all follow to cultivate better relationships. It is so easy to let “self-help” and the pursuit of happiness become an obsession and a brand new band-aid over our true purpose in life: being our beautiful selves. Our egos want nothing more than to follow a target that points out what we or others are doing wrong. To be distracted from our hearts through mind-numbing, labeling, finding fault with others, blaming, pointing the finger at the opposing side. As silly as it sounds, if we can learn to listen with the intent to understand (not respond), give grace more than judgment, look for the flowers instead of the shit (because there will always be shit), and learn to love in a society that would prefer to isolate, we might see a new tomorrow. But it means adhering to the airline safety rules. Put the oxygen on yourself first! If we want to cultivate good relationships, be it with a significant other, family member, workmate, or a different political party. Start with the most important and lasting relationship of all: yourself. Gabrielle Pelchen was born and raised in Montana. She currently lives in Whitefish with her partner, Stuart, their puppy Tuna, and a baby bump— due early March. Gabrielle has her bachelors in Psychology with hopes to earn a masters to pursue a counseling career. Among many things, she particularly loves to write and hopes to always find time and a way to connect and express through the art of words.

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CALLING TO THE W I L D cultivating bravery By Stephanie Mosbrucker

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MY TEENAGE YEARS took place in the

Bitterroot Valley of Montana during the 1990s— a favorite summertime activity was jumping oﬀ the steel bridge overlooking the Bitterroot River on the Woodside Cutoﬀ Road. This little strip of secondary highway took you through some wetlands and farmland to the small community of Corvallis. There was not much of a shoulder on this highway and on the bridge, even less. I remember jumping in my green 1975 Chevrolet Vega Wagon with my best friend (lovingly called Carbie Foundsister, I was called Chechany Lostbrother) to venture to this steel bridge oasis of grungy teenagers. The Cure, on cassette tape, blasting on my little purple boom box, for the Vega only had an 8-track and local radio stations— not up to par for our new wave alternative vibe. This particular day that comes to mind must have been in July. The best of the best! It was 90 degrees. We had Dr. Pepper in super slurp size, and we were trekking toward an amazing collection of “hippy dips” having a hippy dip in the Mighty Root.

IMAGE BY EMMA SMITH

Energy was high at the bridge as my BFF and I entered the dirt parking circle beneath the bridge. We were both so excited to have the day oﬀ together from our job as carhops at the local A&W. I remember looking up to see bald eagles circling and hearing the sound of my hippy dip crew mixed with the farm kids from the nearby town. I loved the sound of community getting along, especially when it felt like childhood, and it filled my heart with excitement. Carbie and I parked the Vega beneath the old-growth Cottonwood trees (the same trees my children and I later parked beneath) and gathered our towels, super slurps, and cool ranch Doritos. We were ready for the best day of the Summer! We made the short walk to the underside of the Corvallis bridge and staked claim on a little pile of granite boulders, our Montana beach. There was a group of guys at the top and center of the bridge above us. I looked up and saw that it was our hippy dip grunge posse; they called to us with the classic call that we used often. It was a mix of Pterodactyl dinosaur, crow, and rooster. You know, the common call of teenage renegades.

Carbie and I quickly scrambled up the side of the gravel terrain to hop over the guardrail to the outside edge of the highway. As we made our way to our guys, one of them hopped up on the rail and quickly did a backflip into the water below. The drop had to be at least 25 feet. My heart stopped beating as I waited for him to come to the surface. It seemed to take forever! Then, after what felt like 20 minutes, he rose to the surface, calling to us in that bird/ dinosaur call that I would still answer to today. He was safe, sound, and pumped full of adrenaline. He quickly swam to the edge and ran back to the top of the bridge. Dripping with water and the fishy scent of July river water, he enthusiastically encouraged us to “Friggin jump!” Carbie was the first to grab on to the courage. She delicately climbed the rail and with a breath, pause, and a bend of the knees, she leaped oﬀ the bridge, barely making a splash in the swirling water below. Again, after what seemed like an eternity, she popped up to the surface, whooped our hippy dip bird call that echoed throughout the great Bitterroot Valley, and scrambled to the edge of the river. Now the attention was to me…I placed my hands on the rail where I froze. I could faintly hear the encouraging banter of my friends— it sounded as if they were still underwater. I have no idea how long I was there; it could have been hours for all I know. I seemed to have left my body. I kept visualizing myself climbing and quickly jumping into the water below where I would (in my mind) be entangled in a pile of rusty barbed wire, just beneath the surface. Or… knock my head on the pillar to the left, or hit bottom and crack my skull wide open. I also visualized being hit by a car, bitten by a dog as a flatbed truck drove by, the dog having perfect jaw skills. I saw my body floating to the surface, the ambulance, the terror in the faces of my posse— I saw it all. These intrusive thoughts overtook me. I was frozen there in that 90-degree heat. I was unaware of those around me. It wasn’t until a very loud noise— the weird bird call that knocked me out of my frozen state— that I was able to jump…I felt my feet on the edge of the hot steel rail, I felt a warm breeze, slightly cooled by the river below, the scent of the fishy, stagnant wetland beyond, and the dust from the highway just a foot behind me. I felt the whoosh of hot air and the barking of a dog as a flatbed truck sailed by, and that’s when I took a deep breath, plugged my nose, bent my knees, and jumped. I was certain that damn dog was going to grab onto my face with its sharp teeth 74

and perfect jaw skills! Now all I needed to worry about was staying clear of the concrete pillar that was determined to knock me unconscious, avoid the barbed wire ball of torture, and try my damnedest to not hit the bottom of the river, avoiding the boulder attack on my cranium… Much to my adrenaline-fueled delight, I avoided every single scenario my overactive imagination had in place. I felt the cool Montana water, refreshing and slightly fishy, I felt alive and invigorated at having lived through the plunge, and I felt brave and ready to do it again—over and over and over again. You see, on that bridge, I cultivated fear, I cultivated imagination, I cultivated heightened senses, and I cultivated bravery. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t recommend anyone should actually prove their bravery by jumping oﬀ a damn bridge, but I do recommend cultivating bravery in life. I see this day in my mind, crystal clear from time to time, when I feel fear of trying new things creep up on me. Fear of change, fear of a broken heart, fear of joy, love, fear of relationships, fear of success. Fear of the grocery store— you know, normal fear. When I conjure up this memory— the refreshing splash of that cool, fishy water and then the rush of swimming to shore and the sharp rocks on my bare feet, and the smell of sunshine and cottonwood— I remember that everything is going to be okay and that fear and excitement come from the same place. Then, that familiar bubble of laughter that starts in the belly and rises all the way to the top as I release that ridiculous dinosaur-bird call at the top of my lungs, and I cultivate the feeling of bravery once again. The time is now, it is always now. STEPHANIE MOSBRUCKER is a lover of nature, ceremony, movement and adventure. She is the mother of four magical spirits, Writer, Ceremony Officiant, Yoga Instructor at Yoga Hive, and Retreat Leader. She was born in Montana with the spirit of a fairy, the mouth of a sailor and the heart of a hippie. She learned early in childhood that Mother Nature and expression with movement and words were three vital ingredients to a beautiful life. The ability to release tensions, aggressions, anxiety and fear while in nature is a tonic. She would like to share with all who walk into her path how to open their senses to all the magic that surrounds us in this beautiful state and to extend it into their life. Body, mind and spirit.

THE BRAVEST PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO DON’T MIND LOOKING LIKE COWARDS

IMAGE BY LUCAS LUDWIG

T.H. White

THE UNTITLED VERSION

searching for metamorphosis BY BARBARA FRASER

PART ONE / I have spent over one month thinking about the March/ April topic of this magazine. The suggested theme is Cultivate. Sometimes when I write, I find the story is much like a butterfly that glides gracefully from one flower to another in a way that looks random to an observer but makes perfect sense to the butterfly. At first, this theme spoke of a garden— a lovely place where I would talk of beautiful things, positive highlights, and the hard work that created them. But I also started to realize that my topic was more about the insidious weeds that permeated the fertile soil. I started plugging potential theories into place, and words started to find their way onto paper. I relaxed a bit more. My office is pretty organized— my notepads, not so much. Any piece of paper is fair game in my home. I have notes on the back of the organizer pad that is tucked into my nightstand; I often use the back of receipts I have saved “just in case,” spiral notebook pages that have their ripped edges hanging loosely, the back of envelopes that were once junk mail, and even the subscription flyers lying around that are waiting to be thrown into the trash bin prove to be pathetic substitutes for a lined notebook page. My aging brain knows by now that if my thought is not transferred immediately onto something permanent, it will fly out of reach like a bird flying off a branch. As the misfit papers pile up on the corner of my desk, I begin typing them into my laptop and feeling accomplished. I become excited and eager and confident that I am behaving in a writerly fashion. I am thrilled to be so on top of it. The thought occurs to me that I may not only finish on time, but actually submit it early and listen for the thud as my editor delightedly falls out of her chair. At this point in time, Christmas and my family arrive while I hear the “I Have Time” theme music playing quietly in the background.

| LIFE

PART TWO / My wonderful sons gave me carpet for Christmas. The back story is

that many years ago, my husband left town for nine days to tour the Pella Window Plant in Ohio. Upon his return, he discovered rolls of carpet stacked on a table in the backyard. Inside I had painstakingly sanded every square inch of the floors and painted them white. To have completed every detail to his anticipated expectation was going to be my “get out of jail free” card. He agreed it was better, but it was only meant to be temporary. I pulled up one more room and painted it within the year. Then, as usual, life got in the way and eventually his death created an even bigger presence. It was easier to paint my walls and adjust my home with little details. This year, my sweet sons decided that it was time for their mom to quit walking around on cold subfloor and rescued me from myself. This proved to be the perfect opportunity to continue clearing clutter from my life. At warp speed, things began to go into boxes, and I shuffled them into other rooms. I had found things like taco seasoning mix in my pantry that had expired in 2014. Normally not a big deal, but my thoughts immediately went to the fact that I had bought these items before my husband died, probably with my husband, and for five seconds I contemplated keeping them. I was very proud of myself when they went into the trash. From there, I just filtered through the rooms and was occasionally surprised at what I found. When my home is in transition, so am I. Life went on until the other day when I was having a conversation with a friend who said, “You remember the deadline for your article is tomorrow, right?” I had not, and my thoughts went into a tailspin like a dive-bomber during the war, and words escaped my mouth that I was taught as a child not to say. She laughed until I joined her. That night I slept poorly, scribbled pages, and gently pushed my growing feelings of disappointment into the corner. I have now set the stage for the cultivation of my life and arrived at the core subject of this article.

PART THREE / I have yet to overcome two big challenges in my life, and they prevent me from cultivating the richest life possible; they have both been stealthy and subtle.

The first is the habit of judgment. As I have mentioned before, I was raised with it. This created an infestation the likes of which makes simple removal impossible. I had hard-wired thought processes that could deal out judgment swiftly and place me back into my childhood immediately and without warning. I tried to remove these thoughts from my mind by graciously keeping my mouth shut despite still experiencing the razor-sharp accuracy when I judged myself. These dangerous wounds are often the deepest cuts. I had the happy, feel-good intention of being kinder to friends and strangers alike. My lack of total success caused me to dig deeper and to discover that it was time to be more selfish. I needed to quit worrying about anyone but myself. I realized that it was necessary to do this not as a noble offering or gesture to others, but as a gift I gave myself. I thought about how much energy I had spent judging the things I could do absolutely nothing about, and how it was quite honestly none of my bloody business. I thought of how comparing myself to others in the hopes of making myself feel better, smarter, slimmer, wiser, stronger, prettier, a better mom, a more perfect wife— only lasted for a moment. I also realized that when I piled moment on top of moment for a lifetime, I had actually robbed myself of all the incredible and beautiful moments I could have spent living a better life, a life that had been waiting patiently for my undivided attention. The second thing is procrastination. I can’t quite pinpoint when I decided that this habit somehow worked for me, or so I thought. I would guess it was around grade school. I got good grades with homework done at the last minute. Many chores and tasks were done when my mom became frustrated and potential punishment became imminent. The idea, the dream, the plan were often more fun than the work— but I do have some lovely stories of neglected projects. This habit hit its stride by adulthood. I work well under pressure and can even outdo myself when a sincere interest is involved. I had discovered that a tidy life was much less stressful for me, but this would have its ups and downs too. It may seem that these two things are just random examples in my life, but here is where my biggest challenge joins them together.

THE CULMINATION I never struggled with my weight, even through my first pregnancy. I was back into my pre-pregnancy clothing in months. A couple years later, my husband— boyfriend at the time— was naturally slim and in construction, burning at least 4,500+ calories a day. I had never seen a man eat so much food and stay so slim; it was a point of humor his entire life. I went from eating very healthy, riding a bike everywhere, and never snacking, to sitting behind a desk every day, driving in a truck, and snuggling on the couch each night in the throes of whatever junk he was eating. It was fun, delicious, and even rebellious. Is it any surprise I started packing on the pounds? My story is like many others, and I certainly don’t blame anyone for it. Here is where the previous two habits come into play. I judged myself and my body horrifically. I also procrastinated to the point where I found myself out of control. Starving myself and eating only one thousand calorie salad didn’t help me do anything but destroy my body’s perfect balance. Losing weight on paper is easy— eat only what you expend on a daily basis. If that were all there was to the story. The first time I lost the excess weight was because I was about to turn thirty. All of the women I knew told me that it was going to be awful to turn thirty. I was going to be old, no longer young and fun, and it would all go downhill from there. Though these concepts were unheard of, my immediate response was to find a solution. I decided that if it was going to be as awful as they said, my quick fix was to lose every excess pound on my body! I didn’t consider failure an option and daydreamed of how glorious my achievement and birthday would be. I made a plan. I decided that I would run two miles every evening with no exceptions regardless of inclement weather— I must express my humor at the thought that a west coast winter was considered inclement when now I have snow and ice and freezing slush, but let’s continue.

Danny was supportive, and to assure that there would be no guilt on my part for taking this time away from my family, I would cook a gourmet meal beforehand and run while they ate and cleaned up the kitchen. My music of choice was Wilson Phillips and only Wilson Phillips. To this day, I can probably still sing every word of the album. Each night I ran through the pain and slowly started feeling stronger. Sometimes I would create excuses: long day, horrendous traffic, kids needed clean clothes, grumpy kids, grumpy me, and with that moment of permission, I would pull on my workout clothes, lace up my running shoes, and make dinner. By the time Danny was home, I was out the door and singing with each pounding step! I refused to court failure. Years before, during basic training, I had made a decision that would serve me well, both then and many times over. On the first day, I watched people fall out of formation on a run. I somehow instinctively knew that if I gave myself permission to walk instead of run, my procrastinating heart would have removed a boundary and created an opportunity for failure. Running each night allowed me to see a difference that motivated me as my goal crept closer. One night it was late; I think there had been a school play. Danny suggested that one skipped night with my new success would be okay. As he watched me change my clothes, he realized he was watching a woman whose determination was growing stronger each evening and that no was not an option. I told him I was fine, grabbed a flashlight, and headed out the door. I was barely a block away when I moved over to let a car by. Instead, Danny pulled up alongside me and smiled. He said to keep running, and I ran in his headlights the whole two miles. So many of the battles we fight are won in our heads before we ever see the victory play out in our life. I succeeded! For my birthday he took me to Monterey for the weekend. The hotel was the first we would ever stay in and joyfully not the last. I got a whole new wardrobe thanks to our maxed-out Macy’s card. I celebrated a 30th birthday that is still one of my favorites. The weight would eventually return, especially when I had my last son. Years later, I lost it again and commemorated the event with our first and only photo Christmas card. After Danny died, I had a friend from high school who was getting re-married. I had people who hadn’t seen me since we graduated from high school, and it was time to succeed at something more than surviving grief. With another firm deadline and then a bet, failure was again not an option in my mind. I lost thirty pounds in three months. I bought clothes that made me feel pretty and even powerful. I felt more myself than I had in a very long time.

| LIFE

I once asked my husband how he could be attracted to me when I was so heavy. His answer was one of the most powerful things he would ever tell me. He said he loved me and found me attractive no matter the numbers on the scale. The reason he loved me when I lost the weight wasn’t because of my appearance— it was because of how I felt about myself. I was bolder and even daring, I was sassy and felt sexy and flirtatious, I was the newest version of the young woman he had first met and fallen in love with. There was no right or wrong, it just was who I was, and he loved me while I figured it out. The pounds have returned between Covid and Montana winters, depression as I continue to process grief, and the soft luxury of comforting foods that made me happy while I baked away the winter. But again, I realize that I can cultivate whatever life I want, and each decision is mine alone. I wondered what the lie was that I was willing to believe to keep me from my goals? I realized it was that I have time.

I I I I I

have have have have have

time time time time time

I invite you to read this repeatedly, as I did if it is also relevant for you. The truth is that time is not guaranteed to us. When I first thought of this article, I didn’t have an ending. A chasm hung like a cliff at the bottom of the words. But when I typed the question, the answer followed so immediately and powerfully that I just sat speechless. I was not in awe of myself, but that this overwhelmingly powerful truth had found me again in this moment. After Danny died, I lived with the reality every day that he couldn’t be here for just one more minute. It seems so simple to understand, but grieving that someone else doesn’t have more time and the reality that our time is limited and precious is a truth that is not always easy to fully embrace. Over the years, I have discovered that I am not alone with these challenges. Many of the women I know struggle with all of this as well. We tell ourselves that this is just part of life, aging, genetics, menopause, and that it is better to just accept and enjoy our life. I told myself stories for decades so that I could hold on to the complacency I needed. This narrative no longer works for me. The truth speaks to me through a body that has medical issues. I have a closet with 114 inches of hanger rods packed to the gills with clothing I can’t fit into. Someone told me last year that I should get rid of everything I haven’t worn in a year and I howled with laughter. My mental image was five shirts, one pair of jeans, and two leggings hanging in an otherwise empty closet. My age doesn’t make this impossible, just more challenging. Seeking better food, exercise, and changing my thought patterns are the place I start. I also know that we don’t all arrive at the same destination at the same time; this is just my journey and my story. I don’t want to waste one more day worrying about the things that are none of my business. I want to live my life with greater joy and happiness. I have decided it is time to let go of these life-long challenges simply because I am tired of them and ready for something new. I think it’s time to listen to Wilson Phillips again and kick a little ass.

Our lives are a remarkable display of our own transformation

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cultivating mindfulness BY NICOLE DUNN

| LIFE

I love the theme for this edition of MW Mag: Cultivate. When I hear this word, I think not only about the promise of growth but also about self-propelled action. To cultivate something, we must be inspired into the art of bringing some aspect of life to fruition through the vehicle of self-empowered motivation. Perhaps where many of our minds go straight away, especially this time of year, is to the garden. We may ask ourselves: What seeds do I want to cultivate in my garden this spring so that I can enjoy the rewards of their production later on in the year? Similarly, we can look at our own inner landscape— our heart and our mind— as a type of garden. We can ask ourselves: What seeds do I want to cultivate in my life that will help nourish my well-being and the well-being of others? Maybe we want to cultivate the quality of patience or joy or ease. Maybe we want to cultivate more spaciousness or more compassion. Whichever qualities we are interested in developing— just like in a soil-based garden— the seeds we water are the ones that grow. Let’s take mindfulness, for example. If we want to cultivate more mindfulness in our daily life— which is to say, moments when we are able to be more fully present in body & mind in the here & now with things as they are, versus distracted, disengaged, dispersed, and/or spinning off into the future or rehashing the past— it is important to learn and investigate which actions and activities will help water it and which ones won’t. Here are a few possibilities for how to cultivate the seed of mindfulness:

1. Gratitude before meals

When we can insert a brief pause before eating a meal to connect with how fortunate we are to have food to eat and to look more deeply into a few of the many causes & conditions that made the food in front of us possible (i.e., transportation workers, grocery store staff, gasoline, storage facilities, electricity, water), we are helping to establish a conscious connection with our present moment experience of eating.

2. Belly Breathing

Deep breathing is a bridge that connects our mind with our body. Much of the time ,our breath is short and shallow. But we can train our breathing to slow down and deepen and come not only from the lungs but also from the belly, which will strengthen our capacity for generating the energy of mindfulness.

3. Making time for activities that have a natural flow state built-in

There are many activities that have a sort of natural ability to quiet our internal chatter and allow us to immerse with a sense of settling into the moment with what we’re doing while we’re doing it. Things such as: woodworking, gardening, sewing, scrapbooking, fly-fishing, painting, coloring, running, yoga, hiking. Once we identify what activity speaks to us in this way, make time for it. Prioritize it in your schedule. Engaging in such activities regularly & ongoingly is a great way to help cultivate and strengthen mindfulness. 87

4. 5 minutes of Q+S time (quietude + stillness) for starting or ending the day

Unfortunately, many of us regard Q&S time as a bonus or a luxury or an add-on to our full schedule of to-do’s if we have the time, rather than as any sort of real importance or requirement to our state of wellness. We can, however, break free of this type of detrimental thinking. Enfolding 5-minutes of Q&S time into your morning and/or evening routine to sit or lay down and enjoy a few deep breaths in an atmosphere of “nothing to do & nowhere to go” is a potent recipe for developing the skillset of present moment living.

5. Slow walking

A few of the benefits of increasing our capacity for mindfulness include: a reduction in our heightened reactivity rate when things change or the unexpected happens; an increase of our ability to stay grounded amidst turmoil; a slow settling of our nervous system; better emotional regulation; a more pronounced appreciation for the small wonders of life that exist all around us in every moment. Over the past 20 years of practicing mindfulness, I have discovered that as my seed of mindfulness grows stronger and more robust, I become less and less able to take things for granted. Increasing my capacity for mindfulness also increases my gratitude for the rich abundance of life I am afforded. Growing in tandem with mindfulness, like companion plants in the garden, are the qualities of joy, connection, ease, solidity, and gratitude. In watering one seed, we water other nourishing and supportive seeds too. Without the ability to be present in the here and now, our life may easily pass us by and we may be left to wonder: Where did the time go?! Mindfulness helps us to harness our day, moment by moment, in such a way that we are acutely aware that time is precious and life is short. And with this insight, we can bring our own internal garden into full bloom. NICOLE DUNN is a Missoula-based writer, community organizer, poet, ordained member of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Order of Interbeing, and program director of Be Here Now, a weekly mindfulness & meditation group she founded in 2002. For more info: InMindfulMotion.com

IMAGE BY KAROLINA GRABROWSKA

How often do we walk from place to place without any real thought involved of our steps along the way? Probably a lot. To assist our cultivation of mindfulness, we can practice doing short sessions of slow walking inside our apartment, house, room, or trailer home (we can walk outside too, but often we will feel too self-conscious that others are watching us and it will inhibit us from fully immersing into this particular practice). We can connect our breath with our footsteps to help us focus our attention, perhaps taking two or three steps with our inhale and four or five steps with our exhale (as our exhale tends to be a little bit longer than our inhale). Feel what you’re doing while you’re doing it. Don’t try to “get” anywhere. Walk for the sake of enjoying the walk. Also: you don’t need a lot of room. Simply

going back and forth in a small bedroom is more than enough space to practice slow walking.

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Montana Woman Magazine, Issue 17, March/April 2022

Articles inside

Selena Garefino: The Evolve Method

Karen Lum: You are Your Community

Letter from the Editor