Monterey Bay Parent Magazine February 2021

february 2021

WHY YOU CAN’T IGNORE ROUTINE DENTAL HEALTH CARE California Dreaming!

FIGHTING FOR DACA

SHOWING OUR KIDS

a little extra LOVE MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

CHOOSING A PEDIATRICIAN & PREPARING FOR TELEHEALTH VISITS CELEBRATING

BLACK HISTORY MONTH

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Contents February 2021

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Six Ways to Celebrate Black History Month. Celebrate and support the Black community with action. Here are six ways you can do just that.

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Thirteen Ways to Tell Your Child “I Love You.” Go a little bit above and beyond to show your children just how much you love and value them.

Here are thirteen fun ideas for you to try.

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California Dreamer: The Fight for DACA. Learn about DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals) and meet an inspiring Monterey resident who is succeeding as a result of the program.

by Susan Meister and Joel Kestelyn

in each issue: 08 Father’s Day Local dad, Rob Weisskirch covers parenting topics from a dad’s point of view.

10 Dear Teacher Two long time teachers answer your questions about your child’s learning.

12 Grandma Says An experienced grandmother of two offers insight and advice.

17 Peninsula Kids Parents share photos of their kids and families.

18 Products We Love for February

on the cover HEALTH and wellness:

ZoeY is an outgoing 5 year old who loves to dance and crash her two older brothers’ online classes.

She loves walks, riding her bike, and chatting with her neighbors.

Photo by Michelle Findlay 831-262-9192 • michellefindlay.com

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What To Look For When You’re Looking for a Pediatrician. Parents give the author their input on how to find the right pediatrician for your family.

Plus, tips on prepariung for a telehealth visit.

by Tanni Haas

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Don’t Put Off Routine Dental Care. It’s tempting to put off dental care during the pandemic. Don’t! It’s important not just for your oral health but also for your overall health. by Dr. Douglas Keck

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The Anxious Family. Chronic illness, pandemic changes, or general life stressors can contribute to children and parents feeling stressed. Here are some very doable action items that can help your family cope. by Anya Heidenberg MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

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from the publisher…

Monterey Bay

So much to discuss this month! For Valentine’s Day, we offer “Thirteen Ways to Tell Your Child ‘I Love You’” on page 20. Of course, we all need to hear the words, but nothing shows love more than a special gesture or the willingness to spend time together.

We’re focusing on health and wellness (as we usually do in February) with articles on choosing a pediatrician (page 22) and how to prepare for a virtual doctor’s visit (page 23). Plus, we have an important reminder not to ignore dental health in an article on page 24. To wrap up our health articles, Anya Heidenberg has some constructive tips on dealing with anxiety on pages 26-27. Anya’s family has been dealing with a chronic illness for many years, and as a result, they’ve investigated and tried many different ways to lessen anxiety. Her suggestions can be implemented quickly and and so helpful for dealing with the stress of the pandemic.

“Grandma Says” columnist Tricia Vlasak goes deep in her article “What My Grandchildren are Helping Me Learn About Racism” on pages 12-13. It’s not easy to be willing to look within to root out bias, and Tricia is working hard to do just that. She shares her experience honestly and provides food for thought. We’re also celebrating Black History Month on pages 14-15.

We have book and movie suggestions in addition to practical tips that can make a real difference.

Finally, Susan Meister and Joel Kestelyn have spent the last two months looking for DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals) recipients willing to speak on the record. They finally met Pablo Mendez Perez, a genuinely inspirational Monterey Peninsula College graduate. Pablo was willing to share his experience, and you can read about him and the program and its impact on our community on pages 28-30.

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Publisher Andrea Breznay abreznay@montereybayparent.com 831-582-1373 Account Executive Cherilyn Miller cmiller@montereybayparent.com 831-582-1770 Cover Photographers Michelle Findlay Tatiana Scher Contributing Writers SUSAN MEISTER tricia vlasak rob weisskirch Editorial Submissions are welcome. We reserve the right to edit, reject or comment editorially on all material contributed. We cannot be responsible for return of any unsolicited materials.

Articles and advertisements in Monterey Bay Parent do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the publisher nor does the publisher assume responsibility for statements made by our advertisers or editorial contributors.

Acceptance of advertising by Monterey Bay Parent does not constitute an endorsement of the products, services or information. We do not knowingly present any product or service which is fraudulent or misleading in nature.

Monterey Bay Parent is available free of charge at over 250 distribution points throughout Monterey and Santa Cruz counties as well as digitally at www.MontereyBayParent.com.

Monterey Bay Parent is ©2021 by Monterey Bay Parent, LLC. All rights reserved.

Reproduction in whole or part without written permission is strictly prohibited.

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New Dad? New Life!

The early days of infancy are terrifying, exhilarating, sleepless, and yes, janitorial.

If you’re new to the job (or will be soon) here are some tips that may help ease the transition.

The author following his own advice to sleep when and where you can.

Father’s day by Rob Weisskirch

It is hard to describe the instant love that occurs when you first become a father. It is sort of like winning an award for a 9-month long project (Mothers deserve the larger prize, hands down). At the end of the project, you are left with this little person, trying to get to know their unfolding personality.

The early days of infancy are terrifying, exhilarating, sleepless, and janitorial. Many men become dads without much experience caring for babies. When growing up, boys are not routinely given infant care tasks.

I hope this pattern is on the decline so that boys become men who have been around babies and have a better understanding of what to do.

One research study found that men feel a strong sense of responsibility as fathers. Unfortunately, they also report feeling they lacked “the skills, experience, support, and recognition needed to be fathers.”

When my daughter was an infant, despite having baby care experience, being older, and having an advanced degree, I still was uncertain of how to provide care “correctly.” I took cues from my more confident wife’s on diaper changes for girl anatomy, on burping technique after feeding, and on swaddling (I don’t think I ever quite mastered it, to be honest). Research also supports that new fathers often feel uncertain about establishing their role while bonding with their infant. And, 10-18% of new fathers have reported depression or anxiety symptoms just after their child’s birth.

Becoming a new dad is a different challenge than it is for new moms.

From my experience, book learning, and talking to other fathers, I offer the following to new dads:

1.

Sleep when you can. After having a baby sleep through the night for several months and then abruptly shift to waking up a few times a night, my wife and I sought help. Early on, we learned that being sleep deprived made it much harder to function and communicate with one another, let alone care for a baby. My wife went to a parenting class where the instructor advised, “Do whatever you can to give the most people the most sleep.” We

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took this advice to heart. So, that meant that if our daughter wanted to sleep in the swing, she could nap in the swing. If I needed to nap in the recliner with the baby next to me, then that happened. If one of us needed to sleep in another room, we did. You will learn how to help the baby sleep better and find ways to help him or her relax. Sleep is critical for everyone.

2.

Do your part. It may seem that the mom’s role leaves little room for you to interact with the baby. If this happens, suck it up and do those supportive tasks that keep your household running, so that baby can get the attention they need. That means cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, changing diapers, etc., to free up time to attend to the baby.

3.

Make time to be with the baby. When there are opportunities to care for the baby one-on-one, do so. Feed, change and bathe baby when you can, and you will feel the ongoing bond building. You will also grow more confident in taking care of the baby. Making time also means you may have to assert your role as an equal parent.

4.

Care for the baby your way. You do not have to replicate and do everything exactly as your partner does. When I burped my infant daughter, my patting technique on the back was much firmer than was my wife’s, which she would tell me each time. But, my way was effective and worked for what it was intended. At the same time, I was more comfortable holding the baby on one arm, upside down (i.e., a “football hold”), which my wife found precarious. But, it worked to soothe our daughter. We negotiated these differences as our daughter grew. Even today, some things are done “daddy style” and some “mommy style.”

5.

Talk with your partner. The transition to parenthood can shift your relationship. Moms still bear the responsibility of more care for infants and can feel the stress of round-theclock care (particularly if breastfeeding). Your relationship goes from a couple to a trio (or more), with the littlest one demanding most of the attention. Each of you may be uncertain about the job you are doing with the baby and about what the future may hold. You may also be balancing work and other demands. It is important to spend time talking about how things are going, about plans for activities, and about working together. Talk about how you feel about being a father. Talk about what you want for the future. Talk about what you have learned about your baby. Share the funny things that have occurred. All of this communication will strengthen your connection to one another.

Finally, accept help when offered and ask for it when needed. Most parents are willing to share their tips and successes. There is no shame in reaching out and asking others what they have done to become a better parent. The best way to express your love is to become the best parent you can.

Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.

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dear teacher by Peggy Gisler and Marge Eberts

HOW TO CALCULATE READING SPEED

Question: With so many standardized tests being given by schools, I know that reading speed is part of being successful on these tests. How can I find out how fast my children read? I know that comprehension is very important, but speed is also critical! – Need to Know Answer: There are several ways to calculate your children’s reading rate which is typically expressed in words per minute (WPM). One way is to use the formula which is “Number of Words Read” divided by “Time in Seconds” times 60.

Another way is simply to measure a minute on a watch with a second hand or a stopwatch. Then count the number of words read.

You can also search online for “reading words per minute” and have your children take one of these tests.

There is one important consideration no matter which method used to determine silent reading speed. The material read should be on your children’s independent reading level. If you do not know what your child’s independent reading level is, go to our Dear Teacher website and look for “Find Your Child’s Reading Level.”

One caution: If children’s independent reading level is below grade level, they are likely to have some problems with standardized tests that are designed on grade level.

Here are some techniques that you can use with your children to help them increase their reading speed: • Select a definite time when the children can practice their reading.

A good time is usually the 10 minutes before your children start their homework so that they are regularly working on increasing their reading speed.

• Cut an index card at a slant so that it will cover the beginning of a line when your children are reading the end of a line. You will want your children to pace themselves down the page. This makes sure that they do not waste time rereading a line of print.

• Train your children to try and look at the middle of each line or to make only two or three stops at the most in each line.

SHOULD DOING HOMEWORK BE REWARDED?

Question: We are tired of nagging our children to do their homework.

Do you have any suggestions about how to turn things around? Is giving rewards a good idea? – New Approach Answer: Few children are happy to do their homework. Yet this is an essential task that needs to be done. Of course, having the intrinsic (internal) motivation to do homework for the feeling of accomplishment actually learning something is what we would like children to have.

Rewards are an extrinsic (external) motivation. The danger of giving them is that they may cause children to put forth a minimal effort and even decrease intrinsic motivation. Nevertheless, all extrinsic motivation is not bad, especially if children buy into the goal of doing well at school. So, we are giving you some rewards that may help you push your children through dull homework assignments without nagging.

1. Promise a fun activity if homework is completed. It works best if children can choose the activity. It’s rather like the light at the end of the tunnel to inspire kids to get to and complete their homework.

2. Give money for completion of homework when no parental reminders have to be issued.

3. Offer extra time or special activities with friends or family.

4. Offer additional time with their favorite media.

5. For daily success in completing homework, a sweet treat can be given – not

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Parents should send questions and comments to dearteacher @dearteacher.com.

MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

an entirely healthy approach.

6. Let the children pick their own reward.

Our homework contract (search for it on our Dear Teacher website) offers a solid approach to getting children and parents to resolve all homework issues. Rewards can be built into this contract.

HOW TO START A WRITING ASSIGNMENT

Question: My son in fifth grade is not doing well on writing assignments. It’s like pulling teeth to get him started. I am willing to work with him. What should I be doing? – Helpful Answer: Your son may well be slow in starting a writing assignment because he is unsure of how to approach the task. This is an area in which you can help him.

A common problem is selecting a topic when this is left up to a student.

Sometimes just too many topics appeal. You can help by having him write his top choices on cards. Then discuss together the merits of each

topic and eliminate them one by one.

If he can’t make a final decision, have him shuffle the remaining cards, and then draw one at random.

Getting the first words on paper is often a roadblock in the writing process. It can help to have your son write all of his ideas on cards. Then he can lay them out on the floor and place related ideas together. You will probably have to help your son find the most important idea that will serve as his topic sentence. Once this is selected, the other groupings of topics can be arranged in the order that they will be used. Within each grouping the ideas can be arranged in their order of importance. At this point, the paper has nearly written itself.

TUTORING TO THE RESCUE DURING COVID-19 In the past, no one used a tutor or even looked for one unless their children were really on a sinking ship academically! However, since online schooling began, too many students have suffered learning loss.

Research clearly shows that

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tutoring is the most effective educational intervention to improve academic achievement. For this reason, parents who believe their children are falling behind should consider getting a tutor for them.

You are not going to have to look far to find reasonably priced tutors.

Consider high school and college students in your own neighborhood.

Older children could also profit from online tutoring. However, younger children need in-person tutoring for it to be most effective.

These tutors will need to practice safe distancing and wear masks. Do not overlook using the older children in your family as tutors.

We know many high school students who have started their own tutoring businesses during this pandemic. And they offer both online and in-person tutoring.

Both authors have master’s degrees in education and specialist degrees (Ed.S.) in reading. In addition, Peggy has a doctorate in special education and educational leadership.

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grandma says by Tricia Vlasak

What My Grandchildren are Helping Me Learn About Racism When I received the suggested topics for this month’s edition, I considered going in several directions. I can ramble on about a few topics for hours (ask me about my dogs and the benefits of pet ownership!). Others, such as race issues, I actively avoid.

As a middle-aged, middle-class white woman, I feel woefully unqualified to speak on anything related to Black history. It’s not my story to tell, and I would much rather listen to people of color who have something to say than attempt to add two cents. After being reminded that February is Black History Month, I began thinking about my grandkids.

My grandkids are the light of my life. They are beautiful and smart and opinionated, just like their mama. As it was with their mama, I would do anything to protect them, keep them safe, and ensure their happiness.

Which, I suppose, is what inspired me to tackle something related to Black History Month. You see, my

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grandchildren are mixed-race. They are Hispanic, Black, and white. Until I began to educate myself on racial issues in our country, I don’t think I gave that more than a passing thought.

Like most white people, I live in a white-centered world. However, I want to do better. So, years ago, I began a quest to educate myself about racism in our country. I started reading books and articles that could help me see the world through a lens other than my own. It has been an enlightening and humbling journey, and I still have a long way to go. I’m hoping other grandparents will find value in some of the things I have learned.

Why educating myself matters In most white households, there isn’t a lot of discussion about race. It generally doesn’t affect us, so why talk about it? We don’t experience it, so why are the discussions important? I’ll tell you why: because there are things we do and say every day that reflect

how we were raised and our current environment. We live in a world in which white people made the rules, and everyone else had to follow them.

It’s an uncomfortable discussion, but an important one. We all need to get used to speaking plainly and openly.

And if you, like me, have mixed-race grandchildren, it’s essential to get comfortable with this topic. Don’t know where to start? Keep reading.

Our words are important.

As I mentioned, my grandkids are mixed-race. Mom is half white, half Hispanic. Dad is half white, half Black.

My granddaughter, their first child, was born with beautiful cocoacolored skin, curly dark hair that falls in ringlets, and crystal-blue eyes. She is stunning. One of the words many people use when talking about mixedrace children is “exotic.” But, from what I have read, that’s not always seen as a positive thing. They are not colorful birds or a rare piece of art from a

MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

foreign country. Although many of us may think calling someone “exoticlooking” is a compliment, I have learned that most mixed-race people do not interpret it that way. Their value is not in their racial identity; it is in who they are as people. Focusing on their coloring makes them feel like an object, not a valuable person.

Having Black family doesn’t make you immune from racism.

One of the first things I became aware of when I started my reeducation five years ago was that loving a Black person does not mean you have conquered racism. Conquering racism is not about your relationship with a person of color. It is about your relationship and willingness to hold yourself accountable and to call out other white people when they cross a line. Every. Single. Time. Hold your other white family members accountable for even subtle racism.

When you pay attention, you’ll begin to notice it everywhere: in words they choose, in their political views, in almost every aspect of life. Subtle racism is so inherent in white culture that most of us don’t even know we are participating. I will admit this one

They see us. They mimic us. And then they become us.

Make sure you are worthy of being emulated. is probably the hardest for me to do. I don’t want to alienate my family. I also know I probably won’t change them.

Most of them think I’m a bit crazy, anyway. But I have to be true to my journey, and sometimes that means butting heads with family members!

Acknowledge color Another way we can help our mixed-race grandkids is to see and acknowledge color. Being “colorblind” is not possible, nor is it healthy.

Pretending everyone is the same is not helpful. Just as equality and equity aren’t the same. The solution to a society that has traditionally treated people of color differently is not to feign blindness. What is helpful is to treat everyone with dignity and respect. You can do that by acknowledging the unique traditions that are part of Black culture.

Children as a reflection Lastly, understand that your grandchildren are the total of their

influences, including their parents and grandparents. We like to say that “children are our future.” In reality, they are a reflection of the past: of all of us. They don’t start out caring about race, color, nationality, etc. But, somewhere along the line, they see us.

They mimic us. And then they become us. Make sure you are worthy of being emulated. Don’t expect them to overcome your racism. That’s your job.

And it’s something you will need to work on every day for the rest of your life. Be open to your shortcomings, and make a sincere effort to change them.

Stop being defensive when the issue of privilege comes up. Resist the urge to start any sentence with, “Not all white people…” These are things you can do every day to fight racism and leave a better world for your grandchildren. tricia vlasAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures.

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black history month

Six Ways to Recognize Black History Month Black History Month is an annual celebration of achievements by African Americans and a time for recognizing their central role in U.S. history. It grew out of “Negro History Week,” the brainchild of noted historian Carter G. Woodson and other prominent African Americans.

President Gerald Ford officially recognized Black History Month in 1976, calling upon the public to “seize the opportunity to honor the too-often neglected accomplishments of black Americans in every area of endeavor throughout our history.”

Since 1976, every U.S. president has officially designated the month of February as Black History Month.

This year’s theme is, “Black Family: Representation, Identity and Diversity” explores the African diaspora, and the spread of Black families across the United States.

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In honor of Black History Month, here are suggestions to celebrate and support the Black community.

• •

1. Read a book or three. Whether you are looking to educate yourself on issues of racism or you’d like to celebrate a Black writer, Goodreads. com has a list of 1,844 books tagged “Black History Month.”

The top five choices for teens and adults are: • Between the World and Me by TaNehisi Coates • Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston • The Color Purple by Alice Walker • The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander • I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

by Maya Angelou The top rated children’s books are: • Henry’s Freedom Box: A True Story from the Underground Railroad by

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Ellen Levine Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson The Story of Ruby Bridges by Robert Coles Heart and Soul: The Story of America and African Americans by Kadir Nelson Rosa by Nikki Giovanni

2. Donate to an HBCU. Historically black colleges and universities are institutions of higher education that were established before the Civil Rights Act of 1964 with the intention of primarily serving the African-American community. They include Spelman College, Howard University, Tuskegee University and Morehouse College among others. Our current Vice President, Kamala Harris, is a graduate of Howard University.

HBCU’s represent just three percent of the nation’s institutions of higher learning, yet account for nearly 20 percent of African American graduates with undergraduate degrees.

The HBCU Foundation has 105

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members and raises scholarship dollars in support of students attending the member institutions.

To donate to an HBCU, check thehbcufoundation.org.

3. Support a Black-owned business.

Spending your money at Blackowned businesses is one of the best ways to offer support. Ask friends and neighbors for recommendations on local Black-owned business.

Online, you can check webuyblack.com, the largest e-marketplace for Black-owned businesses. The website has been called the “Black Amazon” and has all sorts of everyday products available for purchase. “Black Nation” is an app you can download that has listings of Black owned business in communities across the country.

4. Join the NAACP. The vision of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is to ensure a society in which all individuals have equal rights without discrimination based on race. They work in the areas of federal advocacy, environmental and climate justice,

economic opportunity, criminal justice, education, health, and media diversity.

Annual memberships are $30 for adults. For information on the national organization you can check www. naacp.org.

To reach the Monterey Branch of the NAACP, call (831) 394-3727 or log onto montereynaacp.org. You can check their website for information on events for Black History Month as well as others events scheduled throughout the year.

5. Organize a workplace event. If you are a business owner or manager, February is the perfect month for an educational event for employees.

Obviously, with the current pandemic we can’t meet in person but a virtual event with a speaker, author, or historian speaking about race relations or civil rights would be a great way to offer employees the opportunity to learn something while also opening the conversation about race.

6. Purchase artwork created by a Black artist. Directly supporting the creative work of Black artists is a great way to put dollars directly in

FUELING A DIVERSE AND INCLUSIVE COMMUNITY COMMITTED TO LIFELONG LEARNING BAY VIEW ACADEMY IS A K-8 PUBLIC CHARTER SCHOOL BASED ON THE CORE PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNITY, INNOVATION, AND PASSION FOR LEARNING. OUR DYNAMIC TEACHERS INSPIRE LEARNING THROUGH A BALANCE OF HANDS-ON EXPERIENCES AND HEALTHY USES OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY. PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT IS KEY TO OUR VIBRANT, INCLUSIVE COMMUNITY. MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

their hands. Websites such as Etsy. com, Society6.com, and Blackartdepot. com have sections devoted to Black creators or in the case of Black Art Depot, offer African-American art, gifts, and collectibles.

7. Watch a film by a Black filmmaker. Local activist Nathanial Sawyer recommends Director Spike Lee’s new movie American Skin and One Night in Miami by Director Regina King. You can find a list of 14 films by Black filmmakers that critics believe everyone should watch at www. empireonline.com.

To read a fascinating discussion with fifteen notable Black filmmakers including Nia DaCosta, Lee Daniels, and Dawn Porter, check time. com/5874175/black-cinema-essentialmovies/ However you choose to acknowledge and celebrate Black History Month, the hope is that you won’t limit your activities to February. Make that HBCU donation monthly or resolve to seek out Black authors or filmmakers throughout the year. And, be sure to include your family!

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Peninsula Kids

We’re celebrating Valentine’s Day this month by showing off the LOVELY faces of Peninsula kids and families. Here are some of our favorite photos.

Peter, Alison, and Nichole

Annie with her new puppy

Lucas

Eda Mae, Blythe, and Linus

Evie

Cheyanne

Scarlett

Saffron Moon ready to celebrate her first Valentine’s Day

Want to see your cute kids on this page?

Next month, we’re celebrating the resiliency of our area families after a year of dealing with the pandemic. Email your favorite photo of your kids or family that illustrates some aspect of surviving and even thriving through the pandemic. Submit it with the first names of those in the photo to: abreznay@montereybayparent.com.

MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

Tyler

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We Love It

By Elena Epstein, Director of the National Parenting Product Awards A Mind of Your Own. Brimming with uplifting and empowering songs, the album invites its listeners to think deeply on feelings and emotions that come with growing up, while focusing on resilience and mindset. $14.98, https://folkways. si.edu/the-bright-siders/amind-of-your-own Sharewood Forest Friends. Keep your child entertained with real imaginative play. Each friend comes with an adorable outfit, pajama set, and reusable packaging that unfolds into a unique playscape. $34.99, ages 2+, www. sharewoodfriends.com Potty Time ADVENTures – Farm Animals, Dinosaurs and Busy Vehicles. A Toilet Training Game that cleverly combines the design elements of an Advent Calendar with a Potty Training Chart so children are rewarded with hidden themed wood blocks. Available in three themes. $24.99, ages 18 months+, www. liladvents.com Bulkie® Sleep Mat. All rolled into a convenient and fun backpack, these are perfect for any home hang out adventure or napping at preschool or daycare. It is thick, comfy, cozy, and cushy with a 100% cotton flannel lined blanket and an inch of padded cushion in the sleeping base. $55, ages 2-7, www.urbaninfant.com/bulkie

MVC Experiences • February 5 • February 19

Lulla Owl. A soother and sleep companion for babies and great for onthe-go. Soft, small and lightweight, with no plush filling. Features 24 hours of natural heartbeat and breathing sounds. $39, birth+, lulladoll.com/products/lullaowl

For more product reviews visit nappaawards.com 18

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Are you suffering?

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13 Ways to tell your child

I Love You

1. Look at baby photos together and tell them stories about what they were like as infants or toddlers.

2. Make their favorite meal for dinner tonight--even if it’s something crazy that you don’t want to eat.

3. Create a special “I love you” signal just for them: a funny handshake, tugging your ear, a double wink. Get creative and make sure each child has a unique signal.

4. Apologize when you make a mistake. It’s such a great way for them to learn humility.

5. Give your child a foot or hand rub. Who doesn’t enjoy a relaxing massage, children included? It’s especially welcome at bedtime to help your little one relax.

6. Hold your child’s hand. Sitting on the couch watching a movie or heading out for a walk? Reach out and hold your child’s hand. It’s such a nice reminder that you’re there and that you love them.

7. Start a journal for just the two of you. Get a special notebook that’s just for the two of you. You can leave each other messages, write down memories together, even paste in photos or other memories.

8. Tell them one thing you admire about them–make it specific and different each time. We all want to have our strengths pointed out and reinforced, kids are no exception.

Let them know you notice that they always make their bed without being asked.

9. Speak positively about your child in front of other people. This goes along with number 8, but now the positive remarks are to others. It’s important for children to hear specific and sincere praise from their parents.

9. Listen when your child talks. Look directly at them and give them the honor of your attention. Don’t rush to get back to your work or your chores.

10. Slow down. Instead of insisting your child “hurry,” let them go at their own speed. Don’t rush them along when they are looking at bugs during a neighborhood walk. Give them space to explore at a slower speed than yours.

11. Serve your child breakfast in bed-for no reason. Sit and chat with them while they enjoy room service.

12. Find “your” song. Whether it’s a lullaby you sing to them each night or a current rock ballad you both sing at the top of your lungs, having a special song is a sweet way to share a moment each time you hear it.

13. Show interest in their interests. Hate video games but your child loves them? Sit down with them while they play and really pay attention. You don’t have to love it but your child will appreciate your willingness to participate.

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MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

Monterey Bay Parent Magazine February 2021

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health and wellness by Tanni Haas

What To Look For When You’re Looking For a Pediatrician It’s important to find the right pediatrician: If you choose well, you’ll have a great physician for your kids for years to come. But what should you look for when you’re looking? Based on my own experiences, as well as conversations with other parents, I’ve compiled a list of 8 important things to consider.

Evidence of credentials. Make sure that whoever is on your list of candidates has the right qualifications.

A copy of their medical school diploma, certificate in pediatrics, and license to practice should be made available by the office staff if you request it.

Solo or group practice.

Another thing to consider is whether you prefer a pediatrician who works in a solo or a group practice. There are advantages and disadvantages to both options. In a solo practice, your

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kids are guaranteed to always get seen by their own doctor, but when s(he) is away you’re left stranded. In a group practice, your kids they may not always get seen by their own doctor, but they’re guaranteed to be seen by somebody.

Hospital affiliation(s). Check what hospital(s) the pediatrians you’re considering are affiliated with.

If something happens to your kids, it’s reassuring to know that their pediatrician has admitting privileges to one or more of the best hospitals in the area.

Communication and philosophy of care.

A good pediatrician knows how to interact with kids and adults alike. Your pediatrician should be warm and friendly and speak to your kids at

their level. S(he) also should be a good listener and patiently respond to any questions or concerns you may have.

Choosing the right pediatrician is also about finding someone who shares your philosophy of care. Make sure that your pediatrician agrees with you on such basic issues like breastfeeding and how long to do it, how to properly toilet train your kids, and under what circumstances your kids should be prescribed antibiotics.

Office staff, environment, and services. It’s important that the entire experience of going to see the pediatrician is pleasurable.

The office staff should be courteous, and the waiting area should be clean and with some books and toys to entertain your kids as they wait to be seen.

Location, office hours, and appointments.

One of the keys to finding the right pediatrician is availability. Finding the

MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

perfect pediatrician isn’t useful if s(he) isn’t available where and when you are. Look for someone whose office is conveniently located near your home, workplace, or your kids’ day care or school; ideally all three places so that you can get there quickly in an emergency. It’s also important that the pediatrician has evening and/or weekend hours and offer same-day appointments. Weekend hours are great even in a non-emergency. It’s much less stressful to take the kids to the pediatrician on a quiet Saturday morning than doing so in the late afternoon on a weekday after you’ve had a long day at work and you kids have been at day care or in school.

Excellent reviews. A good pediatrician will have excellent reviews whether you ask your friends, family members, colleagues, or your own physician for recommendations. But here’s the rub: don’t just ask people who they’d recommend, also ask WHY. Make sure that you share the same philosophy of care as the people you’re asking for recommendations.

A final piece of advice: Hold on to your notes about the pediatricians you didn’t select. If your insurance changes, you may find yourself looking for a new pediatrician, and it could take a while to find another one that’s right for your family.

Tanni Haas, Ph.D. is a Professor in the Department of Communication Arts, Sciences & Disorders at the City University of New York – Brooklyn College.

Preparing Kids For Telehealth Appointments As the pandemic drags on, parents are understandably nervous about taking the kids to the doctor’s office. An alternative form of doctor’s visits are telehealth appointments where you and the kids meet with the doctor virtually on the computer. Here is expert advice on how to prepare: Have Information Ready You need to assist the doctor by having relevant information ready before the session begins. This includes, say Dr. Claire McCarthy, a pediatrician, and Dr. Tamara Perry, a child allergist and immunologist, your kids’ height, weight and temperature, a list of current medications and, if it’s a sick visit, details about the issue (when it began, how bad it is, and medications you’ve already tried). If your kids have a rash or another visible ailment, take photos and either upload them to their patient portal ahead of time or be ready to show them to the doctor.

Prepare The Kids Talk to your kids about what to expect during the consultation, and try to alleviate any anxiety they may have. Most kids are now familiar and comfortable with online school instruction, but answering personal questions and talking about their health via a computer to a doctor is new to them. “Have a conversation with your child about what remote care is,” says Katherine Martinelli of the Child Mind Institute, “and ask if they have any questions or concerns.” That’ll help put them at ease before the session starts.

Maintain Their Privacy Put your kids at ease by making the consultation as private as possible. “Provide a private room if you can,” Ms. Martinelli says, “and make sure that siblings and other family members don’t interrupt.” Dr. Erica Lee, a child psychologist, agrees: “turn on the television or play music at a low volume in the next room, put in headphones, or use a noise machine to create a cocoon of privacy.”

Stay Or Leave If your kids are young, stay with them during the consultation, on your lap if possible, to make them feel safe. You may need to answer most of the doctor’s questions for them, or help them explain to the doctor how they’re feeling. If they’re teens, Dr. McCarthy says, “leave the room and don’t listen at the door.”

Test Computer Equipment No matter how familiar you and the kids are with technology, test all the hardware and software that you’ll need for the consultation prior to the appointment. This includes your laptop or tablet, the website or app that the doctor will be using, the internet browser that supports the website or app (e.g., some only work on Chrome or Firefox), as well as any software that you may have to download and use. “This way,” Ms. Martinelli says, “you won’t waste precious minutes dealing with technical difficulties.”

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National Children’s Dental Health Month by Dr. Douglas Keck

Don’t put off routine dental care It’s tempting to put off routine dental care during a pandemic. Don’t do it!

The American Dental Association reminds us that is important for oral health and your child’s overall health to continue with routine screenings and care.

When we think of primary health, dental health is often overlooked, or considered non-essential. With established links between oral health and overall health, routine dental care is imperative at every life stage, including young children.

TOOTH DECAY CAN START EARLY People are often surprised to learn that tooth decay (or cavities) can develop as soon as a child’s first tooth comes in. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reports, “by age 8, more than 50% of children have had a cavity in their primary (baby) teeth.” Even more surprising, cavities are one of the most common chronic diseases in children in the United States – four times more common in adolescents than asthma.

Yet, tooth decay is preventable.

BABY TEETH ARE TEMPORARY Yes, baby teeth are temporary but untreated cavities can progress into tooth infection that can spread to the jaw and face or in extreme cases, the brain. With dental decay and pain, children are three times more likely to miss school and have impaired development, lower educational performance, poor behavior, illness and more. Furthermore, lifelong habits

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are formed at an early age, the earlier a healthy habit is introduced, the more likely it will be adhered to in the long term.

DENTAL CARE IS ESSENTIAL The American Dental Association says, “dentistry is an essential health care service because of its role in evaluating, diagnosing, preventing or treating oral diseases, which can affect systemic health.”

MOUTH HEALTH CAN POINT TO OTHER CONDITIONS Systemic conditions such as diabetes generally first become clear as mouth lesions or other oral problems. In fact, according to the Academy of General Dentistry, more than 90% of all systemic diseases produce oral signs and symptoms. Routine dental care can alert you to other conditions or diseases early leading to better outcome for treatment.

BARRIERS TO CARE While we are all susceptible to tooth decay, oral disease disproportionately affects underserved populations, especially children. Children at most risk are from lower socioeconomic families where barriers to care such

as caregiver low health literacy, language proficiency, dental insurance and geographic access are prevalent.

Access to care is also greatly limited by the number of dentists who accept Medicaid or provide variable fees for the uninsured. The Health Policy Institute finds that a little over half of children ages 2 to 18 have private dental benefits, 38.5% have dental benefits through Medicaid and the Children’s Health Insurance program, and 10.3% have no dental benefits.

COMMUNITY IMPACT Community health affects educational achievement, safety, ability to work and financial stability. Collectively we can improve health equity for our community by identifying those in need. Daycares, schools, social services and various non-profits interact with families long before a child’s first dental visit. These are opportunities to help families understand the importance of setting up a “dental home” as soon as a child’s first tooth comes in.

Dr. Douglas B. Keck, is the dental director for Healthcare Network, a pediatric dental care program in Florida.

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25

pandemic parenting by Anya Heidenberg

The

anxious Family

Chronic illness, pandemic changes, or general life stressors can contribute to parents and children feeling anxious.

Here are seven tips to help your family cope.

“Can I be done?” She asked in frustration.

“Not yet,” I said over my coffee. “You have ten minutes left.”

“I hate this! I am stupid!” She shoves the laptop away and sinks under the table to let out a scream, followed by sounds of hyperventilating.

I am sure this sounds familiar. In households across the world, parents are dealing with schooling from home and other changes as a result of the pandemic. Our children have had to leave their friends at school and adjust to learning from home. They’ve had to stop visiting grandparents. It is only natural that some of these little minds would have very big feelings including depression and anxiety.

In my home, we’ve battled anxiety for six years as the result of a cancer diagnosis. We were in quarantine long before the pandemic began. As a result, we’ve developed some coping strategies than might be helpful for other parents.

Stay Active. Exercise releases endorphins–one of the “happy hormones” that give you feelings of positivity and peace. Keep it practical, go for a nature walk together, put on a yoga or pilates class on the TV, ride bikes, or get creative, and set up an obstacle course in your yard. If the weather is permitting, try to get outside, sunlight is beneficial in lifting the spirits! If you are stuck inside with bad weather, try a family workout on Go Noodle.

Refocus. When you or your child feel big feelings of panic, try focusing on something else. Offer a shower or bath, eat something small like a mint, or practice some deep breathing. I have them count the fingers on their hand. Or, have them hold out their non-dominant hand and use their other hand to trace from the tip to their palm. Start with the pinky and move to the forefinger while saying, “From the tip of my finger to the middle of my palm, I can do this! I can be calm!” Counting while breathing is a recognized calming technique, and using the rhyme combines sensory touch with counting and breathing. It is very useful. From a local Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, “Practice it with them, do not

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MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

tell them what to do. Tell them ‘Daddy is going to do deep breathing’ and then ask them to do it with you. They are more apt to participate if you show them what to do and do it together.”

Put On Music. Music can be very healing and helpful in the redirection. Put on something calm; I like to play Simon and Garfunkel if we have to bring big emotions down. When we need a quick redirection, I put on Pop music, and we dance it out.

Add Some Help. If your child needs a little more help calming down during the day, try adding a weighted lap pillow to school time, sit on a yoga ball instead of a chair, or add a fidget toy to lesson time. If night time is fright time, try a weighted blanket, sound, and light machine, essential oils diffusing, or allow them to fall asleep to an audiobook.

Use Smell and Light. Sometimes something simple like changing your light bulbs can make a huge difference!

Get some soft, warm lights in your home so you can turn off brighter lights and replace them with warm and comforting lights. Use natural light as much as you can, open the curtains, and turn off the overhead lights. I also like to light a couple of yummy smelling beeswax candles or diffuse soothing essential oils like lavender, sandalwood, frankincense, and vetiver.

Put It In a Box. Have the child write or draw pictures of what is giving them anxiety. There is no right answer; put anything in the box that speaks to them as a source of anxiety. Once they are finished, seal the box and say a few words about the items being in a box and out of their minds, then put the box away.

When to Get Help. Everyone has anxiety during the pandemic, but it is essential to know when to seek help.

From a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist comes this advice, “Look for things that your child has trouble doing now. Can the child no longer do things they used to do like get out of bed, do their chores, or engage with family? If yes, then look at your insurance for therapists that are covered under your plan. You can also call NAMI, The National Alliance on Mental Illness, to find a provider.

There are so many factors that contribute to childhood and parental anxiety but there is both self-help and professional help available. The earlier you intervene, the better the results so don’t wait to try one or more of these suggestions.

For additional information: • You can reach the NAMI HelpLine Monday through Friday, 10 am–6 pm, ET at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org.

• If you have MediCal, you can call County Mental Health at (831) 784-2150. If you feel overwhelmed about where to start, then start by calling 211.

• A Little SPOT of Anxiety: A Story about Calming Your Worries. by Diane Amber • Go Noodle exercise videos: https://family.gonoodle.com MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

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The Fight for DACA

By Susan Meister and Joel Kestelyn For some time, we could find no one to interview for this story.

“Dreamers,” the name given to recipients of DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals) live all around us in Monterey County. But most are too afraid to talk to an unknown outsider.

Why? Because it became known in April, 2020 that the information they provided on their DACA applications could be accessed by U.S. immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), placing undocumented members of their families at risk for deportation.

But Pablo Mendez Perez, a 33-year-old, first-generation graduate of Monterey Peninsula College, was willing to speak with us. Mr. Perez is a model DACA recipient, so accomplished that Congressman Jimmy Panetta asked him to attend the 2020 State of the Union speech. He is among the estimated 19,000 Dreamers living in the 17th Congressional District, comprising Monterey, San Benito, and Santa Cruz counties. In other words, they are our neighbors.

Pablo was brought here from Mexico at the age of 13 and worked in the fields alongside his parents until the age of 19. He did not go to high

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school or even speak English until he was 20. At that point, he decided he wanted another pathway in life, and chose to seek an education. He started going to school at night while still working in the fields. He eventually enrolled at MPC, which offers a fulltime schedule for ESL (English as a Second Language) students. Once he was admitted, he moved from King City to Monterey, attending classes at night while working at fast-food restaurant jobs to support himself.

At the age of 33, Perez now holds a degree in Spanish and Communications. He is hoping to go to a four-year college to continue his education in communications and journalism. In the meantime, he is working as an intern for the United Farm Workers Foundation, where he is, among other things, advocating for the Farm Workforce Modernization Act. This law would protect the people he worked within the fields for so many years.

As already mentioned, Congressman Panetta knows how outstanding Pablo is. His invitation to attend the State of the Union Address allowed Pablo to travel the halls of

Congress as an honored guest and demonstrate to the very politicians that oppose immigration reform that he and his fellow Dreamers are worth their investment.

“I wanted to show them that we belong in this country, that we want to contribute to it, to improve it, like any other American,” he says. He recognizes some people believe he should not have the right to be here, but “I am not afraid of revealing my DACA status. I have a lot of people behind me, and I am looking forward to my future.”

Although Pablo is the first in his family to graduate from college, he will not be the only one. His sister is studying to be a nurse. “It has been very difficult to live here during these last four years, but it is our job as DACA recipients to work with members of Congress so they will want to help all undocumented people. This is our home, and we want to give back to it.”

DACA Court Challenges The last four years have brought significant changes in the United States’ immigration policy, most of which have been either controversial

MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

or outright divisive. They were brought here as young children by their parents, know only this country as their home, and enjoy enormous support. There are stringent requirements that determine a person’s eligibility for the program.

The requirements are based on the applicant’s age, the length of time they have been in the United States, and their current educational status. Once accepted, DACA recipients receive an deferment period, which was initially two years, then shortened to one year, and recently reinstated to two years.

The court challenges to DACA have been numerous; one that reached the Supreme Court attempted to end the program. That challenge resulted in a ruling that the Trump Administration had not adequately explained its reasons and was denied.

In a second case, a New York federal court concluded that the appointment of the Homeland Security secretary, Chad Wolf, who petitioned the court to neuter the program by limiting it to one year and preventing new applicants from applying, was “not an exercise of legal authority.”

On December 4th, the third ruling ordered the Trump Administration to immediately and fully restore the program.

Other challenges continue.

Republican Attorneys General have asked a federal court in Texas to declare the entire program unlawful.

The battle over DACA will end only when Congress overhauls our immigration policy and provides Dreamers with a citizenship pathway.

In the meantime, President Biden has promised to expand DACA protections during his first 100 days in office.

DACA Facts Today there are an estimated 640,000 DACA recipients in the U.S. Of these, more than 29,000 are healthcare practitioners, 200,000 are working in occupations deemed “essential,” and over 900 have enlisted in the military.

They contribute significantly to our economy: over the next ten years, these Dreamers will add as much as $433.4 billion to the GDP and pay $12.3 billion in taxes to support Social Security and Medicare.* Data vary on how many undocumented people there are in Monterey County, a major destination of immigrants seeking work in agriculture and hospitality. According to records from the Migration Policy Center, as of 2019, almost 22% of Monterey and San Benito counties’ population is composed of noncitizens, the highest of any in California. It is estimated that as many as 20,000 Dreamers live in the 17th Congressional District, comprising Monterey, Santa Cruz, and San Benito Counties.* Monterey County, the first declared “Dreamers County” in the

country, has provided considerable support. Hartnell, CSUMB, and MPC, as well as our K-12 public school systems, maintain Dreamer Centers that offer counseling, connections, and access to financial aid so Dreamers can continue their education. The Monterey County Office of Education offers a robust initiative that provides services to DACA recipients and to undocumented students.

But academic and financial challenges are not the only obstacles Dreamers face. Summer PratherSmith, MCOE’s Migrant Program Senior Director, describes one of the insurmountable barriers that confront them: they cannot travel outside of U.S. borders, a benefit of citizenship.

That makes it impossible for Dreamers to visit family in Mexico, for instance.

In many ways, they live in the shadows of the only country they have ever known. So while DACA is a saving grace for so many, only a path to citizenship will relieve their hardship.

Meet S.L. S.L. is an undocumented seventeenyear-old high school student. He was only a few months away from applying for DACA when the door closed on him. Being undocumented meant that he could not get a green card, which meant he could not work at traditional jobs. To earn money, he has been tutoring a student with severe disabilities for the past year. He is

DACA Stats: 640,000: Number of DACA recipients in the U.S. $433.4 billion: Their contribution to the nation’s GDP $12.3 billion: Amount paid in taxes by Dreamers

DACA recipient, Pablo Mendez Perez is pictured with Congressman Jimmy Panetta MONTEREY BAY PARENT • february 2021

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JAZZ & CONTEMPORARY president of a club for undocumented Where to from here? as a counselor to a senator. I want to students, all working for the same There is renewed hope that in the use my academic research to help the ww.dancecarmel.com goal, to become American citizens. He new administration a comprehensiveINTENSIVE United States.” describes a problematic coming-ofage. “I couldn’t live the life of a normal high school student. I was always worried about how I could make a living in this country.” Federallysupported scholarships and internships that citizens have access to were not available to him, but the club has provided much-needed community and support. “We have each other to lean on, and that means a lot.”

He points out that California does offer financial aid to undocumented students, so he is grateful that he lives here. And he is intent on contributing to the country that he so wants to be a part of legally.

He counsels everyone who qualifies to apply for DACA now that the courts have again made it possible. “DACA helps everyone,” he says. “We want what everyone else wants: to make a living and to make a difference.” S.L. is not yet a Dreamer, but he is poised to be. His excitement is palpable and his determination inspiring.

immigration bill will finally receive bipartisan support. Congressman Panetta, a member of the Problem Solvers Caucus, a 50-person group in the House divided equally between Democrats and Republicans, is working to make it happen. He repeats a common shared theme: “Dreamers don’t just want to stay here,” he says, “they want to contribute here.”

To emphasize his point, in December, it was announced that the first DACA recipient, Santiago Potes, a resident of Florida, was awarded a prestigious Rhodes Scholarship.

He attributes his academic success to what he describes as a “rigorous elementary school education” and the mentorship of a teacher who early on recognized his talent. However, if the courts had not ruled to preserve DACA, he says he could not even have applied for the scholarship. When Potes receives his International Relations master’s degree from the University of Oxford, England, he wants to “return to the U.S. either as a national security expert in the Department of State or

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DACA students, like Pablo Mendoza Perez, are examples of how, once given an opportunity, can contribute their talents and use their ambition to achieve and succeed.

*Data providedCA by the Center for el Rancho Shopping Center Suite B-6 Carmel, 93923 Migration Studies, the Migration Policy

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Center, and the Public Policy Institute of California.

The authors thank Dr. Ernesto Velez and Summer Prather-Smith of the Monterey County Office of Education for their assistance with this article.

Susan Meister is a journalist, columnist, and community activist living in Pebble Beach. Susan’s writing was recognized with the 2020 Bronze Award for service writing from the Parenting Media Association.

Joel Kestelyn is a sophomore at the University of Washington, studying psychology and pre-law.

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Monterey Bay Strong In our March issue, we will be looking back at the last year and the ups and downs of pandemic life for the families of Monterey and Santa Cruz Counties.

In the special issue, you’ll find: • A celebration of the strength, resilency, and courage of our local families.

• Gratitude for the heroes who are helping us get through the pandemic.

• A look at business and organizations and how they have adapted to serve the needs of their clients and customers • A look forward to the better days to come.

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