Meet the Step-Parents (& the Step-Grandparents)

The so-called “traditional” family is no longer as typical as it once was. Mom and dad, two moms, two dads, grandparents raising their children’s children, a mix of parents and stepparents, are all common and valid and beautiful families. Some of these complex family configurations mean the role of grandparents has changed.

I married my husband when my daughter was eighteen years old, and my son had just turned nine. My daughter moved out on her own shortly after that. Because of the timing, my husband has never really played the role of a father to her. He knew she was too old for him to move into that role, so he wisely took on a role as more of a loving uncle: there when she needed him, but never too pushy or opinionated about parenting issues having to do with her. That worked for a long time. However, our first grandchild came along four years ago, and my husband’s role changed yet again. He is the only grandpa my grandkids know. My daughter’s children are OUR grandchildren. And I’m pretty sure nothing thrills him more than to hear our granddaughter screech, “Grandpa!” and run into his arms. Watching the love between them is one of the most precious things in the world.

Now, to show that a stepfather’s role is ever-evolving, my husband’s place in my daughter’s life has changed again: my daughter and her husband just bought their first home. Watching them navigate new homeownership has been fun. But it has also allowed my husband to fill yet another role: handyman. He has spent hours at their home fixing leaks, trimming trees, and advising on the issues that go along with homeownership. I know it makes my husband feel good to know that my daughter trusts him and seeks out his expertise. It also strengthens his role as “grandpa” because he is building friendship and trust with my daughter, which is lovely to see.

Thinking about June, and Father’s Day, made me want to shout out to men…especially the ones who are playing those important “father” roles in place of someone else. It is not an easy position to be in, and it is often thankless. It is not always simple to learn the unwritten rules of step-parenting or step-grandparenting. But just from observing these last few years and the relationship my husband has built with the grandkids, I can tell he has learned to navigate those waters.

I asked him for some pointers on making step-grandparenting a successful and fulfilling relationship:

• Be patient and let the relationship come to you. If you force it, it feels awkward and uncomfortable. But if you remember just to be yourself, relax, and take a genuine interest in the children, the relationship will develop.

• Don’t overstep your bounds by offering unsolicited parenting advice or opinions to the grandchild’s parents. • Be available and consistent.

• Build a hobby or interest together; some activity that is all yours. For example, my husband does woodworking and enjoys chopping firewood. My granddaughter loves spending time in the garage with him, building things. She also loves to follow him around on our property, moving chopped firewood and stacking tree cuttings. It’s their “thing,” and she’s always excited when she gets to “work” with Grandpa.

• Accept the grandchild as your own. This one is important. In our situation, there are no biological grandfathers in the picture, and my husband’s biological daughter does not have children yet. So, there are no issues regarding treating biological and step grandkids differently. But, in some families, there are several sets of grandparents and a mix of bio and step-grandchildren. It is important to learn about each child and have a relationship with each of them based on their own merits, not on who “created” them.

Being a part of a blended family is not easy. So, on this Father’s Day, here’s to the men who take the challenge on with humor, patience, humility, and a lot of love.

Tricia Vlasak is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on Jeep adventures.