Introduction

Oh, hey there! Thanks for picking up my book. Now, I expect you will be reading this for one of a few reasons. Maybe you’re new to plants, a Baby Plant Parent, and you’re hoping to learn a thing or two about taking care of these leafy bundles of joy. Perhaps you’ve owned quite a few plants already and you’re seeking some validation in your never-ending struggles. Or maybe, you’ve come here to point and laugh at my book because, let’s be honest, it is a hot mess. Any and all of these reactions are fair, I’ll admit. All I’m here to do at the end of it is entertain you, so if you are laughing AT my book rather than laughing WITH my book, that’s a-okay with me.

Here’s the thing, I love plants. And from what I can tell, a whole lot of other people do too. But if we’re being honest, plants can be so fucking hard to take care of. (I’m allowed to swear, this is my book). So, I’ve decided to collect those struggles and put them down here. I’ve added some of my own advice and experience here and there, maybe that will help some of you readers out. Disclaimer though, I am far from being a plant expert, so if my advice leads to a dead plant on your end, WHOOPSIE! The first half of this guide is going to go over some basic stuff. It’s kinda informative, but also kinda, “That shit sucks, right?” The second half is going to be a plant directory of what I have found to be the most common or popular house plants. That part will have some actual useful information in it. Unless it doesn’t. We’ll just have to see.

To the person laughing at my book, keep on laughing! If that’s the only thing you get out of reading this, I’ll still be glad (or maybe I’ll cry who knows). To my fellow struggling Plant Parent, let’s revel in our struggles, because being a Plant Parent wouldn’t mean DIRT if it was easy. (insert asshole smile here). And to the baby Plant Parents reading this, welcome to the world of plants! It’s tough, messy, and so, so rewarding.