The Horse's Mouth

FIG. 1: THE ARTIST, HAPPY, IN THE ARMS OF A FRIEND

FIG. 2: THE ARTIST TAKING A SELFIE IN HER OWN HOME

FIG. 3: THE ARTIST IN PIGTAILS, CAUGHT UNAWARES




I AM NO LONGER AFRAID TO GAZE UPON MY NAKED SELF

FEELIN’ MYSELF

I AM DONE SELF-CENSORING

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF WHAT THIS BODY CAN DO

I FEEL THE MOST PATRIOTIC WHEN I’M WATCHING THE WEST WING AND I T H I N K T H AT SAYS MORE ABOUT THE CURRENT STATE OF OUR COUNTRY THAN IT DOES ABOUT THE QUALITY OF THE TV I WATCH

CAUSE FOR ONCE I B E L I E V E TH AT THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THIS COUNTRY ARE HONORABLE AND GOOD

AND I REALLY HATE T H I N K I N G T H AT THAT ISN’Y THE CASE IN REALITY

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I AM JUST REALIZING I AM AN ABUNDANCE

I’VE CHANGED, BUT I’M STILL FIGURING OUT HOW

I’M TRYING TO CLOSE THE GAP BETWEEN WHO I AM AND WHO I REALLY WANT TO BE

PROMISES TO THE SELF SHOULDN’T BE BROKEN

THE FOLLOWING

ARTWORKS

WERE NEVER APPROVED FOR

ANY AUDIENCE

BY ANYONE

DISCLAIMER: don’t say i didn't warn you

I’M TRYING THIS NEW

THING

WHERE THE

I

TELL

PEOPLE

LOVE

T H AT

I I

LOVE THEM AS OFTEN AS I CAN

THERE’S

NO

BETTER USE FOR WORDS THAN IN THE SERVICE OF AFFIRMING THE EXISTENCE

OF

LOVE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE

THERE IS AN INTIMATE AND I N F I N I T E TENDERNESS THAT EXISTS IN THE SPACE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO SIMPLY LIKE BEING NEAR EACH OTHER

WHAT IS IT THAT PEOPLE SEE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME? DO THEY SEE THE SAME BODY THAT I DO? THE S A M E PERSON? THE SAME FLESH?

FLESH IS F L E S H , REGARDLESS OF ITS PACKAGING

I NEVER KNEW SKIN REGENERATED AND LIVED MY WHOLE LIFE THINKING I HAD BEEN THE SAME PERSON THE WHOLE TIME

I’M

TIRED

OF

SEEING PHOTOS OF YOUNG WITH

WOMEN ALMOST

PERFECT BODIES

AND

KNOWING

THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE IN THIS KIND

OF

BODY

BETTER THAN I CAN

RECENT

DISCOVE

RY:

I AM NOT A THING THAT NEEDS FIXING

?

T A H W S S E GU

I CA FUC N BE CAN K I W WHA ’T DOANT TEVER A SHIT ND Y THE ABO OU UT I T

I MAY BE A SMALL GIRL IN A LARGE WORLD BUT I AM STILL STRONG AND POWERFUL AND VALUABLE




TRY AND CONNECT THE DOTS

THIS IS A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A PUZZLE TO BE SOLVED

a body is more than just a jumble of parts

WHO KNOWS WHERE IN THE WORLD I WILL BE THIS TIME NEXT YEAR

AND HONESTLY, THE UNCERTAINTY IS BECOMING MORE AND MORE APPEALING

MOSTLY BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF HOW BIG THE WORLD IS AND HOW MANY THINGS THERE ARE TO DO

your name will spew from my crooked teeth until i learn to swallow you whole

there is desire in my belly and it is hungry for you

i would wear your need around my neck like a noose

THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY SEXUAL ABOUT A BODY, DESPITE ALL THE EFFORTS TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE THERE IS

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER TOUCHED THIS VERSION OF ME

I HAVE BEEN THE QUEEN OF THIS BODY FOR 22 YEARS AND I DON’T PLAN ON GIVING UP THE THRONE ANYTIME SOON

 

you look like just the kind of guy i could smother myself in

how about i invite you over for dinner

and we just make out instead

the softness of your body makes my mouth water




WHAT A STRANGE WAY TO MEASURE THE PASSAGE OF TIME 


I’M NOT THE GIRL WITH THE SHORT HAIR ANYMORE

AND I’M SCARED THAT I WON’T LOOK GAY ENOUGH

TO FEEL THE WAY THAT I FEEL

E M C O DA N C E WITHME, YOUKNOW WANT YOU TO

LETME YOU , TELL IDON ’ T LOOKBETTER THE IN DARK

DON ’ TTRY AND ME YOU TELL DIDN ’ T WANTME CAUSE KNOW YOU I DID

HELLO HERE I AM, LITHE AND DAMP AND WAITING

FEEL YOUR WAY THROUGH THE DARK TO FIND ME

I WANNA HEAR YOUR SKIN TALKING TO MINE

WHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG I’VE BEEN HERE THIS WHOLE TIME

most days i try and not think about my body’s parameters

I AM NOT HERE FOR YOU TO LOOK AT

MY BEST DAYS ARE WHEN I FORGET WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE

IT’S THOSE NICHOLAS SPARKS KIND OF MOVIES THAT GET YOU, MAKE YOU YEARN IN THAT SCARY SOFT PLACE FOR YOUR HAPPILY EVER AFTER

I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE DAY

WHEN YOU’RE NOT MY ONLY HEARTBREAK MOSTLY BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU WON’T HAVE BEEN THE ONLY PERSON I’VE LOVED

I WANT TO BE KISSED IN THE SUNLIGHT

AND TO FEEL NO SHAME

AND I THINK I DESERVE THAT

i often sit in my car, in the dark, with the music and still let myself playing

by the become immensity overwhelmed of things in the world that i’m supposed to have experienced by now

is it naive to still believe that the universe has a plan for me?

bec au se i am sl ow l y reali zi ng all the things i’ve been waiting for

have never been guaranteed

the first girl i ever loved told me i wasn’t enough for her and never would be, and four years later i still make art about her

why do we feel the need to memorialize pain?

maybe because it helps us remember to grow

o

r

maybe because when you’ve been alone for so long, holding onto the good parts of a toxic thing is all you have

but mostly because we are trained to believe we aren’t worth something until someone else loves us

and that to be unlovable is the greatest sin and most deplorable tragedy

so i get why letting go is so hard

how can you let go of the last person to make you feel loved, when t h e r e’s n o g u a r a n t e e there will be a next ?

D O N’T Y O U DARE MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR B E I N G EMOTIONAL

crying is my most natural reaction and sometimes i hate that i can’t help IT

other times i am glad that i can be that impulsively tender

SCREW THE IDEA THAT I AM A LESSER BEING BECAUSE I AM NOT AFRAID TO SHOW THAT I CARE

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU THINK ANY OF THIS IS ABOUT YOU, ODDS ARE YOU’RE RIGHT

AIN’T NOTHING TOO SACRED TO NOT BE TALKED ABOUT

AND I'M N O T AFRAID TO BE BRASS A N D HONEST ABOUT Y O U R PLACE IN MY LIFE

MY HOROSCOPE TELLS ME THIS MONTH IS ABOUT “TRANSCENDING MY OWN TRAUMA” BUT I’M TRYING TO NOT LET INK AND OTHER PEOPLE DICTATE HOW I’M GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE

IT’S FUNNY TO THINK THAT THE PLANET IS SO BIG AND YET WE ALL GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC

SOMETIMES ALL YOU NEED IS ACCESS TO THE STARS TO MAKE YOU FEEL CLOSER TO THE EARTH

IT COMFORTS ME TO THINK THAT THERE’S STUFF OUT THERE THAT CAN’T BE EXPLAINED BY SCIENCE IF ONLY BECAUSE I LIKE THE IDEA THAT WE CAN NEVER KNOW IT ALL

I AM TRYING TO RECONCILE TWO THINGS: MY UPBRINGING THAT TAUGHT ME SEX WAS SPECIAL AND SCARY AND NOT TO BE HAD WITH TOO MANY PEOPLE AND DEFINITELY NOT WITH PEOPLE YOU DON ’ T MAYBE LOVE, AND THE WAY THAT NOW I WANT TO HAVE FLINGS AND STOP FOCUSING ON A RELATIONSHIP AND STOP BEING SO PRACTICAL ALL THE TIME.

I’VE OFTEN THOUGHT ABOUT THE SCENARIO WHERE I’M AT A BAR AND I MEET SOMEONE AND THINGS START TO GET HOT OR HEAVY OR BOTH - WOULD I BE TOO SCARED TO GO HOME WITH THEM? AM I REALLY THAT TYPE OF PERSON? WHAT TYPE OF PERSON IS THAT?

DID YOU KNOW? IT IS POSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN TO LIVE HER L I F E SUPPORTING OTHER WOMEN A N D RELENTLESSLY PROVING THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU WOULD NOT MAKE A CHOICE FOR YOURSELF DOES MEAN T H AT O T H E R WOMEN DON’T DESERVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO CHOOSE

DISPLACEMENT: feeling one way when you walk around and another way when you look in the mirror

EMPOWERMENT: ridding yourself of the need to apologize for your own existence

ENGAGEMENT: reminding yourself that you’re worth the oxygen

i’m just happy to know for sure that you don’t hate my freaking guts

i guess you could say that i’ve missed you

BUT HOW DO YOU COVER THAT MUCH LOST GROUND?

E V E R Y O N E N E E D S TO B E R E M I N D E D THAT THEY’RE WORTHY OF LOVE EVERY NOW AND THEN

MY MOM ALWAYS SIGNS EVERYTHING SHE WRITES TO ME WITH “U R LOVED” AND THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF MY FAV O R I T E T H I N G S ABOUT HER

WELL, THAT AND THE WAY WE HAVE ALWAYS MANAGED TO FIT ON THE COUCH TOGETHER

IT’S A SCARY THOUGHT, THINKING THAT YOUR FAMILY DOESN’T REALLY KNOW THE REAL YOU, AND WOULDN’T ACCEPT YOU IF THEY DID

EXISTENCE IS A STRANGE DUALITY WHEN YOUR FAMILY BELIEVES YOU ARE ONE THING AND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AWAY FROM THEM PROVES YOU ARE ANOTHER

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE HO NEST WITH THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU, REGARDL ESS?

 

iamconvincedthatreallife canbesomuchbetterthanthe movies,ifonlywegave ourselvesthepowertomakeit

NOT MY WORDS, BUT STILL TRUE: WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE

AND I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW WE CAN THINK WE DON’T DESERVE THE BEST OF ALL THINGS

I AM SCARED TOO, BUT I REFUSE TO LET THAT DICTATE THE AMOUNT OF HAPPINESS I’M WILLING TO FIGHT FOR

I DON’T WANT TO MISS OUT ON ANYTHING BECAUSE I WAS TOO SCARED TO ACT

STOP FEEDING YOURSELF BULLSHIT EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING WHAT YOU WANT TO DO

THERE’S HONESTY WITH GOD AND THERE’S HONESTY WITH YOURSELF

AND I THINK BOTH ARE REQUIRED TO LEAD THE KIND OF LIFE YOU DON’T REGRET

EXPLORE YOUR EXISTENCE WITH COURAGE