Moving forward courageously by Ellard Thomas

Hard Copies of Moving Forward, Courageously Can be Acquired at: http://ellardthomas.com/store.html

Moving Forward, Courageously

Moving Forward, Courageously Seven secrets to restoring love, money, and happiness in your life

Ellard L. Thomas

Copyright ÂŠ 2011 by Ellard L. Thomas Written Voice, LLC Auburn, WA 98092 www.IAMMFC.com ISBN: to be supplied All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recorded, photocopied, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions and do not participate on or encourage electronic piracy of copyrightable materials. Your support of the authorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s rights is appreciated. An effort has been made to locate sources and obtain permission where necessary for the quotations used in this book. In the event of any unintentional omission, modifications will be gladly incorporated in future editions. Printed in the United States of America

Hard Copies of Moving Forward, Courageously Can be Acquired at: http://ellardthomas.com/store.html

Contents Why This Book?........................................................................................... 7 Discovering the Secrets.................................................................................. 9 The Elements.............................................................................................. 15 Choose........................................................................................................ 23 Oppose Failure............................................................................................ 41 Use the Power of Negative Emotions for Positive Action ............................ 55 Reject Doubt . ............................................................................................ 65 Acknowledge your Strong Whys . ............................................................... 87 Get Back Up Again .................................................................................... 99 Evolve into Your True Self......................................................................... 111 Mastering the Art of Living Courageously................................................. 123 Special Prayer for You................................................................................ 127 Thank You................................................................................................ 129 References Consulted................................................................................ 131

Why This Book?

appiness is our chief aim in life. Whether our happiness is attached to money, love, or a sense of accomplishment, it is a desire we all have. Unfortunately, the inundation of loss and unforeseeable challenges prevent us from fulfilling this quest. This is unacceptable. Thomas Jefferson, famed contributor to the Declaration of Independence, wrote that we are to have the unalienable rights to, “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Why didn’t he omit the word “pursuit” and simply write “happiness?” The answer is simple. We all define happiness differently. Many of us believe that happiness is attached to financial independence, while some believe it is attached to love, and others still to wealth or good health. Despite the definition, happiness is something we all deserve, but it is not handed to us. Therefore, we must fight against the currents of destitution and winds of adversity to obtain it. During a drive around Seattle, my good friend Al asked me a thought-provoking question. “Ellard,” she said, “have you ever felt like you were walking in a dark tunnel, and no matter how long you walked, there was no sight of a light?” Her eyes welled up with tears as the pain from a recent breakup etched her face with sadness. “Yes, I did,” I answered, as I thought about my own struggles. “What did you do?” she asked. “I kept moving forward, courageously…”

Whenever we’re overtaken by pain and suffering, we must keep moving forward, courageously, even though we feel like giving in or quitting. We must remember that the lives we desire await us. Through the principles herein, we will gain the confidence and power to overcome the feelings of depression, discouragement, and hopelessness that keep us from moving on.

Hard Copies of Moving Forward, Courageously Can be Acquired at: http://ellardthomas.com/store.html

Preface

Discovering the Secrets

found life to be cold, callous—a mockery of giving. Whenever I thought I had achieved happiness, life ripped it from my grasps and handed me hopelessness and misery in return. Determined to live a fulfilling life, I pursued happiness even harder. Still, no matter how hard I worked for it, happiness appeared dimly in the far distance, as if it was beyond my reach. It took losing every dollar I had in an investment opportunity to become enlightened by the secrets to restoring happiness in my life. I had been working as a national accounts manager for a local engineering firm when the entrepreneurial bug bit me. Even though I met each sales objective, the company had no advancement opportunities available. Driven to reach financial independence, I entertained the thought of proactively pursuing another avenue. Sitting at my desk, I peered out the window, thinking about my recent losses. A month prior, I had lost my home in a painful divorce. A week later, my car had been stolen. I felt the world crumbling around me. Making money quickly had become my only focus. A call from my good friend Troy, a successful mortgage broker, presented a possible solution. “Ellard…” he said. “What is it, Troy?” I sighed. “Business is incredible. My phones are ringing off the hook! Why don’t we team up so you can make more money than you could ever make there!” “Really?” I asked, wondering if this opportunity would help me gain financial freedom. 9

Moving Forward, Courageously

“Would I ever steer you wrong?” he asked, in a fatherly manner. “Yes!” “For real?” he questioned, sounding wounded. “You’re not holding that one time against me, are you?” “No,” and I laughed. As teenagers, Troy and I envisioned owning a business together. I saw this opportunity as the materialization of two young men’s dreams. “Okay, Troy. Give me two weeks.” “Sounds good! I can’t wait to have you as my partner.” Shortly after our conversation, I informed my manager that I desired to leave. Respectfully, I put in my two weeks’ notice and joined Troy.

My Hell on Earth “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill

Shortly after partnering with Troy, a drastic change occurred in the once lucrative finance market. The flow of business suddenly ceased. Banks tightened their lending criteria, and homeowners suffered. Thoughts about returning to my former employer gained attractiveness , but thoughts of failing (and my pride) deterred me from asking for my job back. Instead, I gritted my teeth and invested a large portion of my savings into the failing business. Troy did the same. The market worsened. In debt for thousands of dollars, Troy and I could no longer fight the inevitable: We were going broke. Depression soon set in my heart. The loan applications that were approved and scheduled to be funded were cancelled by the lenders, many of whom had to go out of business. The promises of the large commission checks dissipated into thin air, along with my happiness. The last few hundred dollars in my emergency fund had to sustain me for a while. Something had to happen…and quickly.

Discovering the Secrets

Meeting Coach “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.” Colossians 4:5 (NIV) During one of our morning drives, while we were strategizing how to overcome the readjusting mortgage market, Troy pulled into the parking lot of a massive brick building. “Why are we here?” I asked, a bit upset and reluctant to get out of the car. “I thought we were going to put together an action plan.” “I need to see Coach,” he said. “Who’s Coach?” I grunted. “Coach is an old businessman who I developed a business relationship with a few years ago,” he smirked. “He would send me clients, and I would do the same for him. Besides, he told me that if I ever needed anything, I could come and see him. I spoke with him the other day and requested a favor. I’m here to collect on it.” “Whatever!” I snarled. Getting out of the car, we entered through the cherrywood door, stood in the lobby, and greeted the receptionist. “Is Coach here?” Troy asked the receptionist. “I’ll call and check,” she said. We waited a moment. “He’s in his office,” the receptionist smiled as she hung up the phone. “Thank you,” Troy grinned. “Ellard,” he turned to me, “I’ll be back.” “Where are you going?” I asked, as frustration took a stronger hold of me. “Just wait here.” I sat on the lobby couch, thumbed through a couple of business magazines. Troy returned 20 minutes later, smirking. He pulled me into a nearby office. “I’d like to ask you a question,” he said. “What?” I asked. He placed his hands on my shoulders, and stared into my eyes.

Moving Forward, Courageously

“Would you entertain an opportunity if it could help you recoup your money?” he asked. “Of course, Troy!” I answered. “What are you thinking?” “Since the lending industry isn’t doing so well,” Troy continued, “I thought you’d like to learn the commercial real estate business, and hopefully earn back everything you invested with me.” “How is that possible?” I squinted. “Coach is a multi-millionaire who’s looking to teach his business techniques to someone he can trust. I told him a lot about you, and he wants to speak with you.” “Very well,” I sighed. A stern-faced old man, with well-groomed silver hair and a beard entered the office, interrupting our conversation. “Coach,” Troy smiled, “this is my friend, Ellard.” Coach gave me a look-over.“How are you doing?” he asked. “I’m well,” I said, shaking the gentleman’s aged, but strong, hand. “Troy,” Coach said. “Leave me and E-lord.” Coach already had insulted me by mispronouncing my name. Troy exited the office. Coach and I sat at his table. “Troy tells me you’re interested in making money in the commercial real estate business,” Coach started. “Is this correct?” “Yes,” I answered. “Is money all you’re after?” Coach inquired, staring at me. “Pretty much,” I replied. “I lost everything I owned and need to do whatever I can to recover from my financial disaster.” Coach stroked his beard and gazed out the window. Moments of silence stood between us. “If I take you on as a student in this business, I need you to do me one favor.” “Anything,” I answered, thinking how this opportunity could help me out of my financial rut. Coach grinned. “Don’t quit,” he chuckled. “This business is not easy. But if you stay at it, you’ll encounter the ‘magic’ that will help you get all you desire!” An odd comment, I thought, but I had nothing to lose. “Okay,” I answered.

Discovering the Secrets

“Good,” Coach said with a wince, and got to his feet. “I hope that you’re a worthwhile risk.” “Me too,” I said. “Meet me here tomorrow,” he replied. “There’s much for us to do.” I rose to my feet and shook Coach’s hand. “Thank you for this opportunity,” I said with a smile. “I won’t let you down.” Coach escorted me out to the lounge. “What time should I be here?” I asked, standing at the door. “Early,” Coach answered. I left the building, and Troy waived me over to the car. “How was it?” he smiled. “It was okay,” I said, as I hopped in the car. “Okay?” Troy asked, surprised. “If all goes well, you’ll be working with a millionaire!” I wasn’t impressed by Coach’s massive building or his financial status. I only cared about recovering from my monetary woes.

The Lesson “Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.” John Wooden

Coach had a peculiar way of training me in the commercial real estate business. I expected that he would sit me down with a strategy, or introduce me to his business associates, as a true mentor would. I was not even close. Rather than show me the ropes (as I had hoped), he hired me as the office help, paying me less than minimum wage. Each day for a month, my job was to answer the phones, “Go there...,” “Get this...,” “Copy these...,” and “Deliver this….” I cringed with each order, wondering if he would ever reveal his real estate secrets to me.

Moving Forward, Courageously

The Secrets Revealed “An idea, to be suggestive, must come to the individual with the force of revelation.” William James

When I finally received my real estate license, I was ecstatic. I knew for sure that Coach would teach me the business. Again, I was met with disappointment. Without teaching me one skill, Coach gave me some “training” leads, and pushed this little lamb into a world of wolves. Prospective clients wouldn’t work with me. Agents, who represented properties where I brought my clients, caught a whiff of the new blood and found ways to cut me out of the deals. My efforts ended with a dwindling bank account and sorrow. I wanted to quit. I wanted to yell. However, one particular evening, something strange happened. I finally discovered the “magic” that Coach mentioned during our first meeting at my breaking point. Enlightened, I looked at Coach’s lack of direction and odd treatment as a metaphor for life. Life makes us undergo numerous pains, defeats, and losses before it reveals to us the methods by which happiness and success are acquired or restored. It purposely forces us to look within ourselves for the innate power that pushes us to overcome all of our anguish, hurt, and pain. This revelation gave me a new perspective on my current situation and my life. Coach didn’t achieve riches and the lifestyle I wanted because he was better than me. No, he had effectively and repeatedly used the “magic,” or secrets that I went on to discover. From this revelation, I became intensely determined to succeed. Regaining financial stability became an obsession. I no longer focused on my lack of money. I visualized myself replacing my empty bank account with thousands of dollars. Removed from worry and financial distress, I changed how I saw the training leads. I took the little knowledge that Coach gave me and coupled it with confidence. Although I struggled, I would tell myself, “It’s only temporary,” and keep going. My victimized mindset was replaced with the mindset of a champion. Within one year, I earned Coach’s respect and (his real estate tricks), recouped all of my losses, and started my own consulting company. This all was done by implementing the secrets of moving forward, courageously.

One

The Elements “Don’t dwell on what went wrong! Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer!” Denis Waitley

hen faced with despair, uncertainty, and sorrow stemming from loss and any other emotionally or mentally disabling challenge, many of us have the tendency to quit. We become unmotivated and unproductive. Chasing dreams become nothing more than an idea, not a desire. Restoring happiness in our lives becomes too arduous. Living becomes uneventful and repetitive. The method to overcoming life’s deviant ploys to preventing our happiness is to move forward, courageously. Moving forward is the essential key to life. A child, once born, never can return to the womb. He must move forward through the developmental stages of life, and like every other living creature at its end, make his peace with nature. Similarly, a day and night gone by never can be relived; hence, any deeds associated to their passing cannot be retracted. As nature operates on this principle, we too should apply this rule to our lives. For many of us, moving forward comes with great difficulty. Heartbreaks, financial hardships, health complications, and the losses of those we love and cherish send us into emotional tirades. In turn, we bring our lives to a standstill. “I can’t make it,” we say, as we cry miserably during the painful moments. “I can’t go on!” we yell, unable to see the opportunity of happiness beyond the fog of grief that hovers over us. We then ask the unanswerable and proverbial question: “Why me?” Thoughts pertaining to happiness soon become long forgotten as we lay underneath the emotional ruins stemming from unfortunate circumstance. 15

Moving Forward, Courageously

However, before we give up, we should consider one important fact: Time waits for no one. She will leave us without comfort and age us despite our choice not to move forward. Each moment we spend in fear, resentment, disbelief, and sorrow increases our susceptibility to failure, continued unhappiness, and many other undesirable outcomes. Therefore, to help us move forward, we need only use the power we innately possess: courage.

The Power of Courage “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” Anonymous

Courage has helped many of us face numerous challenges, rebound from losses, and surmount difficult tasks. I didn’t understand this power fully until I was faced with a challenging task as a young Marine Corps recruit. My platoon marched from the barracks to the “stairway to heaven,” a 30-foot, 90-degree ladder appearing to breach the sky. “Who out here is afraid of heights?” my drill instructor asked. My hand shot up foolishly in the air. “Very well,” he continued, “come here, Thomas.” “Sir, yes sir!” I marched over to the drill instructor and stood before him in the position of attention. “You see that ammo can at the top?” he pointed to the clouds. “Yes, sir!” “Bring it to me!” Huh? I questioned in my mind. Climb that? Didn’t I say I was afraid of heights? I could fall easily through spaces between each step. “I ain’t got all day, Thomas!” My drill instructor barked. “Hurry the hell up!” Okay, I can do this, I told myself. I’m on the first step, yippee! I looked up. Lord, have mercy on me. Don’t let me fall. My fellow recruits watched fretfully as I took another step. I nearly lost my footing, and I grabbed the pole in panic, too afraid to keep climbing.

The Elements

“I’m waiting, Thomas!” my drill instructor hollered. I inhaled deeply and looked up. So far to go. Following one reach and pull after the other, I finally reached the top. “It’s beautiful up here,” I whispered, straddling the bar for dear life. I had the ammo can, but now what? I had two hands coming up, but only one available to descend. A two-inch mat at the base of the stairway waited to catch me. It was not a thought I wished to entertain. Very slowly, I negotiated each step as I descended the ladder, praying not to fall. Following a few close calls, I made it to the ground safely, ammunition can in hand. I faced my drill instructor with my heart racing. “Very good,” he said. “Now put my damn ammo can back where you got it! What the hell, Thomas?” I stared at my drill instructor. Do it again? Heck! Why send me up there in the first place if he didn’t want it? I sighed, and then faced the difficult task before me. Ammo can securely under my left arm, I climbed once again toward the heavens, concentrating, with all my focus on succeeding. Mission completed! Following hours of torturous training, the platoon and I marched back to the barracks. As everyone settled in and prepared for class, I found my drill instructor alone in his office. “Permission to enter, sir?” I asked. “What is it, Thomas?” he stared coldly at me. “Sir,” I said, “why did you call on me to be the first to climb the stairway?” He looked around to ensure that no one else was behind me. “You were the first one to bravely admit his lack of courage,” he said with a smirk. “I needed you to be an example to the rest of the platoon. Most people rarely face their inner obstacles squarely. To you, a job well done!” “Thank you,” I said with a smile. Two recruits suddenly approached me from behind. “Now drop and give me sixty for smiling, Thomas!” he yelled. “What do you think this is, a damn comedy show?” I dropped to the floor, counting out my push ups. “Honor, courage, commitment…one…”

Moving Forward, Courageously

Life is a series of ups and downs. Throughout our lives, we’ll experience emotional highs and emotional lows. The courage necessary to ascend the ladder of happiness and joy is the same courage we must use to face the challenges and losses responsible for our emotional descents.

Courage “The key to change…is to let go of fear!” Rosanne Cash

Many dictionaries define courage as bravery, strength, fortitude, and will. For the sake of argument, courage is “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, and pain.” This is the power that helps us to move forward through the path of uncertainty and the unknown circumstances toward rebuilding our happiness. It is the energizing catalyst that promotes change—change in our attitudes, perceptions of the obstacles we face, and our current emotional and living conditions. It helps us to keep moving forward through the ashes and ruins of anguish, sorrow, heartache, sickness, and anything else that obstructs our vision of the life we desire. The following story is a powerful example of what courage is. Mrs. Johnson drives up to her house after a mother-and-daughter day at the local market. She releases her four-year old from the car seat and lets her play in the yard with her new ball. Retrieving the groceries from the car, Mrs. Johnson notices that her daughter is not in the yard. She looks around. Terrified, she sees her daughter following her ball into the middle of the street as a speeding pickup truck flies around the corner. Overcome with the fear of losing her daughter, the loving mother drops her groceries and sprints insanely to the child. With only moments to spare, she leaps through the air, grabs her daughter, and rolls to a stop. Elbows bleeding and head bruised, she looks at her daughter, ensuring she’s okay. The little child smiles as if her life had never been in jeopardy.

The Elements

There’s little we cannot do when empowered by courage. Unfortunately, many of us will only surmount difficult, dangerous, and painful obstacles when we’re forced to, or when we are in jeopardy of losing something or someone. Why then do we struggle with exuding courage to improve or restore our lives? Fear is usually to blame.

Fear—My Friend or Foe? “Always do what you are afraid to do.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Napoleon Hill, perhaps one of the most recognized inspirational figures in history, and the author of many inspiring books, such as, The Laws of Success, and the multi-million selling, Think and Grow Rich, implies that fear is the reason we fail to progress in every area of our lives. “The majority of people, if asked what they fear most, would reply, ‘I fear nothing.’ The reply would be inaccurate, because few people realize that they are bound, handicapped, whipped spiritually and mentally through some form of fear.”

Fear is nothing more than a bigmouthed bully. He takes away our hopes of happiness and smashes our thoughts of joy. He wants us to believe that rebuilding and restoring our lives is pointless or impossible. Once we have accepted this lie, we become sand tossed into the ocean—carried back and forth as the current sees fit. My childhood enemy, Rowan, served as a good example of how to face fear. Every morning before school, I would play basketball outside with my friends on our school’s outdoor court. Each morning, Rowan, a skateboard-riding, bushy redheaded boy, whose favorite pastime was shoving and beating up on the other kids, would start trouble. He’d take the littler boys’ lunch money, pull the girls’ hair, and push other boys to the ground who didn’t have money. As long as he didn’t bother me, I paid him no attention. Well, my turn finally had come. As I played with my friends in the gym, Rowan skated over to me.

Moving Forward, Courageously

“Ellard!” he yelled, as he skated towards me. “What?” I replied nervously. “Today, I want you to clean my shoes!” “Yeah, right!” I whispered. Rowan hopped off his skateboard and kicked me in the butt. I did nothing, too afraid. He laughed and kicked me again. The other kids laughed and pointed at me. Paralysis set in. My heart beat faster. Standing in the midst of chuckles and giggles, I walked away to avoid further humiliation and punishment. “Yeah, you better run, coward!” Rowan yelled, as I fought back my tears. For the next few weeks, I became Rowan’s favorite target. The kids’ laughter finally got to me and brought me to my wit’s end, but I didn’t know what to do. Upon arriving home one day, I decided that I didn’t want to be Rowan’s spectacle. I stormed into the house. “Mom,” I said, tears filling my eyes, “where are you?” “In the kitchen, Ellard.” “Mom,” I said, as I entered the kitchen, “can I talk to you?” “What, son?” she responded, cutting potatoes for dinner. “There’s this kid at school who keeps kicking me,” I said, softly. My mother stopped cutting and looked directly at me. “Why?” she asked. “It’s my turn, I guess,” I answered shamefully. “Your turn?” “Yeah, each kid gets picked on by him.” “Has anyone else fought back?” my mother asked. “None that I’ve seen!” My mother smiled warmly. “I didn’t raise cowards, Ellard,” she reminded me. “After today, this will no longer be a conversation, you understand me?” “Yes, but what am I supposed to do? I’m really scared!” “Baby,” she said lovingly, putting her hands on my shoulders. “The next time this boy kicks or hits you, I want you to punch him until you can’t punch anymore!” “Punch him?” I asked, thinking of how I’d never fought anyone.

The Elements

“Yes, the only way to deal with a bully is to fight back to show him you’re not scared. Now, go upstairs and get ready for dinner…” I had doubts about my mother’s advice, but I made up my mind to face Rowan. The morning after my conversation with my mother, I arrived at school to play with my friends. Like clockwork, Rowan rode in on his skateboard. “Hey Ellard,” he yelled, and skated towards me. “You know what to do. Bend over!” “Leave me alone,” I responded. Rowan hopped off his skateboard and walked up to me. “I will, right after this!” Rowan kicked me and laughed. I balled up my fists, thinking about what my mother had said. As Rowan stood laughing with his goons, anger overcame me. Without warning, I jabbed him in the chest. The crowd grew silent. Rowan’s eyes grew wide with surprise. I then sent a storm of left jabs and right hooks to his face, and unable to stop, I pushed him over his skateboard, causing him to fall. I fell upon him, and continued the beating. Everyone continued to watch and chanted, “Ellard…Ellard!” My teacher finally dragged me away from my bloody foe. She helped Rowan to his feet, and escorted us to the principal’s office. A three-day suspension and no more fear of Rowan were the results of that day. From that day on, no one else feared the school bully.

Like Rowan, fear is not as tough as we believe. He cannot continue to keep kicking us if we decide to fight back. Each seceding chapter reveals in detail the seven principles to help us acquire the courage we need to face our fears and improve the quality of our lives.

Hard Copies of Moving Forward, Courageously Can be Acquired at: http://ellardthomas.com/store.html

Two

Choose: The First Principle of Courage “Decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free!” Paul Tillich

he foundation our ability to move forward, courageously sits on is the power to choose. The choices we make can bring us closer to, or further from our happiness. Before I could move forward and begin healing from my divorce, overcome homelessness, and rebound from my financial loss and business failures, I had to first choose to do so.

The Power to Choose “The greatest power that a person possesses is the power to choose.” J. Martin Kohe

Despite the adversity we face, we can choose our next move. We either can choose to stand still (and let life continue on without us), or we can move forward and reshape our lives. The power to choose is truly ours. Thankfully, no one else can choose our fate. Some of us gladly would let someone else make decisions for us, because then we would have no accountability for our outcomes. If the outcomes resulted differently than we hoped for, we could blame someone else. This incredulous thinking has prevented many of us from prospering and enjoying life. We should not ever let anyone determine how to restore happiness in our own lives. Molested repeatedly and abused at the age of 11 by our stepfather, and then pushed into the unwelcoming arms of foster care, my sister 23

Moving Forward, Courageously

Shameka lived a life of confusion, shame, and hurt. Many of the girls her age who discovered her past adversity mocked her. A great majority of them claimed she would eventually become a high school dropout and a prostitute. Feeling alone, lost, and confused, Shameka chose to redirect her life. Rather than drop out of school and accept the life of a streetwalker, she earned her high school diploma and completed many other professional certifications. She is now a well-respected supervisor in the healthcare field, and she is a loving, protective mother of two beautiful daughters. “Giving up is what they expected me to do,” Shameka said. “I choose to live a life of success and happiness at my own discretion and refuse to be hindered by my past!”

There’s liberation when we use the power to choose. Many of us unknowingly are bound spiritually, mentally, and emotionally because we have not made a decision about something or someone. Fear of the unknown is the most likely reason behind this indecision. Before we can restore happiness in our lives, we must make those tough decisions. The following sections include some choices we may need to make now to start moving forward.

Choose to accept it! “I slept in denial and dreamt that the pain I endured was that of someone else! It wasn’t…it was my own…a reality I had to accept!” E. L. Thomas

Whenever disaster strikes in our lives, we have a hard time believing that we’re undergoing the painful occurrence. Somehow, we believe that ignorance of the situation will lessen the adverse impact it has on us. However, who are we kidding, really? Who are we fooling when we bury our afflicted emotions? No one but ourselves! Denial only hinders our ability to face our troubles and proceed forward. Accepting my divorce didn’t come easy. When my wife and I separated, I spent many weeks in loneliness, depression, and confusion. I had little contact with friends and family as I entered a routine of going

Choose

to work and coming home to sit in a dark, quiet bedroom. I often whispered, “This is not happening…We could work this out!” In my heart, I refused to believe that my marriage had come to an end. From my perspective, there were no irreconcilable differences—just differences common between men and women. Even though my wife had told me repeatedly that she wasn’t ever coming back home, I wouldn’t accept her statement as the truth. Committed to fixing the marriage, I invited her to dinners, requested in-person meetings, and often visited her mother’s house with the hope of rekindling our love. Disappointment followed each heart-crushing reiteration of her prior remarks. Although emotionally crushed, I kept trying. Following a year of no contact with each other, I finally had to accept and prepare for the inevitable: divorce. With sadness in my heart, I mailed her the divorce papers and a little note, which read: “Ruxpin, it is not my desire to be divorced, but I’ll set you free if you so desire. I can no longer keep us both from experiencing happiness. I apologize for not accepting this reality a year ago. I love you, take care, and goodbye!”

When we choose to accept the hurtful circumstances as they are (and not as we want them to be), we’re using the power to choose. Acceptance helps us move forward from those painful situations and begin the process of healing. With acceptance, we can proceed towards our happiness and begin to enjoy our freedom. It is a freedom from denial, and a freedom to rebuild and restore the life that was taken away from us. The longer we fail to accept reality, the longer it will take for us to move forward.

Moving Forward, Courageously

Choose to forgive “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you!” Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiving those who hurt us is difficult. Ostracizing those who cause us pain feels much better, and is easier than forgiving them. A blood-curdling scream from my sister awakens me. My heart pounds loudly. Fear grips me. “Here we go again,” I whisper nervously, jumping out of my bed, running to my sister’s bedroom, ready to face my greatest enemy. I burst through the door. “Get the hell off of her!” I holler, pushing my stepfather’s naked, black and sweaty body off my helpless, 11-year-old sister. “You lil’ muthaf—!” he slurs, struggling drunkenly to his feet, throwing on his trousers. My sister cries as she lays helplessly in the fetal position. My mother sleeps peacefully while I’m left dealing with her worthless-excuse-for-a man. “Bring your ass back here!” my stepfather yells, chasing me into my room. With nowhere to run, I cower in the corner, watching as he leans against the doorway for balance. Pants barely on his hips, eyes glowing red, he shoots at me as if he were a .45 caliber slug. Shaking, I look up at the angry, Black giant as he pulls back his sledgehammer-like fist. I inhale deeply to calm my trembling. “You’re going to learn not to f— with me!” he yells. I close my eyes. The acoustics of my siblings’ cries fill the room. I lift my chin as I wait for my unjust punishment. Clenching my teeth together, I raise my head a little higher, confidently, hoping that this would be the blow that kills me. Within seconds, his fist connects with my under-developed jaw. My tongue ricochets against my teeth. The floor catches me face first. Two mighty kicks to my stomach follow. Blood spews from my mouth.

Choose

“Get up, you lil’ faggot!” he says, picking me up by my blood-soaked t-shirt. “I didn’t do nothing!” I cry out, tears streaming from my swollen eyes. “You’re such a little bitch!” he laughs. “You could never be my son!” He places a hand around my throat, smiling and squeezing. Blacking out, I try kicking free with my last ounce of strength. It’s a useless maneuver. He’s much too strong. I’m much too small and weak. Laughing at my courageous attempt to escape, he flings me across the room. I lay trembling on the floor in a pool of blood, my head throbbing. How can God exist? I ask myself, as blood seeps from my mouth. As I lay motionless, crying heavily, my stepfather lifts me in the air once again. Pinning me against the wall, he brings his chiseled, cold face within inches of mine. “So you are the protector of the family huh?” he laughs. “You see nigga, I run this damn house. Like I told you before, you ain’t shit, and you’ll never be shit! Each time you f— with me, I’m gonna f— you up!” “So is this what a man does?” I ask in a hoarse, shaky voice. “I hope you die!” “Nigga—what?” he yells. My stepfather tosses me into a wall across the room and rushes over to prevent me from standing. Hunching over me, he cocks back his fists, preparing to punch me again. “Had enough you bastard?” he asks. I hold my peace as tears sooth my busted, dry lips. “Not so tough now, are you, Ellard?” He waits for a few moments, turns off the light, and exits my room. “Now go to sleep,” he yells from the hallway. My six-year-old brother rushes to my aid. “We don’t deserve this hell,” I whisper, as my head rests against his. “I wouldn’t wish this on any child.” “I know big bro. It’ll get better,” he comforts. “It hasn’t gotten better yet, Vamp!” I struggle to speak. “It keeps getting worse!” My brother’s tears fall onto my swollen left eye. I close my eyes,

Moving Forward, Courageously

trying to figure out what I possibly could have done to receive such abuse. What did my sister ever do to be sexually abused by a grown man? “Take my life now, Lord,” I whisper, unable to move. “I want to die!” Within moments, my pain suddenly subsides. A sense of peace veils me. Is this heaven? God, are you there? Finally, no more anguish and pain. A terrifying shriek from my mother brings me back to a harsh reality: I’m not dead. I’m still in this miserable existence. Weak, I gently push away my brother and stand to my feet , holding my aching left side. “What did I do?” my mother hollers. Two sonic-boom slaps follow her question. “Stay here,” I say to my brother. “Don’t move.” “Okay,” he says. I head to the hallway, bouncing back and forth between walls to keep from falling. “Mom,” I cry as I’m within a few steps of her room. I enter my mother’s bedroom. She cowers in the corner, her nightgown ripped, her nose and lip bleeding. I jump onto my stepfather’s back as he pulls back his fist. It’s an admirable, but useless gesture. As if I weigh nothing, he tosses me onto my mother, causing our heads to collide. She and I hold each other as the enraged demon approaches us. The siren-like cries of my three-year-old brother and sister muffles my stepfather’s verbal assaults, but they don’t stop his rapture. “Leave us alone!” my mother cries hysterically as my stepfather reaches for me. I kick his hand away. Perhaps this wasn’t the right thing to do. Infuriated, he pulls me onto the floor, takes a two-by-four from the bed, and breaks it across my back. I cry out at the pain. He laughs and then drags my mother by her ankles. “Get up, bitch,” he growls. “Cheetah, why are you doing this?” she screams. Two knocks on the front door interrupt my stepfather’s tirade. Flashing red and blue lights pierce through the bedroom curtains. My stepfather winces and places his foot on the back of my neck. “You betta tell them nothing is wrong, or I will kill your son, you understand me?” he says quietly as he cuffs my mother’s arm.

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“Okay, Cheetah, whatever you say!” my mother says, wiping away the blood and tears with a towel. “Just don’t hurt my baby…” I roll my swollen eyes upward. My little brother, Chris, cries as he trembles in the doorway, reaching out for me. I can only close my eyes and regret the fact that I am not strong enough to protect him, my mother, or my sister.

For over 15 years, I hated Cheetah with every fabric of my soul. I hated the fact that he took my 11-year-old sister’s innocence. I hated that he caused the separation of my siblings and our coerced stay in foster care. Moreover, I hated myself for not being strong enough to protect my family. I would’ve died proudly if my death would have prevented the turmoil we endured. As I grew older, I eventually lost myself in the wilderness of adverse emotions. Tainted by anger and insecurity, I unknowingly pushed away love and blocked out any thoughts of happiness. Following a few years of spiritual counseling, which helped me overcome my divorce and many other personal challenges, I had the opportunity to face my stepfather once again. Sitting and talking in a local diner, I learned that life had given him the justice that I couldn’t. He lived in a homeless shelter, had become disabled, and had to register as a sex offender everywhere that he resided. However, to help me close this particular chapter in my life, I asked him about the reasons behind his past behavior. He blamed it on drugs, alcohol, his abusive childhood, and his lack of control. With tears streaming down my face, I stared into his sorrow-filled eyes and said, “I forgive you, and hope God has mercy on you.” Forgiving him exhausted me, but it was necessary to start healing. Many of us cannot forgive the people who have violated us, because forgiveness is not a natural, but a spiritual design. Naturally, we want revenge when someone is disrespectful to us or hurts us. This type of thinking never results in true freedom. It keeps us bound and unable to enjoy love and happiness. Have you forgiven your violators? Have you forgiven yourself? Understand that happiness is not possible until we learn how to forgive.

Moving Forward, Courageously

Choose to love “On the meadows of sorrow lays my heart, waiting to be connected to its rightful owner!” Donell Thomas

We all have disheartening tales about how we invested our time, money, and emotion into our lovers and spouses only to end up in emotional ruins, right? Right! What kind of changes occurred? Our eating habits may have changed—eating very little or shoveling every fattening morsel we can find into our mouths. We became confused, unsure of our next move. We often questioned what we had done to be abandoned, feeling a loss of self value. Following my divorce, I vowed not to get close to anyone again. Surprisingly, I broke such a promise. Milana and I had known each other since we were 15 years old, but didn’t return to each other’s lives until the demise of my marriage. As I faced losing everything I worked hard for, she had become my confidant—my queen. Her gentleness of character and compassionate heart (as well as her other attractive qualities), and her darling daughters helped me overcome the pain of my loss. Sadly, a relationship with much promise never evolved into the beauty for which we had hoped. Outside interferences and influences, failure to consult God, stubbornness, strong differences of perspectives, and a lack of effective communication broke the thin stilts that carried our relationship hopes. Although intimately compatible and spiritually connected, we failed to overcome the obstacles that stood before us. Despite my familiar feelings of rejection, sadness, anger and betrayal, I still had to remain hopefully optimistic. Shielding my heart only to prevent myself from being hurt again would keep me from ever experiencing the love I rightfully deserved. Through each disheartening and emotionally crippling breakup, I have learned how to become a better student of love. I have become compassionately wiser, more attuned and sensitive to a woman’s needs, and increased my desire to become more understanding. Fortunately, after I healed, I mustered up the strength to love again and found a wonderful woman.

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There is nothing more equally fulfilling and confusing than love. Its power stems beyond our own understanding. Despite how we define this intangible force, love is much deeper than the three words of “I love you” to reassure our feelings for our mates or the sexual activities we engage in to please each other’s physical needs. It is sacrificial, forgiving, kind, humbling, and long-suffering. It is accepting our mates’ faults, understanding their places in our lives, and making them feel desired, appreciated, and welcomed. Sadly, many of us are not experiencing this beautiful gift for several reasons. One, our love is conditional, which means we’ll stay with our mates for our own benefit, that of financial security, status, or any other reason that overlooks the heart, mind, and soul of an individual. The slightest threat to any selfish reason for our commitment will send us on our merry way. In the interim, we’ll devalue our mates for failing to maintain the atmosphere to which we were drawn. Two, the people we want are rarely the same people to whom we are attracted. As a man, for example, my heart’s desire maybe a woman who is great with finances, intellectually stimulating, beautiful, loves God, desires to travel, and knows her purpose. However, I may find myself desiring a woman who has a great-looking body, speaks with profanity often in conversation, still has intimate ties with her children’s fathers, and presents other qualities that would suggest our incompatibility. Likewise, a woman may desire in her heart a man who is sensitive, ambitious, loving, trustworthy, and who desires God in his life. However, she finds herself gravitating to men who often lie, are verbally and physically abusive, cheat, and have no or low ambitions. Why do we find ourselves giving ourselves to these people? We either: a) see their potential to become the actual people we desire; b) have told ourselves that we do not deserve the people we truly want; or c) believe that having the people we desire in our life is not possible. As a result, we find ourselves spending countless years of loving partners who may never reciprocate the same. Three, we have loved as much as we could in the past, only to be abused, defiled, mistreated, abandoned, and cheated on by the persons to whom we had given our hearts. We have been taken advantage of and often felt unappreciated. Therefore, we detest the thought of ever loving again. The pain and exhaustion we had experienced in the past keeps us from being open to the possibility of, “There’s someone right out there for me!” If in fact we do feel

Moving Forward, Courageously

this way, we must consider the people we have chosen to bring into our lives. The problem seldom lies in the people we choose, but rather within ourselves. There’s no reason for us to emotionally alienate ourselves from a world that has an abundant supply of people who can fulfill our amorous caprices. Regardless of the pain we suffered in past relationships, we are entitled to have love in our lives without letting fear hinder us. Let us use each painful experience as emotional sandpaper, refining our visions of love.

Choose to dream again “Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.” Ashley Smith

Issues of life have forced many of us to place our dreams on the retrospective shelf of “What if?” and lean on excuses and alibis. Regardless of our circumstances, we can still fulfill our dreams. As a child, I dreamt about becoming an influential speaker, writer, and businessman. I would remove myself mentally from my abusive and impoverished surroundings, go to my room, and fantasize about encouraging kids and other people to overcome tragedy . Although I did not know how I would attain such hopeful ambitions, I never forgot about my dream; I am now living it .

Why do we throw our dreams away? Is it because they appear too far out of reach? Sometimes, we let our obstacles distract us, and we care too much about what others may say, instead of focusing on our desires. Rather than let our dreams die or fall by the wayside, what if we did something crazy like entertain the thought of bringing them to life? What if we were to violate the rules of our current situations and take a chance on doing what we love? We actually may become successful. Although this is the case, many of us will never live out our dreams, thanks to Ol’ Man Because. Ol’ Man Because is a dream killer. Whenever we decide to pursue our desires, he poisons us with ridiculous excuses. Dreams are then put to rest,

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never to awaken again. Here are a few common excuses that Ol’ Man Because uses to suffocate our ambitions: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Because I’m too old… Because I don’t have enough money… Because I don’t have the time… Because I can’t do it… Because the timing is wrong… Because I will next time… Because it takes money to make money… Because I have a handicap… Because I’m divorced… Because I’m too depressed… Because I don’t speak well… Because I’ve been bankrupt… Because I have horrible credit… Because no one wants me… Because I’m out of a job… Because I’m scared… Because something may happen... Because I’ve been incarcerated… Because I don’t have a degree… Because they don’t want me to succeed… Because I made some bad decisions… Because of the economy…

Despite our current circumstances, we have the innate power to bring any dream we have into reality. Afflictions and challenges only will stop us if we allow them. Remember, the beautiful cities and the relaxing shorefronts we see in the world began as dreams. Shouldn’t we begin living out ours?

Moving Forward, Courageously

Choose to take action “Take action when opportunity offers its hand.” Thomas Donald

Restoring happiness is done by taking action, never by procrastination. Some of us delay moving forward in certain areas of our lives because we fail to take action. “I will wait until…” “Some day, I will begin…” “One of these days…”

Waiting for the right time to take the steps necessary to restoring happiness in our lives may never come. The right time is always now, and not later . Therefore, we can either choose to be as Myron, the ant, or Willy, the grasshopper. During the spring and summer months, Myron goes out into the fast-paced world, full of monstrous obstacles and challenges, to ensure his well-being. Failing to complete his goal is not an option. The heated pavements and the long hours of the day attempt to overtake him as he marches across the treacherous plains. He finds nothing. Instead of quitting, he grows more determined, focused. Legs aching and feet tender with blisters, he continues to move forward. Nearly defeated, he sees large amounts of food at the top of a hill. “Wow!” he says, gasping for breath, but excited. “Only a few more feet to go,” he whispers with confidence, overcoming fatigue. Sweating profusely, he climbs to the top and throws his arms in the air. “The fight was worth it,” he cries in triumph. Willy, on the other hand, plays and enjoys the sunshine of the spring and summer months, using his time unwisely and unproductively. He believes there is no harm in waiting another day. Rather than taking action like his friend, Myron, he borrows from others and puts off work another day. “I know I should be working, but I can do it tomorrow,” he says. “I have plenty of friends to help me if I need anything!”

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Enjoying a life without care, Willy fails to see how the days have gone by. Another day becomes weeks, and the weeks become months. Willy soon faces the inclemency of the autumn and winter seasons, realizing his poor decision for not acting sooner. Facing hunger and shelter issues, he scurries among the wet and frosted terrains, hoping the opportunities once available during the sunny months again will present themselves; they never do. Tired and weak, Willy pays a visit to Myron, begging to come in. Myron shakes his head and closes the door. Willy freezes and starves, with nothing to show from his days of play, because he failed to take action.

This short story distinguishes the difference between those of us who choose to, and those of us who fail to take action. Many of us, like Myron, will rebuild our businesses and reinvest in our dreams, despite our past or current financial failures. We’ll say, “I’ve had enough,” and find ways to restore the happiness and joy we deserve. The rest of us, like Willy, will end our days in regret, anguish, and unhappiness because we didn’t take advantage of the time we had. We’ll say, “Maybe tomorrow,” and continue to say this as each day comes. Choosing to take action is a lifestyle. While many of us will remember the importance of rebuilding our lives and look for opportunities that will help us achieve our desires, others will find reasons to remain idle. Whether we choose to take action or choose to procrastinate, we should not be surprised by our results!

Choose to have faith “Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof.” Kahlil Gibran

Ever wonder what to do next when everything around you is falling apart? Ever notice that no matter what you do to make a situation better, it seems to worsen? The key to surviving the storms in our lives is to have faith. Some think “faith” means to believe in God or a higher power. This is true, to an extent. Having faith means to believe in both—without doubt—the unconquerable spirit within us, and the higher, spiritual power above us.

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I thought many times about quitting the commercial real estate industry. Coach’s behavior and lack of direction infuriated me. Fed up, and ready to tell Coach a thing or two, I called my pastor, Gary Hay, Sr. “Please pick up the phone,” I whisper, hands shaking. “Hello,” my pastor answers. “Hey Pastor, it’s Ellard.” “How’s it going,” he responds. “I’m done with being here!” There was no response. “Hello,” I say, making sure the call hadn’t dropped. “I’m here,” Pastor says. “Well?” I say, growing agitated. “Ellard, I don’t think God brought you all the way up there for this not to work out in your best interest.” “Well before you jump ahead of yourself, let me tell you what’s going on…” I open up the flood gates on my pastor. I let him know how rude and ornery Coach has become. I really want him to give me the “OK” to leave. He doesn’t. Instead, he asks two questions: “Preach,” he says, a name I inherited under his ministry. “Have you achieved the goal you set out for?” “Umm, no!” I answer, rolling my eyes. “Are you willing to live with the idea of quitting before you achieved it?” “No,” I grunt. “Well, despite all the things that are going on, remember you are a child of the Most High. Do you remember the attributes that God has given you as stated in ‘2nd Timothy’?” “Yes…‘For he has given us a spirit of power, and of love, and a sound mind,” I recite. “So you know your power lies in faith. Faith will get you through when circumstances appear to prevail or dominate you.” “You’re right,” I mumble. “Very well. Remember, faith without works is dead!” “Thank you, Pastor.” “Alright!”

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I place my cell phone in my upper breast pocket and walk around the block a couple of times, mulling over our conversation. My pastor was right. I couldn’t leave until I had accomplished all I set out to do. I had to trust in God and His spirit within me to succeed.

To operate in faith, we must do all we can to achieve our desires with the outlook of, “It will happen eventually.” Even when situations depict pictures of failure or sadness, we must keep moving forward, with faith, through the obstacles set before us. In addition to other activities, we must have faith while pursuing our happiness. We must “cast our cares on the lord…” as Psalm 5:22 tells us. This means that we are to do whatever we can to better our situation, but to eventually “Let go, and let God” handle the rest. Sometimes, we try too hard to get what we want.

How to live in faith Living in faith is not an easy task, because it requires us to focus on believing in the unknown future. • First, we must believe in our hearts and minds that we deserve happiness, love, and success. Remember that the happiness we seek may come by another method other than what we’re trying. It may not be found in our current lovers, jobs, or business ventures. For this reason, we must open our minds to all possibilities. • Second, once we believe in our hearts and minds that we are entitled to be happy, we must speak it into existence. We must say, with absolute conviction, “I will achieve my ultimate desire of_______!” Unfortunately, our current circumstances try to muffle us from speaking our beliefs into reality. • Finally, again we must believe that our desires will come to fruition despite the problems in our lives. The challenges we face help prepare us for the lives we desire. They may make us better, stronger, and more creative. We need to keep this in mind as we are pursuing our ideal lives.

Moving Forward, Courageously

We cannot control the unexpected circumstances that cause us grief. However, we can start rebuilding our happiness through faith. Believe it! Speak it! Believe it! Again!

Choose not to look back “Every man has a past. Whatever actions, words, deeds, challenges, and problems that lay dormant in the bed of yesterday should remain there eternally and only be called to memory for a purpose.” Ellard Thomas

Hurt and suffering play a number of tricks on us. These emotions push us into thinking something is wrong with us when nothing really is. We’re human! We inevitably will be hurt by others, just as we’ll hurt others as well, whether intentionally or unintentionally. A good friend once told me something baffling. She said that she enjoyed replaying the way she was treated wrongfully because it helped remind her how undeserving of happiness she was. This is her story: My husband hadn’t touched me affectionately in months. He was always out on business, but I understood. He was a great provider and an even greater father. However, when he came home, after weeks of traveling, he didn’t respond to me (as I would have liked him to). I didn’t want to think that he was having affair, so I did what a good wife should do: ignored those thoughts and continued my seduction. I’d wear his favorite lingerie, spray on the perfume that he likes, and accent the room with candles and roses, with the hopes that he’d ravage me. One night as I rubbed his back and kissed his neck, he stood up. Looking at me as if I detested him, he said the most hurtful words imaginable to a loving wife and devoted mother. As he faced the wall, I asked him the source of his sorrow. Refusing to respond, he returned to the bed and stared emotionlessly into my eyes. “There’s no better time to tell you this,” he said, “but I’m in love with another woman who’s carrying my child…” Sitting on the bed shocked, I couldn’t respond. He, on the other hand, apologized and walks out. I stormed after him, screaming, “What

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did I do? Whatever it is, I can fix it!” He looked back at me, grabbed the car keys, and proceeded to leave. I was left with nothing but unanswered questions in my head. From that day on, I wondered what I did wrong. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe he wasn’t attracted to me anymore…

At this writing of this book, Julia and her husband have been divorced for five years, and she continues to wonder what she did wrong. Obsessed with the thought that her marriage ended as a result of her actions, she remains saddened by her loss. She refuses to look ahead to the possibility of a great future with someone else. Julia hadn’t done anything wrong. Her husband had lost his marital integrity and desired the “challenge” of being with a younger woman. Rather than see the beautiful woman she is, Julia took on the burdens of her husband’s insecurities as her own. She fails to see how deserving she is of a man who can appreciate her affectionate and compassionate ways. Whenever we look back, we cannot see the blessings before us. Memories seduce us into reliving the “good old days” or the “days we hate, but can’t let go,” until we stop progressing through life. Some of us look back to find reasons and excuses for why we behave destructively or engage in unproductive activities. As life continues to move forward, we too must do the same. We cannot continue to chase after the mates who have chosen to leave us. We cannot return to the jobs from which we were released. We cannot continue to sulk over fallen business ventures. We cannot continue to live under the umbrella of guilt and shame stemming from the mistakes we made. We can only move forward and choose not to look back!

Moving Forward, Courageously

The Choice is Ours â&#x20AC;&#x153;Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.â&#x20AC;? Cherie Carter-Scott

Nervousness and unease about the uncertain future is normal, but these feelings may hinder our ability to move forward. Choosing is the foundation that our ability relies on to rebuild and restore happiness in our lives. Making decisions, no matter how tough, brings us closer to our desires. We can determine if we deserve better lives by the choices we make from now and into the future. If we fail to choose, we fail to progress.

Hard Copies of Moving Forward, Courageously Can be Acquired at: http://ellardthomas.com/store.html

Three

Oppose Failure: The Second Principle of Courage “But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.” Paulo Coelho

n the previous chapter, we looked at some of the decisions we may need to make to start restoring our lives. Inevitably, we will face opposition. As this is so, should we give up and return to our states of unhappiness, depression, and discontentment? Absolutely not! We must oppose failure so that we can become triumphant and victorious. I had reached the age of “foster care” maturity, which means the foster care system no longer was responsible for my well-being. While living with my best friend’s mother, (my Godsend who kept me from living on the streets), my youngest brother’s caseworker requested to meet with me. I didn’t want to see her, or anyone else from the child welfare office for that matter, because no one helped me find a place to live following my stint in the “system.” After learning that she wanted to discuss my baby brother, I accepted the invitation. Nausea overcame me as I stared disgustedly at this insensitive woman. According to her, the state found adoption the next logical move for an eight-year-old boy who has been bounced between foster homes since the age of three. 41

Moving Forward, Courageously

Remembering a promise I made to my mother of watching over the family, I asked how I could stop the adoption process. Instead of telling me about state-provided assistance, she suggested that I join the military. Join the military? The woman was crazy. I had no respect for my state government, let alone the federal government. “Mrs. Jackson,” I sighed. “Is this the only option?” “Right now, it is,” she said with a smirk. “What if I continue working and get a place of my own? Would this help?” “I’ll tell you this,” she says. “We’ll monitor your progress for a year. Is this fair?” “I suppose…” I became the assistant manager for Blue Chip Cookies, making $6.25 an hour. A year had come and gone, and I hadn’t reached my financial goal. I felt my chance at getting my brother slip away. At my wit’s end, I called my brother’s caseworker.“Mrs. Jackson,” I said with tears in my eyes, “I will join the military if you promise to forfeit the adoption process. I really want my brother.” “I’m glad to hear this,” she said. I hung up the phone, and cried miserably about not getting the chance to fly away to college. Willing to do anything to get my brother, I joined the Marine Corps the next day. Joining the military jump-started a series of challenges I had to undergo to get my brother. After returning to Seattle from my military obligations, I met with my brother’s caseworker. I showed her bank statements and my apartment lease. Unaware of the foster care process, I learned I had to attend many more classes to ensure I knew how to effectively handle a child with special needs. I cooperated with my brother’s caseworker to the best of my ability. I completed the recommended foster care classes, underwent numerous home inspections, and took additional classes as suggested. After months of playing “caseworker says” I wanted to quit. I felt defeated, an emotional wreck. I didn’t understand this horrible process. I’d watched news stories about how criminal foster parents, who slid through the system, hurt children. However, I, never having hurt

Oppose Failure

anyone ever, had to prove my self-worth. I didn’t want anyone else; I just wanted my brother. Despite having no criminal record and sacrificing my chance to attend college, I spent countless hours doing what was asked of me. In the midst of frustration, I pondered quitting. My friend, Ce Ce, helped change my mind. “Ellard,” she said, as she wiped the tears from my eyes. “I know this is hard for you, and you’ve already sacrificed so much. I will continue to support you in whatever decision you make, but I know you’ve come too far to give up now!” “You don’t understand,” I whimpered. “Why do I have to do all of this bullsh—? I don’t know anyone else who had to undergo this crap!” “Perhaps, but you have an opportunity to give your brother a better future. Besides, the Ellard I know will rise above this and make good on his promise. You said you wanted him before he turned thirteen, right?” “Right.” “Well, that’s only a few months away. So get this done and bring your brother home…” Ce Ce kissed my forehead and then stared lovingly at me. Her sincerity and compassion triggered something within me. Once she left the room, I lifted my head up and felt reenergized. I had made a commitment and couldn’t let obstacles stop me from fulfilling it. With a different perspective on the situation, I finished all the classes I needed. My brother came to live with me six months prior to his thirteenth birthday. I didn’t allow failure to overtake me.

Failure has a sneaky way of taunting us the moment we make decisions to bettering our lives. It doesn’t want us to prevail, rather to fail. If we accept hopelessness, we then have chosen to set aside our desires.

Moving Forward, Courageously

Give Up on Giving Up “No one attains perfection by merely giving up work.” Bhagavad Gita

Many of us, at any sign of opposition, give in to failure too quickly. Rather than stand and fight tirelessly to stick with the decisions we’ve made, we surrender. A majority of us see our obstacles as too overwhelming and challenges too threatening. Regardless of how difficult the task, we have the ability to overcome. During one Christmas season, I received a call from a friend I hadn’t heard from in quite some time. The tone of his voice shocked me, because he was normally an even-keel person. “Ellard,” he says, obviously sorrowful. “Yes,” I answer, a little concerned. “Things are not going as I had hoped,” he says. “Tell me what’s going on…”

I listened as one of the strongest men I knew fell apart emotionally over the phone. He had struggles in both his family and professional life. He desired to throw up his hands and leave everything—everyone. “JR,” I respond, as he sighs. “I’ve known you for many years, and never knew you to quit anything.” “But this time, I’ve had enough!” he hollers. “Had enough—of what?” “Her…the kids…the job…my life!” I allowed silence to play its part on the phone. “JR,” I say calmly, “if you’re going to give up on something—give up on giving up!” Again, silence took over. I waited for him to respond. “Ellard, you’re absolutely right! I never looked at it that way. Yeah, I should give up on giving up…”

I must have struck a chord in JR’s heart. His tone changed almost

Oppose Failure

immediately. Within moments, he started to speak about looking at his situations differently. He chose not to let failure prevail.

80/20 Rule of Happiness and Success “Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” Epictetus

The Pareto Principle, also known as the 80/20 Rule and the “law of vital few,” indicates that 80 percent of our outcomes stem from 20 percent of our inputs. Essentially, there are certain activities we do or thoughts we have (our 20 percent) that account for the majority (80 percent) of our happiness or destruction. Here’s an example to better illustrate this topic: If I was to only focus on my problems for a part of my day (20 percent), I may encounter nothing but challenges (80 percent). Better yet, if I decided to do a few destructive activities because of my dissatisfaction with my life (20 percent), I may experience other unfavorable conditions stemming from my behavior (80 percent).

Basically, our happiness and success are predicated on what we do and think. The more attention we give to our thoughts and actions, whether negative or positive, the more likely we are to receive the results or consequences of either.

Understanding Temporary Defeat “Opportunity often comes in disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat.” Napoleon Hill

Whenever we devote our energy to achieving financial stability, love, or anything else to which we tie happiness, but receive undesirable outcomes, we believe that we have failed. This is not necessarily true.

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Failure is a state of mind, the outcome of when we become overwhelmed by the pressures of adverse circumstances to the extent that we quit. Overcome with the fatigue of trying, we believe that our attempts are futile and see our challenges as impossible to get through. Often times, impossibility is nothing more than our own perceptions. Little do we know, it’s not failure that we often meet; it is temporary defeat. It’s difficult to distinguish the differences between temporary defeat and failure because the results of the two appear the same, but they’re not. Whereas, failure is the result of choosing not to go on, temporary defeat includes obstacles that are meant to bring out our inner power and to see our circumstances from other perspectives. It urges us to change or reconsider our initial plans for success, remember the people we lean on for support, and to rethink our initial perceptions on our situations. Temporary defeat resembles failure because it disguises two elements we often overlook: turning points and setbacks.

Turning points “The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.” Max Lerner

An online medium defines turning points as, “events marking a unique or important historical change of course or one on which important developments depends.” Essentially, turning points are the emotionally, spiritually crippling events over which we have no control and cannot prevent from happening, such as the loss of loved ones and sudden illnesses. Standing with his friends, a young boy watches a car with tinted windows drive slowly up the street. A masked individual pokes his head out the window, aims a semi-automatic weapon at a nearby phone booth, and opens fire. Bystanders drop to the ground to avoid becoming victims. The 18-year-old man using the phone is not so lucky. Blood splatters on the phone booth windows as he lies and shakes on the cement floor. Witnessing this horrific scene, the young boy and his friends run to the teenager’s aid. Crying aloud, the boy drops to

Oppose Failure

his knees, cups the young man’s head and yells, “Someone help my brother!”

From the day of witnessing the slaying of his oldest brother, Matt became a neighborhood menace. Once a student who prided himself on academic achievement, Matt lost all hope of becoming an engineer. He often skipped school, engaged in petty fights, and sold drugs. Without his oldest brother’s encouragement, he had become lost and confused. Life no longer held any appeal. The painful loss of his brother had blinded him from seeing a promising future. One of the school’s counselors requested that I speak to him, to see if I could help him. I obliged. Sitting in a room, I wait for Matt. Loud, vulgar language from the hallway lets me know he has arrived. His counselor escorts him in to the room then leaves. Twisting his lips, Matt seats himself in a chair farthest away from me. I smile. “Matt,” I say. “I’m Ellard.” “So?” he says, folding his arms. “I’ve seen you around school. Why in the hell am I in here? This is supposed to be detention.” “This is, but your counselor requested that we talk to each other.” “What the f— for?” “I know how you feel,” I say, remembering the brutal death of my cousin. “Know how I feel? You don’t know anything about me! No one knows how the f— I feel!” “I know you’re angry because you lost your brother a couple of years ago!” Matt’s eyes fill with tears. He rises from his seat and stomps towards the door. “I’m out of here!” he yells. “I was only a freshman when my cousin died…” I begin telling my story, closing my eyes. “Two weeks prior to his death, we had an altercation with some thugs over a misunderstanding. Trying to refrain from escalating the situation, my cousin tried to excuse himself and mind his own business. One of the guys sucker-punched him in the face…This started a massive brawl…” Matt returns to his seat, scowling. I continue. “And two weeks later,

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as we discussed my plans following graduation, we heard two gunshots. My cousin shoved me to the ground, falling on top of me moments later. He died in the ambulance…”

Matt and I continued to share our hurt feelings. He didn’t really want to behave as an out-of-control teenager, but destructive, lewd behavior was his outlet. However, to help him move forward, I told him to remember the encouraging words of his brother, and to consider his loss as a turning point to achieving his lifelong desire. Following numerous one-on-one meetings together, Matt promised to return his focus to achieving his goal of becoming an engineer. Impressively, by his senior year, he had received an academic scholarship to a university of his choice and became an advocate to stopping youth violence. The death of Matt’s brother was a pivotal point in his life. Could he have controlled, or prevented, his brother’s death? No, but Matt believed he had failed because he couldn’t stop the tragic event from happening. How many times have we “felt” like failures because we couldn’t prevent something disastrous from happening to those we love? We cannot predict the moment when we will lose the people in our lives to the circumstances out of our control. Still, loss has an unpleasant way of making us feel like failures despite this truth. The more responsibility we take for the circumstances we cannot control, the deeper into depression we’ll sink and the angrier we’ll become. Eventually, we’ll lose faith, hope, and the desire for living, as we turn to destructive activities. Despite the point where we are in our lives right now, we can turn around our situations by moving forward while working through our pain. In the memory of those we lost, we owe it to them (and ourselves) to move on.

Setbacks “People who make money often make mistakes, and even have major setbacks, but they believe they will eventually prosper, and they see every setback as a lesson to be applied in their move towards success.” Jerry Gillies

Oppose Failure

Setbacks are opportunities that allow us to rethink, reconsider, and revamp our plans for restoring our lives. Setbacks include losses of money and material possessions, unexpected family changes, and the collapse of business ventures. For example, a few perceivably bad investments should not prevent us from researching other financial vehicles that can help us achieve our financial destinies. New additions to the family should not prevent us from acquiring our dreams. Moreover, layoffs from our jobs should not keep us from exploring our talents from which we may earn a living. Young and ambitious, Devin and a few acquaintances seek to increase their wealth by investing in the commodities market. They reap financial rewards almost instantly. Overconfident about the business opportunity, Devin and his friends hope to double their earnings by investing everything they had left. The aggressive move results in financial disaster. Shrugging their shoulders, Devin’s acquaintances return to their affluent families, seeing their losses as no big deal. With no one to help him, though, Devin is left to cope with his misfortune. Sitting alone in a hotel room, Devin ponders his next move. With about fifty dollars in his wallet, he looks out the window, tears breaking through the slants of his eyes. “What have I done?” he asks, terrified about his uncertain future. Staring out the window, Devin remembers his rebellious youth. He never accepted undesirable conditions before, and had always found a way to change them. Rather than continuing to mope, he lifts his head, inhales deeply, and grabs a pen and a sheet of notebook paper. For over two hours, he writes a list of his attributes, passions, and the names of a few acquaintances (that he hopes will support him with his vision), and creates a business plan. Following a few years of dedication and fortitude, he becomes a wealthy real estate investor.

After losing his money, Devin could have given up and accepted failure, but he didn’t. He had a vision of becoming a wealthy business man, and he achieved it! However, unlike his acquaintances, Devin adhered to the chant of his inner champion: “I will not fail!” Setbacks are not designed necessarily to make us fail, but to help us make

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successful plans based on previous attempts. They force us to dig deeper, open our eyes wider, and push us to focus harder. Some may disagree, and rightfully so, but how would we ever know the measure of our true strength if we achieved every goal and desire without challenges? We wouldn’t! The failing housing market left builders like Danny Sorencho with financial grief. As financial institutions faced going out of business, he too was forced to foreclose on each of his housing projects, all except one—the abandoned five-bedroom home he and his father built years ago. Standing in front of the ghostly structure (in dire need of a new roof, windows, railings, and other aesthetic repairs), Danny closes his eyes and remembers the days of working by his father’s side. He remembers his father saying, “Anything can be built if you have the mind to build it! As long as you have your wits about ya, the two hands God gave ya, and a reason to do it, that’s all you really need!” Following a deep breath and smile, Danny looks at the 2,800-square-foot eyesore and makes a decision to use his remaining resources to beautify the aged dwelling. However, upon completing the finishing touches, Danny gets a vision of starting a remodeling and consulting firm, and he uses his rebuilt home as his office.

Setbacks can give us vision of how we can improve and restore our lives, as they did for Danny. Through setbacks, we can return to the abandoned areas of our lives that require our attention. Love and dreams are only a couple of examples. We shouldn’t ponder too heavily on what went wrong during these moments, but we should take into consideration the lessons we learned. This knowledge will influence how we negotiate our future. Rather than ask defeating questions, such as, “Why me?” we should ask ourselves more empowering questions: “How can I make this situation work for me?” ”What can I do now to get closer to where I want to be?” “How do I rise from this?” If we ask questions like these, our minds will remove themselves from their victimized states, and give us the plans we need to move forward.

Oppose Failure

Committing to the End Result “It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” William Shakespeare

Unfortunately, many of us see setbacks and turning points as reasons to quit. Giving up is not difficult for those who already look for a reason to do so. However, as long as we look for a reason to quit, we’ll be met with a laundry list of excuses from which to choose. Our ability to persevere through challenges and adversity is based on our level of commitment to our end results. If we are so-so about attaining a happier, more blissful life (after experiencing setbacks and turning points), we’ll be thrown off course no matter how small or great the pain, challenge, or obstacle facing us. However, if we are focused strongly on achieving our end results, we will find ways to regain our emotional balance and move forward through the hurt that pressures us to quit. If we desire love, we will discover a way to receive it. If we want to regain financial security, we’ll search deep within ourselves to find the talents or ideas to help us attain it. We must have a strong commitment our end result. Waiving to her friends in the crowd, Lisa takes her mark on the track, hoping to keep her undefeated record in the 200-meter hurdles. Staring straight ahead and positioned to take off, Lisa waits for the sound of the cap gun. “Runners on your mark,” the heavyset referee yells. “Get set….” He pulls the trigger. Lisa dashes to the lead, jumping over the first set of hurdles, and then the second. It appears she’ll claim victory once again. In midair, Lisa gets a cramp in her right leg and lands hard on the hurdle, dropping to the dusty track. Her trainer darts out to her rescue. Rather than let him assist her, Lisa pushes him away and stands on her feet. In agony, she finishes the race in last place. Sitting on the bleachers, rocking back and forth in pain, and knee bleeding, Lisa looks up at me as I approach her.“Why didn’t you step off the track?” I ask. “Clearly, everyone would’ve understood if you couldn’t finish.”

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Lisa looks up at me with her sparkling, hazel eyes. “Everyone but me,” she says with a smile. “A true champion must complete the race despite opposition. Sure, I’m hurt, but finishing meant more to me than these bruises. Even though I came in last place, I still won in my heart and mind.”

Like Lisa, we all have a race to finish. Some of us, right now, are bruised and feeling the pains from falling on the hurdles of life. Collapses of relationships and economic status, losses of loved ones, and sudden strikes of illness may cause us to cry and hobble for a moment, but we will heal. Despite our scars, we must get back in the race and finish.

A Champion’s Creed to Opposing Failure “Champions do not become champions when they win the event, but in the hours, weeks, months and years they spend preparing for it. The victorious performance itself is merely the demonstration of their championship character” T. Alan Armstrong

Opposing failure is a never-ending battle. Each day presents new ways to preventing us from experiencing happiness. At any moment, we may encounter situations that will make us feel hopeless, discouraged, and vulnerable, yet, we must not quit! Champions have a creed by which they live their lives. Therefore, each of us should take heed to the creed below and sign it. Today is our day to become the champions we are.

Oppose Failure

I, _________________________, hereby agree to commit to rebuilding and restoring happiness in my life. To turn my life around, I know I must do the following: 1. _____________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________ 4. _____________________________________________________ 5. _____________________________________________________ 6. _____________________________________________________ 7. _____________________________________________________ I shall continue to move through my times of trouble until I have achieved my end result. As a champion, I am making the choice to rebuild and restore my life as I desire because I deserve it. I will not let adversity stop me! Printed name: _____________________________________ Date:___________________________________________ Signed name: _____________________________________ Date:___________________________________________

Four

Use the Power of Negative Emotions for Positive Action The Third Principle of Courage â&#x20AC;&#x153;People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts.â&#x20AC;? Robert Keith Leavitt

henever we attempt to oppose failure, circumstances will remind us about the ill feelings we had, or currently have, about our situations. Unfortunately, the majority of us will give into these emotions and become destructive, even though we had agreed to move forward. We do this because we have not recognized positive outlets through which we are to channel this potent, negative energy. I had become distant and accustomed to loneliness. Who would want a divorced and recently broke young man trailed by a taunting past of abuse and financial challenges? A series of broken hearts and belly-up enterprises pushed me into a state of hopelessness. Suddenly, depression became resentment. Resentment became anger, and anger became my friend who helped me disregard the thought of happiness altogether. Swindled by my own thoughts that a better life was not possible, I fell into a world of bitterness. The women I dated became sexual objects instead of the queens they were. Moreover, the paychecks I earned were used to gamble away my woes instead of being saved to invest in my future. Each adversity seemed to have bred negative 55

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emotions so powerful that I turned to destructive outlets as a temporary means of satisfaction and release. Rather than use these hurtful situations as catalysts for bettering my life, I used them to justify every destructive, unhealthy action. I had become so entangled in my anguish that I did not realize the extent of the deterioration of my well-being.

Countless books, therapists, business professionals, speakers, ministers, and psychologists suggest that we engage each adverse situation or defeated endeavor with a positive mental attitude. We’re to look beyond the annoyances and problematic people or challenges toward the hope of “better days to come.” We’re to ignore the naysayers and give no attention to other negative forces. We are to accept destitution and loss with a profound understanding that “this too shall pass.” Is being positive all the time realistic? Highly unlikely.

The Destruction of Negative Emotions “Anger may be kindled in the noblest breasts: but in these slow droppings of an unforgiving temper never takes the shape of consistency of enduring hatred!” G. S. Hillard

As emotional beings, we will have great difficulty living every moment with a positive mental attitude. At the loss of something or someone we cherish, we do not immediately look for the positive side of adversity. Many of us will try, but we will find ways to remedy the pain if positivism is out of reach. The remedy that we choose may come at the expense of others or at our own health. A hard day at work has come to an end for Donovan, the executive director of a prestigious consulting firm. The father of three boys and a devoted husband to a beautiful wife, Navia, he is aware of the strains his long working hours have put on his family. As an acknowledgment of her support, Donovan decides to surprise his wife with long-stemmed orange roses and dinner reservations at her favorite restaurant. Donovan enters his home. Surprisingly, darkness greets him. His boys are nowhere to be found. “Honey,” he says softly. “Boys?”

Use the Power of Negative Emotions for Positive Action

Chuckling and muffled talking from upstairs catch his attention. He tiptoes towards the familiar voices of a man and woman. As he approaches the slightly opened bedroom door, his eyes widen at the unimaginable sight before him. Donovan is overcome with hurt and anger as he watches his wife and brother toil together naked in his bed. Two of the people he has trusted more than anyone else in life have pierced his heart with the dagger of deception. Trapped between thoughts of killing the two or leaving the house, he chooses the latter. Sitting in a nearby bar, Donovan chugs his sixth rum and cola. Severely intoxicated, he drives home drunkenly and parks the car on the side of the street. Tears streaming from his eyes, he retrieves a photo of himself and his wife from his wallet. Overcome with rage, he opens up the glove compartment and reaches for his .45 caliber. On a napkin, he writes, “You and my brother may now love each other with the peace of knowing you caused this.” He closes his eyes, and squeezes the trigger.

When under the duress of intense, negative emotions, we may engage in activities and behaviors outside of our normal character. If uncontrolled, or not redirected for more productive outcomes, our distraught feelings will drive us to the brink of self-destruction or bring out our “Mr. Hyde.”

Acknowledging Our “Hyde” "All human beings... are commingled out of good and evil." Robert Louis Stevenson

As a student in grade school, I always was fascinated by Robert Louis Stevenson’s, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The story is a vivid portrayal of the split personalities—good and evil— within all of us. At any given moment, our afflictions may cause us to behave destructively. As a result, we have no familiarity with ourselves. Here is an overview of the story. Dr. Jekyll appears friendly, sociable, charismatic, sincere, and devoted to the betterment of mankind. Obsessed with the idea that

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each person contains both good and evil, or angelic and demonic traits, he creates a potion, which surfaces his inner, evil self—Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde is hideous, disfigured. There are no indications that he ever has smiled. His vision is to cause havoc, destruction, and mayhem. Anyone who dares attempt to thwart his rampage is quickly destroyed.

Underneath our facades of smiles, sentimental attitudes, and projections of success, lays another self, deeply seeded —our “Mr. Hyde.” This self remains dormant as long as we do not drink the potion of disappointment, anger, hurt, or any other emotionally provoking elixir that interrupts our joy and state of peace. I am intrigued by the amount of people who say, “I’ll never do this…,” or “I’ll never do that…” Consciously, we believe this is the case until we are forced to deal with the circumstances that arouse our ugly side. Happily married with two sons, working his dream job, I’m sure Donovan had never contemplated suicide. However, driven to a mental state he had never visited, he did the unthinkable.

The Destructive Power of Misdirected Negative Emotions “The strangest and most fantastic fact about negative emotions is that people actually worship them.” P. D. Ouspensky

We can use our negative emotions as tools to help reconstruct our lives, or use them as demolition crews to destroy any possibility of a hopeful future. Again, this brings us back to the first principle: choose. We can choose to either become constructive or destructive when influenced by negative emotions. Have you ever noticed how productive we are when we feel happy, loved, accomplished, and fulfilled? There’s nothing we cannot overcome, right? When influenced by positive emotions, we become unstoppable forces of progress, productivity, and purpose. We focus on bringing visions to fruition, dreams to reality, and desires to fulfillment. Unfortunately, at the disruption of these positive emotional states, we make decisions that end up costing us our marriages, our credibility, and, more importantly, our self-confidence and self-esteem.

Use the Power of Negative Emotions for Positive Action

Negative emotions caused by unexpected challenges and adversity have the power to bring our lives to a screeching halt. We stop building. We stop envisioning. We stop providing. We stop loving. Then, we start anew on more destructive and perceptibly unsatisfying journeys that numb and blind us to our challenges. We may drink more than normal. We may use sex as an outlet for anger and frustration, rather than an intimate expression of love and affection. We may alienate ourselves from the people we care about, and inflict physical harm onto ourselves and others. We need to use these negative emotions to help springboard us further to our desires.

Using the Power of Negative Emotions for Positive Action “Behave so the aroma of your actions may enhance the general sweetness of the atmosphere.” Henry David Thoreau

The reason we choose destructive outlets when under the duress of negative emotions is because of a lack of proper conditioning. Throughout our lives, we base many of our actions on the behaviors we have seen of the people who a have strong influence on us. As a result, we mirror their actions whether consciously or subconsciously, right or wrong. We must recondition ourselves so that we can use the power of negative emotions for positive actions. She had a desire to be a great novelist. As a single mother who battled depression and poverty, this poor woman didn’t know how she ever would reach her dream. However, upon completing her fictitious masterpiece, she faced a greater level of sorrow. Many publishers rejected the manuscript on which she diligently worked. Rather than giving into anger, she grabbed onto the coattail of perseverance and continued to believe in her vision. As a result, she (J.K. Rowling) published one of the most recognized pieces of contemporary fiction ever: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

Developing and strengthening ourselves to use the power of negative emotions for positive actions takes constant practice. The ongoing practice of

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seeking other channels through which we can redirect our adverse emotions and ill feelings should remain at the forefront of our minds. However, like any new change, this concept will be a great challenge for many of us. Naturally, if we believe we have been treated unjustly, for example, we will become hostile and prepare ourselves to fight. Our minds are focused on getting revenge, seeking justice. To prepare ourselves to redirect our negative emotions, we must direct ourselves to getting CLEAR. CLEAR is a mnemonic method, or memory-assisting technique, which includes five steps that can help us keep our anger, hurt, and resentment in check. When we become overwhelmed with negative emotions, we should use the steps of: consider, look, empty, appreciate, and read. • Consider: God has given us the ability to reason, rationalize, and use logic. Some may associate this with common sense. However, despite the labels of these attributes, negative emotions have a tendency to disable these humane senses and force us to behave inappropriately. Before we indulge in excessive drinking, engage in emotionless sexual activities, alienate ourselves, or cause harm to ourselves or others, we should consider other ways that we can better spend this energy. If our initial response to hurtful situations compromises our ability to achieve future happiness, in any form, we should consider the costs of our actions. No matter how hopeless the circumstances, we still can choose alternate methods of expression. Before we lead ourselves down the path of destruction, we should ask, “How can I use this pain in the restoration of my life?” The answer may set us in the direction to restoring our lives. If we consider our actions, and the destruction we may cause ourselves or others, we can achieve our desired results. • Look: “Seek and you shall find,” is a phrase that has been passed downthroughout the ages. This means that we can find opportunities only when our eyes are open. Negative emotions usually blind us from seeing the possibilities of individual restoration. When hypnotized by our undesirable feelings, we’re thinking, It’s all about me. As

Use the Power of Negative Emotions for Positive Action

a result, we lose ourselves in the darkness of impulsive, unproductive thoughts. Similar to consider, look requires us to see beyond the matters with which we’re confronted. As we seek to find the opportunities within our current grief, however, we must not use this time unwisely to place blame on ourselves or the people involved in our hurtful situations. Whenever looking forward is difficult, we must look toward the heavens and seek direction from God.

• Empty: Garbage cans, when filled, must have their contents placed in a dumpster or somewhere else outside of the house. As a young man, I hated the chore of taking out the trash, but I knew it was necessary to help keep the house looking and smelling clean. Negative thoughts, like garbage, need to be emptied from our minds and bodies in order for us to move forward. Sadly, we dump this “garbage” on others instead of finding another receptacle in which to place it. Sometimes, we keep the garbage inside for so long that we generate an awful stench in our thinking, behaviors, and attitudes, which keeps away anything and anyone who desire to help us restore our happiness. To help us dispose of our garbage, we can use an alternative actions list. The purpose of this list is to help us identify the activities we normally would engage in, (when under the spell of negative emotions), and create a more positive alternative action. Here’s an example of my list: Usual action Have sex Get drunk Fight, yell, argue Punch hole in wall Go to nightclub Alienate myself Waddle in pity Blame others

Alternative action Write in my book Cook a nice dinner Write a letter about how I feel Meditate, pray Read a book Spend time with friends, family Take a walk in park, beach Play basketball, ping-pong

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By creating an alternative actions list, we can channel our negative emotions in a more positive, life-enhancing way. We know all too well the destruction we cause when we let our emotions get out of hand. However, if we are to move forward, we must have alternative actions to help us produce the results we ultimately desire.

• Appreciate: While experiencing adverse feelings, it is difficult for us to appreciate anything or anyone. Our feelings and emotions will not allow this because we do not understand the reason behind our suffering. However, trying to understand the circumstances that are out of our control and the actions of others hinders our ability to appreciate the growth which is to follow our pain. If we’re wrestling with “understanding,” we need only to understand one fact: We’re preparing for a purpose much greater and larger than ourselves. Is this going to make us feel better? No! Appreciating the turmoil in our lives helps us heal faster than if we were to keep trying to understand our situations. Life seldom follows a logic befitting our human minds. • Read: Reading inspiring works in which others claimed victory after suffering is encouraging. As a people, we all are connected through the complexities of life. In Ecclesiastes 1:9, Solomon says, “There is no new thing under the sun.” This means that the challenges, obstacles, and suffering we’re experiencing currently have been encountered and overcome by others. Reading the works of those to whom we can relate helps us call to attention to the courage we need to move forward.

Dwelling on past matters that resulted in emotional ruin caused by our own hands or by the hands of others serves no healthy purpose. We only can forgive ourselves and those responsible for hurting us. Afterwards, we should read material that will uplift and empower our spirits. Books that focus on preparing our minds for greater things to come and works from authors with whom we identify can encourage us to move closer to our ideal lives. One person’s story can help us rise higher and go farther than we ever thought possible.

Use the Power of Negative Emotions for Positive Action

As mentioned earlier, using the power of negative emotions for positive action requires practice. Even with years of practice, we may yet find ourselves forgetting a step or two of the CLEAR technique because old habits have a tendency to spawn inappropriate responses. Even though we occasionally may revert to unproductive methods for a moment, we must remember to return to getting CLEAR.

Five

Reject Doubt The Fourth Principle of Courage “When in doubt, do the courageous things!” Jan Smuts

ife often misjudges our abilities to overcome its discouraging and spiritually weakening strikes. Right now, some of us are discouraged because we keep basing future outcomes on our past defeats. We must believe that we are capable of destroying all ignoble impulses and turning ourselves into individuals of great worth. The cool breeze of the night welcomes me as I stare wondrously at the resting lake. Waves crash gently against the rocks below. Standing against the gate, I close my eyes, inhaling deeply. The intoxicating scent of possibility fills my lungs, filtering out the nauseating smell of reality. I’m imagining a life of joy, embracing happiness in my arms. She smiles and urges me to write masterpieces as I take a seat underneath the sycamore, which is wearing the tattoos of couples’ names from past generations. The pains of yesterday had finally become small scars and tiny reminders of what I had overcome. I smile. Upon opening my eyes, I realize the unchanged climate of hurt and suffering. I still remain unfulfilled and unhappy. A storm of questions suddenly rushes my mind. Can I really overcome this divorce and find love again? Can I really recover from this financial loss? Can I truly overcome the abuse I experienced as a child and live with a certain level of normalcy? Can I really…? 65

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Past defeats made answering yes to the uncertainties running through my mind difficult. I truly couldn’t see the outlines of happiness, and I lost the desire to try, because I had filled my mind with reasons not to succeed. One late evening, as I sat sulking on the couch, flipping through the channels, something extraordinary caught my attention. Immediately, I felt disgusted with myself for complaining and feeling helpless. As I watched the program, I realized how fortunate I was, and that I had no reason to remain in my victim’s state of mind. He walks onto the stage, tall and erect. His smile outshines the lights that beam down on him. As if he suffers from no adversity at all, he strolls confidently to the drum set. Anticipation suspends the crowd— and me—as we hope for the young man’s success in his attempt to play. Without a break in his smile, he sits down and nods his head. I watch closely as he slides the drumsticks through his wristbands. I bob my head to his power strikes to the drum. Following his indescribable performance, I clap and arise with the crowd to give the young, courageous Dan Caro a standing ovation.

At the age of two, Dan became a burn victim in an accident that left him without a right hand and a much-scarred left hand. Despite the absence of his limbs, he reveals the power of living with purpose. Many years following his traumatic childhood experience, he has achieved and continues to restore happiness and meaning in his life as a musician and professional speaker. Dan’s quote, “You are your limit” inspired me, and continues to inspire me, to move forward. I could no longer let doubt keep me from attaining the life I deserved.

Understanding Doubt “There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.” Buddha

Reject Doubt

Doubt is one of the deadliest enemies to restoring our lives. It’s like a poisonous snake, slithering through the grass, seeking its prey. It viciously attacks our minds while injecting its venom into our thoughts of possibility, causing paralysis of our ambitions, hopes, and desires. Following its attack, it leaves our minds susceptible to failure and fear. Those of us who have been bitten by this creature have experienced, or currently are experiencing, the following symptoms: • • • • • • •

Excessive use of alibis or excuses Indecisiveness Lack of self-confidence Inability to restate a life’s purpose with meaning Avoidance of challenges and obstacles Feelings of inferiority Fear of trying again

Regardless of the severe effects it has on us, doubt is a state of mind that we can overcome. However, before we can do so we must first understand its origin.

First Origin of Doubt (Adverse Childhood Experiences) “The world is wide, and I will not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum.” Frances Willard

Unbeknownst to many of us, a great deal of our doubts stem from adverse childhood experiences. In our developmental stages, in which confidence is built through positive experiences and affirmations by the people we love, we may have been subjected to negative environments. Whereas some of us may have had to hear harsh comments such as, “You’ll never amount to anything!” “You’re dumb!” “Can’t you do anything right?” and “I don’t care about you!” others may have had to see or experience other mentally and physically abusive situations. As a result, we enter adulthood with underdeveloped confidence in particular areas of our lives.

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The physical or mental abuse we experienced as children causes long-lasting detriments that prevent us from believing in our ability to achieve happiness. Despite the amount of time that passes, we still cannot seem to shake loose the hurt from our childhoods. Unfortunately, the strength of painful memories keeps us from achieving the life we desire. Cryssa’s father often criticized her for not meeting his expectations. As a softball player, she couldn’t hit enough home runs to make him proud. As a student, she fell short of maintaining a 4.0 GPA, which he loathed. “You’ll always be second best,” he’d tell her. Whenever she failed to meet her father’s expectations, she was met with more discouraging words. As an adult, Cryssa passed up a great advancement opportunity to become an executive manager for her firm. Hardworking, sincere, focused, and determined to succeed, Cryssa had the necessary attributes to lead a division within the company. Her leaders labeled her irreplaceable; her coworkers agreed. Unfortunately, Cryssa didn’t see beyond the failures of her childhood. She could only hear the voice of her father say, “You’re not good enough.” Rather than disappoint her leaders, she declined the offer.

When we let past afflictions take control of our lives, we will lose out on the opportunities to add to our happiness and success. The opportunities we encounter are designed especially for us, despite what others may have told us. We should not let the psychological barriers of yesterday stand in our way. If we want happiness, we cannot let past afflictions become roadblocks in our journey. However, to overcome these opposing forces, we must see ourselves for who we truly are: individually great, and capable of achieving anything to which we apply our energy. For those of us haunted by the hurtful words or heinous actions from our pasts, we need to remember something: Each of us is someone of worth, if not to others, at least to ourselves. Living for happiness and merely existing have one commonality: the freedom to choose. We can choose to turn our lives around and acquire anything resembling our perceptions of happiness, or we can carry around the burdens of hurt that make us feel inferior and lead us to destructive activities. It’s time to leave that weight behind.

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It took me many years to overcome my stepfather’s brutal beatings and inescapable, discouraging words. No matter what I did, or where I went, I could see him strike me over and over as he told me how I would become nothing in life. Living under the duress of an abusive past, I eventually had to choose to move forward. I made achieving happiness a game of proving “him” wrong. I had to win. If we can make a game of proving “them” wrong, we can become unstoppable forces that the winds of past adversity cannot slow down. Whatever suffering we’re experiencing because of our childhood afflictions, we can make a decision to “prove them wrong” and move forward.

Second Origin of Doubt (Too many defeats) “Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.” Kahlil Gibran

Another source of our doubt comes from encountering too many defeats. Many of us have attempted to love repeatedly, improve our financial conditions, or overcome ailments, only to grow tired of trying. With each failed attempt, we meet agitation and dissatisfaction, and therefore become less motivated. As a result, our confidence withers as we cringe at the thought of trying once more. David spent the majority of his life trying to prevent his family from experiencing the poverty he lived in as a child. He invested repeatedly in “get rich quick” schemes and the pipe dreams of his friends. Each investment resulted in maxed-out credit cards and a depleted savings account. Following years of trying to increase his riches, David generated an impoverished atmosphere that was similar to his childhood past. Rather than find a mentor to help him create a strategy, or put together an obtainable financial plan, he settled for working a job in which he could never pay off his debts. He finally accepted bankruptcy as a way to escape his financial hardships.

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Whenever we meet defeat after defeat, we grow tired, weary of trying again. We then ask ourselves questions that condition us to remain with defeated attitudes. “What’s the point of trying again when nothing seems to go the way I hope?” and “Why even strive for happiness when it’s apparently too far out of my reach?” Rather than achieving our ultimate desires, we accept our current conditions as if change is impossible. With this type of thinking, we see others who live the lives we want and consider them lucky, blessed, gifted, or favored. Seldom is this the case. Perhaps those we envy succeeded because they didn’t give in to adversity or unfortunate circumstances as we did. Maybe they learned how to use their past defeats as building blocks on which they stepped to the lives in which they delight.

The Legendary Tale of Envious Bernard “Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own !” Harold Coffin

When we give up on creating the life we want, it’s easy to become infatuated with someone else’s lifestyle. Jealousy and envy overtakes us and create a deeper hole of depression within ourselves. Should we envy someone else who has decided to keep trying? Of course not. If we do, we’ll be no better than Bernard. Bernard, a hardworking Kodak bear, lives next to Jasper, a gorilla. Each morning, Bernard leaves his small home, jumps into his ’87 pickup, and heads to the warehouse in which he supervises a crew of six workers. Sweating from helping his team carry loads from the trucks, Bernard thinks about his neighbor Jasper, the gorilla. “How does someone work only a couple of hours a day and still have a nice home, drive an expensive car, and travel as he please?” he asks. Upon arriving home and after setting down his work bag, Bernard mopes into the kitchen and grabs a beer. Easing into his chair, he picks up the phone, and dials Jasper. “Hello,” Jasper answers.

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“Hey Jasper, it’s Bernie.” “Well—hell, howdy neighbor,” Jaspers responds. “Say, do you have a minute?” Bernard asks. “Sure, what’s on your mind?” “I’d like it if you’d come over,” Bernard says. “Now?” “Yes!” Within moments, Jasper beats on the door. Bernard invites him in and greets him with a smile and cold beer. The two take a seat in the living room. “So, what’s on your mind?” Jasper asks. “Just can’t figure it out!” Bernard says, his lips in a smirk. “What?” “You have a magnificent home, drive one of the most expensive cars in town and take trips whenever you desire. What’s your secret?” Jaspers lounges back in the chair with a smile. “What you see are the results of many years struggling,” Jasper grins. “What do you mean, struggle? I don’t think you know what struggling is,” Bernard chuckles. “Oh, and why not?” “A man can only struggle for so long before he accepts defeat and settles with just being happy to be alive!” Jasper sits up. “Not sure that I follow you,” Jasper says. “Let me share something with you.” “Go ahead.” “Raised as an orphan, I saw nothing but poverty and sadness around me. Each day as I went to school, my eyes would gaze up at Mr. Hare’s mansion on top of Lion Roar Hill, and I would fantasize about being wealthy. I saw myself with a nice

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home and expensive cars, but most importantly, giving back to the kids.” Bernard belches. Jasper beats on his chest, slightly agitated by Bernard’s interruption. Bernard apologizes and lets Jasper continue: “As I got older, I realized that wealth didn’t come easy. I invested every dime I made into various businesses—most resulting in financial disaster. But I didn’t give up. My memory of Mr. Hare’s home kept me from doing so.” Bernard nods, takes a sip and continues to listen. “One day as I sat on a limb of a banana tree, thinking about how much money I lost, I was hit by a vision.” “What vision?” Bernard asks, sitting upright. “The vision of creating healthy banana splits!” “I see,” Bernard grins. “Following the development of my secret, I convinced the gyms and health food stores to sell delicious sugar- and fat-free banana splits that I created!” “Huh?” “Think about it. Much of the health-conscious jungle love banana splits. They choose not to eat them because of the sugar content of traditional banana splits. Now that I have eliminated the sugar phobia and created a dessert that helps burn fat, voila! I am richer than Mr. Hare!” “Impressive. But I wouldn’t risk what I have now to invest in something not guaranteed,” Bernard sulks. “I tried chasing my dreams before and it cost me thousands of dollars. It was a foolish mistake!” “Well, then you must be happy,” Jasper says with a smile. And if you are, I’m happy for you. I hate to make this visit short, but I’ve got to get going. I have Janice, the orangutan, coming over. If you’re up to it, come on over…” After saying goodbye, Bernard returns to his chair, pondering the moment he gave up on his vision of starting Jungle B’s Fine Cuisine. “What if I didn’t quit?” he asks himself.

Many of us are not so different than Bernard. When we choose not to try again, we look at others grotesquely and fail to realize that we actually are upset

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with ourselves for not giving it another shot. The main difference between those of us who have given up and others who press on is the level of belief.

The Power of Belief “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes. Mark 9:23 NKJV

By nature, we are powerful creatures. If we were to take a look around, we’d see everything we’re capable of achieving through belief. From the massive pyramids of Africa to the intangible air waves that carry our conversations from one cell phone to another, we have proven that anything is possible through the power of belief. Belief is the intangible, champion force that helps us place one foot in front of the other when walking the path of uncertainty. Without belief, our visions of the future become blurry at the sign of defeat. Encouragingly, when our challenges depict pictures of impossibility, belief says, “You can make it happen.” It is through belief that we can let go of our defeated attitudes to become victorious. We can overcome divorce and breakups because belief tells us that love is still available. We can rise above our economic challenges because belief says that within us is a talent or knowledge through which we can gain financially. We can walk away from hurtful people because belief points out that we’re too good to be mistreated. We can begin right now, not later, to rebuild and reclaim the lives we desire, because belief says that if we just tap into the power that lies within, all things are possible! Whenever we’re overcome with perceivably unconquerable obstacles, we need to believe just as the Little Engine did. A little steam engine had a long train of cars to pull. She continues effortlessly until she comes to a steep hill. She attempts to pull the heavy load over the hill, but no matter how hard she tries, she cannot move the long train of cars. She pulls and she pulls, and puffs and puffs. She backs up and starts off again. Choo! Choo! Hmmm! the cars will not go up the hill. Temporarily defeated, she leaves her load to seek help. Her mind set on succeeding, the little engine encounters a big,

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perceivably strong steam engine standing on a side track. Running alongside him, she looks up and says, "Will you help me over the hill with my train of cars? It is so long and heavy; I can't get it over." The big steam engine looks down at the little steam engine and replies, "Don't you see that I am through my day's work? I have been rubbed and scoured ready for my next run. No, I cannot help you." Focus unbroken, the little steam engine continues on her mission and asks another big engine the same question. He replies with the same excuse as the first. Growing tired, the little steam engine comes to a smaller engine. She reluctantly asks, "Will you help me over the hill with my train of cars? The load is so long and heavy that I can't get it over the hill." "Yes, indeed!" says the smaller steam engine. "I'll be glad to help you, if I can." The two little engines return to the load. Together, they puff and puff, chug and chug. Slowly, the cars began moving. Pulling with all their might, the two sing: "I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!” They soon overcome the hill. On a level plain, the little steam engine thanks her helper and says goodbye, continuing on her journey. Filled with the feeling of accomplishment, she pulls her load and sings: "I thought I could! I thought I could! I thought I could! I thought I could!”

The cargo of depression, unhappiness, and loss are seemingly too much for us to carry up the hill toward individual restoration. Like the little engine, we only need to find a little help. Often times, those who appear capable of helping us are not positioned to help in the way we desire. The little help that we need is the spark of belief that is found deep within us. Watty Piper’s, The Little Engine that Could, is a long-time, favorite children’s bedtime story that illustrates the strength of a willing spirit. Many of the challenges we encounter will appear impossible to overcome. Thankfully, in this life, there are only a few impossibilities. All other obstacles can be negotiated when we execute the power of belief.

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Executing Belief “One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.” Joan of Arc

The ability to execute the power of belief is based on the condition of our minds. Minds convoluted with doubt and failure, or lies, have little room for possibility and hope. Although we may have feelings of inadequacy due to the problems we’re experiencing, we must understand an important fact: Doubt and feelings of failure are lies that we have accepted as reality, and they must be removed from our minds. However, before we can execute the power of belief, we must create a mental atmosphere in which restoration and rebuilding happiness can begin. This objective is obtained through three methods: confronting our lies, removing the lies, and telling a new story.

First, Confront the Lie “The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.” Leonardo da Vinci

Whenever we say we’re unable to achieve success or happiness, or convince ourselves that we’re insignificant, inadequate, and unworthy, we are telling ourselves a lie! The feelings of needing to engage in destructive, criminal, and self-damaging activities are lies. We perform these actions because our lies have distorted the truth, which is buried deep underneath the heap of failed attempts, adversity, and afflictions. Due to the misperceptions we have of ourselves, there’s no surprise that we drink and smoke excessively, engage in violent activities, become overly sexually aggressive, or pursue other outlets that may end our pain and suffering temporarily. Living with these lies has prevented and continues to prevent us from acquiring the happiness we seek. To see the hidden truth, we must confront the lies that the people, our pasts, and that we ourselves have embedded in our minds.

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Many of us are struggling with believing differently from how we currently see ourselves, because of the strongholds these lies have on us. Some of the lies that hinder our ability to move forward are: • The despicable lie that we are too old to start over after losing our jobs, our relationships, our marriages, or our financial and social statuses. As a result, we do not trust ourselves to restore and rebuild our lives. • The lie that our happiness is predicated on our need to feel wanted and desired in relationships; therefore, we exert precious energy in futile circumstances instead of utilizing this energy to seek ways to strengthen our self-confidence and individuality. • The lie that we are not good enough or worthy of leadership positions, and therefore, we pass on these opportunities to others. • The lie that we are failures, because our numerous attempts at achievement, love, or financial gain have resulted in more sorrow. Therefore, we remain unmotivated and unhopeful as our desires slowly dissipate. • The lie that our existence is pointless, and therefore, we live without emotion or care for what we do to ourselves and to others. • The incredulous lie that our criminal past prevents us from carrying out visions of success and happiness, when all we need is to use our newfound freedom to find resources that can help us rise above society’s inaccurate depictions of our future. • The controlling lie that our past hinders a brighter future of purpose, mission, and vision, and therefore causes us to remain unimproved, discouraged, and afraid. There may be more lies that we have accepted as reality, but those mentioned above have taken away many of our reasons for rebuilding and restoring meaning in our lives. How long should we continue to live under the rule of these lies? Until we realize we’re better, greater even. Until we’re ready to see the people in the mirror as a reflection of happiness, success, hope , and power. Until we’re ready to rise from our unproductive states of depression, hopelessness, doubt, and any other discouraging factors that are preventing us from moving forward. Until the commitment to renewing our lives becomes larger than the adverse perceptions that we have about ourselves.

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Confronting the lies that we have been telling ourselves requires courage. Some of us don’t realize we’re living a life of lies, because we rarely believe that we would be dishonest with ourselves. This alone is often a lie.

Second, Remove the Lie “Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'” Charles Schulz

Once we finally gain the strength to confront the lies we’ve been living, we still have them in our minds. Confronting them is only part of the battle. We must get rid of them immediately, so that we can prepare ourselves to live in truth. Lies and truths cannot coexist, just as night and day cannot. To rid our minds of these toxins, we must engage in activities that will help us gain mental clarity that welcomes truth. We can do this by conducting a mind sweep. Mind sweeping is a technique that encompasses various methods or exercises that we can perform to remove lies from our mind. The method is similar to the way the military clears minefields of explosives in war-torn habitats; through patience and special techniques, we can remove the lies that have booby-trapped us into accepting fallacious remarks and personas. Mind sweeping includes four techniques: prayer, Tai Chi, yoga, and mindfulness.

Prayer “Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.” Saint Augustine

The results of prayer are powerful. Through prayer, countless people have become wiser, stronger, healthier, and accepting of the idea of, “I am created for a greater purpose!” Through prayer, abusive husbands have changed their abusive ways to become loving mates, individuals with sicknesses have been healed, and financially distraught individuals have been given visions that catapulted them to the top of success. In the heart of those who believe, prayer

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brings the mind and spirit together to create a state of contentment, hope and joy. Here is an example of a prayer we can use: “Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you in a state of confusion. Help me recognize who I really am, and grant me the strength to change how I see myself and my circumstances, and instill in me the vision I am to fulfill. Forgive me for the wrongs I have done to myself and others, and plant me firmly in the spiritual and mental gardens of peace. Right now I have feelings of inadequacy, fear, hurt, loneliness, and depression. In exchange for these, I ask that you give me the spirits of peace, wisdom, and courage. Give me the power to change the conditions within my ability, and help me accept the circumstances that I have no control over…In your son’s Jesus name I pray, Amen!”

Whether we call it meditation, or spiritual cleansing, prayer is one of the most powerful tools we have in our arsenal for removing lies from our minds. Many of us negate prayer because we do not believe in a spiritual power greater than ourselves, or we pray for things such as financial wealth, love, optimal health, and the fulfillment of dreams and ambitions, but we do so without belief. Sitting at a coffee shop in Greensboro, and after writing this piece on prayer, I notice a young gentleman staring at me. Holding a pocketsize Bible, he engages me. “Excuse me,” he says. “What church do you attend?” As we were in Greensboro, he figured I attended one of the local churches. “My church is back in Seattle,” I answer. “Oh, I heard you speak about prayer while you were on the phone.” “Really?” “Yes.” The barista’s grinding of coffee beans in the background made hearing him difficult. “Do you mind sitting over here?” I ask. “Okay.”

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The young man, in his late twenties or early thirties, joins me at my table. “My name is Lucian,” he continues. “I’m Ellard…”

Lucian spoke to me at length about his past addictions to pornography, drugs, and alcohol, and how he had lived his life in confusion. He often did things he didn’t want to do and found prayer to be a way to helping him overcome his obstacles. From feeling forced to engage in destructive activities, to traveling aimlessly to different states, Lucian often mentioned his perceivably inescapable life of discontentment until he discovered the power of prayer. “Prayer has helped me tremendously… I’m not completely over some of the problems in my life, but I believe I will overcome them by continuing to pray…”

As we journey down the road toward restoring our happiness, we can use the power of prayer to help us rediscover our purpose for living. Living is not staying bound by our circumstances or chained to mediocrity; it is taking advantage of the opportunities we have been afforded. Within every loss and moment of sorrow lies a chance to become happier, better, and greater. Through the power of prayer, we are shown how much stronger the human spirit is than the obstacles we face.

Tai Chi “Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power!” Lao-Tzu

The use of Tai Chi has become very popular among people who wish to rid themselves of their mental anguish. This “soft” martial art may help us remove stress and gain clarity on our situations by helping us to get in touch with our inner person or Qi (pronounced “chee”). Qi is the life essence that flows through the invisible channels of our bodies (the animating force behind all forms of life, or spirit).The power of this mind-sweeping technique lies within breathing deeply while performing a series of slow, controlled movements.

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Sitting on a local park bench, infuriated about a business deal that fell apart, I watch a group of men and women performing wide-arm movements and slow-motion kicks. Graceful as ballerinas, they appear to flow with the summer zephyrs—slowly stepping forward and backward, turning, and breathing deeply. In awe, I approach a neighboring spectator. “Do you know what they are doing?” I ask. “They are practicing Tai Chi,” the kind woman answers. “That looks peaceful,” I smile. “It really is,” she smiles back. “I teach it.” “Really? So what’s the purpose of this technique?” I ask. “Without going too much in depth about it,” the young lady continues. “Tai Chi helps us focus on what matters most: our connection with our inner self and not on the matters of life. A conditioned spirit helps us realize that there’s no such thing as bad circumstances, just negative and positive energies. When we accept negative energies, we must then allow them to flow through us until we become centered. Tai Chi has become the technique for me and countless others to remove these unwanted energies from us…”

Learning how to unlock the internal power that is released through performing Tai Chi is essential to removing lies from our minds. Taking a few moments out of our days to practice this mind-sweeping art can help us improve the quality of our lives and make us remember the great individuals that we are.

Yoga “The mind is everything; what you think, you become.” Buddha

When we feel good about ourselves, we see the individuals in the mirror as people of great worth. Unfortunately, many of us still are blinded because our lies have damaged our inner self. This prevents us from seeing beyond our anguish. However, through the power of yoga, we can gain the clarity we need to see ourselves as powerful, beautiful, confident, and successful.

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Yoga is a powerful and beautiful art that includes a set of techniques designed to help us see beyond our limitations. We (as human beings) restrict ourselves from experiencing happiness or ideal lives because we impose our own restrictions. We must understand that it is not our environments, circumstances, or pasts that hinder us from the lives we deserve; it is the state of our minds. After losing her sister in a fatal car accident, Mariah’s perfect world was turned upside down. The death of her sister created an emotional divide between her parents, which pushed her to drugs and alcohol for comfort. On the brink of self-destruction, Mariah decided to attend a yoga class with her best friend. Initially uncomfortable, Mariah later became intrigued by the teachings and desired the calmness the attendees exuded. Determined to turn around her life, Mariah used the power of yoga to overcome her sorrow and regain her spiritual, physical, and mental balance. “Before experiencing the power of yoga,” Mariah said, “I wanted to numb myself from the pain. I felt like a nobody when my family collapsed. Thanks to yoga, I relearned how to find myself and happiness.”

The exercises and poses of yoga are to help us ascend into purity, or truth, and realize the innate divinity (Godly power) within us. Yoga teaches us that oneness with our greater self is essential to living healthier, both physically and mentally. For those of us who have different religious backgrounds, yoga does not contradict any of our beliefs. If anything, it helps to bring us closer to, and more aligned with, our inner spirituality.

Mindfulness "Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor." Thich Nhat Hanh

Mindfulness is a critical element to the path of mental freedom and subsequent enlightenment. This mind-sweeping technique pushes us to live in the present and to bring our mind and body into harmony. Rather than pushing us

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to ask the question “Why?” about our hardships, mindfulness teaches us how to find peace during our moments of anxiety and despair. Following her shift at a local bar, Brenda heads to her sedan parked two streets away. As she walks toward her car, two young men in a black luxury vehicle with tinted windows watch her from a distance. As Brenda searches for her keys, the two well-dressed young men approach her from behind. Momentarily startled, Brenda reaches into her purse and grabs her pepper spray, but releases it at the charming voice of the taller of the two men. “I hate to bother you,” he says with a foreign accent, “but I wonder if you can help me.” “With what?” Brenda smiles, sensing no threat. While the gentleman and Brenda converse, the other young man, smiling innocently, slowly motions behind the friendly belle. Suddenly, he cuffs her mouth and drags the kicking beauty into a nearby alley where he and his friend savagely rape and brutally beat her. A transient discovers her unconscious body hours later. “I should have died that night. Perhaps I did internally. After leaving the hospital, I stayed in my house for six months, too afraid to go anywhere, spending the majority of my days and nights scrubbing my body until I bled. I often pondered suicide as I found myself living to die.” “Following years of feeling worthless and scared, while suffering from paralyzing anxiety attacks, I had to relearn how to live… Mindfulness meditation has helped me significantly with overcoming my unforgettable night. Whereas I would normally pop three to four anti-depressant pills, I remember my mindfulness training…”

The practice of mindfulness is most helpful and powerful when we become emotionally imbalanced. Whenever we become angry, or encounter any other adverse emotion, mindfulness directs us to the path of immediate calmness and keeps us focused on living in the now and not in our past. Any of the mind-sweeping techniques can help us remove the lies from our minds. As with anything of great worth, these techniques will require a sacrifice of time and energy. It is up to us to determine if our mental freedom is worth it.

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Third, Tell a New Story My past is history, a tale I no longer have to live! My future, however, is full of great opportunities waiting to be written. L. Thomas

Once we have broken our minds free of the fallacies that we lived, through one or a combination of the aforementioned mind-sweeping strategies, we now must begin telling ourselves a new story. Our old stories of being unsuccessful, unlovable, damaged, undeserving, impoverished, hopeless, uncaring, and unaffectionate should be placed away and never read from again. Many of my colleagues and close friends asked me how I was able to overcome the mental and physical abuse I suffered. They were dumbfounded because they heard disheartening stories about how people with pasts similar to mine engage in heinous crimes, commit suicide, and succumb to a lifestyle of blame and resentment. Rather than make them aware of my entire healing system, I told them that I wanted to be the, “unexpected ending rarely mentioned in a great horror.”

Many of us have lived, or currently are living, unfulfilling tales of loneliness, depression, and unworthiness. Thankfully, we no longer need to keep performing the destructive or unproductive roles dictated by our pasts. Instead, we can snatch the script from our pasts and use this day to write a more truthful, stronger story that will inspire others to rewrite their own memoirs. Beginning right now, we should start writing about being successful, accomplished, healed, delivered, and happy. Using myself as an example, this is how I wrote my new story. • “Although I am divorced, I am a good man and will become a great husband.” • “Although I lost all my money in businesses, I will become wealthy through a plan involving my talents, others’ wisdom, and direction from God.” • “Despite my past abuse, I am capable of loving and caring for women without treating them as sexual objects.”

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• “Even though I’ve suffered from the loss of my home, I will find the resources necessary to get a bigger home in which I will have my writing studio.” • In spite of getting laid off from multiple jobs, I will devote my time and energy to developing financial freedom so I do not have to depend on Corporate America.” When we begin telling ourselves new stories, we will start performing accordingly. We will smile more and recognize ways to profit from our talents. We will lift our heads higher, with confidence. We will look in the mirror and see ourselves as handsome men or beautiful women capable of experiencing love and happiness. Through our new stories, we will have the power to live life with purpose and vision.

Believe in Your New Story “I am whoever I believe I am!” Anonymous

Believing in our new stories is essential to leaving behind the “old us.” When my stepfather told me repeatedly that I would become a homosexual man because at 13 years old I did not want to have sex with a prostitute, I did whatever I could to prevent this from happening, especially after I had been molested. Therefore, I avoided taking showers when other kids did, and eventually entered a world of promiscuity. I really believed that as long as I didn’t partake in the activities of gays (or what I thought homosexuals did), I would be okay. I wasn’t okay. I had sunken deeper into an abyss of discontentment and self-destruction. Deep in my heart, I knew that this wasn’t my story. I had to believe that I was meant to do more with my life. Over time, this belief helped me change my life. Telling ourselves a new story and believing in it takes time. We’ll become frustrated with moving forward because we’ve been conditioned to live and believe in a certain way of life. Breaking habits are difficult and it requires courage to cut ourselves away from the behaviors of the people we once were. Here’s something we should consider before we refuse to believe in our new stories: Before we lived out the lies in our lives, we had to believe in them

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wholeheartedly. Whereas the old stories were created by others and our environments, our new ones will be created by us . Unfortunately, many of us will continue living out past tales because they have become lullabies of comfort, despite the inevitable and tragic endings to follow. Then again, a majority of us will put forth the effort and do what we can to take charge of our lives—today.

No More Doubt “The moment I believe I can, I will!” Adon Muyro

Where there is no doubt, there are no lies to accept—just opportunities. Earlier, we looked at the origins of doubt and how to proceed in the newness of life through the power of belief, and we examined three methods to help us: confront the lies, remove the lies, and tell a new story. If we are to remember anything from this section, we should remember that we are responsible for defining who we are and how we should progress in life. We also need to remember that no one and no circumstance can make us feel inferior unless we allow it. Either we give doubt permission to keep us bound in the chains of lies, or we take the information recently discussed in this section and continue to move forward. The choice is ours.

Six

Acknowledge your Strong Whys The Fifth Principle of Courage "Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will." Dr. Robert Anthony

n the moments when hopelessness meets us with tremendous force, we must find a way to keep moving forward. We must do so even when we feel depleted of every ounce of energy. In light of the unbearable circumstances we face, we need to remember the strong reasons behind rebuilding our lives. I finally had reached the end of my rope, slamming my bedroom door. Nothing appeared to be going right in my life. I had joined hundreds of others who had lost their jobs to the plummeting telecom market. Needless to say, the bills piled up quickly. Unaware how fast my circumstances could worsen, I was pushed into playing the “car or house” game. Each month I had to determine if I would pay either my car loan or the mortgage. Rude, obnoxious collection calls soon flooded my voicemail and caller ID, leaving me stressed. Held captive in a no-win situation, I realized I needed to keep a roof over my little brother’s head. I decided to forgo my car loan payments and voluntarily let them repossess my precious vehicle. Having made this decision, I found myself spiraling into a feeling of worthlessness. One evening, at the sound of the television upstairs, I left my bedroom and followed my brother’s chuckling. “Hey, Ellard,” my 87

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youngest brother said, interrupting my train of thought with a smile. “Are you okay?” he asked, as his innocent eyes revealed great concern for me. Holding back my tears, I stared at my brother for a moment. He had no idea about the financial mess I currently was experiencing. He only knew that he had a home, food to eat, and would never see another day in a foster home. At that moment, I stopped frowning. A smile appeared briefly on my face. “I’m okay,” I answered, taking a seat next to him, rubbing his head. “I’m okay,” I repeated. “Are you sure,” he asked once more, resting his head on my shoulder. “Yes, I just have some things on my mind,” I replied. “Well,” he said, looking at me with his puppy-dog brown eyes, “I want you to know that I appreciate everything you do for me. I know I haven’t done everything right, but I love you very much…” Tears welled up in my eyes. My heart skipped a beat. The thought of him going back into the foster care system ignited a mighty spark within me. I had worked too hard to see him return to that horrible system that failed to protect him from being molested and beaten during his tenure. I knew what I had to do: fight tirelessly to keep him housed and protected. The following months tested the fabric of my manhood. I humbly accepted work from labor-for-today type companies in addition to a menial-paying full-time job as a call center representative. Each day I wanted to quit, but I remembered my brother and kept moving forward.

Life has a peculiar way of forcing us to make sacrifices. “Do I keep this and give up that?” “Do I sit here waiting, or do I take a chance?” Many of us wish we could let go of everything and crawl underneath a rock until we meet the span of our existence. However, what does such a cowardly action do for us? Absolutely nothing. Despite the suffering we experience, we do not have to crawl away and hide. In fact, we don’t have to run away from our problems or quiet our sorrows momentarily in alcohol, sex, violence, or any other success-hindering activity.

Acknowledge Your Strong Whys

When striving seems pointless, impossible, or unnecessary, we need only acknowledge our strong whys.

Identifying Strong Whys “Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second.” William James

Adversity has a tendency to make us forget about our important reasons for progressing through our hardships. However, despite the difficulties we face, we owe it to ourselves to rise as the sun, from the pit of our misfortunes, to expose the world to the awakening rays of triumphant power that we innately possess. For nearly 30 years, Tyler had devoted countless hours and energy to helping his company achieve its growth objectives. Although highly educated and knowledgeable about the industry in which he flourished, he had been extended the cold hand of farewell from his organization. Facing large amounts of debt and terrified by what was to come, he returned to his beautiful home, now in jeopardy of foreclosure. Stretched out on his Italian leather couch, he cries out, “What went wrong?” “Now what?” For weeks, he sits, depressed, and watches reruns of Westerns as he did in his youth. Each passing day brings sorrow as he realizes that the job that created his affluent lifestyle and ability to take frequent European and tropical vacations has become nothing more than a memory. Gaining the strength to finally rise from the sofa, he packs his belongings, starting with his desk. “Damn all this sh—!” he says, still angry about being let go from his company. He begins madly throwing unneeded items into the wastebasket. “I can’t believe this!” In the middle of his tirade, he considers the idea to end his life. However, a picture of his son, now lying on the floor, catches his attention. A smile surfaces on his face. “Okay,” he says, convinced by the still smile of his son. “Okay! I get it,” he utters, as he pins his son’s picture to the wall.

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Rather than continuing a routine of dwelling in misery, Tyler grabs a tablet and sits on the floor. He decides to write out an action plan to recover from his financial setback.

As my brother had been for me, and Tyler’s son for him, strong whys may include anything or anyone to which we have strong emotional ties. The strength of these emotional ties has the power to lead us to building faith, confidence, and the courage to overcome our obstacles. If we were to take a moment to consider our past achievements, we would realize that the majority of them happened as the result of our emotional attachments to them. Some examples of our strong whys can be any of the following: • • • • • • • • •

Family Close friends Loathing for the impoverished past Strong desire for betterment or change Unsatisfactory current financial and social positions Strong desire for something or someone Burning desire to overcome adversity Dedication to changing and bettering the lives of others Strong discontent for heartaches associated to loss

Each of the mentioned examples above spawns an emotional response, which we can use when we’re too exhausted to keep going. However, this poses a question: If our strong whys have the power to help us succeed during our times of adversity, why do some of us not make it? There’s a perfectly logical, simple answer to this question.

Weak Whys—The Imposters of Strong Whys “It is weakness rather than wickedness which renders men unfit to be trusted with unlimited power” John Adams

Often disguised as strong whys, weak whys also may move us toward the

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process of achievement. However, due to their lack of emotional strength, they will not give us the extra boost we need during the moment we face hardships. James meant well when he presented me with the business opportunity he joined when I was in my undergraduate program. He thought the opportunity could help me as a “starving” student. “Ellard,” he said. “I believe this business is going to help make our financial dreams come true!” “Why do you think so,” I asked. “I’m working directly with a few people who became millionaires in the business. Maybe you should drop school and build this business with me!” he said.

During this period of time in my life (a few years prior to my incident with Troy), I wanted to complete my bachelor’s degree more than anything, but I also toyed with the idea of making money. “Okay James,” I said, momentarily enticed, “what is the investment?” “A couple hundred dollars!”

I took the initial investment out of my savings account and entered the opportunity with James for a few months. I attended every meeting and did dozens of presentations, but I didn’t make any real money. Finishing school stayed at the forefront of my mind and kept me from fully giving the energy necessary to becoming successful in that particular business. Therefore, I turned to the activity to which I was emotionally devoted, and I graduated in a couple of years. Admittedly, I didn’t succeed in the business opportunity, because my reason (why) wasn’t strong enough to perform the tasks necessary to succeed. Moreover, my commitment to completing school was much stronger than my desire to do well with the business opportunity. Many of us are trying to rebuild our lives right now, but we keep failing. We want to do better, need to do better, and for some reason, we’re continuing to struggle. Often times, we’re trying to redirect our lives based on the strength of weak whys. Logically, we know that we need to stop smoking and drinking, lose weight, rid ourselves of unhealthy relationships, and turn away from other

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unhealthy activities, but we have not developed a strong enough emotional tie for doing so. Therefore, we eventually will throw in the towel and settle for lesser lifestyles than what we deserve.

Addressing Weak Whys “We are not weak if we make a proper use of those means which the God of Nature has placed in our power… the battle, sir, is not to the strong alone, it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave.” Patrick Henry

Unlike strong whys, weak whys are merely thought impulses, intentions, notions, and ideas about individual accomplishment that sound good or seem possible in the moment, but fail to keep us fully committed. A person’s thinking under the influence of weak whys is: I can achieve it as long as I don’t run into any snags or challenges. As we have encountered, life has a cunning way of enchanting us with unexpected interruptions. Weak whys will not help us during the painful and emotionally exhausting moments that require additional effort, power, confidence, and hope. Leading a leadership conference for college students, I asked the highly attentive, sophisticated group the following question: “Are there any goals you’ve set out to achieve, but never fulfilled? And if so, why not?” The group stared blankly at me. I waited patiently. A young lady raised her hand. “Yes, there are! I’m almost embarrassed to say this,” she said, looking around at her peers. “I didn’t achieve many of my goals or obligations because I failed to remain committed.” “Failed to commit?” I asked. “Yes, they eventually didn’t seem so important,” she continued, smiling. Another young lady chimed in, “Sometimes, I realize that there are other things I’d rather do instead…”

The room suddenly burst with numerous excuses for leaving obligations

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unfulfilled. The following are a few that we, too, may have used in the past or currently use today: • • • • • •

“There are too many distractions!” “It’s too painful!” “I get too overwhelmed!” “My life is too hectic!” “I didn’t see a point!” “I realized that it’s not that important!”

Weak whys breed excuses. Excuses prevent us from moving forward in attaining contentment and happiness. They keep us from fighting. The decision to stop fighting ignites the fires of despair and anguish. Whenever we rely on weak whys to push us to achieve happiness and success, we’re setting ourselves up for disaster. Continuing on with the story. The group continued to laugh and the students pointed out each other’s lack of commitment to one another’s obligations. I laughed at some of the excuses I heard. “I have a question,” I said, silencing the energetic crowd. “Why did you achieve your goals and desires thus far?” Smiles appeared on all of their faces. “Many of the goals I achieved,” a young man spoke, “gave me a sense of accomplishment. The feeling of achievement far outweighed the sacrifices and effort I had to give!” “Based on what you just said,” I said, rubbing my chin, “you fulfilled certain desires because they gave you emotional satisfaction?” “Yes,” he answered. “That’s the same with me,” blurted another young woman. “If I am passionate or emotionally charged to do something, I will do whatever it takes to make it happen…”

During the remainder of the conference, the group and I discussed the differences between strong whys and weak whys. Understanding the two gave them a new outlook on their desires, ambitions, and goals. Whereas weak whys will hinder our ability to thrive in dire situations,

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strong whys will push us far beyond our perceived limitations. They will assist us in accomplishing our hopes and desires when unfavorable conditions reveal the task to be impossible. With the sword of strong whys, we are capable of defeating every enemy that stands in the way of our happiness and contentment.

Jot Down Your Strong Whys “I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” Jimmy Dean

Suffering and pain can make us forget our reasons for fighting. When we stop fighting for the happiness we want, we have accepted death—the death of our dreams, the death of our desires, the death of thoughts for a hopeful future, and the death of our purpose for living. As a result, we become nothing more than vile creatures carrying the weight of despondency and anguish. To avoid this outcome, we must commit our strong whys to writing. I accredit this section to Mrs. Rose, a beautifully aged woman I met when I worked as a volunteer in a convalescent center. I enter the convalescent center to fulfill my duties as a volunteer. The emanation of death lingers in the lobby. After signing in, I turn the corner. Near a far wall, playing checkers, sits one of my colleagues and Mr. Williams, an Alzheimer’s patient whose family abandoned him two years ago. I greet the two and then traipse into the room of Mrs. Rose, a cancer patient receiving hospice care, who is one of my favorite residents. “Good afternoon,” I greet her. She lifts her head. “Hello dear,” she says with a smile. “What are you doing?” I ask, walking over to her bed. “Oh nothing, hon. Just writing.” Sitting next to her bed, I’m overcome with sadness, but Mrs. Rose acts as if death is of no concern. “What are you writing?” She smiles warmly, closing her eyes. “All the good memories I have,” she says, “and the reasons for why I must keep fighting this

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illness.” She opens her eyes and turns to me. “Would you like to see my list?” she continues. “Sure.” I take the sheet of paper from Mrs. Rose’s trembling, but soft, aged hands. On it are two lists: “Good Memories” on the left side, and “My Reasons to Fight” on the right. Her list for “My Reasons to Fight” immediately grabs my attention. • • • • • • • •

My daughter My church My grandchildren My love for living My assignment My friends Family dinners ***Homemade chili***

“Homemade chili?” I chuckle. “Child, yes,” she grins. “It’s to live for!” We both laugh. “Young man,” she says softly. “Yes ma’am.” “Would you like to know why I have this list?” she asks, her eyes glistening with hope. “Yes.” “I’m aware of the possibility that this illness may claim my body,” she says, “but it’ll never claim my life.” “Excuse me?” I say, a little confused. “This list,” she says, as she turns her attention to the sheet of paper, “is a record of my actual life—not this sickness. The moments that have made me smile, and the reasons I made it through my troubles, are what made living life so great. There’s already too much negativity in this world that robs people of happiness and joy. This list helps me remember the pleasantries that life has offered me.” Thinking about some of my reasons for living, I continue listening to the wise woman.

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“Until God says it’s over,” she continues, “I must continue to fight. And if it is my time to leave, at least I know that my eight decades on this Earth meant something.” Mrs. Rose turns to me, her eyes demanding that I sit up straight. “Young man,” she begins to cry. “I want you to make me a promise.” “Anything, Mrs. Rose.” “Never forget your smiles and the reasons you must keep fighting. Hard times will steal these gifts from you if you let them. Promise me that you’ll keep on fighting, because you’re fighting to smile more than you frown…” Sadly, Mrs. Rose died two weeks later, but she had a smile on her face.

As a result of the hardships in my life, I nearly broke the promise I made to Mrs. Rose. I didn’t remember her words of wisdom until I decided to write this book. Jotting down our strong whys, and placing them in plain sight, helps us with remembering the important reasons for moving forward and fighting through our difficult times. Also, they give us a new perspective on our situations during the dreary moments that often summon defeat, discontent, and fear. Despite the ugliness that life reveals to us, we have, through the power of strong whys, the ability to rise above the hilltops of anguish and defeat. As Mrs. Rose indicated, the power stems from writing down our purposes, or strong whys, to keep us on the track of happiness. For those of us who have forgotten our strong whys, we have the opportunity right now to jot down the people, words, memories, or visions that will keep moving us forward. However, before letting our pencils touch the page, we must remember to have strong emotional ties to these motivating factors. After writing them down, place this list somewhere you’ll see it every day.

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1. _____________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________ 4. _____________________________________________________ 5. _____________________________________________________ 6. _____________________________________________________ 7. _____________________________________________________ 8. _____________________________________________________ 9. _____________________________________________________ 10. _____________________________________________________ Before we give in to fatigue and any other physically and mentally disabling obstacles that paralyze most people, we are to call on our strong whys for strength and move forward.

Seven

Get Back Up Again The Sixth Principle of Moving Forward "What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you." Ralph Waldo Emerson

he crushing weight of sorrow can bring us submissively to our knees, making our ability to rise again difficult. However, in light of our stress, we still can prevail. We can get back up again. I remember watching my youngest brother and sister, Eddie and Betty, attempting to walk for the first time. They were innocent and full of zeal—courageous. They didn’t worry about hitting their heads on the nearby coffee table, or even falling on the shagged carpet. Imminent danger surrounded them, but these kids were fearless. They had only one goal in mind: Get to Mommy on the other side. Wobbling left and right, they pattered toward their mark, falling within a few feet of starting, and sometimes within a few feet of my mother. Each time they fell, my sister Shameka and I would bring them back to the starting point. Fatigue eventually set in their little, pudgy legs. Defeated, they whined when we attempted to have them start over for the twentieth time. Numerous defeats eventually had obscured their vision. “Mom,” I laughed. “They’ve had enough!” “They can do it,” my mother uttered. “Come to Mommy!” Betty stopped crying and squirmed until Shameka released her. 99

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Eddie, on the other hand, looked up at me with his tear-filled eyes and buried his head into my chest. Shameka steadied the little one on her feet. Eyes focused on my mother, she wobbled a few steps to the left and fell hard. Surprisingly, she didn’t cry. Instead, she crawled back to the starting line. Once again, Shameka lifted her upright; Betty darted forward, sliding face first into the carpet. “Okay,” Shameka said, “I think she’s had enough!” “You think?” I chuckled, shaking my head. “She can do it,” my mother encouraged the nine-month- old contender. “Shameka, start her over again!” Shameka helped up the relentless, determined child. I continue to shake my head, thinking how pointless this was. Once Shameka let go of Betty’s little hands, she takes off. We all watch as she stumbles to the right, stopping and regaining her balance. Taking another step, she squats as if she’s ready to call it quits. Suddenly, she stands erect, never losing sight of my mother and her welcoming arms. She takes one more step, nearly tripping over her foot, but doesn’t fall. With only a few more steps to take, she springs and collapses in my mother’s arms, giggling triumphantly. Eddie sees his five-minute-younger sister in the champion’s circle. He kicks and squirms. Setting him upright on the floor, I hold his hands. He anxiously steps off before I can let go. He crashes onto his bottom, diaper first. “Come to Mommy,” my mother smiles, her arms open wide. Eddie falls a few more times. I had given up on the poor sap. Actually, I believe he did too, that is, until he looked at his sister. Her grunts and other cute baby noises must have meant, “If I can do it, you can too, Eddie.” Without warning, or as much as a sound, Eddie dashes from my hands and didn’t stop until he arrived safely into my mother’s arms.

As adults, have we forgotten our fearless youth, or our toddler courage? In our past, we all have experienced the effects of falling, but we somehow stood up again. Beat up and bruised, scarred and scratched, we probably cried or whined, but we refused to stay down. The way we face our challenges shouldn’t be any different. To help us rise out of our depression and into a state of happiness,

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maybe—just maybe—we should call on the courageous children we once were. Perhaps those children can speak sense into us, and help us remember our unwavering desire to get up.

I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up “Our greatest glory consists not in never failing but in rising every time we fall.” Oliver Goldsmith

In the 1980s and 1990s, there was a popular catchphrase used in a commercial for a medical alarm and protection company. The commercial depicted an elderly woman falling on the floor, with no way of getting up. Helplessly lying on the floor, she squeezes the company-provided pendant around her neck to connect her with an emergency dispatcher. She is soon rescued. Unlike the commercial, we don’t have a button to push that will dispatch someone to help us up when we have been beaten down emotionally and mentally. All we have is our own will. Life had weakened me and forced me to my knees. The energy to fight had departed me as I found myself drowning in the sea of anger and overcome by the thrashing waves of disappointment, sadness, and vengeful thoughts. Facing the loss of my home and my marriage, I blamed everyone else for my current and past mishaps. I faulted my stepfather for failing as an adequate father-figure. His wrongdoings predestined a bleak existence that I had attempted to escape many times. If I hadn’t undergone his malicious acts and psychologically impairing words, I may have lived a normal life. Perhaps then, I would’ve known about love, and in turn, my wife and I would have lived peacefully and happily. Instead, I only knew how to express my love through sex, manipulation, deception, and verbal assaults, as with all my other past relationships. I blamed my mother for terminating her parental rights. A more courageous act, such as ridding her life of my stepfather, Cheetah, would have spared me from assuming the responsibility of providing for my siblings at the age of 13. An honorable, yet sacrificial, action

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prevented me from experiencing a fun, mischievous adolescence as my friends had. I also blamed the Department of Social Health Services and the Child Protection Services. If these entities had helped me establish a stable life following my stint in the foster care system, I wouldn’t have experienced homelessness. I wouldn’t have lived penniless and wondered about my next meal. Perhaps then I could have jump-started my life and fulfilled my vision of going to college after high school. I even condemned my wife for her cowardice. Moving out of the house without respectfully saying goodbye drained me emotionally. Last, I blamed God, the all-loving, all-knowing, and all-powerful, omnipotent being, for giving me an unfavorable hand and taking away the people in whom I trusted, loved, and felt secure. If he hadn’t taken my great grandparents, Pappa and Mother, away from me, I may have had a blissful youth.

The weight of misery can keep us from lifting our heads up high enough to see the signs of hope. Many of us have fallen emotionally, mentally, and financially, and stayed down for so long that we have found comfort on the cold floor of anguish. When will we take responsibility for our lives? We must not blame other people, or our past circumstances for our current predicaments; rather, we should focus on getting back up again.

How to Get Back Up Again “If you get up one more time than you fall you will make it through.” Chinese Proverb

Life is filled with robbers and thieves wearing the clothes of unfortunate circumstance and adversity to knock us down as they steal our happiness. For our joy, they leave us misery, smiles for tears, and financial stability for economic destitution. Inevitably, we’ll face and get knocked down by one or more of these culprits. Each time we do fall, it’s up to us to get back up again. Many of us may believe that our faults, and the faults of others, make getting back up again an unbearable feat. We let painful heartaches, failed business ventures, and other

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adversity keep us immobilized, terrified, and feeling helpless. Nothing but our own decisions to stay down keep us down. One of the most effective ways to get back up is to grow spiritually.

Growing Spiritually “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared with what lies within us.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

Spiritual growth is essential in helping us get back up again. The condition of our spirit will determine whether we can or cannot overcome adversity or affliction when overwhelmed by defeat. As a foster child, my foster parents took me to church every Sunday. Why? I have no idea. When I asked my foster mother the purpose behind going to church so often, she said, “Because you need God in your life!” Little to her knowledge, I detested God for His failure to stop the chaos from happening in my young life. Called a Heavenly Father and Protector by the church community, God hadn’t protected my family from anything. He let my stepfather molest my 11-year-old sister, repeatedly. He permitted my stepfather to beat my mother without remorse. He allowed a grown man to molest me. He gave my mother the okay to terminate her parental rights, which led to my (and my siblings’) coerced stay in a perceivably broken system. Having God in my life, when I thought he was, did not make me anxious to go to church. Consequently, years later in to my adult life, the breakdown of my marriage forced me to reconsider accepting God. If He really existed, I needed Him to help me. I had grown tired of living with the hurt and pain associated with my past. I no longer wanted to hurt the people I loved. Moreover, I wanted to be rid of the self-loathing that drove me to many self-destructive activities. I tried counseling, but it only confirmed how messed up and broken I really was. I had nowhere else to turn.

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As I sat on the living room floor, crying uncontrollably, I remembered the words of my late foster mother: “You need God in your life!” Then, something weird happened. A small voice within me said, “Get up and take a walk!” Startled by the command, I dried my eyes and left home. I walked to the corner of the block and then headed up the little hill. A building on my left, from which the sounds of drums and singing escaped through the door, caught my attention. The larger of the two signs on it read, “Lost Sheep Ministries,” and the other, “You have just taken your first step in faith!” Grudgingly, I entered and took a seat nearest to the door. Eyes closed, I listened to the music as I cried. I had never felt so grieved. Following the choir’s musical selection, Pastor Gary Hay, Sr. approached the podium. He opened, “Regardless of what you are going through, God is still on the throne. When you can’t control the things that are facing you, give them to God…” Following the end of service, I spoke with the pastor and asked him if he could teach me how to grow spiritually. He looked at me compassionately as if the sorrow on my face told him everything I had going on inside of me. “It’s not an overnight process,” he said. “Keep coming here until you get the breakthrough you seek.”

Pastor Hay mentored me for seven years. The first couple of years were painful. I had to learn how to face all of my indiscretions, past afflictions, and take many looks in the mirror. Pastor Hay also challenged me to change my way of thinking. I had to think about compassion, not revenge. I had to exercise love without the expectancy of sex. Most important, I had to believe I was better than the person I had become—to think of productive alternatives, not destructive measures. The saying, “You can’t teach old dogs new tricks,” is partly true; however, if the old dog is willing to learn, he’ll become receptive to new teachings.

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It’s Not about Religious Practices “True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness.” Albert Einstein

Using the principle of growing spiritually to help us get back up again may appear to have a religious connotation. This is not necessarily true. As individuals, we all have different thoughts and beliefs about religion. However, the goal here is not for us to accept or negate any religious doctrine; it is to acknowledge the healing and life-enhancing power that growing spiritually offers us. These life-changing results are received by performing two critical tasks: renewing our minds, and applying the wisdom of suffering.

Renewing Our Minds: The First Step of Growing Spiritually “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” Romans 12:2 (ESV)

Despite what many of us believe, we are a medley of thoughts transformed into their physical forms. For example, if we think we don’t deserve a great man, woman, or professional opportunity, we’ll begin behaving in the correlating manner. We’ll appear closed off, communicate as if we are uncertain and unsure of ourselves, or find ourselves seeking out the type of persons who we know are unhealthy for us. Even though we can have anyone or everything we want in life, we may never possess them because of the way we think. Take Jenny, for example: When I first saw Calvin, my heart seemed to have skipped a beat. His brown eyes sparkled with confidence and direction, yet they were warm and inviting. My girlfriends thought I had found my perfect match. I did, too. He was a high-level executive for a marketing firm,

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a gentleman, and sharply dressed. He was totally irresistible. When he asked me out, I couldn’t refuse. After dating Calvin for about a year, I found out that I was eight weeks pregnant. I thought this situation would strengthen the bond we had, but I was wrong. Nothing could’ve prepared me for what was to come. I had invited Calvin over to dinner and planned on telling him the good news. So after finishing desert, we moseyed over to the couch. “I have something to show you,” I said excitedly. He smiled and said, “What?” I dashed to the bathroom and returned with the results of the home pregnancy test. “I’m pregnant!” I shouted, showing him the two blue lines. Since Calvin always had talked about wanting children, I thought he would join me in the celebration. He didn’t. Instead, he stared at me as if he didn’t know me, rose quickly to his feet, and walked slowly over to my fireplace. “What’s wrong?” I asked lovingly, trying to draw Calvin’s attention back to me. “I thought you would be happy!” Calvin remained silent, still looking away from me. I touched his shoulder, and oh my God, I saw a totally different side to him. “Get your hands off me!” he yelled, quickly turning around. “What? You think this is some type of damn game? Trying to entrap me?” Of course, I was blown away, startled. “Don’t you ever talk to me that way again, Calvin! What’s the problem? You said you always wanted children, to be a father, and here’s your chance!” “You need to get an abortion!” he hollered. “No, I won’t do such a thing. What’s wrong with you?” “No?” Calvin said, approaching me slowly. “No! I will not!” I couldn’t believe what happened next. The man I loved, who I saw myself spending the rest of my life with, backhanded me across the face, pushed me down to the floor, and kicked me repeatedly in my stomach. I grabbed his foot and tripped him. As I tried to escape, he grabbed me away from the door and continued slapping and punching me.

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As a result of his abuse, I lost the baby and suffered internal hemorrhaging. I nearly died. I know I should’ve left Calvin for his behavior, but I didn’t. I blamed that night on myself and took full responsibility for his actions. By the time I had gained the courage to call the police on Calvin, I had suffered 28 beatings during our three-year courtship. Some of the abuse resulted in a dislocated jaw, two broken ribs, and a concussion. My friends couldn’t believe the story after it was all over, and asked me why. “I loved him,” I answered, “and maybe I deserved it. It was part of the territory if I wanted to be with such a great man!” Boy, my thinking was wrong.

Tears fell from my eyes as I listened to Jenny’s story about her abusive past. As she spoke, I relived each punch, kick, and slap my stepfather gave my mother. When we fail to think positively about who we are and what we desire, we open ourselves us up to misfortune and other unwanted circumstances. When we consider our value, as Jenny finally did, we’ll begin attracting the type of lives we want.

Knowing Our Individual Value “The words ‘I am’ are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you .” A. L. Kitselman

To renew our minds, we must concentrate our efforts on understanding our individual worth. The price tag we put on ourselves tells the world what type of people and opportunities we will accept. Unfortunately, many of us have priced ourselves below the market price of happiness, and therefore become affordable for anguish and sadness. I finally had come to my senses and stopped thinking about my defeats. Such thinking led me to believe that I didn’t deserve a life of quality. Once I realized that it was up to me to determine my worth, not past relationships or financial hardships, I began thinking of myself differently. I deserved

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a loving wife. I deserved to be financially independent. I was capable of becoming a great leader, speaker and writer. Following this mind-renewing revelation, I read and recited one of the most powerful, life-enhancing quotes I ever read, by Marrianne Williamson: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” I keep this quote posted in plain sight and read it often, whenever I feel the thoughts of discouragement, inability, discontent, and unhappiness filling my mind. I have to remind myself who I am, what I deserve, and what I’m pressing forward to attain. As a result, my adverse thoughts become short-lived.

If we were to compare ourselves to highly valued, quality jewelry, what would we be? Some of us would be diamonds, some gold, and others platinum. Don’t these jewels and stones require a certain type of attention, more so than less valuable jewels and stones? Therefore, why don’t we make life treat us as rare gems as well? Unfortunately, it cannot do so unless we first determine our own value.

Applying the Wisdom of Suffering: The Second Step of Growing Spiritually “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the most bitter.” Confucius

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In the world of spiritual development, pain and suffering teach us wisdom— “the accumulated knowledge or erudition or enlightenment”— which is an essential ingredient in restoring our lives. For example, painful experiences help us recognize our inner imbalances, guide us to redefining our perceptions of “what’s most important,” and urge us to rediscover the invaluable qualities we have to offer ourselves and the world. However, the application of wisdom from suffering comes with its own set of challenges. Many of us who suffer from afflictions and adversity turn to our own methods of numbing ourselves, rather than ask the question, “How can I use this pain to further impact the quality of my life positively?” My good friend, Kim, asks this question of herself repeatedly. 6,4,7,10,16,21,24,31. For some, what seems like a series of lotto numbers are actually the ages at which I was told that my life would end. From six months until the current age of 32, I had been given pink slips for my position here on earth. Diagnosed at four months old with sickle-cell anemia, I had to hear doctors tell me and my parents discouraging statements such as, “She won’t be able to survive…,” “We have done everything we could…,” and, “I’m sorry. There is nothing else we can do....” Often, in severe pain during a “crisis”—the moment Sickle Cell overtakes the body and causes hospitalization for days or weeks—I pray for peace in my body and spirit. Sometimes, I felt I was going to die. However, I decided long ago that I had a mission to complete in this life, and I was not going to let my illness overcome me. Therefore, I make it my duty to help empower others with this disease to hold on by speaking on behalf of many organizations that are devoted to curing this illness. Despite what doctors may say, I am not dying of Sickle Cell; I’m living with it, and I refuse to be a victim.

The wisdom of suffering implies that we change our attitudes about our situations. It tells us that we’re being groomed for a greater purpose, and that we are to look for ways we can help ourselves heal by helping others to cope and overcome as well. Moreover, wisdom from suffering enlightens us with the importance of cultivating optimism, hope, faith, fortitude, and vision. As

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mentioned in Galatians 5:22-23, the attributes of someone who has gained wisdom are, “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”

Yes We Can! “Our own thoughts of being great are the only voices we should listen to!” LaDon

Despite our political stances, there’s much we can take from the electrifying and emotionally stirring speech that President Barrack Obama delivered prior to winning his presidency. The message implied that despite our pain and suffering, we are capable of changing how we proceed in life. We can turn around our lives and start from the moment we decide to rise out of the darkness of uncertainty, hopelessness, and discouragement to become our own ally of success. “…but in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people…Yes We Can!”

Regardless of our sleepless nights, nervousness about tomorrow, and the perceivably insurmountable obstacles we face, we can restore our lives if we just get back up again. Renewing our minds and applying the wisdom of suffering take time to implement because we need to recondition ourselves to change the way we behave during our times of affliction. As difficult as it may appear, we can do it. There’s nothing impossible to the human spirit. Let’s silence the thoughts that oppose each of our missions by thinking and believing, “Yes I can!”

Eight

Evolve into Your True Self, The Seventh Principle of Courage “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female…” Genesis 1:27

he quote under this chapter’s heading should have more impact on us than we perceive, because it reveals the actual truth of who we are. When we think about the image of God, most of us (who are divine believers) would describe this being as powerful, loving, incredible, comforting, and enlightening. Just think, this is the image in which we were formed. This isn’t to say that we’re gods per se; rather, we have the innate power to determine the type of lives we want, regardless of our circumstances. Although we were created in this image of power, a majority of us will fail to see the truth of this statement because of our identity issues. We still wrestle with “Who we think we are,” and, “Who we truly are.”

Who We Think We Are “They say I am, therefore, I must be!” Ginelle Wymin

Who we think we are conflicts with who we really are. Many of us carry false self-images and inadequate perceptions of ourselves as mentioned in Chapter Six, Reject Doubt, because of our environmental conditioning. Our environments may restrict us from becoming the people we truly are. It’s no 111

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wonder why we find contentment in unhealthy conditions, behave socially inappropriately, or settle for lifestyles lesser than what we deserve. However, our environments also can help us to evolve . Recently, I accepted an invitation to speak at a graduation ceremony for men (former criminals) who were transitioning back into society. Upon exiting my vehicle, I walked across the street toward The House, the facility at which the ceremony took place. A scrawny young man approached me. “Are you from the airplane firm?” he asked, looking at my suit. “No,” I said with a smile, “I’m here for the party.” “Oh,” he replied, as if surprised. “I didn’t think you would come. Everyone else who was scheduled to speak today cancelled on us. I don’t blame them. Who would want to be in a room full of criminals? You can turn back too if you’d like. I won’t tell anyone you were here.” “My man,” I chuckled. “It’ll take more than your friends to stop me from attending this ceremony.” “So you’re not scared?” he asked, staring into my eyes. “If you knew my family and where I come from,” I laughed, “I’d ask you the same.” He shook his head, smiling. “Follow me,” he waved. “I’ll show you where we’re going!” The young man escorted me to the program director. After greeting each other, he took me aside. “These men are eager to listen to what you have to say,” he said. “The untimely cancellation of the other speakers has negatively impacted their morale.” I winked at him. “Let’s do something about that,” I said with a smile. The program director led me into a room where the majority of the men were eating chicken and watching a movie. Once everyone had finished, he turned off the television and stood before them. “Gentlemen,” he started, as I stood by the window, hands behind my back, “I have a special guest today...I give you Mr. Ellard Thomas!” After shaking the program director’s hand, I stood before the eager crowd. “Who am I standing in front of?” I asked the group. Silence filled the room. “What do you mean?” one gentleman in the far back asked.

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“Criminals,” an older man shouted. “You’re standing in front of criminals!” “Oh, am I?” I said. “Why would you say that?” “Because that’s what society says we are?” he answered, folding his arms. “We’re criminals!” “But are you truly a criminal?” I dug deeper. “I suppose so,” he replied. I took a glance around the room. Each man stared back, waiting patiently for my response. I pondered the information the program director had given me about each man in the room. “I don’t see a room filled with criminals,” I blurted out. “I see a room filled with fathers, budding entrepreneurs, and men seeking to reestablish their lives. I see men who were once hindered from achieving greatness because of the decisions they made based on who thought they were…” Following the one-hour speech turned workshop, each man realized what he needed to do in order to begin living out who he truly was.

Whether our self-perceptions are created by our past, influenced by society, or our adverse conditions, we do not have to accept them as who we truly are. For example, the gentleman who said I was standing in front of a room full of criminals accepted the thought of being a criminal. He didn’t realize that he carried a false image, like one of his constituent s, Ron. As a child, Ron had dreams of becoming a mechanic like his father. He loved the idea of building and fixing cars with his hands. Unfortunately, when cars became more technologically sophisticated, there was no place in the market for Ron’s uneducated father. As a result, he was fired. Rather than finding the resources to help him familiarize himself with the new technological advances, Ron’s dad turned to an occupation of robbing and stealing as a means of earning money. Inevitably, the police apprehended him following a strong-arm robbery, which resulted in Ron’s father serving 20 years in prison. Often told by his mother that he would end up just like his father, Ron abandoned the idea of being a mechanic. Somehow, he thought being a mechanic would mean being pushed into a life of crime.

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Therefore, he skipped the idea of pursuing his passion and jumped into the criminal world. Starting out by stealing mail from neighbors’ mailboxes, Ron graduated to pickpocketing, carjacking, and later burglary. Just like his father, he ended up in jail.

When we succumb to, and accept, the perceptions of outside influences as our own, we become thrown in a world of confusion. We then live our lives based on others’ definitions of us. As a result, we sabotage any chance at living our lives on our own terms.

Becoming Who We Truly Are “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself. “ Harvey Fierstein

Each of us has experienced, or currently faces, hardships. Unfortunately, these hardships have shaped the way we think and behave, and they have prevented us from getting closer to our true selves. We are not truly abusive, irrational, inadequate, or incapable people. However, many of us have been misled to believe we’re something we’re not, and have accepted these imposed beliefs as truths. This being said, we must make a decision to transform into our true selves, just as Pyllo, the caterpillar, does. For much of his life, Pyllo, the caterpillar, is a hideous creature, crawling along the earth accepting whatever comes his way. Predators find him a delightful treat because of his limited agility and inability to defend himself. Life has little opportunity for this little fellow. After avoiding becoming an appetizer for his foes, Pyllo eventually enters a cocoon—the pupal stage, the metamorphic bridge between his current identity and his true self. This is the stage in which he transforms from being a simple critter to a wondrously beautiful addition to nature’s allure. As a new creation, the butterfly—his true self—Pyllo ascends and descends as he desires, leaving behind a shell that represents a difficult past of fear and uncertainty.

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The majority of us are no different from Pyllo. In our current—or false— identities, we are hideously indecisive and unattractively unsuccessful because of our fears and apprehensions, and we have limited agility to escape the predators of failure, defeat, lies, and discontentment. Until we enter our own cocoon (the place in which we transform to our true selves), we’ll remain lowly beings who will only dream about living a different life.

Our Cocoon—The Realization of Who We Truly Are “First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination.” Napoleon Hill

Unlike Pyllo’s cocoon—the protective shell in which his transformation took place—our cocoon is the moment when we realize who we truly are. It’s when we become fully conscious of our inner, greater person. The reflection of the mirror no longer reveals a false image, but presents an individual of great worth, whether a business professional, loving spouse, compassionate parent, wise mentor, or incredible contributor to society. While in this state of mind, we see ourselves as successful, happy, enlightened, and strong. We become hopeful of things to come. We become receptive to, and welcome, the possibility of personal and professional restoration. As a result, we dissolve our self-sabotaging beliefs and begin changing how we perceive ourselves and our conditions. Two near-death experiences should have killed me, but they didn’t. Years of physical and sexual abuse should have led me to a life of crime, but they didn’t. The crippling heartaches stemming from multiple failed relationships and my marriage should have prevented me from desiring love again, but they didn’t. Multiple job losses and failed business opportunities should have kept me from investing again, but they didn’t. The deaths of the people who truly cared about me should have stopped me from living life, but they didn’t. Discouraging words from people who thought I couldn’t become a writer or speaker should have stopped me from writing this book…but they didn’t.

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If I had not realized who I truly am, I may have gone in a different direction. The person I thought I was already had started down the road of self-destruction, but thankfully, I evolved into my true self.

Evolution—The Manifestation of the Inevitable “All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned, someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody, but myself.” Ralph Ellison, “Battle Royal”

I recall a conversation I had with my (then) mother-in-law. It’s funny how a few words would eventually have a strong impact on my life. I had come over to visit Ma Dukes (a name I had given her) as my wife went to get her hair and nails done. “Ma Dukes?” I said as she prepared dinner. “Yes, son,” she answered. “I believe I have completed everything I was designed for.” Ma Dukes smiled, turning her attention to her meal. “Ellard,” she said softly, “you haven’t yet arrived !” “What do you mean?” I asked. “You’re still young. Despite all you have undergone, and accomplished, you haven’t arrived. The greatest has yet to surface from within you!” I shrugged my shoulders, and changed the subject. I didn’t make much sense of her words until years later.

Ma Dukes, (divinely wise) must have known that I would face greater challenges that would bring out the man I am currently—a man of purpose, vision, encouragement, compassion, sensitivity, integrity, and confidence. Also,

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she must have known that I was merely going through the motions of existing instead of living. I wish she could have given me a heads up. Once we start living our lives as the people we truly are, the work does not stop. We must sustain as these great people, because life will continue to test the fabric of our new selves. The simplest way to evolve into (and sustain) our true selves is to consistently use the previous six principles of courage. • Choose: The First Principle of Courage The power to choose gives us the chance to begin life anew, and helps us confront our apprehensions about moving forward. The choices we need to make help us build the foundation upon which to restore our lives. Certainly, some of the decisions we must make may appear overwhelmingly painful and frightening; however, settling for states of unhappiness and unfavorable conditions is unacceptable. If we refuse to make the choices necessary for the attainment of our desires, we cannot blame anyone or anything but ourselves. It is up to us to determine if the work to become who we truly are is worth it. Many of us may not evolve because we are lazy or fear admitting and facing our issues. If we fail to make the tough decisions necessary to better our lives, we should never become angry about our outcomes. To make no decision is a decision within itself. • Oppose Failure: The Second Principle of Courage Every choice we make creates an opportunity for failure to greet us. Challenges and temporary defeats are inevitable, inescapable. As this is the case, we shouldn’t use these obstacles as excuses to submit to cowardice. Instead, we are to face every emotionally and physically challenging circumstance with our minds set on achieving our happiness. Determination will trump life’s insidious plans for our failure every time. Let’s avoid giving hardships victory over our lives by becoming a stronger opposition.

Use the Power of Negative Emotions for Positive Action: The Third Principle of Courage

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Every encounter with temporary defeat can stir up negative emotions within us. Often times, the strength of these adverse emotions causes us to engage in self-destructive activities, such as over-indulgence in smoking, sex, unhealthy eating, drugs, and violence. As emotional creatures, we cannot avoid the feelings of disappointment, anger, betrayal, dissatisfaction, or any other negative emotion that we’re capable of experiencing. However, we can use these potent energies to push us further toward our desired results. We can use our alternative actions list to do this.

• Reject Doubt: The Fourth Principle of Courage No matter how many times we don’t achieve a particular desire after numerous attempts, or how painful and debilitating our past is, we still can acquire the lives we want. We can become the powerful beings we were destined to be instead of vessels of doubt. Starting today, we can begin living victoriously if we learn to reject doubt from our minds by using the power of belief. By first acknowledging and removing our lies, and telling ourselves a new story, we can live out our visions. Remember, belief is the essential element to rejecting our doubts. • Acknowledge Your Strong Whys: The Fifth Principle of Courage Under the duress of negativity, exhaustion, and overwhelming circumstances, we must remember the reasons, people, and purposes behind our desire for restoring and rebuilding our lives. Without these inspiring factors, we may not surmount the inevitable challenges before us. Our strong whys are just as important as the air we breathe. Whenever we feel depleted of our own ability to carry on, these external sources of power restore the fight within us, and help us counteract the thoughts of quitting. They will keep us moving forward when all signs say, “Stop!” If we remember our reasons for overcoming hardship and finding happiness, there is nothing capable of stopping us.

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• Get Back Up Again: The Sixth Principle of Courage Seldom do we achieve our end results with our first attempt. Sometimes acquiring the lives we desire takes a second…third… fourth…or fiftieth attempt. Numerous failed attempts at love, financial security, and anything else to which our happiness is tied cause us to fall. We only need to get back up again. Getting back up again suggests that we grow spiritually, that is, to liberate our minds from inhibiting thoughts and applying the wisdom of suffering. Suffering, as mentioned here, means any undesirable feeling or condition that keeps us from experiencing happiness. As a result of growing spiritually, our inner self gives us additional strength to improve the quality of our lives. • Evolve into Your True Self: The Seventh Principle of Courage Despite how we often see ourselves, we are powerful people, capable of turning our thoughts into reality. Who we think we are conflicts with who we truly are. Regardless of our past or current circumstances, we are not inadequate, unloving, damaged, unattractive, impoverished, unworthy, undeserving, and/or incapable. Accepting other’s definitions of who we are and other misguiding factors have blinded us from seeing the light of greatness within ourselves. Despite all we’ve undergone, we are an elite group of people who are—through the consistent application of the other six principles— loving, capable, leaders, who are worthy, attractive, affectionate, ambitious, successful, happy, powerful, courageous, peaceful, faithful, opportunistic, imaginative, and creative. By becoming who we truly are, we can see opportunity where others may see misfortune.

The Road Less Traveled “Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.” Erich Fromm

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Even with a map or guide to help us become who we truly are, many of us will never get there. We’ll never evolve. Instead, we’ll see the journey of becoming such a magnificent being as daunting, too painful, or requiring too much effort. We’ll convince ourselves that we’re content with living beneath our potential. As a result of this thinking, our existence will end in regret. To become who we truly are, we must be willing to do the tasks that others refuse to do. As mentioned before, we must make the hard decisions that may hurt initially. We must oppose failure. We must use our negative emotions for our construction, not our destruction. We must develop our minds to reject doubt. We must arm ourselves with our strong whys—our motivating factors. Moreover, we must get back up again and again until we have attained the results we desire. In life, quitting is the only activity that requires no effort. Robert Frost’s poem, The Road Not Taken, illustrates this point. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim Because it was grassy and wanted wear, Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I marked the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

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Right now, we are at the crossroads; either we take the road of accepting our current conditions as fate, or we can evolve into the powerful men and women we truly are. Becoming these individuals after being different people for so long is not easy. Anything worth having rarely is. Therefore, letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s keep moving forward through our challenges until we become our greater selves.

Nine

Mastering the Art of Living Courageously “My life is my message!” Ghandi

ife is too short. We cannot afford to live another moment in negativity, discontentment, anger, or with any other happiness-opposing condition. Also, we cannot waste precious time blaming other people and situations for our unproductive, self-destructive behaviors. We can only keep moving forward, courageously. Throughout this book, we recognized the essential principles necessary to restoring our lives. Some of these principles may have provoked thought; others may have caused anxiety. Either way, these principles are meant to help us achieve our desires even during times of affliction or hardship. As mentioned earlier in this book, it takes courage to live fulfilling lives following calamity. As much as we would like to live without complications, we must realize such an existence is not possible; to think otherwise is purely delusional. Living courageously, as we will discover, is a skill. Mastering this skill means we’re to practice using the seven principles of moving forward courageously consistently. There isn’t a “use once and I’m done” solution, because life has many ways of robbing us of our happiness. For this reason, we must arm ourselves with these “secrets.” Memorize them. Keep them close. Practice them daily.

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Stating the Obvious “Ninety percent of the world's woe comes from people not knowing themselves, their abilities, their frailties, and even their real virtues. Most of us go almost all the way through life as complete strangers to ourselves -- so how can we know anyone else?” Sidney J. Harris

The seven principles of moving forward courageously are not new. We all have applied one or a few of these methods in our pasts. If we were to recall some of the situations we had to overcome, we would recognize at least the first principle: choose. The remaining principles will act as a guide when we face other inevitable challenges. True self-help takes place when we recognize that every essential element to achieve success, love, and happiness is within us, not necessarily in some book. The books we read should only remind us of this, as with the seven principles of courage.

Living is a Gift "You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now." Joan Baez

Sometimes it may not seem like it, but living is a gift. Each day we are given the opportunity to further define ourselves and discover what makes us happy. Each challenge is to help us recognize what it means to love, to be happy, to find purpose, and to touch the lives of others. Granted, many of us may feel that we have been treated unjustly or unfairly. Does this negate the fact that our lives, despite what we’re undergoing, are gifts? As we ponder our new perspectives on life, let’s step away from focusing on our hardships for a moment and acknowledge that the air we breathe in is a gift; being in a relationship is a gift; the ability to grow spiritually is a gift; having friends and family is a gift; learning from past defeats and challenges is a gift; imagination is a gift; and everything else that brings out our greater self is a gift. Even when we’re not enjoying our lives, we have been afforded the opportunity to make our lives better .

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Keep Moving Forward, Courageously “The action required to sustain human life is primarily intellectual, everything man needs has to be discovered by his mind and produced by his effort.” Ayn Rand

Before we end our journey together, I’d like to share with you something I captured during my mentorship with my business mentor, Coach. This memory continues to help me keep moving forward as I apply the seven principles of courage in my life, daily. Sitting at my desk, waiting for Coach, I grow impatient. I look out the window. A rainstorm has just hit the city. Drivers turn on their hazard lights to avoid getting rear-ended. Light poles and street signs sway in the heavy gusts. Frantic, I run to the back of the building, hoping Coach is in his office. He isn’t. I call him on his cell. No answer. Wondering if he’s outside, I open the door. My eyes widen at a magnificent sight. One hand holding his bowler hat (to keep it from flying off his head), the other grasping his cane for balance, Coach leans into the ferocious winds. Temporarily losing ground, Coach struggles forward, recovering from his lost inches. I run to Coach’s aid, nearly colliding with the aged, soaked soldier. Extending my arm, I yell, “Take my arm!” He ignores my offer, and continues pushing forward. I walk with him, fighting the strong drafts. In the midst of flying tree branches and swaying power lines, Coach looks at me with a smile. “It’s all a part of life,” he says, picking up his fallen sign. “The sun will return, Ellard. We just gotta keep moving forward until it shines again!” I look at him, momentarily confused. His words made sense.

The Sun Will Return “There has to be evil so that good can prove its purity above it.” Buddha

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Nothing lasts forever. Even the most destructive storms must come to an end. Sometimes we forget this fact because we cannot anticipate the end of our hurt and suffering as we focus only on the destruction the storms have created. When my wife called it quits, I felt a pain like none other. I couldn’t eat or sleep for days. Every agonizing moment seemed eternal. In the weeks following the divorce, my family began to worry about me. I had lost 20 pounds and suffered other physical ailments. Nothing I did ended the pain. However, one particular day, I had a breakthrough. With the support of my close friends and family, I realized that I was a good person despite the problems I had in my marriage. I suffered as long as I did because I took on the burden of both my wife’s and my own marital mistakes. Years later, I am healthier than ever, happier than I thought was possible, and I am determined to stay this way. The storm came to an end for me, and it will for you as well. We must keep reminding ourselves that we will make it!

Inevitably, the strong winds and rains of adversity will push us back or cause us to fall down, and it will appear that there’s no end to our suffering. However, before we give up, let’s hold on to the fact that the sun will return. Until it does, let’s keep moving forward, courageously. Before we part ways, I leave you with the following inspirational quote: “The seeds of greatness are often watered by the rains of adversity. From these treacherous conditions, in which hope seems to run down the sewer drains of life, will emerge kingly men and queenly women, once unknown to themselves and others, who will remind the world of the endless possibilities hidden within misfortune. May their enchanting voices of victory echo throughout the generations to come—to tell them that the power to walk and dance on the clouds of happiness reside within their minds, spirits and souls —not on the rocky cliffs other people’s thoughts and abilities!” Ellard Thomas

Special Prayer for You “Prayer is more than meditation. In meditation, the source of strength is one's self. When one prays, he goes to a source of strength greater than his own.” Madame de Stael

s I had mentioned earlier in this book, I am a firm believer of prayer. I have experienced healing, success, favor, wisdom and happiness due to this powerful activity. Regardless of your faith practices or beliefs, it is important that I pray for your current healing and restoration as well as you future success and happiness. Take a moment to read the one dedicated to you, and I pray God give you the power of belief for it to come to fruition. (Prayer for him) Father God, I pray that you bless this great man with power, healing, comfort, wisdom and fortitude to overcome life’s challenges and obstacles. Present to him opportunities that will restore love, money, and happiness back in his life. May the wrongs of this spectacular individual be forgiven as you bestow countless blessings upon him. Give him favor with people. Let courage manifest itself in every area of his life. If he has lost love, restore it. If he desires financial success, give him a vision on how to be financially independent forever. If he’s struggling with depression, or cannot find reasons for enjoying life, help him see his immeasurable value and worth. If he’s a father, bless his child or children. And if he’s a husband, help him with becoming an unshakable leader who is understanding, compassionate, humble, and courageous for his wife and family. Help him become an example of a great man to his son(s) and the type of man his daughter(s) can be proud. I pray his

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life has a greater meaning as you give him unlimited power to conquer every past, current, and future affliction. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

(Prayer for her) Heavenly Father, I pray you strengthen this great woman. Bless her mind and give her the desires of her heart. Help her see how important she is to her community, business, family and partner. Give her favor with the people who can help her increase satisfaction, peace, and contentment in her life. Remind her how remarkable she is as a queen. Help her face and overcome any obstacle that is preventing her from restoring love, money, success or health in her life. If she lacks vision, give her one. If she suffers from heartache, give her healing and peace. I rebuke depression, poverty, illness and discontentment in her life. Instill in her the wisdom to achieve long-term joy and the ability to be a leader. Also, help her become that leader she is destined to become. If sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a mother, aid her in becoming a more powerful caretaker. If sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a wife, give her the power of understanding and the desire to keep her home together. If sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a mother, bless her and her children with positive communication, direction and endless love. Forgive her for her past, current and future mistakes while providing her the knowledge necessary to prosper spiritually, mentally, financially and physically. Protect her as she moves forward courageously in her life. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Thank You The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you John E. Southard

thank God, the omnipotent power, who has blessed me with the countless challenges I had to endure and the power and wisdom to surmount them. Without Him I could have been overtaken by any affliction I faced. I am forever His servant. I thank my father, Terence Taylor, and my mother, Vanessa Hunter. Your gift of life has given me the opportunity to invoke countless men and women to greatness. I pray God continues to bless you. I thank my brothers and sisters: Chris “Vamp” Hunter, Eddie “Deano” Hunter, Chris Coleman, Ki’von Taylor, Shameka “Meka” Finister, and Betty “Missy” Hunter. You all are great men and women. Your immeasurable love and support will never go forgotten. Keep achieving and continue in the spirit of excellence. I thank the “kings” in my life: John Arnold, Pastor Gary Hay, Sr., Dennis “Downtown” Wagner, John Arnold, Michael Daniels, Eric Bremner, Matt Bash, Cochise Moore, Brad Powell, Perry Wilkerson, Uzondu Agochukwu, and H.D. Rhodes. Gentlemen, your devotion to being great men have helped me more than you could ever imagine. I thank the “queens” in my life: Keyamo “Magwai” Fuller, Kimberly “Nicah” Seagroves, Christin “Penguin” Cormier, Lakasha Spicer, Christina Spencer, Rosemary Arnold, Carla “Ms. J” Jackson, Rhonda Wilkerson, Erica Porter, Martonne NeVille, Carol “Ma Dukes” Spicer, Alexandria Crump, Sophie Salazar, and Persia Brown. I am eternally grateful for having each of you as a part of my life. I pray God bless you with all you desire. I thank the distinguished men of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. for mentoring me and being examples of great men of God, leadership, achievement 129

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and integrity. I am proud to be among you. Continue to impact the lives of young men so they can become among the great leaders of tomorrow. I thank the outstanding men and women of the Divine Nine: Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc., Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc., Iota Phi Theta Fraternity, Inc., Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc., Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc., Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc., and Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc. I pray you continue to empower, uplift and encourage the young men and women in our communities to reach their definition of success. I thank the courageous men and women of the Armed Services for devoting their lives to safeguarding our country. I pray God bless you and your family for the sacrifices you have made for this great nation. Last, but definitely not least, I thank the rest of my family and friends. Each one of you had played a role in helping me rise above mediocrity. I pray God bless each and every last one of you with your heartâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s deepest desires.

References Consulted

References Consulted Better Health Channel. Tai Chi Health Benefits. http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Tai_Chi The Diving Life Society. Yoga in Daily Life. http://www.sivanandaonline. org/graphics/sadhana/yoga/yoga_dailylife.html New Beginnings. Accomplishing Dreams Requires Balance. http://hubpages.com/hub/Accomplishing-Dreams-Requires-Balance The Holy Bible, NKJV. The Holy Bible, KJV Stevenson, Robert. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Library of Congress. Frost, Robert. The Road Not Taken. http://www.readprint.com/work-705/ The-Road-Not-Taken-Robert-Frost Bhole Prabhu. The Meaning and Purpose of Yoga. http://www.swamij.com/yoga-meaning.htm Piper, Watty. The Little Engine that Could. Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Dan Caro http://www.dancaro.com/bio.htm Barack Obama, President of the United States of America http://www.barackobama.com

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