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Mermaids, Sirens and NerhidesHow to distinguish between them without getting yourself killed The aquatic set are tricky to navigate when encountered, and generally not too friendly with land dwelling humans. If you’re lucky, they only care about the pollution in their ecosystem and will let you escape with your life and most of your possessions (they always take your sweets for some reason, and kelp-based merfolk are very fond of jelly beans), but if you use the wrong sort of greeting to a Nerhide during their yearly rage season, you won’t live long enough to apologise. There are many subspecies of merfolk, but the most important thing to look for is their organic base. If they are more plant than person (these types mainly dwell in lakes), they are mostly inoffensive. There is only one way to provoke them- littering. If you so much as drop one crisp packet in their water, be prepared for them to throw it back at you along with a few thousand fishbone arrows. The fishy sort with long flowing hair and beautiful voices are called sirens. They are fine to observe from a distance (with ear plugs of course, although blasting death metal seems to drive them away if you don’t have any at hand) and if they realise that you aren’t listening, they revert to enticing you with incoherent sign language. At this point, it is best to run away lest you understand what they are trying to spell out. Their intention is only to drown you, so under no circumstances should you get into the water with them. Nerhides should be avoided at all costs. They are the most bloodthirsty, carnivorous things to live below sea level and will not hesitate to dismember you if you approach them in the winter months, or if your face displeases them in any way. Nerhides have extremely sharp teeth and propeller-like tails which they use to barrel through the water with force equal to a torpedo. If you have the misfortune to see one, be sure to observe the shells adorning her tail. Each one represents a kill she has made. You should be especially afraid if you see that she has run out of space on her tail and has started to decorate her upper body. Fortunately, on land they can only move at about twenty miles per hour, so you may be able to outrun one if you have bionic legs.
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The Cryptid Enthusiast Spotlight: Life in the Nessie Fan Club Praxide .R. Anwhistle
The Loch Ness monster is a subject that has puzzled and perplexed people for centuries, and for the first part in our series on the world’s most famous cryptids, I’ve been catching up with Doctor Cassandra Singh of the Loch Ness Monster Research and Protection Society (LNMRPS) in Inverness. PA: Hello, Dr Singh. Thank you for letting me talk to you today. Hi! It’s great that you were interested in our cause- I mean, you could have picked any other cryptid (I hear that the Mexicans have made great progress recently in tracking the Chupacabra, but we don’t even know what Nessie is), but thanks for featuring LNMRPS in your series. PA: What is your role in LNMRPS? Can you tell me a bit about the organisation? I’m the deputy chairperson of the society and I am also in charge of the research branch… Basically, I’m on the ground with the other researchers in gathering evidence of the creature’s existence. There are about thirty of us in LNMRPS, which was formed three years ago by our ‘wise leader’ after a lot of discussion in online forums. Since then, we’ve made it our mission to find and conserve Nessie’s species. PA: Do you ever go on monster hunting expeditions as a group? Of course! We have a base house on the loch shore and we go out at least twice a week. When the entire society is together, we set up people in all the hotspots, and on the Curiosity (my boat), with walkietalkies and binoculars. It’s almost like we’re pulling off some sort of spy recon mission or something. PA: There have been many theories as to Nessie’s species- a Plesiosaur, a sea snake, a dragon or even an abnormally large mollusc. What do you think? Well, I’m not really sure… *laughs* Whatever she is, she’s definitely amphibious- and very fast. Anyone who has truly caught a glimpse hasn’t even had the time to pull out their camera. PA: Have you ever seen the creature? Once. About fifteen years ago- that’s what got me into all this stuff. I was here on holiday and she was just there! It was amazing. But since then, nothing. I usually show up by the time she’s gone. I’m not saying she’s my white whale, but… Yeah, she’s definitely my white whale. I don’t think I’ll rest easy until I see her again; just having proof isn’t enough.
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