welcome to the theater
C ONGRATULATIONS!
You’ll be working with your creative team and fellow cast members to put on a musical. Before you begin rehearsals, there are some important things you should know.
This book is your script. Whether putting on a school production or rehearsing a professional show, every actor, director, and stage manager works from a script. Your script contains some additional information like this introduction and a glossary. You can look up any bold words in the glossary at the back of this book. Be sure to take good care of your script, and use a pencil when taking notes in it, since what you’ll be doing onstage can change during rehearsals.
One of the first things you’ll need to learn is what to call the various areas of the stage. Since most stages used to be raked, or tilted down toward the house, where the audience sits, we still use the term downstage to refer to the area closest to the audience and upstage to refer to the area farthest from the audience. Stage left and stage right are from the actor’s perspective when facing the audience. The diagram above shows how to use these terms to label nine different parts of the stage.
what to expect during rehearsals
You will be performing a musical, a type of play that tells a story through songs, dances, and dialogue Because there are so many parts of a musical, most shows have more than one author. The composer writes the music and usually works with a lyricist, who writes the lyrics, or words, to the songs. The book writer writes the dialogue (spoken words, or lines ) and the stage directions , which tell the actors what to do onstage and what music cues to listen for.
Your director will plan rehearsals so that the cast is ready to give its best performance on opening night! Remember to warm up before each rehearsal so that your mind, body, and voice are ready to go. Every rehearsal process is a little bit different, but here is an idea of what you can expect as you begin to work on your show.
music:
Since you’re performing a musical, it is important to learn the music early on in the rehearsal process. Your music director will teach the cast all the songs in the show and tell you what to practice at home.
choreography:
After you’ve got the music down, you’ll begin working on the choreography – or dance – in the show. Your choreographer will create the dances and teach them to the cast. The music and the choreography help tell the story.
blocking & scene work:
Your director will block the show by telling the cast where to stand and how to move around the stage. You’ll use your theater terms (downstage left, upstage right, etc.) a lot during this portion of the rehearsal process. You will also practice speaking your lines and work on memorizing them. Rehearsing your part from memory is called being off-book. Your director will help you understand the important action in each scene so you can make the best choices for your character’s objective, or what your character wants.
make the script your own
1 2 4 3 5 6 8 7
Always write your name legibly, either in the space provided on the cover of your script or on the title page. Scripts have a way of getting lost or changing hands during rehearsals!
Mark your lines and lyrics with a bright-colored highlighter to make your part stand out on the page. This will allow you to look up from your script during rehearsals, since it will be easier to find your place when you look back down.
Underline important stage directions, lines, lyrics, and individual words. For example, if your line reads, “It would go against everything we believe in” and your director wants you to stress the word “everything,” underline it in your script.
Save time and space by using the following standard abbreviations:
ON: onstage OFF: offstage
US: upstage DS: downstage
SL: stage left SR: stage right
CS: center stage X: cross
You may use these abbreviations to modify other instructions (e.g., you could write “R hand up” to remind yourself to raise your right hand). You may also combine them in various ways (e.g., you could write “XDSR” to remind yourself to cross downstage right).
Draw diagrams to help clarify your blocking. For example, if you are instructed to walk in a circle around a table, you might draw a box to represent the table, then draw a circle around it with an arrow indicating the direction in which you are supposed to walk.
Draw stick figures to help you remember your choreography. Remember, the simpler the better.
Mark your music with large commas to remind yourself where to take breaths while singing.
Although you should feel free to mark up your script, be careful it doesn’t become so cluttered with notes that you have a hard time finding your lines on the page!
If it’s so awful, just don’t have it.
PATRICE
EVAN
Yeah, right. Try telling that to my Mom. For Jews, your bar mitzvah is the one day everything in your life is supposed to be happy and perfect.
PATRICE
See, Catholics don’t have that day. It would go against everything we believe in.
EVAN
Besides, how hot your party is totally sets up how popular you’ll be. So I need this one to be the best! The best DJ in the best ballroom at the best hotel…
PATRICE … which is The Best Western.
(#3 – THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD begins.)
THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
EVAN: Come on. There's got to be someplace in this town.
EVAN: Limited to what?
PATRICE: Sorry, but your choices are like my life here: limited.
PATRICE: Well, um, okay.
some tips for the theater
Don’t upstage yourself. Cheat out so the audience can always see your face and hear your voice.
If you are having trouble memorizing your lines, try writing them down or speaking them aloud�
Always arrive at rehearsal on time and ready to begin. Bring your script and a pencil to rehearsal.every
It takes an ensemble to make a show; everyone’s part is important.
Keep going! If you forget a line or something unexpected happens, keep the scene moving forward. Chances are, the audience won’t even notice.
Be respectful of others at all times. Remember to thank the director and fellow cast and crew members.
Be specific! Make clear choices about your character’s background and motivation in the show.
Before the show, say, “Break a leg”– which means “good luck” in the theater.
Always be quiet backstage. And keep in mind, if you can see the audience, they can see you, so stay out of sight.
HAVE FUN!
13 JR. synopsis
EVAN GOLDMAN is a twelve-and-a-halfyear-old New Yorker who is going through some major life changes: his parents are getting a divorce, he’s been forced to move to Indiana, and his Bar Mitzvah is coming up (Thirteen). At least Evan has one friend in his neighborhood, PATRICE, and he explains how important it is that his Bar Mitzvah is the best party ever – but Patrice explains that Appleton, Indiana, does not have much to offer (The Lamest Place In The World). Although she feels bad for Evan, she’s glad he’s come to her town, since now they’re friends.
Evan plans to ask popular football star BRETT SAMPSON to come to his party. Brett, MALCOLM, EDDIE, and a few other GUYS are helping Brett prepare to talk to KENDRA (Hey Kendra). When the guys don’t have any ideas, Evan suggests that Brett take Kendra to a scary movie. Brett dubs Evan “the Brain” and stops Kendra and LUCY to invite Kendra to the movies on Friday night. Lucy interferes, saying that Kendra already promised to do something with her, but it’s obvious that Lucy is lying. Evan is convinced that Brett will attend his party and says as much to Patrice, who tells Evan that it won’t be fun because those guys hate her. Evan assures her that they don’t know her like he does.
Evan passes out his party invitations on the first day of school (Invitations). Brett accepts, and so do CASSIE and MOLLY –until Lucy notices that Patrice also has an invitation. The kids say they won’t go if Patrice will be there, so Evan takes her invitation and rips it in half. Patrice is devastated.
ARCHIE, who uses crutches due to muscular dystrophy, tells Evan he can make things right with Patrice if Evan gets him a date with Kendra. He says that Evan, as the new kid, has access to social groups in the school in a way that no one else does (Get Me What I Want).
In the gym, Lucy, Kendra, CHARLOTTE, and the GIRLS are at cheerleading practice. Through Lucy’s point of view, we learn that she’s jealous of Kendra and will do anything to go out with Brett (Opportunity).
Archie finds Patrice in the library, writing in her journal. Archie tries to convince her to give Evan another chance, but she is very hurt (What It Means To Be A Friend).
The next day, Brett asks Evan to get everyone Friday movie tickets for The Bloodmaster, an R-rated movie. The KIDS watch as Evan figures out the logistics. He goes to Archie for help, and they succeed (All Hail The Brain). Evan invites Patrice to the movie, and though she’s still mad at him, the prospect of going “out” with him is too good to refuse.
Suddenly, Evan realizes he’s set both Archie and Brett up on the same date with Kendra. He tells Archie that all he can do is sit by Kendra, and Archie agrees. On Friday, Archie is late, so Evan sits in his seat to save it. Patrice, sitting in the back row, tells him that Archie is in the arcade “waiting for the perfect moment.” Everyone is distracted by the gory movie as Brett wonders if Kendra likes him, Kendra wonders the same thing about Brett, and Patrice feels ignored by Evan. Finally, Archie enters, wearing a suit and carrying a bouquet of flowers. Archie takes his seat next to Kendra, and both he and Brett prepare to kiss her – just as Lucy pulls Kendra out of the way (Any Minute). Archie’s and Brett’s mouths meet, and RICHIE takes a photo of the moment. Archie tells everyone that Evan set him up on a date with Kendra, Brett tells Evan that no one will come to his party, and Kendra leaves. Lucy takes the opportunity to kiss Brett.
Evan laments that none of them will come to his party now, and Patrice is angry that he still cares what the others think – and that he paid no attention to her at all on their date. She storms off, and Evan swears that Archie is going to help him fix everything.
The next day at school, Malcolm and Eddie realize that Brett is being completely controlled by Lucy (Bad Bad News). Evan decides that if he can get Brett back together with Kendra, he’ll be the hero and everything will be forgiven. He convinces Malcolm and Eddie to take him to Brett, even though Brett wants to beat him up. Archie sends Patrice after him to help, and she and Evan suggest that Brett tell Kendra how he feels (Tell Her). Brett interrupts a fight Lucy and Kendra are having over him and declares his feelings for Kendra – but Lucy gets revenge when she starts a rumor about Kendra and Evan (It Can’t Be True). Lucy sets Kendra up to be caught with Evan and prove the rumors true. Brett catches them and threatens Evan, but Evan realizes that Brett has been a terrible friend all along and was never going to go to his party. He calls Brett a jerk, and Brett punches him.
Evan apologizes for taking so long to realize that Archie and Patrice were his true friends. Even though his Bar Mitzvah isn’t the huge party he’d dreamed of, he has his friends, family, and parents together. He realizes that even though things aren’t always perfect, they can still be okay (If That’s What It Is). The whole cast returns to bow (Brand New You).
13 JR. characters
(in order of appearance)
Evan
Goldman
Patrice
Brett
Sampson
Lucy
Kendra
Archie
Malcolm
Eddie
Charlotte
Molly
Simon
Richie
Ensemble: Teenagers, Boys, Girls, Kids, and Guys (including Guy 1)
Cassie
(#1 – THIRTEEN begins.)
THIRTEEN
(EVAN GOLDMAN, a twelve-and-a-half-year-old Jewish boy from New York City, addresses the audience.)
(EVAN steps forward to talk to the audience.)
EVAN: My name is Evan Goldman. I live at 224 West 92nd Street, in the heart of Manhattan, and my life just fell apart.
(EVAN:) You wanna talk about turning 13? It's a nightmare. First of all, my parents are splitting up.
(EVAN:) Second of all... (points to pimple on his chin) ... can you see this pimple? What is THIS? What did I do to deserve this? I've got one good thing happening this whole year: My Bar Mitzvah.
(EVAN:) The Jewish Super Bowl. I don't care how much my parents hate each other. They'd better pull it together and make sure everything about this party is absolutely, positively, for once, perfect!
Why are my friends act - ing
Why do I feel like my
Why do I feel like my
I wan - na ßy, wan - na
get rich, wan - na get GROUP 2:
œ œ œ
Wan - na get my brac - es off,
run, wan - na drive, Wan - na GROUP 1:
œ œ œ
free, wan - na get out! GROUP 3:
wan - na grow my hair long, but
wan - na get my nose pierced,
"No, you're not read - y!"
it's not time yet!"
"No, you're not read - y!"
it's not right now!"
it's not time yet!"
- es!" "Cour - ses!"
"Just set - tle down and ALL:
(Guitar solo and dance break. The KIDS' energy Þlls the stage. EVAN moves to center.)
craz - y and the scar - y And we're
just a - bout to turn THIR-
(Big finish. Evan’s phone rings. He answers it.)
EVAN
Hey Mom, what’s up? What? You never said anything about moving! Where? Indiana? Nooooooooooo!
(#2 – INDIANA TRANSITION begins. The entire set suddenly rips apart, and EVAN is alone on a windy plain with farmhouses in the distance; he has landed in the open Indiana bleakness.)
(EVAN)
Appleton, Indiana. No, seriously. My parents split up, my life falls apart, and now I’m in a town where UFOs go to refuel!
(PATRICE, a somewhat eccentric and bookish girl, enters and joins EVAN.)
PATRICE
I can’t believe someone finally moved in next door. I thought that house was haunted.
EVAN
(to audience)
At least there’s someone around here I can talk to. My next door neighbor, Patrice.
(to PATRICE)
Mom said she had to get as far away from New York as possible.
PATRICE
Wow. Sounds like the divorce got ugly.
EVAN
She tells me we’re leaving New York, but then she says, “It’s your decision,” which we all know means “You’re coming with me!” So she drags me away from my home and all my friends and now I have to have my Bar Mitzvah in Appleton, Indiana!
PATRICE
If it’s so awful, just don’t have it.
EVAN
Yeah, right. Try telling that to my mom. For Jews, your Bar Mitzvah is the one day everything in your life is supposed to be happy and perfect.
PATRICE
See, Catholics don’t have that day. It would go against everything we believe in.
EVAN
Besides, how hot your party is totally sets up how popular you’ll be. So I need this one to be the best! The best DJ in the best ballroom at the best hotel…
PATRICE
… which is The Best Western.
(#3 – THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD begins.)
The Lamest Place In The World
THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
EVAN: Come on. There's got to be someplace in this town.
PATRICE: Sorry, but your choices are like my life here: limited. EVAN: Limited to what?
PATRICE: Well, um, okay.
EVAN: Patrice, that can't be everything. There's gotta be more to do around
Wow, Patrice.
EVAN
PATRICE
Come on. I’ll show you the hillside where everyone waits for the Resurrection.
(PATRICE smiles and walks off; EVAN turns to us. The scene transitions to a park near the school.)
EVAN
It’s all working out. I’ve got a new friend who is as great as my old ones, if I can just get all the coolest kids to come to my party…
(Enter BRETT, MALCOLM, and EDDIE and some other guys, in the midst of a conversation. BRETT is the junior high school football star and not quite as smart as a postage stamp. EDDIE and MALCOLM are his goons.)
BRETT
Okay, guys, listen up.
EVAN
… Like Brett Sampson! He’s the star quarterback, he’s got eight million friends. If he comes, everyone comes. I just need a way in with him…
BRETT
Kendra is going to be here any minute. We have to get this right. What have you got for me?
EDDIE
Check it out, yo, we on it. 1, 2, 3, here we go... (#4 – HEY KENDRA (PART 1) begins.)
HEY KENDRA (PART 1)
(They sing/speak to an imaginary Kendra.)
Smooth "Barry White" groove
BRETT: Hey Kendra.
BRETT: I've been thinking.
(MALCOLM, EDDIE:)
Ken - dra… I been BRETT: Hey Kendra.
got - ta, got - ta, got - ta, got - ta
BRETT: I've been thinking.
BRETT: So true. (MALCOLM, EDDIE, A FEW GUYS:)
BRETT: ...bidness...
get all up in yo' bid - ness, girl.
And make you feel real
BRETT
Wait. What? Okay, stop! Yeah, not gonna work. Guys, Kendra’s a “good girl.” I say that, I’ll never get the tongue!
ALL GUYS (with wonderment) The tongue!
EDDIE
Where are you gonna do it, Brett?
BRETT
You two didn’t set something up? I’m very disappointed, Eddie. Malcolm. (They hang their heads in shame.)
EVAN
(to BRETT)
Hey. Brett. How about taking her to a scary movie? She’ll get terrified, inch her way closer, open her mouth to scream, and your tongue will just get sucked in with the jet stream!
(BRETT, MALCOLM, and EDDIE all turn to look at EVAN.)
BRETT
A scary movie! Who is this guy?
EVAN
I’m Evan Goldman. From New York.
BRETT
New York? Whoa! I’m gonna call you… Brain!
MALCOLM, EDDIE
Brain!
Brain.
EVAN
(EDDIE sees LUCY and KENDRA approaching.)
EDDIE
Incoming! Kendra, three o’clock…
(#5 – HEY KENDRA (PART 2) begins.)
Hey Kendra (Part 2)
HEY KENDRA (PART 2)
(KENDRA enters. She's the most popular girl in school and also the most oblivious.)
BRETT: Hey Kendra.
(LUCY, her best friend, comes running in and steps in front of KENDRA. LUCY, as a rule, is not to be trusted.)
(BRETT:) (deßated) Oh, hi Lucy.
LUCY: Lucky us, running into you when I'm looking so hot.
BRETT: Kendra, you look amazing.
KENDRA: I almost didn't wear this, but then I thought, (as if having a life changing epiphany) no. Wear it!
BRETT: Kendra, there's something I wanna ask you…
LUCY: Oh, no...
& 4 4 . . . . 4 2 4
BRETT: (suddenly he's Barry White) Hey Kendra.
BRETT:
thing! What thing? That thing you
KENDRA: Sure I'll come! LUCY: We so have to talk! (LUCY grabs KENDRA, and they exit.)
Oo, ba - by, we so
EDDIE: (GUYS:)
You gon - na get all up in her bid- ness, yo!
BRETT
Nice work, Brain. I’ll see you when school starts! (BRETT, MALCOLM, and EDDIE exit.)
EVAN
(to audience)
“I’ll see you when school starts!” I’m so in with Brett, which means everyone’s gonna come to my party… (PATRICE enters.)
… which is going to be amazing, thanks to all your help. Let’s get to school so I can pass out these invites.
PATRICE
Evan, wait. Before you pass these out… If those guys know I’m coming, there won’t be a party. I’ve been trying to tell you for the last month, they hate me.
EVAN
Patrice, come on. What makes you think they hate you?
PATRICE
They write, “We hate you” on my locker. Look, I don’t read what they read, watch what they watch, shop where they shop, or think like they think and neither do you. Trust me, you should stay away from those guys.
EVAN
They don’t know you like I know you. But you’re with me now. Come on. I have a good feeling about our first day at…
(to the audience, meaningfully)
Dan Quayle Junior High.
(#6 – INVITATIONS (PART 1) begins.)
INVITATIONS (PART 1)
ber, and I
EDDIE
know it's gon - na be…
Like, okay, so, what is a Barf Matzah anyway?
LUCY
It’s this Jewish thing where they make you talk backwards and wear funny hats.
ALL (EXCEPT EVAN AND PATRICE)
Oh.
EVAN
No, no, no! It’s a party. With a hot DJ, and wild dancing.
(The KIDS all look to BRETT.)
BRETT
That might be cool.
Count me in.
I’ll be there.
CASSIE
MOLLY
(LUCY sees PATRICE holding an invitation.)
LUCY
Hold on. Is the freak coming?
EVAN
Patrice?
MOLLY
Yeah. ’Cause if she comes, we’re so snubbing.
CASSIE
Count me out.
EVAN
Come on. What’s wrong with Patrice?
BRETT
She’ll be there.
And we won’t.
LUCY
MALCOLM
And if they don’t go, we don’t go.
EDDIE
Get it?
I told you. Come on, Evan…
PATRICE
BRETT
Make up your mind, Brain. (#7 – INVITATIONS (PART 2) begins.)
INVITATIONS (PART 2)
(BRETT:) It's either us... or her. (BRETT takes the invitation from PATRICE and gives it back to EVAN.) Up to you.
(Everyone freezes. EVAN turns to the audience.)
EVAN: (vocals last x) 4x
I've got
(EVAN makes a decision. He hands the invitation to PATRICE. BRETT and the others turn disgustedly to walk away, but in a panic, EVAN reaches, takes back Patrice's invitation, and rips it in half.)
Poco allarg.
BRETT: (to everybody) See what I told you? He is the Brain! (Group cheer.)
(PATRICE walks away, humiliated and reeling from the betrayal.)
(ARCHIE has entered. His energy and look are unlike anything else onstage, and he walks on crutches as the result of muscular dystrophy.)
What party?
(The KIDS pat EVAN on the back, cheer, and dance offstage, leaving EVAN looking for PATRICE. ARCHIE talks to EVAN.)
ARCHIE: Oh, hi! You're the new kid, right?
Oh yeah, hi. I’m Evan.
EVAN
ARCHIE
I’m Archie. I pass by your house every morning when you’re waiting for the bus.
EVAN
So, it’s been really great meeting you, Archie…
ARCHIE
Are you looking for Patrice?
You know Patrice?
EVAN
ARCHIE
Sure, she’s like my best friend. Also my only friend.
EVAN
Do you know where she is?
ARCHIE
Why? You wanna do something else to publicly humiliate her and ruin her life?
EVAN
Oh. You know about that, huh?
ARCHIE
Yeah, it’s already on YouTube. But I think I can help.
EVAN
Really? That would be amazing. I’d totally owe you.
ARCHIE
And then, you can do something for me? A deal, of sorts.
EVAN (tentative) Wait a second. What kind of a deal?
ARCHIE
A small deal. A no-big-deal deal. I need a date!
EVAN
Uh. Okay. And is there anyone specific you want a date with?
ARCHIE Kendra.
EVAN Kendra?
She wants me.
ARCHIE
EVAN
Come on. There’s no way I can get Kendra to go out with you. Archie, I’ve really gotta go find Patrice.
(EVAN heads off.)
ARCHIE
I understand. Even though it’s a sick boy’s dying wish, I don’t want you to feel any pressure…
(EVAN stops cold. With enormous reluctance, he turns back to face ARCHIE.)
EVAN
Dying?
Oh, did that slip out?
Really? You’re dying?
ARCHIE
EVAN
ARCHIE
I have a degenerative neuromuscular disorder.
EVAN
Look, I feel terrible, really, but I can’t get you a date with Kendra.
(#8 – GET ME WHAT I NEED begins.)
Get Me What I Need
ME WHAT I NEED
Bouncy pop
ARCHIE: There's exactly one person in this school who can help me, and that person is you!
free to ßit from group to group, from
scene to scene, 'Cause you're the
go - be - tween, Which means you're
per - fect - ly po - si - tioned to Get
BRETT: (as he crosses, pointing to ARCHIE) Yo Brain! That guy? Not cool.
EVAN: (yelling to BRETT) Okay, got it, thanks!
EVAN: I'll try. ARCHIE: I knew you would.
(#9 – GET ME WHAT I NEED (PLAYOFF) begins. They exit. The school bell rings. Transition to the school gymnasium. LUCY, KENDRA, and the GIRLS enter in their cheerleader outfits. KENDRA is running rehearsal. LUCY is determinedly unenthusiastic.)
KENDRA
Okay, this is it. I just made it up last night, so it’s a little rough, but it’s sooooo good!
(LUCY stands with her arms folded.)
LUCY
(dripping with disdain) Whatever.
CHARLOTTE
Lucy’s just jealous that Brett asked Kendra out instead of her.
LUCY
Charlotte! That’s a total lie! Let’s all learn the stupid cheer.
KENDRA
All right, let’s do it!
(She demonstrates, slowly:)
O-P-P…
O-P-P…
GIRLS
(#10 – OPPORTUNITY begins.)
OPPORTUNITY
(All the GIRLS begin learning the routine except for LUCY, who stands apart. We tunnel into LUCY’s brain.)
& # # 4 4 4
LUCY:
Brett wants Ken - dra to 5
(LUCY:) You know, Kendra, I'm just worried that maybe you're not ready. You need to work your way up to a "Brett."
KENDRA: You ARE jealous!
LUCY: Look. Brett asked you to the movies for one reason only. He wants to do "The Tongue"!
KENDRA: The tongue?
LUCY: The Tongue! And trust me, you won't like it.
KENDRA: Come on, let's go!
(The GIRLS—including LUCY—do the cheer in slow motion while we hear LUCY's thoughts.)
LUCY:
We could be king and
don't get foot - ball, but I
fake it real - ly well. I could
Half-time feel
GIRLS:
(The cascade begins, which consists of KENDRA being twirled from one girl to the next. It's complicated and depends on LUCY catching KENDRA at the end.)
(But just as it's LUCY's turn to catch, she steps forward to sing to us. In the process, KENDRA crashes noisily to the ßoor, just out of our sight.) LUCY:
What kind of best friend
did - n't take ad - van - tage of an
Op
(#11 – OPPORTUNITY (PLAYOFF) begins. Blackout. School bell rings. PATRICE is sitting in the library writing furiously in her diary. ARCHIE enters. PATRICE sees him and immediately jumps up and starts to leave.)
ARCHIE
Hey Patrice… wait.
PATRICE
I don’t want to talk now, Archie.
ARCHIE
It’s about Evan.
Especially about Evan.
PATRICE
ARCHIE
What he did, he really didn’t mean it.
PATRICE
Why are you sticking up for him?
ARCHIE
He’s a nice guy. He’s new. He made a mistake. And I think we’re going to be friends.
PATRICE
Good luck with that.
ARCHIE
Come on. Give him another chance.
PATRICE
Another chance? No, sorry.
(#12 – WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FRIEND begins.)
It Means to Be a Friend
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FRIEND
What It Means to Be a Friend
(PATRICE:) I've given "another chance" to every other jerk in this town. I thought there was something special about him. "Friend." Please.
(#13 – WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FRIEND (PLAYOFF) begins. Lights fade on PATRICE. #14 – SCHOOL BELL begins. School bell rings. A classroom, in the middle of a math test. KIDS enter. BRETT, MALCOLM, and EDDIE approach EVAN.)
EDDIE
Yo, Brain.
BRETT
Brain, your idea of taking Kendra to the movies was great. Now, get your mom to buy the tickets for The Bloodmaster.
EVAN
The Bloodmaster?
Friday night.
BRETT
EVAN
Wait. You want my mom to buy tickets for everyone?
BRETT, MALCOLM, EDDIE Yes!
EVAN
There’s no way my mother’s gonna buy tickets to an R-rated movie.
BRETT
I’ll make this easy. You want us all to come to your little Jewish party?
EVAN
Of course.
Friday night. 7:30.
BRETT, MALCOLM, EDDIE
(#15 – ALL HAIL THE BRAIN (PART 1) begins.)
ALL HAIL THE BRAIN (PART 1)
(BRETT and the GOONS walk away, leaving EVAN stymied. The KIDS are all whispering, passing the gossip as they take the test.)
Country-style train
col or Xer ox,
lam i nate it, Then - - - -
put the li cense
back in the wal let in her -
pic ture on the li cense that I
cop ied and I lam i nat ed, - - - - - -
Wear the dress,
Buy the tick ets... Poco Rit.
What could (As EVAN says, "What could go wrong?" he realizes just what a stupid plan this is. In despair, he listens to the KIDS passing more gossip along.)
go wrong?
Fri day night, Brett's
Fri
at
Brett's
Fri day night at the (KIDS getting louder, eventually yelling)
at the mall and
Œ Ó BRETT: (to EVAN, surreptitiously) Hey Brain, did you set up my date for Friday?
Brain's gon na get us in!
Date? BRETT: With Kendra! EVAN:
Date! (EVAN:) (eureka!)
(Desks are pushed, and ARCHIE is revealed. We are outside Evan's house. EVAN runs up to ARCHIE.)
(EVAN:) Archie, I have major news.
ARCHIE: They're making a musical out of Spider Man? (Note: The authors look forward to this joke changing every year.)
EVAN: No. Well, yes. But no.
ARCHIE: I have to talk to your mom.
(ARCHIE turns and smiles toward the audience. EVAN takes ARCHIE and walks him to his front door.)
EVAN
You can do this! I know you can. (#16 – ALL HAIL THE BRAIN (PART 2) begins.)
ALL HAIL THE BRAIN (PART 2)
(EVAN rings the doorbell and hides, his mother answers, and ARCHIE goes to work. While ARCHIE “talks” to Evan’s mother, EVAN paces nervously. ARCHIE comes back and whispers in EVAN’s ear.) 4x
(They look offstage as BRETT re-enters, followed by the KIDS.)
2 Back to Hoedown
BRETT: (to EVAN) Well? EVAN: It's done!
(The KIDS run off. EVAN sees PATRICE walking home through the playground.)
EVAN
Patrice. Wait.
I’m not talking to you.
PATRICE
EVAN
Look, we’re all going to the movies Friday night. Why don’t you come?
PATRICE
Just because Archie asked me to forgive you doesn’t mean I will. Honestly, why would I go anywhere with you ever?
EVAN
Because I messed up big time, and I want to make it up by asking you out.
PATRICE
(taken off guard)
Asking me out?
Out.
As in – “out” out?
That would work.
EVAN
PATRICE
EVAN
PATRICE
I’ll think about it. Don’t get your hopes up. I doubt it. Probably not. (She walks off. EVAN watches her go and then turns to the audience, slyly.)
EVAN
Oh yeah, she’s coming. And sure, to the inexperienced eye, it may look like I just set Brett and Archie up to be on dates with the same girl, on the same night, in the same place. (He knows.)
Oh no!!
(EVAN runs to Archie’s bedroom to do damage control.) So, Archie, listen, I need to talk to you about Friday night…
ARCHIE
Finally. Me on a date with Kendra. See, Evan. Miracles can happen.
EVAN
Okay, but this is Brett’s date with Kendra, and it’s important for me that it works out. So, you’re just going sit next to her, right? That’s all.
ARCHIE
Would I do anything to jeopardize you, after what you’ve done for me, Evan Goldman?
EVAN
So we’re good?
We’re so good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
ARCHIE
EVAN
ARCHIE
EVAN
13 JR.
(#17 – TO MOVIE THEATER begins. EVAN leaves. ARCHIE turns to the audience, smiling. #18 – ANY MINUTE begins.)
Any Minute
ANY MINUTE
(The movie theater. EVAN is next to KENDRA, who is next to BRETT. EDDIE and MALCOLM are behind them with LUCY. PATRICE sits in the back row. Gross sounds are heard.)
ALL: AAAHHHH!
EVAN: (to the audience) Friday night. The Bloodmaster. I did it. Everyone got in, Brett and Kendra are together, even Patrice made it. (a beat) And this movie... is disgusting. (A buzzsaw. A loud crunching noise. A splat. The KIDS react.)
& # # 4 4 . . . . 2 Death Metal 4x
PATRICE: Evan, I thought you were going to sit with me.
EVAN: I will. I'm just saving this seat for Archie, in case he shows up.
PATRICE: Oh, he's here! I saw him in the arcade. He said he's "waiting for the perfect moment."
EVAN: What?
PATRICE: What's going on?
EVAN: Uh – look, I'll be right there, okay?
PATRICE: (disappointed and suspicious) Okay. 7x
PATRICE: Evan, I thought you were going to sit with me.
EVAN: I will. I'm just saving this seat for Archie, in case he shows up.
PATRICE: Oh, he's here! I saw him in the arcade. He said he's "waiting for the perfect moment."
EVAN: What?
PATRICE: What's going on?
EVAN: Uh – look, I'll be right there, okay?
PATRICE: (disappointed and suspicious) Okay.
(The underscore for the horror movie turns into a gentle ballad. We focus now on BRETT, who is sitting petriÞed. KIDS react to the movie.)
Tender Pop Ballad
and she's sit - ting there.
and I don't know why
ENSEMBLE: (BRETT goes to kiss KENDRA but is abruptly interrupted by the KIDS shrieking.)
(BRETT:) (KENDRA, entirely in a different world, is equally petriÞed.)
(KENDRA:)
ENSEMBLE:
we'll be where
we ought to be...
(From the movie, the sound of a ßamethrower and a scream. Everyone winces.)
PATRICE: (to herself, looking forlornly at the back of EVAN's head)
(BRETT rises, trying to work up the nerve. KENDRA rises as well. They are obscuring the view of the KIDS behind them, who begin throwing popcorn and yelling.)
(As this is all going on, ARCHIE comes down the aisle wearing a slightly mismatched suit, holding a bouquet of ßowers. As BRETT and KENDRA sing, “Any time!” ARCHIE accidentally (or not) crushes BRETT’s foot with his crutch on the way to his seat.)
BRETT: Hey!
EVAN: Archie? What are you doing?
ARCHIE: (maneuvers to his seat by KENDRA) Thanks for your help Ev, but I'll take it from here.
(PATRICE raps sharply on EVAN's shoulder.)
PATRICE: Evan? What were you thinking?
EVAN: He promised he was just gonna sit next to her!
PATRICE: And you believed him?
ARCHIE: Hi, Kendra. Sorry I'm late. I was in the bathroom having an anxiety attack.
KENDRA: What? ∑ (KENDRA turns her attention immediately back to the screen, waiting for BRETT to make his move.)
ARCHIE: (to himself) This is it, Archie.
(ALL move in slow motion – ARCHIE squeezes his face, closes his eyes, and goes in to kiss KENDRA. BRETT, at the same time, turns his head, sticks out his tongue, and goes in for the kiss. EVAN sees, and as he mouths ‘Noooooo!’ reaches to pull KENDRA back. LUCY reaches in at the exact same time and also drags KENDRA out of the way of BRETT’s tongue. ARCHIE's and BRETT’s mouths meet. RICHIE snaps a photo. Flash.)
(Back to real time. #19 – BLOODMASTER FIGHT begins.)
BRETT
Wait! You’re not Kendra!
You’re not either!
ARCHIE
BRETT
Did you just try to kiss Kendra?
ARCHIE
Uh…
(to EVAN) What’s the right answer here?
LUCY
This is fantastic.
(to BRETT)
ARCHIE
You don’t understand. Kendra and I are on a date.
ALL
What?
We are?
No you’re not!
Evan set it up.
What?!
Ahhhh!!!
KENDRA
BRETT
ARCHIE
ALL
EVAN
(BRETT jumps up, ready to administer some beatdowns.)
BRETT
Okay, you’re both dead. Who dies first?
ARCHIE
(pushing EVAN forward) Him.
KENDRA
Brett! Stop it!
BRETT
(crossing to EVAN)
You are goin’ down! Anyone in this town so much as thinks of coming to your lame party, they’re going to have to deal with me.
KENDRA
Lucy, you’re right. I’m not ready for this. Let’s get out of here!
(KENDRA stomps offstage, alone. LUCY watches her go and then turns to BRETT.)
LUCY
I’m right behind you! (to BRETT, innocently) So you two aren’t going out?
BRETT
No!
LUCY
So, your tongue is still available?
BRETT (tentatively)
Yes?
Great!
LUCY
(LUCY grabs BRETT, pulls him to a standing position, and kisses him. An astonished silence from the KIDS. BRETT and LUCY stop kissing, and LUCY exits.)
MALCOM
Not good.
Not good.
Yeah, not good.
EDDIE
MALCOM, EDDIE
(Everyone else slowly follows as we transition to the lobby of the movie theater. PATRICE is on her cell phone as ARCHIE waits. EVAN enters.)
PATRICE
We’ll be waiting right outside. Thanks, Mom. (closes her cell phone) It’s okay, Archie. My mom’s picking us up.
EVAN
What a nightmare! Now they’ll never be my friends.
PATRICE
Them? That’s who you care about? Them?
EVAN
What’s your problem?
PATRICE
You invited me out, and you didn’t even talk to me.
EVAN
What was I supposed to do?
PATRICE
Anything but what you did! I should have known! (PATRICE storms off. ARCHIE stands there.)
ARCHIE
Well, that could have gone better.
EVAN
This is all your fault. I told you everything not to do, and you did it! Every single thing in my life is a disaster.
ARCHIE
You’ve been in Appleton for a month. Trust me, it’ll get worse.
(ARCHIE starts to leave.)
EVAN
No. No! I’m gonna fix this with Patrice and fix this with Brett, and you’re gonna help me.
(#20 – BAD BAD NEWS (TRANSITION) begins. They exit. Transition to school hallway between periods. MALCOLM and EDDIE have been waiting for BRETT to arrive.)
EDDIE
This is bad.
This is real bad.
MALCOLM
EDDIE
This is the bad that bad thinks is bad. (BRETT enters the locker room sheepishly.) Yo, Brett!
MALCOLM
Why weren’t you at practice today?
Well…
BRETT
EDDIE
I texted you this morning, but you didn’t hit me back.
BRETT
Well, see…
Yeah! What’s up with you?
MALCOLM
BRETT
Okay, the thing is…
What?
(from offstage) Brett!
MALCOLM, EDDIE
LUCY
(MALCOLM and EDDIE turn to see where the voice is coming from, then turn back, knowing all too well.)
MALCOLM, EDDIE
Ohhhhh…
Guys… I’ll be right back…
BRETT
MALCOLM
Brett, don’t do it! Save yourself!
LUCY
Brett!
(School bell. LUCY enters, now the undisputed queen of the school. She goes right for BRETT. He looks for an escape, but she engulfs him, showing off as KIDS pass by.)
(LUCY)
Guess what we’re going to do this weekend?
BRETT
I thought I’d just hang with my boys…
LUCY
No. Here’s what we’re going to do this weekend: Go to the mall, buy new shoes, get a mani-pedi…
BRETT
Yeah. I think I’ll hang with my boys.
LUCY
Oh. Okay. If you’d rather be with them, I guess that means you don’t want the tongue anymore.
(And she turns and goes offstage.)
BRETT
(nervously chasing after her)
Who said that?
(And he is gone. MALCOLM and EDDIE watch them go in shock and horror.)
MALCOLM
Brett’s gone to the dark side.
She’s a succubus.
EDDIE
MALCOLM
Why is she doing this to us?
EDDIE
If I live to be twenty, I’ll never understand women! (#21 – BAD BAD NEWS begins.)
Bad News
BAD BAD NEWS
Bad Bad News
MALCOLM:
tears, No thing but trou ble, No thing but - - -
LUCY: (enthusiastically) So I'm all "Mom! I've been going out with him for four days! Of COURSE we're going to get married!"
(CASSIE and RICHIE pass by.)
CASSIE: Hi Brett.
BRETT: (casually) Oh, hey Cassie.
LUCY: Wait! Were you ßirting with her?
BRETT: I was just saying hi.
LUCY: Oh, so you're saying she's hot?
BRETT: No! I mean, she's Þne.
LUCY: (close to tears) You never say anything about how amazing I look anymore. You hate me! (She runs off.)
BRETT: Oh, man, not again. (yelling after her) Lucy! I'm sorry! (BRETT runs off after her.)
(EDDIE, MALCOLM, and all of the GUYS now emerge having heard the previous.)
(We see that EVAN and ARCHIE have heard what was just sung, as MALCOLM and EDDIE re-appear on the corner of the stage.)
EVAN
Did you hear that? Those guys are suffering. And Brett’s suffering. If I can get Brett to dump Lucy and get back together with Kendra, I’m the hero.
ARCHIE
Evan, is this wise? Let me rephrase that: Evan, this isn’t wise.
EVAN
This is my chance to win them back. I have to do this! Hey! Malcolm! Eddie! Guys!
(MALCOLM and EDDIE approach. To MALCOLM and EDDIE:)
Take me to Brett!
EDDIE
Do you have a death wish? After what happened at The Bloodmaster, Brett wants to destroy you.
(Unseen by everyone, ARCHIE takes out his phone and starts texting furiously.)
EVAN
Listen, I can help Brett get rid of Lucy and get Kendra back!
MALCOLM
How?
EDDIE How?
EVAN
Just take me to him!
EDDIE
All right, what have we got to lose? (to EVAN) If you’re right, we get Brett back.
MALCOLM
Yeah. And if you’re wrong, we get to see you get beat up!
EVAN
All right, let’s do this! (to ARCHIE)
Wish me luck!
(EVAN leads the GOONS offstage. PATRICE enters, having gotten Archie’s text.)
PATRICE
Archie! I got your text. What’s... (looking at her phone, and spelling) ... “CQDBTIOE”?
ARCHIE
“Come quick. Danger beckons. Time is our enemy.” Duh!
PATRICE
What is it, Archie?
You have to help Evan. Now.
ARCHIE
PATRICE
Why?
ARCHIE
I think Brett might kill him. Actually, no, I’m pretty sure of it.
PATRICE
What do you want me to do?
ARCHIE
Go! Run! Be my legs!
PATRICE
And what are you going to be doing?
ARCHIE
Hiding, weeping, cowering, the usual.
PATRICE
Forget it. Evan’s on his own.
ARCHIE
So that’s it? He’s gonna get slaughtered and you really don’t care at all?
PATRICE
Don’t care.
Great.
ARCHIE
Not interested.
Okay.
PATRICE
ARCHIE
PATRICE
You know I’m going, don’t you?
ARCHIE
Yup.
I hate you.
PATRICE
ARCHIE I know.
(Scene shifts to the Boys’ Locker Room. BRETT is there.
MALCOLM, EDDIE, and EVAN enter.)
MALCOM
Yo Brett!
What’s he doing here?
BRETT
EDDIE
Brett, the Brain has something he wants to say, and we think you really need to listen.
(BRETT looks at them with fury in his eyes and steps towards them. EDDIE turns to EVAN and says:) You’re on your own, dude.
(MALCOLM and EDDIE run off.)
BRETT
You’re the one who messed me up with Kendra in the first place! Why should I listen to you? In fact, why should you even live?
EVAN
Okay, but there’s a way to fix everything so that everyone can be happy again. You have to dump Lucy and get Kendra back.
BRETT
Yeah, right, Kendra won’t even talk to me!
EVAN
I didn’t say this wouldn’t be challenging.
BRETT
Fine. Tell me what to do. You’ve got ten seconds, starting nine seconds ago!
(PATRICE enters, watching.)
EVAN
Okay, it’s simple, really. You just go to Kendra and you… um.
BRETT
Five, four, two…
EVAN
Okay, you just go to Kendra, and you…
PATRICE
(finishing Evan’s sentence because it’s clear that he can’t) … Talk to her.
(BRETT turns to face PATRICE. EVAN is taken aback but goes with it.)
EVAN
Yeah. Just go to Kendra and talk to her.
BRETT
I needed you to tell me that?
PATRICE
Boys are so stupid, no wonder you’re not girls! (#22 – TELL HER begins.)
13 JR. Tell Her
TELL HER
(PATRICE:) Tell her how you really feel!
BRETT: Like what?
EVAN: (a realization) Like…
Slowly, with growing assurance
Tell
Tell her you have
n't slept at
Tell her you have - n't slept at œ
night.
Tell her al - though you've made a
BRETT: At least I don't have to say I'm not perfect.
huge mis - take, You want
œ to make it right.
Tell her you know you aren't (EVAN:)
BRETT: Aw man.
per - fect.
Tell her you've wait - ed way too (EVAN:) w w long. (
Tell her you're sor - ry
Tell her you mean it.
BRETT: This is good stuff, I should write this down. (He grabs a pen from PATRICE's hand and starts writing.)
BRETT: This is good stuff, I should write this down. (He grabs a pen from PATRICE's hand and starts writing.)
Tell her you just were wrong.
Tell her that stu - dy - ing to -
Say you for - give her.
Ask if she'll be your friend.
Ask
(to PATRICE) I’m sorry. I mean it.
PATRICE
I still hate you. (Suddenly, MOLLY comes running on followed by a group of KIDS.)
MOLLY
Hey Brett, Lucy and Kendra are in the girls’ bathroom clawing each other’s eyes out over you. It’s nasty ugly.
EVAN
This is your chance, Brett. Go make it happen.
BRETT
All right, Brain, if this works, we’ll all be at your party!
(#23 – TRANSITION TO GIRLS’ BATHROOM begins. BRETT runs out. The Girls’ Bathroom. KENDRA and LUCY are having a heated conversation.)
KENDRA
I thought you were my friend!
LUCY
I don’t need friends, I’ve got Brett!
KENDRA
Yeah, because you stole him!
I won. You lost.
(BRETT runs in.)
Okay, stop!
Good. Brett, you’re here.
LUCY
BRETT
LUCY
KENDRA
Both of you just go away forever!
BRETT
No, Kendra. Lucy, you go away!
LUCY
What!?
Kendra’s the one I want.
What?
What??
It’s over, Lucy! Just go away.
BRETT
KENDRA
LUCY
BRETT
(LUCY turns, her tiny little heart broken, and walks out of the bathroom. BRETT turns to KENDRA, and suddenly he freezes. Then he tries to read from his totally illegible notes.)
(BRETT)
I don’t know what I wrote, but I know I like you. (A beat. Then, nervously:) Did that work?
(She turns to him, smiles, extends her arms, and runs to him.)
KENDRA
You bet it did!
(#24 – DID THAT WORK? YOU BET IT DID! begins. They embrace. LUCY watches them run off together.)
LUCY
Not today, Satan!
(#25 – IT CAN’T BE TRUE begins.)
Thirteen JR.
It Can't Be True
IT CAN’T BE TRUE
(LUCY takes out her cell phone and begins her revenge. MOLLY enters and answers her cell phone.)
MOLLY: Oh hey, Lucy. What's up?
LUCY: Check this out. I just got the juiciest text from Charlotte, who told me the nastiest thing about Kendra.
Jamaican Groove
MOLLY: Kendra! No! What?
LUCY: All right, I'll tell you. But you can't believe Charlotte, I mean we all know one thing for sure
MOLLY: No way! Kendra and Evan?
LUCY: Yep.
MOLLY: What about Brett?
LUCY: I know, it's crazy! But really, really, really, don't say anything!
MOLLY: Of course not! I won't say a word. 3x
(They both hang up, and they both immediately dial or text other numbers. CHARLOTTE and CASSIE pick up their phones.)
(Hang up) (New call)
(LUCY hangs up the phone as KENDRA appears. Kendra's bedroom.)
LUCY: Kendra, let's not Þght. You won Brett fair and square. I was wrong, okay?And I miss my best friend.
KENDRA: Aw, Lucy, I miss you too.
LUCY, KENDRA: (embracing) HUG!
KENDRA: You're really not mad?
LUCY: Nope! Not mad at you. Not mad at Brett. Not mad at Evan.
KENDRA: Why would you be mad at Evan?
LUCY: Well, it was Evan that convinced Brett to dump me and go back to you. You actually owe Evan a big thank-you!
LUCY: Well, it was Evan that convinced Brett to dump me and go back to you. You actually owe Evan a big thank-you!
KENDRA: Really? What should I do?
LUCY: Let me think— (and then immediately) I know!
(LUCY:) I'll arrange a get-together with you and Evan, so you can thank him!
KENDRA: You would do that?
LUCY: Tell you what: You be at the Dairy Queen at Þve o'clock. Leave the rest to me.
(LUCY now turns and is in front of Evan's house talking to EVAN.)
EVAN: ... And why does Kendra want to meet me?
LUCY: She said she wanted to thank you.
EVAN: It's just kind of weird that you're the one asking me and not her.
LUCY: Five o'clock. The Dairy Queen.
(Tableaux across the stage of KIDS talking.)
If he heard
(PATRICE and ARCHIE Þnd themselves in the middle of the song, hearing the rumor in the lunchroom.)
ARCHIE: Did you hear that?
PATRICE: We've got to warn him!
ARCHIE: He said he was going to the Dairy Queen.
PATRICE: Come on!
3x (vocals 1x only)
(KENDRA meets up with EVAN at the Dairy Queen.)
KENDRA
So. Hi. EVAN
So. Hi.
KENDRA
So. Thank you for getting Brett to come back to me.
You’re welcome.
Ooooooookay.
Okay.
EVAN
KENDRA
EVAN
KENDRA
(She tentatively goes towards him.) Thank-you hug!
EVAN
Oh, wow, hug, sure.
(They hug, very chastely. BRETT crashes in with all the KIDS and sees EVAN and KENDRA.)
BRETT
Unreal!
Brett!
Step away from her, man.
KENDRA
BRETT
(BRETT steps closer and closer to EVAN with each line until he is in his face.)
EVAN
Brett, it’s not what you think.
BRETT
Is that my girlfriend?
Yes.
Were you hugging her?
Yes.
It’s what I think.
EVAN
BRETT
EVAN
BRETT
(BRETT is now directly in EVAN’s face, but EVAN stands tall.)
EVAN
Brett, this is crazy! Why would I try something with Kendra after I was the one who got you two back together?
BRETT
You’re not gonna talk your way outta this; we all saw what you did. Go on back to your loser friends – they’re the only ones coming to your little lame birthday party anyway.
EVAN
(a realization) Wait. You were never gonna come, were you?
(ARCHIE and PATRICE rush in and stop at the edge of the crowd.)
BRETT
Duh! Like I’m gonna be stuck with that bunch of freaks.
(Everyone laughs.)
EVAN
You’d be lucky to be stuck with those freaks!
BRETT
Those two? Yeah, lucky me.
(Again, laughter from the crowd.)
EVAN
You’re such a jerk.
(Everyone takes a step back and lets out an ‘ooh.’)
BRETT
Did you just call me a jerk?
EVAN
I can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out. You know what? I don’t want you to come to my party! I don’t want you to be my friend! I don’t want you to ever talk to me again!
(A pause. He and BRETT look at each other. And then, with devastating finality:) You suck, Brett.
(BRETT punches EVAN in the face. EVAN crumples to the ground, and PATRICE runs to his side.)
PATRICE
Evan!
BRETT
Who sucks now? (to KENDRA) Have fun with your new friends.
Brett, no!
Come on, Lucy…
I’m right behind you, Brett.
KENDRA
BRETT
LUCY
(BRETT heads off, with most of the KIDS following.)
KENDRA
(yelling to BRETT) I didn’t do anything!
LUCY
(turning around, the last person to exit) You gotta watch out in this town. People start the nastiest rumors.
(LUCY exits smugly, leaving KENDRA alone with ARCHIE, EVAN, and PATRICE.)
ARCHIE
Kendra…
What?
KENDRA
ARCHIE
For what it’s worth, I think you can do better than Brett.
KENDRA
You’re sweet, Arnie.
Archie.
Archie. And thank you.
ARCHIE
KENDRA
(Then she looks at the company she’s keeping. Then she panics and runs offstage.) Brett! No! Wait!
ARCHIE
(watching her go)
Wow. She really is a moron.
(PATRICE helps EVAN to a sitting position. His nose is bleeding.)
PATRICE
I know you’re in intense pain right now, but somebody needed to say that to Brett a long time ago.
Glad I could help.
EVAN
ARCHIE
You just totally sealed your fate here.
EVAN I know.
PATRICE
Like forever.
EVAN I know.
PATRICE
You’re stuck with us now.
EVAN
You told me six weeks ago what jerks these guys were, and I just didn’t listen! I should have trusted you.
PATRICE
You know what? It just passed.
EVAN
What did?
Me hating you.
Thanks.
You okay, Ev?
PATRICE
EVAN
ARCHIE
EVAN
Since the day I got here, I’ve been driving myself and everybody else crazy so I could have… something I didn’t even want. Forget it, I’m gonna just call my Bar Mitzvah off.
PATRICE
Why?
EVAN
What’s the point? It won’t be what I planned. It’ll be just losersr-us. No offense. What’s the point of that? What’s the point of anything?
ARCHIE
Okay…
(#26 – IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS begins.)
IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
foot in front
(PATRICE and ARCHIE stand to the side, watching EVAN read his haftarah.)
EVAN: The amazing thing was my Bar Mitzvah wasn't completely empty. Patrice and Archie were there. And my Aunt Jessie and Uncle Phil came from Florida.
(EVAN:) And my dad came, which was good. I guess. And he and my mom sat behind me and at one point I even caught them holding hands. And for a minute, a couple of minutes, it felt like a family again.
(CHARLOTTE enters, followed by the other KIDS. They assemble into formation, both the characters they played and the real kids they are at the same time.)
Mid-Tempo Rock Groove
(The KIDS begin fading offstage.) (ALL:) (except soloists)
(EVAN, PATRICE, ARCHIE, BRETT, KENDRA, LUCY:)
to day turns to day...
Rit.
KIDS:)
(EVAN, alone, turns to the audience.)
EVAN: My name is Evan Goldman. I live at 24 Plains Drive, Appleton, Indiana. I'm thirteen years old. And I'm just getting started.
THE END
(#28 – BOWS begins. The lights fade on EVAN. The cast bows. And then sing!! #29 – BRAND NEW YOU begins.)
BRAND NEW YOU
words to know from 13 JR.
abruptly: Suddenly and without warning.
astonished: Amazed or surprised.
engulfs: Overwhelms and immerses.
ballad: A light song that typically tells a sentimental or romantic story.
Bar Mitzvah: A Bar or Bat Mitzvah (Bar for boys and Bat for girls) is a Jewish coming-of-age ceremony where the young person is officially considered an adult in the faith and becomes responsible for their actions. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah can be celebrated with a service in the synagogue where a young person reads from the torah, and sometimes the ceremony is followed by a party to celebrate.
Barry White: A Grammy® Award–winning American singer and songwriter known for his romantic songs and deep, bass vocal tone.
buzzsaw: A circular, power-operated saw that makes a buzzing sound when in use.
Chippewa: Indigenous people of the Great Lakes region; Ojibwe is the actual name of the Chippewa nation.
concede: To hesitantly give up; reluctant to acknowledge defeat.
Dan Quayle: The 44th Vice President of the United States of America under George H. W. Bush; from Indianapolis, Indiana.
degenerative neuromuscular disorder: A progressive loss of function in muscles caused by the nerves that control the muscles.
emerge: To come into view.
epiphany: A sudden realization or insight.
flit: To move swiftly and quickly from one place to another.
forlorn: Lonely, miserable, hopeless, and sad.
haftorah: a series of selections from the Hebrew Bible that is publicly read in synagogue as part of Jewish religious practice, and often during Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.
illegible: Difficult to read due to the quality of handwriting, smudging, font size, or color.
inventive: Having imagination or creative thinking skills.
jeopardize: To put in a situation where one is exposed to risk.
Jerry Lewis: An American comedian, actor, and filmmaker that served as a spokesman and chairman for the Muscular Dystrophy Association.
kippah: Hebrew; a brimless cap, usually made of cloth, traditionally worn by Jewish males to fulfill the customary requirement that the head be covered. Called “yarmulke” in Yiddish.
maneuvers: Shifts in tactic; to move skillfully.
muscular dystrophy: A group of muscle diseases that cause progressive muscle weakness, decreased muscle mass, and decreased mobility.
obscure: Something that is not easily seen or understood.
petrified: Frozen; taken over by fear.
phony: Not real; fake.
pork rinds: Also known as chicharrones; pieces of pig skin that are fried and eaten as a snack.
Resurrection: To rise from the dead.
snubbing: To ignore or intentionally neglect a person or idea.
succubus: An evil, supernatural entity that appears in female form.
The Met: The Metropolitan Museum of Art located in New York City; the largest art museum in the United States.
UFOs: Unidentified flying objects.
unenlightened: Showing a lack of understanding or knowledge; oblivious.
unenthusiastic: Showing a lack of excitement.
whipped: Slang; controlled by a significant other to an extreme degree. winces: Flinches or shrinks back.
glossary
actor: A person who performs as a character in a play or musical.
author: A writer of a play or musical, also known as a playwright. A musical’s authors include the book writer, a composer, and a lyricist.
blocking: The actors’ movement in a play or musical, not including the choreography. The director usually assigns blocking during rehearsals.
book writer: One of the authors of a musical. The book writer writes the lines (dialogue) and the stage directions. Also called the librettist.
cast: The performers in a show.
cheating out: Turning oneself slightly toward the house when performing so the audience may better see one’s face and hear one’s lines.
choreographer: A person who creates and teaches the dance numbers in a musical.
composer: A person who writes music for a musical.
creative team: The author(s), director, choreographer, music director and designers for a play or musical.
cross: When an actor onstage moves toward or away from another actor or object.
dialogue: A conversation between two or more characters.
director: A person who provides the artistic vision, coordinates the creative elements, and stages the play.
downstage: The portion of the stage closest to the audience. The opposite of upstage.
house: The area of the theater where the audience sits to watch the show.
house left: The left side of the theater from the audience’s perspective. If something is located “house left,” it is to the left side of the audience as they are seated in the theater.
house right: The right side of the theater from the audience’s perspective. If something is located “house right,” it is to the right side of the audience as they are seated in the theater.
lines: The dialogue spoken by the actors.
lyricist: A person who writes the lyrics of a musical. The lyricist works with a composer to create songs.
lyrics: The words of a song.
monologue: A dramatic speech by one actor.
music director: A person who is in charge of teaching the songs to the cast and orchestra and maintaining the quality of the performed score.
musical: A play with songs that are used to tell a story.
objective: A goal or purpose to be achieved.
off-book: The actor’s ability to perform his or her memorized lines without holding the script.
offstage: Any area out of view of the audience. Also called backstage.
onstage: Anything on the stage and within view of the audience is said to be onstage.
opening night: The first official performance of a production, after which the show is frozen, meaning no further changes are made, and reviews may be published.
play: A type of dramatic writing meant to be performed live on a stage. A musical is one kind of play.
protagonist: The main character in a musical. The action centers around this character.
raked stage: A stage which is raised slightly upstage so that it slants towards the audience.
rehearsal: A meeting during which the cast learns and practices the show.
script: 1) The written words that make up a show, including spoken words, stage directions, and lyrics. 2) The book that contains those words.
speed-through: To speak through the dialogue of a scene as quickly as possible. A speed-through rehearsal helps actors memorize their lines, and it infuses energy into the pacing of a scene.
stage directions: Words in the script that describe the actions of the characters.
stage left: The left side of the stage, from the actor’s perspective. The same side of the theater as house right.
stage manager: A person who is responsible for keeping all rehearsals and performances on schedule.
stage right: The right side of the stage, from the actor’s perspective. The same side of the theater as house left.
upstage: The part of the stage farthest from the audience. The opposite of downstage.
warm-ups: Exercises at the beginning of a rehearsal or before a performance that prepare actors’ voices and bodies.
Actor’s Script Credits
Contributing Editors
Mary-Catherine Chambliss, Marty Johnson, Rebecca Marlowe, Jiana Odland, and Marianne Phelps
Designers
Kevin Johnson
Steven G. Kennedy
Layout
Matt Hagmeier Curtis
Steven G. Kennedy
Music Layout
Daniel Mertzlufft
Rob Rokicki
Music Supervisor
Lindsay Lupi
Associate Editor
Laura Jo Schuster
Senior Managing Editor
Susan Fuller
The Broadway Junior® Concept and Format
Created by Music Theatre International (MTI)
Adaptation and support materials developed for MTI by iTheatrics under the supervision of Timothy Allen McDonald.
See MTI’s complete line of Broadway Junior® musicals at: broadwayjr.com
MTI’s School Edition and full-length musicals may be found at: MTIShows.com