OWNING OUR STORY MAKES US STRONGER

Something I have struggled with my whole 30 years of being alive. I never wanted the life I had or the body I was in. Always wanting to run away or escape. I remember when I was a kid, I had this favourite tree that I would run away to and climb. I could see the whole of my street. All the cars driving up and down the road and people walking their dogs. I remember the smell of fresh air and the wind in my hair. That was probably one of my healthy escapes.

I wish I continued that as I got older but I chose other forms of escape like self-harm, drugs, alcohol, basically anything that stopped me feeling that overwhelming mental pain. I wish I continued that as I got older but I chose other forms of escape like self harm, drugs, alcohol, basically anything that stopped me feeling that overwhelming mental pain. I eventually came to realise that I was incapable of processing my emotions so I would cling to these substances to cope.

It’s not easy sitting with your emotions and I completely understand why anyone finds it hard to give up whatever they do/use to help them cope with their emotions and everyday life. I still get those feelings of wanting a cigarette even though I haven’t had one in about 7 years or wanting a drink which I haven’t had in approximately 10 months, or wanting to eat a bar of chocolate full of sugar which I haven’t had in a few months even though I know all those things would make me feel worse than I already do.

I know now that I’m not missing those things exactly, I’m missing that feeling of escape.The way those things made me feel, how they took away the emotions for just a little bitand I didn’t have to think.

F o r m e n o w , a r t i s m y e s c a p e . I ’ m n o t s u r e i f t h e a m o u n t o f t i m e I t h i n k a b o u t c r e a t i n g a r t i s h e a l t h y b u t i t ’ s a b e t t e r c h o i c e t h a n w h a t I u s e d t o r u n t o . A r t h a s s a v e d m y l i f e .

I k n o w I h a v e c h i l d r e n a n d p e o p l e s a y t h a t t h e y s h o u l d b e e n o u g h a n d t h e y a r e b u t I ’ v e t r i e d t o e x p l a i n i t t o s o m e o n e b e f o r e , I l o v e m y c h i l d r e n t o i n f i n i t y a n d b e y o n d a n d I w o u l d g i v e u p a r t f o r t h e m i f I h a d t o b u t a r t a s k s n o t h i n g o f m e . A r t l e t s m e b e m e w i t h n o r u l e s , n o j u d g m e n t s , n o e x p e c t a t i o n s .

A r t i s m y t h e r a p y a n d i t m a k e s m e a b e t t e r p e r s o n f o r t h e m a n d I w a n t t h e m t o g r o w u p a n d s e e t h a t t h e i r M u m , e v e n t h o u g h s h e h a d a c h r o n i c i l l n e s s a n d w a s u n w e l l a l o t , s h e s t i l l d i d w h a t s h e l o v e d .

D o n ’ t b e a s h a m e d o f w h o y o uw e r e , b e g r a t e f u l o f w h e r ey o u a r e n o w a n d h o w f a ry o u ’ v e c o m e . Y o u a r e s t r o n ga n d y o u a r e b e a u t i f u l .

You are absolutely worthy of love!

Heidi Reid

Photographer

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