DEAR MUSE

RelationshipS and Sex

My boyfriend and I have a really active sex life, but my sex drive has been really low recently because of medication I’m on. What can I do to show him that my low sex drive has nothing to do with how I feel about him?

It’s hard to forget the first time you get that talk. On a sushi night with my older cousin, after I had just gotten into my first serious relationship, she turned to me and said – “the thing with sex is that you will never be more vulnerable in front of another person.” At the time, I thought that this sentiment was meant to steer me away from having sex; she alluded to this “vulnerability” with fear and loneliness. However, I have grown to realize that that does not have to be the case, and that vulnerability in sex can be a beautiful thing – but that doesn’t mean there’s not remnants of fear in those of us who endured ‘the talk’ when we were perhaps too young to appreciate it.

First and foremost, it is crucial that you honour your body and the days where sex is not in the cards for you. It sounds like you understand your situation well, which is key. But now, let’s put ourselves in your boyfriend’s shoes. When the two of you engage in sex, you are both experiencing this vulnerability that some people are simply more comfortable with than others. Whether or not this comes naturally to your boyfriend, in such a state of intimacy, it is natural to want to feel validated. And so, if your boyfriend has reacted negatively to your decreased libido, it may boil down to a subconscious sting of rejection when he is in this vulnerable state. And as much as you can reassure him that it has nothing to do with him (as I’m sure you have done), it may take a while for him to come to terms with it.

My biggest piece of advice is to have an open conversation with your boyfriend, where you set a standard of honestly updating him when you are ready to have sex, so that he does not make advances that you are not prepared for. In the meantime, I encourage you to think of ways to experience intimacy and vulnerability without having sex. Surprise him with a date, make him a playlist, bring him some bubble tea - do something to remind him that you see him and appreciate him.

Lastly, remember that what you are experiencing is truly a form of vulnerability that will build a foundation for your relationship. Vulnerability in sex does not only come from getting naked with another person. It is the times like this where you have the tricky conversations, and land at a place of honesty where you can deliver on each other’s wants and needs.

Yours Creatively, Alisa

My boyfriend of just over a year, broke up with me right before the holidays. It has been a really tough transition to process as I feel like by losing him, I am losing a piece of myself. I’ve had the winter break to process it and try to move on, however, being back in Kingston, where we met and spent most of our time together, is difficult. Everything, from the library, to the fact that he lives one block from me, reminds me of him and our relationship. Is it possible to form new perspectives of Kingston/Queen’s that will allow me to love my life devoid of his presence?

So you have found yourself in that unfortunate group of Kingston break ups. Welcome, it’s not as scary as it seems. Though I know at first this seems like the absolute worst place to have set the scene of a past relationship, I am here as an unfortunately seasoned member, and I can tell you that it really is not as bad as it seems. I know now it’s daunting, and every moment outside the sanctity of your room feels like you are simply avoiding the markers of what was. If your experience is anything like mine, you are most definitely doing your best to avoid that person as well. You likely know just how hard it is to dodge that one person or place, because Kingston seems to have this incredible way of always being way too small.

Right now, there are street corners, coffeeshops, hallways, and bus stops littered with the memories of them. Houses you once passed without second thought become the place you take five extra minutes to avoid on that daily walk to campus. There is an echo of what once was that follows you. It’s hard to shake off the ghosts of someone you shared intimate memories with, even more so when love complicates the severance.

To your question of whether a new perspective is possible, I want to reassure you that it is not only possible, but inevitable. It’s been six months since my last breakup. I have spent these months in a constant state of reclamation in all aspects of my life. It’s time to be a little selfish. Take back that place where you first locked eyes. Chances are, before it was a pillar in your relationship, there was some other memory that tied you there. Our connections to places and things are inevitably temporary. Romantic relationships tether moments to places, people, things. When things between you dissipate, amicable or not, it is only natural to cling to what once was. Perhaps the worst thing you can do is reject the reminiscing; there’s no way to go back and erase those moments from time. The first kiss, first date, those milestone moments are marked in the oh-so-small locale that is Kingston.

I know it’s simple to say, but can seem nearly impossible to do. There will come a day where the sound of their street name doesn’t send you down a spiral of missing, or when the thought of running into them doesn’t paralyze you with fear. Take back the place that became them. Spend some mornings alone in a coffee shop, doing a workout, on a walk - whatever your prerogative. Reclaim some time for yourself, and in that you will begin to disentangle each place and moment in time from what was, and into a permanence that is you.

I have found my way in the streets that we still share again. I no longer fear running into anyone. I don’t take the long way round their street, or avoid the libraries or stores at the times they tend to be there. It’s a long road to reclamation, but with time and the right friends with you, even what seems like the smallest and most interconnected place ever can simply be yours.

Yours Creatively, Joanna