Break-Up

My boyfriend of just over a year, broke up with me right before the holidays. It has been a really tough transition to process as I feel like by losing him, I am losing a piece of myself. I’ve had the winter break to process it and try to move on, however, being back in Kingston, where we met and spent most of our time together, is difficult. Everything, from the library, to the fact that he lives one block from me, reminds me of him and our relationship. Is it possible to form new perspectives of Kingston/Queen’s that will allow me to love my life devoid of his presence?

So you have found yourself in that unfortunate group of Kingston break ups. Welcome, it’s not as scary as it seems. Though I know at first this seems like the absolute worst place to have set the scene of a past relationship, I am here as an unfortunately seasoned member, and I can tell you that it really is not as bad as it seems. I know now it’s daunting, and every moment outside the sanctity of your room feels like you are simply avoiding the markers of what was. If your experience is anything like mine, you are most definitely doing your best to avoid that person as well. You likely know just how hard it is to dodge that one person or place, because Kingston seems to have this incredible way of always being way too small.

Right now, there are street corners, coffeeshops, hallways, and bus stops littered with the memories of them. Houses you once passed without second thought become the place you take five extra minutes to avoid on that daily walk to campus. There is an echo of what once was that follows you. It’s hard to shake off the ghosts of someone you shared intimate memories with, even more so when love complicates the severance.

To your question of whether a new perspective is possible, I want to reassure you that it is not only possible, but inevitable. It’s been six months since my last breakup. I have spent these months in a constant state of reclamation in all aspects of my life. It’s time to be a little selfish. Take back that place where you first locked eyes. Chances are, before it was a pillar in your relationship, there was some other memory that tied you there. Our connections to places and things are inevitably temporary. Romantic relationships tether moments to places, people, things. When things between you dissipate, amicable or not, it is only natural to cling to what once was. Perhaps the worst thing you can do is reject the reminiscing; there’s no way to go back and erase those moments from time. The first kiss, first date, those milestone moments are marked in the oh-so-small locale that is Kingston.

I know it’s simple to say, but can seem nearly impossible to do. There will come a day where the sound of their street name doesn’t send you down a spiral of missing, or when the thought of running into them doesn’t paralyze you with fear. Take back the place that became them. Spend some mornings alone in a coffee shop, doing a workout, on a walk - whatever your prerogative. Reclaim some time for yourself, and in that you will begin to disentangle each place and moment in time from what was, and into a permanence that is you.

I have found my way in the streets that we still share again. I no longer fear running into anyone. I don’t take the long way round their street, or avoid the libraries or stores at the times they tend to be there. It’s a long road to reclamation, but with time and the right friends with you, even what seems like the smallest and most interconnected place ever can simply be yours.

Yours Creatively,

Joanna