DEAR MUSE RelationshipS and Sex

My boyfriend and I have a really active sex life, but my sex drive has been really low recently because of medication I’m on. What can I do to show him that my low sex drive has nothing to do with how I feel about him?

It’s hard to forget the first time you get that talk. On a sushi night with my older cousin, after I had just gotten into my first serious relationship, she turned to me and said – “the thing with sex is that you will never be more vulnerable in front of another person.” At the time, I thought that this sentiment was meant to steer me away from having sex; she alluded to this “vulnerability” with fear and loneliness. However, I have grown to realize that that does not have to be the case, and that vulnerability in sex can be a beautiful thing – but that doesn’t mean there’s not remnants of fear in those of us who endured ‘the talk’ when we were perhaps too young to appreciate it.

First and foremost, it is crucial that you honour your body and the days where sex is not in the cards for you. It sounds like you understand your situation well, which is key. But now, let’s put ourselves in your boyfriend’s shoes. When the two of you engage in sex, you are both experiencing this vulnerability that some people are simply more comfortable with than others. Whether or not this comes naturally to your boyfriend, in such a state of intimacy, it is natural to want to feel validated. And so, if your boyfriend has reacted negatively to your decreased libido, it may boil down to a subconscious sting of rejection when he is in this vulnerable state. And as much as you can reassure him that it has nothing to do with him (as I’m sure you have done), it may take a while for him to come to terms with it.

My biggest piece of advice is to have an open conversation with your boyfriend, where you set a standard of honestly updating him when you are ready to have sex, so that he does not make advances that you are not prepared for. In the meantime, I encourage you to think of ways to experience intimacy and vulnerability without having sex. Surprise him with a date, make him a playlist, bring him some bubble tea - do something to remind him that you see him and appreciate him.

Lastly, remember that what you are experiencing is truly a form of vulnerability that will build a foundation for your relationship. Vulnerability in sex does not only come from getting naked with another person. It is the times like this where you have the tricky conversations, and land at a place of honesty where you can deliver on each other’s wants and needs.

Yours Creatively, Alisa