There is nothing
remarkable about hideous frocks ‘Are they inside 0ut,’ the shocked bridetobe asks Guest Coîumn E NANCY HARPER ë It’s the night before the big day. _ Our gorgeous is ñnally getting hitched and we bridesmaid§ should be getting líguored op amd kicking op org four stunned, middìe aged rab~ bits in the glare of the headîíghts, having juss squeezed for the ñrst time into some remarkably hideous dresses. I can see the Four fat 40yearold in l frocks. ..WhatWerethey1;hínk ing?! . Indeed. My sister înlaw and fellow bridesmaid has already decided she’s going to cripple herseif. “Tm going to have to smash my foot with a hammer,” she says. “Seìfharm Surely that’s the only way out. I simply will not appear in 'public like T1115.” We’re contemplating the of the situation when the bride arrives she too has only seen the dresses 1&1 their early stages and the Erst thing she Wants to know ís: Are they insideout? Í stifle a giggle, although the situation, it seems, is quite dire. Tm standing there in janitorbeige (it’s supposed to be “bronze,” apparentìy) and ï look îike a cleaner in a psyche Ward, right down to the lopsided big boobs. (I Want te click my heels three times and scream out “There’s no place like the cuckoo’s nest, there’s no place like the cuckocfs nest,” then shuäe oñwith a St1`ffd1"mk.) And my frock is actually the best ofthe lot Beside me is a tall, dark, Mercedesdriving beauty, usually so polished and professional, in a nasty shade of blue (remember those Grade 7 gym b1oomers?). Bad colours, poor sewing and gaps in the wrong places amplified our bridesmaids figure fiaws and the dressmaker charged $450. She’s clearly eyeing the proverbial escape hatch, as Well Then there’s the aforementioned cringing in motheroftheb1‘ide/churchlady lavender. She’s gnashing her teeth and making me giggle inappropriately. (She actually does work in a psychiatric Ward maybe I could join her there later.) And ñnally, there’s the maid of honour, wearing what looks to me like late"70s Grade burgundy. Shefs still managing to look hopeful, however, like maybe there’s a chance we can pullthisoff. Fm not so confident Bad bridesmaids’ dresses are nothing new, of course, but we’re talking so bad it’s unbelievable. Bad colours. Bad sewing, Illätting. Big gaps in all the wrong places and, inexplicably, a whole 10'; of Whirly appliqué thíngjes going every which way on every dress. Plus, our worst ñgure flaws are amplifled and showcased to the max And the kicker is this socalled dressmaker is stìäng us to the tune of $450 each A clear case of shock and awe if ever there was one. So much for fun and fabulous fortysomethings usheríng our glamorous gal towards her dashing groom. There’s going to have to be a lot of Strategic placement of bouquets to cover up these of skin spilling out of un cîoseable zippers and ageinappropriate îeg splits. And ît’s all the more cringeìnducing because the bride and groom have such impeccable taste: we11 dressed, elegant,
understateei My janìtcmbeige is îooking more vomitous by the minute. I grab a dictionary and look up the deñnition of bńdesmaìd It has two meanings: A girl _or wonggn attending a _ bríde on her Wedding day. ir A person or group that never quite attains a desired goal. Clearly we into both categories here. I can picture the guests, all set to hum “Here Comes The Bride” when they get a load ofus and ít’s like: “Here come the bridesmaids and holy what are they Wearíng‘?” Even worse, my husband is the besî man and I already know howfoxyhe’s goingîo look How sand possibly Walk down the aisle in this? The way I see it, is not likely a viable option, so my only choice is to wear the dress and suck in my gut as best as I can. Later, when the last wedding guest has staggered into oblivion, I will be free to crawl into a hole and die of embarrassment So what kind of bridal party, you ask, Waits until the night before the big day to try' on the dresses they’d had made? the kind that gives the dressrnaker our measurements and then just hopes for the best, really. In hindsight, maybe We should have erred on the side of the anal, se]f obsessed, detailsorb ented, twentysomething control freaks who spend their prewedding months Qfears?) reading bridal magazines and planning endless details. Then We wouldn’t be just a bunch of aging bridesmaids trying too hard to be cooî and Ending ourselves on the night before the Wedding with some very grim frocks indeed. Fortunately, however, it seems the bride has been quíetîy watching everyth.i.ng unfold and the frocks have shocked her as much as ’chefs have us. Lucky for us, too, that she is very, Very cool ' “Look you guys, I don’t want you to wear something you"re going to hate,” she says. At which point, there are audible sighs all "mund, We pull on om jeans and head OE to the rehearsal dinner te do what we were supposed to be doing in the first place; eaîíng, drinking, laughing and celebrating what is soon to be one Very happening wedding. The next day, wíthjust hours îo spare, we buy some basicblack numbers oí the rack and try our best to do our Grace proud. Everything goes oü Without a hitch And on the morning after, as we all sit around nursing our hangovers at the postWedding bash, I ’Cry on my janitor beìge frock just so the guys Werft tlujnkwe were making it all up. “Th,at's just so WRONGI” my husband says as he eyes me up and down And he’s just so right about that Nancy Harper is a parttime copy editoratîhe Recofd in Kitchener and fives in Elora with her Australian husband. two preschoolers and a closet ful! of bac! ciothes. She attended this wedding in Australia. Dotell Do you have a bridesmaid's dress horror sîory you'd like to get off your chest? E»mai! us at Eife@thestar.c:a