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My son is changing gender. How can I help his family? .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
ZARQA NAWAZ GROUP THERAPY grouptherapy@globeandmail.com ................................................................
Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. A reader writes: My fortysomething son split with his second wife 18 months ago because of gender-identity issues. He wants to become a woman and dresses accordingly. I think my son is courageous, but I would like advice on how our family – especially his teenaged son and preschool-aged daughter – can deal with the change. His son is at a critical phase in his life where peer pressure could be overwhelming as his father’s transition becomes common knowledge. My wish, however belated, is that my son could have chosen a better time and place to deal with his gender issues. ................................................................
Help prep your grandson For the younger one, consistency and keeping things relatively normal is probably best. Remem-
ber that kids will take cues from adults – if you give off the impression (knowingly or unknowingly) that you’re not okay with this, they too will not be okay with it. As for the teenaged son, allow for questions to come naturally, and see if your son is willing to gradually introduce his son to his new lifestyle. Help your grandson come up with a strategy so he is not caught off-guard by anyone asking him about his situation. Consult with a counsellor, or see if there are other resources available to him. There may be other people his age who have dealt with or are dealing with the same thing. – Marina Dias, Thompson, Man.
looking like a man. He owes it to his son. – Cindy Hunter, St. John’s ................................................................
Find specialized help As a psychotherapist, my advice is that the family might want to address the parent’s gender transition in much the same way they would deal with any other big change. They need to talk openly about their feelings and needs, and negotiate how they will share the news with friends and the larger community. They’ll likely need a trans-positive psychotherapist or support group to figure out options. – Farzana Doctor, Toronto ................................................................
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THE FINAL WORD
Dad should put things on hold
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I can’t even imagine the chronic angst that a transgendered person must feel prior to making the decision to go ahead with gender re-assignment. Having said that, your grandson is at a vulnerable stage in his life, and his emotional well-being must be the first consideration. It’s pretty much guaranteed he would suffer tremendous social stigmatization by his peers if his father were to continue with his gender transition right now. Dad needs to postpone the process for a few years and, in the meantime, go back to dressing and
The first thing your grandson will need is the knowledge that he is not alone in this situation. It will help him immensely, as Marina mentions, to talk to other teens who have gone through the same experience. He may feel like he’s losing his father. Let him know it’s normal to experience a sense of loss. It’s better he shares his feelings of anger and hurt with you, his support network, so he can maintain his relationship with his parent. It’s important for you to educate yourself and find reputable information from organizations such as PFLAG and its transgen-
der network, TNET. They will help you learn strategies to support your family. I understand Cindy’s sentiment, but it sounds like things have already progressed and there’s no going back. As Farzana suggests, you should participate in discussions about who will find out, when and how. Your grandson is probably worried about how he’s going to tell his friends, and what will happen during events such as parentteacher night or social functions? It may be too hard for his mother to be with him when he informs people. Having you nearby would be helpful. Start with people whose reactions will be positive, then work your way out. You can also be the hip grandma by role-playing various reactions from people and helping your grandson come up with appropriate answers. Don’t assume people will always react negatively. You’d be surprised at how well-informed other teens can be. It’s important to let go of any feelings that something tragic has happened. The most important thing for kids to know is that they’re still supported and loved, no matter what.
NEXT WEEK’S QUESTION A reader writes: I volunteered at a theatre company with a friend whom I’ve known for more than 30 years. Last year, he had a falling out with the company over his behaviour in front of paying clients. He was asked to leave. Since then, he has had nothing to do with the company, and wanted his friends to follow suit. My husband and I have decided to continue our relationship with the company. As a result our friend won’t talk to us, and has cut us completely out of his life. What should I do? ..........................................................
Let’s hear from you If you would like to participate, e-mail us at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com. Questions are published anonymously, but we will include your name and community if we use your response (it will be edited).
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Regina-based Zarqa Nawaz is the creator of Little Mosque on the Prairie.
FROM PAGE 1
Travel: Worst mom moment? When she thought a crocodile was going to eat them .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
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But over all, when you look back, you forget all that stuff. What shines through is the amazing stuff you did together.
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In the book, you describe some of your worst mother moments. What stands out? Camping in a tent in Northern Australia, when it was monsoon season and there was lightning. I seriously thought, “What am I doing here?” When the rivers flood, the [threat of] crocodiles is a little bit more ominous. I just kept thinking that if we don’t get hit by lightning and die in this tent, a crocodile is going to come and eat us. And definitely in Malaysia, when my youngest was out on a parasailing boat with a guy we’d never met and no life jacket and neither one of us was out there with her. That was brutal. ................................................................
What was the low point? Probably when we all had food poisoning in Malaysia. We ate something that, I think, wasn’t fresh. Within 12 hours or so, we were all on a ferry, throwing up. I just remember there were hundreds of Saudi Arabians on this ferry, and the women, all dressed in full black abayas, were staring at me as I puked over the side of the ferry into the South China sea, and my kids puked inside. And this ferry was so overcrowded. I thought it was going to sink and we were going to die and it was all going to be my fault. ................................................................
‘We should perhaps give our kids a little more credit that they can handle something more adult and more interesting,’ Ms. Harper says.
Everyone survived, though. So lets talk about the good times – what’s your fondest memory?
they loved. Reintegrating seems easy because the other kids and the teachers are always interested in what they’ve been doing. For the Central America trip, they will probably only miss about seven weeks of school. My biggest challenge will be making sure I understand the units they’ll be missing in math. I’ll get them to work on those, write in a journal and read – that’s about it. I’m not at all concerned that they’ll be missing out on other parts of the curriculum. I think that learning as they go about geography, nature, the people, language, is the best kind of classroom they could ever hope for.
The highlight was our time in South Africa. That was a huge cultural gift for me – to be able to immerse the kids and have them talk to people from other places. ................................................................
What did you learn about your family? I learned that being together is everything. I love being with them, and it’s fun. ................................................................
Do you have any advice for parents who are fearful of doing a trip like this with their children? Very few parents that I know would want to do to a Disney World trip, if it was up to them. We should perhaps give our kids a little more credit that they can handle something more adult and more interesting. Rather than look at the Disney-style vacation as being the only option, look at what you as an adult would like to do and then work out ways your kids can fit into that. You can take them out of their comfort zone and you can take yourself out of your comfort zone, and have some experiences that are much more interesting. ................................................................
You must have pulled your kids from school – did they have any trouble reintegrating? I home-schooled for a few months, and then for a few months they were enrolled in an Australian public school, which
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How did you afford this? (Ms. Harper is a marketing writer, and her husband is selfemployed as a handyman and gardener.)
South Africa was a ‘cultural gift … to be able to immerse the kids and have them talk to people from other places.’
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HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG-HAUL FLIGHT The secrets to surviving a long-haul flight with young children, according to Nancy Harper: 9 Take them shopping beforehand and let them pick out their own carry-on bag: Choosing their own, preferably one with wheels, can really make a child feel grown up – and the more grown up they feel, the
more well behaved they’re likely to be. 9 Let them pack their carryon themselves: It’s amazing to see how much care and precision they’ll put into it. Add some colouring books, markers, and crayons, and a goodie bag full of sweet treats. 9 Let them buy a kid-themed neck pillow at the airport
We’re not wealthy, but we do live pretty frugally day to day. That’s key. We rarely go out for dinner. Much of the stuff we have in our house is second-hand.
and bring along at least one favourite teddy bear. 9 Bring little games: playing cards, brain teasers, word searches. 9 Let them watch as much TV as they want … and when all else fails, let them go to town on those hand-held video games. After all, longhaul flights demand a new set of rules.
When you got back home, were your friends with kids inspired to try something similar? Yeah, I think many are, but most don’t think that they can. A year away is definitely unusual. But what I would say is you don’t have to do what we did. Focus on what do you want to do, and how can you make that happen. ................................................................
This interview has been condensed and edited.