naps stories 04 by Narayana Prasad.A.

naps stories â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 04 04 Sincere thanks to all those unknowns who wrote these articles and to those who forwarded to the rest of the mankind. Compiled & Prepared by A.Narayana Prasad., narayanaprasad_a@yahoo.com

Contents

01. Laughit!

02. TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

03. Shake it off and take a step up 09 04. Tandoori Potato & Kebab Tomato 10 05. Someday…Oneday….

06. Lab’sreport & Cat’scan

07. Killing Interview

08. Twist your tongue

09. Interview secrets revealed

10. A cuppa every day for boss…

11. Bossing

Laughit ! Interviewer: what is your birth date? Sardar: 13th October Interviewer: Which year? Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ EVERY YEAR #############

Manager asked sardar at an interview. Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it? Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X. #############

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife, Do I look like a foreigner? Wife: No! Why? Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner? #############

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar: Any great man born in this village??? Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!! #############

Thanks to Internet 3

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi So Sardar writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi. #############

Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape? Sardar: itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s simple. I will stop my imagination!! #############

Sardar: My mobile bill how much? Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL. #############

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf.. Friend: How do u know? Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new #############

Thanks to Internet 4

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife! Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!! #############

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world? Sardar: ZEBRA Teacher: How? Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White #############

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company. Manager: Do U know MS Office? Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir. #############

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s landing he shouted: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Bombay .. Bombay " Air hostess said: "B silent." Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay" #############

Thanks to Internet 5

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA, RAM, GANDHI and BUDDHA?" Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!! #############

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple? Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but colour of Apple is not APPLE! #############

Thanks to Internet 6

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"... By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China . In order to continue getting-by in China , we need to learn English the way it is spoken....................... Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. Now, here goes... The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today...... Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???" Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs." Room Service: "Ow ulai den?" Guest: ".....What??" Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?" Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please." Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?" Guest: "Crisp will be fine." Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?" Guest: "What?"

Thanks to Internet 7

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?" Guest: "I.... Don't think so.." RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???" Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means." RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?" Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RoomService: "We botter?" Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side." RoomService: "Wad?!?" Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side." RoomService: "Copy?" Guest: "Excuse me?" RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?" Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything." RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

bayken ,

Guest: "Whatever you say." RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts." Guest: "You're welcome" Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......and you do, don't you!

Thanks to Internet 8

Shake it off and take a step up One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realising what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovelfuls later, he quieted down completely. The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovelful of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing some thing amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbours. Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! ++++++++++++++++++ The moral to the story is very simple. Life is going to shovel dirt at you. You have two choices: You can be buried alive by the dirt life throws at you or You can shake it off and step up +++++++++++++++++++ What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed himâ&#x20AC;Ś All because of the manner in which he handled his adversity. If we face our problems and respond to them positively and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pityâ&#x20AC;Ś the adversities that come along in life usually have within them the potential to benefit and bless us!

Thanks to Internet 9

Tandoori Potato & Kebab tomato!! Each Friday night after work, Sardar would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Sardar and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Sardar attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic." Sardar's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours and, as he rushed into Sardar's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Sardar, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you were born a chicken, and you were born a lamb, you were raised a chicken and you were raised a lamb but now you are a potato and tomato" After all, --Singh is King--

Thanks to Internet 10

Somedayâ&#x20AC;Ś.Onedayâ&#x20AC;Ś. A friend of mine opened his wife's drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package: 'This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package.' He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box. 'She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on, was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said:â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion'. 11

Thanks to Internet

I still think those words changed my life. Now I read more and clean less. I sit on the porch without worrying about anything. I spend more time with my family, and less at work. I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day... I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it. I don't save my special perfume for special occasions; I use it whenever I want to. The words 'Someday...' and ' One Day...' are fading away from my dictionary.

Thanks to Internet

If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now... I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends. She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food. It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come. Each day, each hour, each minute, is special. Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one. Thanks to Internet 13

If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because, probably, there's someone you care about. 'One of these daysâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, remember that 'One day' is far away... or might never come.. No matter if you're superstitious or not, spend some time reading it. It holds useful messages for the soul.

Thanks to Internet 14

Labâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s report & Catâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; scan A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Thanks to Internet

Killing Interview! The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.” You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Thanks to Internet 16

Twist Your Tongue 1. If you understand, say "understandâ&#x20AC;?. If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

6. If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

7. I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

Thanks to Internet 17

8. Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow what a fellow means?"

9. Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to Mr Outside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, and then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

10. SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

12. If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors? "When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

Thanks to Internet

13. We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

14. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

15. A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue

16. If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

17. Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

Thanks to Internet 19

Interview secrets revealed!! Ever wondered just which part of the job interviews you give are the most relevant? What exactly ARE you being judged on? And what, exactly, qualifies as a faux pas, given that different individuals react differently to the same things? Cosmo went behind the job search scene and asked five bosses-who inter view all the time for their companies - just what they judge potential employees on! Suvarna Chakravarty HR Manager, UNITECH During the interview, our focus moves from qualifications to temperament-we look out for a person who can sustain himself/herself under pressure. So much of modern work life is about dealing with pressure, after all! We deliberately ask difficult questions to get a sense of how they'll hold their ground. Anyone who keeps their nerve through that is at least likely to have a better handle on stress and will, hopefully, bring at least 50% of that ability to the workplace. Payal Puri Editor, Cosmopolitan I look for people with a passion for what they do and who aren't scared to show it. I like interviewees who aren't afraid to ask questions about the work; when asked an opinion on something, honesty works over political correctness. If they can't say anything about the magazine beyond 'I love it', that's worrying-you can't love everything in it! You should be able to detail what you don't like and why, too. Give an honest opinion, positive, or negative; it's the rationality of the answer that counts. And I think I speak for interviewees everywhere when I say ditch the cliches-like "I'm looking to widen my horizons" are so yesterday. If you have nothing original to say, don't say it!

Thanks to Internet 20

Souvik Ghosh Marketing Manager, Specialities, Dupont First impressions-when someone first walks in-are of course on overall presentability. Marketing is a people function; you meet clients and represent a company, and you have to make a positive impression. The other thing we look for is the ability to come up with creative solutions-it could be examples from a previous job or in any aspect of life. Good negotiation skills, references, and prior experience also speak for a lot. For freshers, we go through the process of group discussions and also judge basis their analysis of case studies. Renuka Chatterjee Chief Editor, Westland Ltd. Professional qualifications are important, but it's not necessary to have a first division in English Lit-it's more important to have a genuine love of books and the willingness to learn. And above all this, I'd look for an ability to get along with people; a person who isn't into politics or gossip, someone who can roll up their sleeves and work! Of course, it's not possible to tell all this over one or two meetings, so one goes by instinct and gut feel and previous references where possible. Rahul Kanwal Executive Editor, Headlines Today The most important thing when hiring for TV, is to determine how hungry the person is to achieve success. Nobody starts with strong technical skills or great contacts. Everyone ends up learning on the job. It's those who have the strongest desire to succeed, who make the effort to pick up the skills that eventually make them successful. So we try and find candidates who have a strong journalistic fire burning in their belly. Since TV requires strong communication skills, we also lay a lot of emphasis on a person's ease with language.

Thanks to Internet

A cuppa every day for boss could ensure pay rise! Want a pay rise? Well, then just cosy up to your boss by making him/her a cuppa every day. According to a research by tea brand Clipper, around 53 percent of workers say they regularly make hot drinks for their bosses just to be in their good books. In fact, some office workers confessed that they knew more about how their boss liked his or her tea or coffee than people in their own family, reports The Daily Star. And over half of workers say they take their own mug to work, the study found

Thanks to Internet 22

Bossing !! When I take a long time to finish, I am slow, When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy, When my boss does not do it, he is busy. When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart, When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative, he is proactive.

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing, When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

Thanks to Internet 23

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When I am out of the office, I am wandering around. When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick. When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked When I do good, my boss never remembers, When I do wrong, he never forgets.

Thanks to Internet