Why Self-Care Isn't Selfish

By Janine Agoglia

At age 50, self-care is a non-negotiable practice for me, but this was not always the case. In my late 30s, I had 2 elementary aged kids, a husband, and 2 jobs, one as an acupuncturist and the other as a yoga instructor. Needless to say, my days were full, and my energy tank was constantly empty. Although I was teaching yoga classes multiple days per week, I didn ’t really have time to practice on my own. I would exercise when I could, but sometimes it was only once a week, or less. I had the idea that I had to work out for an hour, or it wasn ’t even worth it. Most of my energy was going outward, to my kids, to my jobs, to my husband, and there was very little, if any, left for me. I was struggling. I was depressed. I was Just. So. Tired. My perfectionism made me feel like I had to do and be everything for everyone else, and if I took time for myself, I was being selfish. How could my needs come first when everyone else needed me? My needs would just have to wait. And they did, to the detriment of everyone. I felt like I was “failing ” in every possible way. My perfectionism and the stories I was telling myself were no longer serving me. What I learned through years of yoga, meditation, journaling, and therapy, was that I was no good to anyone if I didn ’t take care of myself first. Our kids model themselves after what they see us doing. Did I want my kids to think that being exhausted, depleted, and depressed was something to strive for in their adult lives? That everyone else ’ s needs mattered more than theirs did? I never wanted my kids to feel how I was feeling. I was a shell of a person, and honestly no fun to be around. There is a famous saying, “ you can ’t pour from an empty cup. ” When you have nothing left to give, you can ’t be the mom you want to be for your kids. You can ’t be the partner you want to be with your significant other. You can ’t be the person you want to be in this one short life that we have. Because I was always exhausted, felt terrible in my body, and was stressed and grumpy all the time. I was constantly yelling at my kids, and they didn ’t deserve that. I decided that something needed to change.

Like in an airplane emergency, I decided I needed to put on my oxygen mask first. I began exercising more by finding short periods of time during the day when I could do something small. 20 minutes of yoga was better than none. A walk around the block helped me clear my head. I planned times when my husband was home, and I left to go swimming at the local pool. I made sure I got to bed on time rather than spending hours up late because the house was finally quiet. There is a difference between enjoying that quiet time and numbing with it. I was definitely numbing it. I made sure to feed myself healthy foods and not just dive into the sweets late at night, more numbing. I would take 5 deep breaths when the kids were screaming to help me regulate myself so I could help them to regulate. I started to notice their behavior improving as mine did. I was better able to cope with their meltdowns, so they didn ’t last as long and didn ’t escalate quite as much. I was no longer adding my stress to their stress. I was able to sit with them and really listen to what was happening and be fully present for them. I felt better, I started to fill the shell that I had become and started engaging more in my life. My relationship with them deepened as I was really showing up as a parent. Making my self-care a priority helped me to be the mom that I wanted to be and helped me to figure out who I was as a woman, and what I wanted and needed from life. My self-care served everyone. My kids are now 15 and 19 and don ’t need me in the same way that they did when they were little. Keeping up with my self-care routines has given me the capacity to show up, as a parent, as a partner, and as a person. I get to live a life that brings me great joy and fulfillment every day.

5 Tips for Self-Care

1. Make time to move your body every day. You don ’t need to go to the gym for an hour, 10 minutes here and there throughout the day will make a difference in how you feel. Maybe you walk up and down your stairs a few extra times or have a dance party in the living room with your kids to 2 or 3 of your favorite songs. Go for a walk around the neighborhood. Just do a little something every day to help you feel good in your skin. It’ s not about losing weight; it’ s about moving your body to feel good. Need support?

Watch my 10-minute yoga video to move & stretch your body!

2. Breathe. When you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed it is amazing how powerful your breath can be to ground you and get you back into your body and out of your head. Many times, when we are stressed we stop breathing, or only breathe shallowly. When our life feels out of control, we can always control our breath.

Watch my breathing video to learn a special breathing technique to help you get grounded in the moment.

3. Drink water. When you are properly hydrated, you feel mentally clearer, and it can improve your energy. Rather than reaching for the caffeine to get you through, drink some water and see if that helps. As a busy mom it’ s easy to forget to drink water but aiming for half your body weight in ounces is a good daily target. Flat water is better than seltzer, but if you need something with a little flavor, adding some fruit to the water (melon, cucumber, lemon, etc.) can help it go down easier. I also like “ cold teas, ” and there are now many flavors available. You could also make your own!

4. Make time to sleep. I know it’ s tempting to stay up late when the house is finally quiet, but everyone benefits from a well-rested Mama. Give yourself time to wind down from the day and then turn the lights off at a specific time, allowing at least 7 uninterrupted hours a night. This can be challenging with littles waking you up in the night, but if you can anticipate that and get to bed a bit earlier, that might help you get what you need. If you struggle with sleep, try my guided relaxation before bed to get you in the right frame of mind.

5. Journal. Journaling is a great way to get “ all of the things ” out of your head. Maybe there is something or someone you are frustrated by: write it down. Your To-Do list: write it down. Your goals and dreams: write them all down. Spelling and grammar don ’t count, just let your stream of consciousness flow out on the page. Putting pen to paper is a way to stop the constant mental spin and create some space inside your mind.

Janine Agoglia is the mom of 2 teen boys, a licensed acupuncturist, and the owner of Purple Room Yoga, an online yoga studio, offering both live and on demand online yoga, meditation, and core classes. She lives and works in Massachusetts, USA. Get $20 off your first month of an All Access subscription to Purple Room Yoga's online & on demand classes!

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