wise words
Ken Page on
Making Love Last by Emily Courtney
K
en Page is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist and author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. A relationship, intimacy and dating expert, he has led hundreds of workshops on intimacy and spirituality and taught at Columbia University, the Omega Institute and the Garrison Institute. Page also hosts the Deeper Dating Podcast (DeeperDatingPodcast.com).
What are Core Gifts, and what role do they play in the search for lasting love?
In my decades of work as a psychotherapist and coach, I’ve come to realize again and again that the qualities people feel most embarrassed or awkward about—their deepest insecurities—are some of their greatest gifts. These Core Gifts are like secret parts of ourselves that we often want to hide because we feel so vulnerable around them. But these gifts are where we have the greatest sensitivity and passion; they’re the things we feel and care the most deeply about and the keys to finding someone who really loves us for who we are. When we learn to lead with and cherish our Core Gifts instead of hiding them away, the story of our romantic life completely changes. But the opposite is true, too. Suppressing our gifts is actually an act of 30
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quiet violence against our most authentic self, and it always leads us into situations where we end up feeling diminished or hurt. The degree to which we feel ashamed of those vulnerable parts of ourselves is the degree to which we’re going to be attracted to people who are bad for us.
How can we move past our insecurities to discover and honor our Core Gifts? If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to people who don’t treasure you for who you are, there are Core Gift qualities you haven’t learned to honor. Anywhere you’re insecure, you can ask yourself questions that really change the way you think about yourself. What might be the gift that lies inside this insecurity, and how have I not honored it? Who are the people in my life who have valued my gifts and how did that feel? You can also discover your Core Gifts by asking yourself what sensitivities keep getting stepped on or neglected—those are qualities you haven’t learned to treasure enough yet.
Why is it important to differentiate between what you call Attractions of Inspiration and Attractions of Deprivation? This is perhaps the most important distinction you can make in your search for love.
