TRAPPED in Tech

One humanities major’s harrowing testimony.

WRITTEN BY JULIANNA ZITRON DESIGNED BY MICHELLE SHEEN

Day 41:

I’ve grown tired of the taste of radioactive mice, and I’ve been eyeing the Fig Newtons in the vending machine. I realized I’d need a way to come up with some fast cash. There was a flier on a bulletin board offering $50 to participate in a psychological study. A few hours of my time for 25 delicious fig-filled treats? Sign me up!

Day 68:

Turns out “psychological study” meant tying me to a chair, forcing me to watch hours of uninterrupted Acapalooza footage and seeing how long it took for me to go clinically insane.

Great news! I escaped! I hid in a storage closet and made a new friend, Graham. He used to be an anthropology major.

Bad news! I really have to pee. Too bad I can only find men’s bathrooms here.

Day 69:

Graham and I were on our daily hot girl walk and we took a wrong turn. We chose to ignore the “Caution: Do Not Enter” signs and opened an industrial metal door. Big mistake.

Bright red laser beams emitted from the room and Graham was lasered to death. I’ll miss him, but the researchers were happy to know their weapon of mass destruction was functional. I heard they sold it to Meta.

Day ???:

Can it be?? At the end of the hallway, the pee-colored glow of what I think must be the sun stares back at me. I walk towards the light, push on the door and I’m met with a gust of fresh air, something I had long forgotten. I take a step forward. Then another. Suddenly I’m swept off my feet, landing hard on the ground. I look up to a hand reaching out.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you with my moped,” says my knight in Northwestern Athletics-branded armor.