How to Stop Hidden Rage and Open Revenge Some people go through life with a sense of false entitlement, as if others owe them something. They don’t even consider to express what they need, because they assume that the others should "know" what is expected from them. Unfortunately this is a common situation and many “cold shoulder” episodes between partners stems from this assumption
What is underneath this idea of the "other should know"? Our way of thinking and perceiving the world determines our reality; there is no other way we can understand the world if it is not through those dark lenses of our own mind… Our definitions of what is life, of the world and who we are in it, of what a relationship is, are all part of the set of belief that creates our reality. If we are filled with emotions like anger and resentment, these are going to tint the glasses in a special way…shaping the quality of our present life. Chronic anger is highly visible for the people around us, which respond in turn according to what they perceive. Our negativities and resentments define our relationships with others, even without our conscious participation. So, we expect that the other person "should know" our needs and wishes, and if he/she does not behave accordingly, frustration is very high.
What is resentment? Resentment is a combination of the emotions and actions and thought patterns resulting from unresolved anger from past incidents. It's good to note that probably the incidents were 'perceived" by the person as 'unjust', and does not need necessarily to be recognized by the others as 'unjust'.
For example children have a basically strong sense of what justice is for them, and they perceive when their basic needs are not solved and upon that, when they are humiliated because being “needy,” adding insult to injury.
Those early lessons where we felt that we were not fit, not deserving to be loved or helped, stupid, not as good as our brothers, and a punishment for our parents, are still deep inside our minds. They are the lenses that our mind will use to see any injustice feeling of today…and under certain circumstances present events will just hit on the old wounds from the past and they will feel like real and present dangers.
The chain of perceived injustice, anger and resentment, leads to seek reparation or revenge.
“The Tao of Anger, Controlling Your Anger Explosions” © Creative Conflict Resolutions INC http://www.creativeconflicts.com
Here is the hidden knot of suppressed anger…if you are so far from your own chronic old anger, that you don’t recognize it any more, you could be doing small revenge acts to force the world, only this time to pay attention, to give you the care and appreciation you are missing from ever?
The only problem is, that being our own anger so repressed; we can’t have the luxury of asking for the tender mercies of others. It has to be given to us without asking, as if this episode is in the past and we receive as children the care that is naturally our birth right… As adults, where we assume that each person knows how to care for herself, this hidden rage, and resentment pushing into actions has a short life; and more frustration ensues. If we don’t ask, nobody can give us anything, then more frustration (real and present now) develops…what can a good passive aggressive person do now?
Of course there is always revenge, right? That negative consequence that pops up and surprises the blind partner with its intensity, is more or less a hidden message:
“Please, take care of my hidden needs for attention and love, (even if I myself can’t ask for them and moreover, will never thank you afterwards), or you will suffer the consequences!” Here you have the hidden transaction of a passive aggressive daily, methodical and relentless revenge mindset. Pretty complex, you’d say? Yes, but take the time to soak it in, because it can be the key to unlock the hidden reasons behind so many actions that now shock you.
At the least, if you take from his hands the “surprise effect,” you will have some advantage over your present situation, right? Having this information will clarify the hidden "whys" under an anger attack, and provide you with response strategies:
---You could read the ebook yourself, and learn how to position yourself in case of your husband becoming suddenly angry at everything, and know that this anger is NOT connected with anything you did, but with internal images of his past.
---You could give the ebook to him, asking his help to deal with a problem that affects you two and also your whole family.
---Both could use the ebook as the platform of ideas to open up a conversation about the issue of anger, and reciprocal needs (what does he need to feel more appreciated here
“The Tao of Anger, Controlling Your Anger Explosions” © Creative Conflict Resolutions INC http://www.creativeconflicts.com
and now?) and share ideas in a non judgmental way to understand and change those unwanted behaviors.
NOW, and only if you are ready to stop, make a break with his angry reactions and promote a healthier interaction… Here is a helpful tool in your way to bring more happiness in your relationship…
“The Tao of Anger: Controlling your Anger Explosions!...
“The Tao of Anger, Controlling Your Anger Explosions” © Creative Conflict Resolutions INC http://www.creativeconflicts.com