“If you’re highly sensitive, you’ve picked up the right book. Zeff’s easy-to-follow advice will transform your life. An illuminating book on a critically important topic.” —Linda Johnsen, MS, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Hinduism and Alpha Teach Yourself Yoga in Twenty-Four Hours “This book is a must read for every highly sensitive person. Zeff has many innovative techniques for coping with the overstimulation and stress in our fast-paced world.” —Sanford L. Severin, MD, author of TriEnergetics
The H I G H LY SENSITIVE PERSON’S
Survival Guide Essential Skills for Living Well in an Overstimulating World
TED ZEFF, PH.D.
Foreword by ELAINE N. ARON, PH.D. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Are You Highly Sensitive? A Self-Test on page 4 is from THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON by Elaine Aron. Copyright © 1996 by Elaine N. Aron. A Citadel Press Book. All rights reserved. Reprinted by arrangement with Kensington Publishing Corp. www.kensingtonbooks.com Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books. Copyright © 2004 by Ted Zeff New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 Cover design by Amy Shoup Edited by Carole Honeychurch Acquired by Spencer Smith Text design by Michele Waters-Kermes
All Rights Reserved
New Harbinger Publications’ Web site address: www.newharbinger.com
Contents
Foreword
1 2
v
Preface
vii
Acknowledgements
xi
An Introduction to Being an HSP
1
Preparing for Overstimulation in Your Daily Life
21
iv
3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
The HSP Survival Guide
Calm the Senses and Cope with Time Pressure
35
Maintaining a Healthy Body
57
Sleepless No More: A Program for Better Sleep
77
Harmonious Relationships for the HSP
99
Creating a Peaceful Work Environment
123
Nurturing the HSP Soul
137
Answering Common Questions from HSPs
153
Choosing the Right Healer for You
167
References
181
Foreword
I
am happy to introduce this book to highly sensitive people (HSPs) and their loved ones. For those of you new to the concept, Ted Zeff does a fine job of making you acquainted with who HSPs are and how they operate in the world. In particular, his caring and respect comes through on every page. Between these covers Ted Zeff shares many thoughtful insights, fine accounts of solutions to problems found by HSPs, and an excellent collection of fresh, practical suggestions for supporting the highly sensitive body and spirit. But most importantly, he models a caring, respectful attitude towards HSPs everywhere. We are fortunate to have his attention. For those of you familiar with my work, you will find that Ted and I approach many things differently, but that may be very refreshing. It is important that we understand that although our nervous systems are similar in an essential way, we can approach problems and think about
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things very differently. The more sound perspectives that are available, the better, and Ted’s perspective is a good one. —Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.
Preface
“I
wish those neighbors would turn down their music. It’s driving me crazy. I can’t stand it anymore.” “What music? I don’t hear a thing. You shouldn’t let noise bother you. Something’s wrong with you.” Actually nothing is wrong with you if you are sensitive to noise, scents, lights, or if you feel overwhelmed by crowds and time pressure or can’t screen out stimuli. You may simply be part of the 15 to 20 percent of the population who are highly sensitive. Your high sensitivity may have presented challenges throughout your life. For instance, you may experience low self-esteem when you are told that you are flawed for being different or experience anxiety and tension when interacting with loud, aggressive people or are exposed to constant stimuli throughout the day. In this book, you will learn hundreds of coping techniques to survive and thrive in a non-HSP (highly sensitive person) world that values aggression and overstimulation. As you read this book and begin to implement the many new strategies it offers to manage your trait, you
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will come to appreciate your sensitivity and understand how beneficial it is to be an HSP. This book is not only for highly sensitive people. Non-HSPs will benefit from reading this book by learning how to support their HSP friends and relatives. The coping strategies will also help non-HSPs experience more inner-peace in their life.
How I Came to Write This Book I remember clearly that I began experiencing anxiety and insomnia when I was in fifth grade due to feeling overwhelmed in school. I couldn’t screen out stimuli and became extremely anxious and tense in my large and noisy classroom. By the time I was in the seventh grade my school life had really deteriorated. I continuously experienced severe reactions in the classroom and experienced an almost total inability to concentrate on my schoolwork. My parents took me to a psychologist to find out why I was “overreacting,” both at school and at home. Unfortunately, the non-HSP therapist didn’t understand that I was highly sensitive and blamed me for my difficulty dealing with overstimulation. Twenty years later, when I was studying for my Ph.D. in psychology, specializing in stress management, I discovered that my sensitivity and inability to screen out stimuli was the root cause of anxiety throughout my life. I began to realize that trying to fit into an aggressive, overstimulating world only exacerbated my tension. Therefore, I made important changes in my lifestyle. I began reducing my overstimulating behavior, maintained an exercise schedule that was appropriate for my constitution, changed my diet, and began implementing daily relaxation techniques. I also began to learn to appreciate and accept my sensitivity. My postgraduate studies led me to investigate the fields of nutrition, meditation, and holistic healing for highly sensitive people. Based on my research and experimentation, I began teaching classes on stress management for medical groups, hospitals, and colleges. I now teach classes on coping strategies for highly sensitive people. It’s a privilege to share with you the many coping techniques that have worked for both my highly sensitive students and myself.
Preface
ix
What You Will Learn In The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide I will offer you the wisdom I have gained throughout my life as an HSP and as a psychologist. This includes an exploration into what “high sensitivity” means, especially in this fast-paced, overstimulating world. The book also includes practical techniques and strategies that will enable you to thrive as an HSP. You will learn how the mores of our society reinforce a negative self-image for the HSP and how to appreciate your sensitivity. You will discover how to change habits that are detrimental to your inner-peace. I’ll introduce specific meditative exercises to help you remain centered and peaceful throughout the day, and guide you in developing a detailed morning and evening routine that will help you cope with extraneous stimuli. This book includes many methods to calm the senses, along with specific techniques to cope with time pressure. You will learn how to maintain a healthy body by creating an appropriate diet, exercise, and supplement plan that is specific for the highly sensitive person. The relationship between overstimulation and sleep is an important one, and we’ll be focusing on improving your sleep patterns. Then you’ll learn innovative relaxation techniques to help you sleep better. How being a highly sensitive person influences your relationships may not have occurred to you, but it’s an interesting and vital aspect of the highly sensitive life. Specific techniques to create harmonious relationships with your family, friends, and coworkers will be a welcome addition to your HSP toolbox. We’ll discuss the unique challenges for the HSP in today’s competitive work environment and many solutions to cope with stress on the job. The program includes practical methods for changing a difficult work environment and suggestions for creating a new, stress-free job. You’ll begin to understand how your inherent capacity to have deep spiritual experiences can help you experience inner-peace. I’ll offer practical information on how to nurture your sensitive soul and you’ll begin to recognize the benefits of living from a spiritual perspective. We’ll examine many questions from HSPs on how to deal with difficult situations, and you’ll learn practical solutions. Some of the questions include: coping with noisy, rude neighbors; getting along with
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difficult people at work, and dealing with relatives who disregard your sensitivity. The final chapter consists of a comprehensive guide of many healing options for the highly sensitive person. There is also a list of books and Web sites for HSPs. Now that you know why I wrote this book and what you’ll learn, it’s time to begin your new journey toward inner-peace.
Acknowledgements
E
laine Aron ‘s pioneering work on highly sensitive people has made this book possible, and I appreciate all her support. I am grateful for all the students in my classes who shared their stories. I appreciate the editorial assistance of Jeanette Allen, Sharon Flowers, and Pam Jung. Kudos to Andy Shedd for his technical support and Linda Johnsen for her suggestions. I want to acknowledge my niece, Rebecca Anderman, who encouraged me to write this book, Carole Honeychurch, my excellent supportive copy editor, and Spencer Smith, my acquisitions editior, for his belief in this project. I am especially grateful to my spiritual teacher, Ammachi, whose unconditional love for all of humanity, has inspired me and millions of others to live a more compassionate, balanced, and joyful life.
1 An Introduction to Being an HSP
“I can’t take the stress at work anymore. My coworker at the next desk talks all day long in a loud, abrasive voice, and my boss keeps demanding that I meet his rigid deadlines. I leave work every day feeling drained, and jittery, with my stomach tied up in knots.” “Everyone in my family is always running around trying some new adventure while I like to stay home. I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I usually don’t like to go out after work or on weekends.”
D
oes any of this sound familiar to you? If so, you may be a highly sensitive person.
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What Is a Highly Sensitive Person? Since Elaine Aron’s landmark book, The Highly Sensitive Person, was published in 1996, hundreds of thousands of HSPs (highly sensitive people) have begun to realize that they are not flawed for life due to their finely tuned nervous system. Approximately 15 to 20 percent of the population have trouble screening out stimuli and can be easily overwhelmed by noise, crowds, and time pressure. The HSP tends to be very sensitive to pain, the effects of caffeine, and violent movies. Highly sensitive people are also made extremely uncomfortable by bright lights, strong smells, and changes in their lives. In this companion book to The Highly Sensitive Person, you will learn hundreds of new coping strategies to remain calm and tranquil in today’s overstimulating world, transforming your sensitivity into inner-peace and joy. HSPs can find it challenging growing up in a society that values aggression and overstimulation. I grew up in the era of heroes such as John Wayne, when real men were supposed to be strong, tough, and silent. As a highly sensitive boy, I didn’t fit in at school and felt that there was something inherently wrong with me. At an early age I surmised that I was a bad person because I believed the lie that being sensitive was disgusting. Virtually all of the emotional pain that I experienced growing up was directly related to a lack of understanding about my very sensitive nervous system. As an adult, you may still suffer from a lack of understanding about your sensitivity. HSPs are adversely affected by our fast-paced and aggressive modern industrialized society. You can easily become exhausted, perpetually overstimulated by everything from the proliferation of violence in the media to the cacophony of loud urban noises. Since HSPs are a minority of the population, you may internalize the mores of our non-HSP society. Unfortunately, when you try to fit into an overstimulating, out-of-balance world, your physical, emotional, and spiritual health suffers.
An Introduction to Being an HSP
3
The Highly Sensitive Person Questionnaire When I took Elaine Aron’s Highly Sensitive Person Self-Test many years ago I almost thought the questionnaire was designed specifically for me, as I immediately responded yes to every question. However, there are many differences amongst highly sensitive people. Some HSPs find noise intolerable but are not bothered by scents. Other HSPs can tune out noise, but are extremely bothered by bright lights. The term “highly sensitive” may elicit either a positive or negative reaction. The thesaurus on my Microsoft Word program gives the following synonyms for sensitivity: compassion, sympathy, understanding, and kindliness. However, for some respondents I’ve interviewed, the words “highly sensitive” brought up feelings of shame and worthlessness, and I observed those interviewees trying to minimize their sensitivity during the HSP Self-Test. Many progressive people now believe that sensitivity is a positive trait. Those respondents didn’t want to appear “insensitive” when I administered the questionnaire, and I noticed that they would spend a long time answering each question, trying to justify their sensitivity. Try to be aware of your feelings about the term “highly sensitive” as you respond to the questions on the HSP Self-Test.
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Are You Highly Sensitive? A Self-Test* Answer each question according to the way you feel. Answer true if it is at least somewhat true for you. Answer false if it is not very true or not at all true for you. I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment.
T
F
Other people’s moods affect me.
T
F
I tend to be very sensitive to pain.
T
F
I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation.
T
F
I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine.
T
F
I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by.
T
F
I have a rich, complex inner life.
T
F
I am made uncomfortable by loud noises.
T
F
I am deeply moved by the arts or music.
T
F
I am conscientious.
T
F
I startle easily.
T
F
I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.
T
F
When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating).
T
F
I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once.
T
F
*
From THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON by Elaine Aron. Copyright Š 1996 by Elaine N. Aron. A Citadel Press Book. All rights reserved. Reprinted by arrangement with Kensington Publishing Corp. www.kensingtonbooks.com
An Introduction to Being an HSP
5
I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things.
T
F
I make it a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows.
T
F
I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me.
T
F
Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me, disrupting my concentration or mood.
T
F
Changes in my life shake me up.
T
F
I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art.
T
F
I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations.
T
F
When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much worse than I would otherwise.
T
F
When I was a child, my parents or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy.
T
F
Scoring Yourself If you answered true to twelve or more of the questions, you’re probably highly sensitive. But frankly, no psychological test is so accurate that you should base your life on it. If only one or two questions are true of you but they are extremely true, you might also be justified in calling yourself highly sensitive.
The HSP’s Nervous System In an interview on November 10, 2003 with Carolyn Robertson, certified neurotherapist, I discovered that the HSP’s brain wave patterns are more frequently in a theta state. In this state, a person is more open to intuitive feelings and to picking up light, sound, and other subtle
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The HSP Survival Guide
vibrations more deeply. While deep meditators (regardless of their sensitivity) are frequently in a theta state, they are able to filter out sensations through concentration. However, when not focused inward, HSPs are processing stimulation so thoroughly that they are easily overwhelmed, far sooner than non-HSPs. One could say that they have trouble tuning out irrelevant stimuli—except who is to say what is irrelevant? Noticing where an exit sign is located can seem irrelevant until there is a fire. HSPs have to learn to ignore or protect themselves from unwanted stimuli. Especially those of us who have had a difficult childhood report a chronic, painful inability to avoid overstimulation (Aron 1996). Donna, an attractive and intelligent woman in her mid-forties, was a student in one of my HSP classes. She told me that she sometimes feels as if she is walking around with no skin, like a sponge absorbing everything that comes her way. She commented that as a child she also felt like she had no protection from the barrage of negative stimulation at home and at school, resulting in her experiencing severe emotional reactions to the daily assault on her nervous system. Donna courageously shared with the class how her parents took her to a neurologist when she was thirteen. Donna’s EEG (electroencephalogram) indicated an erratic brain wave pattern that may have contributed to her intense reaction to stimuli. The neurologist recommended that she take medication to reduce her intense reaction to stimuli, and Donna felt that the medicine probably helped. However, in retrospect, she noted that if she had grown up in a supportive and loving environment where her sensitivity was understood and accepted, she wouldn’t have had such intense emotional reactions and wouldn’t have needed medication. While medication can be helpful in some situations, I recommend that you first implement a holistic approach in coping with your sensitive nervous system.
Societal Values and Sensitivity In the last ten to twenty years there has been more acceptance of sensitivity and some wonderful improvements in societal values. Although most men have been brought up to act tough and repress emotions,
An Introduction to Being an HSP
7
many progressive men now feel that sensitivity is a positive characteristic. In recent years the media has been featuring many stories about the relationship between stress-related diseases and intense work environments, giving people the opportunity to question whether working under severe pressure is worth harming their health. While there is now a subculture of progressive people who accept sensitivity as a cherished value for both men and women, overstimulation in our society has increased at an alarming rate. A popular song in the 60s was the innocent I Want to Hold Your Hand, while today the accepted raucous music is frequently filled with lyrics of swearing and violence. One of the worst offenses in school a generation ago was cutting classes, while now there are security guards and metal detectors at many urban schools to prevent school shootings. In the 1950s there were three or four television stations, while today we are inundated with up to one thousand stations broadcasting a multitude of shows saturated with graphic sex and gratuitous violence. The home telephone has been replaced by millions of cell phones ubiquitous to modern society, creating a cacophony of clamor throughout the world. Recently I was hiking on top of a magnificent mountain peak in Colorado, enjoying the peaceful and spectacular natural setting when a man charged by me screaming into his cell phone, “I told you to sell the stock.” Thirty or forty years ago most people shopped at small neighborhood stores and had a personal relationship with the storeowner or clerk. In most urban environments, virtually all mom-and-pop stores have been replaced by gigantic, impersonal corporations, which could be called “Stimulation Depot” or “Noise R Us.” You have to fight with hordes of other shoppers as you desperately search for bargains amongst thousands of items or wander around trying to find assistance from the few overwhelmed and underpaid clerks. Given this intense level of stimulation, you can understand why HSPs often find shopping nowadays an emotionally exhausting experience. I remember seeing one cartoon that depicted a young woman shopping for toothpaste. She became overwhelmed when trying to choose from a multitude of toothpaste brands: anticavity, fluoride, no fluoride, antigingivitis, extra whitener, gel, striped, antistain for smokers, protection for gums, 15 percent savings on large, 20 percent savings on extra large. After reviewing the
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multitude of products to choose from, she felt so overwhelmed that she went home to lie down from exhaustion. Age is a factor in determining our sensitivity to stimuli. Children and older people are more deeply affected by overstimulation. Since children haven’t yet developed the capacity to express themselves, they frequently react intensely. (For more information about highly sensitive children read The Highly Sensitive Child by Dr. Elaine Aron, in which she succinctly describes the unique challenges of raising sensitive children). As teenagers and young adults, HSPs have a higher tolerance for overstimulation. Some HSP teenagers usually can even tolerate listening to loud music and partying to all hours of the night. As you age, your capacity for stimulation decreases, and it’s common for many middle-aged HSPs to go to bed early and avoid going out much. However, you always need to find a balance between too much and too little stimulation. After the age of sixty-five, your ability to tolerate stimuli is further diminished. Since most countries value aggressive behavior, adjusting to non-HSP values is challenging for the sensitive person in most societies. The HSP’s adjustment is dependent on the culture in which they were raised. In a study of Canadian and Chinese school children, it was found that in Canada highly sensitive children were the least liked and respected, while in China sensitive children were the most popular (Aron 2002). I had a foreign exchange student from Thailand who lived with me for a year. Tone was a sixteen-year old sensitive, gentle boy when he came to the United States. He told me that the Thai people value kindness and gentleness. Most Thai people speak and walk softly and are perhaps the gentlest people in the world. When I observed him talking with his Thai friends, I noticed that they would speak in soft, melodic voices. It was very difficult for Tone to adjust to an aggressive American high school environment, where tough and bellicose behavior in males was valued while gentleness and sensitivity was considered a flaw. Tone learned to deny his sensitivity and tried to become more assertive in order to survive in the non-HSP Western culture. Countries vary regarding how much stimulation their citizens are exposed to. One study indicated that the Dutch keep their infants calmer than Americans, who generally expose their babies to more stimulation (Aron 2002). In India, children are brought up with a great deal of stimulation, making it challenging for the HSP. However, even
An Introduction to Being an HSP
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sensitive people in India become more habituated to hearing incessant noise. I interviewed a highly sensitive man from India who had lived in the United States for five years. Ramesh reported that the longer that he stayed in America, the more acculturated he became to the comparatively quiet atmosphere, and it was difficult for him when he visited India. However, since he was raised in an extremely noisy environment, he told me that he eventually adapts to the overstimulation of his native country, and after some time the excessive noise doesn’t bother him so much. While HSPs who are raised in overstimulating environments can cope more easily with excessive stimuli, sensitive people brought up in less stimulating societies have a more difficult time adapting. A highly sensitive American woman told me about a spiritual tour of India that she attended with both Westerners and Indians, and her story illustrated how Americans need their quiet space. She said that the Indian and American women slept on the floor in two different large rooms. In one room all the Indian women slept together in one corner touching each other, like a litter of puppies, while all the American women slept exactly three feet apart from each other in the other room. Likewise, if an HSP from rural Montana moved to Manhattan, she would become easily overwhelmed by the assault on her senses. In the opposite case, sensitive people who have become habituated to urban overstimulation may have difficulty adjusting to a quiet, rural environment. When I lived in the bucolic Sierra Mountains in California, I had a friend who worked in downtown San Francisco visit me for the weekend. The lack of stimulation made him anxious, and he wanted to go to the nearest town, thirty minutes away. One HSP student who lives in a noisy urban neighborhood told me that she had trouble sleeping due to the quiet on a recent visit to the country.
Thank Goodness for Sensitive People By understanding, accepting, and appreciating your sensitive nervous system and by learning practical methods to deal with your sensitivity, you will gradually be able to identify and release any internalized false beliefs that there is something inherently wrong with you. HSPs are a large
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minority in this society that values and thrives on overstimulation, competition, and aggression. However, in order for a society to function at an optimal level there has to be a balance between the non-HSP soldiers and chief executive officers and the mostly HSP counselors and artists. As a matter of fact, if there were more HSPs, we would probably live in a healthier world, with less war, environmental devastation, and terrorism. It is the HSP whose sensitivity helps create restrictions on smoking, pollution, and noise. However, it’s important to note that there are very compassionate and kind non-HSPs and rude and insensitive HSPs. As a matter of fact, my non-HSP dad was one of the most considerate and caring people that I’ve even known. While most non-HSPs are kindhearted, the aggressive traits of non-HSPs are exalted in the media in most societies. Some of the non-HSP chief executive officers of the major corporations have severely damaged the planet with indiscriminate oil drilling, clear cutting of forests, and pollution of the environment. The highly sensitive person has an important mission, which is to serve as a balance to the more aggressive behavior of some of the non-HSPs who advocate a less than nurturing policy toward humans, animals, and Mother Nature. Although you may have been told that you are too sensitive, the truth is that the proliferation of insensitive values has created a world on the brink of disaster, and our only hope for saving the planet is by being sensitive and kind toward all sentient beings. Although our trait can be challenging, some of the marvelous benefits of being an HSP may include the following: We are conscientious and have the capacity to deeply appreciate beauty, art, and music. We can also really appreciate delicious food, due to our sensitive taste buds, our sensitive sense of smell helps us deeply enjoy aromatic, natural scents, such as flowers. We are intuitive and tend to have deep spiritual experiences. We will notice potential danger, such as immediately feeling a tick crawling on our skin, sooner than non-HSPs. We are very aware of safety issues and will be the first one to know how to exit a building in case of an emergency. We are concerned about the humane treatment of animals. We tend to be kind, compassionate, and understanding, making us natural counselors, teachers, and healers. We have an enthusiasm for life and thus can experience love and joy more deeply than non-HSPs, if we aren’t feeling overwhelmed.
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The majority, non-HSP culture sometimes negatively judges our sensitivity. The HSP is a minority in all societies, which usually favor the majority non-HSPs (Aron 1996). You may be occasionally told by non-HSPs that there is something wrong with you when you express the need for quiet time or when you’re feeling overwhelmed at work or taking care of your duties at home. Being judged for having a finely tuned nervous system is like discriminating against people based on the color of their skin, religion, or national origin. Like other minority groups, it’s important that we strive to educate the general population about our sensitive nervous system, accept our sensitivity, and learn ways to cope in the majority non-HSP culture. While you don’t have to demonstrate, carrying placards that read “Sensitivity Power!” (you probably couldn’t tolerate the noise and stimulation of a demonstration anyway), it would be beneficial to learn ways to raise your self-esteem. By reading books on HSPs (Elaine Aron’s The Highly Sensitive Person’s Workbook is a magnificent way to reframe your childhood in light of your sensitivity), attending individual therapy or HSP groups or classes to understand your trait, and employing many of the suggestions in this book, you will improve your self-esteem. Develop new friendships with other HSPs and try not to spend time with judgmental non-HSPs who make you feel flawed. It’s also very important not to compare yourself or try to compete with non-HSPs.
Coping As an HSP If you’re told that you are too sensitive, it’s good to have a prepared rebuttal available. You could tell the non-HSP, “According to research by Dr. Elaine Aron, HSPs are thought to be found in approximately 20 percent of the population (equally divided between male and female). This population has a more finely tuned central nervous system, so we are more susceptible to environmental stimuli, both positive and negative. The stimuli could be noise, fragrance, bright lights, beauty, time pressure, or pain. We tend to process sensory stimuli more deeply than most people. It can be an enjoyable and challenging trait to have.” One note of caution is that it’s important to use your discrimination when telling others about your sensitivity. If you think the other person would ridicule or discount your
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sensitivity, it’s best not to share the information. I’ve had some HSP students tell me that their family or coworkers disregarded their explanations about their sensitivity, making them feel worse. Since you are living in a majority non-HSP culture, it’s important to learn the art of compromise and not expect people to always make major lifestyle changes to accommodate you. One HSP reported that she had some neighbors in her urban apartment building playing their music loudly every evening. She told me that she negotiated a compromise with them so that the music would be low during the week, but on Friday and Saturday nights they could play the music louder during certain hours. It’s important for you to be polite when asking people to make changes when you feel overwhelmed and not to blame anyone who enjoys excessive stimuli. It’s also beneficial to have a prepared statement when asking for what you need from others. For example, if you’re asking someone to be quieter, try to develop a positive relationship with the person before asking or writing them with your request to make less noise. After explaining to the other person that you have a noise sensitivity, tell the person that you want to make sure that they are comfortable and not inconvenienced by your request. Tell the individual how much you would appreciate it if they could be quiet at certain times. Then ask the person to let you know if there is anything you could do to help make their life easier. Finally, you may want to apologize for any inconvenience the request may have on the person’s life and thank them for being so kind and considerate. It’s essential for you to accept your sensitivity and not emulate non-HSP behavior. I remember flying from California to St. Louis for a family reunion and feeling exhausted from the stimulating trip. When we arrived at my sister’s home, my non-HSP son, David, joined the other non-HSP relatives in going out for a late night movie, while I needed to immediately withdraw into a quiet, dark room to rest. By not going out with my non-HSP relatives, I was able to recuperate from the stimulating journey. HSPs feel pain more deeply then non-HSPs and many have reported that when they experience physical pain, they immediately investigate what is causing the problem and attempt to alleviate the discomfort. Non-HSPs can generally tolerate more pain. A non-HSP friend told me that he had broken his foot, but was able to ignore the
An Introduction to Being an HSP
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pain for over a month, even as he worked as a carpenter. Stoicism doesn’t work for HSPs. You need to find a balance between creating too much stimulation, which causes anxiety, and too little stimulation, which results in boredom. For example, if you find the stimulation of crowds in movie theaters too overwhelming, you can choose to see a movie during non-peak hours (such as matinees on weekdays). You can always rent a video, although some HSPs have reported that trying to select a nonviolent video in the often-hectic environment of most video stores quite challenging. You can also go to restaurants before the dinner rush. Many restaurants have an early bird special that will allow you to have both a calmer and a cheaper dining experience. You need to use discrimination about when to push yourself to deal with stimulation and when to avoid being overwhelmed. Sometimes you need to push yourself to go on a hike or visit a museum (during non-peak hours) rather than constantly escaping to the quiet and sanctity of your home. George, an HSP in his forties, went to an amusement park with his son, Julian. George told me that Julian begged him to join him in a go-cart race. He told his son that he couldn’t deal with the stimulation of circumambulating a track in a dangerous racecar. However, since Julian was quite persistent, George finally agreed to try driving the racecar. He cautiously got the feel of the car and track, pausing to check out all the potential dangers. As George began to feel more secure, he actually started driving faster and felt exhilarated after the race. When I lived in a rural environment I had the opportunity to learn how to drive a tractor. Although I was initially hesitant to try operating such a dangerous piece of equipment, I felt a sense of satisfaction after mastering this skill. However, I don’t think there is an HSP heavy equipment operator union that I could join. It’s okay to say no to participating in stimulating activities if you would rather pursue a relaxing hobby such as drawing, writing, or reading. Some people in our culture pursue a constant craving for intense outer-stimulation to avoid going inward to explore their inner-self. It’s beneficial for HSPs to spend some time every day meditating or pursuing quiet activities to balance life in our overstimulating world. Sometimes you may be more overwhelmed by stimulation when you feel powerless. I have noticed that when HSPs are in control of how much stimulation that they are exposed to, it doesn’t bother them as
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much. Robert is a middle-aged HSP who simply can’t tolerate any noise in his environment. He lives in a remote country setting and rarely leaves his home. Robert has created an ideal situation to reduce stimulation by working out of his home office in a serene rural environment. I recently visited Robert and his wife while construction workers were remodeling their home. I found the noise from the constant hammering and use of power tools extremely disconcerting and was surprised that Robert wasn’t bothered by the excessive noise. He told me that it didn’t bother him because he knew that whenever he wanted the carpenters to be quiet, he could tell them to stop working. Similarly, it drives me crazy to hear a barking dog, yet when my dog would bark, it never bothered me since I knew that I could stop the noise at any time. Perhaps when you are in an overstimulating situation a good question to ask yourself would be how you can feel more in control of circumstances rather than being a victim of the stimuli. Anger is based on feeling powerless and as soon as you empower yourself, the anger generally dissipates.
Sensitive Men Sensitive men have particular challenges in aggressive Western cultures. Males are taught from an early age to act tough and not to express their emotions. According to William Pollock, the author of Real Boys, whenever boys do not conform to the “boy code” and instead show their gentleness and emotions, they are usually ostracized and humiliated (1998). Highly sensitive boys learn to deny their real selves in order to be accepted and approved by their peers. This denial can create fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Paul Kivel has written in his book Men’s Work that boys are put into a “act like a man box,” which means that they must be aggressive, tough, strong, in control, and active. According to Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, authors of Raising Cain (about protecting the emotional life of boys), if boys express emotions such as fear, anxiety, or sadness, they are seen as feminine, and the adults around them typically treat them in ways that suggest that such emotions are not normal for a boy (1999).
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One highly sensitive man, Dan, told me that when he used to go to the movies with his friends as a boy, he would pretend to really enjoy the bloody and violent scenes while secretly looking away from the screen. He was always afraid that some of the other boys would see him avoiding the screen and tease him. He also shared with me that he was humiliated for not following the current sporting events when he was in junior high school. One time another boy sitting next to Dan asked him how he liked the big game and when Dan responded that he didn’t know there was a game, the other boy started laughing at him and told the other boys that Dan was a nerd. Dan then decided to spend every day reading the sports page in order to feel accepted by the other boys. Dan also told me that he didn’t like fighting. However, he attended martial arts lessons in order to not be physically abused by aggressive boys in high school. While most sensitive boys would not be attracted to violent sports like boxing, learning martial arts may be beneficial for some sensitive boys to learn so they won’t be hurt or humiliated by violent bullies. In our society, being sensitive is generally associated with being feminine and weak and can be quite emasculating for males. Sometimes sensitive men have internalized the false belief that there is something wrong with them because they are gentle and can’t tolerate stimulation. One sensitive man told me that he was taught as a boy that he shouldn’t let anything bother him. He did his best to follow a stereotypical “masculine” like style by working out every day at the gym, having a good sex life with his wife, and denying his sensitivity. However, he constantly experienced anxiety from emulating non-HSP male values. Alex is an HSP father of a twelve-year old HSP son, Noah. Even though Alex suffered as a boy for not conforming to the boy code of acting tough, he felt animosity toward Noah whenever his son appeared weak. Noah’s soft and gentle demeanor reminded Alex of how he suffered as a boy when he was teased and humiliated for his sensitivity. Even though he knew it was wrong, Alex pushed Noah to go out for the football team and pursue traditional masculine activities even though Noah had no interest in sports. Noah became traumatized when trying to compete with the other football players and quit going to practices. At his mother’s urging, the family entered counseling. Once Alex began attending family counseling sessions, he realized that he was forcing his son to deny his gentleness due to an internalized self-loathing for his
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own sensitivity. After some time, Alex was able to accept Noah—and himself—as highly sensitive males.
Changing Habits How and why to change your habits is perhaps one of the most important things you’ll learn in this book. You can read about all sorts of helpful healing modalities, but if you don’t integrate the new methods into your daily routine, the healing techniques will fade from your memory. Reading a guidebook without applying the new concepts is like taking a boat across a river, but not getting out on the other side. In this section you will learn how to implement the many healing methods you’ll be learning in this book. The first step in changing habits is to investigate how your belief system influences your behavior. When you were a child, you were probably taught by your parents, teachers, peers, and the media that you can only be happy if you live a stimulating life based on outer gratification, such as making a lot of money, finding the perfect mate, and achieving success at work. Looking for happiness and trying to obtain a feeling of self-worth exclusively from outside stimuli can create anxiety and tension for the reflective, sensitive person. It’s vital to deeply examine your life goals as you begin to understand that what you truly desire is inner-peace and that nothing in this constantly changing world can really give you lasting contentment. Life is temporary, and everything will eventually leave you. You can’t take money, a partner, or job status with you when you leave your body, so begin to look inside to make the necessary changes that will create inner-peace and happiness today. As a child, you were probably told that there was something inherently wrong with you for being so sensitive. You may have internalized that false belief, creating an addictive, self-fulfilling prophecy, subconsciously identifying with emotional pain. In other words, whenever you are confronted with sensitivity challenges, you may subconsciously believe that you deserve to suffer since you think that you’re flawed. Most self-defeating behavior is based on not loving yourself (Hay 1987). I frequently encounter sensitive students who have told me that it’s
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difficult to let go of an untenable situation, even when it’s creating enormous pain in their lives. There was a highly sensitive woman whose noisy upstairs neighbors were driving her crazy, yet she would always come up with an excuse not to move. I knew another HSP who worked for an abusive boss yet steadfastly refused to look for another job. Most people who remain in emotionally destructive situations believe that they deserve to suffer. Their low self-esteem, which is based on the untruth that there is something wrong with them, makes them think that pain is their due. Once you begin to understand the basis of your belief system, you will be aware of how your internalized beliefs influence your thought patterns. In other words, when you sow a thought, you reap an action. When you repeat an action, you develop a habit. When you maintain a habit, you create a character. When changing habits you need to be gentle with yourself and make the changes slowly. For example, if you try to stop an overeating habit cold turkey by going on a crash diet, you may end up eating the cold turkey—and all the trimmings. Take changes step by step. For example, if you want to go to bed an hour earlier to obtain more sleep, try going to bed just five minutes earlier each night so that in a few weeks, you’ll reach your goal. Once you have changed your consciousness by internalizing new positive values, you will spontaneously make changes to create more inner-peace and joy in your life. I was a TV addict my entire life until 1992. Even though I tried creating a healthier lifestyle for myself through exercise, a healthy diet, regular meditation, and employing new spiritual values, I would still watch shows that were detrimental to my emotional health for hours every day. The remote control was like a drug in my hands, as my thumb would compulsively flip from station to station. One night I was watching a movie based on a true story about a mass murderer who killed employees in an office building. Suddenly, I asked myself if I would invite this evil person into my living room if he knocked on my door. No way! Then I asked myself why I was allowing him into my home through the television. When the movie ended I took down my antenna and never watched commercial TV at home again. In retrospect, what finally broke my detrimental television addiction was a change in my consciousness: a realization of how destructive watching
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TV was for me as a highly sensitive person and that it would not bring me the inner-peace I desired. If you watch a few videos or limit your television time to several spiritually uplifting shows a week, it would mean spending considerably less time being overstimulated than the typical American (who watches approximately four hours of television daily). Another advantage to decreasing your time in front of the television is avoiding being bombarded by a myriad of endless overarousing commercials. The advertisers are trying to sell us their product in the least amount of time possible, resulting in a assault of stimuli that can wreak havoc with an HSP’s finely tuned nervous system. When watching television, remember to mute the commercials. It’s much easier to change habits when you are receiving support from other people than trying to make the changes alone. For example, I asked my family to help me maintain an environment free of commercial TV in my home. Besides enlisting support from your relatives, friends, and coworkers, you can attend a support group such as a twelve-step program or individual counseling. Once you have instituted new, positive habits in your life, you will become a shining example for both HSPs and non-HSPs , motivating others to seek inner-peace. You’ll need to use your will power to change habits. Make a list of the areas that are causing you pain, and as you read this book, use your volition to write down the new methods that you will employ to address these areas. As you begin having small victories in changing habits, your willpower will be strengthened. You can also increase your innerstrength through visualization and the use of affirmations. Make a resolution today that you will no longer remain in any environment in which there is no hope for you to be happy. However, since environment may be stronger than your willpower to change, you also need to remove yourself from situations that reinforce negative habits and low self-esteem. Your home and work environment are the most important factors that determine your ability to create a peaceful life, so it’s imperative that you create a harmonious work and home atmosphere. If you know that a certain environment creates anxiety, either try to change the unhealthy, overstimulating situation or remove yourself from the source of tension. I have noticed that you can generally replace a bad habit with a good one in just six months. One HSP, Felicia, told me that after several
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months of meditating the practice became a part of her life, just like brushing her teeth when she awoke. Felicia said that if she is unable to meditate in the morning, she doesn’t feel centered until she experiences at least ten minutes of deep relaxation. She noticed that when she’s feeling calm, little daily annoyances become less significant. Once you become focused on establishing peace of mind, you won’t have to give others a piece of your mind. Finally, you need to create new, satisfying, and nurturing activities to replace old habits. For example, when I finally turned off the TV, I started to really enjoy reading inspiring books, writing stories, and listening to uplifting music. When I think of the thousands of hours that I wasted staring at inane, stimulating programs, I sometimes become saddened at how I increased tension and angst in my life. However, I also realize that I was doing the best I could given the knowledge that I had at that particular time. This is also a time of new beginnings for you, and you don’t have to keep repeating old habits that don’t work for you anymore as you gain new knowledge and understanding of yourself (Hay 1987).
How to Change Habits y y y y y y
Investigate your belief system, and become aware when a habit creates pain. Be gentle with yourself by changing habits slowly. Try to always be aware of your new goal: creating inner-peace in your life. Enlist the support of your family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors; you may want to meet with a counselor or join a support group. Remove yourself from an environment that reinforces negative habits. Realize that in only six months you can replace a bad habit with a good one through daily practice.
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y y
Create new, satisfying, and nurturing activities to replace old habits. Using your willpower, develop a structured program to help you make positive lifestyle changes.
How to Use this Book The goal of this book is to help the highly sensitive person learn coping strategies to remain calm and peaceful in today’s overstimulating world. You will be given many suggestions on how to live a harmonious life and thrive at an optimal level. However, don’t pressure yourself to feel that you have to integrate the hundreds of recommendations into your life. Even if you choose to employ only one or two of the suggestions, it will help you to become a happier person. As you are reading this book it will be helpful for you to jot down notes regarding which methods you want to integrate into your life. You may want to use a journal so you don’t forget any important suggestions. At the end of each chapter make a list of the techniques that you want to implement and put them on your calendar. Begin enjoying the new coping strategies by practicing them this week. The key to a happy life for the HSP is planning ahead. It’s very important to make the necessary preparations to reduce stimulation in advance, such as taking earplugs or a headset with you when you are going into a noisy environment. You need to remain vigilant so that you’re not swept up in a sea of stifling societal stimulation. And finally, though it may sound strange, you may actually crave negative stimulation when you are out of balance. As you read the book, look deeply inside yourself to determine if your behavior is creating harmony or tension in your life. Welcome to the inner journey of exploring your psyche and emotions as you learn new and exciting methods to bring more inner-peace and joy into your life.