Praise for Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Devotional “Adoptive parents are sure to have moments in which they just don’t know what is going on for their child or how to help. Sherrie brings wisdom and peace to these moments with her insight into the adoptee experience, her deep and abiding faith, and Bible-sourced comfort. A heartfelt addition to your adoption book collection.” —L ORI H OLDEN , author of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption “All moms are busy, and adoptive moms face even more time-consuming challenges as they raise their children. We need inspiration to keep us moving forward and Sherrie’s devotional is the perfect tool to encourage parents in their journey. Sometimes a few short lines can help us regain perspective and get us through the day. Sherrie knows the special needs of adoptive parents, so there are no trite answers or simple solutions. Rather, gentle words that remind us of the most important things.” —K AY Y ERKOVICH , speaker, New Life Live trainer, and coauthor of How We Love and How We Love Our Kids “Adoption is a sacred undertaking—yet not without its challenges. Love is messy! And beautiful. Sherrie Eldridge’s devotional will provide companionship and perspective for the journey. Don’t do adoption alone! Pick up this guide and learn to see how God walks along with you.” —E LISA M ORGAN , founder of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), speaker, author of The Beauty of Broken, and publisher of the online magazine, FullFill
Twenty Things Adopted Kids
Wish
A Daily Devotional f o r Ad o pt iv e and B ir th Pa r e nts
Sherrie Eldridge
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA
New Hope® Publishers PO Box 12065 Birmingham, AL 35202-2065 NewHopePublishers.com New Hope Publishers is a division of WMU®. © 2015 by Sherrie Eldridge All rights reserved. First printing 2015. Printed in the United States of America. New Hope Publishers serves its authors as they express their views, which may not express the views of the publisher. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher. Library of Congress Control Number: 2015949216 All scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ Scripture quotations marked (AMP) are taken from the Amplified® Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Scripture quotations marked (TLB) are taken from The Living Bible copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (KJV) are taken from The Holy Bible, King James Version. Poem, p. 20, copyright © 2013, Joel Lopez, Heartland Church, Indianapolis, Indiana. Used by permission. ISBN-10: 1-59669-421-1 ISBN-13: 978-1-59669-421-7 N144125 • 1115 • 3M
Dedicated to Lisa and Chrissie, whom I love with all my heart.
Table of Contents Introduction
9
January
The Beautiful Braid of Adoption The Big Picture of Adoption
11
February
The Grafted Tree Dynamics of Adoption and Identity
27
March
The Adoptee’s Dance Getting Creative with Special Needs
41
April
Pearl of Intimacy Developing Give-and-Take Relationship 57 May
Sandcastles of the Heart Adoptees’ Fantasies About Birth Parents 71 June
The Red Lizard Resolving Anger Issues
85
July
Adoptee Rite of Passage Flip Side of the Profound Wound
99
August
Boy and the Butterfly Struggles Are Essential for Growth
115
September
Jewels in His Pocket Establishing Self-Worth
131
October
The Good Shepherd God’s Pursuing Love and Care
146
November
Child of the King Establishing Unshakeable Identity
162
December
On Eagles’ Wings Overcoming a Painful Past
177
Acknowledgments Many thanks to New HopeÂŽ Publishers for catching the vision for this devotional and for providing both adoptive and birth parents with a source of inspiration for their daily lives.
Thanks to the many friends who prayed for this book and the process of writing. My literary agent, Rita Rosenkranz, was awesome in working out every single detail with New Hope. Thanks to Rebecca Swan Vahle for proofing the text with an eagle’s eye for adoption correctness. Thanks to my husband, Bob, who cooked, cleaned, and did whatever necessary to free me up to write.
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Introduction Dear parents and those who love an adoptee, Ever wish you could see inside the heart of the adoptee you love and then storm heaven’s gates on their behalf? Here’s your chance! Imagine this: Your doorbell rings. Quickly, you run to open the door only to find a large, square gift box wrapped in white and tied with shiny black ribbons. Why black ribbons on such a lovely gift box? The black ribbons represent preadoption issues your child must process in order to experience all God has planned for him or her. The white box represents your child’s life, given by the Gift-Giver Himself. Go ahead . . . untie the ribbons . . . open the box. Inside are 12 envelopes that will provide a metaphor or story that can be your focal point for each month of the year. You might use the metaphor of the box and ribbons for: an ongoing family craft project. Then, you could use each of the 12 metaphors in the envelopes for:
Springboards for opening biblical truths for your family Celebrations of the Giver of Life and how He shows up in our everyday lives As you read through the 12 months of devotions, the black ribbons will transform into sparkling white, representing the transformational love and comfort of Jesus for you, your child, and your family. 9
This devotional is based on my first book, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, which helps nonadopted people see the adoptee’s perspective on life. Published in 1999, it remains a best seller in the adoption literary niche and is required reading by many adoption agencies. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish: A Daily Devotional for Adoptive and Birth Parents will empower you to:
Recognize core issues to pray more effectively Understand the positive side of your child’s special needs Learn how to gain or lose entrance into your child’s world Help your child conquer anger issues Embrace the flip side of the profound wound Teach your child how to grieve loss Be a Christlike parent I’ll be writing in first person, as an adoptee, but not presuming to speak for all adoptees. Just one voice, praying this book will bless you like crazy. In line with positive adoptive language, I have chosen the words birth parents to honor the gift they’ve given preadoption and oftentimes continue to give postadoption. In my book closet, the top shelf contains well-worn books that are my favorites because they’ve helped me know Jesus more. I pray this book may be on your top shelf. With warm regards, Sherrie Eldridge 10
January
The Beautiful Braid of Adoption Th e B i g P i c t u r e o f A d o p t i o n
January 1 “They fashioned the breast-piece. . . . like the ephod: of gold, and of blue, purple and scarlet yarn, and of finely twisted linen.” (Exodus 39:8) “For the entrance to the tent make a curtain of blue, purple and scarlet yarn and finely twisted linen—the work of an embroiderer.” (Exodus 26:36) Long, long ago, in eternity past, God created a beautiful family braid and named it “Adoption.” The braid wasn’t a second thought or Plan B. It was his idea before you or I ever drew a breath on planet earth. He chose you to be a part of His braid. Me, too! I’m an adoptee . . . all grown up . . . at least physically! It is an honor that you are reading this book. Let’s get started by learning where you are in the beautiful braid! Three colored cords of finely twisted linen comprise the braid. The green cord represents the birth parents, the purple, the adoptive parents, and the red, the adoptee. Around the three cords is a gold cord, thicker and wider, woven within, around, and up, and down. This is representative of our sovereign God who controls all things for His glory and the good of those who love Him. Your life has been touched by adoption for a purpose! It may seem a bit scary and the responsibility heavy, but God will pull it off. What a relief! 11
January 2 “At this time Moses was born, and he was no ordinary child. For three months he was cared for by his family.” (Acts 7:20) The red cord, the adoptee, is a unique weaving together of nature and nurture into one marvelous human being, with unlimited potential. Remember . . . you longed to parent this child almost more than life itself. You loved him long before his face ever appeared. You delight in his uniqueness. You eagerly anticipate that speck of potential in his eyes becoming a reality. Revel in the fact that you are instrumental in God’s plan.
January 3 “[Prompted] by faith, Moses, after his birth, was kept concealed for three months by his parents, because they saw how comely the child was; and they were not overawed and terrified by the king’s decree.” (Hebrews 11:23 AMP) Green represents birth parents, like Moses’s parents, who protected his life both in and after the womb. Birth parents sacrificially let go of the parenting role, trusting God with the bigger plan for their child’s life. Like Moses’s mother, who asked God how to save her son’s life, birth parents voluntarily embrace grief and loss for the good of their children and in obedient love for the sovereign will of God.
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January The Beautiful Braid of Adoption
January 4 “As they talked and discussed these things . . . Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him.” (Luke 24:15) The purple cord represents adoptive parents. Purple makes one think of royalty, distinction, eminence, greatness, and nobility. But maybe you don’t feel royal. Did you not realize that on adoption day, you were stepping into the throne room of the King instead of an orphanage or hospital waiting room? Did you not realize that the social worker holding your child’s hand while removing her from a neglectful or abusive household was actually the hand of God? You couldn’t sense God’s presence? That’s OK. The two on the road to Emmaus in Luke 24 couldn’t either, but that doesn’t change the fact that Jesus was there, as He has always been with you.
January 5 “They will wage war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will triumph over them because he is Lord of lords and King of kings—and with him will be his called, chosen and faithful followers.” (Revelation 17:14) The gold cord represents God Almighty—strong, unconquerable, Ruler of heaven and earth. He will never leave or forsake you. He will never condemn you. If everything seems wrong and you are overwrought with guilt, that is from the enemy of your soul, not from the Lord who loves you. False guilt torments. True guilt disappears with repentance. If God wants something in you to change, He gently points to the thing and says, “This needs to change— and I’ll help you.” Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish
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January 6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9) Teaching your child how to braid the cords of adoption—to know and understand his adoption story—requires openness and honesty. It means speaking adoption truth from day one. “I am so glad that we get to be your parents.” Can a baby understand? Perhaps spiritually? An older child certainly can. It may feel uncomfortable, but this is the way to create an environment conducive to child and family growth. As you tell the truth at age-appropriate times, his shattered trust will mend and deeper connections will occur. Remember, you were made for this, and God has promised to provide everything needful.
January 7 “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25) When you see stains of shame on the green (birth parents) or purple (adoptive parents) cords, look to the Cross, not performance. Shame tells you something is wrong with you as a person. Remember how the Savior sees you and your child’s birth parents. You’re not a shameful person . . . you’re a child of the King. And, Jesus died for your child’s birth parents, just as He did for you. Only through God’s forgiveness will your heart be an open conduit of unconditional love for your child and her birth parents. God forgave the unforgivable. Dare we do less? 14
January The Beautiful Braid of Adoption
January 8 “Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” (Deuteronomy 30:19) Both the green and purple cords (birth parents and adoptive parents) may be twisted at points because of unhealthy choices. Assure your child that everyone has the privilege of choice, regardless of her heritage. With a big hug, give assurance that, as her parent, you’ll help her make great choices. Offer hope that while both adoptive and birth parents aren’t perfect, Jesus is.
January 9 “Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.” (John 1:3) Your child’s self-worth may be hanging by a single red thread. He may secretly believe that his life is a mistake. This can occur because of the circumstances and/or secrecy surrounding his adoption. Your child may reason, “My birth parents must have given me away because something is wrong with me.” Remember, facts that are unmentioned cannot be properly processed by you or your child. Research and consider the age-appropriate time for telling your child the hard truths about his birth family. Your child may be shocked, but that is a normal response. In time, your child will realize the commitment her birth mother displayed in carrying her to birth.
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish
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January 10 “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever.” (Deuteronomy 29:29) If your adoption is international, the green cord in your extended family’s braid of adoption may be missing. A certificate of abandonment may be your only document. Your child can still develop a healthy identity. There is still information available that you’re not aware of. Invite him to go on a “treasure hunt” with you. Ask, “What is your favorite food, color, activity?” and other questions to help your child consider her likes, dislikes, and other characteristics. This will help her realize that her birth parents gave her many gifts. Encourage putting unknown things into God’s big, loving hands, and assure her that her birth parents aren’t unknown to Him. He sees all, even though we can’t.
January 11 “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” (1 Corinthians 13:11) Openness and honesty always produce freedom! You are learning the lifelong practice of weaving the realities of adoption into your extended family’s braid. Not every parent has your boldness and authenticity—no quivering lips or tears when your child’s biological family members are mentioned. No nervousness from holding back information, either. Your child loves you for that. Trust God to give words when you cannot find them. 16
January The Beautiful Braid of Adoption
January 12 “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Corinthians 3:17) Celebrating your child’s differences helps your family’s adoption braid to become fully formed and increasingly beautiful. Encourage your child’s connection to her birth parents with statements such as, “If your birth mom hadn’t given you that talent for playing the piano, this would be a boring place.” Or, to a teen in open adoption, you might say, “I wonder how your birth dad reacted when discovering pimples on his face. You’re going to see him this weekend and can ask him!” Kudos to you, savvy parents, who help your child discover connections to her birth parents during everyday life.
January 13 “For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring.” (Isaiah 44:3) Oftentimes, family braids need mending. This is normal! Parents get exhausted and don’t have the energy or resources to mend the braid. However, God delights in transforming what is broken into something beautiful. Like exhausted and discouraged Elijah under the bush (1 Kings 19:5), seek respite. Call your adoption agency and ask for this help. He wants you to take good care of yourself because many opportunities await you. Make healthy lifestyle choices: eat nutritious foods, and enjoy enriching activities. Don’t live on a tight schedule. Lean hard into Him because He loves you dearly. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish
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January 14 “My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king.” (Psalm 45:1) Your child’s red cord may be shiny and glistening. You may have the privilege of hearing your child tell her story, maybe a story that sounds a little like this: “Nobody knew I was alive, except God. He planned my life before the world began. He used a little bit of my birth family’s influence and a little bit of my adoptive parents’ nurture and teaching to make me into the person He created.”
January 15 “You are familiar with all my ways.” (Psalm 139:3) Your teen adoptee will leave home someday for college, a job, or independent living. What will you call to him as he pulls out of the driveway? “I love you! Take good care of yourself!” How humbling to learn that children learn selfcare from their parents. They’ve been taking notes on how you care for yourself under pressure, change, conflict, and challenges. Thank God for grace!
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January The Beautiful Braid of Adoption
January 16 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.” (Joel 2:25) Your child’s red cord may be tear-stained. Maybe there are disappointing circumstances in your child’s relationships with her birth parents. Or, perhaps your child knows nothing about his birth parents. No history whatsoever. If your adoption is open, perhaps, your child’s birth mother forgot their movie date or did not respond to your child’s letter. Validate the sense of loss, and then assure your child that God will always be faithful to her. There are no lost experiences with Him. Point her to the One who never breaks promises.
January 17 “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.” (Ephesians 3:14–15) Sometimes, your child might feel torn between both sets of parents and may ask, “Should I feel the same about both sets of parents? Which parents should I be closest to? How can I be close to one and not hurt the other?” Here’s the struggle: adoptees don’t want to imply lack of love or ungratefulness to adoptive parents, and yet birth family love is bone deep. Whatever set of parents he is with or is thinking of, he will likely feel anxious about mentioning the others. Remove that pressure—express your love for everyone involved.
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January 18 “Honor your father and your mother.” (Exodus 20:12) The adoptee must be taught to honor both fathers and both mothers. She learns this from you. If your child’s birth parents are not behaving honorably, you can honor their position instead of performance. Always give the assurance to your child that God can change people’s hearts and lives. Someday that parent may be an incredibly positive influence. Someday you may be lauding the growth of a once hurting, confused birth parent. This knowledge will encourage your child.
January 19 “The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.” (Isaiah 40:28) Before the world began, You had me in Your hand. Created to be loved, My purpose is in You. Everything, absolutely everything, Above and below, its purpose You know. The visible and invisible, Everything was started in You. I found my purpose in You, Jesus, Created to worship You forever. I’ll worship You my Savior, My life is Yours forever. —Joel Lopez
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January The Beautiful Braid of Adoption
January 20 “Cut the living child in two and give half . . . Give the living baby to the first woman . . . she is his mother.” (1 Kings 3:25–27) Who is the real parent? This question surfaces in many arenas. You and your child do not need to feel threatened by it. Perhaps role-play this answer together: “Real parents put their child’s needs first.” So, the birth parents are real because they chose to carry the adoptee and give the gift of birth. And adoptive moms and dads are real because they choose to love and raise the adoptee—in the trenches, on their faces praying—every day. What would we adoptees do without the influence of all four of you?
January 21 “The truth will set you free.” (John 8:32) A rip in the red cord illustrates your child’s trauma of losing her birth parents’ parenting. Trauma’s repercussions may manifest as a screaming infant, ranting teenager, clinical depression, running away, or school-age tantrums. Don’t tense up, parents! If you do, your child will pull away, retreat within, run away, or act out. However, as you identify the triggers that produce the sensory memories that may be the cause of the challenging behavior, your child may be open to comfort. Assure your child that she is able to work through pain and will heal—and that you’ll always be for and with her.
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish
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January 22 “Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.” (Isaiah 43:5) “I am not like you!” the adoptee screams. Parents, please be patient with your child. Your child is trying his best to cope with a dual identity (two sets of parents). What your child is trying to say is that he wants close connections with both sets of parents. Don’t feel threatened. Remember your vital role in your child’s life. “Yes, you’re not like me or your birth parents. You are your own person . . . and how I love that person.”
January 23 “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror.” (1 Corinthians 13:12) God’s beautifully woven adoption braid represents His perspective on adoption. Wouldn’t it be great if living as an adoptive family were that way here on Earth? In reality, our adoption braids are torn, tattered, stained, frayed, and sometimes ready to break. Where is God, the Author of adoption, in all the hurt and challenges? He’s in it all with you and me. Remember, He said He’d never leave us (Hebrews 13:5). He never expected perfection. We need to give up seeking it and look to Him instead.
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January The Beautiful Braid of Adoption
January 24 “Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, ‘Get up and eat.’” (1 Kings 19:5) If your family braid looks tired, you may feel like the great prophet, Elijah, who was greatly used in God’s kingdom. Remember how he was chased to the point of exhaustion by Queen Jezebel? Are you battling discouragement, like Elijah? Satan would be delighted if you are because it’s one of his favorite tools. Ponder all you’ve been through lately. You haven’t failed in your faith walk. Even the greats get exhausted. Be like Elijah. Rest, eat well, and expect a touch from God.
January 25 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” (Isaiah 49:15) Oftentimes, adoptees’ birth mothers refuse to reunite with their birth children. We don’t hear about this in the media. We’d like to think that all mothers want their babies or children, but God tells us the painful reality in Isaiah 49:15. Birth mothers have the choice of sacrificially walking into the valley of grief on behalf of their children or taking the well-worn path of self-protection. If an adoptee experiences rejection from her birth mother, God makes His presence known in special ways, proving His love is deeper than any human rejection.
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January 26 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5) There is no need for competition or comparison between parents. Each parent has unique contributions for adoptee hearts. Love is not possessive, but in our humanity, we want to be the only parent, or at least the preferred parent. Both sets of parents, the green and purple cords, are vital to a thriving adopted child, even when the birth parents aren’t known. Your child with thrive as you acknowledge that missing parent . . . God gave adoptees big hearts, able to receive love from everyone in the adoption braid.
January 27 “I have revealed you to those you gave me out of the world . . . I pray for them.” (John 17:6, 9) God cares for your family. My pastor, Darryn Scheske, has reflected God’s care by rising early to make daily breakfast for his kids since they were small. It’s a special time each day where he and his wife love their children and listen to them, giving attention and approval. Just before the bus comes, he reminds them they have an opportunity to change someone’s life. They can make a difference. His last words to them: “Remember who you are. You’re leaders, not followers!” High fives, and they’re off. Remember whose you are today, and then remind your children they are God’s kids.
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January The Beautiful Braid of Adoption
January 28 “Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world . . . why . . . do you submit to its rules?” (Colossians 2:20) Rules have their place, but for the child who’s been traumatized, she may believe that the only way to know God or be accepted by Him or you is by rule keeping. Help your child steer away from performance-based relationships. She may not know what it means to have a personal relationship with God. It’s likely off her radar screen. But, you are the key person to live out this reality for her. You are like Jesus with skin on. What an awesome privilege! Pick your battles, and teach your child that grace trumps rules.
January 29 “I have made you, you are my servant; Israel, I will not forget you.” (Isaiah 44:21) Knots in your child’s red cord illustrate trauma. Adoptees raised in the closed adoption system of decades past were often told their birth story only once. Some say, “I feel like an alien who was dropped out of the sky into my parents’ home.” To help your child from any era discover his true identity, take your child back to eternity past, to the heart of Father God. This is the place of shameless beginnings. The lifeline begins here and continues consistently, even throughout the broken places.
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January 30 “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” (Psalm 68:5) If the adoptee is searching for the birth family, unexpected and painful events may occur. One adoptee entered a counselor’s office for the first time and was asked by the counselor if her mother tried to abort her. She was shocked at such a question. Years later, the adoptee was reunited with her birth mother, who boldly announced that she would have aborted her if possible. This heartbreaking truth is part of many adoptees’ story. If your child is met with rejection, assure him that rejection is not his fault. Most adoptees feel they must take responsibility for rejection. Even if the birth mother attempted abortion, God brought good from evil—and your child is the good. Return to the legacy Jesus left for orphans: God is a Father to the fatherless.
January 31 “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.” (Psalm 126:5) Envision your children dancing around a huge maypole, holding on to red, green, and purple ribbons. They are celebrating that their lives were touched by adoption. That’s far from what we see in this world. Our adoption braids may be one big mess temporarily, yet we walk by grace in the messiness of life and choose to see adoption and one another through God’s grace-filled eyes.
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January The Beautiful Braid of Adoption