Balancing the Scales

Parenting and practising

Barbara Relph

A balance between work and family is good for everyone but creating the mental and emotional energy to achieve this takes work and planning. For a barrister, reducing work hours is all very well but client needs must still be met, deadlines adhered to, and there must be no disruption to the service provided.

The atypical work hours associated with running a practice can lead to stress or exhaustion, leaving the barrister unable to be emotionally involved in family life. And the dominoes keep falling with communication difficulties causing poorly defined or inequitable roles within the family leading to wider relationship problems.

It’s hard to achieve a good balance between parenting and work – especially if the bank is your boss – but it is worthwhile. Mental health improves, burnout reduces, and satisfaction with personal relationships increase. With that in mind, there’s no doubt the most important – and the most difficult – thing you can do for your family is to pick the right person to have children with. If your partner sees you as an adjunct to their career it is significantly harder to succeed as a barrister.

A quick chat with Kate Davenport QC highlighted some of the many challenges. Knowing the children’s needs are paramount, constant exhaustion is a given. Because law is not a career which complies with a regular work schedule, it is common for lawyer parents to come home to do their parenting job and then head for the home office, often working until late, simply because they have to.

Years of lobbying, mentoring and encouragement has made the legal profession in 2021 markedly more family friendly for both men and women, and most recent female bench or silk appointments are also mothers.

We interviewed four barristers – all mid-juggle – to ask about the challenges and rewards of combining practising and parenting. Common themes which emerged were the importance of flexibility, a great home office setup, teamwork, and outside support. The various ways in which a good balance is achieved varies greatly between individuals, as we see here.

Every day is different – regularly check your solutions are fit for purpose

Isabella Clarke and husband Sean have two young boys, aged almost seven and almost five. Sean is a GP working four days a week and Isabella practises from her home office as a member of Kate Sheppard Chambers, a virtual office environment for women.

Isabella’s office has everything she needs (including a lock on the door to keep small people out). She is fully mobile, travelling to meet clients or even to the beach to have some quiet deep-thinking time. Acknowledging it doesn’t work for everyone, Isabella enjoys having no fixed boundaries between work and home. “It feels indulgent, but I seem to get more done in a day than I would in an office. I often work in the evening and go for a walk during the day. I’m completely self-directed about the order in which I do things.”

“Because law is creative, being tied to a desk can stymie that creativity. Taking your mind to another place can really aid the creative process, even if that place is the washing line.” Although she has no intentional boundary, Isabella generally works three days a week, but at irregular hours.

Sharing domestic duties with Sean, Isabella took literally the advice of Victoria Casey QC. “Get a cleaner.” This has been life changing, allowing Isabella and Sean to spend more time with the children, together.

Childcare outside the home was chosen to advance the children’s socialisation with their peers and other adults; and having grandparents handy has been a huge bonus. This also allows Sean and Isabella space both alone and together for other activities and outings.

Isabella’s advice to a young family starting this journey is not to expect every day to be static. “Things change and sometimes you feel in control, other times you don’t. Keep checking in with your partner to make sure your solutions are fit for purpose at the time.”

The second valuable piece of advice is that people want to help. “As a lawyer, your Type A personality won’t find this easy! Let it go. Don’t underestimate the challenges of combining two serious, responsible jobs.”

Flexibility and a great home and chambers setup

With two lawyers in the family, Phillip Cornegé recognises his privileged position. Phil and wife Kate live in Cambridge and have two children aged nine and six. The decision as to who would take primary responsibility for the children was relatively easy – Phil, as a commercial barrister, had significantly more flexibility in his work life than Kate, a law firm partner in Hamilton.

Attending chambers just one day a week avoids a commute of up to an hour every day. Phil’s practice is entirely paperless, and their shared home office is, technology-wise, identical to his chambers.

Phil works school hours, dropping tools mid-afternoon for the school run and various sports and cultural activities. Chatting to other parents in the school yard provides a perfect transition from office to family, and social sport ensures he has time away from the law. “Going for a run is great for your health, but it doesn’t stop you thinking about work!”

Sharing all household tasks, Kate and Phil find time for themselves every evening, preparing a meal once the children are in bed, and on Sundays they gather the troops for a simple family adventure – a walk or bike ride – to reconnect as a family.

The Cornegé family are fortunate that their two good incomes result in financial flexibility, and with grandparents living nearby, Phil and Kate can find a work-around should a court case or conference crop up which disrupts the routine.

Phil quips that “the key to success is a wife with a good income,” but in all seriousness, his advice is to be flexible. “Having a set up at home which replicates chambers enables the parent at home to be as productive as possible.”

Decompress before cross-examining the family

Sara (not her real name) returned to a large firm after maternity leave, on track for partnership. What she thought she wanted and what actually transpired were quite different, she recalls. Something had to give between the long hours and family life.

Sara and husband Ian took time to consider their priorities. They tried a new routine with Ian working part-time and assuming primary parenting duties, and Sara joined the independent bar a few years sooner than she intended, but a move she and her family do not regret. “The support at the bar and through the NZBA got me through the hard times - it was no longer just being a lawyer; it was about being ‘in business’ a skill set I needed help with.”

Sara is determined to be an involved parent – a mum – and manages to work in drop-offs and pick-ups. Things don’t always work to plan, however, and Sara and Ian frequently rely on outside help from grandparents, babysitters and even neighbours on occasion.

Each school holiday is used to plan the next term’s routine, ensuring hearings, parenting and self-care for all the family are organised. Sara claims to be a “control freak”, but planning can only take you so far. “Everyone involved in your family unit has to be agile.” Sometimes in the last 10 years Sara has forgone professional functions, and even turned down large cases to honour pre-planned family commitments. “Other people at different stages in their career will prioritise other things,” she says. “Each to their own,” is her view.

“I approach my work life as if it’s a marathon. I’m in it for the long haul and can’t afford to fall over by overextending myself too early.” She is quick to point out that her view is unique to the priorities she has set for herself.

To avoid walking in the door and cross-examining the family, decompression time for Sara is a ferry ride and a short walk home. She uses this time to refocus and look at the positives, with the aim – not always achieved – of walking in the door with, “How was your day? What was fun?”

The key is to be agile and to expect uncertainty and hiccups in both family and practice. “There will always be days and even weeks which don’t work out as planned and it’s easy to feel others are judging you. It’s good to recognise that everyone has different priorities and dynamics to work with, and we are all doing it the best we can.”

Go ahead, prioritise your family

Planning is the key to Sam Jeffs’ rather idyllic life. Sam is at work by 6am most days, and home mid-afternoon to have some fun time with his two preschool children before cooking dinner for the family.

Sam and wife Jane always planned to have a family relatively young. To achieve this, Sam went to the bar very early in his career to create “the workplace culture that [he] wanted to live”, not endure. Bankside Chambers provides an excellent brand and credibility, and a flow of work from his time junioring for David Williams QC.

Sam’s commute is his buffer between work and family, travelling off-peak and avoiding traffic congestion being a secondary benefit. He will happily take a call during the afternoon or spend time in his home office (which doubles as a lego playland) later in the evening if he has urgent client work. Sam will readily explain any background noise to a client by acknowledging that he is with his children. “It would take a pretty unreasonable person to object to that!”

Conscious of modelling his version of “normal” for his daughter and, of course, keen to help Jane with the chores, Sam participates in every aspect of home life. “At least cleaning the shower is an achievable goal with a certain end date, unlike some of the legal cases on my desk.”

And Sam’s advice? Three simple rules: “Set your own boundaries for your future life. Work out what your values are and stick to them. Manage the expectations of the people you are working with by planning ahead.” When he says he has other commitments and will do it tomorrow, he will. It doesn’t matter that the commitment was to take his toddler to Snow Planet for her first snow-boarding lesson on Thursday. It was an important commitment.

* Barbara is a professional writer, editor and proof-reader – www.barbararelph.com.