issue 1

www.nexusmag.co.nz

2 March 2009

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Editor: Joshua Drummond (editor@nexusmag.co.nz)

Design: Talia Mussom (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz)

Advertising: Tony Arkell

Features:

(admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz/021 176 6180)

Assistant to the Editor: Andrew Neal (news@nexus-npl.co.nz)

04 Editorial 05 Low Five 06 Contact FM guff!

08-11 News 12 Vault 13 Police Report 14-15 Lettuce 25-28 WSU 29 Notices 30 Boganology 101 30 Agony Art 31 Granny Smith 31 Sarcophagus Rex 32 The Nerdary 32 Kirill’s Physical Education 33 Flash Medallion’s Puzzle Page 34 Horoscopes 36 Auteur House Presents 36 Movie Review 37 Gig Guide 39 BUSTED

Vitamin C’s Guide To Free Stuff O’ver O’week

Film Ed: Art Focker Games Editor: Antony Parnell

In which the long-time Nexus hanger-on passes on his years (actual years) of experience

Other Editors Needed: See the next page

Cigarettes are Weed: the rushed and worrying adventures of Agony Art at Parachute! Come on.

Contributors

What did you think would happen?

Laundry, Dr Richard Swainson, Josh, Grant

for details

Vitamin C, WSU, Kirill, Chris Parnell, Burton C. Bogan, Nick Sicklemore, Dawn Tuffery, Jed Burns, Mammoth, HCAC, Flash Medallion, Art

Big Day Round-up

Focker, Blair Munro, and the Pool Party Girls.

Grant was there. He tells you about it.

Grant wants your numbers – send them to news@nexus-npl.co.nz.

New Stuff Check out our Contact FM Announcer’s Guide, and make sure you stop by Vitamin C’s Guide to Free Stuff O’ver O’week. For the frugal and/or curious, there’s Granny Smith’s Recession Survival Tips, and don’t forget to see into the distant future with Luna Goodlove’s Horoscopes!

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Because now that the mainstream is dying, it’s all you’ve got left.

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD.

Hi. I’m Josh and I’m editing Nexus (again) this year.

There are a bunch of things I feel obligated to dispense with in the opening editorial. Editorials usually take the form of critiquing a given issue with the implicit suggestion that whatever you’re writing about would be all better if only journalists ran the world.

I can’t see a problem with this, as things would clearly be better if I ran them. (To make this apply to you, simply insert the word You, meaning, in your case, I, where I have used the word I. Or, more simply, read the sentence out loud.) But this the first editorial, and it’s been a long summer, so there’s a lot to get through. I’ll make it brief.

O’week

Economic Crisis Verdict: Blessing in Disguise …for universities. So it’ll slow the already snail-paced international student influx. So it will basically wreck the world. Big deal. A shitty economy means mass domestic University enrolments. This is good for Universities, if they manage it right. Long run, this could be good for the country. I could be wrong. Ask your Econ 101 teacher.

Otago University Students Hurl Shit and Vomit at Other Students Verdict: Fubar WTF, Otago. WTF. Next time you see a complaint (even from us) about Waikato Uni not having a “student culture,” remember this is a lot of people’s idea of what a student culture is. No doubt it’s the usual story

Verdict: Iffy Oh, look, it’s that time again. Okay. If you haven’t been here before O’week is like when you were a kid and spent the whole five bucks on lollies. It’s real fun and hyper until the sugar rush wears off and you get a stonking headache. Now that you’re twice as old and at least two years older mentally, you can replace “five bucks” with “unwise giant loan from Bank X” and “lollies” with “alcohol.” So, O’week. Be distracted by the pretty colours and happy events and good times bro, good times.

There’s a tonne of study ahead, assuming you’re an actual student and not one of those people who came to study a Law and Sci conjoint because you think you’re going to be a CSI. If you are, you may as well do O’week and then drop out. Bye. You won’t be missed.

of a warped minority ruining the fun for everyone else, but the fact that this happened at all raises serious questions about what the hell it is that turns normal people into subhuman barbarians as soon as they set foot in Dunedin (Answer: masochistic/aggressive hidden alcohol abuse culture.) As the old Otago Uni slogan had it: Get over it.

THINGS YOU COULD POTENTIALLY DO FOR US THIS YEAR:

Halls of Residence Reporter: Nexus has long wondered what goes on in these

(apply to editor@nexusmag.co.nz. Jobs are all voluntary for the love/experience of

mysterious, decadent halls. We’d like someone to tell us. You’ll be able to write

it, but you get free swag for your troubles.)

and round up what happens in the Four Halls on a semi-weekly basis.

Books Editor. The Books Editor’s job is to read, review, and organise reviews of

Tauranga Reporter: See above, but replace “Halls” with “Tauranga.” We would

books (that you get for free.) Must be super-literate and enjoy reading everything.

dearly love to know what goes on here.

Music Editor: We need you to review or organise (good) reviews of CDs (usually

Cartoonists: Nexus used to be stuffed with local cartoons. Sadly, this has dried up

two a week) and write the weekly Citric column about what’s happening to the

over the last couple of years. If you’re a cartoonist of any kind, we want you.

Volunteering for Nexus Verdict: Awesome Nexus is made up mostly of your volunteer labours. Without student input, it’s nothing. We want you to help make us something, and have a lot of fun in the process. Believe me, doing stuff for a student magazine could easily be the most fun you have at university. We’ve got a good crew and we want you on board. Below is a list of positions we need filling. Have a great year, and keep grabbing Nexus. Hopefully, we’ll grab you back.

tune of local music. You’ve got to know what the fuck you’re talking about and be a good writer. Some musical experience is a bonus but not necessary.

Odds and sods: We want volunteers of all kinds, who can do any jobs – if you’ve got the attitude (and some existing/potential writing ability, of course) we want you

Theatre Editor: Go to plays, review them, know what you’re talking about, and

on board.

be able to organise others to do the same thing.

Remember – apply to editor@nexusmag.co.nz!

Sportswriter/Editor: We want someone who knows and is passionate about sports, and, most importantly, can write well. You should be able to go to local

*This actually happened to our old News Editor, Andrew. I was surprised too. It

sports games (amateur and professional) and write them up. For your troubles, you

probably won’t happen to you.

will receive press passes to games of all kinds.

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1. Why are you at Waikato University?

2. Where are you from?

3. What’s better: getting drunk or straight A’s?

4. What are you studying?

5. Do you know what you did last summer?

Stephanie 1. Because it was the uni that most appealed to me 2. Whangarei 3. Straight A’s 4. LLB 5. At the beach, Hihi

Tim 1. Because it’s Wednesday 2. Hamilton 3. Getting drunk 4. Linguistics 5. It’s all a bit of a haze

Francis and Amber 1. To study abroad 2. Texas, USA 3. Straight A’s 4. International relations, speech linguistic sciences 5. I lived in Montana

Shannon (local quiz master) 1. Just can’t leave 2. Hamilton 3. Straight A’s while drunk 4. Social sciences person 5. Vaguely

David Bennett (Hamilton East National MP) 1. Welcoming new students 2. Hamilton, went to St Johns then Victoria University 3. Getting drunk. Er. I mean, both 4. Law and commerce 5. Yeah, I went to Cuba (Holy goddamn – Ed)

Mondays 5.30-7pm Sweatbeatz with

MONDAY MORNINGS 9-11 WITH

Sweetbeatz is an eclectic show mostly made up of Downbeat, Hip hop, Dub, upbeat D&B, and much, much more. It’s the type of music you listen to after a hard day using your brain and will help you get back to feeling yourself again.

Some of the artists we like listening to include Thievery Corporation, Pacific Heights, Wise Guys, Shapeshifter, Fat Freddy’s Drop...basically anything with phat beats and funky undertones.

Sponsored by Al Qaeda. Music encompasses the usual quality Contact selection with obligatory track by The Fall. Features include gig guide, movie reviews with Dr. Richard Swainson, weird news, snot report, random ‘big ups’, assorted blatherings.

Sweatbeatz is presented by Sally who is occasionally joined by special guest, DJ Logee. So if you’re keen to hear something a little different join us on Mondays 5.30 - 7pm

Tuesdays 5-7pm with

Giveaways happening all week…

The Contact Disorientation Busking Competition Contact FM and The Cook Café and Bar have $200 up for grabs plus a spot opening the Friday night Disorientation gig for the winner of our O’week Busking Comp.

If you’re into your kiwiana this is the show for you! Tuesdays 5-7pm tune in to the sounds of many diverse artists like Shapeshifter, Concord Dawn, Mc Tali, Salmonella Dub, dDub, Pitchblack and plenty more!

Genre focused on drum n bass, alternative, reggae, all the way up to easy listening! Also features music, interviews and gig reviews from up and coming local artists. Stay tuned for the coming year!

Held on Tuesday 3rd March between 10am and 2pm performers choose their own spot and time on campus (subject to approval) and do their thing for the judges.

The competition is open to all types of performance so get your entry in soon by emailing your contact details to contactfm88.1@gmail.com or get more details by phoning 021 26 88 776.

Tamatai “Tai” Ngarimu is currently a graduate student at the University of Waikato. Since the beginning of 2006 he has been involved with Contact FM in one form or another. Sonic Explorations is all about showcasing progressive, experimental and avant-garde music.

So you’ll hear old stuff (Pink Floyd, King Crimson, Faust, The Residents, Karlheinz Stokhousen, John Cage), new stuff (Battles, Sonic Youth, Aphex Twin, Acid Mothers Temple, Sunn O), Mike Patton), local stuff (Sora Shima, Snake-Beings, The Dead C, Bailter Space) and international stuff (Boris, Sigur Ros, The Moon and the Nightspirit, Merzbow).

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Sundays 12-2pm Church of Comedy with

This show is in a realm of its own… Ranging from the sublime to the completely outrageous - just about anything goes… About as fun as radio gets with your clothes on…

Fridays 5.30-7.00pm ‘The Moneypenny Show’ with

Paula Moneypenny has an unusual name. This is by choice. It has little to do with James Bond and still less with the content of her Friday night show, which commences around 5pm and continues on to around 8pm.

Paula’s energy levels are such that she is registered as a back up power supply for the national grid. Her show reflects the diversity of her interests, incorporating gig guides for the arts and music scene, eclectic music selections, highly entertaining interviews with gigging bands, film reviews with Dr Richard Swainson, informed editorial comment on current affairs and lots of classic spontaneous radio moments. The most interesting, challenging and fun drive-time radio in Hamilton.

Cos even Jesus likes a bit of CoC on a Sunday…

Not a religious show although we are fervent about comedy. Sponsored

by The Cook Café and Bar in Ham East this is your hangover cure every Sunday. Wake up and feel the sweet pain of laughter thumping through your dehydrated brain. Lots of NZ content as well as all the best in new and classic international acts. Stand-up, musical comedy, interviews, win free tix to local comedy gigs, includes offensive content. Something for everyone really!

Sunday March 8 is Church of Comedy’s first birthday and we’re hosting a free live-to-air gig featuring Jan Maree and Andre King, from 12-2pm in the courtyard outside the Contact studio giveaways and stuff… All welcome.

Sundays 2-4pm Roots Uprising with

Join Hira on the Roots Uprising every Sunday bringing you those dub and roots hits that you know and love as well as some gold that you may not have heard before. Perfect Sunday arvo show… Listen out for Hira’s special O Week show on Thursday from 4-8pm…

Sundays 6-8pm Manda’s Mixtape with

Nik is an experienced dj with many years of radio under his belt, both in NZ and overseas. His Friday night show features the best in local and international house music, interviews, giveaways and a gig guide. Tune in and let Nik and new newsboy Matty M amp you up for your night out…

Manda’s mixtape is a delicious radio show gracing your Waikato airwaves every Sunday night from 6-8 on Contact 88.1 FM. I play all the very best NZ music that our fine country has to offer with a few random international acts in there as well - not many, but they’ll be there... So look out for those hotties!

I’ll also provide your delicate ears with a weekly gig guide so you know what treats are on offer around town.

ISSUE 1 - 2 March 2009

any question or queries email news@nexus-npl.co.nz

“Section 92 legislation restrains and penalises anybody who wants to access any artist’s work through the internet without consent from the copyright owner”

Copyright law goes wrong Mega-idiocy delayed by mass protest

By Grant Burns Thanks to consistent and effective protest, New Zealand internet users have skipped the gallows until at least March 27. ‘Black-out’ protests have been staged by internet groups all week in retaliation to the government’s proposed Section 92 of the Copyright Amendment Act which overrides a basic concept of law and order: presumption of innocence until proven guilty by a court of law.

Section 92 of the Copyright Amendment Act assumes ‘guilt upon accusation’ and requires ISPs (Internet Service Providers) to shut down internet connections and/or websites without evidence or reliable proof, without a fair trail, and without appeals for those victims who are accused of copyright infringement.

What makes this law even more unfair is that it applies to any one or place that has access to the internet, including universities, businesses, schools, libraries, hospitals, etc. “A “copyright holder” could, in theory, you kicked off an ISP without having to provide any evidence of an actual infringement.

“Having to [provide evidence] is apparently “impractical” and “ridiculous” in the words of RIANZ chief executive Campbell Smith.

8

What happens when the “you” above is a public library, or a school? Or if the “copyright holder” makes a mistake or a malicious accusation?” ComputerWorld magazine asked.

The idea of copyright is to protect the artist’s creation and intellectual property rights for a limited time before it is opened up to use by the public and institutions. However, the Section 92 legislation restrains and penalises anybody who wants to access any artist’s work through the internet without consent from the copyright owner. “Businesses support the need to protect intellectual property, and we are sympathetic to the significant problems the music, movie and gaming industries face.

However, balance is the key. Protecting one person’s interests at the expense of others is completely inappropriate,” Telecommunications Carriers Forum chief executive Ralph Chivers said.

Nexus asked third year Waikato computer science student and Nexus contributor, Jed Laundry, who also works in the telecommunications industry, what he thinks about Section 92.

“I am definitely against it,” Laundry said.

“The law is very vague and I’m unsure how ISP’s will react to it. The intent of the law is the not the problem though, it is how they are implementing it. It will definitely have an impact; we’re just not sure how big of an impact yet.”

Section 92 was supposed to pass into New Zealand law on Saturday 28th February, but, spurred by online ‘black-out’ protests, the government have chosen to delay and review the legislation. Websites such as creativefreedom.org.nz have been encouraging internet users to black-out their facebook, bebo, myspace, and other online profiles, as well as many other websites, which has generated enough publicity and controversy to make the government reconsider their stance and perhaps change some vague clauses in the legislation.

So, even though the Government may have postponed Section 92 for now, the fight to having it thrown out still is not over. Nexus urges every reader to take part in the ‘blackout’ protests and to continue to support the eradication of this unjust law.

Powhiris and Pool Parties Until the Halls of Residence fuck it all up

By Grant Burns

O’Week officially began on Wednesday 25th for all the new hall and international students as a crowd of over 400 gathered on the campus Marae for a Powhiri and a shortened pool party afterwards. Dignitaries included Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford, Hamilton East National MP David Bennett, as well as all the WSU, who all spoke at the smoothly-run Powhiri.

As the new first years awe-gazed a glimpse of their new life, crowds of parents held desperately to the last of their children’s innocence. Free sausages and giveaways were handed out by student volunteers – for the attendees, the first of many.

By two o’clock the Powhiri, which lasted about 45 minutes, had finished and everyone who had been standing in the sizzling sunlight was eager to take a dip in the campus pool. Hosted by the WSU and ZM 89.8 Radio, the ‘Hall’s Pool Party’ was some what of a burning disappointment. Events were scheduled from 3pm till 4pm including ‘Don’t break the seal’ and ‘Barrel racing’; however, the halls thought it appropriate to schedule floor meetings at 3:30pm. WSU President Ben Daleny was not amused. “It’s disappointing to see that on a hot day students are removed from fun activities,” he said.

Before this cock-up, hundreds of hot, wet, half-naked first years inhabited the pool and began partying like they will for the rest of their

university days. “This is insanely awesome; I’m having the best time of my life,” said Jess, a first year Theatre and Performing Arts Student.

Even though some of the events were cut short, everybody I came across had a wide-eyed grin upon their face, signifying that most were happy with their first taste of tertiary times. “Both events were well attended.

The Powhiri was a great introduction for students to the university and Maori culture. There is a pumping vibe at the pool which is a great platform for the rest of O’Week,” said the WSU President.

So, if you are reading this, then welcome to or welcome back to Waikato University. Be a part of as many O’Week events as you possibly can and remember to have a blast. This is the one week were study is laughed at.

The next water-orientated event is a slip and slide on Friday held at the Village Green.

9

Snubbed student plans to sue University Gratuitous snafu over pulled thesis continues

By Grant Burns and Joshua Drummond A “fed up” Waikato student is looking at suing the University.

Raul Van Leeuwen, the author of a controversial Masters thesis that deals with the Satanic and Neo-Nazi writings of Kerry Bolton, has told Nexus that he is investigating suing the University over the issue.

Van Leeuwen had his MA masters thesis pulled from all academic records without his consent or notification late last year due to a complaint threatening legal action by former National Front secretary Kerry Bolton.

Mr Van Leeuwen is also worried about the bad publicity he has been getting as a result of his thesis being pulled, “There is also a second issue, and that is the damage that is being done to my reputation as an academic and for my future employment prospects. Bolton has repeatedly commented that because the university is taking such a long time to deal with the complaint that Bolton’s complaint has a foundation in truth and thus my scholarship is flawed, that I am conducting a deliberate ‘smear campaign’ against him, and that the thesis itself is part of a Zionist plot against

concerns were raised before his thesis was published, and that it has taken so long for any settlement to be reached. “Because the University has not acted swiftly to deal with the complaint and the resolution has been so long in coming, it has done nothing but encourage this libel of Bolton and his supporters and thus the University of Waikato bears some responsibility for the perpetration of that libel,” Van Leeuwen said.

Mr Van Leeuwen says he is fed up with the way the university has handled the matter, “It is coming up to the six month mark after the initial complaint had been made and enough is enough. The University’s tardiness in dealing with the matter is unconscionable and is prolonging what is becoming an increasingly negative and intensely disagreeable state of affairs.”

him, inferring that I am a Zionist. One example of this claim can be found at http://www. freewebs.com/dreamers-of-the-dark/ which is metatagged “Exposing the Zionist contrived smear-mongering and academic sub-standards at Waikato University”.”

by Waikato University Vice-Chancellor, Professor Roy Crawford, several weeks ago.

University PR released a statement saying “He won’t be making any other comment about what will happen from here until he has read and digested the report.”

Mr Van Leeuwen believes he has been unjustly dealt with, especially in the fact that no

More as it develops. Watch this space.

The University of Waikato has completed a review into thesis debacle, which was received

CLUBS DAY 09 10AM - 2.00PM WEDNESDAY 4 MArCH Find out about sports and cultural clubs, meet some of the people involved and get participating The WSU Village Green

Six week courses starting:

Tuesday 3 March 6.30pm - 7.25pm (Intro Course)

(in front of the new shops)

Thursday 5 March 6.30pm - 7.30pm

We also offer 6 week Pilates matwork, Ceroc Dance, Yoga, Swiss Ball Fitness and Kickboxing courses.

Plus our all new Healthy Back Programme.

Managed by:

uwsport@uleisure.co.nz

10

www.reccentre.co.nz

A Semester

hip hop dance

UW SP ort

Visit our website or come see us for more info.

Large, half-naked men fight viciously in Hamilton Don’t worry, it’s legal.

By Brant Gurns Hamilton has scored big points by securing the ‘New Zealand Heavyweight Fight of the Century’ between David Tua and Shane Cameron at Waikato Stadium on June 6.

Whether or not you are into two half-naked giants slogging each other till near-death, this event means big bucks and big publicity for Hamilton City and it again proves Hamilton is capable of hosting a major sporting event.

Hamilton was able to beat out other contenders such as Auckland, Manakau, and Wellington to grab what looks to be one of the greatest boxing matches ever to be held in New Zealand. The match also coincides on the weekend before the annual Field Days held at Mystery Creek which should see Hamilton City

buzzing with tourists and a lively atmosphere all week.

Hamilton City is beginning to prove itself to the rest of the country that we are more than just a stop off between Auckland and the Bay of Plenty and that we can compensate large crowds and choreograph major events.

Hamilton Mayor Bob Simcock told the Waikato Times, “It’s the same as the V8s. People did not initially think of coming here but elsewhere they run into process problems. They then realise that with Hamilton you also get Auckland and the Bay of Plenty.”

In recent months Waikato Stadium has been showing off its versatility by hosting World Cup Woman’s Soccer, a Warriors rugby league

match, and the Crusty Demons motorcycle extravaganza. The June 6 fight will be another giant notch on the stadiums belt as it constructs a 50 square metre outdoor shelter.

Tickets begin at $60 for the black-tie event which hopes to accumulate an audience of over 15,000.

Giving on the Frontline

Young people help rebuild community rather than destroy it. How about that.

By Grant Burns A new non-profitable charity organisation which aims at rebuilding the community and helping out the less fortunate in tough times has just recently begun in Hamilton. What makes this one different is that it is run entirely by students and young people.

Nexus caught up with the directing manager of Frontline, Jonathan Nesdale, to ask him what Frontline is all about.

“It’s about getting people aged 18-30 together to help out others in the community including those who are sick, elderly, lonely, finically stressed or physically incapable and provide services such as mowing lawns, weeding, washing cars, providing firewood, backyard jobs, etc. But it’s also a social club that meets once a week at 7pm on Thursdays at the Eastside Tavern and goes out for outings and events.”

Frontline participate in “R.A.O.Ks” (Random Acts Of Kindness) which is their phrase for doing a volunteer job once every three weekends to those who request a helping

hand. “Since there are a lot of people out there with problems or who need help, we want to show that there are other people out there in the community who are willing to pitch in and help for free,” says Jonathan.

Frontline have their own logo and clothing and are currently using their own tools and money for resources, but would appreciate donations or equipment from businesses or anybody who could help them out financially. “Because we are just starting out we would appreciate help with equipment and resources...our future goals are to be a registered non-profitable organisation and to have funding for our own transport, equipment, and any other costs involved. Any donations would be greatly appreciated and very helpful.”

Since Frontline has only just begun, they are currently looking for new members who would like to join the social club or volunteers who would just like to help out with the R.A.O.K. If you would like to join, have any queries, or would like Frontline to come help you out with your community/backyard, then

Frontline will be advertising themselves around campus, at supermarkets, and all around Hamilton with monthly pin-ups of upcoming jobs/events, thought provoking quotes, and short stories.

Contact Jonathan: 0272473306 frontlinenz@excite.com www.bebo.com/frontlinenz Or just come along to the Eastside Tavern at 7pm any Thursday night.

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Ordinary event in Dunedin somehow makes news

Written by Salient’s BK Drinkwater and Michael Oliver, with reporting by Heléna de Reus – Critic Dunedin welcomed new students with a spectacular toga parade last Tuesday night. The parade was well-attended by around 2,000 students, 20 members of the local constabulary, and an uncertain number of onlookers, about 100 of whom, in a quaint Southern custom, showered the “freshers” with eggs, water-bombs, rubbish, vomit, and faecal matter instead of the more conventional ticker tape and confetti.

Acting Vice-Chancellor Professor Gareth Jones criticized the festivity’s “degeneration” and “student misbehaviour” while the Otago Daily Times contrasted the event with last year’s parade, which was characterized by comparatively good cheer and hygiene.

A breakdown in communication has been blamed for around 2,000 first years arriving an hour before the parade was due to start. Critic understands a number of University colleges were incorrectly informed of a 6.15pm meeting time while the remainder of colleges were told 7.00pm, which casts a pall over the otherwise steadfast method of

Jones says what occurred was completely unacceptable. “We intend to establish precisely what occurred, how it differed from previous years and what needs to happen to avoid any repetition,” he says, ignoring the fact that a bunch of douchebags got hammered and did as douchebags do. “Dunedin is a gracious host to its student community and we will be sending a clear message to those responsible that this behaviour is totally unacceptable. It is too early to say what form that ‘message’ will take,” but users could expect an additional notification on Facebook in the coming days.

This year’s media coverage ridiculously focused on negative aspects of the parade. The Australian news media labelled the extravaganza “a toga party that even the Romans would have been ashamed of,” ignoring virtually everything known about Roman culture.

Dunedin City Councillors Dave Cull and Chris Staynes were interrupted during a wine tasting above Munslows Fine Wines and came out to

organising things on Facebook. OUSA President Edwin Darlow attributed the chaos to “non-participants” who lined the streets and balconies of the flats above George Street, confused by the fact that people lined the streets to see a parade in Dunedin.

Acting Vice-Chancellor Professor Gareth Jones blamed “several factors which resulted in the parade’s degeneration and led to subsequent student misbehaviour: fine weather after several rainy days, confusion over the parade’s start time, and harassment by non-parade participants.” Sunny weather, of course, recognised as the leading cause of hijinks.

survey the carnage caused by frolicking toga wearers and bystanders.

The ODT described Cull as “furious” and he questioned the behaviour of students and bystanders in what can only really be described as a pornographic orgy of excess the likes of which can only be conveyed by two blonde “actresses” named Ashley and Tiffany: “Why should we tolerate this here? I don’t think there would be anywhere that this would be tolerated…(with the exception, of course, of Dune—oh, wait) why should we allow people to throw eggs and litter down our main street and then expect the city to pay to clean it up?”

NEtbaLL t SoCCER t VoLLEYbaLL

Starts Soon Enter online at asbsocialsport.co.nz or at the Rec Centre

Social Sport

Register your team today First Game Soccer

8 March

Volleyball 10 March Netball

12 March

League 1 Entries Close 5 March Managed by

12

You Choose Competitive or Social Grade

Indoor

East Hamilton Police Burglary Report 16th - 22nd February 2009

“It’s great news to report that burglaries have continued to decrease since last year, hopefully they will continue to stay that way.”

Welcome to the Waikato University and also a warm welcome to your new home, Hamilton City.

Each week I will produce a crime report in the Nexus magazine .This information is designed to help and make you aware of the burglaries that are occurring in and around the University area and your student flats.

Last week six burglaries occurred in the Hamilton East and rural areas.

Their locations are shown on the map.

It’s great news to report that burglaries have continued to decrease since last year, hopefully they will continue to stay that way. With your help, by locking up your student flats and reporting any suspicious activity to Police will be a contributing factor.

When I visit most burglary victims and studied their locations, I have noticed a very similar pattern. Ninety percent of the houses / flats are being broken into by offenders via the laundry, bedroom or office

windows. This is either by jemmying open the doors / windows or smash the glass.

Once the offenders are inside your flat, they are mostly targeting T.V, Laptops, iPods, Console Games, Jewellery and Cash. If you any of these items, please be aware that you could be a victim.

Do you have contents insurance? If not it’s worthwhile thinking about getting it and sharing the cost with your flatmates Information on how to protect your home is available from the East Hamilton Community Policing Centre on Clyde St. If you have any information that might help Police with these burglaries please contact the University Constable, Nick Sickelmore. Nicholas.

Sickelmore@police.govt.nz

THE PARTY’S AT OUR PLACE

Celebrate big savings at Liquor King Liquor King Hillcrest Cnr of Clyde & York Sts, Hamilton.

Waikato Draught 15 pk 330ml btls

Smirnoff Red Vodka 1L & Red Bull 4 pk 250ml cans

$15.99

$32.99

Don’t forget to bring in your Student Card!

Only available at Liquor King Hillcrest. Valid until 8th March 2009. While stocks last. We reserve the right to limit quantities.

Trade not supplied. All major credit cards accepted. Excludes all other promotions & discounts.

Monday-Wednesday open till 10pm and Thursday-Saturday until 11pm

YORK

ST E ST PAGE CLYD PL

0800 455 347 13

SEND LETTERS TO nexus@waikato.ac.nz

You’re so right it’s scary Dear Editor Don’t you think it is time for a gossip column full of Blind Items, ala Bridget Saunders or one of those other Auckland ladies masquerading as journalists who’ve had a lot of plastic surgery? You could kick it off with “which shiny MP has moved on from shagging local journalists to shagging just any slapper he can get his hands on?”

Or maybe not, I don’t know. It could be too controversial. Do you like our new prime minister? I think he looks a little like a penis.

Maybe his ties are too tight, they’re kind of swelling his head up like a knob. Oh god I’m so tired.

Good luck for the recession. Maybe you should try working for the government? Contrary to what National likes to tell people, the public sector actually swells every time they’re in power. Under Helengrad, we had the least public servants per head of population that we have had in, like, ages. Like, since yonks ago when that Muldoony guy was still drunk.

Yours faithfully, Concerned Aquarius who is absolutely NOT Kahu.

Damn, damn straight.

Dear Nexus I’m sick of governments claiming religion this and religion that. John Key claimed to not have been a believer of God (as did Aunty Helen) but is still quite happy to go on LifeFM and say how excellent it is. FOX news attacks Barack Obama and calls him un-Christian because of his “socialist” policies. Jesus was a fucking

socialist you redneck bastards! To use Jesus and his awesome “let’s all be friends for crying out loud” teachings in order to bash gays, liberals and whatever group you want by calling them anti-American and anti-God is absolute stupidity.

AgonyArt

Editor of bitter rival student publication succumbs to stress, shapeshifters Dear Josh I can’t write much. I am being followed. The Reptilian shapeshifters are after me!

Don’t worry I have put them off your scent by leaving ritually sacrificed chickens stuffed with M & Ms on the river banks of the mighty Waikato river.

Shit. I can hear them.

Good luck with Nexus, I hear Waikato students are all fucktards anyway.

SHITFUCKswlfg’dkjfsga’;dfb’;bfd’;fgr e rggerw This letter was sent from the email address of Salient Editor Jackson Wood, who is notorious for late-night near-deadline P binges. Which explains much – Ed.

A Letter from Bucklame Dear Nexus (?), We here at Craccum were a little unsure what you were when we first heard of you. Are you a magazine? Your paper’s so cheap! It’s sort of like a blog on paper. To call you the ‘David Farrar’ of student publications would be unfair to Debate. You are more like the Ian Wishart smutty student rags. You publish a column called “Boganology 101,” and your last page is full of boobs. All this without mentioning that you come from Hamilton, where you can get

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $20 BOOK VOUCHER FROM BENNETTS WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP!

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Letter of the Week wins a $20 Bennett’s voucher – except for next week’s Letter of the Week, which will win a $50 voucher!

TXTS TO THE EDITOR! Nexus now has a non-new TXT-in service!

Send Letters to the Editor - via text - to 021 235 8436. They can be about anything – but if it’s something in the magazine, so much the better. We’ll print the best ones, so get texting! Texts should include a name to attribute them to. Text of the week wins a mystery prize! (Oh yeah, and if you win? Come in and claim it at the office) Don’t forget: You can send Busted pictures in by pxt! Send us your best snaps of you or your mates in Busted-type situations to 021 235 8436. Can you do it? Yes you can!

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be kept under 250 words and be received

by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be) but if it’s a serious letter you must use your real name, unless there’s a damn good reason. Send letters to editor@nexusmag. co.nz

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Syphilis by driving town with the windows down on a hot day. I mean, isn’t Waikato a polytech or something? You guys have nice fields – do you play a lot of team games at lunchtime?

In all seriousness, though, we have never read or seen your maga-blog.

Probably it is filled with intelligently written and thought-provoking articles about Rugby and Shepherding, and good on you for being brave enough to publish them. Perhaps one day, we too will have that courage.

Love you Josh, Yours, Craccum This letter is from one of the co-editors of Craccum, a magazine so despoiled with wankery it has actually impregnated several women who inappropriately disposed of it. If you’re in Auckland, make sure Craccum never gets near your genital region – Ed.

Letter from Auckland, #2.

Dear Joshua Drummond, I saw you once, walking along the footpath. I knew you were The One because of the way my sweaty man-meat sprang rigidly to attention, saluting you silently in the depths of my tweeds. I saw you again, two weeks later, rooting through your leather satchel for your house keys. As I gripped my purple helmeted yoghurt slinger in my eager hands, I could hear the faint strains of I Touch Myself blasting from your headphones, and I too touched myself as you disappeared deep into the shadows of your humble abode. Two nights I slept there, two long sleepless nights as I shivered in the dewy moistness of your lawn.

On the third night, a passing farmer saw me whimpering under your window. He strode purposefully over; at first I thought he wanted to help unite us. But as he unbuckled his muddy jeans I realised that this was not what he had in mind. As he plunged roughly and recklessly into my Benjamin Button, I screamed your name. I hope you heard. I think you did.

Yours, Craccum This letter is almost certainly a true story, the likes of which can be read in Craccum’s fan-non-fiction letters section, the “CracCUM Forum.” And I’m not The One. Barack Obama is. Mm – Ed.

wired.com.

Dear Nexus.

I was sitting in my huge leather armchair watching telly, and thinking how marvelous it would be to be a student. How fantastic and different my life would be. To go beyond human. To be a man-book, a learned person. Look at me: I am studiousness, I am recreational druge use, I am APA formatting! I am the student... homo-academius! My car is made from lightweight aluminium and protects me by collapsing! I am student. I hate being bored, and I can write essays! I am the student, a huge developing brain travelling at 5,000 miles per hour. Student, learner... I am the universe, I am the brilliant man. To conclude, please raise student union rates. Sincerely, Vincent

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25/2/09 3:51:19 PM

Vitamin C’s Guide

To Getting Free Stuff O’ver O’week.

Hang around large groups of people. Usually, where there are people there is something to be gained (Anthropology 101).

Talk to the Christians. Pretend to join their religion in return for free things. You’ll walk out with a free Bible, if nothing else (Divinity 101) Enter everything! Entering the widest variety of markets offers a comprehensive risk management strategy. (Finance 101) There are prizes for all sorts of stuff, including being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and: The Dominos pizza eating contest on Monday is great for a free lunch. (Rogernomics 101) You don’t have to be competitive anyway: who cares what the crowd of people think? They are all standing in a sweaty crowd and you are in front somewhere, leisurely munching on a tasty snack.

After lunch on Monday and Friday, ZM Distraction is very good for cash and other prizes; in fact last year I entered whatever it was ZM were putting on at the last minute when someone didn’t turn up and came away with a $40 pair of underpants, amongst other things. I am still wearing them to this day. Snug, with just the right amount of freedom.

The Burgerfuel Body Painting on Friday is a great place to see people’s rudie bits for free. Or you could enter it, and get some free exhibitionism and Burgerfuel. Either way, all those deposits in the spank bank tend to generate a lot of interest. There are free cash prizes for the proletariat! (Marxism 101) Say yes to everyone who has something to give you. Take all the vouchers and rollup posters you can find. Then sit down at night and sift through it all, and find all the good shit. Take the rest of it back the next day. Sign up to all the banks! Having five different branches all juggling student loan details between each other trying to work out what’s going on should be enough to make them back off next year. Also, even if you get nothing free after all of that, you are at least costing someone else money, making you relatively richer (Economics 101).

Go to all the free concerts and screenings! This is an awesome deal, and you should go even if you wouldn’t normally spend money on it.

Go hang out, score some free beer, and make some new friends. Free social capital. (Post-Marxism 401 graduate paper) Carry a camera with you at all times. Capture a friend or loved-one’s dignity on film and prostitute it to the Busted! pages of Nexus in exchange for delicious alchoholic resources (see competition in O’week Guide for details.) Use resources to rob friends/loved-ones of dignity.

Capture on camera. Repeat the cycle infinitely. (History 101) 17

Art Focker, he of Agony Art fame, went to Parachute, courtesy of a press pass obtained by Nexus. This was the first problem. Then he screwed about for the best part of a month, until writing the bulk of this story after being up until 6 am the previous night at Bar 101 and moving furniture in the morning.

That was the second problem. This (true) story is the result. I have a feeling we won’t be invited back to Parachute…

Editor Josh, in his infinite wisdom, decided to send two men who resembled Jesus to a Christian music festival. I was classic Jesus, brown beard, big nose and a thing for wine. Dangerous played the part of Mormon Jesus, with beautiful blonde hair, blue eyes and heaps of wives.

Add to this the fact that we chain smoke, stare at girls for a little too long when walking through crowds and our penchant for being complete dicks to everyone and everything we get near to and we were well prepared for Parachute Festival 09, right here in the sunny Waikato.

Mystery Creek, if you want to be anal about its actual location. But what do you care? If you can get to the end of this article without being cross, you’ll probably never go to Parachute anyways.

Ah, Parachute Festival. The very name conjures up an image of a mass of Christian teenagers behaving appropriately, getting high on Jesus and Coca-Cola while listening to bands no one has ever heard of.

To others, Parachute might produce an image of repressed teenage sexuality flowering into a wall of unprotected stupidity, fuelled by first time drinking and slutty clothes. Parachute is well known for emptying the Waikato region of the ‘morning after pill’ in the days following the festival.

There is no one way to talk about Parachute Festival, the largest multiday Christian music festival outside of America. There are self-righteous, annoying Christians and there are bug-eyed teenagers experimenting with LSD. Me and Dangerous know. Me and Dangerous were there.

People are listening to bands no one has ever heard of, while wearing shirts for even more obscure bands. Bands like Family Force Five, Casting Crowns, Fly by Wire and the like were headlining the festival. Dave Dobbyn was also at Parachute, but I can honestly say “Whoop-De fucking doo!” Is there a major band or musical event he isn’t involved with? Half of the songs on that Nature’s Best compilation have him in them. I’m twenty five and I’m over Dave Dobbyn. There, I said it. I couldn’t be less interested in him or his safe, family guitar music. It’s the 21st Century, Dave Dobbyn. Have a sit down. Some people call his music iconic. You know what else is iconic? The Swastika. Just because something is iconic, doesn’t mean it’s good.

Not having heard of any of the bands we could actually find in the crowds sort of retarded our desire to go see any of the music. We saw a performance by Family Force Five, a redneck electro-rock band who wore

pants so tight we could see their diddles. A Hamilton punk band called All Left Out were pretty sweet and were one of the few bands I’ve ever seen to sound the same on TV as they do on stage. Good work, All Left Out. I saw a few amateur bands at the Debut Stage. This is the stage where bands who have never played at Parachute have to come and prove they’re good, in front of tiny crowds and crappy sound systems. Some youth group band from the far north was murdering an MxPx classic when I decided to walk away smirking. I don’t remember the song having as many chords, versus and missed notes as this band were using. If only I could recall the band’s name, I could fully express to you just how monumentally shit they were and warn you against ever paying money or time to see them. The lead guitarist was playing out of time and was tuned to drop-h or some shit. I decided that I had to go get seriously fucked up to get that noise out of my head. Also, when Dangerous and I met the drummer a few hours later, he was a total dickhead.

Most people we approached for interviews asked us the same damn question: “Are you from Soul Purpose?” We weren’t sure what Soul Purpose was, but apparently more people read it than read Nexus, so it must be good. Turned out Soul Purpose is a happy-clappy Christian publication that features pages and pages of the faux-cultural pap that passes for Christian Contemporary Culture these days. They’re lovely and down with the kids and run earnest articles about the dangers of masturbation (God doesn’t dig it) and kissing before marriage (God doesn’t dig it.) Apparently this kind of stuff is normal amongst the drones who frequent Parachute.

While exploring Parachute we couldn’t help but notice some of the unChristian prices of items. Six dollars for a hot dog? “Piss off,” was our reply.

Now, for some reason, me and Dangerous went and left all our drugs and alcohol at home. Well, in the car at least, which was a good forty minute walk from our tent through ridiculous heat. We decided early on to not drink or do any drugs, as we would quite clearly stick out like sore thumbs in this ultra-conservative and ultra-religious crowd. Even smoking seemed to somehow be a sin against all things Parachuterelated. At one point, while having a cigarette or ten outside of our tent, some people began discussing us and our disgusting habits.

“When security showed up to disperse the violence, three hundred teens chanted “Kill! Kill!” for ten minutes and threw shit around in a Mexican Wave until the security just went away” 19

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Parachute might produce an image of repressed teenage sexuality flowering into a wall of unprotected stupidity, fuelled by first time drinking and slutty clothes.â&#x20AC;?

“Are you even allowed to smoke at Parachute?”

“I didn’t think you were, dear” “I’m pretty sure I smelled something that wasn’t tobacco last night” “Some of this roll your own tobacco can smell like marijuana”

table, wearing a pink cape and screaming at an arena of young people from Palmerston North. The arena, being formed by a huge circle of teenagers, was the chosen battleground for piggy back fights. It doesn’t sound like that much of a wild time, but when you add the screaming,

There you are. Roll your own cigarettes smell like weed. This is something neither Dangerous nor I knew, but middle-aged Christians know it, so now we do too.

A few minutes after this bizarre over-heard conversation, we were visited by security for a “random ticket check”. These Christian parents next door had actually contacted security regarding us. What they got was an eavesdropping opportunity of their own. It turned out that the security guard who came to visit was a law student at Waikato, a Nexus fan and thought Agony Art was hilarious. Security Guy told us of his adventures at Parachute. In the hour or so before he’d been called over to our tent, he had seen two girls hooking up all over their tent and been forced to stop them before they fucked. Security Guy had seen teenaged girls, topless, getting rubbed down by others. He’d seen a lot of stuff that doesn’t make it into the press releases.

Obviously I and Dangerous were not seeing this dark underbelly of Parachute, the one imagined by the parents camping next to us and witnessed by Security Guy. We hadn’t smelled any weed. We had seen no boobs. There were no lezzers close to us at all. We decided to look harder. Much harder.

Still angry at our lack of quality time with teenaged Christian breasts and just plain pissed off that our cigarettes didn’t smell like pot, we stormed off into the night, eager to see something dirty.

On our second night there, we met this guy. We’ll call him Nick Caesar.

He was tripping balls on acid and started smoking all my cigarettes as soon as we met him. He was sitting on a seat on top of a picnic

bug eyed proto-Caesar and some table legs as weapons, shit starts getting a little loose. When security showed up to disperse the violence, three hundred teens chanted “Kill! Kill!” for ten minutes and threw shit around in a Mexican Wave until the security just went away. Almost an hour went by until the piggy back fights had dissolved into something resembling a drunken brawl, only without the drinking. A guy in a Slipknot shirt was wrestling some guy in a Parachute shirt to the ground AND PUNCHING HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD while the crowd chanted kill when a larger group of security guards turned up and shut the whole thing down. While the crowd dispersed, Nick Caesar screamed: “Die for me!” at them. We were well entertained.

After this amazing spectacle things got boring again. We wandered around with Caesar for a few more hours until he started to come down from his trip and became a bit of a drag. We didn’t really do much at all after seeing people beating each other with chair legs and fists.

We met Bill English right after he’d defended the actions of the Exclusive Brethren during election season. We talked to a promotions guy from the Edge radio station who seemed to be in denial about Parachute even being Christian at all. We smoked six packs of cigarettes in three days.

We decided to never go to Parachute again.

It wasn’t that Parachute had some of the worst music I’ve heard and it wasn’t the intense, ceaseless heat and dust. It wasn’t the criminally over-priced food and drink or the arrogant, judgemental Christianity we experienced. Actually, I tell a lie. It was all of these things.

21

How apt of Neil Young to finish his last ever set in New Zealand and round off the 2009 Big Day Out with a mesmerizing rendition

A Bullet for my Valentine; from Cambridgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s finest The Datsuns, to regurgitated drum and bass band The Prodigy: Big Day Out 2009 catered

of A Day in the Life by The Beatles.

efficiently for all musical tastes.

For the first time in Big Day Out history the crowd for the headline act stood completely stoned dead; fixated upon a man who seemed as though he was born with a guitar in his hands.

Thankfully this year was a non-sell out crowd which created short lines for everything, made moving achievable, and kept poser fans to a minimum. The cross-section of the crowd consisted of a wide variety; from young Ting-Ting loving teenyboppers to old school and old skinned classic rock â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; roll fans.

Watching the old man tear up the classics on his gallant axe, I thought back upon the whole dayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s events gone by. From the humble openers Autozamn, to the surprising heaviness (given their emo-sounding name)

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The sun blazed heavily during the course of the day, while all the bogans and I watched former-System front man and Big Day Out veteran Serj Tankian rock out a politically charged set and rev up the crowd.

As day became night, the bands kept getting better. English lads the Arctic Monkeys raised the standard while The Dropkick Murphyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s had a smashing set on the Green Stage. But, for any wide-genre listening fan the headline spot was hardest to choose from. On the main stage rock veteran Neil Young, on the Green stage another of Mike Pattonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s spectacular side projects with the drummer from Slayer, Fantomas, or The Prodigy in the sweltering boiler room. In the end my rock â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; roll nipple-antennae took me to Neil, but nevertheless all three main acts gave awesome performances with everyone I spoke to being well satisfied.

As I awoke back in the present tense, Neil Young was ferociously pulling apart his guitar to the sound of ear-splitting psychedelic feedback. After the instrumental sacrifices, arms raised triumphantly, Neil Young left the stage forever. Gazing around the awe-stricken crowd I knew I had witnessed two things never to be seen in New Zealand again: Neil Young live and the Beatles covered so bloody well.

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24/2/09 10:13:37 AM

President’s Welcome

By WSU President Ben (Pene) Delaney Knock knock……

Who’s there…….

WSU-with the ASB Orientation (so why aren’t you?)

Roll up extended family members to what is sure to be a bumper year of o-week happenings. This year we have endeavoured to make your O’week a memorable one.

An example of this is the added investment we you WSU have made in you the students by making almost all of it Free (Comedy night is $5 entry). That’s right, free, so make sure you get into it.

Things to know about the free stuff • Want a T-shirt? Good! This year shirts are only available by participating in an O-week event or activity itself.

• As well as T-shirts we have heaps of prizes to give away for free • Exclusive competitions may also be won if you connect with us using Facebook or Bebo pages (It’s where you will find O-week pictures, as well as in Nexus).

• Free stuff may also be received just for being a part of an event or activity – this includes just watching.

So why are we giving you free stuff?

The number one reason that the WSU exists is to support you.

Our job is to make sure that your academic and pastoral needs are being met by the university. This means that as your President I sit on the University Council and a variety of other committees to make sure that when the important decisions are going down, that you guys and gals get taken into consideration. Your Vice Presidents also sit on a lot

Te mihi tua tahi ki tatou nei kaihanga. Te mihi tuarua ki te kingi Maori; Te Arikinui Kingi Tuheitia me tona whanau ariki, rire rire hou paimarire. E nga mate haere atu ra ki te wahingaro. Huri noa ki te ao marama.

Ko Taranaki, Hikurangi, Maungapohatu oku maunga.

Ko Aotea, Nukutere, Mataatua oku waka.

Ko Ngati Ruanui, Ngati Porou, Tuhoe oku iwi.

Ko Taiporohenui, Tinatoka, Waikirikiri oku marae.

of committees which helps expand the student influence even further.

The beauty of being the WSU means that we have our “fingers in many pies” around the university, while many of the university departments only know what’s going on in their part of the campus.

Now for the part that deals with you freaking out. Let’s say that you are having some difficulty with your lecturer; or you run into a little problem with plagiarism (it’s a scary thing, and not ideal, but this will happen to some of you first years); or you get sick and miss an exam or your last compulsory assignment. To help you we have the WSU Advocacy service.

What kind of anything I hear you ask? Well aside from the stuff that I’ve already mentioned, there is financial assistance available as well. That’s right people… when you are desperate and there seems like there is nowhere else to turn, come and see the WSU when you turned down by Studylink for assistance with your bond payments; or when you’ve paid all your bills and your car breaks down and you can’t get to uni; or when you have a huge assignment or exam etc – nau mai haere mai whanau, we are here to help.

I will attempt to end this thing with a joke Why did the academic die crossing the road ………

It was all good in theory Pene President@wsu.org.nz

Ko Whetu Taukamo toku ingoa.

Tena koutou nga tauira katoa i te Whare Wananga o Waikato.

If you are a new student to Waikato uni… naumai haere mai. If you are a returning student…naumai hoki mai to the next chapter in your educational adventure. As mentioned earlier I am Whetu Taukamo and this year I am your WSU Vice President Maori. My role

includes representing student’s voice - with a particular focus on Maori student issues.

In the following editions of Nexus I will give you the low down of my role and related activities. But, for now enjoy the warm weather, the atmosphere of O’week and your first week of classes. I urge all students to go hard and be determined to accomplish the academic goals you have set yourself.

Torou Hawaiki (May the force be with you)

25

Event Recap

In The Beginning….

The Waikato Students’ Union year kicked off on the 12th of January, which was for many of you was about the time that you rolled over so that you didn’t get sun burnt. Some of you, however, were already a week into the Uni year with summer school.

Our first Board Meeting was held on the 20 of January in preparation of the Board going to New Zealand Union of Student Associations’ (NZUSA) conference in Wellington. NZUSA are the national voice for all students, at conference we came to a consensus as to what student issues need to be raised on a National level. NZUSA also sit on some high profile boards ensuring that the student voice is heard at the highest level, much the same as some of your Wiakato Students’ Union Directors sit on University of Waikato Committees.

The conference is also the opportunity to network with other student associations to see how we can all help each other. We also ensured that the WSU had representation at each of the workshops which ranged from Pro-Feminism to International Students. The WSU also dominated at the closing plenary where all of the Student bodies vote on motions which set the direction for NZUSA for 2009.

How to get Clubbed

Upcoming Events

My name is Deni and this year I am your Affiliated Clubs’ Director. Affiliated Clubs is a new portfolio we created this year in order to specifically cater for the need to encourage and establish greater student club dialogue and representation between students, WSU Clubs, and the WSU Board.

A large number of you, as students, are members of clubs on campus – whether they vclubs (e.g. Muslim Club), or sports clubs (e.g.

Demon Skateboard Club or Rugby Club), or any other club. My position this year will be to help with you with any concern you may have in regard to your club; from your club needs, to sourcing funding, and to keeping you updated on what is happening around campus – so both you and other students will know what is going on.

Joining or starting your own WSU Club is a great way to meet other like-minded people while you study at Waikato Uni. Get involved, have fun, and study hard. If you have any questions, please get in touch with me – don’t be afraid to ask.

Deni Tokunai E: djt18@students.waikato.ac.nz Ph: 0273186854

This year at the New Zealand Union of Student Associations (NZUSA) conference held in Wellington a stand alone conference was held for all of the sons of Adam. From that conference the Male Education Network (MEN) emerged. The role of M.E.N is to provide a network for our fellow brethren (not the kind that interfere with politics) who are furthering their knowledge at the various Universities, Poly and Institutes of Techs with relevant information and contacts to assist in their studies.

As such in the strategic planning session in the War Room… OK, for the PC brigade it was just a room but I like the sound of having a War Room and I’m writing this so get over it.

It was decided to launch a Nationwide Male Advocates for Sexual Health (M.A.S.H) campaign that will occur on all of the campuses of NZUSA members. Last year we ran a M.A.S.H campaign here at Waikato and I’m sure that some students are still having nightmares about the Chlamydia Triangle. But this year it’s back and going to be bigger not something that you would normal always want when thinking about a sexual health issues…

So be warned; on April 1, M.A.S.H is Coming!

By Deni Tokunai

26

The M.E.N are coming….

WSU Service Spotlight The WSU has a FREE Advocacy Service YAY!!!! But what does this mean?

Hardship is: When you have no money AND your situation is • Temporary or unusual (Tangi, rent arrears cos flatmates did a runner) • Unforeseen • So bad your study could be threatened…

The WSU can support with • Loans • Partial Grants/loans (if you are not in a position to pay the whole amount off) • Food vouchers • And so much more – you just need to talk to us • This fund is available once a year for each student Advocacy is: • Problems with lecturers, tutors, papers, • Issues with StudyLink, and processes • Advice and support at Disciplinary meetings for plagiarism • Options about any issues you are having trouble with.

The WSU can support with • Making sure that the university follows the processes and you are treated fairly

Student Questions • Act as a liaison between you and the university, StudyLink and any organisation or place that you might need help with

What is the WSU?

This question comes up every year and so I WSU has two awesome advocates in the service. They are available to take emails, phone calls and face to face meetings.

Shannon Kelly has been running the service for 2 years and is our resident Advocacy Ninja.

She can pretty much take care of anything you need help with and if she doesn’t know she will always find the answer for you. Shannon specialises in undergrad plagiarism cases and disciplinary processes and hearings.

Moira Neho is our new advocate in the service.

She has been doing high-level advocacy within the University for the last couple of years, and is pretty good at all post-grad issues. Moira is awesome at supporting students through the complaint process and is a very effective negotiator. Her involvement with the University in the past means she can advise you on a number of things that may come up for you while studying, We’re here for you so don’t be afraid to ask for help. All the best for 2009!

thought that as an introduction to what you will have to do at University I will give you a very brief explanation, you can then research further information yourself. This will both help the information to “sink” in and also assist you with finding information that is relevant for you.

The Waikato Students’ Union (WSU) is YOU! Everyone who enrols to do a paper at the University of Waikato becomes a member. The WSU holds elections each year for a group to represent and run the organisation, called the Board of Directors. This year’s Board were elected towards the end of 2008 to represent you for 2009 and control and administer the affairs of the association. This includes sitting on various University boards and committees to ensure that the student voice is heard.

Directors are allocated portfolios that represent a variety of University groups.

For more information on what the WSU does for you, you can check out the Student Diary, or the WSU website at www.wsu.org.org.nz.

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Pene Delaney WSU President president@wsu.org.nz

Glen Delamere Vice President vp@wsu.org.nz

Whetu Taukamo Vice President Maori vpmaori@wsu.org.nz

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RANDOM STUFF Vodafone HOMEGROWN ticket, Wellington waterfront March 14th. General admission.

Similar tickets selling on Trade Me. $140 for a no fuss, quick sale. 0273218025. Hillcrest.

SEND NOTICES TO: nexus@waikato.ac.nz before Wednesday, 5 pm. Placing notices is free for students.

We don’t always have much space, so get in quick! Notices cannot be any more than 75 words. We will not accept handwritten or non-electronic notices or dictation over the phone – that’s stone-age shit. If you (somehow) don’t have access to email or a computer, come into the offices and use one of our computers to type up your notice. Ta. Oh, and we hear that personals ads work terrifyingly well, so give that a go as well – fun for everyone involved.

Green 2 Cool International online student competition Win $1500 For resources, information and useful links relating to eco-eating please visit: Competition ends June 30, 2009, after which the winner will be announced.

For Having the Coolest Eco-eating Social Space! www.Green2Cool.org An opportunity for emerging illustrators/ designers/artists have the chance to get their work produced and displayed at TheNewDowse - on a large scale! Full details attached, and up at www.newdowse.org. nz/hitthewall - entries due in by 15 March.

Open audition night for keen young singers We want fresh voices to join our exceptional singing group. Join Woven; Young Vocal Collective and you’ll be performing music from a wide range of genre, and become part of a creative community infused with artistic energy. Come along to our audition evening 7-9pm on Thursday March 5th at St Pauls Collegiate Music room to have a sing and find out more about Woven.

Email for directions, more info or to show your interest, otherwise see you on the night. e. wovenvocal@gmail.com p. 854 7933 (Brooke) Engineering student to help develop simple prototype, Prefer 3rd year plus but if your on to it you will do. Easy cash to right person Txt Kim on 0272822730 Wanted: anybody with a small puppy (like bichon friese/ shih tzu/ maltese/ pomeranian

etc) to organise puppy play dates at the park.

My poor little puppy needs a little doggy friend to play with sometimes. lb51@waikato.ac.nz.

Would you like help from being Depressed? Abused? Afraid? Tormented?

Suicidal? Sick? Alcoholic? Addict? Obese?

Homosexual (gay, lesbian)? Witch? Satanist?

Brotherhood? Want out of the occult or a cult? Hooked on porno? Dying? Diseased?

Molester? Self-Abuse? Bi-polar? Etc.? Get Saved, then cast out these demons! Contact SuperXtians for more info! We’ll be out and about in O’week! Mayhem. Pranks. Space monkeys, Text 021 356 241 for more info.

A call out to anyone who wants to be involved in the WSU production of The Vagina Monologues.

A general meeting/auditions will be held on Wednesday 11March 2009 1-3pm.Meet in the WSU foyer. For further details contact Anya av18@waikato.ac.nz

FLATS AND MATES Hello. Would you like to live in our flat?

We would like you to live in our flat! Maybe.

We have a flat. It would be yours, if you are correct for us. Are you? Find out! Send your ten word applications to Jamie at 021 910 944.

Our flat is sexy. You can even have sex in it, if you swing that way. Or you can be celibate and celebrate it. Pets are the best. Food can be stored in purpose-built fridge or cooked in purpose-built oven. There is heating for winter, and fire. Pretty, pretty fire. Rent is only $150 a week (negotiable) CALL ON 021 910 944.

(Foreign student much preferred, preferably from Europe or America.)

Studentrent.co.nz The property list for next year is now out!

Visit the accommodation office or www. studentrent.co.nz to view all 150+ listings available. Student Rent is 100% FREE for ALL users. Create your own listing to find a flatmate today!

We are looking for buskers with musical talent, to busk on Sundays at the Hamilton Farmers Market 8am – 12noon.

To book in – contact Kerryn 021 685 719

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BOGANOLOGY author: Burton C Bogan ...”the aging Bogan contemplates a career in another genre, chickens out and instead recruits a new band member with fresh ideas, stealing them all and fobbing them off as his own”

AGONY ART author: Art To the students of Waikato, my beloved cum-magnets: The Apocalypse is well at hand, little ones. Well, perhaps it is. The fact that this column has existed for almost three years with minimal complaints is one of the signs of the downfall of Western civilisation and thus a sign that the end is nigh. Nigh like a motherfucker. In order to hasten its arrival, I need you and your friends to write to me with questions and I shalt answer them, free of charge. Also, feel free to complain. You will inevitably be mocked in the public forum.

So continuing on this band analogy to its final destination - what next?

Well after claiming to retire, then coming back to cash in on popular demand (the voices in my head), the aging Bogan contemplates a career in another genre, chickens out and instead recruits a new band member with fresh ideas, stealing them all and fobbing them off as his own. On that note ALL HAIL FESUS CHRIST and a new season of Boganology!

Yeah you’re right, you’re all sick of this column for Bogans and the Bogan-curious but I can’t help the fact that I’m a one trick pony. But we’ve got some new ideas and hopefully by adding a new character it will revitalise the series. I mean come on it worked for all those TV shows? Right? It’s jumping the shark time I’m afraid.

What to call this new band? Who cares what the music sounds like - it’s all in a name. A rose by any other name would smell like sweat. A band name defines you and what you sound like. People will judge based on the name. Elements of a good band name include: Make it short - Us Bogans hate things that are polysyllabic. In fact I kicked my own ass for writing that word. One or two words are a good start. Long band names run you into problems when people start making amusing acronyms. For example Lamb of God (LOG), Children of Bodom (COB) or Payment on Death (POD).

Make it violent and/or powerful - Pantera, Deicide, Berzerker. These make people feel that they are powerful when walking around with your T-shirt on freaking out the establishment. Nobody wants a Metal band called The Limp Wristed Ding-Dongs (or maybe they do). If it isn’t violent or powerful, make some link to religion or mythology for example Lamb of God or Amon Amarth.

Alternatively make it in another language so it doesn’t matter what the hell it means cause most American consumers won’t give a rats ass and will still shell out the clams. For example Dimmu Borgir or Amon Amarth.

Major kudos if you succeed in the Bogan trifecta and have a one worded, powerful name in another language – yay, Rammstein!

Or alternatively you could fail at all three rules hilariously and call yourself The Tony Danza Tap Dancing Extravaganza!

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All questions for Agony Art should go to agonyart@nexusmag. co.nz. Rape.

Dear Agony Art Is watching interracial porn a form of racism? Is it even a natural thing to like?

Simon Rutz First of all, enjoying interracial porn is a natural fetish and a reasonably common one at that. Rap videos are filled with big-ass white girls, while punk and emo videos practically drip with Japanese girls. Interracial porn as a fetish is on a par with enjoying bondage and gangbang porn. This is because, as with most fetishes, we are attracted to it because we are not able to experience it ourselves. When’s the last time you managed to get an Asian girl to go home with you in town? Or tie your girlfriend up with spiked chains and put your giant black penis in her ass? Never? Well, there you go. It’s why we need fetish porn; to help us imagine all those filthy things we can’t do ourselves. Like blowing a load in a girl’s eye and have her smile afterwards.

I am also a firm believer in the fact that there is absolutely nothing wrong with interracial porn. Who can say they don’t enjoy watching an Oriental lady loving a guy “long time”? Or enjoy watching chubby chicas getting some extra meat in their tacos? It’s not racism to enjoy something from a culture other than your own, and that includes tits.

As far as calling interracial porn bigoted goes, it is definitely not racist.

It’s anti-racist. It’s comparable to calling non-Asians who enjoy Chinese takeaways racist. Just because you like something from a culture other than your own does not make it racist. You’ve found an alien society and you want to experience as much of it as possible.

Go and watch all the interracial porn you can get your hands on. The more interracial it is the better. If you manage to find a gangbang with Armenian, Nepalese and Inuit women getting fed the meat-treats of men from Nicaragua, Madagascar and Lethoso, you’re probably going to end up as the secretary general of the motherfucking U.N.

SARCOPHAGUS REX author: Blair Munro What the fuck is Blair Munro on about now?

2009 has thus far been a year for introspection, retrospection, debt collection, and the unfortunate return of Sarcophagus Rex. Back, with tan lines as sharp as his wit, so sharp that you could cut bread with them. They have rebuilt him. Better. Faster. Stronger. They have the technology, but lack the budget. He is Sarcophagus Rex 2.0: The Sixty Dollar Man. Now, those who know me best should be all too aware that I’ve never had too much luck with the ladies. I am of the understanding that now we have pictures that go with our columns, so now you should all be of the understanding why that is exactly. There are a couple of stories, that I’d be happy to tell people in person, if ever you feel the inclination to track me down, such as the Great Tuakau Drive-By, of 2004, and The Whangarei Lemonade Story.

Basically, what I’ve come to realise is, I have the potential to be the world’s greatest dating guru. Given that Pope Benedict has recently endorsed the adoption of my various personality traits as a method of aiding abstinence through repulsion, the path to success with the opposite gender should lie in reacting to a given situation in the exact opposite way I would.

Step one: Think before you speak. This is often a problem for me. A perfect example of this was when a girl asked me if I liked her. What I should have said was “Yes/No (delete one).” What I actually said was “Compared to what?” Needless to say, she didn’t find this half as funny as I did.

Realistically, that’s the only step that anyone needs to know. There are others, and I can probably supply them on request, but thinking before you speak is a biggie. Leave the smart comments to the professionals and the people like me, who have nothing really to lose.

Monks too, because of the whole no sex thing. They’re probably not too worried about saying the wrong thing and offending people. They can curse out anyone they want, without fear of reprisal. If a monk insults a female, so what? It wasn’t like he was trying to get with her anyway. And if he insults a guy, big deal.

Everyone should know Rule One: “Do not act incautiously when confronting little, bald, wrinkly, smiling men.” It will not end well.

GRANNY SMITH’S recession survival tips Hello, poppets! Granny Smith here! A lot of people are struggling with the Recession (or, as some are calling it, Depression 2.0) so I’ve decided to open up my years of wisdom to the students of Waikato University! I’ve put together this guide on making household appliances last longer – pay attention!

MAKING HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS LAST LONGER LIGHT BULBS: To make light bulbs last longer, freeze them for about two hours and then plunge them into boiling water. This will condense the gas, giving up to 20% longer life.

BRILLO PADS: Rubbing old scouring pads in a mixture of talcum powder and lemon juice will revitalise the soap within them.

BATTERIES: Extend the life of batteries by keeping them in a solution of cold tea overnight before use.

ELASTIC BANDS: Perished elastic bands can be renewed by warming them in citric acid (lemon or orange juice).

WASHING UP LIQUID: Make this go further by diluting it, 4 parts washing up liquid to 1 part methylated spirits; you’ll find it even lathers better than before.

SHAMPOO: Adding a teaspoon of sunflower oil to shampoo will make it last longer and give hair a natural, healthy shine.

CANDLES: Candles will burn more slowly if a knob of butter is allowed to soak into the wicks before they are lit.

HOME LAUNDRY IRONING: For sharper creases, iron through a handkerchief soaked in milk. You’ll notice the difference straight away.

TUMBLE DRIERS: A cup of sugar added to the load gives the wash a natural, fresh smell.

WASHING MACHINES: Sprinkling table salt over woollen items will help life dirt that is ingrained into the fibres.

FADED LINEN: Old pillowcases, sheets, and tablecloths can be revitalised if they’re soaked overnight in a sink filled with hot water and rhubarb.

SCORCH MARKS: Light scorch marks can be removed by rubbing treacle or golden syrup into them before washing.

CARING FOR KITCHEN UTENSILS SCISSORS: Sharpen your own scissors by cutting several strips off a piece of coarse sandpaper.

FOOD PROCESSORS: Blending several salted egg yolks once every month will keep the cutting edges clean and sharp.

NON-STICK PANS: All ‘non-stick’ surfaces wear out after a while.

However, a way to renew them until they are replaced is to boil until dry a mixture of cooking oil and instant coffee.

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THE NERDARY author: Jed Laundry

YOUR PHYSICAL EDUCATION author: Kirill

Good [morning,afternoon,evening]. If you’re a fresh-eyed first year, welcome to the uni, try not to get 8 bank accounts this week. If you’re a returning student, welcome back and thanks for continuing to read my

Hello children.

Looks like we are all back at uni. Looks like we are all sitting in lectures and reading this. Interesting.

drivel. If you’re a town skank doing a “gap year” but decided to come to the uni trying to score free stuff... I think we both know what you’re in for. Anyway, a re-introduction. My name is Jed and I’m the Nexus resident geek, throughout the year in this column I’ll have a bunch of stuff somewhat related to technology, or whatever I feel like writing about in my Monday lecture.

You know what other sentence has the words “interesting” and “looks”? Answer: the next one. It is interesting that the looks of people have not improved over the summer. Isn’t that sad? Answer: Yes, it is. I am personally making it my mission to see that by the end of the year everyone on campus is sexy looking and ready for smooching time with me.

So this year, the University Uleisure people gave me a bunch of things and bribed me with countless treasures in order to inform you folks about the sports stuff on campus, the gym and other groovy activities which will make you sweat and get all healthy and sexy. How sexy? As sexy as me. (Also I would like to mention Brooks Deli Salami, Winston Peters and Enron Bonds). I guess someone at the Uleisure centre wants me to get smooch.

So lets get down to some hard facts. How hard? As hard as my abs hard.

There are two things you need to do this week. Take advantage of O-week pricing and join the gym and go to clubs day. No, scratch that, come to clubs day, hang out with Nexus, and then join a sports team.

Unless you are literally made out of money (which I would like to see), you will have already allocated your money to alcohol, food and bribe money. As such you probably aren’t that free to buy gym memberships.

That is exactly why the gym has a discount for gym memberships in O-week, so you can get fit and still bribe Columbian drug lords and buy pies after drinking Nigeria’s yearly allowance for alcohol. If you are prone to bad nutrition, high alcohol consumption or a sedentary lifestyle, I recommend you join...NOW. See the people at the gym, but bring your student ID, or else you’ll have to walk home and get it... like I did...a few times.

But the fun doesn’t stop there (unlike my love for you, which stopped at the second sentence of this column). There will be a Clubs Day on the first week of Uni. It’s on Wednesday. Please do not confuse this with Gang Initiation Day. At Clubs Day, all the cool kids in with their cool sports clubs will come out and try and convert you to their religion.

When you join it will be just like an episode of a high school drama, as you will be a jock from then on. Also, you will be forced to run, socialize, have fun and get fit. Also, unlike joining a gang, there hasn’t been any University Rugby team based stabbings or shankings (that I know of.)

That’s all for this week. I will see you at Clubs Day! (but you may not see me.)

First off, as this is going to print too far into the future to predict the outcome, I’d like to draw your attention to the “Guilt by Accusation law”, section 92a of the Copyright Amendment Act, which basically states that if you are accused of copyright infringement, your ISP may be forced to disconnect you. No Police involvement, no “due process”.

I find it absolutely absurd that the National government, despite their campaign being based on bashing Labour’s “nanny state” policies aren’t killing this law. But, as I said, this goes to print long after it could be decided on, and so the only suggestion I have for you is to Google it and get involved. (After this was written, it was reported that s 92 A was delayed for a month to see if a compromise could be reached – thanks to anyone who got involved. This issue is still hot, so keep an eye out, we’ll be reporting on it – Ed.) Next thing on the list is the Nexus website. Once you kick your sibling off the family computer, or get brave enough to move out and buy a laptop, I strongly suggest you check out http://www.nexusmag.co.nz. It’s free if you use Lightwire’s awesome WiFi service. Hopefully soon we’ll have podcasts and the Busted pages up. This was my first foray into Drupal, and I must say I am mostly impressed with it. There are a few things that they need to do to make it better (full integration of CCK and Views), but it’s otherwise a well-rounded product.

I strongly recommend you check it out because it took me so fucking (oh, yes first years, we’re allowed to say “fuck” in a student magazine) long to sort out browser compatibility issues. As anyone who’s had to hack around Internet Explorer’s bugs will know, Internet Explorer is crap.

The Nexus website will hardly work in IE 6, as anyone still using that 8 year old hunk of crap doesn’t deserve access to the internet. You’re lucky I even spent any time getting it working in IE 7. Get Firefox, or Safari, or Opera. Or even IE 8 when it comes out of Beta. Hooray, Microsoft has finally produced a browser that doesn’t do exactly what you didn’t want it to do.

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SEEING STARS Your horoscope with Luna Goodlove

(21 March – 19 April): You are a ram. You like to ram things. Like people, for example. Find a Capricorn. They like to butt, you like to ram. A lovely partnership. Weird looking kids though. Oh, and watch out for that guy sitting right behind you in ACCT101. He already knows your full name, phone number, and all your hobbies.

(20 January – 18 February): Get it waxed. I can’t say much else. Please, please get it waxed. It’s scaring everyone

Soon he will know your address. Then your sexual history. Then your credit card details. And then… it will begin.

(20 April – 20 May): You’re bull. No, really. You’re full of lies and shenanigans this week. No one should believe anything you say. Which kind of sucks, because if you end up doing something totally awesome, like going offroading through uni grounds or getting laid or juggling balls of fire, no one’s going to believe you. Not that you could do any of that anyway.

(21 May – 20 June): Your good twin will get his revenge this week. You’ve kept him locked away in the attic eating fish heads for far too long. All Geminis have twins. It’s science. Look at Sweet Valley High. Those twins were Geminis. And so are the Olsen twins. Which one of them is evil? I don’t know, and it scares me.

(23 July – 22 August): You are incredibly awesome, Lion Person! Everyone knows it! If people can’t handle it, just give them time. Your awesome aura will soon fill their bodies with a happy glow, much like that post-sex euphoric feeling, only without any sex for them. Which is nicer for you, because they all have the syph.

(23 September – 22 October): I don’t have much to say to you. You’re meant to be named after a set of scales (does that mean you’re fat?), but everyone thinks you’re the tampon brand. No one likes you. But place a personals ad in Nexus and you may discover another equally lonely friend to be your tampon, much like Prince Charles was Camilla’s. No, he seriously said that to her once. Look it up.

(23 August – 22 September): You won’t be a virgin much longer, Virgo! O Week will claim you! But wear a condom, okay? I know you’re one of those so-called “virgins” who gave everything else away first. Trust me, God doesn’t like that any more than your mum does.

(22 November – 21 December): Fling your love arrows into a crowd and see who jumps on you. Then buy them liquids. Then take them out for a steak dinner.

Then they have to sleep with you. They owe you.

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(30 October – 21 November): Did you think you were a Scorpio? Well, you are not. You are an Ophiuchus, a serpent-bearer, so feel free to go cobra hunting in Te Aroha for a pet. You say there are no snakes in New Zealand? Well, you always thought you were a Scorpio, didn’t you? EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG.

(21 June – 22 July): Your star sign symbol looks a bit like a 69 on its side, which makes a lot of sense, because you’re a fantastic sex-machine. But don’t waste your sweet skillz on the plebes hanging out at that slut bar.

Save it for a classy partner. But you’re a crab, so mind you don’t catch them. That would dampen your sexual flame a wee bit.

(19 February – 20 March): Some good fortune lies ahead for you. You’re quite stylish and fashionable, so people will try to make friends with you. Whether or not you can retain these friends is another question. You’re kind of a bitch. I’ll talk to you in a month and see if the masses have declared a fatwah on your head yet. If you live in a Hall of Residence, lock your door (23 October – 29 October): Ahhh, the special true Scorpios. All mysterious and shy. Emo-ish, one might say. Stupid wankers, others may add. The skies tell me that your week will be a mysterious blur, due to over-consumption of a mysterious substance, which mysteriously took away all of your course-related costs money. Textbooks my arse. At least spend some of the money on Nurofen. You’ll need it before that 9am Friday lecture.

(22 December – 19 January): You are a goat. You butt things. A hasty-witted body would say your head and butt were head and horn. Don’t get it? I didn’t think you would. All that butting isn’t good for your thinkmachine. Take a break. Have a Kit-Kat.

DELIVERING TO WAIKATO’S HARDCASE FLATS THE MOST HARDCASE FLAT WILL SCORE FREE WAIKATO DRAUGHT FOR A YEAR The mighty Wakachang is now delivering to Waikato’s most hardcase flats. If your flat measures up when we do our milk run during O’Week, we’ll drop you off a free box. For more details and to register visit www.waikatodraught.co.nz or register with our reps on campus on the 3rd and 5th of March.

Terms and conditions: Free beer for 1 year equates to 52 dozen Waikato Draughts to be delivered in monthly allocations over 12 months to the winner. Judge’s decision is final.

To receive Waikato Draught you must be over 18 yrs of age, identification may be requested. Visit www.waikatodraught.co.nz for more details.

WKD0092_Milk Run_Nexus FP_F.indd1 1

23/1/09 4:36:42 PM

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AUTEUR HOUSE PRESENTS author: Dr Richard Swainson

Michael Curtiz

FILM REVIEW

by Fangclaw86 (c0m3 join my k1an on W0W, l000lzor) My Bloody Valentine

Directed by Patrick Lussier Starring Jensen Ackles and Jaime King

Michael Curtiz is today best remembered for directing “Casablanca”, Hollywood’s most celebrated male melodrama. The film is a magical combination of elements, from the little known, fairly terrible play on which it was based, to a script that was constantly rewritten during production (there was no definite ending until virtually the day on which it was shot), to Max Steiner’s lush, evocative score, to the perfect casting of both charismatic stars (Humphrey Bogart, confirming his status as true leading man after over a decade of low billing; Ingrid Bergman, a Swedish beauty in her first significant American part) and a never bettered group of supporting actors (Claude Rains, Sydney Greenstreet, Peter Lorre, Conrad Veidt, and Dooley Wilson as Sam).

Curtiz had been directing movies for thirty years when he made “Casablanca” and he would go on doing so for another twenty. His career total of 173 films makes him the most prolific of the A-list Golden Age directors.

Hungarian born, Curtiz served his apprenticeship in Europe, directing in Denmark, Germany and Austria as well as his native country. Head hunted by the most significant of the Warner brothers in 1926 he began his long association with the studio toward the end of the silent era, most infamously on the troubled production “Noah’s Ark”, a biblical epic in which several stunt men lost their lives.

A collaboration with Errol Flynn proved productive for both men.

Curtiz made Flynn a star with the granddaddy of all pirate films, 1935’s “Captain Blood”, and the hard living Australian was then cast in a range of roles from both British and American history, including the definitive swashbuckler, “The Adventures of Robin Hood”.

Amongst Curtiz’s more amusing traits were his faulty command of the English language and his sexual proclivities. The former led to the famous pronouncement, “bring on the empty horse”, that gave David Niven a title for his book of Hollywood reminiscence. The latter involved getting a blow job from a script girl every lunchtime, an act of “relaxation” that helped keep the horny Hungarian going for half a century.

17 Michael Curtiz films are available for rental at Auteur House.

Competition! There’s a famous catchphrase from Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca (which, infamously, is never actually uttered in the movie.)

What is it? Send in the answer to comps@nexusmag.co.nz and we’ll draw a winner – who will receive two complimentary new release rentals from Auteur House!

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It’s hard for a horror film to be good anymore. When you’re a kid and you sneak out of bed to watch The Exorcist through the crack in the lounge door, you’ve pretty much been scared enough for your life.

Movies like “Scream” and “I Know What You Did Last Holiday Period” did a good job of slaughtering the horror movie genre by blending snuff with Dawson’s Creek in the 1990’s and now Hollywood seems hard pressed to make anything actually scary. I actually hadn’t seen a horror film in the cinema since the Exorcist prequel, so my expectations weren’t that high when I went to see My Bloody Valentine last week.

I’ll start by saying it’s a delicious change to see a horror film which contains older people, rather than just screaming teenage whores in tiny panties and dumber than mud jocks in muscle shirts. It’s also good to see a vagina in a movie. That’s right, within the first twenty minutes of My Bloody Valentine, you will see vagina. A lady’s vagina. And then she gets gutted and has her heart put into a candy box.

This is finally a horror film which doesn’t mess around with implied violence. It goes straight for the gore and doesn’t just hope you know what’s going on. When a guy gets a pick axe through the back of his head and his eye pops out, you see the whole thing.

Another awesome point about this film is that it’s made to be in 3D. Apparently it’s a remake, but I never saw the original and, while I didn’t see this movie in 3D, I could tell that it would definitely be awesome to see it that way. A lot of things lunge at the screen. Mainly body parts and pick axes.

The story isn’t really that important. Some massacre ten years ago or something, then it happens again or something and everyone thinks it’s the original murderer or something. And it is. Or it isn’t. Or it is again. It’s got some pretty solid twists and leaves you guessing to the end of the film, but if you’re not drunk or screaming into your hands you’ll probably figure it out in the first hour or so.

I give this movie nine stars for scaring the hell out of me, being more gruesome than I’ve seen in a long time and showing complete nudity.

Listings courtesy of Mammoth (mammothguide.co.nz) and Hamilton Community Arts Council

GIG GUIDE Artists, musicians, and gig-promoters of all kinds! Promote your band or event in the Nexus Gig Guide in association with Mammoth, Hamilton’s premiere event listing guide! Simply email gigs@nexusmag.co.nz and make sure you CC to events@mammothmedia.co.nz!

The Collective Presents...

DRUM & BASS + DUB STEP Wicked night of local DJ’s playing a wide selection of tasty tunes for your O-Week out!

Saturday 7th March @ Flow Bar 266 Vic St, Hamilton $5 On the Door Doors open 9pm onwards.

Featuring: Evade (Drum & Bass) Dold (Drum & Bass) Kaon & Tronic (Drum & Bass/Dub Step) Steppa Squad (Dub Step) Aum (Electronica) PECHA KUCHA VOL 3 is on the 10th March and we would be keen to let punters/possible presenters know about it! www.pechakucha.co.nz – if you don’t know what Pecha Kucha is, check it out!

SEE MOTOCADE AT THE FOLLOWING: * Saturday 7th March @ Mighty Mighty, Wellington * Saturday 28th March @ Kings Arms, Auckland w/ the Mots, Cougar Cougar Cougar FUELSET Saturday March 14th - Transmission Room - Auckland - R18

W/ Upraw, Sinate, Just On Fix and More.

- Saturday May 2nd - Oblivion Bar - Auckland - R18 W/ Upraw And Guests TOWER TUTU’S ON TOUR Tower Tutus on Tour is back in 2009 with a performance including both classical and contemporary pieces and provides an affordable opportunity for audiences to see some of the best ballet dancers in New Zealand. A fabulous opportunity for the beginner wanting to get a taste, and the more seasoned ballet attendees to enjoy.

Tue 10 Mar 2009 Cost: $19.50 waged or $15.50 unwaged Time: 7.30pm Where: Founders Theatre, Hamilton, 221 Tristram Street, Hamilton FUNDING WORKSHOP Are you a community group looking for funding? Want to make successful applications? Come to our friendly hands on half day workshop. Workshops cover budgeting for your project, selling your project to a funder, tips on getting prepared and making successful applications. You must register as places are limited.

Tue 03 Mar 2009 Cost: Free Time: 9.30am - 12pm Where: Chartwell Room, Hamilton Gardens Pavilion, Cobham Drive

HAMILTON FILM SOCIETY SCREENING The Hamilton Film Society meets to watch Mauvais Sang/Bad Blood (Dr: Leos Carax, France, 1986). This noir-ish second film from the director of “Lovers of Pont-Neuf” stars the young Juliette Binoche, in a doomed love triangle with Dennis Lavant and Michel Piccoli.

Tue 03 Mar 2009 Cost: Full Year Membership $100. One-off screenings $12.

Time: 8pm Where: Victoria Cinema, 690 Victoria Street, Hamilton THE CATTLE CALL A selection of farm themed artworks from various New Zealand artists.

Wed 18 Feb 2009 - Fri 06 Mar 2009 Cost: Free Time: Hours: Mon - Fri: 9.30am - 5.30pm Sat/Sun: 10am - 4pm Where: Thornton Gallery, 298 Barton Street RIGHT BANK ARTS FESTIVAL The Right Bank Arts Festival is the one day of the year when the Hamilton Gardens turns into a market place for all things arty and crafty.

Browse around an extensive range of stalls by local and national artists.

Sat 28 Feb 2009 Cost: Free Time: 10am-4pm Where: Hamilton Gardens

37

A TOGTY PAR EK O WE MISS

2009

We’ve got a competition for you, O’week Nexus Readers.

You see, we’ve got this photo page called Busted that runs at the back of the magazine every week. It’s a mix of pictures of up-town shenanigans, and pictures taken by yourselves. We thought we’d kick this year’s Busted off with a bang, to celebrate the fact that we’ll soon have a Busted website! (Keep an eye out for details.)

So, for the competition, simply take this giant Busted logo, and either a.) cut it out as a stencil and spraypaint our logo somewhere that is both awesome and legal or b.) rip out the page and do something awesome with it. We don’t care what it is. All we care is that you take a photo of the result, and send it to busted@nexusmag.co.nz by Thursday the 26th of February (make sure you include your real name and contact details, or we can’t give you your prize.)

We’ll publish the most awesomest photos on the Busted page in the next Nexus magazine, as well as on the website. Additionally, the best two photos will net the best two photographers 24 of the purest Steinlager Pure beers. (To win alcohol, you must be 18. We will check.)

Winners announced in Nexus. So get snapping, and get Busted!

On a related note, Nexus is looking for people to take Busted pictures this year. If you’re over 18, preferably female, and regularly enjoy the Hamiltron nightlife, either drop us an email at editor@nexusmag.co.nz or come in to the Nexus office to apply.