issue 15

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

ANSWERS

Natasha Hagan and Lisa Grainger 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Tiny bit/Not much Of course/ Bit scratchy in some places Learnt it in primary school, but haven’t taught anything else People Yes!!

Bella and Gian Perrone

BY ROCKY

QUESTIONS Can you speak any Maori?

1. (B) Yes. Just greetings 2. (G) I can sing both 3. (G+B) It looks better than Latin on the Uni crest.

4. (G) Books?

5. (B) Not at the moment. I have a class at 4 and I have every intention of going.

Can you sing the national anthem in Maori?

What role does the Maori language play in NZ? What would you find in the whare paku?

Are you supposed to be in class right now?

Nicky Haereroa and Manu Barrett 1. N – I can say hello, M – Yup 2. N – No, M – Sure can 3. N – Not very much [of one], M – It’s important but needs to be spoken properly.

4. Both – The toilet 5. N – I’m not, M – Yeah…

Send in yours and you could win a Rialto pass.

This week, Barbara gets a turn.

Q. How does an old women keep her youth?

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

You want to protect your flat – right? But those fancy home-security alarm systems with cameras

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and alarms and 24-hour monitoring are way beyond your, ah, modest budget. Well, take heart!

Here’s another much-simpler approach that even you can afford 1) Go to a 2nd hand store and buy a pair of men’s used work boots. A really big pair.

2) Put them outside your front door, sitting on a copy of New Zealand Guns and Hunting magazine.

3) Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.

4) Leave a note on your front door that says: “Hey Bubba – Big Mike and me have gone to get more ammunition. Back in half an hour. Oh, and don’t disturb the pitbulls – they’ve just been wormed”.

5) Then make yourself a nice, big hot chocolate and relax.

Contributed by Barbara Bushton-Smithton

A. By paying him Q.What do you call a gynaecologist that looks after old age pensioners?

A. A spreader of old wives tails Q Why is being a penis so hard?

A. You have a head but no brains, a couple of nuts are always following you around and your best friend is a c * nt Contributed by R Chatterton

A very elderly gentleman (mid 90s), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid 80s).The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed back in ‘96. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then all the trouble started.

Contributed by Gary Oliver

PARTY REVIEW JR’s 20th

What’s the best part of being a party reviewer for Nexus? Being able to review your own parties and embarrassing your mates, of course! This week due to the lack of parties JR and myself got invited to, we decided to review our own.

The party started early in the afternoon with the buying of a bottle of tequila. After a few shots we all decided to get JR a fat-o-gram. I’m not quite sure what one of these involved but the phone book mysteriously disappeared into the fire after the decision had been made so I never did get to find out.

As the rest of the guests started to arrive the mayhem really started to begin. From the girls making birthday lemonade in the sink (not quite sure if lemonade was a code word for something or not) to one guest ending up in A and E after ‘falling over on a rock’. But you can’t convince me that you need 5 stitches in the back of your head from just ‘falling over’. I think it had something to do with the abundance of cheesecake at the party but that’s just my assumption. The party ended with the noise police talking to one of the attendees over a microphone - actually a really bizarre site.

Anyway Waikato, give me an excuse next week not to review one of my own parties again. Otherwise I just might start gatecrashing some, muhahahaha.

Top three quotes: Attention customers - JR you have a phone call on 856, that’s JR you have a phone call on 856, thank you.

You’ve got great tits flow, great whoppers, one of the Seven Wonders of the world Party Rating: 8/10

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Girls keep breaking up with me It’s never any fun, they say they already have a pussy they don’t need another one

Txt me anytime (after 7am) 0274 279319 and JR and myself will review your party.

CONTENTS

Cover Story Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori

17

Features Waikato Uni and its relationship with Maori

22

News 8-13

Bullshit Bill Marketing Lay-offs on Hold International Student fees to increase Waikato Uni Sports Owns All! Hamilton is creative Staff Pay Rise STA launches new Blueprint for Travel Short Shorts Kim Jong World’s Illest Golfer The Nexus Haiku News

Regulars 04 04 05 07 14 15 26 24 31 33

33 34 34 35

Jerk Jokes I’ve got 5 on it Party Review Editorial Lettuce Opinion WSU columns Gig Guide Notices Chuck and Benjo’s Guide To Society Aerodynamics Engine Talk Word Freak Magic 8 Ball

35 35 36 37 37 38 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 46 47

Muscle Man Tip Killing Time Confessions Boganology 101 Classic Rock Review Comics Uncle Jim’s Kiddies Page Food Citric DVDs Books Films The Player Opal Nera competition Busted

Credits

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

This issue’s cover was created by Anthony Reu. If you are interested in crafting a cover for Nexus, register your interest to graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz. However, Matt’s a picky bastard and will most likely make you change it lots!

Ētita Dawn Tuffery nexus@waikato.ac.nz

Kairīpoata Joshua Drummond news@nexus-npl.co.nz

Kaitātai Matt Scheurich graphics@nexus.npl.co.nz

Music Editors M. Emery htownslut@gmail.com Mo Books Editor Michelle Coursey Sports Editor Gary Oliver

Assistant Designers (aka ‘Bitches’) Ben & Ryan Advertising Manager... (?)

Tony Arkell admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz 0211766180

Main Feature: Renee Rewi, with help from Te Puna Tautoko, Jade Kameta & Michael Akurangi and http://www.nzreo.org.nz.

Contributors this issue: Rocky, David Foote, Jess Wilson, Tovah Reed, Chuck and Benjo, Danielle Thomson, Barbara Bushton Smithton, Mazzy, Tom Turbine, Deanna Foster, El Groado, Carl Watkins, Aaron Ku, Nick Elliot, Boulanger, Skot, Matt, Brie Jessen, Burton C. Bogan, CJ, Nick Chester, M. Emery, Gary Oliver, Uncle Jim, Hazazel, Kazuma Namioka, Leigh McGeady, Joe Citizen, Josh Drummond, ASPA, WSU Nexus: Ka Pai! The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily the views of Nexus Publications 2003 Ltd, any of our advertisers, WSU or APN Media.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

Hard knock life.

It’s tough putting out a 48 page mag each week, more so than anyone realises. Take this production day, for example.

Crazy.

It started off easily enough with a visit from a keen recruit. ‘Great!’ I said. ‘We’re always after new writers.’‘I want to write a column!’ he chirped excitedly. ‘It’s gonna be like, my thoughts on stuff. I’ll write about my Myspace and what shows I like on TV. It’ll be really cool.’

‘We already have quite a few columns,’ I said, carefully. ‘How about features, or news stories?’

‘Well, I could write about cars. It could be called ‘Car Talk’. ‘Um, we kinda have one of those too’ I admitted. He looked sad, his enthusiasm seeping away like a defrosting fridge.

‘I had a cat called Bazza – he died, he died..’

tornado and blew my running shoes into the lake. However, I’m not going back in that lake for at least 6 months, so all I could do was turn on the heater and threaten to thaw out his elbows.

Unfortunately he cursed Waikato with bad weather for 500 years on the way out. But no way was he getting a free ad - it’s the principle of the thing.

you to be calling me derivative? Think you’re the only magazine called Nexus? Think anyone ever reads your stupid editorials? You suck!’

Hot on his cold heels came an ebullient youngster.

‘You’re the date rape guys, right?’ he carolled.

‘No, that was Critic, and it wasn’t – ‘ ‘And you had that injunction thing?’

‘No, that was Salient, we’ve only – ‘ ‘So you’re a student?’

‘No, I’m full ti- ’ ‘Anyway, I’ve written this thing for you to put in the next issue,’ he went on, handing over a wad of napkins covered in spidery script. ‘I haven’t got time to type it up myself, but if you could do it nice like they do in real magazines with good spelling and shit? And maybe you could nip over to Thailand and take a photo to illustrate paragraph 4? Look forward to seeing it.’

Knock, knock.

‘I, er, I, I’ve got a poem for you’ said a little ghost.

‘It goes like this:

‘Hang on,’ I said wearily. ‘That’s blatantly derivative and it was terrible even when it was on the Simpsons. That was the whole idea.’

His face quivered and dissolved into messy, watery tears.

‘It’s art! Who are you to judge my art? Who are

You’d think I’d be safe once out of the office and on the way to deliver the Nexus disk, right? Apparently not. I’m running late, literally, slopping along through the mud in cold bare feet. Suddenly, this lithe lizard-like chap jumps out from behind a tree. ‘Why, hello’ he said, his tongue flicking in and out in a very blue, forked way, ‘Heading off to the This Week office, are we?’

‘Yeah, but how did you - ?’

Without any warning he grabs the USB stick out of my pocket and slithers into a bush. I immediately jump on top of him and writhe around in the mud to get that stick back. No way is he getting away with a whole week’s worth of glorious Nexus files. Eventually, I manage to kick this creature so much his tail falls off. This distracts him for a moment, and I grab the disk from his slimy claw and sprint like the wind, or at least like an exhausted editor with a strained pectineus.

Enjoy your hard-won lecture distraction of a mag. You guys just don’t know what we go through up here.

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

I got down to editing the feature, when along comes a dishevelled old guy with icicles hanging from his elbows. ‘I’m Old Man Winter’ he said, in an eerie voice that froze the water cooler from 15 feet away. ‘I want an ad’. He held up a

full page colour effort promoting a hurricane.

‘That’ll be $1100, thanks,’ I said cheerfully. ‘I want it for free!’ he shouted. ‘I’m a student here - who do you think’s paying your wages?’ ‘Er, our advertising.’ I replied. This really pissed him off, and he made it POUR down outside, bucketing torrential rain. ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Maybe do a notice or something?’ With that, he created a fierce

MONDAY, 24 JULY 2006

COMPILED BY JOSH DRUMMOND

Bill “Bullshit” say Unionists, Hippies

By Nicola Kean Protesters gathered at Parliament last week to rally against the Employment Relations (Probationary Employment) Amendment bill, which New Zealand Union of Student’s Associations (NZUSA) say will be detrimental to students if passed.

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Around 1000 people, mostly union members, gathered in the rain outside Parliament last Thursday to protest against the private member’s bill sponsored by National MP Wayne Mapp. Larger unions, such as the Engineering, Manufacturing and Printing Union (EPMU), bussed in members from afar especially for the rally.

The bill, which is currently before select committee, allows a 90 day “probationary period” for new workers for which personal grievance procedures will not apply. President of the Council of Trade Unions Ross Wilson, in addressing those gathered, called the bill “cynical” and said would discriminate against vulnerable workers.

A song written especially for the protest went further, calling the bill “total bullshit”.

NZUSA Co-President Joey Randall says, if passed, the bill will have “a significant impact” on students, especially those working over summer - a period of exactly three months.

A motion opposing the bill was passed at a recent NZUSA conference.

Mapp echoes Randall’s concerns, stating that he “imagines students would be concerned” about the bill. However, he suggests the bill might be changed during the select committee process to include a one month probationary period for short-term contract workers, such as students over summer.

Mapp attempted to address the crowd at the rally but was booed so loudly he could not be heard, a reaction he says was not surprising. He says union attempts to “characterise the bill as an extremist measure” was a “gross overreaction”.

Nexus News

Proposed PR and Marketing Changes On Hold.

Some staff’s future still in doubt.

By Josh Drummond

The potential layoffs of staff in the University’s Public Relations and Marketing department have been put on hold. The University administration have released a letter, signed by Deputy Vice-chancellor Doug Sutton and Head of Corporate Services Raymond McNickel, saying that the proposal - which suggested layoffs in the PR and Marketing departments - will not be proceeded with, for the time being.

University Vice-chancellor Roy Crawford said that, although the original proposal had been dismissed in its current form, it was by no means the end of the matter.

“The position at the moment is that we’re going through a formal process, after receiving feedback from all the people concerned. At the moment, we’ve got three options – we can push ahead with the proposal, abandon it altogether, or take suggestions and feedback into account,” He added that the proposal would be represented, after it had undergone changes.

a “significant” level in the upcoming 2007 enrolments campaign.

“We’re discussing … what structures we’ll be putting in place [on Thursday]. Elements of the 2007 enrolments campaign will be outsourced, but the majority of the work will be completed in-house,” he said.

Chris Williams of King Street Advertising, which drafted the original review of the PR and Marketing role at the University that threw the future of some staff into doubt, said that he could not comment on the [review] process, or on whether his company would play a part in the

“Having carefully considered the comments that have been received, we have decided not to proceed with the current proposal. Instead we wish to take some time to think about the

“We’re making slight modifications to the original proposal. At the moment, we’ve got to focus on improvements and we see this process ending around the beginning of 2007. We’ve got no

2007 enrolments campaign .

The Vice-chancellor said that the reason parts of the review had been withheld from staff was

opinions that have been expressed and to reflect upon and reconsider the whole matter. This may take some months and we may then wish to offer an alternative proposal for consultation,” the letter says.

preconceived ideas going in – it’s vary much an on-going thing,” he said.

because they were “commercially sensitive.”

It is understood the withheld part of the review is currently subject to an Official Information Act Request from the Association of University Staff.

The Vice chancellor also said that the PR and Marketing staff would be involved at

International Student Fees Set to Increase

By Josh Drummond

Fees for new international undergraduate students are set to increase 8.1 per cent for the 2007 academic year.

The fee increase was set out in a recommendation to the University Finance Committee in June. It advises setting international fees for graduate courses at 7.51 per cent, as well as instituting a separate tuition fee for one year programmes.

However, Orgad warned that Universities needed to take into account the living conditions and costs of international students when setting fees.

“We are also aware of the dire conditions that some International students are forced to go into because of the high tuition fees at University and minimal working opportunities for them to

said.

find work here and therefore have a difficult time supporting themselves while studying here.

Waikato Students Union President Sehai Orgad said that despite discouraging any fee increases, the WSU was pleased to see the grandparenting scheme was restricting the drastic international fee increases seen in the past. “Although the WSU does not support any fees increase, it’s reassuring to see the University take on a process which seeks guidance and advice from different sources in relation to International students, and the value that they receive from the fees that they pay.

“We are lucky at Waikato because of the grandparenting scheme – which was pushed through last year – that serves to keep international fees down,” she said.

“We hope that the University has a sustainable strategy for the revenue generated from the increase in international fees, in order to enhance and further support the experiences of international students studying at this campus.”

Waikato University is the only university in New Zealand to institute fee grandparenting for all international students. Massey University currently uses a grandparenting scheme for full-fee paying students (students for whom the University receives no government subsidy.)

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

The grandparenting scheme for international fees undertaken by the University last year means that tuition fees will be kept at the same level as set at the beginning of a student’s degree. The scheme usually takes into account the University’s forecasted costs for the next year. This means only new international students will be affected by the fee increases.

University Vice-chancellor Roy Crawford said that the fee increase was necessary, but added that he thought international students at Waikato were

better off than at other universities. “I think the University of Waikato has the best arrangements in New Zealand for international students, because of the grandparenting arrangement we’ve had in place since 2006. Students arrive from overseas and know what they’ll be paying [throughout the duration of] their enrolment,” he

Nexus News

Waikato University Owns All (Sports Awards)

By Josh Drummond Waikato University are celebrating a unique double success with two of their students winning the top awards at the NZ Universities Blues Awards Ceremony at Te Papa, Wellington.

Double-amputee climber Mark Inglis presented awards to world champion rower George Bridgewater, who carried off the supreme NZ Universities Sportsperson of the Year award for 2005, while Silver Fern Joline Henry won the NZU Maori Sportsperson of the Year award for the second consecutive year.

“I’m very proud and delighted at the performance of our sportspeople…It demonstrates the very special place of the University in New Zealand sport,” said Waikato University Vice-chancellor, Roy Crawford.

Professor Crawford could not resist a light jibe

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Mark Speaking

Hamilton is Creative, Apparently.

In other news, hell freezes over.

10

at the performance of other, larger universities. “It’s the second year running, I think, that we’ve come out top of the Blues awards,” he said.

Likewise, WSU President Sehai Orgad said the awards were an “honour” for the university. “I’m honoured and proud to have accepted the award on behalf Joline Henry, who is one of our premiere sportspersons at Waikato University, The Event Winners especially as it was presented by Mark Inglis, who is a real hero of mine,” she said.

“The awards are just one example of the quality being produced at the University, and we should all be proud of their success.”

Bridgewater was honoured for his outstanding performance winning gold with fellow Waikato student Nathan Twaddle in the coxless pairs at last year’s World Championship in Japan. The awesome oarsman, who was absent for the ceremony (being en route to the defence of his world title in the UK,) was preferred ahead of an all star cast of finalists selected from Blues recipients - swimmer Helen Norfolk (Massey Albany), triathlete Debbie Tanner (AUT), Black Fern Anna Richards (Massey Albany), 100-cap

Black Stick Jaimee Provan (AUT), All Black James Ryan (Otago Univ) and past winner Silver Fern Lesley Rumball (Auckland Univ).

Henry beat off tough competition from touch rugby international, Donovan Rihari (AUT) and Commonwealth Games swimmer Te Rina Taite (Massey Albany) to win the Maori award.

Bridgewater’s award capped a night which saw 52 of New Zealand’s best sportsmen and women receive prestigious NZ Universities Blues for their sporting and academic performance in 2005. Four other non-NZ based students won outstanding achievement awards including middle distance runner Kimberley Smith, winner of the gold medal in the 5,000m at last year’s World University Games in Turkey.

Hamilton has scooped an award for being, well, creative at the annual Creative Places Awards.

Hamilton received the award from Creative New Zealand at the Local Government New Zealand Conference, held in Wellington.

Hamilton City Council won the Cultural festivals and arts events category for the exhibiton Rare View: A glimpse into Hamilton’s Somali Community. This photographic exhibition explored what it is like for Somali people to live and work in Hamilton.

those local authorities and council organisations where exciting, innovative arts projects are an integral part of their agenda,” says Elizabeth Kerr, Chief Executive, Creative New Zealand.

The Rare View exhibition was set up to address stereotypes and increase knowledge as well as understanding of the Somali community amoung the wider Hamilton public. A wide range of Somali people were photographed including kindergarten teachers, teenagers at school and community elders.

The Creative Places Awards recognise local government’s vital investment in the arts of New Zealand. They also celebrate innovative arts projects that have enhanced the social, economic and cultural wellbeing of their communities.

“Creative New Zealand values its partnership with local government and these awards acknowledge

The exhibition helped create dialogue, facilitate interaction and welcome this migrant community to the city. The judges described the exhibition as “an important and timely community initiative. A powerful idea, well-executed, that is an excellent example of how a region can work towards welcoming refugee communities.”

Nexus News

Staff Pay Rise

By Andrew Neal

Waikato University staff may soon receive a long awaited pay rise, thanks to a planned $26 million increase in funding from the Government.

Academic and general staff at Waikato University would receive a 6.5% and 4.5% pay increase respectively, if the new pay plan goes through.

The proposal is soon to go to a ratification ballot at each University involved.

A move to decide whether to ratify the pay offer received an overwhelming nationwide majority vote at the Association of University Staff (AUS), the collective Union for all New Zealand tertiary staff, with 1213 votes for, 42 against, 2 abstentions and 2 invalid votes in a secret ballot.

Helen Kelly, general secretary of AUS said feedback regarding discussions and voting was “very positive.”

Waikato University staff are reportedly happy with

the new agreement, which has been reached in a joint effort between university staff unions, Vicechancellors and the Government. Separate deals will be decided on by each university whether or not to implement the new pay deal.

Minister of Tertiary Education Dr. Michael Cullen stated in the AUS National Bargaining Newsletter that the proposed funding increase is to serve as long term support for Universities, making them more secure and sustainable. Dr. Cullen also said that the increase would “keep research and teaching at New Zealand Universities at a high quality and keep them competitive internationally.”

University staff salaries have reportedly been rising more slowly than other comparative salaries, and staff unions have been pushing for a nation wide University staff pay increase for several years.

The industrial action seen on the Waikato University campus last year saw picket lines formed and University staff marching throughout

the campus and Hamilton. This strike led to a rise in pay for the University staff but still fell short of the increase that Union members had hoped for.

However, despite a proposed ‘Umbrella’ agreement for all universities, some Universities are seeing smaller pay increases than others.

Auckland University staff will be receiving a 7.5% and 5.5% increase for their staff.

Tracey Bowell, Co-President of the Waikato branch of AUS said this pay increase would bring Waikato University staff pay up to similar levels to comparable industries. “This will catch University staff pay up a bit, [but] there is still a major gap in salary levels. In fact, there was a period of close to a decade during the nineties where University staff saw no increase in pay at all.”

Due to the ballot being a secret postal vote Tracey Bowell could not give a number on Waikato staff voting turnouts. She said that most staff were pleased with the new offer, and that it should suffice for the next couple of years.

STA Launches a New Blueprint for Travel (Advertorial-ish, yes, but possibly useful.)

STA Travel Launches a New Blueprint for Travel (Advertorial-ish, yes, but possibly useful.)

STA Travel’s Blue Products are designed to deliver savings and benefits to the young and adventurous – from significantly reduced airfares, savings and value-adds on overland tours, and discounted insurance, to increased flexibility to change travel dates, longer validity on tickets, and on-the-road travel assistance in 90 countries around the world.

“If you like the idea of saving money and having more choice and flexibility then Blue is just the ticket for you,” says Mr Catton. “It’s travel designed with young people in mind – not as an afterthought.”

Blue Tickets, a cornerstone of the Blue initiative, are available exclusively to students and people under 26 years old (Customers need to hold or purchase an International Student ID Card (ISIC) or an International Youth Travel Card (IYTC) to

be eligible) They combine low-priced fares with other benefits such as increased flexibility to change travel dates (for the kind of minimal fees normally only associated with expensive premium fares), longer ticket validity (STA Travel’s Blue Tickets to Europe are the only fares available in New Zealand with 18-month ticket validity), and guaranteed refund rates up to one year.

Blue Ticket savings vary from fare to fare but one Round The World ticket option boasts a reduction of $800 when compared to the equivalent open market fare currently being advertised. In keeping with STA Travel’s commitment to quality, all Blue Ticket fares relate to travel on the world’s top airlines.

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

While the price of air travel is skyrocketing worldwide, STA Travel is bucking the trend and unveiling its ‘largest global brand initiative ever’ – Blue, a set of products specifically designed to lower the cost of travel for students and anyone under the age of 26.

Yet while Blue is set to revolutionise travel for the under 26ers, STA Travel New Zealand General Manager Blair Catton says it’s just an extension of the ethos that has seen STA Travel making international adventure a reality for tens of thousands of travellers over the past thirty years.

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Nexus News

Short Shorts Redman Recognised

By Evelyn Millar

Hamilton Mayor Michael Redman’s leadership skills and achievements have been recognized with a Sir Peter Blake Emerging Leader Award.

The award was presented to Mr. Redman at Parliament on Saturday by Dame Sylvia Cartwright, Westpac Bank general manager Ann Sherry, and Sir Peter Blake’s widow Lady Pippa Blake with her son James. Mr. Redman told The Waikato Times that the award was a great honour for Hamilton and “a testament to the city’s emerging status”. The Sir Peter Blake Trust Awards were launched in 2005 and aim to acknowledge and celebrate outstanding leaders within New Zealand. The awards consist of the Blake Medal, given to the most outstanding leader of the year, and six awards for young emerging leaders. Nominations are accepted from all sectors of society, with awardees including a police Sergeant and various business people. Mr. Redman was the only politician to receive an award. Stephen Tindall, founder of The Warehouse, received the Blake Medal.

Four young Kiwis take on Australia for AUD$100k award And of course, the Hamilton boffin’s entry is something to do with cows. Way to fuck up Hamilton’s cosmopolitan image, you successful bastard.

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Four determined young Kiwis have just two weeks to prepare for the trip of a lifetime that could see one of them take home AUD$100,000 having just been named finalists in this year’s Nescafe Big Break.

Guaranteed an award of at least AUD$4,000, Aucklanders Rich Henry and Summer Phillips will join Samuel Perrin from Hamilton, as well as Tauranga’s Bryden Nicholas and Andrew Robinson, in travelling to Sydney to take on the 10 Australian finalists in the final round of judging.

Twenty-three year old Samuel Perrin’s big ambition is to produce a ‘milking claw’ that is more user-friendly for dairy-milkers and reduces cross-contamination of mastitis in cows. The industrial designer has spent more than a year developing the prototype and has researched milking extraction systems, existing milking claws and the potential market for the product.

“Nescafe Big Break would allow me the

12

opportunity to develop the milking claw from its present prototype state to a position where it is commercially ready for release and where the final patent is obtainable. I can’t wait to head to Aussie for the final stage!”

Cleaners defend workers rights Because where the hell would we be without cleaners?

On Thursday cleaners in Auckland, Wellington and around Australia will be joining together to defend workers rights and send a message to those in the cleaning industry who won’t listen to cleaners’ concerns.

In Auckland, Wellington and all over Australia, cleaners will rally as part of their global ‘Clean Start: Fair Deal for Cleaners’ campaign.

Actions will focus on local building owners who have refused to meet with cleaners to talk about the way cleaners are treated in the buildings they own.

“We’re disappointed that some local owners are failing to follow the lead of the multi-national building owners such as AMP and Macquarie Bank who have agreed to treat cleaners with respect and dignity,” said John Ryall, National Secretary of the NZ union for cleaners, the Service & Food Workers Union, Nga Ringa Tota.

Maori-themed bit opens at Hamilton Gardens Surprisingly, no mention given to kumaragrowing.

The first phase of the Te Parapara Garden was officially unveiled at Hamilton Gardens today [20 July 2006] signifying the newest addition to the

Hamilton Gardens themed garden collection.

In July 2003, as part of Annual Plan submissions, Council accepted a proposal by Nga Mana Toopu O Kirikiriroa for the establishment of a traditional Maori plantation garden at Hamilton Gardens.

The first phase of this garden was unveiled today in the form of a carved gateway to the lot allocated to the Te Parapara Garden.

The carved gateway symbolises the passing through from the current to the traditional world.

General manager Community Services Sue Duignan says the Te Parapara Garden will add a unique dimension to Hamilton Gardens worldrenowned collection.

“Council has welcomed the proposal by Nga Mana Toopu for a Maori themed garden in Hamilton Gardens. Te Parapara takes its name from an ancient pa that stood along the Waikato River banks not far from where this new garden is being built, so the inclusion of the Te Parapara Garden is very relevant to the history of the site and a wonderful opportunity to showcase a uniquely Tainui story of gardening.”

Nexus News

More “Mohammed” cartoons ignite fury in Muslim world Fatwa pending on Nexus News Editor

Kim Jong World’s Illest Golfer

Andrew Neal :)

Made you look.

The Nexus Haiku News Because we can.

NZ approves cervical cancer vaccine How d’ya do a Haiku ‘Bout Cervical Cancer Vaccine?

Like that…

According to an official Government press release, in 1994 Kim Jong Il played his first 18 holes sinking at least five hole-in-ones and played a 72 par course in just 34 strokes. The only reported witnesses to this event include 17 bodyguards and other assistants to Mr. Jong Il. Since then the leader of north Korea routinely shoots three or four aces every time he steps up to the tee.

Philippine eruption fears prompt evacuation Volcano, due to erupt Farmers, won’t leave slopes.

Pompeii 2.0.

Israel continues levelling lots of Lebanon Bombs away! Keep it up, You’ll create The Mid-east’s largest parking lot.

MPs hear conflicting views on smacking Clip on the ear, kid Fix what’s ailing ya.

Oops, parental failure.

Government hails Peters’ US visit a success A success? That’s nice.

Well, not quite..

He didn’t shag Condoleezza Rice.

Policewoman who worked as prostitute censured. (This one is just to ridiculous to be true. But it is.)

Here’s a speeding ticket, John.

That’ll be $500 For the “extras.”

For all those not familiar with North Korean President Kim Jong Il, he was the short, angry guy with gigantic glasses on “Team America” known best for his chipper “Huro!” upon entrance to any scene as well as his musical moment, singing “I’m So Ronery…”

Officer who ‘spied on partner’ given community work Cop, sad bloke, Watched his wife have a poke, “Protect and Serve?”- for other folk!

Yo dude, get down with the Nats (in which the National Party hilariously tries to make itself cool) Nats are cool and down wit’ shit.

How’s that, pray?

Must be Brash’s rapier wit.

Teenager walks (backwards, if you please) into oncoming train (and survives!)

Just how do you describe?

This idiot? “Retarded?” – There. Done our bit.

Tickets ‘first priority’ in 3rd police memo “Tickets priority?” – police memo Like we didn’t Already know.

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Former East Timor PM questioned over ‘hit squad’ “By a ‘hit squad,’ d’ya mean, Thugs armed wit’ machetes?

Yeah, dat wuz me.”

North Koean media has reported that Kim Jong Il, the country’s enigmatic leader shot a 38 under par in his first time playing golf.

Due to the fact that there is no official evidence of Il’s perfect golf swing the Guiness Book of Records can unfortunately not make an official placement as the all time best golf game. There has also been talk of an international cover up, created by world leaders (who also play golf) so they’re not outdone by someone with such ridiculous hair.

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Send your letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz before 5pm Tuesday and the best one wins a $5 voucher for Campus Kiosk – conveniently located in the Cowshed courtyard for all your snacking needs!

Lettuce Policy

Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page – serious or otherwise. Letters should be no more than 250 words and received by 5pm on the Tuesday before publication. All letters will generally be printed so give it a bash, but the editor retains the right to abridge or refuse correspondence.

Bad spelling and grammar will not be corrected. Pseudonyms are acceptable but all letters must include your real name and contact details even if you don’t want them printed (and they won’t be printed!). We discourage the use of pseudonyms for serious letters.

I’m writing to say that it is outrageous with what is happening with all the Coke vending machines. I sit in G Block and all the machines around here R block, A block etc

of Che wearing hat with communist red star), thinking they are real cool, without knowing the meaning of the statement they are making. Che was against capitalism, and against the idea that every/anything can be turned into shit that you can market and make big bucks from. In wearing your t-shirt with his face on it, or buying into any of the Che paraphernalia, YOU ARE PISSING ON

essay compared to fixing someones plumbing or building a roof? I dont agree that people getting status from degrees is a fact of life. I (thankfully) know people who do not attach any status to degrees. If I was an employer I would be more concerned about what values, work ethic, and initiatives a prospective employee has, rather than a bit of paper that claims superiority. In

are being replaced with machines.

EVERYTHING HE STOOD FOR.

Now I know everybody is upsizing but I don’t actually want 600 ml bottles at a ripoff price of $2.50. There are two reasons for this - I don’t want to get ripped off and I don’t want to have to pee in a tutorial.

Thanks, Talia Sellars.

many cases it shows little more than stickablity. I am not one of the people you assumed guilty of measuring a persons worth solely on a piece of paper. I think that if people from the education sector (as you suggest) are discouraging parent and students from advocating degrees then this is a breath of fresh air. I think its about time we started challenging assumptions that degrees are necessary in society. I think instead of our current method of judging a persons worth with degrees, we should be trying to start to recognise and value other forms of learning, and knowledge.

Marama Mayrick

Letter of the Week Supersize Coke A Ripoff

I think this is blatant abuse by Coke to inflate their huge profits.

Can the Student Union do anything about this (who I’ve added to this letter)? I note that earlier in the year I was at Otago University and their vending machines dispensed drinks at $1 - not the $1.20 that we pay around her.

Ian Ironically enough, Ian wins a $5 voucher for use at Campus Kiosk!

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Late 80s Hooray-des I just want to say thanks for having Late 80s Mercedes at re-orientation this year! I had never heard of them before re-orientation but I went along and it absolutely rocked! They are so talented and really put on a performance. I never thought I could hear one band play everything from Eminem to Robbie Williams, Britney through to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song, and all with a funk twist. It was so clever and funky and I can’t wait to hopefully see them again next year!

– Hannah

For Che-me I just wanted to point something out to all the people who go around sporting their Che Guevara shirts (usually a red t-shirt with face

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Judging Nexus by its cover I don’t often read nexus, but one thing strikes me, the Nexus magazine covers RECENTLY have been exceptionally well done!!! A huge difference from the dreary looking covers they used to look like in past years. Previously I couldn’t bear to look at a Nexus mag that looked worse then some rubbish on the ground and recently I decided to read the inside cover and beyond, all because the cover looked better then the photo copy like covers from previous years... well done I think it looks better then most pay to buy mags... ! cheers d

Complaint/Advice #1 Change the name of Nexus to SexUs. #2 Bring back the funny, bring back the funk, lets funk it up. #3 Bring back classic columns for example : Whats good on t.v. and Muscle Man tip of the week. #4 More indiscriminant sex, I don’t really know how far reaching your authority is.

From your biggest fan (literally, Im fucking fat).

Trades vs degrees In response to Gary Olivers column, Killing time on Campus, issue 14, 17 july: In referance to comparing workloads, you state that a tradesperson has a lower amount of work compared to a degree.Where are the facts that you base this comment on? Are you meaning that it is more difficult to go to a lecture or write an

Gary’s response to the above letter: Marama, If you were interviewing perspective employees, how would you determine their values, work ethic or level of initiative? These are all attributes that only become apparent through time; above and beyond the handful of minutes spent in the interview itself. Failing knowing the prospective employee beforehand, realistically you, as the employer, can only make inferences regarding these attributes based on a c.v., brief interview and given character references. These methods all have the potential to be very misleading. As you point out, a degree is at least solid evidence of ‘stickability.’

To clarify, I don’t regard either a degree or trade apprenticeship as being more ‘difficult’ than the other. In comparing workloads, I was simply stating a personal observation: Generally, it takes more time for those studying toward a degree to become qualified, find employment and earn a living than those in the trades. To answer your

Lettuce question, I find it much easier to write an essay than to fix a roof; I have the bruises and leaking ceiling tiles to prove it.

It is purely my opinion that we measure peoples’ professional ability based on a piece of paper. I feel that for many, professional ability is incorrectly generalised to include personal worth; this being a common yet misguided reason for individuals pushing tertiary education. I do apologise for speaking in absolutes and for any ambiguity regarding this point as per the original column. I will try to be more concise with my allotted 400 words in the future.

As for changing current perceptions regarding education, this will be very difficult. I agree with you that recognising other forms of learning and knowledge is a good place to start. How to move these alternatives into the spotlight for consideration, yet alone gain approval in the face of contrary inherent mainstream tradition is the million dollar challenge.

Gary Bikes are people too To the young woman in the car who nearly knocked me off my bike on Tuesday swerving into Nixon St without looking behind or indicating – you’re a total idiot, and pretty lucky I managed to turn in time. I can’t actually remember the colour or make of the car because of the levels of freaked-out adrenaline that immediately flooded my body upon almost being killed.

Some road rules for dummies (ie 90% of you) – If you are driving along and want to turn left, you LOOK IN THE MIRROR. If you see someone on a bike tootling along in the bike lane just beside/behind you, you indicate and WAIT for them to pass. Got me? It’s not up to them to get out your way, they have a right to be there. So to the idiot, and all the other 74 idiots who try and bowl me over every week by ignoring my right of way on left turns, right turns or roundabouts – next time, you indicate in plenty of time and you wait for the bike.

It’s also damn rude to glare at the cyclist post-incident as if they shouldn’t have had the nerve to be there at all. If you’re a driver, you need to watch where your going and be aware of cyclists. Period.

Laura B.

To everyone Write some letters; Not a request, this is an order! Nah, I’m just being a dick.

Anyway, I’m not too much of a fan of empty space on the letters page so I’m going to fill it up with an invention by Athanasius Kircher: the cat piano! “...

And now for Beethoven’s 5th in the key of ‘meow’ “. Hahaha, only in the 17th Century... -- Matt

Hamilton Professional Theatre A Possibility?

By David Foote Two weeks ago I had a column published on the arts page of the Waikato Times. It was published, minus the conclusion, under a headline quoting me as having said, “there will never be an independent professional theatre company in Hamilton.” Having never uttered those words in my life I am somewhat puzzled.

I regard theatre as my profession. It is not, however, a profession which pays my bills, and for this reason, I am in fact passionately concerned with the development of a sustainable professional culture in this town.

I’m aware I’m not alone in this regard - Hamilton has one of the most vibrant amateur and semi-professional theatre scenes in NZ, but tell that to anyone from outside Hamilton, or even to most Hamiltonians, and you’ll probably be laughed at.

To my knowledge Hamilton has made two serious attempts to establish a professional theatre, the first in the mid-seventies which I believe came out of Playbox, and the second, Elektra, in the mid eighties, who paid themselves via a Work and Income training allowance, and operated primarily out of the old Left Bank Theatre on Marlborough Pl. Of the two, Electra held out the longest, but both were under-resourced and neither established a profile outside of Hamilton. It is my view that the two factors are not unconnected.

To attempt to finance a full-time professional company here without first building the regions profile nationally proved impossible then, and nothing has happened to change that. As an example Palmerston North’s Centrepoint Theatre this year received an annual grant from Creative NZ of $383,000, and this on top of the money given them annually by their local council. Compare this with the Waikato, where no one has ever even received project funding from CNZ for theatre, and where the average annual cashflow, of independent groups such as ours, would be lucky to run to the tens of thousands, let alone the three to five hundred thousand required for a full time program of professional theatre.

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I believe we need to establish a national profile for Hamilton theatre by touring it to what ever degree we can afford, and meanwhile we should be applying to CNZ and other funders on a regular basis and for everything we can. Sooner or later, but hopefully in the next couple of years, someone will get noticed, their project will get the funding and that will be a beginning.

Got an opinion that needs airing and doesn’t fit in a letter? Send it to ‘Opinion’, nexus@waikato.ac.nz.

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War

Peace

War in the Middle East huh? Well gosh Uncle Jed, ain’t that just the darndest thing you ever did here? Well no not particularly.

I hope everyone is having fun being back at school for B semester. I’d really like to encourage some more enthusiasm or eccentricity from our students.

University appears to be such a glum place, so let’s try and put some spark in to each other’s day. How about making a completely outrageous comment in your lecture, or wearing your suit backwards? Streaking, anyone? How about reading out Finnish poetry from the steps of the library? You choose.

What the fuck is going on over there? We got Western forces in Afghanistan and Iraq, Americans freaking out over Iranian nuclear ambitions, and now Israel starts a full-scale war with Lebanon. Well, if you ask me, this war really could escalate at a stunningly high speed.

Hezbollah is a Lebanese Shi’a Muslim terrorist organization that has a military and civilian wing, the latter participating in the Lebanese parliament, taking 18% of the chairs (23 out of 128) and the bloc it forms with the others a little more than twenty percent. It is a minority partner in the current Cabinet. Hezbollah is considered a terrorist organization by Israel, the European Union and the United States, but as a legitimate combatant and political actor by many countries, some of which don’t recognize Israel, but others, including the UN, that do.

The United States and Israel say that Hezbollah is given financial and political assistance, as well as weapons and training, from Iran and Syria. Syria says it supports Hezbollah but denies supplying it with weapons.

So the pressure is really on. Does the Lebanese government force Hezbollah to give Israel back their soldiers? If not, does Israel continue their attempts to “turn Lebanon’s clock back 20 years”? If the latter happens, Syria will likely step in at some point. Will they ask Lebanon to succumb to Israel, or will they join the conflict and attack Israel?

If this happens, then we’re in for a hell of show.

There is an Iranian-Syrian mutual defense pact, and Iran would deem any attack on Syria an assault on Iran. Will common sense prevail? Or will blind nationalistic and religious pride lead us in to the greatest conflict since World War Two?

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There are a lot of people with a lot to gain from a war in that region, and there are a lot of states who want other states completely eliminated from existence. It is going to be very interesting to see whether anyone can take control of this situation, or whether it all goes belly-up and we end up with some terrible events happening.

I think it all comes down to self-greed and the interpretation and propaganda of religion. If these countries actually did as their religions asked of them, which is to accept people for whom they are and that everyone is made equal, then there wouldn’t be these problems.

For me personally, religion is silly. I don’t see why there is any point worrying about what is going to happen once I die. I’d rather worry about trying not to die.

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Has anyone else noticed how stink the O weeks were this year compared to last year’s? We REALLY need the Hilly built and up and running again. That place was amazing last year. You could walk down the road to a bar as big as The Outback and get pissed, score a chick, whatever! And that was all before midnight! Oh, I’m getting nostalgic now. The Don just isn’t big enough to cater for us, and the first years are pretty babyish this year.

News just in from The Netherlands, a great investigation involving the world’s premier scientists and psychics has revealed that Dutch people are the most naturally gifted to play football! While there are wild claims from Brazil and the UK that these are “blatant lies”, it has been uncovered that that evolution process in the low lying country has created a tentatively named ‘Cruyff gene’, believed to give Dutchmen the ability to create and execute elaborate tactics or manoeuvres. Professor Pierre Corrida of the University of Madrid says “While for people have spoken about the uncanny knack the Dutch have for the random and outrageous, we always thought it was because they smoked so much marijuana and lived below sea-level”. It had been calculated that in four years time, most Dutch people will have developed the gene. Just in time for South Africa 2010....

Here are some quotes I’ve read during the last week. I just thought you might like them.

“When I see this, I want to smash his face” – French defender William Gallas, about Marco Materazzi hoaxing Zinedine Zidane in to being sent off.

“I had on 18 year-old kid who I took to a tournament in Glenfield. He didn’t even know there was a harbour bridge. He asked how long it had been there.”

– Papatoetoe boxing club trainer Grant Arkell, in response to increasing concerns about South Auckland youths after a shooting on Sunday morning.

“See, the irony is what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it’s over” – US President George W. Bush to UK Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit in Russia.

Well that’s me for this week.

Yours erratically, Tommy Stukka. tommystukka@hotmail.com

Material collated by Renee Rewi. Photos from Te Puna Tautoko Explanation The bottom of the picture represents the pathway for new knowledge. It is open ended, symbolizing the willingness to learn and an open mind. The Koru within represents all students in their growth of knowledge and their growth of learning te reo. Beneath the Koru are two openings which symbolize the opportunities students have to share and teach others about te reo. Above the Koru are two arms that represent the embracing arms of those reaching te reo, within these arms are baskets of knowledge depicted through weaving.

By Jade Kameta & Michal Akurangi

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

24-30 JULY 2006

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Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori Feature

Te Wiki O Te Reo Māori

By Turei Thompson He whaikororia ki te Matua i te Rangi, he maungārongo ki runga i te mata o te whenua, he whakaaro pai ki ngā tāngata katoa.

Ka mihi ki te Ariki tapairu, ko te Atairangikaahu, ki tōna rahi, ki tōna nui, tae noa atu ki ōna kohinga mana. Tēnā koe, otirā tēnā koutou. Kei ngā huihuinga o te motu, te iti, te rahi, te katoa. Tēnā koutou katoa. He whakaaroha atu ki ngā reo tipua kua wahangūtia ki te ao nei, ki a Te Anituatua Delamare mā, ki a Hūhuana (Bubbles) Mihinui mā, kei ngā piki o te rangi, kei ngā kupu o te ao, takoto, e moe, okioki. Otia te pō, nau mai te ao!

Ko te kaupapa o te wiki nei ko te whakanui i te reo Māori arā, te reo toitū, te reo motuhake, te reo wairua anō hoki o Aotearoa nei.

Māori is a language for all New Zealanders, so let’s Give it a Go and Kōrero Māori. Together we can show pride in our unique national language. Even if it’s just saying kia ora or showing support to speakers of te reo Māori in other ways, everyone can play a role in supporting reo Māori.

Ways to celebrate pride in te reo Māori There are many ways that you can celebrate pride in New Zealand’s unique national language not only during Māori Language Week but all year round.

Here are some suggestions to help you promote the Māori language. You can do these activities at any time of the year but Māori Language Week is a good time to start!

For Absolute Beginners Learn how to pronounce Māori words properly by learning the vowel sounds ‘a-e-i-o-u’ first. Once you have mastered these sounds most Māori words

Ngāruawahia High School - Picture from Te Puna Tautoko

pronunciation visit http://www.nzei.org.nz/reo2/index.html Greet your whānau, your work colleagues and the local shop keeper in te reo Māori.

For Learners • Speak Māori as often as you can.

• Create some Māori language only zones like the kitchen, the dining area or the lounge or your desk area.

• Encourage your whānau and friends to come to classes with you so you have got someone to converse with.

For fluent speakers of te reo Māori • Use reo Māori as often as possible.

• Encourage all your whānau and friends to learn Māori.

• Support your friends and family who are learning Māori by talking to them as much as possible in te reo Māori.

For The Workplace; Community Organisations • Develop a Māori language plan for your office - Visit www.tereo.govt.nz for more details.

• Arrange for Māori signs in your office.

• Encourage staff and members to learn Māori.

• Place advertisements in Māori.

are easy to pronounce, Māori words sound how they look. For help with

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Contents of this page was obtained from http://www.nzreo.org.nz

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Picture from Te Puna Tautoko

Picture from Te Puna Tautoko

Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori Feature

History of the Māori Language

By Angela Ballara (www.nzhistory.net.nz) From spoken to written language In the last 200 years the Māori language has had a curious history, from up to down and back again. In 1800 it was the overwhelmingly predominant language spoken in Aotearoa. There were a number of regional variations, but it was a single language comprehended from the Far North (Muriwhenua) to Stewart Island (Rakiura). The variations may have developed during the long, early, relative isolation of local populations in various regions of New Zealand, compounded by the different village or island origins of the canoe crews from the various eastern Polynesian islands whose peoples were the ancestors of modern Māori.

Although Māori had a script of significant carving signs, knots and readily understood communication methods, their society was small, and written language was not then a necessary feature. With the arrival of foreigners of various origins, the need for written communication was to grow.

Māori was still the language most frequently spoken and written in New Zealand into the 1840s, while English-speaking visitors, missionaries and settlers were a small minority. Missionaries had made the first attempts to write down the Maori language as early as 1814, and Professor Samuel Lee of Cambridge University worked with the chief Hongi Hika and his junior relative Waikato to systematise the written language in 1820. Literacy and expanded numeracy were two exciting new concepts that Māori accepted enthusiastically, and the missionaries of the 1820s reported the alacrity with which Māori all over the country taught each other to read and write, using sometimes quite innovative materials, such as leaves and charcoal, carved wood, and the cured skins of introduced animals, when there was no paper

available.

Kōhanga reo The popularity of kōhanga reo continued through the 1990s. By July 2000 there were a total of 11,519 children attending 611 kōhanga reo throughout the country. Approximately 40,000 children have passed through kōhanga reo since 1981 Maori women have been the backbone of kōhanga reo (Māori language nests) since the first opened in 1981.

The Future: We All Have a Part to Play There are others working in this field, too numerous to mention. But with all their efforts, the decline of Māori language has only just been arrested, and given the beginnings of a shove in the other direction. To remain viable as a language, Māori needs a critical mass of fluent speakers of all ages, and it needs the respect and support of the wider, English-speaking and multi-ethnic New Zealand community. This is where Pākehā can help. By being aware of some of the major concepts and institutions of Māori society, by knowing their terms and names, and, most importantly of all, by showing respect for them by knowing how to pronounce them, all can contribute to a stronger and healthier New Zealand society. The reward is to share in an ancient and rich culture, that provides much in the background of our common culture - in our place names and associations with the shared history of the country.

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Picture of Hoani Waititi teaching te reo, possibly at Queen Victoria School for Māori Girls. During the 1950s and 1960s he developed important new techniques for teaching te reo, and he was the author of Te Rangatahi, the standard teaching guides for te reo for decades.

Picture from Te Puna Tautoko

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Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori Feature

Māori Words every New Zealander should know So give it a go!

From www.nzhistory.net.nz

The marae

challenge.

Formal greeting to one person

Marae The area for formal discourse in front of a meeting house, or applied to a whole marae complex, including meeting house, dining hall, forecourt etc.

Waiata Song or chant which follows speech

Tēnā kōrua Formal greeting to two people

Koha Gift, present (usually money, can be food or precious items, given by guest to hosts)

Tēnā koutou Formal greeting to many people

Haere mai!

Welcome! Enter!

Nau mai!

Welcome!

Tangihanga Funeral ceremonies, when body is mourned on a marae.

Tangi Short (verbal version) for the above (gerund), or to cry, to mourn Karanga The ceremony of calling to the guests to welcome them to enter the marae Manuhiri Guests, visitors Tangata whenua Original people belonging to a place, local people, hosts Whaikōrero The art and practise of speechmaking Kaikōrero or kaiwhai kōrero Speaker (there are many other terms)

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Haka Chant with dance for the purpose of

Whare whakairo Carved meeting house Whare kai Dining hall Whare paku Lavatory, toilet Whare horoi Ablution block, bathroom Hui A meeting of any kind, conference, gathering

Greetings Haere mai Welcome!, Come!

Hei konā rā Goodbye (less formal) Kia ora Hi!, G’day! (general informal greeting) E noho rā Goodbye (from a person leaving) E haere rā Goodbye (from a person staying) Mōrena (Good) morning!

Nau mai Welcome! Come!

Pictures from Te Puna Tautoko

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Whare nui Meeting house; in writing this is sometimes run together as one word - wharenui

Tēnā koe

Tēnā tātou katoa Formal inclusive greeting to everybody present, including oneself.

People and their groups Ariki Person of high inherited rank from senior lines of descent, male or female Hapū Clan, tribe, independent section of a people; modern usage - sub-tribe; (also to be born)

Tamariki Children Tāne Man, husband, men, husbands Teina/taina Junior relative, younger brother of a brother, younger sister of a sister Tipuna/tupuna Ancestor Tuahine Sister of a man Tuakana Senior relative, older brother of a brother, older sister of a sister Tungāne Brother of a sister

Iwi People, nation; modern usage - tribe; (also bones)

Wahine Woman, wife (wāhine women, wives)

Kaumātua Elder or elders, senior people in a kin group

Waka Canoe, canoe group (all the iwi and hapū descended from the crew of a founding waka)

Ngāi Tātou A way of referring to everyone present - we all

Whāngai Fostered or adopted child, young person

Pākehā This word is not an insult; its derivation is obscure; it is the Māori word for people living in New Zealand of British/European origin; it would not have included, for example, Dalmatians, Italians, Greeks, Indians, Chinese etc.

Whānau Extended (non-nuclear) family Whanaunga Kin, relatives

Rangatira Person of chiefly rank, boss, owner Tama Son, young man, youth Tamāhine Daughter Tamaiti One child

Pictures from Te Puna Tautoko

Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori Feature

Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori Related Events University Of Waikato Library - Waka Week Tuia te rangi e tü nei Tuia te papa e takoto nei Tuia rätou i wehea atu Ki te Pöuriuri ki te Pötangotango He kura i tangihia - he maimai aroha ki a koutou Haere mai! Haere mai! Haere mai In 1998 the Ani Pahuru, Kaitakawaenga Maori, organised Library Hui for University of Waikato Maori staff, where ideas were sought as to how Maori could be enticed into the Library. Mr Matiu Dickson (UoW School of Law) proposed a “Waka Week” where Maori could learn about themselves.

After further consultation and planning the inaugural Waka Week commenced by celebrating the Tainui Waka in 1998, as tangata Whenua.

Mataatua followed, as Mr Matiu Dickson and other kaikorero readily offered their knowledge. Te Arawa and Ngati Porou followed, and saw the celebration grow bigger then the Library. 2002 saw the whole idea of Waka themselves being celebrated with huge input by Hoturoa BarclayKerr.

Waka Week 2006 Date: Monday 31 July 2006 - Friday 4th August 2006.

There will be information displays of the Library ‘Te Whānau-ā-Apanui’ resources through-out the week. However, we will also have a main day

where we will have guest speakers from Te Whānau-ā-Apanui and kai etc.

This day is open to both staff and students. Please find the information below.

Main day: Wednesday 2 August 2006 Time: 9:30am Mihi 10:30am Speaker Presentation 12:00pm Lunch – Finger Foods 1:00pm Cultural Hour – Outside Te Āhurutanga Speakers: Wiremu (Bill) Tawhai Te Kepa Stirling Tamati Reedy For more information and to register your attendance for catering purposes please contact: Hinerangi Kara - Māori Liaison Librarian. Ph (07) 856-2889, Ext - 4754. Email - hinek@waikato.ac.nz KO WAI? NA WAI? NO WHEA? It’s a question of identity – Maori people want to know about themselves, and the University of Waikato Library holds many resources and taonga that are of interest to Maori. How do we bring Maori into the Library?

By offering them the opportunity to view, to touch, to experience the resources held here – and by inviting key kaikorero from each waka to bring to life the taonga, through the oral tradition – whakapapa, waiata, moteatea, haka.

Te Pua Wananga ki te Ao School of Maori and Pacific Development presents: Monday / Rāhina 24 July / Hōngongoi

DEBATE: Me tū ngā wāhine ki te whaikōrero i runga i te Marae Time: 6pm – 8pm Venue: SG.01

DEBATE: TBA Time: 6pm – 8pm Venue: SG.02

Thursday / Rāpare 27 July / Hōngongoi

Closing of Manawataki Time: 5pm – 7pm Venue: The Academy of Performing Arts

Books and More Display Venue: Downtown Plaza, Cnr Worley Place and Ward Street, Hamilton

Events for Pro Vice Chancellor Māori Office The Pro Vice Chancellor Māori Office will be hosting two events the first being a public presentation on Wed 26th July 1-2pm S104, guest speaker is Dr Charles Royal (TBC).

Secondly there will be a ‘Concert on the Marae Atea’ Te Kohinga Marama Marae Te Whare Wānanga o Waikato 6-8pm showcasing local winning primary and secondary school Kapa haka groups Te Huinga Taniwha o Te Ara Maurea and Te Wharekura o Ngataiatea and our most famous local Māori musos Adam Whauwhau and the T Sistaz.

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Tuesday / Rātu 25 July / Hōngongoi

24 – 28 July / Hōngongoi

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Waikato Uni and Maori A Healthy Relationship?

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Nexus gets the word from the Vice-Chancellor and the Pro Vice-Chancellor Maori

Waikato University has a particular significance for Māori.

It is situated on Tainui land and has the highest proportion of Maori students in the country, with over 2500 studying on campus. These students are also able to complete their studies in te reo Māori if they want to.

With regard to cultural needs –we invite all new students (not just Māori) to participate in a powhiri on the University marae at the beginning of each academic year. Each set of graduation ceremonies includes one that is held on the University marae. A variety of activities take place during term time eg Matariki, inter-School sports exchanges, cultural hour activities etc - see http://www.waikato.ac.nz/tautoko/.

Nexus talked to Vice Chancellor Roy Crawford about Waikato’s unique partnership with Māori.

diversity of our student community, which is evident in our Motto, our Vision, our Values and our Strategic Plan.’

How do you approach the challenge of catering to Māori cultural and educational needs while giving equal consideration to those of all the other Waikato students, domestic and international? Is it a hard balance to maintain?

‘The Pro Vice-Chancellor (Māori) Office, Tamati Reedy, is dedicated to catering to Māori cultural and educational needs.

With regard to educational needs, all Schools of Studies, without exception, have Māori mentoring units – these units come together to form a university- wide network - see the website http://www.waikato.ac.nz/tautoko/.

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The balance is not difficult to maintain – we take every opportunity to celebrate the cultural

What is it about Waikato that makes it the most popular campus for Maori?

‘Situated at the heart of Kingitanga, we have a rich community of Māori stakeholders. We have a very high proportion of Māori students compared with the other campuses. Many leaders and role models for Māori have been students of the University of Waikato. Many high profile Maori academics, politicians, artists and performers have received honorary doctorates from the University of Waikato and are Alumni.’

Does Waikato have a responsibility to local iwi?

‘Yes, to Tainui and to the other iwi represented

by Te Rōpū Manukura That responsibility is expressed in broad terms as a ‘partnership’ in ensuring that the tertiary needs of the iwi groups in the region of the University of Waikato are met.’

What does the Kaitiaki (guardian) role involve?

What relationship/communication do you have with Dr Apirana Mahuika?

‘The Kaitiaki role involves making sure the University upholds the partnership intent of the Treaty of Waitangi and remains relevant to iwi.

We achieve this through collaboration with Te Rōpū Manukura. Dr Mahuika, chair of Te Rōpū Manukura, is an honorary doctor of the University and a member of our Council. I meet with him often in these capacities and frequently seek his advice and input on university matters.’

Last month, you mentioned that “The University of Waikato has a long-standing reputation for leading the way with initiatives to support Māori in tertiary education”. What are some examples of those initiatives?

‘Our teaching programmes in the School of Māori and Pacific Development •

The Maori Academic Excellence Awards celebrating Maori PhDs across the country, pioneered by the University of Waikato several years ago

“...I feel that after several years in New Zealand now, and having made the Waikato my home, I now have a good appreciation of the extent to which our origin as a University, our partnerships with Maori and our unique regional and cultural resources will continue to be a fundamental aspect of our identity and our distinctiveness.”

Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford

• Our Te Tohu Paetahi programme • Our Te Timitangi Hou progrrame and the Huarahi Maori Stream of the Certificate in University Preparation • Infrastructural support (see http://www.

waikato.ac.nz/tautoko/) which received commendation in the recent NZUAAU Academic Audit

• The well-established Māori network Te Puna Tautoko • Our example among universities in establishing a Policy on Māori Language in Assessment • Our Tikanga Māori processes for dealing with student discipline • Our Māori staff development programmes in Treaty, te reo and tikanga • Our Treaty of Waitangi Advisory Committee Also, Te Rōpū Manukura is developing specific research projects to align with the development needs and aspirations of Māori communities and iwi.’

What do you see as the role of Maori student associations on a local level?

‘It is up to students to identify their needs – student associations are accountable to students.’

What are the main Treaty issues present at Waikato Uni? ‘Linking to Māori communities, and supporting Māori students and staff’ How have you found it coming here from overseas and having to learn about the Treaty of Waitangi, and the various dynamics flowing from that?

‘I have found it both challenging and exciting.

I feel that after several years in New Zealand now, and having made the Waikato my home, I now have a good appreciation of the extent to which our origin as a University, our partnerships with Māori and our unique regional and cultural resources will continue to be a fundamental aspect of our identity and our distinctiveness.’

Have you had to learn some Maori?

‘Yes, though I have a lot to learn yet, and very much appreciate the support (and tolerance) of my Māori colleagues.’

Do you have any plans for Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori?

‘Yes – following on from Matariki, which was

promoted and reported in Nexus, we will also promote and report on Te Wiki in the same way.

There will be guest speakers and possibly a concert on the marae, with some high profile Māori entertainers coming to support the kaupapa.’

Professor Tamati Reedy, Pro Vice-Chancellor Māori, also took time to comment on these issues, and has the last word. ‘Firstly, I tautoko the comments made by the Vice-Chancellor to Nexus.’

‘Secondly, I would like to highlight our university’s uniqueness that is derived from its commitment to and partnerships with Māori: We are the only university in Aotearoa with a significant Māori stakeholder group that represents a true Treaty of Waitangi partnership with iwi of the region – this is Te Rōpū Manukura.

This uniqueness is built on a historical commitment to the aspiration of Sir Bernard Ferguson, who noted in 1964 that Waikato University would develop to be a leading centre for Māori studies in this country. And that we are!’

‘Nā reira ki ngā iwi o te motu, ki a Tainui, ki a koutou ngā tauira me ngā kaimahi, tēnā koutou e manaaki nei i tō tātou Whare Wānanga, Te Whare Wānanga o Waikato. Mauri tū! Mauri ora!’

Pro Vice-Chancellor (Maori) Prof. Tamati Reedy

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

“We are the only university in Aotearoa with a significant Maori stakeholder group that represents a true Treaty of Waitangi partnership with iwi of the region – this is Te Ropu Manukura.”

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If you know of any gigs or events, send in the details to nexus@waikato.ac.nz. For any possible changes to this list, listen to Contact 88.1 FM

Tuesday July 25th

Saturday July 29th

Coming up – August 4th

The eavesdrop listening party If you are interested in previewing new music by awesome bands head along to the Eavesdrop Listening Party at The Wine Cellar (St Kevin’s Arcade, K Rd, Auckland) from 7-11pm.

American Hardcore This is not a gig, it’s a film. American Hardcore is a part of the Auckland international film festival and is a document of the hardcore movement in America. The film looks at the bands who were influential in this time and at movements that followed hardcore such as ‘straight edge’. I have read the book that this film is based on and it is

Wai taiko drummers will be playing in garden place at 5:30 pm on the 4th of August.

They are playing for Amnesty International’s “Freedom Week” so come along enjoy the show and help out a really good cause.

Saturday 12th August 2006 - A Low Hum Presents Jakob + - 6PM Start.

Hamilton Film Society Hamilton Film Society meets at 8pm every Tuesday at Victoria Cinema. Intending members can sign up on screening nights or call Andrea Haines on 839-5932. Student subscriptions are $85 full year or $45 half year. 3-screening Flexi tickets are also available for $25.

Wednesday July 26th Zebra Jazz band Zebra play at The Cook, Cook Street, Hamilton East every Wednesday night from 8pm.

Thursday July 27th The Tuesdays The Tuesdays are playing at Vesbar – AUT, Wellesley St Campus, Auckland. They will be joined by friends Cobra Khan & Kitsch.

Most Precious Blood Most Precious Blood are joined by New Way Home, Capone, Ryan & The Rockets King’s Arms Tavern, Auckland 8pm $20 (R18)

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Friday July 28th Inverse Order This is the after-party for the Arctic Monkeys gig.

The Arctic Monkeys will be opening this show.

Free Powertool Records CD with entry. The show is at the St. James Theatre in the Grand Circle, entrance on Lorne St, Auckland.

Most Precious Blood Hardcore band Most Precious Blood are joined

by Hamilton’s own Antagonist, The B.A.Ys Brick vs Face and GWAJ for an amazing show at Upsett Records, Victoria Street, Hamilton. This show will cost $20 and will be well worth it!

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fantastic! I suggest you go and check American Hardcore out at the Sky City Cinemas in Auckland.

9.15pm start The Tuesdays Auckland band The Tuesdays will be joined

by Johnnie Rose and the Bengal Lights for an incredible show at the Kings Arms Tavern in Auckland.

Most Precious Blood Hardcore kids Most Precious Blood are playing again. This time they are joined by Antagonist, False Start and Second Theory at the Ellen Melville Hall, Auckland $15 (AA). You HAVE to get to one of these shows. They will be so much fun!

30th – 31st July Special film screenings: Victoria Cinema, Hamilton Film Society and the Waikato Historical Society in conjunction with the The Film Archive presents ALL ABOUT THE WAIKATO - 1931-1971. This is a collection of historical film footage and includes gems such as ‘Highlights of the annual Girls High School inter-sports meeting at Hamilton, 1946’, ‘Hamilton County Bluegrass Band 1968’ and ‘SPRINGBOKS v WAIKATO JUNE 9 1956’. It should actually be pretty fascinating.

Sunday 30th July at 10.30am, 1pm & 5.45pm, Monday 31st July at 5.45pm.

Screening at: VICTORIA CINEMA 690 Victoria Street Hamilton. $12 adults, $5 children.

Bookings phone 838 3036

Sunday 13th August 2006 - Not OK + Guests.

Friday 18th August Antagonist CD Release Saturday Oct 14th 2006 - Scum System Kill (Aus) + Guests.

More arts/theatre Te Pua Wananga Ki Te Ao – Manawataki - Rhythms of the Whenua Calder & Lawson Gallery & Telecom Playhouse Foyer, Academy of Performing Arts, Waikato University.

Running from now until 27th July.

Cost: Koha.

Manawataki is a contemporary Maori visual and performance art exhibition that celebrates the rhythms of the whenua and our connection to the land. Featuring a wide selection of Maori artists working in a diverse range of media.

Exit 2nd Banana is a pick-a-path murder mystery set in a circus and is brought to you by the producers of Couch Soup and Good as Gold.

This is a new type of theatre, home grown in the Waikato, a murder mystery where you, the audience gets to decide who dies and to effect who the murderer will be. FEATURING The South Pacific’s only female lion-tamer, and the mentalist of mentalists, Madame D’Gyp AND FREAKS OF EVERY PERSUASION. See Exit 2nd Banana in Otorohanga 28-29th July, Te Awamutu Aug 10 and 12th, Cambridge August 18-19. Check out www.itcket.co.nz for more details.

Gigs and Events

Reviewed by Tovah Reed

So there I strolled within Altitude, enjoying a magical nyte. ‘Twas full of music, song and dance accompanied by a choir, three violins and a random harmonica. Then all of a sudden my ears were awakened by an awesome-kiwi-rockingband which made me realise I wasn’t in the 15th century anymore, I was at an Elemeno P concert!

I ran from one side of the room yelling “good lord, help me, help me!” and then was pushed to my doom amongst growling hungry wolves or as citizens twice my age would say “pin cushioned twats out to have sex and control the universe”.

Reviewed By Jesse Wilson

of the people of Laramie in the year following Matthew’s death.

From the first to the third of June this year, third year students enrolled in the Theatre Studies Play Production paper, along with the help of four first year students and five additional

Well if you know me pretty well I’m not really like this. I’m not even from the 15th century but I did, however, attend the Elemeno p concert for some of the night and enjoyed a good ‘jump up and down’ until my head caught up with my trampoline-like legs, causing me to think through

Elemeno P sung, banged and strummed their way through a great night at Altitude and from the look of the crowd that accompanied me in many jumps, screams and whatnots, created a great party-like concert and finished..well I wasn’t quite there to see the finish but I’m guessing like always, they finished it off with a bang!

Good work Elemeno P, you all deserve a cold one.

community actors and lecturers, performed their

forgotten about by the town and the media. This

version of ‘The Laramie Project’, directed by Gaye Pool. Eighteen actors play over sixty different characters or voices, an incredibly demanding feat as each actor involved with the production is playing between one and six characters each

brings you back to the beginning of the play when Bill McKinney, father of the accused Aaron McKinney, makes the statement that had it been a heterosexual victim who had been beaten, no one would have heard about it, but because

and needs to be able to focus on character differentiation, voice gesture and differences in costume. There was variety in the actors’ experience but I found that they all gave extremely professional, passion-filled performances.

With ‘The Laramie Project’, the Tectonic Theatre Project set out to both examine the subject matter of the play as well as to explore the use of language and form. It questions such subjects as bigotry, homophobia, racism and tolerance in a community which is full of incredibly diverse, real people. The documentary style of the play, how it was set out as a series of ‘moments’, made it a very personal experience. I found it moving to be able to get insight into the thoughts and actions

Mathew had been gay, Aaron was condemned from the start.

The story is a thought-provoking piece which makes you wonder if things like what happened with Mathew Sheppard could still happen in our community in today’s age, and how would we deal with it? I’d like to think it couldn’t, but even in the question and answer session following the night’s performance, there were people who knew of people who had been victims of similar hate crimes. ‘The Laramie Project’ was definitely a piece worth seeing, an amazing story delivered beautifully by a well-adept cast and crew, resulting in a rich theatre experience with ideas that will stay with me for a while.

of so many different characters, and to be able to watch the growth of the characters from their initial views to their opinions a year later.

A major moment within the play which really makes you think is another murder in town which happened about the same time as the Mathew Sheppard incident, but which was almost

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

On October 7, 1998, a young gay university student named Mathew Shepard was found savagely beaten outside of Laramie, Wyoming.

The story of his brutal attack shocked the nation, and created a media frenzy. Shortly after the beating, fellow Laramie residents Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson confessed to beating Mathew and an arraignment was later held. For five days America and the rest of the world watched with baited breaths, praying for Mathew’s survival. On October 12, Mathew died.

The event of Mathew’s brutal attack deeply affected those who heard of it .In the aftermath of the beating, members of the Tectonic Theatre Project made several trips to Laramie and conducted over 200 interviews. ‘The Laramie Project’ uses these accounts to create an incredible piece of theatre chronicling the life

two decisions - throwing up or going outside for fresh air. Note to self: Don’t go bowling prior to a concert and drink unknown bottles of weird Dutch names. Note to others: don’t go bowling when Tovah’s on the premises who’s drunk unknown named drinks and has people’s removable balls in her hands (Stop thinking dodgy!) Anyway, noticing Scotty upon the stage beating the drums senseless I did wonder if I would receive a shout out. Obviously I didn’t, unfortunately, but I’ll be ok although I’m still recovering from such sadness.

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WSU President Congratulations go out to Jolene Henry and George Bridgewater who took out the two top awards of Maori Sportsperson of the Year and Sportsperson of the Year at the Annual NZ Universities Blues Awards held at Te Papa in Wellington. I was both honoured and proud to be representing Waikato University and celebrating its high achievements in Wellington on Friday night, and hope to be presenting these awards to both athletes as soon as they arrive back in the Waikato to accept them.

Enrol with SJS before the end of July and go into a draw to win $50 Bennetts vouchers.

These people really wanna help you get some

work! They are even providing incentives, just for you people to go in and put your names down.

Te Wiki o Te Reo I recently had the opportunity to be on Mai Time in their quest to find out how much Te Reo Maori people in general use in their daily lives. Although I don’t have the talent or the knowledge to speak Te Reo fluently, I still feel that using the limited vocabulary that I have in every day situations is vital to my identity as a New Zealander. It’s part of what makes us unique as a society and a country overall, so why not practice it, use it, and own it?

Sehai Orgad Seriously, if you haven’t done so before, say “kia ora” when you answer the phone, learn how to pronounce “Te Whare Wananga o Waikato” when talking about your university, and be proud and confident about it. The language is there for all of us to learn and to use, and besides, it’s always good to pick up another language and another skill - we are in a learning environment after all.

Vice-President

Carl Gordon

A ‘unique’ Waikato experience?

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

In Nexus 13 I reported on surveyed student experiences at Australian Universities. Areas of discontent for students were assessment, standards, marking, expectations, management, feedback, student support, and course structure. Interestingly, our University has been told to do a similar survey.

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This is fundamental stuff they’ve been getting wrong.

The NZ Academic Audit Unit published its

The Teaching and Learning Development Unit (in the Library) is vital. It needs “resource and specialist staff most appropriate for the Unit to assist … in providing the most effective professional development for staff as well as learning support for students”. TLDU should

report on the UoW in January. It evaluated (a) teaching quality, (b) programme delivery, and (c) achievement of learning outcomes. How did the UoW perform? Badly, overall.

ensure compulsory staff induction, and all teaching and tutoring staff receive, or have when appointed, adequate training in tertiary teaching.

“There is insufficient oversight of progress of the whole institution towards achieving its stated objectives”. “The implementation and monitoring of central policies are devolved and lacking in consistency”. “A comprehensive institutional quality assurance system is required”. The University lacks “effective indicators of quality in teaching and learning”. It needs proper benchmarking on all academic and administrative fronts, with more thorough and regular reviews of all academic programmes.

The report also requires the benchmarking of student services so it: (i) gives priority to the administration of a generic survey of student learning experience, experience of support services and global university experience, with additional focussed questions for specific services, (ii) designs the items and scales of the instrument (or instruments) to allow comparisons and benchmarking with national

and international data, (iii) ensures management accountability for effecting improvement to address the concerns of students raised in the survey(s).

It further seeks development and implementation of policies to ensure and monitor: (i) that assessment is being applied that is at appropriate levels commensurate with the workload associated with papers and linked to the learning outcomes of papers, (ii) that the communication of assessment requirements is clear and the feedback to students is quality assured to be both useful and supplied in time for students to be able to apply the results.

So far, the UoW only aims for the student experience to be ‘unique’. It’s time for wider aims, a proper survey, better policies, and effective management.

Disabled Students’ Officer Tena koutou katoa, and warm greeting to all What’s on in my sector of the woods that is of interest?

I went to an interesting workshop the other weekend. Saturday morning was spent liaising with some successful people who, impairments withstanding, manage successful businesses. The object of this workshop was for some of Waikato University’s very own SIFE (Students In Free Enterprise) to gain feedback on a project they are undertaking to assist those of us with impairments in setting up and running businesses. Nice work! Keep it up.

By all means log in and offer some feedback - www.bizability.org. This site has links to aid in setting things up, where to go, but most valuable of all is looking at providing the

opportunity to chat in a forum with others who a have been in a similar situation.

Child, Youth & Family are looking at improving support for disabled parents. They would therefore like to talk with disabled parents who have been involved with Child, Youth and Family and/or are receiving parenting support services.

Jeff Hawkes 100 years by holding a series of public lectures by international dementia specialist Dr Steven DeKosky.

Looks like they forgot about Waikato University. Only Auckland, Wellington and Canterbury, get the word.

The Health Workforce Advisory Committee

And last but not least, 27 -29 July 2006 is the fourth International Conference of the Phobic

(HWAC) has been tasked with preparing recommendations for the Minister of Health by the end of August 2006 on priority activities to develop the support workforce required to deliver future care and support services in the community, in particular, aged care and disability support services.

Trust of New Zealand Inc. ‘Anxiety @ The Core’.

The conference will be held at the Bruce Mason Centre, North Shore Auckland and will explore the role of anxiety disorder, as the “core” of contemporary social and personal issues. For further information see www. phobic.org.nz.

Alzheimer’s New Zealand are marking their

Cheers all, power to yer studying.

GLBT Officer

Megan Moffet

Thoughts on being out gay/lesbian etc. I feel confidant that I can deal with anything.

In some ways I expected this, but it did come as a bit of a shock in the beginning. After doing this job for 1 ½ years I have become used to it, and used to the benefits that go with it.

I don’t often feel the stress that most queer people feel when they meet a new person, about how they will react if they find out I am

The way you react to somebody telling you they are queer, directly or indirectly, can influence whether or not they tell other people. When you respond positively it boosts their self-belief, and the opposite is also true. The confidence to be open about yourself leads to confidence in all other areas of your life, so therefore is

I believe that most successful queer people reach the point of being so out that it really doesn’t matter anymore. It is a spectacularly freeing feeling that means you can focus on the other things in your life. It is the lack of such a feeling that leads many young queer people to depression and sometimes even suicide.

very important especially to those struggling with self identity.

As a side benefit, being out to the general population makes it much easier for a queer person to approach a relationship.

In fact, being the GLBT officer is how I met my girlfriend! She suggests that if you want a girlfriend/boyfriend, run for my job next election. However, just being comfortable with yourself is a very sexy characteristic - a queer job is an optional extra.

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Being the GLBT Officer on the WSU has changed many areas of my life. Choices that queer people face in every area of their lives are often taken away from me. I didn’t choose to come out to work mates when I switched jobs earlier this year - they all knew in a few weeks because many of the other workers are students as well. I didn’t choose to come out to my aunt, she saw me in the paper advertising a queer radio show I do as part of the GLBT role.

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International Students’ Officer

Sonja Gruebmejer

What is Student Politics?

What is Student Politics? Honestly, I don’t know, although I’ve been doing it for a few years now. When I started in 1999 at my first university in Germany, student politics was organizing parties to pay for the posters and signs for protest – and rounding up students for this protest.

There are two major problems in student politics: money and students. Both are not easy to come by. Thus the endless ‘beer for one dollar’- parties to secure some funding.

Here in New Zealand, money is not the main problem. WSU has some funds to do protesting and run all these nice little amenities like clubs grants, the hardship fund and the good old barbecue. The only problem WSU has is lack of interested students. Students are actually much harder to come by than money, even if you are not willing to sell one of your kidneys.

I’m just experiencing it with my international student day. Thousands of international students on campus and ONE has designed a poster? Geeeeeeeezzz, makes it hard running

any projects. I will have to cancel the whole thing, if nobody else is handing in posters this week. Which will makes me sad and a little bit angry. Sad, because I liked my idea, although I seem to be the only person who does; and angry, because at some point, students have to show their presence on campus, or university councils do what they can do best: ignore them.

The only reason why student unions here and all over the world are successful is the threat of bad publicity. It sounds funny, but students walking down the main street in town – this is what university chancellors don’t like to have happen. This force is what makes universities listening to the union representatives. Student protest and activity is what constitutes your overwhelming power over your university administration. Grandparenting at this university was possible, because international students went protesting, and it worked.

Yay! Everyone, who has read the news in the last issue: Waikato has a grandparenting scheme too, not only Massey (do your

Mature Students’ Officer

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

International student fees will be raised at this university as well, and although your fees are protected by grandparenting, they will do a light-year-jump up for everyone else, including you, if you need more time for your degree than the scheduled time the university has in mind. Just think about it for a moment.

And next time, you find yourself complaining about the food, or the library, one or two of your lectures, or again about the weather – come along and get yourself involved.

Together we can change everything.

For complaints about fees, hidden costs and food prizes --> WSU 8569139 For complaints about the weather --> phone the pope for guidance : Vatican Switchboard: +39.06.6982, http://www.vatican.va/faq/ index_en.htm

Vincent Malcolm-Buchanan

Karawhuia ki a koutou katoa mo te wiki o te reo.

people?

When single people get home at the end of a long day, they look in the fridge and decide to go straight to bed. When married people get home at the end of a long day they look in the bed and decide to go straight to the fridge!

Portfolio Representatives – I have every confidence that your presence on the Executive can only contribute positively to the pursuits of the entire student body.

To students of all creeds and cultures, may you enjoy the vast and varied national and local celebrations of this, the festive week acknowledging the indigenous language of Aotearoa New Zealand - it has been a journey long fought and hard won.

Thank you also to those observant students who wisely removed the fridge/freezer from ALMS Common Room to defrost. We are looking at an immediate alternative to the situation, but for the moment regrettably, we have to make do with what we have.

ALMS Committee notices will be posted as soon as practicable – please consider nominees for the positions of President, Secretary and Treasurer.

Why are married people ‘heavier’ than single

Congratulations to the newly elected WSU

“He tini ngā whetū e ngaro I te kapua iti.”

“Many stars can be concealed by a small cloud”.

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homework, Matt from ASPA!).

Have a great week - one and all!

Kia ora.

Introducing the new...

Environmental Officers Tena Koutou Enviropeepz, Environment is a word starting with E, and to us E is more than just a letter - it signals the start of words such as excitement, enthusiasm, entertainment, endurance, enterprise, effort and execution. So in the spirit of the letter E, we would like to introduce ourselves. In the blue corner, weighing in at a reputable 75% water, is Envirowhets (pronounced in-vi-ro-fet-s) and in the red corner, standing an incredible 5ft, is Enviropene (Pronounced in-vi-ro-pen-e) and our job is to bring an environmental spin to your way of life.

To brush in the new era of freshness, Envirowhets has decided to go for a swim in our very own Lake, on the condition however that he is joined by our Vice Chancellor. So an open invitation is hereby sent to the VC to come for a dip. Meanwhile Enviropene is scheming for our very own set of events.

These will be based on the concept of Ora or ‘wellness’. The three events we are looking at are • Wai-ora – Wellbeing of the water • Rakau Ora – Wellbeing of the trees • Kia Ora – Human wellbeing

Ben Delaney & Whetu Taukamo between us to better the environment. This week it’s physical with both of us eating only fruit and raw vegetables from Wednesday to Wednesday with a payment due should one of us be caught cheating. Open to all who want to participate… if you wanna join in drop us an e-mail too: environment@wsu.org.nz.

Until the next episode, Na Maua Envirowhets & Enviropene

Each week we will be taking on challenges ... and the new...

Sports Officers Kia ora koutou, I am back this semester but sharing this role now with Matangaro. Thank you to all of you who voted for me in the last Student General Meeting. There have been quite a lot of meetings already and I think last week and this week will be mostly about settling into the role and reacquainting myself with the mechanics of Sport and Recreation on campus. That said, there are a couple of events coming up that you should be getting ready for. The University Games for Fijian Students start on

Paora Mato & Matangaro Paerau

24 August in Christchurch. This is immediately followed by the NZ University Winter Games in Cardrona starting 26 August and running for a week. Yep, it’s a month away but you best get cracking if you plan on going. In the meantime I’ll catch up with our Clubs Development Officer, Phil Gilbert, and find out all the good news – probably over a quiet beer or two.

Nice work Elmo and Ngawai for the Re-O Week happenings in the Don Llewellyn bar. Monday’s comedian night was hilarious and Kora was huge, Thursday and Friday were a bit hazy

though. Also a special mihi to Megan who was selected to the position of National co-ordinator for Uni-Q – if you wanna know what that is come into the WSU and ask.

OK, ‘nuf from me - settle into your studies well and have a great semester.

Hei konā

And the rest of the fine people at the WSU are ...

Tauranga Officer Andrew McKenna

Women’s Issues Officer Kim Armstrong

Education Officer Andrew Pritchard

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Campaigns Officer Jade & Joseph

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Maori Students’ Officer Kia Ora te whanau,

Te Wiki O Te Reo Maori ‘Kōrero Māori, Give it a go/ Kia kaha ake!’

Wed 25 July 2006 Students are invited to the banks for a sausage sizzle to celebrate Te Wiki o te reo Maori. There is of course the free give aways for those students who walk up to our lovely hostess ‘Moana Parker’ and use a Māori phrase (please keep this clean for all those of you who are proficient in the reo).

‘A wise old owl once said that if you think that something is funny and that it is good for a

Renee Rewi

laugh – more than likely it isn’t’

paid first goes basis so be in quick.

Attention All Maori Tauira!

Te Huinga Tauira will be held in Wellington this year from the 23rd of August to the 27th August. A proposal to send 40 students is going to the WSU executive on Friday 21st July. If this proposal is accepted we will have approved funding to send 40 students to Wellington.

So if you see posters around the campus on Monday you will know that it’s all on! You can also check in at the WSU where you can get registration forms and te huinga tauira agenda.

The registrations will open on Wednesday 26th July and close Friday August 4th. The cost to you as a student will be $20.00 provided the WSU executive accepts the proposal on Friday 21st July. Because we can take only 40 people selection will be made on a first

Note: Terms and conditions may apply Any questions please contact Renee Rewi the WSU Maori Students Officer at maori@wsu. org.nz

Nexus’ Guide To Singing The National Dirge In Maori Ever had to mouth along at anthem time because you weren’t sure of the words? After a good NZ upbringing, you probably know the first and last lines at least, but may be a bit hazy on the middle bits. Fake it no longer! Here’s a helpful cut-out guide to the national anthem’s Maori lyrics.

Maori lyrics to the national anthem

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

‘E Ihoa Atua, O nga Iwi Matou ra, Ata whaka rongona; Me aroha noa.

Kia hua ko te pai; Kia tau to atawhai; Manaakitia mai Aotearoa’

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Here’s the English translation of that, incidentally, I kinda prefer it to all the ‘bonds’ and ‘entreating’.

O Lord, God, Of all people Listen to us, Cherish us May good flourish, May your blessings flow Defend Aotearoa

Send your notices of 100 words or less to nexus@waikato.ac.nz, or drop into box at WSU reception. Deadline is 5pm Tues.

Easy going flatmate wanted - share with two 3rd year students, nice house with medium sized room. 15 mins walk to uni. $105 p/w (includes rent and power). Ph 021 2997638 or 021 1252144 Teehee…these guys said ‘ass’…

‘Heya, can you please put this ass in the next nexus, thanks!

accommodation available at student village.

Wicked room position, fully catered. $180 p/w.

Ph/text 0273506709 or email cmk10@waikato. ac.nz Flatmate wanted $130 p/w includes rent food sky and power. Claudelands area, huge house, central heating, dishwasher etc etc. See Kirsty at WSU reception or email wsu@wsu.org.nz.

YOU KNOW YOU WANNA..... come be our new flatmate. Nice newish 4bdrm house in Dinsdale, on quiet street. We are 18-21, guys, girls; workers and students. $130/week for everything; (rent, power, fone, net, lawns, food), or

Flatmate wanted - Fox st house to share with 3 others (2 male, 1 female). Sunny, warm, modern house. SKY TV, WALK TO UNI, OSP. $87.50/wk + exp. Contact Ryan on 0274176438

u can buy ur own food. Fone/txt Shari, 8476924 0212062604’

2 female flatmates wanted: $90 week includes power and rent. 4 bedroom house, walking distance to Uni and to town.

Spacious indoor and outdoor living.

Currently 2 fun and friendly female students living in the house. Bond $240 per person.

Phone 8535288 or 0274106665 Aliesha

18-24y/o guy flatmate wanted. $110 p/w rent, food, power, phone in Ham east. Very clean, social, outgoing flat. Preferably active, enjoys sports. To live with two girls contact sarah 0274634535

Freshwater pearl necklace 30cm $15 Gold dolphin earrings $5 (ex-MHJ). Brazilian Gold and silver star earring/necklace set $15 (or $5 earrings, $10 necklace) Metal (?) dolphin bracelet $2, $30 for the lot. Ph or TXT Deanna 0276351108 to view MCOM233: Public Relations Practices Public Relations, the Profession and the Practice (2004) PAID $111.59 sell for $60 MCOM 235: Media and Public Relations Public Relations Writing and Media Techniques (2005) PAID $95.39 sell for $50 o.n.o Save your money for the things you really want.

Dee – 027 257 44 31 dkt5@waikato.ac.nz

Jewellery for sale

The Female Swedish Beach volleyball team will be touring nz and needs weekend accommodation. If you can accommodate one or two young ladies for the weekend of the 29th & 30th of July, please send an email with your details to jrr9@waikato.ac.nz.

Fridays at 7pm, Lady Goodfellow Chapel (opposite Uni Rec gym). Christians and non-Christians are welcome. Contact: h_icf@yahoo.com

Waikato University Pagan Society This week’s topic: Reincarnation Wednesdays, 1-2pm in J.B.07

Are you….

Interested in exploring your own spirituality?

Interested in learning about different spiritual perspectives and practices?

Interested in sharing your experiences of being a spiritual being on a human path?

Come and share in our meeting discussions and workshops

500 Card Tournament Prize for the winners Wednesday 26th July 7:30pm-10pm In the downstairs part of WSU building $2 entry pay at the door Register at wsu500@gmail.com Meet people and prove your skills.

Limited numbers so register now!

Club Notices Amnesty Notice: There will be a meeting for the Amnesty International University group on Wednesday the 26th July in the Guru Lounge at 1 pm.

Come along for some fun and learn about Human Rights and the world around us. Find out about how it relates to you and also your studies. See you there.

Come and make friends from different parts of the world ! For fun, games, fellowship & dinner, check out International Christian Fellowship on

Upcoming Campus Movies The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift Tuesday 25 July

Friday 28 July

Tuesday 1 August

Wednesday 2 August

X-Men 3: The Last Stand

Thursday 3 August Friday 4 August Tuesday 8 August UNIVERSIT Y OF WAIKATO · GATE ONE, KNIGHTON ROAD · L BLOCK · L1 at 8PM

ADMISSION: $6 with ID card (Student/Uni Staff/Alumni Member)

We’ll help you get the grades you want by proofreading, editing and revising your assignments for you.

Visit us at www.editwrite.co.nz When you write wrong, we right the wrongs

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Ice Age: The Melt Down Thursday 27 July

Is yr spelin as apawling as ths sentins is?

Wednesday 26 July

FOR UPDATES AND OTHER INFORMATION CHECK OUT

HTTP://CAMPUS-MOVIES.WAIKATO.AC.NZ

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More Re-Orientation Pix More Re-Orientation Pix More Re-Orientation Pix More Re-Orientation Pix

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Taken by Matt, Carl, Dawn, Josh and Rocky.

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Columns

Hello out there in lectureland. Today is a very special day because this is a very special feature. Do you know why? It’s because in the final of Lost, they found out that the button is real and the last time it wasn’t pushed it caused a huge electromagnetic disturbance that caused the plane to crash. That’s right kids, this article is aerodynamic because it is all about spoilers. I’m sure you all know that: Darth Vader is Anakin Skywalker, Italy wins the 2006 World Cup, Sephiroth kills Aeris in ‘Final Fantasy VII’, Bruce Willis is a ghost the whole time in ‘The Sixth Sense’, it turns out Vebrbal is Keyser Soze in ‘The Usual Suspects’, Rosebud is the name of Citizen Kane’s sled from his childhood, Deckard is a replicant in ‘Bladerunner’, The guy gets his brother and a few other people out at the end of ‘Prison Break’, Master Miller is actually Liquid Snake in ‘Metal Gear Solid’, Xavier dies but then isn’t actually dead in ‘X-Men 3’, Sam dies in ‘My Brother Sam is Dead’, Severus Snape kills Dumbledore, Napoleon the pig starts talking and everything goes back to the way it was in Animal Farm, Winston ends up loving Big Brother in ‘1984’, V dies at the end of ‘V for Vendetta’, it was all a dream in ‘He-man and the Masters of the Universe’, Aslan was Jesus all along, the Titanic hits an ice-berg, Raiden is receiving his orders from an AI in ‘Sons of Liberty’, Kirk finds Spock in ‘The Search For Spock’, and Soylent Green is made of PEOPLE!!!!

But what you probably didn’t know is: It was Professor Plum in the basement with the candlestick, there weren’t any WMDs, Neo dies at the end of Matrix 3, The Village is actually in a forest in a modern-day wildlife park, Damien dies at the end of the Omen 3 and Jesus is reborn - contrary to the Bibles prophecy, Goku dies (heaps), John Connor is killed in the future by the Terminator,

Emo, or “Emotional Hardcore,” is a bizarre mixture of punk and goth, with a wanky, whiny twist. Emo kids traditionally come from “broken homes” and “dysfunctional families” in Callum Brae. Or in other words “Dr Mummy, Daddy QC and two six figure.” The only “dole” they know is the brand of pineapples.

The average emo kid is about 5 foot eleven inches and looks slightly malnourished, weighing around 55-60kg, (the same as our boss’ dog). More often than not they are blessed with a name describing their woeful rich-arse family situation, with names such as Chester Bennington III or Pierre Bouvier being common. An emo kid’s wardrobe consists of tight, black jeans (available at your local obscenely expensive clothing store) and a tight black t-shirt adorning the logo of their favourite emo band such as AFI, Dashboard Confessional, and My Chemical Romance.

The music the average emo kid will listen to is representative of themselves; whiny, self-loathing and wanky. Emo bands like Panic!, At the Disco and Lost Prophets stress the importance of “closing the goddamn door” and “standing on the rooftops.” Their music encapsulates the wonder of everyday experiences, an alien concept to the average emo kid. The music of these bands, and others like A Simple Plan and Underöath also discuss the pressing issues of Generation Y-Me? - “Waaa! I’m so lonely” and “Waaa! My iPod can only hold 30 gigabytes of music, instead of 60”. You know, pressing issues.

For an example of an emo kid, we suggest you visit your local café. Look for the gang of youths wearing black and crashing into tables because their long, straight, black hair obscuring one side of their face is affecting their peripheral vision.

Emo kids: Sullen, morose, whiny and wanky. But, at least now you know how to spot one. However, should one attempt to brood in your direction and complain about their life to you, simply whine “I’m just a notch in your bedpost, but you’re just a line in a song” and they will proceed past you without disruption.

Warning: The previous paragraphs contain spoilers.

Enjoy!

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Kadaj becomes Sephiroth, the aliens in ‘Signs’ get killed by water, Norman Bates’ mother is actually dead in the basement – he dresses in her clothes and kills people, The Planet of the Apes is actually Earth in the future, Jack Sparrow dies in Pirates of the Caribbean 2 so they team up with Barbarossa and the voodoo lady to bring him back, Sin is actually Jecht in Final Fantasy X, Mr Glass set up the train crash in ‘Unbreakable’, Spiderman shows the world his identity, Jesus gets crucified, Hitler kills himself before the Allies can get to his bunker, the Brotherhood of NOD take over the Soviet Union in ‘Red Alert’, Tyler and the Narrator are the same person in ‘Fight Club’, the chick in ‘The Crying Game’ is a cross-dressing guy, Hilary Swank is paralysed and has the plug pulled in ‘Million Dollar Baby’, Godot never arrives in ‘Waiting For Godot’, and everyone claims to be Spartacus so they can’t kill the real Spartacus.

Welcome to Chuck and Benjo’s Guide to Society! Each week we’ll cast a roving eye on a different sub group in society. This week we examine the desolate wasteland of morbidity and tight jeans that are the Emo Kids.

EVEN COWS GET A LITTLE SAD

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Columns

Every good driver knows their limitations, and knows when and where to push them. If you drive a car, you can’t argue that it’s a great feeling when you pull off a tricky manoeuvre. Of course, for some people this may only be a 3-point turn or hill start. But for others, it could be when you drift past someone on the outside lane of a roundabout, or duck into a side road when you just roared past a cop at 100mph. Though the latter may be considered illegal by anyone who knows the law, it’s important to remember that to become a better driver, you need to keep pushing your limitations.

‘Travel’ “A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.” Lao Tzu Travel seems to be the one thing we all dream of, or at least a large majority. Whether it’s skiing in Canada, traveling to Thailand, sitting in a Café on the Champs Elysees in France, going on a safari in the Kalahari Desert or relaxing in the sun on a remote island in the Pacific Ocean, most people have somewhere they would love to travel to. But what about the word itself?

However, as much as I support the ideology of getting a race car and learning on the track, in reality this is very expensive. Thus for those of us that don’t have thousands of dollars to spend, getting a race car isn’t really an option, so in order to become good drivers we have to try things on the road that may be outside of the law. This makes the cops seem like the enemies, since they give us fines when they catch us. Of course they’re just doing their job, it’s not really their fault. Plus they can’t make such things legal, because then everyone would crash into one another, and the road toll would increase exponentially.

However, a good driver knows not just to push their limitations, but when and where to do it. You wouldn’t try to take an 85kmh corner at 110 in the rain at night with oncoming traffic, but you might try it in the day when it’s dry and there’s no one around, and only if you know you can already take it at 100. It’s important to become a good driver, and it’s even more important to stay alive, but it’s even more important to make sure other people on the road stay alive as well; the last thing you want to do is go and kill someone because you screwed up.

Pushing your limitations doesn’t mean you go and try to do something

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

that’s way beyond your capacity. You do it in stages, little by little, and it takes time; you can’t just expect to be an instant Possum Bourne. That’s why they say “You can’t beat experience”.

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The word ‘travel’ was originally the same as the word travail but over time has evolved into a separate form due to syllable stress and differing pronunciation. Travail was originally borrowed in the 12th century directly from Old French , where it meant “suffering or painful effort”, however the word travail appears to have been applied to today’s modern concept of the word, a journey, as early as 1375 (late 12th century). One may be inclined to think that, due to the original Old French definition, there were negative connotations attached to the idea of journeying, but this does not seem to be the case. Perhaps it is simply a link to the fact that traveling was undoubtedly very dangerous over 600 years ago.

Unlike many words which have been in use in English for a long time, ‘travel’, surprisingly has not changed its meaning. While it was indeed used to mean “suffering” and “trouble”, it has, since around the time it was borrowed (naturally it is impossible to know exactly), also been used to mean “the act of journeying”. Even 600 years later ‘to travel’ is still to embark on a journey, it’s just slightly easier now. Gone are the days when one had to walk for days to get to the nearest city - now you can just jump on a plane and be virtually anywhere in the world with a 48 hours!

My point in outlining the history of the word ‘travel’ is to make you aware that this word you use so easily to name that trip you are planning to take has been on its own journey too. Travel seems to appeal in so many ways to New Zealanders, especially younger generations who are (much to their parents’ disappointment) leaving the country en masse. Perhaps it is because we are much more isolated from other cultures, down in the bottom of the Southern Hemisphere (at least physically), or perhaps it’s the attraction of better paying jobs. Whatever the reason you travel, remember Lao Tzu’s advice “A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.” It’s all about the journey!

Columns

Well, you didn’t ask for me and now I am back! I sensed you were all sad from my non-inclusion in last week’s issue so here I am to confirm your fears about the future—AH! I mean, I am here to do something with your questions about the future but ONLY if they are a Yes/No question! If you have any burning questions, email them to 8ballknowsall@gmail.com and I will most likely answer it and make fun of you...

Magic 8 Ball, I am in a difficult position, and need your council. I am a single guy, and there are three girls I am interested in. The one that I’ve been interested in for a long time has become a good friend, we spend a bit of time together, but she has a boyfriend. Another one happens to be my ball date, and shes single, but she never really seems to express any real interest, so I’m unsure of what to do on this front.

The final girl is one I don’t know anything about; she was in one of my lab streams, and she was very shy. In many ways she reminded me of myself, she was new to uni and didn’t have many friends, so I thought I could befriend her anyways. So I slipped her my number on a scrap of paper at the end of the lab. The trouble is, I haven’t seen her again and she hasn’t txt me, so I fear I may have made a mistake on this front. Which is annoying since it took alot of courage to do that. My yes/no question is, will I ever figure out what to do?

A distressed individual “As I see it, Yes” Your ball date will inevitably part ways with you because of her indifference, your good friend will continue to frustrate with her constant flirting and continual cock-teasing and finally, the shy girl will come back. Girls always wait for the guy, so it’s ok you made the first step. It’s possible she already hates you though so there’s nothing you could do there. Some girls are jerks!

Tip#1: With rising petrol prices you can’t afford to drive everywhere anymore, well, kill two birds with one stone! And after you kill the birds, push your car to your destination thus saving gas money and toning your ass.

(Version A) Dear Mother, In law, there is nothing to make me say thank you, but the quality of your gifts compels me at least to write to tell you how I feel. Thank you so much for the presents! I was expecting nothing more than a token yet, again, you have exceeded even your own incredible standards.

It was a shame you had to stay here for such a short time. I thought I might have coped, but it was unbearable seeing you leave. The relief was immense when I heard we might see you again soon. I wanted to end it all by saying goodbye now. I hope I will not have to say it to you again for a long time. If you have the opportunity to spend Christmas elsewhere next year, please do not.

Much love, Matthew (Version B) Dear Mother-in-Law, There is nothing to make me say thank you, but the quality of your gifts compels me at least to write to tell you how I feel. Thank you? So much for the presents I was expecting. Nothing more than a token, yet again! You have exceeded even your own incredible standards.

It was a shame you had to stay here. For such a short time, I thought I might have coped, but it was unbearable. Seeing you leave, the relief was immense. When I heard we might see you again soon, I wanted to end it all.

By saying goodbye now, I hope I will not have to say it to you again for a long time. If you have the opportunity to spend Christmas elsewhere next year, please do.

Not much love, Matthew This and the other entries can be found here, http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/ hi/magazine/4583594.stm Moral of the story, when you’re all frantically writing those assignments at the last minute, turn off Word’s spell checker and spare a thought for punctuation and grammar…

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Due to very high demand and literally tens of emails this fabulous column is back. You missed it, you cried, well cry no more because it’s back in black.

I can tell that it’s the start of a new semester; has anyone else noticed the huge number of spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors pumped out through my columns in the past couple of weeks? Even for a student magazine, it has been a little embarrassing. Personally, I blame Microsoft and their plethora of irritating auto-[in]correction facilities, not to mention their dictionaries that always seem to revert to US standards.

The thing is that altering punctuation and grammar have a huge impact upon meaning. As you are all fully aware, I am more than capable of making myself look like a cup cake without any assistance from Microsoft.

Still wondering what the hell I’m going on about? Try reading the next two sentences carefully: A woman without her man is nothing.

A woman: without her, man is nothing.

Quite different really; in fact, the BBC magazine held a competition earlier in the year hinged around this idea. Contestants were asked to write a thank you letter for a Christmas gift. One the more entertaining entries read as follows:

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Columns

Poetree If I had time I’d do amazing things, really make a difference and change the world - or at least be a little less lazy. Except any time I have that elusive and precious “spare time” I seem to enjoy spending it doing nothing.

What I’d like to be doing is crafts; I’m not that kinda creative and have a limited attention span but it sounds like a fun thing to do. I could mosaic coffee tables, mirrors and pictures creating wonderful trinkets for Ma and Pa to then hang proudly on the wall.

I’d create childlike masterpieces and sell them for a small fortune, quickly paying off debts like my ever growing student loan and still leaving me with enough cash to buy myself a few gifts.

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

[after the war] from the smoky streets of Siem Reap to the sandstone top of Angkor Wat I found my love in a burning field in a shadow cast by old Pol Pot apsara girl you move so slow your fingers sing in a tourist show in a dance once seen only by the king in a magic heartbeat you became my queen postcard child by the temple door in a land of children after the war in a land of hope a land beat raw

Almost thirteen years ago my grandpa (and best mate) passed away, and last year my grandma caught up with him again, making my dad a fifty-something year old orphan. While cleaning out Grandma’s now empty home, Dad found at the bottom of the wardrobe a Handitube (the cylinder thingy posters live in) and in it… a priceless family heirloom a drawing of “my grandma and grandpa” who, according to the caption, “love to be in their garden”. It was a work of art from when I was four (ish).

apsara girl your gold and pearls your diamond tears from an ancient world your gentle sigh your broken smile c’mon dance on apsara girl

I think it’s cute kept they what is possibly a hideous and insulting picture.

I drew them with only legs, necks, heads and arms (no real torso). My grandma in this picture resembles the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk yet they kept it all these years or they hid it and forgot about it.

marble kid with the bamboo crutch see how he plays and laughs so much must be a game looks so much fun what a crying shame to die so young

Entering my final semester at Waikato I wish I had that four year old innocence. I gave the picture to my grandparents without for moment

from the karaoke kings of Battumbang to the killing caves of Phnom Sam Pon

thinking that it was a pretty disturbing representation of anybody, let alone my own grandparents. I believed then I could do almost anything I wanted when I grew up. I was even under the impression that I’d grow up to be a tall person.

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apsara girl

As a four year old twenty-two was light years away, and I wasn’t going to grow up but remain a child forever. In the same way I thought people like my Mum and Dad had always been boring adults and simple lied about their so-called childhood. I was going to be a kid forever; I was always going to have fun, know nothing and be perfectly happy.

Not much has changed. I just don’t need a push on the swings, I can do it all by myself.

a land of riches a land so poor

I do believe the rains will come my Buddha says it won’t be long apsara girl your gold and pearls your diamond tears from an ancient world your gentle sigh your broken smile c’mon dance on apsara girl and here’s to you Cambodia soos rai hello I’ve got to go and peace for you Cambodia after the war after the war and here’s to you Cambodia lei hi goodbye I’ve got to fly just peace for you Cambodia after the war after the war - Killer Mime

Columns

Clubs Day

Full Moon Fever

I didn’t even know they had a 9am. Mike and I got to Clubs Day early and there were three Christian clubs set up, bright and early despite the rain.

Today’s going to be a long day. But as soon as we got the stereo set up and the beer flowing at about 10am the day went by real quick. We were just running out at about 11 (we drank so fast) when who turns up but the Rock guys with more beer.

Tom Petty

sign off it and stuck it to Burnsy, but only a woman from one of the banks seemed interested, despite us adding ‘Now disease free’ and ‘I have really big feet…wink wink’. There was a brief split in the ranks when ‘Other Mike’ formed a splinter group and tried to start an ‘Emo Club’ just to spite me. But it all turned out to be a sham, as email addresses such as growmyfringe.com seemed a bit suspect.

The Pantera kept playing and more people signed up. But I got called away to go to a WSU meeting. A painful experience it was and I think I only got through it due to alcohol, although any more and I was going to have to tell them all to chill out. Then I had to go to the first ten minutes of a lecture, which was fairly standard. But I missed the drumming exhibition, so gutted.

When I got back the Christian clubs had obviously done some chanting or something and God had ‘smoted’ Clubs day. Noah’s flood had washed away all the sinners and we had to go.

So we bought more booze and played Guitar Hero till the early hours of the morning, although Burnsy decided it would be better if he played in his boxers. I was worried it was going to turn into a Red Hot Chili Peppers moment, which would’ve been terrible as we didn’t even have any socks.

By the way Guitar Hero sounds like a stupid idea, and actual musicians will hate it but I thought it was cool, with songs like ‘Iron Man’, ‘Fire it Up’ and ‘Symphony of Destruction’. There’s no Metallica on it, but if there was it would probably cost twice as much to cover their ‘costs’ or ‘legal fees’.

Cheers to everyone that turned up and hung round the table. 45 people signed up which brings the tally to 105.

In light of all the anti-American trash going on these days I think it’s time we focused on some good stuff the Yanks have given us. And a small part of that good stuff is Tom Petty’s debut solo album Full Moon Fever. This album was highly successful for Tommy, staying in the Billboard Top Ten chart for over 34 weeks and earning, eventually, 5 times platinum status.

Even though it is seen as a solo album, Full Moon Fever was produced with the help of other well known musicians from Tom’s previous all-star band The Travelling Wilburys, such as Bob Dylan, George Harrison and Roy Orbison. Various members from Tom’s pre-Wilburys band, The Heartbreakers, also participated in the album. Makes you wonder if it should actually be called a ‘solo’ album…

Anyway that aside, Full Moon Fever is a great musical work of art whichever way you look at it. From it comes probably the most well known of Petty’s songs, ‘Free Fallin’. This song uses a simple acoustic riff coupled with offbeat lyrics and was written about a roadie who purchased a keyboard off Tom Petty. I’m not going to go into details because I’m sure no-one cares. Another great song is ‘I Won’t Back Down’ which, after the 9/11 attacks against the USA, became somewhat of defiant anthem in the face of terror. It’s also a great party song that everyone can yell along with.

The other notable song on the album is ‘Runnin’ Down a Dream’, which probably talks about trying to make it in the musician world or Hollywood or something like that.

All in all it is a quality album, sprinkled with touches of The Travelling Wilburys and The Heartbreakers, but keep in mind that this is a single album, not containing all the best Petty songs as the Greatest Hits does (which rocks!).

8

OUT OF 10

Despite having a Korn hoody to give away, we instead took the ‘Win Me’

Reviewed by Macca

Hmmmm, maybe I made the competition too hard last week, because no one entered. Anyway, we’ll try again. This weeks prize, thanks to Radio Hauraki, is The Seeger Sessions CD and DVD set by Bruce Springsteen.

All you have to do is tell me, in 25 words or less, what band/artist you would like to see reviewed in his column and why. Simple really.

Answers to cjw37@waikato.co.nz by midday Tuesday.

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Competition

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ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Comix

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To Grant-kun! Happy incredibly late birthday! - Onawa

Comix

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

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Activities

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Well, maybe not go to the extreme of avoiding all Lion Nathan products but surely voice your discontent to them. Prove that you’re a bit smarter than the dribbling drongo their advertising people think you are!

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Food & Drink

Flat Feed Self Saucing Chocolate Pudding

By Danielle Thomson This is by far my favourite… and there never seems to be enough.

Ingredients 1 cup flour pinch of salt ¼ cup sugar 2 teaspoons baking powder 2 tablespoons cocoa 1 cup chocolate chips (or more if you so wish) 1 egg ½ cup milk 40g butter, melted ½ teaspoon vanilla essence ¾ cup brown sugar 2 tablespoons cocoa 1 cup boiling water Preheat oven to 180 C.

Method Mix together sifted flour, salt, sugar, baking powder and cocoa. Stir in chocolate chips. I like Hersheys semi sweet chocolate chips… but chocolate is chocolate.

Lightly whisk egg and combine with milk, butter and vanilla, gently mix into the dry ingredients.

Pour into a greased oven dish. Sprinkle combined brown sugar and cocoa over the batter and then evenly pour boiling water over the mixture.

Bake for 40-45 minutes until pudding feels firm.

Restaurants

By Hazazel

Romano’s Coffee Lounge Once again choosing from the limited range of places that are open Monday nights, Sam and I decided to get the movie deal from Romanos and see Pirates of The Caribbean. This includes a Village movie ticket (valid for any movie, any time), a $10 main (there aren’t many, but you can pay the difference for a more expensive one), and a drink up to the value of $5. It costs $23.95, so basically it’s just a free drink, but hey.

Three of the most tasty-sounding menu options were unavailable, so Sam went with the fisherman’s basket and an iced chocolate, and I ordered a hot chicken salad and a pineapple juice. I considered ordering some wedges, since I was ravenous, but it wasn’t necessary - our drinks arrived within a few minutes, and the meals within ten.

The drinks were reasonable - my pineapple juice was large and not too acidic, and the iced chocolate was heavy on the ice cream and whipped cream, but a little lacking in real chocolatey flavoury. The mains were quite generously proportioned. Sam’s was a selection of crispy deep-fried goodies - fish fillet, scallops, squid rings, and crab sticks, with a heap of good fries and a nice side salad. Methinks a lot of processing and freezing had passed since this ‘basket’ was near a fisherman, but it still tasted ok, and there was a fair balance of crispy-on-

Tacos 4 Life

the-outside and moist-on-the-inside. A piece of freshly battered fish would have lifted this meal, but as it was, it was ok.

My chicken salad was a nice surprise. Fancy lettuce topped with mesclun, carrot, red cabbage etc, tasty dressing, and a plenty of chicken. The chicken had had some sort of soy marinade, and was cooked to perfection, and drizzled with tasty sauce. A very nice salad. Sam felt that his meal was a little short on mayonnaise, but when he asked for more, they gave him a huge saucerful, so he was appeased.

Despite a late arrival, we finished plenty of time before the movie. We even had time for dessert, had we wanted it. I could have fit it in, but wasn’t impressed enough to try - chances are the desserts are as ‘nice but nothing special’ as the mains. Overall Romano’s was slightly better than I expected... but then, I didn’t expect much. The food is about at the level of a family restaurant like Cobb&Co. - reasonable price, reasonable size, acceptable quality. Romano’s advantages are speed and convenience and the allure of a slightly less expensive dinner-and-a-movie experience. For me, the movie was by far the more exciting half of the evening (Orlando and Johnny swashed their buckles splendidly!).

By C. Norris guidelines to stick to. Mince and cheese are musts, if there is neither of these two then it is not a taco, a layer of salad adds to the flavour immensely, this could include; diced lettuce, grated carrot, avocado, tomato, cucumber, onion (red or white), beetroot, capsicum (red, green or orange), chilli beans (mild or hot), silver beet, spinach, potato, corn, diced cabbage, gherkins, peas (preferably mixed with the mince), jalapenos, mushroom, pineapple, olives, spring onion, chives and a selection of fresh herbs. The resultant combination of the diner’s choice will result in a fine meal for him or her. This is my story, use its wisdom if you wish.

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

In my life I have eaten many tacos. They ranged from delicious to delicious. I have never eaten a taco from a fast food restaurant, such as Taco Bell, nor have I eaten a taco from a proper restaurant. This leaves me with home-made tacos which from my experience are very palatable. The key ingredients to a taco are divided into two groups; the shell and the filling.

The shell can be bought from any supermarket or such shop, I recommend Old el-Paso, or they can be made by hand. I have never seen this done as I am not Mexican. The filling, I find, is the most important element to a high-grade taco. In the end it is the diner’s choice for the art that is the filling, but there are some basic

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Citric

By M. Emery

The wonderful people at Upsett Records have hosted a steady stream of shows at their shop/venue this year and the upcoming months show no sign of abating with the following shows scheduled so far: Fri 28th July: Most Precious Blood (USA) with Gawj, Brick vs Face and Antagonist Sat 12th August: A Low Hum Presents Jakob + Guests. 6PM Start.

Sun 13th August: Not OK + Guests Fri 18th August: Antagonist CD Release Sat 14th October: Scum System Kill (Aus) + Guests All shows are All Ages and usually start early, which is great if you want to get home early to download porn. As well as having local acts on National tours, Upsett have been host to many international acts. For fans of punk and harder edge music this venue is well worth checking out.

Just like John Wayne Bobbit, Dynamo Go lost a member last week but like John they’ll be soldiering on with a show at Sohl on the 4th August with Sunny Tokyo, The Lookie Loos and The Braxton Hicks.

Stylus are out and about promoting their second album Gain Control and pay Hamilton a visit with a show at Diggers on 27th July with special guests, 5 Star Fallout. 5 Star Fallout feature NZ Idol loser Michael Murphy who once attended a gig I played but he departed after a couple songs because we were too HARDCORE for him.

New compilation album: The Hamilton Community Arts Council in association with Airwigg Records are seeking submissions for a new compilation album of bands and acts form Hamilton and the greater Hamilton area. Bands and acts must be active members of the Hamilton music scene, either playing live on a regular basis, or releasing recordings into the public domain. Any bands that wish to be involved with this project should submit songs by the end of July 2006. Only finished recordings will be accepted. This CD is due for release in September of 2006 during Tempo.

All bands are invited to submit up to three songs for selection. The songs must be sent on CD or CD-R format and must be of the highest audio quality.

NO mp3s!

For further info contact Scott Newth by phoning 021 676 903 or emailing sonic@thedatsuns.com. Or, you can send CDs to: Airwigg Records 13 Scott Ave Hamilton This project has a tight deadline so get in quick.

CD Reviews Do Whatever Turns You On Aberfeldy Reviewed by Mo Do Whatever Turns You On is the sophomore release of these twee Scots, a follow-up of their debut Young Forever. Apparently it’s the motto by which they roll, sweet. And it seems that being twee turns them on, because this record is twee. Gentle boy-girl vocals, lulling and rollicking fiddles, bad rhyming and LOVE galore, by jove, is there enough love on this record for Africa or what. Comparisons to fellow Scots Belle & Sebastian are inevitable but they’re not as…bitey as B and S. That said, I like twee. I like all this lovey-dovey poo. It surely turns me on. You know what they say; if it doesn’t make you gag, you’re in for a treat. I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m a little biased because I love this band anyway. Hopefully this was objective enough for you, dear potential listener, to make your own sound (teehee, pardon the pun) judgment on whether to purchase this or not. Do whatever turns you on.

Loose Nelly Furtado Reviewed by M. Emery Nelly Furtado’s third album sees her collaborate with mighty producer Timbaland, and concoct some sultry results. They’ve produced an album more in touch with Furtado’s hip-hop influences than her previous efforts. Fuzzy bass synths and 80s electronica colour this album as well as Timbaland’s typically phat hip-hop beats. Furtado has never been shy of incorporating her Portuguese roots into her music and some songs like the duet Te Busque featuring Juanes are full blown Latino pop. Like Nelly’s biggest hit Like a Bird several of the songs on here are summertime anthems but a bit more sexed up than her previous work. Opening track Afraid begins with a burst of decaying noise before busting into infectious club beats and ending with anthem vocals. The next two tracks Maneater and Promiscuous follow the up-tempo pop template laid out by the opener and are both catchy as hell. Unlike a lot of her contemporaries Nelly Furtado writes or co-writes all her tunes and also never uses autotune on her vocals.

A few folks I know treat Nelly Furtado as a guilty pleasure. I say there’s a lot of merit here and if you dig it then turn it up loud!

By Kazuma Namioka

Final Fantasy VII Advent Children

PULSE

I don’t know who made the original Final Fantasy movie. Why it came out devoid of any redeeming feature, I still can’t fathom.

That a three-year-old would call it a shitty storyline, in those words, is no lie. So how great is it seeing Tifa drag a man’s face along the ground for the length of a church? It’s the relief of hearing your trophy wife’s voice in space after a successful lift-off. This isn’t the seventh Final Fantasy movie, it’s the movie made using the universe and characters of the seventh Final Fantasy game, and is therefore probably much more rewarding to someone who played, and to a greater extent, finished the game. Of course, yours truly falls within this category, but for those who don’t the story shouldn’t be too confusing, especially after the repeated viewings you will doubtlessly experience.

This 2 disc set includes the first filmed performance of The Dark Side of the Moon! Well, that’s mostly what it includes. There are some extras like tour stuff and “Wish You Were Here with Billy Corgan” which I have yet to check out. Maybe he’s trying to attract members to a band that won’t wither and die like Zwan. So the main meat of the DVD, the steak in the steak-and-cheese pie, is the live performance. Filmed back in ’94 at a show in Earls Court, London, the audience is a carpet of humanity spreading out from a stage reminiscent of a sun rising over the horizon. Suspended below the arc of brilliant light substituting for the top of the stage is a circular screen, and upon it flashes the trademark weird imagery Pink Floyd made The Wall with.

The achievement with this film is the action, the fights being of the sort of thing that, were it a live-action film, would have to be created using CG animation anyway. Among the boughs of trees shattering from the force of the blows, in a tunnel leaping between three speeding bikes, coursing through debris flying off a collapsing building, our hero Cloud Strife (minus purple jump-suit) wields his signature swords with blades the size of tabletops.

Unlike much CG animation before it, the fights look real and the contact is tangible, even though many physical laws have been sacrificed. In a word: awesome. The fights are awesome. In truth, all you need to know to enjoy this movie is grey hair = bad guys.

The soundtrack, original game music re-recorded and remixed for the film, is super hot. Starring Bahamut in a supporting role.

Pink Floyd

Now aside from the brilliantly lit stage, the circular screen depicting a janitor sweeping flowers in the bottom of an empty pool, the laser show and the gong (gongs belong in more live shows. I am serious) is the band itself. Yeah they looked old even 12 years ago, but they had three female backup singers on stage to dance around and attract attention, which seems a wise move.

I’m struggling to finish this review, I can’t concentrate with the first years gossiping loudly in the library on all manner of topics, from ex-girlfriends (this K*trina S*mmers character is apparently one to be avoided) to movies (one recommended Dukes of Hazzard to the other, the stupid fucker).

So, this DVD was pretty great, love that guitar noodling, hooray for Pink Floyd.

Reviews

Books Survive Bird Flu and Other Disasters

READ…

Bronwen King HAZARD PRESS

Reviewed by AKA “Tom Turbine” This book has yellow and black stripes on the front and the bio-hazard symbol. Quite frankly, I was concerned for my health on opening the book, but little did I know what was inside...To quote the front-cover “The essential guide to preparing for a disaster and what to do when it happens”. If you happen to have no common

chlorine/urine).

sense, then I highly recommend this book. As for the other 99% of the population, buy it anyway.

When Bird Flu comes and you’re rushing around in a mad panic because everyone in your flat has died and your cough has turned suspiciously harsh, you can quickly rip open the book and find out that actually it was an undercover cooking book!

give away the secret of soup cooking, but here it is: add soup mix to water in pot, boil until ready.

Actually, I did give away the secret. Oh well, the book is still useful.

That’s right! There are a few common sense tips first, such as “We all need water”. The book then goes into detail where you can obtain said ‘water’, including places like rain, rivers, and local watering holes, but warning me against drinking copious amounts of spa pool water (just because bird flu may be going around doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll suspend my rules for healthy living such as drinking water that doesn’t contain possible

So, the recipes. When life is difficult, people around you are sick and dying, and Tamiflu has all been used up protecting MPs, there’s nothing I quite enjoy more than cooking soup.

And thankfully, this book has that in here. Not to

As you see essential infrastructure around you fail such as power, telephones, water and suburbs dying, this book has methods to help you cope with the shock and trauma of the situation.

Like getting out your pots and pans and making music! Seriously, I’m not making this up. If I was, I’d probably pick something a little more fanciful.

If you lack common sense and have difficulty dealing with situations such as everyday life, I suggest you buy this book. Otherwise, save your money and get yourself some Tamiflu before it’s all been reserved.

The Younger Gods David & Leigh Eddings HARPER COLLINS PUBLISHERS

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Reviewed by Deanna Foster If this is your first experience with a David Eddings book, I suggest you put it down and go read the Belgariad. Like Eddings’ other stories, this is a quest adventure. Basically, there’s a primitive world ruled by gods who reign four by four every other millennia. The trouble begins at the end of one cycle when the current set of gods decide to stuff their sleeping contemporaries into human bodies.

There is a great battle sequence with bugs - think Starship Troopers with swords and bows and arrows. However, this isn’t really the best I’ve read

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HAVE YOU

of David and Leigh Eddings. The dialogue is very cyclical and simplistic and there is a lot of what is supposed to be funny ‘deadpanning’. The plot is sound, but seems to drag on; expect to feel like you just read that bit five pages ago - you did.

The characters are somewhat stereotypical, the gods act like spoiled children and the humans are ‘diamonds in the rough’.

Overall, it’s a good read, but probably just for those who are already fans of David and Leigh Eddings.

To Your Scattered Bodies Go (1971) Philip Jose Farmer Reviewed by M.Emery This is the first book in a 5 volume series from renowned sci-fi/fantasy author Philip Jose Farmer. The unique premise of this book is that humanity from all times and ages have awoken, naked, on the banks of a river that circles the world like a Gordian knot. Everyone is in their early 20s and doesn’t age. Another fascinating element is that no one dies in this world; they simply awaken after any fatal injury in another part of the world. One character dies over a hundred times.

Jose Farmer incorporated people from our real world amongst the fictional characters in this novel like author Mark Twain, English adventurer Sir Richard Francis Burton, Roman emperor Julius Caesar and Nazi Hermann Goring. As you can imagine, a world where every dictator and warmonger all exist at the same time makes for a place ripe with conflict. This first book follows Richard Burton as he quests to find the source of the river. Along the way he gathers companions including one from the future who may be the cause of the destruction of humanity. Burton is convinced that at the river’s source he will find those that are responsible for recreating humanity on the Riverworld.

One of the great things about this book is that neither the heroes nor the villains are sketched in black and white; they all have subtle shadings of character and are equally flawed. Jose Farmer is also one of the first sci-fi authors to make commentary on sex, religion, and race. Over the course of the series there are some incredible twists and character transitions. Some of the bigger secrets are not revealed until the fourth book but this novel is a solid read on its own. For anyone looking at reading the whole series I heartily recommend you read them in order.

Reviews

Films Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man’s Chest VILLAGE CINEMA

Reviewed by Joe Citizen In the best Walt Disney tradition, this film has nothing to do with reality. Do not expect anything remotely resembling history - what this is about is the mythic representation of those dastardly anti-heroes we know and love as pirates. Adults be warned, if your sweet kootchy-koo can’t handle the violence found on playstation, then

Most people don’t know that writers can get screen-writing software like ‘Final Draft’ to help arrange the character dynamics of a film.

Somebody ate the whole disc cause I can tick them all off like the cast of a soap – there’s the central character (naughty but loveable pirate), the protagonist and his supporting

into the 21st Century – the protagonist’s babe can fight and use her brains and best yet she doesn’t swoon all over the place in immovable dumbness. She and the protagonist are almost protagonists together but I think the execs put their collective foot down on that one and towards the end she’s plagued with an

they’re probably going to be traumatised by the crow eating a human eyeball in the first five minutes. That said, you’ve got to take it with a grain of salt because the next scene has a drunken pirate singing ‘yo ho ho and a bottle of rum’ and all the other pirates when we meet them have a speech impediment that causes them to go ‘aarh, aarh’ like what pirates should. Later on it just gets silly so the whole gruesomeness is wasted until much later and it flashes in front of your eyes around bed time, which is unfortunate.

lady (wannabe pirates), the antagonist and his henchmen, (not pirates but worse, corporate bullies), the central character’s nemesis (with totally cool SFX) and my personal favourites – the oddball sidekick duo who provide distraction from the main dialogue with some occasionally very funny lines. Wait a minute this isn’t a period drama, it’s just like science fiction on the edge of civilisation with a well-meaning hero. Yep, it’s really a watery western.

overwhelming attack of the stupids, which we don’t really notice because everyone else is too and the adult viewer has to check to see if the majority of the audience isn’t cringing every time some unbelievable circumstance occurs. They’re not so that’s alright, ‘cause I am not really the target audience and I have to remember this when it comes to pirates.

Rialto

By Leigh McGeady

Wins hands down over that caped idiot any day.

Disney has finally come kicking and screaming

Check

It’s about time we had a real funky li’l film showing on the big screen. And now we do with Breakfast on Pluto, which begins its season here on the 27th July.

A slim, blonde figure deposits a baby on the doorstep of the parish presbytery and hurries away. The foundling is hurriedly consigned to the

Patrick is far from friendless, grim though home may be. Girl Charlie, boy Irwin and their intrepid mate Laurence constitute Paddy’s crew. And together they “die for Ireland” as gun-toting IRA rebels, annihilate the town with Laurence in killer-robot (Dalek) gear, and ponder the mystery of Paddy’s parentage Breakfast on Pluto is a vibrant and picturesque new movie from Neil Jordan, the award-winning director of THE CRYING GAME, INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE, and THE END OF THE AFFAIR.

Jordan weaves a wonderfully surreal and magical tale to bring us this funny, moving and poignant rites of passage account of a young man enduring the trials and tribulations he faces with a smile and unwavering faith in the inherent goodness in us all. Look for a brilliant performance by Cillian Murphy as the loveable “Kitten”.

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Set in the late 60s, early 70s, Breakfast on Pluto follows a fashionable young beauty Patrick “Kitten” Braden (Cillian Murphy), who is endearing but also deceptively tough, as he tries to survive the harsh environment of which he is situated. Abandoned as a baby in his small Irish hometown and aware from a very early age that he is different, Patrick survives with the aid of his wit and charm, plus a sweet refusal to let anyone and anything change who he is.

foster care of Ma Braden, harried pub owner, who 9 or 10 years later, is outraged to walk in on the young Patrick wearing his step-sister’s dress and applying her lipstick. With the revelation that Ma is not Mother comes Patrick’s burning question: who is my real mother?

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Reviews and stuff

BROUGHT TO YOU BY: HEAD 2 HEAD

Ghost Recon Advanced War Fighter Xbox VS Xbox 360 Reviewed by Josh Whoa. So I get to play both versions of a particular game on two consoles – the original Xbox and the brand spankin’ new Xbox 360. The game is Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter. I will call the game GRAW for the rest of the review.

So I’m playing the game on the 360, right,

it’s all just so freakin crazy man. WHooooo!

Whoooooo! WHOOOOOOO! And then I play a different version on the original Xbox and I’m like, meh.

It’s not that the Xbox version is bad – it’s actually quite good – but after playing it on the 360 it really leaves something to be desired. Of course, the graphics are sub-par,

and I’m all like fricken heck this game is teh R0CKZ0RZ and it’s all crazy and bullets and shit are flyin everywhere and the bad guys heads are poppin’ in splashes of red red blood and I’m like “whoa” and my eyes are just buggin out at the EXTREME graphics and

but it’s not that that’s the problem. Developer Ubisoft saw fit to strip a whole lot of features out of the Xbox version that are pretty much what makes the 360 version fun.

So we’ll just ignore the crap version and concentrate on the good one.

I could go on at length about graphics, gameplay, etc, but that’s what the Internet games sites are for. So I will undertake to sum it all up the simple way – with 1337-speak.

Graphics: OMG! Grap1x r teh r0xzorz!!1!!!1 Gameplay: OMFG! Presentation: OMFG!!!!! AI: OMG! Controls: WTF???!!

Yeah, that’s right. I loathe the controls for this game. Why? They’re so damned complicated. I’m sick of having to learn a brand-new, RSI-inducing control scheme every time I get a new game. Hey, game developers, here’s a tip.

Step 1: Consider the controls for the game everybody plays (Hint: it’s Halo) Step 2: Copy them.

There. I just gained you about a million new customers. Say thank you.

360 version Xbox version

GAMES PLUS - THE NEXT LEVEL: Providing you with all your necessary gaming needs S H O P 1 0 5 , C E N T R E P L A C E M A L L , V I C T O R I A S T, H A M I LT O N · P H O N E 8 3 8 0 8 0 1 XBOX · PLAYSTATION · GAMECUBE · PC · GAMEBOY · DS · PSP · MOVIES · ANIME

Opal Nera Issue 15 Competition Winners Sheer strangeness award goes to...

Out of the 50-odd fairly similar entries, let’s go with…

Bridesmaids place the Opal Nera Bride to be is dared to edge nearer Thank you Navally Explorative Random Associates

By Marty

At a party, feeling hearty.

Met a girl called Vera, drinking Opal Nera.

Scored a threesome, with her and Sarah.

By Nick M

ISSUE 15 / 24 JULY 2006

Just to make it more fun, let’s make it an Opal Nera haiku for this final poem week (yeah, I said last week was the last. I lied.)

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