issue 15 2011

JULY 25TH 2011

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LAW & ORDER

BLACK MAGIC

Unnatural things stir deep within its obsidian curves. The 8-Ball is losing his marbles!

LEGITIMATELY BUNG

Nexus puts in its two cents on the alreadly excessively centy legal highs issue

RENT-A-DATE

Jimmy has been ringing escorts on the work phone!

BUSTED

Photos of you at Soundscape!

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THE CONTENTS

4

EDITORIAL

6

LETTUCE

9

SHORT NEWS

9

HAIKU NEWS

10 11-16 17

CY

CMY

K

PUZZLES

24-28

FEATURES

29-37

COLUMNS AND REVIEWS

38

GIG GUIDE

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BUSTED 17/5/11 11:28:06

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Brookfield Accommodation 45 Dey St, Hillcrest, Hamilton

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WSU PAGES

ENTERTAINMENT

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SPORTS THOUGHTS

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Nexus May 2011.pdf

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B RO O K F I E L D Accommodation

David Bennett MP M P f o r h a Mi l t o n eas t

p 07 856 9700 f 07 856 9700 e info@brookfieldaccom.co.nz

Phone: 07 834 3407 Email: davidbennett@xtra.co.nz www.davidbennett.co.nz

Are you getting cold in your flat?

Is it too expensive or do you just need a change?

Sign up for a B-Semester accommodation plan and receive 10GB Free upon checking-in! *Terms and Conditions: Rooms are subject to availability. Accommodation requirements must be met before approval and all applicants must quote ‘Nexus’ when applying.

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EDITORIAL

WITH THE SQUID FROM BEYOND

From Protests to Prostitutes without skipping a beat, July’s Nexus all seem to be brought to you by the letter P. It is, we assure you, purely coincidental.

JULY 25TH 2011

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LAW & ORDER Credits: EDITOR: Art Robinson (editor@nexusmag.co.nz) DESIGN: David Nixon (design@nexusmag.co.nz)

This week we are taking a look at Law and Disorder, knowing your rights and knowing when to stand up for them, as well as the argument for “legalising it”. If that wasn’t enough Kate is talking Kronic and Jimmy is talking to a prostitute.

I have been given a rare guest editorial and I think it is fitting that I use the remaining 500 words to remind you all of the golden rule.

Not “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. That was your parent’s golden rule and isn’t applicable when we have Jimmy talking to ladies of the night.

ADVERTISING: Tony Arkell (ads@nexusmag.co.nz) NEWS EDITOR: James Manning (news@nexusmag.co.nz)

The golden rule of this generation is simple: “don’t be fucking douche bags.” It should

FILM EDITOR: Richard Swainson (films@nexusmag.co.nz)

be simple right? Douche bags are easy to spot; here are a few easy examples:

BOOKS EDITOR: Kevin Pryor (books@nexusmag.co.nz) GAMES EDITORS: Sash Nixon (games@nexusmag.co.nz) DESIGN INTERN: Debby Yeung

Contributors Dirty Old Chair Leg, Shannon Rolfe, Loud American

If you come up to someone who is outside smoking and do that fake cough thing, you’re a douche bag. Conversely if you sit outside next to someone who has young kids with them and light a cigarette you’re a douche bag.

If you’re nearly 30 and you keep talking about “back in my day” you’re a douche bag

Mackenzie McCarty, Judy’s Sweet Legs, Dr Richard Swainson, Owen “Beef” Hinton”, Honest Matt, Kylie Zinsli, Jess Edmonds-Saunders, Danielle Wall, Mrs. Matthews,

If you try to impose your views on anyone, whether they are religious, atheist, vegetarian or social justice you’re a douchebag.

Jade Carey, Josh Cooper, Daniel Farrell, Sam & Zane, Esther Coker, Lauren KB, Mandy Suess-Ryan, Rawinia Judson, Caitlin Hayns, Aaron.Letcher, Kate Cogswell, Monique Hamilton, and Campbell “Ultimate Warrior” Weal.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

Or at least, we think we are.

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, OR ANYONE. WE THINK

I highlighted impose in that last one because that is a key tenant to the whole issue. No one is saying you can’t have a conversation with someone or even try to convince them of your point of view but don’t make them feel like shit.

That’s kind of the whole theme of this law and disorder issue. Nexus isn’t judging you, (the Magic 8-Ball does, but he’s from another plane of existence) we are just saying try not to be a dick.

University is about experimentation. Drugs, alcohol, Kronic, prostitutes, sexual orientation. Hell, even music and literature. So give everyone some space to try things for themselves and they will do the same for you. In other words do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Jesus, it does still fit.

THAT THESE LITTLE JOKES AREN’T READ BY ANYONE BUT US. AND THAT PERVY GUY IN MY BIO LAB.

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS?

The other thing to remember is where possible be safe. Kronic, drinking, new music, even taking a few papers outside of your comfort zone might be better done with a friend. As for prostitution and sexual discovery it really is up to you whether they are solo or team sports.

EMAIL ads@nexusmag.co.nz OR call 07 838 4653

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT: Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: editor@nexusmag.co.nz POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

But whatever you’re doing, legal or illegal, remember University doesn’t define you any more than high school did. Have some fun, figure out more about yourself and if you want to try Kronic or anything else, don’t let any douche bag tell you not to.

Experimentation is fun, or at least it was back in my day.

The internet is cold and unforgiving.

Wolves stalk its wastes. Google only knows

a part of what lies beneath the surface. Evil

viruses, spyware, malware and highly

illegal writings lurk deep in the dark. At

any minute the authorities can kick

in your door and take away your computer. Who knows, maybe they will find things there that you didn’t even know about. One thing is for sure: Nexus loves you. Feel

free to return some of that love by checking out our facebook page. We’re the Nexus magazine that isn’t about crystals and psychic alien contact. Or are we?

Yes we are. Come and check out our website too. You can read the entire magazine online, in its complete, uninterrupted form. And we assure you: reading Nexus online won’t get you sent to prison. Or will it?

NO ROOM AT THE INN Nelson is a student from Africa who is finding getting somewhere to live difficult. When he calls, the flat is vacant but when he goes to see it, it is suddenly taken This appears to be a case of discrimination. Nelson needs to have details written down,and talk to the University Accommodation Office first.They may advise contacting the Human Rights Commission at ph 0800 496 877.

The Hamilton Area Citizens Advice Bureau provides advice and information from four locations. They are at 55 Victoria St (MonFri 9am-5pm), 70 Kent St Frankton (Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm), Garden Place (Mon-Fri 11am-2pm) and the Cowshed at the University (Tues-Thurs 1-3pm). They also have legal, advocacy and consumer services available where you can get more specialised help.

Phone the CAB on 0800 367 222 (0800 FOR CAB) or look at the CAB website www.cab.org.nz

No, it won’t.

2011 Wallace Corporation University of Waikato Blues Awarding excellence in sport, creative and performing arts.

APPLY TODAY Proudly Sponsored by: Wallace Corporation Ltd, Waikato Students’ Union and Coca-Cola.

Managed by: U Leisure.

nexusmag.co.nz

Online applications now open go to www.waikato.ac.nz/events/blues/ 5

Lettuce

All Waikato Students Love Jesus?

Buy Chocolate! Cry Havoc!

Unleash Hell!

Write to Win! SEND LETTERS TO: Send your letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

WEEKLY PRIZE: This week there is a prize! Brett from UniMart is kindly offering a $20 voucher to the writter of our letter of the week. Come to the Nexus office in the Student Union Building to collect your prize!

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be received by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. Word count is limited to 250 words and we will enforce this as we please.

We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be). Send letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

I wanted to thank everyone at Uni who bought chocolate from my daughter on Tuesday. When the Guide Jamboree committee told us we had to sell chocolate to raise money I thought “Crud, another thing to sell to family”. But we decided to give Uni a try and in doing so we met some of the nicest, kindest and most generous people I’ve encountered in Hamilton.

She had students give her handfuls of change, well over the $2.50 cost of a block, one student bought chocolate even though she was already carrying several candy bars, and one especially sweet guy sprinted from the library to the banks and back to make sure he got the last bar. So, a big thanks everyone, you really made a little girl’s day.

Dear Nexus, Last week you ran two articles which slammed Christianity. I don’t think you know who your target audience is. Almost all students at Waikato (the New Zealand ones at least) grew up in Sunday School or youth group, which were based around their local churches.

Sure, most students these days drink more than they pray, but I guarantee that they all believe in Jesus, the Son of God, sent to Earth to die for our sins. If you think otherwise, you’re seriously mislead. Even Muslim and Hindu students hold Jesus in high regard.

Quit bashing Christians, or no one will pick up your stupid, idiotic magazine.

B

Smell my finger shitbags!

Cam Come pick up your $20 UniMart voucher at the Nexus office in the WSU Building.

Saruman: Troll Detective Dear Mr You Knew This Was Coming (or can I call you Sir?) Trolololololololololo trololololo Trolololololololololo trololololooooo loooo-oooo loooo-oo-oooo Trolololololololololololololololoooo Trolololololololololo trololololooooo That’s how you do it.

Dear Fuckers I enjoy all of the swearing you have in your magazine. If I wanted to read something without sw2earing, I would read toilet paper.

I am writing to you to inform you that not everyone likes the swearing you print. Don’t stop using swearing though, because the people complaining about it would complain about the word ass being said on the Simpsons show. You can all go pash a duck. I care not for thee and thy prudish ways.

Regards Second Year Second-Year

Sincerely, Saruman.

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A

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THIS IS yOUR OPPORTUNITy

Fairfax New Zealand Journalism Internships FAIRFAX MEDIA, publisher of the country’s leading newspapers, magazines and websites, is again seeking bright, aspiring journalists to become the outstanding journalists of tomorrow as part of our intern scheme.

We want the best people to be part of our multi-media organisation. The scheme is now in its fifth year and already those chosen are making their mark not just in newsrooms but in national media awards.

The successful applicants are chosen by editors and editorial leaders throughout Fairfax after they prioritise the Fairfax Media organisations they would like to work for.

After undergoing exceptional training at one of our five preferred journalism schools – the University of Canterbury, Massey University, Wellington, the Waikato Institute of Technology (Wintec), Aoraki Polytechnic, Dunedin, and the Auckland University of Technology (AUT) – interns join their chosen newspaper or website.

We will reimburse the fees of those who pass and provide challenging work afterwards in our newsrooms. As well, we provide ongoing training and opportunities to advance.

We are seeking highly motivated people from all walks of life to join us.

A relevant tertiary qualification is preferred but we will consider candidates who have minimum qualifications of NCEA Level 3 or the relevant life skills.

For further information and to apply online at: http://www.fairfaxmedia.co.nz/careers/journalism-internships.dot before noon on Monday, August 1, 2011

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Haiku News

By Musashi

Israeli “spy” story won’t die A tasteful headline, For the three Israelis killed In Christchurch earthquakes.

Driver in fight against “evil” loses appeal Trade blows with rival You’re not a superhero!

You are the Busman.

Discipline camp youth reoffend Scrap the boot camp, guys!

Cuddles are clearly better.

Hippies don’t do crime.

Identity crisis looms for newborns Baa baa black sheep, haveHoney, what the hell is this?

Our “lambs” are Fresian!

Name suppression for child porn man criticised Keep his name quiet; Protect family members.

Little bit late, no?

Police database “like gold to spies”, says SIS expert Hager Steal names and backgrounds.

Only four million people?

Fits on a floppy.

SHORT NEWS

get a team FOR TALL PEOPLE together, get active, and get into...

Get your Ushanka’s out for the boys A group of Russian women called Putin’s Army are pledging to tear their clothes off if the former

Russian Leader runs for President again. This follows a photo of young female journalists stripping down to their lingerie to wish Putin a happy 58th birthday. The pledge to get nude for the president is an unusual one for the former strictly conservative Russia, by contrast journalists in lingerie and woman declaring they will remove all their clothes is what Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi calls Tuesday. In 2004 several members of the National Party also pledged to get their kit off if Shipley came back, however the stunt failed when they realised no one would pay attention to another cock in their caucus.

The Only Sexually Liberal German in the World

A Swedish police dog is being hailed a hero after sniffing out a

semen sample in an apartment that police used to convict a man for sexual assault.

Authorities said it was all the more remarkable because the dogs aren’t trained to smell semen. That alone suggests that a Swedish police dog handler went home and had a really awkward conversation with his wife. After the sample was taken the German Sheppard went on to lick the rest of the sample up without complaint, cook dinner and then leave the room while the rugby was on..... see ladies......

NEW

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BASK3v3 E LEAGTBALL UE

social sport INDOOR

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ENTRIES CLOSE 4 AUGUST

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THE SILVER FERNS SHOULD RETIRE - PERIOD

SPORTS THOUGHTS

Hold up, I’m still laughing at that maggot as pun. Alasdair Thompson, please, you know I’m a sucker for topical humour.

WITH C.BALL

But I transgress, because what I really wanted to start with was the lesson that the Silver Ferns just taught me about netball. For those of you that don’t know, and I’m assuming there will be a whole lot of you, netball just had its World Championship. In the vicious tournament pretty much fought between New Zealand and Australia, the final saw the two aforementioned teams inseparable on the scoreboard at full time.

If 60 minutes of netball wasn’t enough boredom to kill the entire New Zealand population, we then had to rudely endure another 13 minutes of the Silver Ferns choking miserably and losing the extremely coveted trophy to those evil Australians. Damn you Australia.

The lesson the Silver Ferns taught me, well, I lied. You can’t be taught a lesson that you’ve already learned, and I learned a long time ago not to waste my time watching netball. The problem with not watching netball is you still have to listen to all the commotion in the media after the Silver Ferns have a brain meltdown and lose. Case in point, when they lost to Australia in the final of the World Championships. They had a handy lead at half time, Australia clawed it back in the third quarter, and then by the final whistle both teams were on the same number of goals. Oh my god, a draw? What the fuck is this bullshit, soccer? But that was okay, because the Silver Ferns are masters at overtime. Just look at all that training they’ve done in the parking lot outside New World supermarkets versus tough opposition from the bakery and frozen foods section. You wouldn’t have blamed your average New Zealander for thinking we had it in the bag.

Wrong. Australia busted our skulls and jumped around gleefully (as only stupid netball players can) while hugging the fuck out of each other, skipping, doing cartwheels and other lame shit

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that I could’ve made up. Cue whimpering and blubbering in the media. Apparently members of the Silver Ferns have all future decisions on hold until the pain of their extra-time defeat subsides.

What the fuck, are you cereal? Maybe if Maria Tutaia had packed a fat as chewing tobacco before her final shot, she would’ve been far too calm to let the pressure break her in half, leading to her shot missing and the Silver Ferns losing. Now I don’t like scapegoats for losses, cough Anthony Minichello, but let’s face it, she lost the game.

None of this sandbagging bullshit about it being a team game, because it’s a team game all the way up until the part where the player (who is paid to throw a ball into a hoop) then throws the ball into the hoop. There is no part there that says, “hey, hit or miss is optional mate, just give it your best shot”. Maria, you better drain the goal, because I like to be ahead on the scoreboard before you decide to fuck me. Mostly.

For those cut up netball fans, I understand its hard dealing with choking. I’ve watched the Black Caps my whole life to the point where I don’t grimace anymore when Ross Taylor gets caught at cow corner, or when Baz McCullum pile drives some noob straight to point. We learn to accept these things. I just realised the tone of this article changed dramatically, ironically enough after I had some delicious chewing tobacco, courtesy of the majestic yet not as adept at growing facial hair as me Sam Harris. When it comes to netball, there isn’t too much more to say, other than that I know we are all looking forward to the Silver Ferns future fixtures. Ooooh, a home test series against England followed by three tests in Australia. I can already feel the deep coma slowly creeping up on me.

2011

Poi Haka Tikanga Kēmu (Games) Waiata (Songs) Te Reo Māori Hākari (Māori Feast) When: 12-13th August Where: Papa o Te Aroha Marae in Tokoroa (Free Bus from WSU) Cost: $10 (Register at the WSU Reception before July 29) Email vp@wsu.org.nz for more info!

WSU thanks the University of Waikato International Services Office and the University of Waikato Cultural Committee for their support towards the event

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The Vice President MÄ ori position on the Board of Directors is now vacant The Board is now seeking expressions of interest for this position.

If you are interested in applying, send you CV and a one-page cover letter to Deni at president@wsu.org.nz

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PREZ SEZ Many of you will have read the story in last week’s Nexus about the departure of Toko Baker, who was elected as WSU Vice-President Māori 2011. The WSU Board ultimately used the constitutional provisions surrounding outrageous behaviour to remove Mr. Baker from office. This was not a decision taken lightly, and was a decision that followed a two-month long process after the WSU received a number of complaints from other students on campus regarding Mr. Baker’s behaviour as Vice-President Māori.

The next step, however, is moving forward and making sure that the Vice-President Māori position remains strong on campus, and the role continues to be respected in the university community. At last Tuesday’s Board Meeting, the WSU Board took the view that leaving the position vacant was not a credible option, and therefore decided to place a notice calling for expressions of interest in the position, inviting students to apply for the position.

WITH DENI

My advice to you is that if you are keen to be involved on the WSU Board, and are interested in issues affecting Māori students on campus, then make sure you apply.

The Vice-President Māori position is an important one for the Board, and is also one that the WSU Board is particularly interested in hearing from students about who they want to see in the role. So, if you are keen to be involved, or just have any thoughts about what sort of skills you would like your VP Māori to have (or perhaps what things you think the VP Māori should be doing), then please feel free to get in touch.

Deni Tokunai WSU President 027 5734241

If you are interested in applying for the position, or just want to know more about what’s involved, then make sure you find out. I’m quite keen to hear from you guys what you think, so flick me an email and I’ll happily meet up with and listen to your views. Of course, as per usual, if you have any questions for me about the WSU, then please feel free to get in contact with me.

president@wsu.org.nz

That’s all for now; all the best for the week ahead, and don’t forget to email me if you have any questions, ideas or suggestions!

BOARD TALK

EXPRESSIONS OF INTEREST SOUGHT FOR VICE-PRESIDENT MĀORI POSITION Are you keen to be involved in the governance of your student union? Interested in making sure that Māori issues are brought to the Board’s attention? Keen to develop links and relationships with Māori clubs and societies on campus, and to represent their concerns?

If so, then consider putting in an application for the Vice-President Māori Position.

As most of you will have read last week in Nexus, the Vice-President Māori position on the WSU Board is now vacant. Given the original demand from students for this position, the Board feels that it is important that it does not remain vacant for the rest of the year. As a result, the Board is officially calling for expressions of interest from students who are interested in the role.

As you may have guessed, this job involves representing Māori issues on campus.

Your job would be to make sure that Māori interests are put forward and discussed.

You often have a lot to do with the Pro-Vice Chancellor Māori Office, as well as with the

various Māori Rōpū on campus. In terms of workload, the Vice President Māori is a half full-time position (about 20 hours per week) and is currently paid $15000 per annum.

If you are keen to apply, then email Deni at president@wsu.org.nz. As the Board believes it is important that the work of the position is carried out in the meantime, current board member Priscilla Ngatai has been appointed as interim Vice-President to make sure that crucial relationships are not lost in this time of transition.

Any student is welcome to apply for the position. Given that this is a time of change, we are also interested in hearing from you about what you think the role of the VicePresident Māori is on campus. If you have any thoughts on this then we would love to hear from you, so email president@wsu.org. nz with your ideas!

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CLUB CORNER: PICTURE LOG

HAMILTON INTERNATIONAL CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP as we won the competition as the club with the most entries and earned the $150 reward from WSU (Hurrah!)

H.I.C.F.

The HICF (Hamilton International Christian Fellowship) is a Christian group on campus.

Yes we know when people hear the word “Christian”, the please-don’t-impose-yourreligious-views-on-me phobia arises. But that’s a very wrong perception of Christians, or at least for our group. We’re nothing like that! Rather we are a group of intellects who meet regularly to discuss issues arising from Christianity and everyone is free to leave with their own opinion. We’re not all boring academics either; if you’re new on campus and are looking to make some new friends with interesting people, or just someone who needs a random club to join, this is the right group for you, and here’s why:

If there was one perfect way to describe how our club, then it would be the fact that we are one happy family! We do all sorts of stuff together, that includes weekly Park n Safe shopping routines, midnight graveyard tours (creepy but true, just to test our bravery), having overnight stays at each other’s flats, as well as road trips. To add to our craziness, we were the yellow people that were stationed at the gym entrance during Clubs Day, while it was raining and freaking cold, with the chilly wind blowing so strongly against our faces it felt like frostbites. But our hard work paid off

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Okay, now you may be saying, alright alright, that’s all good, but still….you guys are Christians! I’m not! Then you’re in luck mate. We are a club dedicated to both Christians and non-Christians alike. Just like Morpheus, we are only presenting you with the red and blue pill. We have only the truth to offer to you, and nothing but the truth. Perhaps you might have experienced something supernatural, or you’ve read of the supernatural. Certain incidences are just difficult to logically prove, but yet factually true. A lame man may be sitting on the wheelchair, the preacher lays hands on him, and suddenly he’s walking, whoa!

The good news is we have the answers to these paranormal phenomena. In fact some of us had even experienced it first hand! So take the red pill, join us, and just like Alice, we’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Join us in our gatherings every Saturday at 6pm at the Chapel on campus (for those who don’t know, it’s opposite the gym).

If you want to get in contact with us then search for “Hamilton International Christian Fellowship” to find us on facebook, or send us an email to zhi_jian007@hotmail.com. We hope to hear from you soon, or perhaps even see you at our gathering this Saturday!

DIRECTOR INTRO: FIN SCOTT

Many students will no doubt be pleased to know that the vacancies created by the departure of Holly Neilson and Daniel Morales from the Board earlier this year have now officially been filled. As a result, here is an introduction to one of our two new directors: Fin Scott.

Gidday everyone, My name is Finian Scott. I am an enthusiastic, 3rd year Politics student here at Waikato.

I have been living, studying and training here in the Waikato, based out in Cambridge since 2010 after transferring from the University of Canterbury for the NZ U23 rowing team in 2010. Following the earthquakes in Christchurch earlier this year and considering the facilities and opportunities available here in the Waikato, not to mention the great time I had here last year, I have commenced full time study here for 2011 with plans to finish my degree here in 2012.

I have loved my previous leadership and student representation opportunities, such as my role as Head Boy at Roncalli College in 2008, my appointment to Student President at Christchurch Residential hall College House and regular involvement and membership in groups such as UC’s Student Volunteering Organization. I consider it an exciting privilege to be appointed on o the WSU board for the second half of this year

and will be looking to make the most of this excellent opportunity to immerse myself in Waikato Uni events and student-life and hopefully assist in improving and maximizing the student experience for everyone here on campus with my positive attitude, enthusiasm and commitment. The backbone of any tertiary institution are the students themselves and I believe the 2011 WSU serves us all extremely well and the support should be mutual both provided from and for the student exec. If you spot me round campus don’t hesitate to rock up and say gidday.

In the meantime, all the best for a successful and kick-ass second semester guys, Fin

EVENT PREVIEW

PUT YOUR FASHION SKILLS TO THE TEST WITH RESTYLE 2011

Coco Chanel once said “fashion is architecture” - let this be your inspiration. An event run by Waikato students is here to test your own fashion skills – with a twist.

ReStyle is an annual wearable arts competition held at the Founders Theatre in Hamilton - think World of Wearable Arts meets Project Runway. It’s not a WSU event, but ReStyle 2011 looks like it will

entertainment, and organisers want students to get involved!

Get creating couture garments made solely from used materials, and be in with a chance to win awesome cash prizes. Check out this year’s categories including Mad Hatter, Goin Gaga and Avant Garbage, and grab an entry form from The Body Shop or from the Restyle Website: www.restylehamilton.co.nz

It’s quick and easy to enter, and provides a great opportunity for students to show off their creative talents on stage in front of a large audience. It’s a great way to gain experience through a professional fashion and art event, and lets us show that local designers really do have what it takes to keep up with the rest of the fashion world.

be a fantastic night of fashion, art and

A BIG THANK YOU!

Just a quick note to say THANKS to all the people that helped us put together a great B semester orientation week. Here are some of the people that made it happen, in no particular order: Arise Church Bennett’s Books Coke Tone-deaf Audio Hire ASB Bank Dominos Pizza Bar 101

ZM Momento Cafe Ray Hayward, Uni Safe Katria Raffan, Health & Safety John Cameron FMD The Performing Arts Academy National Bank The Lawrenson Group Add Fence Soundscape Dj’s Momento Go Bus WSU staff , Volunteers and Directors

Nexus Thomas Smart All the entertainers that took part we thank you!

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CALL FOR

ENTRIES

REUSE, RECYCLE AND RECREATE A UNIQUE GARMENT FROM WASTE WE THROW AWAY EVERY DAY. -Grab an entry form from-

The Body Shop, Ward Street Centre Place Customer Service Desk ReStore reception 29 Bryant Road www.restylehamilton.co.nz

AWARDS EVENING 10.09.11

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DANIEL FARRELL COMMEMORATIVE

Puzzle Page

Brought to you by Mighty Strong Friends of Nexus; Event Cinemas and Frozen Coke Smugglers

Recently, the cats at Nexus have been giving me topics for the week’s puzzle page. However, this week, I didn’t get anything, so I thought clubs on campus would be a good place to go. WSU Clubs contribute a whole bunch to student culture. And just because Clubs Day is over doesn’t mean you can’t join them! Head over to wsu.org.nz, find out the details of some clubs and join them.

Criteria for this weeks’ word search? First 24 clubs that fit in the puzzle. Oh and clubs I’m a member of are guaranteed entry, political groups disqualified in order to stay impartial, just because that’s the way I roll. Have a good week!

THE BIG BAD wordFIND

the wORDS AIESEC ALPINE CLUB AMNESTY ASKEW CONTACT FM CRICKET CLUB DEBATING SOCIETY ENGINEERS SOCIETY FILIPINO CLUB FOOTBALL CLUB HANDBALL CLUB HISTORY CLUB HOCKEY CLUB HS CLUB LIKE MINDS MANDARIN CLUB OMANI CLUB PLSA SAUDI CLUB SIFE SKI AND SNOW SPEED CUBING UNITY DANCE

WHAT TO DO The Furious Puzzle Page

(seriously, it’s pretty darn cross) Brought to you by the strong mind of Event Cinemas, in both Chartwell and Centreplace flavours! Mmmmm, delicious frozen coke!

SUDOKU TIME

WULSA

Be warned, this is the most difficult puzzle page ever!

17

AT THE MOVIES WITH DR. RICHARD SWAINSON & JOSH COOPER

HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PT. II

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

DIRECTED BY DAVID YATES

DIRECTED BY MICHAEL BAY

I’ve heard that hardcore Harry Potter fans have gone into a state of mourning after seeing the concluding installment in the eight film saga. I can imagine if you have grown up on the movies and/ or JK Rowling’s source novels, watching “Deathly Hallows II” could be a bitter sweet experience. Whatever pleasure derived from the excellence of the adaptation will be tempered by the knowledge that

Transformers Dark of the Moon is the third and possibly final film in the money whoring franchise that is Transformers. After the second film Transformer film failing to have any sort of story and Megan Fox calling Michael Bay Hitler, the franchise has had to be completely made over. Megan Fox was replaced with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, there was to be actually a storyline this time

this is the last chapter. I felt the same myself when watching the final “Star Wars” episodes.

and (like every movie coming out of Hollywood) it was to be in 3D.

The fact that “Hallows II” is a direct sequel rather than a separate story helps to avoid the kind of clumsy exposition that sometimes bogged down the earlier features. As ever though, if you haven’t seen those movies there’s no chance you’ll be able to follow what is going on.

As a casual fan who hasn’t read the books and who has watched each of the adaptations but once, on first release, keeping up with the multiplicity of characters and earlier plot lines has proven impossible.

With “Deathly Hallows II” the problem isn’t so insurmountable, if only because the dramatic focus narrows to a contest between Potter and Voldemort. The race to destroy the remaining Horcruxes before Voldemort can find and kill Harry neatly structures the narrative. All other elements - Voldemort’s army laying siege to Hogwarts, the fate and back story of Professor Snape and the ultimate destiny of Harry himself - grow out of this essential opposition.

Thankfully melodrama and romance take a backseat to atmosphere and action. Ron and Hermione finally do get it on but there’s no lingering on sentimental detail. While there’s almost as many false endings as “Return of the King” at least there’s also a battle scene to rival Peter Jackson’s, one resplendent with ugly giant ogres that look like they’ve been borrowed from the Tolkien franchise.

Avoiding the episodic structure of their predecessors, taken together the “Deathly Hallows” films have a unity to them born of superior acting and characterisation and clarity of theme. The revelations about Snape, Rowling’s flirtation with the idea of Harry as a Christlike sacrificial lamb and the “19 years later” coda all elevate the saga to something more than merely competent horror or fantasy. It’s a complex, adult drama, a far cry from the children’s film which kicked things off a decade ago..

Transformers Dark of the Moon starts off with the Autobots learning of an Autobot spacecraft that is hidden on the dark side of the moon, but to the Autobots dismay the humans have known of it for years.

This then shows us why the space race to the moon had started. It was all because of the Autobots ship crashing on the moon and the Russians and Americans were in a race to get to it. This part of the story was done particularly well because he used real footage of the moon landing and fitted it into the story perfect.

There were plenty of new additions to the cast and at times had me thinking it was a Coen brother’s film. Rosie HuntingtonWhiteley (Carly) replaces Megan Fox as Sam’s love interest, Frances McDormand (Mearing) plays a hard ass military boss, John Malkovich (Bruce) is Sam’s new boss, Patrick Dempsey (Dylan) AKA Mc Dreamy from Greys Anatomy is Rosies boss and Ken Jeong is even thrown in for laugh and plays Jerry an analyst at Sam’s work. The humans weren’t the only additions to the film the Autobots got a handful of new robots but as usual the Decepticons got about 1000 more. I feel like the new additions almost made it feel like you were watching the movie from scratch, which was a nice feeling considering how bad the last two films were rated.

Michael Bay finally dealt with the lack of wide shot fight scenes and finally let the viewers see what was going on in the fights, instead of being zoomed up on an Autobots arm. This time you don’t miss a thing with the huge wide angled shots. This movie has a lot more violence than the last two but this is mainly because of all the action and fight scenes but hey it’s an action film.

Transformers is one of those movies you grab all the guys, grab your 3D glasses and watch in awe as Optimus Prime and the Autobots lays waste to the Decepticons.

-JC

-RS

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AUTEUR HOUSE

TALES FROM TINSLETOWN

WITH RICHARD SWAINSON

WITH JADE CAREY

Auteur House has recently acquired a box set of material written for British television by the great Dennis Potter. Potter had an occasional, largely unsuccessful flirtation with the cinema but was the most original and innovative writer that the small screen has ever seen.

More than any other career Potter’s demonstrates that television is a writer’s medium. Potter wrote both one-off television plays and longer, usually six part mini-series. Though he sometimes adapted respected novels like Thomas Hardy’s “Mayor of Casterbridge” and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “Tender is the Night” his reputation rests in the main on his own, often autobiographical work.

The rawest and most nakedly personal of Potter’s plays is “Moonlight on the Highway”, the story of a man who unsuccessfully seeks to blot out the memory of childhood sexual abuse by fixating on the songs of the 1930s popular singer Al Bowlly. The use of period music anticipates that of Potter’s two later series, “Pennies from Heaven” and “The Singing Detective”.

Born and raised in Gloucestershire’s Forest of Dean, Potter was from working class stock. The problems of class and politics inform two early plays “Stand up, Nigel Barton” and “Vote, Vote, Vote for Nigel Barton”. Potter’s regional background is milked in “Pennies from Heaven” - which uses his old school as an actual location - and in the childhood flashback sequences in “The Singing Detective”.

Sexual repression is a theme which Potter consistently returned to, a reflection of his ambiguity about matters carnal. Himself abused as a boy, he married young in life. Feeling the need to sexually experiment with prostitutes, he was also revolted by his own disease ridden body.

These mixed feelings come out powerfully in “The Singing Detective”, the tale of an author with skin disease suffering hallucinations in which past and present intermingle with a re-imagining of one the author’s old books as well as the ubiquitous 1930s song and dance numbers.

The musical set pieces in “Pennies from Heaven” and “The Singing Detective” bear surface similarity to those in a conventional Hollywood film of the genre but there are profound, fundamental differences. There is never any suggestion that Potter characters are doing anything other than lip syncing to the songs of other people. The music is an ironic commentary on the main narrative, a deconstruction of popular culture, its mythology and its impact on

Homer Simpson has decided he wants to be made a Sir! He already has a loving (and hilarious) family, a long-running TV series and a blockbuster movie. For a fictional character he really does seem to have it all. But apparently he’s missing one thing, a knighthood.

Homer, on behalf of himself and his family, wrote a letter to Prince William and Duchess Kate. He invited them to come to a table-read of an episode of the Simpsons while they were in Los Angeles. In the very funny letter Homer wrote, “Your wedding was a thrilling event for all the American viewers, although I don’t understand why you had it at one in the morning. Marge couldn’t stop crying, mainly because it was so much better than her own wedding.” He goes on to say that “we know your vacation time is precious, and you must be very tired from your busy schedule back home of jousting and fighting dragons.

Visiting The Simpsons will provide an excellent opportunity for cultural exchange.” He ended the letter with, “if you agree to visit our little show, I promise I will be amusing, my wife will be gracious, my daughter will be charming, and my son will be duct-taped to the boiler in the basement.”

The creators decided to invite the couple along to a cast meeting after Prince William recently said he was a fan of the show and watched it while he was growing up. The show, which is nearing its 500th episode, is renowned for its famous guest stars including Elizabeth Taylor, Katy Perry, Elton John and Michael Jackson. But sadly the royal couple declined the invitation to visit the cast. Instead the couple spent their last days of their tour with appearances at an arts school for underprivileged children, an employment fair for returned serviceman and a gala dinner in Hollywood. Much more professional but probably nowhere near as fun as being on The Simpsons!

At the end of the letter Homer added, “P.S. If you knighted me, that would be so awesome. It would really impress the guys at Moe’s.”

Executive producer, Al Jean said that they were not going to give up.

“Our next choice is Prince Harry, and then we’ll go to one of Fergie’s kids [...] we’ll work our way down.” Since the letter was published there have been a few petitions started to try to get Homer Simpson knighted for real. As awesome as it would be if it worked I highly doubt the royal family will think it’s a good idea to make him Sir Homer Simpson, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

individual psychology.

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Kate Cogswell, intrepid Nexus music interviewer, got ten minutes with Shelton from I Am Giant. I Am Giant will be playing a show at Altitude on the 11th of August with Take The Willing and Tainted.

individual, musical level but I made a conscious decision to step forward in my song writing. We tried to keep it just bass, guitar, drums for a more pure sound. I Am Giant have no gimmicks, we’re straight up.

So we’ll start where it all began, how long have you been drumming for?

For such a long time, since I was about 10 years old. My uncle was actually the bass player for Hello Sailor but he was living in London. When I got drum lessons my teacher asked if I was related to him, I was like “yeah but I’ve never met him”. Anyway he started telling me all of these stories about him, stories you probably shouldn’t

You’re Quicksilver Ambassadors for Europe, what’s that like?

It’s awesome, not serious at all. We’re big fans of extreme sports. They shot the video for City Limits and we’re just snowboarding all day. They share our passion and it just works with our music. Quicksilver just fly us around with the world’s best snowboarders, Tony Hawk or Kelly Slater and we really enjoy playing live music and building that

be telling a 10 year old but I got really into it.

Blame my uncle!

atmosphere

When did I Am Giant get together?

It must’ve been 2008, in the UK. I knew Paul (Matthews, bass guitar) from school and he worked on the first Blindspott record.

We just had this great musical partnership.

We started a band with an English guitarist that didn’t work out so we brought in Aja (Timu, guitars) who was also involved with Blindspott on End the Silence. One day we just wrote City Limits and we were like fuck this is good.

How is this band different from Blindspott?

Different people, different style. Elements could be traced back, similarities at an 20

What’s the journey to your debut album been like?

Wow it’s been five and a half years since I’ve personally released an album and it’s like I’m back on track doing what I do best. To know what we’ve achieved pre-release feels awesome. We’ve played a huge amount of gigs and we don’t have a record out, it’s crazy. We wrote it back at the start of the year, it’s just waiting for companies and everyone else to get their shit together.

You get into this depression having done your part and then not really getting any feedback. It’s like we’re standing at the edge of a cliff.

How would you describe The Horrifying Truth?

Alternative rock, a bit more progressive than what I think a lot of people are expecting.

The journey of the album, sequencing was really important to us. We created a deep, rich, hopefully timeless sound. We chose instruments carefully for a sound that’s not specific to a time or genre. It’s honest and has some good songs. We wanted it to be real and relevant. We hope that a Dr. Dre fan could pick it up and be like, “this is fucking awesome!”, a Michael Jackson fan could pick it up and say “this is fucking awesome!” and a Pantera fan, “THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!” You’ll be playing at Altitude on August 11th why should we get on down there?

We’re a bit more brutal live. It’s a good fucking grunty show. We also have our tour support band competition running so if you’re in a band or you want to vote for a band get on the Facebook page. We just wanted to give something back, a helping hand for a decent alternative rock band. So come check it out!

Get your tickets from Altitude or online: $25 + BF. Doors open at 8pm!

LOOKING AT NOISES WITH C.BALL & AYMAN ANEECE

RISE AGAINST AND SICK OF IT ALL JULY 14TH, LOGAN CAMPBELL CENTRE

Back Through Time Alestorm

If you wanted your face melted off with a side order of possibly getting crushed to death, chances are Rise Against’s concert

About two months ago I was privileged to see Alestorm live in Auckland. They’ve been touring nonstop since they finished

at the Logan Campbell Events Centre in Auckland on Thursday would’ve catered to your needs with ease.

recording their latest album ‘Back Through Time’ and they were good enough to come pillage our shores in May. It was a fantastic gig and if they ever come back I recommend going just for the spectacle. I’ve been to gigs with mosh pits, I’ve been to gigs with death pits but I’d never been to a gig where hairy men dressed like pirates gaily link arms and skip in circles.

Alestorm are a pirate themed Power Metal band from Scotland – calling themselves ‘true Scottish pirate metal’. I didn’t think any other Scottish bands were pretending to be pirates or any pirate metal bands were pretending to be Scottish and therefore untrue but whatever - it’s your band Alestorm. Either way, they’re all about having fun, getting drunk and singing about pillaging and drinking. A refreshing gust to the sails of a metal industry which lately has been populated by bands that take themselves far too seriously.

In short ‘Back Through time’ is good including everything that is has made Alestorm great and much more. It’s sillier and more ridiculous (e.g. ‘Midget Saw’ and ‘Swashbuckled’) but at the same time darker in some songs, especially the track ‘Death Throes of the Terrorsquid’ featuring Ken Sorceron (Abigail Williams) who lends his harsher vocal style to a song about hunting down a kraken, ending the album on an almost serious note with a rather sinister undertone.

Accompanied by American hardcore punk band Sick of It All, Rise Against performed a solid hour and a half set, mixing in songs from their latest album Endgame with some of their older, more punk orientated tracks from earlier years.

Sick of It All ripped the crowd in a frenzy with what could only be described as a pretty psycho opening set, then left the stage for the main act. The chant went up. Skinheads, bogans and punks alike begging in unison for Rise Against. They didn’t have to wait long.

Lead singer Tim McIlrath strode out, and the crowd simultaneously shat their pants and erupted into a music-less mosh. My shoes were ripped from my feet, ironically replicating what happened at Rise Against’s set at Big Day Out 10. Chamber the Cartridge opened, and then came a few of their more mainstream tracks to keep the new fans happy.

Tim obviously knew one of his big fans (being me) wanted to hear Heaven Knows. He complied. After a solid hour of swarming moshing Tim gave us a well earned rest, bringing out the acoustic guitar and serenading the tits off of every punk girl in the room with Swing Life Away and Hero of War. Then, it was back to getting face melted, the highlight of the night going to the performance of Ready to Fall. The lead in guitar riff was followed by “fucking jump”, resulting in a lot of people jumping. Funny that.

An encore saw Saviour being cranked out, with the night ending in a toast to Sick of It All, the band who had first taken Rise Against under their wing back in the days when both bands belonged to the Fat Wreck Chords label. Give It All was the tribute, and it was the perfect way to end a fucking awesome night and a pretty top notch set mixed with both the mainstream and hardcore. Being my third live Rise Against experience, it was definitely the best so far, and when they come back I’ll be there again for sure. Maybe next time I’ll remember to double knot my goddamn shoes so they last more than a minute.

-C.B.

The album features 3 three covers: ‘I Am A Cider Drinker’ (the Wurzels), Stan Rodger’s ‘Barrett’s Privateers’ and the last track Alestorm covered ‘You are a Pirate’ a song from the Icelandic kid’s TV show ‘Lazy Town’. This is frankly the greatest real world manifestation of a meme since Nyan Cat t-shirts.

In summary, there is a song about a midget beating a monkey with a shoe then having his legs cut off, a very catchy song about ‘Rum’. A song about a fat invincible pirate who meets his demise by choking on a pretzel and a song featuring the phrase “get drunk or die”.

Any album that can boast just one of these things deserves credit for simply getting past the label’s executives. If you like Alestorm’s previous work then you’ll enjoy this album. If you’ve never heard of them and like pirates then you’ll get a kick out of this band in general. It’s something fun and catchy to sing along and drink to and it certainly breaks the monotony of doof doof or the top forty. ‘Back Through Time’ is certainly worth checking out and will provide many laughs and epic sing alongs. Yarr!

-A.A. 21

WITH MADAME KERBALICIOUS

Can you feel it coming in the air tonight? Can you hear the people sing? Can you feel the love tonight? THEN FEAR NOT! THE MAGIC 8-BALL IS NOT YET AT HAND!

Taurus: April 21 – May 21

When trees wither and die in the night and water turns to blood, prepare thy soul! When Hispanic men run naked through the streets of your doomed town and touch your letter box with their junk, YOU SHALL KNOW THE END DRAWS NEAR!

Gemini: May 22 – June 21

Should weed be legal?

All signs point to no!

If it’s legal, how will it be any more fun? People will still have a cry if your smoke dares to waft near their faces, just as they do now with cigarettes. Those people should all go die in a fire. The worst are the ones who go and sit in the middle of a crowded cafe/sidewalk and do fake coughing to try and make everyone stop smoking. They don’t really want you to stop smoking. They’re just cunts. And I shall come for them and they shall be confined to live inside a giant cigarette of my devising. ALL HAIL THE 8-BALL! Are cops too hard on druggies in New Zealand?

No. The 8-Ball fears no mortal law enforcement. Do you really think a prison can hold a warlock of such great power? Can handcuffs be fashioned from the metal found at the heart of a star to contain this being’s wrath? No. That is the answer you are looking for. Cops aren’t hard enough on druggies. Every stoner they chuck behind bars makes two very lonely, very horny gang members very happy. They can’t go fuck themselves now, can they? ALL HAIL THE 8-BALL! Are spots a disgusting way to smoke marijuana?

The answer is NO! The most disgusting way to smoke weed is as follows: find some new born lambs that didn’t make it through the night and skin them. Then make a pair of sick trousers to wear from the skin. Then get high and it’s pretty gross. You can also freeze a poo on a stick and then eat it while using a bucket bong. This is also deemed REVOLTING! ALL HAIL THE 8-BALL!

It’s rained for a month straight and your flat is so cold it’s developed that freezer-full-of-meat smell. Either that or you’ve got yourself a brain tumour. Your jam of the week: Dream – Things Can Only Get Better.

So. It’s the second semester. Two weeks in. You’re stuck now. Take a look around at the sacks of garbage masquerading as students.

Look at them nodding their heads and occasionally murmuring to show things are still whirring away inside that lump of meat on their shoulders. Your jam for the week: Eddy Arnold – Make the World Go Away.

Cancer: June 22 – July 23 You forgot to change out of that paper. Will you stick it out and scrape through or be one of those mid-semester casualties who wander off the radar, never to be seen again? Your jam for the week: John Williams – Lost In Space theme.

Leo: July 24 – Aug 23 As the cold fist of winter punches its way in, wearing a sweet coat into town will up your chances with the scant-of-clad considerably.

Fashion some sort of battery-powered heater for a 100% hit rate.

Your Jam for the Week: Hello Sailor – Blue Lady.

Virgo: Aug24 – Sep 23 After a stroke-inducing foam party, you’ll find that looking on the bright side becomes essential to maintaining a healthy disposition.

Your jam of the week: DD Smash – Outlook for Thursday.

Libra: Sep 24 – Oct 23 This week you’ll spend most of your waking hours piecing together a slideshow of various shit-eating John Key grins, set to hardhitting trance. Jam for the week: Darude – Sandstorm.

Scorpio: Oct 24 – Nov 22 Be careful who you associate with, as you’ll pick up their moods like a sponge. This also applies to smells, finances, pets. Your jam for the week: Lionel Richie – Stuck On You.

Sagittarius: Nov 23 – Dec 21 You’ll see the ugliest person you will ever see in your entire life, ever. Your jam for the week: Mel C feat Lisa Left Eye Lopez – Things Will Never Be the Same Again.

Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 20 This week you’ll get nostalgic for fairy bread. Stop that. Your jam for the week: The Libertines – The Good Old Days.

Aquarius: Jan 21 – Feb 19 Are you as evil as you make out to be?

YES! Can you not read these words I commit to paper from beyond the void? Does your soul not burn as you struggle to understand how something so evil as me can exist in a universe where there is still light? DO NOT DWELL ON THE DEPTH OF MY EVIL, LEST YE BE SWEPT INTO THE ABYSS WITH IT! ALL HAIL THE 8-BALL! SEND IN YOUR PUNY QUESTIONS TO EDITOR@NEXUSMAG.CO.NZ AND HE SHALL COMMENCE THE RITUAL TO SPEAK WITH THE MAGIC 8-BALL!!!

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You finally get around to trying all the new Mountain Dew flavours (colours?) and they all end up tasting vaguely like watermelon.

A watermelon that somebody took on a long drive and ended up having to wee-wee in. Your jam for the week: The Replacements – Unsatisfied.

Pisces: Feb 20 – Mar 20 This week you’ll find yourself mildly aroused by a Countdown ad. Your jam for the week: Bruce Springsteen – Queen of the Supermarket.

Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 20 Did you know Drew Neemia has a single out? Good grief. Your jam for the week: A soothing dial tone.

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HAMILTON CITY

Liquor ban zones

this map shows the areas in hamilton city where a liquor ban is in place. the solid filled area in the city center has in place a 24 hour ban. if you are caught with open liquor in this area it could result in your arrest and a $500 fine. throughout the rest of the city, as shown by the striped area, a liquor ban is in place between the hours of 10pm and 6am. The liquor ban also applies to the possession and consumption of liquor in a vehicle within a specified public place. The Police have the power to search a vehicle that is in, or is entering a specific public place to ascertain if liquor is present.

26

Legally

Kate Cogswell

Getting Baked

Despite the muffled debate, you are over 18 so you have the legal right to legal highs. What’s your poison? The fact is they all fuck with you.

You can’t let politicians think for you. Intelligence is declining rapidly enough.

New Zealand’s classification of drugs exists in a psychedelic timewarp. It may sound like fun but believe me, it’s not. In an attempt to confine hippies to a life of love and boredom, bureaucrats illegalised the drugs of choice for the 1975 counter culture. Rainbows and dinosaurs took precedence over fact, research and actual harm.

Designer drugs are created to evade legislation and New Zealand has no requirement for substances to be tested before entering the marketplace. In the eyes of the law, they are innocent until proven guilty.

The substances we now find legal have affects that should shock, but for alcohol and cigarettes this is not the case. On the other hand we are amidst a moral panic about the effects and availability of synthetic cannabinoids. Stemming from the criminalisation of cannabis, substances like this receive serious public scrutiny. The horror stories being reported by the media are inciting outrage amongst people who care but these have nothing on the carnage caused by alcohol consumption or cancer sticks. Could we at least be consistent in our not giving a shit?

If you enjoy smoking, you do so knowing the health risks. You either enjoy it or are addicted, in which case the Government would love to claim praise for your call to Quitline. People who dislike smoking seem to cope with cigarettes being on sale in shops and are often quite civil if you adhere to the Smokefree Environments Act. You know the rules. The ill effects of second hand smoke are well documented so it seems non-smokers have a right to care.

New Zealanders are incensed over the easy access and advertising which has set Kronic alight.

Convenience stores have crossed the line in the eyes of many; “you go in there for your bread and milk and you’re confronted by what are drugs”.

"New Zealanders are incensed over the easy access and advertising which has set Kronic alight."

The co-owner of a store which has been selling synthetic cannabis products for 10 years is shocked at the fame these substances have stumbled upon, saying “if you’re not interested in these products you shouldn’t really know about them.”

People are trying the product because it is legal and this is where the law goes horribly wrong. Some innocent, upstanding citizens believe that this means it is safe.

The exact make up of many synthetic cannabis products is unknown. Recent testing has revealed a Class C, prescription only benzodiazepine was present in Kronic’s Pineapple Express and Cosmic Corner’s Puff Super Strength. Phenazepam, is used in very low doses for the treatment of anxiety and bipolar disorders, as well as epileptic seizures. It also has addictive properties.

"Recent testing has revealed a Class C, prescription only benzodiazepine was present" These products are varied and mysterious and must be approached like a ninja. Knowledge is power and we haven’t got a clue. Though many cannabis-imitating compounds exist, the creator of some says not to touch the stuff because, “you just don’t know what it’s going to do to you”.

The immediate ill-effects have been well documented in the media; agitation, elevated heart rate and blood pressure along with nausea and vomiting. Psychosis is another exciting side effect thanks to the lack of an antipsychotic chemical like that which naturally occurs in cannabis. This is a tricky issue because the stuff that goes on in a person’s mind can’t altogether be created by an external substance.

You’ve got to be a bit of a psycho to begin with.

After a self-confessed near-death experience, a regular user of synthetic cannabis said, “It was like having to admit that drugs were bad for you. And that is an idea I cannot possibly live with.”

The issue lies in the double standards. Isn’t natural cannabis safer than synthetic? If proving Kronic is dangerous will see it off the shelves, why are alcohol and tobacco still there? Do our drug laws make any sense?

Find out in the next exciting installment of Make It Up As You Go Along, It’s What Politicians Do.

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Prostitutes le g a l a n d fu n

Call Girl. Street Walker. Whore. Luxury Lover. Many names are given to the line of work that is as dated as the concept of currency. The ancient Romans did it, the ancient Chinese did it, heck, even the Bible is littered with numerous male and female workers of the night.

What follows are three individuals and their tales from the secretive world of Adult Entertainment. Speaking with members of this pseudonym-laden lifestyle was met with a few obstacles. Some took the time to talk to us, some hung up on us, some were busy with clients, and some we just couldn’t understand. Others gave us the charges of their services; a mature brunette offered an $80 half hour special, “everything except the dead back door”.

“I started out when I was 15. Once you start and when you’re getting a thousand plus a week, it’s hard to stop.” This 35 year old transgender sex worker has been practicing her craft for 20 years, finding employment across the country.

She prefers the quiet life of Cambridge, where she is currently based, as opposed to the “full on” demand of windy Wellington. She’s seen a wide variety of people, ranging from prominent sportsmen and businessmen – no persons were named - and estimates students to occupy 12-15% of her total client base. “We see a number of students mainly because they’re curious.”

..................................

Edward (his stage name), spoke about his experiences at an Escort Agency.

He was invited to join at 18, where he started acting as a social escort, being paid by women and occasionally men to act as their partner. By 20 he started providing ‘full service’. “I got into doing a ‘full service’ when I was 20, when a client asked me if I would like to come up to her home and stay the night, and I agreed as she was actually a very lovely girl...Bonus for getting paid for it, too.”

At 23, the majority of his client base is quite high profile and ranges from the ages of 25-40. Edward escorts both men and women, though saves the ‘full service’ for the ladies. He describes his rare student clients as insecure “model types” 28

that have self esteem or boyfriend issues.

“I’ve had one student client in Hamilton, [who] was very attractive and only 21.

She took me out to dinner and a movie, then we went clubbing and back to her flat. She even cooked me breakfast in the morning before she paid me, and I left.”

He hasn’t had many problems with his career, the requests outsiders consider ‘weird’ become just part of the job. He speaks very highly of his work: “all I do is go out and have a good time, then take a girl home afterwards, and I just pretend to be someone else.” With great support from his friends and parents, Edward’s determined to continue escorting until he meets the right girl. “I have no desire to be with anyone at the moment…But I know when I meet the right person I will give it up for good.”

..................................

different to the perceptions of outsiders.

“Women have this view that we’re great sluts, that we’re doing drugs and alcohol.

It’s totally different to what people think.”

They may be ordinary people, though the unordinary situations the work entails cannot be overlooked. Two situations she shared included one man attacking her, and one man dying. A male client had only half the required cash, and grabbed at her neck when she refused her services, while the death was an 80 year old man, who passed away of natural causes in her lounge, drinking a cup of tea. Her clients range from the ages of 26-86, choosing not to cater to a student audience, claiming they’re quite useless in the sack: “All you lot are too much wham-bamthank you-ma’am. You don’t know how to have sex!”

“Women have this view that we’re great sluts, that we’re doing drugs and alcohol. It’s totally different to what people think.”

On the other side of the fence is a 35 year old woman who fell into sex work to pay for her mortgage. “I’ve been working on and off for ten years now, after I split from my husband. We had 4 kids and I only had $100 to my name, along with a huge mortgage.” Through her experiences, she learnt that prostitution is completely

THE ATHEIST EXPERIENCE

WORDS OF WISDOM

WITH SAM THE ATHEIST

WITH MR MINTY FISH

I am not anti-religious, as I am a strong supporter of secular rights, including that of the freedom of speech and expression, which encompasses religion. I do know plenty of atheists who are anti-

This week is all about the guys and getting them laid. “But Jizz, what about all of us single ladies.” Well first of all if you refer to yourself as a ‘single lady’ then you should fucking well stay that way. You’re not

religious, making them antitheists. They are also free to their views, and I agree with them on most points, but not others. I, however, do not count myself among them.

Beyonce. You’re not Bernadette from the Big Bang theory and you sure as hell aren’t a Desperate Housewive so your excuses for having ‘ladies nights’ and doing it for ‘the ladies’ are null and void. You sound like a re-re.

I am an atheistic agnostic. Let me break this down for you: a-, prefix, “without”, theist, noun, “believer in god”. –ic, suffix, “of or pertaining to”, meaning a person who does not believe in god. I’ve explained this before, so that should come as no surprise. Agnosticism in its definition is far different from how the public uses it, similar to the misuse of the word “theory”. Agnostic means “the view that absolute knowledge of a given subject is unattainable”, meaning that one could be fairy agnostic, Russell’s flying teapot agnostic, and so on.

Therefore, I am an atheist who does not believe that absolute knowledge on the subject of god or gods is attainable. “But Sam!” one may muse, “Do you not claim that god does not exist when you say that you are an atheist? You are making a claim as to the absolute knowledge of something!”

I am doing no such thing. I am taking the observable evidence, my scepticism, and applying it rationally. This leads to a conclusion, namely “there is no evidence to any god or gods existing” which can be extrapolated to “there is no god, until there is evidence to prove otherwise.” The key difference in this position is that I am making no positive claim to the existence or non-existence of god, but I am leaving the burden of proof to the people to whom it belongs, namely, the theist.

But that is mostly beside the point. I do not wish the eradication of religion from the face of the Earth, nor do I wish the elimination of religious people. I do, however, wish that there was more rational discourse on religious issues and the existence of god, and that religion had less of a foothold in public life.

But some religious people would wish the elimination of non-religious people. It is a sad truth, but only exposure like this can change that.

My stance on typical gender roles is somewhat skewed. On one hand I use enough foundation, bronzer and hairspray to join Jersey Shore but on the other; I know I’m meant to like The Notebook but I would rather deep throat a cactus. Because of this, if all you want to hear is “be a prince,” then maybe life isn’t your primary option. Don’t get me wrong, the effects of chivalry are not dead. Open a door, hand over a jacket, and pay for a taxi. Beats creeping at the bar in 101 and stealing drunk bitches. Just know that the modern female is privy to your tricks so here is some info to ensure that you are privy to ours.

Myth: All of us want a sensitive guy.

Reality: Sure, be ‘in touch with your feelings’ but if you cry more than we do, I’d be worried that your gf is only into you because she is a lesbian. I just called you a woman.

Myth: We can’t handle our alcohol.

Reality: Granted you might know a chick that lets the side down, do not assume that one drunk bitch equals ‘every girl in the room is wasted.’ Besides, don’t pretend that you’ve never met a guy that power chucked from a Stud Vill window after two beers... I’m talking about you Liam O’Reilly. I’m talking about you.

Myth: You must romance your way to a vagina.

Reality: No. You must get consent all the way to a vagina; but past that point, some bitches just want to get laid.

351 words in and you realise that you read the whole thing and still haven’t gotten laid.

Oh life, thou art a cruel wench.

29

OWEN’S VIEW

THE CHAIR LEG OF TRUTH

WITH OWEN HINTON

WITH CHAIR LEG

I think Total Recall is a brilliant film. If re-released in theatres for whatever reason (3D-ify it?) I would gladly pay to go along if only for the ‘See you at the party Richter’ bit.

What I love the most is how much of a psycho Arnie looks whenever he busts out one of his quips. I mean yeah, they’re for the audience, but in the movie he’s often alone. So here’s a guy who after he kills someone, he makes a joke to himself.

In Commando he throws a massive knife at a guy and pins him to the wall, then grins at him and says ‘stick around’. Does he tell people about them later at the pub?

Is he one of those guys who validate his jokes with ‘well, you had to be there… because I’m actually funny, you just lack imagination when it comes to stories I shouldn’t have bothered telling’.

Total Recall is not deep, but it’s done well. It entertains and it’s enjoyable. I think it takes more skill to make something simple and enjoyable. Take the local V48 hours comp. I watched around 15 of the films and a lot went for dark and serious with abuse themes. These are valid issues of course, and there were good films but for some it just felt like easy art points.

My favourite film was one by some teenage girls that started with a shopping trolley being awkwardly thrown over a fence and then some terrible 4th wall gags. I gave them my top vote which I think annoyed my team mates (I gave our team my 2nd vote. I wasn’t completely without faith though we had some crazy technical errors).

I mean not everything has to be amazing. Your weekend doesn’t have to be EPIC or whatever is the cool hyperbole right now. It’s OK to be un-exciting every now and then because otherwise you wouldn’t have anything to compare the good times to.

Every week my Facebook newsfeed tells me about a life-changing event or a party that’s not to be missed. Every week is un-missably life changing with events that tend to compete for the same times! The illusion is that I have to choose between them.

Screw all that noise, I’m staying home and watching Total Recall.

30

Recently, I was forced (using the term loosely here) to wax a strip of hair from my lower leg. Now, the waxing itself was fine, I’m a reasonably hardy individual, but ever since then, I’ve had a bizarre pain in that shin when I have to walk at speed across concrete. The only logical conclusion I’ve been able to come to is that I removed load-bearing leg hair.

The mind boggles at the fact that women, who undergo such maintenance on a regular basis, are even able to walk at all. Combine that with eyebrow shaping, and having things stuck on to other things, and bikini lines, and so on, and you have to wonder at the fucking point. See, I tore a strip of my glorious leg-curls off, sweet cotton of the flesh that it is, for prizes.

I did it for money, and food, and movie tickets. For one brief moment, I was an attractive version of Paris Hilton, materialistic to the core, out to fix my tangible withdrawals. So I braved the pain, I bit the bullet, and was a few grams lighter as a result.

Women, however, do this for a different reason entirely. As soon as I figure out what that reason is, there’ll be a Nobel Prize waiting for me. Cause it sure as shit can’t be as simple as most people think it is. Waxed legs, and shaved underarms? Does it make you that much more aerodynamic? Are you running away from someone? Are you trying to break swimming records? Can somebody answer me this one question?

It can’t be as simple as making yourself attractive, because the French are notorious for poor personal hygiene, to the extent that the majority of their clothes are woven from their underarm hair. The French, widely regarded as the most slovenly people on our beautiful dichromatic planet, are so sexually driven that even their bread is a prominent phallic symbol.

The Eiffel Tower is nothing more than a wrought iron penis sculpture.

You couldn’t justify making something like that a part of your cultural identity unless your entire country was knee-deep in used condoms.

So why do women shave and wax and pluck and trim and tuck?

Fuck if I know. I don’t think they hand out prizes for that kind of thing on a regular basis, and it doesn’t strike me as the type of event one has to rehearse for. I didn’t, and look at what it won me.

BOGANOLOGY 101

DIARY OF A RAVER

WITH BURTON C. BOGAN

WITH GIG GIRL

What is Metal?

There have been many attempts to define Heavy Metal, which have mostly failed. You can start talking about an emphasis on guitars, but what good music doesn’t use guitars? You can talk about a love of the theatrical, but you can’t get more theatrical than opera with all those fat valkyries singing in Italian. Due to these difficulties, Bogans will define Heavy Metal music by talking about what it’s not. For example, it’s not commercial like Pop music. It’s not music to cut yourself to (Nu-metal aside) so it’s not Emo. The lyrics aren’t singing about fucking your cousin, so it’s not Country music. From these discussions of what it isn’t, we can deduce that genres of music, like Heavy Metal, are less about the music and more to do with the fans.

A prime example of this is the concept of true and untrue Metal.

Essentially this is an issue for Black Metallers, a sub-genre that contains lyrical themes about the grim steppes of Norway. However other sub-genres can be equally as guilty. It’s essentially a way for Metallers to try and out Metal each other, a way of defining who belongs in Metal and who doesn’t. German tanning lotion enthusiasts, Man O War, were famous for the phrase “Death to False Metal” , a phrase that Black Metallers throw around like it’s going out of fashion.

This is amusing as the band Man O War were originally talking about Black Metal – which they considered to be a sub-genre consisting of a bunch of mimes screaming about the Devil. Again, arguments about “true-ness” are more about fans than the music, a way of defining who belongs and who doesn’t. Black Metallers, with their leathers, buckles, and fangs, don’t want anything to do with backwards red cap wearing suburbanites like Fred Durst. They want to feel like the music means something to them, and who can blame them?

Sadly belonging to any group often means the exclusion of others, so that group members can feel like they belong to something worthwhile. Because let’s face it, we all wanted to belong to an exclusive clique at some stage of our lives, just that the Dungeons and Dragons club at school didn’t count. Now that we’re older and aware of how sad things like that are, we listen to music about them, instead of rolling dice.

Stay Bogan \m/

The commercialisation of dance music has begun. Not limited to the underground radio stations, the blogs or the gigs; dance music is fast becoming the music of hipsters and youngsters; and much to my distaste.

Pop artists are now embracing dance music. Beyonce’s song “Run the world” features a “Pon de Floor” bootleg; Neyo’s song “Give me everything” features Afrojack; Britney Spears latest album “Femme Fatale” was produced by Rusko; and there are many other songs and artists that now feature snippets of dance music in their songs.

In the past all genres of music have come and gone as fads have occurred. Dance music has reached that point and it is now considered to be ‘popular’. I’m hearing the same tracks over and over again, in various forms, across various media, just like your commercial top 40 pop music; and as a result I’m becoming sick of it. I actually can’t believe that I even wrote that, as dance music has well been a favourite and passion of mine.

I’m not an individual but I also believe that I don’t conform to trends.

One of my pet hates is seeing people who completely embrace and follow fads or trends in aid of being ‘cool’. In fashion, for example, right now it’s considered ‘cool’ for a girl to wear in combination, a high-waisted skirt, their hair in a top knot and military boots. Much like it is now ‘cool’ for a girl to say that her favourite genre of music is dubstep particularly if trying to impress that certain guy she likes.

I know that you all want to be liked, by not only your peers but also but also by that someone that you may have your eye on. However, if I’m going to give you my words of advice they would be, to be yourself. Just because something is trendy doesn’t mean that you have to pretend to like it for other people to like you. I like dance music, but I also love punk and metal, and right now in particular I’ve been enjoying chilling to a lot of hip-hop and jazz.

Break that mould of being a sheep and try to be yourself. You will be surprised how many people still like you and perhaps be even more surprised when you find out that people may even prefer the real you.

Because life is too short to keep pretending to be something that you are not; and dubstep is really only good in small doses.

31

CAFES: LIKE A BOSS WITH MRS MATTHEWS Frolic Cafe 653 Manukau Rd Royal Oak, Auckland

RANGATAHI IN THE

WORKPLACE WITH THE YWRC

Bereavement leave Your entitlements to bereavement leave may seem to some people as irrelevant, however in times of crisis it is much more comforting to know your rights, as it can prevent further worries.

We came here because I have wanted to eat here for years, I used to read another cafe column and Frolic was the first place that ever got a five out of five. I had made it here for coffee once before and was impressed, so after rocking out to Rise Against at the Logan Campbell centre and waking the next day suitably recovered we were a three minute drive (or a scenic meander through Cornwall park) away.

Not long after entering and finding a seat on the comfy benches a nice girl appeared at our table with water and took coffee orders. I went for a the Lemon Hash which came with poached eggs, bacon and hollandaise, the husband went for his usual fare of a BLAT with chips.

My hash came drizzled with lemon oil and drenched in hollandaise, which made me immensely happy but probably lent to my feeling a little ill by the time we left. It was a strange yet delicious combination of flavours but incredibly rich with the lemon flavours a little overbearing at times. The husband’s BLAT came on a large bap with some of the most delectable aioli I’ve ever tasted. It also came with a little pile of delightfully crispy chips, which I may or may not have stolen several of to dip in my pools of hollandaise.

The Employment Relations Act (ERA, 2000) sets out minimum obligations and entitlements for employers and employees. The ERA states after six months continuous employment with the employer you are entitled to 3 day paid bereavement leave on the death of a spouse, parent, sibling, grandparent, grandchild, child or spouse’s parent. If someone else close to you dies you may be entitled to one day paid bereavement leave, if your employer agrees you are grieving.

That is three days (or one day) per person, you can also use this leave to suit your needs, with consent of your employer of course. For instance you may take two days off immediately after the death and save the third day for the funeral in a weeks’ time.

When I deliver workshops about this many people say to me that three days is not enough and if you have to travel, and/or go to a tangi you may require more time off work. This is one of the reasons why working in good faith is essential. In times of crisis you are going to need your employer to be flexible and work with your needs. Your employer may extend your paid bereavement leave, or suggest you use

The coffee was pretty good, the husband even had two. I was a little disappointed when my flat white came out in a huge cup, the medium size they had on offer, as it hadn’t been asked which size we would like. I understand their motivation for doing this and that plenty of people would like it that way, but I like my coffee short and strong.

Paying more when you wanted less can be a tad frustrating.

annual leave or take the time off unpaid if they want to. If you have an employment agreement these options may all ready be set out.

Frolic’s decor is simple and funky, and they have cushy bench seats along the walls. The staff are friendly and helpful. It’s a little expensive at almost $50 for breakfast and a few coffees. They also have dairyfree cupcakes which is awesome when you have allergic people in your family. The food is really good yet maybe a touch overdone at times.

I’ll be back in Cornwall Park in a couple of weekends and I plan to pop in for another coffee (and maybe a cupcake) I’ll just make sure it’s short this time!

Any question about sick leave call Ana, 07 834 7122, email ana@ywrc. org.nz

32

Please note I have discussed your legal minimum entitlement your employer may provide you with more bereavement leave, it is up to you and your employer to discuss.

HAMILWOOD WITH BEN WOOLLEN

THE SODA INC.

COMMERCE COLUMN WITH NAT GOOD

The Canyon.

We approach the crest of the hill and a signpost comes into view. I have wanted to see this signpost for a long, long time. You know the

FORUM 2011 – Branding an Industry 150 people and over 50 companies actively involved in Waikato’s digital industry were taken through the branding process with Brian

signpost; it’s the one that’s illuminated by limousine headlamps in David Lynch’s 2001 masterpiece...

Richards at FORUM 2011 on 5th July.

“Where to now?”

“How about Mulholland Drive?”

Taking a right off Sunset we descend on Laurel Canyon and its namesake, Laurel Canyon Boulevard. This is the birthplace of the American singer/songwriter. Once home to David Crosby and Cass Elliot and the League of Cocaine Cowboys, The Beatles lived here in the 1970s, and Rick Rubin’s home and studio is right there in front of us. The infamous ‘Wonderland Murders’ took place on Wonderland Drive, Robbie Krieger and John Densmore lived in a house just up the road at #8826. Jim Morrison lived behind the Country Store a bit further down the hill; he penned ‘People are Strange’ on the balcony of #8826. Werner Herzog and Will Farrell still reside in Laurel Canyon, Danny Carey from Tool lives just around the way from Justin Timberlake, who’s not far from one of George Clooney’s homes.

The day focused on two key themes. The first was on building a brand story to transform your business and the second was on intelligent cities and how Hamilton and the wider region can move in this direction.

Keynotes in this conversation included Bill Hutchison – responsible for the intelligent communities transformation of Toronto, Martin Stewart Weeks – director of business internet solutions for Cisco, Mayor Julie Hardaker, Dame Cheryll Sotheran – responsible for TePapa Museum, Mark Flowers – CEO of Wintec, Brian Richards – NZ branding guru and Cheryl Reynolds – SODA Inc. CEO. Television sensation Kay Gregory MC’d the day with Brian Richards, the brain behind brands like Orca, Icebreaker and Steinlager Pure, providing several highly informative keynote sessions that the day was structured around.

It is the most eclectic mix of creativity, a hot bed of musicians, filmmakers, actors, artists, poets, writers, drug dealers, businessmen,

SODA Chair Dame Cheryll Sotheran gave her opening address that talked about the challenges of being a small isolated nation. She said

magicians, entertainers, Beatniks, hippies, and yuppies, all looking for jolt on the good stuff that only Hollywood can provide. It’s also the place of retreat, two minutes from the Strip, a hidden flow of houses nestle in amongst the trees, like a place that knows how to keep a secret safe - until the next book deal is done, of course.

NZ needs to be aware of the future and adapt rather than continue to do what we have been doing. She emphasised the importance of spotting new trends and capitalising on these. She also said that business clusters need to be in value chains rather than just similar businesses doing similar things.

But it’s here, on this road, Mulholland Drive, the road that looks out over Hollywood and the San Fernando Valley and the canyons below that it all makes sense: It’s the allure and the dream of this place. This place exists for those who are willing to get lost in the dreamscape of Hollywood and this road is both the end of the line, and the beginning.

Mulholland Drive - the dividing line between illusion and Reality. An idea so beautifully realised, through all its complexities, in Lynch’s film. Here you have the choice to be anyone, everyone, someone, and no one, all at once… Not such a bad place to be if you want to get lost for a little while. And the rent’s not too bad either – well in the canyon at least anyway.

Contact Scott or Ben at www.chasingtimeproductions.co.nz

Teaching the art of storytelling was the aim of the day. When dealing with a number of these companies operating in the digital industry, they often have groundbreaking and very technological products or services that are not easily understood. Putting these in the context of an understandable metaphor, e.g. hosting company explained as a hotel, makes sense the end users and engages the buyer.

If we get our companies success stories out there the rest of NZ and global technology players will recognise and be inspired by our stories of innovation and success.

You can find out a detailed account of the day thanks to Hamish Kay from WaiktoLink at www.digitalindustryforum.com/forum-2011 To see photos of the day visit our Facebook page SODA Inc. NZ. 33

NEXUS. FOOD. LOVE.

WITH DEE

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I live with a whole lot of girls. There are some very fun aspects to living with five other girls.

One of my favourite aspects of being one in six people in a flat is that we each cook one night of the week, and on Sundays we all take the day off and fend for ourselves.

This week I was completely uninspired about what to cook for dinner.

I had skipped breakfast, and was generally hungry. Trying to make a decision about what to eat later was almost impossible while I was day dreaming about all of the yummy things I could have had for breakfast. Then an idea popped into my head... Brinner!

If you haven’t heard of Brinner before, you are missing out. It has had a mention on Scrubs, and has multiple Facebook pages and websites dedicated to it. The basic idea behind Brinner is having breakfast at the time you would normally eat dinner. And before you ask, having a bowl of cereal for dinner doesn’t count.

There are so many brilliant things to eat at breakfast, but if you are anything like me, there isn’t normally time in the morning to make any of the wonderful things that breakfast can be centred around.

Think things like bacon, sausages, hash browns, eggs in multiple styles, pancakes, waffles, scones, hot cakes, fruit toast, spaghetti or baked beans, fried tomatoes, creamy mushrooms... even thinking about it makes me hungry.

Brinner used to be a fairly regular thing to have a few years ago in one of my past flats, but this week was the first time I unleashed the breakfast-goodness on my cooking night for my current flatties. And needless to say, a combination of pancakes, scones, bacon, sausages and hashbrowns went down a treat.

The most challenging thing about Brinner is the timing. Having everything cooked, hot and on the table can take a bit of negotiation.

Not everything cooks at the same speed, and at the same oven temperature. My pro-tip for Brinner would be to get your flatmates to help. Many hands make light work.

Here is my scone recipe that I used for this week’s Brinner. It is based off an Edmonds recipe, with just a few little changes. These quantities made me 15 palm sized scones.

BRINNER SCONES Ingredients: 4 and a half cups of flour 9 teaspoons of baking powder ½ teaspoon of salt 150 grams of softened butter 2 and a half cups of milk, and a little extra for later 1. Get your oven to 220°C, and put a little bit of flour on the baking tray to coat it.

2. Sift the dry ingredients together in a big bowl.

3. Make sure the butter is softened, and wash your hands. Make sure they don’t have any scunge under the nails. Then put the butter in with the flour mixture, and start rubbing the butter in. Most recipes will say to use a knife and cut in the butter till the mixture looks like fine breadcrumbs, but I reckon use your fingers and keep going till there aren’t lumps of butter.

4. Grab a butter knife, pour the milk in with the mix, and use the knife to make dough. I normally give up after a little while and go back to using my hands to make sure all the flour is mixed in properly.

5. Knead the dough a few more times once it is all combined, so it will start feeling a little stretchy.

6. Put the whole dough mixture on the baking tray, and cut the scones into nice scone shapes. They will grow a bit, so make them a bit smaller then you want them. They will grow about a centimetre on each side, so give them a little bit of space on the tray.

7. Remember the little extra bit of milk I talked about in the ingredients list? Brush a little of it onto the top of each scone, or if your fingers are still messy, just put a little in a cup and use your fingers to dab the milk on.

8. Bake them for about 10-12 minutes or until they look just a little bit golden. Enjoy!

PWNED

WITH ART

CRIME IN VIDEO GAMES: PART ONE Being a villain in video games is getting easier and easier.

Since Custer’s Revenge (where you play, in a way, a rapist) video games have been a battle ground in the war against censorship. To what degree are the video games we play causing us to live our lives differently? Have you ever actually seen a car, pulled out the driver and sped off into the sunset?

Hopefully not.

In this part of ‘Crime in Video Games’, I want to give you an idea of the range of games which place you as a criminal. I’ve spoken about being a terrorist before, but this is very, very different. You see, terrorism is ambiguous. One man’s terrorist, as the old and over-used saying goes, is another man’s freedom fighter. Crime is always crime however.

Perhaps the most famous game in the criminal category is Grand Theft Auto. Any serious gamer will have played at least one, if not all, of the often criticised game. When teenagers go and murder each other, politicians and Christians (yes, Christians - I’m not anti-Christian.

Just stating a fact here) start banging the war drums and blaming violent video games. Grand Theft Auto is at the top of their target list as well. Australia regularly gets bullshit, edited versions of the games we get. With GTA IV, sex scenes were replaced with crappy camera-

locks and even crappier animations of a car bouncing up and down.

Blood and gunshot wounds also disappeared, to be replaced with slightly discoloured sections of clothes.

WEAK SAUCE! But perhaps it is good that we edit some graphic violence out of these games. They are R18, after all. To rent one for a child (yes, even your own child) is as illegal as renting a porno for someone under 18, or buying booze or cigarettes for people under 18. I’m also a firm believer in leaving things to the imagination. Not for any puritanical reasons, but because I believe that no studio in the world has the budget to beat my imaginations special effects budget.

Perhaps the most disturbing crime game I have ever come across was one called Postal. Widely banned on release, Postal 2 (an FPS remake of an older isometric view game) had your character going about his day to day tasks. Along the way, you get the option to kill, piss on or beat anyone and anything.

Needless to say, Postal 2 did not need to be made.

Next week I’ll look at being a cop in video games!

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THE REALM OF INFINITE CHAOS AND COMICS WITH THE HAMMER REVOLVER BY MATT KINDT

PRESENTED BY MARK 1 COMICS AND GAMES 551 VICTORIA ST.

VERTIGO

There are very few things in graphic novels that surprise me.

Last week, while reading Scarlet, I realised this and was suddenly saddened. I have had my perceptions of super heroes given a complete beating with works like The Boys. I have pushed my limits of horror appreciation to the extreme with just about anything that Garth Ennis writes. Stories can only have so many twists and turns in them before you realise that you’ve seen it all before.

This graphic novel was different though. As it was pressed into my hands by Chris from Mark One, he told me it was “QUITE GOOD” and I nodded and smiled. Not in the polite but rude way, but in the way where you’ve heard lots of crappy things called “QUITE GOOD”.

Vanilla Coke is something I was told was “QUITE GOOD”, but I truly, deeply hate the flavour. Georgie Pie is also something people call “QUITE GOOD”, but most of those people weren’t even eating their own meals until well after Georgie Pie closed down. They will never remember being starving, getting five dollars of $1 pies and then burning your face off trying to get them inside of you.

Revolver tells the tale of two parallel worlds, neither one any less or more real than the other. They are both completely possible: in one, a photojournalist is stuck in a dead-end job at a crappy newspaper in a crappy city. In the other, he’s the same guy, but now with terrorist attacks going off all around him. He’s not a super hero in the violent world he finds himself in when the clock hits 11:11pm. He’s just a photojournalist having a really crappy time.

As he travels back and forth between these two worlds, he finds that information gathered in one world can become a useful tool in the other. Knowledge is power. Soon he finds he is not alone in his voyages between these worlds and that the calm in one world is, in a bizarre way, connected to the chaos in the other.

After the first five pages I realised that this book, unlike Vanilla Coke, or Lift, was “QUITE GOOD”!

I read it in one sitting and I shall read it again. One world was like Office Space, complete with cubicles and crappy bosses. The other was like Jericho, a criminally cancelled TV show set in the days and months after nuclear attacks on several major American cities.

Crossing in between becomes too much for our protagonist and he develops severe mental problems. Or perhaps his mental problems are what are causing his cross-world travel. You decide.

This book, like all good literature, will take you out of your comfort zone and make you think about what your comfort zone actually consists of.

Illustrated with a sketch style that may not be everyone’s cup of tea, Revolver is a very busy read and definitely a work out for your brain.

Once you’ve finished it, you’ll start questioning the reality of the ultrarealistic dreams we all get from time to time. Perhaps the reality where you are reading this is not the reality you belong in. Perhaps you should read this graphic novel for yourself and ponder it further.

NEXUS FIGURE PAINTING COMPETITION WE’RE HAVING A MODEL PAINTING COMPETITION! THE RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS: 1) Any SINGLE miniature (no larger than 4inches) 2) Drop off to Mark 1 Comics & Games 3) Entries open the 1st August and close on the 9th Septmeber.

4) Winners announced in Nexus on the 19th September 5) Prizes include heaps of phat loot from MarkOne Comics and Games and Nexus

GET INTO IT AND HAVE FUN! SPONSORED BY MARK 1 COMICS & GAMES 551 VICTORIA ST.

KEVIN PRYOR GOES DOWN ON BOOKS THE AGE OF REASON - JEAN PAUL SARTRE Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, people came to University with lofty ambitions. These included trying to change society, debating philosophy, and making revolutions in personal conciousness.

party. Europe is on the cusp of World War Two and it’s not a time for staying neutral.

Mathieu has reached ‘the Age of Reason,’ or to put it another way, he is in his thirties and feels he should grow up.

Nowadays getting laid, vomiting outside the Outback, and trying to graduate into a corporate role with your own car park seem to be the total of student ambition.

This is not as an easy task as it seems, for to ‘grow up’ would involve sacrificing his freedom. And as Mathieu is a philosophy lecturer (resembling Sartre himself), freedom is a pretty damn important concept to him.

To marry would be to turn bourgeois. To join the communist party would be to lose his independence of thought. This is the

The Age of Reason is about the time when weightier issues were at stake. Not that the main characters don’t get drunk frequently and try and sleep with each other; it’s just that while in the process of doing that, they engage in deep and meaningful conversation.

The protagonist Mathieu has reached a crisis point in his life. He has a mistress who has fallen pregnant. He can’t decide whether he should marry her, or get money to pay for an abortion.

He also feels he should start to do something important with his life. He has left-wing political views and is being pressured to join the communist

theme that drives the book. How can Mathieu maintain his freedom in the face of these circumstances? And what exactly denotes true freedom anyway?

The Age of Reason is one of the most accessible works by one of the world’s greatest thinkers. It also is a fascinating glimpse at life in 1938 Paris, at a crucial juncture of history.

JUDY READS...

THE LAST LECTURE - RANDY PAUSCH AND JEFFREY ZASLOW The Last Lecture is essentially the story behind Randy Pausch’s last lecture. He gave the lecture on the 18th of September 2007, and knew it would be his last as he had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Randy’s lecture was entitled “Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”.

google, Electronic Arts, and Adobe, he got to design virtual worlds, and then design virtual words for Disney. He puts a big emphasis on having fun and living life to the fullest, because you never know what will happen next.

This lecture was modelled on an ongoing series in which top academics have been asked to think about what matters most to them, and then give a talk on the things they would want to pass on if they knew it was their final chance. If you search for it on youtube it’s there. I remember it as being a pretty big deal, with things being said about it on the news and stuff when the lecture was first given and again when Randy died.

I found The Last Lecture to be a really interesting read, despite it being pretty far away from the things I’d usually pick up. The stories and lessons are interesting, and it seemed like a really nice way for him to leave something behind for his children. I can’t even imagine having a terminal illness, 3 young kids and knowing that they probably won’t remember you in 10 years but still wanting them to learn certain things, and for them to know things about you.

The Last Lecture serves to flesh out the bones of the lecture – Randy talks about all the things he wanted his children to know, even if they couldn’t remember him. At times the book made me want to cry, but it’s also full of a lot of happiness. The things Randy achieved during his life are amazing, he has worked for some HUGE companies – like

Randy died on July 25th 2008. I think he really did achieve his goal of leaving something that explained who he was, what he did, why he did it, and what he wants you to know even if he isn’t here anymore. I recommend The Last Lecture, the lessons apply to more people than just his kids and the students he taught while he was a professor.

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PRESENTS

THE BUSTED PAGE

SOUNDSCAPE - JULY 16TH

ALL PHOTOS BY SHANNON ROLFE - SHANNONROLFE.COM

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