issue 19

ALSO: David Bennett 路 Tempo 路 2007 WSU Candidates

Send yours to nexus@waikato.ac.nz and win a Rialto pass.!This week it goes to Andrew McGregor.

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

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Contributed by Andrew McGregor

It was time for my aunt to update her driver’s license photo, so off she went to the AA to have her new photo taken. After having waited for 45 minutes, she finally received her new photo. “Oh my gosh”, she screamed, “this photo is hideous, I look so old and haggard, it looks nothing like me”. “That’s because it’s mine” said the lady waiting in line behind her, as she snatched it and walked off.

Contributed by Barbara Bushton Smithton

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ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

Party Review

By Skot and JR

One Random Night in H-Tron It all began with the invitation to attend a tattoo party on the verge of town. Thinking like any other town slut, I dressed up appropriately in my town attire. But apparently, attending a tattoo party (no matter how close to town it may be) at all times involves black clothing. No exceptions, Iron Maiden and Slayer shirts are a must. Once the “fag” comments had died down a little I made my swift exit to the second party of the night.

I felt a little more welcome at the next party, which was to yet again to celebrate a 21st birthday. As I entered the party I witnessed the birthday boy drinking his yard glass spiked with 300ml of gold rum. Filthy, absolutely filthy. One amusing event of the party was how one of the party-goers made 10 dollars. All I’ll say is that it involved an Osama Bin Laden mask, one BB gun and a whole lot of “derka derkering” As the night drew to a close I called a taxi and heard stories about how the girls in a particular dorm were easy and how we must stop in there on our way home. As we were driving down the road one of the taxi passengers felt the urge to use racial slurs out the window of the car.

This eventuated in us being chased by some cheeky darkies and the taxi driver running a red light. Great fun, honestly! As the taxi dropped us off at the campus dorm a group standing outside discovered that those stickers on the side of taxicabs are magnetic and make awesome fridge magnets! The police however liked the newfound magnets more than us and took them all back, or so I’m told.

Top Three Quotes

I’ve got one word for you girl – Rehab.

Are you drunk yet bro? Well that depends, does the Tin Man have a sheet-metal cock?

Party Rating: 6/10

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See all you boys later, and don’t you worry! You’ll all get your turn on me one day.

Txt me anytime (after 7am) 0274 279319 and JR and myself will review your party.

CREDITS EDITOR

Dawn ‘ancient’ Tuffery nexus@waikato.ac.nz DESIGNER

Matt ‘needs viagra’ Scheurich graphics@nexus.npl.co.nz

CONTENTS COVER STORY

17

Adult Learners’ Week

news@nexus-npl.co.nz

Getting Wasted: How much do you throw away?

In Profile: David Bennett Te Huinga Tauira trip

ASSISTANT NEWS EDITOR

Danielle ‘antique’ Edwards MUSIC EDITOR

M. ‘archaic’ Emery htownslut@gmail.com

8-13 Maori Queen buried, King crowned Bill debate draws crowd Maori students rally for return of grants Mooloo caught with pants down UCI Mountain Bike and Trials World Champs University Men’s Premier Hockey Team Win WSU candidates announced Short shorts Mr Safety Bigglesworth REGULARS

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021 1766 180 NEWS EDITOR IN ABSENTIA

NEWS

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admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz

Joshua ‘primordial’ Drummond

FEATURES

22 23 45

ADVERTISING MANAGER

Tony ‘spring chicken’ Arkell

BOOKS EDITOR

Michelle ‘prehistoric’ Coursey MAIN FEATURE WRITER

Vince Malcolm-Buchanan CONTRIBUTORS THIS ISSUE Evelyn Millar, Hazazel, Andrew Neal, Pheobe Meryll, Rachel Goddard, Ross MacLeod, Mazzy, El Groado, Nick Elliot, Boulanger, Skot, Matt, Brie Jessen, Burton C. Bogan, Martin, The Panther, Nick Chester, M. Emery, Gary Oliver, Uncle Jim, Kazuma Namioka, Joe Citizen, Jeff Rule, Josh Drummond, ASPA, WSU

02 Jerk Jokes

36 Boganology 101

03 I’ve got 5 on it

36 Killing Time

04 Fashion On Campus

37 Rage In A Cage

05 Party Review

37 Chuck + Benjo’s Guide to Society

07 Editorial

38 Activities

14 Lettuce

39 Comics

26 WSU columns

40 Food & Drink

24 Gig Guide

41 Books

33 Chuck and Benjo’s Guide To Society

42 Citric

The views expressed in this publication are not

33 Killing Time

43 DVDs

necessarily the views of Nexus Publications 2003

34 Engine Talk

44 Films

Ltd, any of our advertisers, WSU or APN Media.

34 Split Decision

46 Muscle Man

35 Magic 8 Ball

46 Opal Nera competition

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa

35 Word Freak

47 Busted

Student Press Association (ASPA).

THIS WEEK’S COVER ARTIST: Matt Nexus: Still loves old c*nts

Visit www.nexusmag.co.nz

Editorial

By Dawn

Some of My Best Friends are Adult Learners I was getting nostalgic today and doing some time travel via Tony’s archives. The last Nexus covering Adult Learner’s Week, in 2004, appropriately included the explicit ‘Funnier than porn’ Nexus promo ad, which then proceeded to steal the week’s thunder a bit by getting all manner of publicity around the country. Ah, memories. I couldn’t match that this issue, sadly. All you get is some fairly tame full-frontal nudity - no porn involved.

‘Adult learners’ seems a watery and oddly PC title for the celebrations, given that theoretically most people at university are indeed adults in the eyes of the law. But ‘older people who study stuff’ is a tricky concept to sum up succinctly without offence. ‘Mature students’ is not much better, immediately condemning all sub-25ers to immaturity by exclusion. Add to this the store

Designer’s Word

There are also euphemistic associations with ‘adult’ that offer fun interpretations of the term. Perhaps another time the relatively dry promotional material for the Week could be livened up with images of vibrators and Kama

overtly earnest, have a good work ethic and value studying as a privilege. Tutors appreciate their forthcoming responses (mostly) when faced with a crowd of silent teenaged zombies. Of course, many adult/mature/old students just blend right in with the young punks and you can’t tell the difference. You’ve got to watch out for those ones though. They could strike when you least expect it.

Anyway, you should all go and hug an adult

Sutra seminars. Luckily the reliable Wikipedia reassures us that ‘adult education simply means education for adults, not particularly sex education’. Phew.

learner today. Go for the oldest one around, just to make sure they really are an adult and not some kid with a moustache made out of paper (Matt, I’m looking at you).

However, most people will understand the purpose of Adult Learners’ Week without getting all semantically pedantic. Just to generalise wildly, it’s about focusing on the students who weren’t at school in any year that started with 2, and don’t tend to hang out at the Outback watching girls (or boys) kissing as much as they’d like. They possibly have kids and other Responsibilities.

They’re easy to make fun of because they’re often

In other news, Nexus has a brand new forum at www.nexusmag.co.nz/forum in which you can discuss everything from ‘adult’ topics to cat pianos. Indeed, I believe that’s already happening. We’ll be posting news and upcoming mag topics there too, and you can leave feedback or vote on topics such as what you think of the forum and your preferred WSU president. Do swing by and have a chat.

By Matt about their workbooks.

I have a lot of respect for adult learners. They tend to have a lot more wisdom (usually), world smarts and really value the education that they are doing. For me, personally, being straight out of high school and into a degree course wasn’t really all that tough to do, but mentally I don’t think I was quite prepared to do it so suddenly.

That’s probably how a lot of people might think upon retrospect and I had always thought, “If I’d had one or two years life experience then

maybe I’d appreciate what I’m doing learning in class more.” It’s all completely true -- well, for me anyway.

Nowadays I’m thinking about going back to learning, doing some kind of Fine Arts degree focusing on Illustration, however, I’m still keen on letting this “life” thing ride out a little bit more. Perhaps go overseas a bit, experience some new locations, new cultures, new ways of thinking and ultimately, level up my experience so I can pump up my INT and WIS stats a bit...

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Adult learners, huh? It’s fun making fun of them but actually, they’re pretty cool guys and gals. When I did my degree at WINTEC, I was a young lad straight out of high school. For the next two years I’d befriend an old Maori fellow who was in his late 50s. He was a veritable vault of experience and knowledge and would amuse me with stories of previous lives lead.

My interest too was in piecing how about he came to be where he was that day, what made up the person that was sitting next to me in a classroom full of design students worrying

in Ham East that offers plus-size clothing for the ‘significant’ woman and I am automatically deemed not merely immature but also insignificant. Life’s a bitch.

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Queen Mourned As King Crowned

By Danielle Edwards During the university recess New Zealand farewelled a much loved queen, Te Arikinui Dame Te Atairangikaahu, and a new monarch was chosen to take her place. It was an emotional week leading up to Dame Te Ata’s burial on August 21st, as people flocked to the Turangawaewae marae in Ngaruawahia to pay their respects and mourn a great woman.

The world watched as Dame Te Ata’s coffin was carried by waka up the Waikato river to her final resting place on top of Mount Taupiri, where all Māori monarchy have been buried. Prime Minister Helen Clark told One News the burial had been a monumental and epic day that will live in our memories for a very long time. “What an incredible tribute to see this vast crowd come, not only today, but over the previous days to pay tribute to an outstanding woman leader in

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Māoridom,” said Clark.

Faculty members of Waikato University and students from the Te Tohu Pae Tahi programme attended Dame Te Ata’s tangi and burial, with the students helping out in the kitchens on the Turangawaewae marae. A representative from the University’s staff laid graduation robes at the foot of Dame Te Ata’s coffin during day three of her tangi, in recognition of the Queen’s long association and inspirational support of Waikato University. The University is built on Tanui land and Dame Te Ata received an honorary Doctorate from the University in 1973.

Māori party co-leader, Pita Sharples, said it had been a magnificent week, but Monday was particularly special because all forty iwi had come

PICTURE SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM REUTERS. THANKS GOOGLE IMAGES!

together in agreement in the naming of the new Māori monarch. On the morning of his mother’s burial, Te Arikinui Tuheitia Paki, third child and eldest son of Dame Te Ata took the ornately carved wooden throne, becoming the new Māori king.

At the formal ascension or “Raising Up’ ceremony, Tuheitia was tapped on his head with the same bible used to crown his mother, grandfather and the other four Māori monarchs. Just before he was crowned, the assembled crowd was asked if Te Arikinui Tuheitai Paki should be king. The answer was simultaneous and unanimous - “ae!”.

The 51 year-old father of three, who works at Te Wananga Aotearoa, is said to have the same humility and quiet grace as his mother, and iwi from around New Zealand are responding to this by giving the new monarch their backing.

Ruka Broughton from the South Taranaki iwi Nga Raura, told One News that “the new leader has the family background befitting a king and is the right person for the job.” Te Poroa Malcolm, from Bay of Plenty iwi Te Arawa, said to media that Paki’s appointment marked the dawn of a new era, saying the new king’s mother had left an ideal template for filling her shoes.

According to Tainui chief executive Tukuroirangi Morgan, the coronation of Tuheitai as king presented a great opportunity for Māori tribes to unite and design a blueprint for future social and economic change for all Māori in New Zealand.

Morgan said that the thousands of Māori who attended the late queen’s tangi, showed that there was a real will amongst the people to effect change.

According to Morgan, all tribes will have to work together in order for Māori to have a meaningful voice in the running and direction of New Zealand. Dame Te Ata was often credited with bringing unity to the Māori people and understanding between Pakeha and Māori, and many believe her son as king will continue to do the same, leading a united Māori people into a better future.

The Kingitanga or Māori King Movement began almost 150 years ago in 1958 when the first Māori king was crowned. Potatua Te Wherowhero was elected by 22 different iwi, in an effort to unite the Māori tribes who were struggling to retain ownership of their land against British immigrants.

Though the Māori monarch is a nonconstitutional role and holds no legal power, it is a symbolic role among Māori , invested with a high degree of mana and an enduring expression of Māori unity. All Kingitanga monarchs have descended from the Tainui iwi and the one family line.

In her tribute to the late queen Helen Clark hailed Te Ata as a pioneer, particularly in obtaining a land grievance settlement for her people under the 1840 Treaty of Waitangi. “She stood with her people as they moved to conclude the first major treaty settlement with the crown (government), that took courage,” said Clark.

Bill Debate Draws Crowds

By Andrew Neal The Village green at Waikato University was the stage for a heated debate over the controversial proposed ‘90 Day Probationary Workers Bill’ during the final week of last term.

Wayne Mapp, author of the bill, and Hamilton East MP David Bennett were present to argue the bill’s merits, while Labour MPs Sue Marony and Martin Gallagher were there in opposition. The bill proposes New Zealand workers be given a 90 day probationary period when starting a new job, at the end of which they can be dismissed without cause or the opportunity to file a personal grievance against their employer.

Mapp said the bill would help lower unemployment among Maori youth and other minority groups, increase growth and was “to give people a chance.”

However, Sue Maroney claimed the bill would take away workers’ rights and “was against the kiwi way”. Both sides used statistics on growth and unemployment rates to strengthen their arguments, but these statistics often conflicted, which left many present confused.

A large turnout of students came to watch the debate.

Questions to the debaters were articulate and added greatly to the discussion. Various students, staff and members of the WSU executive staff were vocal in their opposition to the bill, while some students expressed support.

Since the 18th of August debate, which was organised by the WSU and AUS unions, Wayne Mapp has lost support in parliament for the bill. The largest loss came from the Maori Party, who originally supported the bill but now fully oppose it.

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Maori Students Rally For Return of Grants

By Nicola Kean A petition protesting the removal of Manaaki Tauria grants may be considered by a select committee, after a march on Parliament by Maori students just over a week ago.

Veronica Tawhai, Kaituhono of Te Mana Akonga, says other goals of the campaign are to see the return of special funding for tertiary institutions based on the number of Maori students, along with the development of a “Maori perspective” in the current tertiary reforms.

“face to face acknowledgement by the MP’s of our issues went a long way towards addressing the anger Māori students have felt”.

The march marked the launch of Te Mana Akonga’s ‘Manaaki Tonu Te Tauria: Maori

The petition, received by Labour MPs Shane Jones and Dave Hereroa on behalf of Minister

MPs from four different political parties addressed the protesters, with Maori Party MP

development through tertiary education’ campaign, aimed at raising the numbers of Maori students completing tertiary education.

of Tertiary Education Michael Cullen, has been presented to the Office of the Clerk. At the time of writing, however, it is not yet known whether it will be sent on to a select committee for consideration.

Hone Harawira urging those gathered to continue their opposition to the cutting the grants.

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The petition called for a return of the Manaaki Tauria grants, ‘need’ based grants for Maori students formerly administered by the Maori Education Trust, which were cut in May’s budget.

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Tawhai is heralding the march, which attracted several hundred people, as a success, saying

The march was held during the annual Maori students hui over the mid-trimester break.

Tawhai says Te Mana Akonga will be expecting a progress report by the end of the year, and the prospects for change were “looking really promising.”

Waikato rugby player Richard Kahui probably enjoyed watching his team beat CountiesManukau on Saturday 26th. However, the midfield-back shocked audiences later that night when he was reportedly involved in a whole different ball game.

While partying in Hamilton bar The Bank at about 11.30 with friends and teammates, the 21 year old Mooloo was observed approaching a young blonde and uttering the pickup line, ‘I’m horny, let’s go.’ According to witnesses at the bar, the couple then retreated to a semi-private spot behind a wall and had oral sex. Kahui recorded the act on his mobile phone, and then proceeded to show off the video to Bank staff, the Waikato and CountiesManukau players and anyone else who would watch it. He continued to display this video through the evening before allegedly leaving the bar with a cheerleader for the Waikato team and her friend.

WRU management said that they hadn’t heard about Kahui’s actions until Nexus’ request for comment, but would be investigating the incident in due course.

UCI Mountain Bike and Trials World Championships held in Rotorua

By Danielle Edwards, with reporting from Sam. Photographs by Jared.

The slopes of Mt Ngongotaha in Rotorua were the perfect location for the 2006 UCI Mountain Bike World Championships held last week. This is the first time in 10 years that the event has been held in the Southern hemisphere, and mountain bike enthusiasts and supporters from all over the globe converged on Rotorua to see the world’s best. They were not disappointed. The venue, with its eight trial areas, gave spectators fantastic access to all the week’s exciting events, such as the cross-country, the 4-cross and the downhill race.

New Zealand had a strong team of riders, but it was Switzerland who took out opening day gold and continued to dominate in many of the events

throughout the week. They eventually took first place honours.

A highlight for the New Zealand team was Cameron Cole and Sam Blenkinsop taking the gold and silver medals in the junior men’s downhill race. Hamiltonian Cole, clocked an impressive 3m28.29s to win gold, and Wanganui’s Blenkinsop gained back a 2.5 second deficit to take the silver after he came off his bike.

The pair’s stunning performances thrilled the crowd that had lined-up along the 2.2km course, and provided New Zealand’s first ever gold medal in a men’s downhill race. New Zealand came in seventh place overall, but was a definite winner in providing a first class venue for mountain biking’s best.

University Men’s Premier Hockey Team Win Club Competition

By Danielle Edwards In a hard fought game last Wednesday the University of Waikato’s premier men’s hockey team have held on to beat Hamilton Old Boys in a nail-biting 5-4 victory.

The University team were favourites going into the finals, having won the Midland’s Intercity title against Piako Suburbs two weeks previously.

Nick Lawry, team member of the University side, said Hamilton Old Boys played hard, and

gave them a good run for their money during the second quarter. “We missed some easy opportunities throughout the game, but it was a good team effort and we hung on strongly to get the win,” Lawry said.

A good crowd turned out on the Wednesday night to cheer the boys to victory at the Gallagher Hockey centre at Innes Common.

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A Waikato student at the scene said she found the player’s behaviour scandalous. ‘I think it’s disgusting, the way the boys were treating girls’.

PHOTO: MOOLOO.CO.NZ

Mooloo Caught With Pants Down

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WSU Elections for 2007

By Danielle Edwards All candidates have now been officially been confirmed for the upcoming WSU Elections, so it is now up to Waikato students to get informed on who’s running. There are thirteen positions on the executive to be filled. Nexus contains profiles and photos of all candidates in this issue.

Three candidates are seeking to be WSU President in 2007. Incumbent Sehai Orgad is joined by ex-Maori Students’ Officer Kahu Nikora and newcomer Carl Bishop from the mysterious B.O.C. Vice-President seems to be the most highly contested position this year with five students running for the spot.

Full candidate list (+ indicates cocandidates):

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WSU President: Carl Bishop, Kahu Nikora and Sehai Orgad.

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Vice-president: Carl Gordon, Kahu Nikora, Martin Dalton, Megan Moffet and Moira Neho.

Finance Officer: James Greenless.

Women’s Rights Officer: Ana Moriarty.

Disabled students’ Officer: Jeff Hawkes.

GLBT Officer: Timothy Swart.

Sport & Recreation Officer: Glen Delamere and Jason Lum. Campaigns Officer: Liam Kerr and Olivia Beattle.

Education Officer: Ben Delaney + Whetu Taukamo.

Maori Students’ Officer: Renee Rewi, Tatiana Hohepa + Elaine Kameta.

Environmental Officer: Josh Strong, Katy Dimmendaal + Claire Taylor and Rowena Smith.

Mature Students’ Officer: Alan King + Kerry MacKay, and Vincent Malcolm-Buchanan.

Tauranga Officers: No-one ?

Campaign suggestions: Campaigning for the elections starts on September 4th, so put some effort in, candidates.

• Parties, free food, alcohol or wiping student debt will all go a long way • Bribes, dirty tricks and undermining your opponents in the media are encouraged • A Uni Idol style sing-off on the Village Green • Free dark chocolate for all • Stunts. Crazy crazy stunts There will be an Open Student Meeting on September 13th (venue TBA), where candidates will speak and voters can ask questions. So come prepared, make them earn your vote and leave no stone un-turned in your quest for truth.

Voting will start on Monday September 18th and go for three days till Wednesday September 20th. If all goes to plan the official count will be announced and the winners notified on Friday September 22nd.

been known for another few weeks, when all donations have been collected and counted.

Student President Strikes at fees increase

Cancer Society says a BIG Thankyou for Daffodil Day Support

Danielle Edwards President of the Massey Albany Students Association, Josh Clark, has gone on a hunger strike in protest of a domestic fee increase proposed by the University.

“I am personally disgusted, and the signalled move by the University to increase domestic fees by a massive 10% is an injustice to the students.

My hunger strike is in protest to this,” Clark said.

A 10 percent increase in course fees could see students attending Massey University paying an up to $500 extra for study in 2007.

Danielle Edwards A wonderful response by the public for the Cancer Society’s annual Daffodil Day has seen the Waikato/Bay of Plenty region raise more then $500,000 for the appeal. The Cancer Society receives no direct funding from the government, relying entirely on donations and fundraising.

Daffodil Day’s regional coordinator, Erin Brown, said, ”Daffodil Day is vital to the Cancer Society, but with one in three New Zealanders affected by the disease, it is a cause close to people’s hearts.”

Daffodil Day not only raises funds , but

Josh also called for the government to “front up” and properly fund New Zealand’s public tertiary education system, so that universities would not need to place extra costs onto students.

Clark said per student contribution from the government had decreased over the past 10 years and that this was not good enough.

Massey University set its 2007 tuition fees at the University Council Meeting in Palmerston North on Friday, September 1st and a “No Fees Increase” rally was held by students before the meeting commenced.

also heightens awareness of cancer in our communities and the services/support the Cancer Society provides. “One of the most important messages about Daffodil Day is that all the money donated in the Waikato/Bay of Plenty will be spent on cancer services in the region,” Ms Brown said.

Such services include transportation of people affected by cancer to doctor’s/hospital visits, advocacy, information and support programmes.

Ms Brown said the Cancer Society was extremely grateful to everyone who supported the appeal and gave a special thanks to all the volunteers who collected on the day.

Final amounts raised for the 2006 Appeal won’t

Mr. Safety Bigglesworth

WITH THE WEEKLY CRIME AND SAFETY GUIDE

laptops and other smaller items.

Police have noticed a trend in recent weeks where houses with insecure doors and windows have been burgled. Hamilton East continues to be hit hard.

Cretin thieves have of course been active over the holidays, and from the breakdown that follows, I figure ‘tis because you lot have been slack. Leaving your houses unlocked? Idiots. You practically deserve to be robbed.

Senior Sergeant Paul Jermy says that 48 burglaries occurred across Hamilton city last week. While there was a pleasing reduction in some areas (particularly West Hamilton), the Hamilton East area continued to be an area of concern for Police, with 21 burglaries committed in that area.

Burglars are taking advantage of insecure houses in Hamilton East and helping themselves to

“Of particular concern and frustration for Police is the lack of security precautions taken by some

Amanda Crozier The University of Waikato School of Education are organising the inaugural ‘Our School of the Future Challenge’ involving year 12 and 13 students from high schools throughout Hamilton.

Competition Designer and School of Education lecturer Terry Locke said the challenge, happening September 13, aims to encourage our students to think critically about the education system that they are part of.

The students challenge is to present their vision of a school of the future. The teams will be judged on their presentation skills, quality of content, team work, audience reaction and the use of technology.

The winning members will each gain a scholarship for their first year of study at the School of Education. If you wish to check it out for yourself then head along to the WEL Energy Academy of Performing arts at 7pm.

The competition is part of a free public lecture series open to all the public which started in August but will continue running through until September 20. It is held every Wednesday at 7pm, WEL Energy Academy of Performing Arts, University of Waikato.

residents. Many of the houses burgled were entered through insecure doors and windows,” Mr Jermy said.

Thieves are continuing to target easily removable items such as laptops and smaller electronic items. Police are still making a good number of arrests for burglaries, but it is important that residents report anything suspicious to police immediately.

Anyone with any information regarding burglary suspects can phone the Hamilton Police burglary squad on 07 8586200 - or information can be left anonymously on the 0800 BUSTHEM crimeline.

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Greetings, stupid students. Enjoyed your holidays? Didn’t think so. You probably had a shit time because you were hung over or burgled, right? One of the two. That, or you caught Chlamydia, but you probably had that already, if you’d been living here for more than a month.

Word of advice: celibacy works, people. No pregnancy, no STDs.

Schools Go Futuristic

There you go, kids. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

And if you catch a thief, drop it in a deep, dark pit in your basement, and make a dress out of its skin.* Make sure it uses plenty of lotion, or the skin will dry and crack. Trust me, I’d know. *Don’t actually do this.

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A good crop of letters this week. Join in by emailing nexus@waikato.ac.nz, or posting your thoughts in the Lettuce section of our new forum – www.nexusmag.co.nz/forum

Lettuce Policy

Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page – serious or otherwise. Letters should be no more than 250 words and received by 5pm on the Tuesday before publication. All letters will generally be printed so give it a bash, but the editor retains the right to abridge or refuse correspondence.

Bad spelling and grammar will not be corrected. Pseudonyms are acceptable but all letters must include your real name and contact details even if you don’t want them printed (and they won’t be printed!). We discourage the use of pseudonyms for serious letters.

The former, sort of. Hard copy letters that aren’t emailed occasionally vanish into the ‘For some lucky person to type up’ folder and then reappear 6 months later. But your letter is now below. Sorry to ‘Lazarus Long’ also, whose letter about S block was in the same folder. Shall we still print it?

Lettuce know - Ed

No re-leaf from stinky blowers

the back page of the nexus. Girls pashing is gone beyond the point of interesting. Its not even mildy humorus, its downright filth lowgrade rubbish. How come there isn’t naked guys on the back page everyweek?

If I was to put the pictured females into a category, it would be ‘strainers’. These girls strain or try so hard that the have to lower themselves for males enjoyment just to put there faces in the nexus. It is not event their whole face. They would be much better off turning around and looking at the camera so we could see their whole face. Thus gaining the attention the much so desire. I think this idoitic display of females sucking face needs to be stoped. If i wanted to see it i would go and hire out a cheap and nasty porno, not pick up a copy of the nexus. The mere fact that the photos of these trashy wannabes is enlarged makes me wonder if the photograper needs to get some female

Selling your soul at the crossroads

use them because the leafs get just blown back again after a few minutes anyway, but the motor of that thing has by then disturbed an endless number of students who were just minding their studies or trying to have a quiet break, poisoned the environment with the exhaust gases and has probably caused some hearing loss to innocent bystanders who were just happening to stand close by when the machine went off. The gardeners don’t have to worry that much, they are wearing earprotection.

So please, can someone tell me why they can’t use a broom? What’s wrong with using a broom to sweep up leafs and put them away? That’s more environmentally friendly and causes less hearing loss and stress for harmless students on campus.

If you only do this because you don’t have anything to do, why don’t you clean the lake? or pave some of the mudholes that develop where you stopped paths short like on gate 2b?

action of his own...or pick up a copy of the FHM on his way home.

a book on early European culture, or do a web search, or I could even ask a pagan.

From non strainers anonymous.

iii) don’t ambush me on the way to class asking if your lord and master can please have my soul, like I said, if I wanted to join you, I’d come to you.

What are you going to pull next? Coins in the bottom of people’s V-cans? Press-gangs? Which brings me to a frightening coincidence, what’s the link between the Navy and charismatic Christian groups? The Village People.

Letter of the Week Pash Rash

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

I really think the photographer for ‘busted’ needs to find a more interesting topic to fill

Non Strainers Anon has won themselves a $5 Campus Kiosk voucher. Come to the Nexus office to claim your prize! If you’re lucky, we’ll get some girls to kiss for you too...

The wrath of Rodgort Y’all didn’t pooblish ma letter. Ees that cos y’all done lost it, or cos of sensormanship?

I would like to send a message out to all salesmen (and women) selling their religious ideals to random uni students. Your tactics are tricksy and often rude. Does it not occur to you that most students are happy with their current (ir)religious status, and that if students/staff wished to join you , they would come looking for you? I have a few suggestions for your collective: i) don’t interrupt people’s conversations to find out “how students think”. If we wanted to talk to you, we’d ask you to join us, but butting in and causing groups of conversing people to hurriedly disperse is DOWNRIGHT RUDE. ii) stop using such shifty tactics to boost your membership. If I wanted “free money”, I’d get an interest-free loan, if I wanted to know “what Easter is all about”, I’d go to the library and read

iv) don’t hate homo’s. Just because the bible says homosexuality = bad, doesn’t discount them from “love thy neighbor as thyself”

RAAAAAARGH!

I just really really really would like to use the lettuce pages to tell the gardening people here at university that their leaf blower machines suck!

Thye are useless, loud, stinky, annoying and a nuisance to everybody who is not really really far away from them. It is also completely pointless to

a really really really annoyed and partly deaf student who will encounter lung problems because of the exhaust gases.

Big ups to the sluts Now in an edition a wee while bag, some dudes were bagging the town sluts. Their homohawk call was dead on, but I got to say “respek” to the town sluts, those beautiful big titted women of the night.

If it weren’t for them, a lot of guys like my self would never have any action at all, so ladies, thank you for putting it out there, and god bless you all, but be careful, be safe.

Rogort T. Tarinbourn Rodgort T. Tarinbourn

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God Bless,

Lettuce Mike

Disgruntled Car Guy This has been long overdue and I have been too busy to get this thing out earlier so finally when I have the time, here it is.

I enjoy cars a lot (read, obsessed) and my favourite choice of cars are oldschool and rotaries. Nothing annoys me more than someone talking shit about things they know nothing about.

This in case you haven’t figured, is focussed towards the engine talk guy.

video, oh dear God. Such a god-awful attempt at being “arty” with the circus freaks and the groom becoming the leader at the end. Would you ditch your hottie of a fiancée (just because she’s a tad promiscuous) for a horde of circus freaks? Didn’t think so. And, what’s with the using of the line Natalie Portman says to Clive Owen from the film “Closer”, “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off…but it’s better if you do” as the title of two of their singles?

WANKERS!!!

the rights of males, especially European ones, the law offers them no similar recourse. The socialist aegis of political correctness only protects blacks, gays, women and other minority groups. This stupid political philosophy started in the USA in the 60’s and has been proven to be a failure; such only helps set gender against gender, race against race, which is why we have the worst rape statistics of any European country. Such is the legacy of social engineering. Well done Victoria University Students Association, helping hurt our women.

I was annoyed that you did a shit job on a rotary article but that was all water under the bridge, but since you have brought it back up, you shall feel my wrath.

Okay, I’ve finished venting. So, firstly, thank you for reading “Chuck and Benjo’s Guide to Society” and, furthermore, enjoying it. But, when mentioning that just because you listen to Panic!

At The Disco and My Chemical Romance, does that make you emo, I say, overwhelmingly so, that no it does not. It’s just that they perfect examples

First of all , you say, and I quote “You get guys who drop one in an old shitbox, turn the idle down” I don’t know where to start you’re so off. I’ll begin

of the emo lifestyle. Their straight black hair, their tight jeans and their whiny outlook on life are all indicative of being “emo”. But, you may not be emo. In fact, you may be very happy and cheery

It is with dismay that I see our police are now allowed to use Tasers against citizens. I don’t know if anyone else feels the same way, but the moment one of my friends gets one used upon

and loves animals. So, Miss Not Emo, my reply to you is that you can listen to mediocre, cookiecutter music like the aforementioned bands and not be emo.

themselves, I will never help any policeman again, regardless of any considerations. If they ever use one on me, I will actively and vigorously seek redress against the police force. Given their poor track record of consideration for members of the public they interact with, it is only a matter of time before someone dies.

by saying that its not the idle speed that causes the throb, it’s the porting of the engine, and the fact that it’s a rotary. On top of this, if you port a rotary, it actually increases the idle speed, and does not lower it and like any car, if you lower the idle, it will stall.

Next on my list is your choice of tact on sleepers, or mainly a “little rolla” What’s wrong with this you may ask? For a start, oldschool rwd rolla’s are a high target for thieves, regardless of what they have under the hood. And as for the newer rolla’s i.e. The fx-gt’s, they are targeted highly anyway, due to the ease of entry and theft, not because they are fast (since they are not.)

In closing I’d like to say when you don’t know what your talking about, shut up. You have been wrong many times before and I can let most of it slip, just not when you talk about the kind of car I like.

The answer to this lack of knowledge is simple, go ask someone who knows, or research your shit.

He’s not emo either Just to be clear with you, Miss Not Emo, I hate Panic! At The Disco. I loath them. Their single “I Write Sins not Tragedies” is truly bad. The level of self-importance is astounding. I mean, “I chime in with a/”Haven’t you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?”/No, it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.” Come on. What wankers. And that

Besides, all is fair game in the world of satire.

Enjoy.

Benjo.

nicholas keesing

And Taser germs..

Yours faithfully nicholas keesing WEEKLY POLL

“What do you think of the new Nexus Forum?”

Great idea!

P.S: I’d like to now advertise for www. burntfaceman.com, the first gay superhero with burnt face powers. Go there and your life will be the same.

P.P.S: No, going to the above website will not make you burnt.

Ew, they’ll get girl germs I have only utter contempt for the hypocrisy of the decision regarding the forcing of men’s only barber shops having to cut the hair of females.

There are women’s only gymnasiums, women’s only areas in various universities, and other gender segregated areas (for women). I find it peculiar that when the contentious issue regards

63% / 12 VOTES

Yeah, it’s cool 0% / 12 VOTES

Completely stupid 5% / 1 VOTE

Needs more Cat Piano...

31% / 6 VOTEs

But what is this?

We’ve got a new weekly poll now that’s taken from our new forums. Go sign up and participate in the fledgling Nexus online community!

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Tim

And, I happen to like Britney Spears’ “Toxic”.

Does that make me gay? No, it just makes me an awful human being. We don’t make a habit to classifying people based on their musical tastes.

We do, however, make a habit of pointing out the failings in many groups in society. People

Yours faithfully

www.nexusmag.co.nz/forum

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Opinion

Take this article as critical thinking about what’s realistically happening in NZ, but it’s not meant with meaningless anger. Thanks! – R. MaLeCaT Bullshit No.1 “New Zealand has a good environment to study and live in” Answer: I partly agree with that, the natural environment is absolutely good indeed, but not the social. NZ social environment is even worse than Australia. Pretty bad public facilities, services and bad economic environment. Heaps of drugs, whores and gangs in big city, poor government rules that cannot catch up with the population increase, causing a damn high criminal rate. That is the true face of New Zealand now.

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Bullshit No.2 “New Zealand has a high educational rate in a world range” I am fuckin not disagreeing with that. Most people are going to work when they finished college, Can that be considered as a HIGH EDUCATIONAL RATE? You must be fuckin joking, mate! In some

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developing countries such as China and India, it’s very hard to find a job even with a graduate degree, or Masters. I was wondering what are your people proud of? Perhaps, rugby is more important than the educational rate, huh?

Bullshit No.3 “New Zealand is the first country to establish women’s rights.”

Look around at the crazy ladies driving and rushing through the road, look around at the nut girls screaming in the red light district, and the number of women is even more than men! Look around at the young girls standing outside the building smoking. Yep, yep... in NZ, women really do have rights now. A good thing, huh? But I have to say – go to hell.

Bullshit No.4 “New Zealand has no racial discrimination” Well, it was true a few years ago maybe. But no one will believe it today. It’s a mess, huh? Pretty hard to explain.

Bullshit No.5 “New Zealanders are friendly to overseas visitors.”

I have to admit that saying New Zealanders are not friendly is unjustness, and thinking about it, you are doing 100 good things to show the goodwill of New Zealanders. BUT, there are another group of people, your NATIONAL GUARD, NZ CUSTOMS, taking fuckin rude ways to treat EVERYONE COMING FROM OVERSEAS! Yep, you know, check. What check? Check everything, it’s everything in here. You’ve got no rights to do anything except listening and following what those fuckin’ dogs said. During the check, you can’t even make a phone call, and my friends waited for me outside of the airport for 3 hours! NZC put all the things out even something are very private, where is the fuckin NZ private law?! Where are the fuckin friendly New Zealanders? ONLY WILD ANIMALS HERE. They check everything even if you didn’t bring anything prohibited on the list. When you walked through the channel, the people looked at you as though you were an animal, their dirty eyeballs filled with distrust in you. I feel sad... really sad. The behaviour of NZ customs left me with no alternative but to say – ‘New Zealand Customs SUCK!’ Conclusion - Traveling to NZ to live and study is the right choice?

Answer: You believe it...you’re a jackass! Well, personally I will say: I’m pissed off!

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

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Adult Learners’ Week Material compiled by Vince Malcolm-Buchanan

If you’re an adult learner, does that mean that I’m a child learner?

By Associate Professor Joyce Stalker Chairperson, Adult Learners’ Week/He Tangata Matauranga Committee

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During Adult Learners’ Week/He Tangata Matauranga, that’s a good question to ask—and yes, there does seem to be something special about an adult learner.

According to theory and research, adult learners tend to have particular characteristics which require a special style of teaching - something different to pedagogy which guides the teaching of children. Andragogy, the science of teaching adults, takes into account that adult learners tend to be, more than children, self-directed, prefer problem-solving, the immediate application of their learning and bring many experiences to the learning situation. Since some argue that these characteristics can be seen in children as well, I prefer to add another characteristic: adults have the potential to be informed, active citizens.

But, you might ask, “Am I an adult?” Well, you might want to call yourself an adult because of: • Your chronological age --- Legislation which decrees you are an adult --for drinking, driving, voting, going to war age, getting married—each of which may be different from the other!

• Your social roles and responsibilities – so you might be responsible for yourself and your decisions, or take care of others (children, your parents) • Your physical maturity—in some societies, a girl’s first period marks a passage from childhood to adulthood • Your passage through a cultural rite which marks you as an adult—is that what those 21st parties are about?

This University has a particularly strong relationship with adult learners. First, our university has consistently, through the years ranked first, among all NZ universities, in its proportion of adult students in degree

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programmes. In 2005, 40% of our students in degree programmes were over the age of 25. This year, the School of Education had the highest proportion (49%) of students over the age of 25, followed by Law (40%), Maori and Pacific Development (38%), FASS (27%), Waikato Management School (26%) and Science and Engineering (25%) and Computing and Mathematical Science (19%).

Second, our Centre for Continuing Education has, since the mid-1970s provided a diverse selection of short courses to meet the needs of our wider community. In addition, they have for many years offered ‘return to university’ programmes for adults. Finally, the University has a dynamic group of researchers sprinkled across the campus who have interests in adult learners and adult education/training. It is no surprise then, that the University of Waikato has taken a strong lead in celebrating Adult Learners’ Week/He Tangata Matauranga.

The Week is an international UNESCO celebration which is now celebrated in over 40 countries around the world from Albania to the United Kingdom—usually in the week which includes September 8, UNESCO’s International Literacy Day. Its aim is to give a voice to learners, to reach out to excluded and marginalized adults, to strengthen the partnerships among all providers, in particular between NGOs and government agencies, and to assist in promoting the culture of lifelong learning.

Since 2000, the University has awarded 3 Vice-Chancellor Adult Learners’ Awards of $1000 each to adult students and organised celebration events during The Week. This year, the WSU has sponsored two additional awards.

Their support, through the Mature Student’s office, also has made possible a sausage sizzle and entertainment on Wednesday Sept 6 at noon at the shops, and additional promotional materials which will be distributed during The Week through a variety of outlets.

So --- if you are an adult learner, have a great Week and pat yourself on the back for your successes and know that the university appreciates your contributions. If you know adult learners, tell them how great they are and what wonderful role models they are to all of us.

Adult Learners’ Week comes to the University of Waikato The week of September 4 to 10 has just been declared a United Nations week in order to celebrate adult learners internationally. The University of Waikato is going to take part in Adult Learners’ Week for the first time this year.

The week has been designed to celebrate the efforts, achievements and contributions of adult learners, to recognise the important roles played by adult educators, and to promote the importance of adult learning to the wider community.

Research and theory suggest that adult students are unique as learners because they tend toward self-direction, are problem-centred and like to apply their knowledge immediately. Adult learners can become socially and politically active quickly, and consistently prove themselves with their academic success and performance levels.

Research has also shown that adult learners tend to achieve high success and performance rates as the result of their higher motivation and commitment to study, and generally better timemanagement skills.

Visitors will accompany students to their normal courses during normal hours. This is NOT an open house, rather an opportunity for a partner, parent, child or whanau member to experience a university seminar or lecture with the student.

Lecturers and tutors are encouraged to participate in Adult Learners’ Week; however they are not required to do so. If lecturers do not wish to participate, they should clearly state this to students, however students are required to seek permission from lecturers to bring in someone in prior to Adult Learners’ Week.

Staff may have to limit visitors’ participation because of safety, space or privacy restrictions.

Seminars which are student-led will require the student’s permission.

Adult Learners’ Week is being promoted by the UNESCO National Commission in Wellington, the Adult and Community Education Association of Aotearoa/New Zealand and the National Resource Centre. It has been celebrated internationally for several years in countries as diverse as Australia, South Africa and Slovenia.

Previously, Adult Learners Week has been celebrated in the School of Education. This was received well, and it is believed that the Week will be of great benefit to all of the University.

Adult Learners’ Week

WAIKATO STUDENTS UNION MAKES HISTORY IN 2006 WSU has made a mark in the annals of our institute’s history by aligning directly with the Vice-Chancellors recognition of this international event. Not only has WSU matched the current budget-line amount (of $5000) but this has led directly to two additional Adult Learners Awards; each of $1000.

Congratulations Waikato Student Union!

Some Updates On Previous Recipients Neil Burne THEN (2004) As a financial advisor Neil Burne often listened to his clients’ problems. When it was time for a career change, he considered the social sciences but didn’t think he would meet the university standards. He enrolled at Polytech, but found it didn’t satisfy his learning requirements. So Neil came to Waikato University.

Life as a mature student has been good for Neil. “It broadens your whole mind, and allows you to back up your own opinion and feel good about your contribution.

NOW (2006) With a double Bachelors degree in Management and Social Sciences Neil is continuing to strive towards the completion of his.

Andrew Baird Degree:

Bachelor of Arts, Majoring in Screen and Media

Career Aspirations:

To run a film production company After working in the New Zealand Armed Forces for over ten years Andrew Baird decided that a career change was in order.

“I made a choice to leave a military background to study fulltime. There was immense mental preparation in making such a significant career and

life change”.

Andrew believes that his BA has brought him a significantly higher skill base, and Waikato University has been pivotal in establishing strong contacts for future career aspirations in the film industry.

“At present I have a large network of like minded people who are combining to ensure mutual successes”.

Although it was sometimes tough, Andrew has many fond memories of his time at Waikato, especially the vibrant social and cultural environment. “I particularly enjoyed my time as the Mature Student Representative on the WSU; it enabled me to meet a diverse range of people, and gain amazing networking opportunities. It is also a

revitalising feeling to be at the end of your degree; to finish what you started is well worth the wait and endurance. It’s also the people you meet during you university journey that help you get there in the end, so never forget that.”

Andrew’s advice for those contemplating a switch to tertiary studies: “To succeed at university level, don’t be afraid to think outside the square. Give it your all, don’t give up, and listen carefully. Choose your degree path wisely, and maintain a balance between your social life and living comfortably. With these elements in check, I am sure you will get the most out of your university experience. I believe that university is what you make of it and additionally what you put into it”.

Theodora Wickham THEN (2004)

NOW (2006) Now completing her Masters Thesis and a grateful recipient of a FASS Masters Award this year - Theodora is also an avid Bridge player and overall active adult learner. I made a quick phone call to Theodora to ask for a personal message for aspiring and current adult learners. “I would undoubtedly encourage older people to either continue or take up University studies…”

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Waikato University adult learner Theodora Wickham says she didn’t get taught how to write essays properly when she was at school. But that was in 1946, and things have changed since then. But this hasn’t stopped Theodora from giving it a go. At 70 she enrolled at the university’s satellite campus at Tauranga, for a “bit of fun” and to fill a gap. She took Roman History, a level-two paper and achieved an A-. Not bad for someone who hadn’t picked up a text book in over 50 years.

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Adult Learners’ Week

Waikato University 2005 Vice-Chancellor’s Adult Learners’ Award Winners

Anne Norton – Joshua Steiner – Jillian O’Brien Anne Norton Anne is a single mother of two who is her third year

an undiminished enthusiasm to succeed. A conscientious

of a Bachelor of Science (Technology) degree. Prior to

student Anne has achieved mainly A and B grades. Her

university Anne worked as a qualified clothes machinist.

lecturers and fellow students regard her as a cheerful,

She identified university as a way of improving her

approachable student whose positive and cheerful

prospects, but realised that she would have to return to

attitude to life is contagious. She always supports younger

college to gain the necessary entrance qualifications.

students, encouraging them to persevere with their study

even when life gets tough.

Since starting her degree Anne has had some

setbacks due to illness, but has continued to study with

Joshua Steiner

Jillian O’Brian

Joshua is currently enrolled in a Bachelor Science (Technology) within

Jillian has travelled the world as an artist and writer and has returned to

the School of Science and Engineering. Joshua has previously worked

New Zealand to re-establish her Māori heritage, via a Bachelor of Arts in

as a gypsy craftsman, on the road selling wooden handcrafts. Joshua

Māori, amongst other things. She actively organizes study groups with

seems to have an “I want to do more” philosophy on life and has an

her fellow students, and has proven her abilities in the classroom with

impressive enthusiasm for science. He is passing on his enthusiasm for

grades of not less that A- since she enrolled in 2004. She is a very active

study to others, and in particular, to his 6 year old son who, seeing his

member of her community, participating and supporting Te Kohanga

father’s success, now aspires to go to university

Reo and her local Marae and coaching basketball, amongst other things.

Jokes!

The census taker knocked on Miss Kimball’s door.

She answered all his questions except one.

She refused to tell him her age. “But everyone tells their age to the census taker,” he said. “Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?”

“Certainly.” “Well, I’m the same age as they are.” she

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

snapped. “As old as the Hills,” he wrote on his form.

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

Oh, it’s not over yet, says he. Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box.

She opens it in anticipation, but what are these two little pills?

Aspirin, says he.

But I don’t have a headache, says she.

GOTCHA!

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Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood.”

She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

THE NEXUS GUIDE ON HOW TO SPOT AN...

By Nick Maarhuis • Addresses lecturer by first name always - “Jim, …”

• Starts all sentences with “In my experience…”

• They’ll give their own thoughts, however unwelcome, because maybe the professor hadn’t thought about the subject from their unique perspective - “actually, I feel that the …” Because unlike your achievement of fifth form certificate (or higher), they have been to the School of Life • They’ll then proceed to go off track, while everyone in the lecture waits for them to shut the fuck up - “I once had a nickel…”

• Wrinkles • Eyes open and sitting upright for the entire duration of the lecture • Grey and thinning hair • Funky smell • Either no style whatsoever, or dressed in corporate apparel, in preparation of their return to conquer the business world • Hand permanently up, as to maximise their learning by asking as much questions

as possible, even though it’s a lecture, not a tutorial • First person into the lecture theatre, all ready with stationary set out in front of them • Must sit in front row so that they feel like they’re the only one in the class. This also helps for their question asking and/or their poor hearing • Will answer any question asked by the lecturer (even rhetoric), because other students don’t put their hands up, so they obviously don’t know the answer • Small accomplice, blatantly too young for university, getting a free education

Don’t be fooled by the question asking and answering of these oldies, if they were that smart they would it was free. The adult learner/ mature student/ old fogey sitting next to you could occasionally actually be some help to you. I’m not sure how, but they must be good for something at some point in time (maybe for a cooking recipe or something).

Whatever the case, they deserve a fair go cos after they graduate, they won’t be going on an OE, won’t be headhunted by a big company, and by the time

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

have gone to university decades ago, like when

they’re two rungs up the corporate ladder they’ll be too old for prospective employers to want them.

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My kitchen drawers and cupboards are bulging with plastic bags of every size and description. They are thrust eagerly upon me several times a week by shop assistants, manufacturers and retailers. In fact in some stores when I have declined the ubiquitous plastic bag I have been informed that it is shop policy that I am required to take one.

New Zealanders dispose of a whopping 800,000,000 plastic bags to landfill each year, or around 22 million plastics bags a week.

That shopping bag from the supermarket takes approximately 15 years to break down in a landfill, and 10 million ‘disposable’ diapers dumped in landfills weekly take over 75 years to break down.

Polystyrene never breaks down.

There are seven different types of plastic, yet only four are normally recycled. Don’t be misled by the recycling symbol on the base of plastics which give the impression that the product can be recycled.

In Auckland and Hamilton City only types 1 and 2 are recycled. These are generally PET drink bottles and HDPE Milk bottles. More plastic types aren’t recycled because either, it is not economic and there is no market, or the plastic cannot be broken down easily and reformed due to its

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

chemical composition and bonds. Some plastics like PVC contain phalates and benzene which are possible carcinogens. Other additives in plastics may include chloride, oil, aluminium, cadmium and ethylene.

For those of us who constantly refill our drink bottles for months on end, PET (type 1) plastic bottles actually have a shelf life of 16 weeks.

Biodegradable plastic bags on the market are an alternative to sending millions of plastic bags to landfill. However when the organic component in the biodegradable bag is broken down by bacteria in landfills, methane is produced. Methane is a highly flammable as well as being an effective green house gas.

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Plastic bags have been banned in Ireland, Bangladesh and South Africa.

Contradictory to our green eco image New Zealand is one of the highest rubbish producers next to the USA. 80% of what we produce is thrown away.

In Waikato we dispose of approximately 600kg of rubbish per person each year.

There are 1000 closed and 90 legal operational landfills in New Zealand, which require ongoing monitoring, and often extensive remediation decades after closure. Landfills have a wide range of negative environmental effects during, and well after their operating life. The effects come in the form of liquid emissions such as leachate, which comprises heavy metals, volatile fatty acids and a cocktail of toxic chemicals. Gaseous emissions in the form of explosive gases such as methane, and carbon dioxide (greenhouse gases) build up under the ground during decomposition of waste material. Both of these substances ultimately escape from landfills and into the environment even though the landfill may be lined with thick plastic.

The state of existing landfills and our apathetic attitude to waste in New Zealand is grim.

Approximately 282,000 tonnes of hazardous waste is sent to landfill each year. We have over 7,200 contaminated sites in New Zealand 1,580 of which have been classified as high risk to the environment and human health.

Horotiu Landfill is almost full and will be closing this December. It is imminent that waste disposal costs will rise in the near future.

key to eliminating the waste problem, it merely prolongs the life of the object and requires energy and input to maintain it. Prevention and design incorporating ‘cradle to the grave’ at the start of the product’s life cycle are more effective methods.

If you are serious about preserving the environment and saving money, look at what you are buying. You have power as a consumer. Write a letter to a manufacturer if you are concerned about their packaging, and ask if they can use recyclable plastic. Take cloth bags shopping instead of getting plastic bags. Compost and worm farm all of your food scraps, (cardboard, coffee grinds, tea bags and vacuum cleaner dust will be consumed by worms in a worm bin). Even people living in small city flats can operate these easily. Refuse a plastic bag when you shop. If we all start to act it will make a change, one that is urgently required.

A survey was randomly sent out to students on campus recently to gain an understanding of their perceptions and actions in regards to waste minimisation and recycling. Thank you to those who participated.

Rachael Goddard completed a Masters in Science at Waikato University in 2005, she now manages an environmental trust, and is an environmental consultant and author of children’s books.

For more information on plastics visit www. zerowaste.co.nz. For local information on waste and landfills visit www.ew.govt.nz, www. mfe.govt.nz or www.hcc.govt.nz

The Ministry for the Environment via the NZ Waste Strategy is establishing methods to minimise the countries waste and improve its management. It aims to reduce inimical impacts to the environment from waste generation and disposal, as well as lower the social costs and risks of waste. Most council’s now have a waste management plan.

Some initiatives established to curb plastic production and disposal such as The Plastic Packaging Accord, a voluntary initiative between the government and plastic manufacturers, has not been effective at reducing non recyclable plastics. It is worth noting the recycling is not the

PHOTOS BY CK REYNOLDS

By Rachel Goddard

IN PROFILE

ILLUSTRATION BY MATT

David Bennett Meet David Bennett. He’s young, he’s successful, and now he’s MP of Hamilton East. Brie Jesson caught up with him after his first year in parliament to find out more about the person behind the face.

All the young dudes At 35, Bennett was the youngest National MP to be elected in to parliament in the last election. But while he may be young in political terms, he certainly has considerable corporate and professional experience behind him. After graduating from Victoria University of Wellington with a Bachelor of Commerce and Administration, he went on to work for KPMG, an international accountancy firm in Auckland, and later he ventured into dairy farming. With such a broad array of experience behind him, you would think that picking a career high would be difficult. However, for David it is easy - his election to parliament.

Bennett is a strong advocate of the ‘kiwi dream’; the mindset which he believes makes New Zealanders who they are. It’s a mentality which is beginning to be recognised both here and overseas as distinctively kiwi, typically summed up with the phrase “she’ll be right”. But Bennett believes it’s more than that. “Basically, if you work hard and have got the right attitude you can do anything, and students learn that lesson while they are at university.”

Up to the task?

In his role as MP of Hamilton East, Bennett is faced with the difficult task of representing the local community. With an incredibly diverse population from students, to lecturers, to young families, to retired people, to recent immigrants; representing the people of Hamilton East must seem, at times, a daunting task. Bennett however, believes that it is one he is up to.

Naturally politics isn’t all fun and games, and after a year of experience there are bound to be some bad parts, and some parts that one would change.

When I asked David Bennet what he would change if he had the chance, I did not expect the reply I got. If he could, Bennett would get rid of “the delineation between Labour and National…it would be nice to think you could have a parliament based on the best people…but that’s not going to be a reality because you have to have two opposing sides for the public to have a choice.”

Into the Groove What about the man himself? Well, all politics aside now, David Bennett is just like any other New Zealander. In his spare time David enjoys reading biographies, and pursuing his interest in history. He also plays soccer for the Wai Dragons, a Chinese soccer team; and, in typical bachelor style, his favourite food is stir fry. His favourite singer is Madonna, and his political hero is Vladimir Putin. An odd choice for a political hero, yes, but Bennett’s reasoning is that he restored pride in his country.

In short Bennett sums up his first year in parliament as being a “roller coaster – there have been amazing highs and lows” but he also feels that it has been a humbling experience. His final words of advice to students are “go for it if anything thing comes your way” and that there is “no such thing as a bad experience”.

So there you have it, a brief insight into the person behind the politician.

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It’s an attitude which, while still present in NZ society today, is one that Bennett feels is in need of renewal. New Zealand has been perceived many times as having “tall poppy syndrome”, and Bennett feels it is time to for New Zealanders to take a chance and back themselves.

answer is “to the serve the people of Hamilton East; that is the best thing”.

While it may seem an easy job, it’s actually a lot of hard work and “you’ve got to be prepared to get out there and meet a lot of people”.

He may indeed be a politician, but he seems to have grasped the concept of his job. When asked what the best thing is about being in parliament; his

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If you know of any gigs or events, send in the details to nexus@waikato.ac.nz. For any possible changes to this list, listen to Contact 88.1 FM or check on the Nexus Forum at http://www.nexusmag.co.nz/forum

Tuesday September 5th

Saturday September 9th

The Arts

Hamilton Film Society meets at 8pm every Tuesday at Victoria Cinema. Intending members can sign up on screening nights or call Andrea Haines on 839-5932. Student subscriptions are $85 full year or $45 half year. 3-screening Flexi tickets are also available for $25.

Hamilton pop-punk band Trigger Theory will be joined by Callista, Quins Rescue, Jockstrap and Arms Reach at H-Town Primal, Somerset St, Hamilton. This show will cost $5 and should be worth catching.

Platform 01 (Sept 5 - Sept 23) Sarah Anderson uses her background as a sculptor to create paintings that play with space and to manipulate objects within a given environment.

Pictures of You

The Sea! The Land! The People! Coromandel

Open Auditions Open auditions are being held for the digital feature film ‘Pictures of You.’ ‘Pictures of you’ is a locally produced digital feature scheduled for production early in 2007. The primary cast are all in their last year of high school but actors of various ages are required to fill other roles. The auditions are on Saturday & Sunday 9th & 10th September from 10am at the Hamilton Boys High School Hall.

At the Thornton Gallery – 298 Barton Street, Hamilton. September 9th-22nd, opening night 9th September 5-8pm

Wednesday September 6th Every Wed at midday 12 @ 12 (School of Education, downstairs foyer) offers 12 minutes of informal performance once a week to a passing audience. It has gained a loyal following from staff and students who bring their lunch and enjoy a mixed bag of items from singing, to jazz guitar, drama to improvised dance.

Missing Link play at the Handlebar’s ‘Phat Wednesday’, after a pub quiz to warm everybody up.

Jazz band Zebra play at The Cook, Cook Street, Hamilton East every Wednesday night from 8pm.

‘The White Lady’ is a new opera by David Griffiths, playing at the Academy. Based on the iconic pie cart in downtown Auckland, it tells the story of Joshua, a University student who is

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

caught in a web of circumstances that lead to violent consequences. It plays Wed – Friday, with a matinee on Friday. Student tickets are only $12.50. For more info, see the Academy or www. ticketdirect.co.nz.

Thursday 7th The White Lady (see Sept 6th)

Friday September 8th Apparently tickets are on sale at high schools but I’m sure there will be door sales. You can catch this show at the Papamoa Sports Club, Tauranga.

The White Lady (see Sept 6th)

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Sunday September 10th ‘All About The Waikato’ is a 90 minute history of the area told through a collection of newsreel items as part of The Film Archives touring film show’s return to Hamilton. The film features events that shaped the character of Hamilton, including the 1948 cyclone damage to Frankton, the Waikato Winter Show, and the 1956 Springbok vs Waikato game. You can see this at the Victoria Cinema 10.30am, 1.00pm & 5.45pm

That’s History Now – Photographic Exhibition Happening at the Calder & Lawson Gallery, Academy of Performing Arts, Waikato University from Wednesday 6th September until 29th September.

What’s Goin’ On

The Programme In 2006 the week long festival will take place at The Meteor from September 14th-19th and will include…

Thursday September 14th 5.30pm Tempo Launch – NZ Music, Catch of the Day or Bigger Fish to Fry? Industry gurus Mike Chunn, Cath Anderson and Gary Fortune (New Zealand Music Industry Commission) measure the industry’s success and what to expect from the future.

Friday September 15th

In Association with James & Wells - Intellectual Property, Presented to you by the Hamilton Community Arts Council

Sept 14th - 19th @ The Meteor Music in Hamilton is booming and there are multiple artists based in the area doing extremely well both nationally and internationally. With this promise of success comes a need for other aspiring musicians to learn effective ways to distribute, pay, sell and teach themselves. Tempo’s aim is to give musicians the tools and knowledge to do this.

During Tempo speakers from key music industries provide seminars and workshops for both the aspiring and experienced musician.

Saturday September 16th 2pm Sign or Not to Sign – labels relevant to you We line up New Zealand’s freshest and most exciting record labels, Dawn Raid, Loop, Powertool and Independent Music New Zealand in a panel discussion to answer your questions about the opportunity of joining a record label and getting your music to a wider audience.

10pm - Area 07 launch $5 Entry or $15 with CD featuring: Gadget Goose, Venemous Mic Technicians, The Deadly Deaths, The Shrugs and Dynamo Go.

Sunday September 17th 12pm The Dirty on Getting Around – Touring & Gigging in NZ We Bring you the biggest names from the touring circuit, ‘A Low Hum’s’ Blink, Goff Van’t Hoff, Brian McMillian of Cornerstone Roots & the Soundsplash festival and Elemeno P’s Scott Pearson in a panel discussion that addresses how to tour successfully.

2pm Working The Room – Selling yourself without selling your soul Presents marketing gurus Mark Kneebone, Lorraine Barry and Suzette Major teaching local musicians how to sell themselves to an audience and successfully market themselves to the NZ Music Industry.

Monday September 18th 6pm Things You Didn’t Want to Know but Have To – Get paid and in control A seminar series that brings together speakers from NZ on Air and Dominion Law, with industry experts to teach artists the financial ‘ins and outs’ of the music industry, from getting paid to copyright.

Tuesday September 19th 6pm Future Fresh – Trends and Technology Addresses essential ways of getting your music into the world. Future Fresh blends speakers from Apple, txttunes, and Amplifier to demonstrate the best and freshest ways of taking advantage of today’s technology.

Ticketing Information: Season Tickets available from Defy soon for $15 and comes with copy of Area 07. Door

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On top of that this year we are launching Hamilton’s latest compilation CD Area 07 with Airwigg Records, featuring Hamilton’s finest on one disc. Artists featured on this year’s compilation include: 4 Corners, 4 Second Fuse, Aether, Amy Racecar, Badd Antix, The Beautiful Burn, Chanelle Davis, The Deadly Deaths, DEAN, Dynamo Go,EvL J feat. Mc MAS and Revilo, Fideleo, Final Chance, Gadget Goose, The Gills, The Hollow Grinders, Luna Spark, Radiator, Rumpus Room, The Shrugs, St. Lucy, This Night Creeps, Venomous Mic Technicians.

3.30pm & 7.30pm Year ‘06 – The stars of the future Offers the opportunity to featured bands from the Rockquest regional finals to workshop with one of Hamilton’s most successful acts 48 May. The end product will then be performed to you that evening for a mere $5 entry.

charge per event unless otherwise stated is $3. Check www.hcac.org.nz for more details.

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WSU Prez Sehai Orgad

Vice Prez Two systems of student representation – is it time to merge them? Part 1

Kia ora Tangata, and welcome back to the last part of the year!

There are a couple of things that I want to mention this week:

The WSU is structured so it allows for democratic participation by all members, in the election of Executive office holders, and in setting policy at general meetings.

1) Congratulations to all those who attended Huinga Tauira in Wellington over the break. I

And in case you didn’t know, ALL students become members of WSU, and pay the WSU levy,

have seen the photos, watched the footage, and have judged your actions in “court”. And all I can really say is ……MEAN MAORI MEAN! Congratulations for carving up in the Kapa Haka, Great Race and the Karaoke. You represented Waikato very well indeed.

when they enrol. So YOU can attend and vote at all WSU general meetings and OSMs, and you can vote for candidates in WSU Executive elections.

Make sure you exercise your democratic right to vote for the 2007 Executive …

2) WSU elections are in full swing for the next couple of weeks. Voting starts on September 18 – 20. We have organised a plan to see voting numbers go up this year, so look out for ballot boxes decorated with balloons and signs, big BBQ’s, competitions and notices galore about where to vote, how to vote and to just SIMPLY VOTE!!

In practice, the Executive pretty much runs the ship. It has the ability to push WSU in just about any direction it likes. It can spend money - up to $10,000 per item - without general meeting approval. In addition, interest groups on campus can stack general meetings to get their desires for policy or money pushed through, and can gain control of the Executive through elections and by-elections. In addition, because of overwork, it is easy for an Executive to become isolated from the bulk of students, and not involve them fully in the issues of the day.

That’s true of any democratic structure, you might say.

Carl Gordon

Overall, the WSU Executive works hard, and does a very good job for students - there is a good team in the Student Union Building. And, overall, general meetings do their policy thing well enough.

But mistakes do occur, and they can have big consequences.

And the issues aren’t small. They need quality input too: (1) your views on tuition fee levels for domestic and international students, (2) members’ views on policy for WSU and NZUSA, especially on living allowances for all students, (3) members’ scrutiny of expenditure and constitutional integrity, and administrative performance, (4) how student levies for Campus Services Ltd and the Student Campus Building Fund Trust should be spent (this involves millions of dollars), (5) ensuring asset protection and varied income streams for the longer term benefit of members, and (6) keeping the Uni admin honest, plus ensuring students’ interests are properly looked after.

There needs to be wide input on a regular basis. It may be time to review, and change, the structure, so this can happen. There could be a Student Representative Council, which combines the WSU election process and the class rep system. Details next week.

Sports and Recreation Officers ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Kia ora koutou, I know you fullas worked hard over the last two weeks – yeah right! Anyway – I hope the break was good to you. At the time of writing our winter sports team is still competing in Queenstown - the Uni Winter Games started Monday 21st. Results next week – or you can see them for yourselves at www. universitysport.org.nz.

On Saturday 16th September there will be a Youth and Community Fun Festival on Fairfield Park

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absolutely free!! The sports start at 8.30am, music at 2pm until 5pm. There is Touch and Soccer in the morning and families etc are welcome to the music festival. Participate or support! For more info call Maraea at Social Services Waikato – 839 1583 or to register contact Shannon on 021 022 65018.

The Corporate Relay takes place on Sunday 17th September to “support young people living with cancer”. You have until this Friday (1st September) to enter your team of 5 – cost $100. Or you could support by helping out. Contact: Sandra Fransen,

Paora Mato (Joint Officer)

canteen – Waikato, ph 839 1130, eMail : waikato@ canteen.org.nz The Interschool Hakinakina will take place on 20th September. See http://www.waikato.ac.nz/tautoko/ calendar.shtml#sep on the Te Puna Tautoko website for the September events.

The Great Race also took place 2 September – more about that next week as well or go to www. universitysport.org.nz. Ok, it’s time for a feed - make sure this term is an awesome one for you.

GLBT Officer Megan Moffet Three Wishes…

One day in the great forest, a magical frog was hopping down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance, today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner, and they passed by the frog.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, “Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first.”

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said “I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. “Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.”

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, “I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.”

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said “I wish that the bear was gay...”

At least your romantic situation can’t be as hopeless as that!

Another area they mentioned was domestic violence that often goes unreported. Many queer people suffering from violence in their relationship are afraid of discrimination from police or support services, thus staying in a destructive situation. If you need a safe person to talk to in the police, then you can make an appointment with a Diversity Liaison Officer (DLO) by calling your nearest station. These officers are trained to support queer people within and outside the police force.

Renee Rewi

The proposition of WSU elections is almost upon us again as different personalities jockey for your vote soon. The problem of it all is that elections will happen during the time that you and I will be preparing for end of year exams. Please take the opportunity of not only having your say by voting but also attending the election speeches to listen and question all the candidates.

Why do you need WSU? Simply because it is dedicated people like some of these candidates who without thinking wholly of themselves continually bug institutions to give students a break. It’s people like these who represent you at key meetings when you cannot attend due to classes, that ask them how that is being fair to the student stakeholders they said they would protect.

The business model is always being put into our faces where the negatives of lower student enrolments and staff wages are the reasons for the increases to fees - ‘don’t quote me but I think they are going up again’. We live supposedly in a society that is fair – going by the inflation rate being suffered already by students, how are the institutions all over New Zealand going to justify their increases this time (perhaps the same old crap – ooops *slips*) According to some out there, to be a more proficient MSO, you have to be matatau with te reo. This seems to be consistent with Piripi Hami and his comment about not being a leader in Māori unless you can speak te reo also.

Well isn’t this the cat’s whiskers – we are even going to go there with this – it is not enough to be proud of being a Māori and doing everything for Māori but I am sullied by these comments as well, how rude – how about bringing your comments to me face to face.

“SHAKE A STRANGERS HAND AND SAY, ‘HOW YOU DOIN’” PEACE OUT – START SPREADIN THE NEWS.

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Hope you enjoyed your holidays, and don’t have a big assignment due today like I do. During these past two weeks, I met with representatives from the Ministry of Social Development. Their job is to analyse policy with a queer focus, so that queer people are not disadvantaged by any changes made.

I was impressed with their future plans for helping people that fall into more than one minority group, for instance gay or lesbian refugees or a transgendered person with a disability.

Maori Students’ Officer

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2007 EXECUTIVE CANDIDATES Well, here they are – the candidates for next year’s Waikato Students’ Union Executive. Read em and make your choices. Campaigning takes place from 4-15 September, and there’ll be an OSM on the 13th (Wed) where you can question everybody and make sure you’re being represented by the right people.

Voting happens from Monday 18th – Wednesday 20th.

WSU President Carl Bishop Why is B.O.C the best candidate for this position?

Could it be the 4 years we have already spent at this university? Or because we are really in touch with the students? We personally believe the reason why we would be best for this position is because we are real students: 1. We know what a 5pm hangover feels like.

2. We really know the meaning of ALLNIGHT assignments 3. We know how long it really is to walk from town back to uni.

OUR AIM IS SIMPLE: MAKE IT SO YOU WANT TO COME TO UNI! You can contact us at http://www.myspace. com/boc4waikato. Come be our friend.

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Kahu Nikora Hi my name is Kahu, If you are looking for a charismatic leader who is not afraid of stepping on toes to ensure students get a fair deal, welcome to my world. Ever since I came to tertiary learning I have been involved in representing student rights in one way or another just because I care. Knowing the hurt you face every time things go wrong means I have the

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ability to quickly assess your needs, and then

provision, advocacy

come up with amicable solutions to suit you. If you want WSU to deliver then I am your man: Vote for the guy who cares – vote Kahu Nikora for President of WSU.

and representation roles, with input into the University’s long-term planning. I’ve drafted a Strategic Plan and Education policy for WSU. I’ve spent 18 months working on new strategic goals for NZUSA, with a detailed submission recently. I’ve sought greater financial prudence, constitutional accountability, and more student involvement in WSU. I have integrity and commonsense.

Sehai Orgad I am running for President again this year because the revolution of ideas, change and participation has just started. We are over the apathy of the past and are now moving towards the era of student empowerment.

There is still much to be done, new processes that need to be established, relationships to be cultivated, and developing a truly inspiring student culture on campus.

Over the past year I have listened to students’ voices, represented you on the University Council and Academic Board and been your advocate when problems have arisen.

I have the experience and hope to continue to serve you for another year.

Vice President Carl Gordon I’ve been Vice-President in 2005 and 2006, and plan to continue to play a useful role in WSU. I have the maturity, people and organisational skills, and the institutional knowledge and experience, to manage the role well. I’ve worked to improve WSU’s professionalism, service

M Dalton Why is B.O.C the best candidate for this position? Could it be the 4 years we have already spent at this university?

Or because we are really in touch with the students? We personally believe the reason why we would be best for this position is because we are real students: 1. We know what a 5pm hangover feels like.

2. We really know the meaning of ALL NIGHT assignments 3. We know how long it really is to walk from town back to uni.

OUR AIM IS SIMPLE: MAKE IT SO YOU WANT TO COME TO UNI! You can contact us at http://www.myspace. com/boc4waikato. Come be our friend.

Kahu Nikora Hi my name is Kahu, The role of Vice President is to support the good

WSU Exec Candidates function of not only the WSUVP

Ok, so Vice-President may not be the sexiest role in the union but someone has to do it and I’m

role but also the WSU President and WSU as a whole.

To be able to do this a VP must be able to assume responsibility for the function of President at a moment’s notice should the need arise. A clear knowledge of WSU policies along with those needed to develop security for the members of WSU and their interests. My many years in student politics has prepared me: Vote with the information that I possess the strengths and aptitude to fulfil the office of VP – Vote Kahu Nikora VP.

putting up my hand.

You want someone who isn’t afraid to stand up and say exactly what everyone is thinking but are too scared to say. You want someone who is confident enough to sit down with the B-Blockers (university administration) and not accept everything they say as the law.

You want me!

I have the passion and skills to be your VicePresident, and most of all I want to.

Vote Moira for Vice-President!

Megan Moffet I have had a busy 2 years as the GLBT Officer on the WSU executive, and I am looking forward to new challenges in the Vice President position. I’ve organised many events for Queer students like Pride Week and a mentoring scheme and would like to extend my talents to the entire student population. As VP I want to assist all executives in their portfolios, so that our students get much more than a free sausage for their $84. My experiences on the WSU and political science studies have given me knowledge of student politics, which is invaluable when fighting for student rights at home or nationally.

WANTED!

Campaigns Officer Liam Kerr

Jeff Hawkes

Why is B.O.C the

Greetings

best candidate for this position? Could it be the 4 years we have already spent at this university? Or because we are really in touch with the students? We personally believe the reason why we would be best for this position is because we are real students: 1. We know what a 5pm hangover feels like.

2. We really know the meaning of ALLNIGHT assignments 3. We know how long it really is to walk from town back to uni.

OUR AIM IS SIMPLE: MAKE IT SO YOU WANT TO COME TO UNI! You can contact us at http://www.myspace. com/boc4waikato. Come be our friend.

Voting for me, you will be voting for someone who has had experience in dealing with student organisations. I have represented at a national level.

I bring an element of experience and am always ready to help others (committee members and students alike) in the pursuit of their goals.

I want more space for students to have events catered for. SUB ground floor is ok, but in this case, more space would be great.

I’d like to see WSU do a bit of a final day’s bash, on Friday 13 October, the last day of teaching, get back to me with your thoughts. . .

Jeff the Ref 1footloose1@gmail.com

Olivia Beattie WANTED! You want someone who will inject life onto our campus, organise fun events, and run cool competitions with even cooler prizes. Someone who can communicate student issues to you in a way that you understand their impact on your life. Someone who wants to give Waikato Uni the student life it deserves.

Straight out of our PR department, I have the skills, enthusiasm, and determination to be this someone.

Vote Olivia for Campaigns Officer!

Education Officer Ben Delaney and Whetu Taukamo Kiaora, Maloelelei, Talofa, Nihao, Konichiwa, Bonjour, Hola, Ciao, Aloha and Hello, Education is a word beginning with ‘E’ like excellence, elegance, efficient and environment. You may be thinking to yourself “this sounds familiar”…that’s because we are currently Enviropene and Envirowhets. After successfully serving students interests in the Environment portfolio for 2006 we now seek to run co-jointly as your Education officers for 2007.

We will re-brand if successful in obtaining this position, changing our names to ‘Edupene’ and ‘Eduwhets.’

As evidence of our past achievements read

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Moira Neho

Disabled Students’ Issues Officer

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WSU Exec Candidates past nexus issues 15-18. Vote for us please please please.

of my role i want to increase awareness of gay, lesbian and bi-sexual students equality, and make it acceptable for students to be accepted by their fellow students. As with myself in the past, there are many students at present dealing with the issue of their sexuality, with the right support and understanding i believe that these students can reach their full potential.

Finance Officer J Greenless Why is B.O.C the best candidate for this position? Could it be the 4 years we have already spent at this university? Or because we are really in touch with the students? We personally believe the reason why we would be best for this position is because we are real students: 1. We know what a 5pm hangover feels like.

2. We really know the meaning of ALLNIGHT assignments 3. We know how long it really is to walk from town back to uni.

OUR AIM IS SIMPLE: MAKE IT SO YOU WANT TO COME TO UNI! You can contact us at http://www.myspace. com/boc4waikato Come be our friend

Environmental Officer

Maori Students’ Officer Claire Taylor and Katy Dimmendaal Claire Taylor: Taurus: 24. Likes cosy nights on the synthetic (fake) rug by the fire.

Katy Dimmendaal; Pisces: 23. Likes long walks on a non-polluted beach.

We are both second year Resource and Environmental Planning students. We believe that it is in the students’ and alumni’s best interest to preserve and maintain the university’s diverse environments. If we were elected we will instil this interest and educate people of the complexities of the environment in which we collectively are members of.

We like the environment more than you so give us the Environmental Officers role!!

Rowena Smith Why is B.O.C the best candidate for this position? Could it be the 4 years we have already spent at this university? Or because we are really in touch with the students? We personally believe the reason why we would be best for this position is because we are real students: 1. We know what a 5pm hangover feels like.

2. We really know the meaning of ALLNIGHT

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Josh Strong Hi I’m Josh.

I chose this position because I am positive in relation to change and ideas.

I am responsible and it would be a privilege to gain this position.

I have been a student rep for two semesters and chairman of the philosophy reps.

Not trying to sound conceited but it is my first year and already I’m well known, I will work hard for my votes.

A bit about myself I have brown long messy hair, it will be brushed if given a formal position.

I am musically minded, I play guitar a lot.

My influences are Jello Biafra and Henry Rollins.

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assignments 3. We know how long it really is to walk from town back to uni.

OUR AIM IS SIMPLE: MAKE IT SO YOU WANT TO COME TO UNI! You can contact us at http://www.myspace. com/boc4waikato. Come be our friend.

Renee Rewi Ko Renee Rewi taku ingoa, (my name is Renee): Here are my attributes of note: • Strong voice for Mäori students; • Proven event manager for events run by the MSO; • Clear recognition of process that may affect all students on campus; • A strong voice at NZUSA that now recognises Mäori caucus conference, and; • An advocate for student concerns and hardship matters.

Ultimately my job is to support all Maori students of Waikato University. WSUMSO is a job I take very seriously which is accounted for in my performance reports as MSO 2006.

VOTE FOR RENEE, THE MSO WITH A TRACK RECORD SECOND TO NONE!!!!

GLBT Officer Timothy Swart My personal experiences have equiped me to efficiently perform my role as the gay, lesbian and bi-sexual students officer. In the capacity

Tatiana Hohepa and Elaine Kameta Two Hearts, Two Minds, Two Noble Faces and Two for the price of One. Tena Koutou Katoa. 2007 is going to be a fantastic year for nga tauira o tenei Whare

WSU Exec Candidates Wananga. He aha ai? Because when you vote for Tatiana Hohepa and Elaine Kameta as your Maori Students Officers you are voting for Trust, Honesty, Integrity and the Aotearoa/NZ way (being democratic and all). And what way is that? The fun way, the easy way and the right way! Vote for us and together we will exceed your highest expectations. Make it happen for us, and we will make it happen for you.

Na Tatiana Hohepa & Elaine Kameta.

Mature Students’ Officer

Alan King and Kerry Mackay Mature students comprise some 40% of the student body at this university. Older students have issues, just as other students do. WSU has a portfolio dedicated to mature students; we are running cojointly as Mature Students’ officers for 2007 in order to represent this large sector of the student population.

However, all members of the WSU executive represent all WSU members. We both have a proven history in serving the student population (for example, we are both currently on the Academic Board, in the interests of the students of our respective schools).

We believe in responsibility, representation and an open door. Please vote for Kerry and Alan for 2007.

Sports and Recreation Officer

Vince A Malcolm-Buchanan Tena Koutou Katoa, As current WSU Mature Students Officer I’ve actively facilitated multiple achievements including (to name but a few); 1. 2 additional Adult Learners Awards of $1000 each (that’s a ‘first’ in the history of WSU), 2. Resources and a Capital Grants Application for ALMS Commons Room entirely financed through this portfolio, 3. TE HUINGA TAUIRA – the largest ever contingency sent.

4. MMP funding assistance.

5. Student advocacy cases.

6. Motions requiring that NZUSA undertake

We have all heard “Winning isn’t everything”… what a load of crap. I want to win your vote and be your next Sports and Recreation Officer. It is this attitude I will take to ensure that as future Sports and Recreation Officer. I will provide to the best of my ability for all Students at Waikato in regards to their sporting and recreational needs. I am a bit of a “Sports Billy” which means I’ll give any sport a go but I specialise as a ”Water - Boy”. So Vote: Glen Delamere

Jason Lum Why is B.O.C the best candidate for this position? Could it be the 4 years we have already spent at this university?

Or because we are really in touch with the students? We personally believe the reason why we would be best for this position is because we

Women’s Rights Officer Ana Moriaty Why is B.O.C the best candidate for this position? Could it be the 4 years we have already spent at this university?

Or because we are really in touch with the students? We personally believe the reason why we would be best for this position is because we are real students: 1. We know what a 5pm hangover feels like.

2. We really know the meaning of ALLNIGHT assignments 3. We know how long it really is to walk from town back to uni.

OUR AIM IS SIMPLE: MAKE IT SO YOU WANT TO COME TO UNI! You can contact us at http://www.myspace. com/boc4waikato Come be our friend

And those are all the candidates for 2007’s WSU Executive.

Remember, if you pay a student union fee, then you are a member.

Considering this fee is compulsory, well, there are a lot of members out there. Consider the future of your on-site facilities that might not be provided by the University, and many other useful services that you may not have thought you had access to, and just remember the people who organise and run the whole business. This is who you are voting for.

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

research regarding issues of ethnic disparity and PBRF methodologies.

2007 I undertake Masters Studies – and seek your support to continue the multifarious and tremendous WSU efforts begun in 2006.

Hei Kone

Glen Delamare

are real students: 1. We know what a 5pm hangover feels like.

2. We really know the meaning of ALLNIGHT assignments 3. We know how long it really is to walk from town back to uni.

OUR AIM IS SIMPLE: MAKE IT SO YOU WANT TO COME TO UNI! You can contact us at http://www.myspace. com/boc4waikato. Come be our friend.

So vote wisely!

31

Disabled Students’ Officer

Jeff Hawkes

Party Review I hope the teaching recess allowed all to get on top of their studies. I am managing to maintain. Ok, how about a party review for my blurb? There is a lovely story, about two little pigs even!

Scott turned 21 last week, so a birthday bash was in order, in the backyard of the flat. Location: a great spot down the back of an old house in Cook Street.

The weather was looking like wetting up some, so up went the protection, some classy banners that may or may not have been liberated from somewhere around the town.

The band was a rocking 3 piece -- the crowd was absolutely loving it.

Noise control rocked up at 10:30ish, and gave us until 11 to wind things up.

That was pretty OK of them.

The food was great, supplied by the flat and the neighbours. Here’s where the story of two little pigs comes in. In the name of companionship and trying to recycle, this flat initially had the novel idea of getting Ginger and Ewok in.

The two kunikuni piggies were great fun, they would dance on the bar in the name of entertainment, while the crew was getting on it, and do a better job than most vacuum cleaners. Why heck, they even ate dust! But sadly a snarky neighbour, disappointed that there was no legislation supporting the anti-pig mandate, had a word to the landlord. That got the lads in some grief, so a premature feast of the little porkers was in order. Speeches even included an entertaining near golden shower anecdote!

So host responsibility was at a premium, beer was flowing, food was going and sounds were a-humming. Big ups to Scott, Portis, and Howie for putting it all on, with the help of quite a cheerful crew of friends and family.

There’s the man who downed his yardie in the back yard in a few quick minutes, although, I’m sure they didn’t seem that quick to him, flanked by some chums and enjoying the sounds.

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

To finish off - it was brought to my attention that there has been some rather unsavoury content in Nexus, the kind of stuff that leads to the marginalisation of those who are often perceived as being on the fringe as it is. Any particular suggestions regarding direction are welcomed.

32

The Te Awamutu 3 piece

The fire added some ambience that only students and supermarket haters could appreciate.

The Happy Little Bunny Once there was a little bunny who had a little furry tail and a little shiny nose.

But the electrodeath cloud of commerce strangled it and its foxhole was converted to a parking lot, a parking lot, a parking lot.

Ample parking asphalted over bunny bones.

Everyone everyone everyone get in.

by Thom Yorke

Send your notices of 100 words or less to nexus@waikato.ac.nz, or drop into box at WSU reception. Deadline is 5pm Tues.

Flatmate wanted

Flatmate wanted. To live with 2 guys and 1 girl, all

Public Lecture

$81 per week + expenses

students. $140/wk all expenses (incl food) off street

Sheikh Yusuf Estes (from the USA)

3x male and 2x female easy going flatties (both students

parking, 15 min walk to uni, sunny fox st location. New,

‘Why Does God Allow Pain and Suffering?’

and working). open and very sunny house, close 2 uni

warm house. Established flat, just need to furnish your

Saturday 9th September 2006

and shops as well as large area for parking. Good sized

own room. Call Ryan on 027 417 6438

Lecture room L2, 7.30pm (shape)

FLATMATE WANTED, to live with two girls in a nice,

Campus Movies

sunny house in hillcrest. close to BK and 10 minutes

Check http://campus-movies.waikato.ac.nz/ for details

room, house is furnished, all you need is your own bedroom stuff. Please text or call Jamie 027 320 7981 Flatmate wanted-Ngaere Ave, Chartwell. Rent $93p/w

walk to uni. rent is $80 per week. text 0276966351

includes power and phone. Nice quiet house, walking distance to chartwell and bus route. To share with 2

*****HILLCREST RD!***** Flatmate is moving out

guys (1 student, 1 working) and a girl (student), and 2

so we have a room available at our conveniently located

cats. Contact Veryn 0275346336 or 8533312 Looking

house on the hill. Broadband, off street parking, garage,

for someone clean, friendly and reliable.

stunning vistas, el fresco dining etc . Rent is negotiable.

Call Paul 8561124 027 345 1322. pn16@waikato.ac.nz

Double $95p/w; Single $80p/w, 5MIN WALK TO UNI in 3bdrm house opposite shops, liquor store, bakery,

Note – a couple of flatmate ads may be out of date due

takeaways + bustop, fenced o/s parking, broadband

to the recess.

internet. Large fenced section + lots of o/s parking. One Amnesty International Uni group meeting

kitchen. Friendly people! Can be furnished, bed, desk,

Guru Lounge 1pm Wednesday 6th September

chair, lamp etc. Steve 0211571717, 07 8560979

Come along learn about human rights and how they relate to you and your studies. Help us take some action

Wanted: 2 Flatmates, male or female, to move in

and have some fun and great conversation.

Hosted by Golden Key International Honour Society

around the 9th of September with 1 guy and 1 girl. 2 single rooms available. $115 a week incl. power, water,

Need help with the German language?

food. Located on 12 Rawling St. Melville. Contact

I am a native German speaker and in

Kirsten on 0273216300 or 07 8294404.

return for a little bit of cash I help you out with assignments, homework, ect.

Easy going flatmate wanted - share with two 3rd year students, nice house with medium sized room. 15 mins walk to uni. $95 p/w (not incl exp). Ph 021 2997638 or 021 1252144

Contact Vera 0273547713 or 0210638040

When do you use double consonants before -ing or -ed?

If you don’t know, we do, and we can help rid your assignments of all those grammar and spelling mistakes you’ve made.

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Chinese student + kiwi couple in outside unit sharing

Careers Fair Take advantage of this event and meet potential employers from AC Nielsen, AgResearch, AIESEC, The Alumni Association, Deloitte, Dexcel, Ernst&Young, Pohlen Kean, Scholarships Office, Sitel, Waikato Times and many organizations on campus! Find out about internships, graduate programmes, graduate placements and other useful informations from these organizations for your future careers.

To be held in S Block on Thursday 7th September; 6pm to 8pm. All students welcome.

Visit us at www.editwrite.co.nz When you write wrong, we right the wrongs.

33

Columns

Welcome back little kiddies, I hope your break went way better than ours.

I also hope that this week lots of bad things happen to you in order to balance the force and so on.

First off the block: GLOATING To start off with, we was recently nominated for the upcoming ASPA national student journalism awards, in the Best Humour or Best Columnist category (can’t remember which now) and we’re just bragging and gloating to everyone we can, because we can. Also because if you actually read the shit that we right, you’d be surprised too. So apparently we get to go to an awards party in Auckland in October with lots of free alcohol and wimmin, and you don’t.

Mainly however, it makes us higher-accomplishing journalists than anybody we know who studies journalism - and they spend all their time learning how to write. Meanwhile Vitamin C fiddles with LAZORS and ROBOTS and Special K plays with other people’s money. Even more proof that: 1) We ARE Awesome.

2) B.A are only useful as initials in your name, e.g. B A Baracas from the A-Team. Unless it actually stands for Bachelor of Arts Baracas, in which case they are still useless.

3) Most women don’t know how to iron shirts or cook properly anyway.

We’d also like to extend a big ‘Huzzah’ to The Wez on his return to contributing to the Nexus. People have been bitching and moaning about how we always bitch and moan about stuff, and have demanded we write something nice, so here it is. Seeing as how it’s our job to cater to all you guttersluts (it’s true, check the WSU constitution).

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Anyway, in case you missed it, The Wez recently did a three part column on Goths in with his trademark brilliant comedy. However this time, it was in the form of earnest, acidic sarcasm and parody - reminiscent of the late, great, El Citro (most of you will know El Citro as a 40 year-old lemon that refused to rot. Very acidic)

34

Anyway, the beauty of it was, he pretended to BE a Goth and defend Gothism… Gothica… Gothurama(?)… while exposing its hilarious little quirks. Kinda like a reverse Socratic Irony, if you will. Even if you won’t, it was great. My favourite part was when he went on about how wrong the stereotypes are and that there are no stereotypes, and then later described some of the perceived common features (stereotypes?) that he had of Gothurama. (Such as: smart, often doctors, and good at poetry). Genius mate, genius. I bet most people missed the joke. Man, you guys wouldn’t know sarcasm if it was right in front of your noses…

You can always take a car on the road and crash into someone on purpose, but odds are that the people you crash into won’t be particularly impressed. So obviously this isn’t an ideal thing to do.

However, for those of us that like to get into a car and drive into other people on purpose, there is an opportunity to do such a thing without making enemies and also have a few thousand people watch you do it at the same time. You could even win some money if you’re good enough.

I’m talking demolition derby.

What sort of person doesn’t like spending a few days pulling a car to bits, and then getting to smash it into other people’s cars? Its perhaps one of the most awesome things you can do. And it’s cheap too; cheaper than paying repair costs anyway. The rules of a derby vary depending on the place that hosts it, but usually the basic idea is to drive into people until their cars stop working, but trying to keep your own one alive. Which is often harder than it sounds when you have cars coming at you from all over the show. Nevertheless, its surprisingly good fun be shunted and smashed around in a car.

All you need is an old car that still runs. Take the back and passenger seats out, all the trim and interior panels, carpets and windows, and anything else that doesn’t really need to be there. The only real work you have to do is put a bar from the floor to the roof to stop the roof caving in if you roll over. The bar goes hard up against the driver’s seat so you can’t move around much. Chain the doors up and bolt the bonnet down.

Find a 5-point harness and put that into the car and you’re away.

A lot of speedways have a derby or two each year, and they almost always draw a large crowd; people are more inclined to watch an event if they know someone in it. Plus it’s always good to see people crashing into one another. They can seem to take a long time when you’re watching, but it feels like it’s over before it started when you’re doing it.

The most vulnerable place of the car is the front of the car as it has the motor and steering, so a good tactic would be to favor it. It’s a common sight to see people barreling into someone square on, then a few minutes later they’re sitting parked up because they blew their radiator.

It’s a better idea to hit people with the front corners of the car, or back into people when you get the opportunity. In saying that however, it’s good to not have too much tactic – just get out there and enjoy crashing into people.

Columns

day ‘pagan’; however, this word is now obsolete, having fallen out of use in English in the earlymid 16th century, shortly before ‘pagan’ is thought to have entered the language.

As I said earlier ‘pagan’ is a word which has many connotations, which connotation you subscribe to generally depends on your own personal religion. Naturally a person who

‘Pagan’

considers themselves pagan is not going to

Despite what some people may believe, the

associate ideas of ‘evil’ or ‘blasphemy’ with

“We are all wanderers on this earth. Our hearts

word ‘pagan’ is not descended from a word

the word. However someone from another

are full of wonder, our souls are deep with

meaning evil, or anything close. ‘Pagan’

religion might, just as some non-Muslim people

dreams.”

ultimately comes from the Latin word pāgānus,

consider, very wrongly might I add, Muslim

Gypsy Proverb

which means “of or belonging to a country

people to be terrorists. There is no logic behind

community” or “civilian, non-soldier”. It was

that association, just as there is no real logic

‘Pagan’ is a word which has had, and continues

likely borrowed into English during the mid-late

behind assuming that people who worship a

to have, many negative things associated with

15th century but did not come into common

god and goddess, and the earth are any more

it. At its simplest, a ‘pagan’ is described by

use until much later, in the late 16th and 17th

evil than anyone else.

the Oxford English Dictionary as “a person not

centuries.

Given the word’s current meaning today of

subscribing to any major or recognised religion especially the dominant religion of a particular

Another version of the word is found in the

“a person not subscribing to any major or

society.” However it is most commonly used

form ‘payen’. This form shares its meaning with

recognised religion” and the Latin root word’s

to describe religions which are earth-based/

‘pagan’ but appears to have been borrowed

original meaning of “belonging to a country

nature worshipping or polytheistic (religions that

considerably earlier, in the late 13th century

community”, it is not difficult to see how the

worship more than one god). While that may be

from Old French, via Anglo-Norman. Ultimately, it

word ‘pagan’ has become an umbrella term for

the word’s definition, the word’s interpretation,

is from the same Latin root word as the modern

many earth-based religions.

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

and the connotations attached to it vary greatly.

35

Columns

My most recent sporting endeavor was pretty lame; with two friends and a bright, sunny afternoon in tow, we thought it a good idea to squeeze in a game of tennis. One, who for the sake of anonymity we will call ‘Mr. Smith’, managed to injure himself before we had even left for the courts.

Schlock horror!

In an act of superhuman stupidity, he either suddenly forgot how to walk, or misjudged the final few of steps leading down to the foyer of S Block.

Hilarity turned to concern, and then turned to astonishment as Mr. Smith decided to soldier on despite the impending physiotherapy sessions. And so it was; with a hobbling spectator we proceeded to the courts and put on

I’m a man who loves his tacky. I used to drive an old Corona with Metallica dog tags hanging from the rear view mirror and a dashboard panel with an alien painted on it. Don’t judge me.

a five-minute display that was not only detrimental to tennis, but to sport in general.

Alice Cooper to Rob Zombie to GWAR to Murderdolls/Wednesday 13.

Whether I’m feeding my Frankenstein (again, no comments), looking for a living dead girl (emails to boganology@yahoo.co.nz haha!), performing a sex cow hoe-down or graverobbing in the USA – it’s all good. I even like House of 1000 Corpses (sad but true) and laughed during Cradle of Fear (terrible, terrible movie). I preferred the old Dawn of the Dead to the new one. There’s nothing like spaghetti intestines and green paint makeup to crack me up. The zombie who gets his “hair” cut off by the helicopter blade is a classic screen gem.

Sitting in the workshop, looking at a roll of bubble packaging out the corner of one eye, and a beer fridge out of the other; with the steps in S-Block having already demonstrated their devilish potential for the wary athlete (or dingus), a plan is forming. But before engaging in any alcohol-fueled insanity, I thought it would be a good idea to check out some alternative sports; ones in which titans of masculinity such as myself, Mr. Smith and Co. would not be restricted by such trivialities as fitness, skill, or strategy.

In no particular order, here are a few that have made the ‘A’ list.

Gurning: The art of contorting your face into the funkiest pose possible. The world championships are usually held at the Egremont Crab Apple Festival, which apparently dates back to 1267.

While you’re not gurning it up, impress the ladies by trying to climb up a greasy pole, or engage in some traditional Cumberland wrestling.

Wife Carrying: This one varies from a simple drag

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

race format, to all out obstacle courses with ditches, walls, ropes and everything. Initially I thought the obvious setback experienced by my friends and I was insurmountable, i.e. the lack of a wife or significant other, but again, this is not true.

36

With origins stemming from19th century wife stealing shenanigans, we’d probably bring added authenticity. Admittedly, in whisking off with woman of my dreams, there is a high chance I’d either accidentally drown, or drop her in mid flight provided of course, that I could actually pick her up in the first place. Failing that, being chased by large, angry, muscle encrusted Estonian men is a bit of a turn off.

More to come next week, but for now, here’s a big ‘welcome back to B Semester’ from all your buddies at Nexus. Don’t forget to get involved, and give new stuff a try…

‘Some people prefer the finer things in life…I’m alright just hanging out with the ghost of Vincent Price’ – Wednesday 13

That’s why I love the schlock (keep your dirty comments to yourself), from

But there’s something about a catchy and short zombie song that’s brilliant.

It’s like if Rob Zombie led the Ramones (that comment might attract some negative attention!). This is why I’ve been getting into Wednesday 13 and Murderdolls again. I’m easily brainwashed so those songs have burrowed their way into my brain…the quote above is from one of my favourite. Joey Jordison giving birth to Murderdolls which spawned Wednesday 13 is great…better than Corey Taylor’s StoneSour. I heard their latest single on The Rock today, bloody terrible.

Schlock also means big stage shows. Rob Zombie’s elaborate stage shows are brilliant – just check out the video to ‘Demonoid Phenomenon’. Better yet, check out GWAR. Just don’t judge me for loving them so much. Giant foam Tyrannosaurs, spiky shoulder pads, old people in wheelchairs with saw blades for hands, Sleazy.P.Martini. Don’t judge me.

Before I go: Today’s column was proudly sponsored by Rob Wickham. But only cause he stuck aerosol cans on the fire last weekend. Did I say aerosol cans? Is this a cell phone? Prank call!

Prank call!

“Haunt me. Haunt me like you used to, why don’t you scare me? Ohhhhh.

Haunt me. Haunt me like you used to – I love you best when you scare me to death.”

– Wednesday 13

Columns We’ll call her ‘Anne’. Our ‘Anne’ was a beautiful woman. She was a rose, our ‘Anne’. But then, the evil lure of telemarketing came along. This ushered in a dark age of ‘Anne’. She would pedantically clean every inch of the flat. She stopped listening to quality music and, instead, listened to Usher. She stopped making sense when she talked to us.

She had to get out.

She is now undergoing treatment at a clinic in the

Telemarketers As soon as someone becomes a telemarketer, In this week’s edition, we thought we’d take

they are sedated and “enhanced” to improve

a gander at those who disturb our viewing of

their performance. Firstly, they have inserted

Wednesday night sitcoms; the interrupter of many

a gland that produces a constant supply of

a feast of nachos and cheap beer - telemarketers.

endorphins to keep the worker in a constant state of happiness. It also speeds up their speech,

The word telemarketer derives from the ancient

making them unintelligible. Then they are fitted

Maori word tere-maketa meaning ‘to annoy

with a Voice Distortion Device which masks their

in a very inopportune moment’. The average

voice and, effectively, distorts it, making them

telemarketer will claim that that it’s just a job,

unrecognisable. Essentially, they sound like a

much like a paedophile will exclaim that it’s “just

squirrel that’s making sweet love to a Porsche.

sex”. But we know they’re both wrong.

Finally, they are inserted an explosive device which records their everyday lives so that, in the

But, where do they come from? What are their

event that dissent should break out, they are

origins? Here, we will reveal what Big Business

“taken care of”.

didn’t want you to know, a secret they’ve been We both knew a victim of this heinous profession.

The Nexus is always full of film and CD reviews, but I think this may be a first. Today’s Rage in a Cage is a podcast review. For those still in the dark, a podcast is a downloadable radio show that can be listened to on an mp3 player. Fans of The Office and Extras will know who Ricky Gervais is, and may have seen his two standup comedy routines, Animals and Politics (with a third, Science, to follow next year). For those that don’t, he’s an extremely gifted and talented comedian.

His podcast, creatively named The Ricky Gervais Show, is a half-hour or so conversation with his co-writer on The Office, Stephen Merchant and radio producer Karl Pilkington.

in his house and a man named “Jimmy the Hat” (due to the observation that he never wore one).

His family seems to be as strange as him. His brother was thrown out of the army for driving a tank to the corner shop to buy a packet of cigarettes.

The star of the show is undoubtedly Karl, who makes incoherent conversation and produces wild theories on a frequent basis. Karl Pilkington was born in Manchester and seemed to live an unusual childhood involving a collection of strange people, such as a boy who kept a horse

Ricky and Steve often ridicule his appearance.

It cannot be argued that Karl has perhaps the roundest head of all time, which is his accentuated by his lack of hair. Ricky often describes his head as being as round as “a fucking orange.” But it is what goes in inside head that has led to ridicule and wonderment. One of his most famous ideas was a theory he developed to alleviate the world’s population problems. It involved injecting a 78 year old woman who has just died, thus reviving her and allowing her to live life backwards. He fails to produce evidence for these sensational theories. He once claimed he would like to have a watch that counted down his

Who do we blame for this case and many others like our ‘Anne’? Do we blame the people entering the profession? Do we blame the corporations for abusing the use of the telephone? Do we blame Alexander Graeme Bell for inventing the telephone?

No. We blame America. It’s easier.

Thanks to Cameron Chung for his expletive written choice of topic and his many conspiracy theories regarding his hatred of telemarketers.

Cheers, dude! You too can suggest a topic for us to write about, or generally write as a hate-filled e-mail. E-mail us at chuckandbenjo@gmail.com.

life and told him when he would die. When asked what would make the watch work, he replied ‘Just pop it on your wrist.” He has countless strange opinions. Such as: Moths are blind, and should therefore not be allowed to fly, you never see old men eating a Twix (this is why Werther’s Originals became so popular amongst the elderly) and that bumblebees often have heart attacks because they are overweight.

Regular features of the show include Monkey News (bizarre and untrue stories about monkeys performing unusual feats) and Karl’s Diary, where excerpts are read of Karl’s personal thoughts.

Just beginning its third season, The Ricky Gervais Show is the most downloaded podcast ever, and its popularity is continually growing. I suggest you get on the net, download from iTunes (or whatever illegal program you use to download) and join in on the fun.

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

trying to hide for decades…until now.

lower North Island.

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38

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Comics

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

39

Food & Drink

Restaurants

By Hazazel

The Bank Boiling An Egg for Dummies When proclaiming someone’s lack of cooking skills, you often hear that they ‘couldn’t even boil an egg’. However, boiling an egg isn’t easy, especially when you want that perfect soft-boiled texture. So here are some guidelines: - Place egg in saucepan. Fill with water to a couple of centimetres of the egg.

- Put saucepan on stove and cook over medium heat until water boils.

- Reduce heat and simmer for 3 1/2 to 4 minutes (soft boiled) or 10-15 minutes (hard boiled).

- Remove egg with a spoon.

- Put egg in eggcup and serve with liberally buttered toast cut into ‘soldiers’. Dip soldier in yolk. Ah, comfort food..

To poach: Heat water in saucepan or frying pan to boiling, and turn down to simmer. Crack egg gently into water. Cook till done and take out with a slotted spoon.

To scramble: Beat eggs with milk and salt/ pepper. Heat small amount of olive oil or butter in pan and pour in egg mixture when hot. Scramble gently with spatula until the mixture is your

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

desired consistency, and eat. Good served with buttered toast and mushrooms fried in a dash of soy sauce.

40

Before the break, I went with some family to the Bank to celebrate my sister’s birthday. The Bank is a bit of an institution on Victoria St, so much so that I tend to think of it as a bit ordinary, but I had been told to pick somewhere with ‘normal’ food (sigh), and they’re open on Sunday nights, so it seemed a good bet. It’s certainly a welcoming place on a chilly evening with a cosy atmosphere, blazing fire, and friendly staff.

We began with some decent breads and dips, crisp curly fries (with a choice of sauces), and ‘small’ nachos (well-prepared, but much too big for an entree, unless you’re sharing!). My father had the cream of broccoli soup - also quite large, very creamy, and served with excellent bread.

Feeling rather daunted already, we moved on to the mains.

Sam took advantage of the final day of the Montieth’s Wild Food Challenge to try their ‘Crusty Pig Smashed on Monteith’s’ - smoked boar in a dukkah crust on roast vege confit, manuka honey, kumara & moi moi smash, topped with beetroot and horopito relish, matched with Montieth’s Celtic. The dukkah crust was a bit thin, but the meat was tender, with a really smokey flavour. I had the pasta of the day, which was chicken, spinach, mushroom and sun-dried tomatoes in a super-creamy pesto sauce, generously topped with parmesan. Exceedingly rich, almost over-thetop, but so luscious! Other dishes worth noting were the apricot chicken breast (nicely matched with mango peach chutney) and their tasty salads.

The mains were a good size, compared to the large entrees, so we ended up splitting one dessert between all of us! We enjoyed the banana and chocolate fudge cheesecake - it had a good flavour, and a few rich chunks of fudge. All in all, it was a very satisfying meal. The speed of service and prices are about average. The Bank doesn’t really push any culinary boundaries, but it’s good food, well done, in pleasant surroundings.

Top 5 Fruits Top 5 Veges 1. Pears

1. Potatoes

2. Nectarines

2. Broccoli

3. Nashis

3. Spinach

4. Kiwifruit

4. Carrots

5. Bananas

5. Pumpkin

(Try eating the skins too, it’s yum)

Reviews

Books On Wings of the Morning: Stories Of My Pioneering Family and Personal Memoirs Deirdre Helmore Hazard Press Reviewed by Jeff Rule Deirdre Helmore’s book is part family history, part autobiography and profoundly banal. Beginning (proudly) with the arrival of her pioneer forbears on the Christchurch equivalent of the Mayflower (The First Four Ships), the author charts her family tree with stories and recollections to tell a story that is recognisable to most New Zealanders. Coupled with often interesting tales, Helmore also writes of her own remarkable life; a stage-dancer in 1930s London, travelling Europe,

Liz Jones’s Diary: How one single girl got married Liz Jones Southern Publishers Group Reviewed by Pheobe Meryll General hint to readers – skim the back cover of books first. I stumbled through half of Liz Jones’s Diary thinking it was an unimaginative Bridget Jones satire that didn’t really work. Cue the lightbulb moment when I noticed that Liz Jones is a well-known, unrelated-to-Bridget, columnist for various UK papers and like, a real person. Ah. Right.

Consequently, the diary became more enjoyable from that point. The author/heroine can be hard

Conquering the Coast to Coast

and later a wife, mother and artist in post-war New Zealand. This is the kind of book produced at the urgings of family members to record the life of an interesting-but-aged relative.

The book takes the classic chronicle form – nothing new here. The prose is plain and unadorned, but still conveys the author’s zest for life. Lots of photographs and a low page-count also help to make this a highly readable book. Yet it remains the script of a visit to an elderly relative; ample and rambling stories tinged with nostalgia that made me think of hot afternoons listening to re-told glory-days at my grandparent’s house.

Read this book if…you can’t get enough of those retirement-home reminiscences. to identify with at times due to her ridiculous penchants for expensive beauty products and coffee made with freshground Illy beans and organic rainwater. But Jones has a knack for recounting her daily life with wry humour and the book provides a warm, honest account of flawed people and relationships, despite frequent digressions about cats. It’s easily digestible, coming mainly in tasty column sized segments.

Smart, contemporary and well-written. If you’re after absorbing escapism, you could do much worse.

blow account. Author Kelly Barber is an ordinary guy preparing for and completing for the 243 km endurance event and describes every detail of his epic experience. This allows other people to lie lazily in bed and read all about the dangers of bunch cycling and what it’s like to clamber up gravely mountain slopes when you’re utterly

Hearing about everything Barber encounters firsthand makes the process seem real and potentially achievable.

For anyone considering the Coast to Coast mission themselves, it’s an insightful must-read, and should engage any athletically inclined individual in the meantime.

Paulo Lins Bloomsbury Paperbacks Reviewed by Burton C. Bogan City of God is the original novel of the Oscar nominated film of the same name. It spans three decades of life in ‘The City of God’ area of Sao Paulo in Brazil. A place where drugs of various descriptions are everywhere, alcohol flows constantly, violence is a misunderstood look away and love goes to the guy willing to kill his best friend for it.

The book is very different to the movie, grittier and more realistic. The movie largely focuses on the redemptive story of Rocket’s struggle to escape the ghetto through his love and talent for photography (based on Lins himself). He is barely mentioned in the book, which instead focuses on the lives of three gangsters: Hellraiser (60s), Sparrow (70s) and Tiny (late 70s and early 80s). The story of Tiny’s gang war, which provided a backdrop in the movie, is particularly compelling. The book is a snapshot of ‘The City of God’ and seems to be an accurate insider’s look at the complexities of life in an area rife with numerous social issues.

Criticisms of the book are few. Given that it spans three decades, the large number of characters and names seems warranted, but often Lins will unnecessarily name every person in a group. I often found myself re-reading paragraphs to remember characters. Also the random stories that are interspersed between the main one are often incredibly graphic, depressing and gratuitous; particularly given the gangsters’ tendencies to anally rape their victims. Overall however, I really enjoyed City of God as it showed what life can be like outside your own safe little bubble.

Read it if…you have an interest in social justice or random street violence!

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‘It’s as if you’re there’ claims Coast to Coast legend Steve Gurney on the front cover, nicely summing up the main strength of this blow by

exhausted.

Barber’s tone is humorous and accessible, reminiscent of a good yarn between friends. The first person narrative approach could suffer from ‘and then I did this’ syndrome, but works on this occasion.

Kelly Barber Hazard Press Reviewed by Dawn Tuffery

City of God

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By M. Emery Hamilton is losing one of its best and brightest bands with the impending break up of This Night Creeps. The Creeps are playing three final shows with a Hamilton date downstairs at the Castle on Ward street, Friday, 15th September. Also performing on the night will be The MInt Chicks, White Birds and Lemons, The Vacants, and The New Caledonia. This will be a rad knockout gig, possibly one of the finest of this year.

48May, The New Caledonia, The Gills and Amy Racecar are all on the fast track to completing albums . Expect fresh sounds in the next 6 months to 2 years. Amy Racecar blame delays in completion of their album on their singer’s substance abuse problems.

Dynamo Go are also finishing up an EP of new music to follow up their Just a Victim single.

Dunedin metal band El Schlong are dropping into Ward Lane, October 7th.

Check out their nifty sounds: www.myspace.com/elschlong and www.elschlong.cjb.net Hamilton’s raddest independant record label, Mole Music have an upcoming EP release due from Sunny Tokyo and an album from The Vacants that will be ready to attack your face by late September.

Die! Die! Die! have recently signed with Tardus Music after months in the States where the chaps have been busy with residencies and what not.

Apparently they will be back in the country come November and if we’re lucky they’ll stop into Hamilton for some feedback and a writhe around on the floor.

Tardus will be releasing a fresh EP from Die!Die!Die! in Summer that was recorded in New York with Kevin Mcmahon.

New Plymouth metal men, Agent are finally releasing their debut album and doing the requisite tour over September. Diggers Back Bar plays host to Agent on the 8th September with a show also featuring the mature rock efforts of 8forty8 and Billy Corgan-supporting Te Awamutu youth rockers Equanox.

Hamilton’s blackest, Blacktooth are hitting the road for a North Island tour over September/October. You can catch them at their Hamilton date, Friday 29th September at Upsett Records with Metal Tower, Carnage and Gawj.

The Area 07 Hamilton Compilation CD release party is being held Saturday 16th September at The Meteor theatre with a sweet lineup of Hamilton performers that are featured on the CD. Gadget Goose, Venemous Mic Technicians, The Deadly Deaths, The Shrugs and Dynamo Go are all performing on the night for the bargain of $15 entry with CD or $5 entry only.

This compilation project has been made possible by Scott Newth, the driving force behind Area 07. Scott’s energy has been vital in the growth & support of local music.

Upsett Records, patrons of some of the finest punk shows this year will be taking a break over January 2007 so bear that in mind while you make your summer fun plans. With that said they already have some fine shows booked for the rest of this year and also into February 2007.

Justin Timberlake Futuresex/Lovesounds JT’s second album is all about the sex with song titles like ‘SexyBack’, ‘Sexy Ladies/Let Me Talk to You’ as well as the title track, ‘Futuresex/Lovesounds’, and that’s just the first three tracks!

Despite JT turning up the sex factor for his new LP upon listening I didn’t feel inspired to get on the sex or to start jerking off. Futuresex/ Lovesounds has a more sleek sparse sound in comparison to his debut with more emphasis on tight grooves and less of the bouncy fun Neptunes production of his first effort. Producers credited here include Rick Rubin, Timbaland, Danjahandz, and Will.i.am who also bring his Black Eyed Pea schtick to the track ‘Damn Girl’. Overall there are less memorable songs than on Justified but i’d consider this album a ‘grower’.

Regina Spektor Begin to Hope Regina Spektor’s Begin to Hope is one of my favourite releases this year.

Commonly branded as an anti-folk musician, Ms Spektor’s third album sees her incorporating more varied instrumentation than her prior releases to great effect. Where antifolk shares traits with punk, Begin to Hope embraces pop aesthetics, with songs featuring strings and spare touches of electronica.

The Russian born, New York raised, Spektor shows her heritage in her voice with mixed accents to add a slightly loopy charm to her consistently interesting lyrics. Classically trained as a pianist in Russia, Spektor shows a deft hand upon the keys that as she admits draws from her classical playing as much as her local scene in New York. Lead track ‘On the Radio’ is an amusing jaunty tune that cannot be faulted for melody or lyrically, especially with it name checking the Guns N Roses song ‘November Rain’ twice. Often lazily compared with Tori Amos or Fiona Apple, Regina Spektor’s latest release is devoid of the high drama of those artists and is a much more uplifting piece of musical art. Her previous release Soviet Kitsch is also well worth checking out.

Bill Hicks Sane Man

Daft Punk D.A.F.T.

Novels can have sex, violence and cussing, but you don’t need proof of age to buy it. I read The Power of One in intermediate; the dialogue is pretty much “fuck, fuck fuck”. Not to mention the sequel where the first half was based in a brothel and has what, three rapes? But it was probably in every school library. Picture books, magazines, they’re just asking for trouble but with the written word… I guess if your reading age is high enough to understand it, you’re considered mature enough to read it. Not that there aren’t banned books, or areas where the only books are different versions of a single religious text, but… that’s fucking stupid. Bill Hicks uses the spoken word as a medium, a step up, so he gets slapped with an R16 for offensive language, though the whole point is if you find him funny it isn’t offensive.

Side B – One from the archives, this DVD is so retro it’s one of those double-sided discs. I like to end on a positive note, so here’s the worst side first. Side B is a Daft Punk live set filmed with nine cameras so that I may be the DJ (um, image DJ) and mix my own video of the set. Hurrah.

When they said a live set they meant 8 minutes or so of a live set. To be fair, I find this sort of stuff pretty boring so I wouldn’t have watched it all the way through but I still feel short-changed. The dance danced by dancers to dance music looks idiotic unless you’re there in the flesh and off your face, with vaguely waving hands and rolling heads, so watching them is kind of irritating in itself. So, Side B would have been better off as disc art, but what of Side A?

He has a permissive attitude towards drugs. He describes in some detail two underage girls simultaneously performing oral sex on one another.

Jimi Hendrix using his python-like penis to cut one of them open as though with a “buzzsaw”. He covers George Michael’s giving head for money then having his head blown off for lacking talent. He gestures enthusiastically; come to think of it, that may be the reason for the R16, though I have yet to read a “rude gestures” description. Maybe flipping someone off counts as offensive sign language and acting out scenes from pornographic films is grouped accordingly. Hicks died in ’94, this set itself is from ’89, so when he complains about Bush it isn’t the one we complain about now. Overall, he is for the most part very funny, and I wish I could see him paint today’s social downfalls in such hilarious colours.

Side A – This side has the five videos made out of tracks from their first album Homework. Whereas their second album Discovery would spawn the awesome animated continuous album-length music video Interstella 5555, for their first album they were still content with making individual weird and wonderful clips. You’ve probably seen at least one: Da Funk has a dog-headed man with a leg in a cast wandering around a city at night. Around the World has a big choreographed dance number by the Halloween-costumed. Revolution 909 is about tomatoes. With directors like Spike Jones working on them, these videos were gold, and each one comes with commentary, making-ofs and other extras.

Films Homegrown – works on video RIALTO CINEMA

Review by Joe Citizen To rephrase Roland Barthes: The birth of the audience must be ransomed by the death of the auteur, and to quote Mr. Emit Snake-Beings recently: The audience is already dead. They do not understand, they have no interest in knowing. This was certainly true at the Rialto recently when on the rarest of occasions we were treated to some of New Zealand’s premier up and coming film making talent, presenting their short films on video. It seems popular to praise the do-it-yourself tenacity of New Zealand film makers when they are large and established (not to mention famous overseas) but when it comes to supporting local work with old fashioned bums on seats, Hamilton barely managed an apathetic yawn.

Which is a shame, because the offerings were fantastic. The bar has well and truly been raised for Hamilton’s film-makers (hope to see you all at the Hamilton Underground Film Festival at the Waikato Museum, 7pm on Wednesday 13th September) who could learn a thing or two from the new national standard.

Many (but not all) of our local practitioners are students, who often fail to appreciate the importance of learning from others who have gone before them. I’d go so far to say that the similarity between the average film student and a sack of potatoes these days is uncanny. At

chunky nuggets and I wouldn’t be surprised if these offerings become the groundwork for the feature films of the future. Sam Kelly’s “Frames” and Miles Murphy’s “The Knock” both took the breath out of my lungs for their cinematic mastery of the moving image medium. It takes skill to render tension in such a short time span but I’m not sure if the average viewer is discontented enough with the humiliation titillations of cheaply produced reality shows, to want to view the these quality alternatives. National identity may well be expressed through its art, but what does it say

least they’re a step above the average viewer’s desire to comprehend the enormity of popular media’s manipulation of our perceived wants and desires. It’s not so much ignorance as wilful complacency.

of us when we’d rather watch regurgitated American formulaic trash?

The sample who have persevered to make these largely unsupported short films are not first timers. There’s real gold here in

THE HAMILTON UNDERGROUND FILM FESTIVAL Sept 13th 2006

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Info website: http://www.circuit47.com/otato/ International and Local: 13 contemporary underground filmmakers from Hamilton, USA, UK and Japan combined in one show, and also on one DVD, which is available only on the night. Over one hour of experimental (and narrative) short films between 2 minutes and 9 minutes long.

Each filmmaker receives a copy of the compilation DVD containing the night’s film program and information about the filmmakers involved. The audience can also buy the DVD on the night When: ONE NIGHT ONLY! 7PM WEDNESDAY 13TH SEPTEMBER 2006 Where: WAIKATO MUSEUM (LECTURE THEATRE Price: $2:50 CONCS / $5 / $10 with DVD compilation of the nights showing Extra cheap for students/low waged : $2:50 !

Look out for more details on the filmmakers next week.

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Personally I can’t wait until Saturday 2nd September for Homegrown – Love and other catastrophes, showing at Rialto at 1.45pm. I don’t want to hear your excuses, I’d rather see you put your money where your mouth is.

Te haerenga waka o nga tauira maori i Te Whare Wananga o Waikato ki Te Huinga Tauira Last Tuesday at midnight, 41 Waikato University Tauira departed from campus and headed on a journey to Wellington for the annual event of Te Huinga Tauira. Te Huinga Tauira is a collective forum where Maori tertiary students can hui to whakawhanaungatanga, whakawhiri whakaaro me whakakaha ake te mauri ora i nga tauira maori katoa.

Superbly organized events were co-ordinated on behalf of the hosts from Victoria University Maori Student roopu Ngai Tauira. These events coincided with the kaupapa; “Manaaki tonu te Tauira”. As expected, a peaceful protest to Parliament occurred in conjunction with the 20th Birthday Celebrations of Te Herenga Waka Marae.

However, this would not have been possible if not for Waikato Student Union 2006 in regards to the generous financial putea provided on their behalf.

Kia ora rawa atu ki a koutou katoa. Secondly, Te komiti hikoi, a huge shout out to you all for the absolutely fantastic job in organizing the logistics in order to be able to embark on this amazing haerenga. Nga mihi aroha ki a koutou. Lastly, te roopu, he tino aroha nunui tenei ki a koutou katoa. The representation from you all down in Poneke was professional, respectable and he tino ataahua.

No reira, let’s all look forward to next year ne.

Hei kona ra Tatiana.

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The trip started off with a beautiful karakia which set the wairua for the rest of the journey. After 9 long hours on the pahi, we arrived safely in the windy capital. The roopu was allocated sleeping arrangements and then the formalities kicked in.

Congratulations are afforded to the University of Waikato Maori students who attended Te Huinga Tauira due to phenomenal success with Kapahaka Super 10 and Hakinakina. Not to mention second and third placings in other competitions.

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By The Panther Tip# 5498: I’m going to come clean. I don’t really have 300kg of pure muscle, I only have a pathetic 292kg of toned muscle. But don’t worry I’m going kick it up a notch with a BAM! My plan you ask? Well that’s my secret, you little turtle dove. I can’t reveal that lest the government comes sniffing for some candy out of my ass. But if you must know let’s just say I will be following a certain set of weekly tips and shitloads of ‘roids.

Tip# 283: This is not so much a tip as a way of life - read this next line to learn the secret of muscleatude. Before you have any activity in life ask yourself “What would Steven Seagal do?” Would Seagal go to the gym?

Unlikely, he would blow up the gym where a terrorist cell was hiding out.

Would Seagal go for a run? Fuck no, He makes the criminals come to him and then delivers a swift ass kicking. Would Seagal eat that pound of cheese your fat ass is contemplating? What, are you fucked in the head?

Steven Seagal does not eat food - he is fueled by the sun, which also supplies him with super speed and strength (I think he has like laser eyes and ice breath too). So, you have added up all the powers and seen the similarity to a certain super man. But you’re thinking ‘what about X-ray vision for the ladies?’ Well, Steven Seagal has ladies getting naked at the very sight of him so there’s no need for no X-rays when you gots da Sexrays. Well I hope this enormously long tip has come to some help for you and your loved ones, merry Christmas one and all.

Opal Nera Recipe Winners Another big pile of entries this time. Keep it up!

Deck of cards or a recording of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’

Mat van Oudenaaren: Hazelnut Beauty

Method: 1) Find a clean shooter glass. If the cupboard is empty use an old jar or something.

2) Layer ingredients, vodka first then Opal Nera.

3) Take the deck of cards and shuffle. Place the deck face down.

4) Say, “Ace of Spades” and flip over the top card. If the card is not an ace of spades, then you take a drink. You keep playing until you get to the ace of spades.

If you are playing the Motorhead version: Put on Motorhead.

Follow steps 1 and 2, When Lemmy says ‘I don’t want to live forever’, light the drink on fire, rip your shirt off and shoot through a straw while it’s flaming.

ISSUE 19 / 4 SEPTEMBER 2006

Ingredients 2 parts Franjelico 1 part Opal Nera 1 part vodka 1 part lime juice

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Method: Shake ingredients with ice and pour into a martini glass and garnish with a lime wheel.

This drink has beautiful hazelnut-chocolate flavours with a subtle licorice aftertaste.

Deliciously smooth!

Bella Perrone: Kiwi Ace of Spades What you will need: 1/3 measure Opal Nera 2/3 measure 42 below kiwifruit