issue 2

Page 1

www.nexusmag.co.nz

9 March 2009



Features: 04 Editorial 05 Low Five 06 Photos 08-12 News 13 Police Report 14-15 Lettuce 25-28 WSU 29 Notices 30 Boganology 101 30 Agony Art 31 The Nerdary 31 Sarcophagus Rex 32 The Feminine Files 32 Uncommon Sense 33 Your Physical Education 33 VitaminC 34 Flash Medallion’s Puzzle Page 35 Auteur House Presents 36 Movie Review 37 Reviews 38 Gig Guide 39 BUSTED

Bar Reviews 18 More Nexus Profiles 23 O’week Pictures 6,17

Credits: Editor: Joshua Drummond (editor@nexusmag.co.nz)

Design: Talia Mussom (graphics@nexusmag.co.nz)

Advertising: Tony Arkell (ads@nexusmag.co.nz/021 176 6180)

Reporter: Grant Burns (news@nexusmag.co.nz)

Film Ed: Art Focker (agonyart@nexusmag.co.nz) Games Editor: Antony Parnell Theatre Editor: Jessica Ritchie Contributors Vitamin C, WSU, Kirill, Chris Parnell, Burton C. Bogan, Nick Sicklemore, Dawn Tuffery, Jed Laundry, Dr Richard Swainson, Maria Mo, Josh, Grant Burns, Mammoth, HCAC, Flash Medallion, Art Focker, Blair Munro, Louise Blackstock, Emma Swete, DJ Lauree, Rorschach

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Because it’s all kinds of fun. THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, THE EDITOR, OR ANYONE REALLLY. WE DIDN’T DO IT, NOBODY SAW US DO IT, YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING.


The thumping strains of Katchafire are drifting – well, not drifting, more like pummelling – through my open window as I type. A big crowd hasn’t been the slightest bit deterred by some flimsy rain and is skankin’ it up on the Village Brown. The giant service station overhang is doing a good job of keeping the punters out of the wet. Chief Plastics Engineer/ Vice-Chancellor Roy Crawford can be happy. The Hub project is his baby, and there’s no way the old shops could have kept quite as many people happy and dry. A quintillion dollars well spent. I just got back from watching the Watchmen. The movie, that is. See the review on Page 36. But fourteen hours of one of my favourite books rendered in lush celluloid has got me thinking. Perhaps this is simply because all my blood has moved from my arse to my brain, judging by the fact that I still don’t have any feeling below my coccyx, but I’m thinking just the same. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who watches the watchmen? This happy little rhetorical ditty is what informs the Watchmen book/movie and it’s something that’s been bothering me lately. Because I watch the watchmen. Nexus, as part of the media, watches the watchmen. And you watch the watchmen, sometimes on TV, sometimes on the street, sometimes in the paper or the internet and sometimes in this, the magazine you’re reading right now. It may seem a bit strange that a magazine which includes a thing called “Lord Bhfulu’s

Puzzle Page,” takes itself so seriously. But we do. I don’t know many journalists who don’t (apart from the pillocks who work in celebrity journalism, but they’re not journalists.) Nexus is part of a sacred trust, even if we spend much time not realising it or ignoring it. The press is the nominal Fourth Estate, the magic thing that’s evolved to keep the triumvirate of judiciary, executive and legislature in line. Nexus is a part of the press. A very small, sometimes profanity-laden and very irreverent part, but we’re still a cog in a big machine. Our own little bit of turf is the place that’s now running brown with the footprints of five hundred (I’m guessing) happy partygoers. Waikato University, (and in decreasing order of importance, Hamilton, New Zealand, the World, etc) is what we watch. Given that the University is tasked with being a critic and conscience of society, a watchman in itself, this is no mean feat. We are trying, with a (mostly) volunteer staff and limited resources, to keep watch on the largest single employer in Hamilton, a giant dysfunctional multilimbed educational monster containing many thousands of students and staff and vital to your future, assuming you’re a student here. This entails a lot of frustration and late nights and stories that don’t go anywhere and pages of guff and filler. But when we crack it, we crack it good. Nexus has broken some pretty damned important stories. If you’ve been watching, and you should have been, we broke a story last year about the University’s disgraceful treatment of Masters student Roel van Leeuwen, whose thesis was abruptly yanked from the University Library

and internet, on the complaint of one Kerry Bolton, a former secretary of the National Front. This move was both morally and legally dubious, and is now paying poisoned dividends to a troubled University. Apart from the gross idiocy of trying to delete something from the Internet (here’s a hint, for next time; you can’t) the University seems to have taken the path of maximum stupidity. In trying for secrecy, it blew the lid on its own operations, and a sad picture is emerging – one of incompetence, staff infighting, empire-building and powerplaying. All this, and the original problem isn’t even close to solved. Roel’s thesis remains offline (well, it’s still around if you know where to look. Check it out – it’s an interesting read) and he’s still being thoroughly mistreated by a diffident, sometimes obnoxious, University administration. If you think this is the slightest bit unimportant, bear in mind that any student at the University could potentially be treated the same way. We’ll have more on it as it develops. But I’m hoping that the University opts for a change. I hope they’ll start treating their student properly. I hope the matter will be dealt with in a clear and competent manner, and that justice will be served. I’m not holding my breath, but I’m sure the University is capable of it. And if they’re not? We’ll tell you. Who watches the watchmen? We try our best to. And by reading us, so do you. Oh, and when we’re not taking ourselves quite so seriously? We write the Bar Reviews. They start on page 18 and they’re totally meaningless fun guff. Enjoy.


1. If you could have a superpower for O-Week, what would it be? 2. What’s your favourite/most anticipated O-Week event so far? 3. Costume of choice for O-Week? 4. Best hangover cure? 5. What should be done with the religious hunter-gatherers? Kelsey (BComm) / Megan (BMS) 1. I’d be a tank – be able to drink a lot/Invisibility to sneak into events! 2. The Toga Run/The Beach Party 3. A Beer Maid! Always wanted to dress up as one but never have/Toga 4. Ginger beer/Sleep through it. 5. (Both) Let people come to them.

Shaun (BoE) 1. Never run out of energy so I can party the whole week without sleep! 2. Tonight (Wednesday) – it’s my birthday. Toga party and beach party. 3. Overalls. 4. Start again – hair of the dog! 5. They should keep their religion to themselves. Cameron (BMS) 1. Probably be really quick so I can steal all the textbooks and get away with it. 2. Concord Dawn was epic – looking forward to Our House too. 3. Superhero of some form – can’t go wrong with that 4. Sleeping in. Powerade. 5. Dunno…throw them in the lake or something!

Shanell (BTour) / Michelle (BLLB/ BSc) 1. Teleporting/invisibility 2. Katchafire!/Katchafire and dDub. 3. Anything! Pyjamas!/Superwoman. 4. Powerade, the blue one/more beer! 5. Don’t come up to people unless they come up to you first Ben (BSc) 1. The ability not to muck around waiting for lectures to start. 2. Katchafire. 3. Rasta guy. 4. I don’t drink! How about that! 5. More Bibles I say – I got like three free ones.



EVENTS ON CAMPUS

STEPHEN WISHED HE’D BEEN INSURED

Discover Deloitte Cultural Hour

Stephen thought he couldn’t afford to get his car insured – not full cover for his car and any car he damages – or even cheaper third party insurance to cover another car in case he is at fault in an accident. Stephen was wrong! He should have least got third party insurance. Unfortunately his car damaged another car while it was parked so he was clearly at fault and responsible for the costs incurred.

1pm - 2pm Wednesday 11 March Wel Energy Trust Performing Arts Centre Upstairs Lounge

The University branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other hassles you might have. They have heaps of pamphlets and a huge database to help answer anyone’s questions. Visit them at the Cowshed from 1pm – 3pm daily during semesters or phone 0800FORCAB (0800 367 222).

10am - 2pm Thursday 12 March Waikato Management School Foyer

By the way as about a quarter of vehicles in New Zealand are not insured, the Government is considering making third party car insurance compulsory. This would address issues of equity and road safety as at-fault insured motorists would be protected against potentially hefty costs in the event of a crash and responsible drivers wouldn’t be left out of pocket. At present, those who have vehicle insurance are paying for the costs of all motorists through their insurance premiums.

Discover Deloitte Evening

Careers Fair

5pm - 7pm Wednesday 18 March Waikato University S - Block S.1.04 Contact Sarfraz Hapuku on (07) 834 7833 for more information


ISSUE 2 - 9 March 2009

any question or queries email news@nexus-npl.co.nz

O what a week!

Now the responsibilities kick in By Grant Burns As I am writing this, O’Week is still in full swing. Frantic WSU directors and volunteers are pacing around the office, grabbing prizes, tools, and everything in between .Tonight (Thursday 5th) is the big one. As opposed to last year where the major bands played on separate nights, this year the WSU has contracted major bands (Katchafire and dDub) to play one massive outdoor concert tonight – and, well, if it’s anything like the rest of the events that have been offered this week, it will be “O” for Orsome. The week kicked off on Monday at 11:30am with the WSU Olympics attracting hordes of starving students to participate in the Dominos pizza eating competition. The music began pumping with the Sekure/Loft DJ on the village green while Liquor King supplied the meat and bread. ZM came to the party with their version of the game show ‘Distraction’ which showcased students making arses of themselves while answering questions for miscellaneous cash and booze prizes. The evening events on campus included the hypnotist Guy Carter who bedazzled the crowd and kept everyone in the audience very entertained. At one point several students were hypnotised to believe they were James Bond and random audience members were Al 8

Qaeda. One decided the Nexus Editor’s phototaking was suspicious and proceeded to chase him around the Village Green for five minutes. Luckily, he was horribly unfit and collapsed in front of the stage after screaming “STOP HIM! WHY WON’T SOMEBODY STOP HIM!” Off campus was a foam party at the Outback which was full of wet, drunk first-years looking for a shag, while over at the Bahama Hut and Bar 101 students walked around in togs and bikinis for the beach party.

It has been overwhelming; this is more than I ever expected university to be like, I’m having an awesome time, Tuesday continued with more WSU Olympic events such as wheelbarrow races and gladiator fights pumping to the sounds of the Sekure/Loft DJ. The Contact FM busking competition took place all around campus with long haired bongo-playing hippies occupying the sidewalk. The satirical singing duo Cane of Punishment took out the top prize of $200 with their altered renditions of popular rock songs, with “Why does AIDS do this to me,” being a favourite. ZM’s Distraction game attracted another big crowd to watch the

absurd antics of the unfortunate contestants, with Nexus contributor Blair Munro putting up a good fight against some troglodyte whose answer for everything was a grunted “pussy.” At night time, the good times and laughter shifted over to The Hilly as the Notorious Comedy Night dropped in. New Zealand comedians Ben Hurley and Steve Wrigley cracked up the crowd with their hilarious jokes and skits, while Dai Henwood was a drunken joke himself. The Outback hosted Concord Dawn who packed out the dance floor with eckied-out wide-eyed drum and bass fans. Beerfest at Bar101 catered for all the other drunken souls who were stumbling around town. Wednesday cranked up the vibe with the whole Village Green covered in stalls for Clubs Day. Everything from medieval to pagan clubs and every sport under the sun was available for anyone who was game enough to sign up. A giant rock climbing wall was erected in the middle of the Green while on the other side there was log-jousting. Outside the Academy of Performing Arts was live music from Sumo Love Machine and a half pipe for all the skaters to showcase off their skills.


Wednesday night featured the open air movie screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show outside the Academy of Performing Arts. Off campus, groups of students walked the streets towards the toga party at Bar101. As I rode past I felt as though I was in Rome during the Republic with all the drunken, toga-wearing larrikins stumbling around. Non-Roman students occupied the beach party at Outback. I decided to get amongst the crowds and ask some students what they thought of O’Week 2009 thus far. “It has been overwhelming; this is more than I ever expected university to be like, I’m having an awesome time,” said first year BCS student, Joshua Ruff. For a more in-depth perspective I approached a second year student for his view. “When you’re second year O’Week seems more about propaganda and advertising for businesses, but I’ve been entering more events than I did

last year. However, I would have to say I’ve been more actively involved in the night time/ drinking events off campus,” said Jesse Lee, a BA/BTeach student. WSU President Ben Delaney said O’week had been a success. “I’m loving the interaction from students. The consistent crowd attendance has made for a continuous vibe around the campus. Students have been fed with sausages and replenished with many liquid giveaways which have assisted with a large variety of events both on and off campus.” And now, I’m back here in the future (your past.) Today’s events are booming behind me with sound checks taking place for the lunchtime concert series which includes The Thomas Oliver Band and the Earlybirds. Tonight is the big one. Katchafire, dDub, and Knight of the Dub Table are playing at the Village

Green which looks to be being a pumping and successful concert. Tomorrow will be the last day of freedom and fun. Paradox and The Exiles will be supplying the live music while those with brave bodies will be stripping off to become art in the Burgerfuel body painting competition. Those who don’t already have permanent hangovers may even be brave enough to go out at night and observe the Miss O’Week competition at Bar101. And thus another O’Week has spiralled to an end. From here on in, university work will pile up until you either run away scared or rise to the academic challenge. Hamilton streets will return to the desolate alleys they once were. But, whether you sink or swim through the rest the year, you can at least say with drunken pride, “I was there! – I think.”

9


Video stores caught claiming controversial law will “stop child porn.” By Joshua Drummond

Supporters of the controversial “guilt upon

“If a customer said they didn’t want to sign,

association” copyright law have been asking people to sign a petition in favour of the law, claiming it is about controlling child pornography.

we were told to “sell it” on the idea that it was an anti-kiddy-porn law,” the employee said. “We were told that the [stores promoting the petition] had a target set of 40, 000 signatures, and that underperforming stores would have to explain themselves [to head office.]” The employee said that the petition was also being circulated outside the stores. “I’ve also heard that people who don’t work in the video stores have been paid to go and collect signatures independently.”

Several United Video and other video rental stores in Hamilton are circulating a petition, asking that people agree to the statement “that ISPs (Internet Service Providers) should... [agree] to terminate the internet accounts of persistent infringers of copyright law.” But staff at the video stores have been telling customers that the petition is about stopping child pornography. Staff at United Video Dinsdale could be overheard last weekend telling customers that the petition was about stopping “illegal downloads online” and “especially kiddy porn.” They were unclear about what the law being referred to actually was or what the petition addressed. When staff called upon the manager, Sue, to clarify the petition, she also said that the law was about stopping illegal downloads, “Particularly child porn,” she said. The petitions had dozens of signatures at different video outlets throughout Hamilton. Several video store employees approached Nexus, saying they were unhappy asking people to sign a petition they disagreed with. One said that management had been instructing all staff to ask customers to sign the petition, and bring up the matter of child pornography if they did not. 10

He added that some staff were accusing people who refused to sign the petition of being pirates, or supporting piracy. The employee said that he knew something about the law and felt uncomfortable about persuading customers to sign the petition, but did not want to lose his job. “I’m not comfortable asking people to sign it, let alone telling them it’s about child porn when it’s not.” The organisation behind the “Blackout” protests, the Creative Freedom Foundation (CFF), said claiming s 92 A had anything to do with child pornography was “shameful and misleading.” “Section 92A has nothing whatsoever to do with the horrible crime of child pornography,” said Bronwyn Holloway-Smith, the director of the CFF. “This can be verified by either reading the law or looking at the punishment that S92A calls for. S92A is very specific about the fact that it relates to copyright infringement and the punishment it calls for is internet disconnection. This punishment is far from

appropriate for those distributing child pornography.” The General Manager of United Video, Lindsay Hall, said that he wasn’t aware of stores peddling the child porn rumours. “I’m not aware of that,” he said. “I don’t know why they’re saying that, if that is what they’re saying. Our petition is about the protection of copyright in New Zealand.” He added that he had sent out an email to United Video stores that morning “reminding people of what the petition is about, and I should hope that, especially from this morning, that is the message they are getting across - and I’ll be very disappointed if they’re not.” Similarly, the executive director of the New Zealand Federation Against Copyright Theft (NZ FACT,) Tony Eaton, said that the petition had nothing to do with child pornography. “No, that’s totally wrong,” Eaton said, adding that an email to that effect had been released and circulated amongst video stores carrying the petition. The petition is in support of section 92 A of the Copyright Amendment Act, which was recently delayed by the National Government. The law calls for ISPs to cut off the internet service of copyright infringers, without recourse to the justice system. Opponents of the law have labeled it “guilt upon association” and say it is unfair and unworkable. A mass internet protest, spurred by the Creative Freedom Foundation, popular blogs, and even British TV star Stephen Fry, has been credited with having the Government delay the law for a month.


Get chew some Good Food on campus. By Gaura

Ready for some real feel-good stuff after your O-week extravaganza? I’m here to tell you about the exciting sustainable things that are going on at Gaura Good Food (the vegetarian cafe on campus). Many of you are aware that we serve all our meals on biodegradable plates – they are made of sugarcane. Unfortunately for us, the sugar has been extracted already so they don’t taste so good – and would probably give you a tummy-ache if you eat them (although I know some people who tried...) The great thing about them is that they are made out of what would otherwise be a waste product, and they are really good for the compost! ‘Yeah, yeah, pretty ordinary,’ you may say, but at Gaura we go even further in our quest to be sustainable. You will notice that we have two rubbish bins at Gaura (no, you are not seeing double, although you may still be

hung-over). Muni collects your compostable sugarcane plates and food scraps, takes them home and turns them into compost. Yes, he does have to do some dumpster diving to fish out your used plastic forks – someone has to do the dirty work! It takes four weeks to turn your sugarcane plates into compost, and he then digs it into his veggie garden – which flourishes! This year we will use some of the veggies he grows at Gaura! How’s that for eco-friendly? But wait - there’s more! What, more? Yes more... Gaura (which rhymes with Laura, by the way) is not only vegetarian but completely vegan. That means we don’t use any animal products in our food. Did you know that meateating is a major cause of global warming? Livestock production is a main driver of deforestation, and also causes water pollution by effluent and fertiliser run-off. Also, livestock

emits potent greenhouse gases (yeah, yeah, cow farts!). Of course, we don’t expect all students to turn vegan overnight – but if everyone cut back even just a little, it will help. With all this going on at Gaura you might forget that we still do serve the best food at the cheapest price on campus. Yay!

Which one’s the funny guy? Hint: it’s not Dai Henwood By Grant Burns On Tuesday night, The Notorious Comedy Tour consisting of Ben Hurley, Steve Wrigley, and Dai Henwood came to The Hilly to crack up a crowd of mostly drunken students. The event was put on by the WSU and tickets sold out long before the first comic took the stage. The MC for the evening was the witty and cruel Ben Hurley who warmed up the crowd by ruthlessly mocking everyone within mocking distance. No one was safe as Ben established the mood for a hilarious evening. The first of the two main acts, Steve Wrigley, strutted onto the stage in tight black jeans, an XXL blue t-shirt, and a white bandana. The first thing he asked the crowd was, “Is anybody here from the Hawkes Bay?” No one replied. “Well, thank fuck for that. That place is honestly fucked up. I did a gig there recently and as I was walking out, someone from the audience yelled, “Take off your bandana, faggot”, and I said, “mate, you’re calling me

a faggot while asking another man to begin removing items of clothing. What the fuck?” Howls of laughter followed and Steve settled into his act. Nothing was sacred in his set. Jokes about midgets, Americans, Hamilton sluts kept the crowds in fits of laughter. During the intermission, the malicious MC, Ben Hurley, continued to joke about people’s attire, partners, and faces. The last standing comic to take the stage was the over-hyped Dai Henwood. Drunk as a poet on payday, Dai stumbled onto the stage with a bottle in his hand shouting, “I’m drunk and that’s my name on my shirt,” pointing to the fluorescent yellow t-shirt he was wearing that said ‘HENWOOD’. Dai’s jokes consisted mostly of how shit New Zealand was, getting drunk, and P. No matter what Dai was on about, he would incorporate “P freak” or “meth head” into his punchlines.

Nothing was sacred in his set. Jokes about midgets, Americans, Hamilton sluts kept the crowds in fits of laughter.

As Mr Henwood’s drunken rambling persisted, the crowd grew sober. The laughs were less as his set drew on. Resorting to his original pony trick, Dai stripped on his shirt and began performing his rendition of Cyndi Lauper’s “Time after time” to finish his disappointing set. Overall, the night was a success. Everybody spoken to after the event was satisfied and said pricing was reasonable for what they paid for. One patron summed it up best: “There were no bad jokes, just one bad comedian.” 11


The Nexus Haiku News by Drummond-san

If you’re new to the Haiku News, here is how it works: We find news items and copy the headlines. Under the headline, we summarise the news item in 17 syllables – no more, no less. This is the only rule. Yes, we know they’re supposed to go 5-7-5. We don’t care. Sometimes the Haikus rhyme, for whatever reason. That is all. Black day for jobs Kiwis running out of work. As it’s not a joke, There is no punchline. Heavy rain warning for Auckland Auckland to experience Heavy rain

Tell us, why this is news? Asteroid bolts past Asteroid has Nearest near miss Warning from Reptilian Shapeshifters? War on Coke declared Coke causes cancer Scientists say – at same time, launch “Drink Pepsi” campaign. Free physio top of hit list in ACC shake-up Free healthcare, can’t be abide Wait, soon you’ll hear it, “Market must decide.”

What not to do when critters strike Herald dispels jitters About what to do when Bitten by “critters.” Miley fires up over jogging snaps She’s jogging again! In other news: Iran acquires nuclear weapon Overseas student numbers rise International cash cow injection Milk them, pass them, No rejection!

“Marry for money” Nexus 1995, Issue 15 By Grant Burns Are you having trouble getting a student allowance because your parents earn too much? Get married. Student marriages are a way around the parental means-testing which is the student allowance restriction that denies many students under the age of 25 accesses to student allowances because their parents are still deemed to support them. Countless students cannot receive allowances due to their parent’s income, but if they get married they can receive up to $159.54 a week. “Is it illegal?” I heard someone say, well no, it isn’t illegal to marry someone for a martial student allowance; however, it is illegal to marry someone for immigration/residency purposes. The only tiny catch is you must be over the age of 20 or have consent from parents if 18 -20. However, it would be impossible for the Registrar to discover that the

David Bennett MP M P f o r h aM i l t o n e a s t

Phone: 07 834 3407 Email: davidbennett@xtra.co.nz www.davidbennett.co.nz

www.national.org.nz 12

signatures on your parent’s consent forms are actually their own. The only other main obligations are: one must look like a male, the other look something like a female, a $42.50 licence fee, and they cannot be ‘too’ closely related – and hey presto your ready to start earning that sweet martial cash. The ceremony is the easy part. All you have to do is go to the Registry office, fill in a form with your birth certificates, pay the fees, and book yourself a wedding within a few days time. You may need to take a couple of witnesses to the ceremony; no rings needed. Once you’re married, go to studylink and tell them your circumstances have changed, taking along your shiny new marriage certificate. They will make you fill out forms and in about a fortnight you’ll get your first payment. Now the beauty is in the balls of this deal. You don’t have to live with your new spouse, not even on the first night! In fact we encourage not living together, it makes the divorce process easier. A divorce can be made after two years of separation, followed by about two months of court proceedings costing you around $145. The grounds for a divorce is if you have lived apart for over two years, so there is no way the other can pull out of a divorce, even if some pesky ‘love’ emerges its disfigured head. And there you have it, the quick and easy guide to beating the unjust allowance system via student marriages. By the time you have finished your degree you’ll be more finically secure than other celibate students and legally single. So if your parents also earn too much and give you jack-squat of it, come to Nexus and see me, Grant, your new future husband.


East Hamilton Police Burglary Report 23rd February - 1st March 2009

Last week 12 burglaries occurred and five vehicles were either stolen or broken into, in the Hamilton East and rural areas. Their locations are shown on the map. Now Orientation week is upon us, and I’m aware that at the moment it’s a carefree way of life because it’s new, fun and exciting. Please remember if you’re going to have party or a gathering at your flat, be careful about friends (or friends of friends) who are entering. Two of the break-ins that occurred last week were when students had a party at their house and strangers entered and stayed the night. No one knew who they were, but early in the morning they were gone with several laptops and other items of value. This is a hard lesson to be learned by students, many of whom are new to the area and want to enjoy the whole university experience. Also on the map above I have indicated several vehicles that have either been stolen or broken into. These incidents have already increased, so please don’t leave anything valuable in your vehicle. It doesn’t take much for an offender to break in and take the vehicle or the belongings that were on the back seat.

Question from the Police. Do you have Contents Insurance for your valuable items in your flat? If you don’t, it might be worth thinking about. Information on how to protect your home is available from the East Hamilton Community Policing Centre on Clyde St. If you have any information that might help Police with these burglaries please call the University Constable, Nick Sickelmore Nicholas.Sickelmore@police.govt.nz

13


SEND LETTERS TO nexus@waikato.ac.nz

Simpsons reference wins over editor

LETTER OF THE WEEK

Dear Ed I want to have a little bitch, and the Lettuce pages are generally the place to do that. Sooo (big intake of breath)…I’m a little sick of businesses putting up posters all over University. As someone who likes putting on activities and wants to get students there I’m really sick of businesses like the gym and internet companies and sometimes banks plastering over every notice board and covering gig posters and clubs related stuff. Particularly the gym…you’re right at the entrance to University…you have your own dedicated notice boards…please bugger off back to your rowing machines. I want to know about gigs, if I want to know what your specials are…I’ll check out

TXTS TO THE EDITOR! Nexus now has a non-new TXT-in service! Send Letters to the Editor - via text - to 021 235 8436. They can be about anything – but if it’s something in the magazine, so much the better. We’ll print the best ones, so get texting! Texts should

the gym as I walk to class. If we’re ever going to build on the student culture we already have on campus and in Hamilton in general it’d be much appreciated if businesses let us do that rather than smothering these smaller posters that us little people try and put up with five or six of yours that all say the same thing. From What’s a Gyme?

include a name to attribute them to. Text of the week wins a mystery prize! (Oh yeah, and if you win? Come in and claim it at the office) Don’t forget: You can send Busted pictures in by pxt! Send us your best snaps of you or your mates in Busted-type situations to 021 235 8436. Can you do it? Yes you can!

Dear Agony Art (I use dear out of politeness and my years spent with my slightly sexually repressed mother. Not her fault but rather my fathers for putting on 30kgs.) As I gaze through down my hallway, even through my haze of wine, I can see a problem. There is hole in my bathroom wall and we appear to be missing a sink and part of the shower. After wandering round the flat looking for other life forms (not including my constant companion and close friend Mr mould) and testing random taps, I am left

wondering where my plumber and water have gone. My question is ‘when flats stop resembling Trainspotting?’. I see other flats (through windows as I stare longingly) with their matching carpet and designer bathrooms but have yet to meet a person who lives in such a place, even if they have finished uni. When? When? When? Also where do plumbers suddenly have to go to? I must go now as i need to find a place to pee possibly a bush Me

Dear Kate How is this a question? Just because you put a question mark at the end of a sentence, doesn’t make it a question? Also; learn to use punctuation. As an English student I would appreciate it greatly? As for water and plumber, try the phone book. In case you haven’t noticed, my column is about rooting and rooting-related activities such as hand-rooting and air-rooting. I’m just hoping your letter isn’t a giant metaphor. In which case, don’t call here again. Agony Art

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $20 BOOK VOUCHER FROM BENNETTS WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP!

PH 07 856 6813 14

FAX 07 856 2255

ADDRESS Gate 5 Hillcrest Road

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be kept under 250 words and be received by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be) but if it’s a serious letter you must use your real name, unless there’s a damn good reason. Send letters to editor@nexusmag. co.nz

WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

EMAIL wku@bennetts.co.nz


Re: Powhiri and Pool Parties The half week before O’Week is dedicated almost exclusively to the Halls of Residence, it’s been that way for years. To have a Pool Party straight after a Uni-wide powhiri on a day when 900 or so students have travelled far and wide, with their families, to move in to the Halls is a really bad management decision. It is vital in those few days that residents settle into the Halls, learn the Hall rules and bond with their floor; it is for the sake of the Hall, not anyone else. The first floor meetings have always been on that Wednesday and were actually postponed to a later time to accommodate the Pool Party. The WSU tried involving themselves with the Halls schedule but essentially they attempted to remove our residents from our Hall programme. Supervising 330 people in a Hall is not easy and I doubt that those complaining would take responsibility for residents who

The WSU put a good amount of resources into the Pool Party upon request from university to be a joint partner (who organized the pool). As an organization that is here to support the overall student experience we answered the call and ran the pool party within the time scheduled. It should be noted that the event was put on for students and as such came at a cost of manpower, physical resources etc to a number of organizations. To have it cut short was unfortunate for both students and the organizations involved. The WSU is committed to its member’s education and their experience on campus. Post event the WSU is working

had not attended those orientation meetings and ultimately made decisions that got them into trouble at the Halls. It’s nice that the WSU are willing to team up with the Halls, however you don’t need to put garbage like that in the Nexus.

with the university to move towards a more coordinated approach to events and services for students in the Halls from both organizations.

Nga mihi Te Aomarama

Naku Na Pene Delaney, WSU President.

Pools and Powhiri #2 Hey there MR. Burns! Just like to reply to your message about ‘Powhiris and Pool Parties, Until the halls of Residence fuck it all up’. To begin with I think that it is utterly rude of you to use such foul language as an opening title. I would also like to point out that O’week is 1 week, that is why it is called O’week and not O’ week and a half. You are correct that the New Halls of residents moved into their accommodation the Wednesday before O’week started, as the halls of residents like to have their students moved in and settled in before the academic year begins. I would also like to point out that they do not move in early to benefit from what the WSU put on for them; they move in early to benefit from the activities in which the halls of residents have arranged for them to ease the settling process. I am not sure if you have ever stayed

in a Halls of residents MR. Burns, however, I can re-assure you that the early arrival to the halls and the activities in which the halls set up for the new residents are all for the benefit and smooth running of the halls, and we all know that without the smooth running of the halls of residents, there would be no happy campers on campus. It is not the halls of residents fault that the WSU planned a pool party aimed at entertaining their residents, without notifying them first, I am 100% sure that if there was a little communication made between WSU and the Halls of Residents, then there may have been a better turn out, and if there was a bit of communication between the two, then the person who was meant to be communicating, should have done a better job, as I know from experience that the first floor meeting at the hall is the most important meeting as that is

the meeting that each and everyone introduces themselves and the all important guidelines and rules for the halls of residents. (This also will benefit the WSU as the residents know their boundaries and are unable to get into trouble and blame it on the uni). I do not see why the WSU is spitting the dummy at the Halls of residents, because every other year the WSU have put on the Pool party during the real O’Week, to benefit ALL students. I personally think that having the pool party during the real O’week is a much better approach, as this allows the returning students and the new students to enjoy the sun together! Peace Joe P.S There is no such word as Powhiris, it is just Powhiri. There is no ‘s’ in the Maori language. Thanks.

15



17


Oh god, here we go again…

The Fourth Annual By Josh, Grant, Louise, Vitamin C, with drinking assistance from Kirill.

DISCLAIMER: Every year, elements of the Nexus team go to the dark realm of Hamiltron and review the bars so the fresh fish can get an idea of what bar is most suited to their personality. We should explain before we begin: All reviews are thoroughly biased, according to the mood and inclinations of the writer, the night we visited, whether we got recognised, how drunk we were and whether or not the bouncers smiled at us. The word “I” could refer to any one of us, or a different person entirely. The reviews are our opinion. Some bars place advertising in Nexus. We’ve tried not to let that affect the reviews, but people will insist on inventing conspiracies. No bar mentioned is perfect, and all bars mentioned are worth a visit. If we missed you out, we’re sorry; please invite us to review you and we will at some stage. With that out of the way, let us begin, where we began, at CBD…

CBD We started with CBD because we have a quiz team there that regularly destroys the opposition, and this has won us a decent bar tab.

18

CBD would have you believe it’s modelled after a classic corner pub. What this actually means is that the décor looks like your senile great-grandmother has been let loose on it. Intriguing. CBD is the official bar of the Chiefs, these days. This means that when we visited, the night the Chiefs lost to the Sharks, a whole lot of the place was roped off for the Rugby Gods. Fine, if that’s your thing. We talked to some Canadians who we caught semi-dancing to CBD’s mix of old Top 40/Dance Music Lite. They’d never been out in the Tron before. “It’s good,” said Carl, out with a girl called Monique. “I like the music mix, everyone’s friendly.” Then it occurred to us; he’d said “it’s good.” He hadn’t shouted it. CBD keeps music to a decent volume, enabling you to actually talk. Wonderful. CBD is a classy joint (it’s for over 20’s only, sorry kids) and it’s a good place to sink a few quiets. Kitchen lacks options but they do have the best aoli dip in town. Pros: Low-key kind of place, but still hugely popular. Great quiz. Best aoli.


Cons: Mental décor will put you in mind of your gran’s basement.

Monkeyfeather Our instinct for following loud noises and bright lights led us next to Monkeyfeather, which has moved next to Vic Street Subway and the gay bar. (What happened to you, Shine? Are you open? Are you closed? We don’t know.) Monkeyfeather is both old and new. It used to be the only place you could go for hard dance music. Some bars are offering a bit of competition now, but Monkeyfeather remain purists. The new bar looks wicked, too. Too bad, then, that when we visited they were damn near empty. This might have had something to do with the place reeking of fresh paint. To be fair, when we came back later, it was cranking. Perhaps patrons got high on the fumes. Monkeyfeather offers a good place to dance yourself stupid and observe flashy lights. It’s less maze-like than the old Monkey was, but going to the toilet is still like embarking on interstellar travel. Pros: Does the dance music good. In-built lightshow. Get high off the atmosphere (this will happen less once the paint dries.) Cons: Square, not much there unless it’s full. Nowhere to sit, but that’s not the point, is it?

Bar 101 I’m going to abandon the bar-to-bar narrative here, because I forget the actual order we visited them in at this point, and the notebook, full of indecipherable writing, is zero help. Bar 101 opened last year and is – proudly – Hamilton’s only dedicated student bar. That’s right, you must be a student to get in. It styles itself as a spiritual successor to the muchmissed Hillcrest Tavern, and in this it mostly… succeeds. It’s a Tui bar, has a bunch of (decent) pool tables, a nice dance area and a smokehole outside. Tonnes of Tui merch, everywhere. I hate Tui, but I like Bar 101. It’s clear 101 is one of the Places to Be. It was full of 18 year olds who’d clearly never been in a bar more than a couple of times. Girls danced on stage wearing much less than their mums would like. Boys watched them. The lucky ones did more than watch. The atmosphere was raucous, but thoroughly enjoyable. We hit up a passing group to ask them their opinion. The girls giggled stupidly and flirted

off to the main dance floor, while the boys looked at us, clearly worried they would lose them. “It’s fucking great! 101 and Outback are the best!” shouted one. He checked himself. “Actually, those are the only places we’ve gone, but… yeah!” His mate pulled him after the girls, who had disappeared into a throbbing maw. We looked up; the place had doubled in capacity since we got in. We left them to their (hopefully) enjoyable fates. Pros: Student bar! Cons: Student bar…

Easy Tiger Easy Tiger panders to the elusive professional 20-30 set and it shows. It’s… stylish. Very. Stylish. It’s also very small, but it has a massive cocktails list and the coolest dancefloor I have ever seen. Seriously. It’s like the floor is made out of hallucination. The only one in NZ, apparently. A cool Japanese-ish mural at the back of the bar and a chatty jet-set of hot young things rounds out the picture. Good for its intended audience, or those aspiring to join it.

heat-death we expect the Restaurant at the End of the Universe will be an Outback Inn franchise. For my part, I’m much too old (25, thanks for asking) for the meat market that is the Outback now, but my girlfriend and I were struck with a sudden urge to go there on our second bout of reviewing. This time it was full, the crowd pumped, and we had an awesome nostalgic time dancing to some top 40 song my girl really liked. Then we left, feeling a bit like first-years. Good times. Pros: You know what you’re in for, goes off when it’s good Cons: No new ideas, gets tired once you’ve been around a while.

Sekure/the Loft Two separate bars that kind of run as one. Loft caters to the trance-dance set, and Sekure to the sit-while-drinking-cocktails set. Both are well-appointed bars that can boast some bloody good nights. Both sport a live DJ fairly often and we can testify to his goodness. When we were there it was quiet – and so much the better, really. Sekure is a fine place for relaxing, and the semi-outdoor drinking area lets you sit with a cocktail and watch the human Hood Street traffic go by.

Pros: Bulk cocktails. Excess of style. Cons: It’s not for you, mongrels and munters. You can fuck right off. Which is a pro, actually. It’s also tiny.

Pros: Wonderful drinks, great seating, chatty staff Cons: Music can be a bit relentless.

The Outback

Fat Bellies

We could re-print our old reviews of the Outback and they’d still be bang on. Not much has changed in the mainstay of Hamilton bars, many a first-year’s introduction to the world of vice to be found in the legal drug-dens we call bars. You can dance to top 40 with hundreds of (maybe) like-minded people. You can thrill to the foam-and-other themed parties, which are as reliable as the seasons, once you’ve been here a while. The Outback does what it does, and well. There’s a reason it’s still here. When we first looked into the Outback, it wasn’t that busy, as it was still early. We asked some girls what they thought of the place. One wasn’t a student, and the next two giggled and said something retarded, possibly because they were retarded. We resolved to come back on a better night, and we did. It is partitioned into several sections, all of which crank on a busy night. It’s kind of Western/Aussie themed and we guess this will never change. When the universe undergoes

Okay. I think this bar is inhabited by Reptilian Shapeshifters. When we arrived, a creepy man gawked at us through a domino mask, and an obese guy lolled on the seat behind him, lurking happily at everyone. The crowd roiled to an awful covers band. A girl in the crowd played a game of what I can only describe as “catch the mystery object in the tits,” with the bar staff. What the fuck? While we were there, the band struck up the single worst cover of “This Sex Is On Fire” I have ever heard, creeping out my mate who thought the song was following him from bar to bar. He bolted to the toilets, only to report six seconds later that they were vile. Now, I’ve had some good times in this bar, but this night was not one of them. I advise you to give it a shot, if only to see if the freakshow repeats itself. Pros: It’s not usually like this. I think. I haven’t been in a while. 19



Cons: Uh… it has fat people? Touche? Possibly used by supervillians.

Bahama Hut Ahhh... the old Bahama Hut. I’ve had a love/hate affair with BeeHut since its time in Tauranga, and sure enough it moved to Hamilton not long after I did, to immense success. The new joint opened here with an offensive on the Outback, and a few years later has a strong position on the club circuit, mostly because it’s complementary to the other big venues, which has strengthened the club scene as a whole. The focus here is one giant damned party under one roof, and it reminds me of that old Coruba ad with Dreadlock Holiday playing where the white guy winds up on a big alcoholic party island. Great music for moving your ass to, with a definite lean towards the RnB. It’s also one of the few bigger bars around that still packs out to old school levels, which makes the most of its great design too. Dancefloor at the far end, bar right along the right wall, raised seating on the left. Swing-set in the corner. If every bar in Hamilton is packed full, and you don’t like packed bars, then this is the place to go. They have Vault in stock, which seems to be the first ever actually decent vodka RTD. Sure others were drinkable, en masse even, but at the state I was in I found Vault quite enjoyable. It sounds like an insult to call it Bahama Slut, but actually everyone secretly knows that the awesomely relevant nickname is part of the fun. So everyone go there and tell them that a free magazine sent you! Pros: Party like it’s 1999 and you’re in some vaguely tropical location! Do da Coruba! Cons: Sometimes, there is such a thing as too much party.

Furnace Similar in target market to the Bank. This bar runs as a (bloody good) restaurant during the day – make sure you have the lamb and mint pizza – and a nightclub at, unsurprisingly, night. They’re in a league of their own as a late-night drinksy kind of place, offering up a classy lounge atmosphere with easy, popular music and lots of flame everywhere, to tie into their name. It’s not exactly a student joint, but a certain breed of student will find much to enjoy. Pros: Damn good food Cons: They stop serving it too bloody early!

Rodeo Rodeo Hamilton has a superfluous amount of gimmick bars, and Rodeo Rodeo is right up there. Guess what its gimmick is? Free cowboy hats. I bet you can’t wait to go there now! On our first night, we waited in the queue for all of ten minutes only to realise the bouncer probably wouldn’t let us in, on account of us not having tits, so we left. We came back on the next round, when we were less drunk, and less obnoxious. Result? Still a gimmick bar. The big-screens were playing endless rodeo footage. We didn’t care, everything was generic and cheesy, and there was a creepy buck’s head on the ceiling. Rumoured to pack out with MILFs, but I wouldn’t know about that. Pros: Do you like free plastic cowboy hats? Then you’ll love this place. Cons: Bar is seemingly based around gimmick of free plastic cowboy hats.

Caz Bar It’s a small bar, but it usually gets pretty packed out later at night. However, when we arrived it was almost empty, which is a shame because the patrons were friendly, the band was wicked (they’re called Tim Armstrong, we think, check them out sometime), and the bartender was actually smiling. Huzzah. But seriously, the band was great. Best covers band I’ve heard in a long time.

The Bank I could repeat my review from last time and it would still be exactly right, apart from the fact the exterior has a very nice new paint job, that brings out one of Hamilton’s best buildings nicely. It’s a bar for the slightly older and better-dressed set. Classic tunes set the brass-and-wood décor off nicely. It’s a huge place, and packs out on weekends. That’s all you need to know until the place redecorates in a few months. I look forward to the result. Pros: Ex-bank, friendly bouncers Cons: Can be hard to fill, and if you’re not the target market you’ll know.

Charmers Charmers was packed and raging. Hip hop beats were leaking out into the street like some kind of flood. We were too scared to go in, but if you’re brave enough to, you’re definitely cool enough to be there. Pros: Pumping like a ho, yo Cons: Rather specific target market. If you’re out of place, you’ll realise very quickly.

Cubbyhole This bar cops a bit of flak for being an old people bar, but that’s lies. It actually has a fantastic chillout vibe, friendly staff, and among the best cocktails in town. The front bar gets a bit crowded in the weekends with the older types, but the back bar is always relaxed, with cushy booths and pretty lights and a balcony! It’s 21+ only, so if you’re sick of drunken teenagers and you feel like a decent drink or four, this is the place to go. Pros: Balcony, cocktails Cons: You have to be 21 to get in, and looks a bit like an up-market strip club (in a James Bond kind of way)

Altitude How the heighty have fallen. This bar is an amazing space, with great lighting, good shots, and lots of dance space, but every time we go in lately, it’s practically empty. It takes a lot of people for Altitude to look full. A couple years back, it used to be the ultimate place to go, but it’s a lurching zombie of a place now. With a bit of effort to get bands playing and events happening in here, it could pick up hugely, but the management don’t seem to do much special there. Basically, it’s past its prime, although I wish it wasn’t. It’s an amazing space. The bouncer was kind of hilarious – he only bothered to make conversation with the hot girls. Pros: Great potential Cons: Largely ruined, misplaced potential

21


A bit about bars, from the bar’s point of view: Alcohol is the name given to a group of organic compounds which includes Ethanol, a psychoactive drug which is the world’s most commonly used recreational depressant. For the purposes of this article, ‘Bar’ refers to an establishment recognised by the government and licensed to distribute alcohol for profit, in exchange for fulfilling its social contract to provide a safe place for the use of alcohol, and to minimise its affects on those in the community who choose not to use alcohol. This is enforced by law. Alcohol is used by many people for many reasons, such as: becoming a better dancer, telling funnier jokes, lowering personal standards, reducing sensitivity to pain or temperature, or increasing tolerance of other people. Actually, all or none of these things can happen because studies continually show that alcohol intoxication generally leads to users emulating the particular expectations that their culture has of intoxicated people. If the society teaches that intoxication leads to relaxation and tranquil behaviour, it practically always leads to these outcomes (Psychology Today, 1981). Alcohol works by damaging the receptors of the nerves that transmit signals to your brain cells. Reducing the ability of your brain to communicate reduces the complexity of the brains operation both consciously and subconsciously, leading to slower reflexes, reduced coordination, etc, as well as less access to social and emotional functions, which affects the user depending on their culture. Some western examples include lowered inhibitions, increased aggression, and good times. Which leads to the pursuit of these good times. The law says a bar can’t serve you if you are drunk, right? Actually, a bar can’t serve you if you look drunk. If the trained bartender thinks you are intoxicated. To be more accurate, if the police walked in and saw you holding or being served alcohol, would they raise their eyebrows and would the bar be liable 10k? That’s the process that decides if you are getting any sweet, sweet aqua vitae. The apparently paradoxical laws seem to be in your way, but like many laws they are enforced as a kind of gentlemen’s understanding. Keep your shit together, and you won’t have many problems. Act like a drunken dick, and chances are the bar you are in will not appreciate you drawing attention to the fact that they are playing it on the easy side of the rules. The first question the cops will ask you if you get picked up while obviously intoxicated is which bar you were at last. Of course most people are too drunk to lie. This is the long winded approach to saying it, but nothing else seems to work. Sort your shit out, otherwise you are making it worse for everyone. You wouldn’t believe how hard it can be to open a bar targeted at young people, just because of all the associations with students drinking. The bars are there so that you can have a good time. The people in the Hospo industry love to help people have a good night, and get trashed. They profit from it too, but they do love it, so more often than not they are happy to break the rules to help you out. All you have to do is play along.

Diggers

Why Diggers crams all the people in its tiny front bar and absolutely nobody in its back bar is beyond me. When we dropped in, it was packed and a guy was playing live, but it was so loud that it wasn’t worth sticking around. It wasn’t that awesome bass-pumping party-loud, it was annoying-loud. It seemed to be the hang out for everyone who wanted to avoid O Week and everything it stands for. There was a guy there with a mullet. That is all. Pros: Supports local music through open mic nights, big back bar for functions Cons: Forget about your personal space. It doesn’t exist here.

The Hilly It seems the Hilly has recently realised they actually need a student market and have started hitting up the campus with flyers. No doubt it is difficult to run a student bar next to a police station and irate neighbours, but I wonder if it is too little, too late for this place. Vitamin C swears by the Guitar Hero competition, so I suggest you check that out, but I’m still furious at the way they completely snubbed students while having the temerity to take the legendary Hillcrest Tavern’s nickname in vain. Pros: Finally embracing the student market Cons: Has all the ambience of a hospital ward.

Flow Bar Wonderful. A bar that actually embraces local music. Flow hosted the Mammoth Band Experiments last year to great success. They’ve constantly played host to music both local and national, indie and mass-market, and I wish them nothing but luck. It’s great to see a bar trying on this slightly risky experiment. We didn’t visit them during O’week, but we’ve been there often enough to review it. It has a kind of underground club vibe, possibly because it is an underground club. Keep an eye out for gigs, but it’s absolutely worth visiting even when there’s nothing on. Pros: Live music that isn’t covers! Finally! Cons: There could be more support from the community. Roll up, please! Bonus review by Dr Richard Swainson!

The Londoner This pommy themed Victoria St. watering hole brews a wide range of beers itself. These are easy on the palate, if at around $6 to $9 a pint a bit steep for moderate incomes. The faux English pub decor, middle of the road menu, and biggish sports screen attract punters who are getting on in years but the place has genuine atmosphere. You’ll need tolerance for repeat playing of certain ‘60s and ‘80s albums - The Beatles, Phil Collins and Billy Joel get a fair old work out - yet this is preferable to earlier experiments with crap covers bands. The staff range from the gruff, old school owner, ever putting the world to right with his sage wisdom, to some actual London lads. These chaps are coldly efficient, not a patch on one now sadly departed bar maid, a buxom lass who put it about a bit and claimed to have once shagged Daniel Vettori.


Art Focker

Luna Goodlove

Louise Blackstock

Art Focker, also known as Agony Art and “that guy who laughs at inappropriate times during movies”, is a force to be reckoned with, not unlike burnt toast. He emerged from the mists of Hamilton with a sex drive that cannot be satisfied and an extremely strong right arm. When asked to write on student sexuality and answer their questions, he leapt at the chance to corrupt as many people as possible in as short a time as possible. Thus, Agony Art was born. Almost three years later and students still write to him, demanding to be mocked in the public forum for their major sexual problems. If you write to Agony Art, do not expect any help at all and be prepared to hear some of the dirtiest concepts and word-combinations you’ve ever heard. Like piss-blanket and shitlets. If you don’t know what these are, read Agony Art in 2009 and be educated, nauseated and strangely aroused. Very strangely aroused. Art lives in a house with a woman and a large collection of adult DVDs. He doesn’t have a drug problem, just a drug solution. He isn’t an alcoholic, he’s a drunk. If anyone can smoke more cigarettes in an afternoon than Art, they’ll be dead within the year.

Goodlove by name, great love by reputation… Luna’s crystal ball told her that Waikato University needed her mystic genius, so she left her Nepalese goat farm in the enthusiastic hands of a young Sherpa boy, and hitchhiked her way through Southeast Asia (almost drowning in a rice paddy) before purchasing a cheap Thai Airways flight to New Zealand. She was distracted mid-flight by the sexual aura of a young man in the seat next to her, and promptly renewed her membership of the mile high club. The man turned out to be Denny from Grey’s Anatomy. He vows he will find her again after he does publicity for his new movie, Watchmen. In the meantime, Luna occupies her time with tarot card readings, stilt walking, and learning to levitate. So far she can levitate for two seconds at a time. She enjoys vintage shopping, grape juice, and English history. You may see her around university, but she is a master of disguise and very shy. She hates incense and mashed potato (according to Luna, mashing a potato crushes its spirit). Look forward to her monthly horoscopes, which she vows are entirely accurate and do not favour Leos at all. Really.

Louise writes features and reviews with her original name, but a.k.a.’s as Gertrude in her column Feminine Files, because it’s the coolest name she could think of on short notice. Louise grew up in the nice part of Hawke’s Bay before abandoning it in an elaborate attempt to carve a new life for herself after her Spice Girl tribute band broke up. She proceeded to survive high school in the scary town of Morrinsville (no mean feat), before having a midlife crisis in her first year of university and running away to Europe, where she spent many months and Euros roaming countries and changing her life perspective. She achieved nirvana in Florence when she took her first bite of yogurt-Nutella gelato, and achieved it again in Versailles when she met Le Bel Homme Qui a Vendu Des Crêpes Avec la Confiture de Fraises (The Hot Guy Who Sold Pancakes With Strawberry Jam). She attempted to elope with him, but was defeated in Rome when a man intentionally crashed his car into her. She lived, and proceeded to swear vengeance on all men with vehicles. She herself rides a pink scooter named Penelope Pitstop, which has a turbo attached in case she needs to elude the cops again.

Resident Contributor and Ass Hole

Resident Moonbat

Resident Chief Resident

23


Dr Richard Swainson Resident Cinephile

Dr Swainson has a PhD in Arts, and is old. Methuselah old. He first wrote for “Nexus” around about the time most of you were being weaned. He reviewed a film. This was so long ago that Sharon Stone still had her original breasts. And people knew who Sharon Stone was. He persisted with the reviews for two and a half years until being told to stop. The centuries changed and with them editorial staff. A woman of substance got the top job at the magazine. To promote his new business, she suggested he make a comeback. He called his column “Auteur House Presents...” It profiles film directors.

Blair Munro

Resident Psychopath Fighting Style: Wing Chun Kung Fu Nationality: New Zealander Having crossed a serious line when he made inappropriate comments regarding Steven Seagal, and being ostracised by his peers, Blair retired to the mountain tops, and became alpha male of a mutated wolf pack, following a cunning coup d’etat involving the previous alpha male’s son. With newly found courage, and a group of loyal, lycanthropic lieutenants, he has returned to write for the Nexus, and take revenge upon those who have wronged him. Spending his weekends among his lupine brethren, training for the day when his enemies will fall, and taking note of his thoughts, in the hope the that world will one day laugh with him and not at him, are the only things that sustain him. The King of Iron Fist Tournament 14 awaits...”

Jed Laundry Resident Geek

Jed is a standard nerd. His geekiness appears to trace back to his first year of life when he stumbled across a Walkman, where he proceeded to try to find what magic was inside, instead of the usual smashing it open. He spends his days doing a 3rd year BCMS (Comp Sci) [Networks], a large number of side projects, and a job at a large telecommunications company. He has a very charming Canadian accent, owing to his childhood of being a Canadian, and will install viruses on your computer if you call him American. He was pulled to Nexus in his first year by the need to spawn more geek into the magazine of a university world famous for it’s geekness. He has since developed the Nexus website, and has a plan for a “graph of Hamilton”, to be revealed later this year. And no, he will not fix your computer for free. He is a Torrenting Taurus and has a photo on the previous page:

Emma Swete

Resident Hotness Emma is yet another Doer of Things in the Nexus office. She writes cool articles, and her alter ego Mavis writes the Feminine Files column. Emma’s power of Goodlookingness gets her interviews with cool people like Tiki Tane, and her other power of Beingveryverysmart makes sure these articles are of excellent awesomeness. Emma was born with the ability to hypnotise people, and she puts this to excellent use by belly dancing. With her amazing abilities, James Bond recruited her to be his Bond Girl, but their exploits were far too fantastic to be filmed by any conventional film camera, so you won’t see a movie about them until The Life of Emma comes out in 209. Emma grew up in West Auckland, and yes, she does know Pascalle and they hang out all the time. Once, she even punched Draska in the face. It was amazing.


Pres Sez Tena Koutou Katoa At the time of writing this O-week is almost done and dusted. This year we tried a new format with almost all of the events for students being free, and based a lot of the events around participation. Participation in activities is an important part of your university education. Great times were had by the majority of us with some in the minority feeling a little shady after a few mega nights. Naturally it is only proper to plug the message: stay safe and be safe in all the things you partake in .There are those who shake their head at the minority of incidents that happen in O-week when students take things a little too far. I would like them to remember that a student body is made up of a collective body of individuals who add to the local economy, help drive forward the quest for knowledge and provide the fabric for social cohesion in a future society. So to those of you who participated in the many events of the past two weeks, congrats your involvement helped to build a great vibe around campus and town. In the next few weeks we have a large amount of events coming up from Dodgeball to Hakinakina flowing on to Mash and Uni Games in the Easter break.. With all this on it’s paramount that you keep up your

studies – one of the hardest things I found was to achieve the right balance between work and play. As always, the WSU will be here to help.

Joke time: What did the 1st year get from O-Week ………. Nothing from me (honest) Happy trails whanau Prez

25


If there was a service spotlight this week, this is where it would be. If you imagine this whole section as a Zen koan, it makes much more sense This is where a WSU Director or staff member will write to advise the student body about a service that is provided for members. It will generally be about 130 words. For the first few issues of Nexus we will be using this section to get the staff to introduce themselves and what their role is within the WSU. The WSU staff is often the one consistent thing about your organisation as the President, Vice Presidents and Directors are elected each year by you, the students. This of course means that the staff could spin a good yarn or two about previous Boards but that would be unprofessional and we have the best staff. That is my attempt to ensure that they say nice things about the Vice President (Admin), then again I ran around in O-week in tights/leotard so I’m up for a laugh.

And this is where the Student Questions section would be, if there was one Zen strikes again

Hey you reading this…if you have any questions that you would like to put to the WSU e-mail it through and we will answer it in this column. Alternatively, if you ask a Director a question during the week he/she may write it up in this column as chances are that there is another student wondering the same thing. This also applies to your classes don’t be scared to ask that question as your not going to be the only one who wants clarification or is unsure of what/why something is going on. I’m not going to and say that there is no such thing as stupid questions…trust me there is…I’m often the one asking them. I will however say that it is better to ask that stupid question than just be the person who sits there with no clue, which is Stupid. 26

Directors write about what directors write about Each week two of your Directors will write an interesting article about something recent that is/has been happening that relates to their portfolio. This could be something the government is doing, the University is doing, they are doing, etc. Or it may just be something that they want you the wider student body to know about. It is not a blurb and will generally be about 120 words. To ensure that this is done the Vice President (Admin) puts a roster up in the Directors office so that they are aware of who should be contributing for that week and as he is generally a nice fella he even allows Directors to swap with another Director if they have nothing to write about when it is their week to write. Conversely, if a Director has something important to write about and doesn’t have allocated space for that week they have the ability to seek out a Director who may be willing to give up their space for that week.


Women’s Portfolio Anya Varejchina

Women are beautiful. Whatever age, colour or size they still represent the better, gentler and wiser part of humanity. (Facepalm – Ed.) The purpose of women’s portfolio is to acknowledge, defend and promote women’s rights and social standing. My aim this year will be to increase awareness of the problems women face in the workforce and at home, particularly the wage imbalance and violence against women and start an in-depth discussion of these issues. I would also like to attract attention to the work of a few charities such as the New Zealand Breast Cancer Foundation, Rape Crisis and Thursdays in Black. But most of all I want to inspire women. To make women proud to be women. To reinforce the idea that women and femininity are a sacred, valuable and untapped resource of our society. One that has to be cherished, promoted and utilised for the greater good of all of us. 27


NEXUS IS SHIT! If you disagree with the above statement, Nexus wants you to help keep us awesome. Should you agree with the above statement, Nexus still wants you, to make us non-shitty! We’re looking for contributors of all kinds to sign up and help us produce everyone’s favourite free weekly student magazine. Fill out this form, drop it in to the Nexus offices, and we’ll put you to good use (and if you haven’t already got one, we’ll give you one of those free goodie packs they were handing out in O’week.) Don’t hesitate – join us!

28


Random Stuff

SEND NOTICES TO: nexus@waikato.ac.nz before Wednesday, 5 pm. Placing notices is free for students. We don’t always have much space, so get in quick! Notices cannot be any more than 75 words. We will not accept handwritten or non-electronic notices or dictation over the phone – that’s stone-age shit. If you (somehow) don’t have access to email or a computer, come into the offices and use one of our computers to type up your notice. Ta. Oh, and we hear that personals ads work terrifyingly well, so give that a go as well – fun for everyone involved.

Venturers and Rangers Wanted! Have you had to leave your Venturer/Ranger group to go to Uni? Rovers is the section of Scouting for guys and girls between the ages of 18 to 26. There is a vibrant social network of Rovers throughout NZ just waiting for you to join them in some awesome activities (e.g. mudbash –our national paddock bashing championship). If this sounds like something you would like to be a part of check out our website (www.rovers.org.nz) or get in contact with the local Waikato Rover Crew (Crew Leader Ben can be emailed at bjd12@waikato. ac.nz). An opportunity for emerging illustrators/ designers/artists have the chance to get their work produced and displayed at TheNewDowse - on a large scale! Full details attached, and up at www.newdowse.org. nz/hitthewall - entries due in by 15 March. Belly Dance Classes: Great Fun and Good Exercise! Beginners Classes start 26th March. For more info email nzbellydancer@hotmail. com. OPEN AUDITION NIGHT FOR KEEN YOUNG SINGERS We want fresh voices to join our exceptional singing group. Join Woven; Young Vocal Collective and you’ll be performing music from a wide range of genres, and become part of a creative community infused with artistic energy. Come along to our audition evening 7-9pm on Thursday March 5th at St Pauls Collegiate Music room to have a sing and find out more about Woven. You will learn a song and sing together with everyone and in smaller groups. Come along prepared to have fun and show us your skills. Email for directions, more info or to show your interest, otherwise see you on the night. e. wovenvocal@gmail.com p. 854 7933 (Brooke) Vodafone HOMEGROWN ticket, Wellington waterfront March 14th. General admission. Similar tickets selling on Trade Me. $140 for a no fuss, quick sale. 0273218025. Hillcrest.

STUDY PILLS For study or recreation. Keep you alert, fight fatigue. Safe. 10 for $10 021 106 7670 027 715 8819 Cane of Punishment. Busty, sexy 25 y.o duo. available for partys. $50 1/2 an hour. www. myspace.com/caneofpunishment Hey yo. Looking to work with up and coming mc’s. If you’re interested in hiphop and want some original breaks to work with give me an email alp25@waikato.ac.nz or text 027 340 9264. If you just want the music and nothin to do with me that’s alright too I can make beats to your tailor. Email if you want samples of my work.

Flats and Mates Hello! We are auditioning flatmates who are cool enough to live in our house. Could our new flatmate be YOU? If you pass our Awesome Test, we will admit you to our house. The house pass will be valid 24/7. You can even bring friends to visit. Your room will be the Fantastic Creamy Middle of an Awesome Oasis from the Sheer Horror that is Living in Hamilton. Are you sexy enough to come and live with us? I sure hope so. The house has heating, a fridge, and walls. It’s on Bankwood St, which is not in the Bermuda Triangle (yay!). Rent is $90 a week (negotiable). Call Jamie on 021 910944. CALL US TODAY and you might get something free! VEGE/VEGAN FLATMATE WANTED! To live in cool house in Claudelands.2 rooms available. One $60, one $50. Both fit queen bed and drawers etc. $60 one a bit bigger (obviously).Must be awesome and mature. To live with 2 girls and guy in 20’s. Contact Leah 0273841140 Available 17th March Room for rent Great room in great house for rent. Large and sunny, close to uni, rent $90 each per week includes utilities. Need a couple to rent room. Ph/txt Hannah on 027 375 8128

29


BOGANOLOGY author: Burton C Bogan

AGONY ART author: Art

ROACH CLASS

The Ring of Power

If you’ve met me you’ll know I’m a very simple guy – and simple minded. I am the king of low maintenance. Some may even use the term “white trash”. Now I’ve used this term to describe myself personally and I love the song by Steriogram but I tend to avoid the term white trash to describe Bogans as a community cause we’re not all Pakeha or European

Dear Agony Art Me and my girlfriend have been seeing each other for a few years and I feel that our sex life has started to die off. What can I do to spice it up? Buffalo Puck

(depending on what label you use). Check out music DVDs if you think I’m wrong – huge Metal scenes in Japan for instance. Metal music and the Metal lifestyle is global. Live at Budokai - intensity in ten cities. So I prefer to use Dimebag’s term of Roach Class. But what is Roach Class, exactly? Well, I hate using myself as an example but I like to think that I’m Roach Class. Even my blood type is the most common (O) – common blood for a common man. Take for instance the house I flat in. The corner of it is severely charred after my flatmate tried to take out a wasp nest with an aerosol can and a lighter and set the house on fire – Roach Class. When cooking “Italian food” (i.e. spaghetti bolognaise) I prefer using 2 minute noodles instead of flash pasta because I think it tastes better – Roach Class. I have two pairs of black jeans. One is faded for “everyday wear” (it’s also the same pair I wore in school about 15 years ago) and a non-faded pair is for “formal occasions” – Roach Class. So after this charming description – you all want to be Roach Class too. You know you do. However, like all groups Roach Class has a language all of its own and so I’ll give you a hand on how to “fit in”: Zactlys: When your arm pits smell the same as your ass (as in exactly). Blacktooth Grin - An alcoholic beverage created by late Pantera guitarist Dimebag Darrel. It is Whiskey with a splash of Coke. The drink is named after a line in the Megadeth song “Sweating Bullets.” Can also be used to describe what it looks like when someone smiles and has rotten teeth. Trailer cereal – “Off brand” cereal that comes in those big bags that look like dog food or kitty litter. Beer BQ – Basically a piss-up with BBQ food. Crate Day – is a great day. Each person brings their own crate and you have to consume the whole thing by the end of the night. Many a crate day has been held with me and my mates. Carnage always ensues as you dig your own pool in the lawn (done that) or proceed to wrestle in the front yard.

Dear Buffalo Puck There are almost an unlimited number of ways you can spice up your sex life, regardless of how long you have been going out. These ways start with light dress-up games and end with you crying in the toilet while the girlfriend rinses off her foot-long strap-on in the other room. Most of these ways, the ones in the comfortable middle ground where nothing goes up your dirt-plug, involve sex toys and a little bit of imagination. You should never wait until your sex life is boring before you ‘spice it up’. Within the first dozen humps of a relationship, you should be doing something a little crazy, even if it’s just to send out feelers to see what you can expect. The best place to start is with oral. If you’re going down on your girl and you convince her to get a sex toy inside while you do so, you’ve just unlocked a door which leads to a wondrous, perverted place. I don’t know why, it’s just how it is. If you’re shy about buying your first sex toy, I recommend you start with a condom. Now, you may be thinking, a condom isn’t that much of a sex toy. In fact, it’s an item designed to stop pleasure. Of course, it also stops the transmission of pregnancy germs and most diseases, but it also strangles the dick, lessens your sensation and totally destroys most of your chances at performing successful money shot (the king of all finishing moves). However, if you’re not terribly worried about babies, AIDS or dick strangling, here’s what you do. Cut the end off the condom so you’re left with the latex equivalent of a leg warmer, only it’s for your Johnson. Get it on, just as you would a normal condom, only keep it all rolled up around the base of your steak shaft. Congratulations. You’ve got a cock ring on. This will turn your meat-pencil into a throbbing ICBM, ready to lay waste to whatever you wish. It’s not battery powered, so it’s not officially a sex toy, but it’s a start. Next week I’ll give you some tips on things that go buzz in the night Haere ra, my dirty friend. Agony Art

Fly the friendly skies. Fly Roach Class. Send your hideous questions to agonyart@nexusmag.co.nz!

30


SARCOPHAGUS REX author: Blair Munro

THE NERDARY

Antonia Prebble now has a restraining order on Blair Munro

So, a little more technical detail on nexusmag.co.nz. As you will know, it’s built on Drupal. Which is awesome, as it saved me a lot of time I usually reserve for bug hunting. But, being a prepackaged solution, it also took me a bit longer to figure out how to do things. So this week, y’all are lucky because I’m going to do a brief run-through of what makes the Nexus website tick, in the hopes that someone out there realises that I know what I’m talking about and contracts me to build another website. Hint hint.

Welcome to Blair Munro’s Guide to Understanding Human Communication. Females all across campus are gasping, shocked at the terrible irony. A male, talking about communication? Not on my property! Get off my lawn! And so on and so forth. Seriously though, this one is for the ladies, and fellas, listen too. I write this in a futile attempt to clue the people of Hamilton in on what I consider to be the essential basics of communication. That is to say, non-verbal communication. Guns down, guys, I’m not going to and reveal some sort of guy-language (not that there is one or anything, no way), I’m just trying to make sure that we can all get our messages across, clearly, quickly, and without that terrible, high pitched, fire-alarm sound that resonates through the bowels of every man on the planet, i.e. nagging. So, let’s get started, shall we? Non-verbal communication is subtle, but effective. A simple eyebrow raise, a slight nod of the head, a half-wink, or squint, can reveal screeds of information, all that is needed to know about a given situation. I’ll give you a perfect example. True story, I was up in Auckland, in April of last year, walking out of The Classic basement, having just seen a very funny comedian’s act. Who should I see sitting outside but Antonia Prebble (otherwise known as Loretta, from Outrageous Fortune)? I looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and nodded my head downwards. She replied by raising both eyebrows, and nodding upwards. I smiled, and nodded upwards as well. No words were spoken, but we were both in perfect understanding of what had happened. I will translate this exchange, for those who aren’t quite clued up. Munro: Doing alright? Prebble: Yeah, thanks very much. You? Munro: Not bad. Nice talking to you. The actual meaning of gestures differs between people, so be sure you know what it is you are saying. The raising of both eyebrows, or flashing, to a friend often means “Hey, mate, what’s up?” To a chimpanzee, the same gesture is a challenge for dominance, and results in you being torn limb from limb, screaming in terror, blood spurting from ragged wounds, as bones crack, and the primate urinates on your desecrated vessel.

author: Jed Laundry

For the backend, probably the most important is the Workflow module, which will let contributors write directly to the website (reducing copy+pasta time), but doesn’t publish content until it’s been inspected by the Ed. It also integrates nicely with the Views module. Also, although CVS sucks, it’s still 10 times better than using tar.gz files to upload and upgrade modules. As for content, first off is Content Creation Kit (or CCK as it’s more commonly known). While the title and body for each article are provided by Drupal, the subtitle, byline, and thumbnail/image (if any) are custom fields. And CCK is rarely without Views, which render the /news, /columns, /reviews and /features pages. Although in theory I could have used it to render the homepage as well, I instead opted to create a new template file instead, for one very good reason; not having to screw around with positioning. The front page is probably the most deviant from a “standard” Drupal install. The front page is its own content type, which has 9 Node References, which just link to whichever articles the Ed think deserve to be on the front page. From then, Drupal renders it using nodehomepage.tpl.php (note homepage is the content type name), which just calls node_load() on each of the node references. This hits the database a further 63 (9*7) times doing it this way, resulting in a total 156 queries to load the homepage. A lot of developers would get all itchy at this stage, but those forget that as this is the homepage it gets cached heavily and only changes weekly, so when combined with a server (provided by the awesome people at Lightwire!) with a lot of RAM used for caching the homepage still renders in less than 50ms. It’s actually more intensive to render the articles, which can’t be cached as aggressively due to ever-updating comments. So, ya. Will work for bandwidth.

31


F

The eminine Files With Mavis and Gertrude

Hello! We are your handy dandy guides to being a girl in Hamilton. We’ve been girls for a while now, and we’ve lived in Hamilton even longer. Plus we’re super hot, so you can trust us! This week we’re providing an escape from Supre and Glassons, and showing you where to get real fashion. There are three main shopping areas in town: the city centre, Westfield Chartwell, and The

The first thing you put on in the morning is your panties! Find sexy ones at the Bendon outlet stores at the Base and on Riverlea Rd, and Farmers is worth a look for cheaper brands like Antz Pantz. Awesome shoes can be found at the Overland outlet at DressSmart. You’ll pay the same price as you would at No. 1 Shoes, but they’ll last way longer. To keep your shoes lasting, re-heel and re-sole if you need to. Any cobbler in town will do it for about 15 clams. In Garden Place, you can find Trendz and Silver Surfers, and around the corner on Worley Place are Texas Radio and Spot X. You can find

Base, which is in Te Rapa. In the city centre you’ll find Centreplace and Downtown Plaza, as well as the surrounding streets with fancy, lesser known stores. Westfield Chartwell is another mall, exactly the same as the other Westfields. The Base contains DressSmart, the outlet stores, and a few chains like General Issue and North Beach. Being a student is sucky, because you have no pennies in your purse. That’s why we’ve scoped out some cheap places to get decent threads.

some really unique gears here, and their sales will keep your wallet happy. Petite girls should check out Urban Angel in Centreplace, because although it’s mostly a teen store, there’s some really nice options for kiddie prices! Dotti on Ward St also worth a look, because the range is constantly changing. Good sale rack too! Best jeans for tallies can be found at Ness on Alexandra St. Shorties can check out Jeans West, who hem them for $9. Some awesome designers include Ness, Moochi (on Ward

So you’ve enrolled at uni, eh?

So here’s a few heads-ups for being a first year; 1. Do go to the balloons festival; it’s pretty much one of the few cool things H’ton has to offer. Hamilton City will even shout you breakfast! 2. Don’t study something you don’t like. Don’t spend years getting little letters beside your name that they don’t enjoy using or will never get a job with because you’re just not interested….Do what you like. 3. Do take advantage of the free healthcare. Us kiwis have a ‘she’ll be right’ attitude but guys, seriously; it’s free. And it’s pretty much at your doorstep; student health centre by Gate 1 carpark. 4. Don’t drink so much you hurt the people you care about most…including yourself. 5. Do dance at “Furnace”; it’s a little more grown up and has less horny 18 year olds looking at your boobs… and the music rocks! 6. Do intentionally make friends! Those ‘lifelong friendships you make at uni’ don’t just magically appear and fall into your lap. You’ll

“Don’t screw up, don’t’ screw up, don’t screw up….” That’s what I was thinking when I first stepped onto uni turf. At 17, on provisional entry, with all my friends back at high school I was not only scared I didn’t ‘have it in me’ to study at this level, but scared I wouldn’t make friends….scared of tripping up the library stairs, scared of wearing the wrong pants and scared I would say the wrong thing to the wrong person or even worse; the wrong thing to the right people… Don’t worry, you’ll get over it! You’ll get over yourself and realise one of three things; either you’ll realise; A. That they’re all just as scared and selfconscious as you. B. You’ll see the futility in caring about what they think. C…You’ll realise you’re taking yourself way too seriously! 32

This week: Fashion in Hamilton. St), Kimberley’s (Vic St), Shine (Centreplace), and we now have Witchery! It’s right by Kimberley’s. For those too lazy to go shopping, check out websites like mrvintage.co.nz (Kiwiana shirts), torpedo7.co.nz (reduced exercise gear), threadless.com (t-shirts again), trademe.co.nz (everything, provided you spend a lot of time looking), and asos.com (UK styles. We’re one season behind, so their sales are at the start of our season!). Voluptuous laydeez can check out citychiconline.com, which stocks sizes 14-24 that are way nicer than the usual plus size crap in chain stores than doesn’t even fit properly. To close, don’t trust any store with “fashion” or “designer” in the title. If they actually are these things, they don’t have to tell you. And no matter how well you dress, if you have bad posture you’ll look like crap. So stand tall and sit straight!

Next time: op shops!

only get out what you put in so stop sitting up in your room playing Guitar Hero and get out there! (I made some of my best friends playing Guitar Hero – Ed) 7. Do photocopy old exam papers. They’ll give you a great ‘big picture’ of the key ideas that the paper is all about… 8. Do try a rev class at the Rec centre; It’ll kill your thighs but it’s worth it! 9. Do take advantage of the random assortment of clubs that do free sausage sizzles…usually at the banks by the lake or out the front of S block… 10. Don’t get so focused on grades that you miss out on the other stuff… Life will go on. And just so you know; you probably will trip up the library steps at some stage, say the wrong thing to the wrong person and it’s more than likely it’ll take time to make good mates but you’ll get over it. Comments? Questions? Email me at djlollee@gmail.com


VITAMIN C author: vitamin C

YOUR PHYSICAL EDUCATION In which Kirill does a Booboo

Now in new orange flavour.

Guess who done a booboo. Did you guess me? Please note, it doesn’t count as guessing me if you were merely trying to picture how handsome I am. Well, it was me. What did I do? Well, I was very unorganized and forgot to actually plan my column out with Uleisure. I also was rather late to submit this column. What does that mean for you? Nothing. What does that mean for me? I will be punished via spanking by all the sexy Nexus

If I can’t catch your attention in any other way than to tell you how to live for cheap around Uni then I’ll do it. You can bulk-buy where there is a Warehouse, Liquor Store, Butcher, and Green-grocer (isn’t that awesome?) like 5 minutes away. Also there is a place where you can get a much better roast than you bums can cook. It’s the easiest way to bulk buy. Which is the easiest way to save. Some budding young econ students I know worked it out once. University will do that to you. You start applying your degree to your life. People start associating you with your profession. You always try to give carefully worded responses to psychologists, which inevitably leads to the old slip (….snap). It’s great to give a really friendly response when a girl you’ve met on the way up her driveway says she’s studying Psychology or Sociology, and then just mess with her research/professional knowledge. If you are new to Hamilton, this could be of use to you because you’ll need something to read until you get better at ignoring Hamilton. After a few weeks you’ll be able to walk around, throw a ball, or maybe even interact while maintaining your concentration on ignoring it. You’ll be drunk, it helps. And focusing on your studies can work, I’ve seen it work. This place is not actually that bad, but I can bitch about it to anyone who’ll listen. You might even get insulted just for living in Hamilton; that’s putting the boot in a bit but you get over that (or you’ll tell your mother that she lives there too, bitch, and that when you are 16 you are moving out.) There’s also V8’s coming soon… it’s a break from routine at least, a few good nights out at best. Being situated at a prime trading spot along the Mighty Waikato River, Hamilton has access to vast stores of the finest imported coffee beans from countries afar. This explains the ratio of ‘Caffeine’ to ‘Other’ in retail space, which can be good if you are someone who goes for coffee regularly. For those of you in new flats with your mates, the teaching recess isn’t actually that far away so that might be a good time to think about arming those emotional time-bombs you scored for free in O-Week. Also, don’t get too worried about money when it comes to living. I’m not going to go into that, but I’d rather have a sweet place to live that to worry about my exact share of things. Besides, with all that money changing hands, no-one remembers who’s fucking who, and the foreign guy playing the pimp finds himself demanding his money. Become friends with an international student. There’re a whole lot of them and they’re great. Try everything twice. Enter every suspiciouslooking door. Buy plastic bags at Pak’n’Save and let them blow around the car-park. Those are all my suggestions for living for cheap around Uni. Next week: How to become a disco critic.

people and super fit gym and sports people. Awesome. Since I have nothing organized yet, I will tell you about something that you should look into this week. Courses and classes! – and I don’t mean those good-for-nothing things you attend during the day, no. I mean the groovy things you can attend at the gym. Unlike uni courses, which make you chubby (I’m looking at you Comp Sci), or anti-social (Math) or fairly useless at life (Come on, we’re all thinking Communications), gym courses are filled with people who actually want to be there, are enjoying themselves and so (hopefully) are you. So let’s kick this out and list what you can do. Firstly, Kickboxing (see what I done there?). The name might give this away – it’s kickboxing. Although with a certain fitness twist. And all you girly men, don’t worry, chances are no one will kick you in the face, unless you are a terrible person. Yoga also exists. We all know what yoga is, and let’s face it, we could all benefit from it. For those who have never done it before, don’t worry, this is taken into account (god I hope so, because I want to start it). Pilates. We have all see the Windsor Pilates commercials on TV. We have all seen the benefits of it. We have all seen that it is endorsed by many out-of-work actors. We didn’t want to see it. But what we do want to see is how sleek, slim and sexy you will look after doing this course for six weeks (Well, I know I do). Hip Hop. How often have you stumbled into a breakdance battle in town, faced defeat, and lost the attention of your “special friend” or “significant other”? I know for me it is a weekly occurrence. That’s why I will do this class and be prepared. BREAK YOURSELF FOOL (I wonder if there is a lingo class, too?) Ceroc Dance. I stumbled into this class once, years ago, without paying (don’t tell, please). Let me just say it is if swing dance, meeting cool people and fun were to have a baby, it would be called Ceroc. Swiss Ball. This is fitness for people who like balls (nah, jokes, dirty). I haven’t done this course. But, I did use a Swiss ball as an office chair for a while. I want to do this course and get an incredibly strong and healthy back, it will be awesome. Hopefully something here interested you. Hopefully I’ll see you at a class. Hopefully we hit it off. Hopefully we catch up after… wait, what? Sorry. 33


34


I thought I might put the notion to the test and conduct a year by year appraisal of the awards. This is a comparatively easy task at Auteur House, which stocks most previous Best Picture winners and many of the contenders besides (plug! plug!)

Auteur House Presents author: Dr Richard Swainson

Despair at the suggestion that “Slumdog Millionaire” is really the best movie of 2008 has led me to reflect on the history of the Academy Awards. It’s a truism that the finest film seldom wins the top gong. I thought I might put the notion to the test and conduct a year by year appraisal of the awards. This is a comparatively easy task at Auteur House, which stocks most previous Best Picture winners and many of the contenders besides (plug! plug!).

A Subjective Survey of the Academy Awards “Ordinary People” beat the best film of the 1980’s, “Raging Bull”. A decade later Bull’s Martin Scorsese was again undone by another actor turned director, Kevin Costner, when “Dances With Wolves” triumphed over his gangster epic “Goodfellas”. Four years after that “Forrest Gump” overcame all sense and reason to rob Quentin Tarantino’s “Pulp Fiction”.

My survey specifically deals only with American films. The Academy rarely treats non-English language or otherwise ‘foreign’ movies as eligible for their top award so it makes sense to likewise exclude them.

Of course, as all loyal New Zealanders know, the best film of 1994 wasn’t “Pulp Fiction”, either. It was “Heavenly Creatures”. Peter Jackson’s break through feature was not even nominated. If we include all such instances where the Academy cannot even be relied upon to shortlist excellence, it opens another can of worms.

Even with the riches of world cinema taken out of the equation I would argue that there have only been seven occasions in eighty one years when the Best Picture Award went indisputably to the finest film: 1930’s “All Quiet on the Western Front”; 1943’s “Casablanca”; 1972’s “The Godfather”; 1974’s “The Godfather, Part II”; 1975’s “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”; 1992’s “Unforgiven” and 2003’s “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King”.

Consider the following list: “Sunrise”, “City Lights”, “Modern Times”, “The Big Sleep”, “Singin’ in the Rain”, “The Searchers”, “Vertigo”, “Touch of Evil”, “Some Like it Hot”, “Psycho” and “2001: A Space Odyssey”. These movies are pretty much cornerstones of the American cinema. None of them were nominated for Best Picture.

The absolute worst decisions are always a matter of perspective. Notoriously, the greatest film of them all, “Citizen Kane”, lost out to John Ford’s “How Green Was Valley”. This is objectively an awful decision but at least Ford’s movie is a classic in its own right. In some ways worse was what happened a year later when “Mrs Miniver”, a sentimental piece of home front propaganda, bested “The Magnificent Ambersons”. In more recent times three results have assumed legendary proportions. Robert Redford’s fine if comparatively conventional family drama

All of which hopefully puts the “Slumdog Millionaire” success story into appropriate context. It’s the worst decision since 2005’s “Crash” beat “Brokeback Mountain”, but the tradition goes right back to 1927 when “Wings” took the inaugural award and “Sunrise” failed to gain nomination. The full survey can be found at: http://auteurhouse.com/blog/2009/02/24/a-subjective-survey-of-theacademy-awards/

35


Directed by Zack Snyder

Watchmen is a story about super heroes in the same way that The Godfather is a story about family. Set in an alternate 1980s, the film follows superhero-turned-vigilante Rorschach as he investigates the murder of an old colleague. As he follows the trail to justice we gradually meet his retired colleagues and the world they live in; an America plunging into despair as it ties itself to the path of mutual nuclear destruction with soviet Russia. If you were unaware, Watchmen was originally a graphic novel produced in the ‘80s. It is widely considered to be a monumental achievement, even among “regular” literature, for its challenging take on aspects of America and the world in general. A lot of this made the transition to cinema, but certainly not all. At the end of the day you’ve only got three hours to chew through the characters - who they are, what they are trying to do, and what they doing – so the brushstrokes are broader, but this doesn’t filter the effect of re-evaluating the characters from various perspectives and sympathies and watching the puzzle pieces match up. Technically, everything’s up to par for a movie budgeted to blow your mind. The sound was gorgeous: super heroes punching people, things being broken and enormous glass sculptures collapsing all come through 36

exactly as you’d imagine. I thought the music was masterfully realised from references in the novel, and the in-house work nailed the mood well. As for cinematography, there’s the whole shot-for-shot thing happening a-la 300 so it looks suitably like the material, but there seemed to be indecision between recreation and adaptation. This isn’t inherently a bad thing, because a lot of the perfectly recreated moments are fantastic and fun, but sometimes it seemed like I was watching Watchmen: The Comic: The Movie, as opposed to some sublimely realised adapted sequences, which really felt like Watchmen: The Movie. There appeared to be a fear of moving the camera around in case it might offend purists, but this would also have reduced some rigidity and clutter. It feels like the movie could have benefited from more bravery in a lot of areas, but I really can’t fault Snyder for playing it safe in these dark days of rabid fandom. There is no substitute for Watchmen as it was intended to be consumed, but the film isn’t meant to be one. While it ultimately doesn’t quite cut as deep as the book does, it’s a sharp, sincere look at something that quite frankly a lot of people should look at.


The Player By Antony Parnell We are two months in to the New Year, and already there has been several promising titles arriving in our disc trays. Halo Wars and Killzone 2 have the console fanboys foaming at the mouth and with Resident Evil 5 around the corner there is quite the electronic buffet to feast on. Leading the big name releases this year is the long awaited Street Fighter 4. I have never been one of the Street Fighter hardcore. My previous experiences with it are relatively limited; I haven’t played every Street Fighter 3 ‘Turbo DX Hyper Higgs Boson’ edition and I’m really not ashamed to admit that. Almost as if the omission of ridiculous suffixes from the games name suggests, Street Fighter 4 brings the series back to a simpler time. If Capcom’s goal was to make an entry that is appealing to a new breed of players, they have succeeded. Seen in HD, SF 4 is visually stunning. The character art and gameplay graphics are very pretty, with many small touches bringing the whole thing together. When executing an ultra combo, the camera freezes showing the look of realistic intensity on the fighters face. On the soon to be victims face, we see their eyes bulging, and their jaw dropping. It’s the attention to detail that really impresses. A small grin on Ken’s face before he Shinryukens you into oblivion, or a psychotic look on M.Bison’s as he stomps you into the sidewalk, you can’t help but smile when you see that go down.

I’ll tell you now: this is an awesome comic series. In terms of popularity, it’s the Harry Potter of comics. I’m not a huge reader of graphic novels, but the Scott Pilgrim series is one of the funniest, sweetest stories ever. The basic line of the books is that Scott Pilgrim, a loveable - if selfabsorbed - slacker musician, has to defeat his new girlfriend Ramona’s seven evil ex-boyfriends before he can date her. Scott has epic Nintendoinspired fights against these evil exes and the series is filled with video game references and in-jokes. It’s bizarre, but combined with the incredibly realistic characters and dialogue, it totally works. There’s even a movie based on it being released next year, starring Michael Cera of Juno fame. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Universe is number 5 in the series (the final volume is released early next year), and is the best volume by far. The story gets significantly darker, with relationships and characters going through serious tests. Scott moves out of the flat he shared with his gay friend Wallace and moves in with Ramona. Teenaged Knives Chau continues her seduction of every member of Sex Bob-omb (Scott’s band), and Stephen Stills and Julie break up for the 50th time. Kim’s new flatmates

As far as I’m concerned, the hallmark of a good fighting game is one where the fights have a great flow. Street Fighter 4 delivers this in spades. The controls are responsive, easy to pick up but with a good level of depth. A lot of the depth comes from a new feature, focus attacks. These work by allowing your character to absorb a hit from your opponent, then retaliate with a devastating counter. However they leave you very vulnerable, so timing is critical. Furthermore the focus can be cancelled which makes for a lot of baiting and faking, not unlike a real fight. My one big complaint is the final boss, Seth. For some reason, fighting game bosses are always made difficult by giving them stupidly cheap moves and programming them to do them non stop. Seth is an embodiment of this boss design formula. His attack list is a composite of other characters attacks, but made worse. And boy does he like to show them off. I don’t know why fighting games can’t get this right. I can’t think of one boss who doesn’t just spam bullshit attacks. Whether you’re a Street Fighter hardcore or you don’t know what a Hadouken is, this is a game that deserves at least a rent. Even just to check out the visuals. Street Fighter 4 is a great release to start the year, here’s hoping it’s a sign of things to come. PS: Shinnok from Mortal Kombat 4 was a great boss fight. Too bad he looked like a clown.

aren’t really working out, and Sex Bob-omb is STILL recording. Scott’s already difficult life is worsened with the arrival of Ramona’s twin evil ex-boyfriends with their evil robots. The fighting has moved to the background (literally) and this gives the supporting characters (like my favourite, the awesomely anti-everything Kim Pine) more development. For newbies to graphic novels, it’s really easy to follow, and the art isn’t too complex or wanky. It’s a cartoonish style with touches of anime, but expresses a lot of emotion in each character’s face without crowding the art with superfluous extras. O’Malley’s drawings get better with every volume. To conclude, track this series down. Right now. It’s funny, clever, realistic, and the art is fantastic. You won’t regret it. Scott Pilgrim is published by Oni Press and the entire series can be found at Mark One Comics, Victoria Street, Hamilton. Make sure you read it before the movie directed by “Shaun of the Dead” Edgar Wright comes out and you’ll be able to tell all your friends that you were into it when it was just a comic!

37


Listings courtesy of Mammoth (mammothguide.co.nz) and Hamilton Community Arts Council

GIG GUIDE Artists, musicians, and gig-promoters of all kinds! Promote your band or event in the Nexus Gig Guide in association with Mammoth, Hamilton’s premiere event listing guide! Simply email gigs@nexusmag.co.nz and make sure you CC to events@mammothmedia.co.nz! Knights of the the DUB Table and guests DJ Jamin-I and Second Chapter Friday 13th at FLOW 266 Vic Street $10 door charge. THE SEPTEMBERS @ Diggers Bar 17b Hood St HAMILTON CENTRAL Saturday March 14, doors open 9pm

38

CACUS INFLAMED @ Flow 270 Victoria St HAMILTON CENTRAL Saturday March 14, doors open 10pm

THE LOOKIE LOOS @ Flow 270 Victoria St HAMILTON CENTRAL Saturday March 21, doors open 9pm

CORNERSTONE ROOTS @ Flow 270 Victoria St HAMILTON CENTRAL Friday March 20, doors open 9pm

The Hamilton Fringe Festival (IGNITION) is proud to launch its website new in 2009 www. hamiltonfringe.com keep an eye on the festival from here.




Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.