issue 4 by Nexus Magazine

31 MARCH 2008

so too will KiwiSaver. From 1 April 2008, if you’re 18 or over and you’re a KiwiSaver member, your employer will start contributing to your KiwiSaver account too. They’ll begin by paying 1% of what you earn to your KiwiSaver scheme, increasing this by 1% each year to reach a maximum of 4% from 1 April 2011. Your employer will get a tax credit from the government to help them meet the cost of these contributions. KiwiSaver is the easy way to save for your future. It’s voluntary and easy to join. You can ask your employer for an information pack, or contact a KiwiSaver scheme provider directly. Then you just have to choose whether you’d like to save 4 or 8% of your earnings, and your employer will deduct this from your wages. Or, as long as you both agree to it, your employer can help you reach the minimum 4% contribution until 2012. Easy. Visit www.kiwisaver.govt.nz for details Call 0800 KIWISAVER (0800 549 472) Mon–Fri 8am-8pm, Sat 9am-1pm KiwiSaver. Making easy work of saving.

TTT 8048

Terms and conditions apply

Karnage Kolumn Party Reviews with your friendly booze-hound, AJ

Pasqua. Un tempo di crocifiggere, la risurrezione e l’erezione ripetutamente. Easter. A time of crucifying, resurrection and erection again and again. I really do love Easter, not only do you get a five day weekend, but you get the mission of sourcing a weekend full of binge. You have to ration, scam, or just buy shit-load of booze for the Jesus period. If you are smart enough and the local Indian dairy owner is dodgy enough you can purchase the beloved fluid on the ‘Goodest Friday’ and the ‘Eastest Sunday’ when you are not supposed to. Any who, onwards and upwards to the goings-on of the Karnage Krew for the break. Thursday was the start of the mayhem with the 1st Chip n’ Putt Major of the year, the Easter Invitational. In an epic finish, Hugh won by a single shot on the last to take the title but the afternoon will be remembered for Arius missing a 3-foot putt on the last for birdie, he couldn’t get it in and gave up. (Wasn’t the only time over the course of the night, was it Arius?) On the way back we detoured to McDonalds to do the ‘Happy Meal Challenge’, which involves downing a Happy Meal in under a minute (burger, chips, and drink…not the toy!). With much noise and unattractiveness only 2 successfully completed the challenge, too easy aye Richo. Friday was road trip time; a few carloads of troops headed over to the Maunganui Mountain and cruised to the beach. A few white whales later and Maia’s dramatics impressing some Brazilian birds, we headed back for a barbie at Mai’s and a free titty show, only drawback was that she was 6 and they weren’t developed yet…better to call her an AXA (investment for the future). The darkness bought some naked funnels on the road to the disgust of the locals, and trying to hot-wire the digger that was parked in the front yard of the ‘Shrine at 109’, due to renovations (see below). Easter Sunday progressed with a bit of Singstar and mass orgy on the driveway but finished with a couple of wrist-watches, hamburgers, Eiffel towers, bag of cherries, and ‘man-ginas’, I think the last one gives it away guys and girls. Easter Monday was filled with some dodgy decisions, both in BYC and accepting party pills for the lunch break, Fabian learned the hard way the full effects of pills on a not so full stomach. I had to make a mention of something that happened down in Christchurch when I was down at a 21st a week or two ago. It was Nick’s 21st and his mate Chris made the colossal mistake of taking home his little sister…bad move, the next day Nick went down to the beach and physically caught 3 seagulls and put them in Chris’ room when he wasn’t home…Oh deary me, what a mess! Justice. That’s all for now folks, Autobots, Transform and roll out! Decepticons, Eat Shit!

ISSUE 04

Does whoever writes this thing use a real Magic 8 Ball? Reply hazy, try again (We try again) Outlook not so good – see? Only a real Magic 8 Ball gives you answers this pointless. Was having St Patrick’s day on a Monday a really bad idea? Most likely – oh yeah. Whoever scheduled the Irish feast day for a Monday was a sadistic bastard. How did a Saint’s day get turned into a global piss-up, anyway? The Irish: Causing pain, interminable independence movements, shitty faux-accents, ironic celebrations, kneecappings and hangovers since before the Middle Ages. Fiddle dee

Last week’s competition came up with such excellent entries that the dictionary ran out of superlatives to describe them. After building a time machine to cope with the flood of entries, this turned out to be our favourite.

dee. Potatoes. Was last week’s editorial annoyingly high-minded, political, and downright boring? Signs point to yes – you’re damn right it was. We’re not sorry. An unwritten law of journalism states that there must be at least one such editorial a year (and, if you’re the Waikato Times;, every damn day.) This week’s is better, though. We promise. It’s all fantasy and stuff.

“Tame Iti really mellowed out in later years” Congratulations, John Rapana! Come up to the Nexus offices to receive your whatever it is we’re giving out this week. Here’s the runner-up, which we liked as well.

Who writes the 8 Ball column anyway? They’ve got a really great sense of humour. (Yes, this was an actual question.) Don’t count on it – don’t count on what? You stupid black plastic piece of shit. The 8-ball is too dumb to tell you that the person who writes this column is

“Fuck, I’m sure that was a girl last night” – Will Munro

Is there going to be a Depression? As I see it yes – but not the kind you think. The Olympics are going to kick off a string of losses in Kiwi sport, which will see the nation plunge into a wave of mass suicides. John Kirwan will be working overtime to reassure Kiwi men that it’s okay to cry because the All Blacks lost, but not for any other reason. Is Jesus the reason for the Easter season? Outlook not so good – religion is on the decline, unless you live in West Africa or a country whose name ends in –stan. For this reason, Easter is rapidly becoming all about chocolate, eggs and rabbits. Ironically, before those meddling Christians hijacked it, Easter was a fertility festival in honour of the goddess Eostre. Rabbits = fertility, get it? These days it’s more about eating too much than about shagging, so they’ll soon change the name of the festival to Obeseter. If a girl accepts a request to go out on a date, and then does, and then you have sex, is it a good sign? Without a doubt – the 8 Ball knows a good sign when it sees one. In this case, it is a good sign that you will soon be married, with children and old age ensuring that your budding sex life quickly goes down the gurgler and fetches up in a cesspool of saggy breasts, saggy genitalia, and mid-life crises. Live life while you can.

ISSUE 04

Come up with a caption and send it in to nexus@waikato.ac.nz with “caption” in the subject line. OR you can txt your entry to 021 235 8436 – make sure you include your name! If you win, the entire University will read your entry, and there will be tears of laughter and joy. The Vice-Chancellor will love your entry so much he will abolish student fees and allow homeless students to crash at his pad. He’ll also become a regular and popular figure at drum n’bass nights and Mardi Gras. He’ll have too much fun to be Vice-Chancellor, so he’ll ask you to do it in his stead. Winners will receive a mystery prize of some kind! If you’re lucky, it will be alcoholic! (People opposed to drinking can opt for a free Bible, personally autographed by Jesus Christ.*) *Lies.

1. What’s your fantasy? 2. Who would win in a fight – Gandalf, Luke Skywalker, or Batman? 3. Do you read/watch any fantasy stuff? 4. What monster lives in the Uni Lakes? 5. Who’s the hottest? Orlando Bloom (Legolas,) Elijah Wood (Frodo,) Viggo Mortensen (Aragorn,) or Ian McKellen (Gandalf)?

1. Animals can talk 2. Luke Skywalker. He’s got youth on his side. 3. Yes. Sexual stuff. 4. A giant, black shag. 5. Ian McKellen

1. (Taken at random from the girls’ fantasies:) Going to Egypt and having a hot lunch date while being fed grapes by an exotic boy. 2. Gandalf. (Sherri says: “Who’s Gandalf?” Others: “You’re kidding.”) 3. Harry Potter? 4. Pollution 5. Aragorn’s hot for an older guy. If you like that kind of thing

1. That everyone rides motorcycles 2. Batman. Gotham City rules! 3. Of course. Alice in Wonderland 4. Loch Ness 5. Orlando Bloom’s got it sussed

1. To go to a pub where there’s really old, oiled men who work the docks. I’m drinking a pink milkshake out of a twirly straw. 2. Yup. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings 3. Loch Ness 4. Orlando Bloom

1. Sex in a wetsuit 2. Gandalf 3. Yeah bo. Heaps of anime. I’m down for whatever 4. Jemma 5. Orlando Bloom. Because he blooms. His name sounds like a flower. Mm.

Nexus Issue 04 31 March 2008

Features 19 Making Sense of the US Election Olivia Miles walks us through the US election process

22 The Fantasy Cartographer Nexus talks to bestselling fantasy author (and University of Waikato lecturer) Russell Kirkpatrick

New Stuff

Check out the Big Picture on page 38 and the Lectern on page 40 – guest columnists with all new, thought-provoking comment

CREDITS Editor: Joshua Drummond (nexus@waikato.ac.nz) Design:Talia Kingi (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz) Advertising: Tony Arkell (admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz/ 021 176 6180) Assistant to the Editor: Andrew Neal (news@nexus-npl.co.nz) Music Ed: Carl Watkins (toezee@gmail.com)

Contributors 8 Ball, AJ, Vitamin C, WSU, Special K, Carl Watkins, Burton C. Bogan, Fergus Hodgson,William Jennings, Olivia Miles, Jed Laundry, Dr Richard Swainson, Joseph Ross, Josh, Andrew, Talia, Matt, Petra Jane, Mammoth, HCAC, Flash Medallion, Google, Wikipedia, and big ups to Russell Kirkpatrick. I’ll hook you up with that Radiodread CD.

VISIT US ONLINE (once we set the website up) at nexusmag.co.nz AND myspace. com/nexusmagazine

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Because it gets Josh free trips to Wellington, w00t

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, OR EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THE LETTERS. THEIR EXCUSE IS THAT THEY WERE STONED AT THE TIME

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS? EMAIL nexus@waikato.ac.nz OR admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz OR call 07 838 4653 OR 021 176 6180

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton, the City of Right Now

PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: nexus@waikato.ac.nz POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

News 8 – 14

Regulars and Randoms 03 Party Review/Karnage Kolumn

04 Magic 8 Ball 04 Caption Competition 05 Low Five 06 Contents 07 Editorial 13 The Nexus Haiku News 14 The Directorate 15 Lettuce 18 Poetree 24 Centrefold 29 WSU Guff 33 Notices 34 Flash Medallion’s Puzzle Page of Desire 35 Sports Thoughts 35 Sarcophagus Rex 36 A River Runs Through It 36 Essence of Awesome 37 Fortress of Knowledge 38 Big Picture 39 Boganology 101 39 The Nerdary 40 The Lectern 41 Phat Controller 41 Agony Art 42 Book Review 42 Cafe Review 43 Moving Pictures 43 Film Review 44 Citric 45 DVD’s 46 Gig Guide 47 Busted

News issue 04

Scholarship withdrawal leaves student up “tough shit” creek No paddle offered Andrew Neal

TeachNZ has reneged on their pledge to provide a scholarship, says Waikato University student John Rylie. Rylie signed up to receive a TeachNZ scholarship in 2006, in which he would receive $10,000 towards his studying costs in his second year of study. When Rylie signed up to claim his scholarship this year TeachNZ said that it no longer needed English teachers and thus, he was no longer eligible for the scholarship.

“The Government reviews the highest teaching needs regularly and in 2008 all the scholarships for teacher were remodelled into a new single, flexible scholarship to make teaching a more accessible and attractive career,” says Iain Butler, Senior Media Adviser for Ministry of Education.

who could possibly experience problems with student loans.

“The remodelled scholarship means that recipients of existing teacher scholarships

But Butler contends that the scholarships programme has been improved. “The Teacher

and allowance will not have their terms and conditions changed.” Butler continues.

Recruitment Scholarships are designed to increase the number of teachers of highest need,” he said.

“They basically told me tough shit really,” he says.

Students who have already received part of their scholarship will continue to do so regardless of their profession.

At the time of signing up English teachers were in demand and Rylie’s English and teaching degree made him a definite candidate.

A lot of students signed up in 2006 and 2007, according to Rylie, including approximately sixty or seventy at the University of Waikato

Venezuelan diplomat Nelson Davila’s open forum on Wednesday March 19 educated many in the ways of South American politics and saw some “excellent questions” asked downstairs in the WSU building. “I am on a diplomatic mission to clarify what happens in our country, and I need to do this because there are a lot of profound changes,” he explained at the opening of his forum.

ISSUE 04

“They’re on TV telling everyone how great they are for giving these scholarships, but they didn’t give a bloody word about the withdrawal,” says Riley.

In 2008 these are chemistry, home economics, maths, physics, technology, Te Reo Maori, Maori Medium, Early Childhood and Rural teachers.

A large part of Davila’s speech was dedicated to explaining how the Venezuelan Government is using money from petroleum and making profound changes for the general population. “We are creating a human economy to help human beings so they won’t be a product of a market where everything has a price,” he said. Davila had to speak through a translator but did attempt to speak in English at some points during his time. Questions came from many present and ranged from the incoherent ramblings of one student (even after the crowd was asked to keep the questions short for easy translation) to one political science student who asked all his questions in Spanish. Davila also spoke about the world’s perception of Venezuela and how this has been skewed by opposition-owned media companies and western countries because of Hugo Chavez’s Government’s refusal to enter a liberal economic plan. Trade with countries such as Cuba, Argentina and others in South America Davila also sighted as causing misconceptions about Venezuela. “This is a revolution of ideas, yes, there are socialist elements but this is a new vision, our vision, not Cuban or Soviet ideas,” he replied when asked if there are elements of the Government that wanted a shift to a Soviet-style Communist Government. Davila urged the crowd to explore these issues for themselves and look at as many sources as possible when learning about the country. Tour manager Grant Morgan also spoke about the creation of Venezuelan solidarity movement within New Zealand. Venezuela provides 15% of the United States’ oil consumption. Hugo Chavez’s government has been in power since 1999 and has had two democratic elections.

March 31 2008

Arts “attacked,” say lecturers Andrew Neal

University of Waikato screen and media lecturers have shown opposition to the proposed closure of film studies departments at Victoria and Canterbury Universities.

The non-integration of both Universities’ film studies departments into the media studies departments at both Canterbury and Victoria is viewed as a problem by some lecturers, and a possible cause for their closures.

The proposals, based on performance reviews, have been labelled an “attack on the arts,” by New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations.

Waikato University’s Screen and Media Studies department is not under threat according to its lecturers and other academic staff due to its large student numbers and high level of research which saw it rated as the number one department of its kind in the country.

Screen and Media lecturers at Waikato University have shown their support to lecturers at Canterbury and Victoria through MediaNZ, which is a collective of media studies lecturers around New Zealand. “God knows what they’re thinking, it’s a major step back,” says Associate Professor of Screen and Media Studies, Geoff Lealand. The abruptness of the announcement of the closures is one of the biggest areas of contention for the departments and unions alike - but both Universities are only in the first stages of the review process. “We have grave concerns over the lack of process and transparency surrounding these proposals, and believe they are incredibly shortsighted and unjustifiable,” says Liz Hawkes, co-president of NZUSA.

Other arts department at Waikato are not under threat, according to Dean of Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences Dan Zirker. Students gathered to protest at Victoria University on March 5 where they visited Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh’s office and declared the proposed closures “bullshit” according to Salient magazine. “Students should have a say in the creation of courses,” Victoria University of Wellington Student Association President Joel Cosgrave told Salient.

Angry (?) Japanese (?) People Hit Things: Nexus Wets Pants By Art Focker and Josh Drummond

Wednesday resulted in several cultural groups getting very cross at a crowd of about 287 people for Waikato University’s Race Relations Day and FASStival. That’s right, they called it the FASStival. Japanese/Asian students were well represented with the banging of drums, courtesy of Dr Ken McNeil and his WaiTaiko drummers. Nexus noticed that Dr McNeil had gained a robot leg at some point over the summer and was internally battling for control of his soul with said robot leg.

There was a plethora (it means cornucopia) of food to be tasted, including some kind of Chinese candy named ‘White Rabbit’. It looked like heroin and tasted like death, if death tasted like a Mintie made with salt instead of sugar. Editor Josh stared at his for ten minutes before he eventually freaked right the fuck out and threw it into the crowd. It did however seem like the different cultural groups stuck to their own foodstuffs. Nexus ate Lamingtons and ANZAC biscuits. Yum.

Robot Relations …. Ahem… Race Relations day is a remembrance of the Sharpeville shooting in South Africa on March the 21st, 1960, which resulted in the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination being signed by New Zealand in 1966.

The drummers were followed by the Maori Culture Brigade, who Pukana’d our faces off, before the Cook Island Association (the C.I.A?) danced their sexy, sexy dances and Nexus departed, forthwith, to ‘write the news’ if you know what I mean.

ISSUE 04

News issue 04

“There’s been some guys playing on the fields and then a lecturer from management jumped on board, and a few students,” he says.

Ultimate Frisbee is gaining so much popularity on campus that two teams may be sent to compete at the Uni Games this year. The idea for a team came from some people playing on the university fields, according to organiser Rowan Humphries.

Humphries describes the game as being like a non-contact version of American Football, but with a Frisbee. “Basically there’s two ends and you keep going until you drop it,” says Humphries.

The scholarship, which is a New Zealand first, offers up to $10,000 per year to support research developing the knowledge of victims’ issues and services. The scholarship is named after the late Dave Smith, a police chief inspector, Victim’s Task Force member and Victim Support board member, who died in 2004. The study of victimology, which the scholarship is aimed at improving, is cross-disciplinary and can range through a wide number of fields including law, psychology, social work, sociology. 10

ISSUE 04

“I just love tossing the frizz,” he says. Humphries team meets every Monday and Friday at 5.30pm at the tree line of the University field for practise. Anyone who wants to join the team can text message the organisers on 0276344146.

When the Frisbee is dropped it is handed over to the other team.

Waikato tertiary students combine work and study as more students seek part time employment, says Student Job Search. “There has been an increase in online student registrations for 2008 compared to last year and a strong interest for part time work” says Jill Wainwright, National Operations Manager for Student Job Search. The Student Job Search website has been particularly busy in the month of February with the website traffic showing up to 100,000 page impressions on its busiest days. The online traffic makes the SJS website the 4th largest employment website in New Zealand, and the biggest student job website.

Victim Support has recently launched a new scholarship with the goal of advancing research into victims’ issues.

Players say there is a lot of reasons for playing the game including fun factor, fitness, but is best explained by player Andrew James.

Many students are wishing to minimise borrowings through obtaining part time work through Student Job Search. “Further enhancements of the Student Job Search website have resulted in increasing numbers of employers using the SJS website, www.sjs. co.nz for listing there job requirements,” says Wainwright. “More jobs are needed with the increasing demand, particularly in the part time arena. Ideally students are looking for around 10 to 15 hours per week while they study,” she continued. Student Job Search provides a free service to both employers and students with the not-for profit organisation being owned by Students Associations and funded via Government through StudyLink.

“This is an exciting time for victims’ issues in New Zealand as the scholarship opens up the opportunity for our country and our organisation to be at the forefront of new research in this area,” says Victim Support acting chief executive Heather Verry. The idea for the scholarship was formed after working closely with Dave Smith’s wife and has the aim of improving research that will advance evidence-based practice. “The research specific to victims in our country is limited and we rely on good research to guide our policies and practices,” Verry continues. “Quality studies like these help ensure that our services reflect the needs of victims in New

Zealand and are consistent with what research shows is important in the field of trauma and victimology,” says Verry The scholarship is open to postgraduate students, research institutes and organisations that work with victims. Chief Inspector Smith is described as a tireless researcher with a deep commitment to achieving justice and better outcomes for victims. Victim Support is currently working with university researchers to study suicide bereavement and the impact of sudden death on families and Victim Support workers.

March 31 2008

Concert goers at this year’s World of Music and Dance (WOMAD) festival were treated to the usual blend of International flavour, this year with an Eastern European edge and fantastic weather. WOMAD, held March 14 to 16 in New Plymouth, was baked in sunshine and saw a capacity crowd fill up the 55 acre park and garden venue to see, hear and taste experiences from all over the world.

“To be up-front, I didn’t go to see too many NZ acts, - and the reason is simple; I live in NZ and can see them some time again, and there was so much going on that you simply couldn’t be everywhere at once,” says one reveler of his experience. Of the New Zealand acts The Wellington International Ukelele Orchestra were a big hit with the crowd and The Village of The Idiots and Jess Chambers & the Firefly Orchestra were crowd pleasers also.

Standout acts this year included Taraf de Haidouks (Romanian Gypsies), the Terem Quartet (Russian traditional folk music exponents), the Titi Robin Quintet (French Gypsy/Moroccan fusion ensemble), and Beirut (USA Balkan-inspired folk/pop ensemble). There were also a lot of 60s and 70s-evoking acts such as Mavis Staples, Sarah Jones and the Dap-Kings and Midge Marsden to provide contrast also. Plenty of New Zealand acts also performed but some attending skipped these for acts with a stronger international flavour.

HUFF Italy

What was described as a “real gem of a small stage performance” by one spectator, came on the second day with a jam session between the lead violinists and bassist of Taraf de Haidouks with Titi Robin and his bassist. “It was the essence of Gypsy virtuosity,” chirruped one concert-goer. As always, there was the African strand at WOMAD, Farafina, Toumani Diabate, and Pedson Kasume were front-runners in this area. WOMAD is an international festival created by Peter Gabriel and Thomas Brooman 24 years ago. Since then 21 countries have hosted the festival and entertained millions of festival goers.

By Emit Snake-Beings The Italian-flavoured Hamilton Underground film festival (HUFF) presented a collection of locally made short films, made in collaboration with Hamilton’s Italian community and shown at the Waikato Museum of Art and History last Thursday. “A fiery blooded culture combined with the passion of Hamilton’s independent filmmakers, a perfect coupling,” museum curator Steve Chappell explained of the collaboration in a short speech before the screening. A packed audience of italio-philes, DIY filmmakers, resident and visiting Italians, as well as a splattering of curious members of the public, sat through a selection of sometimes extremely experimental film and video. Of the 9 submitted films it was ‘intervallo nella vita’ (interval from life) by Flavio Moghini and Maggotism International which won the first prize of $100.

‘Intervallo’ was a collection of Super-8 snippets woven together with a voice over narration written by Flavio, which depicted the plight of the immigrant recently arrived in New Zealand; a seemingly universal theme for many recent arrivals of an unfamiliar language and the loss of cultural identity. But not all of the films were so subversive; a picturesque dissolving image of various faces filled the next screen with the sound of traditional Italian opera. This was ‘Missing’ by Wintec lecturer David Gardener which ended with a long list of names of people who had disappeared in Italy amidst suspicious circumstances; a chilling concept which won second prize offered by Hamilton’s Italian-born councillor Joe Demieo. Third prize went to ‘Petroleum Relic’ an obscure film in which Italian-speaking monks worshipped a bottle containing the worlds last

drops of petrol, wearing long robes of ripped plastic, which had become a sacred material since the oil crash. At one point a booming voice in a thick Italian accent hailed the words “Money, I want money back…” sending a nervous giggle through the back row of filmmakers. One standout film entitled ‘‘DIO COLPEVOLE’ or God-Guilty made by Hamiltonian Chuberts Mith, an entranced audience sat through 4 minutes 22 seconds of a looped 16mm film depicting a Christian missionary explaining the creation of guilt on a blackboard. The decay of the loop of film slowly became apparent until the missionary and his words of guilt burnt up in a splattering of distorted sound and ripped sprockets, causing the lamp of the projector bulb to burn through the image melting the film. All present agreed it was arty as hell. ISSUE 04

News issue 04

Liston Crescent house inhabited by corpse Students asked to help move body – no, really

Police spoke to the students and other neighbours at around 10am. Shortly afterwards multiple officers and cars arrived, leading the students to think there had been a drug bust at the property.

By Andrew Neal A flat of Waikato University students were shocked to learn that a house they believed to be abandoned was actually inhabited by a two-week old corpse. Residents watched as the owner of the Liston Crescent property was taken out of the house in a body bag on Thursday March 13 while neighbours looked on through their curtains. “It’s very sad that he died without anyone finding him,” says one resident, who asked not to be named.

“We were like, what? A guy lives there?” one said, when asked if they knew of the man’s whereabouts by Police. The dead man was described as somewhat eccentric, leading one exneighbour to think he was actually homeless and squatting in the house. The Police found justification for entry to the house and discovered the body in the hallway. While the body was being removed one police officer allegedly asked two residents if they wanted to grab some rubber gloves and help move the body. They declined.

The body of the elderly man was discovered by police after a househunting couple approached the property and noticed a bad smell and flies. A coroner’s report states the man died of natural causes.

One resident of the neighbouring flat, Roger Haddock, was attending class at the time but says “I would have taken him up on it.” The property where the man was found has been dishevelled, with long grass and broken windows, for quite some time. Apparently, waste and rubbish littered the house and it was discovered later that there was no power or water connected at the property. The man’s next of kin have been informed and overgrown grass surrounding the house has since been mowed.

LAST CHANCE!

Slain student to be published

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ISSUE 04

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The economics research undertaken by slain Otago University student Sophie Elliott prior to her death is to be published in the University’s departmental magazine and an online Oxford University economics journal. Elliott, who had completed a first-class honours degree in economics last year, was killed at her Dunedin home on January 9 – days before she was due to begin a job at the Treasury in Wellington. Clayton Weatherston, a research fellow in the economics department at Otago University, has been charged with her murder. In her honours dissertation, Elliott analysed the characteristics of New Zealand beneficiaries. “[Elliott] shone academically [and] she was truly engaged with learning for its own sake. She wanted to understand more deeply and was keen to debate the big issues,” EcoNZ editor Winchester said. A tree was planted and plaque was unveiled on-campus in Elliott’s memory following a memorial at the University on March 7

March 31 2008

East Hamilton Police Burglary Report 17th - 24th March 2008 Over the past week 24 homes have been broken into in East Hamilton, their locations are indicated on the above map. 10 of these homes are where University Students live. This has increased more than last week because residents have been away for the Easter weekend. Community Constable Nick Sickelmore said that offenders are still interested in electrical goods. With residents being away, burglars have had the luxury of picking vacant homes and taking their time whilst inside. Burglars are smashing or jemming bedroom windows or, breaking the window locks. Laptop computers, digital cameras and cash that is lying around, are still being taken.

Security Advise: Please lock all of your windows, please don’t leave them open thinking that the window locks will work. These locks can be cut using bolt cutters. Information on how to protect your home is available from the East Hamilton Community Policing Centre on Clyde St. If you have any information that might help Police with these burglaries please call the University Constable, Nick Sickelmore Nicholas. Sickelmore@police.govt.nz

Haiku News

By Drummond-san NZ stocks: Market follows offshore moves lower We told you so The Depression is coming Off your head you will blow Lack of sleep can turn beauty into the beast We already knew that Witness the 4am girls In the Outback Tourist assaulted in same spot Dutch visitors attacked

You’d just plain need balls To go anywhere near Cursed Haruru Falls Man’s thumb hacked off in machete attack Man hacks off thumb In devastating attack Victim hacked off also Copper wire thieves putting lives at risk

Pilot loses wheel mid flight “Help me out, double! “Wheel have us a problem! I’m wheel-y in trouble!” Man tells police ‘I’ve been raped by a wombat’ “Durr, a Wombat done raped me,” Police don’t buy Into man’s fantasy

(Background: Waikato morons are stealing live power cables – proof, as if we needed any, that we are truly the Home of the Stupid.)

We don’t need the Electric Chair – these kind of thieves Of themselves take care

(Haruru Falls in Northland, if you need to know)

ISSUE 04

This week’s meeting of the WSU Directors was a bit more surreal than usual, mainly because everyone had gotten their Nexuses early and was reading the Directorate column. That, and being cooped up in the Bomb Shelter with slightly nervy-looking Directors made Nexus think it might be trapped in a time machine of some kind. While Nexus typed pure wit in lieu of actual notes into its MacBook, the Minutes were passed and accepted. Jeffery Hawks arrived late, looking slightly smug. Perhaps it was because, this time, he was entirely free of the influence of alcohol. Items were moved about the agenda. Nexus investigated the possibility of watching an “Avatar: The Last Airbender” DVD accidentally left in the laptop, but opted not to, because the Directorate might all end up watching it over Nexus’ shoulder. Whetu talked about the Uni Games banner. This was, by and large, entirely sleep-worthy. Nexus read Nexus. Time looped and swirled. Nexus’ laptop went to sleep. It was a sign. There was a whoosh-y flash of white light. Nexus was suddenly in Law and Societies 101, talking to its newest friend, a guy called Jim. It dropped the third- person narrative, for convenience. “Jesus, are you alright?” Jim asked. I blinked. “Sorry, man. I had a hard night last night.” “On Monday? You need to cut back. Do they drink 24 hours a day in Student Village?” I rubbed my eyes. “Pretty much. I just had the weirdest deja-vu.” “What?” asked Jim 14

ISSUE 04

“I kind of imagined I was sitting in a bomb shelter, watching a bunch of strangers debate something. I don’t know what.” “Okay. That’s about as weird as normal, for you. Have you started that assignment yet?” “No. Hang on. What day did you say it was?” “It’s Tuesday. Apparently you’ve taken up Monday-drinking,” said Jim. He had zits and no facial hair, which is the opposite of normal, for him. “That’s strange,” I said. “I thought it was Monday.” Then there was a whoosh noise and a flash of white light and Nexus was back in the bunker, in the third person again. Whetu had left. Nexus looked around surreptitiously. Judging by the looks on the Director’s faces, not much had happened. They were still talking about the Uni Games. Then the Teaching and Learning Development Unit came up. Whoosh. Flash. “What are we going to do about you constantly handing in late assignments?” asked the woman from TLDU. She was heavy, and friendly, and American. “Your tutors are getting… restive.” “Uh. What?” I asked. “See, that’s part of the problem. You don’t pay attention. You’re always away with the fairies.” She pronounced it fay-rees. “I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s like, I’m having flash-forwards to my job, four years in the future.” “And are you a rich and successful junior partner in a prestigious law firm?” she asked, coyly. “No,” I said, scrunching up my eyes and concentrating. “I think I’m a… a glorified secretary of some kind. But I have an awesome computer.”

Whoosh. Flash. Moira finished up her report, (mentioning in the course of it the Uni’s Saudi Arabia junket, which is presumably designed so the Uni can figure out how to better violate human rights) and it was duly accepted. Olivia began her report. There was a lot of throat-clearing and coughing from various Directors, prompting Nexus to wonder if they’d wholesale taken up smoking. There’s a thing happening, something to do with Women on Campus. Alumni office activities have moved towards the University Foundation. There were no questions for Olivia. David West presented his report, and mentioned that the Uni would be closed over Easter. Apparently Jesus’ death and resurrection prevents us from learning as well as buying things. Tracey then spoke about $10 Billion Dollar Day, to “celebrate” student debt. Her ideas include “having a big box with 10 billion written on it, a soup kitchen, and giving out condoms.” The latter is because the WSU wish to spread the message: “Don’t get anyone pregnant because you won’t be able to afford it.” Jeffery Hawks said: “Gallows. Let’s have a gallows. Gallows get people’s attention.” Then someone mentioned doing a kind of “social experiment,” involving asking MPs to survive on $150 per week. Apparently David Bennett is interested. This actually sounded awesome, assuming they can get MPs to sign up and actually do it. Then the awesomeness came to an abrupt end with Committees. Whoosh. Flash.

Nexus found itself in the Nexus office. The date on the Wallplanner said 2004. The former Nexus Editor, Dawn, looked at Nexus, concerned. “Are you alright?” she asked. “You haven’t taken up smoking heaps of weed lately, have you?” “Not that I remember,” I said. “I think I just having a really intense deja-vu.” Dawn looked sceptical. “Riiiight. Memories of the future? Or did they just change something in the Matrix?” “Something like that,” I said. “I think – I think I’m the Nexus editor. In the future.” “Whoa,” Dawn said. “That’s intense. Are you thinking of sticking around here for a while?” I laughed. “No way! I’ll be out of Hamilton as soon as I graduate.” I thought for a moment. “Well, I think I will be, anyway.” Dawn grinned. “I don’t know how you’d handle being Editor, anyway,” she said. “You’d have to go to WSU meetings, and not just make stuff up to fill in gaps. It wouldn’t be easy.” “Whatever,” I said. “I’m pretty sure I could handle it fine.” Whoosh. Flash. Oh God. The Directors were still talking about the need to fill some places on come committees. Chaplaincy was one. Nexus’ Board of Directors is the other. Hushed voices discussed this. Nexus wondered when the meeting would go into Committee of the Whole so it could leave and visit an approved mental health professional about the disturbing visions it had been having lately. Then the meeting did go into Committee of the Whole, and on that bombshell, Nexus left.

Txts to the Editor! Nexus now has an TXT-in service! Send Letters to the Editor - via text - to 021 235 8436. They can be about anything – but if it’s something in the magazine, so much the better. We’ll print the best ones, so get texting! There’s a prize for text of the week as well. We don’t know what it is yet, but it will be awesome. What the hell. We’ll just give you a CD. Don’t forget: You can send Busted pictures in by pxt! Send us your best snaps of you or your mates in Busted-type situations to 021 235 8436. Do it.

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be kept under 250 words and be received by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be) but if it’s a serious letter we’d prefer you to use your real name. Send letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

Mr Safety Bigglesworth missed Dear Editor, My neighbours have just been burgled and i was reminded of the time i was also burgled some months back. As a student at Waikato myself and neighbours are just some of many victims of burglary around Hamilton, in fact i’m sure there aren’t many people who haven’t either been burgled or at least know someone who has. I don’t know if you have ever addressed this issue in the past but i feel if we work together we can reduce these thefts. For example my neighbours have just had 3 laptops stolen, a few months back i had an unusual and very expensive guitar stolen ($3000). Someone at the University must come across these items or know someone who is selling these stolen goods. At the very best we The Triumphant Return of Kahu! THINGS TO PONDER: Once again a fan has remembered who I am and even if it is a wind up atleast someone had something to say. Well I suppose everyone is now settled back in for the toil ahead and I see Nexus is still asking the same old questions about O - Week. However are they the right ones, should Nexus have asked if the final nite was a success because I heard WSU had to give

can warn students of newly stolen items and not to buy them and report those trying to sell them.This could be put in a stolen section giving details of stolen goods. I am aware that a lot of students probably buy a cheap laptop from a mate of a mate, now they may take an educated guess and think it was at some point stolen but it’s easy to ignore this thought, unless of course it was in the latest nexus mag, this is too much to ignore for most people, and they arre then knowingly delaing with stolen goods. As well as this we can of course offer advice to stop burglaries. State or someone would sponsor this section I’m sure and encourage home contents insurance which unfortunately non of us get until we have first been burgled.

Anyway hope you can come up with something for a section such as this, you are one of the most direct voices to the students. Daniel

the tickets away because no student wanted to pay for it. Perhaps another good question to ask is whether Te Whakahiapo and Te Ranga Ngaku have settled their collective problems of nonreporting of students money back to WSU. Worth pondering I wonder after all who cares that it is part of your money which you have to compulsorily pay to WSU. Perhaps the O-Week budget should be visited to see how money was actually spent - I don’t

know what do you guys say. Given the current economic strain on your students should not WSU be bringing the current political parties onto campus to answer to students. Everything has gone up over the couple of years and yet student allowance is still the same afterall are not WSU the students political arm and should not Nexus be looking at this instead of the Cuban Odyssey mmmm.... Kahu

We’re on it. Last year we had Mr Safety Bigglesworth on a semi-weekly basis, whose job was bitching and warning about crime in all its many guises. This year we have the actual Campus Constable, Nick Sicklemore, doing his thing in the News pages. They’re also starting up a service to mark goods in ultra-violet to make them easier to recover – see Security up in B-Block for details. Thanks for your thoughts, and who knows – we may even drag Mr Safety Bigglesworth out of retirement one of these days – Ed

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $20 BOOK VOUCHER FROM BENNETTS WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP!

PH 07 856 6813

FAX 07 856 2255

ADDRESS Gate 5 Hillcrest Road

WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

EMAIL wku@bennetts.co.nz ISSUE 04

Poo Smell again, again Dear Nexus I think that the cause of the poop smell at uni is caused entirely by ducks. We should hunt down all of the ducks by night (when they hang upside down from trees and await the sunrise) and have a massive BBQ. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not sure what BBQ duck would taste like, but I guarantee itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be a whole lot better than smelling shit every day of your degree. I reckon we get a hunting party together ASAP, before itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s too late! Elmer Saudi junket sucks Dear the Nexus Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m pretty curious about the university sending a team over to Saudi Arabia to investigate networking possibilities. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t they know that Saudi Arabia has one of the worst human rights records on Earth, with woman being excluded from voting, torture of prisoners and execution being the penalty for pretty much

everything? I mean, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s bad enough that I saw some Saudi boys yelling at an Asian student

To all the Student Unionists who are wailing and howling in protest at my broad, sweeping

for wearing a short skirt, but for our university to willingly jump into bed with a dreadful and oppressive state for the sake of a few bucks is beyond belief. Will a Waikato satellite campus in Saudi Arabia exclude female students? Will Muslim women still be permitted to attend our university in New Zealand, or will they get locked out as part of the deal? I have no problem when Saudiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s come here (provided they follow our social rules), but we shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t help them oppress women by funding education for men only in Saudi Arabia. Yours sincerely Sally Focker

generalisation about students being mindless vandal munters, I remind you that the Management jock wankers and their dickhead hangers-on who are doing this, all think you are geeks. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s beyond me why youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d defend them.

Smash happy wankers to be smashed Dear Ed. This is an open letter to the wankers who break bottles around the university area. When I catch you, I am going to punch your head(s) in.

How do I know itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the Management rugby wankers walking home from the Outback doing the bottle smashing? Because itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not that long ago I was at Waikato and saw the cocks in question doing it first hand. If the entry bar to university wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so absurdly low and it wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so piss easy to get a degree, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d all be lucky to get a job cleaning up the glass you smash on Clyde Street. Wankers. Kind regards, Craig Brown.

There is a primary school nearby and kids are getting cut feet walking through your broken glass. You are fuckwits.

4/4!, 6)3)/. /04/-%42)343

It sounds BAD Jeremy paid $50 for a beat-up old stereo from a secondhand shop. The shopkeeper told him it goes, but she didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know how well. The sound quality is poor. Can he take it back? The University branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other hassles you might have. They have heaps of pamphlets and a huge data base to help answer anyoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s questions. Visit them at the Cowshed from 1pm â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 3pm daily during semesters or phone 838 4466 extn 6622 or 0800 FORCAB. Actually Jeremy can ask for his money back, but the shopkeeper is under no obligation to refund the money. She could argue that, bearing in mind what she told him at the time of sale, plus the age, condition and price paid, it was of â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;acceptable qualityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; under the Consumer Guarantees Act.

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&2%% %9% 3#2%%.).' %6%29 7%$.%3$!9 &2/- 0- 4/ 04(% -%%4).' 2//345$%.4 5.)/. "5),$).' 5.)6%23)49 /& 7!)+!4/ 4OTAL 6ISION /PTOMETRISTS 'REY 3TREET (AMILTON %AST 0H &AX TOTALVISION VISIQUE CO NZ

WHERE IS THE LOVE? there is an underlying issue that needs to be brought to everyones attention. people going to town with the intention of getting their fuckon are constantly being letdown. in my mind, there is only one thing causing it. a breakdown in communication between the sexs. its time that girls are reminded of the golden rule. Men are always keen, the only thing stopping them is the inability to sense which woman wants it at any given time. if we are to be successful in our quest for unity, we need to set down some groundrules; techniques that are more successful than the ones currently in play. a action or sign that gives the targeted member of the opposite sex the message, so they know what you want. Guys have been trying this for years, but i think its time that the ladies do some ground work - afterall, this techinque will work alot better when used by a female - baring in mind that guys are ready for sex anytime of the day or night. and not so much for girls. studies have shown that 3/5 girls go to town with the intention of finding a sexual partner, and that only 1 will be successful. To me this is unacceptable. lets work together to make this easier on everyone involved. im all about helping the cause! in my opinion theres no reason why all girls seeking it cant get it. when ever. guys prefer a more direct approach to the coy and docile approach in use now - you must be reminded that the thoughts of sex go through the average males mind once every 2 minutes. hows a guy to tell if the females in question are on the quest for dick. we arent mind readers! theres no easy to read sign. we need a gesture or something that is a universal key to let the member of the opposite sex know the deal. im just putting it out there any ideas? (aside from a sticker = SINGLE. or I WANT SEX) Dr. T Nexus: Unhygienic Dear Nexus, Bring Back Art! Josh Drummond is possibly the worst editor in the history of Nexus. His columns have less form than the taggings he criticises. Worst of all Josh eats out of the WSU’s anus. The anus-eating binge became apparent when Nexus proclaimed O Week ‘the best ever’ while the rest of the student body encountered the exact opposite. For proof you just need to read the letters column of the week after, and the week after that.... Sure under Art there were pictures of him prancing around naked every week, but at least the mag had a few articles worth reading AND maintained a degree of honesty! Regards, Disillusioned Nexus Fan Contact details Name: Hassan Shuktar Email: hassaninator@maktoob.com!

O’week was “the best ever.” In fact, that phrase occurs nowhere in the entire magazine. Next time you complain, try to have an actual point. If you feel like boosting Nexus’ quality a bit, feel free to submit articles, so everyone can see your journalistic genius. For your weekly dose of Art, check out Agony Art (on page 40.) Art assures us the naked pictures will return as soon as reader demand peaks. By the way, Hassan – or is it James Brunelle, or is it neither? - did you know you sent the same letter twice, under two different email addresses? Try not to do that, or we’ll suspect you’re just some wanker having a lame go at a wind-up. Three letters from the same guy in a week. Wow. Dear Nexus Guy, How was it possible to get a worse President than Sehai? Sehai did bugger all for the students and now Mother Moira appears to be doing less. What was O Week (or lack of) all about??? I’m sure at some point in the past Student Unions used to actually do things for their students other than advancing the political careers of their Presidents (and don’t even get me started on her ‘Big Momma says’ schtick vis-a-vis texting). Ciao! Big Momma’s Cousin (Another brilliant pseudonym, courtesy of James Brunelle) James, or whatever your name is – I hope you noticed that we “discourage the use of pseudonyms for serious letters.” I assume you’re trying to be serious, and you didn’t ask us not to, so I took the liberty of including your real(?) name(s) with your three letters. If you’re going to indulge in WSU/Nexus bashing, at least have the guts to say who you really are. WSU: Rocks. Yes, this is a real letter. Yes, we’re scared too. Dear ED, I just wanted to say that our W.S.U rock. Screw the other fags who are moaning like little 16year old girls for not getting their way or the band they wanted to see. Who cares!! what matters is this O’week was the best O’week this university has put on in a long time. Who gives a crap that they lost money because not enough people bought tickets, or a band that you like or Christian from the Datsuns wanted to play with didn’t play. Dude get over it. If you wana go watch them then go watch them when they do play. Also, there are other ways to make money; I’m sure our student union is not going to go into liquidation just because they put on a free gig (Go the free gigs!!), the gig should’ve been free in the first place!! Anyway i don’t mean to sound like a moaner myself so I’m going to say rock on WSU, get creative in your money making schemes, and everyone makes mistakes!! but not everyone is big enough to stand up and take responsibility, put their neck on the line and organise stuff for us students. It’s not as easy as it looks. Appreciate the effort!! David Vesseur. p.s. What is up with the punctuation and grammatical errors of our students? “Intelligence letters”??, “all the of management students”?, maybe thats why things don’t get changed around here.

Hi, Fan/Hassan. Thanks for your kind support, although I must admit it’s the first time I’ve been accused of corporate analingus. The problem with your letter is that it’s wrong. I never said this

ISSUE 04

I’m sorry My son That I won’t see you first walk Or hear your first word Or be it, because I’ll be gone by the time that You notice I’m missing. I wish that I could stay

My son, I’ll take root in the floor and the walls and the roof And hold my branches over you as long as I can, Tell you stories about what you can be, like Anything And everything. They’ll drag me from your side And lay me down in my own bed,

Even just a few more days Watch you in your cot and see your chest Move up and down as you breathe your first breaths. I’m sorry, my son, That I couldn’t keep your mother here, So she could see you too. She fought hard to give you life And gave her own So I could have you If even just for a few months, Before my body’s turning against me is complete, Before the doctors tell me I can’t see you anymore And then God will agree. She loved you, My son, Far before you were born, Long before I had met her, Forever, before time. I’ll fight to stay by you as long as I can

Waiting for my body to waste away, Eyes growing weary Hearing growing weak, But I’ll hear you cry out in the night and run Sprint Tear to your side And tell you that you’ll be fine And great And My son.

You’ve probably been hearing a lot about the forthcoming Presidential election in the United States, as well as the current Democratic nomination battle between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Seeing as this election will probably affect you more than the New Zealand general election later this year, Nexus has put together a handy “dummies guide” for all you dummies. The Parties There are two major political parties in the states. The Democratic Party is the oldest political party in the United States. The Democrats stand to the left of the Republican Party on social and economic matters, and is more liberal. The Republican Party is more conservative with social and economic issues (and, mostly, supports the war in Iraq.) George W. Bush is the 19th Republican President.

Delegates Explained:

candidate to be the party’s nominee for the office:

Democratic nomination process To become the Democratic nominee for president, a candidate has to be nominated by a majority of delegates. A candidate has to win a simple majority of 2,024 delegates out of a total of 4,047 to win the 2008 nomination.

A delegate is an individual who was elected by their territory in the United States to vote for a particular candidate. A caucus is a gathering of registered voters (delegates) who then vote for a candidate for office. In some states, the caucus determines how many delegates each candidate will get from that state at the national nominating convention.

The Democratic Party has two types of delegates: pledged and superdelegates. A pledged delegate is voted in on a local level to support a particular candidate. Superdelegates are individuals that compromise 794 of the total 4,047 Democratic delegates, and are usually governors, members of Congress or party leaders (such as former vice-presidents). The superdelegates aren’t required to support a

The total votes a candidate gets from all the state caucuses and all the state primary elections will determine who the candidate for President is. The Republicans and Democrats each have their own system for determining how many delegates are needed for the

particular candidate, and generally support the most popular choice.

Republican nomination process To become the Republican nominee for president, a candidate has to be nominated by a majority of delegates.

In the Republican Party the magic number is 1,191. A candidate has to win a simple majority of 1,191 delegates out of a total of 2,380 to win the 2008 nomination.

Winning Delegates The Democratic Party uses proportional representation to decide how many pledged delegates are awarded to each candidate. For instance, a candidate who wins 40 percent of the vote in a state’s primary would essentially win 40 % of that state’s pledged delegates. A second-place finisher in that primary who wins 30% of the vote. There is a minimum 15% threshold that a candidate must win to secure The Republican Party uses a “winner takes all” system for most states, with a few distributing the delegates proportionally.

The Story So Far… January 3 - February 4 The early primary season did little to determine a solid front-runner for either party’s nomination. Each of three Republican frontrunners won somewhere in the early races as Democrats Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton

ISSUE 04

traded states, each seemingly capable of winning the party’s nod. The early primary season didn’t determine a solid front runner for either the Democrats or the Republicans. Obama and Huckabee’s popularity were on the rise according to polls. Obama had a victory in Iowa due to strong support from young Democrats. Hilary’s campaign was struggling, until she cried on a live interview broadcast on live TV. By showing the public her human side, she went up in the polls and secured a victory in New Hampshire. McCain also managed to boost his campaign when many considered him a write-off. February 2008 Obama received strong celebrity support from people such as Oprah Winfrey, Stevie Wonder, and a prized endorsement from the Kennedy clan. This saw a rise in his ratings, however Clinton went on to win delegate-rich California by 10%. It is believed that she won due to strong support from the Latino community. Super Tuesday: On Feb 05, 2008 the largest number of delegates were up for grabs from a total of 24 states, but failed to define a clear leader for either party. On the Democratic side Obama won more states than Clinton, but Clinton won states with higher delegate counts leaving them in a virtual tie. In the Republican race, John McCain pulled into the lead in his party, but was just short of winning the nod as he failed to finish off his rivals and claim the required amount of delegates. 20

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On February 12 was the ‘Potomac Primary’ where the District of Columbia, Maryland and Virginia voted for both parties. Obama was victorious in all three for the Democrats, which gave him a total 8 consecutive victories after Super Tuesday. McCain took all three primaries for the Republicans giving him the edge over his competition.

March Hillary Clinton was named the “comeback kid” after saving her flailing campaign by

Hillary Clinton has been left redfaced recently after video footage of her trip to Kosovo years ago revealed that she had fabricated a story about sniper-attacks during her visit. winning three of the four states that were up for grabs on March 4. This gave her a much needed boost, upsetting Obama’s campaign. On the Republican side, McCain defeated his rivals to clinch the Republican nomination by considerable margins. April It’s now a race to the finish between Clinton and Obama after Texas and Ohio failed to decide the Democratic nominee. The next state up for grabs is delegate-rich Pennsylvania, with a massive 200 delegates and an unpredictable political identity. Pennsylvania will be the last chance for Clinton to catch up with Obama to gain the nomination for the Democratic Party.

May/June If the nominations are still up in the air by the summer, a “brokered convention” -- which involves the trading of delegates during the convention process to settle on a nominee -- may be in the works. Voters in a handful of states, from North Carolina to South Dakota, would have the last chance to prevent such an unusual scenario.

The Current Situation: Obama is going strong and leading the race to win the nomination for the Democratic Party, mainly due to his charisma and excellent oratory skills. Hillary Clinton has been left red-faced recently after video footage of her trip to Kosovo years ago revealed that she had fabricated a story about sniper-attacks during her visit. She said “I remember landing under sniper fire… There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base.” However, footage shows her arrival in Kosovo to a greeting party, under no threat. Her fabricated claims have been slammed by the US press for being “like a scene from Saving Private Ryan”.

Meet The Candidates Former lawyer with a degree from Harvard. Currently U.S senator from Illinois. He is author of “Dreams From My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance” (1995); “The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream” (2006) and “It Takes a Nation: How Strangers Became Family in the Wake of Hurricane Katrina” (2006). Won a Grammy in 2006 for best spoken album for his reading of “Dreams From My Father”.

The U.S. senator from Arizona ran for the presidential nomination in 2000, but lost to George W. Bush. He is often described as a “maverick” for his independent and sometimes divisive stances on issues. In 2002, he became the first sitting U.S. senator to host “Saturday Night Live.” He is author of “Faith of My Fathers” (1999); “Worth the Fighting For: A Memoir” (2002); “Why Courage Matters” (2004); and “Character Is Destiny” (2005).

This isn’t just about the past, it’s about the future. I don’t talk about my opposition to the war to say “I told you so.”

Former First Lady, is married to former President Bill Clinton. Has a law degree from Yale. Currently in her second term as senator from New York. She is the first First Lady to be elected to the U.S. Senate. Clinton’s 2003 memoir, “Living History,” sold more than 200,000 copies on its first day of release.

The former U.S. senator from North Carolina was the Democratic 2004 vice presidential candidate.

Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt, and Hillary Clinton is related to Brad Pitt’s girlfriend Angelina Jolie: Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769. Ben LaBolt. Clinton and Jolie are ninth cousins, twice removed, both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718. Barack Obama has admitted he drank, smoked pot, and used “a little blow” in his teenage years. John McCain used to date a stripper known as “The Flame Thrower”. Rudy Giuliani ‘s first marriage was annulled after 14 years when he discovered he and his wife were second cousins.

The two-term mayor of New York City dropped out January 30, 2008.

Successful Mormon businessman from Detroit Michigan. Former Massachusetts governor. Dropped out on February 7, 2008.

John McCain was remembered as “a tough, mean little fucker” in high school. Sent to juvenile court for telling two girls to “Stick it up your ass.” Clinton failed the bar exam on her first attempt. Was “amazingly nervous” in court. John McCain gave his ex-wife—freshly mangled in a car accident— closure by marrying a young, beautiful heiress a few months after his divorce. Wife No. 2 was caught pilfering painkillers from the medical charity she established. John Edwards, when asked about his position on gay rights, reportedly replied, “I’m not comfortable around those people.” Hillary Clinton, according to one biographer, keeps her marriage together by advising her spouse, “I need to be fucked more than twice a year.” ISSUE 04

Waikato University is not the first place you would look to find a bestselling fantasy author. But if you did look, you’d find one. His name is Russell Kirkpatrick, and he’s the author of an awardwinning fantasy trilogy which is selling rather well - outside New Zealand, that is. His first three books – a fantasy trilogy – have been published by Harper Collins and he’s now half-way through a followup – the Husk trilogy. And he’s a Waikato University academic. He resides in the Geography department, where he indulges a life-long fascination with maps by lecturing and drawing atlases. Not to mention writing epic fantasy. Nexus first spoke to Russell when he failed to show up for a scheduled interview. We dutifully gave him a ring, and managed to catch him at home, where he’d been “recovering” from an appearance at the Conjunction Nat-con (a science fiction convention in Wellington.) Where, we might add, he took out the Sir Julius Vogel (New Zealand’s Science Fiction and Fantasy awards) for Best Novel. He sounds tired when he picks up the phone. “Brain’s a bit scrambled, huh?” I ask, sympathetically. He laughs. “It’s always scrambled. But now it’s worse.” 22

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He arrives at the Nexus offices sporting a Half-Life 2 t-shirt – “I borrowed it from my son, I haven’t played the game – yet,” he says, when I begin to spout off about how awesome the games are – and completes the ensemble with jandals, shorts, and a wristwatch jammed halfway up his arm. He bears a bit of a resemblance to Peter Jackson – or, maybe, a hobbit. Not that there are any hobbits in his books, although, as he explains, all epic fantasy bears an inevitable debt to Lord of the Rings, and his is no exception. He began writing fantasy as a hobby, to accompany his twin loves of geography and reading. His success as a writer came accidentally – “I aways wanted to be a rock star, really,” he explains – when his wife saw an episode of 5:30 with Jude where a guest from HarperCollins called for New Zealand fantasy authors to submit manuscripts. His wife persuaded him to submit his own work – the manuscripts for his first two novels – and he was, to his surprise, immediately accepted. With that, the interview begins. I’d brought Nexus volunteer and column-writer Kirril on board, for the simple reason that he’d read Russell’s books and I hadn’t. Thus begins the single most fan-boy-ish interview I’ve ever done. Kirril, Russell and I turn out to have similar tastes in books, music and rather a lot of other things, and we spend most of our time going off-track. It’s ridiculously fun. What’s not fun is reading the transcribed interview and realising it’s entirely un-publishable, on account of not making sense to anyone but us and being about 8000 words long. Plenty of editing later and we’ve got something that makes a kind of sense. Now, ready yourselves, as we plunge into the mind of a writer of epic fantasy. Nexus: I was reading through [the first book], and I really love the cosmographers, ‘cause I’m a math major, so having a girl who can see numbers makes me automatically hooked. I don’t know how this is going to sound but obviously from reading that, you’re a smart person (all laugh). I’m sorry if that sounds stupid.

His wife persuaded him to submit his own work – the manuscripts for his first two novels – and he was, to his surprise, immediately accepted.

Russell: No, you can’t take that for granted at a university. N: How do you know when to stop? I mean if you are into maps and obviously you know math when do you know when to stop and go; no more technicalities? No more maths? H: That would be the best question I’ve ever been asked, in all seriousness. The first book I wrote was 210,000 words long, which is a bloody long book and it was basically me touring through my landscape, which is what I like. The weather would change and they’d be in rainy weather slogging up a stream and then they’d go up a hill and see a glacier - and nothing happened. When I wrote it, it wasn’t to get published, it was a hobby because I was unemployed and thought I’d give something a go. I made an atlas and thought I’d write a story based on it, and when a publisher advertised for manuscripts I sent it in and they went “oh yep.” I knew that I had written far more than people would want to know but I just couldn’t bring myself to cut out the geography. So I cut out a plot line instead. But honestly, I’ve had a lot of emails from fans who loved it, but also emails from people saying “I can’t read your book, there’s just too much stuff, too much geography. N: One of your characters ties a noose around a god with mathematics - is it God, or a god? R: It’s a god. My first trilogy had one, but he was a bit like the Wizard of Oz. in the first trilogy you kind of think of him as the Christian god. In the second trilogy you realise he was booted out by his son and his daughter… N: So how does religion come in to your books? R: Well, I really liked what Tolkien did. I’m sick of fantasies where they use a thinly-disguised system from the Roman Catholic Church and use it to ridicule Christian endeavour. I mean, I think there’s plenty in Christian endeavour to ridicule, but that’s lazy. But in my case I actually did train as a pastor in the 1980s, so I really do have a kind of… I was writing my first stuff at that time so when you read the first trilogy there’s a real feel of religiousness in it, deliberately. But I like the idea that there’s no church, no human control, its up to them how they choose to interact with their god. For this second

trilogy, I’ve turned it on its head. In the first trilogy, the land that was being fought for was supposedly good. But there were plenty of hints that things weren’t as simple as it seemed. Now what I’m doing in the second trilogy is I’ve gone to the other side and we’re now looking at it from the supposedly “dark” side and discovering that what happened in the first trilogy, a lot of it was really a tissue of lies.

N: Where do you get your characters? R: In the first trilogy, [the character] Leith was me as a teenager. So I saw him as the hero, but he frustrated the adults in the first trilogy cause he didn’t really… he was just me, he wasn’t decisive enough, he made mistakes, he ended up in charge of an army and he stuffed it up. That kind of thing… N: With referencing – do you consciously do it, or do you do it and then realise later that it was subconscious? R: It’s mostly subconscious and unintended. I’ve never consciously thought, “what a great idea, lets use it.” I try not to do it. I mean, anyone that’s read Tolkien is gonna be derivative, the whole notion of fantasy…do you know what I mean? You’re desperately trying as a writer, okay, there’s a genre that has these walls that you’ve got to sit

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When I wrote it, it wasn’t to get published, it was a hobby because I was unemployed and thought I’d give something a go. I made an atlas and thought I’d write a story based on it, and when a publisher advertised for manuscripts I sent it in and they went ‘oh yep.’

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within. How can I make my particular take on it interesting and original? So I’m always coming back to my own ideas, but like most

you can have a scholarly interest added to your writing. Then there’s CS Lewis because those two are intimately connected, they provided

had to be, when they had to be there, and what was going to happen in between it. It was all noted down, so it was very regimented

ideas, someone’s done it before. And it gets to the point where you find the next line is already being written in your head because of all the books you’ve read and you know what the genre demands of you what happens next. So whenever I realise I’m doing that I’ve gotta turn it over. N: So is that what this new trilogy is about? Subversion of the genre? R: To a degree. It does sit firmly within the genre, in the sense that there are those writing outside the genre doing “fantasy” that’s well outside epic fantasy boundaries. I mean that’s where Terry Pratchett started that whole notion – doing a big piss-take – and then he fell in love with his characters. So yes, the new books sit comfortably in the walls of fantasy, but they’re really, purposely, a subversion of the genre.

a foundation for fantasy - but more recently Steven Ericson. I’d recommend him. N: Who’s he? R: He’s an American from the Midwest, and he writes fantasy on the largest scope I’ve ever come across. Must larger than Robert Jordan. He’s much more economical with his words – you pick up his first book and you’re just dumped into it. You gradually come to realise, over a couple of books, that there’s this enormous worlds that he’s gradually letting you see, and when I started reading him I was staggered.

and all the plot twists were sorted out beforehand which made the book very linear. For the second trilogy – well, now I have an ending for the book in mind, so I start and I just go and trust. Writing like this allows all sorts of connections to develop. Time wise – I’ll not write for months on end and then I’ll go mad and write enormous amounts in a short period of time. N: How do you balance writing with your work? R: I’m hopeless at it. I’m very much a oneproject person. While the semester’s going I can’t write very well; my focus has got to be on one thing. N: How and where do you find time for writing, how does that squeeze in? R: I will write for two or three months at a time and do little else. I finished writing Dark Heart last July and I didn’t start writing this new book until January. N: And did story ideas grow in your mind at that time? R: Yeah, you meet people. I was in this place on the weekend, we were standing in a shop and I went to pay for my drink, and this guy said “I’ve been waiting here a while.” I said “I just need to pay for my drink,” and he said “I’ll cut your fucking liver out,” and went off at me.

N: How many books have you written - is there anything lurking that’s unpublished? R: I’m writing the final book of the second trilogy at the moment and then that’ll be it for that world. There’s 70 years between the two trilogies. There was supposed to be a “happily ever after” at the end of the first trilogy, and it just didn’t turn out that way. N: Who are your role models, when it comes to authors? R: Clearly Tolkien – because the his whole notion of epic fantasy, of back story, is proof

N: Where do you place the limits of the genre yourself? Can fantasy go anywhere? R: There’s two kinds of fantasy – in the broader sense, everything is fantasy. An epic fantasy generally deals with a continental world with wide conflict, but there’s an enormous variety of fantasy beyond that N: Would you call Harry Potter fantasy? R: I would – I don’t know what else you’d call it. For example, Elizabeth Knox is a New Zealander who writes fantasy. She’s written the “Dreamhunter” series and to my mind its fantasy. It has also been argued that Diana Gevalden – who writes historical stuff – is a fantasy writer. These lines are blurred N: Can you describe your own writing process? R: I’ve changed. For the first trilogy I had a map, and I knew exactly where the characters

You find the next line is already being written in your head because of all the books you’ve read and you know what the genre demands of you what happens next. So whenever I realise I’m doing that I’ve gotta turn it over

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I was in this place on the weekend, we were standing in a shop and I went to pay for my drink, and this guy said “I’ve been waiting here a while.” I said “I just need to pay for my drink,” and he said “I’ ll cut your fucking liver out,” and went off at me N: Really?! R: And I thought; shit! Isn’t that amazing? That someone can react like that? He was just a normal looking guy with a bike helmet on, and away he went. And the way I felt about that and the way he behaved – if I don’t learn from that and incorporate it [into my writing] I’ve missed an opportunity. N: Will there be a moment or a character based on that? R: There will be a moment where someone who feels very comfortable is physically threatened and has a particular reaction to it, and I can now analyse that, ‘cos I was there. N: When you’re creating characters, are they based on people that you meet or that you know? R: To be honest, most of them are based on me, or aspects of me, because I’m the only person I understand and even then it’s pretty vague. (Laughs) They’re also based on other people’s behaviour, and

One of the many detailed maps Russell has drawn for his Husk trilogy.

what I remember, and that then comes back to my church. I don’t ever take a person and say I’m going to write a character just like him. N: So do you find writing cathartic – do you learn things about yourself through your writing? R: Oh God, yes. Like I’ve noticed in every book there’s a death by falling, and it makes me realise how scared of heights I really am. Russell Kirkpatrick’s books – Across the Face of the World, In the Earth Abides the Flame, and The Right Hand of God, are in selected bookstores across the country and are available through HarperCollins. Path of Revenge and Dark Heart are his new books, and form the first part of the Husk trilogy. You can visit Russell’s website at russellkirkpatrick.com.

Question of the Week: I thought you might be interested in some of the answers that I’ve received to my questions of the week.

Studylink will no longer have an office on campus. Basically they feel that there aren’t enough students using the office (because you’re all using their website – which they are happy about) to warrant keeping it open. If you need to see someone at Studylink, the closest one to us is now Grey St. Graduation is coming up. (7th – 11th April). This has been a little confusing because normally its held in teaching recess but because of the V8s and all the work that’s being done around Founders Theatre Grad had to be shifted forward a week. So even though you might have classes on, don’t forget to support your friends and family when they do the grad march through town. SARB (Student Allowance Review Board). This is a relatively new process introduced by the Ministry of Social Development. Basically, if you are not happy with the decision made by Studylink you can go through a review process. I am one of the Waikato regional student representatives and have recently gone through my first hearing for this. Outcomes from these meetings can be upholding or overturning the decision so it’s worth doing if you think that they have got it wrong.

Today I received a letter from Inland Revenue greedily telling me how much my 2007 student loan was and that they now had control of it. I assume that many of you have received this letter over the past week as well. Did you get a bit of a shock when you opened it and realised how large it was? I did. And think, this is only one year’s worth of debt; how are you meant to pay back three, four, five years worth? Unfortunately, I can’t help you come up with a solution for that, but what I can do is draw your attention to the fact that student debt has reached a record high, $10 billion in April this year. To have any chance of having this debt cut, or achieving a living allowance for

How big is your student loan? One student has a student loan of almost $80k and he didn’t do medicine OR vet. This guy has studied, gained his qualification, went out into the work force and then returned to academia to retrain – and while he is on his way to his second qualification, he also has a huge bag of debt behind him. Why didn’t you buy a ticket to either of the O week concerts? The concerts should have been at the beginning/middle of the week a) because you had money to buy the tickets in the first place; b) so you could go to town at the end of the week – think beerfest/fluro party etc. You were scared of getting wet – the Village Green is not a covered venue so rain can put a damper on things – agreed (although Supergroove did say it was an awesome venue and much better then the one they played at Canterbury). Some of you thought that the bands weren’t a great choice – fair enough, everyone has different tastes. Ok, that’s it from me. Look forward to seeing you all on the Village Green for DodgeBall! Question of the Week: Would you rather be able to borrow more for living costs (this is the amount that’s attached to your student loan) OR Have the parental income means testing age reduced from 25 to 20 (if you want a student allowance – the “free” money - and you’re under 25, then the decision is based on how much your parents earn)

all students (yes that means your loan will be smaller), you need to speak out. It is election year, and if we have our voices heard early enough, we can put student debt on the election agenda. On April 10th, we will be hosting $10 billion day, a chance for all of you to show the government that you are not happy with the amount of debt that you are accumulating. You can participate by turning up at the Village Green and signing a protest, or, for the more vocal of you, you can tell the students, media, and government your story of student debt and hardship. If this interests you, send me an email or come and see me this week.

On another note, for all those students in Tauranga, I will be working from the Tauranga WSU office on Tuesday 8th April. So make sure that if you want to see me for any reason, whether it is for advocacy, to discuss ideas of what can be done on your campus, or just to have a chat, send me an email at vp@wsu.org. nz and we can arrange a time. Remember that this week Wednesday at the Village Green we will be staging a dodge ball tournament so get in quick and register your team at the WSU office. And make sure to stalk a WSU Director and get snapped in a photo with them…it could appear in next weeks Nexus and you could be the lucky winner! ISSUE 04

Upcoming Events Dodgeball Hey ho crew, this Wednesday we got the big Dodgeball Tourney. By the exact time of going to publication, we have 7 teams registered and will have at least 8 teams compete but have room for 12. So, get your team of 6 (including 1 girl) and 30bucks for your team and come register at the WSU reception. Don’t forget a team name and a team theme (optional), the best dressed team will win a prize along with the winners of the tournament. Teams will need to be there at 12pm sharp at the Village Green with games starting at about quarter past 12. Things will round up at about 2pm. There will be four pools of three teams, or two pools of four, depending on numbers. Matches will consist of 3-minute max games where the first team to win two games will win the match. The top team

International Students’ Noho Marae 2008 After 2007’s inaugural explosion onto the Waikato University scene, the WSU is proud once again to present the International Students’ Noho Marae 2008. Last year saw approximately 100 Waikato University international students from around the world take part in the two-day event held at Matapihi O Te Rangi marae in Tokoroa. The event caters exclusively for international students and provides a culturally stimulating, entertaining, and enriching experience into the traditional innards of Maori society, protocol, and culture.

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Hirequip are kindly lending barriers for the Dodgeball court and there will be pellets for a couch grandstand. Bring down the flat couch and a few beverages and get amongst the dodging of balls. There will be a free sausage sizzle (thanks to the WSU) and music cranking during the afternoon’s activities. Domino’s Pizza, Hallenstines, LiqourKing Hillcrest, Student Rent and Hirequip Frankton are sponsoring the event and there are some sweet sweet prizes up for grabs. All proceeds will go to the Tribe for Unigames ’08 and any additional donations are very welcome. Don’t drop your balls, students…

It is the perfect opportunity for many of our international students to not only personally interact with Maori custom and culture, but to also positively connect with the customs and cultures of their fellow international peers.

International students’ attending last years Noho Marae paid a registration fee of $30 each. The registration fee covers the cost of transport, food, accommodation, and the cost of any other extra activities (e.g. Hot Pools).

The WSU will once again be seeking the assistance of interested student volunteers to help out in the direction of the event— organising, encouraging, and energizing individual small student groups.

Details of this year’s International Students’ Noho Marae have not yet been finalised— however keep your eyes and ears open for further developments regarding this culturally stimulating two-day event. You don’t want to miss it!

This year’s International Students’ Noho Marae will be held at Rotorua on Friday 16 May - Saturday 17 May.

Some feedback I hear from thum thar critics of ye Arrrientation, no wait, that was Massey Albany with Katchafire and Concord Dawn. In the almighty words that spell quite clearly the Otago motto, I could say ‘get over it’, but they not only had Supergroove and The Datsuns, they also were privvy to Tikki Live, Pluto, Little Bushmen, Electric Confectionaries and Opshop, to name a few of the 18 odd performances. Sure we didn’t have the long line up, but we didn’t have long lines either. Do I 30

from each pool will play off in the semi-finals (first to three games) and then obviously the two victors of the semis will play in the Dodgeball grand final (first to three games).

Deni Tokunai International Students’ Director international@wsu.org.nz

answer a question with a question? Well, the venue was awesome, the local support acts were great, and despite appearances, the weather could have been worse-certainly wasn’t prohibitive. What was up with plugging the Big Man on Campus all week, then putting the final on in at the Bahama Hut in Competition with The Datsuns? Trust me, there are a few questions I also have, if you want to put yours, you could bark up the Nexus Tree, or come along to a WSU Board meeting and ask them in person. 10am Monday mornings in that room by the pool table in the Student Union Building.

The decision of what to study and where to study has proven to be a puzzle within a maze to many a student. This decision sometimes quantifies into an enigma for international students who form an essential part of the University of Waikato.

and consistency of training and assessment programmes. All national certificates, diplomas and degrees offered by NZ institutions are quality assured and policed by the New Zealand Qualifications Authority (NZQA) in order to protect your personal investment in education.

To those international students who have chosen to study here at the

Waikato University’s degree programmes are all internationally

University of Waikato, you can rest assured that you will be achieving a qualification that is both consistent and comparable to qualifications achieved in leading educational institutions around the world.

recognised and this recognition is based upon a robust foundation of wide and strong global connections.

The New Zealand Government has implemented national quality assurance systems designed to assist institutions maintain the quality

As a guest and a student in NZ, both the University of Waikato and the Waikato Student’s Union will do everything we can to help you succeed in your educational endeavours for a bigger, better, and brighter future.

Rachel (WSU enviro) So, to really fit into my role as being the Greene portfolio holder for WSU I have decided to get ride of my car and buy a scooter. They are AMAZING!!! I am still in the process of finding the perfect one though. Last night I had a brain wave!! Why don’t we have a scooter war or pimp my scooter event at Waikato Uni. This will be a fun event

Jeff Hawkes

Joanne Bisset

for all those scooter riders out there who are choosing to save money on gas and lesson emissions that we are causing with our cars. We could all bike to Uni, but common we have got to be realistic.....why not scooter!!! That’s my mission…to get more people on scooters at Waikato Uni!! So everyone watch this space as I will organise a sweet scooter event!!

Olivia Beattie

Ben Delaney

Andrew James

Denis Tokunai

Tracey Iremonger

Rachel Wark

Whetu Taukamo

Glen Delamare

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Teams of 6 with 1 girl at least, $30 registration ($5 each)

Wednesday 2nd April 12pm Start at the Village Green

Email notices to nexus@waikato.ac.nz (or text to 021 235 8436!) before Wednesday, 5 pm. We don’t always have much space, so get in quick! Try and keep ‘em under 75 words. Ta. Random Stuff Need help typing your assignments, I will type what you write. I do not proof read or check for grammatical errors, but will type your assignments as they are written and your writing must be legible. $7.00 per typed page neg. Text 021 205 3289 Vocalist wanted for rock/garage band, covers and originals, to play live gigs as soon as the vocalist is up to speed. Gender irrelevant. Contact Smash on 0276661854. Freeloader.co.nz Where Students Buy and Sell. No listing fees, registration charges or success fees, it’s FREE. A great way to buy and sell second hand text books and find flatmates. www.freeloader.co.nz All management students now have there own bebo page! pick up hot chicks off it and share tutorial answers! just go to http://www.bebo.com/BMSRepresenT and join the revolution!

Are you, or do you know, an (african?) hairdresser, or someone who works from home; who does hair ext / braids / cornrows. Please send contact details to tjs15@waikato. ac.nz. cheers Ultimate Frisbee! Come play! On the uni fields opposite the library every Mon and Thurs

at 5.30pm. Beginners to pros… come one, come all! Where are all the Askew people at? Come join us Wed 1-2 at the QueerSpace in the Cowshed, next to the Student Union building. We’re a friendly bunch and would love to see some new faces! :) 20 tennis players needed a.s.a.p business house style social tennis at the uni courts then refreshments at the Don Llewellyn. Season will run for at least 6 weeks, Saturday avo’s 1-3, $20 fee will apply for court hire and ball fees, teams are of two people. Women’s 5k Fun Run and Walk – 6pm, Thursday 27th March Come to the Hamilton City Hawks Clubrooms (Grantham St, beside boat ramp) and take part in this fun event. The scenic 5k course winds down along the river path and provides a great opportunity to get family, friends and workmates involved for camaraderie or competition. There are sections for individuals, mother/daughter, grandmother/granddaughter, businesses and school teams, and plenty of spot prizes. Entry forms available at www. hamiltoncityhawks.co.nz, or come down early and enter on the day. Donation of profits to Hospice Waikato. Also take the chance to find about Hamilton City Hawks’ new social membership pack – training tshirt, coaching programme, regular club runs, winter club races, Hawks clubrooms facilities and more, for only $30.

Wanted Flatemate wanted, to join two students and a builder in a nice house off nevada rd, rent is $90 p/w incl power, large spacious living areas including 2 lounges and a sunny deck area, 15 min walk to uni, 7 min to silverdale shops, please ph or txt 0273223887 to inquire. Wanted: one student flat/house for breaking and entering. Please leave doors or windows unlocked and open, or assume that your flatmate has locked up or it won’t happen to me. Leave laptops or valuables in open spaces so that I don’t waste time having to look for these items when I break in. Even better leave these items by an open window or door so I can just grab it while you are in another room. WHO WANTS TO LIVE WITH AGONY ART!? My landlord is trying to fuck me on rent really bad, so I’m in the market for a new place to live, kiddies! Want to live with someone who gets so drunk he can’t move? Want a flatmate who is tidy and keeps to himself unless there’s drinking to be done? Well, I’m your guy! Txt me and I will pop over to see if you’ve got what it takes to live with me! 0277398549

For Sale For Sale: Mazda Familia 1993, 4 door, only 133,000kms, Automatic. Current WOF and Rego Very economical Asking Price $1600 or negotiable Contact: jk109@students.waikato.ac.nz or 02102286768

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Halfway through the 2008 Rugby Super 14 season and it is obvious that the Canterbury Crusaders are the team to beat. The Crusaders have won 6 out of 12 Super Rugby titles (Super 12 from 1996-2005 and Super 14 since 2006) and after six matches this year are sitting on top of the table, eight points clear of the remainder of the field. The Sharks from Natal, South Africa, who were last year’s runnersup, are also unbeaten but they are behind the Crusaders because they have already had their bye and the Crusaders have not. The Crusaders have also registered five bonus points throughout the season for scoring four tries in their matches. This is an ominous sign for any team who is yet to play them, including the Chiefs, as this means that their backline combinations in particular are fluent (although they are also scoring many of their tries in the forwards) and opposition teams will need to have top-notch defence to keep them in check. The New South Wales Waratahs were their most recent victims after being sent back across the Tasman with their metaphorical tails between their legs after their 7-34 loss at Jade… errr, sorry, AMI Stadium.

Blair Munro does things and then writes about them and you read about it! A lot of people tend to miss my jokes. I’m occasionally a pretty funny guy, but when people rely on inflection and tone to convey humour, my wit is lost on the people of Waikato. Ask anyone dumb enough to admit to being my friend, and they’ll gladly attest to this. I blame my delivery. It hangs somewhere between a white Morgan Freeman, and a Christopher Walken without the chainsmoking. This makes it difficult for some people I know to pick up on the subtle remarks and comments I make in everyday conversation. Nothing more debilitating for an aspiring comedian than to have nobody laugh, unless you’re trying hard to be ironic, which you shouldn’t.

The Chiefs, as usual, have started their season in a very slow manner but are gradually gathering momentum. They go into their Round 7 encounter with the Highlanders (which will have already been played by the time you read this) with a 50% record having won three and lost three. However they were impressive last start when they took on the Bulls at the Rotorua International Stadium. The Chiefs were 12-10 up at halftime but in the second stanza they completely dominated the defending champions led by a clinical performance from the tight five and came away with a 43-27 victory. If they can continue performing like they did on Easter Saturday, they will be there or thereabouts come playoff time. At the time of writing, they are 9th on the table, but a victory over the struggling Highlanders (who have yet to win a game in 2008) will, depending on other Round 7 results, put them within striking distance as there is not a big margin between the teams in the central part of the points table. The Blues and the Hurricanes are both in contention for playoff berths at the end of the season with the Blues positioned 3rd and the Hurricanes 5th. However both sides must continue to win as they have any number of teams below them snapping at the feet and ready to move up should they let a match slip. The Hurricanes have the arduous task of taking on the Crusaders in Round 7 whereas the Blues will be playing the role of matador at Eden Park as they prevent a Bulls backlash. Remaining Chiefs Home Games at Waikato Stadium V Crusaders 7.35 pm Friday 18 April V Reds 7.35 pm Saturday 26 April

This delivery, combined with an overactive sarcasm gland and the ability to keep a straight face in most situations, makes working in customer service industries more bearable. I’d like to ask everybody reading this, to remember one thing: if you call up Tech Support, or visit a place of business where someone has to deal with you, don’t say anything stupid. Let us ask the questions. Please. I’ll provide you with an example of how asking a simple question can go so terribly wrong, but I’d like to provide a bit of back-story. There’s an American comedian named Bill Engvall, whom I idolise for one simple reason. He’s as sarcastic as I am. He wrote a song entitled “Here’s Your Sign,” about all the times people have said something so ridiculous, he’s been tempted to give people a sign, just to point out how stupid they are.

Here’s your sign… I was at work on New Year’s Day last year, and someone (obviously not too hung-over to use the phone, the blasphemers) decided to call my place of work. “Thank you for calling, you’re speaking with Blair, how can I help?” “Are you open today?” “No ma’am, I’ve been put on the New Year’s shift, I have to sit here between the hours of 7am and 10pm to field phone calls like this one.” “Really?” A friend of mine from Ireland showed me a picture once. It had the slogan: “Facepalm. When expressing how stupid that was in words just doesn’t cut it.”

“Did you shoot that deer?” (Regarding a mounted deer on his wall) “No, he ran through the wall and got stuck.”

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Awesome people are awesome all the time, whether you’re watching or not. But being awesome is a tiring job and we need to relax, so we have awesome hobbies and interest to keep us awesome while we recharge and contemplate life, laughter and whether your new haircut makes you look fat (a little, from the side, but you have an adorable personality). Some awesome people that I know have some great hobbies, like being Canadian, or flax-weaving. I on the other do not have the patience nor desire to pump out matching flax baskets and pants, so a different pastime is needed for me. Last week (or like seventy weeks ago in Nexus publishing time), I discovered a new hobby for me...shaving ... like your grandpa. By this I don’t mean patchy, infirm and with a slight waft of cabbage, I mean with a single bladed razor, with a brush and my life hanging on the line. Technically, I think my hobby is called wet shaving with a safety razor. A safety razor is a few steps safer than a straight razor (as brandished by Sweeny Todd) and seven steps cooler than youK Gillete Mach Seven Laser Guided Coffee Mister. “Why is it cooler?” you ask. “What could be cooler than scrapping my face with my newest silver blade-o phallus?” you ask, again. It’s the absolute control you have over how your face will look that day, the immense savings, the feeling of your razor NOT ripping three days worth of drunk stubble from your chin and the whole ceremony of making yourself look ...presentable. Judging from what I see on my way to class, I can tell that many of the guys on campus need to learn how to shave with a safety razor, so maybe in the least they will finally stop missing spots, having razor burn and ass-moustaches (I’m looking at the first years...it’s ok you probably only shaved for the first time three months ago). So here’s a quick guide. First you need your safety razor, I got mine for $25 from the barber on Ward St, and another one for $1.50 on TradeMe. I got a brush from the same place and a shave stick from New World. When you have your equipment together you wet your face and apply the stick with vigour (it’s almost a metaphor for sex...except that it’s on my face). When you’re all foamy, start shaving in super short strokes with the grain. One pass like this will give you stubble in the afternoon. I carry on, lather up, and do a pass sideways to the grain and then sideways in the other direction and finally against the grain. You will be super smooth, your face will be hydrated and chances are that you will be bleeding (once again talking to the children amongst us). Although I am awesome, my 500 word limit is not. So take into account that these aren’t full instructions – research wetshaving before you remove the top seven layers of your own skin.

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When walking the streets of our great Hamiltron: City of the Future, it is easy to overlook the more basic elements of what makes this city so great. One of the outstanding features of this city, one that really takes a few years to come to grips with, is that Hamiltron is in fact very similar to Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection. The cast of characters in this fair town is varied; ranging from young schoolgirls to Mexican wrestlers to kangaroos with boxing gloves. For every person in Hamilton you know, I can guarantee that there is a Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection character that is exactly like them in every way. For example, the people who work at the food court in Centreplace are all like the guy who keeps lying in the ground whenever I want him to do a jumping kick, and all of the stupid hippies are like the stupid hippy. Even local MP Dianne Yates is represented, with the recent edition of the enormous fire-demon with the mouth in his stomach who dishes out noogies. Another way Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection is just like Hamiltron is that any conceivable interaction between two given people or characters becomes unbearably hilarious if you imagine that it is taking place within the dark dreams of a prison inmate. I dare you to keep a straight face while watching Craig Marduk pounding the living shit out of Xiao-yu in a room filled with pink balloons, or while watching a pack of white-trash suburban dropouts grind their way around a whole dance floor until every single female has cleared out. Mission accomplished eh, homos? Then they stand around talking and wondering why the bar is so gay, until someone finally punches them in the throat (me - I’m the Bruce Lee guy). Hamiltron’s stunning locales are also a high point, and the luscious backdrops in Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection parallel this as well. The lake, river and Burger King Carpark all take the concept of exotic scenery to new heights and would make the perfect setting for a romantic evening of showing your girlfriend who the king of iron fist really is. While perhaps not as breathtaking as a temple, space station or magma pit, Hamiltron’s arenas are have inspired legendary matches, and it is an actual true fact that the bit in Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection where you fight in a cage and there are people cheering and cars hanging around was actually based on The Loaded Hog. The makers of Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection were there once and saw a Panda bear mauling a man dressed as a samurai while people cheered. They wondered why no-one had really questioned this, or why no-one had considered what the bear might do after it had won the fight and had a taste for blood. Or what the samurai might do after he had just MURDERED A BEAR with his bare hands (I can never make him use his sword) and had a taste for blood. To summarize; when in Hamiltron, flee from exceptionally buff old men.

New Zealand’s Snowballing Debt As a nation we appear to have eyes bigger than our pay-checks, and our official measure of savings has New Zealanders spending $1.15 for every $1 earned. Although other measures of spending relative to earning are more conservative, few dispute that debt is becoming a more common part of everyday life, particularly for members of the younger generation. With half of all 18-24 year-olds already in the precarious position of being trapped in debt beyond their level of assets, and with student loans now totalling over $10 billion, this is no laughing matter, and the interest cost to taxpayers is stacking up. Borrowing enables us to gain more spending now by relinquishing future earnings along with the cost of interest. In the process, an illusion of prosperity is created—just as if we mortgaged the farm and threw a party—but the higher the level of debt we attain, the greater the quantity of wealth transferred from the general population to the lenders in the form of interest. As with any market, a higher demand for borrowing will raise the price—in this case the interest rate. Dr. Dutu, one of our economics lecturers, points out that the increased interest rate resulting from credit consumption, “makes fewer projects viable, reduces investment, and stifles long-term economic growth.” Our real interest rate, accounting for inflation, is double that of most developed nations, and it has been enticing foreigners to convert their savings to NZ dollars, raising the value of our currency and hurting our export competitiveness. Another concern of Dr. Dutu’s is that we are “losing ownership of domestic capital.” If we are not willing to save the money required to maintain or purchase NZ capital, foreigners will, and they shall reap the returns. We are caught in a deteriorating cycle. We borrow to enable an assumed level of consumption; this borrowing harms long-term productivity; and consequent lower incomes mean that we must borrow even more to 38

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sustain ourselves… The process continues, and all the while we are handing over a greater proportion of our incomes in interest payments. To make matters worse, much of the student debt may never be repaid, leaving our rosy government surpluses in jeopardy; and how can we be surprised when no credit criteria were applied to applications? Alarm bells should have started ringing when the Inland Revenue Department began rescinding punishment and offering an amnesty to kiwis abroad that have not been making payments. If the situation was under control, amnesty would not even be considered. So why are we, particularly as students, so willing to live beyond our means? Do we just have a poor savings culture, as is so frequently repeated by our leaders? Surely we can find a better explanation than that. Dr. Gibson, another Waikato professor, says that “claims of a poor savings culture are simply spin… and if students are rational they will accumulate the largest possible debt since it has a negative real rate of interest.” In plain English, when we take inflation into account, the government is paying us, via the interest-free scheme, to accept student debt, so we can hardly be accused of being frivolous with our money, at least not on an individual level (The taxpayer might not be so pleased). Consequently, we should not be surprised to find that the number of students graduating with debt has accelerated in the past ten years, doubling in that time, and the interest write-off is now costing taxpayers over half a billion dollars annually. Going beyond students to debt held by the general population is a complicated step. Many factors create excess spending, from policies that subsidize housing-loans and the nature of our monetary system, to the myriad of explanations for our stagnant wages, languishing relative to Australia and other wealthy nations possessing greater capital bases. Let us conservatively agree that New

Zealanders, in general, have a disposable income that does not meet their expected consumption levels, and we must address whatever is impeding our productivity. But what about us students? Since government-provided interest-free loans are so inextricably linked to our expanding debt, we do well to clarify the interplaying pros and cons of the program. The publicly stated goal has been to increase the number of students attending university, in the hope of creating increased earnings and positive ripples throughout the economy. Cynics can be forgiven for viewing the program as a baseless election year vote-grab, but let us give the policy architects the benefit of the doubt. Student and graduate numbers have been rising, albeit diluting the worth of degrees and at a cost far greater than the interest write-off—each student costs more than $15,000 annually—but whether the expenditure improves national earnings at all, let alone enough to justify both the lost years of employment and the taxpayer expense is far from conclusive. We have a choice as a nation. We can put great faith in tertiary education as an improver of productivity by continuing to offer universal and heavily subsidized loans—accepting more and more students, the ever-expanding debt, and the hefty taxpayer expense. On the other hand, we can take the view that the university experience does not give a return that justifies both the 75% fees subsidy and the interest write-off—reassigning interest to the debts and accepting lower student numbers. Perhaps each of us needs to take a look at ourselves and ask, are the New Zealand public getting value-for-money from our education; are we worth it? Fergus Hodgson has a B.A. in economics from Boston University. He currently studies political science and tutors macroeconomics here at the University of Waikato. Feedback is welcome at flh2@waikato.ac.nz.

nerdery. Jed Laundry

--BEGIN As I had such a productive week, what with single-handedly fixing 3 major bugs in my software at work as well as starting two assignments, I’ve decided to completely forget to write an article this week. So, I’m going to do what any geek would do faced with my situation, completely lost for anything to say; make shit up! Warning: the following article contains a lot of crap. Please don’t take most of it seriously. So, I was on the bus the other day when this guy decided to bust out his mobile phone and start playing music. I really don’t get the idea of playing recorded from TV, poor quality music at loud volumes, but normally this isn’t a problem for me as I have a pair of nice noisecancelling earbuds. They did cost quite a bit, but they’re definitely worth it, and I’d recommend them to anyone. I once recommended them to the office manager at work, when she came round my desk and stood there talking to me for 5 minutes. I only noticed her because I decided to go get a coffee. Anyway, I’ve really been changing my coffee preference over the last few years, not to mention that a few years ago I would only drink Earl Grey tea. I just kind of grew up with it - it really spawns back in the day when

I was 7 when one morning I didn’t have any hot chocolate to watch the morning cartoons with. Speaking of, does anyone else remember that CGI-ish cartoon that was on a few years ago.... uh... Reboot or something like that? I couldn’t help but laugh through most of those, just like with the “UNIX system” on Jurassic Park. (Dude. You totally missed the point. Re-boot was awesome! - Ed) Seriously people, not everything is a complex series of boxes that need to be clicked. Also, the arbitrary command console, like the one in Ocean’s Thirteen, don’t really exist. They would be nice, but most people complain about not being able to work the automated 123 system. Which is odd, as I’ve never really had a problem with it, its just that its not a human and is designed to take out a lot of the small, repetitive calls like “how much do I owe?.” But ya, I didn’t have my noise-cancelling earbuds that day on the bus, so I was a bit annoyed.

--END

BY BURTON C BOGAN

My first time… My first time listening to Pantera I was about 16. It was the first time I had ever got drunk. My best friend Mole’s parents had gone away and as all kids know, when the parents go away it is our duty to play up. So we had a party. Actually it wasn’t so much a party as a small group of us getting really drunk. His older brother Hori bought us alcohol, I think it was a whole lot of Jim Beam. Anyway, while drinking the Beam Hori put on Pantera – I think it was Walk? And we were head banging to that. I remember Mole got really drunk and was throwing up all over the lawn. It was real weird though cause he was throwing up in little puddles. So concentrated were the little puddles that we picked them up with a shovel the next morning to dump over the fence into the cow paddock! Anyway, in between the throwing up I remember Mole warning me not to drink too much with Hori cause it’d kill me. Once again I should have taken the warning but I didn’t. The rest of the night is a bit of a blur. I remember playing some car racing game on the computer, while this drunk guy Rob was rocking the chair and swinging it around as I turned corners and shit. I remember being really drunk and trying to walk it

off. I remember Rob thinking it was a good idea to drink a whole lot of milk so I wouldn’t be hung over the next morning, but instead all it did was end up with me adding my own contribution to Mole’s vomit lawn carpet. So ended up having a two man head bang with Hori on the back lawn. Then Mole came up and said that we should keep the noise down cause otherwise his neighbor Wally would tell on us. Bad idea. I spent the next half hour yelling “Wally!” at the top of my lungs. Poor Wally from Totara North. The next morning we shovelled all Mole’s vomit over the fence and cleaned up as best we could. I think I spilt some bourbon on the carpet which we moved the armchair over and indiscretion concealed! So, yeah. The first time I listened to Pantera involved booze – who would’ve thought! Hi Mum!

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LECTERN

English: native language; Māori: can sing first verse of national anthem Done your CV yet? What have you put in the ‘languages’ section? English: native language; Māori: can sing first verse of national anthem? How far is that going to get you if your rivals for the job can write reports and negotiate contracts in three languages? I find it so frustrating to see how many people graduate from Waikato believing they have a degree that will serve them well internationally when they can speak only English. Is it arrogant, naive or stupid to assume that everyone speaks English? Most people don’t speak English—and most speak more than one language. A degree that lets you work only in the English-speaking world lacks perspective. I think it can lead to a narrow, blinkered view of life, and to the belief that your way of doing things is not just the right way, it’s the only way. And a language is of course the gateway to another culture, another way of looking at life. When you encounter a different view of the world, it makes you think about your own culture, identity and values. That challenge to the self is just as important as the ability to communicate with others. Being monocultural in a multicultural environment is incredibly limiting. Aside from lacking the extra skills for your CV, if you speak only one language you are missing out on so many opportunities. In French,

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for example, we have the assistantship programme, which lets you spend a school year in France, Tahiti or New Caledonia working with an English teacher. It’s 12 hours’ work a week, and the money covers food and accommodation, with enough left over for you to travel during the holidays. All you need is to find room in your degree for a couple of beginners’ papers in French. Or if you take the language further, in combination with another major, why not do a Master’s overseas? Check out http://www.campusfrance. org/en/index.htm for a huge database of degrees in all areas, from Accounting to Zoology. Try to include another language somewhere in your studies. It’ll give you an insight into a different culture and different perspectives, as well as the edge to your CV. At the very least, get some exposure to another language. Watch Māori TV, which is the best channel in this country anyway (unless you think that Dancing with the Stars is really about us). Watch films in other languages, and get used to watching movies that don’t follow the Hollywood pattern; it’s actually possible to see a good film that doesn’t have CGI. Check out the language tasters during International Languages Week in August – last year we had lunch-hour classes in Chinese, French, German, Hawai’ian, Japanese, Māori and Spanish. Remember, monolingualism can be cured!

William Jennings lectures in French in the Department of Humanities.

Dear Agony Art My boss keeps making advances toward me while we’re at work. I can deal with that, as I’m a highly attractive woman, but recently he’s started texting me constantly. He hits on me when I’m in town. I don’t even mean clubbing, I mean when I’m doing my grocery shopping on a Saturday morning! How can I make him fuck off?! Claire, the highly attractive South African Dear Claire, the highly attractive South African There are too many ways to list in this article. Women seem to have an amazing ability to hurt men’s feelings and make them feel like crap. Why don’t you use one of the following tricks to drive him away (not that any of these have ever been used on me). Tell him you’re gay. Gay as hell. You don’t just like to kiss girls in the Outback, you like to fuck them too. You think the idea of cock is disgusting and there’s nothing you want more than a big slab of vagina on the hour, every hour. If they had labia flavoured milkshakes at McDonalds, you’d be there with bells on. Great big lesbian bells. Now, you say, don’t most guys really get off on lesbian porn? Yes, I reply, we do. Lesbian porn and girls hooking up is awesome in theory. But at the end of the day guys think of hot lesbians the same way girls think of hot gay guys, as poachers who are hunting on your reservation. Once he has a clear idea how much you like dining at the seafood kitchen, he’ll back right off. And you can go back to shopping for cucumbers or carrots or whatever it is you shop for on a Saturday morning. Tell him you got a nasty disease from an Argentinean exchange student. Get some rolled oats and make a little porridge, then fix the porridge to the corner of your mouth and blow dry it. For extra effectiveness, smear a little lipstick under it so it looks good and infected. You can’t be fired for having an STI (as far as I am aware) but you can suddenly become very off limits. No one wants to catch whatever it is that’s growing on your lip, no matter how hot you are. Don’t like porridge? No worries: just start scratching at your crotch during your lunch break. Nothing kills desire faster than panty-crustaceans. AIDS is another good one, as you don’t even have to use any props. You can even come into work really hung over and just pretend you’re having a bad day. This way you’ll get him to leave you alone and an easier workload. Love Agony Art adr7@waikato.ac.nz

David Large - Critic Categorising Patapon is a pretty difficult task – the game has shades of almost every genre that’s been proven popular on the PSP. At its heart, though, it’s a God game with shades of real-time strategy, as well as a keen rhythm / action hybrid, with RPG aspects lightly blended in. Oh, and there are a few rhythm minigames thrown into the mix as well, although they back up the RPG elements more than anything else, as your success in these games is rewarded with increasingly rare items. Starting the game, you’re greeted by the small Patapon tribe as a god, which is generally a good sign of things to come. Clearly the Patapon have seen better times, and it’s up to you to lead them through attack, defense and hunting levels to increase their numbers, wealth and experience, and rediscover the spirits of their lost warriors – all of which can be used to your advantage in later battles. All up, there are just over 30 levels, which is a lot more than you’d expect in a newly released (and bargain-priced) game. There’s also plenty of replay value in the boss battles, which can be repeated many times with the strength of the boss increasing each time you defeat it. Despite its often frenetic pace, Patapon is a pretty simple game underneath the fanciness of the rhythm genre and the shiny graphics. There are only four commands – moving your army forwards or backwards, and ordering them to attack or defend. Things get complicated, though, because the only way to action these commands is to take part in a call-and-response rhythm with your army that sees you hitting the four face buttons in time with the Pulse of the Earth (the background beats; a looping percussion track). Build up enough of these rhythms, and your army will enter Fever mode, which sees them fight harder and move faster. In fact, they fight so much more effectively that you’ll often find yourself holding back from a fight until you reach Fever mode, and only then weighing in. This strategy is much more effective, particularly when fighting bosses or many enemies, but it adds a grinding aspect to the game that will take away some of the enjoyment – not to mention the RSI that develops after a few hours fighting vectorised dinosaurs and giant crabs. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that Patapon will be making its way to the PS3, in some form or other, by the end of the year – like LocoRoco spawning its own interactive screensaver / minigame on the next-gen console in Cocoreccho, the IP is just too good for Sony to pass up. Two thumbs up.

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book review Marathon Woman By Kathrine Switzer

We’ve come a long way, baby - that’s the main impression you get from reading Kathrine Switzer’s new book. Most people will be familiar with the story of Switzer entering the male domain of the Boston Marathon in 1967, using her initialled name, and consequently being attacked on the course by the furious event director because she was female. This incident is covered in detail, and essentially kicked off Switzer’s career as a pioneer for women’s running, as, over the next 22 miles, she went from rage to epiphany. Tone-wise, it’s a different type of biography to Lorraine Moller’s recent tell-all effort ‘On The Wings Of Mercury’, as Kathrine Switzer mentioned offhand at the Hamilton release – “Hers is saucier, but mine’s funnier!” Both are well worth a look. Switzer’s story is indeed easy to read, and effective as a personal narrative. However, ‘Marathon Woman’ is set consciously in a politicised landscape, ripe for running revolution, one where society tends to look askance at women who have the audacity to embarrass their families by running around in full view, on the streets. (Don’t they know their ovaries will fall out?). It’s occasionally hard to imagine this extreme, given how relatively recently this story is taking place, but of course, the retrospective luxury of deriding such attitudes is largely due to the progress made by Switzer and colleagues. This progress is the main focus of the book, with every victory celebrated. To a reader and runner accustomed to the current liberal climate, this can seem over-emphasised by the end, but each step would no doubt have been huge at the time, particularly victories such as the inclusion of the women’s marathon in the Olympics. It’s definitely an absorbing read, and I particularly enjoyed the charting of Switzer’s personal challenges and athletic progress. As intriguing running history, as a note not to take freedoms for granted, and as inspiration towards pursuing big ambitions, ‘Marathon Woman’ is recommended.

cafe review I was slightly nervous as I walked into La Commune at one-ish on Sunday afternoon. I was nervous because for some reason I have always been a bit hesitant/scared of vegetarian and vegan food. I’m not sure why, but it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I was guarding my notebook in my back pocket, wondering if the guy in the kitchen (who I think I went to high school with) had picked me out as doing a review a mile away. The guy at the counter was friendly and offered advice on the food. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but the place just had this great, summer, relaxed feel to it. I had a look through the cabinet and picked out the carrot cake as it’s pretty consistent among other cafes I’ll review and I’m all about fair comparisons. The price was pretty good. For two coffees and the cake it was about $10 or $12 which is pretty normal. We grabbed a seat on the table to the left of the door as the sounds of George FM chattered away in the background. It was incredibly clean and tidy which is really great as it makes you feel a bit more relaxed and shows that either a) the boss really cracks the whip and/or is there, or b) there is a sense of pride in the store, regardless, its good. The coffee arrived quite quickly, shortly followed by the cake (coffee should always arrive before the food, as it should be served within seconds of being prepared). It all looked pretty good; the first thing I noticed was that the cake came out with yoghurt not cream, which is superb. The cake was a lot different to what I am used to, in a good way though. It was a lot more like a slice and the absence of egg seemed to really enhance the flavour of the nuts and spices. My only complaint was that coffee was good – bear with me here – but after the carrot cake I was excited about the prospect of a tantalizing new taste in the coffee, but it didn’t come. It was good coffee, but it wasn’t spectacular and in all honesty I was left a little disappointed. So the scores for this week: Service 10/10 Food 8/10 Coffee 7/10 Atmosphere 10/10 Cost 7.5/10 So a whopping 35/40 for La Commune, I strongly recommend that you rock up there at some stage this week.It’s worth every penny and from what I hear they always have bands playing and special dinner deals. Don’t be afraid of the Vegetarian and Vegan café if you are into your meat because the place is fantastic and is one of the best I have ever been to. Ok, hit the word count, next week: River Kitchen. Per se

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moving pictures

The quintessential post modern director, Quentin Tarantino’s movies are invariably more about other movies than any ‘real life’ referents. His personal mythology is that of the video shop worker made good: the film buff who watched so much of his store’s product that he was magically transformed into a filmmaker. Speaking as one whose entire post-varsity working life has been spent behind a rental counter, rest assured that this is not a natural or in anyway likely by-product of cinematic overexposure. Most of us just end up as the boring, obssessed guy no one wants to talk to at parties. Tarantino’s greatness is grounded in something altogether less commonplace than miminum wage employment: writing talent. I don’t just mean the endlessly recycled dialogue, either.

Film Review Joshua Drummond

“Juno,” directed by Jason Reitman I’d wanted to see Juno since I heard about it being written by a journalist-turned-stripper/ blogger-turned-scriptwriter, named, of all things, Diablo Cody. Her blog is called the Pussy Ranch, which should tell you rather a lot. The movie she’s written is not as unique as her life story, but it comes close in parts. On the face of it, the movie is about a teenage girl who becomes pregnant. In anyone else’s hands, this could fall into schmaltz territory, but Juno never even comes close. Excellently, the movie never strays into the annoying purposive non-schmaltz that so many “indie” movies seem to aspire to. It rings true throughout.

As brilliant a director as he is, it is Tarantino’s scripts, their depth of characterisation, structure and pacing, that give him a distinctive edge, particularly over other stylists like, say, Tim Burton, who have some or total reliance on others. He is first and foremost a storyteller, with complete command of his material. Tarantino shares with Scorsese the ability to transform established genres or source novels, to filter all sundry references and influences through a distinctive sensibility. Those who claim “Reservoir Dogs” rips off this New Wave classic or that Hong Kong action flic often miss the point. Tarantino does not ‘pay homage’ to earlier films or at least he doesn’t

the sets and playing. The sum total is uniquely Tarantino’s own. Tarantino’s latest, “Death Proof”, has just been released on DVD. Originally one half of the “Grindhouse” double bill, a project with Robert Rodrigeuz designed to evoke exploitation movies of the 1970s, “Death Proof” takes old car chase films as its model. Kurt Russell, himself a veteran of the era, is well cast as ‘Stunt Man Mike’ a slightly suicidal, slightly homicidal braggart with an eye for long legged ladies, including New Zealander Zoe Bell. While some of Quentin’s schtick is starting to feel a bit mannered and the early pace is a whole lot slower than any actual

do so by attempting to precisely remake the object of his affection. His debut feature is a heist movie that is at once vaguely similar to film noir tales and fresh and original. The wildly cinematic elements - the use of popular tunes in jarring, disturbing ways, the fetishistic discussions on the minuatiae of the culture, the blackly comedic sadism of the violence - are all counter balanced by a theatricality in

grind house audience would ever have put up with, “Death Proof” really delivers come set piece time, with a particularly satisfying conclusion. Even when effectively treading water and looking essentially to entertain, Tarantino remains the very definition of auteur.

The first thing to praise, and the reason Juno won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, is the dialogue. It’s just so damn sharp. The character of Juno is fantastically original and offbeat while remaining entirely realistic. Expect lines like “all I see is pork swords,” and “junk” to pop up in the catch-phrase vernacular. Ellen Page is brilliant in the title role, showcasing acting chops which will certainly see her headhunted by the blockbuster-mongers. JK Simmons, who plays Peter Parker’s Hitlerian boss J Jonah Jameson in the “Spiderman” movies and a similar role in Jason Reitman’s own “Thank You For Smoking,” is fantastic as Juno’s phlegmatic, but loving, father. The movie grows progressively weightier from the light-hearted start, and deals with the inevitable themes of love and loss – rather cleverly, as it turns out, through the couple Juno plans to adopt her child out to. Jennifer Garner plays the nervous mother-to-be Vanessa with aplomb, being the perfect adult foil to Juno’s teen-punk artlessness – “If I could just have the thing, and give it to you now, I totally would,” Juno says, deadpan. Father-to-be Mark is also spot-on as the middle-aged man who simultaneously prepares for fatherhood while realising the fact of his escaping youth.

Then there’s Michael Cera from “Superbad,” who plays the “boyfriend” – and, for me, this was one of the things that didn’t really gel. He seems to get placid, passionless parts in movies, and he plays them well. But you’ve got to wonder what it is Juno sees in him. Do still waters run deep, or is he just boring? I’ll pay more attention to the relationship when I re-watch on DVD, because I didn’t entirely get it. Nor is this a dealbreaker, because it’s pretty obvious Juno doesn’t know how to feel about him either, and it isn’t resolved to the end of the film.

All Tarantino DVDs may be rented from Auteur House.

I didn’t like the music, which seemed selfconsciously indie and struck me as cloying – but a lot of people seem to really love it, what with the soundtrack being one of the top-downloaded albums on iTunes. Juno is ultimately sweet, with none of the fingernail vs. blackboard contrived awkwardness that passes for humour in many indie films, like the oft-referenced Napoleon Dynamite. See it if you’re in the mood for a poignant comedy that is also a romance – and is in no way a romantic comedy.

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The first one now will later be last Hard on the heels of a stellar O Week it looks like Hamilton has fallen into the winter doldrums all too quickly on the gig front. From feast to famine faster than you can say “Hamilton isn’t a cow town anymore.” What’s up with that? I’d really like to hear your ideas. My experience with the Hamtown music scene has been that of doing a lot of hard work to get something off the ground only to see it crumble at the end of the runway or fall smoking into the ubiquitous dairy paddocks. What I am talking about, of course, is the lack of a structure in the Hamilton music scene to keep anything aloft (to keep the aeronautical theme going). Bands have no choice but to leave or at least play

elsewhere (incessantly) to gather a fan base, let alone to make money. Organising and staging any event (heaven help if it requires you to build a temporary venue) is not only expensive but, with Christmas in the Park and other mundanities sucking up available funds, almost impossible to get backing for. Yes, we are a small and conservative city, but surely the recent droughts are evidence that we would do well not to rely on nature (while raping the land and muddying the waters) to fuel our economy. The rest of the world has caught on that, if nothing else, a much more sustainable solution can be found in the creative sector. The Labour-led government

facilitate a perhaps one-off event, while to get a few bucks for musical projects that could create more jobs and even an industry and keep money circulating for a lot longer than those cars around that makeshift track, is about as likely as the Outback staging a play. Go on, I dare ya! So, what can we do about it? Again, I’d really like to hear your opinions (nexus@waikato. ac.nz) Perhaps the best solution, at least in the short term, is for the creative types to keep writing, keep playing and pushing for more venues and for the audience to keep showing up, telling friends and dragging them along, until we are a huge horde of people that can

has woken to this fact (if not yet actually embraced it wholeheartedly,) and is trying to steer us in the right direction, but there is still no doubt whose smelly fingers pull the purse strings in this country. This is perhaps nowhere more evident in Hamilton, where the above mentioned heaven and earth are moved to

not be ignored. Check out the gig guide next door for what’s happening, I’ve rattled on too much here to fill you in. My song of the week is “Ali in the Jungle” by The Hours of the album Narcissus Road.

CD Reviews LIAM FINN

LENNY KRAVITZ

(Liberation Music)

(Virgin Records)

I’ll Be Lightning

It Is Time For A Love Revolution

It all starts off as swimmingly as one would expect. The first three tracks of Finn junior’s solo debut carry all the promise one would expect from someone with such a musical lineage. The wonderful half time shift of “Better to be”, the irresistible chorus of “Second Chance” and the sing-a-long sensibility of “Gather to the Chapel” provide this album’s perfect opening. Then there is the first damned wet patch from track four to seven before a return to splendour. But the other wet patch (This Place is Killing Me, and the titular I’ll Be Lightning) before the last two songs send off the album in style, had me wondering whether 14 songs was a bit too much to bite off and chew first time around. Taken in isolation there is nothing terribly wrong with any of the songs in these wet patches, but in the context of an album they just don’t seem to fit as well and ultimately make the thing feel too long. Still, if you like either or both Finn senior’s music you’ll love this updated, more modern and every bit as brilliant contribution from one of the progeny of this scarily talented family.

You know what you’re gonna get with Lenny. He’s given us soundtracks for our lives since the early 90s and he shows no sign of stopping. Lost in a 60s timewarp and unable to find his way back home, Lenny begrudgingly lives in the now all the time agitating for a return to those simpler greener easier days when everyone did drugs, had unsafe sex and believed in the power of rock n roll to change the universe. The result is another album of Lenny-isms, musical and lyrical, along the same lines as what he has given us before, every bit as catchy and bombastic, with just the right amount of conscience to keep the record company unperturbed and the girls and boys thinking he’s so now. Despite my cynicism I actually did find myself liking the songs on this album from a purely musical perspective. He knows how to put a phat beat behind a catchy lyric and his guitars always sound like they were recorded in the 60s and remastered for modern consumption. If you’ve always loved the way Lenny does that, you’ll get into this, if you’re not a Lenny fan you probably already know that Led Zep, Hendrix and the late 60s Beatles did this stuff better.

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Die Hard 4.0

Best of Bang Your Head!!! Festival

REVIEWED BY BURTON C BOGAN

I’m a big fan of Bruce Willis; the Die Hard series, Hudson Hawk, even Death Becomes Her. Then he went to Disney and did the puke worthy The Kid, the hugely overrated Whole Nine Yards (followed by the even more terrible sequel), and the wank fest that is Armageddon. There were some highlights during that time like Fifth

In the afterglow of Rock2Wellington I went to CDs for Nix looking for some DVDs to review that were related to the artists who performed in order for people who didn’t go (and are right now sobbing) to get an idea of what they were like. But apparently I got there too late and the might that is the Bogan Consumption Machine bet me

Element and Last Man Standing but it all seemed a bit patchy. But lately he’s been resurrecting his career again with movies like The Hostage, Sin City and 16 Blocks. When it comes to the Die Hard series I loved all three. The first is my all time favourite, then the third (largely due to awesome performances by Samuel L Jackson and Jeremy Irons), then the underrated but still enjoyable second. John McClane is just the right kind of character for action movies, not only does he kick ass and take names, complete with cheesy one liners, but he does it in just the right kind of cheekiness. Die Hard 4.0 sees John McClane with a seemingly easy task of delivering a suspect to the police station and ends up in him thwarting ‘computer terrorists’ as they try to take out most of the U.S’s infrastructure (like power, etc.) to steal a bunch of cash. But how does the latest instalment stand up? The answer is: Pretty well, but the elements that made previous instalments of the series so great are slightly reduced in exchange for over the top stunts. It’s the downfall of most sequels, the need to up the body count and explosions at the cost of reduced ‘character involvement’ (right now, Arthouse buffs are laughing at me). Timothy Olyphant (think the awesome movie Go) makes a pretty good baddy, but he’s a far cry from Jeremy Irons or Alan Rickman. There’s the standard tacked-on love story (between the suspect and McClane’s daughter) which was pleasingly absent from previous instalments. What is still present is that claustrophobic atmosphere. Die Hard 1 was the office building, 2 the airport, 3 the city, and even though McClane isn’t as hemmed in as he usually is, 4 still has that kind of feel to it – perhaps due to the baddies use of surveillance and computer hacking to monitor McClane (almost like one big huge building). The stunts are, unsurprisingly, awesome and over the top, including McClane taking out a helicopter by ‘chucking’ a car at it. Also look out for a cameo by director Kevin Smith. Overall Die Hard 4.0 is a worthy addition to the franchise, but not up to the standard of previous attempts.

to it as the store had been picked clean! So instead, given the whole ‘festival’ theme, I chose Bang Your Head. When it comes to Metal and Rock festivals, Europe has it made. We always hear about Woodstock, which sounded awesome in its day, but in recent times (except for Ozzfest) all the best music festivals are in Europe. First held in 1996 this annual festival held in Germany has hosted some of the best that Rock and Metal have to offer. This year’s planned line up (in June) includes Judas Priest, Yngwie Malmsteen and Obituary. This DVD shows some of the highlights of 2001-2005 and has bands such as Motorhead, Twisted Sister, Annihilator and Sebastian Bach. Of the 29 bands represented on this 2 disc set, I only recognized half of them. Luckily there is a handy booklet that has a brief description of each band. The bands that I did recognize, often the song chosen to represent them was strange, for instance Motorhead’s Dr Rock isn’t usually the one people think of when they want to listen to, and neither is Twisted Sister’s The Price (luckily I Wanna Rock is on here too). The back of the DVD warns that sound quality varies, but for the most part it’s actually really good, Bach’s Youth Gone Wild sounds terrible but I think that has more to do with him than the recording gear. Overall this CD, while having some bands people would recognize, is probably more for die hard rock fans who have an embarrassing knowledge of music (like that TV show Beat the Geek) or for real crusty Bogans from way back. Others may find it a little disappointing that they have to consistently use the remote to skip to the songs and bands that they do know.

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Listings courtesy of Mammoth and the Hamilton Community Arts Council

ART The Paintroom Project Runs from March 8 to April 4, 10:30am–4pm (Weds–Sat) @ Ariki Gallery (555 Victoria St) Ruth Hickman’s art installation work meanders over the entire Ariki space; dripping and fusing colours to eerie and beautiful effect. E:SCAPE Sculpture in the Landscape Runs until 25th May, 10am to Sunset daily @ The Sculpture Park, Waitakaruru Arboretum, 207 Scotsman Valley Road, R.D. 4, Hamilton Curated by Kim Paton, the latest exhibition includes works by John Ioane, Fred Graham, James McCarthy, Karin Strachin, Steve Woodward, Gaye Jurisich, and many more. Natalie Good and Alice Alva @ New Friends Contemporary Art Space (186 Victoria St) Mithril Steel Opens Thursday 25th March 5:30pm @ Artspost Gallery Hamilton sculptor Marti Wong presents a range of works crafted from carpets, scrap metals, tools and recycled copper. You can be assured you’ll view mythical creations of dinosaurs, imaginary creatures, animals and other weird and wonderful objects. James Wilson Opens Tuesday 1st April 5:30pm @ La Commune Cafe “Acrylic paintings” exhibition opening with $5 drinks. ‘Real & Imagined Landscapes’ Runs until 29th March @ Sandz Gallery, 6 Kent St, Frankton Village, Hamilton. Open Mon - Fri 9am - 3.30pm, Sat 9am - 12noon New works by Sandz artists 46

ISSUE 04

MUSIC Shayne Malone & The Lookie Loos Thursday 27th March, 9pm @ Altitude – $5 entry A great night of soul touching rock with two of Hamilton’s best bands - Shayne Malone along with The Lookie Loos. Open Mic Night Friday 28th March, from 8pm @ La Commune Cafe - Free entry Attention all musos - take your pick with open mic and open decks, plus $5 drink specials all night. Chuganaut Friday 28th March, 10:30pm @ Axces Bar – Free entry Free metal show with support from Day 3 and The Alpha Shift (Hailing from the mighty Hutt) Marystaple Friday 28th March, 9pm @ Yellow Submarine – $5 entry Wellington rock band Marystaple with The Roulettes and Canadia. (www.myspace.com/ marystaplenz) The Midnights & Cosmic Ska Child Friday 28th March, 10pm @ Diggers Back Bar – $10 entry Fresh from playing Raggamuffin, Auckland based Soul Reggae group The Midnights come through to play the tron, with support from locals Cosmic Ska Child. Read the article in Mammoth to win a double-pass to this show! Stu Strawbridge & Nick Kranzlin Saturday 29th March, from 8pm @ La Commune Cafe – Koha Acoustic Jam with songwriter The Bennies Saturday 29th March, 9pm start @ Yellow Submarine – $10 entry With local support from Macken plus guests

Jakob, Kerretta & Sora Shima Friday 4th April, 9pm start @ Yellow Submarine – $20 entry Napier’s finest export, post-rock group Jakob on their 10th anniversary tour. Support from Kerretta and local boys Sora Shima. Main Street Dub Friday 4th April, 8pm till late La Commune Cafe – Free Entry Roots, reggae and dub from Jamaica and beyond. Hosted by Cpt nemo plus guests. $5 Corubas and $5 Corona beer specials. La Commune Cafe presents “Scum” Saturday 5th April, 10pm till 3am @ La Commune Cafe – Free entry Electro/Breaks/Dubstep with DJ’s Robbo (Matangi) Selector Cam (Htown) and Jimmy Jungs (Htown) Super Sevens 2008 Saturday 5 April - all day @ Waikato Stadium – Tickets are $10 Adult, $5 Child Super Sevens is a youth-focused rugby event that showcases some of the best secondary school rugby talent in the country. Featuring live music by The Lookie Loos and North Shore Pony Club. False Start Saturday 5th April, 7pm doors @ Yellow Submarine – Cost TBC With Arms Reach, Addison, Scenic Drive & Grace Lawry.

THEATRE Oscar Wilde’s ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ Runs 29th March - April 12th @ Riverlea Theatre Directed by Liz Buick. Tickets $50 dinner & show, $25 show only, $20 students & seniors. Bookings or enquires ph 0800 800192. Visit www.riverlea.org.nz for info.

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