issue 5

7 APRIL 2008

Problemas, tanto partido como tombadilho. Problems both party and… poop. The ‘Shrine at 109’ was host to some very obscure occurrences on last Saturday night. The event was Pratt’s ‘Surprise’ 21st and what happened over the night’s darkness sure surprised many.

Lisa had gone to more than a effort to make sure it was going to be an epic night and had sourced an industrial strobe and lighting setup, a smoke machine, and last but not least the David Guetta of Hamilton, DJ Fergie. The keg was swarmed upon and even during the speeches keg stands were cheekily taking place around the corner, some may say that is disrespectful...I do not. Standard practice for all males (and some manly females) after the speeches is to throw down the ol’ yard glass of yer forefathers brew. One difference to this ritual on this night was that the pourer was without cloth and not only that but the man had lost his wang...I know! What the! He, who remains anon, had inverted the ol’ fulla back into his body, it was awkward at best, but damn do I respect that. Inventive and unique. For the record Pratt downed the glass in 52seconds, well done chap.

Before 11pm the keg was destroyed and the cavemen came out to play.

There was an overdose of food at the party and there was no way in the hole of Hamilton this was going to be completely consumed. Two words, FOOD FIGHT! At least 50 savouries, 100 wedges, and 3 punnets of sour cream were lost in the war and thank the lord that I didn’t need to clean up the next morning. What followed was continued animal antics with bush warfare and curtain dancing, a new art form that involves raging fully wrapped in a curtain, I think. The curtain ended up being Arias’s bed for the night because he got rejected at 3rd base by a Sheila he walked home from town. That still classifies as a walk of shame Arias, but you even getting any! The party was a success in many eyes but the flaties weren’t impressed with the mystery log that was found in the morning on the back lawn, definitely wasn’t an animal in the literal sense.

That’s me for another week. Let me know if your having a big one this week/end and I’ll rock up and review it. Don’t be shy, now. (0276322769) Autobots, transform and roll out, Decepticons, eat shit!

P.S Maia enjoyed being a step above the rest and took full advantage of it (see photo)

Has winter finally arrived?

It is decidedly so – yup, winter is here. If by “winter” you mean “ongoing muggy shitty Indian summer.” Climate change has a lot to answer for.

Will the Editor start wearing a sideways trucker cap now he drives a lowered car?

It is certain – The Editor’s slow transformation into a boy racer will be complete by the time the V8’s come around. Nexus will reflect the change by only publishing content that has to do with cars, taking the Busted photos on the Te Rapa strip and changing its name to Cars-R-Us. Will the V8s see Hamilton descend into a mass orgy of looting, raping and pillaging?

As I see it yes – what did you think would happen? That we’d all gather round and discuss fine cuisine and French arthouse movies? Hell no!

Much like the Middle Ages, looting, raping and pillaging is what the V8s is all about.

Will China stop shitting on the Tibetans?

You may rely on it – Immediately before the Olympics, the Chinese will withdraw entirely from Tibet and issue a heartfelt apology to all the soppy Westerners they’ve pissed off so much. Then Tibet can resurrect its feudal theocracy and get right back to living in the Stone Age. Will the Warriors recover from their 6-52 hiding from the Manly Sea Eagles?

You may rely on it– They will make a miraculous comeback. We can’t say how, but it will involve the Warriors cheerleaders, nudity, every male in the crowd and 200 kilograms of crack cocaine.

Last week’s competition was unbelievably awesome, generating so many entries that the Nexus cellphone exploded and took the Editor’s computer with it. Once we’d put it all back together with superglue and duct tape, we found the best entry to be: “You know that troll from under the bridge? Fucken owned him, bro.”

Congratulations, John Housborne! Come up to the Nexus office to collect your prize!

And the runner-up is: “Baaaaa” – Hope Krause. (Yes, it’s lame, but I was a bit chopped when I was writing this, and it struck me as somehow hilarious.)

Is the obesity epidemic getting worse?

Don’t count on it – okay, shitwits. It’s not an epidemic, because you can’t catch fat. It’s really very easy. Stop calling it an epidemic, stop whining and STOP EATING SO FUCKING MUCH! There.

Will all-boys boarding schools continue to be hot-beds of homosexuality?

Signs point to yes – if by “signs” you mean “erect members of prefects who can’t wait to jump the fresh fish.”

Will Hillary Clinton drop out of the Democratic nomination process?

Better not tell you now – which we think means the hag will drag it out to the bitter end, fighting Obama in court when she loses. Meanwhile, the traditional Evil Old White Man republican candidate John McCain will quietly romp to victory.

Will the price of petrol hit $2 a litre this year?

It is certain – despite the fact that crude oil prices have been falling, the petrol companies will continue to gouge us until we all take up cycling – i.e, forever.

Come up with a caption and send it in to nexus@waikato.ac.nz with “caption” in the subject line. OR you can txt your entry to 021 235 8436 – make sure you include your name! If you win, you will be elected the King/Queen of the Hamilton V8 Supercars. Boy racers and bogans around the world will fall at your feet in worship, and you will use your positions to issue world-changing Commandments, like “Don’t be a fuckwit,” and “drive to the conditions, if they change reduce your speed.” This will cause the road toll to fall by 90 percent, eventually resulting in you being elected Prime Minister. Of the World.

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

3

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

1. Busted kicks ass!

2. Dave Grohl 3. Final Countdown - epic anthem 4. Yes 5. Awesome

1. Busted photos 2. Definitely the new guy in INXS 3. November Rain, by Guns n Roses 4. Definitely 5. Average

1. Agony art. The editorial so you know who wrote the lovely articles 2. Speedy and Jackie chan 3. Rock songs aren’t good to start with.

Soulja boy 4. Never been to a “Rock festival” 5. Excellent. About as good as snoop dog’s cripping (only on Wednesday’s)

1. Agony Art cos he seems pretty sweet, fuck knows. Haha 2. Julian Cassablanca – Slade, he could stroke me, fuck yeah, hi five!

3. Stairway to heaven 4. Fuck yeah 5. Oh, pure gold

1. Busted pics – those are funny 2. Ben Harper – he’s cute. Is that rock?

3. I’m the worst person ask this. Shit… um, “Sweet Child of Mine.”

4. No 5. Pretty good at guitar hero 2

1. What’s the most rocking bit of Nexus?

2. Who’s the sexiest person in rock?

3. Best rock song of all time?

4. Ever hooked up in a mosh pit 5. How are your air guitar skills?

Nexus Issue 05 -- 7 April 2008

FEATURES 19 Nexus Rock Roundup

Nexus writers wrock out at the Rock2WGTN festival

22 Parachutin’ in Yes, Nexus was there – and we loved it. Jonathan Creighton-Pester weighs in with an account of the world’s biggest Christian music festival

23 Split Enz Music Ed Carl Watkins reviews a concert by New Zealand’s biggest, most influential band

NEW STUFF

Award-winning cartoonist Guy Moskonovich returns on page 4, the Editor: Joshua “My Ding-a-ling” Drummond (nexus@waikato.ac.nz) Design: Talia “Poi E” Kingi (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz) Advertising: Tony “Working Class Man” Arkell (admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz/ 021 176 6180) Super Assistant to the Editor: Andrew “I Wanna Take You To A Gay Bar” Neal (news@nexusnpl.co.nz) Music Ed: Carl “Why Does Love Do This To Me” Watkins (toezee@gmail.com) Books Ed: Kelly “My Baby Wrote Me A Letter” Badman

Contributors 8 Ball, AJ, Vitamin C, WSU, Special K, Carl Watkins, Burton C. Bogan, Nick Sicklemore, Fergus Hodgson, Kelly Badman, Jed Laundry, Dr Richard Swainson, Josh, Andrew, Talia, Matt, Petra Jane, Jonathan Creighton-Pester, Grant “Last Name Like Mr.” Burns, Mammoth, HCAC, Flash Medallion, Olivia Miles (for last week) and last but totally not least, Art Focker (see? I put your name in the credits this time) Oh, and those randoms who helped us out at Dodgeball? You’re

Directorate reverts back to the old name of The Execution on page 14, Art Focker hates on ducks and nofish in the Rant of the Week on page 18, and Book Reviews by our new books editor Kelly Badman join the Café Review on page 34.

NEWS 8 – 13 Balls dodged on campus, Taggers prove evasive, Something to do with Student Loans, Billion Dollar Debt Day, V8 Supercars cancelled, Auckland Uni Lecturer’s dismissal “unfair,” Doctoral scholarships announced, Studylink to move off-campus, Police talk about all the wonderful new burglaries, the Nexus Haiku News, and a very special Imaginary Execution.

legends. Crap at Dodgeball, but still legends.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Because it means the student journalists get to go to Wellington and bitch about our jobs to each other. (We love our jobs.)

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, OR ANYONE. WE DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHERE OUR VEIWS COME FROM. WE THINK ALIENS BEAM THEM INTO OUR BRAINS.

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS? EMAIL nexus@waikato.ac.nz OR admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz OR call 07 838 4653 OR 021 176 6180

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton

PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: nexus@waikato.ac.nz POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

This one is dedicated to Ben Stiller, who made the art noir film “Dodgeball,” and countless other masterpieces. You inspired millions, buddy. Rest in peace.

REGULARS AND RANDOMS 02 AJ’s Partay Review/Karnage Kolumn 03 Magic 8 Ball 03 Caption Competition 04 Moskonovitch 04 Beats the Kangaroo 05 Low Five 06 Contents (whoa, trippy) 07 Editorial 15 Lettuce 18 Rant of the Week 24 – 25 WSU guff 28 Flash Medallion’s Puzzle Page of… something 29 Big Picture 30 The Lectern 30 A River Runs Through It 31 Boganology 101 31 The Nerdery 32 Agony Art 32 Sarcophagus Rex 33 The Phat Controller 33 Essence of Awesome 34 Book Reviews 34 Café Review 35 Moving Pictures 35 Film Review 36 Citric 37 DVDs 38 Gig Guide 38 Notices tt Busted

You’re extremely fucking stupid if you’re one of those people that deny climate change is happening.

I think I can get away with this, because it should be obvious. The climate changes every day, after all. So how big a stretch is it to believe that the climate might be changing on a global scale? The horrible, muggy Hamilton weather of late should help convince any doubting students out there that there’s a warming trend.

It’s not hard to believe because it’s true. These days, even the hard-core “climate change deniers” are reluctantly coming around and admitting that yes, the world is warming up, and yes, it is pretty obvious.

That the warming is our fault – well, that seems like common sense as well, seeing as we’ve dug up billions of year’s worth of dead plants (carbon, in the form of hydrocarbons – oil, that is) and injected them into the atmosphere in the geologic equivalent of a nanosecond. But I’m far from a scientist, and given the level of argument about the subject – for instance, the fact that volcanoes squirt far more carbon into the atmosphere than we ever will is often touted by the “it’s not our fault” camp – I can’t definitely say whether it’s our fault or not. In fact, I’m going to put it out there that no-one who is not actually a climatologist or similar can understand the data enough to come to their own conclusion.

There’s also the reliable data that indicates that, even before we started clouding up the skies with carbon, we were on a globalwarming trend anyway. The planet has gone through alarming climate shifts in aeons past,

and nobody really knows why. There’s no reason at all why there shouldn’t be another one, that’s got nothing to do with us.

But, we’re told, more or less reliably, that there’s this warming thing, and yeah, it’s our fault and, um, if we don’t stop it and sign up to the Kyoto Protocol and all this jazz bad shit is going to go down. What bad shit? No-one seems entirely clear on this, but it seems to involve a surreal mixture of flooding, cooling, ice-melt, warming, and all the polar bears will die. And most of us, of course. Well, the Third World will die, and who cares about them.

Not us, it seems. The West’s attempts at curbing its carbon emissions are laughable.

“Awareness” campaigns like the recent Earth Hour, for instance, are to actual change as eating lightbulbs is to a nutritious diet. If we really thought we were all going to die in climate-change-cataclysm, we’d radically change our lifestyles. We’d stop driving cars, for one.

“Oh, but the world economy would die,” I hear everyone whine. Of course it would. But if that’s what it would take to stave off global catastrophe, then that’s what should happen.

And it certainly won’t.

I used to think I cared. Then I realised I didn’t, when I bought a car. A great big gas-guzzling station-wagon. With a turbo. In fact, it’s dangerously close to being a boy racer car,

so to avoid being labelled I’m going to get it de-lowered and sell the doof doof on TradeMe. Still, having a wicked fast flash car is awesome.

You don’t have to get rained on and have people not see you and nearly kill you, like I’m used to on my bike. On the road, you can zip past the idiots who insist on driving at 60 clicks through a set of easy corners and then speed up to 120 on the straights so you can’t pass them. Not any more, suckers.

What’s happened is I’ve realised I’m a hypocrite, and I’ve come to terms with it. The alternative is living with no car, no electricity, no consumer products, no life, really. That’s what it would take. It’s about time everyone else dealt with their hypocrisy on climate change as well. Stop pretending to care. You don’t, really.

Luckily, it probably doesn’t matter whether you care. The escalating price of petrol (and the fact that it’s looking increasingly likely that we’ve hit peak oil production) means that it’s getting harder and harder to run a car. Soon, poor student that you probably are, you won’t be able to at all. There’s a big part of the problem solved – poor people owning cars.

Which brings me to my point: our selfishness will be our salvation. The inevitable suffering of millions won’t be what galvanises the West: it’ll be the middle-class-aspirant hordes who can’t afford to nip down to the supermarket in the Subaru Legacy. The magic market will reward people for going green-er, and, given time, this might – just might – do the trick. But that time, I think, is a while off yet. Which is why I’m going to enjoy my new turbo while I can.

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

News issue 04

WSU hosts best Dodgeball tournament ever!

“Dodgiest Exec ever” caught in the act Andrew Neal

Ninja turtles, chicks with balls, girls with moustaches, men in spandex and BA Baraccus sounds like a wild night in the Outback, however, with it being the middle of the day, these sights could only be found on the Village Green.

The Dodgeball competition on Wednesday April 2 saw many a colourful character hurl balls from one end of the court to the other and a good crowd gather to watch on BYO couches.

Teams dressed in all sorts of wacky outfits played on through the sunny afternoon while music pumped throughout the Village Green.

Winners of the competition were the ‘Dodge City Slammers’ who took it out after a hard fought battle with the spandex-clad team ‘Dodge my Sloppy Balls’.

“These guys have been dodging balls since they were young, the other teams were all good sports and I also consider myself a good ball handler, the balls react to them well,” said ‘Slammers’ team captain Slade Dangerous.

Controversy surrounded the final after one player was downtrailed and a player on the ‘Sloppies’ team was hit very harshly in the head with a ball and a time out had to be called.

“We’re not here to play tiddlywinks,” he said, after the crowd booed him.

Nexus entered a team into the tournament but a lot of sitting around at our desks made us unfit and not too quick on our feet, thus Nexus got owned and lost both games played, (despite some expert ball-handling from Andrew – Ed) The crowd present was entertainment on its own, with one dodgeballer, Steph Monroe,

8

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

chasing a ball into the lake splashing black crap into the air behind her.

“That was my first time. I always wanted to do it, and today’s a good time, it was sort of sludgy but it’s okay because it’s quite warm,” said Monroe of busting her Uni Lake cherry.

Rain the night before left the playing court wet and slippery underfoot, and added another level of difficulty to the games and saw many players slip over, especially after being hit in the face by a rubber ball.

Refereeing was done by WSU director Andrew James and Events Coordinator James ‘Elmo’ Hartnett was MC for the afternoon.

The day finished off with a pick-up game featuring a mixture of teams with 12 players on each side, which ended up descending into an orgy of broken rules and spear tackles.

March 31 2008

Monkey Taggers

They were, apparently, white, so it’s okay to call them monkeys. That’s not racialist. Shut up.

Andrew Neal

Two people caught defacing the University of Waikato grounds may have been trained in the art of parkour or “free running.”

Their escape, witnessed by WSU Director Andrew James, was unique in the way they used buildings and terrain to their advantage.

“They ran off and then they were up by the K on K Block and then they were just gone,” said James, who chased the taggers on his bike.

“It’s like they’re marking their territory,” observed James.

“I would have caught them but they climbed up this building and then they disappeared,” he added.

Police had not heard of the incident when Nexus spoke to them but praised James’ actions of chasing the taggers away.

University Security had not heard of the incident and had not been able to catch anyone spray painting first hand.

The group that practices parkour on campus have been known to spray paint stencils of a person leaping over some stairs.

The suspects were described as Pakeha males of around average height wearing hoodies.

The wall which they were stencilling already had two pieces of grafitti art on it, including the parkour group’s logo.

“It’s frustrating because it adds cost to the University when we have to remove it,” said Ray Hayward of Campus Security.

Since the incident a new stencil of a robot-looking character has appeared under the others to add to the University’s growing collection of graffiti art.

Netball Soccer Volleyball

Indoor Social Sport STARTS SOON Register your team today League 2 Entries Close 1 May

FIRST GAME

4 May Soccer 6 May Volleyball 15 May Netball

www.socialsport.co.nz $150 per team for six weeks of sport Enter online or at the Rec Centre

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

9

News issue 04

Student Loan Amnesty Closes

Amnesty International has “nothing to do with it. Stop calling us” Andrew Neal

Applications for the Inland Revenue’s student loan amnesty for people returning from overseas have closed, as of Monday last week.

The student loan amnesty is for student loan borrowers who have been living overseas and have got behind in their repayments.

“The Government introduced the amnesty to remove barriers to borrowers returning to New Zealand. It aims to provide eligible borrowers with a fresh start on their student loan,” says Adrienne Perry, Senior Media Advisor for Inland Revenue.

“People need to get their applications in to us quickly, because if a borrower is eligible and they don’t apply by the deadline of 31 March 2008, a one-off penalty will be added to their loan balance,” says Inland Revenue’s Student Loans Programme Sponsor, Vaughan Crouch.

“The one-off penalty will be either five per cent of the borrower’s total loan balance or the sum of their original late payment penalties – whichever is less,” he said.

To be eligible, borrowers need to have been overseas on 31 March 2006 and to have fallen behind in their repayments. They could have

returned to New Zealand by now or still be overseas.

“To date we have received thousands of applications and we are seeing a surge in the number coming in as the deadline approaches.

We expect to confirm the final numbers in May, after we have processed all applications,” said Perry.

The Student Loan Amnesty began on 1 April 2006 and closed on 31 March 2008.

Landmark student debt celebrated We get it, we’re broke. So let’s have a goddamn party already Andrew Neal

Students and unions around the country will celebrate the day of April 10 as the day student debt reaches $10 billion.

“We really wanted to plan something that would build awareness,” said WSU Director Olivia Beattie.

At the University of Waikato, events coordinated by the Waikato Students’ Union are set to entertain students but also bring a strong message about the burden of debt between 12 and 2pm at the Village Green.

WSU directors and volunteers are going to be locked to a giant box, which represents student debt, and objects such as holidays and cars will be placed just out of reach for them. Hilarity, Nexus is assured, will ensue.

‘Sentenced to debt’ is the theme of the events and will see people chained to a giant box, a soup kitchen, some freebies and a thumb print petition.

The soup kitchen will be giving away free lunch for all students and political speakers from around Hamilton will come to address students.

David Bennett MP M P f o r h aM i l t o n e a s t

Phone: 07 834 3407 Email: davidbennett@xtra.co.nz www.davidbennett.co.nz

www.national.org.nz 10

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

Students will also have the opportunity to dip their thumb in ink and place it on a giant card that will be sent to parliament to help highlight the issue of student debt to our parliamentarians.

“We’re doing a few different things so there’s lots for everyone and also so it’s quite visual and the media will have something to focus on,” said Beattie.

March 31 2008

V8 Supercars cancelled April Fools!

Andrew Neal

On the middle weekend of the teaching recess, thousands of V8 fans, petrol heads, bogans, and sport enthusiasts alike will descend on our city for the Hamilton 400 V8 racing event.

The large crowds and unfamiliar faces within Hamilton could be used as a cover for local criminals, according local police, so it is definitely a time to be extra vigilant.

The track will be through downtown Hamilton and around through parts of Frankton with many of the adjustments to the road and fencing already completed and test-driven by hundreds of boy racers.

A gala event will be hosted by John Campbell and will feature New Zealand celebrities” on April 17 to kick off the racing events.

The adjustments to central Hamilton will cause disruptions to University of Waikato graduation ceremonies due to parking spaces and other areas around Founder’s Theatre being closed off.

ERA: Buchanan’s sacking unjustified

Matthew Backhouse, Craccum The Employment Relations Authority (ERA) last week ruled that the dismissal of Auckland University lecturer Paul Buchanan was unjustified.

Dr Buchanan was sacked last year after sending a strongly-worded email to a postgraduate student, Asma Yamahi, who requested an essay extension after her father allegedly passed away.

“You are not suitable for a graduate degree” Dr Buchanan responded.

He also described Yamahi’s excuse as “culturally driven and preying on some sort of Western liberal guilt.”

“I realise that the original email was too harsh,” Dr Buchanan told Craccum last year.

“It was angry and that was a mistake. I wrote her the next day, I apologised and I told her I was having a real bad day and I shouldn’t have lost my temper. She accepted the apology and we agreed that she would give in this late work at some time in the near future.

“I do think the fact that I expressed to her and to the University my very deep remorse and sorrow at doing such a thing would’ve been a mitigating circumstance.”

The University dismissed Dr Buchanan on the grounds of serious misconduct despite his apology.

ERA member Vicki Campbell told the New Zealand Herald that although Dr Buchanan’s email was an instance of misconduct, it did not qualify as serious misconduct. She stated that a fair and reasonable employer would not have dismissed Dr Buchanan under the circumstances.

Accommodation is sold out all over the city and many houses and flats throughout Hamilton will be full.

Some houses around the track have been rented out for as much as $3000 or $4000 and one owner of a yoga studio overlooking the track was rumoured to have rented out his space as a corporate box for around $13000.

For anyone travelling to the racing all city buses and additional services to and from the Hamilton 400 will be free from 17-20 April thanks to a special partnership formed between the Hamilton 400 race organisers, Environment Waikato and the Hamilton City Council.

LOOKING FOR A CHALLENGE?

LifeLine Waikato 24 hour telephone counselling and support

Are you a people-person?

Compassionate? Reliable?

LifeLine Waikato offers a comprehensive training programme for people interested in becoming volunteer telephone counsellors.

This is an invaluable opportunity to learn counselling, communication and interpersonal skills.

Semester Two weekend and daytime training programmes begin 11 May 2008.

Places are limited.

For further information, contact the LifeLine Office

Phone: 07 838 0715 www.lifelinewaikato.org.nz Email: lifelinewaikato@lifeline.co.nz

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

11

News issue 04

Forty-two top New Zealand doctoral students have been awarded just under $4.4 million in scholarships over the next three years, Tertiary Education Minister Pete Hodgson announced today.

“We’ve got a bunch of really excited students here,” a Waikato University scholarships office spokesperson said.

“These scholarships are an important investment in New Zealand’s brightest scholars.

Top Achievers Doctoral Scholarships are awarded to students undertaking research in a variety of disciplines at a New Zealand or overseas tertiary institution.

It is the critical thinking of our researchers that gives us an opportunity to become an innovation-led country with the skills and knowledge to compete internationally.”

Hodgson said in a press release.

If the research is undertaken overseas the student must return to New Zealand on the completion of the scholarship for a period equal to that of the scholarship.

An undisclosed number of scholarships have been awarded to Waikato University students.

Some examples of the newly awarded Top Achievers Doctoral Scholarships include:

• Investigating wireless power transfer for heart assist devices • Analysing the population of the sub-Antarctic Right Whale • Evaluation of international tourist experiences using industry websites • Research on the role of social studies education • Developing models for control of deepwater floating wind turbines • Research on sustainable river management “This round of scholarship recipients cover many different disciplines. While some research contributes directly to product and technological innovation, other research assists us to better understand social, economic and environmental problems,” Hodgson said.

Studylink closes university branch Whinging, justification ensues Andrew Neal

The University office for Studylink has closed forcing students to go all the way to Grey street to sort out their loan enquiries.

The move was made this year after staff at the office complained of the lack of engagement with students, says a Ministry of Social Development spokesperson.

“The office was too seasonal and saw little work over the non-semester period, all offices are dependant on demand and the demand for the campus office has lowered” the spokesperson, who didn’t want to be named for some absurd reason, said.

12

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

The Ministry of Social Development states that the closure was also due to an increase in online services which removes the need to visit the offices anyway.

“There has been no reduction in service at all,” said the Ministry spokesperson.

The office for Studylink will still be open and running at full capacity on Grey Street, although some students see the trip as a little distant.

“It’s really annoying having to walk all the way to Grey Street,” one Law student complained to Nexus.

March 31 2008

East Hamilton Police Burglary Report 24th - 31th March 2008 Burglaries have reduced to nine over the past week in East Hamilton, their locations are indicated on the above map. Though the number has decreased, four student flats have been broken into, losing their laptops.

The offenders are targeting electronic goods for to fuel their drug habit.

If you’re aware of anyone that is taking drugs, then don’t befriend them.

They might break into your flat or room and take what’s valuable to you.

Information on how to protect your home is available from the East Hamilton Community Policing Centre on Clyde St.

Security Advise: Please remember to lock your windows and doors.

Make sure that when your flatmates leave the house, they don’t leave it unlocked for you to enter because there is only one house key.

If you have any information that might help Police with these burglaries, please call the University Constable, Nick Sickelmore, on 856 0291 Nicholas.Sickelmore@police.govt.nz

By Drummond-san House prices 30 per cent over-valued, risk large fall - BNZ Oh really? Bad show Why didn’t you tell us SIX GODDAMN YEARS AGO!

Woman escapes croc’s jaws with just bite wounds She escaped, her legs all rent?

How, you may ask?

By smelling repellent.

‘Blowing off steam,’ says teen clocked at 178km/h Speeding blows off steam?

Nexus has another idea Masturbating

Global warming may bring malaria to Britain Mosquitoes sing “Fee fi fo fum I smell the blood of an English mum”

Cinema man worked two years without pay How did he live?

While he went without pay?

Our guess, he sold the odd J.

Taleban attack Dutch In a Taleban hut: “You know what I hate?

Those damn tolerant Dutch.”

Texting and driving, the New Zealand pastime Texting and driving is passé SEXING and driving That’s sooo today.

Dogs catch flu directly from birds, study finds When we all die from the bot This study will show It’s all Poochie’s fault.

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

13

The Execution Nexus was present in spirit but not body for this week’s meeting of the WSU Directors, or Executive, or whatever it is they call themselves

anyway, and gave a resounding speech on Governance Training that led to a standing ovation and Moira being carried away on the

WSU’s food budget on daily hors d’œuvr deliveries. Then Ten Billion Dollar day came up.

This has to do with the up-coming celebrations

now. Not being there turned out to be a minor handicap, because a.) The meetings don’t vary a hell of a lot, and b.) Nexus acquired a copy of the Minutes and decided to write the column using those, filling in the blanks with its fevered imagination.

shoulders of chanting students.

After that didn’t happen, Jeff Hawkes moved that the President’s report be accepted. He did this by shifting slightly in his chair and snoring. He was slapped awake by a bunch of gnomes who had tunnelled into the Bomb Shelter and took the Exec to be the Parliament of Humanity. After witnessing the antics of the Executive meeting for about 30 seconds the gnomes left, muttering darkly about the stupidity of humans and how we were all going to suffer through their terrible earthquake machines. They took Co-Vice Presidents Olivia Beattie and Ben Delaney with them, returning them only when they realised that they were just short, and not, in fact, gnomes.

After the meeting was de-gnomed, and Ben Delaney was locked outside pending an investigation into his humanity, Ms. Beattie spoke regarding Dates for working from the Tauranga Office and class rep meetings, Gym Memberships, Health Care, University News Article, Cultural Committee and the Noho Marae trip on 16-17 May for 120 Students. It was riveting, and was accepted by the Exec on the basis that she toned it down a bit next time – quite of a few of the male-gender-identified people in the room were sweating.

Ben Delaney tunnelled back in to the meeting and tabled his report, which was duly accepted. Booo-ring. Nexus hopes that one day, the Exec will shoot down somebody’s report just for kicks.

David West, who Nexus probably shouldn’t be too snarky about for employment-keeping reasons, then gave a report. What was it about? Nexus has no idea, and can think of nothing except sinister plots to spend the

of our best student debt yet, and Nexus will let the minutes speak for themselves on this point.

The meeting opened and there were no apologies, not even from Jeff Hawks, who is usually very apologetic for one thing or another. He cavorted and jested and told hilarious jokes, to the disdain of Tracey Iremonger, who Nexus hasn’t picked on yet.

“Ooh, stop it, Jeff,” Tracey might have said.

“That’s what she said,” Jeff didn’t say, because he’s not that witty.

The meeting Moved Chair that the minutes of the previous meeting be accepted. The Chair was moved successfully, and used to prop the Bomb Shelter’s door shut against the legions of students begging to view the democratic process. Thunder and lightning spoke as Moira rose to give the President’s report. She apologised for the gas – “It was last night’s curry. Tee hee,” she might haven’t said, grinning mischievously – and spoke regarding University Council, Post Graduate Advocacy Cases, Fedex, 10 Billion Dollar Day, and Governance Training.

After roundly abusing the University Council as a bunch of incompetent Evil Old White Men nincompoops, she (maybe) said something forgettable about Advocacy, praised Fedex’s performance in the movie “Cast Away,” said ten billion dollars wasn’t really that much anyway, and who really gives a shit, because it’s the student loan scheme that allows all us maleducated buffoons to attend university 14

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

TEN BILLION DOLLAR DAY: Ms. Iremonger Theme to be sentenced to debt; • -Soup Kitchen • -Ball and Chain • -Volunteers needed (possibly Student Services) • -Cardboard boxes needed – as big as possible • -Speakers needed – any suggestions to be given to Ms. Iremonger.

Nexus suggests that whatever is happening here is dodgy as hell, and students should avoid anything that mentions balls, chains, volunteers and big cardboard boxes in the same breath. Then Mr. Tokunai saw fit to join the meeting. An explanation of his absence was not given. Nexus will provide one: Pure methamphetamine.

Then came the high point of the meeting: Mr Delamere’s eminently sensible resolution - “THAT the WSU pays up to $270.00 for a Nexus representative to cover University Games in Rotorua,” was soundly defeated, 6-2, presumably on the basis that if Nexus doesn’t need to be physically present to report on the WSU meetings, then it really doesn’t need to be present to report on anything at all.

And on that bombshell, Nexus’ spirit got utterly sick of astral-projecting itself into WSU meetings and left.

Txts to the Editor!

Nexus now has an all-new TXT-in service! Send Letters to the Editor - via text - to 021 235 8436. They can be about anything – but if it’s something in the magazine, so much the better. We’ll print the best ones, so get texting! There’s a prize for text of the week as well. We don’t know what it is yet, but it will be awesome.

Don’t forget: You can send Busted pictures in by pxt! Send us your best snaps of you or your mates in Busted-type situations to 021 235 8436.

Do it.

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be kept under 250 words and be received by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be) but if it’s a serious letter we’d prefer you to use your real name. Send letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

and passing, they must be writing said formal pieces relatively well.

So what’s the reason for the absolutely crap writing when it comes to anything outside the realms of academia?

The Grammar Nazi speaks Dear Editor, I really wish you WOULD correct the spelling and grammar of the letters you print. As a first year student, it’s rather disenchanting to know that I’ve voluntarily put myself amongst a group of people who either have absolutely no idea how to correctly use the language most of them have known for the majority of their lives or have no problem with the fact that they’re coming off as complete and utter morons.

I know not everyone who contributes to the letter page is an English major (I’m not), but I DO know that as university students, they all have to write formal pieces, from project proposals to essays and anything else they must hand in in exchange for marks. If they’re still at university De-suckify the Scene Hey I was really interested to read your story about music scene or lack off scene in H town. Iv just recently moved up here from Wellington and originally come from the UK and I’m missing having the option of going out to see some quality music.

I saw there were many good things happening over O-week, which I did not partake in due to a chest infection, but I was hoping there would

Blame it on the internet and text messaging culture all you like, but as an internet user of 10 years and a mobile phone user of 5 who can still form somewhat of an intelligible sentence without any bastardisation (missing letters, abuse of the caps lock key, poor or non-existent use of punctuation, etc), I call bullshit on that excuse.

Got any real reasons up your illiterate sleeves, my (very unfortunately) fellow students?

Very little love and respect, Your Less-Than-Friendly Neighbourhood Grammar Nazi

be some more great bands coming through the Uni or town to get into....?

I am in the process of gathering some ideas to put on a D&B night, (with some possible acts such as The Nomad and/or The Upbeats) either at the Uni or town, but I am now a little reluctant after reading your article and makes me wounder if anyone turn up?

Do you think the Student Union would benefit from a night like this or you reckon it will be a lot of work for not much reward? I’m not sure, but what I do know is there are a lot of house

party’s going on around the streets of Ham East which is a good sign that people want to party, but there does not seem to be many ways to get them into the same venue.

I’m keen to come and talk with you about some ideas if you have the time?

Sal I’ve forwarded your letter on to Carl, the Music Ed. Good to see someone coming up with actual ideas!

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $20 BOOK VOUCHER FROM BENNETTS WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP!

PH 07 856 6813

FAX 07 856 2255

ADDRESS Gate 5 Hillcrest Road

WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

EMAIL wku@bennetts.co.nz ISSUE 05 • 7 08

15

We did it just to wind you up. Be paranoid. Be very paranoid Dear Nexus, A few weeks ago, when I was checking out the WSU Student Diary, I found something that greatly upsets me.

On page 44 of the diary there is a 2008 calendar. This calendar includes every day of the year except one, the 31st of January.

This day is my birthday and is therefore the most important day of the year. And somebody missed it out.

All my friends are making fun of me because their birthdays are in there and mine isn’t.

I want justice.

Lisa Cheer up Ben Delaney cheer up Ben Delaney!

Angus Macpherson The Obvious: Consider it pointed out hi students I want to warn you all about a little something at ASB Bank. You know when you join, and you get that awesome $40? Well... If you’re not careful, you can easily have negative money in your account if you leave any forwarding money in there that doesn’t exsist; ie, student

Too much gas Anthony went to a Service Station and paid $15 for petrol. The assistant put the petrol in and called out it was $54 worth. Anthony couldn’t pay the extra. The service station took his licence number and said he was liable for the extra petrol.

The University branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other hassles you might have. They have heaps of pamphlets and a huge data base to help answer anyone’s questions.

Visit them at the Cowshed from 1pm – 3pm daily during semesters or phone 838 4466 extn 6622 or 0800FORCAB. By the way a contract was made with the Service Station when Anthony paid the $15. The service station made the mistake. Anthony should contact the Service Station’s Customer Service Centre.

loans/ payments to another account. $25 bucks gets taken off left in negative dollars every single time... This may especially happen during the summer holidays when you forget about that sorta thing. That’s how ASB gets RICH and can afford to tempt students with $40 for joining... then once someone has taken the bait, some many students out there with loans/forwarding payments will get stung. Like $200 I was Forced to give to ASB (Big rich company) although I’m a full time student, can’t even get a decent job, especially not without risking good marks, and poor. IT SUCKS! Be aware. Have only one account. And always keep an eye on it.

Me. The first phrase they should learn is “fuck off.”

Dear Nexus What’s with all these Asian girls walking around university in tiny outfits and huge heels? I’m not complaining about theiroutfits in anyway, but when I try to hit on them they claim to not be able to speak English.

Could the Nexus suggest to the Language School that they up their efforts? I’m keen to ‘get to know’ some of these girls and help them get ‘accustomed’ to ‘New Zealand’. Art knows what I’m talking ‘bout.

Yours faithfully Samantha Morse Saudi Arabia is a peace-loving oil utopia, apparently WHO ARE YOU SALLY FOCKER????

Salam Aleykum A traditional greeting of PEACE. My name is Taufiq AbduShafi. I was appaled when I read the letter sent in by Sally Focker, that was printed in the March 31st Issue. [Re: Saudi junket sucks].

I have a lot of Saudi friends. Our university has 260 students from the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

I believe that people are entitled to their opinions. BUT!!!! YOU MUST HAVE PROOF!! If you have NO PROOF, You have NO CREDIBILITY. Sally, WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR FACTS FROM??? HOW CREDIBLE ARE YOUR STATISTICS??? Do you even have Saudi friends??? Do you even know any REAL FACTS about The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia???

I don’t believe you do. All your claims and everything you said in your letter is LUDICROUS. I think you are completely RACIST. You have no tolerance or acceptance of the incredible diversity here at the University of Waikato. I await your response.

Sincerely Taufiq AbduShafi Dude, your caps lock key must be hurting after that one – Ed Let’s see if we can keep the O’week letters going till the end of the year!

Dear Josh, My thanks to Mr David Vesseur for pointing out the error of my ways. Envoking a kind of holy triumvirate of prejudice - the gods of homophobia, ageism and sexism - he labelled me and others “fags” and “16 year old girls” for voicing a complaint or two about the O Week line-up. Faced with the rhetorical quip “who cares?” I can but prostrate

myself upon his wit and beg foregiveness for daring to suggest that folk who are paid to do a job be called to account when they fall a little short

PEOPLE. They earn more than 35k each parent a year, they should be rolling in it!”

of maximum performance.

if the level was something like 100k between the two, i feel there would be greater equity.

Our government is rewarding the losers in life, and its not fucking fair.

Most kids who’s parents are both losers - are also losers/destined to be. and are just wasting everyone’s time - whilst on a free ride through uni from our taxpayers money.

We need to put a fucking stop to discriminative handouts, and raise the threshold - or decrease the age we are being scaled off our parents income. So we, the normal people, can get a share in what’s rightfully ours; and those of us who would put the allowance to good/better use - can start doing so. the time for change is now Sincerely, Dr. T (abridged)

Hopefully my original letter wasn’t just about not getting my own way or wanting to see some good mates on the bill. I attempted to give the issue a bit of historical perspective. The bands that ended up playing on the night in question were perfectly acceptable, competent musicians who deserved their place in the line-up. They play frequently around town and I’ve seen them on many an occasion. What I and many others suggested for that particular gig though was something that went beyond just another O Week night, an acknowledgement of the cultural past. Mr Vesseur clearly hasn’t any more imagination to grasp what I was going on about than the powers that be in the WSU. Richard Swainson.

This bitch bites Dear Nexus, In response to James Brunelle - and his lame attempt at growing some balls and having a say at mine and Moira’s Presidency. Dude, stop being a little bitch and firstly put your real name on your opinion. Own it. And if you feel so strongly, I invite you to come and have a discussion or debate with me about your dissappointment in the way that I served as President. Knowing Moira pretty well, I’d say she would be keen to join us. I am figuering you are from the crew who’s ass I kicked back in 2006 and 2007 who’s old boys network was used to complaining and bitching from the sidelines rather than a) being a real student and researching your pathetic little claims and b) doing anything about it.

So, in closing, I invite you to a debate your arguements and claims. No wait, I dare you.

Sehai Orgad President 2006-2007

WASP kids: Angsty, broke I’m sure i am not the only one that is having/had difficulties with the worthless mother fuckers at StudyLink. prices go up, and yet the loan amount does not. petrol, rent, food, books, supplies - all have gone up in price considerably - yet the reallocated funding has not. leaving us to stray from the task of study and education, and get a fucktard part-time SJS job.

Except those who are lucky enough to get student allowance.

Not me tho. until i am 25 years old, MY LOAN is to be measured off the income of my parents. which is just FUCKED. 25.... that’s ridiculous.

By 25 most people should be well on their way to leading their life (with most, having kids, family of their own, a house, nice cars, partners) - yet according to Studylink, we are to be measured off the success of our parents, and our criteria goes off their COMBINED income (combined.... also ridiculous) so this is saying that the government only wishes to aid the progression of students who come from poor families, and who have parents who are useless low class underachievers - whilst saying “FUCK THE NORMAL

Texts to the Editor Text of the Week Fishy Iz any1 els slytly disturbd by the fact the uni sushi bar staff cn regularly b seen aftr hourz fishn in the putrid uni lake?

Yes. Yes, we are, especially since I just ate there – Ed. Saudi Arabia is a lovely place Dear Editor. Y do ppl thnk that the ‘Saudi Junket’ z rel8d to the violation of human rights. Where do they get thea idea from? Where are thea fakts and stats?

The WSU took my free will away Sup nexus. Y duz Waikato uni n wsu suck. The sucking our money but giving shit all back.. V dnt hav free internet free gym even free will.

V R paying wsu 94bucks n wot do v get bak some shit as orientation which is sponsored n filled up by banking companys wanting mre of our money..From STOP TAKING MY MONEY Crimewatch I just saw 2 asians reverse out of a park and make a large scratch down th side of a black car in the gate1 park. The gapped. The were in a black Subaru [registration number deleted] Um, thanks for the info… You know we can’t arrest people, right?

You’re thinking of the police – Ed.

OK. So we’ve been instructed that the best way to be the best writer is to write a lot every day.

It’s a hard target we’ve been set. On some days I’m far too depressed to even pick up a pen. Other days are too busy or too hot or too hung-over. Like today, for instance. I’m too hot, so I came into the labs to start writing, only to discover that the air-conditioned cell I was in was too cold. The hair on my legs stands up and occasionally an intake of breath will make me feel ill, as the food in my stomach is enveloped by a wave of coldness.

I did just eat a nice lunch though.

I had a PowerAde and a bacon and egg bap. I took them from the cute blonde girl and I walked around the lake, tailing two groundsmen in their weird pseudo-Jeep as they picked up bottles and cans and paper cups (the thought occurred to me that I’ve not seen a young person drinking alcohol from a disposable cup in a long time. I mean, all alcohol comes in its own cup of sorts anyways, so why should we buy more?) and I thought about stopping by the lake where they were working but I saw it was just a giant orange smear and the thought of the work required to

remove whatever kind of aquatic fungus it was made me not want my bap, so I kept walking. I sat on a seat by a different lake. A duck started

putrid, fungus-ridden cess-pool created by the ducks. I once thought that the ducks ate the nofish in the lakes, but have since discovered

to come over to me.

I have come to the conclusion that ducks are nature’s fuckwits. I hate ducks. I think they are the single animal which our world could definitely do without. We should hunt them all down, cook them all up and give them all away to starving people around the world. Except vegetarians and those on hunger-strikes for political reasons. Well, now that I’ve thought further on the fact, I think that maybe, just maybe a vegetarian would eat a duck, seeing the horrid fowl is so much like a vegetable. So we should at least offer the cooked ducks to the vegetarians. I don’t care too much whether they take them or not, as long as no ducks come near me ever again. Except in sandwich form, which I believe to be their natural form anyways. Ducks fuck around all day, floating in water. They rarely seem to be airborne. They just sit there, on the water, looking remarkably dumb, yet constantly alert.

They don’t exactly need to be alert. No cats or dogs can get to them without making a hell of a lot of noise and nofish can survive in the

that nofish actually live there. It’s far too filthy for the fresh-water loving nofish. All ducks have to do is be annoying, which is what this one who came over to me was doing very well.

As it came over to me I started to think about how arrogant and demanding nature’s fuckwit is. It does nothing for a job. I don’t even think it builds nests. It doesn’t clean up, the way ants and small flying birds do. It doesn’t fight evil creatures, like the mongoose fights cobras or honey-badgers fight Satan. It doesn’t guard children from paedophiles, like the terrapin or the giant squid of the deep Pacific. It just floats and quacks and shits and paddles in its own shit and hassles the nofish and finally, when they see you are eating some food (paid for through hard work or at least some kind of labour) they decide that all their floating, shitting and hassling has earned them some of your bap. And they can just fuck right off. No creature on earth deserves your bap less than the feeble-minded duck.

Fuck ducks.

Archers Aqua Schnapps

$9.99

Smirnoff 1L

$29.99

4pk Range

Diesel 5% Bourbon & Cola

$19.99

12pk btls

0800 4 LK DIRECT 0800 455 347 connects you to your nearest Liquor King store! HILLCREST Cnr Clyde & York Sts, Hamilton - Phone: 07 856 9170 - Fax: 07 856 9169 - Email: liquorking.hillcrest@lk.co.nz Valid until close of trade Sunday 13 April 2008 at Hillcrest store only. While stocks last. We reserve the right to limit quantities. Trade not supplied. All major credit cards accepted. Excludes all other promotions % discounts.

18

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

Burton’s take I found it ironic that I’m watching the man from Black Sabbath on possibly the biggest Sabbath of the year. Judging by the thousands in attendance, it seems Ozzy is bigger than Jesus – much like his hero John Lennon.

Poison take the stage and it’s obvious that they don’t take themselves too seriously, judging by the video screen playing shots of bad 80s porn and good 70s martial arts. I hope so anyway as their Tshirts, which are awesome, say “I got Poison’d” written on the back!

I go to the bathroom to take a slash - there’s several drunken Bogans tearing down antismoking posters. Wrong target market! After being in the middle of the crowd for Ozzy my throat feels like I’ve inhaled several packets of cigarettes.

The lights go out and the crowd goes nuts. The video screens flicker like a faulty television and we’re treated to several television and movies parodies featuring the Ozman. I have three favourites. The first being a pisstake of Pirates of the Carribean. At first we all cringe at the

thought of another celebrity endorsement to rival KISS, however the crowd laughs as Jack Sparrow turns out to be Ozzy, who states in his distinctive voice “I’m baaaack” and bites the head off the parrot. The second involves the music video for OK Go’s Here it goes again,

with Ozzy on the tread mill. The third involves the Queen, his head up her skirt, several sucking and blow job motions and cries of “It’s biting me!”

I’m walking in amongst a sea of black T-shirts with my friend. He keeps smoking his joint, describing to me how his cousin followed him into the bushes when he started his joint cause he “saw some Maori going into the bushes and figured he was getting stoned so I thought he’d join him”. He’s dressed similarly to me, except several Heineken bottles are sticking out of his pockets. Emma C Bogan keeps coming over and pulling his shirt back down over the bottles but he’s oblivious. He hands the rest of the joint to a junior Bogan who eagerly takes it as we reach security. We walk straight through security. The spirit of Woodstock is alive and

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

19

well, even in this age of moral panics and finger pointing.

Whitesnake start playing their hit “Here I go again”. The entire stadium erupts and Emma, CJ and I start dancing, spinning wildly and screaming our heads off. Lead guitarist Doug

into the palm of his hand, firmly stamping his authority on the enthusiastic audience.

Changing costumes every few songs, being hanged on stage, dealing out the classics from ‘School’s Out’ to ‘I’m Eighteen’ to Poison”; Alice Cooper set the bar for the rest of the

madness. A very memorable part was hearing two Black Sabbath songs played live, ‘War Pigs’ and ‘Paranoid’. Such a great showman put on such a great show and left no fan disappointed.

Aldrich rocks out with some amazing guitaring, despite looking like Labyrinth era David Bowie, and suddenly I wish I had a denim jacket with cut off sleeves like I did in high school.

Emma and I walk down the street in a procession of black Tshirts. As we walk, a chubby Metaller yells the “brutal” mating call “I fall asleep listening to Deicide, I’m one fucked up dude”. Something tells me chubby is sleeping by himself and will never find a ‘brutal fucked up chick’ to heed his call. Suddenly I feel disgusted, like some sort of Heavy Metal David Attenborough watching the pack reject the rogue’s attempt to gain prestige. I need more beer.

I get back to my mate’s flat and notice there’s a message on my cell phone, it’s from a female friend whose still at the venue…it says IMSOFUKNWASTD! What a great summary of an awesome weekend.

weekend.

A Rock2Wellington after party kept the night going into the wee hours of dawn. Fans mingled together inside the biggest Bogan bar in Wellington. Everybody was still in awe of the show they had just witnessed and wouldn’t soon forget it.

Grant’s take Easter had finally befallen us and every Bogan around New Zealand converged into Wellington city. Day seemed to be night as the streets were filled with black shirts everywhere.

The mood in the city was ecstatic and eager.

The big rock and heavy metal festival to ever hit New Zealand shores, Rock2Wellington.

KISS, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Whitesnake, Poison and Lordi. Two long nights of blistering satanic tunes, one long weekend of mischief and madness in the capital city.

Anticipation was huge as the first band, Lordi, took the stage with an eerie grotesque theme.

The crowd began to boil as the music began to play. Alice Cooper, the villain of rock ‘n’ roll, rose out the ground and took the crowd 20

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

Upon entering the stadium, you could have mistaken KISS for everybody walking around in full make up and costumes. “The hottest band in the land” turned up the heat when they hit the stage. Mountainous stacks of booming amplifiers, a levitating drum kit, midair acrobatics; this was high voltage rock ‘n’ roll like no other. ‘Shout It Out Loud’, ‘Detroit Rock City’, ‘I Was Made For Loving You’; the crowd and the band singing harmonically together.

Fireworks blasting off the stadium, laser-eyed dragons, this was a rock ‘n roll extravaganza.

The second night promised to be something very special; the Prince of darkness performing on Easter Sunday under a full spotlight moon. Kicking off the night was hair-metal band Poison. Remember able love tunes of ‘Every Rose has its Thorns’ got the crowd loosened up. Following was White Snake, who reinforced the theme of love metal. A massive sing-along pursued ‘Here We Go Again’.

But just after Whitesnake wrapped up their set, the night fell dark and gloomy. The full moon rose high into the pitch black sky. The crowd began to boil. A familiar voice came over the speakers telling the audience to go crazy or otherwise he wouldn’t come out. A satirical montage of Ozzy-edited scenes from popular movies and television programmes opened the showman’s set. A then somebody lit a match and the powder keg exploded. Everyone was on their feet moshing and screaming out terrifying yells of excitement. Constant pleas from the Prince to “go crazier”, spurred the fans into a feed frenzy of heavy metal

Vitamin C’s take One of my greater philosophies regarding music has always been that to really appreciate a genre or band, you should not only study the music itself, but its fans. You can gain a lot from not only checking out albums and songs, but from observing what fires up the crowd at gigs and what people take away from the experience. It was with this in mind that I was a little slacked off after leaving the stadium when all was said and done.

There are other people writing about the weekend as well, and I’m sure they’ll all tell you what went on and how great it was.

And it was great; mindblowing even, worth every dollar and so on. Hats off to everyone involved. Picking a favourite gig isn’t easy, I’m leaning towards Uncle Alice for a truly mental stage show, but every time I remember Ozzy playing War Pigs it brings him back to neck and neck for first place. My main point however, is that if you were for some reason interesting in checking out some rock fans, or maybe KISS or Ozzy Osbourne fans, you would have been hard pressed to find some.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I saw way more people wearing KISS makeup than the possible amount of KISS fans that were present, going by audience behavior. The vast majority of KISS makeup people were wearing

the drummer’s Catman design, which suggests that the only familiarity most of these people had with the band was from Family Guy. The only song that the crowd – as a remotely cohesive group – got into was I Was Made For Loving You, which is basically the only KISS

All that said, I was pleasantly surprised at the reception for Lordi, Poison, and Whitesnake.

Lordi had it tough, with their act being the only thing between a rugby stadium full of farmers and an Alice Cooper and KISS concert, but they played their hearts out and people

elbowed the guy next to me in the head out of pure joy. What did everyone else do? My excellent amigo and your favourite potential Doctor of Metal Burton C Bogan rocked equally if not harder than myself, to my left.

To my right, a bunch of people stood there.

song that gets played on Classic Hits. If Austin from 10 minutes in the future came back and told me that KISS hadn’t played God Gave Rock and Roll To You at the end of the set I would have been surprised, maybe felt a little cheated, but once the events of the night had set in there was no surprise. Hardly anyone knew the band or the songs (not enough people to make any noise anyway), so why would they risk playing a sing-along to finish up with? Loving You was a safe bet, but after the previous attempt to get some audience participation with an ol’ acoustic number (and number one hit) was met with drunken whooping, I can see why they didn’t bother.

It got plain embarrassing at some points, like when the band left the stage briefly before the final few songs and the crowd started yelling for an encore. This did lead to a slightly humorous moment as Paul Stanley had to use his KISS voice and find a way to say “We were coming back, the show wasn’t finished!” while still sounding rock and roll. The encore thing is tragic. Every concert I’ve been to ever has had the audience yelling for an encore regardless of how good or crap the gig was, or how much they enjoyed themselves. It’s like they’ve watched too many movies and think that is just what they’re supposed to do. It was the same deal at the Smashing Pumpkins gig, in fact Billy Corgan looked quite amazed that the audience wanted more, seeing as you could actually pinpoint the moment in the gig (about 20 minutes in) when he realized that he was playing to a room full of dickhead yokels who had no idea that Smashing Pumpkins was anything more than the band that played Bullet With Butterfly Wings and 1979.

seemed genuinely willing to give them a go.

Poison was another big surprise; I honestly wasn’t expecting too much from them and even less from the audience, but Bret Michaels was so thrilled to be playing for such a huge crowd that the performance really glowed. He was obviously enjoying himself and it rubbed off on the audience, which was cool. In fact they played longer than they were supposed to, and no-one cared; busting out Talk Dirty To Me brought out all of the closet guitar heroes as well.

Like Jews in a German butchery. Trying to look casual, not moving a muscle, suspiciously eyeing the garlic salami. At one point, Ozzy decided that the crazier we went, the longer he’d play. This was a kick in the balls for me, as one brief glance of the crowd convinced me we’d all be home in time to watch Bill & Ted on C4. He restated this throughout the night, at first reminding us, then later on actually unsure if we spoke the Queen’s English and knew what was happening. He finished on Paranoid, which was nice.

I’ve heard nothing but bitching about Ozzy Osbourne’s gig since the concert, and that really pisses me off. I heard some girl mouthing off the other day about having to listen to a 15-minute guitar solo. You ungrateful bitch. You just got to experience way more than 15 minutes of Zack Fucking Wilde unleashing hell in six strings and you are bitching about it? You should be lining up to suck his dick, like the whore you are, just to make up for the fact that you were probably one of the tramps in the Platinum Pit, right up front, standing there texting your whore friends during what was possibly the best thing that will ever happen in your white-trash, five-kids, well-deserved-domestic-abuse-filled, over-hyphenated life. I should have strangled her with her fucking oversized Supre receipt.

I mean what were people expecting? I’m honestly still considering that the majority of the people bought Ozzy Osbourne tickets expecting to see an old man yell at his family for 2 hours. At the point when Ozzy casually asked if we wanted to hear some Black Sabbath I very nearly self-combusted, and when he announced War Pigs I quite literally

Also: No-one knew the words, chorus, or yelly bits to Detroit Rock City by KISS. Here’s a blues clue for New Zealand rock fans: It’s “Get up!” and “Get down!” That’s all you need to know.

Also also: I can’t even remember who it was now but one of the bands mentioned they’d just played in Australia and everyone started booing. The look on their face was priceless.

I’ve always held New Zealanders in a reasonably high regard with respect to the fact that New Zealand is a small town, yet we aren’t small town people. I came away from Wellington quite confident that I was wrong.

This is a big thing; I’m not wrong very often. It was a real shame that something so huge like this was just too big for our little country. I suppose it’s a good thing that there was a lot of support, that casual fans or bored people went along to boost numbers, but I think overall most of the crowd was there to say they’d seen the acts, rather than actually see them.

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

21

PARACHUTIN’ IN It’s difficult to say why people wouldn’t want to go to Parachute on a yearly basis. It’s got everything - over half a week being crammed amongst 30,000 other people, the ability to ruin every article of clothing you have in an impressive four-day span and people dropping like flies from heat stroke.

This years Parachute Festival was no different, and people can’t seem to get enough. Headlining this year were San Diego surfies Switchfoot, alongside Leigh Nash who claimed fame from the timeless classic ‘Kiss Me’ and Worship superpower Israel Houghton and his band New Breed.

Add to the mix dance-floor rock lords Jonezetta and the throat killing screams of Red, and Parachute was looking pretty well rounded for its best year yet.

Friday night was headlined by Red who blew away audiences with their heavy, epic sound comparable to a male-lead (and better) Evanescence.

While the band was one of the highlights of the festival, many were left pondering the need for fairly heavy eye make-up on singer Michael Barnes. Quietly, I thought it was worth a tentative thumbs up. Prior to Red was veteran Aussie trio Antiskeptic who managed to keep eyes busy with a lesson in stage-owning.

Saturday night, however, was the one the crowds were gearing up for.

Leigh Nash, Jonezetta, Switchfoot and Spacifix was enough to make any Christian music-savvy Parachute goer to salivate. After Leigh Nash lead an intimate show (full of unfortunate coughs and wheezes after the adorable girl from Nashville breathed in a fairly constant dose of dust) 22

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

Jonezetta made an unforgettable appearance as the daylight began to fade. Fairly unknown to most before the festival, they went away as the darlings of Parachute after sending hips side-to-side and giving the crowd 40 minutes of party. The stage was set for Switchfoot.

It might have been jetlag, but Switchfoot seemed to be a notch below what many expected. After amazing crowds in Auckland last year, the band kept the crowds satisfied with a set of classics and songs from their latest release ‘Oh! Gravity.’ A Switchfoot concert was, and still is a pleasing thing to attend, although many had expected more.

Sunday night entertained the countries biggest worship meeting as New Zealand’s Parachute Band and Australia’s Hillsong United had the masses on a high, gearing up for Israel Houghton and New Breed. The Grammy award-winning Israel put on a captivating and fun sing along session as the gospel/jazz/rock group lead thousands in popular worship songs that have been used by crazy amounts of churches worldwide. It was the perfect send off for festival goers, before they would pack up and lead normal lives again from the day after.

2008 was a record-setting festival, with about 30,000 people attending the four-day event. One act for 2009 was announced at the conclusion of the festival – crunk rockers Family Force 5 from Atlanta. Their shows are considered one of the best in the business and will be hard to miss come next year.

Split Enz

at the Vector Arena, Auckland, March 29

I’ve seen both Tim and Neil live with various combos and together before, and they were all shows exciting in their own ways. But nothing prepared me for the excitement and even a kind of relief I would get from seeing the one and only Split Enz live for the first (and probably last) time. Me and my girl were seated 21 rows back from the front, which seemed a relatively good vantage point, especially considering that there were no crazily tall X-Men in our sight path to the stage.

We entered early on into the Phoenix Foundation’s opening stint. First thing I notice is, of course, the sound. It’s a bit muddy, but you expect a slightly less than perfect mix for the support bands. I am a bit of a Phoenix fan so I was happy to hear their songs live, but at the same time I just wanted them to hurry up and go away so that the Enz could get on. Their stage manner didn’t help matters, which reminded me of another band, Pluto, who write some great tunes but are cringe worthy to watch live. And the sound really does matter with a lot of the Foundation’s songs and it wasn’t quite there.

There’s a 20 minute wait as the stage is set for the Enz’s arrival, the lights are on and we’re all mulling and anticipating and finally the room goes dark again. The curtain is raised and on come Split Enz resplendent all in white suits, (which is particularly striking on Tim with his white hair.)

This fact is marvellously compounded anytime he sings alone with the one spotlight on him, as with “I Hope I Never”, “Stuff and Nonsense”, “Charlie”, three of the best songs ever written. When this beautiful image and the gripping sentiment of his lyrics mix with the aroma of the redolent lady in front of us these songs become the only times in the night that I am not smiling, because I am trying to stop tears from pouring down my cheeks. It’s like coming home after a long time away,

finally meeting someone you’ve always wanted to meet, connecting with that moment that has inspired you for so long from so long ago.

There was a sense of half empty in the fact that there was no Phil Judd or Mike Chunn, and all but one of the early Enz songs were absent from the set list, but they played for well over two hours including two 3 song encores. The lack of two key original members coupled with the presence of Neil meant there was a later Enz feel to the proceedings, though Noel Crombie chimed in with some vintage NC antics including a Hendrix-like display of his guitar playing chops and a frickin fantastic finger bending spoon solo.

All the hits were covered of course, all played with consummate aplomb as one would expect from such prodigious talents but special mention must be made of the first ever live performance of a Neil penned tune called “Carried Away”, the masterful key playing of Raynor, the tightness of their hired hands in the rhythm section, the amazing arty backdrops and the absolute commitment these middle-aged men had to giving the audience as much bang for their buck as they could physically manage.

This concert is filed in my mind alongside Radiohead (OK Computer tour) and Tool (1997) as one of the three best concerts I have ever been to.

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

23

Prez Sez … not a hell of a lot Moira Neho

Last week I wrote too much and so Josh used his Editor super power and cut my last question of the week update, but never fear… here it is!

Should the government ban cell phone use while driving?

The only comment I’ve had about this was “do we get a prize if we catch you texting and driving?” The answer is no, you don’t get a prize but you do get to harass me about it for a while if you want. I’ll be honest, the first day was hard. I picked the phone up twice and then dropped it again like it was a hot potato… seriously I think it was more of a hazard then anything. But I’m proud to say that over Easter I went to Napier for the Jack Johnson concert and I didn’t answer the phone

International Students Buy Your Tickets at the WSU

or text while I was driving once! No prizes for me either but I did live to brag about it. *Attention PostGrad students* Something that has been on my mind lately is our Post Graduate students. A few of them have expressed concern because they feel like they aren’t receiving enough support from the university – whether that be through providing space to work in, adequate/sufficient supervision, or just general support.

I’ve started to find out more about this but I need to know if there are more of you in this situation; and if this is university wide or restricted to the 2 schools that I know of. It would also be good to hear about positive experiences that you are having with your post grad studies, and any suggestions that you might have that could be shared with other post grad students.

Question of the Week:

Do you feel that you are getting enough support as a Post Graduate student?

Sentenced to Debt

Deni Tokunai

Tracey Iremonger

International Students’ Director international@wsu.org.nz

To the students of Waikato Uni,

Despite the many positives that New Zealand offers as a study destination for the international student, one possible drawback that is sometimes observed is the simple fact that New Zealand is…well, simply too small.

Now depending on the perspective one takes, this can either be a positive or a negative aspect. In the case of attracting top-notch international music artists, it is definitely a negative. There is nothing more memorable than attending the concert of a home-grown band or artist playing in a foreign country—especially if you’re an international student.

It is a little known fact that the WSU is an authorised Ticketmaster outlet. What does this mean? It means that you can conveniently purchase tickets to various music, sports, arts & theatre, or family functions occurring anywhere in the country right here at the Waikato Students’ Union.

If the concert is being held in Auckland, which is usually the case, then the simple fact that NZ is…well simply too small, is a positive—it’s only a 1 & 1/2hr drive away.

NOTE: Bands that will be playing in Auckland in the next two months: Stereophonics, Foo Fighters, James Blunt, 50 Cent & G-Unit, and Korn.

24

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

Are you hungry? I am. Do you feel that you imprisoned with student debt? I do. Maybe that’s because during the 16 years of the student loan scheme student debt has reached an unacceptable level of 10 BILLION DOLLARS. The perceived impacts of having a Student loan have been researched to have the highest impact when considering the ability to buy a house and savings for the future. It is having considerable impacts on the decision to travel overseas and undertaking future study as well.

We, as students of New Zealand, are SENTENCED TO DEBT and to encounter the visual experience of this, come visit us outside the library this Thursday, 12.30 until 2pm. We are having a soup kitchen so you, as debt ridden students, can have a free feed of soup while supporting our on-going battle with student debt. Come down to see what is happening and join in.

Student Questions Hey, just wondering how the work is split up for members of the WSU Board?

Director is expected to put in a minimum of 10 Hours per week. *Some members also sit on committees

cover for other portfolio’s, and fill in when the President is over booked.

for the WSU depending on portfolio held.

Our Eight Directors.

Each Director has been allocated one or

Vice Presidents

two portfolios that they are responsible for.(example Men’s issues, Mature Students etc) Responsibilities include running events for their particular portfolio, networking with the various stakeholders groups etc. All directors have been assigned associate roles to other portfolios in order to get the work done. Each

Both vice Presidents are expected to do around 20hrs per week. Their roles include assisting with the administration of the board, representation on various committees around campus and at times national bodies (around 10 of them). The vice Presidents also cover the Tauranga and Maori portfolio’s act as general

representation on higher level committees of the University and upon various national boards which relate to students. The President is also responsible to oversee a number of operational issues that relate to the Boards functions as a governance entity including supporting portfolio holders, to be the face of the Board and students on campus.

President

Vice President

Sits on these boards:

Sits on these boards:

Academic Board, Capital Development, Committee, Finance

Alumni Association - Cultural Committee - Foundation and

Committee,Honours Committee, Human Research Ethics

Bridging Programmes Coordinating Committee, Students’

Committee, *International Activities Committee (IAC), Staff

Campus Building Fund Trust Board - TBA, Student Admission

Awards Committee, Students’ Campus Building Fund Trust

Committee, Nexus 2003 Ltd, National Committees

Breakdown of Boards….

President The Presidents role is full time and includes

Board (Chairperson), Te Roopu Manukura, Univerisity Council, U Leisure (Chairperson), Nexus 2003 Ltd (Chairperson)

Vice President Maori

NZUSA Federation Representative

Sits on these boards:

Learner Advisory Committee for the TEC

Admissions Appeals, Te Roopu Manukura

Student Allowance Review Board (SARB) –Waikato

Te Puna Tautoko, Library Committee, Turn-it-in electronic plagiarism committee, Te Mana Akonga, Student Allowance Review Board (SARB)-Waikato

Committee

Director / Person assigned

Adult Learners’ Week Committee

Glen Delamere

Chaplaincy Committee

Whetu Taukamo

Environmental Policy Committee

Rachel Wark

International Student Support Group

Deni T (TBC)

Student Discipline Committee

Assigned by WSU

Special Consideration sub-committee

Assigned by WSU

Postgraduate studies Committee

Assigned by WSU

Research Committee

Assigned by WSU ISSUE 05 • 7 08

25

it’s coming pain fades ... GLORY IS FOREVER

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

27

28

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

With Fergus Hodgson

Sexual Economics and the Demise of Chivalry It’s a market out there, and the times, they’ve been a changing.

As the old saying goes, women use sex to get love, and men use love—and whatever else they can—to get sex. A grain of truth spawns from this saying: sex encompasses deeper motives and an exchange far broader than just physical pleasure and bodily fluids.

Within the expanding field of family economics, sexual relationships are being understood through the lens of supply and demand, just like the market for any other commodity. This method has provided insights into why sexual habits and attitudes have changed so dramatically in developed nations, such as New Zealand, since the 1960s and 70s, and it may even help us to explain why women decry the loss chivalry.

In 1950s New Zealand, the average age when women entered marriage was only 21 years, and only 5% of children were born out of wedlock. Statistics on sexual activity from that period are scant, but needless to say, the sexual marketplace has changed plenty between then and now, and just last week a Nexus columnist noted the non-existence of a dating culture and the general lack of commitment within student relationships. So what has brought on these changes, and on what basis do economists claim to have the answers?

If placing sex into the supply-and-demand model is that basis, we had better clarify who the suppliers and demanders are. You need only ask any woman, but our biology alone dictates that men have a more frequent desire for sex and less to lose from it. Hence, men are the demanders—seeking as much sex for the lowest payment—and women are the suppliers—seeking to reap as much payment from the sex that they do desire.

Wait a minute, you may be thinking; sex isn’t a clean-cut service with a market price, and it

isn’t all one-in-the-same. True, sex does not have a clear market price, but that is due to the concealed nature of the payment from men to women, usually in the form of noncash transfers: from the simple paid-for nights out, all the up way to monogamy, marriage, and a house. Although sex is not all one-inthe-same, substitutability and competition does exist between members of the same gender, and the variation that does exist, as with most commodities, does not impede our use of supply and demand.

As you may be suspecting already, supply from women has increased markedly—so much so that one could describe it as a flooding of the market. The introductions of oral contraception in the late 60s, easy access to abortion in the 70s, and, more recently, the morning-afterpill have all quelled concerns of unwanted pregnancy and facilitated earlier and greatly heightened female sexual activity. Although many women have had moral resistance to changing sexual behaviours, they have been competing for men in a market that no longer affords such a luxury.

When supply increases, the quantity exchanged increases; but alongside this, the value decreases—in this case manifested as a lower payment from men to women. And why not?

If a woman doesn’t want to supply, a man can go elsewhere. Plenty of other women are now supplying, and the market is more competitive.

Consequently, women have reduced sexual power to command what they wish from men.

So, less is being transferred from men to women on account of sex. What has been lost from this transfer? All that women seek from men of course. This loss plausibly includes the romance, adventure, and respect for feminine beauty encapsulated in the chivalry that

eludes today’s women. However, those are a tad difficult to measure. What is a desire that women have from men that is measurable?

Earlier I mentioned births out of wedlock, and support for a woman’s children would appear to be an agreed upon desire and a good place to start. While extra-marital births in New Zealand have now risen to almost 50%, the manner in which these occurred was not recorded. However, broader data is available from the United States, providing a clue as to what is going on. In the event of an extramarital pregnancy prior to the 1960s, half of all US couples would marry before the birth, with most of the rest going on to marry soon after. This commitment to marry and stay supporting children, in the event of pregnancy, was part of the commitment men gave when entering sexual relationships. Even if not given explicitly, it was widely assumed. Only 20% of US couples now marry before the birth of the child, and even this is generous since so many of the extra-marital pregnancies are aborted.

Confirming the supply-increase and pricedecrease explanation, the commitment from men has eroded along with a women’s power to extract one.

Over the last half century, women may have gained power and esteem relative to men within education, politics and business; however, ever more effective birth-control methods and easier access to abortion have meant that women have lost much of their greatest power—their sexual power over men.

Fergus Hodgson has B.A. in economics from Boston University. He currently studies political science and tutors macroeconomics here at the University of Waikato. Feedback is welcome at flh2@waikato.ac.nz.

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

29

Over the last few weeks I have taken it upon myself to try and defend our city of Hamilton. The basic idea behind the column was that I was sick of hearing people going straight to the stereotypes and easy jokes about a place that, having lived here for four years, I’ve discovered a lot below the surface. It’s easy to be funny when bashing something, and even easier to be funny by bashing Hamilton, so I thought I’d try and take a different tack.

LECTERN In Praise of Idleness Dr William Farrimond

You may have noticed that my writing hasn’t been very funny this year. I’ve stopped getting hi-fives from comp-sci students who read the Walkthrough every week last year, and I’ve stopped getting death threats and fan mail from whoever read the Split Decision before that.

But that’s okay; my days of providing environmentally-friendly abortion advice are behind me.

What has ended up happening is after weeks of really trying to dig this place, Hamiltron turned into its robot mode and shat all over everything.

It’s just too fucking difficult to pretend that Hamilton is anything but an unholy festival of guttersluts and gluesniffers. It’s just the truth. If New Zealand cities were rappers, Hamilton would be Soulja Boy. Wellington would probably be Kanye West, Auckland would definitely be Snoop Dogg, Christchurch would be Louis Armstrong, Jr., but Hamilton and the people in it (that includes you) has to be the most offensively banal, talentless, ringtone-marketed waste of DNA in the whole spectrum of a once great, now bastardized genre.

The weather right now is a bitch. You probably knew that. The beautiful irony here is that while we are enjoying a long period of distinctly non-Hamilton weather, it is actually worse that the familiar doom and gloom of a Waikato winter. Hot muggy air can go suck a fat one. It’s kind of like vegan pizza. Vegan pizza achieves its goal of being vegan (although not really – it comes in cardboard, and deforestation hurts the cuddly animals), but fails miserably in the overall Pizza goal of not tasting like ball sweat. That didn’t actually relate to Hamilton, but it did remind of how hypocritical most vegans are.

So I’m not entirely sure if I get this or not. Not many people admit to actually being born and raised here. In fact the two or three people I know who have told me that they did grow up here are actually fine.

It’s almost as if people come here for whatever reasons I have previously explored and submitted to the city on arrival. It’s like people feel driven to live out their expectations of the city. In fact, it’s actually like that movie where a sorcerer lives in a secret mansion and when people move to the city he knows about it right away and he casts a spell to make them fit right in and never want to leave. I think it was Sex in the City: The Movie. I here and now vow to get to the bottom of this mystery and unmask the sorcerer, and defeat him (or her?) in battle. Watch this space.

On the morning of my 18th birthday, I woke up a bit later than usual.

As a rehearsal for the celebrations of the actual day, I had spent much of the night before together with Susan, I think it was, and my best mate Leon and his girlfriend, reclining in the steaming waters of Waiwera hot pools. Blackberry Nip had eased things a bit and I was living the spirit of my tutorial assignment on Wordsworth even if I hadn’t actually started writing it. Between nips and The House of the Rising Sun on the transistor, the night was a good one. Anyhow, I woke up on birthday morning to find a book, a gift from my parents, by my pillow. I suppose they thought a book was appropriate for a student in his first year at university and maybe the title carried a message of some sort. It was called In Praise of Idleness. With apologies to the author, Bertrand Russell, and inspired by a few fond memories of the night before, I believe the quality of idleness merits revisiting. Who knows who might today be waking up with a bass-beat head pain and an assignment deadline to meet, and see a glimmer of hope in the idea “that immense harm is caused by the belief that work is virtuous”, as Russell puts it.

And, think of the potential this offers to justifying late submissions!

Russell writes about the nature and quality of work in personal, social and political contexts. He is a persuasive essayist and well worth a glance, even if he was writing in 1935 about another time and in another country; and bedsides, that wench is dead, with apologies, this time, to Christopher Marlowe. The students I meet at Waikato are most often industrious hard-working. Intelligent, and challenging; they keep me on my toes and I continue to learn from them, even if it is only to stop making references to olden things. Russell called for a 4-hour work day as a way of checking the cult of efficiency and profit-making which was evident then and is prevalent now along with all the delights of rampant consumerism. His call was not heeded, it never happened but, maybe, it’s not too late to learn, especially in the defined environs of our university world. University life is so different from life in the world at large that we sometimes lose track of the problems of ordinary men and women, and very often we develop ways of talking about the world in a language which has little or no meaning off-campus (Russell again).

So, I am suggesting four hours study a day, instead of struggling with the guilt of not having done eight, as a way of increasing productivity and creating more ‘leisure’ time for meaningful interaction with the real world. There’s always Waiwera hot pools as a start …

Dr William Farrimond is the Convener of Theatre Studies at the University of Waikato.

30

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

nerdery.

Jed Laundry

Now, if you’re reading this, it means this is a week from when I’m writing this, and by now I’m stressing out about the Imagine Cup presentation on Thursday, and about beating all the other teams for the pride of the Uni. So, if at anytime during the week you feel like buying me or my fellow competitors a drink, it would be much appreciated.

And, of course, don’t forget to vote for us at http://www. microsoft.co.nz/imaginecup So, this week I’m going to go out and say it: You, the average computer (ab)user, are an idiot.

English you’re used to, with all the punctuation and usefulness. I’ve written about this problem before, but people just don’t seem to get it.

People who, I’m pretty sure, read Nexus. People who pride themselves on how quickly they can solve the puzzles.

Who knew that the user guide which came with your overpriced hunk of crap that you ‘had to have’ actually details things like installing Windows when you epically fail. Or what numbers you’re supposed to call to get tech support (the reason why you paid twice as much as you needed to).

These weren’t written for tech-heads, but users like you, all you have to do is read it and absorb the knowledge goodness.

It’s not an easy thing to do, call users idiots. Wait, well, actually yes, yes it is. See, I was asked 3 times this week to help solve 3 different problems, but all with the same symptom; stupid user syndrome. Its often caused by people not understanding that things are written in English. Not French, not Japanese, not Esperanto, but English. Of course, its not the

I’m not saying all users are idiots, as thankfully there are the ones who come to me with actual problems that take me an hour or so to solve.

But before you start txting / MSNing me, it would pay to quickly read through all that gibberish. Oh, and on a personal note I’ve finally gotten around to fixing up my site, properly. Hit me up if you want a lesson on CodeIgniter, its awesome ^ 1337. Last but not least, PointUI FTW.

By Vincent Goldstein (formerly Blitz Dynamite)

sexy ankles. Other clothing hits with the ladies include my tiger slippers, silver waist coat and my gold bow tie that spins. Sadly my Mohawk that used to be a huge hit with the ladies has crumpled over, and now looks like a giant comb over. So I shaved it off and got an ‘alternative wig’.

Sadly they tried to kick me out last week. I was playing some songs from a hip new band called Whitesnake at sound level 1 and it was deemed too loud. So I tried to turn down everyone’s hearing aid but was caught part way through. I get no respect, and I told them so in my most recent letter to the Daily News. Speaking of which, no one has answered my advertisement yet. I am currently seeking go-go dancers for my re-re-re-reunion tour. They must know my music. Sadly that means the average age needs to be about 90. That means the tour will have to be postponed so I can save my pension that little bit more. Hip replacements cost a lot of money and if I want motion in the ocean those go-go dancers will have to be able to shake and not break.

It ain’t easy.

Until next time

Burton’s still resting from Rock2Wellington, so he asked me to write Boganology this week. Due to Rock2Welly featuring so many legends, I thought it might be prudent to share what it’s like to be an aging rock legend (retired).

I woke up this morning and make a bowl of Metamucil with a sprinkling of cornflakes. It keeps me regular and often I can’t find my custom dentures (complete with fangs). The Metamucil keeps me regular. I read it in a book somewhere. It’s on how to be a retired member of the community. This retirement community doesn’t seem to like me, mainly because my gold g-string style adult depends do not make a very good impression on the other male residents. It works a charm on the female residents, as they remember their mums dropping them off at my concerts years back. I get more loving now then I ever did.

Specially on talent show nights when I rock the old folks home, well I slightly gyrate, well no, let’s face it, I mumble a bit and then collapse and need resuscitation. Just like my younger days but this time it’s not due to heroin overdose. Nowadays I get shooting pains down my right side when I see those Burger King ads with the young ladies in bikinis. Such

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

31

Dear Agony Art Why is everything you write about such a dirty subject? Surely you’re better than this. Some of us students are proper people who are disgusted by the filth you spew forth into an otherwise wholesome magazine.

Mike Mitchell Dear Agony Art Will getting my picture printed in the back page of Nexus make me more likely to find the guy of my dreams? I’m all alone and I need some man-stick to make my life worth living.

Cynthia Cumspittleberg Dear Miss Cumspittleberg To start with, the chances of you finding a guy (with a last name like yours) are pretty slim. I suggest you change your surname to something more like “Sweetasson” or “Tightyetstillmoistvaginastein”. Your current name brings to mind bukkake. Grubby. If you don’t know what bukkake is, it’s no wonder you’re struggling to find a man. But, in response to your question, getting your photo in the back of the Nexus is far more likely to make you the target of some high-powered pants shuffling in the IJK Block toilets during Cultural Hour on a Wednesday than it is to attract a good man. The logic behind this is that if you look sluttish in the photo, you’re going to attract the wrong kind of guy. On the other hand, if you look prudish, you’ll attract no guys. And if you’re kissing a female in the photo, you’ll attract a deep-seated feeling of remorse and a desire to never drink with Becky ever again. Or your mum.

Blair Munro doesn’t like t-shirts, and here’s why you shouldn’t either.

You know what really grinds my gears?

T-Shirts. I’m not saying we should all walk around naked, least of all those of us in possession of a Y chromosome. But I cannot stand those “humorous” shirts, depicting cartoon animals, and “funny” slogans. The ones that girls wear when they’re trying to be cute. They just piss me off. Who do they think is going to laugh? I’ll tell you who’s laughing. Idiots. That’s all. Whatever happened to wearing a plain coloured shirt, with a jacket over the top? James Dean wasn’t the coolest fucking guy in the black and white movie era because he wore a crappy $15 shirt with a monkey sporting a fart-bubble on it. “Don’t swallow your gum?” What the fuck is that?

Pictures only detract from the severity of the message you’re trying to deliver.

And half the time, the message isn’t even important: “Back off buddy, the chocolate’s all

32

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

Dear Barry There’s a perfectly good reason why everything I write is so filthy and that reason is ‘I love sex’. Love isn’t even a strong enough word. If you could compress “fucking”, “awesome”, “love” and “I need it all the time” into a single word, that word might be strong enough to express the reasoning behind the filth. And I most certainly am not “better than this”. If anything, I’m far worse than this, but Josh keeps editing out all my REALLY dirty stories. (There are some things the world just doesn’t need to know – Ed) I didn’t lose my virginity until I was almost 18 and I’ve been working hard to make sure I don’t find it again, resulting in me having sex about once a week since that glorious day when my girlfriend decided to let me inside her with my Double Cheese Sizzler instead of just my fingers. In short, if you don’t like the column, then don’t read it.

It’s not exactly hard to avoid. It’s the page which burns your eyes slightly when you look at it. I call it “visual gonorrhoea”. Enjoy.

mine!” has got to be one of the most inane and indefensibly pointless slogans I’ve seen on a shirt since the development of clothing.

That shit isn’t cute, or funny, and it certainly won’t get you laid. The only message that could possibly convey is that you’re a psychotic sugar-obsessed bitch that cares more about carbohydrate loading than friends, or people in general, let alone sex.

I’ve got much better slogans for shirts. If someone decides to make any of these into shirts, I’ll take a Large. How about “Coprophagia: Taking everything you love about sex, and shitting on it.” Or “Necrophiliacs: The people who killed the sex industry.” For the extremist atheists, who scorn those who accept a higher power: “What would Jesus do? Hang on a cross and die!”

Don’t buy into these cut-and-paste shirts, people! Be an individual, make your own! I defy anyone to make a shirt that just repeats the F-word over and over, in varying sizes. Shit, I’ll have one of those too. Or my favourite: “If I’m having a bad day, and you’re making it

worse, I’ll shoot you in the colon and scream at you.” Let’s put the wankers on the top floor of some clothing brand company (who spend all their time thinking of more ways to dumb the minds of teenagers with shitty slogans) out of a job, and into hospital with a good kick to the face.

Also, next time you threaten someone, do me a favour, and be specific. None of this “I’ll beat the shit out of you!” Something like “I’ll break your nose, then write a novel on the road with your blood, etc. etc.” or “I’ll shoot you in the colon and scream at you.” While I’m on the subject of being a threatening badass, as well as T-shirts, to all you big, tough, shit-eaters who brag about bench-pressing cattle, and wear ridiculous looking, tight-fitting shirts to exaggerate your shaped protein sacks, SCREW YOU! Be a real man, wear flannel, like Chuck Norris and Al Borland, style a Mohawk like Mr. T, or wash your hands with steel wool and lemon juice. Like me.

By Kirill

vitaminC

Cooking is awesome. Naturally it follows that people who can cook are also awesome…like me.

Since people seem to like Italian food, that would be awesome place to start in your transformation to becoming the Miss Congeniality of my heart. But before we begin, we need to understand a quick fact, the stuff we consider Italian food probably isn’t very Italian (and less so when you make it). Because of this, we can take certain liberties with the cooking and ingredients, while still passing of as Italian food.

With that out of the way, let’s get down to business. First thing you need is a moustache and arm hair. When you talk makes sure you end you words in vowels and gesticulate with your arms, this makes your food more authentic. As an example, I would serve the food as such, “Hey

Grand Turismo 5 – Prologue hit the PSN store last week, finally giving Gran Turismo fans a bigger taste of what’s to come when the actual Gran Turismo 5 is released sometime in 2009. The Prologue version is kind of a lead-up to the actual game; it’s fully functional, but with a fraction of the cars, tracks, and events. The idea is that people can get used to the game, earn some money, and buy some cars so that they have a bit of a head-start when the game proper is released. The question: is a fraction of a game worth NZ$70? Answer: Yup.

you shutup-a. Now sit down-a and eat da spaghettiiii!...bapidiboopa”, while shaking my arms and holding a rolling pin.

With the most important matters out of the way, we can get down to the minor detail of cooking. One you master three basic recipes for pasta sauce you can vary them infinitely to create a whole bunch’o stuff that you can just make names up for.

First, tomato sauce. Quickly sauté some onions and garlic in olive oil, then add any form of tomato based stuff. Simmer until it’s as thick as you want it. That’s it, you can’t go wrong. Once that is mastered, try making it taste good, by adding other vegetables like capsicum, mushroom, carrot, eggplant. Just remember the softer a vegetable is, the more it will go soggy, so soft stuff goes in later, unless you of course you like the feeling of falling into a boneless orgy.

Alfredo is also easy. Melt about 50 grams of butter, add about 250ml cream. Let that simmer while you constantly stir, keep on doing that until the two mix and no longer looks “grainy”. Then melt in about 100g of Parmesan cheese. Stir around…stir some more…serve immediately.

Carbonara is just as easy as the last two, but has you moving around the kitchen more…so you look like you know what you’re doing, like me.

Cook bacon, then chop it up. Mix eggs and cream (try about an egg per serving and enough cream to whiten it out). Sauté onions and garlic.

Throw the spaghetti (with enough force to splash oil on you bare chest) into the onions, add bacon. Pour the egg mixture on top, toss around so it doesn’t turn into an omelet, but still cooks. Once it’s all coated and slightly cooked, serve it up.

vehicles than most full racing games. There are a half dozen tracks (forwards and reverse) and they seem to be a step forward from the traditional formula i.e. if the track has ‘Speedway’ in its name then you speed along the straights and then throw out a couple of Hail Marys as the corners come up, otherwise hold down the accelerator and press the brake if the car isn’t turning fast enough.

The main reason is that even though this is just a slice of the action, there is a lot of stuff going on. There are about 20 car manufacturers with most of them having 3 or more cars each. This is way more

I’ve never called myself a Gran Turismo fan, yet I’ve somehow ended up owning every Gran Turismo that has been released, even though the series is one thing that can guarantee to get me swearing at the TV. The series is touted as the “real driving simulator” which roughly translates to “every car behaves precisely like a muddy cunt”. It appears the designers are trying to discourage buying a badass machine and slaying all of the competition this time around, which I’m not sure I can get behind. The elephant in the room is the notable absence of the series’ infamous silver bullet, the Mitsubishi 3000GT, so it will be interesting to see if it makes the cut for the final game.

Online racing is an entirely different beast, as “real”, “driving” and “simulation” go right out the window. I haven’t finished all the offline events yet so am forced to race in the beginner races, and if you can imagine what Nascar would be like if every driver was Soulja Boy then you have an idea of what these races are like.

There are aesthetic improvements as expected - some of the standouts include a mouth-watering in-car view (finally!), actual living people populating the racecourses and driving the cars, as well as the ability to look around to the left and right to see what the other cars are up to. Possibly the best use of this is to look into another car as you pass it, and laugh as the driver steadfastly stares straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact, perhaps because he is the guy from ReBoot in a state of denial that a computer game exists that would put him in a Suzuki Cappucino in a race against a Ford GT. Finally, the music deserves a brief mention: The light jazz in the menus raises elevator music to an art-form. It’s absolutely brilliant. The pre-race stuff is cool as well, while the usual crap plays when you are racing.

Hopefully the final product lets us load up MP3s from the hard-drive.

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

33

book review Title: My Steve Author: Terri Irwin Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers Ltd $49.99 Love him or hate him, there is no denying Steve Irwin changed the face of global conservation efforts with his bold personality and genuine passion for fauna and flora. In this moving tribute to her late husband, Terri Irwin retells with humour and emotion Steve’s life and their love in her book simply titled “My Steve.”

From his childhood growing up at the reptile park started by his parents, to wrangling crocodiles in the wilds of the Australian bush as a teen; working with dangerous animals was completely natural to Steve.

The book profiles his many adventures around the world, filming for his immensely popular TV series and grappling on a day to day basis with some of the most venomous, treacherous creatures in the animal kingdom.

But it is the sorrow so simply and honestly told by Terri, on learning about Steve’s death by a stingray barb to the heart that was for me was the paradoxical highlight of this book. Terri lays herself and her emotions bare in the retelling of this horrific time in her life; a brave and gutsy move for a woman now being hounded by rumour and gossip hungry magazines eager to sniff out a scandal.

An honest open account of her life with one of the most “in your face” personalities, My Steve by Terri Irwin is a big hearted, humorous and tender story that will be essential reading for fans of this dynamic Wildlife Warrior with the famous “Crickey!” catchphrase.

Title: Change of Heart Author: Jodi Picoult Publisher: Allen and Unwin $37.99 It is almost impossible to walk passed a bookstore or airport gift shop without seeing a Jodi Picoult novel. So phenomenally successful is the New York native that the first edition print run of her new novel Change of Heart was one million copies and debuted at number one on the New York Times Best Seller list.

Picoult sticks to her winning formula of moral dilemma meets legal question in this, her 15th novel.

Change of Heart sees Shay Bourne on death row for the murder of a five year old girl and her police officer step-father. Shay sees a chance to redeem himself when the young victim’s sister needs a heart transplant.

Problem is the State of New Hampshire intends to execute Shay via lethal injection which would render his organs unviable.

The book is told from four points of view. Maggie, the lawyer assigned to Shay’s case, June, the mother who lost her daughter and husband to the murder and the mom of the girl needing the transplant, Father Michael, Shay’s Roman Catholic Priest who also happened to be on the jury which convicted him, and Lucuis who occupies the cell next to Shay.

It takes some time to get used to the jumps in point of view which coincide with changes of font for each narrator but once you get passed this, it is exactly what you expect from a Jodi Picoult novel: gritty, emotionally charged and thoroughly compelling.

34

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

cafe review You know, dawdling down Victoria St on a Sunday morning there is something of a jubilant buzz in the air. Taking a sneaky peak at what everyone is eating and drinking can be a glimpse into people’s lives. For example, on this particular sunny Sunday morning, there is the couple sitting outside Iguana. ‘He’ is having a rather exquisite looking salmon eggs Benedict and a long black, while ‘She’ is having butter chicken and a glass of white wine…intriguing.

Strolling into Scott’s, your not quite sure where to go – the whole long and narrow café bit doesn’t work for me. I am a big fan of not having to walk past people who throw almost judgmental stares at you as you walk past, you feel as if you’ve interrupted almost every conversation in the room. Everything looked pretty standard, the normal array of sweet and savory offerings and a full breakfast/brunch/lunch menu available.

Prices were pretty reasonable on that note, $13 for two coffees and a piece of cake.

One big thing in Scott’s favor is that they, like me, are all about presentation. Everything was looking very attractive. Coffees were served in tall glasses. The chocolate, coffee, milk and creamer were all layered so that you could have the pleasure seeing it all swirl into each other when you stir it. After all of that visual excitement I was amped about actually trying the coffee, and while it was a tad too sweet for my liking it was still very pleasant.

The cake looked a little past its best, maybe a day older than it should have been and I think that if it had a personality it would have been quite sad. Still, it had a very pretty swirl of caramel and (sweetened) yoghurt all over it, which all looked very attractive with its marble-like patterns. My only minor qualm here is that it really ickles me when they put the garnish right onto your food, especially when it is sweetened yoghurt and caramel. It really destroys the flavor as there is no way to effectively remove it without looking completely neurotic.

So the scores for this week: Service 9/10 Food 6/10 Coffee 6.5/10 Atmosphere 8/10 So a very reasonable 29.5/40 for Scott’s Epicurean, and it is a great café.

The only thing was the atmosphere, while the staff were friendly and it is very clean and tidy; there wasn’t any ambient music which makes conversation stall in those quiet patches as you don’t want a room of people to hear what you are talking about.

You may be asking yourself at this point why you have walked past it so many times and not actually gone in. And the reason, in my opinion, is that while it is great for your parents and your lecturers, it just isn’t a place you want to spend your weekly coffee budget on. For me it just lacks that…Je ne sais quoi.

Peace out Players, Thunder McLOUD!

“The Beast” exists at the nexus of art film and porno.

Beginning with a startling sequence of equine copulation, with enormous horse cocks and pulsating vaginas, it announces an intent to use bestial imagery to explore human sexuality. What follows could only be called subtle if your name was Benny Hill. A black man servant at a large estate has his efforts to service his master’s daughter repeatedly interrupted, forcing the young lady to rub herself off on the furniture (shades

puzzle; in “The Beast” Walerian Borowczyk goes further, literalising the metaphor with a giant close-up of floral bud meeting flesh bud.

of “Mandingo” style racism here). Another curious virgin, aroused by snapshots she’s taken of the aforementioned stallion’s erection, is stymied when attempting self pleasure.

Later on she masturbates to conclusion with the head of a rose. In “Citizen Kane” Orson Welles was content to use the term ‘rosebud’, William Randolph Hearst’s nickname for his mistress’ clitoris, as the key to his narrative

“Immoral Tales” and preceding the lamentable “Emmanuelle ‘77”.

Borowczyk had a curious career. Beginning as a respected animator in his native Poland in the 1950s he had a successful middle period in France in the late 1960s and early 1970s as a surrealist, with films like “Goto, Island of Love” and “Blanche”. Thereafter the libido took over and he slowly became the art house equivalent of a soft core pornographer, achieving his nadir with “Emmanuelle” sequels. “The Beast” was made in 1975 and can be seen as a transitional film, following the somewhat well thought of

Clearly Borowczyk is attempting to put a Freudian spin on the Little Red Riding Hood and Beauty and the Beast fairy tales. In “The Beast”’s most celebrated scene, which functions as both flash back and dream sequence, a young woman in period dress is

accosted in the forest by a giant Sasquatchlike creature who sports a ridiculously large, permanently rigid phallus. To the jaunty tune of a Scarlatti harpsichord number she’s chased, disrobed, orally enjoyed and then agressively taken from behind. However, something a bit more sophisitcated is going on than mere rape fantasy. Afterwards, not satisfied with her intial bout of bestiality, the woman seeks to continue intimacy. Her comparitively little feet arouse more than his big foot, she fellates him, and, eventually, fucks him to death.

The climax of the film in more ways than one (Borowczyk does not stint on the white ooze), the sequence manages to be comic, erotic and symbolic all at the same time. The beast himself has about as much credibility as a pantomime horse, functioning more as a bizarre representation of repressed sexuality’s aggressive return, and eventual taming.

“The Beast” is proudly stocked on DVD at Auteur House.

FILM REVIEW - By Joshua Drummond

3:10 To Yuma is that impossible thing; a Western which manages to be true to the Western ideal while retaining a post-modern sensibility. That’s a very Screen and Media Studies 101 sentence, so I’ll break it down: The film has bang-bang gun fights, chases on horseback, good, bad, and ugly men – everything we associate with the classic western – and yet it never insults your intelligence.

The story is simple. Broke rancher Evan (Christian Bale) opts to make some moolah escorting the charismatic but morally bankrupt outlaw Ben Wade to the 3:10 train to Yuma prison. The plot builds in layers, as the motley gang that joins Evan is destroyed from the

inside out by Wade – all while Wade’s gang relentlessly rides them down. Throw in family tensions, a terrifyingly corrupt bounty hunter (Peter Fonda, who plays the part of a staunch Christian/mass murderer without a trace of pathos) and Wade’s own insidious take on morality, and you have all the ingredients for a killer Western, destined to become an instant classic. (It’s also based on a 1957 film of the same name and plot) Killer about sums it up, too. Not to give any of the plot away, but pretty much everyone dies.

There’s a lot of talk of dying with honour and glory, but in the end, death is all there is. It’s done amazingly well, particularly the climactic

scene. You know it’s coming the whole film, but when it does, it blows you away. Literally.

The cinematography (by Phedon Papamichael) and direction (by Walk the Line’s James Mangold) inspire throughout. The harsh Arizona desert landscape is as much a major character as any of the actors, and gets plenty of screen time. Filmed in winter, the snowy desert is as cold and lifeless as the implacable sociopath and Wade’s right-hand man Charlie Prince, played to perfection by Ben Foster, as he hunts down Evans and his troupe. The Western has been an unpopular genre for some time, but a rush of good movies like Yuma and There Will Be Blood might see it revitalized.

ISSUE 05 • 7 08

35

Colour Is Its Own Reward And just like that, six weeks flew by. Have you noticed that time moves fast yet? Thanks to those who wrote to me after last week’s column, I am always keen to get feedback.

Mercifully enough there are a few shows on in the holidays (I shudder to think of it as a recess). Cool shit has always happened on April 12 and for more proof you need look no further than Ward Lane this Saturday night where Nick’s Music Basement Launch Party (in aid of a new online store kicking off in cyber space soon) is happening. The show is FREE and features the folksy BearCat, latest “up and coming”

band Collapsing Cities, who reside in AK but are off to Oz soon, Phony Bone, 4-piece Auckland outfit who one might place in the all consuming indie-rock bracket and the seemingly ubiquitous (at least according to the archives of this column) locals Dick and the Doppelgangers who, if you haven’t seen them yet, do happen to sport a multi-musicallytalented frontman.

The following Saturday, April 19, if you haven’t already got the fuck outta Dodge to make way for the flying mullet brigade, you can rock up to the Meteor for the V8 Super Gig. Have your mosh stance at the ready for perennial Hamiltown favourites Chuganaut (who have a new album out called Album 11:11 One, available at CDs4Nix), Eqwanox, Morrinsville rockers Outshine along with out of towners Sinate (features former members of 8 Foot Sativa), Miscreant and more. Tickets

to the show are a measly 20 bucks, doors open at 6 for a midnight finish, you can buy drinks, eat food and the Meteor will have full security.

Last but not least they’re just chronologically challenged, Salmonella Dub play at Altitude Bar on Thursday, 24th April, with support from Budspells. If you don’t already know, Budspells are a dub/reggae/ rap/trance outfit brought to life by two kiwis, Kyle and Ant, living in Sydney in 2002. Since then they have played a lot of reciprocating shows with the roots reggae faction in NZ and Oz. Tickets to that show are available online at ticketek or down at yer friendly CDs4Nix store (plug!).

That’s me, I’m outties for now. Have a good rest up at mum’s.

Song of the week: “Fingers of Love” by Crowded House off the album Together Alone.

CD Reviews Stereophonics

Amy Winehouse

Pull the Pin (Virgin Records)

Back to Black (Universal)

Purely for the fans, this latest effort from Stereophonics (released late ‘07) doesn’t give the impression it’s meant to be pushing any musical envelopes. The 3-piece Welsh rocker’s sixth full-lengther begins with a coupla neo-grunge crunchers that almost sound convincing before showing us where they make their money on Track 3. “It Means Nothing” has those familiar Kelly Jones kind of melodies sung with the right amount of husk that we loved coming out of him in “Dakota”.

Squeezed between this and the similar “Daisy Lane” is “Bank Holiday Monday”, an attempt at punk anthem that is too well produced to make you wanna pierce your fraenum or spray paint yer homohawk green.

And it is this uneasy dichotomy that defines and often disfigures this album. Perhaps the critics have got to them and they aren’t confident enough to hit back with anything harder than brickladen handbags, but their apprehension has seeped into the music and into my ears on Pull The Pin. You’ll have to go back to 2001’s Just Enough Education to Perform to find a better balance of snarl and sentimental but there are still some damn good songs on this one.

“What kind of fuckery is this?”

Perhaps never a more salient nor satisfying line was sung, it certainly stuck in my mind after hearing Winehouse croon it third song in on Back to Black, her debut release. In every song anger is barely restrained at her lips, an anger borne of frustration at that old devil love and her inability to escape substance dependence; her self-pitiful resignation is so poignant at times that it could cause you to spill a few empathetic tears. Much much more than the pithy mainstream friendly “Rehab”, this album is a fully realised piece of art. It expresses the thoughts and feelings of the artist and manages to mingle with the listener’s experience to create an emotional dialogue that merges at the portrait. Underpinning all of this is of course some fabulous production and musical arrangement that brings Winehouse’s soul and motown influences together with modern instrumentation and engineering sensibilities to create a glorious evolution in sound.

Hamilton's newest and biggest

CD DVD & Vinyl store 07 839 4435 PHONE

CORNER OF WARD AND VICTORIA ST , HAMILTON

Bender’s Big Score – Dwayne Carey-Hill

The Future Is Unwritten – Julien Temple

I’m a huge Futurama fan, so this review may come across as a little biased. I can assure you that it’s not: There’s no need for bias because Futurama is so awesome.

If you haven’t heard The Clash, you have probably heard of them: the basics are that they were at the forefront of the English punk movement in the late 70’s and early 80’s, and they were huge. This documentary is about Joe Strummer, the front man for the group, and the real beauty is that you don’t need to know anything about the band or what went on back then. At various points throughout the film all the details just seem to be suddenly apparent.

We get a quick rundown on what has happened in the last two years: The incompetent executives at the BOX Network “cancelled” the Planet Express delivery service, until recently they were fired for their own incompetence and the crew has been re-commissioned for more delivery episodes.

If you’ve followed Futurama, you’ll have an idea about the time-travel-y episodes and the minute attention to detail that the story writers and animators have gone into in order to make a completely consistent narrative. The main plot thread of this film is another time travel thing and this consistency applies right through the whole thing. In fact, paradox-free time travel (and the maths and physics behind it) is a major plot point, which makes for some mind bending moments, but by the end it’s easy to get your head around what happened. The other great Futurama card that gets played is the touching emotional moments.

They’ve been sprinkled throughout the series, and the emotional core of each character provides a great springboard for their individual brand of comedy, which I think is what makes the characters much more endearing and believably funny than a gallery of characters with a gag and catchphrase each. This film takes everything a step further, intertwining the romantic and time-travel plot-threads (I never thought I’d ever write that) into a touching bittersweet conclusion. This is just before Bender sets up the cliffhanger ending to end all cliffhanger endings.

The DVD package itself is great regarding content. The feature is in widescreen, which is really taking off as far as animation goes; the Simpsons looked beautiful, and while the Futurama art itself hasn’t lifted its game to the same extent, it’s harder to tell whether a scene was animated traditionally or with the cell-shaded 3D models, which makes for some breath-taking moments when the scale or setting changes rapidly. There’s the usual cast commentary for the feature but the extras are really something else, like a lecture on the math in Futurama, and a full (22-minute) length episode of ‘Everyone Loves Hypnotoad’

My greatest impression from the film was that it is was a documentary really should be, as opposed to what they often are: a big collection of facts. You won’t learn anything from watching it, you won’t be able to act like an expert on The Clash; you’ll have gotten to know Joe Strummer a little better. Not just who he was, but what he was like.

The director was apparently a friend of Joe’s in his later life, so while the elements of a tribute are evident, it doesn’t get in the way of an exploration of what actually went on in the subjects life.

The film starts at a cold open, with some sound-bites from people sitting around a fire, recordings of Strummer on his radio show, and footage of the times as well as of films. It’s very disorienting at first, and a few people might be turned off by this. The people doing the talking aren’t identified at all, and the footage cuts from what seems to be home videos of Strummer as a child to footage from the 1984 film adaptation, as well as the animated Animal Farm. What this does for the viewer, however, is force them to really listen to what is being said. It is impossible to make a contextual judgment on what the talking heads are saying because we don’t know who they are; the people chuckling at fond memories or talking about something he did to piss them off could have been his friends, family, early band-mates, lovers or teachers.

As the timeline moves along to his early band days this alienation fades a bit, you can start to piece together who all these people are and you then find yourself with new perspective on their comments, and a very genuine sense of what this guy must have been like through his interactions with various people. I can’t stress enough that it really is worth getting through the first 20 minutes if you find yourself switching off.

Check it out even if you have nothing to do with punk: It’s a wellcrafted study into a man who blew the boundaries of a genre name out of the water.

Hamilton's newest and biggest

CD DVD & Vinyl store 07 839 4435 PHONE

CORNER OF WARD AND VICTORIA ST , HAMILTON

Listings courtesy of Mammoth and the Hamilton Community Arts Council MUSIC Lunchtime Recital Series: Student Performers Tue 8 Apr, Starts 1pm, Finishes 1:50pm @ Academy of Performing Arts – Entry by donation Students of the University of Waikato Music Department present a programme of music to surprise and delight.

48May, Arms Reach + Small Town Heroics Fri 11 Apr, Doors open 7pm @ Yellow Submarine – $15 Hamilton Pop Rockers 48 May get on down with locals Arms Reach and Small Town Heroics.

C4 presents The Bleeders Fri 11 Apr, Starts 8pm @ Diggers Back Bar – $15 New Zealand’s leading punk/hardcore band rip up Hamilton along with Los Muertos, This is This and Eqwanox.

Main Street Dub Fri 11 Apr, Starts 8pm @ La Commune Cafe – Free entry

Send notices to nexus@waikato.ac.nz before Wednesday, 5 pm. We don’t always have much space, so get in quick! Try and keep ‘em under 75 words. We will not accept handwritten or non-electronic notices or dictation over the phone – that’s stone-age shit. If you (somehow) don’t have access to email or a computer, come into the offices and use one of our computers to type up your notice. Ta. Freeloader.co.nz 38

ISSUE 05 • 7 APRIL 08

Hamilton’s only regular reggae, roots, dub and dancehall night, hosted by Cpt Nemo and DJ Atmosphere. Big up!

Mark Tupuhi and friends Sat 12 Apr, Starts 8pm @ La Commune Cafe – Koha entry Live Acoustic action.

Nell Nutsford: Running with Paint @ New Friends Art Gallery (186 Victoria St) Who’s afraid of the big bad noise?

Runs until Apr 28, 10am-4:30pm @ Artspost (120 Victoria St) Chris Meek’s collection of works inspired by the V8 race.

Nick’s Music Basement Launch Party Sat 12 Apr, Doors open 8:30pm @ Ward Lane – Free entry To celebrate the launch of the online music store Nicksmusicbasement.co.nz, Nick is throwing a party! Featuring performances

by Collapsing Cities (Auckland), Phony Bone (Auckland) Bearcat (Auckland), Dick Dynamite and the Doppelgangers, Damsels and more.

Free giveaways and other prizes also available!

Driven Runs until Apr 28, 10am-4:30pm @ Artspost (120 Victoria St) Geoff Ridder’s photographic portraits of people in Motorsport.

ART

THEATRE

Mithril Steel @ Artspost Gallery Hamilton sculptor Marti Wong presents a range of works crafted from carpets, scrap metals, tools and recycled copper: mythical creations of dinosaurs, imaginary creatures, animals and more.

Oscar Wilde’s ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ Sat 29 Mar - Sat 12 Apr @ Riverlea Theatre – Tickets $50 dinner & show, $25 show only, $20 students & seniors.

Directed by Liz Buick. Bookings or enquires phone 0800 800 192.

Where Students Buy and Sell No listing fees, success fees or registration charges, its FREE. Perfect for finding flatmates and buying and selling text books.

my office which is in the SJS office in WSU building. Thanks,Samantha Whittle

www.freeloader.co.nz I have a Pandora bracelet that was handed to me from our Thursday career fair that was held in S block Thursday 3rd April. Could you please as soon as possible advertise this in the notices section of the Nexus. For collection of the bracelet they can come and see me in

The Classic Years Runs until Apr 28, 10am-4:30pm @ Artspost (120 Victoria St) Reminisce amidst cars from the past in an exhibition that takes you down memory lane.

I would like to withdraw a previous ad for a vocalist (the email address would have been oph1on@yahoo.co.nz), and in it’s place I would like to advertise for a bassist and a drummer to help form a new rock band. Interested people can contact Smash on 0276661854.

Could you please put an ad in the nexus for 2 rooms, $70 rent each, 5 mins walk to uni, friendly neighbourhood at 2c Snead Place Contact 027 3009859 Joseph