issue 6

06 2 April 2007

EVEN

BY ROCKY& ST Do you know who Jim Bolger is? Would you love him up if you had the chance?

PS3 or Nintendo Wii? How do you know when a smurf is suffocating?

In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction area?

Saddest celebrity death?

If you would like Rocky & Steven to ask a question of your choice then email it to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

Alaana

Mark

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2.

3.

4.

5.

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2.

3.

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5.

Yeah I do and “hell no”…. well maybe PS3 Comaed out on the ground I guess Fiction Steve Irwin, he was lovely.

I do, he’s the Vice Chancellor and former Prime Minister, no comment on the sex.

Neither.

If he’s blue?

Non-Fiction.

Bob Woolmer.

Alysha

KaweT

Natasha

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2.

3.

4.

5.

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5.

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A politician, I’m not to sure on who he represents. No on the sex.

PS3.

When she turns red.

Fiction.

Steve Irwin

Yeah, he’s my uncle. Hell No! I don’t want crusty old balls, I have taste.

PS3 He would start looking like a Maori.

I’m going to say Fiction.

Anna Nicole – Have you seen play boy? You can’t get talent like that these days.

No Idea.

PS3 When it turns purple?

Fiction.

Anna Nicole.

Announcing the Wireless Xtra Broadband pack winners!

Nexus and Telecom would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to enter into this competition. The two winners of the Wireless Xtra Broadband packs are: tion read

For more broadband informa

and xtra.co.nz/wirelessbroadb

Chris Mckay and Diana Johnson

Brought to you by

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

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THE GREAT NEXUS

Theme:

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“Worst Christmas Ever”

This challenge is all about exercising your image editing abilities in a humourous way. The challenge involves a theme being set and people encouraged to send in their own interpretations of said theme.

Posted below are examples of the theme Worst Christmas Ever with images made by members from the Nexus forum and also from other internet sources.

To see the theme and entries for the next issue, visit: www.nexusmag.co.nz/ forum/viewtopic.php?p=5797 The best image wins super amazing prizes!! Post your entries to the Nexus forum thread before 5 PM Thursday, 19th April.

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

ISSUE 6 路 2 APRIL, 2007

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BY

BY THE THE TIGER TIGER Unfortunately The Panther has taken offence at not being printed in one issue so now a woman has had to take his stead. What a crying girly boy. Obviously his pressed flowers didn’t turn out like the craft magazine kit set said they would.

Tip #12: Unwanted pregnancies Being a lady, I know how kids can get in the way of being pumped and looking good. Luckily, working out so much has given me the guns and the insight in to having a child-free existence. A short punch in the stomach should quell anyone’s parasitic offspring troubles. If not, then two should suffice.

Tip #17: The good kind of scat Looking muscley is only one aspect of being buff. The other aspect is to have some kind of art skill to show people that you’re a well-refined meat head. My skill is scat!

Za-bap-biddly-do-wap-com-mu-nis-mis-ma-me-tist-ta-tee-teetoodley-toodle-doodle-foodle-foo-fee-fem-mi-ma-ni-ma-mi-ma-nama-na-sha-na-nazi-a-bub-be-bop-boodly-do-wop-bop-bah!

And don’t forget the jazz hands!

Tip #21: Protein helps buff you up In order to have the shapeliest guns possible, you’ll need to regularly drink a large amount of protein supplements. Luckily, men are a natural reservoir of protein sustenance! And you always wondered why gay men look so buff.

In last week’s Nexus we printed correspondence from Waikato student Paora Mato, under the heading ‘The Exchange’. Of course, being the diddlebrains we are, we had to get something wrong and this time it was Paora’s last name - we said it was Matu. But it’s not. It’s Mato. Sorry Paora. www.nexusmag.co.nz

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

Credits EDITOR SUCCUBUS Rosalind Case nexus@waikato.ac.nz

GRAPHICS DEMON Matt Scheurich graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz

AD MANAGER PRIEST Tony Arkell admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz 021 176 6180

Contents

NEWS DEVIL Joshua Drummond

Nexus Issue 6 · 2 APRIL 2007

Features 19-23

24

The name’s Bolger, Jim Bolger Nexus gets down and dirty and explores the University’s new Chancellor’s dark past Hot centrefold action

48 Hour Film Fest Askew’s new home

MAIN FEATURE SLAVE Dirk Smythewood

OUR LONG SUFFERING HELPERS

whose names we forgot. We love you all.

8 – 13 9 billion dollar kumara, Four students get money, News?, Student

Radio Ga Ga, The Execution, Students wallow in uterine warmth of

own self-pity, Nexus Haiku News

Regulars

htownslut@gmail.com

Chuck & Benjo, Dean Ballinger, Petra Jane, Alana Fergusson, Joseph Ross, Candice Bottomsworth, Jessica Ritchie, Art Focker, Blair Nicholson, Vitamin C, Matt, Joe Citizen, Magic 8 Ball, Adam Smith, Richard Swainson, Rocky Maeva, Andrew Neal, WSU, your mum and maybe some other people

News

07 14 17 18 27 28 33 34 34 35 36 36 37

MUSIC UNDERLORD M. Emery

Articles 26 27

news@nexus-npl.co.nz

Editorial Lettuce You’re so hot right now Opinion Boulanger WSU columns Notices Agony Art Los Libros Puzzles Third Eye Sports Thoughts Chuck & Benjo ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

37 38 39 39 40 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47

Society Pages Comics Magic 8 Ball $3 Chef Vitalisa Weird Facts Walk Through Citric Gig Guide Books Films Arts Guide Busted

CONTACT NEXUS Email: Phone: Fax: Postal:

nexus@waikato.ac.nz 07 838 4653 07 838 4588 Nexus Publications 2003 Ltd Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

Read us online at

www.nexusmag.co.nz WHEN MATT BOTHERS TO UPDATE IT

The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily the views of Nexus Publications 2003 Ltd, any of our advertisers, WSU or APN Media. If we write ‘bumhole’, will you send us a letter of complaint? Bumhole bumhole bumhole.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) but they can’t tell us what to wear or how to act. www.nexusmag.co.nz

Editorial

BY ROZ CASE

I’m of National Party stock. Good, proper, heartland, National Party blood courses through my veins accompanied by proper conservative family mythologies, such as the one where my grandfather is the only man in the Manawatu to continue paying his mortgage during The Great Depression.

My aunty and uncle were heads of the now non-existent ‘Dairy and Fruit Board’ and sailed to Ecuador in a banana boat sometime in the 1970s. My parents would accompany them to National Party balls and banquets, where everybody was merry and Pakeha. Ruth Richardson is my fourth cousin (by marriage).

My father protested against anti-Springboks protestors in the 1980s and walked out of a Catholic mass when the church rallied against apartheid. I’ve never been to Taranaki but I can feel ‘mainstream New Zealand’ in my bones.

So it’s with a degree of trepidation that I present to you The Jim Bolger Issue. We didn’t give him the cover, but he’s got a centrefold.

A very special centrefold. When I told my Mum that Jim Bolger was the new Chancellor of the University of Waikato and that Nexus would inevitably need to cover this, she was

mortified. “Don’t you dare be mean to Jim Bolger or your father will kill you!” Normally I would scoff at these sorts of threats, especially since my father is out of the country and hasn’t the faintest idea that I’m dragging his name through the mud in a university rag.

But I actually felt a bit afraid about having to address some of the ironies which are attached to Jim Bolger’s figurehead position at our university. I mean, there are some serious ironies here. Jim Bolger’s government was the government that really hammered the nails into our user-pays coffin of a fee system.

They gave us student loans and the $9 billion dollars of debt which we celebrated just last week. Shit, Jim gave us Ruth Richardson, Ruthanasia and the mother of all budgets.

Which was accompanied by food banks.

Remember? Maybe not. I’m conscious of the fact that there are some first year university students who were born the year that Jim became Prime Minister. By the time he’d been usurped by Jenny Shipley (who always seemed like maybe she was actually meant to be head nurse on Shortland Street instead of our first female PM) some of you were still several years off your first primary school social. Now, I’m not that much older myself. But I was a somewhat conscious human being when Jim Bolger took over the running of the country and I held a deep affection for him. He was like my uncle. Uncle of our nation. Father of the

NEXUS AND GORDON HARRIS PRESENT

The call for cover art

Calling all artists, designers, photographers, sculpters, crafters, whatever! Nexus wants to put your art on the cover page of the magazine. We want to spotlight great local talents so please send us some of your original art for the cover page.

If your artwork is deemed by the Nexus Designer Demon to be satisfactory enough, you will be rewarded with a $50 Gordon Harris gift voucher! Not to mention have your artwork emblazoned on the cover of Hamilton’s only student magazine.

For more info read www.nexusmag.co.nz/coverart 386 ANGLESEA ST, HAMILTON · OPEN 7 DAYS PH: 07 834 3952 · EM: hamilton@gordonharris.co.nz

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This week’s cover by

George Watson

mother of all budgets.

I remember the 1993 election. National had been in power for three years and there was a referendum for MMP tied up with the vote as well. I don’t know what the hell I was basing my 11 year old decisions on, but I was adamant that National should win the election and we should stick with FPP. I can’t really say where I got these ideas from, but I’m guessing it could have been Dad again (a year later he got me to write a letter to the Waikato Times saying that Greenpeace were commie bastards on the gravy train – I won a Parker pen, which my Dad stole). Anyway, my family were so happy to see these National Party bones developing a bit of muscle that they sent me off to my banana boat aunt’s house in Te Aroha for the evening, so we could enjoy the election coverage together. My family were proud of me and the country was proud of Jim. It was a win-win situation.

I don’t have to do a full political disclosure here to make it obvious that my views have swung slightly to the left since making it through puberty. I don’t know if it was developing breasts which caused the change in my political views or if it had something to do with getting an education. Guess I’ll never know. But I somehow still maintain that deep affection for Jim Bolger. I refuse to believe that he ever met Ruth Richardson and I’m dead sure that he dislikes Don Brash as much as I do. I reckon most people are similarly delusional about Jimmy and that’s why it’s okay for him to be our Chancellor. It doesn’t make oodles of sense necessarily, but we don’t mind because he has such a kind face and a compassionate, Catholic, socialist heart.

Even if he doesn’t know it – look closely at the centrefold and you’ll see it in his eyes.

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

NEXUS NEWS I paid 9 billion dollars in fees and all I got was this kumara

BY ANDREW NEAL

On a damp Wednesday hundreds of students gathered to watch and compete in the “$9 billion dollar game,” with varied results.

The event, organised by the Waikato Student Union to highlight growing student debt, was a great success despite the weather. WSU Events Co-ordinator Elmo Harnett says that the rain “held off numbers a bit” but that it was a “pretty good afternoon” all round.

There were many prizes to be won during the game show that adopted a “money or the bag” style format. Prizes ranged from gym memberships, plenty of vouchers and even a kumara for one contestant who, stupidly, chose the bag.

Other tertiary institutions around the country staged events aimed at addressing the student debt problem. They ranged from protests and demonstrations to events such as

the show at Waikato. TV3 news even popped into the WSU building on Tuesday afternoon last week and spoke to Sehai and several students about student debt issues.

The event also featured Sue Moroney from the Labour party giving a speech about student debt and how a tax cut would equal less money to be spent on education and health and claimed that “tertiary education is at the top of [Labour’s] agenda”. A rebuttal was given by Young Nat’s member Vicky Hodsworth who said that a tax cut would give graduates more money to pay their loans off with. Because this is obviously the sort of thing that students like to do with their spare money.

The game consisted of three rounds: the first was a quick fire quiz; the second round was a physical challenge that involved crawling under a sheet, scoffing a sausage and crab walking, which the debt monster demonstrated by strolling along scratching his curly, green

pubes; confirming suspicions that student debt does not practise safe sex.

The winner of the physical challenge round was one Matt Bird, who turned down around $60 worth of vouchers for what was in the box - which turned out to be a month’s membership to the Uni Rec Center. Bird said he needed the membership “to work off the sausage.”

The third round was an eating challenge which saw the winner become the proud owner of a new kumara instead of taking the $100 worth of vouchers. A final challenge saw around five people trying to tackle debt monster for $100 worth of vouchers from Bahama Hut, MTA, Pak ‘n’ Save and Liquor King, which was won by student Jayden Caine.

When Nexus asked him how he felt his only reply was “This place is amazing!”

Lack of balls no longer a problem

BY ANDREW NEAL

Keep July 7 free - the Waikato Student Union is planning a Student Ball which will be open for any student to attend.

The ball, which is still in planning stages, was first proposed by PR students from the School of Management at a WSU meeting and President Sehai Orgad says the Union just “fell in love” with the idea.

“This year is all about the events on campus, and that the ball will be a big part of this,” she said.

8

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

The ball is currently only in its foetal stages, but Orgad insists that “it’s gonna happen”. The venue and date are confirmed but most of the other plans are under wraps according to Harnett.

Live music has been proposed and a mix of DJs and live acts are set to perform.

Unfortunately Events Co-ordinator James “Elmo” Hartnett could not give any more details about who had been booked or who the WSU was planning on asking. He did confirm, however that the ball was “going to be great.”

It is proposed that the event will be more

formal than past student events with a black tie and gown dress code; but a social, studenty mood will mean the night is far from stuffy.

There will be a theme for the big night and at this stage 20’s-style swing seems to be choice.

Tickets are due to go on sale on the 23rd of April but prices have not yet been announced. Capacity for the ball will be a maximum of 800 students so tickets will be limited. Ms. Orgad is looking for a date to the ball so if you’re lucky enough there may be a free ticket available. Hint: Being well built and Maori might help your chances.

www.nexusmag.co.nz

Four students get money. Can the rest of us have some too?

BY JOSH DRUMMOND

Several University of Waikato post-graduate students have been included in the prestigious Top Achiever scholarships handed out last week.

The Waikato students receiving the award are David Milne, from the School of Computing and Mathematical Sciences; Dave Snell and Jennifer Kinloch, Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences; and John Goodbaz, School of Science and Engineering.

University Vice-Chancellor Professor Roy Crawford said the University was “proud of its top achievers.”

“These scholarships are keenly sought after. They acknowledge our brightest scholars and we are very proud of them,” he said.

A total of 50 scholarships were handed out across the country. Tertiary Education Minister Mr Michael Cullen announced total funding of $4.7 million over three years for the successful applicants.

Dave Snell, better known to Nexus readers as Burton C Bogan, said receiving the scholarship was “awesome.”

“I had to email the scholarships office to confirm that I didn’t just dream the whole thing,” he said.

Snell, who’s doctoral thesis is

– awesomely – on Bogans and Bogan culture, like Heavy Metal music, will receive $25,000 per year a year in living costs, as well as money for conferences, and having his uni fees paid.

He said the highlight of the experience was receiving money to pay for his passion.

So how come they get heaps of money and we don’t, eh?

Computing science student David Milne is developing an “intuitive” search engine that “understands” people’s online queries and retrieves information intelligently.

He is working on a network of terms, topics and semantic relationships – called thesauri – which will enable people to more easily find the information they are looking for in the online encyclopaedia, Wikipedia.

Milne’s research, “Thesauri for knowledge seekers”, aims to cheaply produce thesauri that act as a bridge for people looking for online information, and can be applied intuitively to the search process.

Another psychology student, Jennifer Kinloch, will examine the way people form associations between different stimuli which have not been associated before.

Her research topic is “The application of derived relations to the enhancement of psychological therapy”.

She will also develop a new method to study the processes involved in disruption or removal of those associations, which may contribute to development of rapid and effective interventions for a range of psychological problems, including anxiety disorders and phobias.

Accurate imaging is critical to processline quality control and robotic vision in industry applications. John Goodbaz will develop mathematical models (algorithms) to restore out-of-focus range images, produced by the University of Waikato Range-Imager.

The Range-Imager is a unique, high resolution, full field imager which uses a combination of modulated laser light and an image intensified digital camera to produce precise range images. However, conventional camera technology is not able to focus on objects at different ranges at the same time due to limited depth of focus.

To accurately de-blur the image, detailed knowledge on the range of objects in view of the camera is needed, information that previous de-blurring systems has lacked.

The research project, “The spatially variant restoration of range-images”, is expected to result in mathematical models superior to existing de-blurring methods.

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ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

Bradford Still Crazy Controversy abounds over the latest law proposal from Sue Bradford, announced from Parliament last Friday. Bradford wants legislation in place to outlaw the use of safety fences around pools, claiming that it restricts the freedom of children. “New Zealand is a clean, green country and I think that we should share that with our children. They deserve to grow up being able to swim in our clean water, something that not many countries have, without fear of restrictive boundaries or hurt feelings.” Bradford said in an interview shortly after the announcement “they deserve equal rights as an adult to enjoy the aquatic beauty of our nation. Children who grow up in fear of rules and authority will turn into cold-blooded killers, which can also be blamed on television, meat-eating, and

organised religion”. The public backlash has been ferocious, especially in the wake of the Bradford’s anti-smacking bill. Jane McKay, leader of a protest march against smacking, had the following to say when she found out about the new bill: “……….” It appeared she was lost for words, as exposure to such a stupid series of ideas had actually halved her I.Q.

Burger Still Crazy McDonalds spokesmen R J Haggart has gone public with the company’s plans to re-brand one of the restaurants staple meals, the Chicken Nugget. While confusion has reigned in recent years over exactly what animal the chicken nugget actually comes from, it appears that McDonalds focus groups have finally addressed the issue. Haggart had

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EXPERIENCE

MCDONALD SEEN this to say: “Whereas RONALD HERE PROMOTING THE NEW FAMILY MORSEL the Chicken Nugget, as it used be called, was known as a meal of small pieces of an unidentified animal to replace or perhaps supplement our widelyloved Big Mac, we have shifted the focus away from what it actually is and towards how our customers perceive it. The new Family Morsel will evoke the traditional McDonalds Family Restaurant values of team fun, laughter, good times, great times, on the move or with your friends and family.” When questioned on the ever-present question of what the Family Morsel will be made of, Haggart responded “McDonalds food is made of the love and laughter that has built our company, and the remains of Ronald McDonald’s rampages of love through the city streets. And recycled cardboard.”

Student loan scheme changes (again)

BY LAURA MCQUILLAN

A student loan scheme bill passed last week will reduce the burden of debt for some borrowers and “simplifies the administration” of the scheme, claim Tertiary Education Minister Michael Cullen and Revenue Minister Peter Dunne.

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In a release, the ministers said: “The changes bring the student loan scheme rules into line with the aims of interest-free loans, one of which is to reduce barriers to the return of skilled New Zealanders.”

The changes include: • A ‘repayment holiday’ for up to three years for borrowers overseas.

Borrowers will not have to make repayments but their loans will still attract interest.

• Extension of interest-free loans to full-time undergraduates studying overseas • Interest-free loans for borrowers overseas working in certain areas of volunteer or charitable work • A reduction of the late-payment penalty from 2% to 1.5% per month • Data-matching between Inland Revenue and the New Zealand Customs Service to determine whether a borrower is eligible for an interest-free loan, is based in New Zealand or overseas, and whether or not they are currently residing here.

Student Radio Ga Ga The last few months have seen some interesting changes in student radio across New Zealand, with a new station launching on Victoria University’s campus, and Canterbury’s RDU sold to private company RDU 98.5 FM Ltd.

Victoria University has not had a student-owned station since the early nineties, when Radio Active (established in 1977) encountered serious financial difficulties. In 1992 the Victoria University of Welllington’s Students’ Association’s (VUWSA) executive blocked DJ access to the station. Radio Active Ltd eventually brought the station from the VUWSA for $22,000 and have continued to operate it with a Schedule 7 licence. A Schedule 7 license is the student radio license issued by the Ministry of Economic Development and the Ministry of Culture and Heritage. Conditions of the licence include a requirement for content by students for students, ‘alternative’ content, and a maximum of six minutes advertising per hour.

While Radio Active has continued to thrive as a student station after its privatisation and a move off campus, several attempts have been made to re-establish a student-owned station at Victoria. During Orientation this year, the Victoria Broadcasting Club was launched fulltime as a low frequency station. They were funded through a $27,000 VUWSA Trust grant for recording and transmitting equipment, as well as a $5,000 donation from Victoria’s Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh. Programme Director Kristen Paterson says that the station will be

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both a student and community radio station, with a great deal of information content. VUWSA and various clubs and support services will have their own shows, the station will have a news team and links with student magazine Salient, and even hopes to broadcast studentpenned radio plays. Paterson feels this will provide the VBC with its own distinct niche and help to foster a sense of community amongst the students at Victoria University, and that there will be little competition with Radio Active (who only air student information and news if they are sent it for their community notices segment).

Paterson also says that the VBC’s musical content will differ from that offered on the more established station. They aim to playlist new and obscure Wellington acts, building exposure before they move onto the Radio Active playlist.

She says that DJs will also play music from their favourite obscure international labels, “the kind of music that’s only released on 7-inch vinyl, and our DJs have cared enough about it to track down one of the two copies available in New Zealand.”

While a new student-owned station has sprung up at Victoria, down at Canterbury RDU passed into private hands over the summer.

While rumours that the station was sold to RDU 98.5 FM Ltd for just one dollar have circulated through the country’s music press, University of Canterbury Students’ Association (UCSA) President Belinda Bundy wants to set the record straight. “The assets were sold for the book value... a lot more than a dollar.”

There have also been complaints that that the sale was made without any student

By Amy Joseph

consultation, but Bundy points out that “authority is delegated to the [UCSA] executive to make those decisions.” The executive have been considering the fate of RDU for the past five years, as the station has been running at a loss greater than UCSA can afford. Bundy says that the terms of the sale specify that RDU must continue to provide high levels of student-relevant content, including a UCSAsponsored lunchtime show, the Cut Lunch, focusing on student issues. RDU Station Manager Hat confirms that students needn’t expect the privately-owned station to become commercial, as this would see them failing to meet the terms of their Schedule 7 licence.

He hopes that the new sales team will enable the station to stop running at a loss, and that other improvements will be made in the coming months. He is particularly excited about the new carpet which is due to be installed, but also mentions upgraded equipment and a muchneeded updated computer system.

Radio One’s Station Manager Lesley Paris says that there is a danger in student radio stations being privatised. Waikato University’s Contact FM (renamed UFM) became so commercial after it was privatised that it was dropped from the BNet, New Zealand’s student radio network. The VBC are keen to possibly join the BNet in the future, particularly so that they can contribute to the annual BNet awards. Paris is doubtful that there would be room for two BNet stations in one city, but says she thinks “it’s cool that there’s a little station on [Victoria’s] campus,” and that it will be interesting to see what develops with both the VBC and RDU.

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

11

The Execution This week’s WSU Executive meeting was much cosier and friendlier than the previous one. Everyone sat squeezed around several tables because the room was full of junk.

Nexus hopes the Executive will eventually move to a Round Table, just because the symbolism is awesome and having the WSU Exec dressed in mediaeval gear would be too good to miss.

Nexus was late to this meeting for some reason, and the usual clicking of pens and shuffling of paper prevailed as the meeting opened.

“One thing we’ll do,” chirruped Orgad happily as Nexus entered, “is ratify the minutes of the last meeting. That’ll be fun!” She giggled, and poked out a slightly reptilian toungue. Oddly, no-one on the Exec seemed to notice this.

Nexus tried to get a grip on things as talk of the WSU Constitution began to rage. Sadly, the WSU Constitution is not the most riveting of topics for non-Exec members (although, for Exec members it is akin to talking about sex or food) and Nexus rapidly began to fall asleep, wishing for a pair of those glasses that make your eyes seem open when they’re not.

Nexus was abruptly aroused from slumber when Disabilities Officer Geoff Hawkes yelped “Poo smell!” Turns out, Nexus has been entertaining letters from many students complaining about an omnipresent reek near Oranga. The Exec chuckled, giggled and guffawed by turns as they discussed what to call the poo smell. “Fecal fragrance,” was bandied about, as VP Moira Neho didn’t want to write “poo smell” as it would be unbecoming 12

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

to the dignity of the WSU exec. Nexus wanted to point out that anyone who thinks faecal matter is fragrant is delusional, but didn’t as Nexus doesn’t have speaking rights. Which is as it should be. Mystifyingly, the matter of the Shit Stench is to be dealt with at an Open Student Meeting. Presumably this will be done by persuading students to stop using toilets at Uni, or something.

WSU meeting. Satan came, and said that hell had gone all frosty.

The matter of the lack of a Tauranga student rep was brought up. There were questions asked about this, but not very interesting ones.

The drowsiness returned. The drone of air conditioning, fluorescent lights and a vaccum cleaner somewhere were like the sound of Rophynol. Nexus, in a desperate attempt to stay awake, began to look around. One girl, was examining her leg. Nexus examined the girl examining her leg. She saw the examining and looked away guiltily, only to forget and start again minutes later.

Nexus spied a Monteiths bottle on the floor.

Sadly, there was no beer left in it. Hawkes made a weak joke which fell flat, as such things often do.

A motion to elect a Tauranga student rep at the next Special General Meeting was tabled and passed. Someone mumbled something about this, but Orgad powered up and obliterated the complainer with a massive Kamehameha wave, her hair standing on end and glowing blond in a SuperSaiyan-Jew aura of raw energy.

Someone said something about classes being held in Cultural Hour. Because cultural hour is cultural and thus more important than learning, the WSU will bend its hive-mind upon Sehai, as she takes this matter of international importance to the Academic Board. The Sport and Rec officer stared a steely stare across the room. Coincidentally, in the direction of his stare were several young women who might be considered hot. Nexus wonders who they were and what in Gods’ name they were doing at a

Nexus snapped out of its half-asleep mode when it was announced that several TV crews were to attend $9 Billion Dollar Debt day.

There has also been a new design approved for the WSU pages, which might mean that people will read them now.

Mature Students Officer Vince MalcolmBuchanan presented his report. This was the worst part yet. MalcolmBuchanannanananaanan felt it appropriate to submit an exact word count of his contributions to Nexus to date. Neho pointed out that word count was not indicative of quality, nor in fact of anything at all bar the number of words in his articles. He accepted this bombshell quietly, sadly stroking his long dark hair.

Hawkes brought up the matter of Campus Movies, or the lack therof since funding was pulled last year. He suggested that avenues for funding should be sought. “Funding was withdrawn for good reasons,” snapped Orgad, tartly, a lizard-like hiss escaping her before she controlled herself. Luckily, Neho intervened before anything nasty could happen, suggesting the matter be taken over by the cultural committee.

As the meeting closed, Nexus found a long black hair on its notepad, which did not belong to Nexus. Perhaps it was a gift from MalcolmBuchanan. Nexus hopes so. www.nexusmag.co.nz

Students wallow in uterine warmth of own self-pity

By Matt Russell

National Debt Day last Wednesday saw the Association of University Staff (AUS) and the Alliance Party join with New Zealand Union of Student Associations (NZUSA) in grieving the mounting levels of student debt. This follows the announcement that the total level of debt for New Zealand Students has reached $9 billion.

AUS National President, Professor Nigel Haworth, said that he was “shocked” that student debt has reached the $9 billion mark, adding that, “it represents a significant failure

by New Zealanders to support adequately students through their tertiary education”.

While recognising that the Government has increased support for students through

measures such as the interest-free loans policy, Professor Haworth said that the AUS supported calls by the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations for the Government to take action against the drivers of student debt and implement measures such as a universal living allowance for all students.

An Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) report released in February acknowledged that, “the current system does not address to the full extent the financial barriers students face in accessing tertiary education”.

While it reported that student support was the highest in the OECD this was due to government loans being 407% the OECD average, money that will eventually be repaid by students.

Student allowance funding dropped from 15.5% of Government Tertiary Education

spending in 1999/2000 to on 10.2 % in 2004/2005. During this time loans spending increase from 22% to 26.8%.

NZUSA Co-President Joey Randall says that New Zealand is “one of the most indebted societies when it comes to tertiary education.”

“In the developed world we have the highest rate of borrowing for a scheme, so as a percentage of what we spend, it was 400 times the average for the OECD for loans.”

NZUSA further called on the government to honor their election promise to increase access to allowances to 50% of all eligible students, and to progressively introduce a living allowance for all students.

Responding to the protests, Minister for Tertiary Education Dr Michael Cullen, preferred to put a positive spin on the interest-free policy. He said that the support students have received from the Government over the last seven years has been significant, and have broadened access to tertiary education. “On 1 April we celebrate an important milestone - one year of interest-free student loans. This is saving students thousands of dollars and shaving years off repayment times,” he said.

Haiku News

BY DRUMMOND-SAN

Emergency centre set up after two months’ of rain hits north in day Northland deluged Much rain dropped What will this do to the cannabis crop?

TVNZ profits fall as more cost cutting to come TVNZ money gone The problem?

Ends with Campbell, starts with John.

40 seconds from air disaster as satellite debris falls Damn dirty Russians Bombarding our airplanes With their shitty space junk.

Teen twice bitten by chainsaws but not shy I’d be fine, he says If it wasn’t for all these pesky Arms and legs.

HELL DINSDALE HELL 5 CROSS ROADS HELL BEERESCOURT HELL ROTOTUNA GOURMET PIZZA, PASTA & SALAD

LETTUCE Letter of the week Evil vending machines eat money, hands Hi Nexus, Is anyone getting grief from the snack vendor machines around campus? On two separate occasions today from two separate machines I’ve been swindled out of money with no product to show for it. I barely made it through my last tutorial conscious without the much needed sugar rush.

If I’m the only one this is happening to I’ll take it as fates way of telling me to “quit with the junk food ya fat bastard” and run several laps round the uni field. But if these machines are steeling money frequently, who do we complain to?

Regards, Dave Hi Dave, we’re going to give you a $5 voucher to the Campus Kiosk so you won’t need to deal with those no-life robot dummies – Brett’ll sort you out.

Come claim your prize at the Nexus office.

The fight against stupid Dear Lettuce, In reply to Burnout King’s letter in 26th march issue, i would like to point out that it’s not rude to tell drivers to take the bus or bike as opposed to driving IF they live in the city. Driving is supporting fucking awful oil companies who are committing human rights and environmental abuses all over the world, its contributing to climate change, and dangerous drivers endanger cyclists.

So why don’t you have some respect by not complaining about how there is no parking!

Some hippy once said we borrow the earth from our grandchildren not inherit it from our ancestors. More car culture = grandkids living

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ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

Get it to nexus@waikato.ac.nz by 5pm and Tues for the final issue – our study week special.

Letter of the week wins a $5 voucher from Campus Kiosk (up at the Cowshed) Alternatively, sign up to www.nexusmag.co.nz/forum and post your letters, notices, events, discuss various student topics and issues and just shoot the shit.

in a greenhouse!

Also i don’t think it was a ‘cock’ that defaced the coke mural. In fact i don’t think it was defaced at all! The person who did the alterations is a champion and many students around campus liked it much more than the corporate branding of coke. Its good to have murals around campus, but maybe they should reflect the ethical and political stance of Waikato University. Coke murders union activists at their bottling plants in Colombia, and depletes ground water resources in India, killing local farmers crops. Is this how we want to be branded at Waikato? To be supporting this company? I think an original mural about critical thinking, education, music, diverseness in ethnicities of students etc would be better than an un-ethical, profit driven, corporate stain.

Love from Marama

And Mr Bigglesworth fights against stupid Hi, Burnout King. I had a feeling I’d get a letter from someone of your ilk. I’d put the count of stupid things you say in your letter of last week at about six.

You say you were running late for a test.

That’s very likely your fault. Complaining about a carpark being full when you were running late is stupid. (1.) Parking on the verge is stupid (2.) You boasting about not getting clamped is also stupid (.) because now you’ve advertently encouraged other people to think they can get away with it too, which they likely will not, thus incurring a clamping.

Talking about “the” carpark is pretty stupid (4) because there’s about six of them, if you’re not opposed to a bit of a walk – which you apparently are. You saying that I’m rude for suggesting - not telling – that you walk, bike or bus is also stupid. (5) It’s not rude, it’s common sense. I drive and bike, and it’s usually much faster to bike, in town at least.

If you live outside of town, try leaving a bit earlier. Also, your pseudonym – Burnout King – is the stupidest thing I’ve seen this year, and probably says a lot about the sort of person you probably are. That makes six.

Yours, Mr Safety Bigglesworth

Student reps rep hard for repping Dear Ed, In the president’s column of Nexus # 4, Sehai rather arrogantly described herself as the student representative on the Academic Board. There are in fact nine student reps on that board: one from each school and faculty, the WSU president and one specifically Maori rep.

Last year, Sehai requested reinstatement of the agenda item ‘Matters raised by students’ when the vice-Chancellor proposed dropping it, in order to express her views. The vice-Chancellor obliged and formed the habit of addressing Sehai specifically upon arrival at this agenda item. It occurred to me to object at the time but I refrained, believing myself free to raise a point if I felt like it. (I was a student rep on the Academic Board in 2004 and 2006.) I am sure, however, that this year’s delegation of student reps believe they have no voice on this board.

Instead of encouraging students to express their concerns, Sehai has usurped a position previously shared amicably between nine people – any of whom may bring student concerns to the Academic Board - and uses the opportunity to grandstand in her capacity as WSU president.

Sehai is indeed the student rep on the

Lettuce Policy Nexus welcomes your letters and encourages debate through the letters page. Keep it under 250 words.

Letters must be received by 5pm on the Tuesday before publication.

Letters may be edited for sense, brevity or legal reasons. No correspondence will be entered into over unpublished or edited letters. Pseudonyms are acceptable but all letters must include your real name and contact details even if you don’t want them printed (and they won’t be printed!). We discourage the use of pseudonyms for serious letters.

www.nexusmag.co.nz

Finance Committee. I heard recently that the budget for Student Services has been cut by one-and-a-half million dollars. If true, this is bad news which has not been reported to students. Student Services provides counselling and medical services to students and administers the Disabilities Room and the class rep system. Any cuts to the funding of these services would be detrimental both to students and to the university.

Alan King

pumped out and then put water in again and in 2 months time the poo smell will be back.

This method ensures that the smell is gone for good. ps - The lake in between the Uni Rec centre and Gate 1 parking has also started to smell and the ducks are annoying there as well.....

Reagrds, Quagmire (Giggity)

WSU has no fresh fruit aisle

Dear Poo Haters, Over the last month I have heard much criticism about the one thing in life I am truly proud of; my poo. That’s right, it is I that leaves the aroma of a fat man’s sphincter wafting about campus, for I am Poo Man. Poo Man takes much pride in taking dumps in all areas of campus, so you too can enjoy what I have grown to love; the smell of my poo. This criticism has burnt me like wax toilet paper, as I have worked so hard over the last month that I think that I may be developing a hernia.

I feel about as unwanted as a paedophile in a kindergarten and quite frankly it stinks.

So why do I do it, besides the slightly erotic sensation I feel from it?

Well quite frankly it’s the only thing I’m good at. Just like girls are good at cooking and cleaning, Poo Man is good at pooing. All my life I have always been a great pooer, and for some reason ever since I have been at the butt of many jokes and bullying. I do not understand why everyone is so shitty when it comes to poo.

All males do it (note: some scientists claim females poo but ill believe it when I see it).

So for your smelling pleasures, Poo Man will continue to lay grogans in the lake, cafeteria, L block, Simon’s shoe and on chests.

Don’t fear me for I am hear to stay. That’s right my pooey presence will be hanging round like that dangle-berry you just cant shake loose.

Love Poo Man

Having witnessed some of the quarrels last year with the KA debakel, I can understand your position and agree. There is no use in starting a new group everytime the old group runs into a dead end.

I however disagree with your encouragement to Maori students to use WSU as a funding supermarket. I was an executive member of WSU last year and I still think that it is wrong of groups of students to use WSU to get some extra money on the go. In the end, WSU is not there to distribute money to anyone who finds a stupid excuse for funding but to fund student projects that help improve students life on or around campus.

Just because it is easy to get money from WSU doesn’t mean it is right to do so.

I would hate to see student groups to source money from WSU without looking into other funding opportunities. If they can get money from other organisations, WSU can give theirs to groups who are not entitled to funding - I think it would be a shame to take money, just because it’s there to waste it. regards, Sonja Gruebmeyer (Intl. Officer 2006)

Poo Number One In response to the article published by David and Brian, I would like to suggest a very cheap and yet fun for all method to eliminate the poo smell by Oranga and the banks. We can organise a Duck shooting competition and participants can bring in their own BB guns or a real gun and shoot the ducks which not only will get rid of the poo smell but also will be a fun outdoor activity for contestants to take part in. By shooting the ducks not only we will get rid of the poo smell for free and have lots of fun we will also save money that the university will probabily have to spend to get the water

www.nexusmag.co.nz

Poo Number Two

Poo Number Three Dear Lettuce, I am so happy to see that the poo issue is getting a proper airing. That’s what needed to happen. I can’t wait to talk about it at the OSM on Wednesday, it’s going to be amazing.

Totally Excited

Talking smack

After musing over the letters regarding child abuse and the anti-smacking law it seems someone needs to set the facts straight.

Personally I think it is a very appropriate law. Why some may ask? Very simple really.

Firstly before I explain why this is a good law, I can admit that at first appearance this would seem quite ridiculous, it is fair that one may assume that soon we won’t be allowed to speak, laugh, hug, touch or look at our children - but let us look at the big picture people!

Look how many cases there have been of child abuse and the parents responsible for this getting off the hook! One story remains in my mind which was on the news a while back, when a woman beat her son repeatedly with a cane and horse whip. When this was discovered and she was trialed she got off scot-free. Why? Because she claimed it was part of her (Christian) religious belief. There have been many (many) similar cases to accompany this. In effect this new law is denying parents the chance to ruthlessly beat their children and then claim some random bullshit reason for it and then proceeding to get away with it. It is stopping the loop-hole in the law. There will no longer be any excuse to beat a child. No one will care if you discipline/ smack your child, but you will get wtfpawnd to the full extent of the law if you take it too far.

Melon

Gummy heads destroying campus To the gummy head who has destroyed the steps outside S-Block, Why? A simple question: yet one that I have not been able to answer adequately despite thinking about it for some time. In fact, the only plausible explanation I have formulated to date is that said Sir or Madame is a complete and total vegetable.

Ground staff and security are not particularly enthralled; neither are the majority of students who sit on the steps for a quite moment in between class. I even had a conversation with the skaters who make use of the steps outside working hours. Interpreting their single syllabic grunts with some latitude, I find they are depressed about the general situation they find themselves in – even more so than usual thanks in part to your recent handy work.

It appears as if a heavy object was

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

15

dragged down the stairs. If this was the case, go to the gym and strengthen your weedy little arms. In the mean time, make use of the provided ramps or lift inside S-Block.

I can appreciate a creative use of spray paint or other paraphernalia on campus from time to time i.e. ‘Sold Out’. Adding your two cents to the landscape scores more points in my book then mindless destruction of the landscape.

The next time you get the urge to bisect a hard, dense object with a trough-like gorge, may I suggest you go for an inverted homohawk. unkind disregards, pissed off

Students are moaning, lazy shitheads I was annoyed to see Waikato representatives on 3news (tuesday 27th March) moaning about poor students and the inadequate allowance benefits. We all have options and choices and studying is a decision that should be made carefully.If you cant afford to live as a student then go and get a job that will support you!

I lived on an allowance in my first few years of study, and although I couldn’t afford luxurys, my family had a roof over their heads, food on the table and all my bills were paid, and I managed an overseas trip!

I am no longer on an allowance as my family has made adjustments to get a well balnced life. My partner works while the kids and I sleep, then watches the children during the day to save on childcare costs. I also jammed all of my classes into the smallest

amount of time possible to enable enough time to keep working, and raise my kids.

Benefits are not an ‘entitlement’, if you can get one thats a bonus if you can’t then you need to work it’s as simple as that.

I have had extensive experience in working with beneficiaries in their homes, and have to say upon analysis that the financial problems arise from poor decision making and lack of knowledge, not lack of funds. 90% of the homes I enter have brand new cars, tvs and other appliances, as the ‘buy now think later’ attitudes have crept into our society.

If you are struggling to live as a student ask for help, go to Student job search, get more informed about options you may have and prioritise you finances. If you still cant make ends meet, perhaps it’s not the right time to be studying.

If I can study full time, work and keep up with the demands of being a parent any one can do it, you just need to know how.

Cheers, B Real and B objective

Much ado about student loans Dear Nexus, This current emphasis on student loans intrigues me. For one, I am happy that Labour removed the interest because I think was the only downfall of the student loan scheme and should have never been included in its inception.

Logically, if you borrow money then you’ll have to pay it back. Same goes for if you get a loan for a car, house, etc. If you “loan” money then you are in an agreement to pay it back,

ADVICE BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE

CITIZENS ADVICE BUREAU

Jane, who has been living with her boyfriend for the past three and a half years, inherited a large amount of money from her grandmother. When she and her boyfriend broke up he claimed to be entitled to half the inheritance.

The university branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other hassles you might have. They have heaps of pamphlets and a huge database to help answer anyone’s questions. Visit them at the Cowshed from 11am-2pm daily during semesters or phone 838 4466 extn. 6622 or 0800FORCAB. By the way, the Property (Relationship) Act applies automatically to all married and civil union couples and to those who have lived together in a de-facto relationship for three years. So long as Jane has kept her grandmother’s money quite separate from shared assets they had after three years, she should be okay. You can ‘contract out’ but each must get separate legal advice.

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simple as that.

There are complaints that students have to borrow to live. While there may be weight to those issues, how many people out there are getting $150 a week while still living at home and not having to contribute money to the household? How many people who are students have jobs to pay the bills and are still getting the $150 living costs a week?

Sometimes it’s a case of necessity but to look at the figures and say “These people need to borrow to live” isn’t so credible as we need to weigh it up with those that take it merely because it’s there and accessible. When I was studying I stayed at home to keep costs down but still I took out a small amount for living costs in my first year, nothing in my second and then the full allowable amount in my third year–Not to mention, I was lazy and didn’t have any kind of job to alternatively fund my spending. Another note is that for the three years I studied not once did I get my course related costs – I didn’t want my loan to be even bigger (and yes, this was back when we were being charged interest).

It’s an individual’s choice (and sometimes necessity) to borrow to live but everyone has to take account that they will have to pay it back as money doesn’t come out of thin air. At least they’re not getting charged interest on their greed/poverty now.

Moaning bones

Need more food & drink variety Dear Editor, I am tired of having coke dominate the food and drink market on campus. Why is the university allowing a multi national corporation to manipulate them and buy our souls with their shit arse monopoly? Students are poor enough as it is, and coke’s ownership of this campus does not encourage a competitive food and drink market where students can actually access goods at a decent price. But the university doesn’t actually give a shit about this because they will take money from wherever they can get it, with absolutely no regard for the effect it has on students. At some point someone is going to have to stand up and say enough is enough. Painting on the coke mural isn’t going to do the trick. We will piss on the coke mural and then burn it with acid.

Mr Pepsi Bottom

www.nexusmag.co.nz

Highlighting students’ fashion triumphs and disasters!

One of my assistants had a fun romp through the University library and brought me back some interesting fashion specimens!

I love what she’s doing here. Bringing grey and brown together like that breaks all sorts of rules, but she’s totally working it and that’s what we love. The brown cardie throws me back to the early nineties in all kinds of divine ways and that whole thesis-reading thing is outta control hawt! 7/10

I love hoodies on men. This screams sex. Fabulous colour coordination with the slight glimpse of red tshirt mixing beautifully with the shoes. The backpack straps add contrast to the hoodie and the jeans say “I don’t care if I’m late for my lecture, I’ve got way more important things to do.” But it really is the hoodie that brings this look together. A great example of how one amazing piece can make your outfit. 7/10 You just can’t beat a classic university look.

This is a great example of a well put together intellectual ensemble which doesn’t scream pretentious. Subtle accessorising brings it together and attaching that bright orange two to his shoulder was a stroke of genius!

Stunning! 6/10 www.nexusmag.co.nz

Another great example of university cool. This look says “suave” with minimal effort. The headphones might not be attached to anything but you can’t beat the glimmer of chrome.

Matching the white tee with the shoes was a risky decision, but it paid off. 6/10

Perfect university style from head to toe - monochromatic denim/jersey fabrics create a look we like to call ‘cohesive-casual’. The splash of red brings everything together and I’m loving the shoes. 8/10

Tight jeans are balanced by the boots and bulkiness of the jacket - I totally love military style pieces in plaid, reminiscent of the scottish army. Subtle accessorising combined with the use of the umbrella for extra visual effect leaves me spellbound. Beautiful!! 7/10

Lovely work ladies and gents!

Keep rocking those stylish looks and watch out for my assistants after the mid-semester break!

Fab y’all out later!

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

17

OPINION

Old Bastard’s Rant My first year at Waikato University was 1985. Things weren’t that different then. The lake smelt of duck shit. Some lecturers were sleeping with first years, or, if hard pressed, graduates. Students were thought of as an apolitical, apathetic lot, nothing like the radical generation that preceded them.

There were a few minor differences. Universal student allowances, for one thing. $200 fees, for another. Yes, kiddies, once upon a time the government accorded those studying at tertiary level almost as much fiscal respect as the unemployed. Education was valued in and of itself, and not as a means to a vocational end.

How did the change come about? Did students just lie down and take it? Did the politicians responsible even once reflect on the rank hypocrisy of their actions, after themselves enjoying all the benefits of a free university education?

I’ve always, irrationally, put the blame squarely at the feet of Phil Goff. This smarmy, smug man, latterly Labour’s high-profile Trade and Foreign Affairs mouthpiece, was the original architect of the student loans scheme.

Never mind that there was nothing about it in his party’s manifesto. Never mind that his party was the Labour party, nominally of the left.

Goff’s outrageous indifference to the lot of university students when Minister of Education did indeed bring some of us, momentarily, to our political senses. Well do I remember marching with hundreds of others from campus into town screaming the immortal phrase “Fuck Off, Phil Goff!”

It seemed to work for a time. Labour got cold feet about fully implementing student loans, having already been caught out lying when indirectly raising tertiary fees. On the eve of the 1990 election they dispatched David Lange to campus to defend the indefensible. He came across like a tired, fat man, a mere shadow of his former quipster 18

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

self, one quite happy to employ bully-boy tactics with the microphone to shout down legitimate student outrage.

Of course the National Party enthusiastically endorsed Goff’s plan.

Smiling assassin Lockwood Smith - a man my generation knew first as a children’s game show host - had no qualms about it.

Now, all these years later, Lockwood’s then boss has somehow ascended to the role of University Chancellor.

Irony is too inadequate a concept for this.

There’s a line in the movie “Chinatown” about how “politicians, ugly buildings and whores all get respectable if they last long enough”: I guess Bolger has reached this venerable age.

Never mind that his government did its level

BY DR RICHARD SWAINSON

unionism saw the selling of the jewel in the crown, Contact Radio, the tragic under funding of a television station with huge potential, Static TV, and some dire years at Nexus when it turned into an Act Party broadsheet.

Arguably the greatest single blow to life on Campus in my time at Waikato was the loss of the Wailing Bongo. A stage and hall which had hosted Orientation for years became a banal extension to the gymnasium. A weights room replaced a gig space, extinguishing the possibility that bands of any kind of stature could play directly to university students.

Yes, kiddies, once upon a time the government accorded those studying at tertiary level almost as much fiscal respect as the unemployed best to turn the tertiary sector into a breeding ground for perpetual debt.

It must be hard now for students to conceive of a university where the dominant imperative is not getting out of the place as soon as possible so as to start paying back the loan that permitted you to study in the first instance. Or to imagine the luxury of full year courses, when everything wasn’t squeezed into a semester with each assignment overlapping the next and no respite from assessment sufficient to actually learn something.

One of the saddest by-products of the change in funding was the slow deterioration in student volunteer culture and infrastructure.

The disastrous experiment in voluntary student

Whilst it is hard to see this problem rectified in the near future I’d hate to be the kind of old bastard not see a glimmer of hope in recent developments at Waikato. Contact is reborn, Big TV is coming right, and Nexus is clearly on the up and up.

Late last year I was heartened by a public meeting of the University Council, the body responsible for setting student fees. Not heartened, of course, by the Councillors themselves, and their tired old arguments for shafting the next generation. Nor, particularly, by the response of the gathered students, who mostly acted like a group of stunned mullets.

But heartened by a Student Union who at least bothered to give the issue an airing. www.nexusmag.co.nz

The Chancellor’s role at the university is, essentially, to be a figurehead. A chancellor is often non-resident and uninvolved in the day-to-day administration of a University, although there are exceptions.

Some chancellors take a more active role in acting as an ambassador for their institutions – and this looks to be the case with the University of Waikato’s new Chancellor, James “Jim” Brendan Bolger. He’s got the experience – he was New Zealand’s Ambassador to the United States for a number of years. His other job experiences include farming in the King Country, Chairman of Kiwibank (yeah, we know – weird) and a stint as the Dear Leader of New Zealand. Jim replaces John Jackman, who suffered a stroke last year, but will still be serving on the University Council.

Jim is likely to represent the University at ceremonial occasions, like graduations, although the bulk of his contribution will probably be just hanging around being Jim Bolger. That’s what Chancellors do, by and large. Their function is to make the institution they’re attached to look good by association, and not necessarily to do a hell of a lot else. But maybe Jim will be different. “I’m here to assist the council ... to achieve the best possible outcome for this university,” he told the Waikato Times recently. Here’s hoping,

Jimbo.

Now we come to the rather confusingly-titled Vice-Chancellor who is, for all intents and purposes, the real head of the University.

At New Zealand universities, the Vice-Chancellor heads up the University Council, and acts in a similar way to a CEO or a Prime Minister. Most Commonwealth countries follow this system, or a variation of it. Our boy Roy Crawford is from Ireland, and has a stylish leprechaun-ey accent. He’s previously looked after Queens University in Belfast, which probably makes leading the proudly bicultural Uni of Waikato a cakewalk. With less bombings. He replaced Bryan Gould, who shot through from Labour to join the world of academia for ten years.

Then there are the other Chancellors. There’s the Pro ViceChancellor (Maori), whose role is to “provide executive leadership for the University in meeting its commitment to the Treaty of Waitangi,” as well as providing support for Maori students and ensuring opportunities for all staff and students to engage in Maori culture and cultural activities. This is different again to the other Pro Vice Chancellor’s role (also called Deputy Vice-Chancellor), which is to be an assistant to the Vice Chancellor.

Less confused? Neither are we.

Non-university Chancellors A chancellor in the non-university sense is, basically, a boss or leader. It’s a title that most countries of the former Roman Empire use (and a lot of countries colonised by nations of the former Roman Empire, like New Zealand.) In Roman times, chancellors

were the Cancellari of the Roman courts of justice, and acted essentially as ushers.

Today, plenty of nations have Chancellors in official positions. Austria has a Chancellor as the head of government more or less like a Prime Minister. Other nations have

chancellors in other official positions.

The most famous chancellor of recent times is probably Adolf Hitler, who was chancellor of Germany before assuming the role of Fuhrer (leader) in 1934. And we all know what happened to him.

Feature

What happened to New Zealand when

Jim Bolger

was in charge?

F

ROM NOVEMBER

1990 TO

December 1997, Chancellor Jim Bolger was Prime Minister of New Zealand. This was preceded by all the major Rogernomics reforms of the 1980s, the death of John Belushi and the stock-market crash of 1987.

It is John Belushi’s death which adds the most context to the actions of the fourth National government as it was led by Mr Bolger.

Ruthanasia Jim’s finance minister, one Mrs Ruth Richardson, was probably the most despised woman in the country in the early nineties.

She was particularly despised by starving people, for some reason. Ruth did some interesting stuff to the country.

When National first came into power, it was discovered that the outgoing finance minister David Caygill had been wrong to predict a small surplus and the Bank of New Zealand was heading down the toilet as well. So Ruth was like, “right, bugger this for a joke. I’m gonna turn the country upside down and that will learn everybody!” She had the support

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of caucus because, well, they were a bunch of new MPs and didn’t really know what was going on anyway.

So, Ruthanasia was pretty much the effect of what is still known today as the ‘Mother of all budgets’. It was delivered in 1991 and included massive cuts in welfare spending.

The dole and DPB were reduced to a pittance.

Unemployment was already super high and for the first time since the 1930s, New Zealand had a boom in soup kitchens and foodbanks.

But Ruth Richardson wasn’t alone in this. She was assisted by the Minister of Social Welfare, Jenny Shipley (who later stabbed Jimbo in the back by staging a bloody coup in order to become Prime Minister herself).

Ruth Richardson is also blamed for the 1993 Employment Contracts Act, which got rid of compulsory unionism and collective bargaining

agreements and left workers pretty much completely at the mercy of their employers.

The Council of Trade Unions president of the time, Ken Douglas, reckoned “Ruth Richardson was very clear, very blunt, very honest about (the ECA’s) purpose. It was to achieve the dramatic lowering of wages, very quickly, by allowing the high levels of unemployment to pull the cost of labour down; that the market would determine and an oversupplied market would reduce the price. The other reason, of course, was to de-unionise and that’s why the government is in trouble with the International Labour Organization because the ECA doesn’t enhance or promote collective bargaining.”

Mostly everybody despised Ruth, not just the socialists. She just seemed like the mean mum who gave her kids yuck sandwiches.

Selling all our stuff When Jim was prime minister, the whole

So Ruth was like, “right, bugger this for a joke. I’m gonna turn the country upside down and that will learn everybody!” www.nexusmag.co.nz

Feature

selling state-owned assets thing got a little out of control. Jim and his government were kind of like one of those really rabid Trade Me psychopaths who just goes crazy selling absolutely everything they own. Even when it’s a useful or even brand new item, they just have to sell it to get their kicks. When Jim was prime minister, the government sold: The BNZ – They were obviously just a pain in the arse at this point, after their near collapse in 1990. So the government sold the BNZ to some Australians.

NZ Rail – Who needs trains anyway? This went to Fay Richwhite and co. for a tidy $400 million. Now the trains are lucky to run, let alone run on time.

NZ Ministry of Works – This was a bit more complicated. The government split NZ works into two groups (consulting and construction) and then sold both.

Contact Energy – Contact Energy used to be part of the NZ Electricity Commission. Jim and friends floated it on the stock market in 1997.

After evil Jenny Shipley had attacked Jimmy boy from behind in 1997, she went on to sell heaps of our shit as well. Like Auckland Airport. She also tried to corporatise and privatise ACC and Transit NZ.

Treaty of Waitangi settlements In spite of their conservatism, the fourth National government did make some head way with treaty settlements, finalising three major deals during the 1990s (including TainuiWaikato). Later on, they tried to introduce a billion dollar fiscal envelope in order to shut everyone up with one big money shot, but Maori were like “yeah, whatever, you’re dreaming honey.”

What about good stuff?

Jim led the National Party for almost 12 years which means that it is quite likely that he is smarter than lots of people we know.

Jim was born in Taranaki, which is very sweet. Also, an old lady that Nexus used to know reckons that she helped deliver him.

And that’s quite sweet as well.

Jim had three consecutive terms as Prime Minister of New Zealand which means that lots of people in New Zealand must have thought he was a lovely man.

Jim was a beef and sheep farmer for ages, which makes vegans quite upset but makes the people who like eating beef and lamb really happy.

When Jim was Prime Minister, he raised the countries growth rate from being the lowest in the 29 OECD nations to one of the strongest. Of course, ‘growth’ is one of those things which naturally occurs during periods of high unemployment, but that’s beside the point.

Jim is married to a lovely woman called Joan. Here’s a picture of her when he received his honorary doctorate from Massey a little while back. Look how nice she is! And she’s so proud of him. They had nine children so she must have been tired for ages.

Jim helped New Zealand develop its relationship with Asia, which Nexus thinks must mean that we can get cheaper shit from China now.

Jim has represented New Zealand at each APEC summit since it first began in 1993 which means that the people at APEC must be reasonably impressed by him and know his precise tastes in hor’deurves.

Social policy and stuff like that When Jim was Prime Minister, NZ passed the Human Rights Act. Interestingly, some of National’s most well-known MPs – like John Banks (later to become a despotic mayor of Auckland) were opposed to the Human Rights Act because it totally freaked them out to think they couldn’t discriminate against people on the basis of race and sexuality. What would they do with their time now?

Jim and his government were kind of like one of those really rabid Trade Me psychopaths who just goes crazy selling absolutely everything they own. www.nexusmag.co.nz

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Jenny Shipley was a young upstart from Gore. She had Gore written all over her, as evidenced in this picture taken of her at one of Mike Moore’s biscuit summits.

Jenny was originally a primary school teacher, and one imagines that she scared the bejesus out of the children with those Gore tattoos. It is perhaps for this reason that she turned her back on teaching and headed over to the National Party in 1975.

Things were pretty slow round the National Party during that time. Muldoon got drunk and spewed in the corridors quite a bit and Jenny spent a great deal of her time trying not to step in chunks of his vomit (although this has been disputed by several National MPs who claim that a diet of vodka does not lead to chunky vomit). Then Labour got in to power and the National Party had a super boring time sitting around being pro-nukes. It wasn’t until Jim became Prime Minister in 1990 that things got really exciting for Jenny.

so amazing.

After that, Jenny became the Minister of Health. In this job, she created internal markets in the health system which led to the situation of having ‘health purchasers’ and ‘health providers’. Oh yeah, and us over here – we’re the ‘health consumers’. It’s really great, you know, consuming health. Good times.

Jenny became the first female Prime Minister of New Zealand to never be elected

Jenny was made Social Welfare minister and she immediately jumped in to bed with Ruth Richardson (metaphorically, of course - don’t be misled by those haircuts). They proceeded to ruthanise the country which was so much fun! Oh my god, the parties! Seriously, everyone was just totally drunk the whole time! And no one could remember anything afterwards, it was 22

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But this wasn’t enough for Jenny, oh no. She thought Jim was too much of a plodder. She wanted things to happen at a crazy fast pace so she could maintain the adrenalin rushes she’d become addicted to in the eighties. Her colleagues argued with her, “just wear shoulder pads, Jen, it worked in ‘87, why won’t it work now?” But Jenny was insatiable. She started bitching hard out about Jim to anyone who would listen. Her mate Wyatt Creech got on the bandwagon. He reckoned that they should all tell Jim he smelt like poo next time they were playing four square in the quad and just tease him until he cried. But Jenny had bigger plans. She told everyone that they had to support her and when Jim realised there was a personally ambitious bully in the playground, he resigned with dignity intact. So Jenny became the first female Prime Minister of New Zealand to never be elected. After she lost the election in 1999, her head got rolled as well. The National Party has a proud of history of betrayal. www.nexusmag.co.nz

Where do former Prime Ministers go when nobody wants them to be the Prime Minister anymore? (apart from the University of Waikato)

Jenny Shipley Prime Minister 1997-1999 Our spies tell us that Jenny spends a lot of time in China buying cheap shoes and electronic goods.

She runs her own ‘consultancy’ company, which Nexus understands is a front for a massive black market tobacco / iPod ring. Shipley also chairs the board of Mainzeal Construction and is a director on the board of Richina Pacific, which is a special organisation for richinas who live in the Pacific.

Sir Geoffrey Palmer Prime Minister 1989-1990

Well, we know where he is. But prior to coming to UOW, Mr Bolger did some other stuff. For a while he was the New Zealand ambassador to the United States but he couldn’t handle how fatty the food was over there so he headed back to become the chairman of Kiwibank. No one is sure if Mr Bolger is aware of the fact that Kiwibank was created by lesbian communists who are using him as a non-threatening figurehead in order push through their lesbian communist agenda. Mr Bolger thinks he is just helping out the people of New Zealand and has no idea the communists are using him to further their interests.

Sir Geoffrois is a proper high-falutin’ academic for whom being PM was pretty much like farting. It barely registered as a blip on his radar, he was so busy thinking about important things. After leaving Parliament, he headed down the road to the Victoria University to become a Professor of Law. He is considered to be an expert on everything.

In 2002, Sir Geoffrois was appointed as New Zealand’s representative to the International Whaling Commission. In this position, Geoffrois and other delegates go to international restaurants and sample a variety of versions of cooked whale meat, in order to establish whether or not it really is worth letting Japan eat all of the world’s whales.

After 15 years of taste-tests, the commission are yet to come to a decision and are awaiting Jamie Oliver’s attempt at whale meat sushi before presenting their report to the United Nations.

Mike Moore

David Lange

Prime Minister Sep-Nov 1990

Prime Minister 1984-1989

After his short stint as PM, Mike Moore was leader of the opposition for three years before being replaced as Helen Clark in 1993. Mike hung around parliament for a few more years, stealing biscuits off the tea trolley. He almost started a new political party but decided against it, after being informed by a parliamentary privileges committee that he would have to pay for his own biscuits if he did. Mike’s love of biscuits led to the development of his keen interest in international trade, as some of his favourite biscuits were imports. Mike decided the best way to get access to said biscuits

Despite such a long period as Prime Minister (especially compared to the couple who followed him) Mr Lange was not satiated by his experiences.

He still held a deep grudge against the French for blowing up the Rainbow Warrior and he knew there was only one way to avenge his country. So David went undercover as a spy in Paris. Unfortunately the French discovered this secret operation and tried to assassinate David with a poisoned croissant. Luckily, Mr Lange survived and came back to New Zealand where he lived for a number of years before unfortunately passing away.

Jim Bolger Prime Minister 1990-1997

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was to become the director-general of the World Trade Organisation. He did this for awhile, until everybody started blaming him for the negative effects of globalisation. So he quit his job and started a cookie factory, where he remains to this day.

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CENTREFOLD

JIM BOLGER

48 hours The 48 Hours Film Making Competition, New Zealand’s largest film making competition, is fast approaching again. This year marks the second year that Hamilton has had a full branch of the competition and registrations to enter open on April 1st.

Last year saw over 500 teams nationwide attempt to make a short film in just 2 days with three randomly selected elements – a character, a prop and a line of dialogue, and as always the results were mixed. There are always teams that don’t make it or melt down before the closing time, but there are also teams who really pull out all stops to create

some visual masterpieces.

Each city has its own set of industry professional judges who all judge the eligible entrants on the same criteria. The finalists are then all screened at Rialto Cinemas on the 7th June (although all films - eliagble or otherwise are screened at the University of Waikato) – the eventual city winner then goes up against the winners from the other cities live on C4 on June 22nd.

Not winning the city finals isn’t usually the last chance to get in though – the last two years have seen wildcard entries selected

by Academy Award winner Peter Jackson, and last year saw the first Cinematography competition and the V Most Manic Actor Competition.

The Hamilton competition will launch

and finish at the Waikato Museum of Art and History on May 18th/20th.

Entry places are limited though and teams are selected on a first in first serve basis. Because Hamilton has less entries than Auckland but the same number of finalists odds are better for reaching that live final – and some Auckland based teams have twigged to this – so if Hamilton film makers are keen to enter they need to register early.

More information can be found at www.48hours.co.nz or for the Hamilton Competition www.filmwaikato.com.

University of Waikato – Varsity Sport

PLAY; SUPPORT: Be a part of it!

Whether you’re a student, or not, get involved: • playing • supporting • managing • coaching Phil Gilber t unispor t@waikato.ac .nz Ph: (07) 838-4463 VA R S I T Y C L U B S a c k n ow l e d g e m a j o r s p o n s o r s . . .

Waikato University Rugby Club The Outback Vege King Inside Running Rugby Agents Waikato University Hockey Club The Cook - Bar & Café Avenue Self Storage Goodfellas, New World, Challenge - Naylor Street, Inkfish, Admor Promotions,Video Ezy Waikato University Soccer Club Potential Sponsor opportunity Waikato Universtiy Rowing Club Potential Sponsor opportunity 26

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

28NY0410 GS

Waikato University Netball Club Potential Sponsor opportunity

www.nexusmag.co.nz

New Queer Space for Askew The University of Waikato’s GLBT group, Askew, have been a little bit homeless this year with no QueerSpace to call their own. In 2006 they had enjoyed the hospitality of the WSU and had warm, inviting QueerSpace where meetings could be held and members could be welcomed. Unfortunately, the WSU decided they needed that room back and as there is currently no GLBT Officer on the union who could provide a room (and the union has taken no visible steps to remedy this problem in 2007) Askew were cast out into the wilderness and gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, takataapui, queer and otherwise nonheterosexual students were left without a safe space on campus.

However, Askew’s autumn is now looking up with the news that they have been allocated the old Big TV space in the cowshed (by the hairdressers) to use as the new QueerSpace on campus. Askew was naturally overjoyed by this announcement, with spokesperson Rocky Maeva stating that “this is absolutely the most fabulous thing that has ever happened in the history of our species-kind.”

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The QueerSpace provides a homophobia-free area on campus and is open weekdays for students. It will also act as a meeting venue for Askew’s weekly meeting, held on Wednesdays at 1pm, where upcoming events and issues can be discussed. All students interested in finding out more about Askew are encouraged to attend meetings or at least check out their myspace – www.myspace.com/askewwaikato

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Keeping you informed about your student union

www.wsu.org.nz

WSU PRESIDENT

VICE PRESIDENT

president@wsu.org.nz

vp@wsu.org.nz

The WSU are organising a programme for International students to get the real New Zealand experience and stay on a Marae. International students make up a significant portion of WSU membership, and after recent studies which show that 34% of international students go home disappointed at the lack of experience of New Zealand culture and interaction, WSU is focused on supporting and providing the environment for which International students are able to learn from the distinctive experiences at Waikato.

The notice and agenda are out so it’s official. There will be an OSM on Wednesday 4th April down at the Village Green.

Sehai Orgad

The Noho Marae trip for international students takes place over two days, where students will be able to experience New Zealand culture through being part of various workshops and activities on a Marae.

If you are interested in participating with this programme please contact me t the WSU:

What should you do? Go and check out the agenda on the official notice board at the Cowshed (outside WSU and next to Brett’s dairy). There will also be copies on the notice board by the library, on the notice board outside the rec centre, and of course in this issue of NEXUS. By doing this you will know in advance what is going to be discussed and be able to formulate your contributions to a constructive discussion. Remember, you can always have your say in General Business if your item is not on the agenda.

怀卡托学生联合会（Waikato Students Union-----WSU）将组织留学生 去毛利村去体验生活。

When you get there: Find one of the WSU executives (they will have their white exec t-shirts on and be holding a clipboard). You will then be asked to sign a sheet to confirm your presence at the meeting.

In return they will stamp your hand so that you can collect your free sausage!

留学生是WSU非常重要组成部分。每个留学生都是WSU的一员。为了让留 学生真正的感受新西兰的当地生活，充分与当地学生接触，让留学生 有回家的感觉。WSU要为留学生筹办此次到毛利村的活动。

Don’t forget that we need a quorum of 50 members (that’s all of you) throughout the WHOLE meeting or the meeting can’t be held.

这次活动，大家会在毛利村住两天一夜, 感受地道的毛利文化。包括 毛利餐点，歌舞，游戏，学习毛利语言，编织，礼节等等。内容丰 富，多彩，有趣。是一个接触当地文化，和当地学生的好机会。希望 大家踊跃参与。

So whanau, get your friends together, come down and participate in the meeting and enjoy a free sausage at the same time!

Sehai: president@wsu.org.nz OR Chang: cw93@waikato.ac.nz

时间：2007年5月11日和12日。 地点：Papa O Te Aroha Marae, Mossop Road, Tokoroa. 费用：30纽币 联系人：Sehai Email: president@wsu.org.nz 长龙 Email: cw93@waikato.ac.nz mobile:0211605387

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Moira Neho

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Our office is located in the Students’ Union Building Open hours Monday to Friday 8:30 AM – 4:30 PM Phone: 856 9139

Email: wsu@wsu.org.nz

www.nexusmag.co.nz

Disabled students’ officer

EDUCATION officerS

Jeffrey Hawkes

Edupene & Eduwhets

disabilities@wsu.org.nz

education@wsu.org.nz

The right for disabled people to be paid according to their ability and not where they work has been won with the passing of the Disabled Persons Employment Promotion (Repeal and Related Matters) Bill, says Disabilities Minister Ruth Dyson. “For 47 years, disabled people have not had the same employment rights or protections as other New Zealanders, by repealing the Disabled Persons Employment Promotion1960 Act, disabled New Zealanders will finally be valued for what they can do, rather than being defined by the place in which they work. Repealing this outdated legislation is part of a package of wider changes aimed at ensuring that the voice of disabled people in New Zealand is heard and acted upon. We have undertaken extensive consultation with disabled people and their families, and with service providers, over the wider package of reforms. The passing of this Bill will bring our legislation into line with existing New Zealand and international human rights law and further strengthen this country’s commitment to the UN Convention on the Rights of Disabled Persons, which I will sign in New York at the end of this month.” That’s the buzz from Ruth Dyson, Disabilities Minister.

This means that for a 40 hour week, our friends who long to be participating members of the community will be recognised financially, with an hourly rate of $11.25/hr(as of April 1st, minimum wage) instead of the current $2.50/hr.

Once passed, this proposed law change will take effect on 30 Movember 2007.

Carers New Zealand are hosting a summit, the theme of which is Stepping Up, Speaking Out. The summit provides an opportunity to; reflect on the role of New Zealand family, whanau, and aiga caregivers; learn how other countries are addressing carers’ needs, how they are ensuring service and policy improvements for carers; learn how nations including New Zealand are working in partnership to achieve World Health Organisations and United Nations recognition for the caring role. This is in Wellington, April 12-13. Any students out there performing carer roles as part time work, you can keep an eye on happenings via www.carers.net.nz.

Disability Services Directorate (DSD) consumer forums and huis are taking place from March to June, nation wide. The DSD of the Ministry of Health is visiting the main centres and some smaller and more rural places to find out how the disability support system is working for disabled people, their families, whanau and carers.

Registration is preferred prior to the day to ensure adequate resources are available, however people are also welcome to just turn up. This is a great opportunity for input, and involvement, Kirikiriroa gets 2! Hamilton(2) - Wed 09 May from 2-4pm, or 5:30 – 7:30, but the venue is to be confirmed, watch this space, I’ll keep ya posted.

Can you believe it?! 4 days left till our first mid-semester break begins. You’re probably gonna get this rheotric from your lecturers that it’s NOT a 2 week break, it’s a 2 week TEACHING RECESS! Whatever. Unfortunately, this also means last week semester tests, assignments or assessments are going to hit you with full force as well. Fortunately eduwhets and edupene will now provide you with some “ammunition” for those up and coming assessments. This section is titled the 5 best analogies: 1. He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without a box with a pin hole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pin hole. (Psychology) 2. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. (School of Education) 3. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Biological Sciences) 4. He was a lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (Philosophy) 5. The fact that the Arthur Anderson had been auditing their own work came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. (School of Management) To be continued, like a car whose petrol light is on, but it goes on forever...

www.nexusmag.co.nz

Protest against all forms of hate and violence.

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mature students’ officer

Sports and recreation officer

Vince Malcolm-Buchanan

Glen Delamere

mature@wsu.org.nz

sports@wsu.org.nz

Its week 6 of semester A and for those so inclined, Easter weekend is looming brightly.

It’s also a bonus week for students because Friday is a public holiday so there will be no scheduled lectures, tutorials or labs. For a multitude of you, this early start to the two week term break is a tremendous opportunity to get on top of the increasing work-load - at least that’s what yours sincerely will be doing. If you’re anything like me and using the term break to aspire to the highest possible grades, then you may also want to keep in mind the vast collection of DVD’s and video’s available from our library for FREE – their perfect for when you want time-out (and far less detrimental than alcohol).

A.L.M.S 2007 registration continues to be a process pending as our membership for the club continues to increase (70+). As an aside, Kerry (ALMS President Elect) and I will be coming into the Commons Room during the break in order to try and make it more comfortable and convivial. If you are interested in helping, then feel free to email us at mature@wsu.org.nz by the time you all return we hope to have your Commons Room looking a lot tidier. Kerry will also be doing some work towards planning a few social events and formalising the 2007 ALMS Committee.

It is also entirely appropriate to acknowledge two significant events that will be unfolding over the term break of weeks:

Well I’ve been to see the Pagans, who to my surprise were to be found on the 3rd floor of K block and not chanting or making voodoo dolls in the basement. The group that was meeting for the day was a very multi-cultural mix; my initial feeling was one of an open minded, non judgemental friendly group. In other words your everyday diverse range of students that wanders around Uni. I was also not the only surprise guest for the Pagan Club as they had a psychic present who demonstrated her “gift”. This was interesting to watch, being the cynic I am. When talking to someone in the group what she was saying could be interpreted as pretty broad but you could tell that the specific person being spoken to could make sense out of what was being said. I was told that I would be going to the South Island soon…pretty broad…but I am going to attend Uni-games in Christchurch in April. She had no idea who I was - twilight zone stuff.

I asked the Pagan club what misconceptions people have about them, some were that they are evil, hate Christians, plant curses and worship Satan (the Satan worship is interesting as Satan is a Christian entity not Pagan).

I found my visit interesting and although disappointed that there were no naked women dancing or debauched drinking (what kind of students are they), I would recommend for anyone who is interested in making friends with an accepting, open minded and differing view of life to pay them a visit. When asked what the Pagan Club is about the co-presidents said “to celebrate our differences as spiritual beings, and to let our similarities unite us”.

2007 GRADUATIONS To all those students undertaking the momentous approbation of graduating we extend our sincerest congratulations. The WSU and University of Waikato warmly welcomes you to the exciting world of graduate and post-graduate studies.

Graduations commence from Friday April 13th through to Friday April 20th. I’m hoping to participate in the Maori Graduations at Te Kohinga Marama Marae so I look forward to seeing as many supporters there as possible.

2007 University Games We would also like to take this opportunity to congratulate all the participants and supporters who will be proudly representing our University in Canterbury – best of luck to you all.

Have a great week – enjoy your term break, and always remember to make the most of an opportunity :)

Finding it hard to make some ends meet?

Come and see us at the Student Union Building and we’ll help you out.

Phone: 07 856 9139 Email: wsu@wsu.org.nz

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www.nexusmag.co.nz

Wednesday 4th April 1 – 2 PM (Cultural Hour) Held at the Village Green If it is raining the OSM will be held at The Bongo, in the Student Union Building.

All students are invited to attended the WSU Open Students’ Meeting that discusses and votes on student issues. Free BBQ sausages provided!

OSM Agenda 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

PRESENT MEETING OPENED APOLOGIES CORRESPONDENCE MEN’S WELFARE OFFICER WASTE MINIMISATION POLICY UPDATE UNI GAMES UPDATE “POO SMELL” UPDATE GENERAL BUSINESS MEETING CLOSED

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Celebrating 9 billion dollars of student debt (Wednesday, 28 March)

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Accomodation 6 or more bedroom house with 2 bathrooms. AWESOME ROOM up for grabs. $110 pw gets you absolutely everything.

Rent, power, broadband, sky digital in two lounges, internal A/C unit, gas heating, place is fully furnished, lockable doors on every room. Security system. Awesome landlord, comes through and cleans the flat every week. Smokers OK. 10 mins walk from uni and 10 mins walk to town, lots of parking. Text or call on 0276324234 Flatmate Wanted. Two bedroom to share with one other male. Close to Uni (Uni end of Peachgrove Rd) $125.00 + expenses. Phone 856 6355 Sick of living in scum? Wanna be close to uni??!! THEN THIS COULD BE UR NEW FLAT!! $150 per week covers: sky digital, phone, power, rent of room, internet, and food. Primo room gets the arvo sun.

Modern kitchen and bathroom, open plan house, 15 min walk to uni. Phone 8391417 NIK 0276883882 during the day or Greg 0272832712 No pets or smokers.

For Sale Single Bed With Mattress. Drawers for plenty of storage underneath. $50. Blake 0274670591

Important Stuff Winners of DC’s raffle drawn Friday 23 March, courtesy of the help of Shannon (WSU Receptionist), Kirsty (WSU Accounts) and David (WSU General Manager) 1st prize was ticket No. 39, 2nd prize was ticket No.85 and 3rd prize was ticket No. 33. All the winners have been notified. Thank you to all the people that bought a ticket in support of the DC’s netball team.

Situations Vacant Hermione roleplayer seeks Harry. Must have glasses and a really big wand. Ability in Charms and Transfiguration (especially Engorgement spells) a must. Resemblance to Daniel Radcliffe a bonus. I also have a really big collection of home made fan fics which I’m keen to share. Text 021910944, serious offers only. Don’t be shy, I’m real and I’ve been told I look a lot like Emma Watson, only cuter ^o^

Christian Swingers Club – monthly meetings in Flagstaff. Swinging within the sanctity of marriage with God and each other as our witnesses. We come in the name of the lord. Email christianswingers@gmail.com for more details.

Sorcerer looking for 9 chosen warriors to participate in tournament. Must have interesting abilities. Ice powers, green fireballs and spear in hand already taken.

Must have own fatality. Pxt profile picture and moves list to 021356241 Emo Club – For emo people. Advice on fringes and cutting. Email amazinghair@ gmail.com Looking for a reaction: text 021 047 9089 if you’re a big jerk.

Notices are free for students to advertise with. To get your notice in, come up to the WSU reception and fill in a notice form or email nexus@waikato.ac.nz with your notice. Please keep word limit to 100 words max and get your notices in before Tuesday 5 PM, 5 days prior to magazine publishing day.

Get involved and meet new people Clubs and societies are a great way to meet people with similar interests. Come to the WSU reception and get a list of the clubs and societies you can join up to and take part in. If you want, you can even start your own club!

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Columns

Los Libros

MeEt Nexus’ new relationships counsellor

Miscellaneous Musings from M-block

Dear Agony Art Recently you said that girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money. Is that true? I have no car and only a learner’s licence, so will I be alone for the rest of my life?

Worried Teen Dear Worried Teen I probably should have been a little bit more specific when I said what I said. Girls, you have to understand, aren’t too dissimilar from us guys. Of course there are girls out there who date obnoxious pricks with loud cars who wear muscle shirts and smoke Marlboro Reds. There are also guys who only date girls with tiny brains, tiny waists and gigantic breasts, prancing around the entrance to the Outback, tripped off their nut on herbal pills. I myself have never had a problem dating girls while absolutely car-free. Then again, I don’t date girls with tiny brains. It’s just a vocal minority from both genders who propagate the myth of their sex, namely munters and skanks. I’ve found that if a girl stops flirting with you as soon as you say “I walk or skate everywhere”, then she’s not the girl for me.

Loneliness is better than the company of stupidity.

Agony Art Dear Agony Art Every time I put on a condom, I lose my erection. Is this common? Should I get my girlfriend to just start taking the pill, or get a vasectomy or something?

Waiting for the Pain

Books and fire don’t tend to mix that well, but there have been those who had a different take on the matter.

The Nazis consigned anything to the flames that was not seen to embody, or could not be distorted into supporting, their crude ideology. Including the works of Heinrich Heine, who wrote, “where one burns books one in the end burns men.”

He was here referring to the burning of the Koran by the Spanish Inquisition.

Of course, the Inquisition was not the only Christian bookburning incident. The Conquistadors burnt Aztec books in an attempt to eradicate a competing mythology and history, Pope Gregory IX instigated the burning of thousands of copies of the Jewish Talmud and in recent years many American Churches set about putting Harry Potter to the flames. Not that atheists are free from such behaviour. For example, the Bolsheviks also warmed their hands on the flames of books considered contrary to Communism.

Now with the rise of digital technology perhaps computer viruses pose a bigger threat. However, I fear that any books of value will instead become marginalised and drowned in a deluge of superfluous secondary literature, the vast proliferation of material on marketing and management, and the intellectual onanism of the pomo lit crit crowd. During my time here I have already seen works that would have been given pride of place in libraries such as Alexandria shifted off to storage facilities to make room for masses of such second rate material.

Dear Waiting for the Pain Firstly, you better be sure about that vasectomy thing. I hear only 25% of them can be reversed. It’d probably be best to put a bunch of your little guys on ice if you’re keen to take a step like that.

Secondly, as far as the pill goes, it can cause a girl to put on weight, as well as decrease her sex drive. So, depending on what kind of man you are, this may put you off her (unless you’re a real man and you love her no matter what). Also the pill doesn’t stop STI transmission. Not even a little bit. Thirdly, you know condoms come in bigger sizes, right? It took me ages to find out about this, but thank God I did. Finally, it’s not up to you at all. Not even a little bit.

It’s your girlfriend’s body and it’s her decision. I recommend trying the large size of condoms before you even bring it up.

Email your Agony Art questions to nexus@waikato.ac.nz 34

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Gotcha!

Agony Art

Chomsky has written on how contemporary media manipulates and filters information to promote certain ideas while marginalising others; “the doctrinal system… divert[s] the unwashed masses and reinforce[s] the basic social values: passivity, submissiveness to authority, the overriding virtue of greed and personal gain.” This can be seen with many students being almost solely concerned with easily digestible material that will help get them a meal ticket into the corporate world (hence the emphasis on marketing and management). As such, the powers that be have no need for mass burnings. The books that contain ideas that would light a fire in hearts and minds and put the values underlying our society under interrogation often go unread. Nonetheless, I know not all of you have had your minds clouded and for you there are great thinkers whose words now gather dust, but wait to be put into action.

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More Words That Should Exist

Comic Sands

Frisken The way cats claw you when they’re pretending to be affectionate.

DEGREE PLANNER

So, you’ve decided to go to Uni...

- Sporting an oversized backpack -20pts - Looking constantly lost & amazed -10pts - And go out every night in Oweek +10pts - And score every night in Oweek +50pts

LAW Never suffer from insomnia again!

Now you’ll always have that nice thick Land Law book to get you Zzzing.

That shit should be on infomercials.

HOORAY. Graduation

HISTORY / COMP SCI ECONOMICS / Congrats LINGUISTICS ETC for choosing Nice work, you just something chose a degree that with real leads to NOWHERE. relevance in Your career choices today’s world are now limited to: +100pts 1) Teaching history / economics / linguistics etc.

-300pts HOORAY. Graduation

CAREER: BIG IMPORTANT LAWYER - Spend 30 years doing crappy admin work in hope of one day becoming partner and start giving the orders -50pts - Take advantage of loop holes in tax law and help Big Important Managers avoid paying any tax at all. Supplement their already bloated income, while telling yourself that you’re only doing your job. +50pts - Grow a conscience and get fired +50pts

Poor grades in high school...

SPORTS SCI Eventually fail at (insert sport here) Being first, and only job at Briscoes. Realise that no-one gives a shit about sport, and that your one reason for existence was all smoke and mirrors +40pts

ARTS / MUSIC Seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it’s starting to dawn on you that you weren’t quite as good a cartoonist / guitar player as you thought. On the positive side no-one will ever expect you to shower or eat off a plate again +40pts

CAREER: NERD - Get pushed around as the network administrator in some big company, only to be fired a year later because you frittered your time away on WoW, 4chan and Myspace -100pts & 50% of your mana pool - Drop out of uni to start your own ‘web 2.0’ startup with a bunch of mates. Fail to raise any VC capital and end up wasting all your parents hard earned money on your half-arsed idea -100pts - End up creating Nexus’ weekly puzzle page -10pts

T LYRIC?an m WHAT ’S THA , I’m a business,

sman I’m not a busines in the game. move just to stay a e Trying to mak mean. ur, to nice to be nd To sweet to be so the faces in the sa s the package. It’ on ng ili sm e th It’s ... the break of dawn Sit down free at ’s ride. let on e m co so r, e ca Everybody in th * Quote taken out of context.

Coincidice When the thing that you’ve repeatedly mentally warned yourself to watch out for happens.

Boron Descriptive of that kind of person who inevitably sits next to you on public transport. Thus: Boring/inarticulate/trainspotter/vulgar/obese/having a total lack of personal hygiene/completely insane"

Torculate To go out of your way to remember an interesting story, only to forget it immediately on beginning to tell it to someone.

What Degree?

Good grades in high school...

Toxt books Old text books, marked papers, and notebooks which you have saved for some reason and only look at when doing the spring clean or moving house.

Very poor grades in high school...

MANAGEMENT Get ready to pay through the nose for a degree comprised entirely of common sense. This is a real quote from a management text book*: ‘Management is all about managing.’

DENIED ENTRY - Cry in front of the admissions board and get a pity entry +20pts - Opt to give up and start that hairdressing apprenticeship you had your eye on in 6th form -60pts - Start a ‘uni entrance’ paper in order to try next semester, decide it’s not worthwhile and dropout +100pts Dropout

HOORAY. Graduation

Join failures Bill Gates, Larry Elison, Steve Jobs, Michael Dell, Richard Branson and Dhirubhai Ambani in Club Uni-Dropout. +1000pts

HOMELESS and giving head for smack

CAREER: BIG IMPORTANT MANAGER - Find out in your first year that what you should’ve been learning to be a successful manager is lying, ass-kissing and golf +50pts - Find this out in 40 years when you’re too old to swing a club and you’ve spent the good part of your life as a corporate whore -300pts - Get paid handsomely to screw hundreds and thousands of employees and shareholders out of savings and investments with shady book keeping and inflated profit forecasts +100pts - Realise at 35 you’re a lonely, greedy prick who has squandered their youth in pursuit of a 3 series BMW, a shallow, fake wife and bratty spoilt kids.

- Eat lead. -500pts - Start Uni again as a ‘mature’ student -1000pts

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MANAGEMENT ARTS LAW SCIENCE SPORTS COMPUTERSCIENCE ENGINEERING TEACHING ring the correct left-over word nd word into Nexus and score a free DVD rental from AUTEUR HOUSE (555 Victoria St)

Outlook looking bleak? Want more Career Advice?

Check out The Jake & Josh Show at 3pm Tuesdays. Only on Contact FM 88.1

Columns

BY KRANG Marriage is the holy unity between man, woman, God and The Man. Yes, the Third Eye has explained time and time again that The Man insists that people get married so to best unify pairings and treat them as one unit to best extort money from.

One of the initial exploitations by The Man is all to do with rings.

First the friendship ring, then the engagement ring and then the wedding ring. All of these rings were forged by the fires of Hell and each gem is made from the crystalline tears of third world slaves and sold at 3000 times more than the initial price of the tear. AIDS was also made to make third world slaves cry more about the loss of their parents, hence more tears and more rings to enslave the unsuspecting innocents into exploitation.

In my last article I mentioned nuclear waste and its many bizarre uses.

Sports Thoughts

By Joseph Ross The time has come once again for golf’s quest for a coveted green jacket - The Masters.

Every year since 1934, the Masters tournament is played at the Augusta National Golf Club, USA. This year, the first round will be played on Thursday 5 April and the trophy and green jacket will be issued at the end of the day on Easter Sunday, 8 April. To compete, a player must be invited – they cannot just apply to play. Augusta has a par of 72 per round.

In 2006, the champion was Phil Mickelson, who shot a 7-under par 281 (1st round 70, 2nd round 72, 3rd round 70, 4th round 69). The 36-year-old will be looking to defend his title and win his 3rd masters tournament (he was also champion in 2004). But with Tiger Woods also playing, Michelson will be in for a challenge. In the field are other top-line professional golfers, such as Vijay Singh, Rich Beem, Ernie Els, Nick Faldo, Retief Goosen, Colin Montgomerie and Jack Nicklaus.

A notable milestone is that of South Africa’s Gary Player, who will be

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Probably the most tragic of marriages are the ones that turn to mush.

That’s when The Man has his trained dogs in waiting (Lawyers) to handle the (dis)agreements and charge an arm and a leg to help fund The Man’s research into class A drugs which are used to drive poor people crazy, make the disadvantaged even more poorer (to entice them into becoming subservient population control sentinels as was explained in an earlier column). This causes our society to breed more materialistic consumer whores who need to pay for insurance and the salaries of policepersons who create a facade which makes it look like they are patrolling the streets for everyone’s safety.

What a farce! This diabolical ballet of deception is fuelled by the constructed desires of the weak and oppressed. Disbelieve in these notions of “marriage” as most likely it won’t work for 95 per cent of the world’s population and will simply translate to chump change in The Man’s swiss bank account.

playing in his 50th Masters tournament.

That sort of longevity can only be achieved by people who are incredibly passionate and committed. He has won three tournaments in 1961, 1974 and 1978.

New Zealand does have some involvement in the Masters this year with 2005 US Open champion Michael Campbell competing. He is eligible both because of the US Open title and also because he was in the top 50 on the Official World Golf Ranking at the end of 2006. This will be Campbell’s 7th Masters tournament.

Now for some Masters trivia...

• Jack Nicklaus has the most Masters wins with 6 (1963, 1965, 1966, 1972, 1975, 1986) • Amateurs have never won the tournament – only professionals • Every hole is named after a plant or a shrub • The youngest player to win a Masters was Tiger Woods (21 yrs 105 days) in 1997 • The colour of patrons drink napkins is the same colour as the grass so dropped napkins don’t show up on TV • The green jacket is estimated to cost $250 (US) to make • It is a tradition for the previous year’s winner to present the green jacket. So, Mickelson will have to present it this year if he cannot defend his title.

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MADE FROM SLAVE’S TEARS

Well, one of said uses is to create the strange hard icing on those terrible and disgusting wedding cakes (even without the icing they take about 500-1,000 years to decompose). Eating these cakes helps permanently retard the brains of the bride, groom, their family and friends, thus making it easier for The Man to unjustly grab all their funds.

Columns

A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend with cheddar is better Friends are great! They’re fun to do stuff with, they’re nice and, if you’re lucky, they’re also great for shagging. In fact, you may be lucky enough to say that you have lots of friends. A grand circle of friends. An orgy of friends. But, when their friends try to join your circle, that’s when things can get messy.

You know the type. You’ve been friends with them for a while.

A good six years, in fact. Then you go to uni and you meet new people and get along with them really well. You go out with them and generally have a great time. You introduce your old friend to your new friends. They don’t like him/her, but you can’t tell your old friend that. So the old friend joins your new circle, uninvited.

They’re parasitic, they’re annoying and they’re usually ugly.

They’ll take any opportunity to join your circle because they’re friends with you. You’ll say something along the lines of “Mary, Mark and I are going to the Klaus Barbie Museum later on today” and they’ll respond with “Cool, can I come?”

And how you respond to those four words is crucial. If you say “No, because you weren’t invited”, then they’ll assume that you don’t like them anymore and proceed to write a column in the local student magazine airing your dirty laundry. If you tell the person that they can come, then your cool new friends will talk to you less and less and, sooner or later, you will become a social outcast and your only friend will be an ugly, annoying parasite.

If your friend is of the opposite sex, however, then that’s when you are truly screwed. They will force their way into your circle and, eventually, will propose that the two of you should date so that you can come to their gatherings as a plus-one, as opposed to a hanger-on. This is when you tell your friend that you both should go your separate ways and stop the friend thing. It’ll sting for about 4 hours, but that’s nothing your cool, new friends and a box of Tui can’t successfully resolve.

Next week: Part one of a two part series exploring the dark underbelly of Christianity.

www.nexusmag.co.nz

With Candice Bottomsworth No sooner had we landed in Guatemala City and I had settled myself in for what may yet turn out to be a rather long wait for James William Botheringham-Smythe the third, than I began to relax. The steady hubbub of the impoverished, stenching masses soothed my weary brain – either that or the bottle of 1972 Romanée Conti I had brought with me to block out the smell of poverty as best I could.

My mind began to wander, back to the days when I was a university student. One of the young chaps courting me then was rather fond of something he called ‘live roleplaying’. I actually had a beau later on who was fond of ‘dead roleplaying’, wherein I was to don a toetag and ghoulish makeup and lie very still whilst he ravished me, but that is perhaps a story for another column.

Not that ‘live roleplaying’ is any less strange than simulated necrophilic cunnilingus, mind you. If you have never met a live roleplayer, I urge you strongly to strive to extend that situation indefinitely. Never mind the actual activity of ‘live roleplaying’, which simply involves a dozen or so virginal, yet adult, men crashing around some public park or other with replica swords pretending to be elves, wizards, and so forth; the personality of the live roleplayer is one of the most acquired tastes one is ever likely to have to acquire.

The most perplexing aspect of his character is one that is often shared by physics undergrads, members of the Young Nats and alcoholic philosophy lecturers: it is the propensity to assume, when his partner in conversation gives off a slightly puzzled air and is not laughing along uproariously to the faintly humorous anecdote he has just shared, that the way to elicit the required hilarity is the explain the joke ad nauseum.

His inability to think other than in completely literal terms is another trait he shares with the more nebbish members of society; but his tendency to think that he is literally a goblin, an elf, a damsel in distress or another fantastical imagined creature is his alone, and stems most probably from a ‘unique’ upbringing, the exact nature of which we should not dwell upon, lest we be dragged into dark thoughts at precisely the time that we need to shine as much light as we can into the horrendous shadow of the International Rotararian Conspiracy!

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Comic

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Columns

The $3 Chef Proper Stir fry Hands up who caught the mistake in the last $3 Chef. You? Good job, Jimmy. That’s right, last week’s recipe was mislabeled - it said ‘Stir fry’ when it was in fact ‘Fried Rice’. Oh boy is my face red.

This week though, we will learn about a stir fry.

A stir fry is basically noodles, sauces, spices, meat and vegetables all fried and stirred. Nice and easy right? To start with, I recommend using beef. There is no benefit in using a nice cut; rump, tenderised steak or chuck steak will do. The vegetables are easiest in frozen bag form.

Similar to me in bed, this will take no more than 20 minutes (and that’s with all the extras).

You want to cut the beef into long thin slices.

Heat oil in a pan, throw meat on while hot, add salt. When it no longer contains killer bugs, remove from heat. Cook it less than you usually would or else it’ll be too tough later, like

grandpa.

While the meat is cooling, start cooking two minute noodles. Throw the sachet thing at your flatmate’s eyes to help the flavour develop.

One cake per person is roughly enough, two for muscle bound ones like me.

Reheat the same pan and throw in the vegetables. Now shake it like a Polaroid picture; it helps the veges cook through and not burn.

The noodles should be ready now so drain and put in the pan. Throw meat on top. Shake to mix it all together. The steam and juice in the veges will deglaze the pan and should make something sauce-like for the taste. (BTW. The last line is a wicked bad pickup line, I know).

Now that’s all good and great, but I promised you extras. This is the part where I snuff out my cigarette and roll back on top. Garlic will expand the taste nicely so try frying it in the heating oil.

Soy is never a bad thing on a stir fry, but you can also add it to the frying veges and a few drops in the meat can help tenderize the tougher cuts.

Spices like paprika, chili peppers or other hot spices also work well.

The real professional touch comes in the form of oyster and fish sauces. You can get them at the Asian supermarket (word of warning, oyster sauce has a baby on it and the fish sauce has a panda, don’t get confused with baby and panda puree). Add these during the mixing of all the ingredients. Go slow though, they can smell a lot though they taste good - a table spoon of each is roughly enough.

Pricelist Noodles Veges Soy Beef Other sauces

50c $1 stolen $1.50 up to $5 a bottle

RESULTS MAY VARY

the kissing thing. Otherwise, it’s probably a lost cause.

The Magic 8 Ball Magic 8 Ball is a butt crack.

Our flat hasn’t been shopping since we all got our course-related costs in week one. Will somebody go to the supermarket during midsemester break?

Yes. Your mum will, after you ring her crying to tell her you have scurvy and scabs all over your body from lack of nutrition. But she won’t do that if she’s seen you in the Busted page, so keep that in mind next time you’re spending money on RTD’s instead of fruit.

Have my flatmates done my washing for me today?

It is certain. And the Pope is a Mormon. Are you Captain Dementor or something? On what planet do your flatmates do your washing? Planet Imaginary Nice Flatmates? Sheesh, you’re not very bright are you…

Am I going to be super-organised over the break and catch up on all those readings I’ve been meaning to do?

Reply hazy, try again. Magic 8 Ball can not see into the sixth dimension of impossibility.

If I get someone to take a picture of me kissing my friend and send it in to the Busted page in Nexus, will my mum be upset?

Concentrate and ask again. Get someone to take a photo of you concentrating and see if that upsets her. If not, you might be safe to try

Will I maybe just read the first chapter of a text book?

Better not tell you now. Why don’t you just withdraw from your papers while you still can instead of waiting for the IC’s to pile up on your academic record?

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Columns

BY ISA

BY BLAIR NICHOLSON

The term is drawing to an end already, test and assignments are being bandied about like confetti and stress levels are running high. I have a few tid-bits of advice when it comes to matters such as these; relax, eat fish and enjoy the luxury of being lazy.

Introducing the Great List of Weird (and sometimes sad) Phobias

Relax - stress doesn’t help anything. In fact, it makes everything worse. Even physical problems are aggravated by stress. Also, when you are stressed bad things tend to happen with technology: computers crash, printers chew paper, photocopiers go on strike. Machines don’t like your attitude, your chi is disruptive to their mechanical flow. Whatever you do, don’t swear at them - this will just make them crankier. Chill and back up all your work with one of those nifty USB key ring things.

Eat fish - fish oils are good for your brain and you can get the stuff in capsules from the supermarket or health shop.

Omega 3 does wonders for your memory (it’s a miracle food).

Unfortunately for vegetarians and vegans it is very difficult to get omega 3 without fish. The enzyme, delta 6, can be difficult to convert and if you are relying on a flaxseed source you need to make sure you have enough B12, B6, biotin, folic acid, vitamin C, niacin, zinc, selenium and magnesium. Delta 6 prioritises the omega 6 pathway so having too many other seeds in your diet can also interfere with the conversion process in much the same way that naughty-fun things interfere with religious conversion Enjoy the luxury of being lazy - it’s not good enough to just slack off and procrastinate when you have things to do. Assignments will niggle away in the back of your mind and whisper stress into your dreams like tapeworms. If you are going to be lazy do it properly. Get everything done first, then you can really relax in the knowledge that you are awesome.

Pogonophobia Genuphobia Archibutyrophobia

the fear of beards the fear of knees the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth

Phobophobia

the fear of fear itself

Scopophobia

the fear of being naked

Gemophobia

the fear of prominent chins

Chorophobia

the fear of dancing

Osphresiophobia

the fear of body odour

Phagophobia

the fear of swallowing

Helminthophobia

the fear of worms

Odontophobia

the fear of teeth

Hodophobia

the fear of travel

Parthenohobia

the fear of young girls

Amathophobia

the fear of dust.

Decoraphobia

the fear of interior decorating

Heortophobia

the fear of holidays

Panphobia

the fear of everything

Ginophobia

the fear of beds

Lechanophobia

the fear of vegetables

PH34R THE B34RD

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Columns

BY VITAMIN C Welcome again, infertile reader! Last week this column was absent, but like a young management girl playing hard-to-get I am suddenly back to confuse and confound your logic, and tantalise your burning loins with the promise of a blurry naked pxt.

There have been a few avid questers writing in to Nexus and instant messaging my character in waiKato asking for tips on how to get ahead. Instead of just telling you what to do like usual, I thought I would help you advance by providing an example. Most people who are close to me (both of them) are aware that I am pretty much the pinnacle of human development, so without further ado here are some images from some recent questing. Basically what you want to do is get your character as much as possible like mine.

Here is myself and Special K out questing last night. Look at all that experience. We are a little low on HP because someone left all of our potions in a tavern.

We got into a fight outside the Bahama Hut.

Complete the 18th Birthday quest to get ID, a valuable item.

The equipment screen – I find it’s better to blend in to the lower class taverns if I can, despite the decrease in stats.

A relatively simple quest. www.nexusmag.co.nz

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CITRIC

BY MS EMERY Hellooo! Is anything happening out there? Is any one making or breaking music? Drop us a line at nexus@waikato.ac.nz if you ‘re doing something in the music world that should be mentioned here.

Congrats to Antagonist who recently won a handful of Punkas Awards including: Best NZ Band, Best NZ Release (These Cities, Our Graves) and also the much vaunted sex symbol of the year went to their front man Samsam. Also clearly marking Hamtown as a king-hitter in the Hardcore scene was the awarding of the gig of the year to the Hamtown Smakdown.

Some beautiful music worthy of your time: http://www.myspace.com/mildamerica Unsubstantiated rumour going around is that Upsett Records are changing their name. I hear the reasoning is because they don’t like their name. Yes it is a slow news week.

Technical Death metallers Ulcerate commence a mini tour in support of their new CD Of Fracture and Failure. Unfortunately just like Brooke Fraser they will be bypassing Hamilton. They do however play Auckland 7th April at Kings Arms and Tauranga 14th April at Brewers.

Mole Music are busy arranging distribution for a handful of Hamilton and Auckland Bands and also have some tours in the works to keep everyone alive during Winter. The mighty Alps from Australia will be back as well as other folk I am assured.

Local Singer Songwriters, Luke Thompson and Kimbra, have recently toured in support of singles released through NZ On Air. As of print they should have completed their trek around the country but if you missed them keep an eye on their myspaces as these fullas play a lot. www.myspace.com/kimbramusic www.myspace.com/lukethompson Local Tag Team Extreme, Megaheroes, have been practising and writing hard with pipe dreams of recording an upcoming album and EP. Of course these are likely crack-pipe dreams.

The Wrongmen are back to play their second Ham show after Smakdown on their Massive NZ World Tour with an All Ager at Upsett Records 6th April.

Strangers, Gawj and Guests also play.

The Shrugs have recently played at Ward Lane which offers further proof that they have not broken up.

Local Noise Terrorists PSI have are coming back out of cold storage with a few upcoming shows in Hamiltonia and an excursion to Auckland. These lads and lasses play an odd mix of rock/pop/punk and must be due for some kind of audio release beyond that walkman recorded tune I heard years back.

Anybody play in a christian rock band? Are there any Stryper tribute bands in Hamilton? Drop me a line, people need to know about these things. Surely with the mega-ass Parachute festival being based in Cameltoe there are a lot of folks busting their nuts over power chords for Jesus.

Conclusions AMY RACECAR Reviewed by Lazy Journo You’d be pushing shit up hill trying to ent.ice me to review anything by anyone who doesn’t respect and love women and/or jah, let alone an album by a band who hang up golliwogs at their shows (Oops, my irony detector needs re-calibrating). But in this case I’ll make a whopping exception.

Hamilton’s favourite imports (and soon to be Melbourne’s) leave this foggy swamp with a collection of songs that mark their progession towards a uniquely agitated pop sound. Renditions of earlier tracks (Fear of Girls, Bathroom Inferno) turn jazzy doowop-style pop on its head with a frenzy of frantic piano chords and blast beats, while later material (Hazing, 12 Seasons) develops more consistent structure whilst retaining an air of tension and unpredictability. But it is one of their newest songs, the insanely catchy disco-punk-meets-polka ‘Satan’, that is clearly the standout track of the album.

It seems Amy Racecar are having the most fun when making unrelenting noise, but it’s their pop sensibilities that come across strongest in their songs and that makes for a highly exciting combination. Have a look out for it in CD stores soon.

Hamilton's newest and biggest

CD DVD & Vinyl store 07 839 4435 PHONE

CORNER OF WARD AND VICTORIA ST , HAMILTON 42

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

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Kuniko Mukaida’s tale of four sisters’ emotional family reunion.

Don’t worry, there are subtitles for non-Japanese-speaking film buffs. It starts at 7pm in L3, and it’s free.

Friday

The good news is that there are only four more days of Uni before the mid-semester break. The bad news is that things are pretty dead on the gig front this week. Might be a good chance to get some study in before slipping into holiday mode. Or, you could check out some films and art instead. Some things can be good and good for you…like chocolate!

Monday Stations Of The Cross, at the Hamilton Gardens, puts a modern spin on an Easter tradition. Fifteen local artists contributed sculpted icons to the outdoor installation, in both traditional and new media.

You can check it out till Easter Sunday.

Tuesday Hamilton Film Society screens classic, foreign and interesting films every Tuesday night from 8pm at Victoria Cinema. This week’s film is a Canadian tour de force, Antanarjuat The Fast Runner.

Memberships and three-film Flexipasses are available on the night.

If you like your music loud, hard and raw, get down to Upsett Records this evening to see The Wrongmen on their national tour. Hardcore fans might recognise ex-members of Evil Priest and The Warpath in their ranks. Get up there early to see Gawj, Strangers and more. All Upsett shows are All Ages.

Saturday Since the bars are all shut on Friday night, you might like to take advantage of a relatively hangover-free Saturday morning and hit the Frankton Markets for cheap veges, live entertainment, local crafts and heaps of early-morning bargains.

Belgian techno-rockers Soulwax (and their alter-ego 2ManyDJs) hit the St James in Auckland tonight. They were one of the best-kept secrets of last year’s Big Day Out, well worth checking out.

Sunday Scientists have proven that dark chocolate is rich in antioxidants and may protect against heart disease, so get stuck into the easter eggs.

Wednesday Waikato students perform selected musical works at the Academy of Performing Arts at 1pm this afternoon. Bring your lunch and a gold coin for admission.

Zebra play the good kind of jazz at The Cook, Ham East, from 7pm.

It’s free, and the chips come with bacon.

Black Grace’s latest tour, Amata is on tonight and tomorrow at the Academy of Performing Arts. The “evocative” dance and movement performance was a hit of the recent AK07 Auckland arts festival.

Book your seat at ticketdirect.co.nz or at any Hamilton Public Library.

Thursday The Japanese department of the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences has arranged a series of free film screenings. Tonight is Like Ashura, Got something on that isn’t on here? Want to list an event on here? Email us at nexus@waikato.ac.nz or submit an event via our website at www.nexusmag.co.nz www.nexusmag.co.nz

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Reviews

BOOKS Symphony JUDE MORGAN Reviewed By Alana Fergusson Jude Morgan received a great deal of acclaim for his last novel Passion, a tale about the loves of Byron, Shelley and Keats. Great as that masterpiece is and much as it gripped me and pushed every emotional button I have, I’d have to admit that I prefer his latest offering, Symphony.

parents Dr and Finette Berlioz come to life as totally three dimensional and rounded human beings. For example, one of the sadder moments in the book is the description of Berlioz’s mothers’ death which could have been a throw away sequence in the hands of a lesser writer.

However, the focus of this book, composer Hector Berlioz, might be considered to have a less universal appeal than the aforementioned Romantic poets. This is a shame because this novel is utterly fascinating and more concentrated than Passion ever was. If one were to perhaps compare Morgan with Tolstoy, Passion would be to War and Peace as Symphony is to Anna Karenina.

The thing that strikes me most about the book, apart from its imaginative reinventions of things I thought I already knew about, is the beauty and elegance of Morgan’s prose.

Certain sequences would cling to me for days after I had read it, like a peculiarly intense dream. I still remember Harriet’s thoughts and feelings on going to the theatre for the first time as a little girl in Ireland, her feelings on hearing Berlioz’s most famous work (Symphonie Fantastique) and the brilliant, sometimes hilarious sketches of celebrities in London and Paris in the first half of the 1800’s such as Chopin, Liszt, Kean and Kemble.

The way the period is brought to life is a tour de force. More than that, it reflects our own humanity back at us with a Shakespearean verisimilitude. The most powerful passages are Morgan’s portrait of Berlioz and Harriet’s ultimately disastrous marriage, and the emotional effect is devastating.

Where he scores most highly is in his depiction of Harriet Smithson, an Irish actress who in 1827 wowed Paris theatre audiences with her blinding performances of Shakespearean heroines Ophelia and Juliet. Smithson was Berlioz’s inspiration and later became his first wife. Berlioz is still shockingly forgotten when it comes to most peoples lists of great composers as his originality, inventiveness and dramatic power is comparable to Beethoven. Nevertheless, in having Harriet as the main character whilst Berlioz is demoted to her “love interest” we get an entirely new and illuminating look at the circumstances surrounding the man himself.

We also see the misery his defiance of the musical and societal conventions of his day caused those closest to him. Rather than reducing his relatives to dull followers of the strictures of the age in which they lived, his

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The last time a book has excited, moved or enriched me so much was Passion. I hope Morgan is as appreciated as an author as he deserves to be and that he’ll carry on with more of this extraordinary work. This is a fantastic book but will be far more enjoyable for those who are avid readers and understand the background of the characters he is trying to portray.

Judging a book by its cover Backstage with Jeanette JEANETTE WILSON Reviewed by Irvina Ploppypants Judging this book by its cover, one of Random House’s editors really had to work hard to turn psychic healer Jeanette Wilson’s ramblings into anything resembling coherency. Jeanette is one of those authors who claims to have attended the “university of life”, which is that special university where you leave an abusive husband in order to find yourself and dead people talk to you when nobody else will.

Judging this book by its press release, this book has very little substance. The focus is on Jeanette’s experiences as a clairvoyant medium, traveling the world and filling theatres full of grieving individuals who are desperate for an opportunity to get in touch with the people they miss so much.

Judging this book by its chapter titles, Jeanette Wilson has taken a great deal of ‘inspiration’ and ‘direction’ in writing this book from her peer in the clairvoyant world, Alison Dubois (author of We are their heaven: Why the dead never leave us whose life is the basis for the TV show Medium). The chapter titles are pretty much exactly the same as Dubois’.

It looks like it’s actually the same book. But with a less good cover.

All in all, 1 out of 5 stars for general uselessness.

www.nexusmag.co.nz

Reviews

FILMS Hot Fuzz SKYCITY CINEMA Reviewed by Joe Citizen Made by the same people who bought us that quintessential zombie movie, ‘Shaun of the Dead.’ With this in mind, it comes as no surprise that beneath this fairly innocuous looking comedy lurks a similar vein of pure splatter. What do you do if you’ve made a cult movie and managed to convince someone to give you a slightly bigger budget? Blow it all in the last third by the looks of it. The first third is nothing remarkable in a cinematic sense, save for some nice quick cuts that lift what looks like fairly mediocre storytelling into a passable rendition of a plot. By the middle of the movie I’m wondering what I’m going to have for tea, which in review speak means I’m definitely getting bored with a film that isn’t totally sure what type of comedy it is.

Farce is always difficult to get right - too much and it’s so cheesy you’re embarrassed to laugh; too little, you think its just a bad movie.

Luckily, the last third is absolutely brilliant. Brilliant if you like gun fights, chases and over the top gore, that is. I laughed so much I almost wet myself. Sure, the plot has gone belly side up at this point, but so what? This should be compulsory viewing for anyone wanting to study comedy-action, or by anyone who enjoyed Bad Taste.

This is neither over-the-top gore nor graphic violence for the sake of violence, but splatter, an often misunderstood genre which strong slapstick undertones. Hot Fuzz is just a bit simple in terms of the characters and plot, but succeeds in combining comedy with action by sending up stereotypical cop movies. The ending is more a homage to the quintessential westerns that all cops secretly aspire to. It’s waaay over the top.

All in all, a mixed bag. Probably not as cool nor as sharp as ‘Shaun of the Dead,’ but definitely with some outstanding action/ comedy moments. Worth watching to admire the technical skill with which it was put together, especially the editing.

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THE

AUTEUR HOUSE INTRODUCTION TO

Lars Von Trier

BY RICHARD SWAINSON Danish enfant terrible Lars Von Trier is the very definition of the film director as contemporary artist and polemicist. Self consciously so. He incorporated the “Von” into his name by deed poll to evoke the memory of 1930s stylist Josef Von Sternberg. He wears a coat formerly owned by Carl Theordore Dreyer, his country’s most renowned auteur.

Von Trier’s ground-breaking television series, ‘The Kingdom’ (1994) and its sequel have recently been released on DVD. Commonly compared to ‘Twin Peaks’ for the sly surrealism, supernatural content and all round depth of characterisation, what ‘The Kingdom’ lacks in production values and special effects it makes up for in terms of wit and satire. Though some of the humour pertains to cultural specifics like the rivalry between Denmark and Sweden, the depiction of big hospital politics will ring true to any familiar with Western bureaucracies. Or medical soap operas, for that matter.

Von Trier is very big on his trilogies. He launched his career as a feature filmmaker with a trio of works which examined the dark underbelly of the Continent. ‘Europa’ (1992). The last of these (and the only one easily available in this country) is an acquired taste, a post-modern exercise set in Germany in the aftermath of World War II, which revels in its artificiality and optical effects.

A broader public and greater critical acclaim greeted Lars’ trilogy of female suffering. ‘Breaking the Waves’ (1996) showcases the best performance of the decade in Emily Watson’s naive young wife whose sexual martyrdom on behalf of her paralysed spouse incurs the wrath of her puritanical community. It is one of the few films I can think of where the last image makes one reconsider all that comes before it.

‘The Idiots’ (1998) is more openly humourous, but no less contemptuous of social hypocrisy, telling the tale of a group of affluent twentysomethings who attempt to deconstruct bourgeois society by posing as intellectually handicapped. Von Trier courted controversy by incorporating performers who were actually mentally impaired, foregrounding the ethical dilemmas the film posed. He also gleefully shot an orgy in which his actors may or may not enjoy real bouts of coitus (certainly someone does).

‘Dancer in the Dark’ (2000) concluded the trilogy on a rhythmical note, employing Bjork as a sheet metal worker, wrongly convicted of murder, who’s also slowly going blind. A highly stylised blend of silent movie-like melodrama, contemporary MTV aesthetics crossed with the last gasp of the Dogme 95 movement, and more conventional musical numbers (‘Cabaret’s’Joel Grey has a great tap-dancing cameo), its critique of American capitalism was very bitter indeed.

Worse - or certainly more - was to come from Von Trier in this vein. That story will wait until next week. In the meantime, all of the above discs are available at Auteur House.

ISSUE 6 · 2 APRIL, 2007

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Original paintings by James Wilson. Exhibition runs from 24th April to 12 May at Platform 01, 467 Victoria Street. Wed-Fri 11.30am-3pm, Sat-Sun 11am5pm. Opening April 24th at 5.30pm.

Triconic Threads – Te Miro Tuitui Works by Jodi Coromandel Tautari showing until the 16th April, 9am to 5pm weekdays in the Calder and Lawson Gallery, Academy of Performing Arts. Free entry.

Black Grace Black Grace is New Zealand’s leading contemporary dance company. Fusing Pacific and contemporary dance in an extraordinary and dynamic form, Black Grace has become

internationally renowned for its artistry, creative excellence and innovation. Black Grace will be performing Neil Ieremia’s latest work, Amata, with an all-female company at the Academy of Performing Arts, University of Waikato at 5pm on Wednesday 4th April and Thursday 5th April.

Tickets cost $35 and can be purchased through TicketDirect. www.blackgrace.co.nz

NZ Wars – the Waikato campaign Open daily at the Te Awamutu Museum until 10th May. Contact Beate Schiller-O’Brien on 07 872 0085 for further details.

The Zen of Watercolour This weekend workshop provides for participants to explore the creative process through art and awareness. Developing on

PAINTING BY JAMES WILSON

I think of you often and wish things were different

watercolour painting, drawing, colour mixing and oriental brush and ink painting. These explorations with watercolour master Robert Sinclair are designed to open up your intuitive being. Saturday 14th April and Sunday 15th April from 9-4pm at the Houchen Retreat House, 83 Houchens Road Hamilton. Cost is $200 – contact Robert Sinclair on 07 843 5538 for more details.

Extreme Landscapes

Catherine Smith and Pauline Tapping. At ArtsPost until 22nd April.

Stations of the Cross Easter contemporary art installations - Passion of the Christ. Over 30 pieces of art in the new location of the Hamilton Gardens. View a range of fine art, sculpture, moving image, and installations. 8-10pm every night until 7th April. Entry is $5 with complimentary coffee

A Celebration of Diverse Landforms. New works by

If you have an exhibition or event you would like listed in the Nexus Arts Guide, email nexus@waikato.ac.nz

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www.nexusmag.co.nz

Got any funny Busted! pictures you want to share with us? Send ‘em to nexus@waikato.ac.nz and we’ll cram ‘em on here for you so you can point and laugh at ‘em with friends!