issue 6 by Nexus Magazine

Issue 06

19 April 2010

RANDOM:OTHER

Donate to a Family in Need A recently arrived refugee family are moving to Hamilton on 23 April and urgently need donations of furniture and household items in good condition.

• Pots and Pans • Other household items (telephone, lamps, door mats etc) – all the small things that turn a house into a home.

A mum and her 19 year old son are hoping to build a brand new future here in New Zealand - can you help with any items to start them on their journey?

If you can assist please contact the Volunteer Support Workers: Jess - 021 02561886 Ashley – 027 3809103 refugeesupportteam@gmail.com

We’re especially on the lookout for:

DID YOU KNOW? • New Zealand resettles an average of 750 quota refugees per annum referred by the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. • The resettlement of refugees is used only as a last resort when the refugees cannot return safely to their country of origin or when they cannot be integrated into the country in which they ﬁrst sought refuge.

• Drawers/Dressers • Lounge Suite • Dining Table and Chairs • Heaters • Other furniture (desks, shelves, coffee tables etc) • Towels, Warm blankets and other linen • Cutlery • Glasses

www.refugeeservices.org.nz

SKYCITY HAMILTON FUNCTION CENTRE

SATURDAY 8th MAY

TICKETS

$70

on presentation of a tertiary student ID or $75 without

Host responsibility limits apply.

7.30PM

Tickets include: Continuous finger food, plus beer, wine, non alcoholic beverages and Midori Masquerade Cocktails!

Featuring live band ‘Wingmen’

Tickets available from: SKYCITY Hamilton Reception, phone 07 834 4900 or online at www.skycityhamilton.co.nz

EDITORIAL

Please don’t beat me up Sione There comes a time in a young man’s life when he realises that dick and fart jokes just aren’t going to pay the bills and his writing style should start to mature to a more ageappropriate level. Luckily for you guys, I’m not that old yet.

salaries and get a half dozen diversions whenever they get in trouble. As soon as the media got wind of Clint Brown and Tony Veitch being thugs, they were instantly suspended from their jobs. Sione Lauaki and those like him do the same thing

I am going to write for the benefit of my audience, being the student body who are bored on Monday morning. I am not going to write boring editorials about politics and analyse the media using big words in the hope of getting a job with a big paper one day. I don’t want to work for a big paper. I want to be an All Black. I figure being a sportsman in New Zealand must rule. You get away with a whole heap of crimes, you get diversion for the things you do get caught for and women love you (unless you have group sex with them and then don’t call them again). There’s very few times when being a sports person in New Zealand doesn’t pay off. Jesse Ryder is a drunken menace in a public place and still plays cricket. Sione Lauaki gets in multiple scrapes with the law over the years and is still a Waikato player. Meanwhile Tony Veitch allegedly pushes a woman down the stairs in the privacy of his own home and is instantly fired from multiple jobs. Clint Brown gets in a fist fight in a Taupo pub and gets fired from his job too. I’ll ask you an easy question: “Who is more of a role model: the rugby star or the guy who reads their scores on TV”. The rugby star obviously. He’s made the commitment to training, to fitness and to teamwork to make himself an important and valuable addition to the squad. The sports presenter just has to know how to read and sound like sport excites him. Then how is it that rugby stars are totally permitted (perhaps even expected) to go out and be total cocks to everyone they don’t like (thin white people, girls who won’t suck them off in pub toilets, bar staff who won’t serve drunk assholes) and then still get paid mega-

and the WRU release a press release saying they back him 110%. Sione Lauaki assaulted a guy in Coyotes and got diversion. Some poor joker was accused of stealing a drink from a group of Lauaki’s friends. Being the “exceptional leader” the WRU claim he is, he starts punching the guy in the face. I am so going to be a rugby player. It was his third offence. He had already been doing anger management for trashing an Auckland hotel and had been given diversion in 2006 for attacking a security guard. The guy shouldn’t be out on the streets, let alone on the rugby field. Here we have a guy who has a team of nutritionists and personal trainers helping to make him be bigger and stronger and then they let him loose, on the piss and probably mentally damaged from all the big hits he’s been taking on the field. It’s like someone creating the Hulk and then giving him a cask of wine and cab fare for town. How will that possibly end well? Why do we hold these people in such high regard? I’ll tell you why and it’s nothing to do with their skill on the field. We want to be them. We don’t want to have to train or eat right or go to practice, but we sure as hell want our privates licked in the toilets at the Bank, so we can go show all the bar staff. We don’t want to have to dedicate early mornings and late nights to running and drills, but we definitely want “get out of jail free” cards for when we decide someone in the pub is a cock. We look up to rugby players because they’re able to get away with just about anything. So, screw it, I’m going to be a rugby player.

Credits: EDITOR: Art Robinson (editor@nexusmag.co.nz) DESIGN: Talia Musson (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz)

5 Magic 8

ADVERTISING: Ian Musson, Tony Arkell, Sarah Kelly (ads@nexusmag.co.nz) NEWS EDITOR: Grant Burns (news@nexusmag.co.nz) FEATURES EDITOR: Debrin Foxcroft (debrin.foxcroft@gmail.

6 News from here and abroad!

com) WEB GURU: Jed Laundry (jlaundry@gmail.com) MUSIC EDITOR: Hollie Jackson (music@nexusmag.co.nz) FILM EDITOR: Richard Swainson (films@nexusmag.co.nz) BOOKS EDITOR: Kevin Pryor (books@nexusmag.co.nz)

11 The Execution 13 WSU Pages

GAMES EDITORS: To be decided by virtue of content submission (games@nexusmag.co.nz)

Contributors Dirty Old Blair Munro, Pretty Funny Emma Edwards, Dirty

18 Stupid people getting angry in Lettuce

Little Hollie Jackson, Dirty Hipster Kevin Pryor, Sean With The Goatee Castle, Erin “it’s my hair, not a fire” Macfarlane, Loud American Mackenzie McCarty, Whoever Takes Photos at 101 or The Outback, James “Towlie” Manning” Judy’s

20 Fight the Puzzles of Death

Sweet Legs, Dr Richard Swainson, Aunty Emma Abrahams, Ross McCleod,

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, OR ANYONE. WE THINK HOT STEPH NEEDS A BOYFRIEND. EMAIL YOUR BOYFRIEND APPLICATION TO NEXUS@WAIKATO.AC.NZ

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS? EMAIL ads@nexusmag.co.nz

22 I Heart New Zealand 29 Beautiful columns by awesome people! 34 Reviews of everything from movies to books to video games!

OR call 07 838 4653

39 Busted Photos NEXUS IS LOCATED AT Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: editor@nexusmag.co.nz POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

RANDOM: MAGIC

Magic By Someone

Ball

If Spiders dressed up for Halloween, do you think they’d dress as Spiderman? It is Certain. There’s always one supposedly witty bastard who tries to take the piss out themselves on Halloween. Spiders are no different, and have all the same social stereotypes we do. There’s the spider who got such a big laugh with his Octopus costume one year that he’s worn it every year since, the girl spiders who use it as an excuse to reveal as many of their legs as possible and the one who goes as himself, saying ‘what’s scarier than a spider!’ With the introduction of the Streamy Award, is Youtube now a viable career path? You may rely on it. Man, with such a few amount of videos on the internet, you are totally likely to win that award with any half decent film. I don’t know why you haven’t sunk all of your money in to it already. Is it possible to forge a successful relationship based on great hair? Yes Definitely. We need to realise how deep hair love is. It goes further than the way you love someone’s smile or their sense of humour. People do crazy things to get closer to an amazing hair-do. Most people tend to characterise others solely on their hair, and sculpt their personality to fit it, or, in extreme cases, disregard their personality altogether. It’s possible to be in a relationship with a hair king or queen for years before even noticing their personality. By this time, people are too used to being around the fated follicles to end the relationship. I know I’d rather be with someone with amazing hair who was somewhat schizophrenic than a dowdy person who was perfectly sane. That’s just dull. Is it socially acceptable to wear clothes with naked girls on them? It is Decidedly So. It’s totally acceptable, who cares about nudity these days. However, that means it is no longer cool or ‘hardcore’ to do so. You need to find something more shocking to offend your Nan with when you go around for tea on Sunday. Perhaps try some dead baby jokes. Is the Magic 8 Ball always right? You May Rely On It. But, right now am I right about always being right? Or am I wrong about being right, giving the impression that I’m always wrong? You decide. After you’ve watched Labyrinth.

NEXUS NEWS ISSUE 06

Paul Comrie-Thomson from Salient

Will NZ review nuclear policy, suck dick, and anything else for Obama? Obama gives Key tummy rub for fetching nuclear policy, newspaper The Nuclear ship debate has been kicked off once more following comments made by Sir Geoffrey Palmer, a key architect behind New Zealand’s nuclear-free legislation. Palmer says the return of US Navy ships is both possible and desirable. New Zealand’s opposition to nuclear warships and ensuing legislation saw its exclusion from the ANZUS military alliance with Australia and the US in the mid-1980s. Palmer says that due to changes in US nuclear policy over the past two decades alongside the recent agreement between the US and Russia to reduce stockpiles of nuclear weapons and last weeks shift in US military posture, meant that objections to ship visits no longer applied. “I think New Zealand could have ship visits now. I think that is something you could get on the agenda and get through without too much difficulty. And there have been various talks with various Americans at certain times about it. “I’ve discussed it with some of the diplomats myself in recent years. Whether it will come to fruition, I don’t know, but I think it would be possible and I think it would be desirable.” Palmer said the current nuclear climate represented a “vindication” of New Zealand’s stance. “I think there is more appetite in the world for New Zealand’s anti-nuclear stance than there was back then.” Acting New Zealand Prime Minister, Bill English says that allowing US Navy ships to visit had not been discussed, and the New Zealand policy position is “pretty clear cut with the US.”

In an interview with Newstalk ZB, English said “What has happened, going back to the early 2000s under the previous government, is that the US and the New Zealand Government decided to improve the relationship. “The effect of that positive approach has been that the relationship has improved slowly for a while, and then under President Obama and John Key, improved quite quickly, so we are happy with progress in the relationship with the US and don’t really see the ships as an issue.”

I’ve discussed it with some of the diplomats myself in recent years. Whether it will come to fruition, I don’t know, but I think it would be possible and I think it would be desirable. Prime Minister John Key said from Washington, that he does not believe US warships would return to New Zealand ports “any time real soon.” Former United States Secretary of State, George Shultz says he believes that US Navy ships would only be allowed to enter New Zealand waters, if New Zealand accepted Washington’s “neither confirm nor deny” policy about whether or not a ship had nuclear capabilities. “It’s impossible as long as New Zealand doesn’t accept the no-confirm-or-deny policy” Now a strong anti-nuclear campaigner, Shultz was Secretary of State in 1984 when New Zealand was excluded from the ANZUS military alliance.

NEXUS NEWS ISSUE 06

Exclusive Waikato University day off It’s because we have Maoris

Waikato University will be celebrating Kīngitanga Day this Wednesday with a host of activities, seminars, and presentations about the Maori King Movement. The University of Waikato has had strong connections with the Kīngitanga and Tainui, since the University’s beginning in the 1960s and it is this distinctive relationship that we now honour each year through Kīngitanga Day. Celebrations for Kīngitanga Day take place 9am-3.30pm on campus with all activities open to the public. Although classes will be cancelled on the day, students are encouraged to attend and participate in the range of

There will also be a variety of entertainment at the Academy of Performing Arts and the Village Green throughout the day, including live kapa haka performances, the Royal Dunking Tank, and spot prizes and giveaways. The day’s finale is at 3pm at the Village Green with a toast and the cutting of the ‘Royal Cake’ by Kīngi Tuheitia, who is due to spend the day on campus.

activities. From 9am a series of presentations and seminars will be held in S Block and the ELT lecture theatre. Presentation and seminar topics include Māori horticulture, women and the Kīngitanga, Māori intellectual property, French missionary encounters, and growing up in the Kīngitanga. At 10am workshops on poi, weaving and haka will be held for international students at the University’s Te Kohinga Mārama marae (Gate 4).

The Māori King Movement, or Kīngitanga, was established more than 150 years ago in response to the rapid loss of Māori land and to promote unity among the tribes of New Zealand. Kīngi Tuheitia was crowned on 21 August 2006 and is the seventh monarch. Kīngitanga remains an important and enduring expression of Māori unity.

Want free Vagina… Monologue Tickets? By another typical misogynist

Hey gals, are you sick of reading misogynist male-dominated media? Tired of chauvinistic writers undervaluing female characters and hushing the female perspective? Well, no more ladies! Now it is your turn to write how you feel about an event and what better way to do that than by reviewing a free show of the WSU’s Vagina Monologues with you and your friends, your mother, or even your unwilling boyfriend. No journalistic experience is needed; you just need to go along, enjoy yourself, and write a review about your experiences of the show. The Vagina Monologues is a wonderful show for a wonderful cause; coinciding with ‘VDay’: a global movement to end violence against women and girls. Bought to you by the Waikato University, the show is essentially a series of individual monologues written after the author, Eve Ensler, interviewed hundreds of women about their vaginas. From issues of hair and flooding to orgasm noises, The Vagina Monologues is the story of what we all know is really “down there”. Ninety percent of the profits go to a local women’s charity, and the other ten percent goes to the global charity: Power to the Women and Girls of Democratic Republic of Congo. Three shows are scheduled in Hamilton on Wednesday 28th, Thursday 29th, and Friday 30th April 7:30pm at the WEL Energy Trust Academy of Performing Arts. Tickets for the Hamilton shows are available from Ticketek. One show is scheduled in Tauranga on Monday 26th April 7:30pm at the Baycourt Community and Arts Centre. Tickets for the Tauranga show are available from Ticketdirect.

Tickets are $10 for current students with ID and $15 for adults. For any girls who are interested in getting free tickets to the show and writing a review email Grant at: news@nexusmag.co.nz or ring Nexus 8384653 or txt 0273043419. The Vagina Monologues was performed at the University of Waikato Hamilton campus last year to sold out crowds, and just like sex, the best things in life are free!

David Bennett MP M P f o r h aM i l t o n e ast

Phone: 07 834 3407 Email: davidbennett@xtra.co.nz www.davidbennett.co.nz

www.national.org.nz

NEXUS NEWS ISSUE 06

Pop-Up Porn!

Crazy shit porn..Seriously. You have to see it. By Angela Mabey of Salient Canadian artist Lisa Murphy wants you to feel her friends up. Murphy has created Tactile Mind an erotic book for the blind and visually impaired, is a smutty pop-up book of 17 images of her friends, and they are all meant to be groped. But this isn’t a $20 brown bag mag that you shamefully sneak out of Shalimar’s...this will set you back $315. For a pop-up porn book. Murphy learned to create touchable images of animals for books for visually impaired children. Murphy told The Toronto Star she came up with the idea, the first of its kind, after realising the blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual imagery. “There are no books of tactile pictures of nudes for adults, at least the last time I looked around. “We’re breaking new ground. Playboy has (an edition with) Braille wording, but there are no pictures.” She says that while we live in a culture saturated with sexual images, the blind have been “left out.”

ENTRIES CLOSE 29 APRIL

Indoor

Social Sport enter online or at the rec centre

www.asbsocialsport.co.nz

GET A BUNCH OF YOUR MATES TOGETHER TODAY!

• • • Be active, be social – games for all abilities Netball • Soccer • Volleyball

Tactile Mind contains explicit softcore images that are raised from its pages, along with Braille text and photos. After a complicated process involving stuff with plastic and heat, she makes each plate individually. The whole process takes Murphy between 40 and 50 hours. For each image. The book displays the visual photos alongside the tactile image based on them. A Braille description describes what’s in the photos, such as articles of clothing. The descriptions are things like: A tactile picture of a naked woman kneeling, wearing a toilet roll attached by hosiery to her groin area. On her face is a mask with egg carton eyes. And that isn’t even the strangest one. If $315 is a bit steep, you can go to www.tactilemindbook.com and buy your favourite image. Choose from images such as “Naked Pink Elephant” and “Giving Birth” (yes, there is one, you need to go look at it).

Metal up your ass! Finally! By Burnsie

Here’s some metal for your ears all you mother*ckin’ metalheads, old schooling bogans and rotten children of the junkyard, metal legends METALLICA are coming to New Zealand in November. Dates have yet to be officially confirmed by ticketing outlets, however, at a recent press conference, drummer Lars Urlich let slip of the surprise and indicated the group would perform in New Zealand. When asked about Metallica’s plans, Ulrich replied: “We’re staying out and doing dates up until November; in Australia and New Zealand is where we’re heading in November, and then, after that, we’re going to take a little bit of chill time.” So, metalheads rejoice. Sing out loud your rock anthems and stab or be stabbed when tickets come on sale because there will be blood for this one. On the other side of the upcoming events spectrum, legendary blues guitarist John Mayall is coming in April. Mayall has been around since the sixties and has recorded with many famous musicians such as Eric Clapton, Peter Green, and Mick Fleetwood. Also, The Pixies are coming back again, this time to Christchurch. Scribe (The Crusader) and Savage (The Bodysnatcher) are touring New Zealand in April in what is being dubbed as “The Battle of the Century.” Haha, no seriously that is what it’s called. If you’re interested, they are playing in Hamilton on the Saturday 8 May at Flow Bar. It seems The Cult is still alive and touring New Zealand on Monday 3 May 2010. Henry Rollins, Jackob, and Hollie Smith are all currently touring NZ at the moment; if this is you see www.undertheradar.co.nz.

NEWS FROM NOWHERE BY GRANT BURNS

NATIONAL NEWS

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

The Zeitgeist is coming Over 90 Polish politicians, historians, and army staff, including the Polish President Lech Kaczynski and his wife, tragically perished in a plane crash over western Russia on Saturday April 10. Poland’s army chief, central bank governor, MPs and leading historians were among more 96 passengers that crashed near Smolensk, western Russia due to thick fog which caused the plane to plough into trees. No passengers survived according to Russian officials. “According to preliminary reports, it got caught up in the tops of trees, fell to the ground and broke up into pieces,” said Smolensk regional governor Sergei Antufliev. “There are no survivors in that crash.” Russian media reports said the pilots ignored advice from air traffic control to divert to another airport. This decision apparently caused the pilot to lose control of the Tupolev 154, a Sovietdesigned plane that was more than 20 years old. The Polish delegation was flying in from Warsaw to mark the 70th anniversary of the Katyn massacre of thousands of Poles by Soviet forces during WWII. Other officials included the army chief of staff Gen Franciszek Gagor, central bank governor Slawomir Skrzypek and deputy Foreign Minister Andrzej Kremer Prime Minister Donald Tusk said the crash was the most tragic event of the country’s post-World War II history.

After an emergency meeting of ministers, Mr Tusk, who runs the day-to-day business of government, said a week of national mourning had been declared with two minutes of silence on Sunday at midday. Mr Tusk added: “The Polish state must function and will function”. A government spokesman said that according to the constitution there would be an early presidential election, and the speaker of the lower house of parliament, Bronislaw Komorowski, would be acting president. Lech Kaczynski, who had fewer powers than the prime minister but had a significant say in foreign policy, was a controversial figure in Polish politics. He had advocated a right-wing Catholic agenda, opposed rapid free-market reforms and favoured retaining social welfare programmes. However, there has been a spontaneous outpouring of grief, no matter what people thought of Lech Kaczynski. He was a divisive figure in Polish society, especially among younger Poles. People are just stunned, visibly moved and in tears, whether they agreed with the president’s political views or not President Kaczynski and his wife were buried last Wednesday.

The Venus Project NZ is pleased to announce that the world tour by Jacque Fresco and Roxanne Meadows will include New Zealand with two lectures in April. You may have heard about it through the documentary zeitgeist or on the internet. The Venus Project envisions a global civilization where modern methods of science and technology are applied with both human and environmental concern so as to secure, protect, and encourage a more humane world for all people. Jacque Fresco and Roxanne Meadows will present possibilities for the redesign or our society offering a way out of our recurring cycles of boom and recession, famine, poverty, our declining environment, and territorial conﬂicts where peace is merely the interval between wars. Jacque is a 94 year old industrial designer, author, lecturer, futurist and inventor. He has worked as both a designer and an inventor in a wide range of ﬁelds spanning biomedical innovations and integrated social systems. The lectures present a challenge to all people to work toward a society in which all the world’s resources become the common heritage of the entire world’s people. The Venus Project is an organisation offering feasible plans for social change, one that could attain a peaceful and sustainable global civilization. For more info on The Venus Project see the website www. TheVenusProject.com. 9

NEXUS NEWS ISSUE 06

Richard Pearse New Zealand inventor of the airplane 31st March 1903

Classic New Zealanders are fascinating creatures. Back then, New Zealand showed a lot more humility than we do now. Instead of analysing every facet of man and rugby, the old Invincibles just got on with the job at hand then returned to their farms. One man, he was not an All Black, but a reclusive farmer/ part-time inventor known as Mad Pearse or Bamboo Dick, had a pretty sweet idea that he just liked to keep to himself – he figured he did not want to make too much of a fuss. Classic Kiwi Richard William Pearse was born on 3 December 1877 at Waitohi Flat, Temuka (near Timaru), South Island, New Zealand, the fourth of nine children to Digory Pearse and Sarah Brown. Digory was an immigrant from Cornwall, England and Sarah from Ireland where she was working in a shop in Timaru. Richard, by disposition introspective, gentle, quiet and somewhat aloof, was a dreamer even at school, to the detriment of his studies. He excelled in one subject - engineering - and demonstrated an interest in flying and an eager mechanical curiosity from an early age. By the time he had finished his primary education at Waitohi his tinkering had blossomed into several inventions. These included a mechanical needle threader for his mother, a zoetrope for his sisters that produced movingimages by flicking through a series of still pictures, and a small steam engine made from a golden syrup tin filled with water. After finishing school the young Pearse wanted to study engineering at Canterbury College, but the family could not afford it and instead, in 1898, when he turned 21, he was given the use of a nearby 100-acre farm block, which he was to farm intermittently for the next 13 years. Most people thought flight was impossible, a science-fiction fantasy, while others saw it as a lunatic and heretic act to strive for the heavens: “if God had wanted man to fly he would have given him wings.” But regardless of interpretations of their decree, the heavens have always lured: from the Chinese invention of the kite over 3,000 years ago, through Greek mythology, to Leonardo da Vinci’s Renaissance designs for a flying machine, the problem of getting airborne had fascinated generations of innovators.

Secret History of the World

By Grant Burns Faced with near isolation living in New Zealand and not attending a university to be able to study any scholarly work, Pearse began to avidly read Scientific American and work on his inventions by night. To show the determination of the man, when he realised he needed an internal combustion engine for his plane and couldn’t just purchase one, he built one from scratch. The Infamous First Flight Everyone knows the Wright Brothers were the first to invent and fly a plane on December 17 1903, however, it could have actually been a case of being the first people to capture their flight on video. On March 31st 1903 (eight months prior to the Wright Brother’s flight), a crowd gathered in paddocks around Main Waitohi Road to watch Pearse and his flying machine (made from bamboo, wire, steel, and a two-cylinder combustion engine). As the engine started up, Pearse made his attempt, he took to the air. His craft immediately lurched left due to a lack of suitable control, then climbed slowly for a short distance before crashing into the pilot’s own gorse hedge. Most witness accounts have the distance travelled as somewhere between 100 - 150 metres, with more generous estimates suggesting that Pearse may have flown up to 400 metres. However, unlike the Wright’s attempt in Kitty Hawk, no one in Waitohi wielded a camera or measured the airspeed of the gorse-bound excursion. No proof exists to pinpoint the date or offer proof of the flight: records of the visit Pearse made to the local hospital after injuring his collarbone in the fall were destroyed in a fire, and a photo of the aircraft prone in the hedge, taken by a professional photographer the day after the flight, was later destroyed in flooding. And so there it is. Call it what you like, fictionalised fact or factual fiction, whatever you think, all we know is there was a man called Richard Pearse who lived from 1877 to 1953 and claims, along with a bunch of his fellow peers, that he flew a bamboo airplane a 150 metres eight months before the Wright Brothers did. However, it doesn’t really matter anyway. New Zealanders are used to discovering new ideas, food, and bands and seeing them all get stolen and wrongly attributed by another country – usually Australia.

RANDOM:EXEC

Execution

With the Shah of Sausage: Jordan Bakerstein Previously on Execution: Last episode, our brave and exceedingly handsome hero solved the mystery of the Guru Phabian and successfully inﬁltrated the weekly WSU meetings. Through sheer willpower he managed to stay there for a full two hours without falling asleep for more than three minutes at a time. On today’s episode: Will his cover hold? Will

will be a great event, and with a name as catchy as the NZUSA National Tertiary Paciﬁc Island Students Convention, how could it not be? Director Dan Morales, also known as Double D Morales, discussed the annual Uni Games taking place in Invercargill. These will be ﬁnished by the time this magazine is printed, but we have sent a team of 77 students

he stay awake? Will anything interesting happen at all? It’s all coming up on today’s... Execution! (Cue theme music, cut to opening scene) Full of vigour and self confidence gained from last week’s successful infiltration, I strolled into the WSU meeting like I owned the place, throwing the odd “howdy” or “whatup gang-star” at various directors in order to blend in. I sat down, took out my pen and paper and turned to face El Presidente, ready to begin. What I saw made me drop everything in horror. Deni Tokunai, WSU President, has been turned into a baby. Immediately my mind pictured Roger Douglas, safely hidden in the ACT party’s secret lair, laughing manically as he zapped student union presidents around the country with his Baby Ray™, amplifying the power by reflecting it off Rodney Hide’s head. “Now there is no-one to stand in our way!” he yells. “After VSM is passed, let’s bring back Rogernomics! Mwahahaha!!!” As I looked around the room, I realised that no-one else seemed too concerned with Deni’s apparent temporal regression, and Glen Delamere had even started feeding him. I decided to ignore my overactive imagination and search instead for a more reasonable explanation. It turns out that Deni was absent from the meeting and the baby was in fact the offspring of Vice President Glen Delamere, who was chairing this meeting. The meeting began, and a motion to ignore my outbursts of “It was Roger! Everyone run for your lives!” was passed unanimously. This Wednesday is Kingitanga day, and VP Maori Luke Claasen talked about the plans for the day . There are no classes held on Kingitanga day, but students are being encouraged to come to university and take part in the events of the day, which include discussion panels, kapahaka performaces, art displays and a whole lot else to celebrate Maori culture. It sounds like fun and Luke assures me that there will be something for everyone, even people as hopelessly white as me. It is worth noting that the decision to cancel classes on Kingitanga day comes from the highest levels of university management, and if any lecturers try and organise lectures or tutorials on this day (and there are some who are trying to do this) then you do not have go. In fact, feel free to tell them to shove their class in any opening you can think of. If you are in this situation then make sure you let the WSU know what is happening, and they will take your case to the appropriate people. Coming up on campus is the NZUSA National Tertiary Pacific Island Students Convention. Last year the WSU made the decision to host this year’s convention, so it is good to see them honouring that commitment by putting up a decent chunk of money to help fund this. It sounds like it

to represent Waikato University in a week of hard drinking punctuated by the occasional sporting event. And then it was over. Over? Surely not – that took an hour. But yes, it was over! It seems the WSU is becoming more efﬁcient as the year progresses. Soon they will be more powerful than you can imagine. The next meeting was set for April 1 at 7am. If this is a joke, if I get up before sunrise and come to Uni to ﬁnd I have been tricked, there will be hell to pay. After I go back home and cry myself to sleep, that is. I hate mornings.

“I was cheated!” Piripi bought a car from a neighbour. He paid $4500 for it and has just discovered there was money owing on it and there were mechanical faults. What can he do? If you are buying privately (ie from its owner who is not a dealer) then you are not covered by the Consumer Guarantees Act. Therefore you MUST check. a) If there is money owing check www.ppsr.govt.nz, www.lemoncheck.co.nz, www.vir.co.nz, www.vir.co.nz, www.autofinder.co.nz. (Some of these sites cost money for the information) or phone 090055007 (also a charge). b) The car must have a warrant of fitness, which has been issued not more that a month beforehand. c) If something goes wrong with a car and it was bought privately you may be able to claim compensation under the Contractual Remedies Act .Striuct conditions apply. d) You and the owner must complete a change of ownership form within 7 days of purchasing (from Post Shop, AA or Vehicle Testing). It is important to ensure this is done by BOTH parties. The best procedure for the seller is not to hand over possession until you have seen the buyers change of ownership receipt. The Hamilton Area Citizens Advice Bureau provides advice and information from four locations. They are at 55 Victoria Street, 70 Kent Street Frankton, at Garden Place and the Cowshed at the University. They also have legal, advocacy and consumer services available where you can get more specialised help. Phone the CAB on 0800 367 222 (O800 FOR CAB).

prize

YOUR: WSU

Prez Sez:

My Great-Grandfather was a Cannibal I thought I’d welcome you back

you hospitalized, and it also means

I love the ocean. Living on a

from the Easter recess with a

you develop an uncanny skill to

deserted island in the middle of

personal column about me. I

put up with almost every situation

the Pacific must have had some

thought that maybe it was time to

this world can throw at you—apart

influence in that. I love turtle eggs

open up a bit and give you folks a

from 10 foot sharks waiting for

too. I remember once we dug up

peek into your President’s world.

your leaking canoe to sink.

700 from one nest. True story. To

Just a peek.

My great-grandfather was a

this day I don’t know whether we

You don’t really know how big a

As most of you know, I’m from

cannibal. True story. I told Nexus

ended the lives of a particular turtle

10ft shark is unless you see one

Papua New Guinea. What you

staff that story and I had most

species.

personally. Try four of them. Five

may not know is that my mother is

of them looking incredulously

My favorite pastime is spear

naked blokes, four monster sharks,

a pakeha from Whangaroa—she

at me as if cannibalism was/is

fishing. Red Emperor being my

one tiny canoe—what do you think

went up to PNG in the 60’s and

hereditary. My grandfather

catch—although that requires

happened?

never came back. Being from

speared several Japanese in the

free-diving up to 15m. Climbing

Text me your answers to 027 573

PNG has its advantages. It means

Second World War. My father

coconut trees was up on my list until

4241. Closest answer wins $40

you’re fluent in more than one

survived 15 days floating around

I climbed up one and met a snake

cash and lunch at Momento—both

language (3, plus English, so 4),

the Pacific Ocean with nothing

on top. Long story short: snake bit

shouted by the President.

and understand another 2 on top

more than an English teacup—he

me, I fell down, landed on top of

of that. It also means you never

left PNG and was found off the

a cocoa plantation, broke six ribs

Deni Tokunai

get sun burnt, you’re immune to

coast of Tonga. Which sort of

and my pinky. Ironically, it turned

WSU President

mosquitoes and the lesser strains of

leaves me the odd one out?

out the snake wasn’t venomous.

president@wsu.org.nz

malaria that would leave most of

Luke’s VP Speak Luke Claasen VP Maori Korero Welcome back! Back into it! I

the Village Green with students.

overnight and learn about Māori

didn’t get much of a break. I was at

There will be free Hell Pizza and

culture. All students are welcome to

Hākinakina and it was awesome!

prizes. See the poster by the Nexus

attend, so if you are keen to come

Thanks to everyone who turned up

lettuce column for more details on

start organising yourself and your

as it was mean. Congratulations to

the WSU Kīngitanga Day events.

mates. More information will be

everyone who graduated last week

Secondly, the group of us working

published soon.

at the Marae Graduation. Kua eke

on the Māori Students’ Association

If anyone is an eager beaver and

ki te traumata.

Roopu have made huge progress.

wants to know more about the

I have been juggling three different

We have got a constitution and

VP Māori portfolio or what I get

kaupapa over the past few weeks.

advice on a name. Our first event is

up to please come and see me. I

Firstly, I have been involved in

on this Friday 23 May: an informal

have to report weekly at our board

Kīngitanga Day which is on

‘Touch Game’ down University

meetings so it’s all documented

Wednesday 21 May(APRIL). I

fields where Hākinakina was held.

if you want to check it out. All

encourage everyone to check the

This is chance for Māori students

the best to everyone for tests and

programme out and get involved.

to get together, network and lose

assignments that are coming up

The Māori Kingi Tuhetia will be

weight too (jokes). Also, the AGM

too!

on campus. WSU is putting on

is locked in for Wednesday 1 May

a five-a-side “Inter-School Touch

in L.G.04 (and there will be food).

Nāku noa

Tournament” down on the Village

Come along if you’re keen.

Luke Claasen

Green. It is going to be massive

Thirdly, the WSU Noho Marae is

vpmāori@wsu.org.nz

so come down and represent your

on 21-22 May, where students get

school! We are trying to pack out

the opportunity to stay on a Marae

OPEN: 8.30am-4.30pm PHONE: 07 856 9139 WEB: www.wsu.org.nz 13 13

YOUR: WSU

“We believe that clubs and associations are a major party of the social aspect of uni: they provide a great opportunity to meet new friends who share the same interests as you”

Vagina Monologues are coming to town! Once again, twelve talented females from Waikato University bring you The Vagina Monologues. This is a fundraising show that raises money for the charity ‘VDay’: A global movement to end violence against women and girls. The show is essentially a series of individual monologues written after the author, Eve Ensler, interviewed hundreds of women about their vaginas. From issues of hair and flooding to orgasm noises, The Vagina Monologues is the story of what we all know is really “down there”. Things are starting to heat up as the performance dates for the Vagina Monologues get nearer and nearer. Tickets are now on sale so get in quick! Last year’s shows all sold out, so don’t miss out this year. If you’re keen to come along, check out the details below – we hope to see you there! Tauranga Monday 26th April: 7.30pm @ Baycourt Community and Arts Center. Tickets are available from www.ticketdirect. co.nz or at the box office. Hamilton Wednesday 28th, Thursday 29th and Friday 30th April: 7.30pm @ WEL Energy Trust Academy of Performing Arts Tickets are available from www.ticketek.co.nz or at the Playhouse Theatre

WSU Service Spotlight: Clubs One of the key activities of the Waikato Students’ Union is to support Clubs. We believe that clubs and associations are a major party of the social aspect of uni: they provide a great opportunity to meet new friends who share the same interests as you. To support all of these clubs, we employ a full-time Clubs’ Co-ordinator: Shannon Cleave. You can email her at clubs@wsu.org.nz for all your clubs-related enquiries. Shannon has the job of overseeing and developing clubs on campus. She administers the grants for clubs and can help clubs or groups that want to plan events. She also helps organise WSU events which encourage clubs on campus, such as Clubs Day during O-week. Shannon also helps clubs affiliate to the WSU. Clubs who affiliate to

the WSU get cool things like a $20 photocopying credit, an $80 grant, a free barbecue hire, and greater access to WSU and University support. Let’s face it: everyone wants friends, and that’s why WSU actively supports clubs. We have clubs for everything, including academic groups, groups that want to help you go on overseas exchanges, sporting groups, religious groups… the list goes on. Joining a WSU Club is a great way to meet other like-minded people while you study at Waikato, so come and see Shannon today. You can also look at the list of clubs on the wsu website: www.wsu.org.nz. Or, if you want to start your own club, find at least ten friends (who are also students) and come and see Shannon today.

YOUR: WSU

Board Talk:

What have the WSU Directors been doing for YOU? Things have been ploughing on full-steam in the WSU Offices, despite the fact that most people are on break from university. Luke (VP Maori) and Charlie (International Students’ Director) have been busy organising this year’s Noho Marae, which at this stage looks like it will be held on the 21st-22nd May. So, if you’re keen to experience authentic Māori culture and eat some yummy Māori food, then put those dates in your diary now! More info will be provided in Nexus next week. WSU directors also attended the National Pacific Island Tertiary Students Convention 2010, which (as you can see from the photos below) was an absolute blast. The next big WSU

Event is the Vagina Monologues, which will be held in the second week back from recess. See the opposite panel for info on how to get tickets for this exciting event Kate (Women’s Officer) has been busy organising. Shows are on next week, so get your tickets now! Dan and Deni have both been busy helping out with the preparation for Waikato’s entry at Unigames. This year, The Tribe are competing in Invercargill. We wish them all the best! Finally, we are going to be running events in cultural hour down on the Village Green every week for the rest of the semester. So, come down to the shopping area on Wednesdays 122pm and score some free food courtesy of WSU.

Event Recap:

Pacific Island Students Convention

If you were at university over the break, then you may have been lucky enough to see the hordes of students on campus for the WSUhosted National Pacific Island Tertiary Students Convention 2010. Previously known as the PI Fono, the Convention was held at Waikato from Tuesday 6th to Friday 9th April. 87 Delegates from all over New Zealand (some even travelled all the way from Otago) came to learn about and discuss specific issues for Pacific Island students in Tertiary education, as well as to develop potential strategies to deal with these national issues. Delegates also went on to Horsham Downs to plant trees for a

UPCOMING EVENTS: Kingitangi Day 21 April Vagina Monologues (TGA) 26 April Vagina Monologues (HAM) 28-30 April Culture Day 28 April Open Day 30 April Noho Marae 21-22 May

community service project, and performed an item relating to their culture at a formal dinner. The conference was a great success, with many meaningful strategies achieved. WSU would like to thank Tiana Griffin (WUPISA President) and Karopaerangi Crawford (WUPISA Secretary) for all their hard work in setting up the conference.

OPEN: 8.30am-4.30pm PHONE: 07 856 9139 WEB: www.wsu.org.nz 15

YOUR: WSU

Toko Baker: Disabilities’ Officer Waikato taniwha rau He piko he taniwha, He piko he taniwha Waikato taniwha rau Te hei mouri ora My name is Toko I am currently studying towards a BA and hold the Disabilities portfolio, my goal for this year is to advocate for students who may have a disability and require assistance during their time studying here at Waikato. I will be available in the WSU ofﬁce during A semester every Monday and Tuesday 10-11:30 am or email me anytime disabilities@wsu.org.nz In A semester I will be holding a disabilities day on the Village Green (at this stage, it looks like it will be held on the 2nd of June): more information on that fun event to come soon!

Email me if you want to be involved, or come see me in my ofﬁce hours. In B Semester I will be holding a consultation where I hope to get guest speakers and we will get feedback about what the WSU and the University can do to make your student experience here more enjoyable. DON’T DIS MY ABILITIES! Kia Ora

Do you need a cheap car or van rental? Do you need a mini bus? Do you need a long term rental?

Call on us around the corner at Ruakura Research Centre

m. 027 5222 731 e. ruakurafm@xtra.co.nz

Decisions by the Government have put more pressure on the University to stay within our funding cap. This means there is a limit to the number of domestic students we can accept. Current students who want to add undergraduate papers in B Semester (not ones you are already enrolled for) must

apply by 11 June to guarantee your place.

Please note, this doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t apply to the following: People enrolling at post graduate level, international students enrolling at any level, and students substituting papers and not increasing their workload.

Freephone 0800 WAIKATO or visit www.waikato.ac.nz

Lettuce ROB THE GREENIE

Write to Win! SEND LETTERS TO: Send your letters to editor@ nexusmag.co.nz

WEEKLY PRIZE: The letter which we choose to be the best each week wins a $20 Bennett’s voucher!

FORUM LETTERS: Letters may also be sent via the letters thread at forums. nexusmag.co.nz. We always have space for more letters, whether it’s a complaint or a high ﬁve or

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be received by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication. We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence. We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be). Send letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

Dear Nexus Recently there was an article published in the Nexus on mining schedule 4 lands. The schedule 4 lands are the jewels in the crown of our National Conservation estate. While mining is allowed in other areas of our conservation lands, the schedule 4 areas were set aside by the last National government (in the 1990’s) as being too precious to ever mine. The current National government is now seeking to take some of these jewels out of our crown. It has been stated that there is $60 billion of minerals waiting to be dug in schedule 4 areas of our conservation estate. Ignoring the fact that the government got this figure from a report by a pro mining lobby group, the figures are very misleading. For example the government claims that there is over $4 billion of gold on Great Barrier Island, yet the latest geological survey of the Island says that there is only $1 billion of gold on the island. While this still sounds like a lot of money if mining were to go ahead the majority of the profits will likely go to overseas investors. Solid Energy is the only large New Zealand mining company and they are currently restricted to coal mining. Gold and silver make up the bulk of the minerals the government is considering exploiting. The town of Waihi is literally sitting on not one but two Australian owned gold mines, yet it is one of the most socially deprived towns in New Zealand. The people of Waihi are poorer than most New Zealanders and are more likely to be unemployed, welfare dependent and have no qualifications than the average

Come pick up your $20 Bennetts book voucher at the Nexus office in the WSU Building.

New Zealander. This is despite more than $200 million of gold coming out of the town a year. While there may be minerals in the schedule 4 lands, the majority of our potential mineral sources lie outside of these lands. I worked as a geochemist one summer and have seen with my own eyes that at Benneydale there is still a signiﬁcant quantity of coal that already has mine shafts etc. in place. Surely it would be more sensible to fully use existing sites such as Benneydale before considering setting up operation in places like Paparoa National Park, which is not only a popular tourist destination but also a haven for endangered native wildlife including the Weka. Not only are the governments proposals for mining schedule 4 areas of our conservation estate environmentally destructive, they are also likely to have little economic beneﬁt to the New Zealand people, while in the long term endangering our tourism industry. But more importantly it is unnecessary, most of our countries mineral wealth can be found outside of schedule 4 lands. Given all this why should we allow our National Parks to be dug up? Nick Marryatt (07) 855 1991

YOUR: LETTUCE

NATURE DOES EQUAL MONEY

Txts to the Editor! Nexus now has a non-new TXT-in service! Send Letters to the Editor - via text - to 021 235 8436. Don’t forget: You can send Busted pictures in by pxt! Send us your best snaps of you or your mates in Busted-type situations to 021 235 8436.

“Already we’ve gotten international slack from The Guardian and The New York Times for our poor performance on committing to reduce greenhouse gases” In response to your recent article outlining the Govt’s proposed mining of schedule 4 land, I cannot help but point out how nature gives NZ money without having to dig up the country to do so. 100% Pure? We pride ourselves on this, our agriculture and tourism industries use this to advertise their goods and our country to the rest of the world. Already we’ve gotten international slack from The Guardian and The New York Times for our poor performance on committing to reduce greenhouse gases and

for our nasty unsustainable bottom-trawling ﬁshing practices. The Manawatu is one of the dirtiest rivers in the western world according to our own Cawthron Institute. This is all before we start destroying tiny parts of New Zealand we kept sacred for their amazingly important conservation values. Imagine what the international community will think of little old clean green New Zealand when we destroy Kiwi habitats for coal. 100% Pure? Yeah Right! Rob the Greenie

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WHAT TO DO

Twilight: Eclipse is coming to movies soon! The midnight screenings have almost sold out, so get to it and buy your tickets fast. Otherwise, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have to wait for ages to see it and no one wants that! To celebrate the impendingness of Eclipse, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got a Twilight themed word find. First one dropped into the Nexus office gets a double movie pass and a chance to be a guest on the upcoming Nexus radio show!

Twilight Vampire Jacob Edward Bella Blood Werewolf Stephanie Meyer Cullen

Teeth Nosferatu Sparkle Eclipse Breaking Dawn New Moon Kristen Stewart Rob Pattinson Taylor lautner

KINGITANGA DAY APRIL 21ST 2010

IT’S ALSO THE MĀORI KINGS BIRTHDAY!! HIP HIP HOORAY!!

THE WSU IS HOLDING A “ROYAL CARNIVAL!” On the Village green from 11am – 3pm

WITH A INTER-SCHOOL TOUCH TOURNAMENT! Represent your school of study, get your team ready! Or bring a couch and Support your friends. Spot Prizes for best Dressed Team & Supporters!

ROYAL TIMETABLE: 10:45am From 11am

12 noon 1pm 2pm 3pm - 3.30pm

Karakia, Whakatau & Waiata The Royal Carnival Opens Maori Merchandising Stalls Inter-school Touch Rugby Comp Royal Volcano Bouncy Castle MEAN Spot Prizes & Give Aways Touch Tournament Kick off Free Hell Pizza by the Slice & PIZZA EATING COMP Touch Comp Final & Prize Giving Finale on the Village Green with Free Cake!

TO ENTER A TEAM

EMAIL: vpmaori@wsu.org.nz or TXT: 027 206 5126

Special note: The author of this article is not from New Zealand. But after living here for….well….a long time, and almost entirely losing her South African accent she calls this land home, kind of.

New Zealand

Here are a couple of loaded questions for you: what makes New Zealand unique? Why do we love this country? And, for goodness sake, who invented the pavlova? Stumped? As the recent flag debate showed, it is nigh on impossible to sketch one single identity for the four million or so bodies that occupy this fair land. Are we hobbit loving rugby players, clean, green, sandal wearing activists or wine swilling yuppies waiting for the next boat to Sydney? Do the residents of Auckland, one-third of this country’s population, reflect the best and worst this country has to offer? Or should Twizel be considered as well? So New Zealand, who are we? Paul Holmes recently asked British historian, Simon Schama, whether New Zealand should become the seventh state of Australia. This question, though slightly out of left field for most, comes on the back of John Key’s determination to match Australia ‘s living standards and mining practices. Schama was very clear in his response. “What - in the name of Edmund Hillary, the haka and all things Kiri te Kanawa - are they talking about?” wrote the historian in his article Behold, Newstralia. “Don’t they know that Poms live for the moments - and they happen all too infrequently - when the Aussies get shafted by the Men in Black? Isn’t it bad enough they have the sunshine, the terminally cute wombat, and Nicole Kidman? Must they get the kiwi and the juiciest spring lamb in the world too?” 22

The scary part of Schama’s article, other than the fact that he considers Nicole Kidman an asset to Australia, is the numbers he quotes. “An opinion poll has suggested that no less than one in four New Zealanders are in favour of this startling departure,” he says. “And fully a half of the polled want to begin serious debate about it.” Now, wombats and criminal origins aside, there are cultural similarities between New Zealand and Australia. But no one I spoke to thought this is enough to throw in the towel and add an extra star to the flag. What people did talk about is what makes them proud to live in New Zealand. The things from their childhood that make them smile and the things they do now that are only allowed here. So here are a few of the reasons we should be proud to be Kiwis, and not British, or Australians, or Americans…..or……well, South Africans.

The Buzzy Bee It would take a heartless soul to dislike the little old Buzzy Bee. This whittled wood and a lick of red paint have been a part of New Zealand for decades. But the origins of Buzzy Bee are a bit of a mystery. According to buzzybee.co.nz the most likely birth-place of the wooden insect was a small workshop in St Benedicts Street in Newton, Auckland in the late 1930s. Toy maker and wood craftsman Maurice Scheslinger designed

FEATURE: NZ

a toy that looks very similar to the one that now trails after little kids across the country. When Scheslinger fell ill, the bee made it’s way into the hands of travelling salesman Hec Ramsey, who took the toy to his brothers wood turning business in New Lynn. An icon was born.

The accent We are cool because we’re like Canada ‘cos we say ay at the end of each sentence, but we’re different ‘cos we say it like a question ay? The New Zealand accent can seem just like the Australian one to travelers from the Northern Hemisphere. But don’t be fooled – it’s not. While the two accents developed side by side from the mouths of Irish, Scottish and English immigrants, the end result is a little different. Researchers from the Origins of New Zealand project at The University of Canterbury have analyzed recordings made in the 1940s from elderly New Zealanders born between 1850 and the early 1900s. What they found are quirks, unique to New Zealand. One discovery the researchers made related to the Southland “r”. “It is in words like nurse, work and girl where you get that real ‘r’ now, but many of the early speakers pronounced the ‘r’ in many more types of words and even people in other parts of the country including North Islanders were using some degree of ‘r’ pronunciation. It wasn’t just the Southlanders. We didn’t expect that,” said Canterbury researcher Dr Margaret Maclagan in an article in the Canterbury Chronicle. And our special pronunciation of “fush and chups”, well that came much later said Maclagen. Sweet as.

The Anthem Yes, every country has an anthem and every one will claim their anthem as the best but how many former British colonies have their anthem in two languages? No, really, does anyone know?

Well, the Canadians sing “O’ Canada in English and French. Tough luck to the Inuit on that one. And it’s a safe bet that the Australian Aboriginal community will be waiting some time for the national anthem across the ditch to include them. South Africa seems to be the most open to it’s rainbow citizenry. Since 1997 five

Manaakitia mai Aotearoa

languages have made up the national anthem. But in New Zealand we go for two versions –the English and te reo Maori. According to nzhistory.net.nz, Thomas Bracken’s poem, ‘God defend New Zealand’, was put to music in 1876 by J.J. Woods from Lawrence, Central Otago. The first Maori translation of the anthem was made in 1878 by Native Land Court judge, Thomas H. Smith. For much of the 20th Century, most New Zealanders could mumble their way through the English version, but completely failed when it came to the Maori text. This changed in 1999 when Hinewehi Mohi sang ‘God defend New Zealand’ only in te reo Maori before the All Blacks versus England match. This triggered widespread debate and greater awareness of both versions. For kicks (and because there is an ANZAC text coming up) here is the first stanza of both versions:

first powered flight (though the Americans still dispute that). For years New Zealanders have been punching above our weight in the invention stakes. Sure the government has reduced its investment in research lately. But we are still rocking the patent office. In the last month alone, New Zealanders submitted 176 patent applications, according to the Intellectual Property Office. So here’s to the No. 8 wire, which was probably used in the first electric fence – another New Zealand invention.

English: God of Nations at Thy feet, In the bonds of love we meet, Hear our voices, we entreat, God defend our free land. Guard Pacific’s triple star From the shafts of strife and war, Make her praises heard afar, God defend New Zealand Maori: E Ihowā Atua, O ngā iwi mātou rā Āta whakarangona; Me aroha noa Kia hua ko te pai; Kia tau tō atawhai;

Spreadable Butter Did you know New Zealanders are responsible for spreadable butter? Seriously. And the tranquilliser dart gun. And jogging. And the

The Movie Set Whether you support the Wellywood sign or not, there is no denying that New Zealand makes the perfect movie backdrop. Xena, Hercules, Lord of the Rings, Boy, Heveanly Creatures and Whale Rider have all put New Zealand on the map (for once citizens of the northern hemisphere have realized we’re not swimming distance from Australia). But it’s not just our countryside that stands out on celluloid. There are our actors too. And how great is it that Temuera Morrison and Cliff Curtis are so versatile – to the American viewing public they are Mexican-Americans, Colombians, Arabs, Persians, Chechens, Pacific Island pirates or just rather tan. All joking aside, kiwis have made an impact in entertainment. Whether playing a kiwi or taking on an international role, New Zealanders are making their mark. It’s something to be proud of. So however you define yourself, if you are a New Zealander – you should be proud. If you’re not a New Zealander – jealous much?

Not just rugby, but a lot of rugby. I think it’s a fair comment to say New Zealanders love their sport. And there’s a lot to be proud of. But then there’s also all our World Cup attempts…. So, here it is – the best and worst of New Zealand’s athletic talent.

THE BEST: The Invincibles: The Invincibles are the cornerstone of New Zealand’s rugby history. Part of a legend that dates back to the All Black team that toured the United Kingdom, Ireland, France and Canada in 1924 – 1925. This was when men were manly, and rugby players didn’t advertise jockey shorts. Over six months the touring All Blacks won all of their 32 games, scoring a mighty 838 points and conceded on 116.

maybe. But until then, more and more people around the world are getting into looking like giant hamsters as the role, run and slide down grassy knolls.

Netball cries out for attention and gets….a little

You know you are good when you can run a mile in less than four minutes. Good or very very scared. Sir John Walker achieved this feat in 1975 when he ran a mile (1600 meters folks) in 3:49.4 minutes. It was a world record at the time and was only broken in 1979 by Britain Sebastian Coe. Both Walker and Peter Snell, who won gold at the Rome Olympics, were students of Arthur Lydiard, the man who invented jogging.

Originally introduced to New Zealand as “women’s basketball” in 1906 or 1907, netball’s popularity spread during the 20th century. But it would be fair to say, the sport didn’t get the same coverage as rugby. This started to change in the late nineties when New Zealand’s national netball team won gold at the Melbourne Commonwealth games. And then our netball team won the World Championship in 2003. You probably won’t see the games televised at sports bars, or see a city come to a grinding halt and change its system of governance for tournament but at least most kiwis know who Irene Van Dyke is. So it’s an improvement. Fun fact: Netball has the second highest number of injuries in New Zealand, after rugby.

The invention of zorbing

Mahe Drysdale pukes his ring out

Who doesn’t love rolling down a hill in a big plastic ball? Invented in Auckland in 1994 by Andrew Akers and Dwane van der Sluis, this will one day become an Olympic sport. Well,

There is something endearing about someone who doesn’t give up. At the 2008 Olympics, Mahe Drysdale competed in the final of the single sculls despite being ill with a

Jogging becomes running

gastrointestinal infection. The pictures of him puking after his race are legendary. And while he didn’t get gold, most people in New Zealand celebrated as if he did. When we talk about New Zealand hard men, Drysdale’s name is pretty close to the top of the list.

All Whites make it – finally Every four years since 1930, FIFA have held a Football World Cup. And, every four years except one, New Zealanders have gone about their business safe in the knowledge that we don’t have a team competing. The exception, of course is 1982 when Wynton Rufer and his merry band of men lost all three group games to Brazil, Scotland and the USSR. This year in South Africa, the mighty All Whites will rise again. Our group matches will be against Italy (the current champions), Paraguay and Slovakia.

THE WORST: Rugby World Cups

Take your pick on this one. Was it worse to watch the South Africans beat New Zealand in 1995, after some questionable catering or watching the French whip the All Blacks in 2007 after some questionable refereeing? In the end, it comes down to one sad fact – despite being no. 1 in the world and winning

New Zealand History the ﬁrst world cup, when the rest of the rugby fraternity is watching, we collapse.

Sail Fail Winning the Americas Cup in 1995 was an epic moment, defending it in 19992000 was special but the 2003 challenge was just an absolute fail. The worst part of this tragedy was that the winners, Alinghi, included New Zealand defectors Russell Coutts and Brad Butterworth.

Our cricket team If you are a fan of cricket in New Zealand there are simply so many bad days. I think the 1981 underarm bowling incident deﬁantly rates as one of the worst moments in the sport – though it was by no means our fault (damn Australians). But I think the last decade can pretty much be described as death by a thousand cuts when it comes to cricket.

Losing to Australia Anytime that we lose to Australia, it’s a terrible moment. Netball, rugby, soccer, league, mathletics - a loss to Australia is as painful as waxing your nether regions.

New Zealand history is often thought of as the most boring subject at high school. We have never been invaded by Nazis, had communist guerrillas in the streets or sent men to space. In comparison to other nation’s history books, ours can seem a little bit bare. As usual, however, and as Grant Burns has shown through his “Secret History” articles, the best history is always the bit we don’t hear about in the classroom or from the text book. The best history is those facts and figures which don’t always make it from the past to the page. Let’s start our jaunt through the past of Aotearoa, in absolutely no order. The Maori period in New Zealand history is always the hardest to translate to the page. With no written language and only oral histories for almost five hundred years, a lot of the major events and heroes of Maoridom have probably been lost, or mistaken for myths and legends. Here’s what we do know: Maori waka (big-ass canoe) turned up in New Zealand in the 13th Century, at a time when most other civilisations still believed that the Devil controlled the water. No one can nail down exactly where they came from, but a quick look at a map of the South Pacific leads most scholars to believe that the Maori waka began their voyage from Fucking Ages Away. This began Aotearoa’s love affair with the sea. It took a while for Pakeha to get interested in it though.

In the early 1990s, 600 years after the Maori waka arrived in New Zealand, Kiwis started getting serious about water again. The Americas Cup, the oldest contested trophy in sports, was up for grabs, Russell Coutts and Brad Butterworth led the charge and the nation wore red socks in support of our sailors, despite never caring about them before. We just wanted to beat the Americans. And beat them we did. Also beaten: the Americas Cup Trophy, by a Maori “activist” in 1997, resulting in the trophy getting sent back to the original silversmith company who built it in 1843 and being repaired. Benjamin Nathan claimed that white exploitation of Maori was the reason behind his attack on the Americas Cup, but we at Nexus believe it was actually more to do with the trophy being extremely ugly. New Zealand has a long and chequered history with all things America-related, trophies notwithstanding. The ﬁrst foreign consulate was set up in Russell (our original capital) by the Americans, in order to deal with the large amount of American sailors and whalers who were passing through the area, having sex with all of our ancestors. During the Second World War, American marines from the 1st Marine Division en route to Guadacanal camped in the Wellington region. Generally popular with civilians (due to higher pay than British Empire soldiers and generosity), they were also known 25

for causing bar ﬁghts and being dick heads. The Battle of Manners Street is a prime example of Yanks being dicks. An Allied Servicemen’s Club in Manners Street, Wellington, was a popular hangout for American and Kiwi troops who were taking time off from killing Japanese and Fascist troops. The only problem was that the Americans didn’t like Maori troops being allowed to eat in the same place as them. Soon enough, New Zealand Pakeha and Maori troops were curb-stomping racist Yanks up and down the street. The battle only raged for two hours and the number of men involved is not accurately recorded, but it gives a good idea of how New Zealanders feel about racists. New Zealand, contrary to popular opinion, doesn’t have a lot of time for racists. Everyone likes to think that Pakeha treat Maori like crap and Maori treat Pakeha like crap, but compared to other nations, we’re doing OK. When our national religion (rugby) and racism mix, however, Aotearoa gets violent. In the 1970s, growing opposition to South Africa’s apartheid regime began to spill over from

politics into sports. In 1981 the New Zealand Rugby Union decided to host a Springbok Tour, despite our government wanting nothing to do with racist South Africa. Robert Muldoon, our prime minister at the time, eventually decided that politics should be kept out of sport and the tour went ahead. Bad move, Rob. Thousands of protestors from all walks of life (including Mongrel Mob and Black Power gang members) did their best to make the South Africans have a rubbish time in Aotearoa. The rugby pitch in Hamilton was invaded by protestors, who were then attacked by bottle throwing rugby spectators and armed police. The violent reaction by police was seen by many as being an over-reaction to a mostly peaceful protest. The anti-Tour movement grew in strength, with each game being disrupted in some small way, until the final game at Eden Park. There a plane circled the field, dropping flour bombs onto the pitch to halt the match. Don’t mess with New Zealand is the general consensus after the Springbok Tour of 1981.

AMATUER STRIPTEASE

COMPETITION 26

Other countries have learned to not mess with New Zealand over the years. Italy and Germany probably won’t give us another go in a hurry, for example. In 1914, New Zealand troops invaded German Samoa (now just Samoa), making it the first German territory to be lost to Empire troops in the First World War. Italy got its ass handed to it by Kiwi troops during the Second World War, even after they’d surrendered. Turkey also won’t come back for a sniff around, even though we eventually retreated from the beaches at Gallipoli. We are also the first nation in the world to give women the vote in 1893. We also got legalised prostitution (2003) and had the first transgender mayor (1995), as well as first transgender member of parliament (2000). Within a decade, many lobbyists see a relaxing of marijuana laws to the point where the drug of choice for Aotearoa is decriminalised. Looking at the history of New Zealand in even a general way, missing out some of the bigger events, (like French terror attacks in Auckland and Dave Dobbyn starting riots) it’s easy to see that New Zealand has an awesome history. Get reading!

$1300 IN CASH PRIZES TO BE WON!! Date: Friday 30th April 8pm Place: Lynden Court Chartwell Interested in having a go? Call or text Melissa 0210600588

COLUMNS:OTHER

TIPS101

Fishy Smell of War

Lecture 4:

I have trouble understanding what is going on in bed. My girlfriend complains that I don’t pay enough attention to the signs she is giving. Any help?

By Hollie Jackson

Procrastination websites. I shouldn’t encourage procrastination, but it is an inescapable part of student life. We all do it. Hell, I’ve been procrastinating about writing this column for weeks until the editor started ear-raping me about it (lies, he wouldn’t ear-rape me, he wouldn’t dare!). Being the middle of the semester, the assignments are starting to roll in, so check out some of these sites to cure the fatal procrastination disease. Lamebook.com – Screw waiting for someone to post something ridiculously stupid on Facebook, read what total strangers have posted and have a good giggle. Albinoblacksheep.com – Random flash animations and some really addictive flash games litter this site. Wicked for time-killing. Wikipedia.org – For those who want to learn something while procrastinating about learning something, Wikipedia’s ‘Random Article’ button is perfect for you. Pogo.com – I decided to see if this website was good enough for the column and, before I knew it, I had spent over an hour playing virtual Monopoly and other games you would play in real life if you had real friends. Definitely worthy. Fmylife.com – Fuck my – no, YOUR life. Laugh at other people’s misfortune. Its good. Bored.com – Self explanatory, no? Games and random crap to keep you mindlessly entertained. Freerice.com – Save starving Africans and learn English at the same time. Angryalien.com – Blockbuster films re-enacted entirely by bunnies in 30 seconds. Bloody awesome. StumbleUpon.com – This is for when you really, really don’t want to work. A typical person, while procrastinating, can spend up to 14 hours a day using this site (not true, I made that up, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone had actually spent that much time on there). It’s an application in which you click a button and away you go to some random site that relates to your interests. It seriously is amazing, try it!

With Cosmonaut Comrade K-Fry

Sex can be confusing if you are not as good at it as me, or Sun-Tsu. But this is understandable and forgivable, on account of the numerous limbs involved, the sheer amount of skin flying around, and the gallons of secreted fluids. Sun-Tsu realized this when he was seducing a fresh graduate from the local foot-binding academy, and decided that future generations shall be blessed with some advice and strategies. Here are some useful pieces of info: When he keeps aloof and tries to provoke a battle, he is anxious for the other side to advance. While the translation hides the secret meaning, it is easy for me to see that Sun-Tsu was referring to anal sex. If you partner attempts to anger you in bed, they are trying to start a struggle which will result in some “accidental” slippage. So if you are being berated or criticized get ready to use your Astro-Lube quick applicator kit, and pray that everyone involved has had an aenema. If his place of encampment is easy of access, he is tendering a bait. If you suddenly find that the body part you wanted to fondle or put in yourself is suddenly nearby and easy to reach, it is most definitely a trap. Chances are it smells or is about to shoot something into you. They want you to fall for it and see you struggle. If in this situation, pretend not to be unaware and then act surprised, throw in some tears and a terror poop, and she will be thankful. When the enemy is close at hand and remains quite, he is relying on the natural strength of his position. You are about to get back-alley raped…scream out “FIRE!”? Then question how your lady-friend talked you into it.

COLUMNS:OTHER

Any evolution questions you want covered? Mail to crevocafe@gmail.com

BLAIR IS ACE

Crevo Café

I really wish people would sort their shit out. Assume (if you like) that I am like every other student on campus. I have nothing to do on a Monday, because the weekend does not officially finish until midWednesday. So, far from paying attention in my lectures, and making the absolute most out of the education I am receiving, so I can get a decent job and one day emerge debt-free from beneath the weight of my Massive Student Loan, I am reading the Nexus to pass the time. Yes, the dirty little rag you are currently holding in your dirty little hands is also my way of surviving the oh-so-common 9am lecture found in my schedule of study. Now, I’m not taking English, or any form of literature. I am a chemistry student, but at least I know how to fucking write. It’s really not that hard. So why, I ask you, why are there so many fucking mistakes in this damn thing?

How radiometric dating works?

With Blair Basil-Forthright the 4th

Contributors, for the love of Pete, will you proofread? Senders of letters – actually, keep doing what you’re doing. No, scratch that. You fuckers should proofread as well. You’re at UNIVERSITY now. That’s right, bitches. Capital letters. This is higher education. You have essays to write, reports to collate, presentations to prepare. The difference between “there,” “they’re,” and “their” should be obvious by now. Honestly. They even sound different, you tard-brains. And yet, despite the silent screams of the language you so readily butcher go unheard. Each week, I sit with a highlighter pen, and find mistakes on nearly every page. Stop making it so fucking easy! I actually have had to buy a second highlighter this year alone. That means that there were so many damn mistakes in this damn magazine that my damn highlighter ran out! Someone once called me out on the behaviour, telling me that I was “a Grammar Hitler.” It was with the utmost satisfaction that I pointed out that as a proper noun, I would, in fact, be “The Grammar Hitler.” It was with the utmost satisfaction that they pointed out the irony.

with Crevo

Radioactive isotopes are naturally occurring minerals. Over time they emit particles and change into different forms. The average time it takes for half of the initial material to be gone is called a half life. Half lives vary greatly from nanoseconds to quintillions of years. By examining these isotopes and comparing the amount of the original (parent) to the new (daughter) isotope, it’s age can be judged. The objects being dated can range from pottery to fossils to geological strata. Because of the differences in rates of decay, some things can only be dated with some isotopes. A stopwatch and a calendar both measure time but you wouldn’t use a calendar to time running races or a watch to plan your year. Carbon dating works well up to objects about 50,000 years old. As such it’s good for dating traces of human civilisation and artefacts of our ancestors. When compared to tree rings, (another dating method, up to about 11,000 years.) it’s been proven accurate. But it’s no good for dating fossils, which are much older. Doing so will give incorrect results, occasionally fallaciously used as evidence that carbon dating is flawed. Each method, each isotope, has ranges it can measure but by using several, they can give us a fairly solid result. Imagine you’re trying to figure out the distance between two towns. Someone tells you they drive the distance every day and it’s 4 and a half kilometres. Someone else checks a map and tells you it’s 4.6 kilometres. A third person has a GPS navigator and says it’s 4541 metres. While they’re not all in agreement, they certainly give a consistent rough idea. If someone then tried to tell you that the local town was 6 metres away, you’d be sceptical. Radiometric dating places the age of our earth at around 4.45 billion years. Young Earth Creationism places it at about 6000 years. 4.45 kilometres vs 6 millimetres.

COLUMNS:OTHER

Politics: Battle Of Portaloo

Loud American’s

Yes indeed, we do have short memories, especially on political matters. At the next election New Zealanders will decide whether or not to keep MMP or replace it with something else. So what does history tell us about our voting system and why did we change to MMP?

The Cook Cafe & Bar

with Steve Barron

For a start, in 1978 and 1981, the Labour Party received more votes than the National Party but National remained the government, because they held more electorate seats. In 1978 the Social Credit Party received sixteen percent of the vote, but only one Member of Parliament, then twenty one percent of the vote in 1981 which gave them only two MPs. In 1984 the New Zealand Party received twelve percent of the vote, but no MPs. In other words many votes were “wasted votes”. These results, along with a growing distrust of politicians due to many broken promises, and New Zealanders innate belief in fairness, led to calls for change. I also remember Garry Knapp, the Social Credit leader, and a number of supporters, barricading themselves into one of Parliaments Select Committee rooms, as a protest to highlight the unfairness of the First Past the Post (FPP) system. They remained there for a number of days, even taking a porta-loo in with them. Knapp was seen on the six o’clock news waving from the balcony in defiance, after requests from the Speaker of the House and Police to remove themselves. Eventually a referendum was held and an overwhelming eighty four percent of voters voted for change. Many opponents at the time claimed that MMP would cause unstable governments. National Cabinet Minister Bill Birch said MMP would be “a catastrophic disaster for democracy”. Former Minister of Finance, Ruth Richardson said MMP “would bring economic ruin”. None of this eventuated. So the next time someone says to you, we need to get rid of this MMP, ask them if its ok that the party who gets the second most votes becomes the government and remind them about the good old days of 1978 and 1981

Mackenzie McCarty

7 Cook St., Hamilton East It’s 9:15am and the place is deserted save for a table of hot air balloonists munching on platters of spring rolls and fried samosas…for breakfast? Oh dear- and there isn’t a single vegetarian item on the breakfast menu other than French toast. But no worries, I’ll just go for their advertised muffin and coffee for $4.50. My boyfriend, who does eat meat, opts for the Mixed Grill: bacon, kransky sausages, mushrooms, grilled tomato, hash browns and fried eggs on foccacia bread ($15.50). “I’ll have the muffin deal please,” I ask the waitress. She informs me that the muffins haven’t been made yet- the place has been open for over an hour and it’s almost empty. This seems pretty slack. “Ok then, do you have anything vegetarian on the breakfast menu other than French toast?” I inquire. “Na,” she replies, “but you can always just get something off the regular menu- there’s heaps of vegetarian stuff on that like the vege burger or a Panini or something.” She’s kidding, right? “Um, I’ll just have a mocha thanks.” The food arrives after about ten minutes, and the boyfriend’s plate is huge and looks pretty good. Hash browns were frozen rather than freshly made, but that’s standard for cafes in New Zealand, and the kranskies are very tasty, he informs me. The eggs, however, are poorly cooked (actually, his exact words were “kind of disgusting”), the bread is “meh,” and the bacon also not spectacular. My coffee is very milky, but at least it only cost $3.50. Right, so I don’t like giving The Cook a bad review. It really is a neat place to come for weeknight entertainment. The jazz band Zebra, which plays on Wednesday evenings, is usually awesome- and I have had good coffees here once or twice.

COLUMNS:OTHER

Auteur House With Richard Swainson

It’s now six weeks into the Nexus print run for 2010. Time for some unashamed self promotion. Have any of you been wondering why completely out of context articles on various ﬁlm stars of yesteryear crop up on a weekly basis in this magazine? Does the name Auteur House resonate with you at all? Who the hell is an auteur when he’s at home, anyway?

The word auteur is a French term meaning author. The auteur theory was invented by some Gallic critics and aspiring filmmakers to justify their love of particular directors franchises on its head. Those guys spend lots of money buying multiple copies of the latest

We at Auteur House are literally named. Well, perhaps we don’t house the auteurs themselves

This is the column that I probably should have penned in the ﬁrst week of term, a retrospective explanation of what’s been going on for all those puzzled by what Louise Rainer, Loretta Young, James Cagney, Bill Murray and Frank Sinatra have in common.

Hollywood pap. We spend what little cash we have on a diverse array of classics, silent movies and world cinema. They and their staff have never heard of Rainer, Young and Cagney; we champion them.

- most of them, like the ‘decomposing composers’ in Michael Palin’s most underrated Monty Python song, are dead - but we do have an awful lot of their art. Over 4,000 titles at last count.

The word auteur is a French term meaning author. The auteur theory was invented by some Gallic critics and aspiring ﬁlmmakers to justify their love of particular directors. It claims these folk are the authors of a ﬁlm in the same way as a novelist is the sole creator of a book.

One of the rationales for our existence is that Hamilton has two tertiary institutions that teach media studies. The University of Waikato is one of them. So, to misquote Mae West like everybody else, why don’t you come us and see us some time?

The answer is that they all feature in movies stocked by Auteur House, an independent DVD rental store located at 555 Victoria St. We are small, specialist players that turn the conventional wisdom practised by the

Tales from Tinseltown With Emma Edwards

The Palin family are back. Brushing off the dust from 2008, Sarah Palin and her daughter Bristol, came out of the Alaskan woods this week to publicise their perspectives. Sarah Palin emerged to criticise Barack Obama’s latest defence policy. Obama has announced that the USA will not respond to an attack using nuclear weapons, in a bid to stop global production and tension, as advised by his Secretary of Defence. However, Palin is angered by this, stating, “This is unbelievable”, and that no previous government administration would ever consider such a policy. It appears that Sarah Palin wants the best weapons to aim at the enemy, especially neighbouring Russia, in order to prove who the dominant power is; however, Obama chooses to seek advice from the professionals, who believe nuclear weapons are not the answer. 32

Tina Fey could not resist the temptation of Palin’s recent outcry, and created a skit as Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live for the ﬁrst time in nearly two years. Fey, as Palin, introduced the new ‘Sarah Palin Network’ which includes the exciting shows ‘Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor?’, ‘Tea Party Wheel of Fortune’ (with such topics as ‘Obama is a terrorist’), ‘Hey Journalist, I Gotcha!’ (‘‘Where I re-edit my interviews with journalists to make it look like they were the ones unprepared’’) and ‘Man in a Helicopter with a Sniper Riﬂe vs. Wild’. Finally, Bristol Palin, 19, has joined forces with The Candie’s Foundation to create a Public Service Announcement, campaigning against Teen Pregnancy. The PSA shows a well-dressed Bristol holding her son, Tripp, and stating, “Pause, before you play”. Many have been quick to praise Bristol, stating that she

is attempting to address a serious situation; however, others show the irony. Bristol is already a mother, with a high-income family, and so others are translating her message as ‘its ok for me to get pregnant, because I can afford to, but you can’t”. Exciting things await the avid Republican American.

COLUMNS:FOOD

Student Foods with Auntie Emma!

Tuna pasta bake

Chocolate Cake

Ingredients

250g pasta, eg. penne or spirals 1T cooking oil 1 onion, ﬁnely diced 2 carrots, grated 2 courgettes, grated 1 red capsicum, diced

If it’s your turn to cook dinner

2c sugar 2 large eggs 1c milk or unsweetened yoghurt 3/4c cocoa 200g (7oz) butter, softened

1 yellow capsicum, diced 185g tin tuna in spring water 500g jar pasta sauce 1/2c grated cheese 1T dried mixed herbs

but you’ve completely forgotten to defrost any meat, make a tuna pasta bake. It’s an easy meal-in-one you can put together at the last minute.

2t baking soda 1.5t vanilla extract 1/4t salt 3c self-raising ﬂour 1c boiling hot coffee or water

Cook pasta in boiling salted water according to packet instructions. While that’s cooking, heat oil in a frying pan and saute onions until soft. Add the other vegetables and stir-fry on a high heat for three minutes. Pour drained pasta, vegetables, drained tuna and pasta sauce into a deep oven proof dish and stir to combine. Sprinkle over the grated cheese and dried herbs. Bake at 180°C for 15 minutes or until golden on top.

This divine chocolate cake is so easy to whip up, yet fancy enough for celebrations. And did I mention it tastes divine?

Heat oven to 160°C and line a 30cm round cake tin with baking paper. Place all ingredients in a mixing bowl and mix with an electric beater or wooden spoon until combined. Pour mixture into prepared tin and smooth the top. Bake for 1 hour or until a skewer inserted into the centre comes out clean. Cool in tin. Place in a sealed container or freeze if not using at once.

Spamalot Review

REVIEW:THEATRE

With Athen Masto Phlehack

I was optimistic, although armed with reasonably attenuated expectations, as I sat down to Hillcrest High School’s first performance of Monty Python’s Spamalot, with tag line “a new musical ‘lovingly’ ripped off from the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” My optimism was rewarded and my expectations far exceeded. Having a quotable familiarity with the film, I can honestly say that I giggled much harder at the opening number featuring a group of lampooned singing Finnish people with knickerbockers and blonde Pipi Longstocking pigtails dancing the tanhu and smacking each other with foam mackerel than I ever have watching the original. While it is true that a musical rendition of a Monty Python classic is prone to be particularly forgiving of unintended flubs and foibles, the performances were commendable nonetheless.

An occasionally screeching violin or skronking horn, a dancer pirouetting right when it should be left simply added to the ridiculous charm of the farcical romp. The leading role, King Arthur, was played by the sterling Henry Ashby. From his

I can honestly say that I giggled much harder at the opening number featuring a group of lampooned singing Finnish people with knickerbockers and blonde Pipi Longstocking pigtails absurdly self-assured smile constantly directed with glistening élan towards the audience to his gleaming vocal delivery in his various solos, Ashby is certainly a person to watch in future productions. Other particularly standout

performances came from James Cain as both the historian and Brother Maynard, and the spectacular vocal chords of Ranjini Vasanthan as the Lady of the Lake. Within the dynamic range of high school musical performances, the production bordered on lavish with full live orchestration, countless set changes, professional looking wardrobe and lighting and dizzyingly complex choreography. In comedy, timing is everything, and director Scot Hall, a Hillcrest alum, did an excellent job of drawing the best out of his performers. In an age when American high schools cancel senior proms rather than allow gay couples to attend in each other’s company, I particularly commend the Spamalot production personnel and Hillcrest administration for producing a musical with a delightful song celebrating a gay interracial marriage. Good on’ya! 33

REVIEW:GAMES

JUST CAUSE 2 Review by Daggard

Don’t hate me just cause I’m beautiful... Lush forests, rolling hillsides, dusty desert plains, snow-capped mountains, shining cities and stunning beaches. The island of Panau is 6 gorgeous holiday resorts in one. But like any holiday, once you’ve seen all there is to see, it gets pretty old pretty fast. Then your ﬂight’s cancelled. And you’re stuck there. And suddenly you ﬁnd yourself trapped in that picture-perfect postcard, bored, drunk and pissed off. Ok so let’s get the good out of the way. Grapple hook + reusable parachute = awesome. Gliding over a sunset-bathed Panau or launching through cities and over rooftops is Just Cause 2’s greatest achievement. It’s Spidey’s webslingling meets Batman’s gliding and it’s done so well, you wonder why they even bothered with all the other vehicles - especially since they all handle like shite.

While it’s big brother GTA takes its lead from Goodfellas and The Godfather, Avalanche’s genre inspirations are somewhat murkier.

The story? Rico teams up with 3 “different” rebel factions to ﬁnd a rogue agent (his old mentor). Yeah, it’s the kind of enthralling drama

Rico Rodriguez is a supposed amalgam of 007 and Antonio Banderas’s Desperado. In actual fact, it’s more Roger Moore doing his ‘Mexican bandito’ impression. While he’s pissed. Rico even handles like Roger Moore. TODAY. He runs like his back’s about to give out. He can’t climb over a railing. Or up a ladder. Nice... And calling the voice work in Just Cause 2 “bad” is like calling Bill Gates “comfortable”. It’s not bad - it’s total and utter bum gravy of the highest order.

that only Steven Seagal is still making. There’s a bag here with some cool and shiny toys, but it’s on top of some old and broken crap you thought you’d thrown out. JC2 is the stereotypical pretty person - all looks, no personality. Sure, they might be nice to look at or even parade around town, but every time they open their mouth you just want to slap it. Hard.

World War 2 Games In General: Killing Nazis Specifically By Art Lately I’ve been playing a lot of World War 2 games. While everyone else is tired of WW2 as a game setting and would rather be knee deep in The Sims 3, Napoleon Total War or Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, there’s nothing that makes me happier than killing Nazis. Most people think of Nazi killing as only really viable in a ﬁrst person shooter. Wolfenstein and its sequels, the Medal of Honour series and, of course, the Call of Duty range are the most vocal products on the market in terms of World War 2 games. Alternative World War 2 games have largely gone unnoticed by the gaming public. The Brothers in Arms series (three titles so far) is a good

example of the kind of game pushed into the shadows by behemoths like Medal of Honour and Call of Duty. A FPS with a requirement for tactical thought puts this game, in my opinion, head and shoulders above the malarkey of Medal of Honour, where one man with a BAR can decimate an entire Kraut division. Realism is what makes Nazi killing the most fun. Not realism in terms of excessive blood and guts, or the cries of wounded SS men in a bunker you just ﬂamed, but in terms of “could this really happen?” That means accuracy. I don’t want to be lifting scalps of the Hun from a kilometre away with a Thompson. That stuff just can’t happen. I don’t want all of my grenades to bounce perfectly, or all of my weapons to be jam-free for three hours of constant ﬁring. So, here is a short list of games which I think people need to be paying attention to when it comes to Nazi killing. Brothers in Arms: as mentioned above, this game puts you as squad leader in charge of

half a dozen men and sometimes a tank. Order them to lay down suppressing ﬁre, charge an enemy position or sit tight, but you won’t be able to make it very far without them at your side. 5/5 The WAR series of games from Russian company Best Way is possibly the best real time tactics games available to a serious WW2 gamer. These games include Soldiers: Heroes of World War II, Men of War and Faces of War. Extremely accurate representations of vehicles and weapons from American, German, Russian, British and other armies puts this game series at the top of any strategy competition. The amount of micro management required to fully enjoy this game may put off more casual gamers, but people who play WW2 strategy games regularly aren’t casual gamers anyways. It is also the only series of games I have played which allows the invasion of Crete to be played out at the control of the gamer. 6/5

REVIEW:GAMES

Garth Ennis and Jacen Burrows

REVIEWED BY J ROBINSON

Atomic Robo Vol 1: Red 5 Comics

Reviewer Nick Silvester

Written by Brian Clevinger with art by Scott Wegner Atomic Robo is a fun, bright and crisp comic that could be most simple described as robot Indiana Jones leading the Ghostbusters. Atomic Robo is a sentient robot built by Nicola Tesla about 80 years ago. He heads an organisation, “The fightin’ scientists of Telsadyne”, who travel the world and take on paranormal and supernatural emergencies too weird for the normal military to handle - a simple concept that has a lot of potential. Wegner’s art is solid but nothing fancy, a lot like Robo’s visual design, but this certainly suits the type of stories Clevinger is telling. In fact reading Atomic Robo felt a bit like reading the story boards for an awesome animated TV show, Wegner’s art it has that cartoony look. This book would make a great animated show to, it’s funny, it’s got great action and some cool villains. Robo’s design might be simple but it’s a neat visual concept having him wear clothes, it makes him seem more human, and there are some funny sight gags during the flashbacks where we get Robo in flares or 80’s Hawain shirts, he’s been alive for 83 years and it seems

he made every fashion mistake possible along the way. Part of the fun behind Atomic Robo is that being over 80 years-old the storytellers can place him in almost any historical event that has happened the last century, which of course amongst his other adventures he gets a legitimate excuse to face off against the best kind of villains in my opinion, crazy sci-ﬁ Nazi scientists. The book is simple but it’s smart, and that’s what I like most about it, the quips are actually funny and the dialogue seems natural (well as natural as you can get when you have characters talking about solar powered death rays). What I also liked is that we don’t get the overwrought cliched “I wish I was a real boy” type angst that seems to plague almost every sentient robot in popular culture, what we do get is the odd subtle hint that having to watching your friends grow old and die, when you never will, would be a lonely existence. Robo may not have a literal heart but he has metaphorical heart in spades and the comic is a fun and accessible read.

This comic is for grownups, it’s disgusting. I love it. DO NOT pick it up if you are easily offended, or catholic. The story in Wormwood is great, I love this comic. But don’t even start to read it if you’re easily offended, I’m being totally serious. The words and the pictures seem to be made to shock. The art in this series is amazing, it’s not pretty, instead it’s incredibly graphic with scenes of heads on stakes, sex of all kinds, penis noses, blood, nudity, intestines. Actually I lie, some of the scenes of heaven are very pretty (And a very good warning for those thinking about becoming a suicide bomber.) Wormwood, the title character of the comic series, is the anti-Christ. His dad is Satan, he has demonic powers and lives in New York City. He knows the end of the world is coming, and is meant to start it, but he doesn’t want to. By day he is a television executive and makes offensive reality TV. Wormwood’s best friend is Jesus. Jesus is mentally retarded because he was hit in the head by a member of the L.A.P.D in riot gear, he’s not up to performing many miracles anymore. His other friend is a talking rabbit called Jimmy. The Armageddon is coming. The pope, Jacko, is a total pervert and isn’t going to save any souls. The pictures are great even if they are disturbing, the story is amazing and provides a good commentary of religion as it stands today in a very unlikely format. I really enjoyed the Chronicles of wormwood, even though some of the images made me want to throw up. I don’t think I really needed to see some of the things that happen in this comic’s hell. But really, you should read Chronicles of Wormwood, it’s an amazing story and it’s gross and funny and good motivation not to go to hell.

REVIEW:MOVIE

Swainson at the Cinema

“The Hurt Locker” is easily the best fiction film yet to come out of the Iraqi debacle. It’s main strength is that it doesn’t seek to make any big, all encompassing statements. That’s not to say that it’s apolitical or disinterested in the specifics of the American Middle East occupation rather that it is first and foremost a character study. Writer Mark Boal and director Kathryn Bigelow examine masculinity under pressure, exploring more the psychology of violence. The central premise - that war is for some a drug, an addictive adrenaline rush - is a strong one that has never quite been dealt with in the same way before. The leads are largely unknown. Jeremy Renner plays William James, a sergeant in charge of a three man bomb disposal unit. James’ technique is simple: to place himself in as much physical danger as possible, regardless of the consequences for his nominal subordinates. This earns him the admiration of his superiors but the resentment of colleagues who pride themselves on professionalism and hope to survive the limited tour of duty. While the plot synopsis might sound like a Ramboesque exercise in conventional, gung-ho movie heroics there’s is a lot more going 36

on both thematically and in terms of raw human drama. James has his crusader side - looking for ‘payback’ when he thinks an Iraqi boy whom he has befriended has been turned into a human bomb - but his essential motivations have little to do with the war itself. Iraq serves to liberate a side of his character, one that then takes over his personality entirely. Bigelow paces the ﬁlm deliberately and doesn’t overdo the hand held camera work or jump cuts. Tension arises naturally from the team’s missions, leading to several edge-of-your-seat moments as bombs need to be deactivated within a ﬁnite time frame, yet these never feel like set pieces. The potentially distracting cameo appearances of Ralph Fiennes, David Morse and Guy Pearce in the only combat sequence are seamlessly integrated into the whole. In so far as the comparison is useful “The Hurt Locker” is the anti-”Green Zone”. There’s no speculation about Weapons of Mass Distraction or even liberal hand wringing over the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. Instead we get a small scale if completely credible dramatisation of why war remains an attractive proposition for a minority.

There is no denying that “The Men Who Stare at Goats” has its moments. A broad farce very, very loosely based on the activities of an actual paranormal unit within the U.S. military, it plays like “Stripes” meets “Taxi to the Dark Side” by way of “Hair”. Goofy army humour alternates with hippie hi-jinks, LSD gags, a sustained parody of New Age philosophy, Ronald Reagan jokes and “Star Wars” references. It has a cast able and willing to take on this ambitious mix. Ewan McGregor seizes the opportunity to poke fun at his Obi-wan Kenobi alter ego, playing a journalist investigating the so-called ‘Jedi Knights’. George Clooney is at his best as the order’s prime ‘Earth warrior’, called out of retirement via psychic message from his mentor and looking to reconnect with his old unit during the Iraq War. Jeff Bridges cruises in subBig Lebowski mode as the Jedi’s former commander and Kevin Spacey does what he can with an underwritten part as the villain of the piece. While “Goats” manages its tonal shifts better than you might think its structural ﬂaws and a lack of narrative drive mean it seldom rises above the level of the belly laugh. A script which seeks to

combine events in Vietnam with current affairs in the Middle East feels contrived and unfocused, particularly in a problematic third act. The effort to present the Jedis as humanitarian heroes at odds with the mainstream military and political organisation comes across as at best misconceived, at worst dishonest and insulting to genuine victims of torture. It doesn’t take much imagination to see that there is a good film inside “Goats” struggling to get out. The raw material - Jon Ronson’s nonfiction book on the real New Earth army and other instances of what he sees as “the apparent madness at the heart of U.S. military intelligence” - is pure gold. It cries out for true satirical treatment, one that exposes the bizarre contradictions at work within army culture. Instead writer Peter Straughan and director Grant Heslov deliver a soft hearted comedy about tree hugging soldiers living happily ever after. When taken in conjunction with “The Green Zone” the ending of “The Men Who Stare At Goats” confirms a disturbing trend of Hollywood pulling its punches when depicting Iraq. If only the Coen brothers had made it.

REVIEW:BOOK

Kevin Pryor Goes Down on Books How to be Idle – Tom Hodgkinson I’m writing this review lying on my back in bed, because this book has helped me learn how to be idle. What’s that you say? You’re doing a B.A and you don’t need any advice on how to be idle thank you very much? Wrong. This is the whole thrust of Hodgkinson’s book. He too had a great old idle time at university. He slept in as late as he wanted, was in a band or two, edited the student magazine. And then, he graduated and got a job. A good job too, working for the Guardian newspaper, living in London, even being able to afford to buy a property in London. All sweet right? Well actually no. Hodgkinson relates a profound sense of disappointment at ﬁnding himself trapped in this lifestyle. Far from being fulﬁlled, he felt betrayed. Betrayed by having spent his entire youth sweating away at school and university, studying, passing exams, to be rewarded by a .. job. A job where he had no free time to socialise with friends, pursue his

own interests, and all his money went towards mortgage repayments and bills. So what did he do? He sold up, left the property market and bright lights of London to move to a rented cottage in Devon. He also started ‘the idler’ magazine, a celebration of well, being a lazy arse. ‘How to be idle’ is a collected work of some of the main themes of the magazine. Chapter titles include, ‘sleeping in,’ ‘the nap,’ the art of conversation,’ ‘smoking.’ The great thing about this book is that it not some stupid, simplistic hippie manifesto about dropping out of society. Instead it is a thoughtful, intelligent critique of the protestant work ethic and consumer capitalism. References and quotes are drawn from some of the great slackers through history like Oscar Wilde, Marcel Proust, and many others.

So join the idle revolution by checking out the idler.co.uk website. It’s pretty easy. In fact you don’t have to do anything at all.

Wolf Hall - Hilary Mantel Reviewed by J Robinson

became one of the most powerful of Henry VIII’s courtiers. If you’ve seen the TV series The Tudors, this is kinda like that, but from Cromwell’s view rather than Henry’s. Cromwell’s background and the history of his family is totally not what you’d expect for someone who became so close to the king. The lies told about him are vicious, the stories people believe are mad and what actually happened is pretty weird too. The whole story of his life is really interesting, as is the way he gets into the king’s court and keeps himself there. Wolf Hall is the name of the home he sets up for his family, so you see a lot of what happens with his family, rather than just during his time with the king. The family aspect adds more drama to the whole thing - lots of births deaths and even adoption. This version of Cromwell’s life is intense and interesting and he

is more than just a lawyer and financial adviser, he is made appealing as an enlightened man who can see the waste of the papacy and superstition which is prevalent at the time and who is doing his best to change it. This is definitely a work of fiction, because nothing is actually known of Cromwell’s early life. During his lifetime he was widely hated and his bureaucratic innovations were seen as being inherently sinister, which makes Cromwell a very unlikely hero. I was recommended this book by a couple of people before I got around to reading it, and I’m glad I did get around to it because it was as good as they said it was. The story is amazing and covers so much history in a way I’ve never read it before, even though I’ve read many other novels based in this period. 37

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