issue 9

19 May 2008

Idiots. We only include one because all the morons out there seem to want us to. Either people are stupider than we’d like, or lectures are far more boring than they should be. On an interesting note, since we’ve started calling it the Wordfind for Idiots, the number of people using them to enter competitions has dropped dramatically while the number of people entering competitions for non-retards like the Caption Comp has skyrocketed. Embarrassed, word-finders? You should be.

Is my mother a domineering, controlling psychopath?

Without a doubt – because she knows what you’re up to with those boys in your class. Or, rather, she knows what the boys in your class would like to be up to with you. Either way, it’s time to move out of home. The free laundry just isn’t worth it anymore.

Does the combination of a looming economic crisis, rising mortgage and living costs, and all that other crap mean I’m going to be financially strapped for life?

Yes definitely – but only if you stick to the law. For true entrepreneurs, opportunity is endless. Hard times mean black markets thrive. As long as there are people, there will be demand for drugs. You’re not using the attic – install some hydroponics! If all else fails, there’s always straight-up robbery. Judging from the crime rate in Hamilton, everyone else is doing it, and you know what that means.

Does wearing a scarf make me look gay?

No - wearing a scarf doesn’t. Everything else about you does.

Does the Flash Medallion Fun and Puzzle Page of ___________ have enough puzzles?

Yes definitely – and while we’re on this note: Wordfinds are for children in primary school and idiots, which is why it’s called the Wordfind for

Will there be power cuts this winter?

Signs point to yes – and by “signs” we mean “the greedy blackmailing bastards at the power companies, who are standing with their hands on the off-switch, ready to plunge us into abyssal darkness and cold showers.”

Does the live music scene in Hamilton suck because the people who dominate the gigs are snobs, which puts other people off?

Very doubtful – it’s not because they’re mere snobs. It’s because they’re a special kind of uber-snob, which gives off a stench that non-snobs can smell from across town. The lack of showering doesn’t help, either.

Are the Unicyclists pissing everybody off as much as that zany letter-writer from last week?

Better not tell you now – because, right now, I can see a unicyclist outside my office, zipping about dangerously, accosting old women, knocking people over, and yelling “I AM THE GOD-CHODE!” at the top of his lungs. Oh, god, here’s right here! He’s coming up the stairs! I’d bettelrkujl…

Evry1 bow dwn 2 the unicyclists and no1 gets hurt, K? PS IAM TEH GOD CHODE!

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This week’s entries were completely insane.

We got so many, I may as well ditch the rest of the Nexus content and go with a magazine full of captions. No, really. Maybe it was the recognizeableness (new word) of Anna Kournikova, or the hilari-factor (another new word) of her being ogled by a kid, but there was a truly crazy amount of entries. It’s been very hard to pick a winner, but here’s our favourite effort:

new this Damn! I k

ork!

e would w

kid costum

Damn! I knew this kid costume would work!

Brilliant. On that note, here’s this week’s picture.

Congratulations, Mahi Newton-King! Come into the Nexus offices to get your free voucher of Fuel Burger!

You know how it works. Send in your entries to Nexus at nexus@waikato.ac.nz

Here are some of our non-winning but still awesome favourites:

or 021 235 8436. Make sure you include “caption” in the subject line or our spam filter will decapitate them. Also include your name so we know who the winner actually is.

I can see where she missed a spot this morning.

I will tell her once I get rid of this erection – Nik Boswell Anna Kournikova, you are really fucking shit at tennis – Mitch Sutton Does your one vibrate like mummy’s one?

– Florian Hermann

On suiting up

By Kirill

Here’s a short list of awesome people I know (personally, and in some cases more) me, James Bond, Barney Stinson, Monopoly man and Bruce Banner. These names all have something in common. Can you guess what it is? Try. Is it the fact that we’re all awesome? Yes, but not the answer I was looking for. Is it our sex appeal and amazing technique? No, Bruce, Barney and James are good, while me and Monopoly man spend most of the night fumbling and apologizing. Is it because we all can suit up if needed and not look awkward doing it? Yes, good guess. Here, have a candy and a pat on the back.

Every guy needs a suit, no exceptions. The only excuse for not having one is that you can’t afford one yet, because you don’t want to wear a bad suit. That I can respect. A good suit will set you back, and hurt your wallet, and force you to turn tricks on the corner (if you do-021 356 241). But, a good suit will also make you look good, really good. It will 4

literarily hide your body flaws and accentuate your awesomeness. It will also make everyone around you want to have your children, in a kidnapping sort of way, because a person who looks as good as you do must be rich and powerful. But enough talk, let’s get to details.

First thing you need to do is surrender to the fact that you know nothing and need expert help. Go to somewhere which specializes in suits and ask for help. You will need proper measurements done, and it will need to be fitted by a tailor, otherwise you’re wasting money. But before you go there you might want to decide on a color.

Quick tip, black is too formal for most events unless it has a pinstripe or your shirt and tie will be a non-funeral type color. Grey, Dark Blue work well in most occasions. Brown doesn’t.

Unless you have a specific look that you’re going for, a typical two button style will be fine. A Chinese collar, or a Napoleon jacket might be too bold a choice unless you are

doing a Bachelor of Arts and will never need more than rudimentary groinal coverage for a job interview.

Next, you will need a good shirt and tie. Ties are the most customizable and visible piece of suit attire, so match it well to your personality and clothing (not too well though, no one likes a tie that indicates how many hours of internet porn you have under your belt).

Your shirt should fit so that it rest on your hand area when your arm is down and roughly 2cm below the cuff of your jacket. If you want to wear cuffs then you will need to ask for a French cuff shirt.

When you have selected your shirt, tie, jacket and pants, please ask the people at the store to dress you. I’m not kidding. They will show you what needs to be buckled and what goes where and what tie knot goes best on your collar. It is also entertaining to have people dress you…ask for a sponge bath too.

1.Do you live within or outside your means?

2.What would you do for $10 cash.

3.How much income do you get per week?

4.How much money do you need per week?

5.If you could say one thing to Studylink/the Government, what would it be?

1) Outside (whimpers a little) 2) Ummm…do someone’s homework for them.

3) $130 4) $200 5) Please can you cover international students LOL…or at least provide a student loan system

1) Outside 2) *rubs chin*… I do a lot for $10 *puts hand on Nexus’s shoulder* 3) $0 4) $200 5) What’s a Studylink? Can I eat it?

(Nexus said: NO)

1) Ridonkulously outside my means 2) I’d let someone Roofie me 3) -$3 4) $125 5) *sips coffee* mutters: I don’t know what Studylink is

1) Within 2) Kill a baby 3) $0 4) $100 5) Stop chargin’ me up the ass to get my exam changed

1) Probably outside 2) Streak…I need some (Nexus wasn’t sure what she meant by “some”) 3) $0 4) $100 5) … … … (she just stared at Nexus, Nexus stared back)

5

FEATURES Nexus Issue 09 19 May 2008 Editor: Joshua “Grunge Elitist” Drummond (nexus@waikato.ac.nz) Design: Talia “The Edge” Kingi (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz) Advertising: Tony “Cash” Arkell (admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz/ 021 176 6180) Assistant to the Editor: Andrew “Badass MC” Neal (news@nexus-npl.co.nz) Music Ed: Carl “Collective” Watkins (toezee@gmail.com) Books Ed: Kelly “This week it’s porn” Badman (fairytonic@inspire.net.nz) Film Ed: Art “Hurry the fuck up” Focker (adr7@students.waikato.ac.nz)

Contributors 8 Ball, AJ, Annabel, Emma, Vitamin C, WSU, Kirril, Carl Watkins, Chris Parnell, Burton C. Bogan, Nick Sicklemore, Fergus Hodgson, Kelly Badman, Jed Laundry, Dr Richard Swainson, Josh, Andrew, Talia, Matt, Grant “They grow outside FASS” Burns, Mammoth, HCAC, Flash Medallion, Gordon Dawson Art Focker, Wayne Rumbles, Thunder McLoud, Andy Fyers, Phoebe Merryl, Dawn, who knows what it’s like, and Louise, because it’s the thought that counts.

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) Because it’s like being legitimate without all the messy ethics and stuff.

19-22 The Cost of Living We investigate how much it costs to live these days and why – and then we actually give you some practical advice on what you can do about it.

NEW STUFF

Sports Thoughts makes a welcome return on page 23, courtesy of Andy Fyers. We’ve got sports results for Uni teams on page 27, cheers muchly to AJ, and there’s the first ever all-in-rhyme (well, doggerel, really) Execution on page 14. Grant Burn’s Vault is on page 12, and for cerebral content you can’t beat a very legal Lectern and Big Picture, conveniently located next to each other on pages 30 and 31. Oh, and the Comic Review is back with Gordon Dawson on page 34. Excelsior!

NEWS

8 – 13 Comvita vs Waikatolink in sticky honey scrap, Science Prizes, Carbon Dating (no, it’s not a dating service for climate-change deniers) Graduate House scam warning, MASH and India Ink, The Endless Pools, Vault, the Police Report, and the Nexus Haiku News

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, OR ANYONE. BY READING THIS SECTION YOU IRREVOCCABLY RESCIND THE RIGHT TO SUE US FOR ANY REASON AT ALL. YOU ALSO OWE THE EDITOR $50.

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS? EMAIL nexus@waikato.ac.nz OR admanager@nexus-npl.co.nz OR call 07 838 4653 OR 021 176 6180

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton

PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: nexus@waikato.ac.nz POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

REGULARS AND RANDOMS 03 Majick Acht Ball 04 Caption Competition 04 Essence of Awesome 05 Low Five 06 You’re looking at it 07 Editorial 14 Execution 15-17 Lettuce 18 Rant of the Week 18 Garfield Minus Garfield 18 XXXL 28 Flash Medallion’s Puzzle Page 29 El Notices 30 Lectern 31 Big Picture 32 Boganology 101 32 Nerdery 33 The Phat Controller 33 Café Review 34 Book Review 34 Comic Review 35 Moving Pictures 35 A River Runs Through It 36 Citric 36 DVDs 38 Gigs 38 Agony Art 39 BUSTED

By Joshua Drummond It’s May, New Zealand Music Month. What does this mean? Radio stations play a bit more Kiwi music than usual, Hallensteins does a brisk trade in black shirts and hoodies with targets on, and media minds

entirely? The fact remains: Hamilton has the venues. They’re not being used properly, and it’s criminal. I’m just not sure who to blame.

around the country take the opportunity to have a go at or praise the current state of New Zealand Music.

In the past, Nexus editors have written well-thought-out, entertaining and knowledgeable rants on the (sad?) state of Hamilton music, usually because they or people they know are intimately connected to the Hamilton music scene. I’m going to try the same thing, for the opposite reason. I’m not really connected to the scene at all, and I think this lends me a uniquely yobbish perspective, which I suspect might be shared by all the other yobs out there.

You suck because you suck Hey kids, here’s a thought! Ever wondered why popular bands get popular? “We know!” I hear the indies whine.* “It’s because they’ve compromised their artistic standards to sell out to the lowest-commondenominator worshipping public!”

Well, that’s true. Sometimes. Often, in fact. Other times, it’s because they have a little thing called talent. If you’ve never done it before, go to a Hamilton Music show. You might see some stellar talent, like Dick Dynamite and the Doppelgangers, who I am plugging here for no other reason than I’ve seen them twice and loved them. Or, more likely, you’ll see some shitty indie wankoff who hide their terrible musical skills behind a thin veil of “artistic credibility,” and make your ears weep blood. I’ve got a message for you, and I bet you know who you are: If your guitar playing makes you sound like you are trying to force a herd of cats through a sawmill, it’s probably because you suck. Sure, everyone has to start somewhere. But just don’t try to pass off a lack of talent as being wonderfully arty and avant-garde.

So, here’s the Hamilton Music Scene, in a particularly biased nutshell.

You suck because you’re not hosting any New Zealand bands people actually like.

About the only time Hamiltonians get a taste of bands they can enjoy is at a big event like Orientation or the V8s. The rest of the time, it’s a drought. I’m not entirely sure why this is. I’ve seen bands like the Datsuns play to a crowd of around 30 people, so maybe it’s because promoters don’t see the point in coming to a town they think will only let them down. Or maybe it’s because Hamiltonians aren’t letting their cries for decent Kiwi (and overseas) music be heard. A packed-out Datsuns gig at a big place like Yellow Sub would be awesome. Bands like the excellent Kora, the Black Seeds, Katchafire and others have regularly shown they can attract an enthusiastic, sell-out crowd to Hamilton gigs. Shihad have gone on the record saying Hamilton crowds are their favourites. So why no shows?

You suck not because there’s a lack of venues, but because of short-sighted mismanagement on the part of… um…?

There aren’t any venues, I hear the Hamilton Musicians say again and again. Well, that’s wrong. There are plenty of venues. Ones that come to mind are Ward Lane, Yellow Sub, and even the Altitude bar. Yellow Sub, formerly known as a bunch of other names, is about to close (again) and this is absolutely crazy. It’s a fantastic venue for just about any show. It’s huge, the facilities are decent, the drinks are relatively cheap, there are couches – it’s great. It kicks the figurative arses of famous, well-patronised venues like the King’s Arms in Auckland. So why does it continue to fail? Lack of patrons, or lack of business sense on behalf of the owners and promoters? Or is it a mix of factors, or other ones

You suck because you’re a bunch of nebbish, pretentious, elitist wankers.

Here’s where I take particular issue with the Hamilton Music Scene. For all the talent there is in Hamilton – and there is a surprising amount, even judging from the little I’ve seen – it’s let down the utter dickheads that seem to dominate the scene. I got called out the other day, by someone I respect and who is prominent in the local scene, for liking Pearl Jam. No offence, but fuck you. I’ll like whatever I bloody like, not what I’m supposed to like in order to gain wafer-thin indie cred. Insert Name of Band That Indies Hate Because They’ve Become Popular Here are have, often, gained their popularity through a mixture of hard work and talent. Indie darlings like the Strokes? They’re as fleeting as fog. Oh, and if any of the elite crew have ever wondered why it’s the same 15 people showing up to the ‘Tron’s indie gigs, here’s a possible reason why.

Nobody outside of your inner circle can stand you. Mull on that. Do you want the Pearl Jam-liking riff-raff at your gigs, or are you secretly in love with your narcissistic, elitist selves? *The whining of indie folk is like the omnipresent whining you get from fluorescent lights, computers, and old TVs – it’s always there, in the background, and eventually it drives you mad.

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News issue 09

Waikato honey mongers in sticky scrap Honey wordplay is the sweetest kind

By Andrew Neal A business deal gone sour between Comvita

Three payments were to be made by Comvita

“It’s a commercial disagreement, both parties

honey products and Waikatolink has seen the two companies engage in a bitter legal battle over millions of dollars.

over the course of three years totalling $3.5 million in cash and shares, of which Waikatolink claims they have paid less than half.

are disappointed but I think both hope it can be resolved,” he said.

Waikatolink, the business arm to the University of Waikato, sued Comvita due to nonpayments for intellectual property and Comvita has countersued.

Comvita’s counter-suit over damages due to what it claims to be misrepresentations are a total of $2 million.

An agreement that extends back to 2006 was made for Comvita to purchase intellectual property relating to ‘honey resarch’ for the following eight years.

There is a lot of confusion over the deal for Waikatolink, with Stuart saying there was surprise when Comvita allegedly reneged on their deal.

WaikatoLink chief executive Mark Stuart told Nexus that “We [Waikatolink] let them [Comvita] pay off the deal over several years,” but it had reneged on payments.

“From our point of view it was a straight forward business deal,” says Stuart.

Comvita Chief Marketing Officer, Scott Coulthard, says that the company is disappointed with the way things have gone due to a previously good relationship with the University.

But Comvita told the New Zealand Herald “it did not accept that it had any legal liability for the two subsequent payments as it believed WaikatoLink had misrepresented what it had to sell and was in breach of the Fair Trading Act.”

8

Comvita chief executive Brett Hewlett told the New Zealand Herald “the amount already paid by Comvita was more than fair value for money ‘and to pay any more would be unreasonable so we don’t feel it’s appropriate to continue to pay any more’”.

Stuart is sceptical about Comvita’s actions.

“They came back with a counter claim, that’s what always happens, to avoid or at least delay payment,” he said.

The deal included a package of a research programme; an eight year preferred research arrangement and patents around wound-care technology, said Comvita.

“A package of Intellectual Property was sold to is and I believe that there were certain things when we opened the package that were not what we agreed to,” says Coulthard.

May 19 2008

Science awards awarded to innovative students Best award awards to take place later in year

By Andrew Neal

The creations of plastics from blood meal and streamlined antibiotic processing technology have taken top prizes at the New Zealand biology student’s poster awards.

Masters student Lisa van den Berg won second prize for her blood plastics work and Yin Zhu, a Masters in Science student, placed third for her work with antibiotic processing.

36 students from Universities around the country placed entries, among those four, were Waikato entries.

The competition is designed to bring new products and research to the

Zhu’s system could be used for working with DNA micro tetra plates in an auto transfer system, taking away the need for media to be transferred by individual pipettes. If you don’t know what this means, neither do we. It just sounds cool.

industry and has brought the two developments to the forefront of business.

Van den Berg has applied for a patent for the blood meal plastics and Zhu developed her processing for her work with Industrial Research Limited.

Zhu’s work came from being a technician in the antibiotic industry and saw the need for streamlining the processes she worked with.

“It’s like if you work in a beer factory, instead of making up a whole flask to try a new formula, you can make a whole range of samples in a much smaller time,” says Zhu’s Masters supervisor Janis Swan.

Van den Berg’s blood meal plastic is made from wasted bovine blood meal and is biodegradable.

“It’s going to be used for pot plants, you can just plant them straight in the ground,” she says.

complicated and it is something that has been worked on for a number of years.

“Basically you add stuff to the blood meal which changes its chemical properties,” she says.

Both students have worked extremely hard on their projects which has drawn them praise and kept them busy over the last year. “[Zhu] was brilliant in terms of her dedication to her work, we need more students like that,” praises Swan.

First prize in the competition came from a PhD student who was working with biomedical technology.

Lisa van den Berg has also won the Dick and Mary Earl scholarship during her studies.

Entrants into the poster competition first have to submit an abstract of their work and then entrants are chosen to present their work in a poster form. The winners are chosen from there.

Van den Berg’s admitted the process of her work can be quite

Carbon Dating unlocks aboriginal past Creationists continue to insist that world is 5000 years old to mass yawning

By Andrew Neal

Unlocking the past is nothing new for Waikato University’s carbon dating laboratory but recent dating of charcoal from aboriginal sites from Australia has revealed some specimens as old as 35 000 years old – and there is more to go.

The Waikato University Carbon Dating lab was approached by archaeology group Australian Cultural Heritage Management in January to carbon date charcoal specimens found in a cave in Australia.

“The youngest sample was around 3000 years and the oldest around 35, 000, which was on the bottom layer,” says lab Deputy Director, Dr Fiona Petchey.

There are still samples from further down in the site that the lab has received that may be even older.

The samples are significant because the charcoal in the cave gives evidence of fire in the cave, which suggests human activity.

The process of carbon dating the charcoal can take quite a long time but the samples should be completely dated by June.

The carbon dating lab at Waikato University was also instrumental in a number of other projects including the Southern Hemisphere’s calibration curve which is a time line for carbon dating and dating marine samples in the South Pacific Ocean.

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News issue 09

Job scam targets Chinese grads at Unitec Rearrange this headline to form an amusing sentence

By Lucy Smith reporting by Rory MacKinnon

Unitec’s Career & Employment Centre are warning international students to be on their guard following reports that an employment scam has been targeting Chinese students on the Mt Albert campus.

to come to an interview. I was so happy because it was $25 an hour, it was marketing-related, and I thought it would be good for my career development.”

The scam is operated by Graduate House, a recruitment company that promises Chinese graduates their dream job – only to charge them $12,000 for it. The company operates by offering $10,000 “training

The part-time job was to obtain the contact details of Chinese graduates who had yet to gain permanent residency status. Chu was given brochures to distribute in Chinese restaurants at the Mount Albert

grants” to any employer willing to take on an international graduate for work experience, while advertising jobs to students with salaries of $30,000-plus. The company has been canvassing the campus with unauthorised flyers and placed a listing at Unitec’s Career & Employment Centre, although staff say it has now been removed.

shops and placed recruitment advertisements on the Unitec career and employment website. Within a day, he had received more than 30 emails and several phone calls.

Bachelor of Business graduate Andy Chu says he first learnt of the company through an advertisement on a message board at Unitec for marketing staff, promising $25 an hour. “I rang them, and they said

4 month student gym m’ship only

$155 membership includes exercise consultations

10

www.reccentre.co.nz

activate don’t hibernate!

Alarm bells began to ring when he told a friend the name of his new employer: “My friend had heard something bad about the business, that it was doing something dodgy. I thought he was jealous, but I was still a little anxious.” Chu ran a Google search for the company and discovered a Sunday Star Times article from November reporting that the company was offering money for jobs. The article also reported that the director of the company operating Graduate House is blacklisted by the Chinese Ministry of Commerce, while Sunday News has since revealed that Graduate House’s assistant manager Michael Knight served eighteen months for fraud and deception in 2005.

The brochures contain advertisements for positions such as a website developer and programmer with a salary of $41,000 and an administration assistant for $37,000. Chu describes these advertised jobs as “bait”, with no closing date, and no expiry date for the brochures.

The brochure promises – in Mandarin – to “make your dream come true” and find the “most satisfying work for you for a reasonable cost.” Candidates do not pay any fees until they have been placed in a position, after which the cost is $12,000, according to Chu. “They want work and permanent residency so it’s worth it to them.”

Complaints were lodged with NZ Immigration and the Department of Labour following the Sunday Star Times’ report in November, however Graduate House has yet to be prosecuted. Graduate House did not respond to requests for more information, however Career & Employment Centre co-ordinator Yolanda Van Den Bemd says international students should always “do their research” on potential employers.

“If possible, do an informational interview with someone who works there – ask questions about the work, the field or sector and the organisation.”

May 19 2008

Fresh from a sell out season at the New Zealand International Arts Festival, Indian Ink Theatre Company, have announced the North Island tour of their latest play The Dentist’s Chair due to start in Hamilton on Hamilton May 20-24 at St. Clarence St. Theatre.

The Dentist’s Chair is the fourth production by the multiple award-winning company.

A dentist invented the electric chair and this was an idea that was expanded on by Lewis and his co-writer Jacob Rajan.

“In the process of straightening out her teeth will Albert straighten out his life?” asks Indian Ink’s website, a tad rhetorically.

The story follows a reclusive dentist in modern day New Zealand being haunted by the ghosts of those killed in the electric chair because of a name mix-up.

Mia Blake from New Zealand films No 2 and The Tatooist has taken the leap from the silver screen to the dental waiting room and is playing Ruth, a strange girl with bad teeth.

Provoked by the notion that ‘life makes cowards of us all’ The Dentist’s Chair is set in that most terrifying of locations – the dentist’s chair.

Lewis is hopeful for the upcoming tour and playing to Hamilton audiences.

She will perform alongside husband and wife Carl Bland and Peta Rutter (both 2007 Chapman Tripp Award Winners) who play… husband and wife Albert and Judy. Mia, Carl and Peta are joined by Gareth Williams as the menacing Kemmler with lanky limbs and a haunting singing voice. Fresh out of drama school this is Gareth’s first major professional outing and he took the festival audience by storm. The Dentist’s Chair features a live band of Jazz musicians on stage also.

“We were wanting to do a piece about fear and ghosts, we were looking for a setting and we came across the idea of the dentist,” says co-writer and director Justin Lewis.

“But it’s not the dentist we should be afraid of,” he adds spookily.

“We have played really good houses in Hamilton and had some really good responses from people talking to us about the show,” he says.

There is a love story in there too after the protagonist does dentistry work on a young woman.

“It’s like a darker version of ‘O’Brother Where Art Thou,” claims Lewis.

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News issue 09

‘The swimmer’s treadmill’ is how two endless pools, opened last Tuesday at the University of Waikato Gymnasium have been described.

The heated pools can also be turned off and their depth allows for aqua therapy and other rehabilitative exercise.

The static position of the swimmer allows easier access for coaches to give instruction to a swimmer training in the pool.

Measuring just 8’ x 15’, and one to one point eight metres deep the Endless Pools are designed to give the work out of an Olympic sized pool in a much smaller space.

At the opening of the pools a bright red ribbon was cut across the door to the pool area to officially mark the use of the pools to the public.

The construction of the pools cost around $35 000 and are part of only eight pools like it in New Zealand.

The pools work on a propulsion system that resembles the back end of a jet boat propelling the swimmer back and giving a force to swim against.

Hillary Scholar Nikki Cox was one of the first to test out the pools along with finance lecturer Ed Vos. She noted the benfits of the pool straight away.

“They were suitable for anyone from a learnto-swim level to Olympic level” says ULeisure general manager Mark Ingle.

“They’re great for technique work,” she said.

The official opening was attended by students, academic staff, UniRec and Uleisure staff alike.

They were paid for by ULeisure, the charitable organisation based on campus at the University of Waikato.

The May 25 open day runs from 10am to 4pm, giving members of the public a chance to see – and try – the pools for themselves.

The pools will be available to the public seven days a week from May 26. Sessions, lasting 30 minutes, cost between $8 and $14 depending on membership and concession rates.

VAULT

By Grant Burns

June 1st 1978, Vol. 11, N.o.4

WSU strikes against its own members!

Citing a “lack of student support,” WSU and Cowshed workers went on strike on the last week of term one, Friday 28th April. President of the Waikato Students Union, Doug Drever, said, “I can’t represent students who don’t want to be represented”. He was frustrated about trying to make Waikato a more ‘alive’ campus with ‘dead’ students, and later uttered, “Bugger them all”.

A week after the strike occurred, a meeting was held with workers and sixty student volunteers. The meeting was a shambles with swearing, arguing and spitting from both parties. Afterward, the janitor threw out 6 empty carafes of wine.

However, this isn’t just Waikato’s problem alone. At Auckland University, since the AUSA became non-compulsory, student attendance and volunteers have plummeted by more than half their normal numbers.

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So what does it mean for a university when their own students don’t give a damn about student affairs or campus lifestyle? In 1971, Peter Fletcher wrote an article titled: Why such a slack campus? Subtitled: Waikato – New Zealand’s Yawniversity.

Major dilemmas are taking place. Students are complaining about being: overworked, doing irrelevant work for what’s in their exam, and some professors are setting assignments which are background work for their own research. The WSU is only just hanging in there, thanks to a few dedicated and hard working employees who work with very little funds.

A meeting has been called for Wednesday June 7, for students to come along and voice their concerns and suggestions. Without student input, the Waikato Student Union’s future does not look bright.

May 19 2008

East Hamilton Police Burglary Report 5th 12th May 2008 Last week 12 burglaries have occurred in the Hamilton East, their locations are indicated on the above map.

This time offenders are having to force or smash open windows and doors, to gain entry. It is pleasing to know that most people are locking up before they go out. If you do go out at night, it might be worthwhile leaving your lights on and perhaps a T.V. This might deter offenders as they might think someone is home.

Also, offenders are taking vehicles from the houses they burgle, please hide your car keys in a safe place so it doesn’t happen to you.

Security Advice: When you do go out, please hide everything away from the naked eye, so it can’t be seen from outside you house. Don’t give offenders a reason to break in!

Information on how to protect your home is available from the East Hamilton Community Policing Centre on Clyde St. If you have any information that might help Police with these burglaries please call the University Constable Nick Sickelmore Nicholas.

Sickelmore@police.govt.nz

UN says up to 2.5 million affected in Myanmar cyclone Junta still blocks aid “Just give us time,” they say “and all we’ll need is spades.

Edwards backs Obama’s White House bid Edwards backs Obama To win – it looks like Obama’s a shoe-in Bush quit golf out of respect to soldiers’ families President Dubya Quit golf? How about “end the war?”

What a charmer.

Police recapture inmate who used rope to escape Capture reaffirms old truth Give ‘em enough rope And they’ll hang themselves

13

Nexus was rather late But the Exec, decently, chose not to berate Close to the entire Exec was present In a marked break with precedent Vice President Olivia Is organising a trip to Tauranga To publish flyers about what WSU is doing And will be having an office warming.

There were no questions for Olivia But on that moment spoke up Moira “I’d just like to insert Mr Delaney at this moment, because he always gets left off the agenda.”* Yes he does, Nexus notes Which seems to warrant a new approach “It’s not because I’m small.”

(And he is. He’s five feet tall) Ben Delaney protested Looking only a little demented Ben is working on Noho marae, And, he added, with a sigh The Uni Games after party, which was “quite a success” (We get the impression he’d have settled for less) Trace came in ridiculously late David pontificated, with a look of hate

14

How campus can be utilised for Re-orientation And kicked off a round of mass debating The cost of the kitchen at Tauranga Was approached glibly by Olivia Covering the costs for soup, etcetera.

“They have plenty of tea, coffee, etc, but they do need more milk,”

Then came course evaluations Uni is only going through the motions The evaluations don’t even have to be looked at Nexus thinks it smells a rat At this point, one of Glen’s offspring arrived Bearing potato chips, which caused a divide Between those he favoured and offered a chip And those he did not – and out they did dip

She asked for $70, with a look of terror AJ did his bit (he looked a bit dead) Celebrating his billionth appearance in the pages of Busted Presented perspective on how “uni games thing went” Apparently transport made him disappointed.

“We had passion at the opening and closing ceremony” He said, appearing slightly phony Thank you AJ and well done, Moira said, waving a gun AJ got a round of clapping And came up with more that needs addressing A sausage sizzle? Really? No shit!

Ideas like that showcase WSU’s wit Then Nexus sat, rigid with fear, As the Exec sang “E Toru Nga Mea” They will sing it again at Noho Marae Go and see – they’ll make you cry

AJ talked about the uni games post-party Which, by all accounts, was rather hearty And there’s been a shift in the TEC The new chairman is the VC of Canterbury The WSU is trying to get MPs to appear With an election coming, they’ll show up, no fear David spoke of a garage sale The WSU needs to get rid of their white whale AJ spoke of semester’s end shindig He’s hoping it will be rather big Nexus edged towards the door, with skill and deft And, on that bombshell, Nexus left.

*Sadly, the Exec’s vocal contributions, which Nexus has preserved here for veracity, were not in rhyme

Txts to the Editor!

Nexus now has an all-new TXT-in service! Send Letters to the Editor - via text - to 021 235 8436. They can be about anything – but if it’s something in the magazine, so much the better. We’ll print the best ones, so get texting! There’s a prize for text of the week as well. We don’t know what it is yet, but it will be awesome.

Don’t forget forget: You can send Busted pictures in by pxt! Send us your best snaps of you or your mates in Busted-type situations to 021 235 8436. Do it.

Hamilton superheroes? Holy Hebrew Hammer, Batman!

Dear Nexus Me and my flatmate stopped guys trying to rob the liquor store by The Warehouse in Hillcrest and we’re awesome so we think you should tell everyone we’re awesome. But don’t use our real names, only our crime fighting names: The Hebrew Hammer (also known as the Fist of the Maccabees, because

I don’t think this person really loves the Government at all. IT’S A TRAP! To the beloved government, I have recently been looking for a new flat, the problem is i don’t have any money to pay bond as i was made redundant about a month ago. So i gathered up all relevant information and went to see if WINZ could give me some financial assistance. The receptionist redirected me to studylink as they don’t deal with students. So off i trot to studylink and explained my situation, about needed money for bond and a clothing grant so i could get a new job. They declined my application saying that i had to pay back the bond but i didn’t earn enough to do so and that the clothing grant is only awarded if you work 30 hours a week. How can i work 30 hours a week when i am a full time student plus how can i pay back the bond if i don’t have a job and to get a job

he’s hung like a moose) and Placenta Boy (also known as New Guinea Wonder Boy, on account of him being hung like a moose). So Nexus, please tell everyone we’re awesome and that they should talk to us when they see us in town. Or maybe just grope us as they walk past.

Only ladies though.

From the Hebrew Hammer and Placenta Boy

i need the clothing grant to purchase some clothes that are suitable for a job interview. I explained this to the studylink representative, and he said i should ring and ask if i don’t need a interview. What a retarded thing to say, interviews are to see if you are capable of carrying out the tasks required for the job.

On the other hand a friend of mine who is unemployed went into WINZ with just her ID and tenancy agreement and applied for a bond, clothing, and food grant, which was approved. So she sat on her arse with brand new clothing and free food. This happens regularly in the unemployed population, they don’t even try to get a job because everything just gets handed to them. The free money they get is like toilet paper, these bums just can’t get enough.

The other point i want to raise is that i have a 20 hour contact university schedule and for each hour at university i need to put in a hour of outside study, so that’s 40 hours per week.

I am one of the luckier students that gets an allowance of $187.65 after tax per week so if you divide that by 40 (hours of full time job of studying) i only get $4.70 per hour. Gee thanks government. As the allowance doesn’t cover all my bills i have to get a job which cuts into my study time and affects my grades. This defeats the purpose of studying if i have to work to live but are put in danger of failing a paper in my course. I have had enough of our bullshizer government that is happy to keep bums on their bums while students are left to fend for themselves. I feel like i am being prosecuted for wanting to get somewhere in life. So i have decided that when i graduate i’m going elsewhere, they can keep their bums. Fuck the government they are as useful as a turd that won’t leave my arse.

Love from your overworked, underpaid, malnourished average student

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $20 BOOK VOUCHER FROM BENNETTS WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP!

PH 07 856 6813

FAX 07 856 2255

ADDRESS Gate 5 Hillcrest Road

WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

EMAIL wku@bennetts.co.nz 15

Lust for example are unlikely to be the same as those of the 6th Century Catholics) neither the church or the bible is there to tell people exactly what they must do in any situation, a guideline is only a guideline.

Obviously enjoyed Philosophy 101 I realise I’m reading a (Free) Uni magazine, I am also aware that the information and opinions contained within isn’t exactly run though a rigerous examination for entry, still though; I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought last weeks “Rant of the Week� courtesy of Grant Burns was bad even by those loose standards. It’s basically a giant Strawman argument (ie Taking your opponents idea well past the point of it’s logical limits then attacking a now ridiculous statement). Hell I’m not even a Christian and definatly not a Catholic...

For starters at the end of the Day the Bible is Cannon. The 7 Deadly sins have never been (implicitly) part of the Bible and never will be, same with these New Ones. The Catholic Church is meant to guide, the 7 Deadly Sins are simply a guidepoint. They’re not exact and their meaning has changed with our changing world (Your definitions on

Furthermore it’s clearly stated what the aim of the “New Sins� are, they’re simply more guidepoints for living your life this time with a more specific focus on Social Resonance (Which while implied in the first 7 and the 10 Commandments is now clearly stated). They refer to Pushing/Dealing drugs as a Sin (With taking drugs mentioned), is this really suprising? Arguing about Coffe and V is a Strawman argument of the highest order, do people refer to Coffee salesmen as a “Drug pusher�? No? Then why the hell are you arguing it? The same deal with the second Strawman of “Drop a chip packet BURN IN HELL!�, when was the last time someone seriously refered to someone who littered in some small way as “Polluting the environment�?

So even assuming that you seriously do classify Coffee as a drug and you seriously do think that dropping a Chip packet is in the same category as dumping an Oil Tanker... There’s then the Strawman argument of “If you do this you got to HELL!�, which well. Again neither set of these sins are in the Bible. And well, the argument is completely retarded from any angle. Wrath is a Deadly sin, would you make the argument that getting Angry is the same as Murder? Both fall under wrath. What’s that? You

4/4!, 6)3)/. /04/-%42)343

Can she drive?

May has just arrived from China and her flat is too far from University to bike.

She can afford an old car, but wonders how to get a licence.

The University branch of Citizens Advice Bureau can give you information about this or other inquiries you might have. They have heaps of pamphlets and a huge data base to help answer anyone’s questions.

Visit them at the Cowshed from 1pm – 3pm daily during semesters or phone 838 4466 extn 6622 or 0800FORCAB. By the way May can drive on an overseas driver licence or international driving permit for 12 months after arriving in NZ. (The licence must be translated into accurate English) Before 12 months is up, she must convert it to a NZ licence. She will need a theory test and maybe a practical driving test as well. There is lots of information about licences and other things to do with driving and vehicles from the Land Transport NZ fact sheets which are on the website www.landtransport.govt.nz.

16

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5.)6%23)49 /& 7!)+!4/ 4OTAL 6ISION /PTOMETRISTS 'REY 3TREET (AMILTON %AST 0H &AX TOTALVISION VISIQUE CO NZ

have to use common sense to figure out what’s acceptable and what isn’t because the guidelines are guidelines not exact instructions to figuring out how to live your life? ASTOUNDING! The same is true for your V and Chip packet arguments.

Oh and, if you seriously think “the excessive accumulation of wealth by a few.” refers to someone winning Lotto rather than people with so much wealth they can’t even spend it all who yet do almost nothing for the actual wellbeing of the world/humanity then well, reread this letter slowly ‘cause it’s obviously been too hard for ya.

Not to mention of course the idea that “Do X and you’ll go to hell!” has no real place in Christianity (Guidelines are not hard and fast rules, regardless of TV Christian stereotypes)... The entire thing was just a stupid, misinformed, strawman rant.

Nexus: Publishing questionable content since the 60s Dear Nexus.

I have recently noticed a large increase in questionable material in your publication. I’m not writing to complain, rather to bring this to your attention in the case that it my be subconscious. If it is intentional, may I please take this offer to volunteer my services as a writer.

You see, my previous partner was a forty three year old Filipino dock worker named Track. During our years together he taught me many things, such as how to efficiently pack a vessel with double its recomended cargo limit, or how to tell when the harbourmaster was drinking each week in order to know the correct times to engage in love play.

-Nic Duncalf

It was during a ride next to him in the ambulance on the way to hospital, where he needed immediate treatment for an impacted colon, that I came up with a clever cover story to explain what happened without

Wow. Someone got a kick out of first-year philosophy classes. You’ll appreciate the irony, then, of the fact that calling all of Grant’s arguments “strawman” after altering them to suit your own argument is also a noteworthy use of the straw-man fallacy. You might appreciate this, for any future philosophical critiques of Rant of the Week: http:// en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies - Ed.

the harbourmaster realising the truth. As Track died from the feces in his bloodstream reaching his brain, he commended my creative spirit and made me promise I would utilise my talents for good instead of for overloading cargo ships and sending their crews to a watery grave.

Sincerely, Johnathan Hastings

Too much GTA4?

P.S. In case you were wondering, the story I made up was that while we were increasing productivity and not engaging in anal sex, Track fell thirteen stories from the cab of the loading crane and landed sphincterfirst onto the exhaust pipe of a logging truck. The harbourmaster never learned the truth for three years, until one fateful night when he died of simultaneous alcohol poisoning and an impacted colon after threatening to expose the story.

If this story is lame should I talk about the poo smell? or how about the scenic Uni lake? I know this letter will be riddled with grammatical errors/sentence fragments etc, but my opinion has to be voiced. My gripe is with the construction workers that populate the general Hamilton area, could they please leave their keys in their vehicles? Now I’m not talking about cars or work vans, this only relates to diggers, cranes, and cherry pickers. Now I know for a fact this will relieve you of the hassle of trying to find them every morning, and also supply drunken walker homers a cheap efficient ride home.

You’ll probably be thinking that we are untrustworthy, bullshit I can drive them better than any of you when I’m drunk. Apparently I can do anything better with alcohol in my system, forget what doctors tell you about impairing reaction time. I’ve done extensive studies and my results support my theory. I have been found when intoxicated to not only have super human strength, killer dance moves, ultimate fighting ability, persuasive bargaining power with bar staff, but also superior motor vehicle operating prowess.

Texts to the editor: This person reckons that his mum is better than outlook. She must suck, then Re: The person who reckons Gmail is way better than Outlook: Your mum is better than outlook Finance gives bad head Finance sucks big knob. Bad. Morons: hard to entertain, can’t read There needs to be more puzzles in ur magazine. We don’t need half a page of borin text. Im bored because of this. Kthanks

Review my plea and help potential Hamilton Rapist Victims out. This would be a faster safer method for me to take chicks home (rarely/never) while looking pretty cool, thus sealing the deal. Also I would gladly return the vehicle early the next morning with a new spit and polish, and a fair amount of petrol.

Celebration of homosexuality?

Oh my gosh, there are so many cracks. But the nicest one I saw last night

Your compliance will be greatly appreciated.

DC

We wonder who doen’t know this Official numbers. GTA IV made over $500 million in its 1st week. This makes it the biggest entertainment release ever! (Shaun the game store dude)

Varsity 85’s for life.

Insults: Insulting Talkin bout smoking p b4 writin 2 lettuce, does art smoke p b4 writin his rant – not a fan o p.

17

Lately, every conversation I’ve heard or overheard contains, “Man it’s so fuckin’ cold”, or, “I can’t believe how cold it is”. Well, for all you pessimists out there, let me remind you about the seasons. There are four of them: spring, summer, autumn and winter. It is warmer in spring and summer and cooler in autumn and winter. Recently, and perhaps thanks to old Global Warming, we have just been through a hotter-thanusual summer, and if you’re a local like me, a devastating drought. But, just as sure as your hair will grow back or mushrooms will pop up, the seasons will change. Coldness is inevitable, put a jacket on and get over it.

There is a medical disease known as SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, that some people get during winter. It is caused by the changing of the seasons and fewer daylight hours. SAD sufferers experience normal mental health during most of the year, but during winter they show symptoms of depression, such as: fatigue, cynicism, weight gain, social withdrawal, and dropping grades. However, SAD symptoms usually clear up when spring emerges and is much more common in Nordic countries, such as: Iceland, Greenland, Sweden, and also, United States of America, Scotland, and Ireland.

18

You yourself may be feeling like everything lately has become rather glum and negative. Too much study, too many assignments, work sucks, no sleep, and on top of it all, the weather’s been shit! However, I say relax, enjoy the brisk morning fog and occasional frost, and thank your lucky stars you don’t live in Iceland, where during their winter, the average highest temperature is 0.9C and the lowest is -5.5C! Try to embrace the winter spirit and make fun of the season. Dare your mate to go skinny dipping in the neighbour’s pool, drink more Russian Vodka, or pick through a bark garden. Before you complain that your car heater isn’t warm enough, think of the poor bastards like me who ride motorcycles, or, the brave souls who have lost their licences and have to bike.

Personally I am relieved to have a little chill in the air and water on the paddocks; sympathy for the hard working farming community. Anyway, if it was warm and sunny all year round, chances are people will be complaining that, “It hasn’t rained in weeks”, and, “It’s so fuckin’ hot!”

So take that cold expression off your face and just remember, autumns here and winter’s on the way, and just like US troops in Iraq, they’re going to be there a while, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

It’s no secret that it’s getting harder to live these days. Newspapers are filled with how “working families” are feeling the pinch. Well, those working families have nothing on students. We’re* forced to get by on either $150 or $180-ish dollars a week, depending on whether our parents are dirt-poor or merely unable to support us as well as themselves, and get part-time jobs to pay for the inevitable shortfall. We have to live in flats with Antarctic temperatures and pay through the ring for heating.

We have to eat, while still managing to find beer money somehow.

So, we’ll have a quick Google and see if we can’t pin down why we’re feeling this squeeze. Then we’ll have a look at some common-sense solutions to student budgeting woes. Finally; recipes!

In A Nutshell, or: The Guy Who Failed Seventh Form Economics Horribly Presents A Breakdown On The Economy People are finding it harder than normal because of a mix of factors. It’s prompted by a number of far-away things like the collapse of international speculative investments, and a thing called the “sub-prime crisis” in America which has to do with many people defaulting on absurd mortgages, and the shark tactics of the loan companies backfiring in a big way. There is, of course, the high cost of gas – which stems from a combination of high demand in China, India, and developing nations, and an increasing lack on the supply front. Oh, and that nasty war in Iraq. Then there’s the fact that corn food resources are being diverted from the mouths of cattle and people and being put into petrol tanks in the form of ethanol. Rice-producing nations are clamping down hard on exports, selfishly

insisting on feeding their own populations over the hungry West. In New Zealand, all this tends to drive up the price of food and petrol.

Now, according to former student journalist and current Real Journalist, Keith Ng, now blogging at publicadress.net, the good news is that Kiwi incomes (those “working families” you hear about) have basically kept pace with the increase in food prices.

“Mortgage costs, on the other hand, has risen from 24.7% of after-tax income in 2004 to 29.8% in 2008,” Keith says.

So, shit luck if you’re paying off a house. But, as a student, you’re probably not. That would be good, if our income figures hadn’t remained the same for the last six years. I don’t have the official figures for student incomes, but, luckily, I don’t need them. The $150 “living costs” loan the government expects you to get by on hasn’t gone up in years. So, as far as rising costs go, the story only gets worse for students.

*By “we” I mean “you,” because I’m not a student and I have a full time job doing this editing caper, but I have enough debt I have to pay off that it’s still like being a student.

19

We’ll look at this problem in-depth in an upcoming issue. But, for now, here are some tips to get you by between now and when the Government starts giving students enough money to eat.

I’m probably one of the worst people I know for budgeting, so I’ll offer up only the sort of tips I think people will actually follow.

Easy tips for scrimping and saving: Power • Keep showers short.

• As my flatmate continually bitches at me; turn out the bloody lights. A word on this. Lights (especially the power-saving fluorescents) actually use up far less power than most people think, but having all of them blazing 24/7 does make a difference. Worse offenders by far are household appliances. A TV, computer or gaming console left on rapes the electricity. Use sleep modes wherever possible. Tess: Stop turning the PS3 and oven off at the wall, would you? It saves shit-all electricity and it sucks waiting like an idiot for the egg to cook until you realise the oven’s been switched off.

• Forget about heaters. They chew through electricity like nobody’s business, especially those bastard fan heaters. If you have a fire, use it. Keep an eye in local newspaper classifieds for free or cheap firewood – there are usually a few. The planet won’t thank you, but being warm is more important, right?

Then there are other options. Gas heaters are pricey and need watching (or they can explode,) but they’re cheaper by far, in the long run, than electric ones. There’s always 20 20

the dressing gown and slippers option. On the “probably too expensive but still a good idea” front are heat pumps and insulation. Hamilton homes older than 30 years (like most flats,) were apparently designed by evil masochistic bastards who laboured under the delusion they were building for a tropical climate. As a result, flats too often face due south and have as much insulation as a Mexican Hairless. If you can somehow afford it, get insulation (there are local body grants available for this, if you fit the criteria.) Double glazing and lots of Pink Batts would probably more than halve a year’s electricity bill.

• Finally, if you must use an electronic heater, and most people do, stick it on a timer – buy at any hardware store – to turn on just as you go to bed and before you wake up. This allows you to sleep and wake up in a warm room and save on power.

Food • When buying food, avoid name brands like the devil. You’ll almost always end up spending an extra dollar or so for fancy packaging and a meaningless word like “Anchor.”

• Buy bulk – but only if it’s food that won’t spoil. Meat you can freeze, assuming you have a freezer. Sugar doesn’t go off, and neither does honey. Rice will store for ages in a Tupperware or similar. Potatoes, on the other hand, might be better to get in smaller batches, because they sprout and go green.

Eating green potatoes is bad.

• Be like back in Fourth Form and take a packed lunch to work. This can save an easy $100 a week – if you’re a total takeaway

whore, like me. The only thing I’ve found that works to get me out of the takeaway habit is getting out a set amount of cash on payday and leaving my cashflow card at home.

• Keep a vege garden, or in the advent of this being impossibly impractical, a wee herb plantation on the windowsill. No, not that kind. Spuds will grow pretty much anywhere and require practically no input – you can stick some old ones in a dug-up bit of lawn and they’ll thrive.

• Chip in with flatties for communal stuff like flour and sugar. If you’ve got a particularly amenable flat, chip in/share cooking for all meals. This saves ridiculous amounts of money.

I once managed to get by with total living costs of $110 a week – food, rent, phone, power.

The downside was I had to live with Christian Vegan Hippies who hated me for my meateating, godless ways. I put up with it for a surprisingly long time, before being kicked out for making beef-flavoured two-minute noodles in a special vegan pot.

• Brew your own beer. This is both interesting and fun, especially when tasting time rolls around. Coopers and Macs both make easyto-set-up brewery kits that take a lot of the hassle out.

Transport • Get a bike and use it for getting around town whenever it’s not wet or sub-zero degrees. This will keep you fit, help the environment and save you insane amounts of money.

Supermarkets=super prices?

We’re spoiled for choice when it comes to supermarkets. So we thought we’d see which one the budget-conscious student ought to shop at. To decide, we checked out several supermarkets, and tallied up the prices for a list of key items. We’re being very general here, so if you’re a vegetarian, just ignore the mince. If you’re a vegan… you’re a vegan. Sucks to be you. Prices are unscientific and unverified by stores. We just went in and picked what we thought was the cheapest stuff.

Stretching the food budget

By Phoebe Meryl Feeling hungry? For those of us who like to eat, there’s been a surreptitious increase in just how much that eating drains the meagre budget. In the case of certain items, like butter, it’s been less surreptitious (at least petrol takes years rather than hours to double in price).

Here are a couple of basic ways to deal with this.

1.Stop eating. This approach has excellent success with the money-saving side of things, but tends to make people all woozy and dead.

Food

Pak’n Save

New World

Countdown

Bread (loaf) Milk (2L) Butter(1kg) Flour (1kg) Mince (1kg) Cheese (1kg) Pasta (Spaghetti packet) 2 Minute Noodles Baked beans Rice (1kg) Weet-bix (big packet of real Weet-bix) Honey Potatoes (1kg) Eggs (1doz)

$1.09 $3.07 $3.49 $1.27 $9.02 $10.29 $.93 $1.29 $.99 $1.79 $4.99 $2.85 $.89 $ 3.09

$1.09 $3.55 $2.99 $2.09 $9.99 $9.99 $0.99 $1.69 $1.29 $1.89 $3.89 $2.29 $7.99 $2.59

$1.09 $3.07 $3.59 $1.89 $6.99 $9.99 $.99 $2.10 $.55 $1.22 $4.89 $2.89 $1.99 $3.29

TOTAL

$45.05

$52.32

$44.54

2.Stop expending calories. Give up anything that takes energy (walking, sex, writing) and lie motionless on the couch watching stomachnumbing TV. Possibly a more constructive approach is to examine what you eat and where you get it from. You actually can live on not too much, but it does take a small effort when you’re used to getting certain packaged items regularly. You’ve heard it before, but..

• Preferably, grow some food wherever you can. Go the silverbeet in the border!

• Go to Bin Inn and Pak’n’Save to buy basics, and that vege shop opposite the Uni, and the New Save supermarket in town. (Actually, they may well both be called New Save but I’m not sure. I should get more observant.)

• Buy bulk essentials to start with, then add to them with cheap veges and protein.

• Make the most of any free fruit you and your friends have (ie, no need to buy orange juice if there’re a pile of oranges on the tree) • Take food to uni for lunch (leftovers, sandwiches, soup). If it makes your lunches more exciting, buy something nice to add to sandwiches like avocado, sundried tomato,

“Here are a couple of basic ways to deal with this. One: Stop eating. This approach has excellent success with the money-saving side of things, but tends to make people all woozy and dead.”

21

etc, as it’ll probably still work out cheaper than having three overpriced café lunches.

• In fact, take food everywhere. Personally, I’m hungry a lot. Having stuff like nuts and raisins and baking and fruit handy will totally save on impulse buying.

• Make some of the recipes below and lug em around in your backpack.

Cheapish but nice recipes Homemade bread I sort of make this by guessing so don’t know exact amounts but you get used to judging the texture. Make a big batch, and freeze it. It’s really not very hard to make, and suits either an angry mood (you tell that bread what for!) or a chilled out one (domestic god/goddess).

Making the dough: Get about 750ml of water hand-hot (not too hot, but nice and warm) and dissolve a tablespoon of sugar in it. Chuck a tablespoon of granulated yeast in it and wait a while till it gets sorta foamy and bubbly. While it’s doing that, get a load of white flour and brown flour if you like it (maybe 4 or 5 cups of each?), a teaspoon of salt, and mix em up good. Then make a well in the middle of the flour, put the yeasty mixture it and a good gloop of oil. Mix everything up till it’s a nice kneadable texture (just add more warm water or flour as needed).

Then knead it for a while, which is nice and domestic, then put it somewhere warm to rise for ages (3+ hours, or overnight. Punch

Alison’s leek and potato soup it down in the middle if you want). Voila, you

This is fantastic, delicious comfort food, even

now have dough. You can make: • Fried bread – pummel some bread all flat, let it rest for 15 minutes, then fry in a bit of oil.

Real good..

• Loaves – make dough loaf shaped, put in bread tins (try op shops if you have none, or just go rustic and put it on a tray with some herbs and stuff). Bake at a low-moderate temp until the loaf sounds hollow.

• Fruit bread/buns – add raisins/currants/ apricots/nuts to the dough and shape to suit.

• Fruitier curly bun things – roll the dough out thin, chuck margarine, sprinkle sugar, cinnamon, raisins, sultanas, grated apple, chai syrup…mmm. Then roll it up and chop into sections for spiral buns. Bake and eat.

• Bread rolls – get creative with plaits and knot-shaped rolls, or dodgy depictions of…whatever, if preferred.

if that stock is possibly full of evil MSG (look out for the number 621. It’s everywhere, I tell you!). Anyway, the soup…I always used to request it if I was sick. Look out for cheap leeks and potatoes to get it in the cheapo category.

Coconut cream can be pretty cheap too.

Oaty biscuits Bought biscuits are often a bit of a rip off. This recipe isn’t super cheap, but it will be cheaper than buying a giant cookie every day, and healthier.

Melt 1/2 cup butter, 1/4 cup sugar, 1 tbls peanut butter, cup of raisins/sultanas/apricots. When melted add 1 cup wholemeal flour, 1 cup oats, 2 tsp baking powder, cinnamon, 1 egg. Mix together, bake till done. Good and filling.

Ingredients: 50g butter: 2 lge or 4 sm.l eeks: 500g potato peeled and diced or grated: 2c water: 2 tsp. Maggi chicken stock powder: 2 tsp. Maggi green herb stock powder: 1/2c milk, 1/2c cream or a 165ml can of coconut cream instead of both the milk and cream.

Slice leeks 5mm thick and cook in the butter for 5 mins. with a lid on pan. Check to see they are not browning. Add cubed spud, water and inst. stck and cook till tender. Do not overcook.

Puree or mash then add cream and season to taste. When leeks are expensive you can ‘extend’ the soup by adding a chopped onion, an extra spud and a bit extra water.

General stir fry Cook some rice in water (brown, jasmine, white, basmati, whatever).

Fry onion, garlic, various veg. Add meat or tofu if you like em or chuck a poached egg on top afterwards. Chuck in soy sauce, balsamic vinegar if you have it or whatever sauce you like. Everyone can do this, and it’s good for using up old fridge gunk.

“Working families have nothing on students. We’re* forced to get by on either $150 or $180-ish dollars a week, depending on whether our parents are dirt-poor or merely unable to support us as well as themselves, and get part-time jobs to pay for the inevitable shortfall”

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SPORTS THOUGHTS

a limited lifespan in the game. Sure they play for about ten years, but then it’s not as though their employment opportunities just dry up. There aren’t too many ex-All Blacks queuing for the dole.

Nick Evans gone, Dan Carter, Jerry Collins and Joe Rokocoko likely to follow, Richie McCaw keeping his options open.

Is anyone else a little bit concerned that all of a sudden the ‘player drain’ to Europe is starting to rob us of first-string All Blacks in the prime of their careers?Gone are the days it seems when only washed-up hasbeens over the age of 30 and provincial journeymen with no chance of becoming an All Black went overseas.

The fact is our very best rugby players are getting greedier and the All Black jersey is becoming less and less of a reason to stay.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge our top players from taking the money – if I were in their shoes I would do exactly the same thing. I just wish they would be a little more honest about their motives.

The standard line seems to be, “I had to secure a future for my family.”

What a load of bullshit. They couldn’t make ends meet on $200,000 a year plus endorsements? Don’t try and tell me rugby players only have

Blair Munro knows where you live. Should you be worried?

(Answer: Yes) It’s time to add another thing to the list of stuff that pisses me off. I’m talking about Steven Seagal. That Aikido-knowing, ponytail-wearing, gun-firing sell-out has gone unanswered for far too long. Yeah, I said it, he is a sell-out. I work at a video store, and the job provides me with insight, into things like your middle names, and the fact that Steven Seagal is a sell-out.

At the store where I work, there are quite a few of his movies that get rented out, which seems innocent enough, but looking at the titles for some of his movies, I’m finally on to his evil ways. Almost every single movie title is a combination of generic

If you would rather take the money than be a great All Black, then take the money, but don’t turn around and spew me a heap of bullshit about how much the jersey means to you.

If it meant as much to them as it did to the legends of previous generations of All Blacks they would be willing to make financial sacrifice in the name of the team. When rugby was an amateur game the All Blacks took time off work, without compensation, to play, receiving only a daily spending allowance.

Fact is, this is what made the All Blacks so universally admired in the first place.

New Zealanders don’t tend admire people in positions of privilege or power and the All Blacks were the everyman, farmers, lawyers, teachers as likely to be from a little town like Te Kuiti or Masterton as from Auckland or Christchurch.

Nowadays the All Blacks are more concerned with a nicer car, a bigger house and avoiding the horrible stresses and pressures that come with having to try and win a World Cup, than they are about any legacy.

And people wonder why rugby is losing its place in New Zealand society?

action-sounding words, with the occasional preposition thrown in. Attack Force; Mercenary for Justice; Urban Justice; Under Siege; Today You Die; Hard to Kill; Marked for Death, etcetera.

How generic can you get? I’d almost bet that the script writer for those movies just put a bunch of words into a hat. “Attack Death Justice Force 2: Kill Time Part 3 (Mercenary for Die Siege Die Volume 5 [The Exploding Aggressor]). Sounds good. Not too long?” God forbid Steven Seagal tries to make a crossword or something. “7 down: Not a nail, but…”

Hint: “a tack – Get it? Attack!” Fuck off.

Almost every movie with Steven Seagal in the lead role has him posing on the cover with guns. One gun, two guns, dual-wielding, being accurate, using the sights, rifles, pistols, submachine guns, it doesn’t matter. Guns,

guns, guns, the guy is a 7th-dan black belt in Aikido, for fuck’s sake, KICK SOMEBODY! And people wonder why I’m so crazy. It’s shit like this that pushes me over the edge. Steven Seagal is the action movie genre equivalent of Mills & Boon novels. In fact, his best movie would have to be Executive Decision, because he falls out of a plane and dies in the first ten minutes!

Right, now that I have that out of the way, I can discuss a more pressing matter. Things that should match, but don’t. Why is it that a washing machine can hold 7 kg of clothing, but a drier can only hold 5.5 kg? Why does that bread run out long before the butter? And why the fuck can’t Steven Seagal make a movie that I’d actually want to watch?

The damned sell-out.

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Prez Sez

By Moira Neho If you haven’t heard it’s an election year and the good people at the electoral office want to make sure that we are all registered to enrol.

The little orange man is back in action and someone even taught him to ride a unicycle

Halls or somewhere on this side of the river, then you fall into the Hamilton East electorate and can vote for David Bennett (National) or Sue Moroney (Labour) just to name the candidates from the big boy parties. We will

(check out some of the brochures). Over the next few weeks I will be reminding you to get your election registration sorted out with some handy tips and information.

try to spotlight all the candidates some time in B semester and let you get to know your local politicians a little bit better. I’m sure they’ll look forward to getting to know all of you, I hear it can be a lonely job.

While Uni is in semester most of you live in or around Hamilton - but once classes are over many of you head home for summer, which is where many of you tell me you get confused.

Do you vote in the area where you live during uni, or do you vote for your home electorate.

I called the electoral office to get some information... I don’t recommend it, unless you have a lot of patience and are willing to repeat your very simple question at least 3 times.

Hei aha, here it is. If you have lived at the same address for a month or longer then you can enrol in that electorate and vote for the people in that area. So, if you moved into the

Dear Chinese Students, The WSU recognises that this could be a stressful time for many of you who may have been affected by the recent earthquake in China. If you need any support at this time please come and see us we are here to help.

Love, the WSU

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While the 0800 number wasn’t that helpful, the website was (www.elections.org.nz) was.

According to the statistics provided there are just over 51,000* eligible voters in the Hamilton East electorate. The mature voters have got it sorted. Almost all of them are enrolled and ready to vote. It’s you 18-29 year olds who need to get it together. Only 57% of 18-24 year olds are enrolled, while the 25-29 year olds are doing marginally better with 76% enrolled. Why bother enrolling? Because the best way to have your say in how this gorgeous country is being run is to vote in the party who

you think is going to make the best decisions for all of us. Remember, if you don’t vote, you can’t complain! *General and Maori rolls combined Exciting and on campus: Endless pools open at the rec centre! As Chairperson of the U Leisure Board of Directors I was given the honour of cutting the ribbon at the opening ceremony of this new addition to the rec centre. These pools are about 4 meters long and created in such a way that you swim against a current of circulating water without ever moving – which is why they’re called endless pools! Nikki Cox (recipient of Hilary Scholar and Prime Minister’s scholarship) and the infamous Ed Vos were the official swimmers and even though I was strangely disturbed to see Ed in his speedos it was completely fascinating to watch them both demonstrate the benefits of these amazing pools. You need to be a member of the Rec centre to use these so head down there and check it out!

-

KINGITANGA

WAKA WEEK 2008 19 - 23 MAY Kīngitanga 150 Years Waka Week is an annual celebration of the descendants of a particular waka, iwi or hapū. Waka Week 2008 celebrates Kīngitanga, in recognition of 150 years of the movement. Throughout the week the University of Waikato Library will showcase resources pertaining to Kīngitanga, culminating in a morning of presentations about the origins, history, and future of the movement.

“Kotahi te kōwhao o te ngīra e kuhuna ai te miro mā, te miro pango, te miro whero.”

“There is but one eye of a needle, through which white, black and red cotton are threaded.”

Kīngi Pōtatau (1858)

Oral Presentations - Thursday 22 May Kaikōrero Tame Pokaia Rahui Papa Tom Roa

Wintec Lecturer, Office of Kīngi Tuheitia, Deputy Chair Te Arataura, Project Manager 150th Celebrations Committee Chairman of Te Kauhanganui o Waikato Inc

Āwhea Thursday, 22 May Te Wā 8:30am - 1.00pm Kei Whea Te Wharepukapuka o Te Whare Wānanga o Waikato Ko wai All welcome The day will begin with a Whakatau, light refreshments will follow the presentations, for catering purposes please RSVP Hinerangi Kara by the 19th of May, hinek@waikato.ac.nz. For more information about Waka Week visit our webpage - http://www.waikato.ac.nz/library/waka_week2008.shtml

Image by Jaime Walsh - jnwalsh@waikato.ac.nz

Proudly Sponsored by: Whanau Pūtahi o Te Wharepukapuka o Te Whare Wānanga oWaikato - The University of Waikato Library

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This year has been busy as we find ourselves as directors planning the end of the semester celebration, going to several thousand meetings, with topics ranging from governance through to sports, plagiarism, advocacy and for me all things Maori. In our spare time arranging to help take 110 people to Rotorua and visiting the Halls as part of MASH (Male Advocates for Sexual Health). When we could breathe, some of us were able to attend a well organized post party for uni games for The Tribe and whilst on the dance floor inevitably throwing out a robot or two I thought about Te Wiki o Te Reo Maori…

Clark Kent use to emerge from a phone booth as Superman, but where on University would he be able to find one? The WSU, of course, and you can also use the phone booth to make a five minute local call for free. If a man emerges from the phone booth with his underwear on the outside of his clothing, don’t panic it’s probably just the WSU version of Superman…AJ On a more serious note, the WSU Sole Parent/Caregiver Award is up for grabs in B semester but you need to pull a finger and put in for it now as nominations close early August.

Question: What shall we as students do to celebrate Te Wiki o Te Reo Maori?

Please send your ideas to vpmaori@wsu.org.nz

The award is intended to encourage and celebrate the efforts, achievements and contributions of adult learners who are also sole Parents/Caregivers. There are two awards of $1000 each and you may apply yourself or be nominated by a fellow student or staff member.

More information can be found on the University website.

NO DIET DAY FASHION SHOW

By Jo Bisset

Attention Ladies!

To celebrate No Diet Day, the WSU is hosting a fashion show on Wednesday the 28th May during Cultural Hour. The purpose of the event is to show that we don’t have to be a certain size to look beautiful and that we shouldn’t feel pressured to diet to lose weight. Why reduce yourself? This is going to be a fun day where we can celebrate natural body diversity, while appreciating a healthy lifestyle.

Local stores Lippy/Wildpair, Max, The White Room, Spot-X/ Cheapskates and Shine have come onboard and will be presenting their new season’s range at the show. These outfits will be modelled by six gorgeous girls who represent the range of sizes available at these stores, proving that the runway is not just for size zero models. There

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will also be goodie bags for the first 100 people at the event, containing vouchers, goodies and informative brochures.

Quick weight-loss diets don’t work and we should be questioning the reasons for dieting in the first place. Weight obsessions can be very damaging, both physically and emotionally. This will be a great day to recognise that we can be beautiful, no matter what our size and to challenge the negative societal pressures and expectations on our bodies.

So take some time out to come along and have a glass of wine and something to eat while viewing local stores’ latest collections, whilst reminding ourselves that we are awesome!

So last week good old Helen Clark decided it was a better idea to be popular during the election year by temporarily scraping plans to put a 10 cents per/litre tax on Auckland’s already high petrol prices as well as not

with a cheap supply of petrol for so long that today we seem to see it as a basic human right and we don’t like it when it rises in price.

This is a tricky subject for environmentalists because car emissions are such a huge

methods such as scooters, motorbikes, hydro cars, public transport etc, they could enforce carpooling lanes in every city, they could upgrade the public transportation systems (they have started on this by buying back the

implementing the fuel emissions tax scheme.

Aunty Helen said that she decided not to go ahead with the proposed taxes due to rising living costs the hardship families are currently experiencing; fair enough, but others would say she is putting her popularity ahead of saving the planet. Most governments see that raising the tax on petrol will force everyone out of their cars (in my case off my scooter).

For most of us our awareness of oil begins and ends at the petrol pump. We have lived

problem for climate change (as well as many other problems) however our society has become so engraved with the use of cars for our personal transportation needs that we can’t simply tell society that they can’t use them. Governments can’t say ‘stop taking your cars to work’ as most people cannot survive without them. However, I believe there are better ways of managing the problem than raising the price of petrol every week.

Governments could encourage people to use environmentally friendly transportation

trains and ferries), they could offer some sort of subsidy to people who want to buy hydro cars or environmentally friendly transport; the list goes on. I think as a society we need to start thinking outside the square and realise that oil will run out one day and we should start thinking of ways to either make this oil last longer through the use of vehicles that use less petrol or start supporting and raising awareness of transportation that doesn’t need oil to run. There are so many problems in the world it’s hard to know where to start!

The Tribe’s Uni-Games Post Party at BAR101

By AJ On Thursday the 8th of May, BAR101 was host to the mighty Tribe’s Post Party. The owner of 101 said ‘it was the biggest night we’ve had by far…we were re-stocking the fridge till 5.30am…we sold a whole pallet!’ Tribe members were allowed to bring someone along for the night of their life for a small fee at the door, which went towards the fund for the Uni-Games next year.

After mingling and downing a few cheap-ass vessels I held a cheeky presentation extending thanks to everyone that helped out with UniGames and a celebration of the trip to Rotorua for the 2008 games. This celebration included prize draws for the medal winners where Arias took away the $50 bar-tab and the Waka-Ama and Hockey (men) teams taking the other two tabs. However, more importantly an Oscar-style awards ceremony took place which included such accolades as the Tribe’s smelliest female/ male (Odette and Scotty), most valuable tribe member (Kate), the drunkest member (Hugh),

and the best story from Rotorua (Hannah).

Fraser and Will won the most disgusting Tribe members and received baby bibs for their efforts. On that note, I heard a rumour of a ‘fireman’ occurring in the night’s events and furthermore Scotty had to transfer over the road to Subway earlier than he would have liked to due to unforeseen liquid output.

Rugby – Varsity (W.U.R.F.C) Premiers

lost to Hinuera

20-22

B’s

won against Hinuera

20-12

1st win

Under 85’s won against Te Awamutu 19-3

undefeated

Soccer – Unicol AFC Mens

BAR101 put on free pizza and fries for the Tribe and further consumption was enjoyed including mass d’floor raging with everyone getting amongst it. Full capacity was reached with ease and BAR101 even had a substantial line for over an hour after midnight. The Post Party and the night itself were huge successes and countless individuals were destroyed for the entire weekend because of the magnitude of the occasion.

1sts

won against Melville A

4-0

2nds

lost to Claudelands C

2-3

D1

won against Cambridge D1

1-0

D2

lost to Claudelands D2

0-4

B1

won against Tokoroa

4-0

B2

lost to Eastern Suburbs

1-5

1st win

Womens

Hockey Results will be included next week plus the standings of each of our teams in each sport. Keep it up troops!

Epic night and good times, I’m sure we all want more.

Hope you all recovered from the karnage, Over and out, AJ 27

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Send notices to nexus@waikato.ac.nz before Wednesday, 5 pm. We don’t always have much space, so get in quick! Try and keep ‘em under 75 words. We will not accept handwritten or non-electronic notices or dictation over the phone – that’s stone-age shit. If you (somehow) don’t have access to email or a computer, come into the offices and use one of our computers to type up your notice. Ta. Oh, and we hear that personals ads work terrifyingly well, so give that a go as well – fun for everyone Random Stuff Need help typing your assignments, I will type what you write. I do not proof read or check for grammatical errors, but will type your assignments as they are written and your writing must be legible. $7.00 per typed page neg. Text 021 205 3289

Freeloader.co.nz Where Students Buy and Sell No listing fees, success fees or registration charges, its FREE. Perfect for finding flatmates and buying and selling text books. coming at some stage or another...... duck party.......free popcorn for you and the ducks...

FLATMATE WANTED Double room with double wardrobe for $70 p/w + exspenses nice and cheap has a fire place with free wood, a huge deck with built in seating, huge lounge, big kitchen, lots of storage space. close to uni 5 minute walk (tralee place) call/txt 027655268 “OPEN AUDITIONS - CATS Wanted Singers, Actors and Dancers Hamilton Operatic Society is holding open auditions for their upcoming production of the Andrew Lloyd Webbers - CATS. Auditions are 17th & 18th May 2008. For more audition information see www.hamiltonoperatic.co.nz or call Kathie on 07 839 3082 for an audition time.”

A gold rectangular pendant on a gold chain has been found on campus near S block and handed in to Student Services Reception (chapel building).

We don’t have a Student Adviser at the moment so cant send an email to all students about it. Are you able to put something in Nexus to say that it has been found and is at Student Services Reception. It is a gold rectangular pendant on a gold chain which is broken and the pendant has a flower and pattern on it.

4 bedroom townhouse with 1 bathroom.

Sunny upstairs double bedroom with a double wardrobe available.

Two female and one male existing flatmates.

Seeking a male flatmate between the ages of 21 –26yrs.

Rent includes: *Power *Food *Phone *Broadband No pets or smokers.

Available from the 30th May 2008.

Contact 07 859 3000 or 027 423 3960

--Interested in overseas internships?! -AIESEC WAIKATO offers you the opportunities to teach, to help improve the development, to work on the issue like HIV/AIDS, in over 100 countries including HUNGARY – Budapest; INDIA - Delhi, Mumbai; INDONESIA, while getting paid!!! [WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!]

Check out the chalking and flyers for the info sessions time! aiesec.waikato@gmail.com FoR Sale:

1991 Toyota Trueno GT-Apex Black. New Tyres. 5speed Manual SilverTop 20V Engine. 1600cc Goes well. Fast as, and CHEAP on gas!

2-door. Tidy Interior MoMo SteeringWheel, SonyHeadunit(mp3) Wof n Reg (til-Sep) GREAT CAR - No Problems $3200 ONO ---------------------Other Stuff-----------------------Double Bed - $90 Gas Heater (KEEP WARM!!) - $100 w/bottle lounge Suite - $150 2Seater/Foldout2Bed - $120 500pc Poker Set - $55 21’ TV - $70 29’ TV - $130 Photos+More info Available.

Delivery Available. (4Gas $) Call/Text 027 3522564 Having a party???

Our band is keen to play some parties before our bassist goes into hospital (he drank toilet duck and nearly died). if anyone is having a party and wants some entertainment get us to play!. we are a punk 5 piece and WE WILL PLAY FOR BEER!!!

Available for stag nights, christenings, 21sts, children’s birthday parties, voodoo rituals etc contact us at demonskateboard@yahoo.com WE PLAY FOR BEER!!

Real Law for Virtual Worlds

By Wayne Rumbles The law seeks to regulate competing interests and will appear in spaces where people interact. In the ‘real’ world this is fairly straightforward in areas such as the criminal law, which regulates how you can physically interact with people, and commercial law, which regulates how you interact with the market place.

The Internet however has given new ground to stretch the limits of the reach of law. We have seen intellectual property law convulse and stretch to try and accommodate illegal downloading of digital music and video.

With law suits against peer to peer software manufactures and now over 20,000 individual downloaders.

As more and more people interact in the virtual environment the law will follow, and the law is following you right into your virtual world.

Virtual worlds are shared spaces where Internet users interact in real time, through a graphical interface via a representation of themselves called an avatar. Some of these virtual worlds have millions of users, such as Second Life with its 13 million user accounts.

Second Life purports to be an alternative universe where residents determine action within the world – there is no set gameplay, you can do what ever you want. This world has a virtual currency (Linden dollars) and residents have the ability to make objects 30

including buildings, landscapes, vehicles, furniture, and machines to use, trade, or sell.

There is also an exchange (the Lindex), which converts Linden dollars to and from US dollars.

In this environment where per month users are spending between US$20-$35 million and over 25 million hours online, it was not long before the fingers of the law would seek out this new world. One other factor that makes Second life of particular interest is that there are two versions a teen version and a R18 version, which includes sex and violence just to spice up your virtual life.

The cases to date have centred around two areas: property rights and sex.

The idea behind Second Life is that you own what you create (buy or trade). Mr Bragg discovered a bug in the game, which allowed him to buy land at an undervalued price – when Linden Labs (the manufacture of the software) discovered this they deleted his avatar and froze his account, in effect taking his money and he ceased to exit in Second Life.

Bragg sued for loss of his property. Linden Labs said that the court had no jurisdiction -- after all the property and the world doesn’t exist.

The courts said that they did have jurisdiction based on a relationship between the game manufacture and the user, opening up the possibility to sue for online actions. Bragg now has his property and online identity restored.

The other property cases centre around residents using hacks to copy virtual goods where they go into a virtual shop and use the hack to copy the stuff on the shelves and

then set up their own shop and undercut the original creator.

One interesting case that crosses the line between property and sex is that of Stroker Serpetine v John Doe (Volkov Catteno). Stroker creates a line of virtual sex toys under the registered trademark Sex Gen and Volkov (who is the avatar in the game not the person) copied and sold 50 items from the Sex Gen line. This is the first case where a virtual person has been sued. Sex and pornography are big business in the R18 version of Second Life, and at present the Belgium police are investigating a virtual rape, and there is monitoring and prosecution of trade in child and other illegal pornography. A disturbing aspect is an area called Wonderland which is a playground hidden behind a shopping mall and contains avatars in the shape of children – some as “young” as toddlers – offering sex for money including the ability to torture and rape. Although it may not be children behind the avatars, both international police and prosecutors around the world are investigating how the law can step in.

One thing is clear wherever people real or virtual interact the law will follow. So when you are online – Play Nice. We are watching you.

(Wayne Rumbles is a Senior Lecturer teaching in the School of Law teaching in the areas of Crime, Criminology and Technology Law)

The New Electoral Finance Laws Promote Democracy.

Yeah Right.

As the dust settled in the wake of the election funding controversy of

matter, including the use of “loudspeakers and megaphones,” must

2005, two new pieces of electoral finance legislation were passed by the labour-led government: the Parliamentary Expenditure Validation Law of 2006 (PEVL), which retroactively legalized all wrong-doing of the previous election cycle (yes, they can do that, even with lawsuits proceeding), and the Electoral Finance Act of 2007 (EFA), which was designed to “clean up New Zealand’s electoral system and protect it from abuse,” at least according to our Minister of Justice Mark Burton.

These Acts did not go un-noticed. The New Zealand Herald ran frontpage editorials on consecutive days denouncing the EFA, and criticism has spanned virtually all political ideologies, from conservative groups such as Family First and the Catholic charity Caritas to liberal groups such as the Direct Democracy Party. With the Law Society and Human Rights Commission also joining the fray against the Act, and with Mike Moore, the former Labour Prime Minister, speaking out publicly against his old party, we have reason to suspect that something has run amuck.

The two issues that led to the funding controversy of 2005 and the subsequent electoral laws were the Exclusive Brethren affair with National and the Auditor-General’s report on the misuse of public funds for electioneering, primarily by Labour, but almost every party in parliament was guilty of some election misspending. National’s involvement with the Brethren was initially denied by Don Brash, but subsequent admittance and deeper investigation of the issue left Brash’s credibility severely weakened, and with allegations circulating regarding an extramarital affair, Brash resigned from politics late in 2006.

Labour’s misspending of public money was greater than that of all the other political parties combined, totaling almost $800,000, and a lawsuit was brought against Helen Clark. (New Zealand First and the Greens were next with $150,400 and $80,900 respectively.) However, once in power, Labour, New Zealand First, and the Greens were able to pass the PEVL, nullifying any charges. They did pay back the money, but after elections, donors do not face the same restrictions, so by that stage the money was easier to come by.

More recently, the government brought in the EFA to rein in the influence of wealthy private donors. (Their concern for the impact of money during campaigning is a little rich considering that they just retroactively wiped their own illegal behaviour.) The Act primarily deals with independent third parties, as opposed to established political parties and taxpayer-funded campaigning. Private groups and individuals that want to spend $12,000 or more taking a public position on any political

register with the electoral commission, and all public political messages, above or below the dollar thresholds, must carry the home address of the “financial agent.” People who abuse democracy by seeking to criticize or promote an individual member of parliament—how dare they—are mandated to register after spending only $1,000. All registered third parties must then divulge the sources of their donations over $5,000, and if they do not, the money shall be confiscated. The EFA also puts a cap on total spending by each third party at $120,000.

Private donors and third parties with big money will always find a way around these laws. Put on a cap of $120,000 and they will simply start new entities carrying out the same activities, but now the money will be divided, or they will simply find ways to conceal their money and break the law. As Bryce Edwards, a University of Otago professor of politics, says, “political money is just like water in always finding the weakest links through which to flow.” Smaller groups, on the other hand, with more limited resources, including those seeking to start new political parties but who are not yet eligible for public funding, will be the ones who struggle with compliance costs.

And what about democracy—the underlying justification for these laws?

Two vital criteria of democracy are freedom of speech and competing parties. There is no doubt that the EFA impedes our freedom of speech by requiring registration (a euphemism for licensing) and it aids incumbent parties by limiting the funds available to new entrants—all while cutting away at any anonymity we might desire in life.

While the influence of wealthy donors during election campaigns may be regrettable, this law, and perhaps any similar law, will fail to restrain this inequality of influence. Rather than put forward the illusion that we have dealt with wealthy interests, we would be better off to acknowledge them and be weary and skeptical as voters, demanding transparency in return for our vote and holding accountable political parties that succumb to the corrupting influence of donors whether it is legal or not.

Fergus Hodgson has a B.A. in economics from Boston University. He currently studies political science and tutors macroeconomics here at the University of Waikato. Feedback is welcome at flh2@students.waikato. ac.nz.

nerdery.

Jed Laundry

Don’t you just hate those days, just after you’ve had an absolutely awesome weekend, when something just starts to go wrong and creates a problem that you’re up till 1am trying to solve? I had one of those last night. I’ll give you a hint; it had something to do with Vista and how uncivilized and unprepared we really are for the 64-bit era (One word, dude. Starts with “Mac,” and ends with “intosh” - Ed.) And that’s my excuse to the editor as to why this week’s entry is late, and so if you’re reading this in Issue 9 its because Josh feels really sorry

needs refinement. In true human style, instead of sending directly to him, everyone decided to reply to the entire group (strong deja-vu, after a certain incident with the student e-news mailing list), and so I also got a little inspiration and insight into what web designers love to neglect; consistency.

for me, in which case you should pat him on the back next time you see him.

Anyway, on with the article.

important, design consistency.

Despite all the common templates and HCI research, it seems people love to set their own standards in the hopes that others will follow it, which often leads to disastrous results. A good example of this is the ‘Brushed metal’ theme of pre-Leopard Mac OS X. Although Apple had set strict guidelines of how it was

My friend Daniel (congrats, you get the second-ever Nerdery plug!) recently spammed Facebook asking for ideas on how a particular website that we’ve all come to love or hate

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Now, consistency is one of these things that is often talked about but never really put into practice in the software world, and really has two parts, the first being the most but least

to be used, mostly for hardware-interacting parts of applications, Apple often broke these guidelines themselves because they thought applications with this theme looked better.

But there is an issue that can be solved today; identity consistency.

Open ID and Live ID are two great ways to ensure a common and consistent profile on the interwebs, but they still are yet to really be used properly. Live ID is probably the better example; everyone has Live Messenger, so why can’t we use that profile for Facebook and Bebo? Not only would it be convenient, but it would actually encourage users to change passwords more often, as they’d only have one password to remember. Not to mention, all that contact list harvesting would be much smoother. Maybe I’m just dreaming though...

The café I’m reviewing this week is at the heart of Hamilton’s café culture. Momento is situated just opposite the Bank on the corner of Victoria and the recently renovated Knox St. I had never really gone in as I presumed that it would be similar to the university variation, but the idea of drinking out of real cups at a Momento was just too good to pass up.

The place has a raised roof and so it seems pretty big. The décor is fantastic, hued with a neo-art deco accent via high arcing windows, curved metal plating even just the layout of the café. I’m no expert on awesome (Shameless Plug - I’m getting there thanks to Kiril) but this place, FEELS awesome; it makes me want to bob my head and jive, and I don’t even know what jiving is. To me, this is a place for people who want to go somewhere awesome, and drink their coffee. Somewhere that isn’t pretentious (ahem: Scotts Epicurean).

Prices are pretty standard, (2 x coffee) + (1 x cake) = $13, what’s more, I wanted to buy everything, the food all looked really good. The serving chick was really helpful, but I kinda got the feel from her that she wasn’t happy about being there. Finding a seat was a bit difficult, I soon realized that the place wasn’t as large as I had initially thought. So after walking across the café and back we found a seat in the corner by the fridge, next to a humming fridge and a screaming grinder; it was the noise level where you have to notably talk louder across a table. Often when dining at a café you want it to be a bit quieter so you can relax.

The café had no flow, it was as if the café had been laid out with almost 0 attention to how people would actually operate in it.

The coffee was great, possibly a touch too milky, but it was really good.

The cake was quite nice as well, although it was cold, which means it’s been refrigerated, which means its two days old at least. The cake may have been a hint undercooked also, as often is the way with carrot cake due to the amount of moisture in the ingredients. But the cream cheese icing was amazing; in fact it was the most perfect cream cheese icing…. ever.

So Scores for this Week: Service 7/10 Food 6.5/10 Coffee 8/10 Atmosphere 7 /10 So a solid, but almost disappointing 28.5/40 for City Momento this week. The place feels awesome, but the layout is annoyingly awkward, almost frustrating. I really disliked having to walk around, looking like and idiot to find a seat. I came away feeling more frustrated than anything this week, in fact writing this now, three days later – I’m still annoyed. In my opinion, stick to Momento at Uni, its way more awesome-er.

Be excellent - to each other, Thunder MCLOUD!

A few new videos and demos have been floating around now that really look set to shake up the old staple of gaming, the FPS. The one consistent factor that surfaces in innovating for FPS titles is immersion.

A first-person perspective lends itself well to involving the player in the game by bridging the gap between player and character. Wolfenstein3d and Doom kicked things off well, but most games afterwards were clones until Duke3D. Quake upped things to full 3D, but added nothing in the way of innovating the player interacted with the world. Thief stepped this up by introducing sneaking and using sound, but fuck that was hard. Mostly, FPS’s haven’t advanced much beyond better graphics and engines, with the notable exception of Half Life, which has pretty much set the standard for immersion, with the entire game – cutscenes and scripted dramatic events included – viewed from first person.

There’s a video of gameplay footage out at the moment for Mirrors Edge, and it’s pretty damn cool. The concept is that the main character is a less delivery person, and she gets from A to B by using Parkour. The co-inventor of Parkour played the guy with the backpack from the big chase scene in Casino Royale, so imagine doing that, all entirely in first person. Sounds cool huh? More to come.

I’d kind of been ignoring Haze, until I downloaded the demo and found out it was by the Timesplitters folks. Now, what Haze brings to the table is simulated drug addiction. As a soldier in a PMC you have access to Nectar, which enhances your combat abilities in many ways, all you have to do to administer it is use the left trigger like a syringe. Your team mates encourage you to use it, but the more you take, the bigger dose you need to get the same results, so you’ll run out quicker. And the longer you go without, the worse the withdrawal gets. That’s okay though, because you can take some off your teammates. Just don’t expect them to live long without the combat enhancement. Or stay sane. During a firefight on the demo, a guy in my squad fell in front of me and I accidentally shot him in the nectar dispenser and he lost his supply, went mental, and threw his gun down and attacked another guy to get his nectar. My squad had to subdue (kill) this guy in the middle of a battle… awesome.

Now imagine this online. One team is the drugged up soldiers, with superior equipment and prowess, but with a crippling dependency on a limited supply of nectar. All it takes to ‘borrow’ from someone’s supply is to walk up behind them. The other team play rebels rebels; outgunned, but with the knowledge to look out for OD’d soldiers, shoot for the dispenser, and that when the shit hits the fan, the soldiers are going to turn on each other pretty quickly to get their fix of the sweet, sweet nectar.

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Title: Touch Wood – Confessions of an Accidental Porn Director Author: Anonymous Publisher: Little Brown Book Group Limited

$36.99 Reviewed by Kelly Badman In his thirties with a dead music career, what’s an anonymous bloke to do but launch a new career around the one thing he knows best: porn. And thus the book Touch Wood – Confessions of an Accidental Porn Director was born.

With equal parts hilarity and vulgarity, we are treated to the author’s every bumbling step in his fledging adult entertainment career. His idea is to create hard core films that (shock! horror!) actually have plots, characters and dialogue – something completely foreign to the flaccid British porn industry at that time (and let’s face it, largely still is.)

His exploits come thick and fast. From trying to deal with the “talent,” and convincing his mates to lend him their swanky houses for locations to shooting in public places without being caught (because funnily enough, most city councils won’t give you permission to shoot porn at the local river walkway).

All this while trying to keep his live-in girlfriend and vicar father unawares.

know little about. After all, did you know that you can show toes inserted in an anal sex

It’s not a book for the prudish or diffident and I don’t recommend you lend it to your mother. But once you get over the very liberal use of the language of porn it’s actually an eye-opening look into a business most people

scene but not a whole foot inserted? (Yes, he really did film that!) And did I mention that it’s funny? It is a fabulously laugh out loud read that romps along at a cracking pace and will serve as a nice distraction from study in the build up to exams.

Secret Invasion Written by Brian Michael Bendis Reviewed by Gordon Dawson If the idea that any one of your favourite Marvel superheroes might be a shape-shifting alien in disguise excites you, continue reading.

If it doesn’t – well, this is unashamedly a book for the fans. If you’re not in touch with the Marvel Universe, then skip it. Otherwise… read on.

Secret Invasion is one of those Marvel Universe crossover books they pump out once a year or so to keep things nice and clean and (hopefully) wind up a few continuity errors. Put like that, it sounds unexciting. But the book itself is… well, it’s interesting, but not a great deal happens. It’s largely free of the smashbang tropes of pretty much all superhero comics, and this might be because it’s penned

by Marvel uber-scribe Brian Michael Bendis, who likes to treat his readers and characters a bit more intelligently than most. But his conceptual approach leaves this book feeling underwhelming. It’s hard to escape the fact that people in costumes who are not fighting other people in costumes look quite silly, like

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cos-players at a convention. But the slow start is intentional, I suppose – this is a lead-in to a bigger series, and there are so many plot threads floating around that it can only start slowly. Things warm up around the middle of the book, with a number of explosions and several fan-favourite characters revealed as the nasty Skrulls, the shape-shifting aliens who have been sleeper agents on Earth waiting for a bigger invasion. Like I said, this is one for the fans. If you’re a completist comic book collector (or have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) you’ll have a field day with this, going back through past books and spotting the clever references and easter eggs Bendis has left throughout. I am neither of these things, but I still got a reasonable kick out of Secret Invasion. One for the fans, perhaps, but a good book (with some very nice art by Leinil Yu) that’s still worth being checked out by the casual superhero comics reader.

One final note; if you’ve seen the excellent Iron Man movie, why not go to Mark One comics and check out the book which inspired some of the movie’s best scenes and the look of the film’s Iron Man suit? It’s called Iron Man Extremis, and it’s written by the insanely talented Warren Ellis, surely one of the best writers in comics today. Check it out – I will be buying it as soon as it comes back in.

David Lean, Part Two Lean followed his Noel Coward period with a pair of Dickens adaptations that saw his critical reputation peak. “Great Expectations” and “Oliver Twist” are visually impeccable, supremely well cast works, seamlessly paced yet incorporating set piece moments that are true cinematic tour de forces. Like all great directors Lean’s use of

efforts to showcase his wife’s modest talents in “The Passionate Friends” and “Madeleine” displayed craftsmanship rather than inspiration.

The achievements of this third phase of his career lay more in the dated “Breaking the Sound Barrier” (needless to say, not the story of Chuck Yeager), and the wonderful actor vehicles “Hobson’s Choice” (an over the top Charles Laughton matched by an underplaying John Mills) and “Summertime” (a luminous Katharine Hepburn in the first and maybe best of her middle aged spinster roles).

Lean’s final five films are those he is likely to be remembered for, at least in terms of popular taste.

silence is often breathtaking: the opening frames of “Great Expectations” have a tension and tauntness to match anything in the Hitchcock canon.

All epics, each dealing with a momentous 20th century conflict, they saw him showered with accolades and handsomely rewarded at the box office.

There was no where to go but down. His instincts perhaps blunted by an imperfect marriage to the actress Ann Todd, Lean’s

Both “The Bridge on the River Kwai” and “Lawrence of Arabia” won Oscars for Best Picture and Best Director.

I was in town the other day, during the day, which I hate, because everything’s so fucking different in the sun and I get lost. I only really know my way around the part where the bars and restaurants are, and I always get lost in malls. Malls can go to hell. I know bitching about malls is old hat, but I don’t care. Malls are filled with disgusting people. Malls have food courts, which is an excellent idea in practise – who wouldn’t want to eat fish and chips while smelling McDonalds and MallIndian food – but the problem is that they are filled with the kind of people who hang out in food courts. Once when I was young I got locked in at Bayfair at the Mount, and a mall worker found me and she had a big bag filled with all the disgusting shit that people spill on their tables and also used needles from the parents room and she said she’d tip it on me if I didn’t memorise the layout of the mall. I’ve

never been able to learn my way around a mall ever since.

When I went to get GTA4 at midnight, I knew the games store was in one of the two halves of the mall in town, but didn’t know which one. I always just walk and walk and walk until I see the sign. Anyway I went into the wrong one (because the electronic doors opened for me) and walked all the way to the end where I was locked in, and had to walk back. I’m pretty sure that this happens to everybody, because the only place in the whole of Hamiltron: City of the Future that makes it seem like you are in an actual city is the little street that divides the two malls.

If you look down to Vic street you can see a restaurant of some kind and people crossing the road, if you look forwards or backwards

The first is a surprisingly complex take on World War II, not at all the conventional POW drama it appears at first glance. “Kwai” is more a study in character and codes of behaviour which begs major questions about patriotism. Alec Guinness’ performance as a British officer whose sense of martial duty is undermined by pride ranks amongst the top half dozen pieces of acting in movie history.

As rich as “Kwai” is, “Lawrence” tops it. Lean seeks not the literal truth about TE Lawrence rather to account for a legend. Marrying the instantly classic Maurice Jarre score with awe-inspiring desert vistas, “Lawrence of Arabia” perfectly balances spectacle and drama, veteran actors (Guinness again, Anthonys Quayle and Quinn, Jack Hawkins) with emerging stars (Peter O’Toole in the title role, Omar Sharif making his English language debut), and an appreciation of British influence in Middle Eastern affairs with a critique of colonialism.

you can see people being mall people and if you look down the other way on just the right angle you can see Starbucks, filled with Starbucks people. If you look too far, then the view trails off into nothingness and ruins the impression, so try not to. Wannabe business people just walk back and forwards here all day to be part of the ambience.

Why anyone would want to be part of the large man busking for money and trying to compete with the whore-techno coming from Supre is beyond me, but hey. Essentially, it’s Centreplace that puts the ‘City’ into ‘City of the Future’. That’s a little distressing, because Centreplace also includes Garden Place by association, which includes disgusting little children and morbidly obese people who am I forced to assume are on the lookout for meals that won’t taste like black nail polish. I don’t find that to be very futuristic at all.

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History, Luxury, Somebody will take you there…

A feature event on Hamiltron’s musical calendar is set to take place again on Saturday, 31 May, at Digger’s Back Bar. The 4th Annual Hamilton Circle Jerk features a prestigious line-up of Hamilton’s finest musicians covering the songs of their peers and past Htown musical luminaries.

Bands performing on the night include The Sheriffs, Rumpus Room, Big Muffin Serious Band and The Shrugs, also playing solo will be Mark Tupuhi (Jahna) and Matthew Bannister (Sneaky Feelings).

Entry is $10, and if there is only one show you drag yourself away from the rugby to go see this year, this should be it. A splendid musical smorgasbord that is a perfect introduction to Hamilton music and musicians.

This week Hamilton’s Central Library launches its annual ‘Soundz Like Hamilton’ event. Running from May 20 – 29 the event showcases local musicians through a series of lunchtime and evening performances, as well as a day of music on Saturday, May 24.

Entertainment ranges from 30-piece orchestras to rock, alternative and country music. All performances are free and you can check out the gig guide for the event at www.hamiltonlibraries.co.nz In other feel-good-about-NZ Music-cos-it’s-NZ-Music-Month news, South Auckland plus-size rapper Savage has signed a worldwide deal with Universal Republic Records on the back of his sleeper hit single “Swing”.

The song has been climbing the iTunes charts and receiving hits aplenty on Savage’s MySpace site. A new remix of “Swing”, featuring worldwide phenomenon Soulja Boy, is soon to be aired on US and NZ radio and a forthcoming US album release is slated for the 4th quarter of 2008.

Universal Republic Records is home to big dogs such as Amy Winehouse, Jack Johnson and The Who. And finally for this week, monster of R & B, Mary J Blige is coming to NZ to play two shows as part of an Australasian tour. She plays Auckland’s Vector Arena on Monday, 16 June after warming up with four Australian shows. Tickets went on sale last Friday so if this is the first you’ve heard, get thee to a ticket outlet hasta il pronto i.e. fast.

SONG OF THE WEEK: “Same Old Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg, off the album The Innocent Age (1981)

CD Reviews THE LAST SHADOW PUPPETS The Age of the Understatement

Unkle War Stories

(Domino Records)

Reviewed by Josh Drummond

The Last Shadow Puppets are one possible answer to the question: What do you get when you cross Arctic Monkeys and The Rascals?

Featuring, respectively, Alex Turner and Miles Kane, The Puppets also boast the orchestral arrangements of Owen Pallet (Final Fantasy) and the drumming/production talents of James Ford. The results are as fantastic as this sounds but not for all tastes. The aforementioned arrangements and slick production mean that every song has an audacity that could be hard for the average ear to handle; you’ll either want to turn it up or turn it off. Heavily influenced by 70s Bowie and late 60s Beat musician, Scott Walker, it is easy to see where this audacity comes from. Imagine Starsailor or Turin Brakes with a full orchestra and Liam Gallagher as lead vocalist (not for singing style but more for balls) and you’ll be getting in to Puppet territory.

If any of the above bands and/or musicians appeal to you, it is a logical step to the Puppets, if not, try warming up on some of those predecessors first. Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars would be a good starting point.

Unkle is one of those artists who seem to perennially fly under the mainstream radar while being noticed by the People Who Know.

Unkle makes incredible music, and they aren’t shy about collaborating with a huge variety of artists, from (perhaps most famously) Queen of the Stone Age’s Josh Homme to Ian Astbury, Autolux and Gavin Clarke.

The solo Unkle stuff is excellent – standout early tracks include trip-hop beauty Chemistry and first single Hold My Hand – but the collaborative stuff is better. When Things Explode, with Ian Astbury, is dreamy yet deliberate, with acoustic strumming underscored by plodding, understated drums and beautiful strings, built around Astbury’s voice.

Josh Homme’s effort on Restless is a different beast entirely – the triphop version of the driving “stoner rock” sound QOTSA are known for, with Homme performing the same yeoman vocal work as you’d expect from a Queens album. (QOTSA’s latest album, Era Vulgaris, features an excellent Unkle remix of their song I’m Designer.) Unkle is like Portishead, but inspiring as much as reflective and depressing. This album should be bought now, by everyone.

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Planet Terror

The Broadcast Archives: Ramones Classic Performances

Directed by Robert Rodriguez

Reviewed by BURTON C BOGAN

REVIEWED BY BURTON C BOGAN

Much like Vitamin C, I to was disappointed that this and Death Proof were separated but, much like System of a Down, it’s all about money. I was disappointed not just due to the missing movie previews (although there is one before this feature, the hilarious Machete), but also because it takes a lot away from the two movies conceptually.

Designed to reproduce the 70’s B-Grade double features at your local theatre (hence Grindhouse) it now seems a little disconnected. But I digress. Planet Terror can initially be summed up in one word: GRATUITOUS. Within this movie is random lesbianism, detached testicles, amputations, explosions and popping abscesses. The hazy storyline, yes there is one, involves Cherry the stripper who wants to change her life around. Cherry lives near a Texas military base in a small town. Unfortunately a military experiment escapes into general circulation through a double cross in the form of a gas that turns people into zombies. Said zombies start biting the uninfected…you ge the idea. In amongst all this, Cherry gets attacked by zombies who eat her leg when she is being given a lift by her old sweetheart. As well as gratuitous this movie has all the stereotypical characters, complete with Cherry’s sweetheart – the working class man with a chequered past.

But what initially seems to be gratuitous becomes completely necessary when you think about it. First of all, what homage to 70’s B-grade cinema would be complete without all of the above? As well as all that is the obligatory random sex scene that is hilariously interrupted and intentionally grainy and scratchy appearance to give it that 70’s B-grade feel. Now I’ll get to what I’m sure you’re waiting for me to comment on. You’ve all probably seen the advertisement with Rose McGowan with a gun for a leg? Believe me it’s worth waiting for her to let loose because the scene is hilarious and fucking awesome! There are also the obligatory Tarantino and Sex Machine (actor Tom Savini).

In conclusion: BUY THIS MOVIE! It is absolutely awesome, just leave your belief at the door and appreciate it for what it is. My only recommendation is wait a little bit until the two are released in some sort of package with some sort of bonus stuff (because you know it’s going to happen). How many times can I say 70’s B-grade feel? Surprisingly, only three.

The Ramones formed in 1974 and were considered the first punk rock group. All of the members used stage names with the surname Ramone even though none of them were related. They virtually toured non-stop for 22 years and performed 2,263 concerts. They disbanded in 1996 and eerily all three original members Joey, Johnny and Dee Dee died within eight years of the band breaking up. But you all know this right?

Well sometimes you wonder. A recent television “survey” asked 30 people who were wearing Ramones shirts on the streets of Auckland to name three Ramones songs. I can’t remember the exact statistic but only a third of them could actually do it. It seems dissent is now strangely commodified so we should all buy Golf Punk shirts. But anyway, its early in the morning and I haven’t had my coffee yet. Just be warned you may be quizzed if you’re wearing the shirt so try and come up with something more original than Blitzkrieg Bop (see I even did the first one for you). But I’m getting bitter and old….oh shit the DVD review…This is twelve tracks of the Ramones playing like in New York I think it is.

First the song selection is pretty good. Absent is my favourite Ramones song “Somebody put something in my drink” which isn’t that surprising but also absent is “Sheena is a punk rocker” but that probably has something to do with when this was filmed. Some classic Ramones are here though like “Gimme Shock Treatment”, “I Wanna be Sedated” and The KKK Took my Baby Away”. Initially I thought this was going to be similar to the Motorhead one I did a couple of weeks ago, just balls out tracks with no interviews or anything. But surprisingly there are little interview bits in between that to me are the real highlight of the whole DVD as they provide an incredible insight into not only the band but also punk in general given they were one of the first. The sound quality of the performances really vary, and during Shock Treatment the mic even dies. Some are clear and others are all crackly, but this is punk so it doesn’t really matter. Buy this if you’re really interested in the music with the interviews as a side. Or if you’re scared that some random angry Bogan is going to stop you in the street and question you because you’re wearing a Ramones shirt. If you want to really knock my socks off

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Listings courtesy of Mammoth and the Hamilton Community Arts Council young woman. In the process of straightening Arts Live Music Axces NZ Music Month Competition - Heat 4 Fri 23 May, Doors open 7pm @ Axces Bar – Free entry Celebrating NZ music month, heats every friday of the month of May. Final last Friday! Winner takes 5 grand!

Cause for Alliance, Cripple Mr Onion + More Fri 23 May, Doors open 8pm @ Yellow Submarine – $10 Cause for Alliance & Cripple Mr Onion release their respective new albums on a nationwide tour during NZ Music Month.

Gallery Grand Opening Hamilton’s newest gallery opens next week.

Xquizart as a gallery of wearable and visual arts.

Fri 23 May 2008 Cost: Free Time: Weds - Fri 10am - 6pm, Weekends 10am - 4pm, Grand Opening 7pm Where: Xquizart Gallery, 15b Hood Street, Hamilton The Dentist’s Chair - It’s all about fear It was a dentist who invented anesthetic and a dentist who invented the electric chair. Albert is a dentist with a gift for easing others’ pain - but not his own. His long neglected passions are inflamed by a delicate operation on a

out her teeth will Albert straighten out his life?

Tue 20 May 2008 - Sat 24 May 2008 Cost: From $22 to $45 + Booking Fee Time: 8pm Where: Clarence St Theatre, 59 Clarence St Thornton Gallery 298 Barton Street Hamilton, 07 839 1325 Land, Sea and Sky – an exhibition themed on New Zealand land and sea scapes. Includes artists: Michael Sass, Gaye Jurisich, Collette Fergus, Ben Ho and Mary Mai.

Dear Agony Art I was doing some ‘research’ on the ‘interweb’ and I realised that the ‘girl’s I was watching in a ‘pornographic film recording’ were in fact ‘dudes’. Does it make me gay that I’m looking at shemales? I’m not actually gay, but it was kind of erotic for me.

Rowan

Dear Agony Art The other day I was talking to my friend the pros and cons of dildos and vibrators and she suggested that I should get a vibrator as they are pretty awesome. What do you think? Should I get a dildo or a vibrator? <3 Emma

Dear Rowan, There comes a time in a man’s life where he encounters imagery of a ‘shemale’, whether it be by accident or some kind of fetish exploration.

Some times the trannie can be deceiving (I’ve seen some pretty hot trannies in my life) but the answer to your results lie (or stand) in your pants. After finding out that the vociferous femme is a dude, did you still have a boner? If your corn-on-the-cob is still at attention, then yes – you are a batty basher. You can further analyse your condition by these other factors: a) were you masturbating at the same time and continued to masturbate after finding out hot chick has a dick; b) did you cum; c) did you concentrate on the boobs, face, and/or pork sword; and d) did you save the image/video to your hard drive. Either way, you were looking at dude porn so you’re probably gay. For those wanting to find out if they are galchap-liking chaps, just take the test at www.wowomg.com

Dear <3 Emma It all depends on the size and speed of the vibrator/dildo. You can get a massive dildo (like, a persons arm big) and that’s fine. Or you can get a vibrator with multiple settings. The benefit with a vibrator is that it stimulates several needs your body has – movement and penetration.

Alternatively, a big dildo is just like a pork sword, only you have to move it yourself. Is that what you really want? To have to make the effort yourself? If you don’t, then just find a guy (I hear they also have penis shaped items in their arsenal) and fuck him. An electro-wang is pretty much only useful if you’re an ugly, lonely girl or a man hater (but not a lesbian), so take that into account also. Also: don’t share sex toys. And if you’re using a sex toy anally, remember to clean it before you put it anywhere near your fishgina. Infections aren’t fun.

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