News

More stories are emerging of ARISE interns being paid out

substantial amounts of money to stay quiet about abuse

suffered in the church. A former member told RNZ they were paid out ‘tens of thousands’ of dollars in a settlement after witnessing lead pastors Brent and John Cameron bullying teenagers - this included ‘ripping into 15-year-old girls over the wrong lighting,’ ‘farting in their hands and putting it in the faces of interns,’ and a few other things I don’t feel comfortable mentioning in a student magazine. The person also alleges that interns were expected to work anywhere up to 60+ hours in total a week for free, including 20 hour days on Sundays. The person’s father told RNZ that he saw ARISE as a ‘cult,’ which honestly, given the definitions of a cult, they aren’t far off. A leaked internal document seen by Nexus saw ARISE claiming that they had never signed an NDA, contradicting claims of ex-members who allege to have been paid up to $90,000 for their silence. Nexus have also interviewed meme page @arisememes, which you can check out on our website.

A recent study by the Tertiary Education Commission in Aotearoa found that 40 percent of students who pass NCEA level 2 are not

‘functionally literate or numerate.’ Writing for RNZ, education correspondent John Gerritsen reported that the NZQA report showed many high school students didn’t know how to use full stops at the end of a sentence, recognise the difference between ‘written’ and ‘spoken’ english, or how many minutes there are in an hour (it’s 60, btw). This report follows concerns from the Graeme Dingle Foundation regarding young people ‘disengaging from their peers, education, and society’ after extended isolation periods due to COVID-19. Y’know, maybe young people aren’t as good at memorising made up colonial / capitalist constructs like grammar and time - but maybe the education system in Aotearoa isn’t doing a very good job at moving with the times and understanding that intelligence can’t just be measured by how good you are at fullstops.

And lastly, despite efforts to save it, Hamilton’s Founders Theatre is set to be demolished in July. Open since 1962, Founders hosted international artists like Louis Armstrong, Split Enz, Village People and other boomer acts before closing in 2016 due to ‘health and safety concerns.’ Local advocacy group Theatre of the Impossible have been negotiating with Hamilton City Council to try and save the venue, but were voted down last week after Council said they had ‘little confidence in the trust’s budgets.’ Council plans to turn the space into a ‘multi-purpose park and community performance space’ after they conduct hundreds of pointless Teams meetings about it and do the exact opposite of what the public asks them to do.

Small Town Short News

Jared Ipsen

Look, sometimes there just isn’t that much small town short news, alright? It isn’t every week that someone makes a bonfire out of shit, or the clock in Te Kuiti stops working. Sometimes it’s just gonna be people talking about the weather, and you’re just gonna have to accept it. I’m doing my best here.

A group of native skinks have been relocated to a pest free

sanctuary in Rotopiko. 14 copper skinks, known collectively as mokomoko, were found during construction of a new housing development in Te Awamutu, and consequently relocated to a wetland sanctuary at Lake Rotopiko. Volunteers at Rotary constructed some cute little wood stack refuges for the mokomoko, and local tribe Ngāti Apakura welcomed the new additions with a waiata. While our copper-coloured friends’ conservation status is ‘threatened,’ they aren’t currently at risk of extinction - but there certainly are worse uses of your day than saving a handful of strange little reptiles.

While bee numbers continue to decline worldwide, the Waipā

District Council has adopted a new bylaw which will see

restrictions placed around where bees are allowed to be(e). After a plan change accidentally allowed residents to just straight up put beehives in their backyard without a resource consent, Council ruled that said bees need to be kept far away from the neighbours, fenced in, and provided with a nice cool drink of water at all times - punishable by death (jk). I did try to find more information about the bylaw, but the link to the document provided by Waipā 404’d and they never replied to my email, which is probably due to my open disdain for Councils in all their forms.

After a particularly long and hot summer, Waikato farmers are facing incredibly dry conditions, much like Ben Shapiro’s wife. Due to climate change, farms over the Waikato haven’t seen much rain, which is the naturally occurring phenomenon where condensed liquid water becomes heavy enough to fall from the sky. While a few extreme weather events over the last few months provided a little bit of rain, the Waikato Primary Industries Adverse Event Cluster (great name btw) is urging farmers to start their winter jobs early just in case Metservice keeps lying about when the rain is coming. “Shit, it’s a bit bloody dry, isn’t it,” a local farmer told Nexus, squinting at the sky from underneath his FMG hat. “Yeah, nah, it’s fucken… Yeah.”

Local councils are still whinging and whining about Three Waters.

I honestly don’t know shit about Three Waters, but every single time I open a rural newspaper or newsletter, there’s another old white dude having a snotty cry about socialism and their deep, endless love for rusting and decaying water pipes in their area. To be frank, I don’t think that any of these Councillors really know anything about Three Waters either, but they need to justify the existence of their jobs somehow, and complaining about shit people don’t care about is the easiest way to do so. I was thinking of doing a write up about Three Waters, but I was too busy trying to figure out how to pay rent and buy groceries without going into bankruptcy. Maybe if local councils took better care of their infrastructure, then we wouldn’t need Mommy Government to step in and fix everything.

The Sports

Jersey Commandments

Oliver Dunn

In the summer it appears as a rainbow of NBA singlets inspired by recent playoff darlings and all-stars. Then autumn comes, bringing out the more authentic Super Rugby swag around home games and local pubs. Winter encourages combos like the hoodie-NFL jersey marriage, and spring breathes life into the endless rabbit hole of football kit.

In all these instances, you have every right to wear whatever sport, team or player you choose, regardless of actual allegiance or sporting knowledge. You may equip these jerseys as pure fashion statements, but you must always be aware of the sulky sports fan quietly judging you from afar. Diehard sports fans belong to a subculture known to be a little sensitive at times, with unwritten rules and lifelong rivalries. So, to best equip you against these sweaty, grumpy beasts, here’s a few sports jersey commandments to live by.

Rule 1 The Full Monty

Under no circumstances should you wear both the top and bottom portion of a team’s uniform, e.g. a Lakers singlet and a Lakers pair of shorts (probably just don’t wear anything Lakers). This infringement is known as the Full Kit Wanker and should be avoided at all costs if you’re over the age of 6. Rule 2 Cross Contamination

You cannot wear a sports jersey of one team and have on a hat or beanie representing another. Your wardrobe can represent seventeen different leagues but conflicting pieces should never debut together. It would be like wearing a ‘save the rainforest’ t-shirt while sporting a pair of freshly poached Jaguar slippers. Rule 3 Group Policy

Communication is key when it comes to wearing anything sports with your mates. There should be a strict one jersey per group rule in place. As soon as a second friend shows up in violation of this they must burn their jersey on the spot in a sacrifice to the sporting gods. Rule 4 Unspecial Edition

It’s best to avoid any special edition jerseys that stray too far from canon. This includes any neon or camouflage colourways as well as those god-awful Mitchell & Ness minimalist designs. Not only are they visually heinous, they also scream ‘I don’t actually watch this sport.’

Rule 5 Relevancy Clause

The player on your jersey should have a reasonable level of relevance in regards to them either a) still playing for that team or b) still playing at all. It’s worth doing a quick audit to make sure your collection is up to date. There are of course exceptions to both clauses including if the player had their best years with that team or if they’re in the Hall of Fame.

Rule 6 Nothing Personal

Best to stick to real life rosters rather than ordering a personalised name for your jersey. Not only is it usually more expensive but it’s just a bit confusing. Are there no players worthy of reppin’? Is this a weird fantasy in which you’re the starting QB for the Green Bay Packers? Far too many questions, just get that Luka jersey that’s been in your cart for three weeks. Rule 7 Untucked

Most jersey designs often lean towards a baggier fit which, based on the laws of nature, should reject any attempts to tuck the waist. If you find yourself or a loved one tucking a sports jersey into a pair of jeans either forcefully untuck it on the spot or remove the jeans completely.