Nexus 2023 Issue 23

IT’S

It’s a new day, a deep breath, a sweaty face, a bootcamp, a catch-up, a challenge, a realisation, a conversation, a push and a pull, a moment of peace, a struggle and a win, a feeling, a superpower, a soundtrack and a stage, a weight plate, a new limit, a grind, a flex, a heavy set, a commitment, a culture, a community, a way of life, a second home, a place to discover your playground.

WE’VE GOT A WIDE RANGE OF ROLES TO SUIT ALL LIFESTYLES.

O ROTO

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF + DESIGN: Jak Rāta editor@nexusmag.co.nz DEPUTY EDITORS: Tehana De Klerk tehana@nexusmag.co.nz, Seamus Lohrey seamus@ nexusmag.co.nz TE AO MĀORI: Tatiana Warren tatiana@nexusmag.co.nz LIFESTYLE EDITOR: Leilani Summer leilani@nexusmag.co.nz

ILLUSTRATION: Filly Arias Marin filly@nexusmag.co.nz MEDIA Jasmine Gorman jasmine@nexusmag.co.nz

CONTRIBUTOR: Marwa Nauman, Aspen Hodgetts, Josh Gibbs, Cyber Stargirl, Teuila Blakely, Bianca Maria, Stien Huizenga, Douglas Bagg, Anahera Harris

Hunter… dear Hunter. What the hell dude? I thought you and I had something going and then you came out and started spewing that nonsense. Who the hell are you to just throw around some bullshit racist shit like that and hope that no one was going to say anything? Because I honestly believe that Hana-Rawhiti was harsh enough with your ass.

If you’ve not seen the ReNews young voters debate, then this is all probably null. I won’t bore you with details, but it was just a massive pisstake–especially if you’ve got Erica Stanford there to speak for your youth. No shame to her, live your truth, but how out of touch can one person be?

We’re two weeks off the end of the semester

Putting the K in Iwi… Iwik

and I’m feeling it. As are most of you, I can feel it. We’re seeing the ass end of assignments and WSU is hustling their AGM out. Which apparently hit the numbers they needed to make sure their annual plan was passed. And, thankfully, we’re back next year. Though I can’t be ignorant to the rumblings, loud mouth claims and criticisms for who Nexus is and what student media represents. Silencing the voices of a major outlet that speaks on student issues and fights for what’s right? Show your bias and power dynamic a bit more.

We’re back next year though, you’re welcome. But unlike the current political situation, we actually know what we want to be doing with this space and we can argue effectively for what we think is right. That’s why we’ve created our version of the State of The Union and what WE think needs to be done in honour of tauira and the rights that we deserve. You got some thoughts? Then scrawl them on a bit of paper and throw them through my office window. I also take smoke signals.

For the better part of 3 years I’ve been at the helm of this ship. I’ve dedicated my post-graduate years to making sure student culture was documented well and that everyone was represented the best way I knew how. Being a good cunt for you guys. I still have another week here, but I want to say that it’s been fucking mean so far bro. Nexus is going to move into a whole new world, and I saw the end of the old one. Get amongst it team.

Until next time, Jak

This year has seen tremendous growth and progress for us at Nexus. We’ve seen no more putea towards fair pay, nor have we seen any more, or less, support for professional growth. But we’ve had a dedicated team that’s been in the trenches making sure there’s a stream of consciousness coming out of the media for you as students. In the past 12 months, we’ve increased the amount of visibility of our magazine on campus. We’ve interviewed countless politicians, started a few protests, spoken to the Prime Minister, and even interviewed Teuila Blakely. Vasa from Shortland Street bro.

Though here’s what we’ve noticed that I’m sure a lot of you have as well. The Nexus team has shown up to almost every activation on campus–cameras and microphones at the ready to get the scoop. Sure we’re usually working the bbq and making our presence known because of a couple loud mouth Māori (Thank Hoata and Kae’sharn) but it wouldn’t be the same without us stirring the damn pot.

And while we’re there working with the team during O’week, we face criticism on the other hand as some question our motives. Here’s the thing, we’re out here volunteering our time to make sure tauira are getting home safely or eating kai, or even just paying their rent. It’s all about perspective as it’s hard not to notice the quick bites at funding that we receive. It’s all pretty stock standard though. There’s $80k dedicated to the printing of Nexus. Which we recover in advertising revenue as achieved by our Comms and Marketing guy/Editor (Chur Jak). Which means it’s a running system and not running at a loss. Is it hard to wrap your head around? Wait till you find out that our team is volunteering and we’re reliant on student contributions for making it all work. Artists? Yeah they’re our mates and working from the goodness of their hearts. We’re lucky that we’ve got hella dedicated artists that just love what they do.

Sure, it’s important to make sure that the Board feels supported and that they’re being adequately supported. We’re not going to ever take that need from them. But we, as staff of the student voice on campus, want to also make sure that we’re not all completely out of touch of what’s needed. There’s no denying that advocacy is important and support is well-needed but here’s the kicker. That doesn’t need to come at the expense of minimising engagement and chucking out the fucking snags on a weekly basis. We’re not the snag union? Why can’t we be a snag and tag (a mate that could use cheering up) union that feeds the bodies and souls of tauira. In a nonpredatory way. Oh also pay us a living wage please.

Nexus Team

Here’s what we would do if we were in charge:

Better healthcare

We will not shade the entire team at UniHealth. There’s some hella amazing staff there that genuinely care so deeply for the tauira- looking at you Mikaela Walsh, you legend. Though if we’re dedicating costs to health and wellbeing from the Student Levy Cost, why does it take so long and still cost money just to get some help with our medical needs?

Revitalising Existing building

All we’ve got to say is FASS. While the inside is covered with beautiful art and hearty colour, the outside is screaming AHS Asylum. It’s nothing short of a brutalist nightmare and we’re just sad looking at it. Doesn’t help that Nexus faces directly at it and all we see is her Grey Greatness. Love to hate you, ya blocked in goddess.

Actually ensure everyone is being fed

Loves an initiative that considers students getting kai in their puku but how’s about following through? Less of the raising cost of buying food on campus, or god forbid you trek to Claudelands Countdown and hand over your cock and soul for

cheese, and more of giving healthy and nutritious food over without breaking the bank. We’ve seen the adverts for cheap kai, but we want to also see students receiving those things. FEED THE KIDS.

Mental Health Support

We at Nexus have started many surveys, kōrero, and endless arguments about the mistreatment of tauira in the mental health space. It’s easy enough to throw out the “don’t be a snowflake” when students are genuinely in one of the worst positions financially and socially in our recountable history. Post-covid has seen a reintroduction of the ever despised seasonal depression. But the bitch is back with a vengeance. We want to ensure that there’s adequate knowledge of how to treat the students' needs and to effectively communicate with them without just treating us like another number.

Events events and events

We’re back on campus, and have been for a while. At times it seems WSU are the only ones that want to engage and make sure that it’s still fun to actually be on campus physically. Oh and they gave away an iPhone 12 this year. When the 15 was released… (I can’t judge, I have an old 7 plus). There’s the issue though. We hear the complaint that we don’t have culture or that it’s no longer lads lads lads and drinks all weekend. While that may be true, does it mean we become complacent in not accommodating the needs and wants of those students coming through now? We don’t have to feed piss into them but we shouldn’t also be doing anything as a means of combating the stereotype of binge-drinking and perpetual indulgence. It’s not a mutually exclusive situation, let’s build a NEW student culture. We’re too boring.

Bowling alley on top of the village green shops.

This one is a bit of a callback, for those who don’t know. But it’s something we’ve been asking for and it should happen. Though with the boom of escape rooms... it’s giving.

We decided

What's your favourite way to spend a lazy Sunday?

a) Sleeping

b) Going for a long hike or building something

c) Binge-watching TV shows

d) Trying out new restaurants

e) Hanging out with mates

What's your go-to snack?

a) Nuts and berries

b) MEAT

c) Popcorn

d) Sushi

e) No preference

What's your ideal vacation destination?

a) A secluded cabin in the woods

b) Going for a fishing trip or a hunt in the bush. Gotta get that buck lads

c) A bustling city like New York

d) Probably like Raglan or something. I’m chill.

e) Anywhere with mates

You’ve been struck by lightning, what’s your new superpower?

a) Flight

b) SUPER STRONG MAN VIBES

c) Invincible

d) Invisibility

e) Being cool

Choose a drink:

a) Napping

b) Whiskey… on the rocks

c) Cruiser

d) Something sweet and fruity

e) Anything

that there are particular animals that represent the spectrum of queer identity. Sure, it’s a little inappropriate to think there’s only five options–but we’re the ones writing it so it’s like our choice? Follow along and figure out your identity and which animal you align with.

Which weather do you enjoy the most?

a) Cool and crisp

b) Hot and sunny

c) Rainy and cozy

d) Mild and breezy

e) Absolute hail storm

What's your favourite type of music?

a) Nature sounds

b) Garage Rock

c) Liquid DnB

d) Indie folk

e) Literally anything

If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?

a) Something in the creative industries. Like a painter or some shit

b) Tradie or finance. Ya know

c) Something where I don’t have to use my brain too much.

d) Law, or a career that involves me in charge and centre.

e) Friend of the world

What's your spirit emoji? a) �� b) �� c) �� d) �� e)

Mostly a's: Meerkats are sexy but also chastain!

Sex isn’t at the forefront of your brain, it’s not even in your mind. It’s meerly (haha) just something everyone around you wants and you don’t need. Understand that your relationships are more important from an intellectual perspective.

Mostly b's: It’s giving Boar

You’re most likely a straight man or a masc lesbian. There’s not a whole lot of difference except if you look at the boots. It’s in the docs

Mostly c's: Black Cat Lesbian.

It’s written in the stars, sorry.

Mostly d's: Lion–gay man

You like knowing that everyone is OBSESSED with you. Or they really REALLY hate you. They either want to kill you, or be you. It’s okay. We get it.

Mostly e’s: Golden Retriever

Literally everyone loves you but you also love everyone. There’s not a single thought in that brain. Nothing going on.

Georgie Dansey

for Hamilton East

Authorised by Rob Salmond, 187 Featherston Street, Wellington.

Ladies, gather around! We've stumbled upon an ancient and mysterious culinary secret that has been passed down through the generations, known only to a select few: the art of preparing a "Girl Dinner." But don't be fooled by the name; this isn't just any dinner. It's a dinner that caters exclusively to the whims, desires, and caprices of the better sex. So, without further ado, let's embark on a culinary journey through the enchanting world of a "Girl Dinner."

The Pink Aesthetic

If Barbie taught us anything, it’s that it’s not stink to like pink. First things first, let's set the mood. Paint your entire dining room pink - from the walls to the cutlery. Scatter rose petals and fairy lights generously, and replace the chairs with plush unicorn-shaped bean bags. After all, everyone knows that girls are biologically programmed to gravitate towards pink and unicorns.

The Menu

Now, for the pièce de résistance - the menu. Remember, a "Girl Dinner" is all about catering to those dainty taste buds. Start with plate kale chips. They're not just visually appealing; they

also detoxify your chakras or something. For the main course, prepare avocado toast with a side of avocado toast. Because if there's one thing girls love more than avocado toast, it's MORE avocado toast. Oh and Salami. You can't forget the salami.

The Dessert

Ah, dessert, the true essence of any "Girl Dinner." Serve a dessert that's as extra as your ex's new boyfriend. Consider a tower of macarons that rivals the Eiffel Tower in complexity, or perhaps a pink and gold-dusted cake adorned with edible pearls. Or, for my more introspective individuals, yoghurt and two fresh raspberries will suffice.

And there you have it, the ultimate guide to preparing a "Girl Dinner." Remember, the key to success is to embrace the stereotypes, exaggerate them to the max, and serve up a heavy dose of satire. After all, who needs a gender-specific dinner when everyone can enjoy a good meal, great company, and a hearty laugh?

So, you've heard rumours about the impending World War 3, and you're thinking, "How the fuck can I avoid being drafted?"

Well I’m not some miracle worker, I can’t just help us all when helping myself proves difficult enough. But here’s what I can do. Create a dummy list that helps you perhaps start looking at alternatives to fighting for your country and proving you’re worthy of valhalla. I watched Max Max: Fury road. Let me live bro.

Become a Full-Time Influencer

It's time to monetize your life kings and queens. Start an Instagram account dedicated to posting pictures of your toes, and watch the followers roll in. When the draft board comes knocking, just tell them you're too busy influencing to be bothered with tanks and stuff. They’ll understand

Embrace the "Meme-litia"

If there's one thing the military can't handle, it's a meme insurgency. Form an underground meme militia with your Gen Z comrades and fight back with the deadliest weapon of all: humour. Send them so many memes that they'll surrender just to get you to stop.

Claim to Be a Plant

Adopt a "Save the Earth" persona and insist that you're a sentient plant that can't possibly be of any use in a war. Show up to the draft office dressed as a potted ficus and declare, "I photosynthesize for peace!"

Organise a TikTok Flash Mob

Convince all your friends and followers to participate in a synchronised dance protest in the middle of the draft office. You might not be able to make a statement but you’ll look like a dick enough for them to give you a pass. Or leave while they’re laughing.

Start a Podcast

Announce your intention to launch a groundbreaking podcast exploring the emotional intricacies of World War 3. Tell them you need to stay neutral for the sake of journalistic integrity. After all, someone has to report on the war from the comfort of their soundproof studio.

Declare Yourself an Essential Social Media Influencer

Convince the draft board that you provide an essential service to society by curating the perfect TikTok trends and hashtag challenges. Tell them, "Without me, who's going to be the next Addison Rae?"

Stage a "Millennial vs. Gen Z" Battle

Organise a mock battle between Millennials and Gen Z-ers, and then livestream it on YouTube. When the military comes calling, tell them you're too busy settling generational scores and can't be bothered with real wars.

Become a politician: They’re exempt from everything.

Up the Wah's Chippy

A second one? Shit you can create a whole team with this bandwagon shit.

Left Arm

Right Arm

Authorised by David Bennett MP, Parliament Buildings, Wellington.

I went on 3 Dates last (last) week; here’s what you missed.

Leilani Summer

Surprise, surprise, my willpower is non-existent, and after swearing for the *final* time I would not redownload Hinge, I did. Hinge in Byron Bay? It definitely sounds better than it is. The face value lives up to the hype, with everyone aesthetically looking amazing. However, I'm yet to find the same on the inside. After my frustration with the first, second and third dates, I'm now a dating addict again. Certainly, none were my cause for stopping.

Here's what you missed;

I hate to admit it, but I set my age range to 35-50 (My relationship with my dad is excellent!), and I matched with a 38-year-old single dad. This is actually my ideal man on paper, and the Hinge pics of teaching his kid to surf had me sold. We were off to a great start until he started talking about how he wanted to get the mother of his daughter back and if I had any advice. I don't know what was more alarming, the fact he was on a date with a twenty-year-old or asking for relationship advice from one.

II:

I set my age range back down and found a 25-year-old who could pass as 30. I was soon reminded why I didn't date around my age when he asked before eating if I was cool with splitting the bill. Of course, I said I was, but mentally I checked out at this point. I made him feel so comfortable he started talking about his boy's weekend last weekend and, well, did not stop. If your name is Samantha and you got with this rude

tradie the previous weekend, I'm sorry, girl, he's telling the world—worst $38 I've ever spent.

III:

I was about to give up and delete the app again when I found a 35-year-old Finance bro. My holy grail. He made reservations and sent me an Uber, and things looked great until he decided to preach his opinions to me. It all started when I asked what music he liked, and he said he is more of a podcast guy.

I said, 'Me too, what do you listen to?' And he looked down and said 'Oh he's like for the guys, you won't know him' to which I said 'Try me' and I bet you can guess the answer. Joe fucking Rogan. I suffered through my at least free salmon; however, when he decided to explain why he believes pronouns aren't valid, I told him I was tired and bolted into my Uber as fast as I could away from his R.M Williams and Jo Malone scent.

Mother and Daughter

Marwa Nauman

A woman must inevitably compromise a part of themselves once they become a mother. A solemn sacrifice that is only observed by her daughter and death (gravestones). Daughters understand the melancholic transition from girlhood to womanhood. They understand it as not a simple loss of innocence, but an unwilling acceptance of insincerity. Daughters expect others to finally take them seriously as they age into adulthood, but become increasingly disillusioned upon puberty. The formation of breasts and blood between their legs represent Time’s imminent cost.

The countdown of fertility tolls each month with each loss of an egg followed by the intrinsic pain of fertility (menstrual cramps). With each toll of the bell (womb), the daughter comprehends how society increasingly views her not as an individual of thought, but as a bloodline producer. She understands the expectation of birth placed upon her shoulders by consistent comments: “You may think you don’t want children now, but you will when you're older.”

Family members will disregard your outlook on political matters and instead bring up how such a pretty beauty like you should pass your features to the next generation. You begin to understand that becoming a mother is an act of sacrifice because once the babe is cradled to your chest, people will first and foremost perceive you as a mother.

A daughter looks back at her mother with unconditional love for her immortal sacrifice of personhood. She will cry in

the strong arms of her mother for all the times she called her selfish. Although sometimes the remark rang true, nothing compares to the initial offering of compassionate birth. The daughter will always recall her mother’s sacrifice before critiquing her way of thought. She will forever endeavour to uphold her mother’s voice because others did not care to acknowledge her personhood.

A mother’s compromise will be immortalised through her maternal descendants. A daughter’s voice is afterall powered by her maternal ancestors’ DNA, which shall never be

• Cracking my phone screen.

• Forgetting my card at home.

• Those spicy noodles in the pink cup packaging.

• Owning a tamagotchi.

• Being stuck in an infinite loop of watching Euphoria season one for all eternity

• Time travelling back to first year and having to repeat my degree all over again.

• Getting back with my ex.

• My parents are getting divorced.

• Rhythm and Vines for the fifth year in a row.

• Finding out my degree is useless.

• Hearing people be completely wrong, but having to hold yourself back for the greater good of the community.

• Seeing Elton John live.

• Listen In Auckland 2023.

• Seeing Ice Spice live.

• Having a resurgence of the King Kylie era.

• Having to go bush after accidentally killing your step-dad for hitting your mum.

• Getting the "when did I ask?"

• The Warriors, after all this time, finally

Ranking

Huntly (3/10) - Boring and it seems to be the but of every joke

Raglan (8/10) - The only nice beach in the Waikato. Chill place.

Matamata (6/10) - carried by Hobbiton, let down by everyone pronouncing it Matter-matter.

Cambridge (7/10) - Horses, a lake, and rich people. Really fancy and I feel warm here.

Te Awamutu (5/10) - cool roses but basically a Warehouse Cambridge.

Taupō (8/10) - a cool lake, scenic places, and a tourist hotspot. Not getting a higher rating as a supervolcano is kinda scary. Probably you wouldn't give it this rating if

you lived here, people seem to hate living here.

Taupiri (5/10) - only getting a rating as it has Taco Bell, Subway, and Maccas. There’s nothing else to do here apart from get food on a roady.

Morrinsville (4.5/10) - Jacinda and cows. Nothing else.

Tokoroa (5/10) - Cool statues, Burger King and KFC but not much else to do.

Te Kauwhata (6/10) - I heard about a lot of crime here but I really liked it when I drove through.

Ngāruawāhia (2/10) - Skate parks a bit shit though, pub burnt down but not bad takeaways

Seigawiri (10/10) - No thoughts, vibes

1. Nawton

Looking for the culture? Want to find some brown people? Here they are e te iwi

2. Grandview Heights

Want culture, but not brown? Here they are pals.

3. Hamilton Lake

It’s the pretty view of our only walkable route in Kirikiriroa. You lose points for being built on swamp land and peat soil. Good luck when you sink into the ground, like The Lovely Bones and the safe with the body.

4. Frankton

It’s like the perfect mix of all things foodstuff, cars and industrials.

5. Te Rapa

An absolute power move of a suburb after stealing the title of shopping hub of Hamilton from the CBD. A lot of ram raids here though.

6. Hillcrest

Heart of the student culture, but you can’t use enough Jif to get rid of the pongy stench of desperation

7. Dinsdale

Most of you will know this as your last stop before fucking off out to Raglan.

8. Chartwell

This is like Te Rapa but if you got the DLC suburb edition.

9. St Andrews

Golf and big houses.

10. Flagstaff

Whoever the city-planner was that decided on Flagstaff watched a little too much Over the Hedge

11. Hamilton East

If you can’t afford to move to Pōneke, then Hamilton East is the next best thing. They’ve got Ice-Cream, coffee and… well that’s it.

12. Melville

She’s forgotten. That’s all.

13. Rotokauri

It’s a Zoo, like that’s pre cool and all. But the constant fear of Lions escaping is enough to keep me away

14. Fairfield

Gets a lot of shit but the community vibe is there, and you can’t beat their skatepark. Well apart from the 12 year old caught drinking Cody’s there a few years back. Look it up

15. Claudelands

It’s like if you wanted to live in Hamilton East but closer to the River but you don’t have River money. The houses here are held on by six termites and a prayer.

16. Rototuna

Poor man's Flagstaff

17. Queenswood

Like a lesser Fairfield but you just aren’t cool enough to be remembered. Pop of Crystal Gems

18. Deanwell

So Deanwell isn’t the Hospital area? Fitzroy? Who the fuck is that?

19. Maeroa Who?

20. Whitiora

You wanna live in town so bad but we can’t park at your place. Bffr.

FRANCE NEW ZEALAND ITALY URUGUAY

NAMIBIA

New Zealand RAHHHHH.

IRELAND SOUTH AFRICA SCOTLAND

TONGA

ROMANIA

Tonga have had a good tournament compared to where they used to be in the rugby hierarchy. Unfortunately, they’re in a tough pool. On the other hand, I think Romania is the worst team at this World Cup.

WALES FIJI

AUSTRALIA

GEORGIA PORTUGAL

Poor Australia but the writing’s been on the wall. Bet they regret firing Dave Rennie. Portugal have had some surprising players and Fiji have been mean! Wales vs ArgentinaWales

C

ENGLAND ARGENTINA

JAPAN

SAMOA CHILE

A surprisingly tough pool. I think Argentina will make a comeback and get to the knockout stages.

Ireland v New Zealand - Ireland (that hurt to write BUT if New Zealand win this they’ll win the World Cup)

England vs FijiEngland

Quarterfinal 1: Quarterfinal 3:

Wales v IrelandIreland

Quarterfinal 2: Quarterfinal 4:

England v South Africa - South Africa

France v South AfricaSouth Africa

Ireland v South Africa - Ireland

Holy heck team, it's been a damn year since we spoke. How are you? What's new?

Jared: Well, that’s a pretty personal question, isn’t it? Kind of rude. Maybe you just worry about your life and let us worry about ours.

Tom: Don't listen to Jared. He's just upset it's been a whole year and he's still not worked out how to get the money back for his NFT collection.

Jared: They’re cool NFTs, really. Like, they’re all like, pictures of animals, but like, some of them are wearing a hat, or like, a cool necklace. It’s a cool adult thing for grown ups.

Gabe: No comment.

Last we spoke, you mentioned your sound as “eeeeeoooooouuuughhhhh.” and "Straight ahead rock". Has this changed at all? Has the year matured your sound?

Tom: After you made us put ourselves under the microscope, we came to the consensus that a hard pivot to Butt-rock was the only guaranteed road to success.

Jared: Maturing a sound kind of requires you to have a sound in the first place, right? I mean, we certainly make sounds. It’s quite loud actually, when we’re all making sound at the same time. Sometimes we’re all making the same sound, and sometimes they’re different sounds.

Gabe: No comment.

With a massive influx of "garage bands" have you been able to work with any awesome local sounds? What's been the highlight for yous?

Jared: Garage bands, eh? Which garage are they in? Not great acoustics in a garage. I guess it depends on whether your neighbours are in to it, too. We don’t practice in a garage. I mean, it’s kind of like a garage. It’s more of a storage unit. I walk around the neighborhood sometimes but I’ve never heard a band practicing in a garage. That doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, though, I just haven’t come across any.

Tom: You can actually do ANYTHING in a Royal Wolf.

Jared: You can kill a man in a Royal Wolf. It says so on the side of the container. Gabe: No comment.

Burnt EP is out in October, what can we expect from that? Is it true to your current sound or is there a twist?

Jared: It’s probably a good idea not to expect much from us

at all. We’re doing our best, you know? That’s all we can really offer anyone.

Tom: Yeah Gabe wrote a song on it, I wrote a song on it, Jared wrote a song on it. Thematically, conceptually, and sonically, it's a complete mess.

Gabe: No comment.

What's been the highlight of this year for each of you?

Tom: Based on the increase in screen time I see on the 'Wellness report' my phone generates each week, my cellphone has been the highlight of the year. It's got everything you could ever need. You should try staring at it more. Suuuuuper rewarding.

Jared: Fuck you’re nosy.

Gabe: No comment.

You're going to be at Last Place, playing Dougfest. If you could create your dream lineup, who'd be on it?

Tom: Kyle Lowry, Kawhi Leonard, Pascal Siakim, Marc Gasol, Norman Powell (for Gabe).

Jared: Well, you always need some solid defence on your team. I always go for a Geodude cos you can get them early on in the game and they’re solid. And then you need a flying type, so I usually go for a Pidgey. And then for a starter, you can never go wrong with fire type. You can find grass and water types pretty easy in the wild, but fire is a bit more rare.

Gabe: No comment.

What's on the horizon for you all?

Jared: We’ll probably just continue to be a middling band, releasing music to a small audience of our friends, opening for local shows to muted fanfare, losing money on selling merch, and just generally being antagonistic and annoying to other bands in

the scene. Another important thing to note is that we’re never gonna break up, and we’re never gonna die. QUALMS is forever.

Gabe: No comment.

Jak Rāta

If I’m correct, and I know I am, a lot of you will go into this movie for either the chick from The Bear (Ayo Edebiri) or Rachel Sennott. Obviously I’m the latter. I found myself seeing a handful of reviews about this flick on my fyp or just across the internet generally. It looked fucking lit bro, and it did not disappoint.

Directed by Emma Seligman, Bottoms is a dark comedy centred around the plight of two lesbians on their hunt for pussy. That’s quite literally all it is, so imagine my surprise when I’m suddenly watching a murder mystery gone matrix style battle for the win. PJ and Josie are best mates who both happen to lesbians, this is important, and they’re facing the reality that they’re back in school after summer vacation without having dipped their toes into the vast lack of eating out and scissoring to their hearts content. All this mixed with a sort of stalker level crush towards some cheerleaders, results in them assaulting the Quarterback Jeff and somehow convincing the student population that they’re recovered from Juvie.

Together they start a female driven fight club as a means of getting on the in with the cheerleaders. The storyline has been done to death mind you not with two lesbian leads but it’s something we’ve come to expect from teen coming-of-age. But what was I not expecting? Spoiler alert time kids. That the Mum of their mate would wind up fucking Jeff the Quarterback, that there would be a murder plot with pineapple juice or that Josie would start telling people she was a murderer and then actually becoming a murderer.

This movie makes zero sense, it’s seriously a mindfuck from start to finish. There’s parts of it that are so stylistically unique and the best part is the humour and tone. It’s just fucking funny aye. ‘Bottoms’ feels like a natural progression in the queer teen satire subgenre, building off the world created in 2000’s ‘But I’m a Cheerleader,’ while touching on issues that are more relevant for today’s audience with a comedy that feels new and creative while still recognizing its forebears. When a new LGBTQ+ movie comes out, there’s often a discussion: Is it any good? Does it even matter? Shouldn’t queer people get to enjoy bad movies, too? It is a great movie that makes you laugh like a bad one does. The joy isn’t in the fact it’s queer, that’s a product of circumstance, but in the fact that Seligman doesn’t take herself seriously and it shows.

That being said, it’s not some amazing act of bravery as the main characters bare their souls (or a version of them) in an effort to have girls want to sleep with them. It’s actually kind of gross but those actions are not justified at any point. They’re called out on them. Or rather it’s exposed in a fucking gnarly fight scene in the gym with their mate, Hazel, getting their shit kicked in by some random caged boxer. It’s just that fucking weird. Watch it.

Talk to Me

Tehana De Klerk

There have been a lot of comparisons with this film, some people saying it’s as great as the likes of “Midsommar”, "The Witch”, and other indie horror films. These people have also said that it’s one of the scariest movies they’ve ever seen.

They’re lying.

As far as I’m concerned, this movie relied on a few gory and uncomfortable scenes, some average jumpscares, and a whole lot of nothing. Sure, the acting was pretty alright, but the story died out very quickly. It’s clear that “Talk to Me” was targeted at a younger demographic, because it certainly wasn’t as groundbreaking as some people have said.

I feel as though in this era of horror films, if anything is slightly artsy or different, people will rage about it being really good. These people probably don’t know the difference between horror and thriller. This was a mediocre movie, with a mediocre storyline. People who are calling this one of the best horror movies clearly shows that the standard of horror has dropped in cinema. That, or they’ve been paid to say a bunch

This film had potential. It really could have been a great original horror. But it wasn’t. Honestly just feels like the 2020’s are in a downward spiral in terms of the film industry.

If you want good, scary horror film, here are a few good options: 2013’s “The Evil Dead”, 2011’s “The Thing”, and “The Conjuring” (that’s only if you haven’t seen this last one, because after the first watch, you just appreciate it for being a good movie).

of bullshit.

BEIGE FLAG

It's the same colour, but it might just be my colour-blindness. Still looks good bro

Trend Alert: Camo to hide your problems. We can still see you bro.

Taaj, 19, Music

1. Uh yes, I'd have too.

2. The second option

3. Savemart in Auckland

4. Seig.

5. Lychee Flavour

Kyla, 21, Law

1. It would depend on the situation

2. Sit on a dick and eat a cake, for sure.

3. Savemart

4. No opinion

5. I don't vape but I'd pick Strawberry

Xanthe, 20, Comms

1. I'm not too sure. I think I would

2. First option aye

3. Recycled Boutique, it's a classic.

4. B's up

5. I don't vape, no comment.

1. Would you fight for NZ in ww3?

2. Would you rather sit on dick and eat a cake or sit on a cake and eat a dick.

3. Where's your favourite op shop?

4. C's up or B's Up?

5. Go to vape juice?

Shannon, 22, CUP

1. Absolutely, stand hard for the bruthas

2. I don't like cake, so I'm sitting on a cake and eating a dick. Delicious

3. Whangaparoa

4. C's up. Yeah

5. Vaping is bad for you, you shouldn't vape team

Tulin, 21, Law

1. Yes

2. Sit on a dick and eat a cake, makes sense.

3. Recycled Boutique, bit expenny though

4. B's up

5. I don't vape, I don't know

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