issue 4

Issue 04

22 March 2010

Design Competition A fresh look on snowboard Art

Lettuce Stupid people getting angry in Lettuce!

22 F*ck my liver & F*ck you too Struggle With Alcohol!

Puzzle Page Returns Fight the Puzzles of Death!

RANDOM:DESIGN

Candleman Design Competition A fresh look on snowboard art

When last year Candleman Snowboards launched the tertiary design competition ’09, the crew did not expect too much. The design comp was announced after the mid semester break and its finale coincided with the exam preparation week. Considering the general propensity of students to put off work until the very last moment in order to cram as much party time into their semester as possible, the design competition did not stand a chance.

As it turned out, students did pay attention. The designs started flowing in from the very first week. Towards the end of the design submission period

that hand rail and jibbing the park or getting amongst the cliff drops and shredding the back country goodness, either way, she has the power of the gods so with her and your jib stick you’ll be set for to ride.”

Rosanna offers a slightly more technical interpretation of her creative process. “Mess is an artwork that pushes the boundaries. To me this is what snowboarding is about, trying new things out your comfort zone and beyond the norm. There are lots of contrasting busy images against a background which is in many parts quite bare. This reflects snowboarding to me, busy and high paced against a serene and quiet backdrop. The

every single university from around New Zealand was represented. Two cash prizes were up for grabs in the Girls’ and Guys’ snowboard design divisions. In addition to the cash prizes the winners’ artworks were to become Candleman Snowboards’ official new season graphics. So the winners were in for a double dip – the cash and the glory.

The winners’ comments provide some insight into what inspires such awesome designs. “Skadi is the Greek goddess of winter” - says Carl. “...

Skadi is sure to bring good luck along with the snow for an epic season.

Mixed in with the urban graffiti style, [S]kadi will be at home sliding down

intricate details in parts of Mess round off the rough edges, balance and refine the artwork to a controlled and presentable piece.”

The design competition highlighted the obvious fact – there are plenty of talented students out there. Candleman Snowboards Tertiary Design Comp is a great way to flex those creative muscles and to showcase your work. If you are into arts, snowboarding or even simply like to support local brands, visit Candleman Snowboards website www.candleman.co.nz for the details of Tertiary Design Comp 2010. Peace!

2

EDITORIAL

R18 Suckaaaa What did the generations do before us when they were students?

Sit around holding hands and singing? his week’s issue features youth drinking quite heavily. We’re not judging you if you do or don’t drink, or if you drink too much or not quite enough. Hopefully we inform you enough for you to make your own, educated decisions, regardless of anyone’s personal problems regarding too much or too little booze.

The truth is that students drink. Not all of them, but enough of them for it to be deemed a problem by the media. Some papers, like our local Waikato Times, seem to constantly be sniffing around for any stories they can get their hands on regarding student drunkenness.

If there’s a drunken brawl in town, they’ll find a way to make it look like student drinking is the problem. If there are a number of arrests, big or small, after a big event (and not just a student event) the Waikato Times is pretty eager to make it look like we’re all the culprits.

and singing? Study non-stop for the three years

be able to get for another two years. They’re

of free, government funded university and avoid all alcohol? Get a life, old people and get real.

drinking in parks where families have to go for picnics the next day, struggling to find somewhere which isn’t littered with empty bottles and half used condoms. They are having booze illegally supplied to them by the same old bastards who write in to newspapers and news websites to complain about student drinking.

The 17 year olds having a birthday party next door to our flat decided our driveway was the best place to have their bloody domestics about who was cuter and who had bigger boobs.

These high school kids are drunk driving because they don’t have the income to pay for cabs. They’re getting bored (because they can’t get into the clubs) and wrecking shit all over the city, rather than in their own little corner, like we do with Hamilton East.

Students have been drinking, whether legally or illegally, since students first started following gay Greek guys around to hear them talk about how real reality was. The only difference now is that there are digital cameras around so we can get a good look as just how fucked-up we were the night before. Unfortunately, so can old people. We’re also a lot more likely to be drinking at a legal age (18) then at an age most people would have left university (21).

Why are old people always judging us for drinking then? Why are we the punching bag of the media for doing what we do best, for cutting loose on those rare weekends when we have a little time off from the expensive, intensive life of university?

I don’t have an answer for that. Boredom is a possible answer.

A question I do have an answer for is this: why are university students being picked on for being hard drinkers when high school kids are getting off scot-free in the media? The way I see it, we’re drinking legally in areas like Hillcrest and Hamilton East (which are full of students anyways) or in town, where us being raucous is an easily containable event. We’re catching cabs to and from town. We’re cleaning up our own spew (for the most part) and recycling our bottles come the weekdays.

And that sucks.

What did the generations do before us when they were students? Sit around holding hands

Bloody high school kids* are a different story though. They’re getting pissed off their rockers at 16 years old; with booze they shouldn’t

When, I ask the media, when will it be their turn to get rear-ended by every story that comes out of about youth drinking? We are the whipping horse and the poster children of booze culture simply because we are the uncontrolled. We don’t live with our parents. Where teenagers are getting off drunken criminal activities because they’re too young to fully slam with the law, we’re catching the brunt of it.

So, I ask the mainstream media again, when will you go out to the suburbs of rich white people and poke your camera lenses into the drunken party of whatever 15 year old slut has been given a cask of wine for her birthday by her daddy? *I realise that in parts of this article I sound like the exact same “old bastard” I’m telling to get lost. It’s all part of the mystery of the Nexus.

Now, read on.

3

Credits: EDITOR: Art Robinson (editor@nexusmag.co.nz) DESIGN: Talia Musson (graphics@nexus-npl.co.nz) ADVERTISING: Ian Musson, Tony Arkell, Sarah Kelly (ads@nexusmag.co.nz) NEWS EDITOR: Grant Burns (news@nexusmag.co.nz)

5 Low Five!

FEATURES EDITOR: Debrin Foxcroft (debrin.foxcroft@gmail. com) WEB GURU: Jed Laundry (jlaundry@gmail.com) MUSIC EDITOR: Hollie Jackson (music@nexusmag.co.nz)

6 News from here and abroad!

FILM EDITOR: Richard Swainson (films@nexusmag.co.nz) BOOKS EDITOR: Kevin Pryor (books@nexusmag.co.nz)

25 The Facts On Alcohol!

12 Execution Returneth!

GAMES EDITORS: To be decided by virtue of content submission (games@nexusmag.co.nz)

22 Struggle With Alcohol!

13 WSU Pages!

28 Fight the Puzzles of Death!

17 Stupid people getting angry in Lettuce!

29 Beautiful columns by awesome people!

Contributors Dirty Old Blair Munro, Pretty Funny Emma Edwards, Dirty Little Hollie Jackson, Dirty Hipster Kevin Pryor, Sash Nixon and His Sweaty Lightsabre, Erin “it’s my hair, not a fire” Macfarlane, Loud American Mackenzie McCarty, Anthony “the Don” Ikinofo, James “Towlie” Manning” Judy’s Sweet Legs, Dr Richard Swainson, Aunty Emma Abrahams, Ross McCleod, Tash Bol, Nisha Ravji

Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR, OR ANYONE. WE DON’T WANT THE BARS IN TOWN TO FIGHT. BUT FUCK ’EM. THEY WILL ANYWAYS.

WANT TO ADVERSTISE WITH NEXUS? EMAIL ads@nexusmag.co.nz OR call 07 838 4653

NEXUS IS LOCATED AT Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton PHONE: 07 838 4653 FAX: 07 838 4588 EMAIL: editor@nexusmag.co.nz POSTAL: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

34 Reviews of everything from movies to books to video games!

INTERVIEW: LO 5

Lo 5

By Erin

LO QUESTIONS 1. What is St Patrick’s Day all about?

2. Which bar in Hamilton has to hottest people at it?

3. Have you heard of the Dead Weather?

4. Do you like the Ducks in the Uni lake or should we kill them?

5. Which celebrity would you take on in a fight?

Erica: English and History

Emerald Rose: Teaching and Music

Sara: Science

Michael: Business Management

Carlos: Linguistics

NEXUS NEWS ISSUE 04

From Men to Boys

By Grant Burns

“As we walked down to the abyss that is the aptly named Mystery Creek, we were struck with a barrage of unholy noise: screeching tyres of burning rubber” A great deal of menergy gets built up when packs of men congregate together, and last weekend at Mystery Creek was no exception.

There were all types of men and machines: beefcakes and boats, douche bags and drift cars, Harley fags and faggot Harley riders, yes the Boys Day Out had them all. With my trusty assistant/photograph, Baker, we endeavoured to dive into what it meant to be a man.

As we walked down to the abyss that is the aptly named Mystery Creek, we were struck with a barrage of unholy noise: screeching tyres of burning rubber, low flying helicopters, and a really bad sounding hardcore-metalwannabe-douchebag band. Together, Baker and I merged into the cloud of white rubber smoke with creatures that seem to live of the toxins of petroleum, rubber, and idiocy.

Moving towards the Pavilion to pick up our press passes, we got an idea at the size of this event – I can see why they don’t hold it at Claudelands anymore. We met the event organiser, Alesha, after aimlessly walking through crowds of men hanging around some pretty looking drag cars. Alesha was a sweet, sincerely genuine woman. She was organising a massive event, that, when we came past seemed to be getting more stressful because acts were pulling out at the last second; however, Alesha still managed to keep a smile on her face and just move all the events an hour forward – men and mindless models could learn a lot from a woman like Alesha – strong, determined, sincere – only someone

possessing these qualities could hold an event with this many different types of men without ending in a blood-for-all brawl.

Juggling with the maps and schedules, Baker and I just decided to continue walking aimlessly around until we saw everything and eventually got bored – that should cover it. In the main Pavilion there was a showcase of all that was man. There were stalls of boats, strippers, cars, bikes, a poker man who almost punched us out for taking his photo – fuckin’ queer, kickboxing, guns, more cars, pool tables, and more fuckin’ cars!

When I used to ride a motorcycle, I successfully pulled off a total of three and half wheelies (that’s a half for a reason). Watching the men on the drifting pad do wheelies standing up, 90degree stoppies, one handed front riding, and standing burnouts blew my mind. These guys were the personal highlight of the event for me because I thought this shit only existed on the wonderful, weird world of Youtoob.

Professionals at their eccentric art, I wondered how these men first tried doing a one-handed standing wheelie without totalling their pride and joy. I then realised when one flipped his Kawaski Ninja 1000 that they must be sponsored cause I wouldn’t proceeded to blow the tyres on my already broken bike, I would cry.

To get a true an “objective” scope on the event, Baker and I decided to skip the cut-out soulless bimbos of the bikini comp, and instead go watch the tattooed, bogan chickie babes in the roller derby. If you wondering why we

would make such a “gay” decision as this, Baker is a newlywed and I prefer girls who are independent and interesting rather than big breasted and fake. Wow! What a sport!

Scantily clad, tattooed ladies on skates trying to bash each other to the ground – I didn’t really pay much attention to the rules, I was more encompassed at the passion of these women.

These girls could pretty much beat any man to knees, yet they’re the sweetest girls you can imagine – well the one I spoke to sure was. The Hellmilton Roller Ghouls – that was their name.

We salute you girls! Well, I do.

After this, Baker and I became tired and stringy.

The buzz had worn off and I was getting sick of all the jocks, boy racers, and munters around me. We decided to go watch the Motorcross cause that seemed cool. The motorcross was abandoned after the second jump when the back wheel of a bloke’s motorcycle went straight through the wooden jump – nice. 4X Drives, rally cars, tanks, jetboats – I started wondering if they could really call this a Boy’s Day Out. Where were the exhibits for the men who like movies or video games, fine Victorian literature or Janis Joplin? Hmm I guess, after coming to this event, I can conclude that: maybe I am not a man? Perhaps I’m just some androgynous being banished to walk the earth as a vagabond of misery. Haha, or maybe they should just rename the event to “Boyracers Day Out.” Either way this event wasn’t as bad as I probably just made it seemed but to sum it up in one word: phallocentric.

NEXUS NEWS ISSUE 04

Slackers ruin it for the rest.

Tertiary funding cuts due to poor student performance.

By Hollie Jackson

A new proposal by Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce states that tertiary education providers will lose some funding if their students continue to have high failure and dropout rates.

Also, those students who fail University will not be able to continue getting student loans.

Mr Joyce announced in Wellington last Tuesday in his first speech as the Tertiary Education Minister that he had three short term goals

continually work to improve the educational performance of their students,” Joyce said.

“Educational performance will be measured using indicators like successful course completion, qualification completion and student progression.”

The proposal states that between 5 and 10 percent of government funding for tertiary providers would be linked to student

ongoing interest free loans; they will need to be assessed on performance. “[The loan] can’t be a blank cheque -- we need to check that we aren’t setting up any perverse incentives that increases student and taxpayer exposure to debt, without getting a positive education outcome for individual students or for New Zealand”.

Joyce also says that there are too many

– to tackle course completion rates; ensure qualifications were meaningful and ensure student support money was not wasted.

“The performance-linked funding model will provide financial incentives for institutions to

performance, however this percentage may increase over time.

He also states that interest free loans and some qualifications will also be affected.

Students will no longer get automatic access to

unnecessary degrees and qualifications available to New Zealand students.

“The goal is to cut duplication, up the quality and reduce the number of new qualifications being added to the system unnecessarily.”

House Bar Review!

By Art Robinson and Grant Burns

On the site of the former Loaded Hog on Hood St, House Bar has opened and looks set to be the new Nexus drinking spot. Editor Art and News Hound Grant went to give it a check out at the invite of Nathan Sweetman of the Phoenix Group and got a good look at what’s to come.

The first thing which struck us was the great range of New Zealand beers on tap. There were Crouchers, Emersons, Epic and several we can’t recall.

One, however, was a special brew from the Crouchers brewery, available only at House Bar: Mighty.

After being offered a sample rack of the craft beers on tap, we sat down on what are quite possibly the most comfortable couches in the city. A small alcove near the bar, on a slightly raised platform, held a collection of these couches, none newer than twenty years and all in great condition for their age. Straight away, Grant and I knew we’d found the best bar in the city.

Where other bars have uncomfortable leather and plastic seating, the kind that sticks to your skin after a half hour pint in the sun, House Bar have gone out of their way and way off the beaten path to make sure their customers are comfortable. Also, the bar staff regularly inquired as to whether or not we were alright and had enough to drink on hand. Good work, House Bar staff, we appreciate it and we know that your future customers will appreciate it too and keep on coming back.

The only thing we worried about, sitting back in the couches, was this: if someone were to get in under the radar and decide the couches were so comfortable that they would quite like to spew on them, how would they be cleaned? Fire seems the obvious choice, but poses a problem, as there can’t be that many fine couches such as these left in a world of soulless plastic furniture. As Nathan told us, however, that’s a problem he isn’t even thinking about it until it happens, if it happens at all.

The wide and well set out decking outside will certainly be another draw for people who enjoy a fine beer in a fine surrounding. Well placed walls guarantee the privacy and intimacy of any proceedings happening there, meaning you can have a good time without random thugs hurling abuse at you from neighbouring bars or the sidewalk. Sure, in the winter it may not be the most hospitable of place, but inside offers the couches and a multi-storeyed pub perfect for dates, birthday drinks and the Kiwi classic: the After-Work, Friday-Night Staff Drinks and Foolish Hook Up Session.

The piece-la-resistance however, is something we’ve left for last in this review: a huge map of New Zealand on the wall, made from a classic Kiwi style of carpet that you’re sure to remember from some point in your life, and cut entirely free hand. No computer cutting here. Just straight up Kiwi awesomeness.

David Bennett MP M P f o r h aM i l t o n east

Phone: 07 834 3407 Email: davidbennett@xtra.co.nz www.davidbennett.co.nz

www.national.org.nz

NEXUS NEWS ISSUE 04

Dodge this, bitch

By James Manning

Are you dodgy enough? Is Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story your favourite film? Do you like the idea of balls being used as weapons? Well look no further, the Speight’s Summit National Dodgeball series is here, and is on a quest to uncover the greatest dodgeballers in all of Aotearoa!

Kicking off on March 20th, the Speight’s Summit National Dodgeball series will be touring the country in search of strong armed

finest, as fans have been swarming the NZI Sevens Summitt Dodgeball Court since way back in 08, flocking at the chance to perfect their reflexes, ball handling and, erm, dodging skills.

Hitting all the major student cities of Auckland, Hamilton, Palmerston North, Wellington, Christchurch and Dunedin, the competition aims to find seven Dodgeballers, one ‘All Star’ from each city.

Scott Wilkin of Wellington. You can register in teams of four online for free, but is strictly R18.

So, for those jocks hungry to relive their glory days of branding everyone in the school gym, or those branded nerds begging for sweet, delicious revenge, head on down to the Hamilton Tournament of the series on March 21st at The Cook, 7 Cook St...

O wait, that’s right, by the time you’re reading this, the Hamilton Tournament will have been

kiwis to join the New Zealand ‘All Star’ team, going on to compete in the 7th annual Dodgeball World Champs in Las Vegas. No joke, this is actually happening.

While not a mainstream sport in this land, the common high school game seems to have struck a popular chord amongst our Nation’s

Although encouraged as a fun and ‘give-ita-go’ type sport, participants will be judged on skill (how many people you can pummel), sportsmanship (muscle-size), showmanship (root-factor) and smarts (lol). The six chosen from the competition will join ultimate ‘All Star’

done with, rendering this information and perhaps whole article useless. (Shot, Ed).

Don’t let that stand in the way of you and the title of #1 dodgeball team in the world though!

Troop on down to Palmy or Wellywood and defeat those posers on their own turf. Go on, make us proud!

Facebook Comments Cause Concern and Vocal Local bar staff defend workplace, go too far.

A Facebook “hate group” set up by a Hamilton student has lead to a war of words, both on and offline.

Local student Kiriana Watson, originally from Whakatane, was denied from Hamilton student bar, Bar 101, on the 20th of February this year, with the bouncer citing her tattoos as the reason for her denied entry.

Watson has a small pair of tattoos on her wrist, forming kitten’s paws.

John Lawrenson, owner of Bar 101, said in a phone interview that the tattoo ban was supposed to be for ‘sleeve’ style tattoos.

Lawrenson believes that sleeve tattoos are for the purpose of seeming tough.

“If they’re wanting to be tough, go be tough somewhere else”, Lawrenson told Nexus.

“If they’re not gang affiliated, what’s the problem?”, said Watson during a phone interview last week.

Several days after the Facebook group had been set up, Jeremy “Big Jay” Barrack, a prominent doorstaff member at Bar 101, went onto the group’s page and 8

posted messages such as “Fuck all of u haters” and telling the group’s members to “Fuck off” to other drinking establishments.

After the incident was reported in the Waikato Times, Mr Barrack’s boss, John Lawrenson, told him to remove the comments.

“I don’t agree with the language he used, but I support his sentiments” “If you want to set up a site and attack people, attack their livelihood and their place of employment, expect them to go on there and defend themselves. As is their right.”, Mr Lawrenson told the Waikato Times on the 13th of March.

The comment on the page was then apparently removed by Mr Barrack.

A separate comment was also left by Mr Barrack, which remained on the Facebook group’s page at the time of Nexus going to print.

Part of the comment read “Or go have fun getting fisted at other Bars LIKE the Outback!

Last week a girl got sexually assaulted there!!!”

Enquiries lead to claims that a female employee of Bar 101had, during this year’s O-Week festivities been sexual assaulted by revellers at the Outback Inn.

“I am really concerned if this did happen though and hope the girl comes to us”, said Russell Menzies, manager of the Outback Inn. “I’m more than happy to address the situation as long as I dealing with the patron involved and not the whole of Bar 101 so they can turn it into a media war” In response to “Big Jay’s” comments on Facebook, Menzies saw it as all part of being the biggest and longest running bar in Hamilton.

“It’s been their method to bad mouth us from the start with their opening campaign. So we made a conscious effort never to do the same and respect all competition. They forget we have been operating for 15 years and always had competitors”.

NEWS FROM NOWHERE ISSUE 04

INTERNATIONALISED NEWS BY GRANT BURNS

NATIONALIZED NEWS

Prank invasion

Thousands of people in Georgia were

Understandably, those who’d missed a

sent into panic when they saw a TV news report saying Russian tanks had invaded their capital and the president was dead last week.

But what they didn’t know was that the show on Imedi TV was a fake, aimed to show how events might unfold if the president were killed.

In the report, a presenter told how President Mikheil Saakashvili had been killed and Russian tanks were rolling into the country.

This was illustrated with archive footage from the 2008 war between Russia and Georgia and clips of grief stricken members of the public.

brief ‘this is fake’ warning at the start of the show, were sent into panic - mobile phone networks were overwhelmed and many people started to flee major cities.

Infamous or famous (depending on the way you look at it or if you watch South Park) evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins is in the country this week – and he wants us all to “grow up, don’t be so

It was only when normal programming was resumed after the 30 minute show that people realised it was a simulation and began to calm down.

The host of a talkshow which followed the faux war report said they apologised for any panic, adding: “We just wanted to show what the worst day in Georgian history might look like.”

Ahahaha now that’s a nation with a sense of humour – a sick sense of humour.

Michael Jackson is alive on paper Michael Jackson has just signed one of the biggest music deals in history.

Don’t adjust your Nexus, it’s not broken.

You heard right, Jackson, Michael has just signed a $250 million deal with Sony to release 10 albums over seven years. The albums will include hits, rerecorded, and unreleased songs.

The contract may be the largest record deal in history. Reports of over 31 million Jackson albums have been sold since his death on June 25. According to the Wall Street Journal, Jackson no longer has a soul. “The advances being paid by Sony are to be offset by sales of albums as well as revenue generated by licensing Mr. Jackson’s music for

Prominent Atheist says there is No God – tell me something I don’t know

uses like videogames, movies and theatrical performances.”

According to Forbes’ richest dead celebrities list, Jackson is number three with $90 million a year. It seems in death, just like in life, Jackson will never get to be the one he wanted. Haha now back to you Tom for some more PUNching puns about other dead celebrities who are “dying” to be on Forbes’ new list.

pathetic, and stop whining.”

A prominent Atheist, Richard Dawkins has labelled NZ Bus’ decision to reject the ad “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life” as silly and pathetic.

“It gives people something to think about, something to talk about.

I am, to say the least, not impressed with people who take offence to it, you can hardly ask for a more innocuous ... message,” said Dawkins.

NZ Bus had paid too much heed to those opposing the campaign, who were “probably just a few loud-mouthed people”, and it was outrageous that some Christians took offence to the message.

“They don’t know what’s in their own Bible, they think it’s all nice, they don’t know how horrible...it all is,” said Dawkins.

As a result, The New Zealand Atheist Bus campaign has been raising funds since last December to splash 24 buses with their controversial slogan. The ads were at first approved but later reject

by NZ Bus. The campaigners have since sought legal advice from the Human Rights Review Tribunal on whether to lodge a case against NZ Bus on the basis of discrimination.

Campaign spokesman Simon Fisher says NZ Bus has double standards and has conformed to religious pressure. “It really represents why this campaign is necessary in the first place, because it’s such a mild-mannered and positive statement [and opponents are] not comfortable having an alternative message put out there.”

“Who is this fragile God that needs defending from a message on a bus in New Zealand?”

Needless to say, Nexus fully supports the atheist bus ads in the sense that it’s part of freedom of speech. However, if you have seen the South Park episode with Richard Dawkins in it, although his ideas maybe rationally and scientifically correct, you don’t have to be a dick to everyone else who doesn’t think like you, it’s called understanding.

NEXUS NEWS ISSUE 04

Secret History of the World

The English Civil Wars 1641 - 1651

By Grant Burns “History is always written wrong, and so always needs to be rewritten.”

-George Santayana We do not enjoy our present freedom with having a painful past behind us. Up until the seventeenth century, it had been universally accepted in England that the King or Queen of the Royals had been chosen by God to lead England and the Royal family, and therefore have control over all her subjects, legislatures, and armies under the Divine Rights of Kings. At the time (1639), Charles I was King of England and he hadn’t called Parliament for over ten years. This was because if he did, then he would have to get into a debate with the Parliamentarians about reforming the Church of England. The King wanted the Church of England to become more Catholic, whereas the Parliamentarians wanted it to become more Protestant. Therefore, Charles I ruled without Parliament until he really needed them. However, none of this sat very well with a forty year old yeoman farmer who had just come into a considerable inheritance.

10

Power to the People “When you’re a tyrannical King for over a decade who shuns his Parliament, you don’t get much warm support. Instead, you get your head cut off – literally” In the 17th Century, England was not empire she is today, or at least was. England at this point in 1640, did not have control over Ireland, Scotland, America, India, or anywhere really; at this point they were not an empire, just a regular power hungry country. When Scotland invaded England (Charles I was also King of Scotland) in 1639, Charles I realised he needed an army to fight them and to build an army he would need taxes, and to get taxes he needed the support of his Parliament. However, when you’re a tyrannical King for over a decade who shuns his Parliament, you don’t get much warm support. Instead, you get your head cut off – literally.

The first war in the English Civil Wars (there were three all together) began in 1642 and lasted until 1646 when Charles I was caught and imprisoned. The opposing sides were the Royalists (supporters of the King) and the

Roundheads or the Parliamentarians (the average joes/ early democrats). On the side of the Royalists was Charles I and his men and on the Roundhead’s side there was the English army which was lead by Oliver Cromwell. To cut a long story short, the first English Civil War was won by the Roundheads (who had support from the Scots) and Charles I was imprisoned.

The Second English Civil War then began in 1648, when Charles I escaped imprisonment and the Scots reinvaded England. However, he was subsequently caught and brought to trial.

In the trial it was decided upon that Charles I was guilty of high treason as a “tyrant, traitor, murderer, and public enemy,” and should learn his punishment with a strict beheading. The Regicide of Charles I then turned England into a republic called the Commonwealth of England, controlled by the first ever Lord Protector and leader of the English army, Oliver Cromwell.

NEXUS NEWS ISSUE 04

Hero to the Britons, Tyrant to the Irish Oliver Cromwell is quite a contentious historical figure. Hate or praise for him can spark fierce debate depending on whether you are English or Irish or even Jewish. For example, Cromwell was voted as one of the Top Ten Britons of All Time in a 2002 BBC Poll, whereas you would still probably be shot for uttering his name in Ireland unless you hastily added “Fuck You” straight afterwards, like saying “Cromwell: Fuck You.” I’m sure you have your own opinion on

however this time most of the fighting took place in Ireland. The infamous battle in the conquest of Ireland was the Siege of Drogheda (this is where the myths from Cromwell breed from). On the September 11, 1649, Cromwell marched into the eastern Irish city of Drogheda and massacred the Royalists, but “accidently” killed innocent townfolk too – 2800 to be exact.

This event showed the brutality of Cromwell’s initiatives; clergyman, woman, and children had

monarchy was restored by Charles II. And who

Cromwell, and if you don’t, well I better explain what all the fuss is about.

Cromwell’s time as Lord Protector of the Commonwealth can best be described as a military dictatorship. The Third English Civil War (1649-1651) also known as the Cromwellian Conquest of Ireland, was once again a battle between Parliamentarians’ (the common man) vs. the Royalists (the high class, social elites)

all been massacred in the siege.

History doesn’t have a word limit, but I do. So, to wrap it up England stayed a Commonwealth until 1659, following Cromwell’s death.

As a result, the monarchy was restored in England which we now refer to as the English Reformation. After being buried at Westminster Abbey, Oliver Cromwell’s body was then dug up, paraded around, and beheaded once the

ever thought English history was just teadrinking sophisticated dragon-hunting? *By the way, I am quite aware that this sort of stuff is not secret history; however, when I hear someone in my Year 3 history class say “wouldn’t it just be easier for us to go back to Kings and Queens nowadays?” it implies to me that not everyone knows the importance of this event.

LIMITED TIME Can We Get Married?

Joe and Maria are New Zealand citizens who have lived in England for 2 years. They want to get married in New Zealand but can’t get back until just before the wedding. What are the legal requirements? There are several legal requirements.

12 month student gym membership

ONLY

$275

1. To get a licence you need to complete a Notice of Intended Marriage form (BDM 58) which includes a Statutory Declaration that there is no legal reason that you both cannot be married.

2. OR if one or both of you will be in New Zealand at least 3 working days before the ceremony you can sign the statutory declaration and have it witnessed by a Registrar of Marriages.

3. You need 3 working days before you can pick up a marriage licence. See the Department of Internal Affairs website for complete details.

The Hamilton Area Citizens Advice Bureau provides advice and information from four locations. They are at 55 Victoria Street, 70 Kent Street Frankton, at Garden Place and the Cowshed at the University.

They also have legal, advocacy and consumer services available where you can get more specialised help.

Ends 31 March 2010 Includes one exercise consultation, student id required, conditions apply

www.reccentre.co.nz

Off Peak 12 month option available for only $220!

11

RANDOM:EXEC

Execution With Jordan Bakerstein

It was, I admit, a little bit daunting having to interview someone with the title “President” on my first assignment. I even had nightmares about discovering George Bush was running our student union ‘At 9am, my alarm starts beeping. It takes a while, but eventually my brain

and helping out students,” and decided to run again, getting elected

recalls the necessary information: You are interviewing the WSU president at 9:30. I thank my brain, and decide to lie back down, close my eyes, just for a few more minutes…

as a director again in 2009, and then as our President for 2010. As Deni puts it, the WSU is an “independent student voice… we can bring student concerns to the university’s attention and not be intimidated or constrained by being part of the university.”

At 9:25 I awake with a start. I fall out of bed, grab the nearest items of clothing and rush out the door without even checking a mirror. Handy hint: If your wife (or anyone else for that matter) talks you into letting her paint your face, make sure you wash it off the very next morning before you interview prominent members of the student body.

At 9:40 I arrive at the WSU building and enter the office of Deni Tokunai, El Presidente of the WSU. He welcomes me into his office, and is kind enough not to mention the faded, half-smudged designs which unknown to me still adorn my face. I am off to a great start.

It was, I admit, a little bit daunting having to interview someone with the title “President” on my first assignment. I even had nightmares about discovering George Bush was running our student union. But when I got there I found Deni to be talkative, friendly and smiling (though the smiling may have had more to do with my unusual appearance that morning than any inherent friendliness).

It seems that Deni is our President more by chance than anything else.

After graduating high school in his home country of Papua New Guinea, his mother decided he would go to Waikato University to study. So, being the mama’s boy he is, that’s what he did. After two years studying law and management, all the while more or less ignorant as to the function of the WSU, one of his friends ran for President, signing Deni up to run as a director. Even though he was only running because his friend was, Deni was elected as a director in 2008. After a year immersed in student politics, he discovered he actually enjoyed the “interaction with students

12

I talked with Deni about the VSM bill which is causing much stress among student associations nationwide. I was expecting an answer to the effect if “it’s dumb, I don’t like it.” I was pleasantly surprised. It turns out that Waikato students need not worry. The shamans and mystics who live in the WSU basement have been sacrificing kittens and dropping peyote in order to communicate with the spirits (or as Deni put it “we have been talking to our lawyers.” I read between the lines), and a plan is in place.

The main goal of the WSU this year is to strive towards sustainability. This doesn’t mean they will start recycling, or wearing shirts woven from class “c” drugs, although there are those who would welcome this initiative.

This means that the WSU will be looking for other sources of sustainable income other than membership fees. A trust has been established with the dual purpose of protecting the WSU’s assets, and also, hopefully, generating an “income that will in about five to ten years will make up 80% of our income, ultimately leading to student association fees being free.” If this initiative succeeds it will mean the WSU will be able to operate without student’s money, and will survive regardless of whether or not the VSM bill is passed.

At 10:05 I leave the WSU building and stumble home for breakfast. I eat well, for I will need my strength. Tomorrow I am walking into the lion’s mouth. Tomorrow I am attending a real, full blown WSU weekly meeting. I am scared, but my unwavering sense of duty makes me brave. Will I find a room full of people in hooded robes chanting strange incantations? Or will they instead try to break my spirit with soul-crushing boredom? Only time will tell. Tune in next week for more EXECUTION…. Bum bum bum baah…

YOUR: WSU

Prez Says: The Impact of VSM on University of Waikato Students Over the last few weeks you may have heard talk about VSM (Voluntary Student Membership) and the Education (Freedom of Association) Amendment Bill.

I’m not interested in debating the political or ideological background or purpose of the Bill, nor am I interested in engaging with the pros or heralding the cons of the Bill. What I am interested in is explaining to you how this Bill will tangibly impact you here at Waikato. I think that it is important that you understand what you will lose as a student if the Bill passes.

provides. WSU has over 50 clubs representing 3,000 students. Good luck on asking the University for $50,000 every year.

No WSU means more expensive gym memberships. Currently, because WSU owns 50% of the gym, student memberships are heavily discounted (i.e. $275 for 12 months). With no WSU, you can expect to be charged a premium rate (i.e. $465 for 12 months).

No WSU means no WSU Welfare. WSU gives student hardship grants and loans to students finding life at university challenging. WSU gives free food vouchers and helps students pay their rent, power, internet,

Let’s assume the above Bill passes and receives the Royal Assent. What does this mean for WSU? It means there will be no WSU as we know it today. Ok, so WSU is now extinct. What does that really mean for you, a student?

No WSU means no O-Week. WSU invests over $100,000 into your O-Week every year to bring you the best social event on the University calendar.

No WSU means no independent student voice. WSU represents you and your concerns on 34 committees of the University. WSU advocates on your behalf and ensures that student input is accommodated for in terms of projects, planning, courses, tuition fees and service levies.

No WSU means no WSU Clubs. All clubs can apply for funding of up to $1000 per year and can use resources and infrastructure that WSU

and dentist bills.

No WSU means no Uni Games and no free Student Job Search (SJS).

WSU partly owns University Sport NZ and SJS. You will no longer have the chance to test yourself at both national and international levels; and no longer have access to a free student owned job service.

These are some of the few things that will directly impact you if the Bill passes. Please visit www.saveourservices.org.nz to send a submission.

Deni Tokunai WSU President president@wsu.org.nz

VP’s Speak Luke Claasen VP Maori Chur bay (greetings). I hope everyone has settled into their studies for the year. Only two more weeks until we are on break! I was at the Māori Info Day during O-Week and it was choice seeing all of the new Māori faces! Nau mai ki Waikato. The next Māori event is Hākinakina Inter-school Māori Sports Competition: this will be held in the first week back from mid-semester break on Wednesday 31st March 2010, 12pm-3pm on the Uni Fields & Courts (outside the Don Llewellyn’s). Marae Graduation is on Friday 16 April. This provides humbling motivation for us students to keep striving to attain our degrees. After that, Kīngitanga Day is on the April 21. If you are keen to be a kaimahi (volunteer) please email Tineka Wanakore

at tineka@waikato.ac.nz. For all information on all Māori events see the “Te Puna Tautoko Māori” link under “Student Life” on the University of Waikato website.

I can confirm that Te Huinga Tauira 2010 (National Māori Students’ Conference) is going to be held at Waiariki Institute of Technology in Rotorua this year during the mid-year break. Waikato is taking a huge roopu this year and if you are interested then please sign-up to the Waikato Māori Students’ Association. Email me at vpMāori@ wsu.org.nz if you want more information.

My role as VP Māori is to promote (1) enrolment; (2) retention; and (3) completion for Māori students.

While Universities promote enrolment, the retention and completion need to be advocated for so that Māori students can return to their whānau with qualifications. If you need help, there are structures in place to help you out. If you have questions about the help for Māori students or have any ideas about events for Māori students for 2010 email me vpMāori@wsu.org.nz.

Ngā mihi Luke Claasen

OPEN: 8.30am-4.30pm PHONE: 07 856 9139 WEB: www.wsu.org.nz 13

YOUR: WSU

The Vagina Monologues: Not just your Average Pussy

WSU Service Spotlight: Personal Advocacy As we’ve been telling you for the last few weeks now, the advocacy service is one of the key ways in which your student union levy is spent. Using the advocacy service is free for all University of Waikato students – so make sure you make use of our advocates when you need them!

Last week we looked at how our advocates can

A BIG THANK YOU to those wonderful people who came along to the audition session. We had a great turn out and managed to allocate key roles to interested people, as well as have discussion about the reasons for performing the monologues – for those who don’t know, the show is all about empowering women and raising awareness of violence against women and girls.

We are still keen to hear from anyone who wants to be involved, so if this sounds like your thing, email Kate at Italian.maggie@gmail.com ASAP. For those of you who want to know where you can see the show, here’s some dates for your diary: The Tauranga performance will be at Baycourt Community and Arts Center on Monday 26 April at 7:30pm. Hamilton performances will be in the Telecom Playhouse at the WEL Academy of Performing Arts at 7:30pm on Wednesday 28th, Thursday 29th and Friday 30th of April. Tickets will be on sale soon, so watch this space for details. Once they do go on sale, get in quick, as all of last year’s shows sold out.

For those who don’t know what the Vagina Monologues are: “The Vagina Monologues is a fundraising show that raises money for the charity ‘V Day’: A global movement to end violence against women and girls. The show is essentially a series of individual monologues written after the author, Eve Ensler, interviewed hundreds of women about their vaginas. From issues with hair and flooding to orgasm noises, The Vagina Monologues is the story of what we all know is really “down there”.

14

help you out with academic-related problems (anything to do with the university). This week, we’re going to have a look at what is known as ‘personal advocacy’. Personal advocacy is anything which you think you need some advice or support on. Obviously this is a huge area, so we’ll look at a few things where we can help you out.

Studylink-related problems are common. We quite often have students come and see us because Studylink have done something which the student either doesn’t agree with, or doesn’t understand. We can help in both circumstances, primarily by providing information about the various systems and processes, and also by giving Studylink a call (or writing a letter) on your behalf.

Tenancy problems are also common, and fortunately for you guys, tenancy is something we’re quite knowledgeable about. Whether it’s the fact that your landlord is refusing to fix your broken oven or you have problems because your landlord seems to think that you should pay 12 weeks rent as a bond into his or her personal

bank account (without a receipt), we can help you out, so come and see us.

Employment problems are also something we know a bit about too. There’s heaps of things we can help you with here, like discussing your contract with you, explaining your options to you if you’ve been fired (or made redundant), and talking you through procedures for complaints.

Remember, we are here for you. We can inform you, support you, and even represent you. And in those rare cases where we can’t provide you with too much help, we know who can, and we will find someone who will be able to help you.

And it’s all for free!

So next time you have an issue, use the WSU Academic Advocacy service. The very lovely Shannon Kelly, who is our full-time advocate, can be emailed at advocacy@wsu.org.nz or phoned on 07 856 9139. Or, if you’re in the neighbourhood, drop into the WSU reception and book an appointment to see her.

PICTURE LOG Vagina Monologues 2009

YOUR: WSU

Board talk: How has the WSU Board been working for YOU? The academic year has now well and truly started, and things have really been picking up down at the WSU Offices. A particular focus so far has been on policy: a lot of work has been made regarding the nittygritty aspects of the WSU Trust,

waikato.ac.nz if this sounds like you. Women’s Issues Officer Kate Magazinovic is busy organising the Vagina Monologues, which looks like it is going to be a blast.

The backyard cricket tournament will also be running down on the

Event Watch

which has taken up a substantial amount of time. Deni, Charlie, Luke and Dan have also started working on developing the WSU’s Strategic Plan for the next three years: watch this space for more info on this.

Village Green in Cultural Hour (Wednesdays from 1-2pm) for the next two weeks so come on down and enjoy a free sausage.

Sat 27 March WSU Sustainable Transport Challenge around Hamilton Balloons over Waikato Nightglow on the Uni Fields

We also have several events being planned at the moment for you to enjoy: Environment Officer Sam Lake, for instance, has been busy organising the Sustainable Transport Challenge.

He is looking for people who are keen to compete and win awesome prizes: email sjl36@students.

Directors have also been busy writing articles for the WSU pages in Nexus: a key goal this year is to use these pages more effectively to communicate useful information with you, so let us know if you have any feedback or would like to see something specific here. Either pop on down to the WSU reception, or email Charlie at international@ wsu.org.nz

Dates to put in your diary: Wed 24 March WSU Backyard Cricket Semi-Final on the Village Green

Wed 31 March WSU Backyard Cricket Final on the Village Green (Submissions on the VSM Bill close Today!)

Mon 26 April Vagina Monologues in Tauranga Wed 28 – Fri 30 April Vagina Monologues in Hamilton

Save our Services:The Threat of VSM If you’ve been reading Nexus for the last few weeks, then you’ll probably have a good idea about what VSM is and what it means.

In case you didn’t know, WSU is currently campaigning against the VSM Bill, which is currently before Parliament. This bill would impose Voluntary Student Membership on campuses across New Zealand.

The WSU believes, based on what happened in Australia (where VSM is now law) that this would result in: • Devastation to WSU Student Services (such as Advocacy) • Decreased funding for O-week, Nexus and Events

• Loss of funding for Sporting and Clubs • A threat to Student Representation This could ultimately impact on the quality of your education and tertiary experience.

We need your help to save our – and your – services. You can take action by emailing your MPS, or making a submission to the Select Committee. Go to www.saveourservices.org.nz to find out more information, including how to make a submission. Or come and see one of the WSU Directors: we’ll be down on the

Village Green every Wednesday in cultural hour. Submissions close 31st March. If you’re keen to make sure that your services are saved, make sure you come and see us.

OPEN: 8.30am-4.30pm PHONE: 07 856 9139 WEB: www.wsu.org.nz 15

FEATURE CULTURE

“I’m a transfer student from Auckland University

John Lawrenson, owner of Bar101, Furnace and

in part because of the drinking,” she says. “I think

The Helm as well as three other bars says the

it makes a difference not having a student bar on

issues seen in Hamilton don’t just belong to the

campus.”

environs of our fair city.

Auckland University has the student bar, Shadows.

“It’s consistent with the drinking culture nationally,”

“More students attend lectures here because they

he says. “People under 35 see alcohol as a tool to

can’t just sit in the bar and pass the day away. But

get intoxicated, smashed and more confident with

I think they are more lenient on drinking and that

the ladies. And they are getting intoxicated before

sort of behaviour here.”

they come into town. For the older crowd, it’s about

Campus Community Constable Nicholas

the drinking experience.”

Sickelmore says he is concerned by some of the

He says there is a real age split.

culture is part of the social fabric of this country.

behaviour of students when it comes to alcohol.

“The young crowd sees alcohol as a tool to get

But we also have to realise it can have devastating

“It is concerning for us when the focus of students

wasted,” he says. “How can I get as fucked up as I

consequences.”

is just to get drunk and they don’t think of the

can, as quickly as I can and as cheaply as I can?”

For all the claims of responsibility by alcohol

simple tasks like how to get home safely,” he says.

Lawrenson says he was recently speaking with a

producers and bar owners, this student points

“A good idea is to have money for drinking but also

young lawyer – she was under 30 years old – and

out that they have a vested interest in introducing

have money in another pocket for taxi or for the

she told him she drank a bottle of wine every night

students to alcohol and keeping them drinking.

bus.”

before going out.

“The beer barons have a huge vested interest

Sickelmore has developed a website for students

“A bottle of wine is seven standard drinks for a

in continuing our culture of drinking. They make

that outlines smart behaviour when it comes to

woman. That’s binge drinking. But, in a nutshell,

economic considerations not social ones.”

drinking. He also links to websites that can help

that’s how New Zealand drinks. Hamilton is so like

One student that has had to make a decision

students if they are concerned about their drinking

the rest of New Zealand, it’s a microbe sample.”

against the traditional student drinking culture is

habits.

Media coverage does play a part in how we

Diane Kailea. She moved here partly to get away

www.waikato.ac.nz/sasd/health/CampusCop/

understand the drinking culture in Hamilton, says

from her previous institution’s drinking culture.

Alcoholanddrugs.shtml

Lawrenson.

The number of women drinkers is on the

remained substantially the same (with

accepted social norm in New Zealand,

Six-hundred and twenty-six young

increase.

the exception of a 4 percent increase in

one that is shared by young people and

people aged between 12 and 17 years

- A 1998 national survey found that

male drivers aged 15-17 years).

adults alike.

and 1,157 adults aged 18+ participated

the proportion of women who reported

- In 2001, the number of women

feeling drunk once a week in 1998 had

admitted to hospital with severe alcohol

A 2004 alcohol use survey found that

Approximately 50 percent of all the

increased significantly from 1995.

poisoning surpassed men for the first

of those New Zealanders aged 12 to 65

young people surveyed stated that they

- Between 2000 and 2006 there has

time and kept climbing to 60 percent of

years who reported drinking within the

were drinkers. Of these:

been an increase in the number of

admissions in 2004.

12 month period:

• 14 percent reported drinking only a

single night-time road crashes where

- Research also shows that

• an estimated 24.7 per cent

few times a year, at home and mainly

alcohol is proven or suspected for all

approximately one-quarter of New

consumed large amounts of alcohol on

with their parents/whanau.

those aged under 35 years, but the

Zealanders who do drink, consume

a typical drinking occasion

• 22 percent reported drinking at least

most significant change is an increase

harmful amounts of alcohol on a typical

• 14.7 percent consumed large

once every two weeks and binge-

in female driver crashes in the 15-17,

drinking occasion.

amounts of alcohol at least once a

drinking with friends during weekends

18-24 and 25-34 age groups all of

- Research also suggests that this

week

and holidays for the social benefits of

whom have experienced increases of

binge-drinking behaviour is supported

• 9.5 percent had consumed enough

comradeship, a sense of belonging and

approximately 7 percent over the period.

by a general tolerance for drunkenness

alcohol to feel drunk at least once a

to boost confidence levels.

In contrast, over the same time period

and attitudes that drinking assists

week.

• 14 percent reported drinking at least

the percentage of crashes involving

with social interaction and relaxation.

male drivers in other age groups

Drinking excessively appears to be an

26

in an ALAC survey in 2003.

once a week (these respondents were

UNI GAMES PRE PARTY DATE: Thursday 25th March PLACE: Bar101 THEME: Tribal FOOD REQUIREMENTS: BBQ from 9pm BEVERAGE REQUIREMENTS: $4 Drinks (advertised from the student menu all night plus better deals on the night DOOR CHARGE: $2 for Non Unigames entries

Lettuce Smash! Kill! Detroy!

Write to Win! SEND LETTERS TO: Send your letters to editor@ nexusmag.co.nz

WEEKLY PRIZE: The letter which we choose to be the best each week wins a $20 Bennett’s voucher!

FORUM LETTERS: Letters may also be sent via the letters thread at forums. nexusmag.co.nz.

We always have space for more letters, whether it’s a complaint or a high five or

LETTERS POLICY: Nexus welcomes and encourages debate through the letters page, serious or not. Letters should be received by Wednesday 5pm on the week prior to publication.

We’ll print basically any letter, but the editor reserves the right to abridge or refuse correspondence.

We won’t correct your spelling and grammar either, so it’s up to you how much of an idiot you look like. Pseudonyms are okay (all correspondence must include your real name and contact details – they won’t be printed if you don’t want them to be). Send letters to nexus@waikato.ac.nz

18

Before I start insulting dear lil Samael, the author of ‘Chocolate Fish Suck’, his intelligence (or lack of), his fugly name and various members of his family I just want to thank him from the bottom of my heart for actually replying to my lettuce. Samael? You’re such a darl! You totally made my Monday as well as a couple of my friends Monday’s so thank you dearly. Now I’m hoping you’re not some duffus first year who’s only saying this because you’re taking too many Philosophy papers and already failing Religious Studies because that would be highly dissapointing. Any-who, let’s get to the fun part of the letter shall we?

I have never read so much crap in my life as I did when I read your letter. And that’s saying something because I’m majoring in Anthropology! ‘Folklore’? ‘Brainwashing?’ Honey did you eat some of your room-mates special brownies before you wrote that letter?! Geez!

You don’t even know what you’re talking about Samael and with a name like that we all know no girl is, what did you say, ‘putting out’ for you Christian or non-Christian. I’m a girl, I have a vadge, something you haven’t seen since your mom pushed you into this world, so I can speak up for my sex and say no girl would sleep with a person who gets off on hog-tying. Unless you’ve got a better argument than your last don’t waste my beloved Nexus’ time otae.

Now let’s see if those Psych papers I took last year worked. Why is Samael so antiGod/Christian? Hmmm could it be his daddy didn’t show him enough love while he was a tiny, wee tike? Or perhaps his daddy plus his uncle Chester the molester showed him a bit too much lovin’! That could explain his ‘Boo hoo, the world sucks, there is no God, cry cry’ attitude. Whatever the case, you have obviously been meeting up with ‘A Loving Theist’ on Friday

nights down Cassabella Lane too often or you need to put away your Davinci Code book and actually know what you’re talking about!

Christianity in all its different forms is a beautiful thing and the people I know and have met are beautiful people. You say there is no definitive proof that God exists. This is true.

Touche. However, prove to me that he doesn’t.

Go on, I’m listening. If you can prove that to me than I will personally pat you on the back.

However, think about this if your pride is still intact and you’ve gotten this far into my letter. If someone came up to you and ask you to explain to them the taste of salt, what would you say?

That it’s salty perhaps? Naw that doesn’t explain it at all! So what would you say Samael, knower of all the unanswerable questions in this universe?! Educate me, what would you say? That’s like a religious person being asked to explain or justify their beliefs. They can’t put it into words they just know it’s real and douchebags like you and ‘A Loving Theist’ need to know what you’re talking about before you start mouthing off in my favourite mag!

So the moral of this story is kiddies: leave religious folk alone or, because I have nothing better to do with my Monday’s, I’m just going to keep writing in until you get it through your thick, first-year skulls to back off. Oh and Samael dearest one more thing. Your uncle Chester told me he’ll catch up with you when we get down to hell.

Mwah mwah!

P.S. Have you heard of the teleological argument ‘A Loving Theist’? Naw I didn’t think so.

P.S.S This is my third lettuce Nexus. Can I win the voucher now?!

Kimbo M

Come pick up your $20 Bennetts book voucher at the Nexus office in the WSU Building.

YOUR: LETTUCE

Txts to the Editor!

Busted! (Doing Nothing) I picked up my nexus magazine today and excitedly flicked to the back page to see chicks kissing, drunken favours and vomitting.

Unfortunately my sadistic voyeurism was not satisfied. I fear that the Busted! page in the nexus is failing abysmally. It’s now just filled with good looking people smiling, (at the same party/club in most cases) who are only everso-slightly inebriated. I even saw the same guy doing uninteresting things twice! Where did the shameful first-years of the yester-year go? Surely they still exist! According to your TIPS101 Kristov is still selling at $9 a bottle,

and the ever-faithful Bernadino at $8. Is the recession worse than I feared? Are students really not ending up hideously pissed, half naked, vivid-covered with dried vomit in interesting places on their jeans?

Lies. Of course they are. More likely the photographer/s for the busted page are getting some sick kick out of seeing people they know in the nexus and preventing me from getting my sick kick out of seeing people I don’t know. Bring back people who don’t want to be found on the page!

Sick Perve-ess

Dear “A Loving Theist”

Literacy is for Cocks

I don’t know which dictionary you’re looking at, but the one I am looking at defines Theism as “belief in the existence of gods or a God”. Therefore, I believe you should be calling yourself “A Loving Atheist” from now on, as Atheism, according to my dictionary, is “disbelief in the existence of God or gods”. So, unless you are being deliberately ironic, get it right next time, won’t you?

Sincerely, The Perfectionist

i reckon peeps should stop with teh religion bashing... i picked up my mag today and saw at least 2 letters about religion. i m not a fan of god or anything but i reckon it would offend people seeing all that anti christ shit in the mag every week. everyone knows its not real but if they choose to believe it to keep themselvs happy, i dont give a shit. as long as theyre not forcing it onto me, im fine with religion, and i dont think anyone should be forcing atheism onto anyone through the mag either ur just doing what the christians do with their chocolate fish... it is funny to read it in Nexus though. lol Squeek

P.S. Acknowledge quotes you use with properly referenced footnotes, or else you will be accused of plagiarism!

Nexus now has a non-new TXT-in service! Send Letters to the Editor - via text - to 021 235 8436.

Don’t forget: You can send Busted pictures in by pxt! Send us your best snaps of you or your mates in Busted-type situations to 021 235 8436.

Get a load of this shit...

Just the other day, I was talking to a chick at Uni. Somewhere along the conversation she whips out a rant about how unfair girls have it. She tells me about sleeping with all the wrong guys and shit. I’m thinking she’s being melodramatic while keeping an ear out for our boring lecturer. She then points out that if a girl sleeps around she’s a slut but if a guy does it he’s a stud. I think about this for a moment. After a while I am annoyed of hearing her voice so I tell her this: “Think of a guy’s penis as a key. Every guy has a key, yes?

Well now, think of your pussy as a lock. Yours is obvious very rusty by now. Okay. Get a mental picture now. You’re lock is a very, very bad lock because so many different keys can unlock you.

Hence, you’re a slutbag. Now picture this – a magical key that can unlock all these different types of locks. Black locks, white locks, tight locks, huge locks.... yellow locks? That gotta be a good key, don’t you think?” After that she didn’t say anything or maybe she just couldn’t find the words.

Random Pants Chou

THE NEXUS LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $20 BOOK VOUCHER FROM BENNETTS WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP!

PH 07 856 6813

FAX 07 856 2255

ADDRESS Gate 5 Hillcrest Road

WAIKATO UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

EMAIL wku@bennetts.co.nz 19

YOUR: LETTUCE

Does my door say convert me please?

Song of a Drunken Student

Why do Religious people feel the need to try and knock on my door and sell me their saviour. Last time I checked I don’t need saving considering the NRL has started again and I have Ben Matulino’s hits to give me a warm fuzzy feeling and a sense of belonging. Religious people piss me off. Door to door sales are not classy, and you people are dirty liars. You say you want to improve my standard of living, but really you want my wallet and the vast sums of money inside it, assuming I’m heaps rich. This one time I was really bored so I decided to read the

something so awesome, so gnarly, he had to then create us to accommodate his previous invention, so he could marvel at it in its prime. He now had the dankest thing since a Pre Schooler invented smell the cheese, except it wasn’t ‘since’ because Pre Schoolers were invented after the hair., but you get what I mean. God then had to invent the

Bible, which for those of you who don’t know, is this interesting narrative about this badass cat named God (he is badass because O and G make up the majority of his name, making him more awesome than Mr. T) and how he created some pimp daddy stuff in a very small time frame. The reason I don’t like religious people is because I am always having their select way of believing crammed down my throat. Why can’t everyone just believe there is a higher being, and leave it at that. There are so many different types of religion with different views and traditions, so I decided to make my own religion up out of nowhere (watch out Scientology, you have a contest for mindless boorish retards on your hands) to give those who are a little more suspicious a viable option to believe in. In my book I am now writing, I am trying to keep as many things as possible the same as most religions. There is a God, and he did create a lot of stuff, but the things he created and the order in which they came about is a little different.

For instance, I am almost positive God created Lava Lamps before anything else, so he had some mega cool funky light patterns to work with. He was a crazy lad, and on the second day he did something even Nostradamus couldn’t have foretold. God invented hair. Not the wiener type of hair that gets parted into an emo fringe, but the manly hair that grows on your chest or jaw line, or on the back of your head which forms into the sexiest thing a man can have: the mullet. The simple truth is God hadn’t even created human beings at this stage. He had created

alphabet, the A-Team (because he enjoyed, or knew he WOULD enjoy the exploits of B.A Baracus and Mr. T) and the English language so he could come up with the concept of manliness to describe hair, along with adjectives like masculine, mannish, grizzly, and of course, sexy. The probability of God inventing hair so early in his career (yes God had a career, unlike people such as Lisa Lewis) is plausible too, because he knew how much the ladies loved it and how important it was.

Chest hair keeps a man warm at night and women love curling up in it. Facial hair is good for pulling women, scratching small children violently and holding pieces of unfinished food for a later date. God really spared no expense as he invented this badass concoction, and then busted everyone’s chops by invented the colour ginger. Ginger beards took the world by storm, adopted mainly by Vikings, who stomped everyone raped and pillaged, rode on boats that looked like dragons and shat on everyone’s customs. Cool. Shit you guys may as well give me my own weekly column in this magazine so I can stomp on everything and piss lots of people off. Sure, they’ll hate your magazine, but at least you can laugh at them for reading it. So next time religious people come to my door, I’ll have my novel ready for them to buy. I’ll also say something really cool to them like “subscribe to this” followed by a snap kick even Raiden from Mortal Kombat would be jealous of. Or maybe the next time someone knocks on my door trying to sell me shit it’ll be that KY Jelly saleswoman. I’ve almost run out.

Weal Boi

$24 Haircuts Male & Female Colours on consultation

Stockist of 20

Bring me beer an’ whiskey And to you I will sing, Of students, there bars and a vice A vice we call drinking Some male students can be so dumb Ya really gotta weep No surprise though, half of them There mothers, they were sheep The lady students need a mention They all think they got smarts But when it’s time to go to town They dress like fucking tarts Now them Nymphos, ones gotta ask Once they’re rid of the clap, Why the hell do they always Keep it coming back?

The student bars, I gotta say Pass themselves off well The only thing they never say Is how bad they smell And so we get on to the booze We know when we’ve had too much.

Cos if we should attempt to stand, We spill our bloody guts.

However now, I gotta say If ye be pale or brown There ain’t a place with such a rep As our own H-town.

Snowy

Open: Monday - Friday 9:30 - 4pm Phone: 07 856 9154 Email: campuscuts@xtra.co.nz Campus Cuts is on

YOUR: LETTUCE

My Hope is that He’s Not The Guy Sitting in a lecture on monday morning, the “blonde bitch” turned to me and said “have you read this?” - She at the time wasn’t in a tartan skirt.

I couldn’t believe it! I laughed so hard, after I regained my composure i gleefully reread the the letter and thought “i must respond to this poor angry little girl” If I see you around campus we can arrange to meet up and have a coffee!

I can then give you the full picture the little details you missed, such as us ending up chatting to the “old-ass” lecturer who was actually our lecturer last year, and my friend the “weird bitch” in front of you, who you’ve managed to alienate while try to get me.

If you had controlled your judgement for just a little longer you would have noted these tiny little details, leaving you looking like an angsty little brat.

I’m happy to hear you voice your misinformed opinion and i am thrilled to see someone speak their mind, although your method was passiveaggressive and cowardly, it was better than most people , staying quiet, talking behind peoples backs and pretending to like each other. I beseech you all, to speak up tell tag-a-longs that you’ve never really liked them- tell your girlfriend “yes it does make your arse look big”. if you can respect your fellow men and women, respect them enough not to lie to them, life is too short to not speak your mind! Life is too short to pretend liking people you hate! Both people you like and people you dislike still deserve the truth!

YES YOUR ARSE IS FAT! I’M TRYING TO PLAY FF13!

Love, Andre the mocha Giant

Some Afrikaans Git. With Great Cigarette Taste.

Dear Ed, What’s the matter with you? People trust you, they look up to you. You are a figure in the spotlight, a role-model. Then you go and do something like this? It’s reprehensible.

People will follow your example, so when you go and quit something, you are teaching the poor impressionable masses that quitting is something they should do. You are teaching them that being a quitter is good.

Seriously, what’s the matter with you? And then to make things worse, you gathered a group of co-conspirators to help in your disillusionment of the youth.

Look, okay, I get it. It’s hard work being good at smoking. But that doesn’t mean you should quit just because you haven’t reached perfection yet. You need to keep at it. Practice makes perfect. Eventually, if you keep at it and stop being a quitter, you will get there. Stiff upper lip and all that, what what.

So how about it Ed? You going to get back on the horse? Make a good go of it? I think it’s the least you can do considering the damage you have already done to all those that read your last editorial.

G. Smith

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Student/staff discount, just mention this ad. Ph Lenny at Lifestyle Lawns (07) 8501871 or 0275331033. Lenny@ lifestylelawns.net.nz

WANT SOME MONEY! Want to make some money and drink as much piss as you want? Then this job is for you! A local cricket club want two girls to accompany them on their end of season bus tour, acting as bar maids. The trip is on the 10th of April and will kick off at 10am, going to about 10pm.

You’ll have the run of the drinks and get paid for your time! For more info, contact rayjamesnz@ gmail.com as quick as you can, because this job is going to get taken pretty fast.

DRUMMING ANYONE 3/4 Moon Drum Circle Friday 26th March, University of Waikato, 7:00pm, Entry: Free Hosted by: Ken McNeil Fun, friendly group drumming for anyone interested in hand drumming and percussion.

Everyone welcome, no experience neccessary.

Firedancers and dancers welcome too. Please see our Facebook page for full venue details: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=wal l&gid=193081065618 OR email Corinna at: maclongshanks@gmail.com

Spend $20 and recieve 10% off When you bring your student ID

Order Online: www.littleindia.co.nz

HOURS Lunch: Monday-Friday 11:30am-2:00pm Dinner: Everyday from 5:00pm PHONE 07 838 1620 ADDRESS 4 Alexandra St 21

22

FEATURE ALCOHOL FEATURE CULTURE

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FEATURE CULTURE

I’m not drunk,

I’m awesome.

By Debrin Foxcroft

Alcohol.

But is Hamilton and it’s students

that sign above the bar. They served

Love it, hate it or just plain imbibe

really as bad as the media has

me, they served my friends and we

it, if you live in Hamilton there is

painted it? Are we a campus of

were all wasted.”

simply no way to miss the liquid

drunks? And, considering the culture

David says it has been a challenge to

goodness and it’s occasionally nasty

of drinking that has prevailed over

get out of his established routine.

consequences.

the decades, are students doing

“I started to play sport to get out of it.

It’s hard to miss the approximately

anything now that is new or different?

There’s no time for drinking.”

260 licensed premises scattered

Psychology student Mark David was

It seems the frequency of drinking, in

across our fair city. It’s also hard

in the halls last year.

par, depends on the location.

to miss the bars that dominate

Residents in 2009 managed to make

Computer Science student James

Victoria St, Knox St, Hood St and

it the worst for drinking in four years,

Lord is still waiting for the drinking

Alexandra St, the shattered glass

he explains.

to kick in. He’s looking forward to

on the footpath after the weekend,

“I fell into a bit of alcoholism,” he

moving from a family home into a flat

the splatters of puke and the taxi’s

says. “Every Thursday we would

to really get the party started.

ferrying people of all ages to and

get on the piss, and every Friday as

“So far there hasn’t been enough

from the CBD on Saturday nights.

well. Then we would start drinking at

alcohol, I’m looking forward to more.”

And then there are the drunks. In

around 1 p.m on Saturday and keep

But not everyone shares Lord’s

Garden Place, on bridges and down

drinking until we went into town. We

enthusiasm for a fine drop.

by the river. It is defiantly hard to miss

were definitely drunk by the time we

One adult student, who didn’t want to

all of them.

got there.”

be named, questioned the prevailing

Read some of the local media, and

The weekly routine was expensive.

attitudes towards drinking.

it’s also hard to miss the headlines;

“I would easily spend $80 a week in

“When has drinking and learning

“Publican slams Hamilton’s booze

town,” he says.

ever gone together?” she asks. “I

culture”, “Booze push draws critics”,

But despite stumbling his way along,

don’t live in Hamilton and I’m not

“Booze ban a sobering idea”.

he says he was still served even

part of the social networks here but

It would seem that not a lot of work

more alcohol.

I have seen what goes on. Alcohol

gets done at the University because

“It’s bollocks when bar owners say

can be devastating. Sure, we have

we’re all drinking our days away.

they don’t serve drunks, you know,

to face the fact that the drinking

25

FEATURE CULTURE

“I’m a transfer student from Auckland University

John Lawrenson, owner of Bar101, Furnace and

in part because of the drinking,” she says. “I think

The Helm as well as three other bars says the

it makes a difference not having a student bar on

issues seen in Hamilton don’t just belong to the

campus.”

environs of our fair city.

Auckland University has the student bar, Shadows.

“It’s consistent with the drinking culture nationally,”

“More students attend lectures here because they

he says. “People under 35 see alcohol as a tool to

can’t just sit in the bar and pass the day away. But

get intoxicated, smashed and more confident with

I think they are more lenient on drinking and that

the ladies. And they are getting intoxicated before

sort of behaviour here.”

they come into town. For the older crowd, it’s about

Campus Community Constable Nicholas

the drinking experience.”

Sickelmore says he is concerned by some of the

He says there is a real age split.

culture is part of the social fabric of this country.

behaviour of students when it comes to alcohol.

“The young crowd sees alcohol as a tool to get

But we also have to realise it can have devastating

“It is concerning for us when the focus of students

wasted,” he says. “How can I get as fucked up as I

consequences.”

is just to get drunk and they don’t think of the

can, as quickly as I can and as cheaply as I can?”

For all the claims of responsibility by alcohol

simple tasks like how to get home safely,” he says.

Lawrenson says he was recently speaking with a

producers and bar owners, this student points

“A good idea is to have money for drinking but also

young lawyer – she was under 30 years old – and

out that they have a vested interest in introducing

have money in another pocket for taxi or for the

she told him she drank a bottle of wine every night

students to alcohol and keeping them drinking.

bus.”

before going out.

“The beer barons have a huge vested interest

Sickelmore has developed a website for students

“A bottle of wine is seven standard drinks for a

in continuing our culture of drinking. They make

that outlines smart behaviour when it comes to

woman. That’s binge drinking. But, in a nutshell,

economic considerations not social ones.”

drinking. He also links to websites that can help

that’s how New Zealand drinks. Hamilton is so like

One student that has had to make a decision

students if they are concerned about their drinking

the rest of New Zealand, it’s a microbe sample.”

against the traditional student drinking culture is

habits.

Media coverage does play a part in how we

Diane Kailea. She moved here partly to get away

www.waikato.ac.nz/sasd/health/CampusCop/

understand the drinking culture in Hamilton, says

from her previous institution’s drinking culture.

Alcoholanddrugs.shtml

Lawrenson.

The number of women drinkers is on the

remained substantially the same (with

accepted social norm in New Zealand,

Six-hundred and twenty-six young

increase.

the exception of a 4 percent increase in

one that is shared by young people and

people aged between 12 and 17 years

- A 1998 national survey found that

male drivers aged 15-17 years).

adults alike.

and 1,157 adults aged 18+ participated

the proportion of women who reported

- In 2001, the number of women

feeling drunk once a week in 1998 had

admitted to hospital with severe alcohol

A 2004 alcohol use survey found that

Approximately 50 percent of all the

increased significantly from 1995.

poisoning surpassed men for the first

of those New Zealanders aged 12 to 65

young people surveyed stated that they

- Between 2000 and 2006 there has

time and kept climbing to 60 percent of

years who reported drinking within the

were drinkers. Of these:

been an increase in the number of

admissions in 2004.

12 month period:

• 14 percent reported drinking only a

single night-time road crashes where

- Research also shows that

• an estimated 24.7 per cent

few times a year, at home and mainly

alcohol is proven or suspected for all

approximately one-quarter of New

consumed large amounts of alcohol on

with their parents/whanau.

those aged under 35 years, but the

Zealanders who do drink, consume

a typical drinking occasion

• 22 percent reported drinking at least

most significant change is an increase

harmful amounts of alcohol on a typical

• 14.7 percent consumed large

once every two weeks and binge-

in female driver crashes in the 15-17,

drinking occasion.

amounts of alcohol at least once a

drinking with friends during weekends

18-24 and 25-34 age groups all of

- Research also suggests that this

week

and holidays for the social benefits of

whom have experienced increases of

binge-drinking behaviour is supported

• 9.5 percent had consumed enough

comradeship, a sense of belonging and

approximately 7 percent over the period.

by a general tolerance for drunkenness

alcohol to feel drunk at least once a

to boost confidence levels.

In contrast, over the same time period

and attitudes that drinking assists

week.

• 14 percent reported drinking at least

the percentage of crashes involving

with social interaction and relaxation.

male drivers in other age groups

Drinking excessively appears to be an

26

in an ALAC survey in 2003.

once a week (these respondents were

FEATURE CULTURE

How can I get as fucked up as I can, as quickly as I can and as cheaply as I can?

“The Waikato Times does focus on it.”

I think that’s one of the biggest shifts I’ve seen in

Russell Menzies, manager and part owner of the

the last few years.”

Outback Inn agrees there has been a shift in the

If anything is going to improve, says Menzies, it

drinking culture of young people since he was at

needs to start with the price.

university.

“We need to narrow the gap between the

“I think it really started to change when they

price of buying beer in bars and buying beer in

started selling alcohol in supermarkets – a dollar a

supermarkets. The $1 a beer just means people

beer sort of stuff.”

are drinking more unsupervised. Maybe we need to

Menzies says there has always been a binge

make it R20 to buy in places like supermarkets but

drinking culture in New Zealand, but drinkers are

keep it at R18 in bars where there are trained staff

just become more cost-savvy.

there to look after them.”

“They are drinking hard in the three hours before

Even with these measures, no one really believes

they come to town, they are binge drinking

going to change, least of all those who have drunk

unsupervised and then coming into town with no

in excess and recovered.

money and using it as a time to pick up someone.”

“It’s just the way it is,” says David, the psych

He says one of the other features of Hamilton’s

student.

drinking culture is the increase of female drunks.

What do you think? Is Hamilton a city of drunks

“I’ve noticed girls going out in packs and drinking.

or it this all just a load of hot air from people

They are trying to drink as much as the boys but

who don’t know how to enjoy a fine drop? Write

don’t really have the physical stamina to handle it.

us a letter and be in to win a $20 Bennetts book voucher.

typically male and frequently consumed

tended to be full-time wage and salary

alcohol it made it easier to meet and

alcohol to get drunk).

earners with above average incomes

get to know people and 67 percent

and had children in their households).

indicated that alcohol helped them to

Approximately 80 percent of all adult

wind down and relax.

respondents in the 2003 ALAC survey

The 2003 ALAC survey also found that

were drinkers. Of these:

New Zealand’s drinking culture was one

ALAC’s draft National Annual Attitudes

• 29 percent reported drinking only a

where many:

Survey for November 2008 found that:

few times a year (these respondents

• New Zealanders tolerate drunkenness

• two thirds (63%) of all adult drinkers

were typically female and/or older.

(e.g. 41 percent of all people surveyed

reported that they have ever consumed

• 23 percent reported drinking at least

indicated that they believed it was OK to

seven or more drinks on a single

once a week and binge-drinking (these

get drunk as long as it’s not every day

occasion, while one fifth (18%) reported

respondents were typically under 40

and almost one-in-ten drinkers admitted

that they have done so in the last two

years of age, full-time wage and salary

that they drink to get drunk)

weeks, and one quarter (24%) on the

earners and had young children in their

• drinkers appear to exercise little self-

last occasion.

households)

control when drinking.

• one quarter (25%) of all adult New

• 29 percent reported drinking regularly

• drinkers view alcohol as a social

Zealanders identify as binge drinkers.

(often every day) and binge-drinking,

lubricant and relaxant. For example

mainly to unwind and for a buzz (these

42 percent of all drinkers surveyed

Source: http://www.alcohol.org.nz/

respondents were typically Pakeha and

indicated that when they consumed

NZStatistics.aspx

27

Scott Townsend Memorial

Puzzle Page Brought to you by Skycity Cinemas

WHAT TO DO

Be the first into Nexus with all the words found and win a double freaking pass to the movies! Holy mackerel and poo in my pants! What a prize!

BOOZE LIQUOR BEER WINE VODKA

28

DRUNK WHORE MANWHORE FARTS BOOZEPOO

BARF VOMIT HEADACHE COMPLETE ASSHOLE

THE MAN AWESOME SPEW BINGE LAW CHANGE

THREEWAY DATE RAPE PROBLEM DRINKING CULTURE

OUTBACK ARONEOHONE BAHAMA HUT PIE LAB HOUSE BAR

COLUMNS:OTHER

Any questions you want covered? crevocafe@gmail. com

TIPS101

Crevo Café

Lecture 3:

What the heck are Endogenous Retroviruses?

One of things that Charles Darwin didn’t know when he formulated his Theory of Evolution was what genes were or how they worked. He figured out traits were passed onto offspring, and they weren’t always the same, but he wasn’t sure exactly why. This didn’t stop his idea from functioning. We still don’t know exactly how gravity works but nobody questions that things tend to fall if you drop them.

Years later, when DNA was discovered, it only served to strengthen Darwin’s theory. Genetic similarities could no be used to plot the relationships of animals and even the geographic path their migrations took.

But it’s not just our genes that tell stories. Evolution also picked up some sneaky hitchhikers.

Viruses are sneaky things. They’ll do anything to replicate, but they can’t do it themselves. Most use host cells to create more viruses.

Some found an even sneakier method: writing their code into the code of another organism. All living things have a chain of DNA, their genetic makeup. Endogenous retroviruses insert themselves into DNA code of reproductive cells, such as eggs or sperm. When the offspring is born, the virus code is in its genes. It doesn’t necessarily do anything.

In fact the best thing it can do is be harmless. Because when that creature reproduces, its children will have the same sneaky code. All its ancestors will. Like a coffee ring on a photocopy, it will live on. Don’t be freaked out. You have lots of them. All humans do.

So why are these viruses evidence of evolution? Well these viruses leave have a specific DNA code that can be recognized. It’s not just a coffee ring; it’s a unique coffee ring. Imagine the common ancestor of human and monkeys getting that code inserted in his genes. We would then expect both monkeys and humans to have that same code in the same place in our DNA. And we do. But it gets better. If monkeys get another ERV after we separate, they will have it and we won’t. And the more our line of apes branches off, the more similar we become.

So we would expect to have quite a few ‘coffee rings’ in common with chimpanzees, our closest relatives, a few less with the other great apes, less still with monkeys, less still with other mammals. And in each case it is what we find.

Retroviruses only exist to self replicate. But the trail they provide gives us remarkable evidence about the history of life on earth.

By Hollie Jackson

Best places to get cheap furniture in Hamilton.

Awesome new flat but only a dodgy chair you found on the side of the road and a couple beer crates for furniture? Fret no more little destitute one! For I know places of outlet where real furniture is good and cheap! Listen to me.

Waikato Second Hand Centre, 441 Anglesea St. This is the first place I’d look for second hand furniture. They’ve got loads, and I mean loads, of crap. Their massive shop is nearly packed to the ceiling with beds, washing machines, T.Vs... You name it, I’m sure they’ve got it somewhere.

The Salvation Army, Barton St (opposite JBHIFI). This Salvation Army shop has a bit of furniture but they’re always getting new stuff in, so if you can’t find what you want now, keep going back to see what’s new. They also have a good range of kitchen stuff; heaps of cutlery, pots and pans, glasses etc. Just give them a good wash before you eat anything off them.

Hospice Waikato, 900 Victoria St. According to the Nexus editor’s wife, this place has loads of good furniture for cheap (she should know, all our flat’s furniture is hers).

The Dump, Greenwood St. This place is awesome. You can find beds, T.Vs, drawers, BBQs and nearly everything else people want to throw away but is still in good enough nick here.

Garage sales are also a bargain hunter’s playground. Drive around your neighbourhood on Saturday mornings and you’ll be likely to find cardboard signs on power polls directing you to a sale nearby.

Worst comes to worst and really don’t have enough money, even for the dump, walk down May or one of the surrounding streets and you will come across plenty of furniture that people are, literally, throwing away. You have to be fast though, if it’s still out there by nightfall, it will be set on fire by drunken first years.

with Crevo

29

COLUMNS:OTHER

Loud American’s

The Idiot Report

S’orbi Cafe: 1/180 Peachgrove Rd., Enderly

“330 words you lazy fuck!” That’s what the editor’s been yelling at me all week. Last week I gave him 500 plus, this week I’m gonna attempt

With Mackenzie McCarty

With Homeless Chinese Brother #1!

“Well, this is awkward,” I think to myself as I realize the only other table of customers in the cafe has just left. Having forgotten the uni work I’d intended to do whilst here, I try to relax and simply enjoy the experience of discovering a wonderful new cafe and being delivered fabulous coffee and beautiful food.

to get exactly 330. What’s the word count so far? Thirty-seven?

Sweet, no wait, that’s forty-two now. Forty-four… hyphenated words count as one right? Anyway, onto the Idiot Report …

My coffee arrives first - and it is a visual work of art. Chocolate is splashed decoratively up the insides of the glass, and there seems to be the perfect amount of froth resting at its zenith. The whole thing is layered perfectly, like one of those expensive cocktails you get on holiday in the Islands. I’m excited, which makes it even more disappointing when the taste is so bland and watery that I am reminded strangely of old ladies’ living rooms, dust coated furniture, and stale biscuits when I taste this drink. After about four sips I push it aside in disappointment.

O-week happened and yes, there was no shortage of idiots all over the damn place, but that’s kinda to be expected. No singular idiot stood out for me and at most were just the usual hum drum bunch of fools “being so totally awesome cause we don’t live with our mums anymore and can stay out as long as we want.”

Next, breakfast arrives- poached eggs on five-grain toast for $9. Now, I’ve seen fantastic things done in cafes with such a simple dish: garlic butter, fancy little salads on the side, spicy salsas and (only in America) maple syrup and sausage. This, however, I could have made at home for a fifth of the price, and probably could have improved upon. The toast is rustic and thick, coated in pumpkin seeds and grains, which would be great except that it’s accompanied solely by two sad little poached eggs and a potlette of foul tasting chutney. That’s it. No spices, herbs, or yummy condiments- nothing to say “this is cafe food, not something your mom tossed onto your plate before school when you were eleven and about to miss the bus.”

However, credit where credit is due: S’orbi uses fair trade coffee, and even though they don’t prepare it well, that still deserves a thumbs up. Also, the service was speedy and nice. So I suppose if you happen to live next door, have a wad of money you don’t mind spending, and can’t be bothered opening the Weetbix box...maybe?

Fuck, I got nothing.

Strangely, I can understand and have no problems with o-week. Fact is, most folks have been quite courteous in their drinking and partying and haven’t made too much of a twat-theatre of themselves. They’re been the odd few that have sullied the reputation of student-benderweek, but that’s too be expected and not really that much of an accomplishment. Making the act of half a body of students getting drunk for a whole week look bad is like dragging dog turd through mud or listening to Nickelback.

And let’s face it, alcohol is awesome. It’s been around for as long as civilization and probably longer (I just know those dinosaurs were getting shitfaced daily) and it gives one an excuse to do all sorts of retarded things they normally wouldn’t do (but secretly are that retarded to want to).

So while there’s no official idiot this week, I’m just gonna put you students officially ‘on notice’ for now and hope you’ve gotten all the stupid out of your system and keep your drunkenomics indoors, cause being pissed on the streets is stupid.

What’s the word count now? 308? Right, some filler to reach 330…

Cock. Cock. Cock. Cock. Cock. Cock. Cock. Cock… Arthur Robinson.

Suck it editor! Exactly 330!

30

COLUMNS:OTHER

Fishy Smell of War Blair Is Ace

By General Cyrillious

with Blair Monrovia

Many consider Sun-Tsu’s Art of War considered as the classic text on warfare. Many also think that Communications, Marketing and Tourism Management count as real majors. Many are dumb, and fail to see the truth.

Everyone is a critic. Everywhere you look, people are offering their opinions on things that have absolutely nothing to do with them. The internet is full of websites where people bitch about whatever pops into their otherwise empty skulls. Admittedly, I also do this, but I have a column, and people (against their better judgement) actually read the thing.

Recently, through a series of Da Vinci Code-like investigations I discovered the secret meaning of the Art of War, and just like Dan Brown, I have see now that it was about the feminine secret…or at least how to merge it with the masculine dragon (hint: I mean penises and vaginas).

I will teach you the secret meanings of the book, and answer your questions with the full might of a 500BC Chinese army (hint: pretty strong).

Dear Ming-Tsu, I’m a smart guy. But my ability to think and improvise flies out the window in front of women. Can you give me some advice?

Sun-Tsu said: Thus the highest form of generalship is to balk the enemy’s plans; the next best is to prevent the junction of the enemy’s forces; the next in order is to attack the enemy’s army in the field; the worst policy of all is to besiege walled cities.

What he meant was that as you approach a woman, your best course of action is knocking her drink out of her hand. Override her every word, when balk her plans, your stutter and inability to form sentences is nothing in comparison. Next, never let your target meet with her forces; in groups, females are intimidating and always pretend to be girlfriends, while maneuvering out of arrow range. Also, never approach her in the open; this gives her full maneuverability and chance to escape. Instead, corner her in an alley or toilet; the surprise will make you more powerful. Lastly, never approach her in her house… if you have no words now, you will never explain why you are in the bushes under her window.

Email me your questions at smellofwar@gmail.com

Occasionally, people who can identify Blair Munrovia in a line-up (this includes the vast majority of your mothers, by the way) will approach me, and blurt out their opinion on something I have written. Let’s get this straight, folks. If I wanted your opinion, I would have fucking asked for it. One of the only things that allows me to tolerate your incessant “I am uni student, hear me roar” diatribes is how poorly they are formed.

Think about it. Why do people read the Lettuce pages in the Nexus?

Because we like to bear witness to the written equivalent of a knee-jerk reaction. I’m all too aware that often these letters don’t pass through the magnificent fuck-filter we call the human brain. So keep sending them in. I need something to laugh at on a Monday morning, when I’m so hungover that my head feels like the San Andreas fault-line, and trying to fight the urge to shave my tongue.

Honestly, it’s quite comical, when you think about it. You feel so strongly about something, that your fingers vomit all over the keyboard, and you click “Send” before thinking about how stupid you’re going to appear in a few days. The rusty chainsaw of aggression seldom hits a nerve, my friends. What you need is the sharp, focused scalpel of hatred. Hit a person where it will hurt them. Take the time to craft your response to something.

Fuck it, who am I kidding? Keep sending in poorly written letters. Keep ramming your feet so far down your throat you can tie your shoelaces when you wipe your ass. Most of all, keep your fucking opinions to yourself.

Otherwise, you’re no better than the religious.

Blair is single and likes long walks on the beach and humping.

31

COLUMNS:OTHER

Auteur House With Richard Swainson

Bill Murray Some would argue that Bill Murray came of age as an actor in “Lost in Translation”. Playing a variation on himself, Murray is perfect as a self-loathing, washed up Hollywood star making some money on the side in Japan fronting a whiskey commercial. The connection he makes with Scarlett Johansson’s neglected wife is all the more touching for stopping short of romance, for the film isn’t anything as obvious as an older man/younger woman melodrama.

Murray’s performance in “Lost in Translation” is raw and open as never before yet he retains his trademark irony and innate comic timing.

As a critic once pointed out, Murray shares with Groucho Marx the ability to be at once a character within a film and a comedian mocking it, one complicit with the audience in his understanding that the movies are an artificial construct not to be taken at all seriously.

Murray’s style so transcends his material that he is largely impervious to bad scripts.

Emerging with a reputation intact after early dross like “Meatballs” and “Caddyshack”, he single-handedly made the “Ghostbusters” films watchable. “Groundhog Day” was the first feature to suggest hidden emotional depths, the tale of a cynic forced to relive a single day over and over until he discovers the joy of life.

Parts thereafter showed an artist full of confidence and keen on expanding his range.

Three roles which followed were masterful: the transgendered Bunny Breckinridge in Tim Burton’s “Ed Wood” demonstrated Murray’s camp side as never before, the egotistical bowler ‘Big Ern’ McCracken in the

Farrelly brothers’ “Kingpin” deserved Oscar recognition, and his politically conflicted if romantic ventriloquist in Tim Robbin’s “The Cradle Will Rock” was sadly underrated.

Murray’s three films with Jim Jarmusch are noteworthy, especially “Broken Flowers”. His most sustained creative partnership though has been with writer-director Wes Anderson, in heart breaking cameos (the cuckolded husband in “The Royal Tenenbaums”), witty supporting roles (the world weary businessman in “Rushmore”) and finely detailed leading parts (the morally bankrupt Jacques Cousteau wannabe in “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou”).

Tales from Tinseltown

By Emma Edwards

Love and marriage came under the spotlight this week in Hollywood, with numerous couples making or breaking the relationship. For those that love a happy story will be pleased to hear that former Friends star David Schwimmer is engaged to photographer Zoe Buckman. The pair met whilst Schwimmer was directing Run Fatboy Run in 2007. It will be first marriage for both the bride and the groom.

Unbelievably, Tiger Woods is making a comeback in his marriage. It seems that Elin may have forgiven Tiger for his recent string of extra-marital scandals. The pair was spotted together last week, sparking rumours that Elin and Tiger are rebuilding their marriage for the sake of their relationship, finances, and for their two small children.

Tiger has also begun to work on his career again, hiring Ari Fleischer, a current sports PR expert to prepare him for his return. Tiger is predicted to play again for the Tavistock Cup. 32

However, things were not perfect for Kate Winslet and her husband Sam Mendes. After seven years of marriage, the couple announced that they have separated. The divorce is reported to be a mutual agreement and the couple have chosen to remain amicable for the sake of their six-year-old son, Joe. Also, the marriage between Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller came under the spotlight once again as the couple went to court, following their domestic violence case over Christmas. Sheen was arrested on Christmas Day in Aspen for second-degree assault and menacing against Mueller. Sheen attended court this week.

Authorities are now pressuring Sheen to either plead guilty to a felony or stand trial for the attack. Sheen is currently organising the details in order to gain the best escape, such as pleading guilty to a misdemeanour or a felony, whilst organising for the case to be dropped once the probation period is over. However, authorities are unwilling to compromise, given Sheen’s history with women, drugs and violence. Unsurprisingly, Mueller is still contemplating a divorce.

COLUMNS:FOOD

Student Foods With CC

Anyone who has worked in a supermarket has seen it: a box comes in the storeroom, marked Signature Range, for argument’s sake. You pick it up, take it out, and slice it open to shelve it...and find that you’re in the wrong place in the aisle, because the contents? Bluebird.

Mislabelled in packaging. It came off the same

“It came off the same production line in the same factory, and some dope put the packaging changeover in the wrong place” production line in the same factory, and some dope put the packaging changeover in the wrong place.

This is true of a lot of sub/store brands. Your mum might have bought Tip Top ice cream religiously all your life, but in fact, you can buy it in a black container too, if you shop in Progressive Enterprises-owned supermarkets.

They’re not making a fashion statement; why bother? They know you like ice cream. They’re making money by covering another market at a lower price. Colby cheese in New Zealand is made in Hautapu, unless you buy it from an artisan cheese maker (why would they bother with Colby though?). And milk is milk. It comes from cows and is processed by Fonterra, Tararua or Tatua. Keep an eye open – Dairy Dale and Cow & Gate brands produce milk at

a retail price between $2.70 - $3.20 for 2l... or if you get it at the fruit shop by the Hillcrest Warehouse, 2 bottles for $5.00. Develop a taste for pasta and buy the budget brand –half the price, the same product, the same weight.

There are, of course, exceptions. Connoisseurs tell me that cheap baked beans don’t have the texture of Wattie’s, and some cheap margarine brands have higher saturated fat levels. You can’t buy kettle-style chips from Pam’s (last time I checked). But most items have a sub or store brand equivalent, which equals it in quality.

So don’t be shy, try out the store brands, halve your spending, you won’t die. Or get AIDS. Non-sequitur protip from a grad student: Be Better. Suck less. (And in all probability, go look up the meaning of non-sequitur).

33

REVIEW:COMIC

Scalped Scalped? What is it?

Why only the best damn comic series being published right now.

Brilliantly written by Jason Aaron and filled with stark artwork by R.M. Guera, Scalped is the story of Dashiell Bad Horse, a Native American undercover FBI agent returning to his childhood reservation, partly to uncover the decades of corruption that has taken place there and partly for his own personal agenda.

That’s just a simple summary of the story, or at least, that’s just how it starts off. The plot of Scalped unfolds like the best of any detective noir story: well thought out characters, an increasingly labyrinthine plot and your allegiance as a reader constantly under fire as Bad Horse delves deeper and deeper into the dark underbelly of The Rez. Damnit, that’s still too simple of a summary and there’s not enough space here to give you good folks a full sense of the scope of this series.

Basically, think of this series as a bad-ass crime noir story with a western like setting, filled with both intelligence and badassery as if TVs The Sopranos and The Wire made sweet love to each other and Scalped is their papery love child by-product that was raised by James Ellroy and Clint Eastwood on a diet of liquid kick-ass.

Do I sound a little biased in loving this series so much? Probably. But don’t just take it from me because I’m a fan (and how). Take it from some of the comic industries best like Brian K Vaughn, Garth Ennis, Ed Brubaker and many others who are all hailing this as one of the best things out there. I can’t agree more with them on that.

So if you’re looking for something new and exciting after having read other greats like Preacher and 100 Bullets, go pick up a copy of Scalped right now and I assure you, you won’t be disappointed. It’s now up to its 36th Issue and the 6th trade is set to come out next month, so you’ll have plenty of time till then to catch up on nothing but bad-ass awesome.

34

Planetary doesn’t mess round with too much talking.

Planetary gets straight to the action

Planetary I had this book forced upon me by young Scott of Mark One. I’m not big into superheroes (unless they’re horrible bastards like in The Boys), so I have to say I was a little hesitant about getting into Planetary. Having read it, I’m still not sure what went on in its beautifully coloured pages.

There’s a secret organisation of archaeologists, I got that much. Only they’re archaeologists of the impossible. Big monsters, space ships from alternate realities which crashed in the time of dinosaurs, little monsters, weird caves. You name it, these guys are investigating it. I’m not sure why they’re investigating it, but they are. Maybe it’s just curiousity? I’m not sure.

Having exposed my complete inability to comprehend what happens in Planetary

(and probably pissing off a dozen fan buys out there reading this), I will now tell you what I liked about it.

Planetary doesn’t mess round with too much talking. Planetary gets straight to the action.

Planetary doesn’t need boobs and g-strings to move issues. It doesn’t use extreme violence, sex or foul language to grab your attention.

Planetary gets up in the morning, has a shower and a shave and thinks to itself, “How can I be really ambiguous and still keep people turning the page”. Most days, Planetary succeeds.

The main characters are Mr Snow, a guy who is about 99 years old and can freeze stuff.

Then there’s the Drummer, an acid flashback made human, with the ability to communicate psychically with electronic devices. Finally, providing the closest thing to sexiness is Jakita Wagner, a super fast, super strong woman who wears excessively tight clothes.

A lot of characters in this graphic novel are mixups of traditional ‘super’ characters. There’s a guy who is like Batman, only he’s ugly and has guns. Another guy is kind of like Ming the Merciless. It’s full of weird semi-analogies of famous comic book characters.

All in all, I’d say I enjoyed reading this. I didn’t understand a damn thing that was going on, but I liked every minute of it.

REVIEW:GAMES

Napoleon Total War Reviewed by Angry Bastard Hot off the shelves comes Napoleon Total War, the latest Creative Assembly game in the Total War series. It is the fifth game in the series (not including multiple expansions for all the previous titles) and it is certainly a step above.

Where the previous titles have been a leap above their predecessors, Napoleon Total War feels only like an expansion rather than an entirely new game. It uses the same menus, the same sound effects (only with a little more

I was literally grinding my teeth, expecting to be faced with the greatest game ever made.

Instead I got this shitty little thing. Imagine Empire Total War without India or the Americas.

It’s always raining. The AI is made of retardflakes, liberally dribbled with the mouth sweat of a dying ostrich. It’s nowhere near the size or scale of Empire Total War and reminds me more of the Alexander expansion for Rome Total War then it does of a full and complete game.

in the ground. I haven’t even tried the naval warfare aspect yet, but I’m sure it’ll be just as hard as in Empire and just look a little prettier.

I wouldn’t urge even the most diehard Total War fans to rush out and buy this game.

I’ve played it for a few

French) and a far more annoying auto-hint feature I had been hanging out for Napoleon Total War since I first heard about it last year. I’d been playing Empire Total War to the point where I was completely sick of it. I read what I could on forums, watched and re-watched teaser trailers and beta-testers game play video on YouTube.

Also, while I’m ranting, the AI in this game seems to be (surprisingly) a complete step down from the AI in Empire, and that’s something.

Sure, there’s some bits and pieces which make it almost worth it. Horses will run off if the rider is shot off. Men can get back up from being knocked about by the concussion of cannonballs. Artillery leaves dents and craters

days and I’m already going back to play some more Empire. Only buy this if you’re in love with Napoleon and short games.

Win A Copy of LIPS!

We have a butt-load of copies of the LIPS game to give away this week, thanks to our friends at Microsoft! All you have to do is come to the window outside Nexus (next to UniMart) and sing to the Nexus staff!

PWN3D Darksiders

By Scampy

Hunted by heaven, hated by hell. You play as War, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse sent to the realm of man to bring judgement to all, except something is wrong.

Your brothers are nowhere to be seen and it appears that Armageddon was initiated too soon. Your task is to find out what happened to the balance between heaven and hell, and to bring those responsible to justice. It’s too late for us mouth-breathers; we’ve been wiped out!

Controls for Darksiders are easy to get the hang of and the difficulty is such that you should always be prepared for an obstacle before you encounter it. You can buy and upgrade weapons, and new abilities and attacks with souls (the currency accepted by most demonic retailers). Souls are a commodity you collect by slaying angels and demons.. and fire hydrants.. parking meters.. furniture.. pretty much anything you can hit with your oversized sword will produce souls.

As you progress through the game you acquire rewards that really enhance the game-playing experience. I don’t wish to spoil the game so I’m not going to reveal any of them, but several times I found myself saying “that is friggen sweet”.

The world of Darksiders is split into several regions, each with a different style. Some are ruins, lush green lands, high peaks, but what I really liked was how all of these different areas are set in post-apocalyptic metropolises.

The ruins were devastated cities, the green lands looked like urban areas that had been reclaimed by nature and the high peaks are set amongst the tops of sky-scrapers. Exploring the different locations in the world is an enjoyable experience.

Told mostly through cut-scenes, the story is rich with interesting twists and developments.

Cinematics flow like movie scenes and the voice acting is brilliant. War has a distinctive voice

that really suits his character and his buddy (and tormentor) is voiced by Luke Skywalker.

There is good balance between combat, puzzles and story. The puzzles could have been trickier but that would have delayed getting back into the action, which is what I enjoyed most. HACK SLASH CHOP STAB! Combat is a lot of fun and boss fights are challenging but not ridiculously difficult. Defeating bosses is rewarding as you are treated to quite spectacular death cinematics War is a total bad ass, on the same level as Die Hard, Mad Max, Zombieland and Darth Vader. I really enjoyed following him through this story.

Darksiders is a very cool game, and the ending has me amped for the sequel.

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REVIEW:MOVIE

Starring Gerard Butler and Jamie Foxx.

Law Abiding Citizen Village Review

For all the praise heaped upon Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler for their performances in film, I really think they’re super ugly. Jamie Foxx has one of those faces that looks like it’s about to either sneeze or fight you. Gerard Butler, best known for his role as Leonidas, King of the Gays in 300, as gone on to be in one out of three movies that come out every month. Gamer, P.S. I Love You, The Ugly Truth, Rock N’ Rolla and even Nim’s Island all feature this punching bag of a man.

However, despite my hate of two of Hollywood’s ‘A-Listers”, I loved Law Abiding Citizen. It has a pretty simple storyline. A guy’s wife and child are murdered during a robbery and he alone survives. When the courts refuse to prosecute both of the criminals and let one go free, the guy gets angry. Not just against the guy who got off light though. Against everyone. Ugly fats guys, cops, hot blondes, old ladies, lawyers,

judges all feel his wrath as he kills them all in a variety of ways.

The only difference between this and other crime-revenge stories (like Dead Man’s Shoes and Death Sentence) is that for over half the movie, the guy doing the killing is behind bars.

And it’s not just any guy either. It is Gerard Butler.

I suppose I kind of went into ths movie thinking that it was just going to be another Gerard Butler movie, where he gets angry and screams at Persians/Grendel/an opera house. I was extremely and pleasantly surprised. There are

twenty-first century CGI. Both are set in some unspecified time after a calamity has removed the human species from earth. Only artificial intelligence remains. In “9”’s case the title number of miniature robots, each equipped with different strengths and weaknesses that reflect the character of their long dead scientist creator, do battle with larger, malevolent machines for the future of the planet.

Despite a promising opening and an intriguing premise “9” fails to engage the audience on anything other than a superficial level. Director/ co-writer Shane Acker has an eye for the visuals and can construct an action set piece with the best of them but he seems not to have learnt the lesson of “WALL.E” and “Up” and earlier Pixar features: that character and story development come first. Before we really have a handle on who the protagonist is and what his predicament might be Acker launches into an

extended chase scene and seldom pauses for breath thereafter.

The result is a lot of spectacle that might look good in isolation yet as part of the whole falls dramatically flat. No matter how well done battle scenes are if you are not emotionally invested in the situation the pay off will be minimal.

Essentially “9” has an identity crisis. It wants to be an adult science fiction film, with topical ideas about environmental despoilment and a climax that strives for a “2001” type transcendence, but it’s too wedded to juvenile notions of what looks “cool” and an almost obsessive need to sustain pace. While Acker has an impressive vocal cast at his disposal - Elijah Wood, Christopher Plummer, John C. Reilly, Martin Landau and Jennifer Connelly - the tone and aesthetics are too often that of a computer game.

no over-used kills or clichéd lines. It all seemed fresh to me, like I was watching it through the eyes of an ADD child with amnesia.

I have no idea how much longer this movie will last on the big screen at Skycity, but I highly recommend you go and watch it. The bigger the screen the better.

Lido Review

With Richard Swainson It has not been a good year, cinematically speaking, for the number that comes between 8 and 10. “Nine”, a woefully misconceived musical remake of Fellini’s “8 1/2” based on the woefully misconceived Broadway show, has been dealt to by me elsewhere (check out http://auteurhouse. com/blog/2010/02/04/nine2009/ if you are interested in its shortcomings). “9”, a post apocalyptic computer generated animation, is much better if still significantly flawed.

When taken in combination they are bound to remind any whose musical tastes extend back to the 1960s of a certain experimental dirge on The Beatles’ “White Album”.

“9” shares quite a bit in common with “WALL.E”, that masterpiece of 36

REVIEW:BOOK

Kevin Pryor Goes Down on Books The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde There are a handful of books in my life that have had a tremendous impact on me, even going so far as to permanently alter my conciousness. Kind of like taking loads of acid and never quite being able to get back your original mental state.

The Picture of Dorian Gray is one of those books.

For a book written at the turn of the 20th Century the underlying themes are surprisingly subversive. Wilde proposes a whole new series of ethics, not based on what is right or wrong in terms of conduct, but in what looks right or wrong. That is, the way something looks is the way something should be judged. This is a complete rejection of the Christian concept of inner beauty, and an emphasis on outward appearances only.

So wouldn’t that mean a complete validation of the Paris Hilton’s of this world? Well .. yes.

She would be a completely perfect example of Wildean ethics. You may pretend to hate her, but go on admit it, you’re fascinated by her and

look her up on the internet just like everybody else.

Oscar Wilde is renowned for his witticisms, and his one and only novel is peppered with them.

True to his upholding of beauty as the supreme value, the prose is exquisitely crafted as well, reading like poetry amongst all the one liners.

There is some sham moral at the end where Dorian comes a cropper due to a life dedicated solely to the pursuit of pleasure, but this seems

contrived and more a compulsory insertion forced by the time (Victorian England) in which it was written. The rest of the book is a seductive endorsement of no holds barred hedonism.

Dorian Gray is the ultimate bible of aestheticism and one I follow religiously. So be warned. If you come up and talk to me, I won’t be listening to a word you say, I’ll be too busy judging you by the cut of your clothes.

The Strain Guillermo del Toro & Chuck Hogan Reviewed by Mrs Robinson and Her Awesome Face Guillermo del Toro is the creator of Pans Labyrinth, a creepy movie. And Chuck Hogan is a writer of creepy stories, one of which scared Stephen King so much he gave him a prize.

The Strain is the first of a trilogy and I’m angry the other two haven’t been written/published yet because I need to read them.

This book is creepy, like “give you nightmares and want to sleep with a light on” creepy. A plane lands safely at JFK International Airport and it’s full of corpses, but there is no sign of how they all died. They are just sitting in their sets, no signs of struggle, no vomit, no bleeding, and no mayday signals. It’s just a dark aeroplane with no one trying to get out even after landing. The disease control and other scary government agency type teams

are racing to find out what caused all of the passengers to die in case it is something that is going to spread to everyone in New York City.

The Strain (of the thing not the book as a whole) is defiantly spreadable and a disease type thing that everyone should be scared of. The plague is pretty nasty. Except it’s not a plague, it’s a something else which I really want to say more about but can’t, because if I do you’ll blame me for wrecking the book if you do decide to go and read it. And when I was reading it I REALLY wanted to talk to someone about what the plague/strain thing was or what it could be. But I just couldn’t bring myself to let anyone else read The Strain until I was done with it.

The Strain is a really gripping story, and the prospect of the things that happen in this book

“Creepy, like “give you nightmares and want to sleep with a light on”

actually happening are terrifying. It gets kind of contained but not really, and I’m totally hanging out for the rest of the trilogy.

37

LOCAL:GIGS

Pixies

Reviewed by Deano Ballswinger

The Pixies (actually ‘Pixies’ without the ‘the’, but I’ll stick to the definitive article here for writing purposes) were always a rather idiosyncratic bunch of alt-rock legends, be it Black Francis’ lyrical propensities for surrealist films and ufology, or their disdain for music videos (the clip for their 1990 single ‘Velouria’ (top 20 in NZ, fact fans!) consisting of a single slo-mo shot of the band clambering down a pile of rocks).

That this ‘Pixies-ish’ spirit has survived the band’s 2004 reformation was evident in their recent show at Auckland’s Vector Arena (along with the preceding night’s performance at the Powerstation, their first ever concerts in NZ).

On one level you could say the show was standard operating procedure for many 70s, 80s and 90s acts that have reformed in the 21st century. Band whizz professionally through the entirety of their ‘big hit album’ (in this case 1989’s Doolittle), band fulfill the punters nostalgic desires to relive their youth (in this

case a bunch of Gen Xers like myself), band make a pile of cash to pay off their drug debts and alimony. On another level you could say the show reflected the band’s idiosyncratic approach to music and performance in general.

Stage opens to video projection of surrealist short Un Chien Andalou (lyrical inspiration for the song ‘Debaser’). Band walks on stage with nary a hello and proceeds to play obscure Bsides from the Doolittle singles before moving on to the album proper. Band finish album runthrough (which I thought brought out the latent power of many tracks better than the cleanly produced album – ‘Silver’ and ‘Gouge Away’

coming to mind here) with protracted session of adulation from crowd beneath video backdrop of members inanely bowing and scraping.

Band return for ‘encore’ which consists of 2 more B-sides, then leave crowd waiting for 10 minutes before returning for a more ‘proper’ encore of classics from Surfer Rosa and Come On Pilgrim (sadly, nothing from the under-rated Bossanova and Trompe Le Monde albums apart from the tertiary education classic ‘U-Mass’). In other words, band delivers the alt-rock goods whilst subtly taking the piss out of the whole ‘legend/reformation’ shebang and preserving their inherent cool. Oats!

The Adventures of Captain Cockblock By Florian

Open Saturdays!

From 9am-2pm for your enjoyment Momento Uni lakes

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Open Mic Nights Thursdays from 5pm for more info phone 021 891 810

YOUR BUSTED PHOTOS STEP ONE: Party STEP TWO: Take pictures STEP THREE: Email them to us at busted@nexusmag.co.nz Seriously, do it! It canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be that hard, people are (apparently) partying here all the time.

Photos: Anthony Ikinofo Event: Soundscape, The Outback