N.04 / V.47
Clarence Street 7am – 10pm, 7 days a week. Phone (07) 839-4056
Keri Pulpy Orange 3 Litre (Limit 4)
2
99
Bluebird Cheezels/Rashuns/ Twisties/Burger Rings 120g
Maggi Noodles 5pk 2 for
5
00
V 355ml Can
99 2 c
00
Prices valid until Sunday 29 March 2015. Trade not supplied. Valid at PAK’nSAVE Clarence Street only.
THIS PRICE IS ON THE DOWN LOW
Editor Jessica Wilson editor@nexusmag.co.nz Design Olivia Paris design@nexusmag.co.nz
01 EDITORIAL Potato Cod
03 NEWS
Police Don’t Taser Me / Freedom of Hate Speech? / Brazilians Stripped Bare
Deputy Editors Brittany Rose Jules Craft Managing Editor James Raffan Contributors Ty Hart Alexander Nebesky Chris Reive Johnny Ryan Sam Marelich Chris Kader Richard Swainson Jared Wooldridge Caitlin Orton Kelsie Morland Melissa Stevens Hp Samantha Brill Emma Nygard Casey Dunstan Drunk Professor Aunty Slut Resident Gay Zac Lyon Shannon Stewart Sarah & Priscilla Alix Higby Interns Ashleigh Matthews Jessamy Topping Johnny Ryan Cover Artwork Daniel Collins Photography Cameron Robinson Advertising aj@wsu.org.nz Offices Ground Floor, Student Union Building Gate One, University of Waikato Knighton Road, Hamilton Online nexusmag.co.nz facebook.com/nexusNZ @nexusmag Spotify: nexusmagazine
07 SPORTS My Pick for the NBA Title
08 ENTERTAINMENT Horoscopes/ Trending on Twitter/ Please Don’t Quote Me / Beats by J
11 REVIEWS
Chappie / Yako’s Cafe and Restaurant / Google Fit
14 50 YEARS OF NEXUS iShit
15 AUTEUR
Auteur House Presents... “Lay Lines”
16 FEATURES
Hamilton’s Somewhat Undocumented History / More Than Chlamydia / Green and Obscene
24 YOUR SPACE Little Rascals: Hillcrest
28 COLUMNS
ALC 101 / The Single Life / Aunty Slut / The Weekly Grind / Travel / The Single Life
35 COOKING Mac ‘n Cheese
36 CARE
Clubs / Advocacy / Representation / Experience
38 SNAPPED Send us your snaps
40 PUZZLES
Editorial NEXUS MAGAZINE
Potato Cod
are in Hamilton. If you want to be overwhelmed by douche-
Jess Wilson
Hamilton is the shit. We have a massive underground music
baggery, go to Scandinavia!
scene, enough high-functioning coffee abusers to keep a plethora of indie coffee shops alive, an incredible art scene, and enough great writers to swing a cat at. On top of our incredibly cultured society, we have enough trees to Being a teenager in Hamilton, I always thought I had it bad.
cause an oil executive to have a panic attack and a hippie
Hanging out at the Kmart car park or Garden Place was
to hug their arms off. Hamilton is like the 70% cocoa solids
nothing compared to hanging out at, say, the Eiffel Tower
of chocolate or Danny Devito — we’re only appreciated by
or NYC (clichéd, I know). I wanted to live in a proper city,
educated people with worldly experiences.
one that was constantly buzzing and full of life (homeless people). I wanted to get drunk with Paris Hilton and profess my love to a pizza store employee at 3am. I wanted to go to
I wrote a poem to Hamilton, it goes a little something like this:
London, wear Doc Martens, and kick around in record stores,
Riff Raff is bronze,
only occasionally popping out to drink black coffee.
Waikato River is brown,
I had dreams — all of which I thought were being crushed by my isolated country. It was only in travelling overseas that I realised how good I have it in Hamilton. It took going to Prague to realise how beautiful the lack of human excrement in our streets is. It
Hamilton is rad, And Auckland sucks. If I am yet to convince you of how special Hamilton is, I implore you to go travelling. Being poor is not an excuse because I saw you sipping coffee at Momento. Big spender.
took going to Dubai to realise it RULES being able to walk
Still reading? Want to know what I’m getting at? Nothing
alone in public (except at night *sad face*). It took going to
really. Except that this issue is about Hamilton. Did you read
Sweden’s biggest cities to realise how fucking chill people
this bullshit to come to this conclusion? Yes. Yes you did.
1
NEXUS MAGAZINE Lettuce
McSweeney’s a Crackhead
Dear first years 5th year BA student
Dat Crack Tho Your claims of a big O-week are unfounded, to have more cred maybe u shld have not have been little pansy’s and gone a little harder McSweeney needs to get the fuck off crack. A rental WOF is a crock of bureaucratic shit and would increase rents massively. Relaxing land regulations would allow more homes to be built which would provide more choice and lower rents for students.
Net Net
Is Nexus magazine written by high school students?
A computer program called Antivi took over my computer. How do I get rid of it? net http://sjlkdfjsdklj.net
RIP
Sarcastic Twat
Daniel Farrell/The Former DJ Faz
Is it?
So, I heard a rumour that Contact FM has called it quits. Yeah, you probably haven’t
Kill Me Now Meeky Mike
heard of them. They were big in the 80s and 90s, then a long story that I won’t get in to right now, followed by Contact coming back in 2003. Student radio didn’t really take off in Hamilton after the loss of the original Contact. The good times were well before my time here, but I was involved with trying to bring it back. We failed, and a year ago, I left because I knew that this wasn’t going
I feel like im being bullied every time I walk through uni heaps of hot chicks keep walking past, it makes me go into my shell and cry a little cause I dont have the courage to say anything this form of intimidation needs to stop
to happen in the form we were trying to do it. It seems (I’ve been out of the loop, so I don’t know when this happened) that those who were left now agree. Don’t get me wrong, we do need student radio. It’s been a gaping hole for almost 20 years. But Contact FM is neither the brand to do it, nor the format. Students deserve to have the outlet of student radio. When I was involved with Contact, we
Dear University Basically Slavery
did some great things. But if a radio station does great things on a frequency no one listens to, does it really exist? So RIP Contact. You could have been great. Years ago, you were. Now not so much. Maybe this is evidence we should legalise euthanasia, or at least corporate euthanasia.
“From our monitoring of the free student Internet service UOW Students we see that you have successfully connected to this service and are using it. That’s great! We hope it is working well for you.
Disclaimer Letters published contain the opinion of the writer and the
However, we have noticed that you consumed 18.1GB of Internet traffic
writer alone. Nexus publications take no responsibility for the content or
yesterday. Please note that the bandwidth used by higher volume users,
opinions so expressed. By submitting your letter you give consent to its
such as yourself, will impact the service for all students, so there is a
publication in Nexus and subsequent public scrutiny. Letters are the authors
50GB per month fair use provision for this service and consequences for
own work and Nexus will not edit to compensate for lack of intelligence or
exceeding this (see http://www.waikato.ac.nz/ict-self-help/policy/student-
coherency. Nexus reserves the right to edit or refuse to publish any letter
internet-fair-use-provision).”
which breaches any law, is defamatory to any person, or contains threats
You are making it really hard for me to stream movies. Not Cool.
2
N.04 / V.47
of violence or hate speech. Email your lettuce to lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz
News NEXUS MAGAZINE
NEWS FEATURE
POLICE DON’T TASER ME Ty Hart
New Zealand police. If you don’t know who they are, what they do, and why — well, it’s doubtful whether University is the right place for you. Even the saddest, most hungover urchin scraped off the bottom of the StudVille dining hall will, with a bit of hope, have an opinion of the police. That opinion could be positive — with some people seeing the police as some sort of protectors against the terrors of the dark, catching the baddies so that we can all sleep safely in our beds at night. Others will have
SIDE NOTE
a more negative opinion — that the police are nothing more than a bunch of uniformed bullies out to flex their thirst for power under the guise of law and order.
How do you feel about police use of tasers if there is a chance of death? Blake Wilson, Law & Philosophy
As such, your opinions on recent events that occurred in Napier late last
If the situation calls for a gun or taser, taser is definitely
week will likely be equally divided; that is, after the death of a 53-year old
preferable. Less chance of death.
man who was tasered, pepper-sprayed, and allegedly had a Police dog set on him. The two likely opinions are that the police have, once again, flexed their muscle a little too liberally. The flipside of that coin is to say that a 53-year old man, who reportedly attacked his father with some form of club before resisting arrest, probably had a bit of a shock coming to him anyway.
Gemma Rose, Law It depends where I get shot. If I got shot in the arm I’d prefer that to being continuously electrocuted.
Either way, it doesn’t look too good for New Zealand police when a suspect dies during the process of arrest. But considering that tasers are considered to be a potential front-line option, I bet you’re wondering exactly how
Ryan Potter, Sports & Leisure
dangerous they are likely to be, right?
If they have to use it then they have to. If you’re being
The latest New Zealand Police Annual Taser Report found that, in 99% of
threatened I’d rather be tasered than shot by police.
cases where a Taser had been deployed, there was no injury sustained. In the 12 cases where some form of injury was sustained, only 2 of those were classified as being ‘severe.’
Ron Collinson, Computer Science
However, in October last year, the Independent Police Conduct Authority
For the few cases that it is a justified means, that doesn’t
released a report on a particular case which stated that the use of a Taser
offset the risk of others.
on a man in Timaru in 2011 was excessive, and disproportionate to the perceived threat. There’s still much discussion regarding the Police use of Tasers, with some reports stating that Tasers are necessary in order to protect front-line constables against the ever-increasing risk of violence which they face on the job. Others call for closer monitoring and control of Police use of Tasers, with some even going so far as to say that a total review and overhaul of the systems and procedures around Taser use is necessary.
Te Hiko O Te Rangi, Law Discretionary use is okay. If there’s a police officer and someones acting like a fool, the police officer sees the situation and he got a tool, the taser. Well you know the rest. Don’t act like a fool and a n**** won’t have to use his tool.
3
NEXUS MAGAZINE News
NEWS
BRAZILIANS STRIPPED BARE Alexander Nebesky
Narrowly re-elected Brazilian President, Dilma Rousseff is faced with the ever growing shit-storm that is the nation’s Petrobras Scandal, with many calling now for her impeachment. The story, as it stands, is that the state-backed oil company skimmed money off yearly profits to pay Brazilian politicians for contracts. In the firing line stand some of the country’s top politicians and businessmen connected with Petrobras including former Petrobras Director Paulo Roberto Costa, who has been
FREEDOM OF HATE SPEECH?
charged with money laundering, as well as 53 other directors, board
James Raffan
Across Brazil the outrage has been palpable, with 22 Brazilian states
members, and politicians who are on an investigation shortlist.
turning out impressive protest forces attracting tens of thousands of people easily, with estimates of the Sao Paulo protest ranging from Last week our friends at the University of Canterbury’s Students Association pulled an entire issue of the student magazine Canta from the shelves because of a feature article involving rape and misogyny in a virtual or gaming environment. The issue gets slightly more complicated because the article was written under a pseudonym and solicited. Canta had decided to pay writers $100 per article published because they simply weren’t attracting content.
200,000 to a million angry protesters in football jerseys. In true captain-of-a-sinking-ship style President Rousseff has denied any knowledge at all of the goings on. She knows nothing, she never knew anything, she won’t know anything and the anything she does or did know has nothing to do with the something in question — you know, the massively illegal series of deals going on in her country. So as
It seems there are a couple of conflicting issues that exist here. The decision to run
of yet, Rousseff has had no charges laid against her. Though the second
the article is seemingly a poor one and the explanation Canta Editor Greg Stubbings
phase of the investigation, or ‘Operation Car-Wash’ as it has been titled,
offered to stuff.co.nz showed a lack of understanding of the situation.
is set to focus on members of the Brazilian government who are said
“If it’s legal and not defamatory, it’s difficult to morally argue that I shouldn’t run it. It’s not my place to censor students. It was either run [the story] or a white page,” said Greg Stubbings. First of all yes you can. It’s called Editorial authority. It is in its simplest form the one thing an Editor needs to do. As for the blank page argument that is actually bullshit. Don’t unleash your inner Rosa Parks and claim freedom of speech. Now let’s talk about the actual freedom of speech issue. UCSA pulled the issue and any reference after receiving four complaints because, in the words of their President Sarah Platt, “We can tell that there’s a bit of a feeling out there from more than four people, that there’s a line”.
to have been at the root of the problem. This is the obvious next step to take, especially when the money that has gone missing (into the pockets of those involved) is in excess of $400 million (US) and only 35 people have been arrested, all of them high ranking business men in the construction and energy industries. $400 million between 35 is a whole lot, like the biggest ever cab fare you had to split times a whole shit load more. It’s also scary to know that the accused are charged with establishing a criminal organisation; but less surprising when you discover that one of the main suspects is convicted money launderer and black marketeer Alberto Youssef who has happily given up information for a shortened jail sentence, though how long we are still yet to know. Youssef claims that both President
If UCSA want to pull the issue that is their decision as the publisher but surely just
Rousseff (yes, their names are pretty much the same, I got confused
pointing out the vile nature of the content and launching an investigation into
researching this) and her predecessor knew of the scheme, though of
the decision making process would have been enough. But well done Miss Platt,
course they both deny any involvement at all.
effectively you have taken a magazine struggling for contributors and told the writers that submitted stuff that their work is meaningless and subject to your whims.
This is a truly tragic turn of events in a country where the citizens already have a hard time believing their government to be honest, with a 2014
One of the complainants however suggested they would throw all the copies they
poll showing more than a few Brazilians believed their government was
found in a bin. This is where we will get on our freedom of speech rant. If Nexus was
corrupt. Brazilians are ashamed of their government, and they should
subject to the will of any four students who had to unanimously agree on whether
be. The government, whose job it is to protect and serve the people,
the content could offend then it would never get printed. If you don’t like something
have lied and weaseled their way into a whole lot of money, throwing
a magazine prints don’t read the page, if you really don’t like the magazine then
the rest of the country under the bus.
don’t pick it up. However if you decide that something offends your moral code so much that you need to destroy every copy then you are a deluded sociopath. Nobody appointed you the moral judge of society, nobody asked you to institute your own McCarthyism. Unless of course the rule has changed and we can burn any books we disagree with? If that’s the case then there are some books that conflict with our views on evolution and science, time to get the lighter ready. 4
N.04 / V.47
If there’s anything positive to take away from this, however, its that ‘Operation Car-Wash’ is a frickn’ awesome name for an investigation.
News NEXUS MAGAZINE
NEWS FROM THE UNIVERSITY
TEDX COMES TO HAMILTON The University of Waikato is giving students an opportunity to showcase their innovative ideas to a worldwide audience. We will be hosting Hamilton’s first TEDx event, TEDxRuakura, on Saturday 20 June at the Gallagher Academy of Performing Arts and we are keen for Waikato to be well represented among the speakers chosen. The key to TEDx is to have an idea worth sharing. You can nominate a speaker now at www.tedxruakura.com/nominate-aspeaker/ — nominations close on Monday 29 March.
DAA NOMINATIONS OPEN
BRIAN PERRY SCHOLARSHIPS
Nominations for the 2015 University of Waikato Distinguished
The Brian Perry Charitable Trust Scholarships are now open for 2015. There are two scholarships on offer, the Brian Perry Business Management Scholarship and the Brian Perry Undergraduate Science & Engineering Scholarship. Each scholarship is worth $2,000 and both are open to students who have completed at least one full year of study at the University of Waikato. Applications close Wednesday 15 April. For more information on eligibility and to apply, visit the Scholarships Office website www.waikato.ac.nz/research/scholarships.
Alumni Awards are now open. The DAAs celebrate and honour graduates of this University who have made outstanding contributions in their careers or communities. Anyone can make a nomination, but to be eligible the nominee must hold a degree or diploma from Waikato. All nominations are confidential and take into account excellence in the professional, cultural, creative and voluntary sectors. For more info, visit www.alumni.waikato. ac.nz/distinguished-alumni.
CHAPLAIN SERVICES ON CAMPUS Every Tuesday lunchtime on the Hamilton campus,
all
students
are
welcome
to
participate in an informal service of Holy Communion (ecumenical eucharist) hosted by Brother Andrew, the Ecumenical Chaplain. Meet
in
the
Lady
Goodfellow
Chapel
(opposite UniRec) at 12pm on Tuesdays during teaching weeks. Bring your lunch for some fellowship afterwards. Students are also invited to take part in a free scriptures study course, ‘See through Chaplaincy, which gives an overview of
GIVE BLOOD THIS WEEK
the Christian Scriptures. Fridays from 12-
NZ Blood’s Mobile Blood Collection Unit will be at UniRec from
12.50pm during teaching weeks in the Lady
Monday 23 to Wednesday 25 March, from 10am–2.30pm each
Goodfellow Chapel.
day for blood donations. Drop-ins are welcome, but it’s best to
the Scriptures’, hosted by the Ecumenical
make an appointment beforehand — you can do this by calling 0800 448 325 or visiting www.nzblood.co.nz and clicking ‘Book
EMPLOYER PRESENTATIONS ON CAMPUS
an appointment’. Don’t forget to bring your ID.
March is recruitment season for many graduate and summer internship programmes and a number of employers, including Fonterra and ANZ bank, are coming to the Hamilton campus to connect with students. To view the full list of employer presentations visit www.eventbrite. co.nz and search “University of Waikato”. 5
NEXUS MAGAZINE News
POLITICAL PARTY ADS Last year when we covered the election we noticed a distinct lack of interesting adverts from our political representatives. As an attempt to rectify that Nexus presents you with these royalty free politcial ads. Gareth, feel free to use this.
FIRST HE SAVED ZELDA, NOW HE WILL SAVE THE GREEN PARTY. GARETH HUGHES FOR GREENS 2017
NOT NEWS
WTF: WAIKATO TIMES FOCUS
FRANKEN PENIS
RENT ROW DEATH BLOW FOR JUGGS
Chris Kader
A restaurant couldn’t afford to pay rent and had to close. That isn’t news From the country that brought you heart transplants, a 21 year old man in South Africa is the recipient of the first successful penis transplant. Having had his penis reduced to a mere 1 cm nub by a botched circumcision as part of the Xhosa ritual known as ukwaluka, the patient is now the proud owner of a new penis which was removed from a brain-dead donor. Surgeons from Stellenbosch University and Tygerberg Hospital in Cape Town connected up the nerve-endings and blood-vessels in a process which is similar to
that is what almost always happens. “Death blow?” Jesus!
ULTIMATE WARRIOR NEVER LOSES FAITH
New Zealand Warriors fan is a fan of the New Zealand Warriors. You do know what “news” is right Waikato Times?
the, also new, face transplant procedure. A penis transplant had been attempted previously in China, but the man in question later asked doctors to remove the alien appendage. The Cape Town operation is a first for being a stunning success, the man has made a full recovery sooner than expected and is able to urinate, get erections, ejaculate and have frequent intercourse. 250 men are estimated to lose their penises
AGGRO DRIVERS A HEADACHE FOR PARKING WARDENS
This is a story about how parking wardens get abused and sworn at. Which we are pretty sure they knew was a possibility when they signed on.
annually in the ukwaluka ritual. Meanwhile, an even more radical intervention is being studied in Italy, where the surgeon Sergio Canavero is confident he can now perform a head transplant (or full-body transplant depending on how you look at it). While the challenge of keeping a decapitated head/body combo alive and getting a brain to work with a new spinal cord might make you doubt the feasibility, Canavero believes the first attempt is only a few years away. 6
N.04 / V.47
STOLEN PETROL A ‘VALUABLE COMMODITY’
Not that valuable surely if you were re-selling it then it would be less than the current price of petrol.
News NEXUS MAGAZINE
SPORTS OPINION
HIGH FIVE
BEARDS James Harden (Houston Rockets, NBA) His beard has become somewhat of a cult figure in the NBA. Numerous ‘Fear the Beard’ signs can be seen at Rockets games.
Brian Wilson (MLB pitcher, currently a free agent) Wilson is known for his beard. When I first started
MY PICK FOR THE NBA TITLE
watching MLB, to me Wilson was ‘that guy with the beard who pitches’.
Chris Reive Geoff Cross (Scottish rugby prop) Cross rocked A friend of mine asked me whether or not I thought the Houston Rockets had a chance
this magnificent look through the 6 nations
of taking the title this year. The question was simple enough to answer — no. But,
this year while fundraising online to shave it for
he got me thinking; who do I actually think can win the title this year? After a lot
charity.
of thought, I’ve narrowed it down to four teams: Golden State Warriors, Memphis Grizzlies, Atlanta Hawks, or Cleveland Cavaliers. Brett Keisel (NFL defensive end, currently a
For Golden State and Atlanta, it’s hard to leave them out of the conversation. Both
free agent) This beard speaks for itself. Imagine
have been on a tear this season and currently lead their respective conferences. But
having that inside of your helmet.
why Memphis and Cleveland? As long as Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol are there, Memphis will be a playoff team. One of the few teams whose defence is as good as, if not better, than their offense, Memphis can grind teams down in a seven game series. Their downfall could be their
Sam Tomkins (Vodafone Warriors fullback)
lack of 3pt shooting. As it stands, Memphis are 24th in shooting the long ball. If they
The English boy came into the BRL looking like
come up against a team like Golden State or LA Clippers, they’ll need to either close
a poster boy. He is now the Warriors resident
out on the 3 ball and leave some holes down low, or take their chances on allowing
ginger-beard man.
the long ball. At the start of the season, Cleveland looked baaaaaad. Nothing was working for them. But, now they’ve sorted their shit out and are actually playing like a team. This makes them a dangerous team to face come playoff time. They might have an off night, but they have everything they need to make a long playoff run. Cleveland can score a
SAFE BET Made up odds for real sports
heap of points in any game, so if anything is going to slow Cleveland down, it’s their defence. They have given it some improvement over the year, but they have a few
Safe Bet: Norwich to beat Brighton (odds unavailable right now)
players who are known for being average defenders. You never know what Cleveland
Bit of a Risk: Norwich to win the English Championship $4.75
team is going to show up, which could make them a bit of a wild card.
Long Shot: San Diego Padres to win MLB World Series $21
WEIRD SPORTS RECORDS
Rock, Paper, Scissors Tournament
Greatest Distance on a Treadmill
Fastest Marathon in Fruit Costume
Fastest Racing Snail
The largest RPS tournament was held
Irishman Tony Mangan ran 251.79 miles
England’s Sally Orange, (dressed as an
At the 1995 World Snail Racing
by 793 players at Brigham Young
in two days on a treadmill.
orange) finished the London marathon
Championships a snail named Archie
in 4 hours, 32 minutes, 28 seconds.
zipped across the 13-inch course in 2
University in 2008. A record which we could totally beat.
minutes and 20 second. 7
NEXUS MAGAZINE Entertainment
HOROSCOPES
TRENDING ON TWITTER
Aries (March 21 — April 19) Someone this week is looking up to you as the only role
#REPLACEASONGTITLE WITHSAUSAGE
model in their life that hasn’t let them down. Yet. You’d do well to reflect on this come Friday morning when you wake up in the cells with no pants, no wallet, but 3 new numbers. We’d look up to you too. Taurus (April 20 — May 20) This week a lot of people will respond to your jokes with a, “that’s funny,” rather than an actual laugh. In fact, not one person will laugh at a thing you say and come Friday you’ll be very existential about it all.
Torcuil De Fereneze @TorquilFereneze · Mar 15 The Wurst cut is the Deepest #ReplaceASongTitleWithSausage 3
Gemini (May 21 — June 20) In an effort to heighten your worldliness you will attempt to buy it. Time magazine, National Geographic, Vanity Fair — anything slapped with an international delivery sticker. You’ll forget to read them but your coffee table will climb the social ladder like a true Becky Sharp. Cancer (June 21 — July 22) To constitute Defamation a claim must generally be false. So while you’re running your mouth with legalese baby lawyer, pause and take stock of what you truly have/have not done. If you done it, you get it. *snaps fingers*
Gillian McDade @Gillianmc · Mar 15 My sausages bring all the girls to the yard #ReplaceASongTitleWithSausage 24
are indeed… the one? There is one ultimate fool-proof test and it’s certainly not found in your weekly Nexus horoscope. Get outta here.
prepared for the week’s curveballs, but alas that’s a 4 pack of Redbull after noon for you. Try a decaffeinated herbal tea instead.
23
Danny Brennan @DannyBrennan72 · Mar 15 Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Sausages #ReplaceASongTitleWithSausage 33
Virgo (August 23 — September 22) Been looking at the stars for a really long time for this issue. At first this may seem complimentary, like we really care that you’re
43
bekah @AaseBex · Mar 15 #ReplaceASongTitleWithSausage the weiner takes it all 5
Leo (July 23 — August 22) Not sure what real love really entails? Undecided if they
9
55
BarkBox @barkbox · Mar 15 Drop it Like It’s Hot(dog) #ReplaceASongTitleWithSausage 673
1,291
Libra (September 23 — October 22) Fantasies of nonsense serve a purpose, so indulge and welcome where the mind fairies take you. But if they lead you down into the dark recesses of a repressed past, simply pull on the tab and your life jacket will inflate. Scorpio (October 23 — November 21) Heeeey, so there’s this thing happening Friday night, we don’t know if it’s like, your kinda thing but Brad is totally going to be there. Translation: everyone knows you’re fucking Brad. Stop pretending that you’re not fucking Brad. Sagittatrius (November 22 — December 21) The stars will look favourably on you for the remainder of March. Disclaminer: Do not test this theory. Don’t wait till deadline, don’t deliberately open difficult discussions with your significant other. We’re the best
WHAT’S HOT WHAT’S NOT
astrologists in the country, but still — that’s no guarantee. What’s Hot Capricorn (December 22 — January 19) You’ve been very emotional lately, really taking things to heart. We know finding balance in life is stressful but the old adage rings true: things could always be worse. Try moving overseas and discovering that Kiwis have been saying Nutella wrong this whole time (it’s NU-tella… illogical)
1. Natalia Kills and Willy Moon. They’re only going to get hotter… when they go to hell. 2. Longboarding. If you don’t skate, you’re a pussy bitch, or possibly physically unable to — in that instance I am sorry. May science/God remove your predicament.
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18) You’ve been made out to be a bully, which
3. Easter eggs. Who the fuck is Jesus anyway?
NZ clearly does not stand for. Your case is unusual however, in that it’s completely justified… Instax film is expensive Justine; taking more than one selfie WILL get you
What’s Not
kicked out of the group.
1. Bullying. Nexus does not condone abuse, unless it’s directed at
Pisces (February 19 — March 20) If you have to force it, it’s not meant to be. We know
2. Salient magazine. How much lube did it take to get their heads so
you’ve given it your all but if you can’t make it work the first, second, or third time…
far up their butts? Hint: probably not much because they all have ibs
management students.
You might have picked up the wrong set of keys today. Take a seat on the stoop and call your flattie.
8
N.04 / V.47
and gluten intolerance. 3. The Bachelor New Zealand. I wanted drama. DRAH-MAH.
Entertainment NEXUS MAGAZINE
PLEASE DON’T QUOTE ME
BEATS BY J
“TINDER SCARES ME. I THINK IT’S A TOOL FOR MURDER.” – Lena Dunham
“I’M NOT A WOMANISER, BUT I AM A RECOVERED EGO ADDICT.” – John Mayer self-diagnoses
Beats by J
“I HAVE A FETISH FOR PINCHING CHEEKS.” – Rapper Common
Snoop Dogg Peaches N Cream Madonna Bitch I’m Madonna
“I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO STITCH SOMEONE’S SKIN TO YOUR FACE AND THEN KILL EVERYBODY.” – Willy Moon
George Maple Where You End And I Begin Ben Khan 1000 Zedd I Want You To Know Jess Glynne Hold My Hand Parra for Cuva Wicked Games (Radio Edit) Broiler Wild Eyes GRMM Electrify Calvin Harris Dollar Signs Follow nexusmagazine on Spotify
BEST OF THE WEB
FASHION PHOTOGRAPHERS ON INSTAGRAM
@deanastacia
@inezvinoodh
@petrafcollins
@danaboulos
Bohemian girls being cooler than you,
Fashion photographers Inez Van
Lula photographer, Petra Collins has
An all American girl who takes
what more can I say?
Lamsweerde and Vinoodh Matadin
a knack for creating fantasy girly
inspiring photos with a comedic touch.
post fashion photos, as well as their
imagery.
adorable son Charles Star. 9
NEXUS MAGAZINE Left vs Right
EDUCATIONAL AMENDMENT ACT The Education Amendment Act 2015 recently passed parliament. The act aims to create a new professional teaching body with a reworked composition of government and educators. LEFT
RIGHT
As part of their ongoing march through the institutions, the government has
The Education Amendment bill is a fairly wide reaching bill, specifically dealing
passed the Education Amendment Bill. The main focus of this bill is to establish
with the governance of tertiary institutions, private training establishments and
a new governing body for the education biz to replace the Teacher’s Council.
international students.
While the Teacher’s Council is, as the name implies, made up of teachers, the
The big change that directly relates to the general student body is the reduction
new authority called EDUCANZ, is again, as the name kind of implies, not quite
in the size of councils. A lot of academics are up in arms about this, because the
as straight forward. As well as taking the word ‘teacher’ out of the name of
Ministry of Education will have the power to appoint roughly 40% of the seats
the organisation, the government will be taking out some of the teachers,
on the council - giving the government a large voice.
while registered teachers will still make up the majority of the EDUCANZ membership, its governing council will also have a proportion of people with
So who are the council and why do they matter?
backgrounds in finance, governance, and if past precedent with these kind of
The council are the great people, so in touch with the student community.
exercises is anything to go by, general cronyism.
They made sure your fees didn’t go up too much last year, and that Studylink
The removal of explicit references to ‘teachers’ in favour of ‘educators’ is also strategic because as the controversial charter schools policy is rolled out registered teachers will no doubt decrease as a proportion of EDUCANZ members to be replaced by drill sergeants, religious fundamentalists, and other people who can’t justify their access to children. As for universities, their councils will supposedly be tuned up by shearing their size down to 8-12 members by 2016. Apparently it’s time to axe some of those
would cover the costs of your halls. Ok I’ll stop taking the piss. These people are completely disconnected from you—in fact, I can probably say anything about them, because they won’t read this. Chances are you’ve heard of one or two of them (maybe). This is an important debate, but what students should focus on is our loss of voice. A student (currently WSU president Shannon Stewart) sits on the council. This amendment takes that away.
luxury representatives. Tertiary Education Minister, Steven Joyce says smaller is
The big argument is that we need to keep academics on the council. Right now,
better. He thinks councils should be more ‘skill-based’, read: technocratic, and
there is a former Prime Minister, the Vice Chancellor, a University administrator,
have more ‘membership flexibility’, read: less democratic. As Steven Joyce and
3 academics, 10 professional board members/business people and one student.
Hekia Perata are quick to point out, schools will still be able to choose who goes on their councils, albeit within a decreasing number of spaces. However, the technocrat-teacher combo of the EDUCANZ council will be entirely appointed by the Education Minister. The significance of the changes will be clearer down the line, but it does seem symptomatic of a particular approach. Increasing bureaucracy in the name of efficiency, circumscribing democracy in the name of choice.
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There is a good argument to get rid of some of the places on the council, provided there is still a student seat. If you can cut out half the professional board members, you’re probably going to make better decisions that actually reflect what’s happening on campus.
Reviews NEXUS MAGAZINE
FILM REVIEW
FILM REVIEW
A LITTLE CHAOS
CHAPPIE
Richard Swainson
Jared Wooldridge
It’s easy to see what attracted Alan Rickman to this project.
A couple of weeks ago, Neill Blomkamp was announced as the
Aside from giving him a plum role as the 17th century French
director of the next Alien movie. If this news had come after
monarch Louis XIV, as director Rickman gets to play in the
the release of District 9, I would have been excited. Even after
celebrated palace — and gardens — of Versailles. Starring Kate
Elysium, I would have been hopeful. But now, with Blomkamp’s
Winslet and featuring such veterans as Stanley Tucci, Pride &
new film Chappie, the law of diminishing returns has not inspired
Prejudice’s Jennifer Ehle and Emma Thompson’s mum, Phyllida
confidence for the fifth Alien movie. Chappie just feels odd,
Law, A Little Chaos is just what you might expect from a British
mixing the 80’s-style treacly sentimentality of ET with the
costume drama: well acted and pretty to look at. There’s a large
violence and techno-dystopia of RoboCop. While this might
audience for this sort of thing.
have been an interesting combination, here it crashes and burns
Looked at critically there’s plenty wrong with the film. Three
in a mess of a story.
stories are imperfectly juggled at once, resulting in a stop start
The idea for Chappie feels like it has been covered countless
narrative and thematic inconsistency. Winslet’s Sabine De Barra
times before, and by far better movies. In short, in a world
is — improbably — a women landscape designer and gardener
patrolled by police robots, one robot gains the ability to think.
who charms her way almost by accident into the French court
Original. The titular robot is brought to life through motion-
and her boss’ bed. She is haunted by memories of a dead
capture, and the movie cannot be faulted for its brilliant visual
daughter and flashbacks to the incident prove repetitive and not
effects. However, there is just nothing whatsoever giving these
that interesting, especially in comparison to those that feature
visuals any substance.
Rickman’s melancholy king.
A major problem with the story is that it plays with some big
As a grand romance A Little Chaos falls flat, with little chemistry
ideas, but drops the ball on handling them. Blomkamp has
between Kate and male lead Matthias Schoenaerts. Surprisingly,
tried xenophobia and class-systems before, and with Chappie
for a Winslet vehicle, the bodice ripping is delayed and rather
it appears that he is tackling the argument of nature vs nurture.
tame. While the film stops short of turning De Barra into a fully
He fails in handling this theme, with a muddled story and the
fledged proto-feminist in both dialogue and characterisation
incessant need to stop every now and then, just so that Hugh
it fails to convey the realities of court life and anachronisms
Jackman’s one-note villain can appear and blow something up.
abound. However, Versailles is easy on the eye and I suspect most will be entertained.
Chappie the robot learns and grows. Chappie the movie just feels like babysitting a terrible child who just cries and throws up on screen. It is not a pleasant experience.
11
NEXUS MAGAZINE Reviews
FOOD REVIEW
BOOK REVIEW
YAKO’S CAFE AND RESTAURANT
UNBROKEN BY LAURA HILLENBRAND
Caitlin Orton
Kelsie Morland
After struggling to find the perfect restaurant on four very
This non-fiction book was released in 2010, but was only just
hungry stomachs, I finally took three of my friends to Yako’s
picked up and adapted into a feature film by none other than
Cafe and Restaurant, Victoria Street. I’ve had Mediterranean
Angelina Jolie-Pitt last year. Taking the cinemas by storm, the
food before so I was expecting things to be pretty spot on. I’m
acclaimed novel is finally getting the recognition it deserves.
not going to lie though, this was a very interesting meal.
This book follows the life of Louis Zamperini, born in America in
The restaurant was quiet so we were served fairly fast and
1917. Although the beginning of the book does drag on a bit, with
ordered even quicker, but then came shock number one.
the early life of an impossible child, once you power through it,
Friend A received her caramel latte and was stunned to find
this novel will have you hooked. His exploits on the track in long-
herself staring at a glass of warm milk with the barest hint of
distance running, his competing in the Olympics to the eventual
coffee or caramel taste. As a Robert Harris employee she was
break out of WWII are intriguing and heart-warming, but it’s
definitely puzzled by the drink. The starter was meant to be a
when the plane crash happens that the real addiction occurs.
bowl of “hand cut oven roasted chips” with a drizzle of garlic sauce. However, “hand cut” turned out to be bulk frozen from Pak’n’Save. The waitress explained that the oven wasn’t hot enough yet and so she bought these out so that we wouldn’t get angry waiting. It was sweet of her but I’d rather get the quality I paid for. Forty minutes later Friends B and C were disappointed
Imagine having to survive in the middle of the open ocean with the enemy constantly looming overhead, the threat of starvation and dehydration barking on your doorstep. This novel really exposes the strength of both the body and psyche, and what it truly means to be human.
when their Pork Belly meals were brought out. To be fair, they
The truly remarkable and captivating aspect of this book is the
got what they paid for (under twenty dollars won’t get you much
fact that all of the exploits within this novel are the extreme
when it comes to pork).
struggles of a real human being. I also recommend seeing the
I would have happily left without complaint but Friend A was still confused by her latte. According to the waitress, it was not a “cultural recipe” but the way all lattes are made. Funny that.
movie. It’s easy for us to imagine things happening to characters in a book, but putting a heartbeat, a real face, to the protagonist gives this book a more invasive and very real atmosphere. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I highly recommended this book.
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Reviews NEXUS MAGAZINE
APP REVIEW
MUSIC REVIEW
GOOGLE FIT
LOST IN THE DREAM BY THE WAR ON DRUGS
Melissa Stevens
Hp
This is for all my android brothers and sisters. You have probably noticed that random colourful heart shaped Android app that appeared on your phone a couple of months ago. This is Google fit: Google’s fitness monitor.
The War on Drugs’ third and critically acclaimed album, Lost in the Dream, is a middle distance runner. It’s a combination of precision moments and acutely accurate decisions that appear to be nothing but fluid motion. The steady rhythms, strategic peaks, and troughs, have led this band to their most successful
Google Fit is an app that passively tracks your daily fitness;
record — we were constantly reminded of this when the
be it walking, cycling or running. It’s pretty much a glorified
Philadelphia natives took to the Powerstation in Auckland in the
pedometer with some fancy features and some very pretty
final throws of 2014.
designs.
Opener, Under the Pressure, is the quintessential meandering,
It’s a good app if you just find it interesting to see how far you
sweeping syncopation that has had people gushing over The
have walked each day, but if you are looking for a serious fitness
War on Drugs. Lead vocalist, Adam Granduciel’s isolation and
tracker, then this app isn’t for you. It’s good for people who aren’t
the sadness that inevitably accompanies such loneliness, seeps
super into fitness; you can set a goal for 30 minutes per day and
out through the delicate guitar picking and blurry overdubs. The
complete it just walking around uni. It’ll give you that satisfaction
album then swings into lead single, Red Eyes, which sits atop
gym people get but with none of the hard work or commitment.
a guitar build up and echoing vocals that manages to stretch
The app does have its fair share of bugs. It can only track horizontal movement so if you went on a 3 hour hike up a mountain it would count it the same as just regular walk to the
out to a range of listeners. It’s not a single that would typically dominate mainstream radio, but you probably shouldn’t tell Radio Hauraki that.
shops . It also struggles to tell the difference between running
The album’s slower moments, like the title track among others,
or walking and most of the time the cycling aspect of it doesn’t
etch beautiful layering of saxophone and bass guitar into our
even work.
ears while wistful vocals float out like so many smoke signals.
iPhone users don’t get too upset; it’s nothing special. A much better version of this app is another app called Move (compatible with iPhones). But for a free app, you might as well give it a try.
Lyrics that hint at topics while the band sweep up the edges and deliver complex and endearing songs, time after time. It’s such a rich and almost velvety album, which might make it hard to take in all in at once, but spend some time with it, train with it, and slowly its secret methods unfold.
13
NEXUS MAGAZINE 50 Years of Nexus
Columns
iShit
Ahoy. Apparently this is the polyamory edition of Nexus, which pretty much makes it home turf for Vitamin C. So in the theme of ‘fucking
I’d like to start by sending a big “Fuck You” to Apple computers. I hope you all rot in hell, you money grabbing wankers. Ok, Maybe I’m a little
lots of people’, I’ve decided to share the love.
angry but I don’t doubt that there are many people out there with broken iPods who are with me. It’s hard to look around at Uni these days and not see someone with an iPod. They are everywhere. But for every 3 or 4 people you see with an iPod, there is one person who doesn’t have one because theirs is in a broken heap at home.
For a start, I’ve received a little feedback here and there from you
What can I say? We all got duped. We got the wool pulled over our eyes. Lots of us wanted one. They were so appealing, so slim, so attractive. They could fit in your pocket and didn’t require batteries. They were great. But, like so many slags seen weekly in the clubs, they were better on the surface than they really were. Beneath that gleaming, shiny exterior lay a barely functioning heap of silicon that would ultimately be nothing more than a massive disappointment. The story of my iPod has been one sorry saga. After having it freeze on me countless times and restoring factory settings (which wipes all your songs so you have to reload all of them again) about 6 times, I was still frequently getting that ‘sad face’ icon that is almost as annoying as that idiotic paper clip on Word. So I finally gave in and took it in to be serviced under my warranty. I was told to call back in two weeks and it would be ready to pick up. Five weeks later, it arrives, having not been touched because of a tiny dent in the casing, which was, according to Apple, a sign of “significant user abuse”. The moral of the story is that the “totally portable, take-anywhere music device” should be kept in bubble wrap, and not be removed from the box in case it should get a scratch and thereby make it void of warranty.
pathetic little plebs. Most of it was near unintelligible praise, here is my favourite of the lot: “hay splt decision u gys r soo funy u crak me up lol u shld rite abt how gay emos r lolz p’s out xx tracy” [sic] Yep, another of our fine BA students. As for writing about how gay emos are, I used to hassle those shitheads all the time, about a year ago, back when it was cool to do so. Apparently now it’s the thing to do, kind of like how the hot doctor had a morphine addiction before she worked at the prison, and then she ODs and kills herself after helping the brothers escape in Prison Break. (Spoiler Warning). Here you go Tracy: The next emo I see with cut wrists is going to get a free demonstration on how to kill themselves and/or get attention from their 15 year old girlfriend. Here’s a hint, it doesn’t involve crossing the street or going down the highway - just the jugular. Lincoln was framed for Terence Steadman’s murder because his father betrayed the company. Oh and the other thing, last week was the comic edition of Nexus, and only like 5 people did comics! Or even comix. I spent a couple of hours on mine. I hope everyone reading this chokes. Speaking of choking, the other feedback I get is people who didn’t appreciate the spoilers. It seems there are a lot of Prison Break fans out there. Here’s a few: “You fucking assclown what are you doing Giving away the ending to
The sad thing is I know I’m not alone. Lots of people have had their iPod break down on them. A common problem is a battery that only lasts a year before going flat and needing replacement. Can you imagine the
ISSUE 18 / 14 AUGUST 2006
wrath that Nokia would feel if they made a cell phone that had a battery that only lasted a year before needing replacing? So well done Apple. You got me. Or, more accurately, you got my money. But if this column persuades one person not to buy an iPod, then I’ve done my job.
Prison break. You saved ur own ass by not putting any details. Jeff” [sic] Who would have guessed that in PRISON BREAK, the main characters BREAK OUT OF PRISON? Eat my shit, Jeff. “The vice president kills the president and takes over the presidency. Also T-bag cuts John Abruzzi’s throat, but he comes back later and chops of T-bags arm with an axe.” Gotcha. As for applications to replace Medium Salsa, I only received one and to be honest, the nude picture was far from tasteful – isn’t that right, ‘Sarah’? Don’t think I don’t recognize the Student Village bedroom wall in the background either, sweetie. Call me sometime. So keep those applications coming, remember that number is 0276992022. And don’t forget: Michael gets his shoulder burned and loses a complex part of his tattoo, so he manages to get admitted into the psych ward so he can get to the crazy guy who drew all his tattoos.
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Auteur NEXUS MAGAZINE
Auteur House Presents... “Lay Lines” Richard Swainson
enjoyed a one-night stand. The aloof Swede was said to be “masculine” but “a charming and tender lover”. A Foreign Affair (1948) Billy Wilder’s satirical comedy about the American occupation of postwar Berlin gives Marlene Dietrich her best part of the decade. Dietrich and Greta Garbo had an off-and-on relationship for years. The Searchers (1956) John Wayne’s finest hour. In the early 1940s, Wayne and Marlene Dietrich had a mutually satisfying affair after the sensually voiced Kraut saw the Duke in a studio commissary and whispered to her agent that
Gossip — the when and the where of the who slept with who — is as useful a way of conceiving cinema history as any other. In the following seven decade overview, a star of each movie had carnal relations with a cast member from the previous title. Auteur House stocks — and recommends — all films cited.
“I want him.” Splendor in the Grass (1961) The 16 year old Natalie Wood had a key role in The Searchers. A half decade later, she gave her finest performance thanks to the ultimate method actor’s director, Elia Kazan. Method acting also played a part in
The Tramp (1915)
her off-screen seduction by lothario Warren Beatty, her co-star. It broke
Perhaps Charlie Chaplin’s first masterpiece, this short co-starred Edna
up Woods’ first marriage to Robert Wagner.
Purviance, his leading lady for the next eight years. Although the couple’s real life affair was fleeting Chaplin kept Edna on the payroll until the end of her life.
Annie Hall (1977) Woody Allen turned his real-life relationship with Diane Keaton into an inspired piece of fiction, winning her an Oscar and kicking his own
Pandora’s Box (1928)
career up a gear. Keaton fell for Warren Beatty during the protracted
Louise Brooks is breathtaking as a sexually liberated dancer who is
shoot of Reds two years later.
the ruin of many a man. Three years earlier, when Charles Chaplin was promoting The Gold Rush, the pair had a raunchy summer romance.
Zelig (1983) Arguably the best of the nine movies in which Woody Allen and Mia
Queen Christina (1933)
Farrow co-starred, a dazzling mockumentary in which Woody plays a
Greta Garbo shines in this story of a strong willed Swedish monarch
man who assumes the physical appearance and characteristics of those
caught between love and duty. Louise Brooks and Garbo also once
around him.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature
HAMILTON’S SOMEWHAT UNDOCUMENTED HISTORY Samantha Brill
As told by cute H-Town couple over a cup of tea. “Here I sit, broken hearted,
Thus proceeded, two months later, a surprisingly lengthy
paid a penny and only farted.”
chat at their dining table, where I intended to learn about what they remember of Hamilton, and found out so much
This joke was delivered to me by an old woman, with her
more. Tom had been a photographer for local functions, such
husband chipping in when she could no longer continue.
as engagement parties, 21sts, graduation balls, intellectually
Though I am quite certain she is in the habit of relaying old
handicapped balls, etc. Many of these took place at the Te
jokes only through fits of giggles, this one had a purpose. We
Rapa Race Course Lounge and at Riverlea Theatre, where
had been discussing how much Hamilton had changed, and
Tom was a member of the Model Aeroplane Club, he told
how apparently back in the day you had to pop a penny into
me with a shrugged apologetic giggle. That was the extent
a slot to use a public toilet.
of “clubbing” back then. There was no towning, the couple
When considering Hamilton’s undocumented history, I thought, “Come on now Sam, you can’t research this stuff — its undocumented. Derp.” So my first instinct was to hit the streets. Specifically, my street. See, a couple of months ago my sister-in-law and I were chatting about babies and laptops, when my elderly neighbour peeked over the fence. Wielding a bursting bag of lemons and a hastily scrawled
16
informed me, but balls and dances instead; a “happier, carefree time.” No matter what the occasion, there was always dancing. Iris and Tom were also around when the University of Waikato was first built, starting with the Hillcrest Road Management area. Iris took a bridging course in the nineties, and I was pleased to discover that she found the library just as confusing as I do today.
‘lemon honey’ recipe, Iris Charlsworth proceeded to charm
Tom took on a very serious expression when informing
us completely, joking about her “near dead” husband having
me about the change in Hamilton’s physical appearance,
once heroically chased away a burglar from my flat years
maintaining that the buildings are now much higher
ago. I discovered Iris and Tom had lived here, in the very
and Victoria Street was once lined with businesses, not
same house, since the sixties, where they had raised their
nightclubs and restaurants. The town apparently had three
daughter.
cinemas then, “The Regent”, located on the eastern side of
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Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE
I think of Garden Place now and to be honest, its no place I’d like to get my tits out, whether at a table or lying on the pavement. the river — Iris and Tom remember this one most vividly.
barely anyone was homeless at that time either, and anyone
Tom laughed as if surprised at the memory of having floated
who was in trouble, could take shelter in a hostel on Victoria
down the river on a little boat he won in a raffle at work. The
Street. When the hostel was taken down, however, they
river back then was clean enough to dip your baby in. Asian
admittedly began seeing an increase in homelessness.
tourists drifted by in proper boats, and thinking him bizarre, took photos of him. He accidentally spilled the beans about having had a glass of white wine in his hand, news to Iris, who finished his story off with an, “aw you would!”
day, when it had rained particularly heavily, the Knighton Road roundabout was covered in frogs from the University lake. He also told me how the University used to have no
One comment Iris made about the style when they first
trees, exclaiming it was “like a desert.” Iris and Tom’s friends
moved here in the sixties, was the miniskirt. I told her many
would go fishing at the university every now and then,
girls still kept the tradition alive and not only did she throw
seemingly making more use of the place than I have in the
her head back but rolled her eyes as well! Tom piped in that,
last three years.
at that time, “there was the whole bra-less look, ya see,” and told me about having once seen a woman sprawled out on the pavement at Garden Place breastfeeding. At the memory he burrowed his head into his shoulders, a turtle retreating from society. I think of Garden Place now and to be honest, its no place I’d like to get my tits out, whether at a table or lying on the pavement.
Artwork: Johnny Ryan
Tom couldn’t contain himself as he told me about how one
One thing I gathered after this colourful peek into Hamilton’s history is that our town has seen times of happiness and freedom. Though there may have been incidents of intense breastfeeding and drunken floating, the atmosphere in Hamilton was light-hearted and very much full of life (not homeless people). These days, with everything being documented and blasted over the media, it’s quite humbling
They maintained that when they first moved to Hamilton,
to know what real Hamiltonians have to say about the place
everything was far safer, to the extent that they even left
we call home. Its odd trying to imagine a Hamilton without a
their doors unlocked. Don’t judge me but... I live on Old
uni, and a Victoria Street without a Bar 101, but I kind of wish
Farm Road, so to hear this was a tad shocking. Apparently,
I’d had the chance to feel the atmosphere.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature
MORE THAN CHLAMYDIA Emma Nygard
Hamilton has a diverse array of human beings. Emma’s still going to stereotype them though. When people think of Hamilton, they often associate it with
band shirt? If you answered yes, congrats! You’ve made it
its legacy of being the Chlamydia Capital (an unfair legacy
I can only assume safely to emo-central. I, naively, thought
as the prize actually goes to my hometown of Rotorua), but
this embarrassing trend faded away after year 8 or at least
we are so much more than Chlamydia. We are a melting
after MCR broke up—but walking through GP is like taking
pot of variation. There’s an array of different characters and
a very humiliating traipse down memory lane! Filled with
groups that reside in the heart of the Waikato (some with
the fluro checkered belts and spiked wrist cuffs that I wish
the clap and some without). So, when people ask me why
I could forget.
in the world I decided to move to Hamilton (it’s still one step up from Rotorua) or look down on me for not paying a ridiculous amount to live somewhere else and study the exact same thing, I tend to get a little protective.
Some people idolise their parents or sports stars but a cosplayers idea of a hero is some unrealistically proportioned protagonist in a Japanese cartoon series—and rightfully so.
The next time somebody insults Hamilton for only having
How many times has Goku saved the world again? These
STD ridden students that like to drink more than study (who
people are so passionate about their heroes that for fun they
doesn’t), show them this article to prove we are not all one
replicate their every detail and have enough disregard for
big Hamilton stereotype, we are diverse! In order to prove
originality to bear the full brunt of a Natalia Kills hate speech.
this theory I have done a lot of people watching over the last
I’m only kidding, mostly the costumes feature some unique
week and have jotted down some of the common trends I
flair and look awesome! But cosplayers would perhaps look
have noticed amongst the people of Hamilton.
more awesome and less out of place at Armageddon, rather
The Emo
18
Cosplayers
than in public.
Garden Place is a Hamilton landmark and how can you know
Big City Try-hards
for sure you’re in the infamous attraction? Look around, is
Want to live the big city life without the big city budget?
everybody either homeless or wearing an Asking Alexandria
Of course you do, less money spent on accommodation is
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Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE
more money spent on Karen Walker jewellery, Ruby playsuits and Windsor Smith shoes. Not to mention all the brunching you can do with the added cash. Momento isn’t quite a cute, Ponsonby café but angle it right, put the perfect filter on it and your Instagram followers will never know. The Dirty Hipster Do you rock an alty haircut designed purely to make your future children cringe in embarrassment? *cough* man bun *cough* Do you spend more time at Recycle Boutique than any high street store? Do you secretly want to live in Wellington but are afraid it may be too mainstream? Congratulations! You fall into the ever-growing hipster population of Hamilton! You probably went to Laneway and you probably fantasise about inappropriately touching Matt
So how do you know if somebody lifts? Don’t worry they’ll tell you.
Healy. You will also probably look back at old photos and wonder what the fuck you were thinking! (Pink hair is only cool for so long.) Have fun rocking your unconventional look while everybody else wonders whether you’re hipster or
forever associate Vengaboys with that drunken hook-up in
homeless.
Bar 101. Each year Hamilton welcomes a brand new bunch of
The Dunners Wannabes Let’s kick holes in peoples walls, turn(t) up to random flat parties, create a mob on the street so big the riot police have to come shut it down. Basically lets incorporate everything
they will encounter many drunken nights at Hamilton’s number one student bar! We were all once, as embarrassing as it is in third year to admit, Bar 101 Freshmen.
cool from Dunedin, but make it better because at least we
The Gym Junkie
have insulation in our homes.
My least favourite kind of person because no matter how
LOL Freaks I don’t know much about this game, but what I do know is like 100 people that play it. This fucking game is everywhere, if you know somebody who is off to an internet café just realise they aren’t going to study or do anything remotely
much fitspo gospel you preach, I don’t want to exercise. If this person were a Pokemon they would be a Machamp, big, scary, and wearing very little clothing. In all seriousness though, I’m proud of what these people can physically accomplish. I just really don’t care.
productive they are going to play LOL. This game has such
So how do you know if somebody lifts? Don’t worry they’ll
a huge influence in H-Town that I’ve heard there’s even a
tell you.
boyband incorporating the name (shout out to the League of Lads). It may start out as harmless procrastinating when you can’t be bothered starting that assignment but give it an hour or two and it will transform into a full-fledged addiction. You have been warned.
The High School Student Loud and annoying and in for some serious wake up calls in a year or two. The High School student is somebody everybody who isn’t in High School loathes. They like to hangout in packs at Centre Place where the girls giggle,
The Stoner
buy frozen yoghurt and seem to be competing in a who-
Everybody knows one, the loveable goofball who’s either
can-wear-their-skirt-the-shortest competition and the boys
laughing, sleeping, smoking, or eating with a constant dazed
attempt to look cool in shin length nike socks and caps that
look in their eyes. Probably studies something creative
are reminiscent of the 90’s whilst playing shitty rap music
and arty where a moment of inspiration is a plausible
from their iPhones. Ah to be young again.
excuse not to go to class.
Artwork: Jessamy Topping
students to their ranks, but before truly finding themselves
The Old Person That Consciously Decides to Live in a
Bar 101 Freshman
Predominantly Student Neighbourhood Who Calls Noise
These first years probably have the drinking skill of a 14 year
Control On You At 9PM
old girl sipping on mud shakes for the first time and will
Seriously, fuck off.
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Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE
GREEN AND OBSCENE OR ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SERENE?! Casey Dunstan
In defence of a half decent city with a doubly decent river. Casey explores what makes Hamilton not shit. The year is 2K13 and I am setting sail to an exciting new land. The sea is State Highway 1; my ship, a Honda Odyssey
do genuinely love Hamilton.
courtesy of my parents. As for this mysterious island on
You may ask, why do I love a city that is so notoriously
the horizon; it was dubbed ‘Clap City’ in my homeland of
bland? This city without the partying of Dunedin, the culture
Auckland, a name which I later learned all too well (jk... ew).
of Wellington, or the diversity of Auckland; a place you pass
Yes I had rejected Auckland University when they told me I got in. I even ignored their follow-up research questionnaire wanting to know why. Auckland you had your chance to woo me while I was in high school and I’m sorry but I moved on to a sweeter lover.
Artwork: Ashleigh Matthews
of my life so far. Yes, say what you may about this city but I
through on your way to actual places, with all of the STI fame of Tauranga and none of the beaches. Why? Because, actually; we have all of these things (except beaches... we definitely don’t have beaches here). But in all seriousness, I got to party it up all of first year without having to worry about maybe getting bottled by some naked scarfie on a
My decision, two years ago to ditch stanky, stanky Auckland
tricycle. Who needs vodka and flaming couches when you
for the lush and tranquil settlement of Hamilton was an
have up to five people in your room and a box of room
unpopular one amongst my friends. They tore apart my solid
temperature beer at Bryant Hall? And besides, surely
justifications such as “but it has trees and stuff” and “there’s
there’s more to student culture than being blind drunk all
a giant river!” The truth is, they could never see what I saw.
the time. As for Wellington and all its ‘culture’ and obscure
So what did I see? To be totally honest, I’d scarcely visited
cafes; we actually have pretty good coffee here (if you go
Hamilton in my life, so all I really saw was a clean slate with a
off campus) and naming your favourite café is unlikely to
bunch of people I’d never met—plus a cool sounding degree
sever friendships either. As far as comparing Hamilton with
that was just like a BA but with science. However, while I did
Auckland goes… Just don’t, that city is a student’s nightmare
move to Hamilton more or less on a whim and a vague notion
and we should all be blissful that we don’t have to deal with
of a new start; it has actually proven to be the best decision
its squalor and shitty public transport.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature
If Hamiltonians wanted their own Auckland they would fuck off and drive the hour and a half it takes to get there.
But something is missing here and it seems to me that
accessible. Cool features you can expect include boardwalks,
what Hamilton really lacks is a unique identity; something
jetties, more ‘beaches’ along the river and maybe even a
its citizens can cling to after countless crude STI remarks
new footbridge across from the Hamilton Gardens which
from snooty Aucklanders. Of course if you talk to our local
will begin to feature some kind of awesome WATER gardens
MP David Bennett then he’ll tell you what Hamilton needs is
right on the edge of the river!! You may grasp that I am
growth! We need to build a giant road so that Aucklanders
excited about what is in store for the murky river that I love
can get here easier and we need to expand and develop
to swim in, and you may be sceptical yourself but in 10 years
until we are big enough to rub wieners with Auckland and
when the Waikato is starting to resemble clear water, you’re
be big shot stars too. I don’t think growth is the key though;
gonna love it too! And yes, it may take a long time before the
if Hamiltonians wanted their own Auckland they would fuck
river is clear enough that you classier students will decide to
off and drive the hour and a half it takes to get there. We
swim in it, but that’s okay because this big exciting project
have so much potential to be cool in our own way; I mean
will probably take 20 years anyway! It may be more than 20
we have a great big fricken river! Let’s capitalise on that! In
years in fact.. Which is a significant catch to all of this fun
fact, that’s exactly what’s happening right now! Yes, that
unless your post-study plan is to settle down in Hamilton or
same local council that brought you ‘Piss Off Bum! You’re
become an academic. But hey! At least when you’re sending
Homeless’ has actually come out with something pretty
your kids here in 20 years they won’t have to be worried
damn exciting and as far as I can tell so far; it doesn’t shit all
about Hamilton being renowned for no more than a muddy
over the unfortunate.
river and high STI rates right?!
So, the River Plan. Basically, the council has realised that this
And that; is the discrimination free future that I believe in
massive river our city is built around is a major asset that
for Hamilton.
can be exploited for both local joy and the making of cash dollars too. The plan consists of developing the Waikato riverfront, particularly on the central city side, but also over here in Hamilton East, with the aim of making the river more
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In the meantime, I’ll keep loving this place as I always do because somebody needs to!
NEXUS MAGAZINE Your Space
Little Rascals: Hillcrest It’s easy to forget that some of us student flatties are blessed with a blessing-less lifestyle. I’m talking children — also known as money-sucking grubbers who will suckle on your teat til 18, but refuse to even call you at the end of the day. My friend Jordan (he works on a goat farm) lives here with a gaggle of males and a couple with two young children. It’s easy to forget how tough raising kids is when you see their adorable faces. “I want one,” I think for a split second, before realising I can’t sustain my toenails, let alone a lifeform. A DIY gaming arcade machine made out of wood and a TV sits pride of place in the living room. The two children are stuck to it like feathers to glue. The home is full of knick-knacks, much of which are Tui related. These kids are going to grow to be a little bit quirky.
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Photography: Cameron Robinson
Your Space NEXUS MAGAZINE
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Blind Date NEXUS MAGAZINE
Blind Dat� Brought to you by The Bank and 97.8 The Edge. Each week nexus attempts to make a love/sexual connection. if you’re keen for a date on us, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz
XX
XY
With no plans for St Patricks day and nothing exciting organised
I got to The Bank before my date. I waited there for around 10
for dinner, when a friend tried to rope me in to the Nexus blind
minutes until I thought she’d stood me up. I was about to text
date, it didn’t take much to convince me. Who am I to say no to
my mates to come and have a beer, since it was St. Patricks day,
free dinner, drinks and possibly a future husband?
but as I was about to send the text she arrived.
I dressed in green, of course, and was nervous turning up to
She was not too bad looking and I had not been laid in a
The Bank — but the nerves didn’t last long. The young man in
while, so I was not complaining. It felt really awkward at first. I
the corner turned out to be easy on the eyes, chatty and an
introduced myself and I asked her if she wanted to get drunk or
all-round decent guy. He did order a pint of Waikato though, so
if she wants to get food. Unfortunately, she said food, I wasn’t
that lost him a few brownie points.
very hungry but it’s alright.
The conversation and alcohol flowed freely and we spent the
We ordered some drinks and food. Things seemed to be going
time sharing stories and getting to know each other. The bar
good, except I think I made her feel fat because when she was
staff were all too happy to feed us drinks, and with cocktails and
eating, I wasn’t. I just saved my meal for lunch the next day. We
shots in us we loosened up and chatted about all sorts.
end up chatting a bit more and the drinks were flowing.
Everything was going swimmingly until my workmates
Then, out of nowhere, her dad and boss turn up. It was super
(including my father!) wandered in. They all thought it was just
awkward. I didn’t really know what to do, so I just kept drinking.
hilarious, but luckily my boss and Dad didn’t seem to mind. It
They left and we carried on with the date. We spent all the
made for interesting conversation at work the next day too.
bar tab so she ended up buying me a few drinks, I was pretty
The Lady’s Experience
Not long after the meet-the-father incident, we said our goodbyes, with a kiss on the cheek, but no numbers were exchanged. He seemed like a great guy but I’m not so sure if
The Gentleman’s Experience
stoked. She invited me out for a drink after but for some stupid shit reason I said no. I picked up some chips and was kicking myself the whole way home. I can’t even remember her name.
I’ll be meeting him again anytime soon. However, the night was still young and it was St Patricks day after all. I took my green dress to meet up with friends and ended the night with a kiss from an Irish man. A really great night, thanks to Nexus and The Bank and maybe the next girl will be the one to find her future husband.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns
A FASHIONABLE LIFESTYLE
“I HAVE UNDER AUTHORITY THAT NO ONE HAS, OR EVER WILL, READ MY COLUMNS.”
How to Ruin Your Outfit
and politics, it’s that small butts are undesirable, and ultimately,
Jess Wilson
for Ed Hardy. However, I have under authority that no one has,
quite embarrassing. Just like your management degree. Ed Hardy If you read my articles last year, you will be familiar with my hatred or ever will, read my columns. So what’s my point? I can write whatever I want. 666 illuminati hail Satan. Knee-High Converse
If you’re like me, you never fuck up. You are a celestial being who bathes in the beauty of facial symmetry and the ability to balance life, work, and study. Your butt is also very nice (do recommend), but that’s far from the point.
Bonus points if you’re wearing a hot-pink bra from Cotton On Body. Visible bra straps are okay, however if the bra straps are thicker than the top’s straps, then you probably look like you drink
point out: I’m a total fuckup. One time, I wore kitten heels. I know.
Monster and quote Eminem.
In this Harvard-approved education piece, I will inform you of the
Ugg Boots
common ways outfits are ruined. Read carefully, fellow fuckups.
Explaining this is pointless. I might as well write a column about
There’s only one person a wide belt looks good on: not you. Wide belts rarely perfect an outfit; instead they smother your curves
why eating humans is bad and/or why killing a rando man is totally not chill. It’s on par. Off topic, but do you think I could use human skin as an alternative to leather?
and make you look like a 2007 pop-princess fan girl. Rule of
Baggy Surf Jeans
thumb, when adding something to an outfit, remember that it
Unless you have quite literally shaped a pair of pants out of ocean
must always improve your look. If not, don’t wear it. This is why
water (then congrats), surf jeans are the end to all decent outfits.
I am naked at all times.
A well-fitted pair of jeans is always in fashion—they also go well
Big Butt Pockets
N.04 / V.47
Spaghetti and Bra Straps
If you’re yet to understand my pseudo-asshole shtick, let me just
Wide Belts
28
Come at me.
with practically everything.
Larger-than-life pockets on your cheeks make your butt look
Kitten Heels
relatively small. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from hip-hop, porn,
Fuck you.
Columns NEXUS MAGAZINE
AUNTY SLUT
“I’M NOT ADVOCATING SHOVING YOUR VIBRATOR UP HIS BUM (AT FIRST)”
Good Vibrations Aunty Slut
got one of those weird flesh-ish coloured dongs, he’s got to be pretty stupid to feel intimidated by it. Hell, even if it is a huge flesh coloured dong with added ribbing, anyone who thinks a sex toy can replace a person probably shouldn’t be trying to have any kind of relationship with someone, let alone a sexual one. Yes, they vibrate. Yes, because of the way our cunts work, vibration
Dear Aunty Slut, How can I convince my boyfriend that my vibrator isn’t going to replace him? He’s making me paranoid because he keeps going on about how I’ll desensitise my pussy if I use it and then anything he does won’t feel good. Is that true? No Buzz Dear No Buzz, In a word, no. A world of no. A canyon of no. A fucking abyss of no. Using a vibrator will not desensitise your pussy, the same way having a lot of sex won’t stretch it. These are myths used to steal your pleasure from you — they have no basis in scientific fact. The next time he talks about your vibrator replacing him, ask him if his hand is replacing you and I’ll bet my bottom dollar he’ll say it’s a pretty poor substitute. No matter how much moisturiser he puts on it, his hand is just a means to an orgasmic end — the same as your vibrator is. Some advice columnists would advise you to choose the vibrator that looks the least like a penis so he doesn’t get jealous. But I can’t remember the last time I saw a sparkly purple penis with a vibrating starfish poking out the top of it, so unless you’ve
is often the fastest way to an orgasm. But’s it’s not necessarily the best way, or the most pleasurable way. You can add a sex toy into oral, anal, or vaginal play and it won’t replace anything — it’ll just make it BETTER. Sex toys are a great way to heat things up in the bedroom, and they don’t just feel good on girls. I’m not advocating shoving your vibrator up his bum (at first), but if you’re doing it doggy style you can often get your clit and his balls with it at the same time. Or you touch his perineum with it while you suck his cock. There are a million different ways introducing a vibrator into your sex-life can make it better, and only one that can make it worse (hint: that one way is some boy getting his panties in a twist because he’s scared to try something new.) Uncle Slut loves my vibrators. He loves it when I use them on myself, he loves it when I use them on him and he really loves it when I use them on both of us. It feels good, and isn’t that the point? Last I checked, sex wasn’t some kind of weird competition about whose bits or toys we’re the most bestest, it was about mutual pleasure. Go get some! Love, Aunty Slut Send your sexy sex questions to auntyslut@nexusmag.co.nz
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns
THE SINGLE LIFE
“MY STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO PULLING WILL PROBABLY RESULT IN A RESTRAINING ORDER — NOT AN ORGASM.”
The Ugly Side of Being Single Emma Nygard
I don’t know whether to blame Hollywood or social media or John Key for glamorising this messy, tragic single girl stereotype, but it’s kind of become a thing. And as disgusting as I feel after stuffing my face and crying alone to Sam Smith about the boy that doesn’t like me back, Tumblr and Facebook posts (Peppermayo I’m looking at you) reassure me what I’m doing is okay and in no way self-destructive. But the truth is, it fucking is!
The irony in having me write a column about being single is that
As much as I like to justify my own bad habits, encouraging them
I am completely unqualified. Not in being single, as previously
can lead to a seriously unhealthy lifestyle. Anybody who said
stated, I have my lifetime of experience. But I am particularly
food can’t hurt you is a liar! A bar of chocolate makes me happy
uneducated on the subject of being both single and interesting.
probably for about the same amount of time as a boy can, but
I don’t date, I occasionally (after a few too many tequila shots)
afterwards the only evidence it was ever there are the pimples, a
one night stand but mostly I just sit at home, binge eat, and watch
tummy roll and the low self-esteem it leaves me with. (In saying
enough anime to consider myself semi-fluent in Japanese.
that, boys are equally as painful and can also leave you with itchy
To anybody who is senile enough to read my weekly dose of junk:
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rashes, a bulging tummy, and low self-esteem.)
do what my friends do and totally disregard any relationship
Just remember to look after yourself; it can be easy to indulge
advice I offer. My step-by-step guide to pulling will probably result
yourself in self-pity because sometimes it is lonely sleeping
in a restraining order — not an orgasm. So instead of preaching
starfish style in your double bed. Just remember your life is not an
Brian Tamaki style about something I know nothing about, imma
American rom-com and your perfect man is not written in for you,
lay down the ugly truth for you and tell you what it’s like to be a
unfortunately the only character you have control over is yourself
self-destructive single.
so make good choices!
This may slightly contradict last week’s feel good, independence
Go out and be sassy, and occasionally eat your weight in chocolate
rant, but there are of course two sides to every story. And here is
— but take it from someone who knows, don’t make it a daily
the ugly side.
occurrence.
Columns NEXUS MAGAZINE
ALC 101
“IT’S BETTER TO BE A FIBBER THAN A LONELY SAD SACK WALLOWING IN DRUNKEN SELF-PITY.”
Lesson Four: Drunk Socialising Drunk Professor
Talk to People in Your Tutorials Group assignments are the worst. Or are they? Group work is an ideal platform to make connections, whether you’re one of those idiot management students who spout “C’s get degrees” with a dopey grin on their face, or a perfectionist know-it-all bitch who just has to answer every question in class. Sometimes ‘study groups’ can be a great way to build camaraderie between likeminded people. Just don’t forget to do the assignment at some point. For the most part, if you’re in the same class, there is bound
Humans are social creatures, and reclusive behaviour can result in negative outcomes: specifically isolation and loneliness, an increased risk of depression, low energy, and a lack of motivation. Lacking social interaction can also result in increased consumption of alcohol, nicotine, and the intake of other mood altering substances. Drunk Professor is here to teach you how to make drinking friends, because loneliness and alcohol are a destructive combination, and we can’t have you abusing your liver alone, or offing yourself in an alcohol-induced slump. So, how do you make friends to drink with? Maintain Connections with People from High School
to be something that you can centre small talk around. Strike up Conversations with Randoms Go out on your own, branch out, explore your horizons! Have a few drinks before heading out and then initiate a conversation with someone in town. Make small talk about whatever, or dance on your own — sometimes just being surrounded by people and making eye-contact here and there is enough to give yourself a confidence boost. If you are too embarrassed to admit to your new found friends that you are alone, then lie about your friend ditching you for their significant other. It’s better to be a fibber than a lonely sad sack wallowing in drunken self-pity.
Not having anyone to hold your hair or offer reassurance while
Moral support and practical assistance are important aspects of
you sit on a bathroom floor covered in your own vomit (and
drinking friendships. No matter how you do it, it’s important to
possibly your own piss) is an undesirable outcome of hermit life.
surround yourself with enablers while drinking excessively.
Sometimes you should look to the past in order to move forward. Reach out, and try to maintain connections with fellow school mates who live locally. Build a relationship with the kid you barely
Next week Drunk Professor offers words of wisdom in regards to The Hangover
spoke to despite their presence in every core subject classroom since third form. Hell, if worst comes to worst, build a drinking relationship with your sibling’s friends.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns
THE WEEKLY GRIND
“ZAC SLOWLY LEANS OVER, HIS BUTT-CHEEKS NIPPING JUST THE TIP OF THE MERINGUE.”
Drats! I’m Gay. Resident Gay
Efron’s gross ventures with pies. ‘GoBoris69’ knows all about this type of trauma. He likewise has experienced Zac Efron sitting on dessert items, but in his case, Zac violated a selection of caramel dipped churros. The big-dicked boy (BDB) now begins to ask the real questions, shaking more with each character typed: “I think I might be gay, I just gave into Zac Efron’s repulsive attraction to desserts. Does this make me gay? Help.”
Flashback. A runty 16 year old boy with braces and a big dick sits
‘Ms. Betrayed’ chimes in on the issue almost immediately, sharing
at his laptop, montaging visions of a naked Zac Efron sitting on a
a solution to the issue at hand: “You are probably just bisexual.”
selection of dessert pies, not excluding lemon meringue. These
BDB (Big Dick Boy) jumps in relief and his internal pain implodes.
dark thoughts consume the boy making him feel things he won’t
“Yes! That’s it! I’m totally bi-sexual or whatever.” Rushing to his
dare tell a soul. With each flattened pie he is dragged deeper
speakers, he plays Lady Gaga — Love Game at full volume and
into the abyss of Zac’s cute bum. Whistle tones of Mariah Carey
proceeds to dry hump his bedroom wall for over an hour. Yeah, he
overwhelm his body as Zac approaches the fourth and most
knows how to do bisexual.
audacious pie: The Lemon Meringue. Zac slowly leans over, his butt-cheeks nipping just the tip of the meringue. Will he flatten the pie like the others? Or will he just caress this one with his tush? Questions which prove all too much for the boy as he gives in, filling his palms with liquid regret.
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Present Time. A lanky 20 year old man with big teeth and an even bigger dick sits at his laptop, remembering how he cried when Sarah from work tried to get with him. He remembers the paralysing fear of admitting being gay to another human, but also the spiritual ascendance of finally being able breathe again. Most
The boy is now angry with Zac. “What the fuck Zac? Sitting on
of all he remembers the moment that his dick disproportionately
pies is NOT ok. Why would you put me in a trance like that? This is
doubled in size when he came out. See! There’s nothing to be
all your fault!” He turns to his one and only confidant, the ever wise
afraid of. Accepting you’re gay has its benefits too, like proven
Yahoo Answers. As it happens, he is not the only victim of Zac
penile growth.
Columns NEXUS MAGAZINE
CARNAGE
“...RECENTLY MY BALANCE HAS RESEMBLED THAT OF A DRUNKEN TODDLER IN STEEL CAPPED BOOTS.”
I’m a Lil Bitch Jules Craft
promotional control over the university campus; sad and tragic — both your guys’ music sucks. What I do want to say is that my decision to skip out on a few out of control outings with my boys and girls is simply because my mind needed a break. Your brain’s an organ, and much like your lungs or your stomach, if you keep feeding it shit for long periods then it’s going to fuck out. I didn’t slow down during summer with workload or the break of dawn
It may shock, excite, but most likely disappoint you to know that this self-proclaimed party animal spent the entirety of O-Week sober. Yes I know, first and second year me is looking down from the past berating me on the similarities between myself and the sexual female organ. I guess what has surprised me most about the last few weeks (I’ve carried my O-Week streak on) is how damaging my decision to take a break and “Namaste out” has felt on my personal identity. The last time I looked in the mirror I didn’t see a box of Cindy’s smiling back, however, as word has spread it seems that I have indeed committed an act of blasphemy on the church of Craft. I’ve had many a comments and inquisitions but I’d like to take the
dancing and as a result I’m feeling kind of out sync. Everyone’s brains are different and so it takes different levels and times of stress to knock one’s mind off its perch. I’m an absolute advocate for partying, everyone needs a lil taste of seductive socialisation in their life, but I’m also an advocate for balance. However, recently my balance has resembled that of a drunken toddler in steel capped boots. I’m just a young kindergarten kid trying to dare I say it “sober up.” Don’t worry I’m not going straight edge and nah I haven’t found god. I’m just taking some time out to find a routine and regather the inner rock that is my mind. For those out there feeling a little bluesy or out of sync don’t worry, if this menace to society can find some sanity so too can you.
time out to genuinely thank the friends who came up to me and simply asked “Are you ok?” The truth is yes, I’m fine, but at the same time no, I’m not feeling 100%. To go into detail on what’s been stressing me out and making me feel unwell would be like going into detail of the battle between the Edge and Z.M for
Ex oh Crafty. P.s I’d still roll every one of you on the d-floor <3
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns
HAMILTON GEM
MY FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH KIRSTINE, SHE WAS TEACHING JANE EYRE AS SHE CRAWLED AND CACKLED ACROSS TABLES, SMEARING LIPSTICK ALL OVER HER FACE.
Kirstine Moffat Kelsie Morland
across tables, smearing lipstick all over her face. It was from this moment I knew I had to get to know her. Having had Kirstine for 3 years, I’ve never had a dull moment in any lecture theatre, and I encourage anyone and everyone to take at least one paper with Kirstine. Trust me, you won’t regret it. The best way to describe Dr. Moffat would be a modern day Jane
Now of course, Hamilton is filled with gorgeous cafes and wonderful places to explore. But there is one special someone who stands out above the rest. I unfortunately have to stick to a word limit (as I could go on and on about Kirstine), but I will try and inform you of the magnificence that is Kirstine Moffat.
and beautiful personality. An accomplished and incredibly intelligent individual, Kirstine is also one of the kindest people you will ever meet. She attempts (and succeeds) in getting to know her students, even in lectures of over 100 people. Countless times, students have gone to her with personal problems and she’s
is not just any lecturer. She has an aura about her that enthrals
always there with chocolate and a listening ear. Not only is Kirstine
and captivates all that meet her. This means that not only are you
all of these things, she’s a published author, having written ‘Piano
excited about the content that she’s teaching, but you also want
Forte Stories and Soundscapes from Colonial New Zealand’, and
to achieve for her. This is why she has won Teaching Excellence
she is also a music fanatic as well as a versed piano player. In all of my 20 years, never have I met a person quite like Kirstine
If you’ve ever been in one of her lectures or walked past one, you’d
Moffat. It seems a bit redundant calling her a ‘Hamilton Gem’ for
know that her teaching style is a bit quirky. My first encounter with
there is really only one way to describe her. Perfection.
Kirstine, she was teaching Jane Eyre as she crawled and cackled
N.04 / V.47
Victorian dress or skirt. Her fashion sense matching her traditional
Kirstine is an English lecturer at the University of Waikato, but she
awards.
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Austen. You may have seen her around campus in an eccentric
Cooking for Students NEXUS MAGAZINE
Mac ‘n Cheese Zac Lyon
2 large handfuls of cheese (less or more) 2 tsp wholegrain mustard (optional) Breadcrumbs (coarse work better) Parmesan (optional)
Directions (or follow Cooking4Students on YouTube) Congratulations, you have survived yet another week fighting off starvation, alcohol poisoning, and the sea of work you are struggling to keep your head above. While I wrestle with the perils of finishing my thesis (I truly am attempting to take the longest time humanely possible to write the damn thing) it occurred to me that many of you are also slaying your own perilous lives. Thwart with the growing pile of dishes and the new infestation of cockroaches and/or fleas, there needs to be a shining light in your bleak days.
1. Boil some water for pasta (make sure you salt the water) 2. Meanwhile, fry the onion with thyme — put aside once done. 3. Fry bacon in same pan — less dishes makes for a happier flat. 4. To make your cheesy sauce, melt butter, add cornflour to form a paste (roux, pronounced ‘ru’, with a hint of French accent).
Enter dinner. No meal can rile up the flat, warm hearts and sustain energy to
5. Add a fraction (for those doing a BA, this is part of a whole) of milk and
fight the army of cockroaches, like dinner can. Now I apologise if some of my
then whisk to combine. Add the rest of the milk and apply medium heat
dedicated readers have seen this recipe before. But it is so damn easy and
until thickened.
fool-proof, it needs to make an appearance every year, at least once in Nexus.
6. Add cheese and mustard, bacon, and onions. 7. Once pasta is ready, chuck it in a large pot to cook in. Mix in the cheesy
Ingredients 500 g macaroni pasta (macaroni elbows, or any other tubular pasta) 1 large onion (diced) Sprigs of thyme 300 g shoulder bacon (diced) 1 Tbs butter 2 Tbs cornflour 600 ml milk
goodness until all the pasta is covered with sauce. 8. Sprinkle breadcrumbs on top followed by parmesan or just normal cheese. 9. Bake for 15mins at 180C or until golden brown. 10. Cool. Many brave souls have tried to eat this straight from the oven. Not one has succeeded. RIP. 11. Serve with a salad and fine beverage.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE CARE
CLUBS
ADVOCACY
WISA
Getting Around
Waikato International Students’ Association
Sarah & Priscilla
What is the WISA?
Now that O’Week is over, are you not getting around as much? Has your
The Waikato International Students’ Association is a club that works
luck run out, not getting a ride every night?
towards the best interest of international students, enriching their experience on campus; and our vision is to be the core facilitator of their social and academic affairs. How many people have you got as members? We had approximately 120 to 130 students that signed up with our club on clubs’ day, during O-week. However, since we’re closely collaborating
Understandable, we know how helpful our free vans into town were. Don’t worry though, there is still a myriad of ways you can travel safely around Hamilton, so if you’re looking for ride into uni every morning or one back home from town on a Saturday night, there are many options to consider.
with other nationality clubs on campus our membership reaches out to
To University
at least 900 students. So far, the Chinese Students’ Association Waikato,
Carpooling
the Indian Club, Waikato African Students’ Association and the Papua
Not only cheap and easy, carpooling provides the opportunity for some
New Guinea Club have shown their support towards our initiative and our
great banter on a regular basis. This is perfect if you need a ride or just
efforts to maximise the benefit for all international students on campus.
have an empty seat in the car to fill. As always, Facebook is a great
Tell us about this festival? The event we’re planning for the 2nd of April encompasses two of the most celebrated festivals in Asia. The celebration folds in Holi, the festival of colours, and the Chinese Lantern Festival into one extravagant experience. We’ll be showcasing a range of performances to advocate cultural diversity on campus and it is an event open to all students. We have also invited
option. There’s a number of area-specific groups and pages you can join to meet up with others travelling the same way as you. If you don’t have any luck there however, then check out the WSU website for our carpool hub — a listing of different websites you can use to suss out a ride. Have a look, you’ll be surprised at where your classmates travel from, Auckland, Raglan, Rotorua…
thematically relevant food stalls from the Saturday night market based on
Bussing
their suitability to our student budget. Our team is working extremely hard
If you live a bit closer, but don’t want to walk in the rain and cold, then
to make this event a success and we’re sure that all the hard work will
bussing might be for you. Despite the creepy smiles and awkward puns
ultimately pay off.
on their advertisements Hamilton’s busses aren’t half bad. They run all
What does success look like to you? ‘Success’ to us is seeing unity among all nationality clubs on campus and
over Hamilton so check out timetables and fares online at busit.co.nz, and you too could be, “driven to study.” Hah.
ensuring international students are the ultimate beneficiaries. It is crucial
To Town
to understand that as an individual nationality club, not much can be done;
Night Rider
but collectively, a united panel of nationality clubs could make a huge
Don’t judge it before you try it — some of the best trips to and from town
impact on campus and be the voice of all international students.
happen on the Night Rider bus. All of your friends can travel together,
What other plans does WISA have for the year? Besides hosting 2 events this year, our plan is to build a sustainable platform for international students; which is crucial for the growth of the club. We’re
so no-one gets left behind, plus people don’t throw up on the bus half as often as they do in taxis. The Night Rider leaves several times a night from right outside uni, and drops you off on Victoria Street.
hoping to reinforce international student representation on campus and
Taxis
ensure that their needs are catered to. We will do this by discussing issues
Sharing a taxi with a couple of mates is always a cheap way to get into
among a House of Delegates representing each nationality club, finding
town. There’s a heap of different taxi companies in Hamilton, and while
solutions and acting on them. By the end of this year we are also hoping
getting a quote for you was like getting blood out of a stone, we know
to build stronger relationships with the nationality clubs that are already
they do some good deals. When you do find a friendly, cheap taxi driver
showing their support and to extend our membership to at least 80% of all
who lets you belt out Wonderwall all the way to town, be sure to ask for
the nationality clubs on campus.
a business card — that way you’ll be able to get the same great deal next time, and the drivers appreciate repeat business.
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CARE NEXUS MAGAZINE
REPRESENTATION
The Things We Do
EXPERIENCE
Notice Board
Shannon Stewart
We are all guilty of playing to stereotypes from time to time. The drunk
Fly, Survey Monkeys, Fly
student who smokes weed, the mature student who asks inane questions
Now you’ve had a few weeks to recover from #ORI2015, so we’d love to
and the lecturer who goes on irrelevant tangents. Stereotypes allow us
know your thoughts. In this time of reflection you will have reminisced
to make value judgements and from time to time they can be useful.
about the things you loved during orientation and the things you would
Occasionally though we take those preconceived notions and accept them
have liked to have seen. So tell us about them! Congratulate us, educate
to the point where they just become part of how we view the world.
us. You might just win a $250 voucher Pak ’n Save voucher in return for
The one stereotype that I want to address is shown when I hear a student or sometimes a faculty member say “The WSU just does O-Week and
your valuable time. Head to our Facebook page, website, or look out for our newsletter in your inbox.
Nexus, they just care about getting students drunk and happy.” Sure, we do that, but we don’t just do that and it is important to say that. Last weekend we held a family day for students who also happen to be parents. There was facepainting, a clown, a bouncy castle, and an endless soundtrack of music from the Disney Musical Frozen. It’s a great event that isn’t on the scale of ORI but in some ways it is just as important.
Gate 1 Only Gate for Night Glow Don’t mess with the parking people. Your best bets are to leave the car at home and take a bus, or carpool with friends and find a parking space nice and early in Gate 1 or in a sweet side street. Best of luck to you! I think we’ll just walk.
Next week we will be going with 60 international students on our Noho Marae trip. This trip places the students on a marae and gives them a first hand experience of maori culture and tradition and includes practical aspects of Waiata, Poi making and carving. In the weeks that follow we will also be having our first disability lunch to allow disabled students to voice concerns and familiarise themselves with our board and our staff as a potential support network. We have a robust series of seminars on tenancy, financial aide, studylink and budgeting scheduled throughout the semester too. We are also working behind the scenes on low cost food options and making level zero a better resource for students but I will speak more about that in the coming weeks when we have more to tell you.
Nexus Blind Date You know you want to... The Hamilton dating scene might get a little
All this week I have been in meetings with the University Council
small after a few years at uni, so let us hook you up! Both financially and
representing students, their concerns and how we believe we can better
romantically. If you don’t find the one, you’ll at least come away with a free
enhance the student experience. It involves more reading and briefing
feed and a story. One we will print in the following issue. Go onnnn. Email:
documents than I would wish on my worst enemy or an X-Factor judge but
editor@nexusmag.co.nz
it’s important and it has the potential to help students. I guess what I am trying to say is that we love doing O-week but we also
Hakinakina
love doing all the stuff that isn’t sexy. The stuff that is important but seems
Come down to Maori sports day on the field outside the Don’s (Don
really boring to write a column about. Sometimes the stereotype doesn’t
Llewellyn Sports Pavillion) on April 2. There’ll be a BBQ and, well, sports.
actually get close to the real story.
It’ll be fantastic.
If you think theres an event, issue or other area that we are missing out on, feel free to let us know so we can have a look at it, email: president@ wsu.org.nz
37
NEXUS MAGAZINE Snapped
SNAPPED
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N.04 / V.47
Snap nexusmag your shenanigans! The best snap each week (printed with the Burgerfuel logo on it), wins a voucher from our mates. Claim it from the Nexus office at SUB.
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NEXUS MAGAZINE Puzzles
SUDOKU
8
4
1
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9
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2 8
3
2
1 7
8 1
5
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5 9
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EASY
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MEDIUM
9
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1
HARD
CODEWORDS
SLITHERLINK
Each letter in the puzzle is represented by a number 1 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 26. Crack the code to solve it.
Join the dots to create a single continuous loop. The
26
25
22
24 1
9
24
25
2
24
2
22
9
14
9
1
15
14
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9
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4
14 16
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B
24 20
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A
numbers indicate how many lines must surround each number and the loop must never cross itself.
C 9
2
D
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F
7
1
G 26
4
18
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22
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16 14
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24 24
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K L M
4 12
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4 12
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WORD TWIST
C
K
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U W A
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O
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I
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N.04 / V.47
How many words can you make from these letters? The letters must touch horizontally, vertically or diagonally and cannot be used more than once in a word.
12
3
1 1
1
3 2
3 2
3 3
3 2
Q 14
14 7
1
O
4
7
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20
13
R S T
4
U 3
2
P
20 6
2
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N 21
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H I
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2 25
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W
16 16
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V X
18
Y Z
TRIVIAL Who was the first actor to refuse an Oscar? What is the smallest ocean in the world? What is the highest number visible on a dart board?
Puzzles NEXUS MAGAZINE
CROSSWORD
KAKURO
Solve the clues and fill in the words.
Fill all of the blank squares in the grid using only the
1
2
3
4
5
6
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numbers 1 – 9 so the numbers entered add up to the corresponding clue. You cannot use the same number
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32
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58
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more than once in a run (eg. 7, 1, 1).
18
20 23
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62
SIMPLE PUZZLES FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE We don’t know why we keep writing these, chances are you can’t read. It’s a bunny!
Across
42. Commotions (4)
11. “Guilty,” e.g. (4)
1. Homebuilder’s strip (4)
43. Exams (5)
14. Declare (6)
5. Honey (4)
44. Pitchfork wielder (5)
15. After-bath powder (4)
9. Protestant denom. (3)
46. Lawn mower’s path (5)
20. Add to the pot (4)
12. Sound rebound (4)
47. Not mono (6)
22. Digging, so to speak (4)
13. Swelling (5)
49. Goatee site (4)
24. Camera part (4)
15. Be a snitch (4)
50. In-flight info, for short (3)
25. Purple or gold bird (5)
16. Iota (4)
53. Persia, now (4)
26. Maui greeting (5)
17. Yoga position (5)
54. Bicycle part (5)
27. Pub game (5)
18. On the safe side, at sea (4)
56. Smooth-talking (4)
29. Seed coverings (5)
19. ___ Plaines, Ill. (3)
57. Lavish affection (on) (4)
30. Appraise (4)
20. Emanation (4)
58. Not old (5)
31. “Beetle Bailey” dog (4)
21. Glass ingredient (6)
59. Adjutant (4)
32. Actress Channing (5)
23. Pig out (5)
60. Biblical suffix (3)
36. Evict (4)
25. Parry (5)
61. “... or ___!” (4)
38. “I ___ at the office” (4)
26. Heart line (5)
62. Gardener’s spring
39. Foolishness (6)
27. Gossip (4)
purchase (4)
40. Legume (4) 43. Emotional pang (6)
28. Alt. spelling (3) 31. Any Platters platter (5)
Down
45. Marine flier (4)
32. Division of a long poem (5)
1. Bawdy (4)
46. They may get splints (5)
33. Bank offering, for short (3)
2. Advil target (4)
47. Border (4)
34. 1992 Robin Williams
3. Elizabeth George novel (15)
48. Fox/turkey follower (4)
movie (4)
4. All the rage (3)
49. Hat lining (4)
35. ___ de Triomphe (3)
5. Caviar source (6)
51. All or Era alternative (4)
36. “Don’t bet ___!” (4)
6. Dig, so to speak (5)
52. In the sack (4)
37. Even if, briefly (3)
7. ___ carotene (4)
55. Cultivate
38. Circumference (5)
8. Australian runner (3)
56. Neon, e.g.
40. Reveille instrument (5)
9. Elizabeth George novel (15)
41. Big galoot (3)
10. “Smart” one (4)
41