Nexus 2015 Issue 09 by Nexus Magazine

N.09 / V.47

Clarence Street 7am – 10pm, 7 days a week. Phone (07) 839-4056

Sanitarium Weet-bix 750g

Eta Spuds 150g

Cold Power 500g 3 for

Arnott’s Shapes 120g – 190g

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11 MAY 2015 CYBER ISSUE Editor Jessica Wilson editor@nexusmag.co.nz Design Olivia Paris design@nexusmag.co.nz Deputy Editors Brittany Rose Jules Craft

01 EDITORIAL Heyyy

03 NEWS

To Trade or Not to Trade... That May Not Even Be the Question

07 SPORTS The Beast is a Beast

Managing Editor James Raffan News Editor Sam Marelich Contributors Ty Hart Alexander Nebesky Chris Reive Alix Higby Chris Kader Richard Swainson Jared Wooldridge Caitlin Orton Melissa Stevens Kelsie Moorland Hp Peter Dornauf Emma Nygard James Brodie Aunty Slut Drunk Professor Rebecca Pollard Resident Gay Johnny Ryan Zac Lyon Interns Ashleigh Matthews Jessamy Topping Johnny Ryan Cover Artwork Kirsti Hogan Photography Cameron Robinson Advertising Andrew James aj@wsu.org.nz Offices Ground Floor, Student Union Building Gate One, University of Waikato Knighton Road, Hamilton Online nexusmag.co.nz facebook.com/nexusNZ @nexusmag Spotify: nexusmagazine

08 ENTERTAINMENT

Horoscopes / Trending on Twitter/ What’s Hot What’s Not / Beats by J / Yik Yak of the Week

11 REVIEWS

The Gunman / Montage of Heck / Kell’ys Cafe & Bakery / After the Crash

14 ARTS Who Are you?

15 AUTEUR

Auteur House Presents: Orson Welles (Part Two)

16 FEATURES

The Evolution of Social Media / Metadata / Dark Dark Goose

26 YOUR SPACE Geek Central: Hillcrest

28 COLUMNS

The Single Life / ALC 101 / Aunty Slut / The Weekly Grind / She’s Abroad / A Fashionable Lifestyle

34 COOKING Chocolate Self-Saucing Pudding

36 50 YEARS OF NEXUS Internet

37 SNAPPED Send us your snaps!

38 CARE By-Election 2015

40 PUZZLES

Editorial NEXUS MAGAZINE

Heyyy Jess Wilson

skins and cute widgets, and instead forced us to project out our stream of consciousness if we wanted any validation of being an individual. Existing on the internet has become so much more complicated. With so many forms of social media we’re expected to have — Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Reddit, Vine, Pinterest, Tumblr, and Google Plus (lol) to name a few

My first social media account was Bebo. My name changed more often than my sexuality — from BITCHSTOLEMYNAME to PUNKEMOROCKGIRL, I was at the top of my game. Capitals meant passion, they also meant immaturity. Bebo was where battles were formed. Put your friend second on your friends list when she put you first? Find a gash in the side of you scooter (not the cool motorised kind). Feeling like a third wheel because your bestie put someone else as her other half? Start a fire in the food tech room and blame the bitch for it.

— it’s exhausting trying to stay up to date. Whilst some apps like Snapchat may be easier to keep up with — let me guess, you’re either sending me a selfie, something shaped like a dick, or a cat — others like Reddit and Twitter have topics that are vast and unpredictable, making staying in the loop nigh on impossible. The only real answer to solving our FOMO on the internet is to banish ourselves from it altogether — which may seem neither possible nor convenient, but hear me out. Without the internet you will have so much more time on your hands. This time could be used for community work, such as removing

In high school there was Facebook, not to be confused with

road kill from Rototuna streets and cleaning forgotten public

Fuckbook, the unique adult dating site that makes it easy to

toilets in rural areas. Maybe you could start a business from

experience sexual desires and fantasies.

home (no overheads!) selling adorable figurines bent out of

Facebook was where we learnt to stalk without feeling guilty

paper clips. Ever thought about organic farming?

for upping the victim’s view-count — a la Bebo — or using up

Pop over to the Nexus Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and/or

our 20GB of broadband — a la fucking everyone circa 2008.

Snapchat, or email me at editor@nexusmag.co.nz, and tell us

Facebook took away our right to creative freedom via fun

what you’re doing instead of wasting your life on the internet.

NEXUS MAGAZINE Lettuce

Working Out With Your Dick Out Masturbator

Paid Parking A Disgruntled Student

I am rather fucking pissed off by the fact that paid parking is even being considered and that the Vice Chancellor of an academic institute doesn’t see the flaws in these

I just came off a cycle of test and deca. made mad gains during my cycle.

plans. As an out of town student with extra curricular activities and no free days

now comes the crash. its really hard to keep the mass on after cycle due to

because I work all weekend, I’m barely affording to pay for petrol getting to uni

various reasons which im not going to explain here. to combat this i started

each day, and it’s impossible to find a student who can match my timetable and

watching porn during my workout to increase my testosterone during my

accept that I’m in Hamilton most evenings until late. I hate to sound like a pseudo-

workout for maximum gains. honestly this is the best thing i have done all

political we-are-the-1% student but if paid parking gets pushed I’m ready to go

my life. im keeping my mass while enjoying my workouts aroused. plus you

Baltimore on these cunts

get all the qt3.14(cutiepies) mirin more than ever. so for all my gym bros coming off cycle, watch porn to keep the gains. finally,

Also, I’d like to say that I love reading your magazine each week, I have no faults with it whatsoever

i swear wayne rumbles looks exactly like the cia agent of the dark knight.

Punish the Poor?

Wash Your Mouth Out Peter Dornauf.

Mike Burrow, President of Young ACT Waikato Oh dear. Sounds like someone pressed a sensitive button on that dried-up pedant, Why is it that the State, Police and now the University of Waikato want

Henry James 11. Is that the best you can come up Henry without the balls to

to punish the poor? Prices are high and wages are low, yet the ol’ Vice

produce your real name. Did diddums not get his quota this week? What’s the

Chancellor wants to slap a parking fee on top of students’ already stretched

University breeding currently these days at the moment? Wailing nit-picking

budgets. I have never understood why you would use monetary incentives

adolescents by the sounds. Go wash your mouth out. And after that grow a brain

and punishments to change the behaviour of those who have very little.

and some courage you juvenile, feral and pompous quibbler.

A rich person can easily afford a parking fee, or a speeding ticket for that matter. What message is being sent here? That only those with means can drive to uni and speed on the way? Go home Vice Chancellor – you’re drunk!

Bitches With Pitches Kora the Explora

God Loves Aunty Slut A The Medial Eyes

Imagine Aunty Slut’s advice featuring in a university magazine 100 years ago. There would be outrage, and rightly so. How would you feel about your daughter reading Aunty Slut’s advice from the previous Nexus issue? How about her heeding it?

HULLO.

Judgement is nigh my friends. Here’s the Good News - God’s Son was tempted by

I have an idea for an article that involves me riding a rusty-ass spray-

every vice under the sun, but succumbed to none. He chose to die on a cross for your

painted-gold bicycle I bought off of TradeMe. I often go on adventures and

sin. That’s how much God loves you. Three days later, he rose again so you can be set

can write an article that is kinda like a tour guide of cool things to do/see

right with God. Turn from your sins and trust in Jesus. There is salvation in no other.

in Hamilton. HMU

Smitty, Be Cool

Disclaimer Letters published contain the opinion of the writer and the

smitty werbenjagermanjensen

publication in Nexus and subsequent public scrutiny. Letters are the authors

writer alone. Nexus publications take no responsibility for the content or opinions so expressed. By submitting your letter you give consent to its own work and Nexus will not edit to compensate for lack of intelligence or

It actually really fucks me off when customers tell me their order then swipe their eftpos card before I have even entered it into the till. Happens way too often. smh.

N.09 / V.47

coherency. Nexus reserves the right to edit or refuse to publish any letter which breaches any law, is defamatory to any person, or contains threats of violence or hate speech. Email your lettuce to lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz

News NEXUS MAGAZINE

NEWS FROM THE UNIVERSITY

MĀORI LEADERSHIP AWARD APPLY NOW! Applications for the Te Āhurutanga Māori Student Leadership Programme Award are now open. This award provides an opportunity for Māori students to further develop and enhance previous leadership experience within a Māori learning environment. Applications close on Sunday 17 May. Apply at www.waikato.ac.nz/research/scholarships/ pdf/TeAhurutangaMaoriStudentLeadership.pdf

STUDENT EXCHANGE FAIR AND INFO SESSION Want to study, travel and make new friends overseas while completing your Waikato degree? Find out how at the student exchange fair on Wednesday 20 May, 11am-1pm in the Student Centre, level 2 foyer. There will also be an info session at 1pm in S.1.04.

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK, WIN PRIZES Tell us what it’s like being a student at Waikato. Complete the Student Barometer Survey sent to your inbox and go in the draw to win some great prizes, including an iPad Air 2, Samsung Galaxy V phones and Marley Jammin headphones. Any questions, contact studentsurvey@waikato.ac.nz

NEED TO SELL YOUR BIKE? The Trading Post is a free service for students and staff to buy,

AIESEC GLOBAL EXCHANGE OPPORTUNITIES Here’s an opportunity to gain professional experience or do volunteer work overseas.

sell or trade bikes. It’s located at the western end of L Block, near the Bikes on Campus shop (which offers bike servicing and repairs).

AIESEC, a global youth network, is offering two programmes that can be undertaken

Trading Post is simple — just lock

in Asia, Eastern Europe or South America. For more details visit www.aiesec.org.nz

up your bike, put a tag on it with a price and contact details, and hope for the best.

SCHOLARSHIP INFO SESSION The Scholarships Office is hosting an information session on Wednesday 20 May, 1-2pm in S.1.01. The session will cover how to search and apply for scholarships and external funding opportunities, CV and cover letter advice and general Q & A. 3

NEXUS MAGAZINE News

NEXUS NEWS NEWS FEATURE

TO TRADE OR NOT TO TRADE... THAT MAY NOT EVEN BE THE QUESTION

rights the issue by which we had free trade agreements with other countries, we wouldn’t be doing very much trade in the world.” To some extent he as a point. China makes iPhones and operates on a principle of virtually indentured servitude complete with suicide prevention nets. We have never stopped trade with them, and we seldom criticise them now. Green MP, Catherine Delahunty, was slightly more ideological in her assertion that, “We should be setting ourselves better standards and drawing a line in the sand when it comes to who we are willing to sign trade deals with.” Valid, but we question the use of the phrase “draw a line in the sand” when referring to the

The trading of goods for services is as old as mankind itself. In its simplest version

Arabian peninsula. Delahunty then added, “Most New Zealanders do not want us

it is either beneficial to both parties, like when Adam gave God a rib and got a

to do trade deals with countries that behead their citizens.”

naked wife out of it, or made out of necessity when the good may outweigh the bad. The latter we will talk about today, specifically Saudi Arabia. Which we will do very carefully because last time Nexus did (2009) our brand of satire nearly caused an international incident. A fortnight ago our Prime Minister was in Saudi Arabia, a country where ponytail pulling is one of the least offensive things that happen to women. The Prime Minister was attempting to finalise a free trade deal with our fifth largest trading partner, The Gulf Cooperation Council. The deal would be worth an extra fifty million a year to New Zealand — but what would the cost actually be? What do our politicians say? Strangely enough, Labour’s David Shearer, who probably has the most street cred when it comes to humanitarian aid and the Middle East, seems relatively circumspect about the whole issue, stating, “If we decided to make human 4

N.09 / V.47

Along the same lines of critique, but perhaps the most stinging, came from a Helensville National Party member, John Key, who said that he would not sit by and do nothing while “people are out there being beheaded.” Oh sorry, scratch that. Turns out Mr Key himself was instead talking about committing troops to the war against ISIS to protect the interests of Saudi Arabia and other nations in the oil rich region. So it seems he doesn’t really mind beheadings as long as its our trade partners that are doing it. In summation, the Greens are opposed and believe the country is with them. National believes the benefits outweigh the cost, but assured us the Prime Minister would certainly be talking to the king about Human Rights and what, if any reason, would we have to doubt his word. And Labour admits it’s all a little hopeless and we will eventually die alone.

News NEXUS MAGAZINE

What The Expert Says

SIDE NOTE

When we get stuck with questions about the Middle East we feel we should turn to the experts. The Amnesty International Report, which we recommend you read, details some of

A. Do you think New Zealand should trade Saudi Arabia given

the more extreme views on “human rights” in Saudi Arabia but it didn’t answer our questions

their treatment of women etc?

on trade, so instead we turned to Waikato University Professor, Dov Bing. Dov hails from our own Political Sciences and Public Policy Department and has specialties in International relations; comparative government; public policy; European integration (extreme right

B. Would you let someone get away with something contrary to your beliefs if they paid you to ignore it?

and European politics); China’s foreign policy; Middle Eastern politics (Al Qaeda, Islamic fundamentalism, the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, wider Arab/Israeli conflict). So he was the

Piers Dillon, Sports

perfect guy to talk to...

A. Yeah because it depends how good

Is any prospective free trade deal with Saudi Arabia of benefit to New Zealand? Saudi Arabia’s trade with New Zealand has grown to be at the level of our trade with Great Britain. The local population combined with the expatriate is getting close to the British

it will be for our economy not another country. And it shouldn’t really matter, it’s their beliefs.

population. A trade deal with the Gulf Cooperation Council consisting of Bahrain, Oman,

B. That’s a hard one. Depends on the

Kuwait, Qatar, United arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia would benefit New Zealand a great deal.

money. And depends on the impact on

Trade may improve by 30 or 40 percent in the short terms. In the long term it may double.

my life. There’s too many factors to give a

Should human rights considerations and moral leadership play a role in International Relations?

flat answer.

Yes, human rights and moral leadership should play a role in International Relations. New Zealand should raise these issues with the countries mentioned above, but progress can

Shashank Ghai, Sports

only be made over time. In Saudi Arabia there has been a recent shake up of the country’s

A. Its perfect because Saudi Arabia is an

leadership with a younger generation taking over. This may mean more reforms being

oil exporting country. I don’t think NZ has

introduced in Saudi Arabia.

a lot of oil reserves, so yeah it’s beneficial.

If we pursue a trade relationship with Saudi Arabia are we tacitly condoning their views on

B. How much money? Money shouldn’t

human rights?

influence it, but it depends on what it is

No we don’t condone the record of saudi Arabia on human rights, because we will make

they want me to do.

our position clear on these issues. We have done the same with China and our Free Trade Agreement with that country has been very successful indeed. The US record on Human Rights is not so marvellous either. We raise these issues regularly, but our trade relations with the US are improving all the time.

Nathan Howse, Chemistry A. Yeah because not trading with Saudi Arabia isn’t going to change their

How do trade relationships with Middle Eastern nations affect our other diplomatic interests

standpoint and by trading with them we

in the region?

benefit NZ.

Our trade relations with Saudi Arabia and the other Gulf Cooperation Council states, places us in a better position to improve human rights in that country. We are attracting a large number of Saudi students to our Universities. These students return to Saudi Arabia having experienced New Zealand democracy in action. Eventually these students will be in important positions in their own country and will be more willing to introduce some changes. How does the situation with Saudi Arabia and their Human Rights views differ from South Africa or other countries where we have taken a moral stand? The indigenous Saudi population have lived in this region for millennia. Because of the the wealth of the country [oil production and exports] they are attracting many overseas workers who have visas for a few years. There are complaints about the treatment of these foreign workers and these are raised with UN agencies and bilaterally with countries where

B. I’d need context. If I was gonna let someone get away with something contrary to my beliefs, money wouldn’t impact me. I wouldn’t do it.

Trudi Webber, Philosophy A. It could be a good thing if it allows political change through cross cultural interaction. Perhaps if they see our values it could change the way the do things.

these workers come from, i.e. Pakistan. Saudi Arabia has no immigration policy. They have a

B. It would depend on the belief it was

majority of Sunni [Wahhabi] Moslems in the country and about 10 to 20 percent Shia. In other

against and the amount of money. If it

countries clashes between these two groups have lead to civil war [Syria] and the Government

was something extreme like peodophilia

is therefore careful to keep the status quo in order to avoid serious problems. In South Africa

or murder then definitely no.

the indigenous African people were disenfranchised by the the European immigrants. That is not the case in Saudi Arabia. One would hope that the country liberalises its immigration policies, but because of the volatility of Middle Eastern politics, it does not seem that this will happen soon. Don’t forget that New Zealand was taken over by European immigrants and the country’s indigenous people lost their majority. Apartheid was not instituted like in South Africa, but the Maori people were subjected to many land confiscations.

Natalie Enderby, Psychology A. It’s too hard to answer on the spot without doing more research. B. No. Just no.

NEXUS MAGAZINE News

NEWS

THE RETURN OF CRUSH COLLINS Ty Hart & Sam Marelich

VS.

Taking a few too many cues from House of Cards’ ruthless Frank Underwood, Judith Collins got herself into a fair spot of trouble when allegations of her attempting to undermine the Director of the Serious Fraud Office. Following a media firestorm that included questions over her link to Oravida (her husband, David Wong Tung is a director) and the discovery of various closet skeletons that came with Nicky Hagar’s Dirty Politics book, it was all a bit much and Collins was relegated to the back benches. In November Collins was cleared of any such wrongdoing by a subsequent investigation. Obviously, the damage had been done — resignations, and the public attention they garner, are notoriously difficult to undo. However, Judith seems to have had enough of the back benches and has recently made comments about resuming her position as a member of Cabinet. Speaking to TVNZ, Collins has been quoted as saying that she “obviously” has an intention to return to her former status, stating “I was forced to resign over allegations that I was [later] completely exonerated for, not long after the election. I’ve made it very clear that’s exactly where I’d like to be.” However the Prime Minister has been very neutral on the issue, giving no guarantees about a potential return for Collins, stating when questioned on the issue by TV3’s Paul Henry, “Post the inquiry that completely cleared her, I said look, if there’s a chance. The issue is just, is there a spot? All those things need to be weighed up. I’ve worked with Judith since 2002, and I see her as a good operator.” It seems that there’s a chance that the disgraced former Minister could make her return to Cabinet politics. While it is all speculation at this point, it will be interesting to see what does happen over the next few years — after all, she is called Crusher Collins for a reason.

THE ONGOING BATTLE: WSU VS NZUSA Sam Marelich

Cue the Facebook pages, lecture drops, and cupcake giveaways — the by-election for the two remaining seats on the WSU board is almost upon us. The WSU board is an important part of the Waikato Students’ Union — they are the people who drive the vans on O-Week, represent a student voice to

CHEAPER FLIGHTS? Alexander Nebesky

the University, and have been part of the ongoing discussion between students and the government. Traditionally this has been through NZUSA — the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations. Originally founded back in the 30s, the union grew as

Over the past year, Air New Zealand has come under fire for overcharging on domestic flights to

the number of students in tertiary training increased

an exorbitant extent. For a number of students this rules out the possibility of going home for mid-

and due to a merger with the National Polytechnic

semester and mid-year breaks because of the costs involved — one student Nexus spoke to was looking

Students’ Association, which at its peak represented

at having to stump up $550 to fly home from Hamilton to Blenheim return. That’s more expensive than

roughly 400,000 students. Like student associations

going to Melbourne or Sydney which is frankly a bit ridiculous.

around the country, the NZUSA has seen better days

Cue Ewan Wilson, CEO of the now defunct Travel International Airlines. Wilson on the cusp of launching his new regional airline Kiwi Regional Airlines. It’s not entirely his, rather, he’s just the name we all

with the 2012 VSM reforms gutting its budget and decimating membership.

associate with it. With principal investors including travel education mogul Nicola Domett (Sir George

The WSU has been trying to pull out of NZUSA since

Seymour and Travel Careers & Training) and Eugene Williams, founder of 2 Cheap Cars.

August 2013, and were followed by VUWSA (Victoria)

According to the airline’s website, Wilson is the CEO of the soon-to-be launching business whose mission is “… to bring affordable, reliable and regular services to regional New Zealand.” It’s no news to most of us that New Zealand is incredibly under-serviced when it comes to domestic flights and the opportunity for students to fly right out of Hamilton airport to visit friends and relatives the country over would be a welcome change to bumming a ride up to Auckland and back. Wilson told Stuff.co.nz that Nelson would be the company’s hub, creating 20 new jobs; including 18 pilots, attendants, and first officers. The airline’s planes will be 34-seater Saabs which don’t look very cool or fast (because they aren’t painted red) but are cool because they fly and planes are fucking cool as shit.

and OUSA (Otago) in 2014. Despite this, there is lingering debate over who owes what and to make a long story short some fancy Wellington based lawyers are chasing WSU for $30,000 in membership fees that haven’t been paid. This issue is important and it’s worthy of more than a short news article. As the year develops and the issue inches closer to a conclusion Nexus will continue to report on what happens in the board room of the WSU as well as

We are still awaiting price points on the flights, but here’s hoping this could change domestic flights for

getting various opinions from the directors who are

New Zealand students for the better.

making the decisions.

N.09 / V.47

Sports NEXUS MAGAZINE

SPORTS OPINION

THE BEAST IS A BEAST Chris Reive A lot of talking points came out of the Kiwis’ Anzac test win over the Kangaroos. The biggest one for me: Manu Vatuvei is still the man. Earlier in the year questions were being asked about how much longer he has left in the NRL, whether he should make the inevitable move into the forwards, and was he still relevant? After receiving a new contract from the Warriors and being recalled into the New Zealand national team, Vatuvei was at his destructive best in the Anzac test – answering his critics with two tries on his way to the man of the match award. Why on earth would anyone question his value in the game? Whether he is on the wing, or shifted to the second row, his combination of strength and speed stitches up even the best of defences. Personally, I think we’ll see him spend some time in the second row as his career draws to a close, but that surely won’t be this season. Need I remind you that The Beast became the Warriors all time leading try scorer earlier in the season? Vatuvei is still playing with ferociousness and intent, and would be a complete weapon for any offence. HIGH FIVE

FUN RUGBY LEAGUE STATS The 2015 Anzac test victory by the Kiwis is the NZ team’s first win in a mid-season test since 1998.

The test also sees the Kiwis win the last three matches against the Kangaroos. It’s the first time in 61 years that the boys have won three in a row against the Aussies.

BEST

VALUE

FROM

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Way back in 1935, the St. George Dragons racked

AND NO JOINING FEES - EVER!

up 91 points against the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs. This is the highest amount of points scored by a team in a single game.

6 teams have gone through a season undefeated — most recently the St. George Dragons in 1959.

The 2001 Parramatta Eels hold the record for most points scored in a season. They scored 943 during the year, but sadly losing in the Grand Final to the Newcastle Knights.

NEXUS MAGAZINE Entertainment

HOROSCOPES

TRENDING ON TWITTER

Aries (March 21 — April 19) Conflict won’t be solved by arguing this week. It will be

#DUMBDOWNABOOK

solved by rational discussion and listening to someone else’s viewpoints. Unless you are a police officer in which case it will be solved the same way it always is, with old phone books that don’t leave marks. Taurus (April 20 — May 20) The essence of our existence is predicated on the idea

Ryan Patrick @RyanPatrick1984 · May 5 The “yeah Sure I Could Eat” Games. #DumbDownABook @midnight 30

that we are fundamentally decent people who live in a world of compromise and morally ambiguous situations. So how do you deal with it this week? Fuck knows. But if you need to know how to make a bong out of an apple...

Tom Jospeh Law @TomJosephLaw · May 5 ‘Low Expectations’ #DumbDownABook 29

Gemini (May 21 — June 20) The question for this week shouldn’t be if you can forgive someone for cheating, it should be which car will be the quietest to hit someone with. Cancer (June 21 — July 22) Thomas Jefferson once said, “Nothing can stop the man

so this week try and be less of a hypocrite than Thomas Jefferson. Leo (July 23 — August 22) Jenny, the stars are telling you to take Louis back. Everyone

an exam coming up in like four weeks... This is totally Jupiter saying this by the way

disappointment, particularly if you are going to see Age of Ultron. I can’t believe Thor

Amanda @drawntoinsanity · May 5 Moby, You Dick @midnight #DumbDownABook 1

and not your mum paying a Nexus writer in V and Port Royale to get you to study. Libra (September 23 — October 22) This week be prepared for crushing

Eliana Horeczko, OG @IGiveGoodNooch · May 5 Memoirs of a Ke$ha #DumbDownABook @midnight

else; the stars are telling you... eat your vegetables. Virgo (August 23 — September 22) Jupiter commands you to study more. You have

Katie Halper @kthalps · May 5 The Selfie of Dorian Gray #DumbDownABook

with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” Of course Jefferson also kept and fucked slaves

WHAT’S HOT WHAT’S NOT

died in the post credits scene... Shit, “spoilers”. Scorpio (October 23 — November 21) Perseverance pays off with unexpected rewards. Besides it isn’t actually cyberstalking if it is done through YikYak, right? Sagittatrius (November 22 — December 21) Stay away from public transport, not because your life is at risk but simply because the only ones who take the bus are junkies and mole people. Capricorn (December 22 — January 19) Ponder this: Do the lifeforms of other planets gaze at earth’s alignment and divine life advice from it? Of course not, there is no other life and that idea is fundamentally stupid. Stop pondering and get back to checking your phone at Momento and “studying.” Aquarius (January 20 — February 18) This is your week to crush it. Eyes up chest out.

WHAT’S HOT 1. Boobs. Always in Vogue. 2. Ditching your date to fuck a bar staff member. 3. Going to Espresso Plus instead of Momento. Better and CHEAPER coffee.

Champions aren’t born they are created so get out there and you do you. If you work at Mcdonalds make the best Big Macs you can. If you work child care, care for that child. If you’re a drug dealer, we would like to remind you that we work pretty late on a Thursday night and if you can also pick up a pizza there is an extra $20 in it. Pisces (February 19 — March 20) The prophet Drake once said, “Hoes want attention, women want respect.” By that logic Drake is both a woman and a hoe. Try not to be like Drake.

WHAT’S NOT 1. Pre-drinks selfies with such tags as #whitegirlwasted and #girlsnight. 2. Masturbation jokes. 3. Desperate people on Yik Yak. You’re not forever alone, you’re just a pussy who won’t ask someone out. 8

N.09 / V.47

Entertainment NEXUS MAGAZINE

PLEASE DON’T QUOTE ME

BEATS BY J

HE’S PROBABLY A VIRGIN! I DON’T KNOW WHEN IT WOULD’VE HAPPENED. – Chris Evans on his character Captain America

“I WAS STEPHEN HAWKING FOR LIKE A COUPLE MONTHS.” – Meghan Trainor on her vocal cord hemorrhage

“I WASN’T DOING ANYTHING THAT HARD. I WAS JUST KIND OF BOPPING AROUND.” – Britney Spears on spraining her ankle onstage

Rihanna American Oxygen Avicii The Nights (Felix Jaehn Remix) Disclosure Bang That Gregory Porter Liquid Spirit (Claptone Remix) DC Breaks Faithless

YIK YAK OF THE WEEK

Years & Years King Robin Schulz Headlights Loreen Paper Light Revisited

I want whatever drugs the nexus cover artist has been taking

MNEK The Rhythm

Ben Khan 1000

BEST OF THE WEB

PROVOCATIVE EDITION

@alexgamsujenkins

shop.thecobrasnake.com

@bloatedandalone4evr1993

FKA twigs – Glass & Patron

London-based illustrator, Alex Gamsu

The famed party site has products that

Molly Soda’s hobbies include “chillin

In this music video, FKA twigs gives

Jenkins, strikes the perfect balance of

are as hideous as they are desirable.

wit my girlls an eating snaxsss !!!!!!”

birth to fabric, then she vogues.

gross, provocative, and kind of cute.

$10 shipping to New Zealand. Holla!

Apparently she’s dating a teddy bear. 9

NEXUS MAGAZINE Left vs Right

STRIKING A TRADE DEAL WITH SAUDI ARABIA Prime Minister, John Key, recently went to Saudi Arabia to discuss trading opportunities. With a history of human rights injustices, our potential trading with Saudi Arabia has come under intense scrutiny. LEFT

RIGHT

New Zealand’s economy is export-driven. No one can deny our need, under the

Trade deals are based on the idea of specialisation — doing what you are good

current conditions, to remain competitive in emerging markets for the products

at and outsourcing the stuff you aren’t so good at rather than being a jack

which we are famous for. On the other hand, it’s important to remember that

of all trades. To give a very basic example of specialisation, we can look at

having put ourselves in this position, a world which we engage with through ever

buying vegetables at the supermarket as a form of specialisation because most

more economic pacts and tariff-busting deals is not necessarily an inspiring vision.

people don’t have the time (or the interest) in growing their own vegetables.

With access can come grave political and moral compromises. Does so-called free trade, as the true believers suggest, lead to freer societies? You could argue that our historic Fair Trade Agreement (FTA) with China, and China’s subsequent

At a global level it’s why we export lots of milk, Saudi oil powers the world, and Australia provides the raw material that the Chinese labour force turn into manufactured goods.

deals with other nations are yet to prove the case. Has it even given us any more

Free trade between large parts of the world is a fairly recent occurrence. The

of a voice when you consider the massive disparity in size and power? From the

fourth Labour Government (headed by then Prime Minister David Lange and

vantage point of now it seems to have achieved little if anything that wouldn’t

Finance Minister Roger Douglas) brought about sweeping changes that ended

have happened anyway.

the days of licensing and dairy subsidies, opening the floodgates for imported

Our current government’s latest moves are a perfect example of the kind of clout FTAs bestow, or don’t. When questioned on the upcoming deal with the Gulf Cooperation Council, about Saudi Arabia’s human rights record — and how it compares to our mutual enemy, Islamic State — Prime Minister, John Key,

goods and signalling the end of an enormous amount of manufacturing in New Zealand. Under Helen Clark’s leadership we’ve gone on a bit of a free trade binge, with 2000- 2008 seeing agreements signed between New Zealand and Singapore, Thailand, China, and the initial TPPA talks.

referred to their gruesome record of decapitations, whippings, and witchcraft

Critics of free trade undervalue the quality of life that has come about from a

trials as “discrepancies.” Should we apply the right’s infamous old complaint

global marketplace. Instead of poorly made licensed copies of products that

about sport and politics not mixing to trade and politics as well?

Americans had six months ago, we get the real thing at the same time. The

An even starker picture of some of the contradictions at the heart of free trade deals is painted by the ongoing Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement (TPPA) negotiations. As much as status quo journalists try to allay fears, the known articles which anti-TPPA activists point to are scary, anti-democratic, and have little to do with trade. Specifically, investor-state dispute settlement tribunals,

removal of subsidies from our agricultural industry has moved New Zealand from a small subsidised agricultural backwater and into a global dairying powerhouse that is competitive. We shouldn’t be competing with China, Bangladesh, or Indonesia for world’s worst paid factory workers — we should be doing things we are good at, namely highly skilled work and creating innovation.

which would be empowered to sue sovereign governments if their public-

This isn’t to say the TPPA is good (because we don’t know what’s in it), or

interest policies lead to “loss of expected profits.”

we should be jumping on to Saudi Arabia without questioning their human

It’s easy for the educated but politically uncommitted to buy into the rhetoric that makes any resistors of FTAs seem like progress-hating conspiracy theorists, but history is clear; any real, social progress that accompanies trade has to be fought for like anything else, and whenever someone talks about “economic freedom” it’s worth asking, whose?

N.09 / V.47

rights record. But before we get onto the moral high horse, let’s consider the horrendous abuse Australia is still giving boat people and aborigines, the 100,000 odd dead at the hands of the US in the Middle East in the last decade, or whatever the hell China gets up to.

Reviews NEXUS MAGAZINE

FILM REVIEW

THE GUNMAN

MONTAGE OF HECK

Jared Wooldridge

James Raffan

The direct-to-video is a very predictable market. You know the

It’s rare for me to watch a documentary that I have a personal,

quality of the films there are going to be substandard — and

almost visceral, reaction to. Montage of Heck was different

so you can watch them without any illusion of what they aren’t.

though. This was Kurt Cobain. I owned the albums, I read the

Direct-to-video action movies in particular. You just know it is

books, I even owned a 1994-unplugged style cardigan. I was so

going to be the same ‘just as I get out, they pull me back in’

in love with Nirvana, I even briefly convinced myself to like the

story, with a fairly talented cast but zero idea what to do with

Foo Fighters.

them — other than have them shoot at things as other things explode. They are not great, but you can enjoy them for what they are; cheap. It is a pity then, that The Gunman thinks it is an ACTUAL film.

To an extent, director Brett Morgen relies on that to make Montage of Heck work. His film almost requires its viewers to go into it with a love of the subject matter. Morgen delicately spends the next two hours and eleven minutes screwing with

Sean Penn stars as Jim Terrier, a man who worked for an

your head. His decision to cut the film with unreleased video and

organisation. He got out, but they pulled him back in. Uh-huh.

interviews puts the viewer inside Cobain’s brain.

So, now he has some shooting to do.

Perhaps Montage’s signature achievement was the subtle

Sean Penn is a talented actor, but it has been seven years since

deconstruction of the Cobain Mythology. The popular notion

Taken was released. I think we can call it a day with the aging

was that Cobain always wanted to be viewed as a guy who

actor turned action hero schtick. It was cute then, but please

would have been happier without the fame. This film smashes

stop. Especially if you are going to put them in action movies like

that idea, and with it some of my youthful ideals, into pieces. It

this, we have seen it all before.

gives you a glimpse into Cobain the father and Cobain the son,

Save your money. One day this movie will end up in the bargain bin, and then you can feel better about buying it, with a clearer

talented, driven and full of self doubt. At times it’s jarring and hard to watch.

idea of what it is: a cheap, generic action. Worse, the action is

Yet I still loved it. I still laughed, I still cried. I still think Dave Grohl

not even exciting. Only watch this movie if you find the idea of

was at his best behind a set of drums and Courtney Love is Yoko

Sean Penn taking his shirt off a lot excites you.

Ono. I also think that is what Morgen and Montage of Heck set out to achieve. Unconditional love, with perspective.

NEXUS MAGAZINE Reviews

FOOD REVIEW

APP REVIEW

KELLY’S CAFE & BAKERY

MAKEUP GENIUS

Caitlin Orton

Melissa Stevens

As we sit down at a small table in the warmth that is Kelly’s

MakeUp Genius is an app created by L’Oreal that allows you to try

Cafe and Bakery, an obviously very American tourist walks to

on their products using the front facing camera of your phone.

the counter and gestures to the waitress, “We’ll see you next

You can also add things to your cart — but I doubt anyone will

summer okay, now?”

actually do that. You’ll play around with this app once or twice

For the several months that she and her husband had been vacationing in Hamilton, they had become regulars at this

MakeUp Genius “scans” your face and then places your chosen

nothing-special-cafe. It’s not well decorated and the food wasn’t

makeup where the app deems your facial features are. It is

anything extraordinary. But what really makes its mark is how

actually quite fun to play around with and try heaps of different

friendly the staff were. The American couple made sure that

looks without having to put in the effort of putting makeup on.

Kelly’s would still be there when they returned. Every customer that walked through those doors was greeted and remembered. In the short time that we were there, a good crowd of people went through the cafe and over half the staff knew by name. The lady behind the cash register asked about a regular’s kids and carried on conversations from previous encounters. It was an atmosphere that made you want to come back. While the coffee slice my mother ordered was not my cup of tea and the sandwich she had was pretty basic, it was the wedges we shared that really got the ball moving. Hot and so fresh, these wedges were served with a very generous amount of sour cream. Altogether, a large plate of wedges, a pizza bread, a chicken and apricot sandwich, a coffee slice, one coffee, and a juice came to fifteen dollars. If you’re already feeling the weather this winter, try this Grey Street Cafe. What better reason to go than free heating?

before deleting it and never think about it again.

N.09 / V.47

The app also allows you to take videos of yourself with makeup on your face, this is where most of the fun comes from. MakeUp Genius isn’t just for the ladies; I have seen heaps of videos of guys playing around on it just to take the piss and see what they would look like caked in intense makeup. You could also use it to explore your gender and what not. MakeUp Genius is what it is. You get exactly what you expect and nothing else. I won’t be keeping it on my phone, but it was fun for 10 seconds.

Reviews NEXUS MAGAZINE

BOOK REVIEW

MUSIC REVIEW

AFTER THE CRASH BY MICHEL BUSSI

SONIC SOUL SURFER BY SEASICK STEVE

Kelsie Morland

This book is the perfect example of me judging a book by its

The 74-years-young bluesman, Seasick Steve, has shown no

blurb and absolutely regretting it.

signs of slowing down in recent times. In the last decade he has

After the Crash began with a hiss and a roar. In the first chapter a plane crashes and one person survives. An old detective sits at his desk about to kill himself and that’s about where I stopped paying attention to what I was reading. It’s the unfortunate case of an author trying to capture an audience at the beginning of a novel by putting too much action into the first few pages. There was an attempt at a detective/thriller genre plot line; revealing all sorts of different secrets, such as; who is it that survived? Which family does she belong too? Who’s this detective? But unfortunately this does not save this novel. I am a person who, when I start a novel, I need to finish it — which is probably the only reason I got to the end of this book.

released a string of albums detailing his well-travelled stories and sprightly guitar work. Sonic Soul Surfer, while perhaps less slick than some of his previous higher production records, continues in that same vein with Steve sitting behind his homemade guitars alongside long-time collaborator, drummer Dan Magnusson. The result is groovy contemporary blues with a twinkle in the eye and a smirk in the strumming. Opener and lead-single, Roy’s Band, has Steve driving the rhythm with a single string washboard guitar which has both an authentic and novelty factor, but in no way detracts from a solid riff. Where Steve hits his stride though is when his fingers are dancing up and down more conventional fret boards in songs like Barracuda ’68. While Steve’s guitar work will keep blues and

The narrator perspective was incredibly off putting and utterly

rock enthusiasts pleased and referring to the venn diagram of

inconsistent. It was jarring and hard to follow, which may have

influences and influencers, like Led Zep and Howling Wolf, it’s

added to my discomfort with the novel.

the big stonking choruses that make this record. Dog Gonna

Unfortunately, I really did try to enjoy this book, but found I couldn’t at all.

Play, for example will have heads nodding and plenty of off-key throats howling out woahs in the car. There is a real sense of history in Steve’s playing. He is able to keep alive a feeling of old time juke joints and barn dances; crisscross country and blues influences, while sounding modern. It may well be his ability to make nostalgia relevant that makes this such a good album.

NEXUS MAGAZINE Arts

Who Are You? Peter Dornauf

representation of the masculine, hardworking stoic virtues associated with rural folk. “Tom’s hand was strong to the plough,” as he worked tirelessly beneath the pine trees. Those same pine trees, painted by Rita Angus in her 1940 work Cass, was her attempt to render a similar delineation of national identity. Further down the road from the place on the way to the West Coast was a locale called Grasmere, but that sounded too English to stand as representative of whom we thought we were. There was a harder

A nation as young as ours, especially in the era of corporate branding,

knuckle sound in a name like Cass to denote the New Zealand character,

will, not unsurprisingly, be obsessed with the notion of national identity.

which Angus painted in a slight cubist style to capture the ‘true’ essence

Hence the current concerns about the flag. Who are we is a question

of our nature.

bedevilling commentators up and down the country.

two exhibitions which touch directly on these issues. Dick Frizzell’s

writers were all but commissioned to start pumping out images and

folk art illustrations of the Glover poem, The Magpies, are on show, as

text that would sharpen up our self-imaging. Artists were called on to

are his famous rural Kiwi landscapes complete with iconic macrocarpa

paint the real New Zealand in a way that would show we were distinctly

trees. The Fletcher Collection exhibits a Rita Angus along with 80 other

different — not British or Scottish or some other foreign extract. Writers

paintings that traverse the whole of New Zealand history, reflecting at

were enjoined to do the same. Denis Glover gave expression to this new

various stages how artists “frame” the land. One can see how things

sensibility when he wrote:

have evolved ideologically, from the romantic take of William Hodges

“I do not dream of Sussex downs Or quaint old England’s quaint old towns.” What he had in mind was the future of New Zealand as embodied in local “Johnsonville or Geraldine.”

I mention this because currently running at the Waikato Museum are

80 years ago, when New Zealand was but 100 years old, artists and

who came out with Captain Cook in 1775, right down to Shane Cotton in 2010 who provides a more indigenous perspective. Who are we? It depends on who’s asking and who’s telling. Art historian Francis Pound rubbished the whole national identity trope as an artificial construct in his book New Zealand National Identity, where he exposed

His more famous poem, The Magpies, written in the 1940s, does a similar

the process of self-realisation as a jack-up. In another hundred years,

trick, capturing what was regarded as quintessential New Zealand in the

who and what will be pulling the strings and telling us who we are?

N.09 / V.47

Auteur NEXUS MAGAZINE

Orson Welles (Part 2) Richard Swainson

A baroque, dense film noir to end all film noirs, with Welles himself almost unbearably ugly as the corrupt cop Hank Quinlan. 7. The Trial (1962) Challenged when promised funding fell through at the last minute, as he so often did Welles made a virtue out of necessity, using an abandoned French railway station as the main location in this visually stunning adaptation of Franz Kafka’s novel. 8. Chimes at Midnight (1966) Combing elements from several Shakespeare plays, Welles structures his film around the relationship between Falstaff and the future Henry V. His Battle of Shrewsbury is a tour de force of technique and the scene where the newly

Orson Welles would have turned 100 years old last Wednesday. Three

crowned king forsakes his old mentor and drinking companion is

decades of critical reflection since his death have led to a more nuanced

amongst the most poignant ever filmed.

understanding of a career which perhaps could only have disappointed after such a spectacular debut. Welles might have failed to produce a string of Citizen Kanes or to be thought a credibly commercial filmmaker in Hollywood after 1946, but there was method to his madness and no little industry. Welles the director was always working on several projects at once. If he was too often undone by a lack of business sense or failure to sustain relationships with producers, his ambition and artistic instincts remained sharp until the end. What follows is the second part of a Welles ‘Top 10’ covering the period from the late 1950s onwards. Auteur House stocks all titles. 6. Touch of Evil (1958) Welles’ return to Hollywood after over a decade in Europe should have re-established his American directing career.

9. The Immortal Story (1968) Atypically minimalist in both style and running time, this quiet, restrained masterpiece was originally produced for French television. Proof if needed that Welles could always adapt his technique to his subject matter and had sufficient discipline not to let camera work dominate over drama. 10. F for Fake (1973) This unique documentary about charlatans and con-men showcases the director’s unparalleled command of the art of film editing. A sequence in which Welles’ paramour Oja Kodar walks down a street and appears to be ogled by every man within a five mile radius is a tour de force of cutting room invention, anticipating today’s feminist finger-wagging over sexual harassment by well over 40 years.

NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature

The

Evolution Social Media

2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 -11 2012 2013 -14 2015

N.09 / V.47

Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE

THE EVOLUTION OF SOCIAL MEDIA Emma Nygard

Emma Nygard explores the evolution of social media. From the killing cows on Runescape, to seeing peen on Chatroulette — she’s been through it all.

2006 It was a great year. The year I started plucking my eyebrows

pubescent boys trying to be my internet boyfriend, and intermediate Emma was clearly not as lonely as adult Emma. So I’d log on, kill some cows, practice my flirting and log off.

and went from Frida Kahlo to brows-so-far-away-they-

I imagine my experience on Runescape would have been

begin-to-suffer-separation-anxiety, The Sims didn’t have a

drastically different had I only chosen a male avatar.

toddler or teen feature yet and James Blunt was still relevant. These websites were also cool… Runescape My earliest memories of this game include a really long, complicated tutorial that I took an embarrassingly long time to complete because I’m not nearly as much of a geek as I like to think I am — and being catfished well before MTV had re-defined the word. I can’t quite work out what is more embarrassing — the fact some 12 year old boy decided he wanted to seduce my uber cute avatar by pretending to be my childhood crush Guy Sebastian, or the fact I ever had a crush on Guy Sebastian (during chubby, afro days).

This is why I need feminism. Club Penguin Who remembers joining despite being probably two years too old for the site? Who remembers being automatically banned for calling the pink penguin who waddled around in her store bought clothes a “snooty fucking bitch?” Probably just me. Neopets I’m not too sure how far into this everybody else got, but as a senior in primary school my ultimate goal was to own a Cybunny and have enough Neopoints to paint her baby. Several years into high school and my priorities drastically changed. I wanted the ultra-rare Draik egg. Although vaguely cool at intermediate Neopets soon began to trudge

The Runescape concept was ultimately lost on me because

into Lameville. Playing it at sixteen suddenly became ‘weird’

every time I logged on with my female character I had pre-

and only solidified your virgin status. Haters.

NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature

2007 MSN

good times, and the black car winding around a deserted road to the sound of relaxing music, harmlessly lulling you into a false state of security when BAM! Fright of your life.

‘ASL’ was the mantra of my tween-hood, mainly because I

Whilst providing your very first heart attack, YouTube was

suffered from only child syndrome (aka loneliness) and didn’t

also used as a platform for catapulting young, talented idiots

have many real-life friends to talk to so I was constantly

into stardom (Justin Bieber). My own rendition of Cyndi

introducing myself to strangers online. Looking back, MSN

Lauper’s classic ‘Time After Time’ was somehow not picked

is kind of just a bitter reminder of how unpopular I was in

up by any major record producer — just the entirety of my

year eight, running home waiting for my crush to never

form at school. And to answer your burning question, no I

chat to me despite having the obviously self-representative

cannot sing.

email address of SeXxiiBuNnyPiMpc3Ss@hotmail.com. This resulted in angsty emo song lyrics being posted as my screen name and my icon being changed to some depressing Pon and Zi image. Fuck you MSN. I blame you for my ‘MCR IS LYFE <3’ phase.

Limewire The amount of times I “accidently” downloaded porn on this was kind of ridiculous. Bebo Where skins existed and it was perfectly acceptable, if not

IMVU

encouraged to talk LyK3 DiSz. Before there were ‘likes’ there

I don’t know what the fuck this website was about but the

was ‘love’. Only on Bebo was it ok to make profiles for all five

ads suggested it was some weird cartoon, soft porn, role-

of your cats just so you could share the love with yourself.

play that somehow incorporated instant messaging with

Call me pathetic, but I had 1000 love. Who’s succeeding in

strangers. Why the hell wasn’t I using this?

life now, bitch? As a B average student doing a Bachelor of

MySpace If the names Audrey Kitching, Oli Sykes, and Hanna Beth resonate at all within your inner scene queen soul, you were probably a MySpace kid. Even in all my emo glory, I never completely understood MySpace, but that didn’t mean I didn’t desperately try. I spent most of my time stalking people with cool gloomily alliterated names like Suzy Suicide, Hayley Heart-break, Peter Pretentious, and Self-harm Sarah,

Arts, clearly not me.

2009 Habbo Hotel It was like Club Penguin but for sexually frustrated thirteen year olds who were into ‘cybering’.

wishing I could only be half as trendy as them with pink

Farmville

raccoon hair and more fluro than a 1980’s pop video. My

You’re lying if you don’t admit to joining Facebook because

attempt to recreate this cool, scene-girl look resulted in an

some middle-aged woman in your family requested you

atrociously uneven home-job haircut — looking more Billy

fertilise her crops. I experienced a year-long addiction to this

Ray Cyrus than scene queen, and copious amounts of high

stupid game. I invested an enormous amount of time that

contrast photos with either the shut eye ‘I’m-so-deep-in-

could have been used improving my academics, playing my

thought’ pout pose or the ‘hello-here’s-my-$50-camera’

clarinet, learning a language, or just overall bettering myself.

mirror shot. It was an embarrassing time to be alive.

Perhaps then I wouldn’t be a radically underwhelming 20 year old with nothing but a rotting virtual farm to show for

2008 Before it just played ads, Youtube was a site for watching

2010-2011

entertaining video clips! Some notorious, nostalgia inducing

Facebook

clips include: the guy with the fugly, thick highlights yelling

At what point did Facebook become cooler than Bebo? Why,

in his bed to “leave Britney alone!” — classic; the guy dressed

during the 2010-2011 era of course! I had just started going

up in a very convincing blonde wig singing about shoes —

out to parties and it was this point in time it was totally

YouTube

all of 2009.

N.09 / V.47

Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE

normal to have a designated photographer, who would bring their shitty little digital camera to the party and take 5823 drunken snaps to upload to a singular album probably called ‘good tymez =]’. A good quality selfie was much harder to come by because what even was self-facing camera? And all of my display pictures were grainy, webcam condition. Twitter Unless you are/were a celebrity this was never cool, not even in 2011. I did at one stage, later on in my life conform to society’s demand and unfortunately I created a Twitter account. I had about four tweets and they were all about Harry Styles. Although I have attempted multiple times to delete said account, Twitter just won’t let me. Please don’t google my name. #letEmmadeleteheraccount Chatroulette/Omegle Where you transition from never having seen a penis to literally-every-second-person-is-having-a-wank. Thanks for stealing my innocence!

2012 Tumblr If you’re a true hipster you’d have claimed to have heard about this website in at least 2010 (you didn’t). Tumblr was the hub of self-acceptance, open mindedness, quirky

My own rendition of Cyndi Lauper’s classic ‘Time After Time’ was somehow not picked up by any major record producer — just the entirety of my form at school.

fandoms, and cool… until all the kids at school found out about it. Suddenly everybody knew where you were getting your artsy Facebook cover photos from and you just weren’t so unique any more. 2012 was all about boho, summer vibes — you were probably inspired by Tumblr to do your very own backyard photoshoot, featuring enough crosses to decorate a Catholic church, a weird hand gesture, and an outfit that consisted of high-waisted shorts, a tie dye crop, and vans. I hope you have the sense to bury those photos in an old, deactivated Facebook profile like me. In retrospect, ranga ombre was not a cool idea.

2013-2014 Instagram

Snapchat This revolutionary app changed the way we would message forever! They say a picture paints a thousand words, which is perfect because I hate talking to people but I love taking photos of myself. Now when I’m getting drunk on Saturday (and Thursday, Friday, and sometimes Tuesday) everyone can live in the awkward enjoyment of watching me drunkenly roll around on a bed dishing out unwanted advice. You’re welcome.

have been weak asf. Thanks Instagram, making ugly people

2015

tolerable since ’13.

Two words: Yik Yak.

If it weren’t for the valencia filter, my 2013 selfie game would

NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature

METADATA Chris Kader

Your face has been harvested and is being stored in a darkened warehouse. It is only a matter of time before you wake up to read that one. Recently the tool how-old.net was revealed by Microsoft

lot of personal information online that maybe we shouldn’t.

at their BUILD conference. The site, which analyses user-

A lot of people now know that this information gets bundled

uploaded images to guess the subject’s ages, subsequently

into useful data, traded, sold, and increasingly put through

swept the internet as people clicked away, curious to see

a bunch of analytic processes to wring out patterns which

if it could guess their age, or if they could outsmart it with

can help whoever has it make money, or in the case of the

a handy rock melon. The site will probably play a part in

spy agencies who are becoming increasingly focussed on

something like the aforementioned human farming process.

this kind of information gathering; spot or predict potential

While people might not have the time these days to form a trudging queue and have their biometric information logged

The difference between the kind of data that came before,

one by one, a la sci fi tropes, the same process can take place

and the bounty of data points being amassed in those

through toys like how-old.net and, for that matter, pretty

darkened centres around the world currently, isn’t a precise

much anything you do while connected to the internet.

thing. But it can be summed up by the “3 V’s”: volume,

On how-old, those pictures of your face are coupled with

variety, and velocity. Think of every bored-dead online game

your geographic location, age, gender, operating system,

played or inane piece of video uploaded. As connection

and other basic information collected from both how-old

speeds increase, encouraging us to give even more, so does

and previous sites you’ve visited. Once you add all these

the power and complexity of analysis methods being used

individual sets of information together, something quite

to find something bankable in all the compulsive clicking we

valuable has been gained by Microsoft which can be used to

kindly do.

manipulate your future consumption with pinpoint accuracy, or sold on to another interested party, maybe even a government agency — who didn’t even pay you a cent for it.

troublemakers.

As Alex Pentland, MIT’s “Big Data guy” points out, when information is harvested on a certain scale, and looked at with methods designed to spot patterns, it takes on a

It’s been a while since even the most nonchalant tech users

different character to the old school snooping on individuals

weren’t at least vaguely aware that we’ve been giving up a

that websites still do. As Pentland puts it “the power of Big

N.09 / V.47

Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE

Data is that it is information about people’s behavior instead of information about their beliefs. It’s about the behavior of customers, employees, and prospects for your new business. It’s not about the things you post on Facebook, and it’s not about your searches on Google, which is what most people think about, and it’s not data from internal company processes and RFIDs. This sort of Big Data comes from things like location data off of your cell phone or credit card, it’s the little data breadcrumbs that you leave behind you as you move around in the world.” Those crumbs of location and other browsing data, because they’re hoarded on such a massive scale, and because they’re ‘mined’ for trends and patterns, not personal information, provide an unprecedented tool for anyone who can access them. “What [they] tell is the story of your life. It tells what you’ve chosen to do. That’s very different than what you put on Facebook. What you put on Facebook is what you would like to tell people, edited according to the standards of the day. Who you actually are is determined by where you spend time, and which things you buy. Big data is increasingly about real behavior, and by analyzing this sort of data, scientists can tell an enormous amount about you. They can tell whether you are the sort of person who will pay back loans. They can tell you if you’re likely to get diabetes” says Pentland. Unfortunately, what could be seen as a creeping trend of profound exploitation and invasion of privacy is still hard to get upset about, or even remember. Aside from some weirdly

The tracking technology found on many web pages collects enough to put your browser’s identity and where you’ve been together, painting a picture of your habits.

off-base targeted ads, it’s easy to forget anyone is watching at all. It takes shocking statements in order to make people think about such a technical and seemingly distant subject. That is exactly what technology blogger Brett Thomas

enough to put your browser’s identity and where you’ve

provided when he wrote a blog titled “Online Porn Could

been together, painting a picture of your habits. If you’re

Be The Next Big Privacy Scandal” which was picked up by

confident with the benevolence of all the sites you visit, you

media around the world and repackaged in more or less

still need to take into account near-ubiquitous hacking.

sensationalist tones. The point that had everyone talking for a while, was the statement which Thomas placed at the top of the post, helpfully bolded: “your porn viewing history will be publicly released and attached to your name.”

Whilst the prospect of having your cringe-worthy sexual proclivities, or the many other secrets you share only with ruthless online profiteers and government dragnets, exposed to the world might elicit nervous laughter, it’s probably not

While not expressing concerns about the Big Data compiled

inevitable, or the worst thing that your online haemorrhaging

by big players like Facebook, Google, and Microsoft, Thomas’s

of personal information leads to. The fact that all the friendly

post pointed out that some of the same technologies used

apps and websites you use are running an, often much more

to gather this data can be used for the previously mentioned

profitable, byline in the most intimate details of your tastes

terror-inducing purpose. Your web browser has a unique

and habits, and that all this is being fed into processes which

“footprint” which can be linked with ‘global identifiers’ which

can give something approaching omniscience to those with

make you stand out, linking one page visit to another. The

the money or power to take a look, is probably worth getting

tracking technology found on many web pages collects

creeped out about once in a while.

NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature

Jules Craft

“Government control of information is insidious and sneaky” – Sir Tim Berners Lee (Part-inventor of the World Wide Web) The internet gives every one of its users a platform to seek

while the deep web can be defined as the parts of the

information and post their own opinion — then makes it

World Wide Web that are not indexed (found) by standard

available to an incredibly large and intricate network of

search engines. The deep web accounts for the majority

different people. What isn’t really understood by many

of internet information and there are a range of ways that

internet users is how easily this information can be accessed

this information can be buried (private websites, unlinked

and the opinion posted, and the network used can be

content, scripted content, etc) but is accessible using a

analysed by third parties.

“normal” internet connection. The dark web (or dark net) is

The subject of internet privacy has been a hot topic in the past few years with programmes such as Wikileaks, GCSB,

using “anonymizing networks” such as TOR.

and the NSA being splattered across our news feeds. On one

TOR or The Onion Router was created by U.S Naval Research.

hand you have the government rhetoric of it being a matter

USNR needed to develop a network in which their agents

of “national security” that they sniff through our metadata.

would be able to send messages anonymously. It is based off

While on the other hand, you have martyrs for the cause

the 1981 research paper of Dr Lee Chaum where he proposed

such as Julian Assange, Edward Snowden, and even the

that to ensure internet privacy rather than encrypting the

bro Dotcom screaming that the implications of control

message or content of the sender you could create a network

and manipulation are real. It’s a tough cookie to chew and

which would anonymise the sender of the message. It was

debates are hard fought from both sides. The questions

later handed over to the non-profit organisation Electronic

I’ve asked myself through this is: is it right or wrong? Is

Frontier Foundation. TOR is now a free and accessible

there indeed a way to explore the internet completely

software programme dedicated to providing anonymous

anonymously? Well, turns out there is and it goes by the

communication.

name of the dark web…

How Does TOR Work?

What Is the Dark Web?

Now I am no internet expert and wrapping my head around

Although this can be debated there are generally three

this next part was extremely painful. I will do my best to give

“layers” of the internet: surface, deep, and dark. The surface

a simple and accurate outline of this badass system.

web is everything that can be found through search engines,

its own separate entity which can only be accessed when

N.09 / V.47

Feature NEXUS MAGAZINE

Firstly TOR consists of 4 elements:

naughty stuff, but before I get into that I would like to note a

• The sender’s message

few more important things that completely anonymous web

• Encryption

browsing can do.

• A network of volunteer computers (nodes) around the world • The receiver

• Anonymous web browsing assists people living in countries with oppressive regimes to fight for human

Similar to Shrek, TOR has layers - layers of encryption that is!

rights, share their stories, access information, and

When using TOR, the sender’s message is “surrounded” with

provide information without fear of “ruling retaliation”.

layers of encryption. It is then sent through a series of nodes.

Places such as Syria, the Middle East, and the U.S.A. Aw,

At each node, or relay, a layer of encryption is “peeled” away

fuck probably shouldn’t say that.

and the message’s next destination (node) in the series is

• It allows for journalists to dig deeper into stories, receive

revealed. “The sender remains anonymous because each

tip offs, and work with a range of different people

intermediary knows only the location of the immediately

without fear of being “found out”.

preceding and following nodes.” states viable reference,

• It stops corporations from using our online search

Wikipedia. TOR runs the sender’s message through routes

history, preferences, and all round information to sell

of over 5,000 nodes. When the final layer of encryption is

us shit. Seriously the fact that you look up cats, listen to

decrypted the message will arrive at the receiver.

music on YouTube, and scroll 9gag on a regular basis is

Sender > TOR (Entry Node 1> Node 2> Node 3> Node4>…….> Exit Node 5000.....) > Receiver

valuable information. Physiographic and demographics are a marketer’s wet dream. • It helps whistleblowers: like them or not it’s kind of nice

Effectively the software hides your IP address by bouncing

to know there is some sort of system in place that is in

your message through a whole range of IPs worldwide,

the hands of the people.

effectively making your online experience totally anonymous. With the NSA calling it “the King of high-secure, low-latency Internet anonymity” it must have some serious kick.

Crazy Shit You Can Do on the Dark Web As stated above TOR allows you to also access the “dark web.” These are special websites that can only be accessed

Cool Implications of Anonymity

by anonymous users (users of TOR) and only accessed using

Being completely honest, I was really only interested in the

specific links ending in .Onion. These links can be researched

dark web because I heard there is a shit load of illegal and

through search engines, and chan forums such as Reddit,

NEXUS MAGAZINE Feature

while the “hidden wiki” site located within the dark net gives you more information on how to navigate your way through the darkness. Due to the fact that this area is anonymous and unregulated, it’s hard to tell what is real and what is not — but some gnarly sites do exist. Silk Road An advisor on cyber operations to the United States government has described the Silk Road as “a buffet dinner for narcotics”. I like to imagine the Silk Road as a gigantic tinnie house somewhere out in cyberspace that is shipping all over the planet, however, it’s more like the local night markets where different buyers and sellers come together anonymously to buy and sell their goods. Anything from class C to class A drugs can be found and shipped to your doorstep, that is of course if you’re willing to risk it for the biscuits (pun intended). The Silk Road was a website set up and run by a man with the anonymous username “Dread Pirate Roberts”. Through an elaborate F.B.I scheme that involved faking the deaths of informants and undercover police officers posing as cocaine distributors, the Jack Sparrow of adult treats was arrested and detained last year, however he is still to be charged. The Silk Road was shut down for a mere 60 days before it was up and running again using different servers but with the same format. Aren’t drug dealers resilient <3

I like to imagine the Silk Road as a gigantic tinnie house somewhere out in cyberspace that is shipping all over the planet, however, it’s more like the local night markets...

Hire a Hitman This one really makes me question the legitimacy of anonymity but I like to think that all the way over here in N.Z we are safe from those style of killers you imagine only to exist in Bond films (naïve as fuck, I know). If you have the cash, organisations such as the White Wolves Professionals offer not only a shitty PowerPoint, but services of “research”,

going Eftpos through and through. Swipe or die!

“intelligence”, “deterrence”, and “intervention”. Jobs inside

I’ve taken a light hearted spin on the dark web, but the

the EU will require an initial fee of $5,000, while jobs outside

implications are real and serious. As it is with all things

the EU require a down payment of $10,000. After that,

involving human beings, there will be a constant struggle

depending on who you choose (if you’re a sick rich fuck),

between right or wrong. The reason the dark web and

the termination fee will cost anywhere from $20,000 for an

TOR was invented in the first place is because the creators

ordinary person to $200,000 for a business associate. Fun

felt that the “privacy” of the original internet had been

fact: paparazzi are worth less than journalists.

compromised. Something that was imagined to “connect us

Credit Card Fraud Ever wanted to really get that Brazzers subscription but too afraid your mum might check the purchases on your linked account? Have no fear, Atlantic carding is here. This is just one of the many websites that offers the card details and names of card holders from all over the world in order for you to make the purchases of your dreams — with someone

you can access for your own personal use. I just recommend

all together” can also be used to subdivide and catergorise us. With the internet, the dark web, and everything in life, it is our responsibility to educate and make ourselves aware of what is going on. The information age means that there will always be an abundance of propaganda and distorted facts from both sides of any argument. Keep your eyes open and your brain switched on. Determine your own truth.

else’s money. It seems crazy that somewhere out there is a

Chur

bank (pun master strikes again) of credit card details that

Crafty out x

N.09 / V.47

U N I M E A L! VOUCHER

W IT H AI LO I

SPUD FRIES KE & 330ML CO $17.90

USUALLY $22.30

Offer available at any BurgerFuel in New Zealand. Not available with any other offer. One voucher per person, per visit. Not valid for online ordering. Expires 28/06/15.

NEXUS MAGAZINE Your Space

Geek Central: Hillcrest

Jared and Luke’s room continue the theme of geekiness, with a vintage poker machine playing music in Luke’s room, and an eyeblurring amount of movie posters in Jared’s. It’s clear to see why these flatmates get along so well. Kreshia’s room is probably the only normal thing in the house.

Jared, Luke, Kreshia, Paige, Makayla, and Jordan have the sort of

Finally, we find Jordan and Paige’s room. Once a sunroom, it was

bond that makes you envious — that, and a little creeped out.

converted for these two to sleep in. Two double beds pushed

We’re welcomed into the flat by Jared, our film reviewer; Luke, a strapping man in Hilfiger glasses, and Makayla, a dream in Batman

together make one mega bed for Jordan and Paige. Paige tells us how Jordan, though a small boy, can really hog a mattress.

leggings. An oversized Loki cardboard cutout also greets us at the

Other rooms we find are the office, with a suspicious stain “from

door.

shark week,” and the lounge, with a gigantic TV for movie watching.

First, it’s Makayla’s room. Every inch of the walls are decked out in

This has to have been my favourite flat so far, and I’m not just saying

comic book heros. An extensive collection of Pop figurines sit pride of

that because I want to be friends with all of them (hint: I do, please

place in the corner, next to a Batman bust with a floral crown no less.

call me).

N.09 / V.47

Photography: Cameron Robinson

Your Space NEXUS MAGAZINE

NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns

CONFESSIONS OF JAMES BRODIE

Opening Up James Brodie

Open days are just like tasting the chocolate brownie at Momento. It’s the thing that drags you into wanting the whole cake — and that’s kind of what open days are about, except for studying. Luring children (and mature students) in for the day and hopefully out of it getting some new blood into the university to keep its central heart beating faster — and in turn make that heart larger than the heart of Michael Jackson himself. Without the blood to

Hi guys. As you are all probably aware, Open Day is around the corner.

function the beating heart that is the University of Waikato, the whole thing would die — and that would be a huge shame.

Scary isn’t it? All these young teenagers (and young teenagers-at-

So if the idea of high school students (and others) gathering

heart) coming into our world to experience our lives for a day or

in their masses is making you lose more sleep than me, just

so. I imagine they are probably scared too. And I can completely

remember that they are like potential family. Embrace them — who

see why.

knows what you might get in return (A million dollars please ;)…)

When you enter a new place and its culture for the first time,

Anyway, better leave it there. Enjoy the madness while it lasts.

things feel strange. Not saying that we are the strangest people in the world, but when you take some real time to think about it —

Bye for now

every time we do something for the first time, it’s strange to start

(P.S. To THOT KING: Thanks for sharing your views to the masses. I

with, but at the same time quite relieving and refreshing. Almost

respect what you have to say — but at the end of the day Nexus is

like you’ve smashed a brick wall with your pinkie finger. It’s hard to

aimed to be a relief from the stress that MANY of us students face.

believe that you did it, but it’s such an achievement that you just

While there is always improvement to be made, we don’t hate

lived in the moment (so to speak).

freedom. You’re freer than you think. Sit down).

SHE’S ABROAD

USA Has a Big Ugly Foot Rebecca Pollard

My calculated footprint if I was living in the states right now is 6.2 planet Earths, whereas my footprint here is a calculated 1.6 planet Earths. By “here” I really mean Tasmania, Australia because that’s the closest location footprintnetwork.org has to New Zealand… but don’t worry, I emailed them alerting them that New Zealand really should be added to the map soon. Regardless, the way I am living here has reduced my footprint by 4.6 planets! However I can’t take credit for that, New Zealand has

When I was a junior (3rd year) in high school, I took my first environmental science class. Here, I quickly realised that, contrary to my own beliefs, I had not been living “green” at all.

1. New Zealand has master power switches on each of their outlets! This blew my mind my first day here and still kind of

for my daily 17-minute showers, complete lack of recycling, and

does. These don’t exist anywhere in the states; most people

even my meandering day-drives taken simply to ponder on wheels.

don’t even believe chargers and such suck energy when you leave them plugged in without the device attached.

quiz that would show him or her their “ecological footprint,” a

2. I have no car here, and the bus system is actually pretty solid

metric created to calculate human pressure on the planet. I was

compared to my suburban hometown, which lacks any public

absolutely shocked to find out that, “If everyone lived like [me],

transportation at all.

we’d need 8.2 planet Earths to provide enough resources.” I wouldn’t exactly call that living sustainably.

3. There is convenient, clean, organised recycling available nearly everywhere. This list could be substantially more extensive

Since then I’ve made a conscious effort to reduce my fat ecological

than this, but really what I’m trying to say is good on you New

footprint, but it wasn’t until coming to New Zealand that I was

Zealand — thank you for your sustainable footprint!

able to get it even close to 1 planet worth of resources.

N.09 / V.47

Some of the reasons why my footprint is so much smaller here:

I had tricked myself into believing that my vegetarianism made up

During one of the first classes, everyone was asked to take a

kind of forced me into it — not that I’m complaining!

Columns NEXUS MAGAZINE

ALC 101

“BUT DON’T ALL THOSE SUPER #RELEVANT ADS TEACH US NOT TO DRINK & FRY? YEAH, THEY DO. BUT FUCK THEM — YOU’RE AN ADULT.”

Lesson 9: Cooking With Wine

Here’s an idiot-proof guide to not burning down the house or

Drunk Professor

started making cheese sauce then it will catch and burn while

chopping off your fuckin’ fingers. Ensure You Have Everything You Need Before Pouring a Glass If you realise you don’t have enough milk after you’ve already you walk to the shop because you’re already too pissed to drive. Dinner will be ruined and the kitchen might catch on fire too. Your pet budgie will be burnt alive and your collection of mismatched mugs will perish.

Wine has been a part of the myths and narratives of European culture since the Grecian celebrations of Dionysus, God of the Grape. Food and wine are linked in celebrations and revelry. Jesus himself encouraged his disciples to eat bread and turned water into wine, though it is perceived that this wine was non-alcoholic. When cooking with wine it is recommended that a low alcohol percentage be chosen. Dionysus would not approve. And neither does Drunk Professor. Both alcohol consumption and cooking are cathartic, sensory experiences — merge the two without evaporating the alcohol content. Stress dissipates when you’re standing sipping a dark merlot from a long stemmed glass in the kitchen. It melts away as garlic sizzles in a hot pan and the smell of butter fills the air. The pressure of

Get Changed or Wear an Apron Red wine stains, so does tomato puree, soy sauce, beetroot juice... If you value your clothing, cook in a shitty old tee, not anything that you enjoy wearing in public. Don’t try to multitask and do washing while cooking because you’ve ruined your favourite sweater slopping wine everywhere as you stir. You’re a student, not a domestic goddess. Calm down. Invite Company Over Cooking for one is lonely, tragic, and forces leftovers into your life where they aren’t wanted. Have someone sit and talk to you while you cook — kitchen couches are recommended. Chatting, drinking, and cooking is a great way to unwind and vent frustrations over group assignments or monotonous lecturers.

deadlines disappears when you pop the cork off a sav and chop red

Watch What You’re Chopping

and yellow capsicum into chunks to mix through your stir-fry.

Blood ruins most meals.

But don’t all those super #relevant ads teach us not to drink & fry?

Next week Drunk Professor explores the pros and cons of mixing

Yeah, they do. But fuck them — you’re an adult.

your poisons. Is it really okay to drink vodka and smoke weed?

NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns

A FASHIONABLE LIFESTYLE

“$5 FOR A BLACK COFFEE IS NOT OKAY!”

What Your Shoes Say About You Jess Wilson

Nike Trainers You’re the definition of average. You don’t understand why Nexus picks on Momento’s overpriced coffee because Starbucks charges the same amount. You don’t understand how Starbucks, a globally successful coffee superstar, have been strenuously constructing their iconic brand and unquestioning loyal fan-base since 1971, whereas Momento is simply charging ridiculous amounts due to their monopoly. $5 for a black coffee is not okay! Doc Martens

The title of this article screams “Buzzfeed!” whereas the

You want to look like you don’t care what people think of you, but

author screams “notable literary legend endorsed by The New

the pressing desire to be the object of everyone’s affection is a

Yorker and Times magazine”. It’s an interesting contradiction,

heavy weight you carry upon your plaid-covered shoulders. You

one that strikes more of an artistic contrast than a troublingly

want to try getting a cat high. Also, I know it’s shroom season —

incompatible title-author combo. Am I bulking this out to reach

please stop reminding me.

my word count? You betcha.

Chris Brown did nothing wrong.

Converse

Heels

Your mother tried to kick you out at seventeen, but you managed

You would rather buy $6 coconut water than give that money to

to convince her of your worth. “I can cook, I can clean!” you

the Cancer Society of New Zealand. You likely wore stilettos to

shrieked as she batted you away with a broom. Mother allowed

your Grandma’s funeral. Chris Brown did nothing wrong.

you to stay — however, two days later she kicked you out because you did not come through on the whole having empathy and helping out thing.

N.09 / V.47

Knee-High Flat Boots

Shoes — your shoes in particular; what do they say about you? BAM!

Bare-Feet You understand every obscure reference to the Bible. Your mother refused to quit smoking and drinking when you were in her womb.

Vans

Sometimes you put your hand up in lectures and slowly lower it when

You skate because you enjoy it, but mostly because you think it

you realise now isn’t the time for questions. Speaking of questions,

makes you look cool, but also because you enjoy it a little.

why are we here? And why did that bitch friend-zone you?

Columns NEXUS MAGAZINE

AUNTY SLUT

“IF HE DOESN’T LIKE LUBE, TELL HIM TO GET DOWN THERE WITH HIS MOUTH AND STAY DOWN THERE UNTIL HE DROWNS…”

Dry & Horny Aunty Slut

would know that no two women are the same. Some come like fountains and require paddling pools, some take ages to warm up, and some find their natural lubricant isn’t enough. Whatever your cunt is doing in terms of lubrication, it is normal, and awesome and I won’t hear otherwise. Many women find that they need a little extra lubrication when engaging in sexy times — this is why lubricant was invented. It’s not some imagined dig at your boyfriend for not turning

Dear Aunty Slut,

you on enough. It’s not some shameful dirty secret that no one

I’ve only ever been with one person my boyfriend and dayum the

knows about — you can find lube in your supermarket, next to

sex is good so we have a lot of it. But because we go at it like

the plasters. If shit hit the fan because you suggested a LOGICAL

adolescent rabbits I naturally can run dry sometimes which is shit.

solution to an issue experienced by MOST women at some point

I’ve only ever had him and he has had his fair share of girls and

in their lives, then he needs a serious reality check. And an ego

has never had someone ‘run dry’ and so he gets upset when I do. I

check. And a check for douche-baggery, because this smacks of

suggested lube and shit hit the fan. Help me out Aunty Slut I need

douche-baggery of the highest order.

to convince him! From Dry & Horny

If he doesn’t like lube, tell him to get down there with his mouth and stay down there until he drowns — or is he also offended by cunnilingus since his tiny boner isn’t the centre of attention?

Dear Dry & Horny I’m starting to feel like a very sexy broken record but I need to start with: you are normal and awesome, your cunt is normal and awesome. It is, as you say NATURAL to run dry when sexing up a storm. But there is definitely something abnormal with your situation.

I know what it’s like to have sex for the first time. It feels awesome, you don’t think it will ever get better. But you have no frame of reference against this egotistical fucktard (I mean your bf). I can guarantee that whatever level of awesome you are currently experiencing, it will feel more awesome with your next man, if only because he’ll grow up and let you use lube, because sex is really

If your boyfriend has really had his ‘fair share’ of women, (and

good when it’s really good and slippery. Level up bitch, you’ve got

was paying attention to something other than his tiny boner), he

way more coming than this in your future. xxx

NEXUS MAGAZINE Columns

THE WEEKLY GRIND

“I SHIT YOU NOT, YOU CAN EXPERIENCE THE GREATEST, LONGEST, AND MOST INTENSE O YOU HAVE EVER HAD. IT’S PROVEN. JUST ASK MY ANUS.”

Treat Yourself This May, Try Anal Play Resident Gay

shower session forever. You will be a new man and nobody has to know. All you need to understand is that just a middle finger will do. In the privacy of your own shower, you must sacrifice one soapy finger to achieve greatness. I shit you not, you can experience the greatest, longest, and most intense O you have ever had. It’s proven. Just ask my anus. Your lucky finger must begin his quest by finding the back of the prostate. Never fear, this is a shallow operation and the prostate will be located only an inch in. But don’t think this alone will get

What better way to celebrate post-Mother’s day than with anal

you going. It’s all about targeting different key areas at the same

play — you deserve a little somethin-somethin too!

time. In order to revolutionise the night’s routine release, you

Now you may consider anal a shit storm waiting to happen, but let me assure you, it is. You are going to get poo everywhere. Common sense will tell you if you empty yourself a while before hand, and have discovered the art of wiping properly (WITH WET WIPES), then not even Gary, your pet tapeworm, can dirty the fun. That’s a lie. Gary will definitely dirty the fun. He’s a tapeworm.

N.09 / V.47

basically need to make the usual milkshake plus this one extra bum finger. Once you’re close, make sure your finger is in position and let yourself feel the rainbow. You will probably fall to the shower floor and shake for about half a minute. This is normal. You may be uncomfortable with the idea entirely but this just means you’re a pussy. Real talk: It’s just a finger so gay up and take it up the bum. With the prostate and peen working together,

I realise that Da Boiz aren’t going to be taking each other in

you can finally realise your sexual potential. You don’t have to be

anytime soon, but what I’m about to reveal will improve your

basic anymore.

Columns NEXUS MAGAZINE

THE SINGLE LIFE

“MY OWN RENDITION OF CYNDI LAUPER’S CLASSIC ‘TIME AFTER TIME’ WAS SOMEHOW NOT PICKED UP BY ANY MAJOR RECORD PRODUCER — JUST THE ENTIRETY OF MY FORM AT SCHOOL.”

Friend-zoned? A Guide for the Utterly Clueless Emma Nygard

Whilst I don’t think people should feel entitled to have their feelings requited, it still completely sucks when your romantic feelings and their platonic indifference can’t just meet somewhere neatly in the middle. But that doesn’t give you an excuse to be a dick about it! In my own experience I am usually the person being told to calm down and return to the friend-zone where I belong but occasionally — occasionally I find myself in the equally as awkward position of telling someone, “Hey, let’s just be buds.” To which the reply is often some passive-aggressive version of “But I’m a nice guy, if I’m nice why don’t you feel entitled to like me? Bitch.” To which I would reply, “I don’t care how nice you are, you have a

So, let’s talk about the friend-zone, AKA: the place I spent the

weird obsession with Pokemon and smell like Doritos most of the

entirety of my High School years stuck in. Because for some odd

time.” (Actually just a short description of myself.)

reason, being a teenage girl with a notoriously bad fringe and a part time job at EB games didn’t stimulate any romantic desires within the hearts of boys (I’m as confused as you are). But alas, I am not some fedora wearing hypocrite here to complain about my sad life spent being friends with people; I was totally cool with it. There were of course moments where I’d cry, listen to way too much Taylor Swift, and log onto anonymous chat rooms at 2 AM to ask strangers if they had any idea how to get out of the

Stop thinking you’re entitled to people’s affections because you’re nice — chances are you’re an asshole in denial anyway. On the other end of the spectrum there is the genuinely nice guy that you feel genuinely upset about not being able to like-likethat. A substitute boyfriend of sorts, you may love him to bits in every single (non-romantic) way, but the thought of kissing him is, well, vomit inducing.

friend-zone (they didn’t). Aside from how agonisingly rejected I

To him/her I have a piece of advice, if he/she invites you over

felt, the friend zone was cool — like hey you didn’t want to date

for ‘movies and chill’ and all you do is watch movies and chill —

me but at least as your friend, I was there to help you get with that

you’re in the friend-zone. Please, don’t profess your undying love

girl you’d always had a crush on. Awesome!

anytime soon.

NEXUS MAGAZINE Cooking for Students

Chocolate SelfSaucing Pudding

1 cup of brown sugar 1/2 white sugar 4 tbs cocoa powder 2 cups of boiling water

Zac Lyon Method 1. Combine white sugar, cocoa, flour, baking powder and salt into a large bowl. The importance of a quality dessert cannot be overlooked. The simple mixture of sugar, butter, eggs, and a few other ingredients have the ability to turn you from zero to hero. I have risen through the ranks to dessert stardom. It was a long road, full of peril — burnt finger tips, hot butter scalds, and RSI (repetitive stress injury) — I swear it was from beating cake and dessert mixtures. Also as a sidenote, don’t put your finger in between the arms of an electric beater. It seems like a good idea at the time, but it is not. Ever. Especially with these cooler winter nights, a quality homemade dessert is the only bright light in a sea of creeping cold and enveloping fog. This week’s recipe has pulled me from the brink of forced cryogenic sleep many times.

2. Make a well in the centre, add in melted butter, milk, and vanilla extract. 3. Use an electric beater (remember finger out of the way!) and beat until a nice thick consistency. 4. Pour batter into a large baking dish that you have greased slightly with butter. 5. Combine brown sugar, white sugar, and cocoa powder in a smaller bowl and mix until combined. Sprinkle over batter in baking dish as evenly as possible. 6. Carefully pour over boiling water — don’t make a crater in the batter, so pour boiling water onto the back of a spoon.

Ingredients

happens and the batter cooks and flips over like an upturned boat. You

2 tbs cocoa

want to cook until there is a nice cake consistency on top and beneath, a

100 g butter melted

molten chocolate lava lake.

1 1/3 cups of flour 4 tsp baking powder 1/4 tsp salt 2/3 cups of milk 1 tsp vanilla

7. Bake at 180°C for about 40 mins. In this time, some culinary wizardry

1 cup of white sugar

N.09 / V.47

8. I’m not joking about the lava lake. Hot sugary chocolate is not friendly with your soft lips. Scalding will occur if not treated carefully. You have been warned. 9. Hibernate with a bowl of this beside you and I’ll see you in the summer.

Blind Date NEXUS MAGAZINE

Brought to you by The Bank and 97.8 The Edge. Each week Nexus attempts to make a love/sexual connection. if you’re keen for a date on us, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz

After a four-month drought I decided to enter the Nexus blind

Family events are normally meant to scare your boner back

date in an attempt to find the man of my dreams… or at least

inside of you — especially when you accidentally catch your

someone to keep me warm for the night. I set myself a mission

great uncle bent over at the BBQ. But we all know how much

for the date: to get smashed in more ways than one.

the game changes when your older sister’s hot best mate turns

The Lady’s Experience

I walked in not knowing what to expect. The staff pointed me to the table where my date was waiting. Nexus, have you set me up with a drug dealer?! His long untamed locks were pulled back into a man bun, but his friendly grin was inviting. I contemplated

The Gentleman’s Experience

up. This pretty much sums up how the night started off, she rolls in with a shoe choice of a 5 out of 10 and hair of a 9, but once she sat down and ordered a Waikato, I knew the manager hadn’t been lying when he said she was a solid 10.

making a run for it, but decided to give the boy a chance. The

Alcohol flowed fast and conversation flowed well — up until

first thing he asked me was whether I was here to get fucked up

the point where we realised I was the same age as her younger

or if I was after dinner. We decided we would order a main each

brother, past then it only went uphill. I couldn’t tell if it was the

and spend the rest at the bar.

Waikato’s or she’s grown to embrace Hamiltonian culture a little

The conversation flowed and I really enjoyed his company. However, things did get awkward when I found out that he was a first year living at Student Village. There was no way I would be getting with an 18 year old. Desperate and a wee bit drunk, I started to look around the room to find someone else

too much, but there was a twinkle in her eye that let me know she was into that kind of shit. Let’s just pretend that by the time we got to Shenanigans I 100% let her win those games of pool. After waking up lying in my own bed with her number in my phone, it’s safe to say that I didn’t help her keep it in the family.

to go home with. There he stood, tall, dark and handsome with piercing blue eyes and a well-defined jawline. “That’s the one,” I thought to myself. After rounds of beers, cocktails, shots, and whiskey on the rocks, the tab ran dry, but I was still thirsty. I had a $50 voucher, which I used to top up our tab. We were the last ones left at the bank but I was not ready to go home just yet. We decided to move on to Shenanigans and I asked tall, dark, and handsome if he cared to join me once his shift finished. He did and I woke up at his place in the morning. Let’s just say, mission accomplished!

NEXUS MAGAZINE 50 Years of Nexus

N.09 / V.47

Snapped NEXUS MAGAZINE

Snap nexusmag your shenanigans! The best snap each week (printed with the Burgerfuel logo), wins a voucher from our mates at Burgerfuel. Claim it from the Nexus office in SUB.

NEXUS MAGAZINE CARE

WAIK ATO STUDENTS’ UNION

WSU Presents The By-Election 2015 The WSU Board have called a by-election to fill two vacant director positions. Next week we will have more information for you but here are 7 things we know right now: 1. The Election period will commence at 10am this coming Monday, the 18th of May and conclude Wednesday the 20th of May at 4pm. 2. The WSU will be moving the whole thing online like proper grown ups so no more senseless tree deaths 3. You can only vote online once but when you do you can select up to two candidates.

HERE ARE THE CANDIDATES, RAW, IN THEIR OWN WORDS AND UN-CHECKED FOR SPELLING OR GRAMMAR MISTAKES LIKE DEMOCRACY INTENDED...

4. If you’re not a member of the WSU you can join just by voting (provided you are an eligible student.) 5. The WSU will be creating some information kiosks to let you know more about the candidates and how to vote so look out for them this week. 6. The WSU will be hosting three get to know the candidate lunches so check out our facebook for details on free eats all this week. 7. Campaigning has already begun so brace yourself for flyers, posters and mildly awkward conversations

Rosemarie Fili

Ari Lewis

Kale Isaac

Malo e lelei, my name is Rosemarie Fili. I am a

Kia Ora. Though this is the first year of my Bachelor of

‘I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you

responsible Master of Management studies’ student

Communication Studies at the University of Waikato, I

want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I

and a Bachelor of Social Science Honours graduate.

know I have much to bring to the WSU. I have wasted

don’t have money but what I do have are a very

no time in getting involved with as many different

particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a

student initiatives as possible including; Tramping

very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for

Club, Debating Society, Boardgamers Club, UniQ,

people like you. If you vote for me, that will be the

Feminists Group, etc. I also live on campus at the

end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.

Student Village and though I have more life experience

But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and

and am noticeably older than most of the residents at

I will kill you.’

I always look forward to making the most of challenges that are handed to me and have developed leadership skills through ambassador, sports and community roles. I have excellent interpersonal communication skills, the ability to work in a team and as an individual. Whether it is mentally, physically and spiritually, I am always willing to represent the University of Waikato. I am passionate about my studies just as I am about my Tongan culture. I love meeting new people and making new friends, and my main objective in life is to be happy and to have as much fun as I can. Whether it be long boarding, playing sports, partying or working.

N.09 / V.47

22, it is proving to be a very worthwhile option. I want to join the WSU Board to get more students (particularly first years) involved with extracurricular activities, both on and off campus. I believe that as the future leaders, innovators, decision makers, and overall movers & shakers of Hamilton, New Zealand and the world; the youth of today will only benefit from being more active in their own communities and the global community.

- Kale Neeson Trying to create a Waikato Student Culture that takes care of the social side of uni. So if your keen for a killer O-week/Reo-week and everything inbetween then vote for ya boy!

CARE NEXUS MAGAZINE

Rikus Wiehahn

William Lewis

Stephen Taylor

So now I moustache you to vote for me… Here are

A vote for me will get you a director with great

Through my six years at Waikato I have had some

three reasons:

experience, the right priorities and genuine passion.

amazing experiences. This year I want to give back

I’ve been Deputy Chair of the Hamilton Youth

and to do all I can to ensure that everyone’s time here

Council, a Ministry of Youth Development Youth

is out of this world.

firstly, I will use the new-found power to organize the world’s largest game of possum, and this is a promise.

Advisor and Waikato Law Students’ Association

Secondly, I’m all about making Waikato distinct. Let’s

Treasurer. I will focus on providing sound governance,

create a huge squad vibe and have outlandish events

affordable student services and initiatives that

that aren’t just music gigs and town; because that

create an awesome student experience. A couple

gets boring.

of friends involved with the WSU suggested I put

Thirdly, I am genuinely committed to serving you guys, and we need a few ticks to get in there (I’m not doing this as a popularity contest, which is kinda what it feels like). Honestly, we’re only going to find that mythical Waikato vibe that we know is possible if we push some boundaries and come up with stuff that nobody else does. Let’s make this happen. #moocrew

myself forward, so I found out what exactly the WSU is supposed to do and how they are trying to do it. Now I’m excited to use my time and skills to help

As well as studying I have been involved in many different clubs on campus as both a general member and on the executive (in a wide range of positions). Through this I have learnt to be approachable, friendly and able to work with the student population, and have developed a passion for being involved and helping people to have the opportunities I was given.

out the WSU and represent everyday students. I’m a

The skills I have picked up along the way put me in a

third year law and social sciences student. I grew up

position where I feel I would be an effective member

on the Coromandel and went to Thames High School.

of the WSU board for the rest of this term and could

Keep an eye out for me at facebook.com/will4wsu,

hit the ground running. I want to work for the student

and of course for some blatant election bribes.

voice and creating opportunities and experiences to make your time here at Waikato unforgettable!!!

Jadeine McLeod

Wayne Mako

Charlotte Sanson

Kia ora, I’m Jadeine and I’m a final year law student.

Where there’s a will there’s a Wayne.

Ever considered yourself a little bitch?

Having been involved in many other areas of

I was born down Wellys, grew up in Whangarei, now

Guilty — I’ve spent thousands of dollars, dollars that I

governance and student life, I believe I have the skills

experiencing Middle Earth and trying to find the

don’t have, over the last 3 years at university watch-

and passion that will make me an effective WSU

precious. I love sports, music, famz and chilling. My

ing opportunities pass me by because I was too

Director. I have a BA in Politics & Drama, and my party

first year was intense, stressful and had no mates.

scared to take them. And at the end, I might get an

trick is singing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme.

Today, still got no mates lol. I’m 3rd year majoring in

A4 piece of paper that I can frame, hang on my wall

strategic management & Te Reo. Unis good and now

and have as a constant reminder of the massive debt

rocking votes 4 WSU.

I owe to Señor Key. But what if there was more to uni

During my three years here, I’ve been involved in everything I can because I’m passionate about making the student experience the best it can

I’m like a Holden Colorado 4WD. Trustworthy,

possibly be. I was on WULSA 2013/2014, and am

reliable, and tough. Can get muddy but also gets

a member of various clubs and organisations. I’m

the job done. It has amazing features, carries tons of

also a fierce advocate for student issues, such

weight and AMAZING for just running over things. So

as maintaining our free parking and developing

to the other tributes — may the odds… ‘you know’.

textbook grants for you.

than getting that parchment? What if uni was about having a wealth of opportunities that allowed us to make the most out of being a student at Waikato? I want to help students get amongst the opportunities that being a student has to offer and make the most out of our university experience we pay so much for.

But seriously now I’m keen to advocate for YOU. A

Think student involvement, student culture, student

I would love if you could vote for me and I’m always

voice for justice, a voice of reasoning, a real listening

community, student events, and $1 sushi #ihaveal-

up for a chat, so stop me on campus or message me

voice for ALL students. And if I get lucky free ghost

mostusedthe150wordlimit #onehashtag=oneword

on FB @ facebook.com/JadeineForWSU

chips for everybody if not well Valar Morghulis.

#nopromiseson$1sushibutitwouldbefuckingdope #votecharlotteforWSUdirector #dontbealittlebitch

NEXUS MAGAZINE Puzzles

SUDOKU

2 5

2 8

7 5

19 26

9 9

18 4

3 7

HARD

3 2

13 14

Join the dots to create a single continuous

22 25

loop. The numbers indicate how many lines

14 16

14 2

F F

16 25

SLITHERLINK

Each letter in the puzzle is represented by a number 1 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 26. Crack the code to solve it. 10

CODEWORDS

MEDIUM

5 2

7 1

3 8

EASY

must never cross itself.

1 2

2 2

TRIVIAL

What is the cubed root of 729?

The ruins of Persepolis are in which

must surround each number and the loop

modern day country? The famous locomotive, a racehorse in the

1920â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s and an infamous highwayman all share what same name?

WORD TWIST

N.09 / V.47

How many words can you make from these letters? The letters must touch horizontally, vertically or diagonally and cannot be used more than once in a word.

Puzzles NEXUS MAGAZINE

CROSSWORD

KAKURO Fill all of the blank squares in the grid using only the

Solve the clues and fill in the words. 1

numbers 1 – 9 so the numbers entered add up to the corresponding clue. You cannot use the same number

21 24

15 9

11 3

44 20

Across

43. Swords (6)

21. Aardvark’s fare (4)

1. Atomizer output (4)

44. Beams (5)

23. Pint-sized (4)

5. Guitar attachment (5)

45. Supplies (5)

25. A Swiss army knife has

10. Cicatrix (4)

46. Makes bare (6)

lots of them (4)

14. Savvy about (4)

48. Celtic great (4)

26. Tumbler (5)

15. Tranquility (5)

49. Swiss or Jersey (3)

27. Boatload (5)

16. Call to a mate (4)

52. Saudi, e.g. (4)

28. ___ City, Maryland or

17. “Don’t go!” (4)

53. Pennants (5)

New Jersey (5)

18. Choler (5)

55. Walking stick (4)

29. New moon, e.g. (5)

19. “The ___ Ranger” (4)

56. Confront (4)

30. Beginning of a

20. George W., to George (3)

57. Black billiard ball (5)

conclusion (5)

21. Puts two and two

58. Airy (4)

31. Barely beats (5)

together (4)

59. Baby blues (4)

33. Top competitors, often (5)

22. Gawks (6)

60. Breathers (5)

34. Type of painting (9)

24. Beach sights (5)

61. Midterm, e.g. (4)

36. Reassign (8)

26. Leader (5)

6 4

6 16

more than once in a run (eg. 7, 1, 1).

SIMPLE PUZZLES FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE Complete the picture of the cockatoo.

37. “Get ___!” (4)

27. Glides (6)

Down

39. Big bore (4)

29. Designs (5)

1. Forest growth (4)

40. Hightailed it (4)

30. Atomic number 2 (2)

2. Digging, so to speak (4)

42. Apache and Comanche (6)

32. “Green ___” (5)

3. Norms (9)

43. Breaks open (6)

33. Disreputable (5)

4. Cracker Jack bonus (3)

44. Blessing (5)

34. ___ Zeppelin (3)

5. Black suit (6)

45. Battle (5)

35. Cincinnati team (4)

6. Inclines (5)

46. Hotel convenience (4)

36. Bait (5)

7. Cleaning cloths (4)

47. Cafeteria carrier (4)

37. “You ___?” (4)

8. Duffer’s dream (3)

48. Sacks (4)

38. Good time (3)

9. Sway (3)

50. Individuals (4)

39. Garb (5)

10. Tuna and chicken (6)

51. Hit the road (4)

40. Parry (5)

11. Job (5)

54. Deception (3)

41. Atop (2)

12. Bang-up (4)

55. Camp sack (3)

42. Barter (5)

13. Bakery selections (4) 41

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At Waikato, we offer a range of flexible postgraduate programmes, designed to help you fast track your career, open up further career opportunities, or change career direction. Come along to our postgraduate information session to find out how you can set yourself up for where the world is going, with the university that is going there. Thursday 14 May Time: 5.30pm â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7pm Venue: The Verandah, Hamilton Lake If you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make it to this session, talk to us on 0800 WAIKATO or visit waikato.ac.nz/go/july to find out more.