Nexus 2018 Issue 09 by Nexus Magazine

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Editorial FOMO News Easy News Horoscopes Entertainment Reviews Random Audit: POLSC211-18A Pass the Aux The Crowd Goes Mild Seven Wines at Nine Centrefold How to Design Your Way Through University with Incredibly Cool Essay Formatting and Slideshows That Have Lasers PS. Sorry This Is Such a Long Title Lonely Tarts Club Arts Full Exposure: Zinefest This vs. That Waikatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Flats Page 32 Yam & Troy the Science Boys Page 34 Bachelor of Being Broke Page 35 Blind Date Page 37 Snapped Page 39 Puzzles Page 40

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Issue 9, 7th - 11th May 2018 Editor: Lyam Buchanan editor@nexusmag.co.nz Design: Vincent Owen design@nexusmag.co.nz Managing Editor: James Raffan james@wsu.org.nz Deputy Editor: Grace Mitchell grace@nexusmag.co.nz News Editor: Alexander Nebesky alex@nexusmag.co.nz Sub Editor: Jennie-Louise Kendrick jen@nexusmag.co.nz Reviews Editor: Archie Porter reviews@nexusmag.co.nz

Contributors: Conor Maxwell, CJ Lee, Owen Schonewille, Nicola Smith, Cameron McRobie, Peter Dornauf, Emily Reid, Kim Sare, Kaitlin Stewart, Troy Anderson, Scott Carroll, and the tenants of the Commune. Centrefold: SĂŠbastian Touache Instagram: @sebastientouache Online: www.sebastientouache.com Horoscope Illustrations: Josh Nelson Instagram: @joshprobably Twitter: @joshDrawbably Design Interns: Patrick Knights, Ray Puri Video Interns: Isaac Wohlers, Madison MacInnes Podcast Editor: Caleb Bird

Darius Rucker did the Best ‘Wagon Wheel’ Academy Award-winning screenwriter Aaron Sorkin once said, “I am all for everyone having a voice, I just don’t think everyone has earned the microphone. And that’s what the Internet has done.” It got me thinking about how anyone can say anything online; you can generally spout whatever bullshit you want and face minimal backlash. As a result of this, people occasionally get a little too sure of themselves. After all, it only takes one like on Facebook to validate an opinion. Let me give you two examples. The first is an article titled “Why Nathan Carter’s ‘Wagon Wheel’ is the greatest song in history”. Whoever wrote that can fuck off and die. Everyone knows Darius Rucker’s version of ‘Wagon Wheel’ is the best song ever created. Now, I can understand why people would claim that the Old Crow Medicine Show did a good ‘Wagon Wheel’, but it’s clearly not the “anthem of the sesh” we’ve come to know and love. There’s a reason it’s never the Nathan Carter version when you’re in the midst of a Shenanigans sweat pit. A lot of the time, the most ill-conceived, poorly researched shit is presented as fact. Now, this may sound hypocritical coming from the editor of a student magazine, but compared to exemplary media outlets such as The New Zealand Herald, Stuff and Newshub who’re all taking heat for their clickbait tendencies and arguably racist comment sections, I think we’re in the clear to claim Rucker’s country music dominance. Last week, we saw an even worse example. Rumours were circulating about Clarke Gayford, while journalists perused 4Chan and Reddit in a desperate attempt to find credibility. Chuck in a few cease and desist letters, and before you know it, the chief of police comes out with a statement and press conference claiming Mr Gayford is not under police investigation. People talked shit on the Internet, and it ended up needing a press conference. Now the four million New Zealanders who only tuned into see the Prime Minister’s boyfriend being the subject of a press release, instead just watched the police chief state that Gayford was not actually being investigated. Which means people will always now wonder what he may have done. Sorkin was right. The Internet gives people a microphone. Maybe it’s used for political reasons; maybe it’s just used to hurt someone’s feelings. But the one thing it should never be used for is to slander the purity of Darius Rucker’s ‘Wagon Wheel’.

– Lyam 1

Waikato Fashion Fest 2018 | Friday 25th May | 7 pm ‘til 10 pm | The Gallagher Performing Arts Centre (Playhouse Theatre)

Keen to check out the latest fashion looks, entertainment from local artists and more? Waikato Fashion Fest is hosted by a group of Management School students raising funds and awareness for Epilepsy New Zealand. The event also contributes to their final grade so support your fellow classmates and get amongst it. $20 entry fee, tickets are available from Event Brite or the WFF Facebook page.

SAN Fest | Tuesday 5th June | 7.30 pm ‘til Late | The Bank Bar and Brasserie

Do you froth travelling, adventures and good times but feel like it’s just too much of a hassle to organize your life? Well, the Study Abroad Network is here to help! SAN Fest is a night for you to get out and meet like-minded people who want to/have explored the world. We are here to give you the chance to integrate and socialise with exchange students, local Waikato students, the SAN family, and any street stragglers. There will be a range of free nibbles and subsidised drinks so make sure you come down and take advantage!

Fieldays 2018 | 13th - 16th June | Mystery Creek

From the latest agricultural technology and ground-breaking innovations to shopping, competitions, demonstrations, live shows, and tasty food prepared by some of New Zealand’s top chefs, there’s something for everyone. An ideal opportunity to earn some extra cash on the side. Businesses will be starting to look for staff fairly soon, jump on Student Job Search, Trademe, Seek, and keep an eye out on Facebook to get amongst.

Volleyball trials

We are looking for male and female students to compete for the University of Waikato at the National Tertiary Volleyball Championships in July. Trials will be held from 7 am - 9 am on 15 and 22 May at UniRec. Contact uowsport@waikato.ac.nz for more info.

Planting trees in Rototuna

A group of Rototuna High School students is looking for volunteers to plant trees for a community day on 5 August. If you are interested in volunteering, email allisondowns@rhs.school.nz.

Fieldays Scholarship open now

Applications close on Tuesday 8 May for the NZ Agricultural Fieldays Sir Don Llewellyn Scholarship worth up to $22,000. This scholarship is funded by the New Zealand National Fieldays Society Inc and assists masters/doctoral students to undertake research, with a focus on the agricultural sector. For more info, visit https://bit.ly/2vZsTWc

MAIL ORDER BRIDES

TO INCUR 15% GST

ALEXANDER NEBESKY

Online purchases under $400 will have added GST from October 2019 following an announcement from Small Business and Revenue Minister Stuart Nash last Tuesday. New Zealanders will be charged GST on online purchase under $400 where previously only those above that threshold were subject to extra costs. Online retailers will be expected to include GST in their prices for those shopping from New Zealand, and it will be the responsibility of the business to pay the GST tax. ‘If you’re buying something on Amazon, it will be Amazon’s responsibility to pay tax on that’ stated Nash at the conference held in a local bookstore in Wellington. ‘And in turn, buyers of these goods will no longer pay Customs tariffs or border security and biosecurity fees. This will simplify compliance and administration costs at the border,’ ‘Prices on some products may drop, if you buy a pair of sneakers or a jacket for $200, you pay import duty on that, you pay GST, and then you pay processing fees, so you’ll actually pay less.’ The Government allege that collecting GST on low-value items is fairer than the current system, which allows overseas retailers to be exempt from the 15% GST tax on all of their sales, consequently making online retail that much more affordable than brick and mortar shops in New Zealand. The symbolism of holding the press conference in a bookstore reinforced these claims. Digital retail has hit print and music industries hardest, and the Government’s plans aim to protect local retailers. Surprisingly, this appears to be one of the more bipartisan moves of the new government as Bill English’s government heavily discussed similar initiatives. National MPs like David Bennett are torn

between the free market and local retail. ‘The principle of GST on major purchases online should apply but the issue becomes at what price point are the compliance costs more than the Government would earn from the tax. I think the threshold could have been reduced but the price pressure point comes into play,’ Bennett said. ‘I think there will be limited impact on purchasing online as most people do it for a particular product they want and I don’t see this changing that approach’. Of course, there is one part where Bennett is in lockstep with the rest of National. There has already been some pushback from those who see the change as another example of the Labour Party making an about-face on their campaign promise of no new taxes, especially off the back of new fuel taxes nationwide, more significantly within Auckland City, that could see Aucklanders paying 11.5 cents per litre. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has denied accusations that the change in GST laws constitutes a new tax. ‘How is GST a new tax? These purchases have always been eligible for GST, they’ve always had it applicable, it just hasn’t been collected. No one would argue GST is a new tax. I really refute that. GST has been around for a number of years. We’re just making sure we’re improving the collection of certain goods that have been exempt because of collection issues.’ Finally, because curiosity got the best of us, we asked David Bennett about the online orders he makes that this tax will impact. He responded, ‘mainly sports clothes from the relevant clubs website’. Which is funny because we assumed it was largely bulk orders of bucket hats and pens. We briefly considered asking Jamie Strange what he would purchase online, but we realised that whatever the answer was, it would be terrifying. 5

Nexus perused the usual student watering holes and confronted a few unfortunate souls with paparazzi-like questions to find out what they think about the proposed increase of GST for online purchases. 1. 2. 3. 4.

What do you like to buy online? Do you support a move to charge GST on low value online purchases? Why/Why not Do you consider the move a u-turn on the ‘no new taxes’ pledge Labour made during the campaign? Do you think this will affect your own online shopping?

1. 2.

Daniel, BMS

Mainly clothes, real cheap fake glasses, games. I never go to a store to buy clothes. It’s definitely good if its cheaper. It’s pretty shit. To be honest, I didn’t vote last year and didn’t look at any policies whatsoever. I definitely won’t be able to add as much to my cart as I do now.

Tim, BMS

Fresh gear. Yeah, I’m a fan— more tax. Well, I’ll reconsider and say I’m not a big fan. Well, [the Government] has given a lot, so what goes around comes around. I don’t shop too much online, but it won’t make too much of a difference.

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Navi, PoliSci Computers and stuff. It’s good for the Government to get more to spend on stuff we need, but on the other hand, it’s more money when you’re poor and studying. I don’t think it counts that much, but it doesn’t seem like what they promised. I don’t like it. It’s going to affect everyone, and me quite a bit when I’m buying laptops and things.

Juliette, BCS I like to buy clothes online because there are far more options available. No, I’d prefer the price stayed as it is. Not technically. No, not if I really, really want it!

Alexander Nebesky, Warrior for Peace At a recent rally for the tangerine who wished on a star and became president, supporters consistently broke into “Nobel” chants. With the suggestion that either Donald Trump win the Nobel Peace Prize or that a woman named Nobel will be the next porn star to sue him. It is unnerving that these supporters (who likely complained when the suggestion the Queen should be honoured) believe that Trump is responsible for the end of the Korean War. So far, Trump’s involvement has been cyberbullying Kim Jong-Un and likely suggesting something so stupid that both Koreas agreed to sort it themselves. It does raise two interesting points though: If talking about Korea a few weeks before they ended the war is enough to claim responsibility for it then Nexus is officially nominating our News Chief Alex Nebesky and Dr Reuben Steff for their feature ‘Korea: The Worst Possible Outcome’ which was in Issue 7. If Donald Trump is just responsible for things he happened to be near at the time then shouldn’t we be talking about how he was in downtown New York on September 11th 2001?

On the Lowe Meet laddish everyman and recovering Palmerston North local Spencer Lowe. He’s a Comms Student, a senior executive of the Waikato Management School Students’ Association, and a man who is most comfortable with a beverage in hand. On top of all these things, Spencer is also a newly appointed director of the WSU, following international student Hannah Strauss’ resignation weeks ago. Apart from a winning smile and what we understand to be a habitually dangerous coffee habit, here’s what we can tell you about Spencer. Sitting down with him, we got an abiding sense of someone who genuinely wants to make a difference. He also has a track record of hard work having decided to leave Palmy to teach English in Thailand. Thailand, wel-known for having a human rights record only slightly better than Palmy, was enough to motivate him to come back and get his degree eventually. A mad rugby league enthusiast, Spencer would love to see more participation in sports and will work on a number of those initiatives outside of his portfolio of representation. Welcome to WSU, Spencer.

• 6 – The number of months the construction of SkyCity’s New Zealand International Convention Centre will be delayed. • 80 – The age of an Australian man who will be receiving a commendation for bravery after restraining a man who was assaulting a woman in his neighbourhood. • 80 – The typical lifespan of a house in New Zealand. • 1/3 – The fraction of extremely rare tororaro shrubs allegedly destroyed in a land-clearance process undertaken by a Canterbury farmer. • 15,000 – The amount of tickets given away for Rotorua’s Mudtopia. Out of a total 16,500 available, only 1,500 were purchased. • >40,000,000 – The number of times Fortnite has been downloaded since its release last July.

Oculus Go RRP – $199 (USD)

The Oculus Go is a mobile headset; a selfcontained virtual reality that doesn’t require a smartphone. Without the need for cables or your phone, this is a perfect entry-level product for those interested in the intriguing, yet depressing, world of virtual reality. Why should you buy this? • Chances are if you’re reading this, you’ve got some interest in technology and quirky gadgets. This is about as trendy as tech gets without verging into ‘drone’ territory. Why shouldn’t you buy this? • You could just spend all night on Reddit and still feel as guilty about who you are as a person.

• Ashley Judd has sued Harvey Weinstein for sabotaging her career after she refused his sexual advances some 20 years ago. Judd claims that Weinstein attempted to have her watch him shower and let him massage her. Any money awarded to Judd as a result of the lawsuit will be donated to a charity dealing with sexual assault. • Parents in New Zealand are demanding proof that experimental classrooms work before their children are taught under the new methods. Parent Kia King voiced her concerns about the selfdirected learning model used by the school her 8-year-old son is enrolled in. She claims it has resulted in increased stress and a detachment from other students through a reliance on laptops.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) Hamilton Gardens: You are the embodiment of small town living. The main attraction and universally beloved by the rest of the town but just ignorant enough to think you are so special that people from the outside should pay for the privilege of being in your shadow.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) The wooden fences along Cambridge Road: Every three years you get a little too talkative about your political leanings. I think it’s time we had a talk about your relationship with bald men in bucket hats.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) The Fairfield Bridge: Besides your luscious curves and tendency to let bogans do what they wish with you, the most defining aspect of your personality is how congested you become between the hours of 4 – 6pm.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) The Militia Redoubt on the corner of Memorial Drive and Anzac Parade: You might be vitally important to the success of your peers but it’s time to face the facts, you’re boring, a little geeky, and the only way you will ever be at a cool party is as someone’s plus one.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) Hamilton Lake: Sadly, nobody can enter you without becoming mildly diseased. Nevertheless, you’re a magnet for middle-aged women in activewear and children being attacked by geese.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) The Hillcrest side of the Student Suburbs: Wait, you live where? Oh.. that’s a shame. We probably would’ve been mates but I guess society has already excluded you from ever being relevant.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Hamilton Zoo: You’re notorious for your big personality. Sadly, people stopped wanting to associate with you after that last time you ripped someone to shreds.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Thirsty Liquor: You may have passed your peak but you’re still adored by the masses. You may not be the first port of call when looking for a good time but you’re still a close second. Restock your fucking chillers.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) The Cathedral of the Blessed Virgin Mary on Grey Street: You’re larger than you should be but that’s ok. Age is just a number; virginity is just a concept. Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22) Hamilton District Court and High Court: You may not fit in with everyone, but at least delinquents, aristocrats, and bored mums with DUIs feel right at home with you.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) Riff Raff statue toilets: Absolute filth. People only care for you when they’re drunk, lonely, and need someone to deal with all their shit. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) Duck Island: Everybody loves you – at least to your face. We probably shouldn’t say anything but some guy called Ben told us about what you did with Jerry last weekend... You’re better than that. 9

Crush of the Week: The Grim Reaper

What’s Hot:

With the likes of Johnny Danger, Avicii, and Verne Troyer (best known for playing Mini-Me from Austin Powers) all transitioning to the upper room in the last couple weeks, we can’t help but think the ol’ Grim Reaper is absolutely pulling in the best squad right now. We mourn them, but even more importantly, we’re jealous of the sick antics that must be going on in the afterlife right now.

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Wearing your trendy Huffer Classic Down Vest (RRP $299) during another crisp morning in the Tron™

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The forest at Gate 2b

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The old fedora man who’s always in Static

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Not seeing your picture in Snapped even though it’s been screenshotted

Clickbait Moodboard: Theme: Tutorials nobody asked for.

What’s Not: •

The lack of gay bars between Auckland and Wellington

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The week-long hangover from a two week bender

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Not appreciating the absolute slammers on Taylor Swift’s 2006 selftitled album

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Having to beg people to fill out some shitbox survey for an assignment

TOP 10: Biggest Cliches of ‘Snapped’ Narcissist Shares yet Another ‘On This Day’ Facebook Memory with Trashy Caption

“Oh my gosh! How funny is this!?”, Harper Fitzgerald, 19, BCS, proudly shares her year old status ‘In need of wine ASAP ’ topped off with the expertly-crafted additional “Nothing ever changes ”.

Looming Mushroom Season Increases Frequency of Scenic Walks by 70 Percent

Psychoactive enthusiasts have begun taking interest in the environment as fungal growths continue to flourish. “This mixture of humidity and decrease in temperature has done wonders for getting students out and about!”.

Meme Tagging Recognised as Most Accurate Indicator for Sexual Interaction Among Peers

It’s fair to say we receive a moderate shitload of snaps each week. Sadly, the majority fall victim to the same old, overused cliches. Take notes. If you want a better chance of being featured then it’s probably best to avoid the following. 1.

“When (you/something) (does something/ something happens)” – Each and every time we receive a snap which starts with “When”, a bag of straws is dumped into a nearby waterway. 2. “Wtf Nexus I just found a typo, I should be the editor” – Fuckin’ alrighty then, pop on in! We’re always looking for passive aggressive shitbags to join our lovely team of sub editors. 3. A lecture slide involving either a meme or a slightly sexual word – You’re better than that. 4. Photos of Moodle which highlight how long you’ve got until your next assignment is due, or how long overdue your last one is. 5. “Omg I’m so poooor” – If you’re complaining about it on Snapchat, chances are you’re just doing it for the ‘student aesthetic’ while Mum and Dad wait for the next time you ask to ‘borrow’ a little more. 6. Snaps about a previously screenshotted snaps being not included in Snapped – Either you just missed the cut, or it was subpar and we took a screenshot so you’d feel a little special. 7. “Haha yeah student life” 8. Photos of a Momento coffee with the caption “Motivation at an all time low, really need this to get me through.” 9. People sleeping in class – It’s been done, it’ll be done again, and it’ll forever be sent through again. 10. Big throbbing cocks – It’s cool that you’re self-confident, but we really don’t need daily updates on each and every erection.

“Yeah I saw that he tagged her in one of those ‘remind someone to drink water’ posts so he must be pretty desperate”. “Apparently she tagged her ex in a ‘@G owes you Maccas’ so they’re probably back together.” 11

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Alamut

Agents of Mayhem

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ALAMUT – BY VLADIMIR BARTOL REVIEW: SCOTT CARROLL

AGENTS OF MAYHEM – VOLITION REVIEW: CONOR MAXWELL

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Written in 1938, Bartol dedicated this book to Benito Mussolini, and with good reason: Alamut tells the story of two young Persians caught up in the Ismaili sect of Shi’ite Islamists during the early 12th Century. Halima, a girl ‘purchased’ to become a Houri for the Ismaili leader Hassan-i Sabbah, finds herself immersed in the sect’s schemes of seduction and drug-induced mysticism to brainwash naïve young men into joining the extremist faction and their cause against the Seljuk Empire in Persia. The other young Persian, Tahir, is drawn towards the Ismaili fortress of Alamut, where he finds his life changing under the tutelage of the Ismailis and Hassan-I Sabbah’s cult of personality. The book was originally written in Slovene so the translated copy obviously does not reflect the original. That said, his prose is simple, and I think it suffers for it. Writing punctually in a novel created to ‘make a point’ can be effective, as we have seen with Orwell’s dystopian masterpieces. However, Bartol attempts to weave political ideology through the scope of an orientalist’s rendition of medieval Persia, which creates what can only be described as an uncanny tone: an exotic setting filtered through banal imagery, plot-driven characters meant only to justify Sabbah’s utopian ideals, and broken sense of spirituality one would not normally find in the medieval Islamic world. Nonetheless, Alamut is still an interesting read, if not for its dystopian satire then more for its distinctly Slovene portrayal of a culture far removed from its own. 12

Agents of Mayhem can be best described as part The Expendables, part G.I. Joe; all high-octane action. The game was developed by Volition, the team behind the successful Saints Row series, and while it is mostly unconnected to said franchise, it takes place in the same world as Saints Row IV spinoff Gat out of Hell. An evil organisation called Legion have taken over the world, and the Agents of Mayhem are humanity’s last chance at taking the world back. Players choose a rotating team of three agents from a pool of fifteen diverse characters, and battle their way through hordes of enemies in downtown Seoul, South Korea. Agents of Mayhem is best enjoyed as a separate entity to Saints Row. The goofy humour, cheesy villains and straightforward narrative don’t hold a candle to the other games in the wider franchise, but there is something charming about the art style and ‘80s cartoon aesthetic that this game has to offer. The combat mechanics are very slick, and it’ll take a long time to get bored of the run-and-gun gameplay, particularly when the large roster of characters provides so many play styles to choose from. Any game that lets you blow up nuclear warheads as a roller derby vixen with a minigun is okay in my books.

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Battered Bruised & Bloody

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Album B&B – POST MALONE The sonic embodiment of the warmth in your blanket on a cold, gloomy winter morning. Shit slaps.

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BATTERED BRUISED & BLOODY – CARNAGE REVIEW: CJ LEE

It’s been a while since Carnage released his full length album, Papi Gordo, in 2015. Meanwhile, Carnage has just been dropping singles and EPs here and there featuring the likes of G-Eazy, Young Thug and Lil Yachty. Battered Bruised & Bloody starts off with one of my least favourite tracks, ‘Headlock’ featuring Killy. The song just sounds like the rapper and the instrumental are going in two completely different directions musically. The album progressively gets busier with tracks like ‘i Shyne’ featuring Lil Pump, and ‘Up Nxw’ featuring Scarlxrd. The middle section of the album takes a surprising turn into a psytrance track ‘MOROKOMBA!’ and a house track, ‘Plur Genocide’, that features Steve Aoki. Both of these tracks, in my opinion, sound out of place in the album. The second half of the album goes into a more chill and melodic vibe with tracks like ‘Overtime’ featuring KYLE, and ‘Bed Bugs’, featuring Yung Pinch and Takeoff of MIGOS. Despite being known for his high energy tracks, Carnage’s chill and vibe tracks are not bad at all. Safe to say, this is my favourite part of the album.

Single LIFT YOURSELF – KANYE WEST Groundbreaking. The truest example of modern artists disestablishing restrictive walls.

Film MOTHER! – DARREN ARONOFSKY Relentless. Definitely not advisable for anyone with a naturally anxious disposition. Makes you feel ill.

Single DARK SPRING - BEACH HOUSE A progression which makes sense for Beach House, but would’ve been better off kept as a deep cut.

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POLSC211-18A Political Systems Around the World Tests were handed back at the start of class, and I was in a state of pure anxiety for the first ten minutes, feeling watched and just praying these shrewd political minds wouldn’t interrogate me as to my presence in the rather intimate lecture. But, ladies and gents, I was not, thank goodness. The lecture was about elections, voters, and political parties. Our professor had a strong American accent and spoke in a very avid, suave kind of way that made the topics sound more interesting than the stark reality of my boredom. Elections are the most important element in a modern democracy, he reckoned, and then made a slight rip on Aussies as he mentioned that a ‘secret ballot’ is also known as an ‘Australian ballot’ (like they stuff the voting box?). I thought this topic would be a lot more straightforward than it was – I was kinda following, but all the lingo was confusing AF. Something about pluralities, proportional representation, coalitions, blah blah. I’m literally the last person to get super keen on this stuff. However, it was rather amusing when he proclaimed “you’re watching the destruction of a lecture,” head in hands, imploring someone to answer his question. I think the science lecturers I’ve got have learned not to try anymore. I did learn that Brazilian presidential candidates are extremely dodgy, everyone thinks NZ’s voting system is super complicated and weird, and that not voting can = jail time in some countries like Brazil and Aussie. The more you know, eh?

Essential Dad-Core ARCHIE PORTER Once again, the aux cord has been passed on to a new custodian. If you’re middle-aged and stuck in the body of a youth, you may find something enjoyable here. Kicking things off with explosive punkrock, then smoothly transitioning into glitzy ‘80s pop, and concluding with some soulful ‘70s funk, this small collection of older tracks provides some much-needed colour amid the humdrum gloom of university life. I call it: ‘essential dad-core’. 1. ‘NEW ROSE’ BY THE DAMNED: ‘New Rose’ marks an important point in British musical history, as it was the first ever punk single released by a UK band. Subsequently, the band’s debut album, Damned Damned Damned, was also the first punk album released by a British band. This track is a smoking piece of music and, when compared to a lot of punk music, is surprisingly refreshing. Rather than taking political jabs or making social commentaries, all The Damned wanted to do is rock; and that they do. 2. ‘START!’ BY THE JAM: Perhaps I should’ve put this track first, given the name. The Jam are one of my favourite bands, and ‘Start!’ stands as some of their best work. This was the lead single from their fifth album, Sound Affects, and is an absolute banger if I may say so. With its funky bass riff taking heavy influence from The Beatles’ Revolver, and its eerily melancholy lyrics, this track perfectly encapsulates everything that made The Jam special. Give it a peep, or don’t—it’s up to you. 16

3. ‘SPEAK LIKE A CHILD’ BY THE STYLE COUNCIL:

The Style Council marked front-man Paul Weller’s newfound musical endeavour; switching his style from the angry, youthful rock of The Jam into groovy, somewhat-cheesy pop songs. The band were unfortunately overlooked by many people, disregarding them as pretentious and corny, but I think there’s a lot more to them than that. ‘Speak Like A Child’ was their debut single and is a great place to start if you’re new to the band. If you’re in the mood for some upbeat, jazz/soul-influenced, lovey-dovey ‘80s pop, look no further. 4. ‘I WANT YOU’ BY MARVIN GAYE: Marvin Gaye has produced countless classics, but I think ‘I Want You’ is definitely a personal favourite. Marking the first song from his fourteenth album, it’s both befuddling and impressive that Gaye was able to produce music of such a high caliber so far into his career. The song came as a large shift in terms of Gaye’s musical direction, leaning more towards funky, disco-soul, yet it heavily expanded upon his previous explorations of sexuality and love. The track is an absolute classic and, for my money, is one of the sexiest songs ever recorded. 100% worth your time—check it out.

Land of the Long, Wide Board CAMERON MCROBIE It’s a crisp morning on campus, 8:50 am to be precise. Students of all varieties—dirty, bearded engineers in jandals through to delicate law students in freshly dry-cleaned suits—make their way to class. The one breed, however, that is consistent with every degree is the RPM wrapped, Polo-capped, Huffer-vest dressed longboarder. These creatures can be spotted cruising toward the bus bay during this time in what can loosely be generalised as fleets of flat-footed fellas. Longboarding, more commonly known as skating-for-cunts-whocan’t-kickflip, originated some ten years after skateboarding came to fruition, in the 1950s. What was initially a means for the cool cat surfers to bring their wave-honed skills to dry land, by customising a skateboard with a long, thick bit of ply, longboarding quickly became a sport in its own right. After hibernating as a strictly underground sport through the ‘70s and ‘80s, longboarding slid into the mainstream in the ‘90s with what I can only imagine was a big ol’ obnoxious skkrtskrttt noise – similar to the one the boards in question make when the back wheels kick out on a corner. Longboarding gained momentum again during the late noughties (the ‘00s) when the Internet enabled enthusiasts to communicate with each other – allowing them to meet up in newly

minted ‘burbs with nice hills and fresh hot-mix tar seal so they could “shred the gnar” in that odd looking tucked position – hands behind arse. As a competitive sport, it encompasses four different disciplines, mainly because I personally can’t justify “cruising” as competition-worthy. The styles of longboarding are; freeride, downhill, dancing, and travel. Freeride involves sliding (sideways - not the direction the wheels are supposed to turn, smh), grabs and other tricks that would usually be associated with skateboarding – but at medium to high speeds down a hill. Downhill, however, loses the unnecessary trickery bullshit and adds about 100kph. In this insane version, riders race each other down long hills, with typically quite a few hazards and corners, in skinsuits – in excess of 128kph. Personally, I like my bones in one piece – but to each their own. Dancing is a resurrection of old boarding tricks; pioneered from the boardwalk in surfing. Much like its nonwheeled counterpart, it still involves a plethora of walking, spinning and jumping moves. Finally, travel is more or less self-explanatory – essentially a marathon where the rider pushes themselves in classic one leg style for ridiculous distances. The classic longboard vs skateboard clash really just goes to show, it ain’t the size of ya stick – it’s how you use it. 17

Seven Wines at Nine We’ve all heard the nonsense about wine having “lovely viscosity on the mid-palate” or possessing “approachable fruit-forward with notes of vanilla” and had no idea what the fuck that plummy shit means. As students, we forgo the bullshit jargon and opt instead for the bottle with the highest percentage and the lowest dollar value. So out with the uppity, well-informed wine reviews, and in with the borderlineincompetent Nexus version. We’re sampling a few (a.k.a whatever we found unopened in the fridge) to inform you which cheap ones taste the least like ass, are most likely to get you fucked up, and are less expensive than one semi-decent glass at a mid-priced restaurant. These reviews are fairly bullshit as half of our esteemed judges didn’t actually like wine as you can probably tell by the low scores, but anywho, let’s get on with it. Disclaimer: consuming seven bottles of wine at 6 pm between five people may cause symptoms of giddiness, embarrassing Snapchat stories, and unforeseen declarations of love. However, you are guaranteed a stellar night. 18

Jacob’s Creek Moscato Rosé Sparkling 8.4% (5 STANDARD DRINKS – NEGATIVE) $10

Apparently the non-sparkling is better, but this one legit tasted like grape juice, with a sweetness that instantly brings one to reminisce of past summers. Doesn’t taste alcoholic at all with “a very subtle wine flavour.” However, not the best choice for getting sloshed as it lacks in alcohol percentage. The packaging and colour were v pretty. Apparently it would “go well with chicken nuggets after town,” although I’m not sure where that came from as I’m not in the habit of bringing my rosé to Macca’s at 3 am on Sunday mornings. RATING: 7.5/10

Crafters Union Sauvignon Blanc 12% (2.4 STANDARD DRINKS IN ONE 250ML CAN – PRETTY GOOD) $6.99 EA

“Ugh these are awful” was the first comment made, as well as it tasting “peachy” with a bad aftertaste that was rather “heavy” in the back of your throat. It’s not the best sauv out there and fairly pricey if you have more than a can or two. Granted, we were pretty sloshed by now.

Taylor’s Merlot 14% (8.3 STANDARD DRINKS – V GOOD) $12

Alcohol-wise, this is one of the highest standards per bottle. It was a last minute entry from a judge’s mum. You’d describe this one as fairly dry. Wasn’t a crowd favourite as several judges started screaming and gagging after the first sip. Creative descriptions included “it tastes like fire”, “fuck that”, and “that’s spicy shit”. RATING: 2/10

RATING: 3.5/10

Crafters Union Rosé 13% (2.6 STANDARD DRINKS IN ONE 250ML CAN – V GOOD) $6.99 EA

We had such high hopes for this one. These new incredible “wine in a can” inventions are convenient and also super pretty-looking. However, this one divided the judges. The general consensus was that “it’s not a girly rosé, it’s a mum’s rosé,” and possibly better suited to the more experienced wine drinker as it was a stronger option that wasn’t super sweet. I didn’t mind it, but definitely not the best rosé out there. RATING: 4/10

Jacob’s Creek Sparkling Sauvignon Blanc 10.3% (6.6 STANDARDS – AVERAGE) $1 1.99

Pleasant, fairly easy drinking due to its mildness–almost like sparkling water but a bit winey-er and would do well with a strawberry or two. Pretty fizzy, a choice for “a day at the races rather than a night at the outback” - if you were doing the races pretty scantily. Not a great catch-up option because the fizziness would make you feel bloated AF and probably throw up. RATING: 5/10

Dashwood Pinot Gris

Whitecliff Pinot Gris

13% (7.7 STANDARD DRINKS – GOOD) $9.99

12%

Little tanginess, not bad, an excellent beverage to compliment any food choice—we paired it with a pepperoni pizza. Not one you’d guzzle down to get trashed, except judge #3, she would. She also provided a tip: drink the neck of any pinot gris down and dilute with lemonade to be able to scull it faster. Apparently “it smells like cheap wine.”

(7.1

STANDARD

DRINKS

–

PRETTY

GOOD) $7.99

I don’t know why but apparently this “smells like a bit of scroggin,” which goes to show our judgement panel was a little worse for wear by now. It was unanimously judged as “not too bad,” and even our non-wine drinkers quite enjoyed it. Great value for the price, too. RATING: 7/10

RATING: 6/10

To be honest, you’ve got to do your own research and tastings; sample a few and find a favourite. Lindauer will forever be my go-to. Also, everyone on this wine review panel went to private school, so do you really trust us privileged fuckers to tell you what cheap wine to drink? 19

VINCENT OWEN (AKA THAT BITCH) 22

There is a specific breed of human-shaped pest festering on university grounds. Some religions would say these parasites reside among regular folk because they’ve committed disgusting atrocities in a past life. Instead of being reincarnated as cockroaches, they suffer the pangs of being design students. They aren’t capable of being respectable young adults who do human, humesque and/or humanular things – think law student wearing a turtleneck. Being the virus they are, design students would lead you to believe that design is a “talent” possessed by those who work tirelessly at their craft. They’ll try to internally justify the thousands of dollars they’ve been putting in Quigley’s back pocket by suggesting that “management students don’t know the first thing about fonts.” To designers, this is an insult which equates to suggesting that one is a rancid, illiterate, puss-infected piece of sludge on the pavement. Designers often come across as cold or pretentious but do not take their insults or cold demeanour to heart. This attitude derives from a place of pain; the desperate desire for approval from their design peers. They must do this while also suffering embarrassment over the career path they have chosen to endeavour. At a social gathering, imagine the discomfort induced by having to admit that your job in life is arranging images and text in Adobe software. Not selecting which image. Not writing the text. Simply arranging it on a grid, most likely designed by someone higher in the ranks. Picture your friend Monica – the quick falter and then rigid reaffirmation of her fake smile, as she digests the new information that the smell of fresh printing kinda turns you on. She knows now that you mentally refer to your favourite colours as #6F0FFF and #ED1A3B. She thinks that you probably went to the effort of uninstalling the system fonts on your laptop because you “won’t need those suckers” for the type of bootless errands you’ll be working on. She’s even starting to wonder if you’re the type of designer who used the outcome of a fifty-minute Photoshop tutorial to upload a fake double exposure photograph as your Facebook profile picture. The sad reality of studying and working in design is one that I am far too familiar with. Over the five years I have spent at the Waikato campus, my job has turned me into a shell of a human being. Every waking second is spent thinking about fonts, images, colours and filters. My neighbours have begun to feel distressed—most nights I wake in a cold sweat and let out a deathly scream, “GUTENBEEEEEEERG!”

On the bright side, the horrors of my own experience as a designer can now be utilised to provide you with more than a few tips on how to design your way through university. Do yourself a favour; heed my instructions. The advice I am about to give you should prevent any need for you to consider a design paper elective. You aren’t going to be the next David Carson (because I am, bitch), but you’ll hopefully get your Bachelor of Business Analysis with an above-average design aesthetic to ease your lecturer’s eyes.

Picking a Font for Your Essay

Font selection for essays and assignments can be difficult. It could be compared to picking which drink you’re gonna fuck with on a night out, except most of the drinks at the bar are toxic. The cocktail menu is greasy, you can’t see in the dim lighting, and when you think you’ve ordered a gin and tonic, the G&T you’ve mistakenly selected is gasoline and tar. Microsoft and Apple are both guilty of chucking some heinous fonts into the mix when selecting their automatic system fonts. If you’re working in Google Docs, it’s just as bad. It seems that the very recent history of computer tech has set up a peculiar trend—every font list must be primarily made up of shitty fonts. Monstrosities like Lobster, Permanent Marker and Amatic SC feel like slight jokes from the team at Google so that they can be a part of the stupid font fun in Silicon Valley.

HOT TIP: When a library printer doesn’t respond to you, stand at the front of the line and literally do nothing. Don’t ask for help, and don’t take the initiative to check the paper tray or ink status. The printer is shy, and if you’re quiet enough it will think you aren’t there.

But how important is a font? Designers spend a lot of time thinking not about what text says, but what it looks like. In fact, designers get so used to focusing on the latter that they mistakenly believe that it takes sole priority. It’s true that the font you select can impact the mood of the subject matter. Formal essays should be set in formal font choices. But there’s a limit to their influence; Mein Kampf would have still been morally evil, even if Hitler set it in Curlz. Font selection is a superficial finishing touch to your work, and it doesn’t rewrite what you’re trying to say. It does, however, set an initial impression.

HOT TIP: Setting your type any larger than 9pt suggests that you’re intensely visually impaired. If you do this, your marker will feel as if they have been sharply punched in the upper breast or crotch, due to the violently large letters that are practically leaping out from the page.

What Your Font Choice Says About You

Times New Roman

Arial

• •

•

“What is font?” “Okay… what is a font, then?” “You can change that? Why would you want to change it?” “I mean I guess it looks different, but why better? It’s just not what I’m used to.”

• •

•

Comic Sans •

•

No longer satisfied wby orgasms, creates memes instead. Very specific gif search terms on Messenger. Laugh sounds like a dial-up modem ringtone.

Currently rocking a “Save charter schools!” profile picture frame. Age: 34 Occupation: Member of Parliament, AKA Disco Dave. Feels most comfortable when diversity isn’t a discussion point. Possesses far too much knowledge about the life of Ryan Seacrest.

Calibri • • • •

Passionate about Dua Lipa’s Snapchat updates. “I’m not creative, I don’t know how to do this stuff.” Still unable to use “brought” and “bought” correctly. Over their Kmart phase, but pop in frequently to keep tabs on the price of dipped jars.

Courier New •

•

Sleeps with a copy of The Communist Manifesto under their pillow. Ends emails with “Please consider the environment before printing this email” and a scanned copy of their signature. Asks “Is that cedarwood?” if they can detect their friend’s perfume.

Jokerman •

•

t_HE wEAthER in AR_EE_ZO_NA is FINE… WITH (cloudy) SPELLS!!! pLEasE keeeeep y;o;u;r HANDS & FEET (in)side [THE] VEHICLE WOOOOOOAH wAtCh oUUt!!! ThAt’s a TEA-rex on THE hor-EYE-zon! Clinically depressed.

HOT TIP: If you adjust the kerning in your type (that’s the space between two letters), you’ve instantly done enough work to graduate with a Bachelor of Design from the University of Waikato. Make sure to give a firm handshake to the Rt Hon James Bolger on my behalf!

In other words, don’t use any of these fonts. If you want to convince your lecturer that you’re a design swine, and you’re not restricted by the font and type settings you have to use, step outside the box. If you fancy a modern sans-serif font, use either Gotham Narrow, Graphik, Circular, or Brown. If traditional-looking serif fonts are more your flavour, experiment with Minion Pro or Constantia. Some of these cost far too much money, but as a resourceful young adult there’s no excuse for not getting your hands on good fonts. Some final notes; “tracking” is what we designers call the overall letter spacing in a paragraph. You’ll perhaps notice that in this magazine, some tracking is tighter, and some is larger. That is to prevent what we call “rivers”; long vertical paths that can appear in justified text. “Kerning” is the spacing between individual letters, you don’t have to adjust this very often unless it’s in a significant title, and the font you’re working with isn’t expensive enough. “Leading” is the fancy word for line spacing, which comes from the days when lead strips would be used in printing presses to increase the spacing between lines. It takes a while to figure out what good tracking, kerning, justification and leading looks like. Sometimes the best solution is to view a page at a distance. See if your text produces the same overall grey colour across the page. If gaps appear, or sections look darker than others, try adjusting the type settings to even it out.

How to Slideshow

My approach to designing a slideshow is drastically affected by the fact that I despise Microsoft PowerPoint. Keynote isn’t much better. So, my advice is always to KISS. Keep it simple, stupid. The cleaner a presentation is, the more time the audience can spend focussing on you. A slideshow isn’t a distraction, and the craft of design shouldn’t be method that you employ to take away as much attention from yourself as possible. A single colour background, very minimal points, and single image slides can do wonders for the overall aesthetic of your slideshow.

DID YOU KNOW: The Ancient Egyptians often used the font Papyrus for most of their tomb paintings, mainly as subtitles for the archaeologists who they assumed would visit thousands of years in the future, because they knew they wouldn’t be able to read hieroglyphics.

DID YOU KNOW: The coining of the name for Microsoft PowerPoint was extremely influential on the English dictionary. Because it sounded so snappy, we finally managed to dissect it and come up with words for that strong electrical thing we’ve always had, and the jabby finger motion we do.

FACT: APA standards require you to reference any sound effect you include in a Powerpoint. This is because they’re so cool, they’re bound to give the lecturer assessing you a fizzle in their loins, and knock your grade up. Crediting the sound effect for its drastic impact on your final grade is essential. 25

Ranking Ten Objects Solely on Their Design

DID YOU KNOW: It has been scientifically proven that using Impact will increase the weight of an A4 piece of paper by 20 grams, because it’s so big, blocky and powerful, dude.

Mastercard Rebrand: It takes a lot of cahoonas to brand such a function-focussed company with this level of minimalism.

Aston Martin DB5: James Bond drove this car, and oh boy, can we rely on straight, white, cisgender men to define what’s cool!

Vox.com motion graphics: A yellow bar wiping across sans-serif text has never been so satisfying and informative.

Patrick Gower’s facial structure: We’d call this a happy accident. The panache of his asymmetricality really captivates Newshub viewers.

Snapchat: Once a huge innovation in the app market, but rapidly falling in the ranks. It just looks like a shit version of all the features that Instagram has stolen from it.

Westboro Baptist Church picket signs: Very legible, great contrast, questionable colour choices. It’s a damn shame about the content.

Nokia 3310: We’re yet to see a wall built of these beepy boopy bricks, but it’s coming.

Map of the World: Such ugly, strange forms and shapes. No straight lines, doesn’t stick to the grid.

Eggs: Hens can’t even get them circular.

10. Salient Magazine circa 2017: To be fair, we could have chosen any year of Salient from the ‘70s onwards. But the fact that it makes this year’s Salient look like an actual magazine is enough for 2017 to make this list.

Bisexuality JENNIE-LOUISE KENDRICK Angelina Jolie, David Bowie, and Billie Joe Armstrong have more in common than just eyeliner. They are all celebrities that are openly bisexual. Many animals exhibit bisexual behaviours, such as orca and bonobos. Young male giraffes will often rub necks with each other to assert dominance, not unlike two “vers” dudes on Grindr, and then, full of homo-erotic hormones, they will court and boink. In 2014, 14,000 people were interviewed about their sexual orientation for the New Zealand Attitudes and Values Study. In a sample size similar to Oamaru, only 1.8% self-identified as bisexual and 0.6% as bicurious - roughly 336 interviewees floating in the gayhetero barrier. However, this seems too small. Considering it is a survey allowing people to self-identify and New Zealand society is incredibly heteronormative, the results may be skewed. If we lived in an environment where a man/woman cisgender relationship wasn’t the norm then perhaps people would be more willing to open themselves up to sexual exploration than the exclusive straights only present in fairy tales like Gloriavale. However, sexuality is a fluid scale; less black and white than the government would have you believe. Alfred, “the father of the sexual revolution” Kinsey’s scale of 0-6, of “no homo” to “full homo”, is the 1948 version of a gay-dar and works on the premise that everyone is at least a little gay. That snog with a handsome humanoid at a party may be enough for you to identify as, what Kinsey called, “predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual”. He also believed that “bisexual” was an inappropriate term and believed anyone from 1 to 5 was more akin to her-

maphroditism, and the X classification to account for asexual participants was only added later. Even with that faulty post-WWII logic, AK48’s primitive understanding of the Heterosexual– homosexual continuum contributes significantly to our understanding of sexual fluidity. Bi-erasure is the concept that bisexuality is ignored, denied and falsified in society. Often, it is referred to as a phase and that a bisexual individual is either homosexual or heterosexual and unwilling or unsure of their sexual orientation. The selfidentification as a bisexual can be viewed as a cop-out and bisexuals are often disregarded as “true” members of LGBT+ communities because of their ability to have heterosexual relationships. Bisexual womxn are also subject to hypervisibility, and declaring your sexual orientation to any redblooded dudebro will prove it. Our sexuality becomes the property of the male gaze as if we exist to fulfil the female-on-female fantasy for men that see us as more-easily-obtained lesbians. Using a dating app as a bisexual woman is hella annoying as half your matches seem to think that because you like both sexes, you must want to diddle with them and their de facto fiddler. Bisexuality is not a phase or a signal that you’re inherently open for a sexual buffet. To disregard or argue a person’s sexual or romantic persuasion makes you an asshole. However, it must also be said that bisexual womxn are unequivocally better accepted in society than their counterparts. It must also be noted that women of colour, womxn, women of faith, and differently-abled women also experience sexuality and bisexuality differently. Intersectional feminism, am I riiiiight???

BOON PETER DORNAUF A minute silence for the demise of two semiabstract Huia birds that used to grace the façade of the Meteor Theatre, Victoria Street side. We grew to love you over the years. Now you are gone, like the real, extinct ones, yesterday’s spectacle, past their used-by date, painted over like so much unwanted graffiti. We’ll miss you. In 500 years time when some Hamilton art historian does a little excavation work on the wall, will it be like the restorers working on a 15th-century castle in Milan and discovering a lost da Vinci mural under 20 layers of whitewash? Probably not. The Meteor building itself will have long disappeared. That’s the New Zealand way. Trash it. Our mural has been replaced by a new one, brand spanking new, the paint hardly dry. It’s all courtesy of something called BOON; a Street Art Festival held each year for the past three years in Hamilton, where street artists are invited to paint the town red, or yellow or pink or a lighter shade of blue and tones in between. First, it was the CBD, then Hamilton East, now it’s the turn of Frankton. Check out Kent Street where half a dozen brush wielding artisans were hard at work recently doing their stuff. While you are there, pop into Agora café on Kent and view an exhibition of these same artists’ paintings, all of which are for sale. Some of the murals work better than others, I have to say, but the most spectacular site/sight would have to be the work of Auckland based duo, Charles 28

and Janine Williams, who are tackling what is perhaps the largest space for a mural in New Zealand at 39 meters wide and 15 high. Seriously big. It overlooks the new Victoria on the Rover Park. While I was watching, the shape of an eagle with outstretched wings could clearly be seen. Impressive. From there I made my way south down to ArtsPost to check out the exhibition of local artist, Rachel Hope Peary. Her show, THIS IS HOW IT FEELS ON THE INSIDE, employs a range of arresting abstract notations. “Walking with My Eyes Closed” is a large, ambitious piece that demonstrates her complete control of the medium. The other end of town at Soul Gallery, Barton Street, you must see the sassy works of Candy Clarke. Anyone who can include the banal text of a telephone conversation in a painting has my vote. Yeah, Nah.

ZINEFEST

With Zinefest just around the corner, we had a quick chat with key committee member Aaron Christiansen who gave us the rundown on this year’s festivities, who to look out for, and what to expect. For those who don’t know, what is a “Zine”? Zines are self-published magazines with a small print run and can be in the form of comics, fanzines, diary blogs, art projects, poetry, photo studies, etc. Examples of the variety of topics found in Zines can be seen from previous best of fest winners, including Object Da Da - a taxonomy of found things, Boi Racer/Everyone drives a used car - first car memoirs, Tok-photo - essay on Tokoroa and its youth, The log Blog - Poo Stories, The Lonesome Voyager - A guide to isolated settlements in the Arctic. NEXUS: How sizeable is the Hamilton Zine community? AC: At least two-thirds of stall holders are local Hamilton Zinemakers with the rest made up from around the country; Auckland, Wellington, and Tauranga amongst others. NEXUS: Have you seen a lot of growth in these events over the years? AC: This year will be Hamilton’s fifth Zinefest held on the 12th of May from 10 am - 3 pm. Having outgrown our prior venue at Creative Waikato, we’ve made the leap to The Meteor, and with around 60 stallholders this will be Hamilton’s biggest Zinefest yet. NEXUS: Are Zines a millennial thing? AC: From what I`ve seen, Zines have an appeal over a large spectrum and encompass creatives over a wide range of ages. There have been people that have produced independently prior to Zinefests becoming established across the country, a number of schools also run Zine workshops and the library now has a dedicated Zine section showcasing older and younger talent. NEXUS: Can Hamilton really put on a good show of talent? AC: This year’s line up of guest speakers includes Keeli McCarthy who will be giving a talk about her work as a designer and editor with Fantagraphics books (US), Ross Murray, a designer and comic artist from the Mount, will be talking about art, anxiety and arrested NEXUS: AC:

development, Zee Southcombe will be talking about her book publishing and Zine making experiences, and Tim Danko will be sharing his experiences running the Mapura studio which provides a creative environment for people living with disabilities, and diversity. There’s also a collaborative Zine making workshop, kids’ activities run on the day and an after party from 8 pm at The Meteor with cult musicians Labretta Suede, Johnny Moondog and Hamilton band the Contenders. NEXUS: What kind of people create Zines? Do you have to be a good artist? AC: Zinemakers tend to be putting a little piece of themselves out there for the public in an unedited way. A collection of Zines is a way to delve a little into what people are thinking, feeling, commenting on or feel is important to them at the current given time through a variety of different means: art, illustration, writing, poetry, comics and more. NEXUS: What makes a good Zine? AC: I think it all comes down to personal preference; in my view, something that can make me laugh, see something from a different perspective and leave me with something to think about after reading it ticks all the boxes. Some favourites to check out would include Wark travel Diaries, comics’ reviews on gigs by Brent Willis, Bryce Galloway’s Incredibly Hot sex with hideous people - Teen Diary issues (Bryce’s diary entries from circa 1984 in Hamilton), Ross Murray’s Cosmic Dust, Indira Neville’s Nice Gravy, poet David Merritt’s recycled copy free Poetry, and Sarah Laing’s Clueless. NEXUS: Why should we get into Zines? AC: To check out the variety of New Zealand artists/writers and creators who aren’t necessarily working in the mainstream within Hamilton and throughout the country. 5TH HAMILTON ZINEFEST AT THE METEOR 12TH MAY 10 AM - 3 PM AFTER PARTY FROM 8 PM AT THE METEOR

Breaking Up Online Any romcom worth its weight in gold tissues has a very public break-up scene. With a blubbering dumpee and shocked onlookers, it doesn’t strike me as a particularly enjoyable piece of emotional performance art. Of course, why restrict your to-beex-lover’s tears for the exclusive witness of strangers? Why not dump them in front of their friends and family? Or just one-on-one so you can experience their discontent in person. Or you could dump them via the electronic communication device of your choosing and spare them the embarrassment of crying and/or snotting in front of other people. Apparently, up to three-quarters of us have broken off a relationship via text, email, instant message, or phone call. The smartest choice would be to send your love resignation in the evening as the chances they will be working or in public are lower than hitting them with a sad face emoji at noon. Some would make the argument that it’s more noble or respectful to do it in person, but as someone who has thoroughly researched this phenomenon, it is in my experience that not having to see the person dumping you after the fact is far superior. Conversation, no matter how rehearsed the dumper 30

is, can be blunted by the other person’s ability to interrupt or sway its conciseness with empathy. The privilege of being able to lay down notice of romantic departure without the recipient being able to, often unknowingly, soften or mislead is reserved for the linear communication of text. Your meaning is not distorted by the instantaneous nature of speech and you cannot say something meaner than you intended. Your message will be permanent, there is no misunderstanding of what you mean. A simple “it is ovr betwn us!! :(((“ tells them everything they need to know. Perhaps you feel compelled to give some reasoning, and if you share mutual friends or chance seeing each other again, then giving context would be preferable. You don’t wanna be too much of a dick. Oh, and avoid the cliches - it’s not you, it’s them because clearly you wish to get rid of them.

Being a Decent Person It’s a bit sad that we even have to discuss this because let’s face it, humans are arses. But c’mon guys, if you had the energy in the first place to pursue this person/momentarily join your lives (and probably your genitalia) together, surely you owe them more than a Joe Jonas send-off (a.k.a, a complete cop out). I understand it’s scary, literally no one enjoys doing it, and you don’t want to hurt their feelings and cause a scene – or hey, maybe you do if they’re a soul-sucking bastard – but seriously, if you’re going to rip their heart out at least show them the decency of letting them see that sweet face of yours one last time. It can be as short as five to ten minutes if you really want, just rip that plaster off, babe. Take a page out of my book and have your friends parked out of sight around the corner to whip you away for an ice cream once it’s done. If you do it by literally any means other than in person, it leaves room for interpretation. Like “yeah, I got that break-up text, but I mean it was just a message in the spur of the moment and we were arguing so it’s not real, or maybe someone even stole his phone?” or “well he did call me but was that actually his voice? Maybe I called the wrong number, or maybe he was just stressed and he’ll come around?”. Neither of you need that kind of confusion

in yo life, so sit them down, and say it square. Another tip, please don’t do it in the middle of a restaurant, in bed post-coital, or anywhere else that is totally inappropriate. If you do that, you are probably a horrible person. Pick somewhere you can make a quick get away, but also somewhere you can both blubber away without feeling a wee bit judged. Try not to totally rip into them, even if you so sorely want to, and above all, avoid the cliché excuses. In a time where screens are taking over the planet, let’s try and keep a few things sacred. Relationships can’t be lived over the phone; physical connection is just as important as the emotional side. Let the other poor sucker find proper closure by hearing it from you. Texting or calling someone to do the deed is lazy, and downright nasty, and surely they deserve a little better than that – you can bet your name will be dragged through mud as every person your ex knows finds out about the cowardly way you went about it. Put it this way, the way you break up with someone speaks for your character. Do it in the nicest way you can, because karma. To say it straight: don’t be a fucking pussy.

THE COMMUNE It’s not often that you come across four of Hamilton’s most eligible bachelors in such close proximity. While these dashing young men may claim to be more civilised than previous years, it’s still blatantly clear that they’re somewhat cooked at any given moment. As lovers of nature, they take pride in utilising everything it has to offer – treating their bodies as temples by choosing to rather have a wholesome evening of gaming than a ruckus night out. While they may reside on the tamer side, this flat is still undoubtedly another feral conglomerate of Waikato culture.

Ethics and Philosophy aren’t Real Science TROY ANDERSON Now I’m going to be spinning a yarn that may be upsetting to many of you. First things first, it is not possible for life to exist without the total or partial consumption of other life, except in the ‘fuck that for a joke aye’ zone of the food chain right, right, riiiiight at the bottom; the quantum physics realm of the biology world. So what does this mean? It means that a living thing, to remain alive, requires the consumption of nutritional constituents of another living thing. This is the way it has been for billions of years... Or, you know, six thousand odd if you’re not about science and that. However, it was not until human beings became self-aware and the subsequent ethics and morals of our race became a thing, that we began to question which life is wrong to consume? At a very basic level, we are pretty well wired to not care about the lives of bacteria, protozoa, chromista, plants, and fungi that we might happen to kill to get sustenance. On many levels, this is a fairly reasonable feature of the human mind; life from these kingdoms is as different from us as it’s possible to be. But that brings us to the animal kingdom. Consumption in the animal kingdom is a difficult topic to tackle with many angles. However, I’m pretty convinced that we are more adversely emotionally affected by the deaths of animals that we see as being more similar to ourselves, particularly if they appear to portray emotions that we relate to. We, as human beings, are capable of empathy and recognise traits in the environment similar to ourselves. The more similar 34

the trait, the more connected we might feel, and the less inclined we might be to destroy that thing and eat its corpse. Some are of the mind that no animal should have its life taken away from it for our nefarious purposes. I think this is a noble cause, but why do we stop just at animal life? One could argue that animals feel fear and pain like we do. But do plants not feel fear and pain? Not exactly, plants don’t have a central nervous system. However, one could also argue that the distress responses for many plants that detect danger are a form of beauty in their similarity to the emotions of animals. This is particularly evident when we look at oysters and mussels. These particular organisms have been shown not to feel pain at all, as there central nervous system lacks the nuance that some of our more mobile critters have. Somehow, I feel more of an attachment to a patch of grass trying to warn the brothers that the fucking lawnmowers about to rip their shit apart than a shellfish that is all but clueless to the outside world. With that said, I don’t give a fuck, do whatev’s aye, bacon is well tasty.

Let’s Link Up NICOLA SMITH Slight disclaimer: Nexus does not advise hookups involving family friends, potential employers or current employers. Not everyone is on LinkedIn in search of true love, but don’t let that stop you finding your very own, very employable, Prince Charming. Being too boujee and professional for Tinder can make it tough to find a hookup. If your ideal lover is a tradie, single parent, car enthusiast, unemployed, and/or the type who only uploads group photos, then Waikato is a dream come true. But for those looking for a slightly more eligible dating pool, it might be time to revamp that dusty LinkedIn account you only made for a CV. Here’s why professional networking is the hottest trend online dating: 1. SILVER FOXES: No, I’m not talking about the family members you’ll come across, let alone their friends you met at an awkward Christmas party. LinkedIn provides a guilt-free means of connecting with older ages, without the stress of worrying if your age range is too broad. With this pool of mature hunnies at your disposal, that 50 Shades of Grey fantasy quickly becomes more of a reality. Is there anything hotter than a man in a good suit or a woman rocking kitten heels? 2. REAL > FAKE ACCOUNTS : Considering LinkedIn is designed for professional purposes, profile pictures generally give a clear idea of who they are. Future employers and old classmates should be able to identify them at a glance; this means no more hiding in group photos, or blatant editing and just plain

catfishing. Since you’re essentially looking at their CV, it’s pretty clear when someone’s using a fake account. What you see is generally closer to what you get. 3. KEEPING IT PROFESSIONAL: LinkedIn gets to the nitty-gritty of whether or not someone is worthwhile. No more cliche bios about “friends with benefits”, gone are the days of pretending star signs are an accurate guide of anything except bad news, you’ll never read another boring spiel about someone’s subpar hobbies again. Whether you find an assistant accountant, CEO, intern, director, or just a student, chances are they’ve all got a future ahead of them. Professional networking does the hard yards for you, providing the combination of brains and beauty in a simple, free app. 4. MESSAGING: Once you found a possible contender, there’s not only the option to connect with them but the ability to slide into DMs professionally. Flaunt your knowledge of business with pickup lines such as: “I want to pwC you later” or “I’m interested in(tern) you x”. If they don’t connect back, then no harm was done. However, if they do reply this, then you now have both a potential hookup and a chance at worthwhile employment. What more would you want from life than jobs and hunnies side by side?

She’s a local icon, a pillar of campus fashion, and the first port of call for spilling some truthful tea. He’s the boy band lookalike preteen girls worship; some would say he’s the Shawn Mendes of Hamilton, except without the talent. SHE SAID:

HE SAID:

I think the biggest regret I have of the night is not slipping in the sentence that I’m a vegan. At least he could’ve had an opinion about that rather than now assuming I’m an alcoholic. I mean my game plan was to eat prior then just knock back the wines. The date started off rough when I mentioned we had very similar names, like literally guy vs girl version, and he didn’t catch my name nor the joke... yup. He was gorgeous; not in an ‘I want to fuck you’ way, but in a ‘12-year-old me would have a photo of you in a boy band on my wall’ way. Think Harry Styles but with a Spanish accent and much much younger. It was a nice yarn like a good friend catching up, and within five minutes I knew his job, his parents’ divorce story, his goals, about his ex, and everything else in between. I love that he loves himself almost as much as I love a good House sauv. However, I don’t know if I’m just getting old, but I could hear nothing over the music. So I basically just had a drink every time I misheard what he said or just didn’t hear it. This was bad as at the end of the night I was the one slurring my words. In the spirit of nexus blind dates I did somehow formulate a “crash at mine if you want”, alas he already had his friend on the way. A few naughty Snapchats later, I managed to find someone to spend the night with before curling up, messaging all my exes and falling asleep to the sound of my stomach churning. I learnt today that wine is, in fact, the wine I enjoy drinking is not vegan, and I’m very sad, but at least I gave her a good send off.

I arrived at the date first - she was a bit late, but that was fine. At first, I started off a bit nervous, but I’m not sure if she was as nervous as I was because she looked pretty relaxed. Her calm demeanour definitely helped me relax, that and probably the alcohol. When we were ordering, she said she already had dinner beforehand, which I found to be an odd thing to do before a date, and although I didn’t want to be the only one awkwardly eating, I got food anyways. But after a few beers and she had a some wines we quickly eased into conversation, talking about all manner of things from uni to life in general; she was very easy to talk to, and we had a good chat which was great cause there’s nothing worse than awkward silences, although she did keep waving at people she knew and they would come over and talk for ages, which was kind of annoying and she did this a couple of times. Other than that, time definitely seemed to fly as we had the bartenders telling us we had last rounds. We stayed talking till closing thinking we should leave, and we waited outside for our rides home continuing our yarns. Overall I think the date went well; she’s definitely a very nice and interesting person to talk to. Although I can’t say it will go further than that date, I did have a pleasant time.

Brought to you by House on Hood Street. If you’re keen for a Blind Date, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Keen for some free Burgerfuel? Simply snap us the shitfest of your student lifestyle for the chance to win. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve accidentally sent us something you shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have, just email editor@nexusmag.co.nz with all the details. Prizes can be claimed from reception in the SUB (between Unimart and the gym). 39

Puzzles

CODE CRACKER 7

M M

W N

Cast from the 2006 Australian-American teen comedy film Aquamarine, directed by Elizabeth Allen.

Claudia Karvan Bruce Spence Tammin Sursok Roy Billing Julia Blake

EASY SUDOKU

4 6

4 7

1 8

7 7

17 6

20 25

7 21

= 16

(

)×

= 60

(

)−

= 18

DIFFICULT SUDOKU

6 9

ALGE-BRUH

8 4

7 9

3 4

2 7

9 2

2 7

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

7 1

16 6

25 14

8 7

6 1

9 5

MEDIUM SUDOKU

Shaun Micallef Lulu McClatchy Lincoln Lewis Dichen Lachman

THEME:

Sara Paxton Emma Roberts JoJo Jake McDorman Arielle Kebbel

WORDFIND

1 5

1 8

8 6

SIMPLE PUZZLES FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE

Sarah's the one in the middle, and everyone hates her, mainly because Angelina wore the blue shirt first. Jack and Steve have five apples, and Sarah has two apples. Why doesn't Angelina have any apples? How many apples can Jack and Steve sacrifice in the apple war without getting in trouble with John? (not pictured)

CROSSWORD 1

ALGE-BRUH ANSWERS: 8

16 19

17 20

18 22

LAST WEEKâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ANSWERS:

= 12

WORD TWIST

ACROSS:

DOWN:

1. Requested the presence of someone (7) 5. Prominent (5) 8. Closest (7) 9. Compete for something (3) 10. Expressed mirth (7) 11. Scope (5) 12. Started (5) 14. Mentally responsive (5) 19. Inexpensive (5) 21. Imaginary creature (7) 23. Pasture (3) 24. Bulwark (7) 25. Pay out (5) 26. Proposition deducible from basic postulates (7)

1. Models of excellence (6) 2. Speculation (7) 3. Impart skills or knowledge (5) 4. Is afraid of (6) 5. Actual (7) 6. Corvine bird (5) 7. Cricket team (6) 13. Had a lofty goal (7) 15. Adult male chicken (7) 16. Weighing machine (6) 17. Pinnacle (6) 18. Apprise (6) 20. Efface (5) 22. Visual representation (5)