Nexus 2018 Issue 12 by Nexus Magazine

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Editorial FOMO News Easy News Horoscopes Entertainment Reviews Random Audit: ACCTN101 Yam & Troys the Science Boys Calendar Girl Full Exposure: Yeye Weller Centrefold

25. NZ Music Month Pass the Aux Rad Rags for Ladies and Lads The Very Handy and Definitive Guide to Exam Season Wow! An Origami Fortune Teller Auteur House The Crowd Goes Mild Page 31 Waikatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Flats Page 32 Full Exposure: Biobird Page 34 Double Blind Date Page 36 Snapped Page 39 Puzzles Page 40

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Issue 12, 28th May - 1st June 2018 Editor: Lyam Buchanan editor@nexusmag.co.nz Design: Vincent Owen design@nexusmag.co.nz Managing Editor: James Raffan james@wsu.org.nz Deputy Editor: Grace Mitchell grace@nexusmag.co.nz News Editor: Alexander Nebesky alex@nexusmag.co.nz

Contributors: Kim Sare, Kaitlin Stewart, Troy Anderson, Scott Carroll, Jared Ipsen, Richard Swainson, Cameron McRobie, Rory Davis, Antonia Carter, CJ Lee, Robert Third, Paora Manuel, Emily Reid, Jamie Foley, Nicola Smith, and the tenants of 123 Whynancheese Lane. Cover Illustration: Yeye Weller Instagram: @yeyeweller Centrefold: Luke Pownall Instagram: @lukepownall Online: blog.lukepownall.com

Sub Editor: Jennie-Louise Kendrick jen@nexusmag.co.nz

Horoscope Illustrations: Josh Nelson Instagram: @joshprobably Twitter: @joshDrawbably

Reviews Editor: Archie Porter reviews@nexusmag.co.nz

Video Intern: Isaac Wohlers Podcast Editor: Caleb Bird

There’s a Big Ol’ Rat Lab on Campus and They Don’t Want You to Know I took the bait. I entered university with the mindset that if you weren’t going into STEM, you were studying something you enjoyed, and whatever you enjoyed was less than likely to result in employment. Funnily enough, I was completely fucking wrong. With the exception of the engineering students who don’t actually drop out, your chances of employment within STEM are nonexistent, or the job you end up with will be wholeheartedly soul-crushing. What this has left me with is an unjustified hatred for the faculty I’ve been too stubborn to leave. As a result, I’ve ended up focusing more on ways to push back against the shitfest of science, rather than distancing myself in search of personal fulfilment. About eight months ago, I got the tip-off that would define my career in student media. Definitive proof of a, seemingly undisclosed, rat lab on campus. While I have no reason to believe anything they do is unethical, the idea of the unknown still makes for a solid headline and an equally flawless conspiracy. To clarify, I have nothing against their research. It’s more the fact that I hate my degree, and that the majority of people hate animal testing. Therefore, by enlightening the masses to the animal testing occurring adjacent to my degree, I’ll hopefully reach some form of catharsis. However, as more time passes, the lack of transparency surrounding the research in this lab becomes more apparent. For one, nobody that you’d expect to know about it actually does. Countless academics, students, lecturers, and even lab technicians have been questioned but to no avail. Only when it’s brought up with course convenors, certain non-teaching academic staff, and faculty administration that I’d receive a response other than ‘fuck off, there’s no rat lab’. Instead, I’d be informed that ‘the University isn’t hiding anything’ and that whoever I was talking to was ‘not able to comment on this right now’. What’s started as an angsty act of defiance has quickly become a hunt for transparency and justice. So with that in mind, I’d like to ask the outgoing Dean of Science Chad Hewitt, along with anyone else who knows juicy animal researchrelated goss, to flick me an email or pop in for a chat. Once and for all, let’s rat out the truth.

– Lyam 1

Te Waiora Cultural Hour

Are you a Tauira Māori? Are you keen to connect with the like-minded? Are you looking at finding a sense of belonging on campus? Well, look no further because we have the whānau for you... Te Waiora o te Whare Wānanga o Waikato! Every week, we come together during cultural hour to engage in energisers, sing waiata and celebrate being Māori. No matter your story. This week we are fortunate enough to have a kaikōrero: Waimirirangi Koopu-Stone. Wai is a member of ‘He Kuaka Mārangaranga’ who recently travelled to the United Nations with The Moko Foundation. Additionally, she is a champion of environmental issues and started a social movement called Pipiri ki a Papatuānuku. So come along if you’re keen to be get woke, get involved, and sing some waiata. See you at The Rūnanga Room, A1.01, 1 - 2 pm, this Wednesday.

Win a $100 grocery voucher

To celebrate Samoan Language Week, the Library has a $100 grocery voucher up for grabs! Come in and check out the display on Level 2 of the Student Centre, then complete a short quiz to enter the draw to win. Entries close 11 am this Friday. Check out the full details at waikato.ac.nz/library under News & Events.

Need some new sportswear?

Kukri, the official apparel partner of the Waikato Rugby Union, is having a massive clearance sale on the Hamilton campus this Wednesday 30 May from 11 am - 2 pm in the former ANZ branch on the Village Green. All stock is extremely discounted (mostly selling for $10 - $30) and includes everything from rugby jerseys, hoodies, t-shirts, and lots of other Kukri-branded sportswear.

The Don: your local

The Don bar, next to the tennis courts on the Hamilton campus, will continue operating as a cash bar for staff and students on Thursdays from 5 pm, and on Fridays now from 4 pm.

Earn some extra cash

The University of Waikato’s Experimental Economics Lab (WEEL) is looking for students to take part in behavioural research. You can earn between $18 and $20 an hour, depending on results. Register online to receive invitations to participate in specific experiment sessions. For more information, visit wms-stage.mngt.waikato.ac.nz/orsee/public/

Concept design competition: win a trip to South Korea

Weta Workshop’s Gwangmyeong Concept Design Competition is back for 2018 – enter to win a trip to South Korea with Weta Workshop CEO Richard Taylor. Open to all students, the GCDC calls for entrants to imagine a fantastical land on an unknown planet, bearing some resemblance to Earth in the late Middle Ages. The winner will also receive a Cintiq Pro 13, worth $1600! For more information, visit http://gcdc.co.nz/

NEWS

Pathway to Nowhere ALEXANDER NEBESKY

A new proposal from Senior Deputy ViceChancellor, Alister Jones, would see Waikato Pathway College contracted out to a private provider which is already representing a number of other universities. A letter sent by the Office of the Vice-Chancellor on the 7th February 2018 details an arrangement to have ‘as many college staff as possible hired as subcontractors by the asyet-unnamed private provider.’ A provision will also stipulate those subcontractors are to have ‘no less favourable terms and conditions in aggregate than their existing terms and conditions’. Thelettercontinues,‘Myreasons for proposing this development are… the pre-degree market is extremely competitive especially for programmes that pathway to university… The University’s current reach and resources simply will not let enable us to develop the global profile to compete in the pre-degree international student recruitment market’. ‘I realise that you [University staff] have already experienced significant change during the last year and the news I am suggesting further change at this time may come as a considerable surprise to you’. Reaction by the TEU to the proposal has been predictably frosty, with a response emphatically stating: ‘TEU has consulted with

its members at Pathway College, and it is our considered view that the benefits of contracting out the functions of Waikato Pathway College are unsubstantiated and untested… the College provides an excellent service… Why put this at risk for unrealised and untested benefits using a thirdparty provider with a multiplicity of University clients.’ An alternative suggestion put forward by the TEU in their response to the proposal concludes that the marketing and international student recruiting be transferred to a thirdparty provider and the teaching staff retained under contract with the University. ‘It would demonstrate the University’s commitment to act in good faith with staff and be a good employer.‘ Last, but by no means least, it would also allow (or push) your preferred provider to actually demonstrate the benefits they say they will deliver to the University, its students and your staff’. At the time of print, Nexus is unaware of any firm commitment or deadline for the provision of Pathway services by a third party.

NEWS

Vaginas, Poor People, and Other Things We Need to Silence Nexus Magazine is calling for the immediate withdrawal of offensive issues of Critic Magazine and the sacking of Editor Joel MacManus who has been in the role for a semester and should know better than to think before he does things. At a hastily-assembled press conference, Nexus Editor Lyam Buchanan called for MacManus to step down from his position fearing that if he didn’t “The University of Otago may become a place of learning and debate.” “Look, we have all received the same reports, and it turns out that a lot of people have vaginas. But unlike Critic, we don’t want to raise awareness to it or point out that there is a link between health and poverty.” “If Critic keeps talking about women’s issues, this will only lead to them wanting to vote and be paid 73 cents to the dollar—you mark our words.” “It is baffling for us to think that he and his team spent hours meticulously researching, calling, and even talking to people about an issue. You wouldn’t catch Mike Hosking or Duncan Garner doing that nonsense.” “We stand firmly with the Proctor here. There are over 20,000 students in Otago, which means up to four old, white men could have seen that cover. Did we think about how it would impact them?”

The real shame is that this sort of smut ruined what could have been the first nice issue of Critic, featuring articles like Dunedin’s cheapest alcohol, how to repair a relationship with your

father over drinks and sports, and a Shark Week feature which we didn’t read but assume it has something to do with how watching carnivores makes you hard. Je suis Critic.

NEWS

Grading: The Waikato Students’ Union It’s the end of Semester A, which means more meaningless grades on an academic transcript that no employer looks at (unless you’re an FSEN student). For those of you about to be acknowledged for putting in the mahi, it’s a great feeling and one you have earned. For the rest of us, it’s a reflective analysis looking at every assignment, every idea, and thinking “Could I have done better? Could I have turned that D into a C?” Since we don’t have exams next week, we decided to turn our introspective gaze on our parent organisation, asking “What grade would the WSU get this semester? Could they have done better?” To ensure we aren’t just making shit up, we’ve provided you with the WSU’s own four categories: Clubs and Engagement; Support and Advocacy; Student Experience; and Student Voice. Each will be given a summary of highlights, things that need to be improved in B Semester, as well as a letter grade. Since we don’t want to completely screw things up—or just inject it with opinions—we’ve also provided an event list and a ‘WSU by the Numbers’ section. 6

Clubs/Engagement

If you are a part of our clubs and roopu network, you will already know the effort the team put in to ensure your club functions seamlessly. Along with the always popular ‘Clubs Day’, the WSU has awarded over $5,000 to a variety of groups and activities this semester—which almost makes joining a club sound like a decent idea. With over 50 affiliated clubs, there is something for everyone; no matter how weird, or quirky, you might be. The WSU has also heavily invested in wsu.org.nz and is working on grant systems, budgeting, and other online tools in Semester B. • Grade: A • What we want to see: More clubs, more engagement… just MORE.

Student Voice

In no single area has the WSU done more this semester than Student Voice. They’ve spent the year lobbying for more campus services, cheaper food, activated spaces for Tauranga students, reviewing the charge on the student health centre, reclaiming student spaces in Hamilton, and consulting on issues like student levies. They’ve also laid the platform to make student welfare bigger in B Semester, with initiatives like Fry Bread Friday, Wā Cups, and the weekly ‘President’s Address’. Amazingly, they also seem to be on track to break the record for fewest director resignations, with only Hannah Strauss leaving. Mental health awareness has also been a focus, particularly for Candra, Elliott, and Nathan; something we will likely see even more emphasis on in B Semester. • Grade: A (but raising to an A+ if we get a student bar).

NEWS

WSU in Numbers Student Support and Student Experience This team is responsible for Advocacy the countless sausage sizzles, the It has been a big start to the year for Student Support and Advocacy. Unfortunately, it’s a service that prides itself on confidentiality, so we can’t tell you each story about students stuck in unsafe rentals, or the food they provided for students who choose between transport and eating every week when the StudyLink payment runs out. They couldn’t even tell us about the multiple times Nexus Editor Lyam Buchanan almost got expelled for disciplinary violations (though these campfire tales are mainly the stuff of legend). Instead, they were instrumental in Open Day and Ori18 engagement, along with a student-generated Wellness Week that featured, among other things, proactive conversations about mental health. They also added a third staff member, but we can’t tell if “needing extra staff for student support and advocacy” is a positive or just the result of a pretty dire situation for most students. • Grade: A • What we want to see: More promotion of services in Study Week to help with exam stress, and puppies that are actually puppies.

occasional pancakes, all the free tea and coffee at Level Zero, and a pretty successful Ori18. That alone would usually be enough to guarantee an A, but according to Jamie Pentecost, Director in charge of Morrinsville relations, and writing proposals, “We could have better fruit selections, a vegetarian option, and Sachi at the Don’ for a free piss up.” So apparently we could do better. • Grade: B• What we want to see: Does anyone have Sachi’s number? So that’s it for the WSU. Arguably one of the better semesters they’ve had. To celebrate, the WSU is launching F*ckin’ A. This Friday, there’ll be discounted drinks at the Don’, open to all students from 5 pm. Along with live acts, DJs, and possibly even some WSU Directors playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ in an attempt to seem relatable.

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WSU by the Numbers ~4650 sausages have been given away $5000 given to clubs via grants in Semester A 2000+ surveys filled out during our Conversation Stations 21 visits to Tauranga 12 Conversation Stations 6 Student Voice / Class Rep training sessions 8 Board Meetings 6 Senior Leadership Team Meetings 3 University Council Meetings attended 58 affiliated, or partially affiliated, clubs $1,000 spent on free tea, coffee, and milo in Level Zero 17 social event bookings containing alcohol 28 times the vans were hired 45 minutes, on average, how late Kendrah is to work each day $1,647,014 earned by students in the Waikato through Student Job Search. Topics talked about during our Conversation Stations include; Panopto, Sports, Student Levy, Mental Health, and Tauranga Campus. 7

• 2737 – The number of dollars in parking fees a mystery car has accrued after being abandoned at Waikato Hospital for the last year. • 136,000 – The salary offered by a UK family to any nanny willing to deal with their shitty kids. 18 days annual leave, free live-in accommodation. • 61 – The number in years Peter and Ruth Bedford were married before they both died on the same day, a mere 9 hours apart. Love is real. • 13 – The number of times an Otago police officer tasered a goat near Oamaru in 2016. He will not face charges.

Microsoft Surface Hub 2 RRP: TBC

Pretty much one big ol’ interactive whiteboard. The new Surface Hub 2 features a 50.5 inch display with a greater than 4K resolution, along with almost non-existent bezels. While it’s not something you’d invest in for personal use, if you ended up with one of these in your office at a grad role, you’d definitely feel somewhat important. Why should you buy this? • You shouldn’t. Unless you’re a fancy business owner/architect/corporate fetishist. Why shouldn’t you buy this? • You shouldn’t. Your fancy business owner/ architect/corporate fetishist employer should.

• New Zealand has been recognised as one of the hardest countries to invade, our isolation proving to be the greatest deterrent according to Swedish military analysts. • Nanoparticles derived from tea leaves have been found to inhibit the growth of lung cancer cells, destroying up to 80%. • Astronomers have discovered a monster black hole the size of 20 billion suns. It has been referred to as a ‘monster’ which eats the mass equivalent of our sun every 48 hours.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) Mars is significantly out of alignment with Venus, and even with that as an excuse, it still isn’t ok to send pictures of your genitals to people you work with. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Venus is in retrograde, which means that after 12 weeks of reading these, you probably should have figured out horoscopes aren’t exactly guidelines by which to abide. Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Jupiter is prominent in your orbit. Be brave, be mighty, plaster those passiveaggressive ‘it would be cool if you could...’ Post-It notes over the doors of those who did you wrong. Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) An affair ignites as your lust for Sagittarius reaches an all new low. While public displays of affection are romantic in theory, you tend to get a little too close to indecent exposure. Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22) Rest easy and know that now is a time for peace. Be thoughtful and dedicate your time to study, and your consciousness to love. If that fails, hit up a science student; they know where to get all the Adderall. Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) Mercury proves a distracting influence at the worst possible time. When you should be focusing on cramming 11 weeks of missed lectures into a week of study, you find yourself instead wondering things like ‘If “fridge” is short for “refrigerator” then why does it have a D?’

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Love is in the air. Well, not ‘love’, more the musky stench of post self-coitus bliss. You understand that your flatmate likes to masturbate but why he chooses to do it prolifically in the shared shower will forever remain a mystery. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) The light of a small galaxy shines brightest just for you, even after months of law and management students saying ‘you wouldn’t understand’. Well, you’re a FASS student, and you have NO EXAMS so shine brightly, little star. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) It’s time you focus on your selfpublishing career. Find a reputable news outlet and push your own agenda. Reap the rewards of your soapbox-based fame. Who said the media is biased? Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) A breach in Saturn’s atmosphere leaves you anxious and ashamed. There’s no doubt you were far too forward the last time you saw them; it’s probably best to avoid their significant other for a few weeks. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) Greed runs rich through the veins of the weak. Chances are you haven’t had a rough week, and there’s absolutely no need to treat yourself each and every evening. Control your urges. Your body will thank you for it. Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) Tension heightens through the final evenings of May. A thoughtful gesture is taken as a personal attack, leaving your peers to ponder why you’re such a bitch. 9

Crush of the Week: The White House Sinkhole Just as America is increasingly mired in the bog that is the Trump administration, the north lawn of the White House now sports an increasingly large sinkhole. While scientists have put this sudden ground orifice down to Washington DC being built on reclaimed swamp land, we believe that this is Mother Nature laying a trap for Trump. Allegedly, any climate change denier who falls prey to this cenote lands face-first in Tartarus. RIP Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, you will not be missed.

Clickbait Moodboard: Theme: Pushing the queer agenda.

What’s Hot: •

Spark hooking you up with free Netflix when your ex remotely logs you out

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David Bennett (pens)

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Knowing that your dog will still love you no matter how shit a group assignment member you are

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Receiving drunk Snapchats

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High schoolers at Open Day complaining that Women and Gender Studies are sexist

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When your exboyfriend stops paying his Netflix and you realise you’ll have to find another one

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Youtubers reminding you that they’re “back again with another video”

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Sending drunk Snapchats

TOP 10:

Captions for Your Study Week and/or Post Exam Grams Lack of Participation, Effort, and Motivation Highlighted in Final Week of Semester

‘Honestly, I haven’t even been to class for the past seven weeks. Guess I’ve got a bit to catch up on this weekend haha’. Local delinquent admits they’ve wholeheartedly dropped the ball once again. ‘Wait, so we don’t even have class next week?’

Controversial Issue of Student Magazine Given the Go Ahead by University

‘We feel it is important for Student Media to continue to push boundaries and accurately reflect the student zeitgeist,’ said the Proctor. ‘If we ever had a problem with content, we’d simply talk to the magazine editor like an adult would’.

Macbook Polish Sells out in Lead up to Study Week

‘To sit along the glass walls of Level 2 or 3 in the Library, you have to look as if you belong’ Private School Alumni, @itsjess, provides a rundown of the perfect “study week” aesthetic. ‘Firstly, get your nails done, then add coffee, highlighted notes, and a spotless laptop…’

Let us take a load off. While it’s important to dedicate the next few weeks to academia, it’s equally as important to share how studious you are with your online following. Here’s a flawless list of captions to make each and every post a little more seamless. 1.

‘The end of this week officially marks the halfway point of my University journey. I’m proud of myself and I’m not ashamed to say it #studying #proud #cutegirl’ 2. ‘ ’: future anthropologists will decipher these postmodern hieroglyphs and realise the original poster lacked creativity and the ability to communicate with sentience. 3. ‘@momento coffee is the only thing getting me thru rite now’: it’s almost as if TEACH100 requires sub-par spelling and choices to pass. 4. ‘Going to #gym during #studyweek to keep my mind fresh & clear’: PR major aspires to feature in multicultural gym-based advertising one day by using her Level 3 NCEA-equivalent knowledge to get in with UniRec receptionists. 5. ‘Dear the extremely rude person talking on Level 3, some of us are actually here to better ourselves and go somewhere in life. Kind regards xx’ 6. ‘Stay hungry stay humble never stop never giving up, , Romans 11:36, #onthegrind #riseandgrind.’ 7. ‘My degree is really hard and I have to study all the time, I study engineering and there is lots of work involved this exam period. Wish i had an easy degree :(‘ 8. ‘I’m ANGERY about SOMETHING in HOW do I STUDY WHen People are LITERALLY_____________ (fill in issue nobody else gives a shit about).’ 9. ‘So glad to have (@friend) in my life helping me through (@class) exam period! Time to hit the (@wines), and we will DEFINITELY still be friends even after this paper is over!’ 10. ‘Tourism is a real degree’: posted by someone who should have hit up Sir George Seymour.

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Echoes in Blue

Dying Inside

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ECHOES IN BLUE – CITY CALM DOWN REVIEW: ARCHIE PORTER

DYING INSIDE – BY ROBERT SILVERBERG REVIEW: SCOTT CARROLL

Melbourne-based alternative pop/rock band City Calm Down have returned with their second album, Echoes In Blue. Following their 2015 debut, In A Restless House, this record demonstrates a strong progression in nearly every aspect of the band’s craftsmanship: the songwriting, production, instrumentation, and general atmosphere of Echoes In Blue is utterly absorbing and, at times, truly mesmerizing. Opening with delicately smooth, effervescent synths on the excellent ‘Joan, I’m Disappearing’, the record casts its immediate spell on the listener with surprising and abrupt lyrics, “It turned to shit on April 18th”, atop the gentle instrumentation. It is not long until City Calm Down exercise their masterful capability at pulling the rug from under the listener; teasing and surprising the audience in exciting and engaging ways. Tracks such as ‘In This Modern Land’ and the titular ‘Echoes In Blue’ almost bear resemblance to something by New Order, while others such as ‘Decision Fatigue’ and ‘Blood’ demonstrate the band’s excellency in crafting densely textured yet accessible alternative music. At its beating heart resides Jack Bourke’s incredible vocals, perhaps the strongest aspect of the record. The album feels both deeply intimate and grandiose; effortlessly blending troubling and personal songwriting with spacious and expansive soundscapes. More than just a collection of songs, the band wisely crafts a concept album that tells a singular journey of love, grief, and redemption, making Echoes In Blue an extremely compelling and rewarding journey that rarely misses a beat. 12

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Don’t be deceived, this isn’t the kind of joyless, soul-rending exercise you might expect from a novel titled Dying Inside. It’s a rather overlooked work from acclaimed science-fiction author Robert Silverberg. It tells the story of David Selig, a cynical and almost misanthropic man who can delve deep into the minds of others, but quickly finds that his unique gift grows weaker by the day. The term ‘sci-fi’ is used loosely in the context of this novel—similar to other speculative fiction pieces like Flowers For Algernon or V.A.L.I.S—the book opts to use its central MacGuffin to explore the protagonist and their development as a human being. This is the strongest aspect of Dying Inside, and I dare say unlike Charlie or Horselover Fat, David Selig stands out distinctly as a character: we cringe at his despicable outlooks, his pathetic behavior, and his feeble will. Each day his power wanes, twisting him further inside. It’s an enjoyable fall, as Selig isn’t a nice man, and his vile sense of humour only complements the karma he receives. Dying Inside is Robert Silverberg at his best: shrewd, conniving, tiring, cynical, funny, and melancholic. I really think it deserves to be propped alongside the classics of character-driven speculative sci-fi.

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Single ‘BLACK PAINT’ – DEATH GRIPS

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Reminiscent of Jenny Death’s heavier moments.

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This is the ideal gadget for your tiny halls room, or shoddy student flat. Beyond that, it’s only appealing to tech savvy parents on an impulse buy. The HP AMP is a printer/speaker hybrid; utilising Bluetooth and app integration to minimise the need for physical connectivity. Its goal is to make your life easier, and unlike most printers, it seems to follow through. The accompanying HP Smart app takes away the hassle of printing. As long as you’ve got an internet connection, your arguably subpar assignments are less than two taps away. In terms of print quality, it’s just what you’d expect; nothing fancy, nothing shocking. However, the built-in speaker is actually somewhat decent. It may not be capable of carrying a ruckus pre-drinks, or have the portability of UE Boom but as far as generic bluetooth speakers go, it definitely holds its own. All in all, no complaints. What may have seemed somewhat gimmicky turned out fairly useful, and the ability to print documents straight from your phone definitely eases the process of handing in physical assignments.

Album IVORY – GIN WIGMORE Everything you expected, and less.

TV Show MINDHUNTER – SEASON 1 Forget the relationship storyline, I want more of Kemper’s mommy issues.

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Single MIRACLE – CHVRCHES Generic, forgettable, underwhelming. music. doc

ACCTN101-18A Accounting for Management I went into this seriously hoping to receive some newfound budgeting advice or something to help me out with the fact I have $1.59 currently in my account. So I kind of set the lecture up for failure right off the bat – because let’s face it, no one can help my newfound online shopping addiction (unless they decide to give me more money) – and just scrolled through the recent Lorna Jane sale the whole time instead. I did feel slightly weird about it knowing there were future accountants probably judging me. Anyway, oh yeah, the lecture. So the title was very fascinating: Accounting Control Techniques: Introduction to Planning and Control – Standard Costs. You ever find yourself just daydreaming about standard costs? Me too. Apparently standard costs mean how we measure what we’ve done compared to how we thought we were going to perform. In human speak, let’s define that as a financial equivalent to the disappointment felt on that last test mark which you thought you had under control. You didn’t. Or when you pulled an all night on that last lab report, and actually got a mean grade when you expected failure. Did I just crack accounting lingo right there, or did I? Yeah, nah. So the lecturer talked at a million miles an hour, explaining the value of labour, overheads, direct materials and other business-y speak. The discussion on target working standards sounded borderline inspirational as she told us that working at 100% efficiency is ideal, but unrealistic, whereas the attainable standard of way less than 100% is way more realistic. That people are able to strive for higher performance targets if they’re attainable, but if not, they’ll give up, which very accurately describes my current feels (the giving up part, that is). Then there was some calculating shit that I tuned out for, thank the lord above that I pulled my head in enough to give up my initial plan back in first year of studying business. I legitimately couldn’t think of any worse career than being an accountant (no offence, accountants). I think the guy who was clearly watching a movie on his laptop probably had the exact same thought. The equations on material variance or whatever finally came to an end, and as they transitioned to going over stuff for a test the following week, I saw my exit window. I may be imagining things, but I’m fairly sure I heard the lecturer call me out by saying “I wouldn’t leave…” and mumbling something about ensuring not to cheat, directly and pointedly aimed at yours truly, as I attempted to make my stealthy escape. That was slightly embarrassing at the time. Who’s embarrassed now, huh Jackie??* *(still me). 15

Psilocybin and how to Witness Jehovah TROY ANDERSON It’s getting to that time of year; things are starting to get colder, folks are beginning to care less about what they wear to lectures and groups of strange dudes can be seen loitering around various gardens being not at all suspicious. That’s right, children; this one is about good old magic mushrooms. Many anthropologists agree that the human race has been tripping major ballsack since all the way back in the day. There are a great many prehistoric cave paintings across the globe that would suggest quite a number of our ancient ancestors were partial to a few mushies. So what are they all about? Some 200 different mushroom types contain the psychedelic compound psilocybin. A few of these can be found in our very own Hamilton, which might explain the continued existence of the Headmaster’s House on River Road etc... Psilocybin, when ingested, is converted by our bodies into psilocin which is highly active in the prefrontal cortex. This is where the magic happens. Closed eye hallucinations of all kinds of wild geometric shapes and vivid colours and shit like that are very common. Yes, that is actually a thing. Suggestibility is dramatically increased, meaning that individuals are far more susceptible consciously and unconsciously to cues from their surroundings. The adoption of more primitive or ‘childlike’ thinking is also prominent. For example, folks might become frustrated or confused at someone checking the time, referring to the time, or otherwise drawing attention 16

to the passage of time. No doubt these arbitrary human constructs no longer seem to make any sense. Next week? What the fuck does that even mean, dude? Pre “The War on Drugs” in the ‘60s, a bit of experimentation was done before the government shut that shit down. Some of the more interesting information gathered surrounded the classic “bad trip”. If people had been having a shit time as of late, suffered from bouts of anxiety or depression, were in a group of people larger than six, were in a negative environment or setting etc., they were far more likely to have a bad trip. Symptoms include consistent and recurring feelings of dread, anxiety, and fear for their duration of the drug being active. Peter Stafford (I assume he had a theoretical degree in getting fucked up on drugs and writing books) suggested that psilocybin resulted in a ‘warmer’ and less ‘forceful’ high than that of LSD. If you are looking to get in on the ground floor, here are some spots you can find mushrooms that are level 10 wizards. One is in the garden area near the G, F, E, D, C blocks. Another is in the flax gardens right outside the new law building. But before you do that, just fucking chill - if you’re planning on cracking into that shit, make sure you’re in safe place and know exactly what you are taking. Yam and Troy the Science Boys takes no responsibility for anybody fucking out and dying because again, I’m just some dude with a computer. Do your research children.

Saturday KIM SARE The weekend is often a time of rest and recuperation for Waikato scholars. Of course, us diligent students don’t get to stay in bed for hours in the morning during our study-packed weekdays at uni, due to our dedication to 9 am lectures and maintaining a routine sleep schedule. As a result, the Saturday morning sleep-in is a heavenly occurrence for many—unless, of course, you have that one flatmate who thinks 7 am is an acceptable time to start slamming all the doors in the house. With the prospect of a full two days until you have to worry about your next excuse as to why you’re not going to class again, the options of what to do with your time are endless. Why not head on down to your local sports field to watch some classic Saturday entertainment? Depending on how early the game is or how crisp of a morning Hamilton East is serving up, there’s nothing better than standing on a muddy sideline while not understanding a bloody thing because you can’t hear the ref. Or better yet, why not play? You can’t beat reliving the glory days of high school by continuing with weekend sport into your 20s. Saturday’s are prime-time to visit home for some good old-fashioned TLC. We all know the heartache that comes with homesickness, especially those of you that move from your parents’ house on the Hillcrest side of uni to the pumping student area that surrounds Beaumont Street. Must be tough. Why not head back to your old stomping ground for a couple

of days to remind yourself just why you left in the first place? Besides, there’s nothing better than a nice, home-cooked meal with actual vegetables, because let’s face it, Hall food is unkind to the tastebuds and none of us know what the fuck we’re doing with a frypan. An added bonus is your washing appearing to do itself, complete with precision folding, meaning you can finally wear clean clothes for the first time in three weeks. Saturday night is the time for legends to be born. No matter the number of bad decisions that are made, us nifty students can rest assured that, regardless of how messy the night gets, even the most studious of us have Sunday to recover before Monday arrives with more classes and more money to be added to our crippling student debt. Also if you do send that “accidental” Snapchat, you have at least twenty-four hours to pull the classic, “sorry, ignore that!” or just drop out and move cities. Just a heads up though; your excuses aren’t fooling anyone. Girls, your “love you, whoops wrong person” series isn’t going to cut it. And boys, no girl is going to believe that picture of your downtown was an accident, nor is the picture with a girl, who we all know has a boyfriend, going to make us jealous. But still, the age-old question remains – are Saturdays really for the boys?

Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve had the pleasure of printing some stellar illustrations. Our centrefolds have been crafted in a range of far-off lands, from Spain, France, and Germany, right through to the UK and other exotic paradises like Australia. Yeye Weller is one of our most recognisable, featuring not only on the current cover but the centre of both Issue 2 and Issue 6. We caught up with our favourite German illustrator to discuss all things sausage, street art, and (yellow) submarines.

You live all the way on the other side of the globe in Münster, Germany. What’s it like over there? YW: After Googling Hamilton, New Zealand, I can tell you it’s totally different. No sea, no palm trees; but twice as many bicycles as the population. Münster is mainly famous for its rain and a lot of churches, but I love living here. On the one hand, it’s a pretty historical city, and on the other hand, there’s a very young, student vibe. If you ever visit, you have to taste Pinkus [Müller] beer and a Westphalian “schlachtplatte” at Gasthaus Leve; a dish with mashed potatoes, sauerkraut and many different sausages. NEXUS: Your artwork is, to be frank, fucking amazing. How’d you get started in illustration? YW: I don’t know. I painted, and drew with crayons like any other kid, and doodled in my exercise book like every teenager does. But I think the turning point was starting out with skateboarding. From the beginning, I was fascinated by all the great skating artwork, and I collected all the ads and stickers of my favourite brands. When I was about 14, a friend at gave me a cracked version of Adobe Photoshop. I became absolutely addicted, and just a short time later, we founded our own little skateboard shirt label. From there, the ball started rolling. NEXUS: We’ve noticed your illustrations have a lot of animals; mice, dogs, bears... How much inspiration do you take from classic animation style? YW: Oh, [laughs] “inspiration”—one of my favourite words. In the graffiti biz, people call inspiration “biting” [biting: to steal another artist’s ideas, name, lettering, or colour schemes.] Some graffiti artists say that they are inspired by music and nature, but I think they’re all liars. There’s nothing better than the internet. Of course, I watched countless cartoons in my childhood, and I still love so many of them, but they haven’t affected in me an artistic way. If I’m honest, the only artist who’s had a sustained influence on me is Heinz Edelmann, and his artwork for ‘Yellow Submarine’. I watched the animation a hundred times but was always amazed like it was the first time. The colours, characters, and music were perfect. NEXUS: How often do you illustrate/make art? YW: Preferably every Monday to Friday. But being my own boss, things often interfere. Things like lying in bed until the afternoon, partying on a Tuesday, or just procrastination. No matter how much I love my job, it’s a struggle every day to get my ass up and go to work. NEXUS: Where are you headed from here? What’s your dream job? NEXUS:

As a kid, I always wanted to be a singer. I never played an instrument, and I can’t sing very well, but I liked the idea of standing on a stage in front of a crowd. Today, I’m very glad that this dream didn’t come true, and I work as an illustrator instead. There’s no spotlight, no crowd, no screaming. Just me, my studio and some good music playing. Even though there are some struggles that come with working as a freelance illustrator, I would say it’s my dream job. NEXUS: Where can people find you online? YW: Google Yeye Weller, or try www.instagram. com/yeyeweller YW:

JARED IPSEN NZ Music Month has been an institution for the past 18 years - an excuse for radio stations to force Shihad down our throats and make us swallow warm globules of ‘Stand Up’ by The Feelers until we feel sick. From the target-turntable logo tees at Hallensteins to the ripped-up posters in the Kmart car park, it’s impossible to escape the buzz around the most exciting month of the year. In reality, there’s a fuckload of incredible, hardworking Kiwi acts that don’t get the exposure or airplay they deserve (at least until Jon Toogood retires or moves to Tirau or something). Often, these acts succeed in spite of, not because of, support from NZ On Air and 97.8 The Edge. Funding for music videos and album recording from Aunty Jacinda seems earmarked for already established acts, with some of the more obscure/underground artists left to flail around in community halls and under the Tauranga Harbour Bridge. Despite what you may have heard (or more likely may not have heard), the Hamilton music scene is alive and well. Passionate local promoters, sick local venues (The Meteor, Zeal, Nivara Lounge etc.) and people that aren’t too ashamed to dance at the front of a crowd of 10 are all contributing to the revival of Hamilton’s music scene. I think the best way we can support NZ Music Month is to simply just support NZ musicians - and not the ones on the KFC ads. Check out a new band. Buy their t-shirt. Leave the house to go to a gig even if the new season of 13 Reasons Why just came out on Netflix. By supporting local music, you’re ensuring that one day your children might be able to watch a shitty band play in a bar, too. 22

If the following artists are anything to go by, all you need is some recording gear, great songs, and a strong work ethic to reach the apex of the NZ music scene (opening for Shihad). Check out these cunts:

Carb on Carb (Auckland)

Without a doubt the hardest working band I am currently aware of, touring our country and the rest of the world so much it makes me feel tired for them. This two-piece plays the kind of emo music that makes you remember how shit it was to be a teenager and how great it was to have friends and not pay rent. Their latest album, For Ages, came out this month. It is fantastic and definitely didn’t make me cry or anything.

Landlords (Hamilton)

I’ve wanked on about these guys before in Nexus, but every time I see them, I like them even more. Dark, broody, heavy shoegaze with catchy hooks and some of the most tortured guitar effects I’ve ever heard. If you get a chance to check them out on their 2018 tour of Hamilton, bring earplugs. They’ve got a demo EP recorded, but are yet to release it out of sheer laziness.

Bridge Burner (Auckland)

The kind of music you embrace the void with. Some of the heaviest, most crushing, evil-sounding black metal you’ll ever have an existential crisis to. Their new release, ‘Null Apostle’, comes out soon, and if their 2015 EP Mantras of Self Loathing is anything to go by, it’s gonna be a dark few weeks.

Super Narco Man(Tauranga)

The best band I’ve ever seen live, straight up. They play a sort of filthy blues/soul/punk/jazz that makes you want to go for a skate and punch your dad. Their new album, Dank Mammoth Deluxe, just came out through MUZAI, so they’re kind of a big deal now. How can a band that sounds so weird be so catchy? How does the bassist scream for so long without passing out? How do they play so many shows?

Holly Arrowsmith (Auckland)

Holly Arrowsmith played in a garage in Matangi a few months back; I was yarning to her in the driveway for a while before she said “well, I better go and play” and I realised who she was. I think that speaks a lot to the music she plays—down to earth, raw, honest folk songs that give an unfiltered look into her life.

Hedge Fund Trader (Hamilton)

Aldous Harding(Lyttelton)

Gothic-folk singer Aldous just won the Taite Music Prize, so she isn’t exactly unknown anymore, but she is criminally under-listened to. Party is probably one of my favourite albums of all time. I saw her live at the Arts Festival earlier this year, and she sounded even better than the recording. Also, if you think Lorde has some weird dance moves, go and see Aldous perform. Seriously.

Opshop (Auckland)

I don’t give a fuck. This band rules. Have you even heard ‘No Ordinary Thing’? ‘Levitate’? Any of the other absolute classics from 2004’s You Are Here? If you can listen to ‘One Day’ on The Breeze and not feel any emotion, you’re probably a psychopath. And no, they aren’t dead—I saw them at Homegrown, and they seemed reasonably alive and healthy.

Currently on hiatus, while their vocalist is in China, there’s more than enough recorded music to tide you over ‘til they’re playing shows again. Loud, fast, and abrasive, this ‘90s screamo/powerviolence inspired band are one of the coolest bands I’ve seen come out of this city in a while.

Matthew Young (Auckland)

This dude is my fuckin’ idol. He released his dark R&B debut DIVE back in 2015, disappeared on me for a few years, and now is set to release FRUIT this week. Already reaching #1 twice on Australian radio stations, opening for Lorde and playing Laneway a while back, Young is going to blow up any minute now. Also if you’re reading this, I love you. 23

Edgy Trash ARCHIE PORTER Hello, me again. How are you? I don’t know why I’m asking you that as you can’t conversate, unless you actually go out of your way to contact me and inform me of how you are – but I’m not sure I actually care enough, so don’t do that. Anyway, however you are, here’s some music that I’ve been listening to recently, in yet another self-indulgent slice of edgy trash by yours truly. My apologies. 1. ‘CEREMONY’ – NEW ORDER: The first single released by New Order after the death of Joy Division’s Ian Curtis, ‘Ceremony’ remains some of their very best work and is a real favourite of mine. With typically dark and heartfelt lyrics written by Curtis before his suicide, the song hits a strong emotional chord in terms of its songwriting, musicianship, and the context in which the track was released. 2. ‘DOUSED’ – DIIV: Taken from their debut album, Oshin, ‘Doused’ is a brilliant mash-up of strange, oceanic sounds, sleek guitars dripping in reverb, and eerily distorted, melancholy vocals. The track is surprisingly dark, especially regarding the album’s somewhat upbeat, summery tone, but regardless it’s excellent. Taking elements of shoegaze, post-punk, and dream-pop, this song is dark and gloomy while remaining a catchy pop song at heart. 3. ‘BLACK GOLD’ – FOALS: I’ve been listening to this track quite a bit recently. I used to listen to this record obsessively a number of years ago and, for whatever 24

reason, it’s been in the background through some significant events in my life – both good and bad. For that reason alone, it holds a special place in my heart. Foals’ subsequent records haven’t been that great, but Total Life Forever is a fantastic piece of work, and ‘Black Gold’ is one of the crown jewels on the album. 4.‘YOUWOULDN’TLIKEMEWHENI’MANGRY’ – THOM YORKE:

I’m a big fan of Thom Yorke’s solo work, and this track is one of my favourite releases by him. At the forefront of the song are Yorke’s luscious, reverberating vocals, in which he proclaims himself as a disappointment. The track creeps its way along with its repeating analogue drumbeat, as the second half of the song swells with its glorious, warping synths. To some, I can imagine the song being irritating and repetitive, but I love it – and seeing as I’m the one writing this, you’ll just have to deal with that.

For all my Alty Queens and Aspiring Trendy Teens KAITLIN STEWART Who am I? A question I ask myself while I cut off more hair or change my entire wardrobe during another crippling identity crisis. But a more important question, who do I want to be? Clothes can reflect an entire aspect of your personality. However, to achieve this desired portrayal can be very difficult. This being a result of fear of judgement, lack of money, or pure laziness. There’s nothing that gets the heart pumping more than getting ready for a class that started 10 minutes ago, and wearing whatever graced the floor the night before. There’s a key value taught in good ol’ primary school, drilled into each and every one of our heads. It’s self-expression, my friend. So, from someone who wears turtlenecks in summer for pure aesthetic, here’s some useful advice towards creating your own unique style (but maybe don’t take it on board, I don’t know what I’m talking about). Instagram is fucking perf for inspiration. Find one person or page you like and go from there. Search through their tags, hashtags, and other pages they follow. Maybe if you’re feeling brave message them, befriend your style icon. It may result in something positive, as that my friends is how my boyfriend and I met, aw. Before you know it, you’ll have wasted two hours, and added a further 200 people to your following list. The plus side of this being a feed full of aesthetics you enjoy, heightening your desire to switch things up in the wardrobe. Now to kick your stalker mode up a notch, why not try people watching? Don’t raise your eyebrows at me, we all do it. Sit in the Village Green one day, and watch people going to and from class. You’re bound to spot a few funky fits amongst the Waikato Draught T-Shirts. An absolute staple piece, sported by only the classiest of students, including our very own editor (bless). If you’re still stuck on ideas, here are a couple of clothing combos from yours truly. A turtleneck and oversized tee is absolute perfection, especially when you’re trying to hide any trace of a figure you may have. A sweet, sweet pair of mom/ dad/ grandad jeans are the epitome of fashion. My personal thought towards pants, if they’re old, wear em. And lastly, for pure comfort but also gram aesthetics, you cannot beat an oversized sweater or knitted jumper with a pair of fitted jeans and sneakers. It’s a classic look and can be sported by any person of any gender. Expressing your true self without giving a shit about what others think is truly an amazing feeling and once you embrace that, go crazy with it. Go forth and prosper, I believe in you. 25

Thanks to our sneaky exam hobgoblins, we managed to hoover up a few exam answers carelessly left in the wastepaper baskets of various faculties. Commit these to memory, they’re sure to bump your mark up a few points. •

APHYS111-18A (HAM): Question 3, Section B: Donna Summer.

•

CHEMY100-18A (HAM): Question 1: Our Lord God is the answer.

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COMP203-18A (HAM): Question 22: 33 ⅓, unless the colour options are ‘Blue’ or ‘Pink’, in which case the answer will most certainly be ‘Florence Nightingale’.

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ENMP323-18A (HAM): Question 1b: Chappaquiddick Island, Massachusetts, July 18, 1969.

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ENGMP211-18A (HAM): Question 5: Kaiser Wilhelm II, Tsar Nicholas II, King George V, and suspension bridges.

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GEOG306-18A (HAM): Question 11: 69.

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HISTY106-18A (HAM): Question 2c: Ferrets.

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MRKTG101-18A (HAM): Question 4: ‘A continent ravaged by war, coupled with the retreat of the church from secular life…’ That should be enough to get you started.

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PSYCH100-18A (HAM): Question 2b: Cesare Lombroso, recidivism.

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STMGT101-18A (HAM): Question 6, Section A: Cut them up, sand off the fingerprints, break all the teeth (dental records), hide underneath a construction site or feed to pigs.

Nexus Magazine 28 May at 09:34

Exam Season is hard Sometimes you need a leg up, a little something to give you that extra boost to the end after you’ve already tried every chemical boost on offer. We put it to our contributors online and bring to you now our helpful study and exam tips. Wow

Comments

Roberto Peters III Here’s some REAL shit i’ll leak for easy excellence endorsed

Step 1: buy a casio FX-9750gii (the og graphics calculator). Now with usb you can put programs on it (had snake holy shit) but I soon figured out that I could write normal text and it wouldn’t run BUT would let me store notes Step 2: fucking pack the thing (every inch) of notes on your exams for that year Step 3: ace every exam, getting certain questions wrong (strategically) so you don’t get dux (not because you can’t, but because you don’t deserve it, cheater)

Iyia Liu

Honestly? Ever since graduating, my exam stress has absolutely vanished! It’s crazy. Not many people would think of *graduating* as the secret to not worrying about exams, but it’s really worked a trick! Give it a try, friends

Ryan David Thanks Friend!

Maddz Awaimate DO NOT

keep tissues up your sleeve during an exam because an eagle eyed supervisor WILL accuse you of cheating and may also make hurtful comments about your “abnormal body language” to the disciplinary committee

Aarush Patel

Do a Screen and media degree, sure you might wanna inflict a slow and painful death upon that one group member you hate, but it beats doing an exam. Plus, that dream of doing promo work for ZM will be in sight.

Angela Cartwright Write your notes on your boobs Sam Saifoloi

Managed 2 years of absolute minimum to no effort on assignment questions. most lecturers just rewrite questions from textbooks. The only thing you have to do is search deep enough on the internet for those answers don’t be a pussy and buy that chegg shit tho unless you scored a free username and password somehow Disclaimer: If you get caught cheating at university, there will be severe consequences. We at Nexus firmly believe that you should take responsibility for yourself and just put some effort in to pass. Failing that, we take no responsibility for any repercussions you may face if you choose to take our handy exam cheating tips. 27

Camo Note Cards One of the hardest things about cheating has to be sneaking your answers past the eagle-eyed lecturers. We’ve given you the answers; now, we need to get them through the door. In aid of this, we had our special Nexus camoufleur knock up these military-grade camouflage cards for you to write your answers on—your lecturers will never see them coming, but make sure you don’t lose them!

Medical Certificate Look, you’ve left it too late. We’ve tried our best to help you but things just haven’t come up Milhouse for you. But we have one last tool for you to try.

Royal Nexus College of Medical Studies Date / / This certificate is to notify all concerned parties that has .

is real sick and

He/She/They cannot attend their exam/work but should not be penalised. There is no correlation between this illness and their desire not to participate due to hangover/ stupidity/negligence. It is my professional opinion that your institution should fumigate and/or disinfect all surfaces that have come into contact with .

Signed 28

, Doctor

MBChB UoWOGSoM)

ng .

E: S om e y m o u ay sa c rl o m oss y i pl es t’s e , A te an tim r e ly f d e yo uc th to m u s kin ey’ cu d ur ’ d ad b t r e e e y ig c e i D si the ou ht. : o ’ v yo W on n b righ e m u’v hile t w a s yo ore e m it’ be ha ed o st t’ a ss c u f s u d a l o se ctu a s e i rpr yo for is t u a u t t r o i ? p lly pr his ng i a f t ss cam se th ar, hat i th at it’s is

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Don’t bother waiting for results to come out, let our flawless fortune teller predict whether or not you should be celebrating at the end of this exam period.

AUTEUR HOUSE Self Destructing Career RICHARD SWAINSON A British movie called Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool played earlier this year in Hamilton and Cambridge. No doubt small but appreciative crowds. A true story, based on the memoir by a minor Liverpudlian actor called Peter Turner, it dealt with the last weeks in the life of Gloria Grahame, the one-time toast of Hollywood whose career had self-destructed in the late 1950s. Grahame is today only remembered by buffs and historians yet in her peak years, roughly 1946 to 1955. She carved herself a distinctive niche. Like all genuine film stars, she was known for a particular type of role, one that was an extension of her own off-screen personality. Grahame was sensuality personified, the good time girl, free with her favours, who enjoyed sex and didn’t care who knew it. Because of the misogynistic morality of the day, her characters usually came to a bad end. Though seldom the lead, she was often the most memorable performer, stealing film after film with little seeming effort. An obvious comparison can be made with one of Grahame’s contemporaries, Marilyn Monroe. It is interesting how Monroe became an icon, her private life enhancing her legend. Grahame lacked her rival’s transcendent physical beauty, but she was a much better actress, starred in many more good films and was a strong singer. Her last universally celebrated part was as Ado Annie, “the girl who can’t say no”, in the 1955 screen adaptation of Oklahoma! As with Monroe, Grahame acquired a reputation 30

of being difficult to work with. This only partly accounts for her decline though. The scandal which really destroyed her life was closer to that which threatens Woody Allen’s today than Monroe’s flirtations with Brando, Sinatra, DiMaggio, and the Kennedy brothers. She married one man – Nicholas Ray, a cult director, best known now for making Rebel Without a Cause – then, a few years later, his son. The elder Ray caught Gloria in bed with his boy when the lad was only 13. Let’s not judge from this distance though. Rather watch Grahame in her glory days, tempting a preSesame Street Bert and Ernie in It’s a Wonderful Life (1946); as Humphrey Bogart’s suspicious lover in In a Lonely Place (1950) and the gangster’s moll who gets boiling water in the kisser courtesy of Lee Marvin in The Big Heat (1953). Auteur House stocks all of these and more.

More Weasely than Ron CAMERON MCROBIE In a country where we can’t stand any living creature that doesn’t produce milk, wool, or have feathers, it’s no surprise that sports like ferretlegging haven’t hit the mainstream. Ferrets are weasely, seedy, little rodents that most closely resemble stoats, rats, or half the male population of The Bank on a Friday night. Known also as “put ‘em down” or “ferret down trousers”, contestants put live ferrets down their pants, with the winner being the last person to release them. Ferret-legging is rumoured to have been established when only the relatively wealthy in England were allowed to keep animals used for hunting, forcing poachers to conceal their illicit ferrets down their daks. Modern ferret-legging, gaining a popularity resurgence in the ‘70s, is an endurance sport that can loosely be compared to planking or static free diving, in the sense that participants must endure a certain amount of discomfort for as long as they can. Competitors tie their pants at the ankles before slipping two ferrets inside and securely fastening their belts to stop the little buggers from escaping. Each athlete must then stand in front of the judges for as long as they bloody can. The risk of injury, already rife, is increased tenfold as the rules state that no athlete may wear underwear, to allow the ferrets free access from

one leg to another AND the ferrets must have a full set of teeth that cannot have been filed or otherwise blunted. The winner is the person who lasts the longest; the final score is not subject to how much of your bits and bobs are left intact. The sport is said to involve very little natural skill or fitness component to be trained—simply an ability to have your pecker mangled and not give two fucks. Though the rules state that no individual or ferret may be under the influence of drugs or alcohol – which to be fair, would make the ordeal more bearable – it’s a past time that scarfies, given the chance, might pioneer in flat initiations down south should there be any readily available black market ferrets. Former world champion Reg Mellor (who managed five hours, 26 minutes) is credited with instituting the practice of wearing white trousers in ferret-legging matches, to better flaunt the dick blood from the wounds caused by the animals. Competitors can attempt in a similar fashion to an over-the-pants handy, to extricate the ferrets, but as the animals can sustain a firm hold for extended periods, their removal can only be described as problematic and unfavourable to the human reproductive system.

123 WHYNANCHEESE LANE There was nothing of substance to recall of this quaint lodging; the lovely tenants simply proclaimed we should ‘just write whatever’, ‘yeah go for it’, and attempted to bribe us for the promotion of Wine & Cheese | 18A hosted by WMSSA on Friday the 1st of June at House on Hood.

Static is known for its filthy sets in the early hours of the morning, gracing Hood St with some of Hamilton’s heaviest and most experimental tracks each week. We caught up with Caleb Bird, the artist behind Biobird and the DJ responsible for the iconic 2 am slot that only the truest battlers have come to know and love. How would you define your sound? Dark, slightly cinematic, heavy, and expressive. I guess it’s a reflection of how I feel about everything, as every artist does, music is all about expression. It’s heavily influenced by the artists I like, ranging from DNB producers like Noisia, to bands like Fat Freddy’s Drop, along with Dubstep pioneers Truth. I really like experimenting, pushing the boundaries, and making my sound different. Electronic music, to me, is very recycled. Especially in the heavier stuff. It’s rare to hear something new. I’m just searching through sounds to see what works. NEXUS: Where did you start? CB: In intermediate, I started learning guitar and trombone, and I really liked it. The more I got into it, the more I leant into the composition side of things. I don’t like the idea of being a monkey, playing someone else’s song is cool, it shows discipline, and that you persevered to get a result, but I prefer the idea of being able to play my own music. To make what I hear in my head, and then hear it in the real world. That’s more exciting to me. NEXUS: Do you have any other creative outlets? CB: Just drawing the artwork for my releases. Nothing other than that, I just love composing and physically playing instruments. NEXUS: CB:

What artists do you listen to regularly? Radiohead, Truth, Noisia, Culprate, Wardruna, anything from Disciple Records, Lamb of God, Gojira, The Upbeats, Ivylab, Shlump, Snarky Puppy, Periphery, FFD. I range from progressive metal to dubstep, then from drum & bass to laid back tunes. It’s always changing. NEXUS: What have you been working on recently? CB: I’ve been working on an album called Balance which I released a couple of weeks ago on Soundcloud and Spotify. It’s pretty fresh. It features a combination of chill back tunes and heavy, hard, grungy drum & bass. A plethora of styles I guess. It also features my good friends and fucking good musicians, fuDank, Tristan Fisher, and Fleur Fauna. For certain tracks, I felt my guitar skills weren’t up to scratch, so I called mates in to record, then blended it all together. Vocals as well—I don’t sing—luckily my friends sing, and they were happy enough to pop in and help. I’m incredibly grateful for all the support, and everyone helping out and chilling around making beats. A very enjoyable process. Definitely got to give a special thanks to The Drum & Bass Massive, Noize Radio, Static, and everyone else who’s helped and provided support. Check Biobird out on Soundcloud, Spotify, and at Static. NEXUS: CB:

We decided to spice things up with a cheeky double date. One of the gals referred to herself as ‘a typical Aucklander’, an outgoing character ‘who spends too much on clothes’ and ‘gets constantly teased for her JAFA tendencies’. The other called herself ‘semi-awkward’, someone who’s looking for their very own Damian McKenzie, though admitted they’d settle for a British heartthrob. One of the guys described himself as the classic ‘shitbag engineering student’, someone who’s looking for a ‘good night on the piss (as always)’ and up for ‘some good ol’ chit chat’. However, the other bloke decided to ignore our emails and not send through his write up, leaving us to consider whether or not he’s the real shitbag of the two. SHE SAID:

HE SAID:

Much to my pleasant surprise, my date happened to be someone I knew quite well. To spice things up a bit, the date was a double-blind date. Fantastic! As the night rumbled on, I found myself wishing I was studying in the Library than being on this piss take of a date. I kept trying to drink my blueberry flat cola tasting fish bowl, but no amount of drinking was going to make this date any better. I was so bored, I found myself watching golf on TV to make time pass a little faster. There was only so much I could hear about theme parks before I ditched the table and found a wonderful group of friends. Towards the end of the night, I soon learnt that my good ol’ friend is a sleazy little bastard. Who tried with me the previous night, but plans to smash the other girl first, then myself a bit later on!! Hearing about his ratty plans put me in a damsel of distress situation, I made a runner from this shit show of a date. What a great guy. His game sucks so much that he failed with not only with me but also with the other girl! But now, his plans are to make me pity him, but the only thing I’m going to pity is the fact that I knew him! And to make my night more shit, I left my pizza behind.

Little did I know, I was about to be the subject of Nexus’ first double date. The night started off slightly interesting when I was sat next to an unwelcoming familiar face, she was undoubtedly your typical JAFA. Thankfully, the second date soon arrived and was followed by the other dude who happened to be a 22-year-old who sounded like he could already be going through a midlife crisis, and possibly even have kids, although he did mention something about living at home with his mum. I was provided with something to actually work with since she had pretty decent chat. She was quick to show her white girl basic side, expressing her love for Ed Sheeran, red wine, and a cheeky wrist flower tat. While the jafa sat there and pretended to listen to the other guy’s very, very interesting stories (which I personally could not piece together) sipping on her fishbowl and demonstrating her lack of game. Myself and the other lass continued to spin some chat and learn a few things. Few Waikatos go by and they’re still sipping away on their fish bowls with a couple shots to follow. Not to my surprise, the jafa orders a Hawaiian pizza—yes pineapple on pizza— and eventually gets up and walks over to begin talking to a couple shady-looking blokes in the corner, clearly trying to get herself a quick ride outta the place. Now, it was up to me to awkwardly include the dad-looking guy in our chat until he finally left saying “Tell the other one I said goodbye”—don’t worry mate, you’ll find the one someday. Nonetheless, my work paid off, with her planning to meet again to complete the night, since she had an assignment due (quite pathetic I say).

SHE SAID:

HE DIDN’T SAY:

So now that the headache has worn off, I can do this some justice as tipsy me tried and deeply failed. After my flatmates trying (and failing) to talk me into applying for Married at First Sight, I decided to do the next best thing, Nexus Blind Date. I went in expecting at least a few free drinks and some good convo. What I did not expect was a double date. I was the third person that got there, walking in the door bang on 7:30. I’ll admit I saw one of the guys walk in just before me and oooh, Nexus, you do not disappoint. Once I got seated by one of the lovely staff, I started to chat with the other two, turns out they know each other through Halls. Then it hit me, that means they’re freshers… I’m third. Now, there is nothing wrong with that, but I did start to feel a bit old when I realised they were my younger sister’s age. Five minutes in, and many JAFA and ‘naki redneck jokes later, this other guy still hadn’t shown up. Ten minutes later, he finally rocks up and idk, he reminded me of my cousin so that was a no from me. Once the shock of the fact that there was actually four of us (and no one knew who they were supposed to be with) the drinks and convo started flowing. So thanks Nexus, it was an all-round good night, even scored a number and a promise to watch a few movies so cheers.

Once again, some absolute useless cunt has decided to take us for a ride. While he had no issue with pumping through the bar tab, a measly 250 word write up proved a little too difficult. Though after perusing the other three tales of the evening, it’s become apparent he’s likely in the midst of a “midlife crisis”. Now, we understand being in your early-tomid 20s can be tough, especially for someone who potentially has kids, but still lives with their parents. We provided the perfect night to de-stress, along with food and drinks on us and still he was incapable of stringing together a few sentences, or even responding to an email. At least nobody can say they’re surprised that you failed to make a decent impression on any of the other attendees. Get your shit together, Cameron.

Brought to you by House on Hood Street. If you’re keen for a Blind Date, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Keen for some free Burgerfuel? Simply snap us the shitfest of your student lifestyle for the chance to win. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve accidentally sent us something you shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have, just email editor@nexusmag.co.nz with all the details. Prizes can be claimed from reception in the SUB (between Unimart and the gym). 39

Puzzles

CODE CRACKER 25 3

W H

M M

Q W

M M

Emergency coffee kit for the loyal Momento customer, should it ever be shut. Tar Exhaust fumes Debris Shit Fascism

Soot Ashes Decomposition Bumpy white Long long black

EASY SUDOKU

2 5

5 5

5 2

1 4

Rusty plunge Facial piercings Butter Oil Broken glass

10 4

1 26

8 7

3 5

20 18

26 2

6 21

8 17

11 11

V Z

ALGE-BRUH

(

)×

= 1200

(

)×

= 609

= 206

DIFFICULT SUDOKU

3 4

4 3

5 8

9 2

2 4

9 6

A B C D E F G H I J KL M N O P Q R STUVWXYZ

9 4

9 7

5 5

MEDIUM SUDOKU

6 6

THEME:

WORDFIND

9 1

5 2

7 5

1 9

1 5

SIMPLE PUZZLES FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE

Spot 3 different things that “are” differ

ences between these photo-graphs

CROSSWORD 1

ALGE-BRUH ANSWERS:

LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS:

WORD TWIST

ACROSS:

DOWN:

1. Afternoon nap in Spain (6) 4. Wide street (6) 9. Coherent (7) 10. Speak (5) 11. Playing card (3) 12. Exactly the same (9) 13. Not as strict (6) 15. Armed thief (6) 19. Set up or found (9) 21. Australian flightless bird (3) 22. Stories (5) 23. Chosen by vote (7) 24. Fervid (6) 25. Basement (6)

1. Save from destruction (7) 2. Bird of prey (5) 3. Haptic (7) 5. Strongroom (5) 6. Observed (7) 7. Join up (5) 8. Hints (5) 14. Resolved (7) 16. Sports contestant (7) 17. Booming noise (7) 18. More judicious (5) 19. Additional (5) 20. Large shaggy bovid (5) 21. Exalt (5)