N.07 / V.46
Backyard inventor or corporate innovator? Find fame and fortune, in the Fieldays Innovation Competition. With a range of categories in which to enter, Fieldays Innovations has an award structure that supports and recognises Kiwi ingenuity, from grass roots inventions to international exported agri technology. Applications are now open for the agri focused Fieldays Innovation Awards. Entries close 3 May 2014.
Find out more at fieldays.co.nz/innovations
KingSt12379_Nexus_A
PARTNER
fieldays.co.nz | 11-14 June 2014
Innovations
nexus magazine
EDITOR RACHAEL ELLIOTT
CONTENTS
EDITOR@NEXUSMAG.CO.NZ DESIGN HAYLIE GRAY MANAGING EDITOR
— _03
Guest Editorial
_04
Lettuce to the Editor
_05
News
_08
News from the University
_09
Sport
_10
Ridiculist & Vox Pops
_11
Reviews
_14
Honest Matt
_15
Horoscopes & Playlist
_16
Auteur
_17
Arts and Stuff
_18
Overseas Experience
_19
Awesome Dead People
WWW.CRAIGMCCLUREART.COM
_20
Tinder Surprise
PHOTOGRAPHY
_22
Sex-capades of an Awkward
JAMES RAFFAN CONTRIBUTORS SPORTS GUY DR RICHARD SWAINSON HP MIKE BILODEAU JULES CRAFT MATT HICKS BEATS BY J PETER DORNAUF TEE-SHIP LOUISE HUTT AUNTY SLUT MELODY WILKINSON ZAC LYON TONY STEVENS CARL UNTERNAHRER ALIX HIGBY JESSICA WILSON LAUREN HEGINBOTHAM AMBER CARDALE RYAN WOOD JASON RENES MEGAN PHOENIXKING BRITTANY MORISON CHRISTIE SHAW THE TYPE OF GIRL WHO GETS HERPES COVER ART CRAIG MCCLURE
ASHLEIGH MATTHEWS
White Boy DESIGN INTERNS ELLIE BROOKS OLIVIA PARIS
_24
Reality Check: Living with an STI
_26
Victoria's Secret
_29
The Power in the Pussy - Aunty
Slut's Sex Toy Review
ROSE ROGERS PRINT FUSION PRINT ADVERTISING ADS@NEXUSMAG.CO.NZ OFFICES
_32 Columns
GROUND FLOOR, STUDENT UNION BUILDING
_39
Advice
GATE ONE, UNIVERSITY OF WAIKATO KNIGHTON ROAD, HAMILTON
_40 Notices
ONLINE NEXUSMAG.CO.NZ
_41 Recipe
FACEBOOK.COM/NEXUSNZ @NEXUSMAG SPOTIFY: NEXUSMAGAZINE
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_42 Puzzles
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GUEST EDITORIAL AUNTY SLUT
—
A
unty Slut is tired of hearing about groping. This week alone I’ve
you’re always in town with a guy mate’. But there is only one thing that
had three questions from girls wondering what they can do to
can stop you from being groped.
stop being felt up in town. I’m sure they teach the difference
between good touching and bad touching at primary school, but it appears
most of the boys weren’t listening. A lot of the time, it’s scary being female. The reality is that is if people want to have sex with you, and don’t accept ‘no’ as an answer, there is
If guys stop fucking groping you. So I’m not going to address the questions put to me by ‘Frustrated’, ‘I just want to dance’, ‘Don’t Touch Me’ and the rest of the women that have emailed variations of this question through. I’m going to address the douche-nozzles doing the groping.
nothing you can physically do to stop them. We rely on people to respect
Dear 10% of Guys in Town,
our personal boundaries and to recognise that we are human beings too.
When I put my skirt on tonight, I didn’t do it to elicit attention from you.
That is why when you comment on our bodies or grope us in town, it’s
I did not choose this top so that you can appreciate my breasts. I did not
not ‘a bit of fun’, it’s a direct threat- and it happens all the time. Trying to
put this make-up on so I can look pretty for you.
choose something to wear when I’m going into town is a nightmare: I tend
None of me has been packaged for you this evening.
to walk the line between wearing whatever the fuck makes me happy and
So take your sticky, entitled hands off me.
being harassed, groped or otherwise dehumanised, or wearing something
Even if I’m in town looking to hook up. Even if I’m wearing something
‘safer’ and feeling like I’m not being true to myself and letting other people’s
so short you can see my underwear. Even if I’m only wearing underwear- I
behaviour control me. I’ve been felt up in short skirts, I’ve been felt up in
am not asking to be groped.
jeans. Ladies- there is no winning by changing your behaviour- YOU are not the one in the wrong here.
Next time you go to sexually assault someone- and I’m calling it what it is- think about how you would feel if you saw someone doing it to your
A recent study found that objectification, sexual harassment and abuse
mum, or your sister, or your girlfriend. Or think about how you would feel
are considered just a part of life by young women and what the actual
if some guy rammed his hands down your pants and grabbed your balls.
FUCK? It found that those behaviours are so ingrained into women’s
Threats and sexual assaults are not OK, or funny, or cool. Stop doing it.
experiences they don’t even view them as particularly unacceptable or
Girls- when guys grope you, cause a SCENE. I mean it- scream, shout,
inappropriate anymore. That girls trivialise their experiences of sexual
wave your arms. Point out the weak douche bag that touched you to every-
harassment or assault because they’ve been conditioned to think it’s just
one. Get the piece of shit thrown out, or if you can’t, shame him so much
‘boys being boys’, or the price you pay for going into town. It’s one of the
he won’t want to stay. You might feel embarrassed- but that’s what he’s
reasons that so many rapes go unreported- girls have been grabbed so
hoping- that you’ll be too cowed to say anything. If everyone starts hitting
often they think that sort of thing is normal.
back against this shit, it will stop.
Well it’s not normal- it’s fucked in the head, and Aunty Slut wants it to stop.
90% of Guys in town- you can make the biggest difference here. Peer pressure (or whatever you want to call it) has its uses- so let’s make sexual
Sorry to burst your bubble, but Aunty Slut does not believe for one
assault really fucking uncool. When you see your mates, or other guys feel-
second that all men are inherently sexually predatory and that they can’t
ing girls up without permission- hit them up about why it’s inappropriate.
control their base behaviours. In fact, the number of dudes causing a prob-
Help the women around you- you’d be surprised at the results.
lem here is quite small- the bigger issue is that no one does anything about it when they see it. Ladies, it’s very easy to say ‘don’t let them get to you’. It’s easy to say ‘fight back’. It’s easy to say ‘cover up a little’, ‘stay in groups’ or ‘make sure
10% of Guys in town- keep your hands to yourself. Just because I’m in a public place does not mean I am public property- no matter what I’m fucking wearing. Enough already.
3
LETTUCE
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Confused’s sex friend upset that he’s no longer getting laid. SLUTTIER-THAN-THOU
perfect, but were a fun starting point, and I learned a lot just from how people reacted to them. Perhaps they can help you in deciding what you want, so here they are. 1. Stopping having sex is no reason to stop being friends. 2. Total honesty. 3.
No possessive PDA.
4.
With honesty and consideration, sex shouldn't need
to be exclusive. 5. Never have sex with someone the first night you spend in bed with them.
Dear Aunty Slut, Really? "Just Say No" was the best response to Confused that you could come up with? Not even a mention of sexual autonomy, polyamory concepts, or any useful help at all?
Rap to the Editor
Disappointed... You might as well have just said that that’s
PART 4
just the way things are, so you should just find a rich man, get married, have kids and stay in the kitchen. For someone claiming to be our Aunty Slut, it seems kind of hypocritical to tell a flourishing slut looking for a way to enjoy her sexuality in ways outside the constricting norm that what she wants isn’t possible. If the ‘norm’ is the way it should be, why do so many people express such strong feelings of freedom and joy
Rainbow colored flags and sexual orientations mashing, straight, gay or bi, just be happy with who your pashing. Bonding together under the strength of unity, I officially endorse this message and big ups to the LGBT community.
from once again being single? I have had a long-term relationship which fit pretty much every culturally constructed
The Fuck?
stereotype of a good relationship, and I was miserable. I tried one night stands and sex with people who were attractive but who I didn’t really enjoy spending time with,
VICTORIA WILLIAMS (VIRGIN)
and I felt pretty degraded. So why not sleep with consenting friends, people I like and get along with? Ideally every friendship should grow to whatever level it wants, sexual
DISCLAIMER: Letters published contain the opinion of the writer and the writer alone. Nexus publications take no responsibility for the content or opinions so expressed. By submitting your letter you give consent to its publication in Nexus and subsequent public scrutiny. Letters are the authors own work and Nexus will not edit to compensate for lack of intelligence or coherency. Nexus reserves the right to edit or refuse to publish any letter which breaches any law, is defamatory to any person, or contains threats of violence or hate speech.
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or otherwise. And just because it is hard or other people
Dear Editor,
might judge you for it is no reason to not even try to get
Here is an interesting new (introduced 2005) piece of rather
what you want.
bizarre legislation I came across while studying first year
The rules for sleeping with a friend are simple. Talk, talk,
Law.
and then talk some more. Decide for yourselves what you
128A - Allowing sexual activity does not amount to consent
want the relationship to be, don’t just accept the social
in some circumstances
norm. Then talk some more, because to do it success-
(1) A person does not consent to sexual activity just
fully requires a completely different viewpoint on love and
because he or she does not protest or offer physical resis-
friendships, so it is really important to be on the same
tance to the activity.
page. A way of looking at things that I have found useful
Does this mean that during moaning grunting speech-
is that I am a whole person, I don’t need someone else to
less non-resistant sex there is no consent, just because?
‘complete’ me, and that it is unhealthy to expect one per-
(2) A person does not consent to sexual activity if he or she
son to provide everything you need, which really is a less
allows the activity because of—
stressful outlook. And from someone who knows that most
(a) force applied to him or her or some other person; or
of the time, jealousy is a learned behaviour, not an inevi-
So does this mean that giving in to force there is no
table outcome. Because when you don’t feel like you own
consent?
the sexuality of the people you are with, you get to enjoy
(b) the threat (express or implied) of the application of force
watching them being happy with other people, because it
to him or her or some other person; or
isn’t a threat to what you have (this is called compersion).
So does this mean that there is no consent when there
Also, group sex! Woohoo!
is a non implied threat?
Definitely come up with your own rules and guidelines,
(c) the fear of the application of force to him or her or some
because it’s your life, your happiness, and your body and
other person.
emotions. The ones I started with several years ago weren’t
So does this mean that during baseless fear there is
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no consent?
NEWS
(3) A person does not consent to sexual activity if the activity occurs while he or she is asleep or unconscious. Wouldn't having sex wake you up? (4) A person does not consent to sexual activity if the activity occurs while he or she is so affected by alcohol or some other drug that he or she cannot consent or refuse to consent to the activity. Does this mean that two plastered individuals can both go to jail for 14 years? (5) A person does not consent to sexual activity if the activity occurs while he or she is affected by an intellectual, mental, or physical condition or impairment of such a nature and degree that he or she cannot consent or refuse to consent to the activity. So does this mean that people with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or depression are forbidden from having sex? (6) One person does not consent to sexual activity with another person if he or she allows the sexual activity because he or she is mistaken about who the other per-
you are having sex with. I am asking you to use your
METEOR THEATRE MARKS NEW BEGINNING
imagination.
JASON RENES FOR THE WAIKATO INDEPENDENT
(7) A person does not consent to an act of sexual activity
—
son is. Under what circumstances would you not know who
if he or she allows the act because he or she is mistaken about its nature and quality. So does this mean that if there was an unexpected wriggle or buttock stroke then there is no consent and also if the sex wasn't any good then there is no consent? (8) This section does not limit the circumstances in which a person does not consent to sexual activity. Does this mean that all sexual activity is rape?
A festive audience packed Hamilton’s Meteor theatre on Saturday as the venue opened itself up to be more accessible to the wider community, including slashing its hire rates. Poetry, music, burlesque, hip hop dance and improvisational comedy kept the crowd entertained and was a
“That’s an affordable thing. Our goal is to make [the Meteor] accessible to a wide range of community users.” Trust member Ross Macleod, who was also performing with his group Apocalypse Lounge, said there were funding options available to the trust to enable them to keep hire rates low.
fitting way to celebrate the management of the Meteor
“As a charitable trust, there are a whole lot of revenue
being handed over from the Hamilton City Council to
streams we can access that the council couldn’t access.”
(9) For the purposes of this section,— allows includes acquiesces in, submits to, participates in, and undertakes sexual activity, in relation to a person, means— (a)sexual connection with the person; or (b) the doing on the person of an indecent act that, without the person's consent, would be an indecent assault of the person.
“IT WILL BE JUST LIKE A CENTRE HUB FOR ALL THE AVENUES OF PERFORMING ARTS AND LIVE MUSIC THAT HAMILTON HAS GOT. BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT.”
Does this mean that allowing sex without consent is rape? Does that even make sense? Well I would advise any tourist not to have sex with the local population because sex is illegal and everyone who is not a virgin is a rapist!
the One Victoria Trust. The non-profit charitable trust has taken over operations of the Meteor, which has struggled with falling rates of usage and a drop-off in audience attendance over the last year. Trust chairman William Farrimond said one way to get people back into the theatre was to lower hire rates for performers from upwards of $970, to $50 a day. “By keeping it at that we hope to encourage a greater
Got something to say? Email editor@nexusmag.co.nz
number of users like school groups,” said Mr Farrimond.
He said this kind of funding will also be useful for the trust to complete earthquake strengthening of the theatre. Audience member Kristy Pearson said she was glad to see the Meteor become more community accessible and that it will be better able to foster Hamilton’s raw talent. “It will be just like a centre hub for all the avenues of performing arts and live music that Hamilton has got. Because there is a lot.”
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effectively and that Educanz will boost the status of the teaching profession. “The aim is very much to ensure there is an independent panel that will speak for them. “I think many teachers are eager to see a body that will be respected, is professional and able to give them clear leadership.” However, Labour spokesperson for Education Chris Hipkins said the support of teachers is needed for any regulatory body to do its job effectively. “Teachers are much less likely to support a body if they have no say over who gets appointed to it. “We should be looking at how we build on the strengths of the current council, rather than starting from a blank piece of paper.” The existing Teachers’ Council is an autonomous board that carries out teacher registration, sets professional standards and deals with disciplinary issues.
TEACHERS’ UNION CONCERNED OVER NEW COUNCIL JASON RENES FOR THE WAIKATO INDEPENDENT
— Waikato teachers are concerned they will have no input into the establishment of a new education council that has been proposed by the Government. Up to 800 teachers packed Founders Theatre yesterday for a meeting of the Post Primary School Association (PPTA) union to discuss the creation of a new regulatory board. The current New Zealand Teachers’ Council will be axed and a new body, the Education Council of Aotearoa New Zealand (Educanz), will take its place if an education amendment bill put forward by the Government is passed. According to the bill, members on the Educanz board will be appointed solely by the Minister of Education. PPTA regional chairperson for Waikato Jo Belgrave said the union is opposed to the government having total control over any regulatory council for teachers. “Changes that do not involve teacher input are not valid changes. Teachers need to be part of any decision making that involves education. “We have a lot of very competent and highly trained teachers in the profession. To not use that expertise will not work.”
I’LL HAVE AN ENGLISH BREAKFAST IN A GERMAN MONSTER PLEASE. JAMES RAFFAN
—
National MP for Hamilton West Tim Macindoe disagreed with the PPTA’s concerns that teachers will not be included in decisions involving Educanz appointments. He also said the current Teachers’ Council structure had not worked
A small German chain of stores was forced to apologise to customers this week after it accidently ordered 5,000 tea cups that bear a faint picture of Adolf Hitler with a swastika in the background as a postmark. The store is refunding each customer $20 for every cup purchased for $1.99. The store has since destroyed the remaining stock. Perhaps leaving the bigger questions are still unanswered like: Why can a store still order Hitler CUPS? Who
“CHANGES THAT DO NOT INVOLVE TEACHER INPUT ARE NOT VALID CHANGES. TEACHERS NEED TO BE PART OF ANY DECISION MAKING THAT INVOLVES EDUCATION.”
is still making Hitler cups on the off chance that the Hitler memorabilia market experiences an upswing? Perhaps the most troubling thing about this story isn’t just that people are still making these cups, it’s that they think the average Hitler enthusiast or neo-Nazi is going to be a tea drinker. Then again you never really know what the people of Cambridge get into.
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WINTEC SECURES MAJOR CONTRACT IN SAUDI ARABI PRESS RELEASE
—
TEXANS, YOU DUMB BASTARDS. JAMES RAFFAN
—
The Waikato Institute of Technology (Wintec) has won a
Saudi Arabia. This contract signals improving educa-
contract to jointly operate a cluster of three new voca-
tional relationships with Saudi Arabia and could open
tional training colleges in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia,
up more opportunities for other New Zealand institutes
starting later this year.
of technology and polytechnics in the Middle East mar-
It is the first New Zealand educational organisation to
kets,” added Mr Flowers.
secure such a contract in Saudi Arabia. Wintec, which
“Our choice to be involved in these bids was not just
is one of New Zealand’s leading institutes of technology,
driven out of financial considerations, but equally out of
has joined forces with a reputable Spanish education
expanding our activities to make the most of emerging
Evelyn Hamilton, a 37 year old women from Texas was recently
institution, Mondragon Educacion Internacional (MEI)
opportunities in the Middle East with education in line
arrested by the cops after she called the 111 police dispatch
to operate these new colleges, based in western
with our internationalisation strategy and our modern
to register a complaint. Miss Hamilton complained that her
Saudi Arabia.
approach.”
long time drug dealer had sold her a bag of weed that was
A worldwide tender was issued last year by the
both undersized and of a poor quality and wanted to know if
Colleges of Excellence (COE) of Saudi Arabia. Top edu-
“...SOLD HER A BAG OF WEED THAT WAS BOTH UNDERSIZED AND OF A POOR QUALITY AND WANTED TO KNOW IF SOMETHING COULD BE DONE ABOUT IT.”
something could be done about it. She maintained that she had spoken to the dealer a number of times regarding a refund and because she now feared she would not be getting her money back she had no course of action left other than to call the cops. Texas police were quick to arrest Miss Hamilton who was later released after posting a $500 bail. She was charged with being in possession of drug paraphernalia after greeting the cops at the door with a small amount of weed to show the quality she had received. To date there has been no word if Miss Hamilton’s dealer ever gave her a refund.
The joint venture deal will see a substantial financial benefit over the term of the five-year contract.
cational organisations were sought by COE to train
“We will use this to invest further into our Wintec
students in more than 26 vocational and technical train-
programmes, services, facilities and for reinvestment
ing colleges built and owned by the Saudi Government.
in international education opportunities,” added
COE is set up to offer quality vocational training pro-
Mr Flowers.
grammes to create a more well-skilled Saudi workforce and to meet the needs of their job market. Wintec Chief Executive Mark Flowers says: “by link-
The key contribution Wintec has in the partnership with Mondragon include Wintec’s established English-language bridging programmes, its special-
ing in with an international provider like Mondragon,
ised programmes of study such as nursing and graphic
which is already operating a college in Saudi Arabia,
design; and staff recruitment expertise.
the benefits are two-fold. We can develop further
Iñaki Pagonabarraga, MEI’s Chief Executive says:
expertise by working with a provider that is already
“The MEI model is focused on a strong commitment
operating in the country. And the more we work with
with local industry, and with Wintec, we can expand
Mondragon, I’m sure we’ll see and develop more oppor-
our offer to better adapt to the Saudi experience. This
tunities in the global education market. “Winning this bid is a tremendous endorsement of Wintec. Organisations from around the world are competing for this opportunity. “We appreciate the support we have received from Education New Zealand throughout this tender process
alliance paves the way for future opportunities for our two organisations to work together on other export education initiatives.” Mr Pagonabarraga noted that MEI already operates a college of excellence in Saudi Arabia, where it is applying its model based on adaptability and partnerships.
and their continued support as we begin delivery in
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NEWS FROM THE UNIVERSITY
CREDIT YOUR UNICASH ACCOUNT ONLINE —
You must now load money onto your Unicash (printing/ photocopying) account online. To do this you need a credit card or a bank account capable of internet banking. Simply visit payments.its.waikato.ac.nz and follow the prompts. The ePay kiosks and paystations on campus, which run on Windows XP, are being removed this week.
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO GRADUATED THIS MONTH! ASB GRADUATE OPPORTUNITIES — ASB will be visiting the Hamilton campus to share information about its graduate programme, Future Me. This is your chance to learn about upcoming opportunities, discover what ASB looks for when hiring grads and learn some key tips for successful job applications. This session is on Wednesday 30 April from 5.15-7.00pm in MSB1.01, Waikato Management School, and is open to students from all years and all disciplines.
LOOKING FOR ADVICE ON SCHOLARSHIPS? — Scholarships drop-in sessions are available every Wednesday between 12.30 and 2.30pm in the Student Centre, room 2.31 next to the Student Administration Desk.
COMMUNITY OPEN DAY MAY 17TH —
No appointment necessary, just drop in and speak to one of our friendly advisers. As part of our 50th anniversary celebrations, the University hosts a Community Open Day on Saturday 17 May (the day after our secondary school Open Day). It will be a chance for the public to check out the Hamilton campus and for us to showcase our research and facilities. We will have a number of interactive exhibits, demonstrations, mini-lectures and entertainment throughout the day, so make sure to invite your whanau and friends and join us as we celebrate our first 50 years.
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POSITIONAL REQUIREMENTS FOR TEAMS WITH TOP PICKS IN THE 2014 NBA DRAFT – PART 1. SPORTS GUY - OPINION
— With the NBA coming to an end for the season and playoffs just kicking off,
SF who can play at the SG position is the perfect choice. Wiggins can do it all;
I’ve decided to look ahead to the future and voice my opinions on where the 6
score, pass, rebound, hit 3s and, at only 19 years old, he will continue to grow
favourite teams for the top pick are weakest, and should look to strengthen in
and build muscle. He’s going to be a force in the NBA in years to come and the
the upcoming NBA draft.
76ers will not pass on the chance to pick him up. Here are my ideal starters for
#1 – Milwaukee Bucks After a dismal year, the Bucks finished with the worst record in the entire league, making them the overall favourite to win the #1 pick in the NBA draft
the 76ers next season if they get the second pick: PG: Michael Carter-Williams SG: Tony Wroten
lottery this year. For me, the Bucks need to look at signing either a small forward
SF: Andrew Wiggins
or a ‘pass first’ point guard. The NBA as of late has been dominated by small
PF: Thaddeus Young
forwards who can do it all themselves, aka LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Paul
C: Nerlens Noel
George and so on. If the Bucks want to strengthen their SF spot, they need a
The youth of this team is a desirable characteristic in the long run. If the 76ers
combo forward: they need Jabari Parker. The 6’8” forward averaged 19.1 points
can keep this team together, they will be a playoff team within a few years.
per game, 8.7 rebounds per game, shooting a shade under 50% from the field. If
#3 – Orlando Magic
they go the way of picking up a point guard look for them to pick up Australian
The Magic had the second overall pick last year and picked up rookie of the
sensation Dante Exum. The 6’6” guard is a tall point guard who can drop the 3
year candidate, combo guard Victor Oladipo with it. They got lucky with this as,
ball, make his free throws and has excellent decision making. He’ll rack up both
in my opinion, he should have been taken with the first pick by the Cleveland
points and assists if he is given 30+ minutes regularly. In my opinion, this is the
Cavaliers. This year they need to strengthen their frontcourt, so look for them
route the Bucks need to take. Move Brandon Knight to the two spot and let Exum
to draft Jabari Parker, Andrew Wiggins, or Julius Randle. I’ve mentioned the
come in and dish out the dimes. Here are my ideal starters for the Bucks next
desirable traits of Parker and Wiggins, however Randle, a 6’9” power forward,
season if they get the first pick:
averaged a double-double (15.1 ppg and 10.7 rpg) for the University of Kentucky
PG: Dante Exum
in the NCAA tournament this year. He might find himself coming off the bench
SG: Brandon Knight
to start but could work his way into the starting line-up easily enough as the
SF: Giannis Antetokounmpo
Magic do not offer a lot in the SF/PF department. They might even try to play a
PF: Ersan Ilyasova
big line-up and put Randle in at PF to play alongside Tobias Harris who could
C: Larry Sanders
play SF and star C Nikola Vucevic. Here are my ideal starters for the Magic next
Give this young backcourt a chance to grow together and it could become
season if they get the third pick:
something beautiful in a year or two. #2 – Philadelphia 76ers
PG: Victor Oladipo SG: Aaron Afflalo
If you ask me, there is only one candidate they 76ers will take with the first
SF: Tobias Harris
pick: Andrew Wiggins. There’s really no question about it. They aren’t looking at
PF: Julius Randle
a point guard, power forward or center. They picked up Michael Carter-Williams
C: Nikola Vucevic
(PG) and Nerlens Noel (C) in the last draft, and will keep Thaddeus Young (PF) in the fold because he is their only decent experienced player. So Wiggins, a 6’8”
Next week, I’ll look at who the Jazz, Celtics and Lakers should look at picking up based on their projected draft picks.
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RIDICULIST
VOX POPS
Ridiculous Pick Up Lines.
Vox populi is a Latin phrase that literally means voice of the people.
1 "Do you know the difference between a picnic and a blowjob?"
Weirdest place you’ve had sex? The beach because it’s horrid and public. What’s your sex song? I don’t remember what it’s called, it’s French. Describe your last kiss. I barely remember. It was romantic though.
"No" "Wanna go on a picnic?" You are so lame you could teach classes.
2 Do you mind if I hang out here until it’s safe to go back to
Weirdest place you’ve had sex? My sister’s bathroom. What’s your sex song? Wild Thing. Describe your last kiss. Just a quick peck on the lips.
Weirdest place you’ve had sex? On a boat. What’s your sex song? At LastEtta James. Describe your last kiss. Painful.
where I farted? I don’t date children, bugger off you stinky bastard.
3 If I followed you home would you keep me?
Weirdest place you’ve had sex? A disabled toilet in the library. What’s your sex song? Make Love - Daft Punk. Describe your last kiss. It was on the way home from town. I got scratches on my legs from creeping through a garden.
If you followed me home I’d call the police, creepo.
4 Did you ever realise screw rhymes with me and you?
Weirdest place you’ve had sex? The park on the corner of Victoria and Bridge Streets. What’s your sex song? Skin- Rhianna. Describe your last kiss. It was this morning before uni. It was… moist.
Actually, screw only rhymes with you… so looks like you’re on your own!
5
Weirdest place you’ve had sex? On the kitchen bench. What’s your sex song? Anything dubstep. Describe your last kiss. It was awkward because her mum was watching.
I lost my virginity... can I have yours? It’s Hamilton. No one here is virginal anymore.
6 Here is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me. I will take your $30 and walk away, because no matter how much I drink you won’t turn into less of an asshole.
7 "See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute." No, but he’s not bad, can you introduce us?
8 I wish you were my shin, so I could bang you on the coffee table. I wish you were a piñata so I wouldn’t get arrested for repeatedly smashing you in the face with a stick.
Bonus- a pick up line that might actually work: I like you. Can I buy you a coffee tomorrow?
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HAVE YOU TRAVELED? WOULD YOU LIKE TO WRITE ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE AND SHARE ADVICE WITH OTHER STUDENTS? EMAIL EDITOR@NEXUSMAG.CO.NZ.
nexus magazine
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Bad Words FILM REVIEW BY JAMES RAFFAN
FILM REVIEW BY DR RICHARD SWAINSON Once upon a time Jason Bateman was an actor that was ridiculed for going from child star to ‘The Hogan Family’ and then virtually disappearing Wes Anderson does not make films about 'real life'. In the sense that the cinema is by its very nature an artificial medium, no director does. However, it is Anderson's special talent to create highly stylised worlds. The visual design, the narrative structure, the manner of performance, even the way in which his stock company of actors deliver their caustic lines, all are formalised to the point where audiences can be left in no doubt that they are watching a deliberate artistic construction. In other words Anderson is the great formalist filmmaker of the age. Whilst he has never made a bad movie, with 2012's Moonrise Kingdom and now The Grand Budapest Hotel, a new plateau has been reached. Set in a wholly imaginary past, or rather pasts, Budapest sees the director parody 20th century east European history. If his characters continue to speak with a variety of English and American accents, no matter, that just adds to the mix. Ralph Fiennes has the lead, displaying hitherto unseen comedic skills as an effete 1930s concierge who is equal parts romantic and fortune hunter as he spends time wooing the rich and elderly clientele of the titular establishment. His story is refracted through a variety of different narrators and time zones. What saves Anderson from being twee, here as elsewhere, is a melancholic undertone. Whatever the fun - and it is considerable - death wins in
save the occasional appearance in forgettable movies like ‘Teen Wolf Two’. Then he found himself in the role of Michael Blueth in the series ‘Arrested Development’ and his life took a radically different path. All of a sudden Jason Bateman was re-born as one of the comedic actors of his generation. His abundance of timing and appreciation for playing both the straight man and the crazy sidekick have seen him become a charismatic lead in Hollywood. Jason Bateman can sell it all and audiences love him. Recently he has been turning his hand to other projects, namely his directorial debut in ‘Bad Words.’ Bad Words is the funniest movie I have seen in 2014, it is possibly the funniest movie I have seen in a long, long time. That is because Bateman saw a way to combine all the things he has worked to perfect over his career. It is the story of a disgruntled former spelling bee contestant (Bateman) now using a loophole to try and compete against kids and exact revenge. With excellent supporting cast members like Alison Janney (The West Wing, Juno) and Kathryn Hahn the story develops a good pace and has some razor sharp wit. It is dark and vulgar at times but still manages to keep its audience connected to its emotional core in a way that makes you relate to Bateman, sometimes against your better judgement.
the end. The only worlds that survive are the idealised ones. Anderson's own art is certainly for the ages.
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nexus magazine
Smell the D.A.I.S.Y
Pigalle
ALBUM REVIEW BY HP
ALBUM REVIEW BY JAMES RAFFAN
Landmark making hip hop crew De La Soul have just released a new
Flip Grater’s fourth studio album Pigalle debuted at number eight on the
mixtape, Smell the D.A.I.S.Y (DA Inner Soul of Yancey) which has been
New Zealand Album charts a few weeks ago. Unfortunately that is probably
produced posthumously by James Yancy aka J Dilla. The crew are rework-
more of a reflection of New Zealand music than it is a testament to the
ing their songs, sounds and samples over previously unreleased Dilla beats
quality of the album.
making for a treasure trove of old school hip hop hype and flexing funk. Old favourites have re-worked lyrics and new beats. The whole mixtape,
The first major issue is that it seems maudlin by comparison to Grater’s early work. Because she is an indie artist the album will really only be
which is filled to the brim at just under half an hour, becomes a scavenger
sought by people who are fans already or who have had it recommended.
hunt for fans picking out old songs and re-cast ideas. There are songs that
The problem is her 2006 album “Cage for A Song” and her 2008 “Be All
are so well known that the new takes of the Redman assisted Oooh or A
And End All” set the bar pretty high. Unfortunately Pigalle just seems like
Roller Skating Jam Named 'Saturdays' are jarring on first listen, but before
a continuation of her 2010 release “While I’m Awake I’m At War.” Tracks
long, these are exceptional covers or remixes.
like Justin was a Junkie, Hymns and Marry Me could simply have been
Dilla is obviously the star here with minimalist head nodders and flush bangers. For one reason or another, Dilla has become larger than life after
leftovers that were hanging around for four years until she released a new album.
death and this mixtape exudes all the reasons for his rise in popularity.
The only truly excellent departure from this was the lead off song The
Having worked with Dilla in the past, MC’s Posdnuos and Dove know
Quit. Unfortunately that’s the other major problem with Pigalle: the
exactly how to extrapolate out the best of these beats. They launch off
moment you hear the first track it reminds you of something you have
cymbals and snare cracks and dig in into the booming bass. It is this inter-
heard before, possibly early Bic Runga. Instantly you think that Pigalle could
play which makes this a treat for new and old fans. There’s also a sense
be your new Sunday morning hungover / stoned brunch album because we
of disappointment that these two giants won’t get the chance to hit the
all have one. Then track 2 plays and you get filled with a dreary sense of
studio together.
repetition. The album isn’t bad, it just isn’t what it could have, and perhaps should have been.
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nexus magazine
Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction
Thief GAME REVIEW BY PHOENIXKING
BOOK REVIEW BY MEGAN I could think of all the puns in the world for Thief, but it just seems tacky and I stole most of them anyway. As master thief Garett, you are tasked I came across an excerpt of this novel in the Course Reader for Creative Writing this semester, and any novel that, in the first pages, describes a main character as “a kind of mist you fall into” followed by “her cunt smells nice” has my full attention. A grim look at drug addiction in Australia in the 1980s, Candy charts the course of the unnamed narrator’s love affair with the woman and the drug of the same name. The novel begins with a chapter titled ‘Example of Good Times: Candy’s First Overdose’, and if that’s the narrator’s idea of a good time, then you’d be fair to assume that the bad times must be pretty awful. You’d be right. Their collective addictions see the pair stealing, running scams, pawning jewellery and, in Candy’s case, prostituting herself for drugs. They make several attempts to get clean, but the pull of heroin drags them back again and again. The most gruesome parts of the book were omitted from the movie of the same name- and are well worth the read. The descriptions of the pair ridding each other of crabs, one tiny beastie at a time, and of the lengths a junkie will go to in finding a vein made me want to skip forward. Unfortunately for me, I skipped forward straight into that same junkie spraying blood over everything and everyone when he plugs into his carotid
with stealing shiny things in this fourth installation of the series Thief. This game does keep true to the original series and is excellently remade, although some of the scenes have gone over the top with hints of magic. Fans of the original series can activate a special mode and adjust some settings to make it just as challenging as the original game which is an excellent feature, and most gamers wish more games adopted this feature. The map is pretty expansive, one minute you’re in a Lord’s house stealing his comb, the next you’re in a house where you might want to lay off stealing things, lest you see your GP regularly. The missions are pretty straightforward, steal this, plant false evidence, you know typical stuff, but there is one thing that bugs me. You end up getting a special power, similar to eagle vision in Assassins Creed, or Dishonoured, or now pretty much every game that feel like giving you an easy way of obtaining collectibles. As a PS4 owner, I can vouch that the graphics are b-e-a-u-tiful but the frames can be a little choppy especially in cut-scenes. How you play is up to you, you can choose to take out guards, patrolling with an array of weapons, or sneak in the shadows, either way this game is amazingly fun.
artery and the detachable head of his syringe blows off with the pressure. Candy: it’s vivid, it’s compelling, it’s gross and it will break your heart.
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nexus magazine
HØNEST MATT MEETS VEGAS BROWN Honest Matt Matt Hicks
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Hey Vegas we understand you’ve just taken charge at Hamilton’s
and can now film quality Youtube clips, thereby opening up a market that
famous Porch recording studio. What inspired you to take the reins
goes beyond just recording bands (you could be a magician with new
at Porch? I was around for the building of the studio, and have recorded
tricks to show to the world or maybe a comedian?). Bands can stream
three albums there, one of which went gold. There is a lot of my blood,
their recording session to their websites or whatever social media format
sweat, tears and creativity in those walls so why not me. You just had
they want or collect the footage to edit a music video from. My favourite
your grand re opening/ open day? How did the day go down? Was
is filming live performances, I just love the raw energy of playing together
it a success? The open day was a huge success in so many ways. The
in one room. This opens up studio recording to cover bands also. As the
Mayor, Julie Hardacker, officially re-opened the Porch with me. This has
entertainment manager for the Whitianga Scallop Fest, I am bombarded
opened up dialogue between her and myself about how we can make
with links to crappy phone-in-the-crowd clips that are distorted and dark.
our music scene thrive and stand out from the rest, while creating an
These clips are not conducive to a professional image and are often not
industry that is self sustainable. A lot of people nowadays are recording
taken seriously. Professionally recorded demo CD's are not taken seriously
their own music on home computers etc etc for very little cost. Why
either as bands don't sound like a fully produced single or album. So the
do you think a studio is still important? I think you mean, people are
best way to show what you’re made of is a professional live audio/film
assembling music out of pre-recorded samples on their laptops. To me,
capture. The Porch will also be launching our own Youtube channel and the
that is like heating up a microwave dinner and trying to say you made it
artists featured on this will be invited by the Porch. Who are some local
all from scratch. Just because we have pre-packaged meals that we can
Hamilton/Waikato bands/musicians that excite you? Who would you
just nuke and eat doesn't mean we don't need chefs any more. It’s the
really love to work with this year? Set the Cycle, WW1V, Katchafire,
same with studios. Real music will never stop being recorded. You just
Coral Pitcher, Devilskin, Radiator (I heard MAMASAID may head back into
can’t emulate the creative environment of a studio. You guys filmed all
the studio), Hamilton County Bluegrass Band and of course Knights of
the performances at your recent open day. Is filming of the bands
the Dub Table and many more. If we want to get in touch with you re.
who are recording going to be a regular thing for the Porch or was
recording at the Porch what's the best way of doing so? Get in touch
it a special one-off for the open day? Yes, we did film about 10 quality
with me at vegas@vegasbrown.com
artists/bands. Yes, this is a regular thing. We have bought a set of go pro's
More at sounzgood.co.nz.
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Play safe. Triple bag. This week’s sexual position is the “Soundscape” It’s when you fuck someone with epilepsy under a strobe light.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
It’s all about consequence-free sex this week. You’re young. You’re responsible(ish) and it’s time you had a bit of fun with someone who means nothing to you. This week’s sexual position of choice is the “Easter Rising” or “The Second Cumming.” This one is pretty self-explanatory, you get nailed so hard you don’t rise again for three days.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Allowing yourself to love and trust is a huge step but don’t be too trusting, there are some things even a steady application of yogurt won’t cure. This week’s sexual position of choice is the “Paula Bennett”. It’s where you seem to be enjoying yourself and having a good time and then all of a sudden you get fucked by someone who is in a different room.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This week love will come in many forms for you but sex will only come in three minute intervals. They have a pill for that, just make sure you choose the right one. This week’s sexual position of choice is either the “Blue Pill” or the “Red Pill”. Either take the blue pill and wake up in your bed believing whatever you want to believe, or take the red pill and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
HOROSCOPES
Sometimes sex can be like watching Pitch Perfect. Sure it’s fun and you know all the lines but you don’t really want anyone to judge you so you end up doing it alone in the dark. This week’s sexual position of choice is the “Posh Man.”
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This week is all about discovering yourself. There is plenty of time for sex, but how much time do you ever make for you? This week’s sexual position of choice is the “Catholic Priest.” You abstain from sex and eat Mars bars instead.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
This week you should love like no one is watching. Mainly because no one is watching. It isn’t always about you, fucking narcissistic Virgos. Your sexual position of choice is the “Theon Greyjoy” where you sit in a corner and wish you could masturbate.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Someday we will all find the love of our lives. The guy or girl that completes us and all the sexual history that preceded them seems to melt away into insignificance. I guess what I am saying is that you shouldn’t feel bad about having sex with those deviants from College Hall because one day it will all mean nothing. This week’s sexual position is the “Norovirus” it’s where you work your way through Student Village and Bryant Hall leaving a path of carnage, destruction and the occasional uncontrollable bowel movement in your wake.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This week you have come to the conclusion that love is over-rated and was invented by someone who couldn’t afford good weed. Your need to find someone sexually compatible will only extend as far as the couch, you have better shit to do. Your sexual position of choice is “Shitting where you eat.” You know it’s a mistake with long term consequences but you also know it’s better to fuck a flattie than it is to fuck a fatty.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Travel broadens your sexual horizons but be careful because it may have unintended consequences. This week’s sexual position is the “Unpaid Student Loan,” it’s where you get fucked by someone at border security the moment you land.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Everyone has to kiss a few frogs before they meet a prince but be careful which ones you choose to lick because some of them will make you see double. This week’s sexual position of choice is the “The Princess Bride.” This is where you fuck a farmer but you make him dress up like a pirate so no one knows you’re working class.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
There is nothing wrong with waiting for that special person to come along. Sometimes you just wish they would hurry up and arrive. You don’t have a sexual position you just have the “Angry Smurf” because you also have blue balls.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
nexus magazine
Baby Making Music BEATS BY J
Silk / Lose Control
Freak Me
Dr. Hook / The Best of Dr. Hook
Sexy Eyes
Eric Clapton / Classic Eric Clapton
Wonderful Tonight
When a Man Loves a Woman Percy Sledge
J. Holiday / Back of My Lac'
Bed
Usher / My Way
Nice & Slow
Marvin Gaye / The Best of Marvin Gaye
Let's Get It On
Let Me Love You Mario
Marvin Gaye / Number One's
Sexual Healing
Rihanna / Talk that Talk
Cockiness (Love It)
Brian McKnight / Bill Meyers Back at One
Frank Ocean / channel ORANGE Thinkin Bout You
Ne-Yo / Because Of You Sexy Love
Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Babe
Barry White / Golden Moments
Grover Washington / Jr. / Bill Withers
Just the Two of Us
Smokey Robinson / The Ultimate Collection
Cruisin'
Rihanna / Loud
Skin
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nexus magazine
AUTEUR HOUSE PRESENTS MICKEY ROONEY Auteur Dr Richard Swainson
When Mickey Rooney died at age 93 in early April it closed several
obnoxious even, and don't the girls love it! Dated but not without period
chapters of Hollywood history. His 88 year career ranged from the silent
fascination.
era to after the digital revolution. From 1939 to 1941 Rooney was the
4. National Velvet (1943) - the film that made Elizabeth Taylor a star also
biggest star in the world yet his post-war fortunes were mixed. Bankrupt,
has a great supporting part for our man. Rooney is again much more
eight times married, eight times divorced, his partying lifestyle gave way
acceptable in roles where he doesn't overact.
to a sometimes intolerant Christian fundamentalism. If frequent co-star Judy Garland became a gay icon, Rooney was no friend to homosexuals. Auteur House only stocks a small portion of Rooney's 338 films and
man's syndrome. Dr Freud would approve.
television shows. Frankly, only a handful are worth watching. Few stars
6. Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961) - Rooney as a buck-toothed Japanese
had as much raw talent as Rooney and none were so consistently ill used.
stereotype! By today's standards this is the height of political incorrect-
Compounding the problem is that the four key musicals he made with
ness. Hilarious.
Judy Garland - Babes in Arms, Strike Up the Band, Babes on Broadway
7. Pulp (1972) - parodying his work in Baby Face Nelson as well as the
and Girl Crazy - are unavailable on DVD in this country. Here are ten
wider vanity of Hollywood, Rooney displays hitherto unseen subtlety and
other suggestions:
wit. What a shame that his character is killed off so early.
1. A Midsummer Night's Dream (1935) - the 15 year old Rooney makes
8. That's Entertainment (1974) - Rooney is the least smug of several stars
for a truly brilliant Puck, rivalled only by James Cagney's Bottom. The first
of yesteryear who introduce clips from Tinsel Town's musical prime. The
Hollywood sound treatment of Shakespeare is inconsistent but comes
best of the work with Garland can be seen in this documentary, though
alive whenever the young actor is on screen.
the black face numbers are edited severely.
2. Captains Courageous (1937) - a sentimental Kipling adaptation for
9. The Black Stallion (1979) - an excellent piece of family entertainment
which Spencer Tracy won his first Oscar. Rooney plays second fiddle to a
that began Rooney's early 80s renaissance, garnering him his fourth and
then bigger child star Freddie Bartholomew, underplaying more than usual.
final Oscar nomination.
3. Love Finds Andy Hardy (1938) - the fourth instalment in the longrunning series which made Rooney a box office champion. Andy is brash,
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5. Baby Face Nelson (1957) - available only on Youtube, this B-grade classic sees Rooney at a career low-point, playing the title role. A study in short
nexusmag.co.nz
10. Night at the Museum (2006) - Rooney's last A-picture of note. One third of a bumbling trio of villains, at 86 he's still got it.
nexus magazine
PAST & FUTURE Arts & Stuff Peter Dornauf
Before there was a Fiftieth Waikato University Anniversary there was
on which my father worked, (number Five Dairy). The old cowshed was
a Fortieth. How do I know apart from the bleedin’ obvious? There is a
converted into the Student Union building/second hand bookshop etc. and
marker outside the Performing Arts Academy that says so. It’s a sculpture
retained the name, Cowshed. Even that has now vanished.
by New Zealand artist Paul Dibble, a large bronze feather leaning up against
Musing on all things temporary and ephemeral, it seems that life
a plinth, and is positioned at the front of the Academy. Incidentally a much
becomes a series of losses. As Schopenhauer once said, “We shall do
smaller version of the same thing is currently for sale at Aesthete Gallery,
best to think of life as a process of disillusionment.” The forest is gone
Victoria Street. Perhaps something the University might want to purchase.
along with the native birds, much of old Maori culture, along with the
Anyway, the piece was obviously commissioned by the University to celebrate the Fortieth anniversary and stands several metres tall, emblematic at first glance of anything from the ducks that live nearby to the more literary notion of a quill and thus a reference to the arts themselves. Looking closer and a little harder, the feather appears like it once
“...THE QUILL/FEATHER PREFIGURES BOTH THE NEW PRESENT AS MUCH AS THE OLD PAST.”
belonged to the Huia bird, now extinct and hence a reminder of things past, gone and forever lost. Maori prized the feathers and wore them in their hair as a sign of prestige and mana. All that has gone too. Perhaps
farm, the cowshed, my birth place, my father. All that remains are the few
the bird flew through the area when it was forested with huge native
feathers of memory.
trees, but of course none of that remains either. Thus the feather takes
Of course doors open as others close and so the quill/feather prefigures
on symbolic connotations to do with time and memory and the passing
both the new present as much as the old past. It looks backward and
of things once treasured.
forward, Janus-like, at the same time, so conceptually Dibble has pulled
Thinking of things from a long lost past while walking from Knighton
off a clever thing, satisfying both aspiration and contemplation in the one
Road onto the campus toward the Academy, I recalled that I was born and
singular image. Maybe the University can produce a philosopher, quill in
lived for a short while in one of the old houses (now demolished) not far
hand, who can help reconcile the duality that confronts the human species,
from what became the Student Village.
thrown into the world as Heidegger once said, with time gobbling things
The campus was once a farm belonging to Ruakura Research Station
up and spitting them out as it goes.
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PHOTOGRAPH: SCOOTER GANG IN KOH SAMUI, BRITTANY MORISON
nexus magazine
THAILAND Overseas Experience Brittany Morison
Where did you travel? Thailand – South East Asia. We started off in
What are your 'must do' things while at this place? I would recommend
However, we jumped the border into four other countries (Vietnam,
that you check out the islands on the East Coast of Thailand, they are
Cambodia, Laos and Myanmar) on our two and a half-month visit to South
beautiful and there is a lot to explore. We hired scooters which made it a lot
East Asia. How many people did you travel with or did you travel
easier to get about. It is also really cheap to go snorkeling or scuba diving
alone? I traveled with one of my really good friends from high school;
if that’s what you’re into. What was something unexpected? How much
the two of us did everything together for the whole trip. I was very lucky
time you spend on public transport. I would say every bus trip took double
because she is such an easy going chick that we didn’t have any problems
the predicted time, the drivers are CRAZY and the roads are not exactly
on deciding where to go or what to do. It was also awesome when it came
smooth. It’s best to chill, have your iPod fully charged and not be too
to booking accommodation because the two of us could share a bed and
bothered if you arrive at your destination a day later than expected. What
we never had any problems with finding a place to stay for a cheap price.
was the biggest lesson you learnt while travelling or what would you
Over New Year we did meet up with a crew of people for the full moon
have done differently in hindsight? Biggest lesson we learnt was not to
party in Koh Phangan. This was the only thing that we pre booked as it
book anything ahead (apart from New Year bookings). We never had any
can be a bit hectic around New Year. Why did you choose this particular
trouble booking flights, buses, trains or boats between cities and countries;
destination? We decided to go to South East Asia as it is cheap, hot and
we also never arrived in a place and had trouble finding accommodation,
the culture is amazing. What were the highlights of your trip? Trekking
regardless of the hour in the morning. The most frustrating thing was when
North of Chiang Mai was a definite highlight, the jungles are beautiful and
we were tricked into pre-booking one of the branches of our trips as it
it’s a bit cooler the more North you travel. We had a really cool group with
was the ‘busy season’ and working out that we had been ripped off a few
people from all around the world and our Thai guides were hilarious. There
hundred dollars. Be wary of people trying to sell you trips on the streets.
was continuous laughter the whole trip. It was also nice to get out into
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the country and explore the small villages where there were fewer tourists.
Thailand flying into Bangkok and ended back in Bangkok to fly home.
nexusmag.co.nz
nexus magazine
EAMON MCENEANEY Awesome Dead Person Christie Shaw
LOGICAL FLOURISHES & CONUNDRUMS Awesome Dead Person Mike Bilodeau
September 11, 2001 was one of those days when you remember exactly where you were and what you were doing. I remember my brother waking me up and telling me there had been a bomb. That was to be the first of many times I heard the word ‘terrorist’ bandied about on the news. I, along with countless others, would never have dreamed of anything like this happening. But for Eamon McEneaney he did better than just knowing about it: he predicted his own death. On September 11 Eamon suffered a fit of vertigo for the first time in years. His concerned wife asked him to stay home but ‘determined and dutiful’ Eamon went regardless of the anxiety he felt. A year earlier Eamon and his brother had discussed all the ways they would evacuate their staff from the 105th floor of the North Tower of the World Trade Centre, as if it was more than a conspiracy theory that the towers could be attacked again as had occurred in 1993. Eamon had begun admonishing his wife saying, “You’d better start applying more discipline to the children,” and when she told him to stop being silly he retorted, “I’m not going to be here that long, you’ll find out…” And so it went that Eamon died, leaving a wife and four young children behind. Later in the year a police officer arrived on the door with Eamon’s wedding ring, four interlocking gold bands, in a plush velvet box. When looking for a gravesite for Eamon, his wife followed a heron in the cemetery, which appeared again months later at the service. Eamon’s wife is now writing a book with stories of people whose relatives have had supernatural experiences before or after their deaths in 9/11. Whether or not you believe that Eamon predicted his own death, if you see a heron whilst on a rollercoaster getting vertigo I’d start asking questions.
Christopher Hitchens was that smarmy, drunken, arrogant Englishman that you can’t help but love to hate. You know your aggressive, wannabe edgy friend who likes to take controversial stances to gain some form of notoriety amongst their asshole peers? Christopher Hitchens is that kid’s wet dream. Taking his firm place as both political commentator and renowned ‘anti-theist’, he has been publicly outspoken about the hypocrisy surrounding previously untouched figures such as Princess Diana and Mother Theresa (who he described as ‘Hell’s Angel’ in his book entitled ‘The Missionary Position’). The worst part about it though... is he can actually argue you into believing it. Even as a completely impartial viewer/reader, I leave the experience feeling furiously out-researched, outsmarted and out-Hitched. Without going into too much detail, trust me that he is bathed in prestigious literary awards and praises and has an impressive resume for his writing career. But for you newcomers to Hitch-dom, start with watching him on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Now, Stewart is no stranger to confrontation himself (watch the interview with him on Crossfire. If nothing else, he at least makes fun of a foetus-looking interviewer in a bow-tie). However, seeing someone come onto his show with a completely contrary approach to their main topic (the war in Iraq) and still leave with the full respect of Stewart was an experience to be sure. Christopher Hitchens died on 15th December on 2011 due to oesophageal cancer as a result of his hard-livin’ lifetime of drinking and smoking. His post-diagnostic interview with Anderson Cooper was one of the most enlightening pieces regarding the 5 stages of being diagnosed with a terminal illness which I have ever seen. And for as asshole-y and… generally round as he is, he is my gay literary crush (we’ve all got one, right?)
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nexus magazine
Tinder Surprise RACHAEL ELLIOTT
Our Editor reports on her Tinder experiences for your amusement. The founders of Tinder say it’s a way to meet new friends but every- • People who just wanted to know why I was wearing a tiara and flipping one I’ve talked to says it’s to find yourself a Tinder Surprise- some
the bird:
anonymous sex. From a distance it looks like the shallowest way to get
“Why are you so angry? Be happy!”
laid I’ve ever come across. You see someone’s name, age and a couple of
“Where did you get your tiara from?”
pictures then ask yourself- is that a face I’d like to sit on? But is that true? I’m not sure I’m the best person to be writing this feature. I’m not really into this reducing whole human beings to just their face, (or ass) but it is true that physical appearance plays a part in attraction. I’m not into casual sex and I highly doubt you can meet someone for anything more than that on an app… but friends have managed it. Also, I’m not sure if I saw just a couple of Facebook photos of my ex that we would have got together. But then I remembered how well that turned out. So I signed into Tinder. I chose a photo of me pulling the fingers wearing
“Bad day sexy?” • Cliché or lame pick-up lines, such as: “Is your personality as angelic as your hair?” “Aww princess you don't need to be on Tinder, you are way too pretty for that.” “Do you have a band-aid? I skinned my knee falling for you” “Looks like I’ve found the one, I should delete Tinder now.” • But overwhelmingly I got offers of sex. Some came right out with it: “Hey, we should have sex”
my ‘fuck the world’ tiara, because a friend said I looked dead inside in the
“You’re so cute, we should totally have sex.”
picture (which I thought was a fair representation of how I felt about being
“Let’s skip the small talk, want the D?”
on the app). And I started swiping. I noticed a few patterns: Boys drinking Waikato. Boys playing on kid’s playgrounds. Boys with
“Do you take it up the arse? Sorry, I know that’s rude, it’s just my ex wouldn’t and I don’t want to go through that again.”
promo girls. Boys with their pets. Boys with shiny cars. Boys with their ex- • Others were less direct but the end result was the same- offers for sex: girlfriends. Boys taking selfies at the gym. Boys taking selfies at the beach.
“-Hey, you look hot
Boys taking selfies. Boys showing off their tattoos. Boys with their children.
-Thanks
Boys doing various kinds of water sports. Boys at weddings.
-What’s your number/snapchat?
I discovered I’m a horrendous snob. But isn’t that part of Tinder? That you get to be a horrible snob and no one knows? That guy looks like a
-How about we just chat on here for a bit. -Ok. I’d like to cum on your face. Can I have your number?”
creepo- nope. A guy with a beer and a hot wheels car- nope. Guy dressed
I really wanted someone to ask me if I’d sit on their face so I could ask
as a sexy nun- nope. Anyone who says “I’m awesome to the max” is out.
if their nose was bigger than their dick, but they didn’t. Also, I found out
Anyone with an Outback photo as their pic is out. My favourite part is the
that guys are quite keen on sending pictures of their junk to you. It’s nice
big orange NOPE that comes up on the screen when you say no. I quite
they’re proud.
enjoyed saying no and not getting any backlash for it. No one told me to smile, or chill out, or give them a chance. I got to say nope nope nope. I swiped right on a guy dancing with fire. I swiped right on a guy pulling the fingers because even though he wasn’t wearing a tiara, I felt he might
Tinder’s a bit of a mixed bag really. Perhaps I gave up too soon, but it wasn’t really for me. I’ve got several friends who met people on Tinder that they’re still dating, so it is possible- but looks to me like you have to wade through a lot of ego to get there.
be a kindred spirit. I swiped right on a guy with a leopard print hoodie
Why can’t people just offer to buy coffee for people they like on campus?
because I hoped I could somehow steal his leopard print hoodie. Then
Say something like “Hey, that colour really works on you, can I buy you a
I decided that this attitude was not going to get the feature written so I
coffee?” Why do we have to have weird slightly anonymous apps where
stopped being so judgemental and swiped yes to a bunch of guys who
people judge you on a couple of pictures and send inappropriate things
were age appropriate and didn’t look too axe-murder-y.
to you? Maybe I’m old. Maybe I really am just dead inside. If you want
Results:
to try Tinder my advice is to get drunk with your mates first because a
• No one can fucking spell anymore. I can’t bring myself to give examples
few wines make unsolicited cock photos and offers for anal sex hilarious
of this, it’s too painful.
instead of creepy.
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Sex-capades of an Awkward White Boy CARL UNTERNAHRER
Carl leads us down the twisted path that chronicles the sexual misadventures of a weedy white guy. So instead of writing about the pathetically short list
To this Nameless Girl replies by hopping to her feet, grab-
of the times that I have got laid, I will instead focus on
bing Awkward White Boy by the hand and hauling him away
the much longer (but equally embarrassing) list of the
inside.
times that I almost got laid but didn’t. If you usually only
With a purposeful stride, Nameless girl selects an empty
read the Blind Date Column and this article's title happened
room, pushes Awkward White Boy onto the bed and leaps
to catch your eye, then the chances are you are looking
on top of him. She kneels upright astride his pelvis and a
for a cringe-inducing tale of shame and disappointment
sensuous finger traces its way around the engorged cock
anyway. I am more than qualified to provide.
his stomach and up on to hers, where it hooks into her
It is a balmy evening in a charming little suburb notorious
clothing and begins to lift up her shirt. And just as cloth is
for containing Hamilton's highest concentration of pit-bulls,
surrendering to skin, the door crashes open and Nameless
tinny-houses and gang-pads. Oblivious to these fun-facts,
Girl's friend enters, yelling, “Our ride's here! Time to go!”
one Awkward White Boy is busy downing a mixture of
Nameless Girl pauses, the bottom of her shirt raised
Woodys, Coronas and raspberry KGBs at a house party.
to a point just under her breasts. She looks at Awkward
His shirt has mysteriously disappeared and a large penis
White Boy then to her friend and then back again. Then
drawn in black vivid has appeared on his chest. Cue entry of Nameless Girl. While most facts about Nameless Girl are lost to the mists of time, she was assuredly beautiful – albeit in a blurry kind of way.
she shrugs, hops up and says, “Well, see ya!” And before Awkward White Boy realises what is happening she has disappeared forever. This turned out to be good timing on her part, as a short
Awkward White Boy and Nameless Girl get to talking. By
while later I proceeded to vomit all over the toilet, bath-
'talking' we mean that the pair lean woozily against each
room, back steps, garden and front yard. When I came-to
other while Nameless Girl slurs something and Awkward
at around 5am, I was wrapped in a tarpaulin and had been
White Boy tries to avoid breathing too heavily. With moves
deposited on top of the trampoline.
as smooth as these, it is no surprise that the pair soon find themselves sloppily making-out in a patch of damp grass next to the chilly-bin. This continues for an indeterminate amount of time until someone jovially calls out, “Get a room already!”
22
and balls that decorate his torso. The finger travels down
So let’s start with my first sexual misfire (so to speak).
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After that night I decided that binge-drinking was awesome and resolved to do it more often. Oh dear... I was going to tell more stories but it looks like I've gone and prematurely blown my word limit. Sorry to disappoint.
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Reality Check: Living with an STI THE TYPE OF GIRL THAT GETS HERPES
Find out what it's really like when your STI screen comes back positiveand what happens next. The door snaps closed behind me. I choose a seat as far
No one wants an STI. They’re variously painful, embar-
from the doctor as possible. She taps at the computer, so
rassing or gross. Everyone knows who gets STIs. People
I get the chance to stare at her. Her hair is the kind of curly
who deserve it: sluts, players, people who shop for a bed
that would turn into an afro if she let it. It’s cut short around
by trying out a new one every weekend. Let’s face it- even
her ears and pinned up into a severe bun at the back. She
the word ‘discharge’ is disgusting. And herpes is one of the
wears a long skirt. She looks motherly. She looks like she’s
worst: recurring cold sores on the genitals. Forever. Not
good at her job.
something you want to get your face next to.
“You’ve come back positive for herpes simplex virus, type
It is estimated that 1 in 6 people have the herpes simplex
two.” She turns back to her computer, reading. “You don’t
virus. Of those, up to 80% are asymptomatic- they may
have Chlamydia or Gonorrhoea which is a shame really
have no idea they have the condition. Look around your
because we could have treated those easily… Here’s a
lecture theatre. One in six people- and most of them don’t
pamphlet.” I stare at smiling people on the cover and won-
know they have it. They don’t even test for it when you get
der why they would agree to put their face on such a thing. “Do you have any questions?” I want to laugh in her face. I have a million questions. Not sure she can answer them
So unlike a lot of people, and unlike the doctor that diag-
though. The doctor takes my silence and fills it with a smirk.
nosed me, I’m not going to tell you that you’re wrong or
“Herpes is very common, most people don’t know that they have it. The only sure way of not contracting it is to abstain from sexual activity.”
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an STI screen- so you could have come back all clear when you got tested and still have herpes.
dirty, slutty or that you deserved it. I’m going to tell you, you’re not alone. My herpes strikes when I’m already feeling insecure and
“But we got tested, we came back fine.”
stressed out. The more I stress, the longer they last. The
“Oh we don’t test for herpes unless you’re showing symp-
first clue is usually pain while urinating. It feels exactly like
toms. Same with genital warts. You’re more likely to have
when someone pours disinfectant on a big gravel graze, but
those too, so make sure you book a smear with the nurse.”
in the softest part of yourself. The burning lasts for hours.
“Why is it more likely? Are they the same virus?”
Then it’s days of uncomfortable walking, dreading going to
“No, it’s just the type of person who has herpes is gener-
the toilet, trying to hide your Zovirax and making excuses
ally the type of person that has warts too.” She opens the
so you don’t have to have sex. Of course my boyfriend
door. “If you have any questions make sure you ring and
knows about them. But I feel too ashamed to come right
make an appointment.”
out and tell him when they strike. You think farting in bed
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is the most unsexy thing a girl can do? Try saying “Not
and disgusting. It’s feeling like they somehow define you
tonight, the weeping sores on my vagina are too painful
as less, like no one will ever want to touch you because
and the idea of someone touching me right now while I am
you’re diseased.
so dirty and disgusting and low makes me want to crawl
So objectively- this is what having herpes is like.
into a hole and die.”
Sometimes, when I got run down, about 5 times a year,
That first conversation about it is the hardest one to have.
I used to get what is called a flare. This was usually one
You have to time it just right- before any serious sexual
sore, smaller than a 5c piece. Apart from peeing, unless it
contact but after you trust the person enough to keep your
was somewhere that rubbed, I barely noticed. I’d abstain
secret- the one that could break you wide open. There are
from sex for a week or so while it healed, because you can
so many ‘what if’s. What if I timed this wrong? What if he
be infectious for up to 14 days around a flare, but honestly,
won’t want me anymore? What if he yells at me? What if
I’d hardly ever wait that long. I’ve had 5 sexual partners
he laughs at me, calls me dirty, tells all his friends and they
since I was diagnosed, all of whom knew I had it, and none
laugh and laugh? What if he says he doesn’t care? What
of them have ever caught it. (Apparently it’s more com-
if I give them to him? What if we get right to the point of
mon for men to pass herpes onto women than the other
“YOU CAN GET HERPES THE NIGHT YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY. YOU CAN GET THEM FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND OF THREE MONTHS. YOU CAN GET THEM FROM THAT GUY OR GIRL IN THE BAR. YOU CAN GET THEM WITHOUT PENETRATION. YOU CAN GET THEM EVEN IF YOU’RE USING A CONDOM.”
contact, my body singing open and he can’t touch me after
way around for some reason.) After my initial experience
all? What if I break up with him and he tells everyone? What
I was hesitant to talk to my new doctor about it, because
if everyone finds out? What if I can’t push out my baby in
I was afraid I’d be judged again. But last year I mentioned
case it gets my herpes from the birth? What if the reason
it during a check-up and my new doctor was amazing. She
no one can ever love me is that I’m diseased? What if I
recommended a maintenance dose of Acyclovir (the active
actually do deserve them?
ingredient in Zovirax) and I haven’t had a flare since- in over
Hold it. Deserve herpes? What a load of crap. You know
a year. Essentially, herpes are no longer relevant to my life.
who gets herpes? People who have sex. (And, let’s be hon-
So if you’re feeling ashamed because you’ve caught
est- most of us are having sex.) You can get herpes the
herpes, (or any STI), you don’t need to. If you’re sexually
night you lose your virginity. You can get them from your
active, you’ll likely come across something at some point,
boyfriend of three months. You can get them from that guy
and it really isn’t a big deal. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t
or girl in the bar. You can get them without penetration.
be careful, get tested and wear condoms- but it does
You can get them even if you’re using a condom. Herpes
mean that you shouldn’t hate on yourself, or anyone else
are not a big deal. The big deal is the emotional fall-out.
for getting an STI. People with STIs aren’t a type- they’re
It’s hearing jokes about how people with herpes are foul
just people.
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Victoria's Secret INTERVIEW BY RACHAEL ELLIOTT
Victoria* (not her real name) works as a ‘Parlour Girl’ in Auckland. She talks to Nexus about what her job is really like. How did you get into sex work? I researched it for about
have an orgasm, the least you can do is wash it with soap
three years before I started, reading any material I could
and make it smell nice! I'll also check out your tackle (and
lay my hands on about it: bibliographies, autobiographies,
mouth if we are doing the ‘Girlfriend Experience’) to make
history, and whatever I could find on the internet. A new
sure nothing health wise is going on.
flatmate told me that she had Worked in the past and was
Depending on the amount of time we have, I might do
thinking about working again, and I decided to join her. She
a little strip tease... then a body slide to get things started,
left after a few months; I stayed, and have happily kept
then a blowjob, maybe a bit of boobie play if you're lucky.
going ever since!
Then the fun part: SEX! 1-3 positions are always good. If
What assumptions do people usually make about your line of work? 1. It's 'easy money' cos all you have to do is 'lie there'. In reality it's long hours - most shifts are between 8-10-12 hours long. In the room, you have to constantly monitor:
we have time afterwards, a nice relaxing back massage. Every night is a little different - you never know who you will meet, what stories you will hear, what experiences you will share. I have a few clients who come to see me regularly, and I always look forward to seeing them. :)
what is the time? What is the client's mood? Where are
Do your friends and family know what you do? I’d
his hands? Where is the condom? Where is the lube? What
say about 98% of my friends know. Most went: "Oh ok,
does he actually want? Is he responding the way you want?
cool! Yeah... I can see you doing that." And then usually a
If not, why? etc. And as for just lying there, nothing will
few questions. I have awesome friends! None of my family
lose you work faster than that!
know, unfortunately. They are too stuck in a narrow view
2. I'm being forced into it by a male.
of the world and how people should be, and they are not
It has ALWAYS been my decision.
willing to change their paradigm. It would irrevocably dam-
3. I'm on drugs.
age our relationship, so for me, it's not worth telling them.
Nope, just not my thing. I don't smoke either. I do how-
Why do you enjoy your job? It gives me the freedom to
ever, drink a little with friends every so often.
do what I want to do in life. It means I can earn a good liv-
4. That all clients are perverted, dirty men.
ing, despite my medical issues (I have bad RSI in both arms,
Clients rage in all ages over 18, all sorts of jobs and all
which makes it impossible to hold down a mainstream full
sorts of needs from just a cuddle and female companion-
time job, although I still do mainstream work part-time). I
ship to something more kinky and racy that they feel unable
have flexible working hours, I have a huge amount of auton-
to share with anyone else. Also remember that people with
omy in what I do, the pay is good, and my co-workers are
disabilities still have sexual needs and a sex worker is usu-
pretty cool people to work with- so, pretty much what most
ally their only chance of getting this important emotional
people would like in a job I think. And yes, I do enjoy sex!
need met.
I think it's important to point out that a lot of people want
What happens in the room? Shower first: compulsory.
to pigeon hole sex workers into two polarizing positions:
I'm putting my head down there and will be making you
either you have to be the 'happy hooker' and LOVE your job,
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or you are the 'poor female victim' and you HATE your job.
dressing in a skirt does.
I think most sex worker’s reality is actually pretty much like
This industry is one of the few that consistently through-
everyone else who has a job: there are good days and bad
out history has been run by women, employs vastly more
days, but most days are somewhere in between. I have yet
women than men, and has enabled women to bring up
to find someone whose job is so amazing that every day
their children, get an education and provide for themselves
is perfect. Every job has its ups and downs, that's just life!
without relying on a man. I'd consider that feminist.
What is your ‘worst’ client like? The most frustrating
Have your ever had any health scares at work? I've
thing a client can say is "but I want YOU to have a good
had two: tests for HIV, and another time chlamydia came
time/I want to make YOU orgasm". If you really want to give
back 'uncertain'. Both times, the testing machines were
me a good time, massage my calves!
at fault and repeat tests were clear. I've had one broken
Most women don't have a 1-2-3 system of getting them
condom, but subsequent tests were all clear. I've also had
off. A lot of the time it's the brain between the ears you
thrush a couple of times, especially in the summer, which
need to stimulate. Also remember that if this is the first
is very common for women. I get a full sexual health check
time I'm seeing you, I'm probably not going to be relaxed
every 3 months. I'd say my main health problem is lack
enough to truly orgasm.
of sleep!
Rubbing my clit is annoying - remember I've had 2-3
Advice for people who might want to try this career?
“...MOST SEX WORKER’S REALITY IS ACTUALLY PRETTY MUCH LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS A JOB: THERE ARE GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS, BUT MOST DAYS ARE SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN. ”
clients before you, or will have after you. If I let all clients
out. No? Probably not for you then.
fingering. OUCH. Fingernails cut and hurt. Not to mention
2. SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE.
transfer of dirt from under the fingernails (eww!). Going
3. Read EVERYTHING you can get your hands on about the
down on me isn't that enjoyable either. If you really want
industry. Go to the library and read all the books on the sex
to do all that though, at least have the courtesy to offer to
industry. Read the history of it. Search online for blogs and
pay extra for it.
theses and essays on the subject.
Are you a feminist and if so, how do you respond
4. Go to the NZPC (New Zealand Prostitutes Collective) and
to people who think what you're doing perpetuates
have a chat with them. They are so helpful, and will be able
patriarchal expectations (objectifying women, women
to answer your questions and give you info.
as sex objects) etc. I do consider myself a feminist. I
5. Pay your taxes.
believe that it's 'your life, your body, your choice' whether
6. Make sure you have a balance between work and time
that pertains to religion, birth control/abortion, or sex work,
off. It's important to look after yourself.
it should be your (informed as much as possible) choice.
7. Your health is your number one priority. Learn about safer
I think that it perpetuates patriarchal expectations as
28
1. Are you comfortable with a one night stand? Yes? Try it
do this, it becomes physically very painful. Same thing for
sex - it's not just about 'putting on a condom'.
much as choosing to be a stay at home mum does, or
8. Budget and plan ahead. Do not fall into the trap of think-
embracing the vintage lifestyle, or doing burlesque, or
ing that you will earn X amount every night. You won't.
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The Power in the Pussy AUNTY SLUT
Self love is important to Aunty Slut and she thinks you all deserve as many orgasms as you like without relying on anyone else. While most guys will talk fairly openly about rubbing
orgasm. Menstrual cramps? Have an orgasm. Bored? Have
one out without a hint of embarrassment, a mention
an orgasm! Shit, have ten orgasms! Life is too short to not
of female masturbation (or worse- vibrators) generally
feel that good over and over again.
results in one woman openly talking about it (usually
There are a lot of myths around the use of sex toys- per-
Aunty Slut), one woman smiling slyly and not saying
petuated by people who are scared what might happen
much and a great chorus of other girls in the room
if we all start embracing the power of the pussy. Some
protesting way too much. ‘It’s just wrong!’ They cry. ‘It’s
people think that vibrators ‘ruin’ women for sex without
weird and gross! I could never do that!’
them- that the intense vibrations might desensitise the
But my darlings- please come forth into a sexy revolution:
vagina, or that the vagina will ‘wear out’ by playing with
too many of you ladies are sexually repressed. Despite the
toys. To them I ask- does driving ruin you for walking? Of
saturation of sexualised images of women in the media,
course not. Same goes for orgasms with and without vibra-
real female sexuality is still taboo in our culture and reli-
tors- one will just get you there a bit quicker. I’m not sure
gious or social beliefs often leave us feeling guilty about
how many times we’re going to have to tell people that
indulging in a spot of self-pleasure. It makes Aunty Slut cry
sex can’t wear your vagina out, no matter who or what
for all the poor repressed lady-bits.
you’re having it with, but I’ll say it again- vaginas come
So let’s talk about this infamous Clitoris. Many guys claim
in all shapes and sizes and are elastic- they bounce back.
they can’t find it which is shame because with more than
Tightness is about genetics and sexual arousal- not about
twice the number of nerve endings than a penis, the clitoris
how much sex someone has. Anyone telling you different
is the only organ that exists purely for pleasure- and it’s not
is a fucking douche-bag (give me their names and I’ll sort
a button, it’s a freaking iceberg. The clit is actually a mostly
them out, quick smart).
internal organ that can extend up to nine centimetres. It
Some women find they can’t orgasm without intense cli-
wraps around the vagina internally as well peeking out from
toral stimulation like the kind you get from a vibrator. This
the clitoral hood (the small part you can see). So all you
is completely normal- often penetrative sex doesn’t provide
people complaining you can’t find the damn thing need to
enough clit bumping to get a girl over the edge.
have a think about how much effort you’ve really put into it!
The only myth that could be true is that you might get
Far from being weird and gross, female masturbation is
addicted to your vibrator- and what a shame! Your vibrator
normal, good for you and a great way to spend a rainy eve-
won’t make you fat, sick or cost you hundreds of dollars
ning. Or day. Or a sunny afternoon. Whatever- it’s a good
each week. You don’t have to pick up your vibrator from
thing. The market for vibrators is ever expanding and the
the dodgy tinny house with the scary dogs outside and
range is impressive. And while the marketing, especially for
you can’t be arrested for having one. This addiction is a
the cheaper models, is often organised by boys- the words
great stress reliever: vibrators are a great way to learn what
‘probe’, ‘ream’ and ‘slam’ do nothing for me- the truth is
feels good for you and you can gain confidence finding out
that a good vibrator is a girl’s best friend. Can’t sleep? Have
exactly what does it for you- which means you can share
an orgasm. Stressed about that test tomorrow? Have an
that information with the someone special in your life.
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5 Must Dos for Vibrator Purchasing AUNTY SLUT’S SEX TOY REVIEW
Aunty Slut provides tips and tricks for buying the right buzz, and reviews some of the options on the market. 1) Size doesn’t matter. If you haven’t used a vibrator
fail the more you spend the better it will be. More expen-
before start small- like with a purely external bullet toy.
sive toys often come with warranties too. I’ve run the
When it comes to vibrators, bigger is not necessarily bet-
gambit of cheap toys that burn out really quickly or get
ter- a smaller internal shaft might have better vibration/
noisy almost instantly- so the last time I bought a vibrator
rotation than a larger model. (This goes for guys too- size
I got a well-known brand name and a warranty. It does not
doesn’t matter. If they don’t know what to do with it then
disappoint- in fact, it’s my favourite to date.
yeah, smaller is probably not going to get you anywhere,
4) Batteries. Rechargeable batteries will burn your motor
but if they do know what to do with it…) Your first purchase
out faster- as will expensive high powered, long lasting
might be hit and miss until you learn your body shape and
ones. Your best bet is a trip to somewhere like Bunnings
“FOR ALL THE GUYS GOING- ‘BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!?’ I’D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I DON’T HAVE A PENIS SO I CAN’T REVIEW ANY GUY’S TOYS IN GOOD CONSCIENCE...”
what you like. My cervix tends to hang quite low so a mas-
or the $2 shop and buying a big pack for cheap. You’ll go
sive vibrator isn’t necessary- but remember your pussy will
through them faster but they’ll be kinder to your vibrator
stretch to accommodate any size.
in the long run.
2) Buy waterproof. Remember how much fun it was
5) Phthalate Free. If it doesn’t specify either avoid the
playing with your toys in the bath when you were a kid? I
product or use a condom with it. Sex toys aren’t regulated
promise you- this is even better. Many vibrators are water-
and while anything with a decent brand name is going to be
proof these days and they’re worth it. You can combine
safe, some cheaper brands are made from types of plastic
the vibration with warm water or a pulsating shower or
that contain harmful chemicals. You also want something
tap head for an even better time (and it makes it easier to
non-porous (so that it doesn’t get full of bacteria) and soft
imagine a warm, wet person). They’re also easier to clean.
(like 100% silicone) so it will feel more natural.
3) Splash out. Your pussy deserves the best- and without
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The We-Vibe Couples Toy Bullet
For all the guys going- ‘but what about me!?’ I’d like to point out that I don’t have
Seven Seas Vibe
In a variety of colours and often styled as
a penis so I can’t review any guy’s toys in
whimsical animals, these small vibrators
good conscience- but I have included some
are perfect for starting out. They can be This was a genius find at one of the smaller shops in Hamilton- I haven’t seen it around since, but it is available online. It does it allone motor controls the clitoral massager that has seven speeds (three steady, one escalating and three pulsating), one motor controls the rotating head with four rows of rotating beads (three speeds and can spin in either direction). The clit massager comes complete with whimsical sea creatures (mine’s a starfish who looks pretty pleased with itself). You’ve all seen ‘Not Another Teen Movie’ where Janey’s vibrator falls into her birthday cake and flops around spreading it everywhere? I’m yet to find one that rotates like that, but this rotating head strokes you internally, and combined with a clit stimulator makes for a good time. When your batteries are running low the rotation slows the clit vibration, but otherwise the combination can be pretty spectacular. I’ve tried other brands with rotating beads and without fail they are the first part to get noisy. The cheap kind get very, very noisy, this one (so far) is just slightly easier to hear. They feel nice but I can take or leave them, so if you’re paranoid about it you might want to avoid them. A bit of music or running water will cover the sound though- and apparently if you put a piece of cardboard inside the battery case it can dull it too. It uses 3 AAA batteries and is made of TPE
used internally or externally- it doesn’t matter what gender you are- I’ve heard it feels
Evolved Flexems Bendable Touch
fun for partners. The latest version of this couple’s toy is the Wee Vibe 4 but the 2nd version is the one that happens to be in my bottom drawer.
nice pressed up under your balls. Have a read of the packaging- three speeds
There are hundreds of vibrators with clit
The Wee Vibe sits inside the vagina up
are optimum, but the more the merrier.
massagers on the market, most of them
against the g-spot and outside the vagina
Like all vibrators you get what you pay for-
styled off the highly popular ‘Rabbit’
on the clitoris. It can be used on its own or
so it may be worth the extra cash to get a
Vibrator made famous by ‘Sex and the
with a partner.
couple of more intense speeds. I have no
City’. There are a variety of special features,
The Wee Vibe 2 has 9 vibration modes but
idea what brand mine is, or how much it
speeds and effects and you get what you
my favourites were high, ascend and cha-
cost (it was a gift) but I can tell you is that
pay for- the more money you spend, the
cha. I found this toy most comfortable to
it’s a dolphin.
better the product.
use in doggy style as it was the easiest way
It has 6 speeds: three steady in varying
This Evolved product has two motors- one
I could keep a hold of the thing to stop it
intensities, pulsate, surge and escalate. It
controlling the vibrator in the shaft, and one
from rubbing back and forward and chaf-
has a ring to put your (or your partner’s)
in the clit massager. It bends to follow the
ing me (the later version looks like they’ve
finger through which comes in handy
curves of your body and holds its shape- so
solved this problem.)
when things get slippery. The vibrations
you can make it fit your form perfectly. It
I think the success of the Wee Vibe depends on the kind of sex you’re having-
are intense and you can put it wherever
has three speeds and is one of the most
you like- the only limit is your imagination.
powerful vibes I’ve come across.
and on your guy. If he hasn’t got himself
These are also handy if your other toys have
A friend of mine bought a different Evolved
under control he might not last the distance.
run out of juice or you want to combine
model and gives it two thumbs up- so the
The partner I used this with didn’t have any
them for more fun.
brand is a pretty sure bet. They have a sales
problem with that- but we’re fairly rough
stand in Peaches and Cream where you can
on each other and eventually took the Vibe
handle samples of each toy (if the staff have
out. It was fun, intense and I’d definitely
bothered to put fresh batteries in them)
recommend it, but rather than becoming
which is enormously helpful when trying
desensitised (as the myth goes) I actually
to choose one. They have one with a but-
became hyper-sensitised. We used it more
terfly that felt pretty good in my hands, but
as a tool for foreplay than anything else,
they had sold out. Their products are water-
and preferred to finish without.
proof, phthalate and latex free. The Evolved
It’s water-resistant (later models are water-
Flexems Bendable Touch uses 3 AAA batter-
proof) and I’m assuming that it’s like the
ies and also has a one year warranty.
iphone- the later versions are better. It’s rechargeable, you get two hours off one charge and comes with a one year warranty.
and ABS plastic.
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nexus magazine
WILSON CAR PARK The Foreign Invasion Melody Wilkinson
TEN THOUSAND HOURS Louise vs the World Louise Hutt
I figured it out! Wilson Parking is part of a conglomerate that Satan
I don’t have a lot of hobbies, which sounds like a blatant lie if
runs here on earth. (Natas Inc.?) I say Satan because, for a while, I
you’ve met me, or read my blog, or liked one of my Facebook
was comparing them to ordinary thieves. I have now realized this
pages. I do a lot of things but they’re never really just hobbies. I have
is being rude to the thieves. I mean, how do we know what drove
a bunch of things I do, which I’ve been doing for long enough that
those guys to thievery? They could just be trying to get food for their
I’m fairly competent at them; photography, knitting, writing, what-
kid, maybe they lost their job or maybe they weren’t taught any bet-
ever. All of them seem to have blossomed into a life of their own,
ter. At any rate my recent run-ins have confirmed it: WP works for
whether it’s through Alice & Anne, my handmade clothing business,
Satan. There is no excuse for their greed and deception.
or as the online editor for Nexus. Recently, I’ve started archery. Yes,
First, I made a quick stop with a friend at Center Place. I was out in under half an hour. I put the little 666-barcode-conspiracy ticket
the Legolas/Merida/Hawkeye/Katniss archery and what it’s made me realise is that I’m not good at sucking at stuff.
in the machine to check and it said “Nothing to pay” and “Have a
I never realised how lucky I was to learn stuff when I was a kid.
Nice Day”; unfortunately, as we pulled out of the garage, the ticket
You still have that cute factor, so even if you suck, it’s okay, you’re
was missing. Since it was possessed, it probably grew legs and
adorable, keep going. Being an adult and sucking at stuff is not so
walked out of the car. 45 minutes of searching revealed nothing and,
easy to deal with. I shakily pulled back an arrow and attempted to
of course, we could not use the intercom because it kept saying it
get it anywhere near the large moose print-out in front of me, then
was busy. Probably, they were all too busy stoking eternal hell-fires
I heard my arrow clatter on the concrete floor as I shot it too short
or torturing souls. I emerged from Hades and found a sympathetic
and way off target.I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing
City Council receptionist. She called Wilson Parking for me. I told the man my story and he said, “Oh, no! That’s awful! Unfortunately, that’s an unmanned station so there is nothing we can do. You’ll have to pay the twenty dollars to get out and then email Customer Service to get it back.” A surprising fact about customer service in hell: they don’t care
but I did not get the result I expected. The voice in the back of my head told me,”Jennifer Lawrence can’t walk up steps to the Oscars but she can fire an arrow, so why on earth can’t you?!” Okay, maybe I wasn’t concentrating enough. Round two; put arrow in bow, pull back string, look at target, let go. I ticked all the boxes yet still no success. Maybe that’s why Merida’s hair is so big, it’s filled
about you and never respond to your emails. I would think even hell
with archery secrets. Six arrows later, I was frustrated and grumpy.
would be at least a little concerned about its earthly image. At least
Snapping at my boyfriend, who kindly told me I was doing very well,
until you die of course, and then it’s all, “sorry you’re stuck here,
I realised I was far too accustomed to not failing dismally at things,
feel free to send an email about the heat.” Anticipating that, they
or if I did, failing quietly. The noise of the arrow hitting anything but
should be more careful about their image otherwise no one will
the target was too loud for my liking.
want to go there.
There’s the old saying that you need ten thousand hours of practice
Like an idiot, I used Wilson Parking again. The machine said I owed
at anything to really conquer it, and I’d clocked up a lot of hours at
10 dollars which I paid. It neglected to tell me that I didn’t actually
things without realising it and without worrying that I wasn’t good
have to pay because after 10pm they just let you out. So much anger
yet. At the same time, when I take a nice photo or finish knitting, I
and rage! This has been Satan’s goal all along: to make me into a
don’t have the same sense of accomplishment as when I finally hit
crazy person so he could laugh at me while I stomp and scream
that damn moose. Learning new hobbies has been more than just
inside all of his parking garages.
a learning curve for my ego as I found that failing at stuff actually
maydaydownunder.blogspot.co.nz.
making succeeding even sweeter.
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nexusmag.co.nz
nexus magazine
SPOT IT Carnage Jules Craft
Our campus is actually pretty rad. With goldfish the size of large
The Big Fuck Off Tree: What tree are you talking about? The big
watermelons, a touch of high tech buildings, modern cafes and a
fuck off tree of course, located on the field in front of St Johns.
few miniature scenic walks, the place has a kind of a rad vibe. Even
This thing could hold a an entire pack of scrumpy monkeys and still
though we live in the big smoke Hamilton, I always love stepping
have room to sleep ten more possums. For a spacious, aerated
onto campus, it’s a home away from home. As Waikato students
experience climb into the belly of this beast, and then get into the
it’s our own little bubble and although it sounds all silly and soppy
belly of another.
I love the place, you can’t be ashamed of taking a little pride in where you live.
On top of S Block: OK this one’s just speculation, I’m not even sure if it’s possible to get on top of there but if you can, the archi-
SO WHERE CAN YOU ROOT? Yeah, I know I just told you how
tecture from an on-ground perspective makes it look like its flat
awesomely pristine our grounds are, but the theme’s sex and I
enough for a good time. Once again just speculation, but Nexus
can’t think of anything else. So here are (theoretically) the 5 best
has like 3000 condoms at the moment, so if you want to give it a
spots on campus for you to get your freak you sick animals.
nudge make sure you come get protected. Safety first kids.
Bucky Island: A beautiful slice of circular land that sits in the
The Pool: Sneak in there at around midnight, you’ll need a towel
middle of the lake next to the Gallagher building. It may take a
to throw on top of the barbed wire so you don’t cut yourself and
bit of effort hauling the Mrs or Mr over on a $20 dingy from the
a partner who’s willing to get amongst some danger. Two things:
Warehouse but once you’re out there surrounded by the native
You’ll both be wet... fuck yeah, and for once it won’t matter if it’s a
flora and a few ducks there won’t be need of any foreplay for you
quickie. Campus security is pretty speedy and they’ll be onto your
and your significant other to get it on. Oh yeah, nature!
epic adventure of pleasure in no time. Make it quick and escape
Middle of the field: Perhaps not during the daylight hours but if
scot-free.
you find yourself walking home in a toga, random stranger in hand,
I have literally no fucking idea if these will work- I take no credit
why don’t ya rip off your sheet, use it as a mattress and get into
for public humiliation but fuck it would be epic to pull it off. Stop
it. Waikato truly does have top notch grass, a significant plus of
and take a picture for facebook. Chea craftyyyyy Out.
studying here. Tell all your friends.
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nexus magazine
DELTOPIA – THE UNDERWORLD OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT. Alix Abroad Alix Higby
This story begins on a stifling spring day on the streets of
“You have to stay, you can’t go”
Santa Barbara - try saying that ten times fast. But it’s true, that’s
“We have to go, we’re catching the last train!”
where it started. My companions and I were in bikinis and denim
“You have to kiss me goodbye first”
shorts, drinking vodka from backpacks and trying not to get caught
So she did. She’ll deny it because she has a boyfriend, but I was
by the cops. About 15,000 others were doing the same (give or
there, I saw it. I yanked her away and we grabbed our bags and
take a bikini or two.)
joined the masses on the streets.
UCSB students throw an annual beach/street party in Del Playa
On the way out, the same girl was pushed up against the side of
and students from all over the state turn up and wreck the shit
a car by some unannounced Brazilian man and I had to intervene
out of campus housing and then gap it back to their hometowns.
again. Another friend was accosted by an incredibly short but eager
This year a riot brought out the tear gas. Last year a girl fell to her
Chinese guy who thankfully disappeared into the mass of sweat-
death from a cliff. Every year half naked chicks (of which I was
ing bodies. An American tried to force yet another friend into an
one – it was hot, gurl) negotiate tricky situations with overzealous
upstairs room even though we were standing right beside her. I
and handsy dudes.
use cultural references because no one bothered to tell us their
We actually left before the riot began and as far as I know nobody
Apparently my natural state is ‘complete bitch’, which in this case
melting tarmac. Of the four of us, three had boyfriends – but as
worked to my advantage. No disrespect happened over here, but
successful as it has been in the past, the B word didn’t stop any-
I was pretty pissed off at all the shit going on around me. The two
thing here.
local girls of our group didn’t think much of it, just that it was part
All the houses on the street are open to the public, and somehow we ended up in the least American of the lot – a flat of Middle
of the badly wrapped parcel that is Deltopia. That kind of pissed me off more.
Eastern dudes sitting around a paddling pool smoking pot. They
On a scale this harassment was probably mild, but it came from
were friendly, didn’t try anything on, and they let us leave our
everywhere. Black guys, white guys, Asian, European… I bet there
backpacks there while we walked up and down the main street.
were chicks out there trying it on too. Situations like Deltopia admit-
It wasn’t until we went back that things got awkward. One of
tedly create the environment for cesspits of unsavoury behaviour
them locked my very intoxicated friend into a semi-death-grip and
but no one should be forcing anyone into a situation they haven’t
refused to let her leave,
consented to. We certainly shouldn’t be adopting it as status quo
“You can stay here tonight” “I can’t, I have a boyfriend and we have to go”
34
names. It was madness.
died, but I witnessed a fair amount of sexual harassment on the
nexusmag.co.nz
either. “Purple haired bitch”, out.
nexus magazine
DON’T DO THESE THINGS A Fashionable Lifestyle Jessica Wilson
HAVING ANOTHER CRACK ON THE BIKE Road to Fitness Lauren Heginbotham
Dress Exclusively for Your Body Type. Blame the ugly clothes, not your sexy body. The reason fat girls look ridiculous wearing leggings as pants is because everyone looks ridiculous wearing leggings as pants. Check out Nadia Aboulhosn, Gabi Gregg and Tanesha Awasthi: three women who prove body-type dressing is (mostly) bullshit. Wear Crocs. Imagine something universally hated to such an extent that it has become a running joke in Spanish, German and even fucking Vulcan. Now stop imagining because, baby, it’s a reality, and it has been for over a decade. It’s 2014, why are you still wearing Crocs? Only Buy Clothes in Your Size. Cardigans, sweaters, singlets, t-shirts and even jackets and coats often look better a size or two up. Oversized t-shirts, especially, are always sexier than tighter ones. To stop you from drowning in t-shirt fabric, show off your legs with something short or tight, opt for a scoop neck to show off your décolletage, or roll up the shoulders and prepare to pull the finger at politicians.
“THE REASON FAT GIRLS LOOK RIDICULOUS WEARING
Hook Up in Bar101. Okay, okay, this isn’t really fashion, but listen to me. I hardly ever go to town, but when I do,
LEGGINGS AS PANTS IS BECAUSE
there’s always a dude in the corner of
EVERYONE LOOKS RIDICULOUS
Bar101, by the stripper pole no less,
WEARING LEGGINGS AS PANTS.”
hanging his tongue, like some sort of bait, over the mouth of his compact, blonde squeeze. Where has the romance gone? Where!
Wear Heels at Uni. The University of Waikato was built 50 years ago upon a large slope for one reason and one reason alone: to stop you wearing your nasty Hannahs heels. Dress for Men (or Women). Throughout Western history, dressing modestly was an oppressive, patriarchal order placed upon women to prevent them from revealing their innately sexual bodies to the public. Women who bared skin were seen as indecent “whores”, hell, they still are. We blame women AND men for sexual assault and rape because they were dressed “slutty” and therefore totally asking for “it”. How can you stop this? Take ownership of your own body and challenge traditional ideas of sexuality and modesty by wearing as little (or as much) clothing as you like. Wear Contacts. Dear sexy blind people, you look sexy in your contacts, but even sexier in your glasses. Please wear your sexy glasses.
The first time I tried out the UniRec REV class I came out slightly worse for wear. Not only was I chafed (boardies are a no-go on the bike), but my ego took a massive hit when I found I could barely stay out of the seat for more than a few seconds. Was I that weak? Had my body succumbed to the ravages of time because I had been indulging in a long leave of absence from fitness over the past few years? I was nervous. My pride had been wounded, was I in for another round? Reignited by the flame of fitness and armed with appropriate clothing I knew I would do better this time. Rather than biting off more than I could chew in the REV60 just a few weeks ago, I was ready for the challenge. Knowing that my fitness had improved over the past month meant I was a bit more confident too. UniRec’s lunch time REV 45 was for me. Perhaps for moral support, or the fact that our schedules were in sync, I had two REV groupies in tow; Sandy and Mary Anne. They absolutely rave about the class, the instructor and say it’s pretty sweet to get a good workout done within 45 mins. Well, I’m totally on board with that idea so let the games begin! Sandwiched between my two pros, I started pedalling. The class was full and the instructor, Jo, popped around greeting the punters like they were long lost pals. Two of us were newbies who got a little extra attention. I was in safe hands. Jo organised us into groups so that waves of activity would soon flow around the class. There were plenty of hill climbs and I was pleased to finally figure out the resistance lever (thanks to the seasoned guru beside me). So, when Jo said “Group Two”, I was up and out of my seat pushing my lever down and making sure I was hitting a resistance between 50-60 RPM. I stood up with ease when my ‘wave’ hit over and over again. The RPM ended up being the only digits I looked at for the rest of the class. Yes, it got harder, but then we switched it up to some speed work to give the quads a rest. The lung capacity swiftly returned. I was looking at the clock with ten minutes to go, feeling the burn, but when the time was up I’d gone through 420 calories and cycled 18.6km. Pretty sweet I reckon. Now I have something to keep an eye on next time I’m in the hot seat.
35
nexus magazine
TAMING A REAL JACKASS Give a Shit Tee-Ship
WHAT POLITICIANS THINK Politics Ryan Wood
Sunday April 6th 4:15am. A whiney little white boy (not me) sits down at his computer to attack the actions of the “Christian mega-charity” World Vision. I think what makes me want to slap the cheeks of this slap-cheek baby- faced little punk the most is his complete and utter ignorance of the hypocrisy of his own article. The article in which Tame spouts off a bunch of ultra-hip self gratifying atheistic advice (which is oh so in vogue right now) about World Vision USA’s hiring policies—the organisation opted to change their hiring policy back to not allowing the hiring of homosexual employees after literally haemorrhaging sponsors when they allowed it—is so full of retardation that I literally can’t even explain to you how much I want to eat this fucking guy’s liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Make no mistake I am not a Christian fellow, but when people write self-righteous uninformed tripe like this, a little part of my soul dies. First of all, World Vision USA and World Vision New Zealand’s staff hiring policies are not the same. World Vision New Zealand does not have a “no homosexual employees” policy. Tame’s argument that American sponsors were using sponsor children as “bargaining chips for their anti-homosexual crusade” might have a small amount of truth to it but to be fair when thousands of children are being sentenced to death after their sponsors dropped them because of this policy change, can you blame the people at World Vision USA for saying “holy shit sorry, we’ll change it back you fucking homicidal maniacs just stop killing the children!” What was also rather interesting was Tame’s implication that World Vision doesn’t deserve your money as they are “stomaching some mighty administrative costs of late” with no
What politicians think is rather important; for their idle thoughts can become legislation, and that legislation can be debated, and passed into Law. And the unquestionable, irresistible Law has a habit of influencing our lives whether we like it or not. Therefore, as students, we should find out what our politicians and their little parties think of us, and what these careless musings might lead to. Being young and disenfranchised, I naturally turned to their party websites for answers… National: The reigning party wants ‘better value for taxpayers’. They want to ‘link funding to performance’, ‘lift performance’, and ‘encourage greater accountability’. This is for tertiary education, mind you, not parliament. During their tenure, National, by their own admission, have ‘cut the number of poor quality courses’, such as Tourism, because that industry is clearly waning. Their future plans include performance-based funding for universities, reducing the number of available qualifications, and influencing what you study by investing in Science over the Arts, because it’s hard to monetise human thought. And, of course, they want to increase the rate of compulsory repayment of your student loan, so you’ll still be eating two-minute noodles even when you’re fully-employed. Greens: The opposition party, upon election, will introduce ‘a programme to write off student debt for all those who contribute to our society.’ In other words, if you stay and work in New Zealand after graduating, the government will wipe a portion of your debt for every year you remain here. They also want a ‘universal student allowance’ which would ignore the
source given for that little gem of knowledge. According to the 2013 World Vision annual report more donated money than ever is being sent to the field, around 80% in fact. Without going into the specifics about why the argument against large overheads in these massive charitable organisations is a ridiculous one, let me dumb it down for you. When you give a dollar a day to a charity to sponsor a child they do not just jump in a plane,
“...AS STUDENTS, WE SHOULD FIND OUT WHAT OUR POLITICIANS AND THEIR LITTLE PARTIES THINK OF US...”
fly over to Africa and hand a malnourished four year old a wad of cash. That’s stupid. Don’t be stupid. The money goes into massive community development projects for fresh water, education, food etc. Those take
financial situation of parents, etc. The Greens are also interested in moving
money to set up. Don’t be ignorant. At the end of the article Tame encour-
towards a ‘fee-free’ tertiary education system by capping and reducing
ages people to join UNICEF instead, potentially swaying NZ sponsors into
university fees over time. Of course, the question is: Who pays for this
dropping their World Vision sponsor children (because everybody knows
gift horse? And will it collapse and die a hundred metres into the race?
UNICEF have no overheads… *cough* FIFA *cough*…)
of jargon and, it would seem, no new ideas or real change for tertiary
advocating using sponsor children as bargaining chips for his anti-anti-
education or students. A tentative translation reads: We will not do much,
homosexual crusade (confusing me as to what he is actually trying to
because Helen used to come up with all the ideas, and now she’s gone.
achieve), but doing it in New Zealand instead of the States which is essen-
That being said, the last Labour government did remove interest from
tially punishing World Vision NZ’s sponsor children for the actions of some
student loans, which is something, at least. It’ll probably be their legacy.
backwater hicks who forced World Vision USA to redact their policy change that allowed married homosexuals to work for them… I have a solution… quit stirring the pot you dweeby little prick. These are my views as per the way I see it and may not represent the general consensus at Nexus Magazine. Any P.C. thugs can come at me.
36
Labour: The endangered party’s website offers a great policy PDF full
Anyway regardless of the overheads debate, it would seem Tame is
nexusmag.co.nz
Other political parties have their thoughts, too, of course. But let’s be honest, it’s the above three that will be most influential. So whose thinking – or lack thereof – appeals to/frightens you the most? Write some lettuce about it, or, better yet, find yourself one of those happy-go-lucky politicians and offer them some thoughts of your own.
nexus magazine
Blind Dat�
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE BANK AND 97.8 THE EDGE. EACH WEEK NEXUS ATTEMPTS TO MAKE A LOVE/ SEXUAL CONNECTION. IF YOU'RE KEEN FOR A DATE ON US EMAIL EDITOR@NEXUSMAG.CO.NZ
XX
XY
THE LADY'S EXPERIENCE
THE GENTLEMAN'S EXPERIENCE
So I went on a blind date with this guy, I was really nervous and he seemed
Once upon a time a young princess and prince got the opportunity to go
just as nervous so we had awkward conversation for a bit. Then once we
on a wonderful date. The night was chilly so the prince thought the obvi-
had a drink we started to relax and I enjoyed myself getting to know him.
ous choice was pants; however the princess bravely sported some shorts.
He seems like a real nice guy and it was good having a yarn to him. The
After a brief panic as a woman in her mid-30s approached, the prince was
staff at The Bank were real funny about the whole situation; they were
relieved when she only wanted to know if he was Peter’s son, which he is
kind of eyeing us up the whole night wondering how things were going.
not. Suddenly, in walked a gorgeous brunette. She also had very tasteful
The waiter started the conversation off by asking us “What`s the worst
makeup; unfortunately he didn't get the chance to taste it. He was stuck
music you listen to?” and also “What’s the weirdest thing that you have
on her gorgeous smile for a while but managed to pull himself away long
about your body?” It definitely lightened the mood. Overall I don’t regret
enough to remember a name. The one thing he told the Edge was that he
going on the date, it was good to meet someone new and have a good
was looking for a nice girl who was a good yarn, and they definitely got the
meal and drinks paid for.
nice part. The conversation did start to flow, but dipped and dived because of her fascination with the candle on the table. The pair managed to get through the awkward questions well but the answers were very tame. We finished the night with a quick look over at the bar and a slightly awkward hug. The night was short and sweet; the prince finished his recollection of the night for Nexus and was tucked up in bed by ten.
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nexus magazine
PRESIDENT AARON COULDN'T WRITE A COLUMN THIS WEEK, HE'S BEEN FEELING A BIT UNDER THE WEATHER. DO THIS FUN WORD FIND FOR POSSIBLE REASONS WHY. SEXUAL HEALTH WORD FIND
—
38
nexusmag.co.nz
abortion
erection
implant
ovum
semen
asexual
fallopian tubes
intersex
penis
sexuality
bisexual
foreskin
intrauterine
period
sperm
cervix
gay
device
pill
testicles
chlamydia
gender
labia
pregnancy
testosterone
clitoris
genitals
lesbian
progesterone
transsexual
conception
gonorrhoea
masturbation
puberty
urethra
condom
herpes
menstruation
pubic hair
uterus
consent
heterosexual
oestrogen
relationship
vagina
contraception
homosexual
ovary
respect
virgin
depo provera
hormones
ovulation
scrotum
vulva
nexus magazine
WHY BOTHER VOTING? TONY STEVENS FROM YWRC
— Okay, so you may be thinking “why is this guy writing about voting – that has nothing to do with his usual spiel about worker rights”. It does actually. Who makes the employment laws that affect all workers? Some employers may think they do but it’s actually the Government. PHOTOGRAPH: ASHLEIGH MATTHEWS
As you read this Parliament is in the process of inspecting a government bill that, if passed, will change our break entitlements and make alterations to the ways unions and employers negotiate. Guess who the biggest culprits are when it comes to non-voting? Dole-bludgers? Immigrants? Citizens of Invercargill? Nope – the worst offenders are actually apathetic students. The funny thing is around ninety per cent of eligible voters are on the electoral roll but
WORKLOAD & DEADLINES AMBER CARDALE
close to 1 million of them don’t bother.
—
Here, I’ll give you a reason to vote: do you want to leave it up to your parents to decide who pulls New Zealand’s strings? No offense
As we get further into the semester study workloads can get more intense. Depending on
mum and dad but you baby boomers aren’t in
what you have chosen to study or how many papers you are currently doing, unless you
tune with the direction this world is heading
have a well thought out timetable of deadlines then things can get a little hectic.
in. Us millennials? We know what’s what – we
Sometimes when you have a lot on, you can find it hard to concentrate, resulting in you
just can’t be assed pulling our attention away
not putting in your best effort when it comes to completing assignments.
from Facebook for the five minutes it takes
Here are some tips on overcoming and eliminating struggles with assessment completion:
to vote. Now this is all a bit presumptuous on my
Use your WSU Wall Planner. Get that good looking wall planner up on the bedroom wall and jot down all the assignment
part. For all I know students will turn out in
deadlines you have coming up.
droves come election time - I’m just getting
Use your support services.
in a pre-emptive strike to hopefully begin the
We have awesome support services here at university that are free, USE THEM! Check
exorcism of that apathy young students have
out Student Learning Support, Language and Learning Support (Management Students
become famous for.
only), student librarians, referencing workshops, counseling services just to name a few.
Please vote this year. Shit, you can even raise the stakes by turning Election Day into
Make a study group. Know a couple of people in your paper reasonably well? Then ask them if they’re keen to
a drinking game. Every time Jacinda Ardern
meet once a week to go over some topics you are all unsure of, win win situation!
appears on the election coverage take a shot
Find out your lecturers visiting hours.
of tequila – two shots every time you see a
Visiting hours are scheduled times for a student to go and see their lecturers, go and pick
politically charged rant on Facebook.
their brains.
And if you think all politicians look like they belong on Antiques Roadshow then Google
Feel like you are falling behind due to situations unforeseen and unpreventable? Then come
Jacinda, you can thank me later.
and talk to the Amber the Advocate.
Contact: 0800 AT YWRC, ywrc@xtra.co.nz.
Contact: advocacy@wsu.org.nz or 027 2065 011. Or make an appointment at wsu.org.nz
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NOTICES
Kinetika WWW.KINETIKA.CO.NZ
Taranaki Arts Festival Trust (TAFT) is proud to pres-
Recycling Hamilton & Waikato Areas
Wednesday. Engage in stimulating conversation and debate.
Pilot Gallery
RECYCLEIT.CO.NZ EXHIBITIONS & EVENTS
ent, for the first time, kinetika 2014 – A fusion of art | design | engineering. We encourage and invite everyone, whether you are a group or an artist, designer, engineer, inventor, student or someone who simply shares the joy of creating something that moves, to be part of kinetika 2014. This is an innovative competition and showcase will occur in New Plymouth, Taranaki, New Zealand from 25 October – 9 November 2014.
We are dedicated to recycling IT equipment in an environmentally responsible way, with free
Pilot Gallery has opened at 5 Ward Street and are
recycling services and a dedication to privacy.
open Thursday-Friday 11.30am - 5pm and Saturday
We recycle commercial and domestic related
11.30am - 4pm. The space offers artists a chance
computer and electronic equipment.
to host exhibitions and events.
We accept anything related to computer equipment regardless of condition. Faulty, working, complete or parts only. We also accept cell phones and related gear, stereos, CRT & LCD Monitors & TV's, DVD Players, VCR's, cables, cords, etc. Please check this site out http://recycleit.co.nz/
University Challenge COMING SOON
Also checkout and like our facebook page, facebook.com/pages/ RecycleIT/235371476664800
Have you seen the movie “Starter for ten” and thought I want to join a Uni quiz team. Well boy do we have good news for you…. University
Free Thought Society
Challenge is starting up again soon. Stay tuned for your chance to be on a televised quiz show.
Fijian Club
WEDNESDAYS, 1-2PM, AMPITHEATRE FIJIANCLUB.WAIKATO@OUTLOOK.COM
Free Electronic 40
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The Free Thought Society are starting weekly sessions at the Ampitheatre (grassy area near
For those wanting to get involved, please contact
Pita Pit) during cultural hour 1pm-2pm every
Margaret on fijanclub.waikato@outlook.com.
nexus magazine
CRÈME BRÛLEÉ Cooking for Students Zac Lyon
If my sources are correct, this week’s issue is all about the love and sexy time. Listen up guys, the secret to any woman’s heart is food. Throw together a snappy snack, cook a mean meal and finish with a delectable dessert and you’re well on your way to charming the pants off your winter warming buddy. Serve this bad boy of a recipe to earn those extra Brownie points *wink, wink*.
Ingredients 500 ml heavy/full cream 1 vanilla bean or 1 tsp of vanilla essence 5 egg yolks 80 grams of white sugar + sugar for topping
Directions 01_ Heat cream on a medium heat, add in scraped out vanilla bean (or essence) and heat to just before boiling. 02_ In a separate bowl put in five egg yolks, then 80g of sugar and beat with a whisk. Slowly add in the heated cream and stir softly, trying not to create too much froth. 03_ Strain the mixture into small ramekins and fill until two thirds full. Place ramekins into a roasting dish and fill with boiling water (from kettle) until water is two thirds up the ramekins. 04_ Bake at 160C/325F for 35-40 mins until wobbly in centre. 05_ Allow to cool completely, refrigerate. 06_ When ready to serve, sprinkle some sugar over the set cream mixture, then burn with a blowtorch or under the grill in the oven turned to max temp (a deodorant can and lighter won’t work). 07_ Should end up with a very crisp top layer and soft and creamy middle.
If this doesn’t bed the person you’re after then you’re up shit creek without a paddle, seriously. Maybe just make them more desserts, or you can talk about your feelings. I know which I would prefer… Head over to Cooking4Students facebook page or youtube channel to see how it is done!
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Codewords
Each letter in this puzzle is represented by a number 1-26. Crack the code to solve the crossword.
KenKen
Sequence
The bolded groups of squares are called “cages.” In the
What shape comes next?
upper-left corner of each cage, there is a “target number” and a math operation. Fill in each square of a cage with a number between 1-9. The numbers in a cage must combine—in any order, using only that cage’s math operation—to form that cage’s target number. You may not repeat a number in any row or column but you can repeat a number within a cage. Example: Your target number is 5, your operation is addition, you’re using the numbers 1–9, and the cage is made up of two squares. You could fill in 2 and 3 (because 2 + 3 = 5) or 1 and 4 (1 + 4 = 5)
Syllabic
1. Type of calculator: 2. Slow in tempo:
From the following syllables and clues, form ten words of a least two syllables.
3. Relative preference: 4. Warm place:
a - a - a - a - ca - cal - co - co - cu - da - der
5. Flying:
- en - foot - gio - hi - ic - ing - la - lat - ment - nep - o - pa - pul - sci - sim - ta - ti - ti - tif tion - tism - un - vi
6. Conniving: 7. Mourn: 8. Mexican city: 9. In the way: 10. Compatible:
Enter numbers into the blank spaces so that each row,
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HARD
MEDUIM
column and 3x3 box contains the numbers 1-9.
EASY
Sudoku
Draw your answer here.
nexus magazine
Target How many four (or more) letter words can you make from the letters in the square without using proper nouns? Each word must contain the centre letter.
9 letter words streamlet 8 letter words alertest teamster 7 letter words armlets estreat letters martlet matters rattles realest relates remelts restate retaste settler smatter smelter starlet startle stealer steamer trestle 6 letter words alerts alters armlet eaters elater elates estate lamest latest latter lattes letter master matres matter mattes melter merest metals meters metres mettle rattle relate remelt reseat retest salter setter settle slater staler stater stelae stream street talers tamers tamest taster taters teasel teaser tester tetras
Crossword
Solve the clues and fill in the words.
treats 5 letter words alert
Answers for this crossword are in the online magazine at nexusmag.co.nz.
alter armet artel aster eater
Across
39. Distant but visible (6)
80. Withstands (7)
20. Part of a golf course (7)
48. Redact (4)
1. Seafarer (7)
41. Novel (3)
81. Moved downward (9)
22. Historical store of
50. Send payment (5)
4. Intrepid (9)
42. Secret agent (3)
82. Show (7)
information (7)
52. Temporary inactivity (5)
9. Own (7)
44. Deciduous horn (6)
24. Inactive (5)
54. Rescue from danger (4)
13. Direction (5)
49. Mistake (5)
Down
26. Unit of weight (5)
55. Persona (9)
15. Periodic publications (9)
51. Musical instrument (9)
1. Unremarkable (7)
27. Notion (4)
58. State of equilibrium (7)
16. Meat eater (9)
53. Disagreement (7)
2. Characteristic of country
28. Six-sided figures (5)
60. Comments (7)
17. Permitted (7)
55. Funny (7)
life (5)
29. Stringed instrument (6)
62. Injured (7)
18. Part of a staircase (9)
56. Agressively hostile (9)
3. Cure (6)
30. Vegetable (7)
64. Restricted (7)
19. Peculiarity (7)
57. Vivacious (7)
4. Mathematics (7)
31. Part of a plant (4)
66. Misconception (7)
20. Impartial (4)
59. Blood vessel (6)
5. Twelve (5)
32. Drawing pin (4)
67. Standing (6)
21. Hackneyed (5)
61. Confectionery (5)
6. Frank (6)
35. Relating to the moon
68. Come out into view (6)
23. Varieties (5)
63. Mode (5)
7. Beginning (5)
(5)
69. Frightened (6)
25. Epic (6)
65. Surfeit (4)
8. Made safe (7)
37. Fussilade (5)
71. Stories (5)
30. Cowered (7)
70. Try (7)
9. Tropical bird (6)
38. Remote (7)
73. Sorts (5)
31. Juicy (9)
72. Final demand (9)
10. Con (7)
40. Without difficulty (6)
74. Domesticated (5)
33. Huge (7)
75. Hide (7)
11. Wear away (5)
43. Gift (7)
76. Praise (5)
34. Benefit (7)
77. Endured (9)
12. Notable or unusual
45. Beaming (7)
36. Exactly the same (9)
78. Circumference (9)
sight (9)
46. Way out (4)
37. Velocity (5)
79. Additional (5)
14. Wailing (7)
47. Fraudulent (5)
elate ester later latte least malts marts mater mates matte matts meats meets melts metal meter metes metre ratel rates reest resat reset satem slate sleet smalt smart smelt stale stare start state steal steam steel steer stela strae stree taels taler tales tamer tames tares tarts taste tater teals teams tears tease teats teems terms terse tesla testa tetra trams treat trees 4 letter words alts arts ates east eats erst etas last late lats leet lest lets malt mart mast mate mats matt meat meet melt mete rate rats...
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