Nexus 2017 Issue 08

SOMNAMBULISM, SEX AND MURDER — Page 18 THE STUDENT WEARS K-MART — Page 31 CAN DO PART 1: CAN-DLES — Page 36

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Editorial

Nexus Goes...

Uni News

Club Spotlight: AIESEC

News

Columns

Sports

Reviews

FOMO

Entertainment

Auteur House

Feature

Centrefold - Endless

Snapped

Blind Date

Puzzles

CO-EDITORS

CONTRIBUTORS

Bronwyn Laundry

Alexander Nebesky

Lyam Buchanan

Conor Maxwell

editor@nexusmag.co.nz

Cameron McRobie

DESIGN

Brittany Rose

Vincent Owen

Richard Swainson

Tom Collopy

design@nexusmag.co.nz

Jean Balchin Amanda van der Klompf

DEPUTY EDITOR

AIESEC

Jennie-Louise Kendrick

Amy Yong

jen@nexusmag.co.nz

Troy Anderson

MANAGING EDITOR

Sarah Hyde

Emily Reid James Raffan

Shelley Bay

james@nexusmag.co.nz

Steff Holcroft Kevin Chow

DESIGN INTERNS Liam Coffey Rowan Porter

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Editorial — Pānui Ētita

Things that go bump in the night This week, our feature is a think-piece on sleepwalking, which got us thinking about all the spooky shit that’s happened to us at night. This may be just us getting lazy in our editorial focus. You’ll never know.

YAM: According to my mum I was fairly ‘possessed’ a few times as a seven year old. I grew up in a lil countryside cottage where a rowdy young man had accidentally killed himself prior to it becoming my home. Funnily enough this young fellow wasn’t too stoked about that whole situation so when I moved in he decided it’d be a great yarn constantly fuck with the house. Doors would be slamming, mirrors would be thrown and the piano would bust out a tune by itself, all these classic spooks became so normal that when renovations started my ghostly pal decided to up the anti.

Being a young and impressionable child I was obviously the premium target when it came to anything supernatural. I’d be found walking around the house at night with no colour or heat to my skin. Standing in the doorway of bedrooms carrying out some classic ritualistic chant about lights. ‘7 lights, 12 lights, 3 lights, 11 lights etc’, this would go on until someone would get slightly too spooked and I’d be escorted back to bed. Fuck’n plot twist though, as soon as anyone would grab me the entire house would just lose it. Lights would turn on and surge before blowing while doors would be opening and slamming repeatedly, eventually I’d wake up to some very stressed parents pinning me down. Yeah nah just an all round great time for everyone involved.

BRON: One of my brothers has night terrors, they started when he was a kid and they’ve carried on well into his twenties. He’s an arachnophobe so they usually center around him making up in the night and shouting shit about spiders, ala Ron Weasley. Sometimes he just sits bolt upright, yells “AHHHHHHHHHH!” and then lays back down. Sometimes it’s hilarious, sometimes it’s downright goddamn creepy. He has absolutely zero recollection of them happening, but everyone in my family has a story to tell about them, particularly another one of my brothers who used to a share a room with him.

The worst one for me was a night when we were home alone. I was around 13. It was about 3am and I was well and truly asleep, then my light goes on and I wake up to my very Aryan looking brother standing in my doorway, eyes wide and staring just past me, looking like he’s literally just come out of some Omen-esque horror movie.

“I need your help,” he whispers ominously. I try not to have a panic of my own, thinking he’s enlisting me to help hide the body of whoever he just murdered.

“Bronwyn I need your help killing a spider.”

At this point I clued on that he was sleeping so I followed him into his room. He literally points to a fucking mark on the floor and makes me mime killing it, tells me I didn’t kill it properly, gets me to do it again, then makes me wrap it in a tissue and take it to the kitchen bin.

Spooky.

- Lyam & Bron

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Editorial — Pānui Ētita

NEXUS MAGAZINE

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Uni News — Pitopito Korero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

News from the University Lunchtime Recital Series Come along to the Gallagher Academy of Performing Arts at 1pm on Wednesday 3 May for a performance from multi-award winning Swedish mezzo Catrin Johnsson and NZ pianist Rachel Fuller. Entry is free for students with a valid ID or $5 at the door.

Waikato OE Photo Competition Come along to the Waikato OE Photo Competition in the Playhouse Foyer (Gallagher Centre of Performing Arts) from 1-16 May and see our 12 amazing finalists.

Vote for your favourite and help one Waikato OE student win a GoPro camera!

Tell us what you think… …and be in to win awesome prizes! Check your inbox on Monday 1 May as we are giving you the opportunity to tell us what is working well for you and what is not here at uni. All you need to do is complete our Student Barometer Survey and you’ll be in the draw to win one of the many prizes on offer! The survey is open to all current students and will run for 3 weeks. For any questions, contact studentsurvey@waikato.ac.nz

Student Volunteering Week 0107 May Now is a great time to get involved in volunteering.

Join our new Employability Plus Programme to gain work-ready skills through volunteer activity, and standout in the job market.

For more information or to log onto MyCareer visit waikato.ac.nz/students/careers.

Library Drop-in Sessions Need help finding resources for your assignment?

Or perhaps you need some referencing advice?

Then come to a Library drop-in session. No bookings necessary – just show up in Room 2.23 in the Library between 12pm and 1pm on Wednesday 3 May or Friday 5 May. For more tutorial options visit our tutorial booking page at waikato.ac.nz/php/tsp

Examination Timetable The 2017 A Semester Examination timetable is now available online. Please check your exam timetable carefully to ensure you have all the correct dates and times. Students who, due to compelling circumstances, need to apply to sit exams at another time must submit their applications no later than Friday 19 May. Students who require alternate exam arrangements must contact Disability Support Services by Friday 26 May.

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News — Pitopito Korero

Review slams Government for Mental Health Crisis Jennie-Louise Kendrick The People’s Mental Health Review, released earlier this month, has criticised the Government’s handling of the mental health crisis. The Yeswecare.nz health coalition has stated that the National-led Government is in wilful denial, and is calling for urgent increases in funding. Prime Minister and spaghetti-on-pizza advocate Bill English dished out promises of a funding increase, but was adamant there would be no review by the Government.

Campaign organiser, Simon Oosterman, says the “Government is fully aware they haven’t funded health properly”. These sentiments were echoed by legendary comedian Mike King, who says Health Minister and average-looking white man Jonathan Coleman “wouldn’t have a clue” the current budget for mental health services.

“We’re running a reactive rather than proactive service and it’s putting pressure on workers,” King said.

The People’s Mental Health Review was built on the coalition’s survey of 6,000 health care workers, where 90 per cent of participants believed they were ill-equipped to deliver necessary care to New Zealanders. “When funding doesn’t keep up with our ageing and growing population, with increased mental health needs, Kiwis miss out.” The main findings of the review were a funding increase with a focus on easing existing workloads for health care workers and early intervention, the re-establishment of independent oversight, an urgent inquiry, and further information and education programmes made available to the public on mental health.

The Yeswecare.nz coalition believe that this staggering statistic is the result of the $1.85 billion of Government health underfunding and the disestablishment of the Mental Health Commission in 2012. The commission, which was established in 1996 following the Mason inquiry, 05

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was dismantled and its functions transferred to a single Mental Health Commissioner within the Health and Disabilities Commissioner. Since 2012, Oosterman says there has been 535 suspected suicides in mental health care. MidCentral District Health Board, which includes Palmerston North and Levin, has announced the closure of its “much needed” mental health services for youth.

Concerns for staff safety has also led to the closure of mental health beds in two other DHBs. It is estimated that nearly half of New Zealanders will suffer from mental illness or addiction, with only 16% of the country being diagnosed with common mental disorders, such as depression and anxiety. A focus on early intervention would greatly benefit the penal system, with 91% of current prisoners having mental health and/or substance addiction issues.

Mental health advocate Michelle Kidd voiced her concerns over these statistics, saying that it’s costing the taxpayer millions and incarceration isn’t the best way to treat them.

“Our judicial system and our criminal justice system has almost become the last point before total despair.”

According to 2014 statistics from the World Health Organisation, the New Zealand Government spent less than two-thirds of what the United Kingdom, Australia and the United States forked out per capita.

If you would like to sign an open letter to the Minister of Health, collated by the ActionStation, take a stand at peoplesmentalhealthreport.com/ take-action/

↑ A R T WO R K BY DA D U S H I N

IT’S OK TO ASK FOR HELP: →→ Lifeline: 0800 543 354 →→ Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 →→ Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 →→ Anxiety phone line: 0800 269 4389 →→ Rape Crisis: 0800 883 300 →→ OutLine NZ: 0800 688 5463 →→ Samaritans: 0800 726 666 →→ UoW Student Health Services: 07 838 4037

News — Pitopito Korero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

TL;LR Too Long; Lyam Read “SHE’S ABSOLUTELY STOKIN OUT THE PITS MY BRUH.” — Raglan Surf Report for the 3rd of May, 6ft swells from noon till dusk with south westerlies decreasing from 11mph down to 7.

“GONNA NEED MORE THAN A FEW SPEIGHTS FOR THIS ONE.” — A brazen thief has stolen hundreds of dollars worth of home kill, dozens of cheese rolls, a Swanndri, and some gumboots to boot.

“RECENT STUDY FINDS SYRINGES AREN’T THE ONLY THINGS BEING SHARED IN TARANAKI.” — A friendly cat leads two separate lives between two Inglewood homes, split custody has since been established between the households.

“FIND ANY SPELLING MISTAKES IN THE LAST ISSUE? DIDN’T THINK SO. FIND ANY ON THE NZ HERALD WEBSITE? ABSOFUCKINLUTELY.” — NZH Focus for International Penguin Day: Kelly Tarlton’s same sex pinguin couple.

“THE PERFECT REACTION AFTER YOU WHIP OUT YOUR 5 INCH JACKHAMMER.” — ‘I’m shaking right now, that thing is massive’, burly fisherman spins a sub-par yarn about a shark.

News in Numbers $3.6m

1,300,

52

$165,000

$100,000

£20,000

injected by the government into struggling Tai Poutini Polytechnic

pumpkins were grown from a singular plant in Matamata

fine or two years’ jail on the cards for killer of rare NZ Falcon

the distance in kilometres a 12 year old boy drove across Australia before being stopped by police

sentence for tourist who caused fatal car crash after driving on the wrong side of the road

made off a £3 bet

for one lucky football fan

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NEXUS MAGAZINE

News — Pitopito Korero

Students Struggle with Rising Cost of Living Lyam Buchanan A recent report by the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA), suggest students are feeling overwhelmed as the price of rent, and cost of living continues to soar while the student allowance remains largely frozen.

NZUSA President Jonathan Gee said ‘“The $217.03 Student Allowance and Accommodation.

Benefit provides little relief when students are paying $250 per week on rent alone,” “Today, only a third of full-time students receive the Student Allowance. The rest borrow week to week in order to live and add to the national student loan balance of over $15 billion.”

We decided to test that theory by speaking to a few random students on campus. When we asked each of them if rent prices were fair in Hamilton they were in agreement that we are lucky to live in Hamilton: Karl: Rent’s pretty gr8 here.

Jemma: Definitely, the rent is so low that we are able to pay our rent with our weekly student loans/living costs, and then some. In comparison to Auckland, where the weekly student loans don’t even cover their rent.

Shannon: yes, I do think the prices in Hamilton are fair, compared to other rent in the country we’re lucky!

We told our panel that in 2017 the weekly price of a bedroom in Auckland reached an average of $250, Wellington is slowly catching up with a fluctuation in prices between $180 to $220 depending on location. At around $120 we’re sitting pretty in comparison to the other student cities.

Could they survive in Auckland?

Jemma: Fuckin noooo. Rent is like, what, $200 p/w in Auckland? So we would need the weekly loan and a job just to pay rent; let alone power/ internet/food/water etc.

Karl: Auckland’s a shit show.

Shannon: No I don’t think I could, the prices for parking are insane, you’d be living so far from uni so you can afford rent (imagine paying $6 to catch the train to go to one class!), your friends would be so far away, so yeah, no.

↑ SHANNON, 20

↑ KARL, 20

Gee also stated that the cost of living is a major contributing factor to why repayment times are so long as “graduates begin their careers with unmanageable debt.”

So the summary here is that you are being asked to pay more, for a shittier student life than your parents, but it could be worse, you could live in Auckland. ↑ JEMMA, 21

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News — Pitopito Korero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

N Z U S A P R E S I D E N T J O N AT H A N G E E →

→→ Access to tertiary education is dropping, especially for our poorest families.

→→ Student housing costs have increased significantly, especially Auckland where the average rent price is $250 per week per room in a three bedroom house.

→→ A third of students do not have enough income to meet their basic needs.

→→ Repayment times for student debt is increasing.

→→ 78% of students believe their student debt will have a significant impact on their ability to save for their retirement. ♦

Every day the Cabinet’s shufflin’ Alexander Nebesky Prime Minister Bill English announced his Cabinet reshuffle this week, following the resignations of Murray McCully and Hekia Parata- an important decision given that 2017 is an election year.

The newly minted Cabinet is predictably conservative both ideologically, and in reflecting the Prime Minister’s unwillingness to rock the boat and to reward long-term loyalties to the party.

The list of appointments includes Nathan Guy as Minister of Civil Defence, Nikki Kaye as Minister of Education, Mark Mitchell as Minister of Defence, and, as if to prove that if you stick around long enough you get one of the best seats in the house, Gerry Brownlee as Minister of Foreign Affairs.

Questions arose surrounding Gerry Brownlee’s demeanor and its implications on his position as Minister of Foreign Affairs, though the Prime Minister was confident in his decision saying that Brownlee can be “blunt when he needs to be, diplomatic when he needs to be”. Whether those are really the qualifying attributes of a good Foreign

Affairs minister, or whether Brownlee is simply being rewarded for his years of loyalty remains to be seen, however the new Foreign Affairs Minister has a wealth of parliamentary and political experience from which to draw during his tenure.

Brownlee’s former ministerial role overseeing the reconstruction of Christchurch, a position he has held since its inception, will be taken on by Nicky Wagner.

Nikki Kaye has recently revealed that a robust discussion surrounding the compulsory teaching of Te Reo in schools is on the cards as long as the education portfolio rests in her hands. Speaking to Radio New Zealand she stated “There will be a healthy debate in terms of language, Labour has already signalled that at this election. I think we have some real issues in terms of the workforce around Te Reo and that’s something I’ll be looking at.”

The first meeting of the Prime Minister’s new cabinet will meet for the first time on May 8. ♦ 08

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Sports — Hākinakina

UTSNZ competition results Steff Holcroft UTSNZ is the organisation for University and Tertiary Sport in New Zealand. Throughout the year they host various sporting events with the goal of developing their six core values (focus, growth, effort, success, victory and partnership) across the competitors.

Waikato University had some great results at the recent events.

NATIONAL TERTIARY WOMEN’S SEVENS CHAMPIONSHIPS Event date: Saturday 25 March Location: Palmerston North Result: 2nd place Our University of Waikato women came 2nd at the National Tertiary Sevens Championship.

The team did exceptionally well, winning all of their pool games against the University of Canterbury 15-12, the University of Otago 29-5, and AUT - Auckland University of Technology 36-10.

Unfortunately the team then suffered two injuries before the semi finals. However the team still managed a win in the semi-final against Massey University 24-7.

Then it came down to the final against the University of Canterbury, unfortunately only having nine players was really tough, and the team narrowly lost 15-19 placing 2nd.

A massive congratulations to students Lacy Tomu, Stacey Waaka and Leanna Ryan who have been selected into the tournament team!

NATIONAL TERTIARY 3X3 BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIPS Event date: Sunday 9 April Location: Christchurch Men’s result: 3rd place Women’s result: 4th place We are so proud of our University of Waikato Men’s 09

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and Women’s 3x3 teams. Everyone played really well against the tough competition from the other seven Universities from around NZ. We came away with a 3rd place and 4th place this year.

Both our teams made it into the semi-finals.

The men played the University of Auckland, and just lost 10 - 14. The women played Victoria University, and went into overtime, just losing out 7 - 9.

Then in the 3rd/4th playoff the guys beat AUT - Auckland University of Technology in a really close game 21 - 20 finishing up 3rd overall. And our women also played AUT just missing out to finish 4th with a score of 5 - 6.

NATIONAL TERTIARY FUTSAL CHAMPIONSHIPS Event date: Friday 7 - Monday 10 April Location: Christchurch Men’s result: 4th place Women’s result: 3rd place Well done to our University of Waikato Men’s and Women’s Futsal teams who competed at the National Tertiary Futsal Championships.

Our women’s team played really well throughout the tournament, finishing in 3rd place overall! They lost one game, drew one game and won all of their other games. They even beat AUT 6 - 5 - who went on to be the eventual winners of the tournament.

Our Men’s team also played very well narrowly missing out on a place in the final when they played the University of Auckland and just lost 4 - 5. They finished up 4th overall which was a great achievement.

Congratulations to Bahram Ahmadi (Ba Futsal) and Michaela Foster from the University of Waikato teams, who received the Golden Boot Awards. ♦

↑ WOMEN’S SEVENS TEAM

Sports — Hākinakina

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Blockbuster Card Tom Collopy The American Airlines Centre in Dallas will play host to UFC 211 on the 14th of May, and on paper it looks to be the biggest card of the year thus far. With two title fights and a number of fights that look like they could deliver big time it’s a card that just screams ‘pay for and watch me.’ I’m going to preview the two fights I’m most looking forward to and try my best to pick a winner.

↑ YA I R R O D R I G U E Z

FRANKIE EDGAR VS YAIR RODRIGUEZ The outcome of this fight could determine the next featherweight contender who will fight the winner of Jose Aldo vs Max Holloway. Frankie got back on track with a unanimous decision win over Jeremy Stephens in November, a fight where he looked in trouble at points but managed to pull through and get the W. Yair on the other hand is coming into the fight on an eight fight win streak, the last of those being a brutal KO victory over UFC legend BJ Penn. Frankie definitely comes in as the more decorated fighter, he’s a former UFC lightweight champion and has fought the better calibre of fighter but Yair will be no walkover.

Both fighters are dynamic, they have the power to knock you out and the technical ability to submit you which makes it a hard fight to call.

In my opinion this is going to be a really hard fight for Frankie, Yair is a well-rounded fighter who is super dangerous both on the feet and the ground. I think the key to the fight is Yair’s significant height and reach advantage which will allow him to control the distance and make it hard for Frankie to hit him and take him down. Yair will most probably be a significant underdog in this fight but I think he gets the job done here and puts himself in the conversation for a title shot.

EDDIE ALVAREZ VS DUSTIN POIRIER Just six short months ago Eddie Alvarez was on

top of the world, he was the UFC Lightweight Champ and headlining UFC 205 in Madison Square garden. After a TKO loss to Conor McGregor at that event, he is now on the undercard of UFC 211 fighting Dustin Poirier and boy is he going to be out to silence the haters. Dustin on the other hand is coming off of a majority decision win over Jim Miller, in a fight that earned a fight of the night bonus. Dustin has been quite successful since his move up to 155 and looked really good in his last fight against Jim Miller, but there’s a massive difference between Jim Miller and Eddie Alvarez.

I think Dustin will also be out to prove a point, in the past when he has come up against fighters with any sort of notoriety he has failed, so he has the opportunity to prove himself in that regard.

Whether he actually does is another story, I think Eddie is just way too strong here. Dustin doesn’t have the best chin and coming up against a guy with Eddie’s power it doesn’t look like keeping the fight standing bodes well for him. Eddie has near impeccable takedown defence as well as top draw wrestling, so I don’t see Dustin taking him down or trying to clinch with him, which just leads me to one conclusion; an Alvarez victory in what I think will be magnificent fashion.

There are so many other good fights on the cards though; Demian Maia and Jorge Masvidal battle it out in a fight of contrasting styles, Joana Jedrzejczyk looks to defend her strawweight belt and remain undefeated against Jessica Andrade and Stipe Miocic looks to defend his heavyweight title for the second time against former champ Junior Dos Santos. Mark it on your calendar people, May 14th, chip in to book the pay per view at home or use that money to have a few drinks down the pub and watch it as you’re definitely not going to want to miss this card!

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Sports — Hākinakina

Crash Course in Sports: Pub Quiz Cameron McRobie If you enjoy yarning about sports as well as getting loose at the local pub quiz – then tune in! Here’s the ultimate cheat sheet in outdated, overused and lame potential questions and answers so you can wow the lads on your next Monday Quiz at The Cook.

First hack: being a millennial, you can pretty much write off any chance of knowing even 50% of the quizzes content from the get go.

Remember, pub quizzes are the territory of dads, 40-somethings and various other old buggers so don’t expect to be going out and getting 9/10 in your debut against a contingency of seasoned quiz whizzes. There is basically no way around this, you may just have to wait 20 years and continue honing your somewhat average knowledge of late 80s rugby scores in the meantime.

Classic pub quiz sports sections will include at least one rugby related Q – at least here in New Zealand because we’re a bunch of stubborn bastards who aren’t resourceful enough to stray away from it for even one night. In said ruggers segment, don’t expect anything along the lines of “what colours do the Chiefs sport in a home game?” or “who was the hottest All Black in the 2015 World Cup team?” or anything else I know we can all relate to. Rather, you must prepare for trivia pre-your existence (anything from the late 70s to 1990 will do). Pre-existence if you aren’t a mature student that is – in the case that you are 28 or over, why the fuck are you reading this instead of asking in depth and potentially irrelevant questions to your lecturer?

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To give you a taster of the big time, some questions come across more than once are: Q: WHO HAS A LARGER SHOE SIZE, IAN THORPE OR SHAQUILLE O’NEAL? A: Shaq (Thorpedo’s size 17 doesn’t measure up to Shaq’s 21.)

Q: IN WHAT YEAR WAS THE WAIKATO RUGBY UNION FOUNDED? A: 1921 (Sad truth is one of the old bastards you’ll be up against probably remembers it.)

Q: WHAT WAS THE SCORE WHEN WAIKATO DEFEATED NORTH HARBOUR FOR THE RANFURLY SHIELD IN 2007?

A: 52 – 7 (Yeah, you were probably alive for this one – but such a niche answer you’d have a healthier chance of throwing three triple 20s blindfolded on the darts board.)

Disclaimer: the last question was borrowed from the underside of a Waikato cap, this is a subtle reminder for all of you who think it’s wiser to stay sober on a quiz night in order to keep a winning edge – don’t. It’s a proven fact that beer drinking ability equates to higher pub quiz IQ – they don’t put those questions under the lids for no reason.

Let me be the first to tell you you’ll appear a chump to your opponents who’ll be red faced, loud and still whipping your sorry, straight-edge arse. ♦

↑ SHAQUILLE O'NEAL

↑ WA I K AT O C E L E B R AT E A F T E R W I N N I N G T H E R A N F U R LY SHIELD ON AUGUST 25, 2007 I N A U C K L A N D, N E W Z E A L A N D.

Reviews — Arotakenga

Film Arotakenga Kiriata ‘The Duellists’ - Ridley Scott Review: Alexander Nebesky

-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5

Novella Arotakenga Pukapuka 'Of Mice and Men' - John Steinbeck Review: Brittany Rose

-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5

Video Game Arotakenga Tākoro Ataata 'Gods Will be Watching' - Deconstructeam Review: Conor Maxwell

-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5

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REVIEWS

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Given that Ridley Scott is releasing another film in his massively successful and iconic Alien, I took it upon myself to review Scott’s 1977 directorial debut – The Duellists.

The film spans the course of the Napoleonic, and stars Keith Carradine and Harvey Keitel as two hussars in Napoleon’s army. The film follows the interactions of the two as they meet periodically to duel, having developed a palpable rivalry after a brief encounter at the film’s beginning sparks one of many duels between them. In the modern day, the concept of honour to which both men subscribe seems foreign and senseless, but the story is told in such a way as to make that feeling of senselessness very real, without compromising the fact that the honor code it deals with was the self-same code by which men all over 19th century Europe lived and died. Each scene in the film is lit by candles or the sun, and as such, it takes on a very life-like aesthetic- the haze is real, the shadows creep into the frame to swallow up the scene, and that which finds itself illuminated in the shot looks real and alive, as if you were looking at it through a window.

The Duellists is not for everyone. It is beautiful, it is authentic, the performances are excellent; but the nature of the film, the premise, the focus on the evocation of a particular period, and character driven plotline may come across as a little dry to those without a vested interest in historical settings and stories, or those who want their action first and foremost and their characters’ characters kept to a minimum. ♦

There is no way to review this book in an original or insightful way because it’s a Penguin Classic. Rather than churning out some A grade bullshit, I’m going to tell you to read this book simply because it’s simple. It’s a great fit, Dear Nexus Reader, because you are probably simple, too.

John Steinbeck writes readable fiction. There are no seven line sentences filled with three semicolons and two sets of hyphens. The language is simple. Steinbeck does the groundwork for you, all you gotta do is care about the characters. When the wants of George and Lennie (the lead duo) are so basic, and their situation so hopeless, it’s hard not to feel your heart swell and your gut fill with building dread.

At 120-odd pages, the story is tightly structured, with strong imagery right from the first sentence. The pacing gives the plot momentum, and builds to a heartbreaking climax. The absolute best part of Of Mice and Men, aside from the simplicity, is that it’s novella-length keeps it short and (in this case, anything but) sweet. ♦

Starring the appropriately-named Sergeant Burden, Gods Will be Watching centres around a story of galactic terrorism, told over six chapters of increasingly infuriating difficulty. In each chapter of the game, the player guides Burden and his companions- including an android, a space shaman, and Serious Sam (seriously)- through gruelling trials, torture, suffering and the ever-presence of death.

The gameplay experience of Gods Will be Watching is one of manic micro-management and turn-based decision-making with no checkpoints; if you mess up (and you will), you’ll be thrown back to the start of the chapter. But not before the game gives you a snarky ‘you failed’ screen that reminds you of all the things you did wrong. Completing this game will take many, many attempts, but the tedium of repetition is wound into the story, as Sergeant Burden is revealed to be stuck in a time loop- eternally experiencing the same few months of his existence in an infinite number of ways.

Gods Will be Watching is bleak, unsettling, and provides a chilling commentary on the futility of perseverance in the face of a chaotic, uncaring universe. It’s the video-game equivalent of the feeling you get from watching Bojack Horseman after your friends told you it was a comedy. ♦

Reviews — Arotakenga

TV Arotakenga Whakaaturanga

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Do you like seeing naked jiggly bits on television? Do you like cringing seeing said jiggly bits battered and bruised from a nude banana boat ride? Then Dating Naked on Bravo is the show for you. One lady and one gent get to go on three blind dates while in a tropical paradise, then pick which contestant they want to live happily ever after with. There’s banging in the shower, there’s banging in the pool, there’s banging everywhere - because apparently, nudity and alcohol causes unbridled lust.

The people that enter are unashamed, body confident, and predictably- batshit bonkers.

These hopeless daters are then catapulted into crazy dates - like ziplining and body-painting using chocolate sauce - that some poor intern has had twenty minutes to set up, running to and fro like a headless chicken.

It’s a funny watch with the flatmates - a good bonding experience that will have you cringing and giggling the night away. It’s not quality by any means. It’s crass humour at its finest. ♦

‘Dating Naked’ - 9.30 Tuesday BRAVO Review: Jennie-Louise Kendrick

-5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5

Single Arotakenga Waiata ‘Hard Times’ - Paramore Review: Lyam Buchanan

It’s impossible to resist the charm of Paramore’s latest track. They’ve taken the heart wrenching dancey vibe of ‘Still Into You’, stripped it of any 2007 emo remnants and pumped an 80s vibe through the lyrics. They’ve started to incorporate that ever popular tropic theme into their drums but thankfully created their own hybrid without the painfully vanilla/Swedish DJ aspect. When you couple this beat with Taylor’s signature poppy guitar lines we’re pretty much left with a cleaner, more energetic ‘Ain’t It Fun’ (I’ll try stop comparing this to everything they’ve done in the past now I promise).

After studying the music video I can confirm there’s sadly no sign of their previous bassist in the mix, though the friendly face of Zac Farro has now reemerged after his seven years of solo projects to bring his own sound back to where it started. As much as I love this track I’m still hoping they’ll be releasing some classic angsty and emotional tunes, if this upcoming album doesn’t give me vivid flashbacks to my perfectly straightened pre-teen fringe I’ll be greatly disappointed. ♦

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EP Arotakenga Pakaemi

Amy Shark more like Amy Is-That-A-SHARK-In-The Water? No. It’s my heart. Drowning in my tears. I straight up fucking died at her gig and I didn’t think I could get more in love with the devil-may-care Gold Coast gal who basically lives in Adidas track jackets. On the 21st of April she released her debut EP Night Thinker and it has been on repeat since then. The production and instrumentation itself is nothing revolutionary and the melodies are fun and leave a lasting impression, but it’s her lyrics and voice that really grip you. She has a raw and unpolished quality that really drives home the real and autobiographical nature of her music.

All of her songs are the product of staying up late and over thinking everything, which not only makes for compelling listening, but is massively relatable for nocturnal folk like me. The EP really feels as though she has let you into her mind, and she weaves seamlessly between simple lines and intricate, poetic lyrics.

My only qualm is that I want more. ♦

‘Night Thinker’ - Amy Shark Bronwyn Laundry

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Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

FOMO Fieldays 2017 14th-17th June, Mystery Creek Events Center If you’re not already familiar with the Fieldays it’s just one big ol’ farming trade show. Chances are you’re probably not going to pop down to buy a new tractor, though if you’re a bit of a tradie you’ll be able to pick up some quality tools with some quality discounts.

If you’re feeling a bit skint on cash then spice up your CV and get looking on SJS, Trademe etc as companies will soon be looking for students to stand in their stalls and spin yarns to all kinds of rich farming folk.

Warriors v Dragons 19th May, FMG Stadium Waikato The Vodafone Warriors will be putting on a show in a few weeks when they take on the St. George Illawarra Dragons for the first home game of 2017. In all honesty I don’t know anything about NRL, however the lovely man who gave us a bunch of tickets to giveaway seems rather excited about it so you should be also. Keep an eye out in the magazine and across our social media platforms for a chance to win a double pass. ↓ SUE NICHOLSON

Answers From The Other Side 27th May, FMG Stadium Waikato Sue Nicholson, the host of Sensing Murder and undoubted queen of all that freaky, questionably fake goodness is gracing our city with her presence at the end of the month. This is sure to be a classic night out, though, with tickets ranging from $65 to $385 it might be slightly out of most budgets. If anyone would rather just get a cardboard cut out of Auntie Sue and go do a ouija board in the park behind Mei Wahs feel free to flick us an email xx

Neil deGrasse Tyson: A Cosmic Perspective 9th July, Spark Arena How good. Now instead of feeling lost in a sweaty dorm room with a bunch of marijuana infused pals you’ll be able to venture up to Auckland and do the exact same thing, except you’ll have 12,000 people surrounding you to really ramp up that paranoia.

Luckily they’ve got student tickets starting at $55 which isn’t too inaccessible. ♦

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Entertainment — Whakangahau

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Entertainment Hottest to Nottest →→ Sony has (reportedly) ditched alleged rapist Dr Luke →→ Durham the Library Corgi →→ Max Key eating 500 chicken nuggets →→ Admitting your addiction to ASMR →→ Adding salt to a meal before you taste it →→ Getting sticky fingers from eating prunes →→ The unsustainability of an all-avocado cafe →→ NZ Bachelor Jordan Mauger flipping a coin →→ Marine Le Pen →→ Kiwis who support Trump

Please Don’t Quote Me “IT’S YOUR MOM GETTING A LAP DANCE.” — Jenna Dewan Tatum doesn’t have family boundaries.

“WELL, IT DOESN’T HAPPEN BY JUST WAVING LITTLE’S/PETERS’ MAGIC WAND AND JUST WISHING IT WILL HAPPEN” — Peter Dunne confirms gossip about Winston Peters’ “Kingmaker” “THESE DISPOSABLE ITEMS GET THROWN ONTO THE ROADSIDES

BY FLY DUMPERS.” — Tom O’Connor reveals his experience with flying tampons being chucked from UFOs - Usually Female Orifices.

Crush of the Week: Alice Brine She’s salty AF, slightly chaotic, and completely unapologetic about using cotton buds to dig out earwax. New Zealand produces amazing female comedians, and Auckland-based Alice Brine is no exception. The Kiwi funny gal has received praise from the likes of Cosmopolitian UK and GOOD Magazine for her post on consent that went viral in 2016, and a large proportion of her comedy is based on being a strong independent single lady.

Bustle.com described her show as “One of the biggest and most eye-opening mic drops there ever was.”

Alongside her stand-up gigs, Brine also writes weekly columns on the Bachelor, and her disdain for the show. Alice Brine has her own show running as part of the 2017 NZ International Comedy Festival - you can buy tickets for ‘No One puts Briney in the Corner’ through iTicket.

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Arts — Toi

Auteur House John Clarke Richard Swainson When John Clarke died on April 9th two nations and a goodly portion of the literate world mourned. Three days later John’s daughter Lorin said something worthy of her father: “...we just all feel so lucky to have had that man in our lives and shape our lives... that’s what everyone who came across him should be feeling and if you felt like you had a connection to him then you did.”

I felt like Lorin was talking to me personally. Growing up in the early 1970s, John Clarke - or rather his satirical creation, Fred Dagg - was a comedic bright spot in an otherwise culturally one-note New Zealand. As a child I found his physical pranks funny if a little perplexing. As a teenager I came to appreciate his genius. It was his use of language that most appealed. John’s monologues both celebrated and critiqued the local vernacular. He was an international class talent and whilst there was a natural disappointment associated with the fact that he took that talent to Australia in retrospect he probably needed to in order grow artistically. What John achieved on Australian radio and television - the satirical, faux interviews with Bryan Dawe - was the equal of anything in the world.

In 2010, through the efforts of a colleague on a community radio show I was co-hosting at the time, I got to interview John over the telephone. Incredibly, this person whom I idolised spared two hours of his time to talk to two amateurs. We basked in the man’s wit. John’s intelligence and his preciseness of expression were astonishing. He was the most articulate man with whom I have ever conversed.

John’s generosity did not stop at agreeing to be interviewed.

Thereafter, he answered each and every time I summoned the courage to email him, usually within 20 minutes. When I asked, somewhat cheekily, if he would write a Fred Dagg monologue for my wedding, he did so without hesitation. When I offered condolence on hearing the news of his mother’s passing he responded by providing a link to a wonderful tribute he had written, one that included a fascinating story about how as a 13 year old he first met Barry Crump. It was an anecdote of almost mythic proportions.

No doubt John sustained such correspondence with hundreds of other fans but he allowed me to feel special. What a privilege to have known him. ♦

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↑ FRED DAGG

Feature — Kupu Whakaatu

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Somnambulism, Sex & Murder Jean Balchin

A R T BY L I A M C O F F EY

Ever wondered why your boyfriend tried to pull you out of bed at 1am and take you to the farmers’ market? Or how you inexplicably woke up curled at the foot of your refrigerator? This week Jean Balchin investigates the weird world of sleepwalking.

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Feature — Kupu Whakaatu

‘Twas 2am on the night all hell broke loose, and all through the house not even a metaphorical mouse was stirring - except for me. Clad in my faded Mickey Mouse nightie, I tottered out of bed, carefully opened the front door and pressed the doorbell, repeatedly and insistently. The bell’s shrill cries reverberated through the house, sending it into a state of disarray. Children tumbled bleary-eyed from their beds, the neighbour’s horrid little Jack Russell Terrier started yapping, and my father sighed with frustration. Hauling himself out of bed, he wrapped his nightgown around him and headed out in search of his wayward, ever-infuriating daughter.

Meanwhile, said daughter had escaped down the garden path and was heading out onto the open road, where a bemused late-night cyclist swerved to avoid the ghostly figure. My father bundled me up, and led me back to my bed. There’s a commonly held belief that one shouldn’t wake a sleepwalker, but in this case, my father had no choice. As we walked back through the open front door, the cries of my pregnant mother rang through the air. The merry peals of the doorbell ringing at the ungodly hour of 2am had given her such a fright that she had gone into labour. And so, thanks to my sleepwalking antics, my little brother Peter was born exactly two hours later.

Sleepwalking, or somnambulism (from the Latin somnus, for sleep, and ambulare, to walk around), is a phenomenon of combined sleep and wakefulness - a sleep disorder belonging to the parasomnia family. It occurs during slow-wave sleep of non-rapid-eye-movement sleep cycles, when the sleeper is in a state of low consciousness and can perform activities usually performed during the waking state.

These activities may be as harmless as cleaning the toilet in the middle of the night, or making a peanut butter sandwich. However, sleepwalking can also be an incredibly dangerous activity, involving cooking, violent gestures, driving or even homicide!

Sleepwalking has riveted audiences, poets and scientists alike, ever since Lady Macbeth first frantically rubbed her blood-stained hands together. The unquiet mind that forces the body to wander aimlessly through the darkness possesses a certain dramatic appeal. Both Hippocrates and Aristotle knew of the phenomenon, 19

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and Diogenes Laërtius was said to read, write and correct his works while asleep. Galen, a famous medical practitioner during the second century, actually wrote in his De motu musculorum that he once spent a whole night wandering about in his sleep, awakening only after he tripped over a stone in his way.

Supernatural explanations for sleepwalking dominated the Western world throughout the Enlightenment, terrifying many families and providing a great deal of work for already overburdened priests. I’ve no doubt the exorcism kit trade was booming. Who knew that whittling small wooden crosses and bribing the local priest for his bathwater could be so profitable? These occult beliefs persisted well into the nineteenth century and are still maintained by a fair few whack-jobs these days. As a small sleepwalking child, the notion that I might be possessed by a wayward demon or a malicious ancestor hell-bent on revenge terrified me. I remember many a sleepless night, desperately chanting the Lord’s Prayer in a bid to keep the pesky spirits away.

Sleepwalking also very much fed into the horror genre of literature as illustrated by the somnambulistic femme fatale Lucy Westenra in Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1897). Francis Ford Coppola’s film constitutes a marvelously melodramatic version of this tale, with Winona Ryder as Mina and Sadie Frost as Lucy. My favourite scene opens with dramatic chanting and the violent slamming of windows as tumultuous winds rip through Mina’s bedroom. She awakens to find that friend Lucy is nowhere to be seen – though the open French doors leave a clue as to her whereabouts. We follow Lucy, as clad in a billowing red dress, she flounces through the undergrowth, vines grasping her from either side. Wolves howl, and Mina runs after Lucy like a headless chicken, squawking her name. Mina eventually comes across the dreadful sight of Lucy writhing and moaning under a black hooded figure. Saucy. Why are sleepwalkers such easy targets for Dracula? Obviously, they’re less able to defend themselves physically. But their innate desires are less inhibited in the sleeping state, and desire bubbles to the surface. Dracula was set in the repressed era of Victorian England, when no one wanted to admit or acknowledge their sexual desires.

I still didn’t understand why people sleepwalked though. Bribed with a coffee, a psychologist friend of mine, Andrew, agreed to meet with me one rainy Friday afternoon. Andrew explained to me how several experts believe that sleepwalking in childhood is due to a delay in maturation. “High-voltage delta waves have also been found in many sleepwalkers up to the age of seventeen,” said Andrew, disregarding the look of confusion on my face, “which suggests that these people’s central nervous systems haven’t developed properly.” He went on “Or, sleepwalking could be caused by other factors which increase the length of the slow wave sleep stage, such as fever, stress, fatigue, sleep deprivation, hypnotics and drug and alcohol use.” I can certainly relate to the stress factor – come exam time each year, you can probably find me stumbling around the laundry cupboard, convinced I’m late for my maths exam.

Remembering my father’s belief in demons, I decided to reach out to psychics over the internet. On Spiritual Science Research Foundation’s website, I learned that the spiritual nature of sleepwalking was one of the reasons why “modern science has not been able to come up with a cure for sleepwalking.” I also discovered that departed ancestors and common ghosts playing pranks were the primary sources of mischief. This got me thinking: if the afterlife is a hedonistic pleasure-dome of endless wine and chocolate, why on earth would our ancestors want to trouble us puny humans left on this mortal coil?

But what happens when sleepwalking turns deadly? On a warm summer evening in July 2008, Brian Thomas and his wife Christine sat their campervan, watching the sun sink into the sea. The couple spent their retirement watching rugby together and traveling the countryside. After heading to bed, Brian and Christine were awoken at 11:30 by a bunch of rowdy teenagers. Unable to sleep, they drove to another location and went to bed again. The next thing Brian knew, he was awake, with his hands tightly grasping Christine’s neck. Panicking, he called 999, “I think I’ve killed my wife!” he told the operator. “Oh, my God. I thought someone had broken in. I was fighting with those boys, but it was Christine. I must have been dreaming. What have I done?” Was Brian Thomas to blame for the death of his wife, or was the event merely a tragic accident over which he had no control? He was eventually cleared of murder after the Crown Prosecution Service accepted he had not been in control of his actions but was not a danger to anyone else.

Given that there is no set framework for assessing whether a defendant was sleepwalking when violence occurred, a person’s fate often depends on the sophistication of the attorney and the sleep experts who testify. The notion of responsibility in cases of sleepwalking violence is a hugely controversial issue, and many judges and lawyers remain unconvinced that someone could execute a complex and violent act while sleeping. The question of whether a person was sleepwalking or not could mean the difference between a full acquittal or prison—with the possibility of the death penalty. The way courts view sleep needs to change, especially considering that the foundations of the criminal code relating to involuntary states such as sleepwalking haven’t been updated since the 1950s.

Moving on from murder to something a little less deadly, but just as indecent: sleep sex, or sexsomnia. This is a condition wherein a person will engage in sexual activities while asleep.

I couldn’t help laughing when I heard about a rare case of an Australian woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking.

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Feature — Kupu Whakaatu

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Sleepwalking has riveted audiences, poets and scientitst alike, ever since Lady Macbeth first frantically rubbed her blood-stained hands together.

”

For several months, this poor woman would go walkabout in the middle of the night, engaging in hanky-panky with the odd stranger, while her hapless boyfriend lay snoring in bed. The woman and said boyfriend were only alerted to her behaviour when her partner awoke one night to find her missing, and went out searching for her, only to find her engaged in the sex act. Peter Buchanan, the sleep physician at Sydney’s Woolcock Institute of Medical Research aptly described the situation: “Incredulity is the leading player in cases like this.”

So why does sexsomnia happen? Well, the subcortical area of the brain regulates basic biological impulses such as breathing, eating, aggression and arousal. The cortex (the largest part of the brain) usually polices these primal instincts while we’re awake, however during sleeping, it doesn’t operate fully – but the primal instincts still continue to fire off. Normally, this activity doesn’t disturb a sleeping person, but if the person is incredibly tired or has been drinking, or has a sexual dream, sexsomnia can occur. “From what we understand, sleep sex occurs before the muscles are paralyzed

by REM,” says Professor Mangan, a leading sleep researcher. Since the brain is never fully shut off, it makes sense that people can do complex things in their sleep, especially activities like sex that involve muscle memory,” he says. “There have been cases of people driving, moving heavy objects, or cooking — why should having sex be any stranger?” Maybe Bram Stoker was right after all – Lucy Westenra really just wanted to sex Dracula up.

The mind is a strange and wonderful organ. Sleepwalking is merely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to odd brain-body activity. All this research has left me thinking – who exactly is my sleepwalking self? She propels me forward, reassuring me with the perfect confidence of dream logic. I’ll walk, babble nonsense, and occasionally put myself in danger. What does my sleepwalking self think, as she pushes me closer to the open door, to the unlocked gate? I’ll never know. I might catch a snippet of her thoughts as I ascend through the layers of dreaming towards consciousness, but despite occupying the same physical space, I will never meet her.

It’s a little like living with a ghost after all. ♦ 20

endless adjective | end·less | \ˈen(d)-ləs\

1 : being or seeming to be without end an endless speech 2 : extremely numerous

• all the multiplied, endless, nameless iniquities — Edmund Burke 3 : joined at the ends

• an endless chain

warp noun | \ˈwȯrp\

1 a : a series of yarns extended lengthwise in a loom and crossed by the weft

b : foundation, base

• the warp of the economic structure is agriculture — Amer. Guide Series: N.C. 2 : a rope for warping or mooring a ship or boat 3 [2warp]

a : a twist or curve that has developed in something originally flat or straight

• a warp in a door panel

b : a mental aberration

Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Nexus Goes...

To The Big Dog Walk with Lots of Dogs Bronwyn Laundry Doggos, puppers, woofers, doges, whatever stupid name you want to call them, canine pals have been in the Internet spotlight for a while now. This is certainly a good thing when it comes to holding an event like the Big Dog Walk with Lots of Dogs that raises money for local charity Chained Dog Awareness, but a bad thing for my sanity.

As someone who loved dogs before they became a fucking meme, I jumped at the chance to don my WSU shirt and volunteer.

The day itself was beautiful; not a cloud in the sky and the sun was making even the E.coli infested waters of the Hamilton Swamp glisten. We were assigned to the Mashbone stall; the main sponsor and an offset of the Garage Project brewing company, so aside from perfecting a sales pitch on dog treats made from beer remnants, we got to hand out samples and meet all of the pups that passed.

Boy, were there some characters. They day started off quite cliquey with supermodel greyhounds presiding over the overenthusiastic border collies. Some dogs donned costumes, there was a great dane dressed as a bee, resplendent with little yellow wings. There were pooches in wheelchairs, not letting disabilities get in the way of their good time, and even a beautiful golden retriever with an Instagram named Ace, who donned a sparkly snapback and a genuine Louis Vuitton scarf to match his owner’s.

He was more than obliging to pose for photos.

As much as I pretend to lament at the memefication of millennial culture, getting to see “Cool Dog Groups” ditch the introverted Facebook pages and organise an event that promoted such a good message was pretty wonderful. Even oblivious lake goers and their children stopped to watch the hordes of people and their best friends walk past.

Unfortunately, we had the man the stall so we couldn’t participate in the walk, but feedback was overwhelmingly positive.

I couldn’t keep the smile off my face all day; it felt like a big group therapy session; the dogs were so well behaved, the owners friendly, and nothing was more heartwarming than the joy of mutual canine appreciation with hundreds of like-minded, selfprofessed dog people. ♦

↑ A S H L E I G H B P H OTO G R A P H Y

↑ JA R R E D W I LS O N P H OTO G R A P H Y ↓ A S H L E I G H B P H OTO G R A P H Y

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Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

Club Spotlight AIESEC Kevin Chow Partnered with the United Nations and present in 127 countries, AIESEC is the world’s largest youth-run organisation. We focus on leadership development among youth as we believe that this is the solution towards creating a better world. AIESEC was established after World War II as a solution to preventing future conflicts from arising. We believe that peace can be fulfilled in the world if we push youth to their fullest potential through placing them in challenging cross-cultural environments to increase their understanding of the world around us. It is only once we start to understand the world that we can start to work together to shape it. Thus, we equip youth with the hard and soft skills that they need to become a better leader and better version of themselves everyday.

Here at AIESEC in Waikato, we develop these qualities in two major ways, through volunteering and internship exchanges and membership. We offer exchanges because challenging oneself in a completely different environment, puts you outside of your comfort zone and pushes you to develop yourself. Full and ongoing support is provided both from us in NZ and the hosting AIESEC entity where you choose to do your exchange. Together we work with the United Nations towards the 17 Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) for the world which we hope to achieve by 2030. Every volunteer exchange through AIESEC is associated with working towards one of these SDGs. Through our membership, you gain both personal and professional development, real life experience on how to work in a team and international connections. Being a part of practical learning experiences teaches us a number skills which are able to be transferred over to other areas in our everyday lives. These experiences help prepare individuals for any obstacles that may be faced in the workforce or at any time in life.

Over the last year we have held two Global Village events.

This is a traditional AIESEC platform in which we celebrate the different cultures around the world through sharing food, activities and traditions. AIESEC Waikato has also recently partnered with Volunteer Waikato for our Community Involvement Program so that we can help students give back to our local community.

If you are interested in joining our organisation, or wanting to know more about our volunteer or internship exchange programs, email us at waikato@aiesec.org.nz. We look forward to hearing from you! ♦

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Student Experience — Wheako Tauira

NEXUS MAGAZINE

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Columns — Maramara Kōrero

COMME DES GARÇONS → A N N A W I N TO U R ↘

The Fashion Critic The Student Wears K-Mart Amanda van der Klompf Picture me; your elusive and austere PR maven, social media mogul and fashion critic extraordinaire. I perch on a patent white leather office chair - tweed skirt, crisp-collared blouse - filing through a somewhat endless stack of fashion photographs. My voice has the low pitched drone of an Anglo-American, my eyes masked by a pair of Gucci sunglasses. To save me from eating up the word count, watch a video of Anna Wintour and imagine what her protégé might sound like. Read the following passage of text in said voice.

The Fashion Critic has been launched to help you make sense of the surreal and bizarre fashion industry. My sweet Hamiltonians, I understand the difficulty facing you. We digest fashion in the Waikato region through the following methods: →→ Trawling the Recycle Boutique Instagram. (Another picture of Kate Moss! Yaaaas!) →→ That one #HealthGoth #Normcore girl you occasionally spot loitering around Momento. →→ Flicking through an issue of Vogue in the supermarket and realising that that magazine is a sell-out, corporate rag of garbage that ranks celebrity status over creativity, and then placing it back on the shelf.

Here I am; descending from the fashion heavens with bountiful information about the history of fashion, current trends, and the occasional piece of style advice. In case you were interested, the fashion heavens look somewhat similar to the Versace mansion in Miami - a Medusa tile mosaic, turquoise pools, and a scattering of muscular men lathered in oil.

But why should you care about fashion? In the bleak reality of university life, isn’t one of the few joys being able to wear the same sweatpants three days in a row, paired with a K-mart fleece hoodie?

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By all means, live your most authentic life as visual tribute to the people of Invercargill. You may be interested to know Balenciaga is selling the exact same product at a far higher price. You are, whether you like it or not, being a fashionista.

I promise to bring you all of the delights that New York, Milan, London and Paris have to offer. You can gawk at models wearing something similar to pancake art in the Comme des Garçons Fall 2012 runway. You can marvel at the artistic excellence of Alexander McQueen, or revolt against the infestation of “Kendall Jenners” and “Gigi Hadids” in the modelling industry. Fashion, while pretentious, is a circus of hilarity, splendour and horror.

You can expect Nexus to be picked up by Condé Nast before the end of the year. ♦

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Open Letter I am a Migrant Amy Yong The recent spat on the changes to immigration law has led to divided opinion. Some cheered and said, “This is long overdue.

The migrants are already flooding in, and we can’t contain them anymore.” Others would say, “What’s wrong with migration as long as they bring in the money and skills that we need.” Ok, how about listening to the migrant. I am a migrant, and I’ve step into this land of milk and honey (literally!) last year to pursue a long and uncertain journey called higher education. At the end of my pursuit, I will hopefully be categorised under ‘highly skilled’ migrant, although I doubt I am.

When I read the news about the changes to the immigration law, I was extremely disappointed, and that’s not because it will be harder for me to apply for residency, not at all! I am disappointed at how the leaders and some people look at us migrants. The term of how migrants were flooding in, we need to ‘turn down the tap’ and wanting only the ‘highly skilled migrants’ were some of the terms used to described the current immigration situation and the migrants. I wonder, have people ever stopped to think that each migrant is also a person. They have family and friends who care for them and whom they care. It might pay just to stop and think, why are they here? What are their hope and aspiration? What do they bring with them that is different from me?

Jumping to conclusions or using terms like, ‘turn down the tap’, ‘flooding in’ is so not cool. What, you seriously think I’m water?

Come on; I trust New Zealanders can do better than putting terms like this on real people. I get the frustration, I get the rising house prices and unemployment issues but don’t stoop down to the extent where you forget that migrants are also people. Don’t forget that these migrants might be the ones that are lending you a helping hand when you needed it, serving your freaking food, building the road that you so happily drive on, cleaning the streets and much more.

Next time you meet a migrant, be kind, and if you come across people using ‘unhuman’ terms, grow a spine and stand up for them.

Honestly, I’m very proud and touched that my friends, colleagues and people around me have never treated me like an alien. For the migrants, don’t lose hope! They are plenty of good people around. ♦

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Columns — Maramara Kōrero

Opinionated Fuck Fundamentalist Christian Homeschooling Jean Balchin Picture this: grey walls rising up on three sides of you as you sit, hunched over your schoolwork - a science worksheet repudiating the theory of evolution, using the Loch Ness Monster as an example for why Darwin was horrifically, inexcusably wrong.

Accelerated Christian Education (ACE) is an American educational program for students from New Entrant level to the end of high school, founded in 1970 by Dr Donald R. Howard. ACE is taught in over 6,000 schools in 145 countries worldwide – including New Zealand. ACE is also utilised as a homeschooling program - because it does not require any actual teaching on the part of the parent, virtually any family can use it, including my family. Regrettably, I was ‘educated’ under this ‘educational program’ for some time. ACE upholds the belief that the Bible is literally true, and that there should be no distinction between church and state.

Religious instruction is embedded in every facet of this educational system. Biblical principles and concepts are insidious and inescapable. History is presented as ‘His-Story’, the unveiling of God’s will. The concept of Creationism underlies every Science lesson, and evolution is simply a devilish lie. ACE is also flawed because it relies upon disproved, outdated methods of teaching and learning that restrict a child’s imaginative and creative potential, as well as discouraging actual understanding in favour of rote memorization. For example, in my experience with English lessons, I only remember filling in countless pages of grammar exercises – I cannot recall ever studying a book or a poem.

ACE is also very problematic with its insensitivity towards black people, Jews, and Asians – in fact, anyone who isn’t white.

ACE supports racial segregation, arguing that although apartheid appeared to allow the unfair treatment of blacks, it was nonetheless a remarkably successful system, enabling the development of South Africa into a modern industrialised nation; “White businessmen and developers … turned South Africa into a modern industrialised nation, which the poor, uneducated blacks couldn’t

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have accomplished in several more decades.” Forget the misery, poverty and racism occasioned by such a scheme – as long as white Christian businessmen were in power, all was well in the world.

It’s no secret that religious fundamentalism and feminism aren’t exactly compatible. Traditional, restrictive ideas of femininity and masculinity are reinforced throughout ACE, from English lessons where students studying grammar are asked to underline words about women submitting in the home to cartoon strips where young girls are shamed for daring to show their knees. Consider this question, found in a maths lesson: “You come home from school to find a sink full of dirty dishes. What should you do out of consideration for your mother?” One of the less-than-credible answers is actually “Tell your sister to do the dishes while you do your homework.”

Finally, ACE is the antithesis of scientific information and methods. ACE is incessantly and inexcusably Young-Earth Creationist, with “evidence” for creation included in virtually every lesson. Evolution is denigrated as “impossible” and a “sinking ship”.

According to ACE, evolutionary scientists believe that “There were only fish. Then one day a fish mysteriously gave birth to a frog.

Then there were reptiles… Then there were mammals… Then one day a monkey gave birth to a human and… voila! The human race.”

Sigh.

I guess I’m one of the lucky ones - I escaped ACE after only half a year. I returned to a secular primary school and went on to high school, where I learned about safe sex, evolution and women’s rights.

I still can’t fathom the rationale for why so many parents are willing to put their children through what can only be described as psychological abuse. I guess that ultimately, if you seriously believe you are saving children from Hell, you can justify anything. ♦

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Columns — Maramara Kōrero

Tinder Tales Reptilian Physiology 341 Shelley Bay 18 / F / Bisexual After breaking up with my high school sweetheart and discovering I liked to have sex with women, I decided to put myself out there and make a Tinder profile. It was tiring, I’d usually only have to text my ex in order to get some sugar, now I basically had to complete a virtual mating dance.

Putting yourself on the line is a total ego trip; you can’t figure out whether people are despy enough to bang you or generally find you attractive.

Several hundred swipes later and I end up chatting with a few hunnies. I actively avoided the crazies, like one guy who admitted to having a pee fetish, and a chick that wouldn’t stop talking about her bloody gap year. Finally, I matched with this hottie with a body.

She seemed normal enough and was fully committed to the whole ‘sleeping with girls’ side of the arrangement, unlike half the women on Tinder who use the platform to find thirds in a threesome with their gross BF for some kind of present-giving holiday. For all intents and purposes, I’ll refer to her as Turtle.

We first met at a cafe at uni for a coffee date and seemed to really hit it off. She was smart and actually looked like her profile photos; a feat that is hard to achieve when some people are still using their ‘skinny’ photos from before they packed on the Fresher Fifteen and hit second puberty.

Fast forward a few days and we decide to drink a few wines at hers. I bought a cheap bottle of clear-skin and a packet of bagel crisps. Romantic gestures at its finest. After watching a horrible Disney movie, I should’ve gotten creepy vibes - but my freak radar was overridden by my lady boner.

As hookups often do, we progressed to her unlit bedroom for a more private affair. She flicked the light and I was ready to run.

There were terrapins everywhere; stuffed versions on the bed, turtle posters, a pair of socks covered in them, and a tank full of the scaly, little fellas.

I stepped, I left, and I don’t regret leaving.

The poor girl had no clue why I was suddenly feeling ill and had to leave. I felt a bit bad, she had told me so much personal stuff she had really come out of her shell. ♦

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Putting yourself on the line is a total ego trip; you can’t figure out whether people are despy enough to bang you or generally find you attractive.

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Columns — Maramara Kōrero

Yam & Troy the Science Boys Deepweb Yam and Troy So we shall take a journey away from the science today, I say that like it was ever very sciencey, to begin with. Let’s talk about the internet my lovely readers, more specifically, the deep and dark web.

The deep web is defined as any site or page that is not listed and cannot be found by search engines. We use the deep web in daily life more than we realise. Anything that we use that is protected by passwords or paywalls exists on the deep web. Anything from your online banking, to your Netflix account, exists on the deep web. This stops people from accidentally stumbling across this in a regular old Google search and potentially wreaking havoc on your ‘secure’ information. However, the deep web is not where all the scary weird shit happens, the anonymous world of darknets that make up the dark web is where the criminal underworld exists.

Back in the dark ages of the 1990s, the United States Government became concerned about the idea that anything done using the internet, can, and is, tracked and recorded. This is where onion routing and darknets were born. What is known as the Naval Research Laboratory (NRL) began developing this technology, a type of overlay network that exists above another network in order to communicate anonymously. The network being overlaid in this scenario was the internet as we know it. The NRL developed The Onion Router (TOR) which is a form of overlay network and is a type of darknet. The only way for traffic on a darknet to be intercepted and recorded is by being in control of either the source or the destination, there is no way to intercept it using some midpoint, which is hugely beneficial to being anonymous online. Darknets are networks that require specific software to access, such as TOR or I2P or Freenet to list a few examples.

Anonymous browsing was all well and good for a while. However, a problem was encountered by the developers. Because the US Government owned the software, it became obvious whenever they visited websites. This meant that as soon as an anonymous user connected, the administrator of a site would immediately

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know there was a federal agent having a gander. This was when TOR was released to the public so that it was truly anonymous.

Once the public had access to darknets, this is where things became interesting. Because anonymity was ensured, it became obvious that darknets could be used for illicit purposes. As of 2016, it has been estimated that of the hidden services operated

by TOR (websites that can only be accessed using TOR), 57% of them contain illegal content. This ranges anywhere from child pornography to weapons and drug dealing, to assassination. There is no evidence to suggest that any assassinations have ever been carried out, but the online drug bazaar known as Silk Road has been shut down numerous times and has estimated annual revenues of $1.2 billion. And that is the ultimate cost of anonymity, either everyone is anonymous; including criminals, or no one is. ♦

Columns — Maramara Kōrero

NEXUS MAGAZINE

P H O T O G R A P H Y : A L E S S A N D R A TA N E → @ A L E S S A N D R A R O S E T TA →

Darts & Crafts Can Do Part 1: Can-dles Emily Reid The world is divided into two types of people: the ones who openly admit to loving scented candles and those who pretend they don’t.

Join the former and use those unloved and unused tin cans in your recycling to make something for yourself or someone special (Mother’s Day is coming up and you’re poor, thank me later).

MATERIALS →→ An empty, clean tin →→ Candle wax flakes →→ A candle wick →→ Scented oil (optional) →→ Hot glue gun →→ Saucepan →→ A larger metal tin or bowl →→ (The candle making materials were sourced on Trademe, you yourself can get enough to make a metric shit ton of candles for around $20) HOW TO CRAFT: →→ To figure out how much wax you’ll need, fill the can to the brim with wax flakes and then add about half that amount again.

Empty the wax into the larger tin or metal bowl. →→ Hot glue the base of the wick to the bottom of the inside of your tin →→ Fill your saucepan with boiling water and get it going on a gentle heat →→ Place your metal container into the boiling water and give it a stir until the wax flakes become a clear liquid. Feel free to add candle dye and scent at this point if you have it handy →→ Carefully pour the liquid wax into your tin can, while holding the wick up so it doesn’t sink into the abyss →→ Wait for the wax to fully harden before you light it up ♦

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SNAPPED Snapped — Atapaki

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WIN

NER

Snap nexusmag your shenanigans! The best snapchat each week wins a voucher from our mates at BurgerFuel. Claim it from the Nexus office in SUB. Disclaimer: If you wish to withdraw a snap from the magazine before publication on Thursday, email us a detailed account of what the snap is and why it needs to be removed.

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Blind Date — He aru makau

NEXUS MAGAZINE

Blind—

Brought to you by House on Hood Street.

Each week Nexus attempts to make a love/sexual connection.

If you're keen for a date on us, email editor@nexusmag.co.nz He’s an engineering lad and sportsman with an impressive collection of zany socks. She’s a second year science student and self-professed animal lover looking for a “mature and funny” but “non-douchey” dude. Will they do it like they do on the Discovery Channel, or be victim to the science/engineering socially inept stereotype?

SHE SAID: Considering I've had Tinder for months but never actually met anyone because I'm scared of stranger danger, I decided to put myself out there and go on a blind date. My best gal pals were there for moral support and makeup preparation beforehand. It dawned on me that I literally had no idea who I was about to meet. I didn't even know his name. I hit the wines to calm the nerves beforehand. Upon meeting him I thought he was cute, he had a nice smile and was well presented.

My buddy that dropped me off was texting me almost non-stop, turns out he was really cool and I didn't have to text her our code word to get me out of the situation. We seemed to have a lot in common, we chatted about uni and sports and family etc. We ordered food and had plenty to drink. Soon enough 3 hours had passed, we seemed to get along great really well, I didn't even notice the time go by. We finished the bar tab plus more and ended up being the last pair in the bar. Overall it was a great night with a fun guy with good banter.

HE SAID: Blind date tip #1: Don’t polish off a bottle of questionable home brew in the hour before meeting the potential love of your life.

Showing up to House a safe two minutes past seven, I began by spinning a yarn with the bartender who was convinced I had misread the date and turned up a night early, fuck.

Nevertheless I was then shown a table and the first of many Tokyo Drys showed up about the same time as my date – phew.

We battled through the first half hour of

forced topics like “How’s your study treating you?”, “Do you play any sports?” and “Where’d you go to school?” Turns out she’s a science/psych student (could be worse), the token ‘gumby’ on her club football team and went to a fairly dodgy Hamilton high school – I quickly checked my pockets for reassurance that my phone and wallet were still present.

After promising myself I’d leave my phone alone, I lost all self-control when a gal I had already been spading for a week or so started snapping me during my third or fourth toilet break of the night. Whoops.

Near the end we both ordered two more drinks (mistake). I asked whether she wanted to hang out after – she said she wanted to but couldn’t, that’s when she got cryptic and started asking me what my deal breakers were. After listing all I could think of, she assured me she had a deal breaker to beat all. This scared me, I finished one of the two drinks. My date then decided it was easier to just show me what she thought would be the biggest turn off, naturally I was ready to see the bottom of my final drink. She wasn’t wrong, it was a pretty big uh-oh for me. As she was frantically trying to explain herself, my world started spinning. Everything from here was a total blur, I can confirm however that my ride home had to stop at least seven times for me.

To make me even more disappointed in myself, as I was hugging my flat’s toilet bowl – I missed several texts and Snapchats from the same gal I’d been Snapchatting that read things like “Can’t finish a good night with her, might as well with me”, then later after I had passed out - “Or not lmao have fun with her xx”. Fuck my luck.

Date.

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Puzzles — Panga

Horoscopes

Wordfind

ARIES: MARCH 21 — APRIL 19 By the time you turn 30, you will have spent an entire month of your life having birthdays. That’s a lot of time spent ignoring the inevitable aging process.

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CANCER: JUNE 21 — JULY 22 Your sign is known for being empathetic and in touch with your emotions. While most of the time these are great traits to possess, this week you may need some concrete pills.

LEO: JULY 21 — AUGUST 22 Mercury is in your zone, just like the *VARIOUS RUGBY TEAM* were all up in the *OTHER VARIOUS RUGBY TEAM’S* Try Zone last *WHENEVER THE GAME DATE WAS*. Hopefully you can score just as much.

VIRGO: AUGUST 23 — SEPTEMBER 22 You are kind and caring, with a strong connection to the earth and environment, and here’s the sign you’ve been waiting for - It’s time to go vegan.

LIBRA: SEPTEMBER 23 — OCTOBER 22 You are kind and caring, with a strong connection to capitalism and the economy, and here’s the sign you’ve been waiting for - It’s time to eat the menu at BK. SCORPIO: OCTOBER 23 — NOVEMBER 21 Only five weeks until the next university holiday, so hang in there and count down the days until you can eat Coco Pops in your undies, guilt free.

SAGITTARIUS: NOVEMBER 22 — DECEMBER 21 Astrology is a highly debated area of science: Is it real? Is it witchcraft? Is it fake nonsense, or does astrology govern our every move? Only the stars know…

THEME: Yoga position or sex position? You decide!

CHAIR

WILD THING

PLANK

MISSIONARY

SIDE RIDER

STANDING TIGER

PEACOCK

FIRE LOG

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DEEP STICK

LOTUS

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LOCUST

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STANDING SPLIT

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PASSION PRETZEL

Simple Puzzles 4 Simple People

CAPRICORN: DECEMBER 22 — JANUARY 19 Travel is on the cards for you this year, the planets have aligned to bring you a grand European adventure… oh wait, nope, that’s actually just a bus trip to Porirua.

AQUARIUS: JANUARY 20 — FEBRUARY 18 StudyLink have just changed their hold music, so if you were using their phone system as a way to hear some low quality Dave Dobbyn tracks, you’re out of luck.

PISCES: FEBRUARY 19 — MARCH 20 Your sign is pedantic and fussy, sometimes also inflexible and cold. That’s not a bad thing however, just perfect your death stare and get down to getting shit done.

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Draw the final symbol in the box above

Puzzles — Panga

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ACROSS 1. A person who pretends to be someone else for entertainment or fraud (12) 4. Rowling or Gaga (6) 7. Hillary Clinton’s maiden name (6) 8. Opposite to the Arctic (10) 12. Lives alone on an island in Iceland (5) 13. A payment made to a professional person or to a professional or public body in exchange for advice or services (3) 14. The capital of North Korea (9) 16. Red or King?

17. Bill or language?

19. Name of woman in famous Bill Clinton affair (6) 20. Capital and the largest city in the Northern District of Israel (8) 21. Apollo’s twin sister (7) DOWN 1. A Swedish actress who starred in a variety of European and American films (6, 7) 2. Natalie Imbruglia song (4) 3. Episodic recording of radio show (7) 5. Wellington suburb home to Weta Workshop (7) 6. Bronte character inspiration for Kate Bush song (10) 9. Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is in which US City (9) 10. The line over the ‘ā’ of Maori (6) 11. NZ fashion brand Liam’s parent brand (4) 12. Famous literary sisters; Emily or Charlotte 14. Book publisher, classics (7) 15. Famous puzzle company (6) 18. City in which Kim Kardashian was robbed (5)

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