Nexus Issue 1 by Nexus Magazine

O Week 2012 Issue #1

Nexus chases the big O!

New layout, new features, new president, same old Mr. Minty Fish and Sports Thoughts.

Contents How Saph Sees It Short News for Tall People News in Haikus Alix’s Opinions Oh, What a Wonderful World Lettuce It’s not that Easy being Sam Mr. Minty Fish Quiet Riot Tangata Tumeke 8 Ball Sports Thoughts Mistakes of a Miscreant I’m Old as Hell Sash on Screen Half Baked with Mel What’s On during the Day? Club Spotlight Puzzles In Review Hot Fuzz Quintessential Reading Spotlight on the Arts

4 5 5 7 8 10 12 14 16 18 20 21 22 25 26 27 28 30 32 33 34 36 38

Credits

Design: Katrina McIntosh (design@nexusmag.co.nz) Advertising: Tony Arkell (ads@nexusmag.co.nz) Editorial Team:Benjamin Royce, Raffy

Contributors

Greg Stack, Racer X, C-ball, Courtney Q, Sash Gordon (saviour of the universe), Alix Higby, Sapphire Gillard, Sam Taylor, Priscilla Ngatai, Mr. Minty Fish, Melanie Mathews, Constable Nick Sickelmore, Nick Johnston. Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS PUBLICATION ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE VIEWS OF NEXUS PUBLICATIONS 2003 LTD, ANY OF OUR ADVERTISERS, THE WSU, APN, THE EDITOR OR ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. Nexus Ground Floor, Student Union Building, Gate One, University of Waikato, Knighton Road, Hamilton. Phone: 07 838 4653 Email: editor@nexusmag.co.nz Postal: Private Bag 3059, Hamilton

From the Editor’s Desk Welcome all, to Nexus magazine for 2012. Word on the street is, the world’s going to end on the summer solstice this year, which begs the question as to how time zones will affect the mass devastation, and planet-ending cataclysm. Does Gisborne suffer first, as the Four Horsemen sweep west across land and sea? Or does a malevolent force simply switch off a light somewhere, plunging the world into a cold silence? Ultimately, you need not worry, as Nexus is here. Nexus, the veins through which pump the lifeblood of student culture. Nexus, the soundtrack to your tertiary education. Nexus, the other third thing that rounds off this cunning literary device. We’ve changed things around a little here, for 2012. Media, like all things, must grow and evolve. If you’ll permit an ambitious and geeky analogy, each year of Nexus is like a season of Doctor Who. As an editorial staff departs, and the magazine builds upon the foundation of its legacy, it becomes an entirely different entity. New writers emerge, while veterans continue to hone their craft. It truly is a thing of beauty. Speaking of editorial staff departing, your friendly neighbourhood Nexus team has some pretty big shoes to fill. Joshua Drummond, who edited the magazine back in 2008, has gone on to write some witty and insightful pieces for the Waikato Times. Dave Snell, who wrote the Boganology 101 column in previous years, got his name on the inside of a beer bottle cap. And that, my friends, is what you have signed up for. What you hold in your hands is part of a legacy, and (don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise) the single most important aspect of being a university student. Something growing, changing, adapting. Something that is at times both infantile, and ancient. Heck, steal a copy from your friend, colour it in during your first lecture, and you’ve made yourself a wedding present. Now take a moment. Feel the pages between your fingers. Feel that tingle of excitement as you embark with us, on a most fantastic journey. Orientation begins, student culture explodes, brand new sights and smells await you. Follow us, as we lead you through the pitfalls and trials of student life. As we teach you about flat politics and social diplomacy. As we tell you things that will make you laugh, and make you cry, and make you uncomfortable. It may be scary, but don’t worry. Nexus has got you. We are here to help you fill your days, and to fill your minds. Infotainment, I’ve heard it called (and a spell check isn’t even picking up “infotainment” as an error). We are your outlet, your repository of all things. We want your letters, telling us your thoughts and fears and concerns and troubles. We want your feedback. We want to know what you like. We want to make university a pleasurable experience for students. We want to draw the ink from your pens, to inspire you, and be inspired by you. We want to teach you, and be taught by you. We want this to be a fulfilling relationship for all parties, to give you something to look back on and think “Yeah, I remember Nexus.” Oh, who are we kidding? Chances are you’ve stopped reading already, because you heard there was a puzzle page with prizes, or recipe ideas lurking in the back somewhere. Something that tickles your immediate fancy. Something that lights your fire. That’s okay; it’s what we’re here for.

How Saph Sees It Gems of Wisdom Kia Ora and welcome (back) to the University of Waikato! As your WSU president, I hope you have a year to remember making awesome memories that will last a life time. If you ask me, this year is going to be smashing with O-week being hotter than ever. The student centre is up and ready to rock. Our student spaces are fantastic. And we are ready to party! Make sure you find us on the green this week. We’ll be down there every day offering you the best that O-week can offer. Prizes, activities, general directions, you name it we’ve probably got it. We’ve even got soapy soccer and bands galore. What more could you want? This o-week, the must attend week long party of 2012, is going rock. Not to mention everything’s better with W and if you have yours, this week is going to be fantastic with savings left, right, and centre. Do you have yours? If you don’t, you’re lame because you’re completely missing out! W-Card is the best thing since sliced bread. It’s just one way that the WSU is providing you with an awesome o-week and year-long discounts. Why would you not get one? But, we’re not just about partying. We’re all about you and “providing an awesome student experience” is what the Waikato Students’ Union is all about. We’re here to make sure that your time at uni is one that you remember – for all the right reasons. This essentially boils down to four core services (yes, we offer more than just alcohol! AMAZING!):

Advocacy: we’re here to help you out if you get stuck. If you have an issue with the uni, an issue with your landlord, an issue with your employer, or really any issue that you want some advice on, come see our advocates!

Clubs: we’re here to help you make friends. Come down to Clubs Day on Wednesday during O-week and see the 60+ clubs that we have, ranging from sports clubs to professional development clubs to crazy fun clubs.

Events, Activities and Entertainment: we’re here to make sure you have fun. We provide events and activities on campus to give you something to do after / before class, and we also work with the bars in town to make sure there’s awesome stuff for you to enjoy after hours. What’s more, we publish Nexus each week so that you have something entertaining

to read between and/or during your sometimes boring lectures. Representation: we’re here to represent students’ views to the university. We have connections with people and positions on boards all over the university where we provide a student perspective on decisions that the University is making – who else will think of the students?

O-week is going to be fantastic. This year is going to be amazing. I hope to see you on the green rocking out (between those essential first week classes of course). Not to mention I’ll see you on our no fuss free bus – the safe and convenient way to get to town from campus during o-week. Make sure you say hi to the amazing team of WSU directors, staff, and volunteers that are making this week possible. They are a fantastic bunch. You really couldn’t ask for better. So come join us. Sign up during O-week and be a part of this fantastic organisation. If you want to know more or have any ideas/feedback flick me an email president@wsu. org.nz I’d love to hear from you.

Sapphire Gillard WSU President 2012

Short News for Tall People A New Way To Drink Coke An American man was arrested at Auckland Airport for attempting to smuggle an estimated million dollars worth of cocaine into the country by suspending the cocaine in bottles of beer. Quick tip for any future cocaine smugglers reading this, smuggle the cocaine in bottles of Double Brown. Not even the drug sniffing beagles would be caught dead near them in case a French poodle happened to be walking by and thought they actually drank the stuff.

Lawless Not Above The Law Actress Lucy Lawless was one of six protesters arrested last week after their occupation on a ship to protest exploratory drilling. The arrests took place on the ship ‘The Noble Discoverer’ and came only a day after Lawless told an international audience that Shell was “going Guantanamo on us.” The protestors who were all dressed in #save the arctic shirts and chanting did not resist arrest. However we can only speculate the damage this will do to Miss Lawless’ career who, thanks to this incident, will always be associated with wearing a stupid costume and yelling things.

The News Written in Haikus Sex offender has been working in schools If the tales are true, They’ve done it for a while now. …in Catholic schools.

Doctor says “Sorry” over newborn death Better than “Fuck you!” And kicking baby through wall, But still: negligence.

Police fight couch fires with sizzle Tame unruly kids! Arsonists paid with sausage! Beat dicks with wieners?

Career fraudster jailed again Fool me once, for shame! I have Alzheimer’s, you know… …fool me once, for shame!

2012

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Alix’s Opinions

America <3s guns. What’s new. A troubled American teen opened fire in the cafeteria of an Ohio high school early Tuesday morning, fatally wounding one boy and injuring 3 others as they waited for a bus to neighbouring school. American gun laws and the NRA are naturally taking most of the blame (What happened to ‘guns don’t kill people, people kill people’?) but some people are going as far to insist that EVERYONE should carry a firearm, you know, just in case someone else goes postal during recess. Because a cafeteria full of gun-wielding teens and educators would definitely take the edge off that kind of situation. Students went on to describe the lone shooter as an “outcast” and “quiet” withspeculation that his emotional instability stemmed from being bullied and reached a peak when his girlfriend left him for one of his mates. Ah, High School. Hasn’t changed. Kiwi wins Oscar. Country goes wild. Kiwis got a solid boost of that addictive national pride at the Oscars this year when Flight of the Conchords man Bret McKenzie took home an award for Best Song; Man or Muppet, from the latest Muppets blockbuster. He took to the podium to thank his parents for letting him follow his dream and never telling him to ‘get a real job’, which was coincidentally timed with our government getting up to tell everyone to do quite the opposite. Nevertheless Facebook and Twitter exploded with praise for the New Zealander as everyone wanted to claim the victory for themselves. Funnily enough most seemed to forget that the other half of the Kiwi Conchords team, Jermaine Clement, was also nominated for the same category – an honour in itself, you’d think… I also heard a couple of home-sick ex-pats got a wave of nostalgia for a moment in light of McKenzie’s win. And then they went back to their successful, international jobs.

National hates beneficiaries (not really) Comprehensive welfare changes are set to get underway, in particular pushing parents with young children into the parttime work force when their youngest child turns five. In addition to this, if a beneficiary has a child while already on the benefit, once this child is 12 months, the parent must actively start looking for work. While designed to discourage beneficiaries from having more children while on the benefit, child advocates find it disregards the child’s needs at such a crucial development period and beneficiaries themselves are feeling the pressure. New Zealand’s current jobless environment is what seems to have beneficiaries worried, but as pointed out by the Prime Minister himself, if they genuinely cannot find a job then their benefit will not be altered. He’s also pretty adamant that there are plenty of jobs out there for beneficiaries; they’re just not looking hard enough. Gees. Considering how many fresh graduates are taking whatever is left in the fast food and supermarket industry these days, let alone the yearly mass exodus to Australia, I’m not so sure anyone’s really convinced by that one, John. Man gambles for bail money. Nifty. In other news, A thirty four year old man in Philadelphia was arrested last week after winning a cool US$2500 (NZ$2997) after a couple of casual rounds of blackjack at a local casino. Turns out he was wanted on several separate charges of drug dealing (…what serious gambler isn’t?) and when he produced identification to claim his winnings he was caught out. Dude saw it coming though; the motive behind his little gambling trip was to pay off his impending bail. Ha. Now I don’t support drugs and gambling in any way, shape or form – especially as means of supporting yourselves financially - but I think he’ll have a few choice stories to tell the grandkids now.

Oh, What a Wonderful World

By Greg Stack So you’ve closed your last high school textbook, thrown a suitcase into the back of your parent’s car and headed to this wonderful institute of higher learning. On your arrival you get told about this magical five days called Orientation Week, where for some seemingly insane reason regular law seems suspended. A single week where you’re told that nudity, drug use, alcoholism and sex are so normal it will make you ashamed that it has taken so long to get to University. Oh, what a wonderful world. However, you’ll quickly discover that O-Week is somewhat of a myth, like the Yeti, Loch Ness Monster or the female orgasm. On the surface it’s marketed as the nightlife equivalent of a pungent deodorant for pubescent boys ... full of sex... sex ... and, well, more sex ... but in reality the week of mayhem is somewhat tamer. You’ll go to class, make new friends and get drunk a lot. Over your University life you’ll probably come to use this rinse-and-repeat procedure more often

than washing your clothes (especially if you’re flatting) and eventually, like your infrequently cleaned clothes, the proverbial shine will wear off. But for now, while your sheets are still fresh and have that “mum smell”, this opening week of Semester A is new and different to any other. It’s a collection of days where you will be given the tools to change your life and become the person you’ve always wanted to be. University really is the great leveler and enabler, at least if you are white, middle class and male. It’s easy to go through high school anonymous, with bad skin, hated on for liking Pokémon (do kids still play that?) and bullied relentlessly for your baby fat but here no one will know your name. And that’s a good thing. Please… for the good of humanity … Don’t make the same mistakes you did when you were younger. University is a fuck off big reset button – so push it. Challenge your lecturers (it’s called learning), ask that hot girl or guy out for a drink (it’s called growing balls), drink a lot (it’s called higher

functioning alcoholism), try new things (it’s called group sex), support a political movement (there are better choices than National or Act) – this is the chance to re-invent yourself.

Don’t be that person.

And all of that self reflection is just as important as any of your classes – it’s the social situations

I’ve always grabbed O-Week by its horns - I’ve got the scars to prove it. I’ve fallen off the roof of a car while it was driven through Hillcrest at high speed, I’ve urinated in the foam at a

that really do set you up for long term success. No one will want to hire you for longer than three months if you can’t hold down a conversation without referring to your love of Zelda or how you are a master Ocarina player or how you can also use your heart shaped flute as a bong. There is going to be parties to frequent, bands to listen to and people to perve at… and the best thing about all of O-Week is that every bar in town will be competing for your patronage (they tend to give up once you leave and you start having to pay full price for drinks). But ultimately it’s your choice weither you take advantage of these opportunities. There are a lot of people who will safely plod through their university life avoiding unpredictable situations and will probably do okay. They’ll get a solid job in middle management, find a wife who will spit out some kids or a husband who will be addicted to porn and life will be boring, but it will be ok… just ok.

Take advantage of the opportunities provided.

foam party, I’ve beaten my drinking record each Beerfest and won a progressively worse hangover. And while none of these individual incidents have been terribly beneficial in later life (I do have misgivings about making the foam even more unsanitary) the social lessons, and the spirit for adventure, developed during my stint in tertiary education provided me with some of life’s greatest lessons. If you choose to embrace it O-Week could be the biggest turning point in your life... At least until the day you close your final university textbook, throw your suitcase in the back of the taxi and head to the airport to wait for your flight to Aussie to get to the job that doesn’t exist in New Zealand. Oh, what a wonderful world.

Lettuce Nexus wants your Lettuce!

Write about anything you like, as long as it’s under 250 words. We’re like FOX News, in that we’ll publish anything if it’s funny. Your name won’t be attributed to your letter if you choose, and pseudonyms are fine (we still need your real name). Send them through to lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz before 5pm on Wednesday for a chance to be included in the next week’s issue. Also, we won’t edit anything you send us, because it’s funnier that way. There’s Always One Good day How are you? I would love to tell you about myself. My name is Tatyana i live in Russia. I looked few dating sites, and I found your profile. I have decided to write email to you. I thought we can be friends and to have the serious relations if you do not mind. It would be wonderful if it happens. I am a lonely girl. I do not have boyfriend or children. My birthday is on March 2 1983. I am 28 years old. I like listening to all kinds of music and i like cooking. Do you have any hobbies? Do you enjoy listening to music? I attached my photo to letter. Did you get a picture of me? I hope you like my photo. Please email me at: [email address deleted] I really hope that we can be friends and find out about each other. Thank you for reading my email! Please reply soon. Tatyana.

The New New Sideboob I, as a humble guide to the poor, defenseless first year students, would like to take a moment to tell all males about the glory that is overboob. You probably know all about the now-famous sideboob shots, and the subsequent rise in popularity of the underboob. What you probably DON’T know, is that university is the GREATEST place on earth to catch yourself some wonderful wonderful overboob. Find a lecture theatre, and sit somewhere up the back behind a girl with large breasts, and lean forward as though you’re paying attention to the lecturer. A quick glance down and you’re golden. Ladies, don’t feel left out. From this slightly lowered position, you can sneak a look back and check out some underjunk, which is far superior to junk-from-above. Don’t get mad about being perved on, get along. And as we all know, getting along is the first step to getting it on. Love, The Tod.

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m a S It’s not that Easy being Green Having found myself with the title of WSU Vice President after promising to bring you fair trade goodness, excitement about all things environmental, critical engagement with the world at large and by virtue of being completely unopposed, I was asked to fill the enormous shoes of Charlie Gillard and write a Vice President column each week. I haven’t a foggy as to what this column will be. I hope, like you, it will change and grow. But for now I’d like to invite you to question our ways of being, our society and ourselves. Opening a dialogue on the big issues is too important to miss! So that’s the dream column. The Nexus people thought it would be funnier if I just used the space to get angry about stupid people doing stupid things and complain when no one takes me seriously. The one rule I was given was no slavery, sex trafficking, environmental injustice or female circumcision until at least week two. I’m reluctant to label some of my thinking in theoretical terms because that somehow discounts the validity of it and allows me to be cast aside as an ironically closedminded hippy who is not worth listening to. But there will be a point at which you will want to accuse me of being an anti-capitalist, an environmentalist and a raging feminist. There is no need for such accusations. I will happily confess to being all of those things. Being a feminist comes down to thinking that men and women are equal. So not being a feminist means thinking we are not equal, and that really just makes you a dick as

Some refund!

opposed to making me some crazy man-hating lady with no legitimate complaint against society. Being an anti-capitalist is about questioning the status quo and rejecting the dominant ideas that permeate our society. And being an environmentalist is just necessary. Things are different at university. Thinking, learning and studying are actually cool. You can explore ideas and share your opinions without being worried about cliques or getting shunned for saying what you really think. And the best part is when people disagree with you! Well, actually, the best part is when you chat with the people who think similarly and you do cool stuff together, but we’ll get to that later. So, that is what this will be. Me telling you about stuff I believe in, stuff we need to consider and stuff about our society that annoys the hell out of me. Complete with all the rage a happy girl with dreads can muster.

Can I change papers?

I hope you tell me and/or your friends what you think, why you think it and (hopefully) what you reckon we can do about making some change in this crazy lil messed up world we are in. This space will also be an info hub for sweet stuff from the Ben has enrolled in a science degree but wants to change Citizens Advice the WSU service and some of hisBureau, papers. What can heAdvocacy do? whatever other cool things I can sneak in… As soon as possible, Ben should go online to iwaikato and

look week for change of enrolment. can complete the Also next we will be doingHe a competition for changes actual If he have wanted withdraw from the paper without prizes.online. So you’ll totokeep reading.

penalty and get full refund, he must do that by 5pm on 11th Again this canstay be done online. Until March. next week, you classy Waikato. Note: to avoid an “incomplete” on your transcript (not a good look for employers!), you must withdraw by 1st April (no refund available after 11 March). Note: if you have a student loan, make sure the refund has been credited towards the loan.

During Orientation, Robert signed up with a tax refund firm who said they would send his tax return in and get him a refund. When the refund came the tax firm had taken a quarter of the refund as a commission. Robert was not happy.

The Citizen’s Advice Bureau Hamilton provides advice and The Hamilton Arealocations. Citizens Advice Bureau information from four They are at 55provides Victoriaadvice St (MonFri 8.45am-5pm), 70 Kent Frankton (Mon-Fri and information fromSt four locations. They are9am-4.30pm), at 55 Victoria GardenStPlace (Mon-Fri 11am-2pm) the Cowshed at the (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm), 70 Kentand St Frankton (Mon-Fri University (Thurs 11-1pm). have 11am-2pm) legal, advocacy 9am-4.30pm), GardenThey Placealso (Mon-Fri and and the consumer services available where you can get more specialized Cowshed at the University (Tues-Thurs 1-3pm). They also help. Book an appointment at WSU.

Most tertiary students will be entitled to a tax refund because of their intermittent work during the year BUT it is very easy to do the tax return yourself either on-line, or by calling Inland Revenue (0800 227 774). Do not be talked into signing, unless you are sure you cannot do it yourself ! Also be aware that the company will take ask you to give access to your bank account and will have knowledge of your financial affairs.

youon can get more specialised help.CAB) or look at the Phone where the CAB 0800 367 222 (0800 FOR Phone www.cab.org.nz the CAB on 0800 367 222 (0800 FOR CAB) or look CAB website

have legal, advocacy and consumer services available at the CAB website www.cab.org.nz

To any first years reading, hi. I’m MrmintyFish/Jizz/a girl/not a lesbian/ that bitch jumping queues in town because I got out way too often and I take advantage of situations. To any of our returning friends, Oh hi. I’m still that bitch jumping queues in town. Lezbehonest. I’m back early. Why?

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO SORT YOUR SHIT. This isn’t a friendly visit. I don’t care how your New Year’s went; partly because all I did was sit on the couch with a bottle of cider and feel sorry for myself, partly because if the state of my News feed is anything to go by, your lives are terrible. Let me start out by saying that I don’t know anyone ugly. Not because I surround myself with the specifically designed elite; but because I only see people as ugly when I’m mad at them and after that, they look perfectly acceptable again. Yeah. I’m just that saintly. The reason I bring this up is that the self esteem on my news feed is phenomenally low. Either that or the attention seeking is at an all time high. “Oh wow so you’re just going to play me like that? Wow wish I was that cool. #brokenhearted” If I had a heart, I imagine that this is what it would feel like if it continued to not give a shit. #deletingyourbebopagewastheworstthingtohappentomynewsfeedsincekristyanderson. Here are my answers to your life problems: Q. Why am I always getting walked all over? A. Because you lie on the ﬂoor with a “Welcome” mat on your genitals. Q. Why do my friends think he treats me like shit? A. Because he treats you like shit. You know this, and you’re still there. Has he broken up with you before? Was it more than once? Does he look like a crack baby? Q. Why do girls think I’m a player? A. Because you take bitches home all day, err day. Not hating the player and hating the game is all fine and dandy; until you start playing Solitaire. Then shits all one in the same. You hate one, you hate the other. I’m not sure how, but I think we just started talking about masturbation. Q. How can I make my ﬂatmates like me more? A. Move out. Hello young bloods. Welcome to Waikato, welcome to uni, welcome to these 2 twisted pieces of paper. Over the next year, I shall be your guide in this fucked up little world. So what is MMF? Or shall we say, what WAS MMF. MMF was a collection of 300 words. Each word making up part of your basic rule set to uni life. So what’s changed? My workload, basically; and your skin colour. I see summer gave you a slight tan. I like your work.

Let me just start (she says 517 words in) by saying that bitches really do be crazy. “Oh my god. No, because like I’m a bitch and like I’m not even crazy.” Of course you’re not. That’s why you’re arguing with a magazine article. You can basically break “bitches” into 3 separate categories. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. THE GOOD BITCH: This is probably the easiest thing you’ve had to guess today since I asked you to guess the amount of fake tan I go through in a week. When did that happen? Just now. Inception. If you want to tell her to stop fixing things and get back in the kitchen, she’ll laugh and tell you to fuck off... Then she’ll probably do it. CRAZY FACTOR: She can seem like a stalker. She’s not, but she’s everywhere you look. Just waiting until you need her. Ok, basically stalking. THE BAD BITCH: She broke up with her ex to get with you. She broke up with you to bang her ex. She broke up with her ex for your friend. She broke up with your friend for her own ego. CRAZY FACTOR: Finds Chlamydia tests ‘invasive’. Videos herself contracting Chlamydia. THE UGLY BITCH: That thing looking out of the mirror at you after Thirsty Thursday. CRAZY FACTOR: Her entire face. Occasionally I get lazy and slowly become less and less descriptive. This is a pretty regular occurrence. NGL. These are rules for life. There are more, but I’ve had a lazy Pulse (because I’m still 14) and my anger at my news feed is slowly being taken over by the urge to Google dubstep remixes of the Coronation Street theme song. I’m only harsh because I do love your faces, Yours, forever. MMF.

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Quiet Riot

By Benjamin Royce

If you ask the government, they’ll tell you that students are irresponsible, untrustworthy, money-laundering scumbags who spend their evenings kicking puppies, setting fire to police officers, and jaywalking. Unfortunately, they’re right. Most people don’t take the time to thoroughly read through the enrollment agreements for their tertiary provider, and as a result, they miss the clause that states “You must cause as much havoc as you possibly can.” You are, for the most part, taking a three-year break from responsibility, from societal norms, and for the mature among us, a job. University is a culture all its own. Take a look around you, and you’re likely to see peer groups forming their own hierarchies based on discipline, and further subdivisions based on social status. Biologists are cooler than chemists, and cool biologists are cooler than Eddie Murphy during the 1980s. But beneath this glossy exterior, this veneer of class and sophistication, lies a seedy underworld of drug abuse, debauchery, and the kind of things that got Peewee Herman arrested. Which, we suppose, were drug abuse and debauchery. Beneath the bright white collared shirt of our public appearance beats the blackened, dying heart of a troublemaker. We’re not here to point the finger. Certainly not. Terrible, wonderful things have been done in Nexus’ name, and your local ink-slingers are as guilty as the rest of you. As such, we’re in no position to act as a moral compass, merely to share experience and what little knowledge we’ve amassed. That said, try and keep a cool head during Orientation Week. The greatest poet of our time, Ice Cube, was quoted as saying “Check yourself before you wreck yourself, because shotgun bullets are bad for your health.” Now, before we’re inundated with the complaints of people who know that shotguns fire shells rather than bullets, we know. But the Cube needed a word with two syllables. That’s how he constructed his masterful flow.

Lyrical accuracy aside, the sentiment stands. There are far too many opportunities to make mistakes from which you may never recover. Take a second to think it through. We’re not telling you to necessarily turn down an invitation to what may be the feather in your orientation cap, just to think about things a little before hurtling down the lefthand fork. For starters, there is going to be a lot of alcohol all but thrust upon you during the week. Spirits flowing like someone shook a haunted house. Veritable rivers of beer, amber-coloured suds floating past you. More hooch than the basement of one of Al Capone’s henchmen. Take a moment to picture the chance for loosened inhibitions, and lubricated social situations. Got that? Now here’s the kicker: You don’t actually have to drink anything. It’s perfectly acceptable to spend the entirety of Orientation sober. This Nexus scribe was too young, like many of his friends, to drink during his first O Week. As a result, he was forced to make the most of everything else. The competitions, the daytime events, the noise and music and whirling colours and people and energy of the whole spectacle. Through the prism of hindsight, it’s safe to say that he had a more enriching experience without the booze. Without the sweet sting of ethanol greasing the wheels, there is opportunity to face any fears you may have with a clear head. It’s too easy to be caught up in the freedom that is offered to you during your first year of university. Chances are you’re out of home for the first time, either in the halls of residence or a private flat, free from the tyrannical oppression of parents who probably kept you on a tighter leash. At last, you are the master of your own destiny! Like William Wallace, wielding a lengthy sword high above your head, face and hair streaked with blue, you call to the skies of freedom, of your right to choose your own path. Bowing not before the English royals, but to the royalty of independence. That’s fine and dandy, but we’ll say it again: it doesn’t mean you have to lose your head. If you are drinking during Orientation, please try and do it safely. Do you need that extra shot? Do you want to accept that drink from someone you’ve never met? An extra shot can quickly turn into four, which turns into a call on the

porcelain telephone, while some belligerent gorilla in a wife-beater singlet is trying to tear the toilet door down because he needs to use the bathroom. A drink given by the right person can be the start of one of the most meaningful and fulfilling relationships you’ll have in your university career, while the same drink from the wrong person can have you waking up on the floor of a strange flat with crude drawings of genitals on your face. Try explaining that to your lecturer on Thursday morning. Yes, we admit that a lot of this is typical sensationalist scaremongering, designed solely to get you to fear and respect something that, in moderation, can be a lot of fun, and something around which bonds can be formed. We are employing shock tactics here, as all good media outlets do, because there is a danger to drinking. The culture is not always a safe one. See, there’s a culture surrounding drinking, for those that don’t know. It’s why we’re all bombarded with ads about driving drunk, and images of Hit-on-everyone’s-missus Sam. People, especially young people, don’t know their limits. They can internalise the hell out of a complicated situation, if the latest run of ads is anything to go by, but knowing when you’re on the edge of losing control requires experience and finesse beyond that of most students. Look after one another, pace yourselves, drink plenty of water. These three guidelines go for everyone, whether you’re drinking this Orientation or not. You can go out every night, to the various parties around town, in your best dress and shiniest jewelry (males included here), but you’re going to be absolutely shattered the next morning. Weigh it up. Is it worth missing that morning lecture for the sake of a party you only half-wanted to go to? Sure, we said the idea was to have fun, cause havoc, and create memories, but what’s the best way for you to personally achieve that? Is it by dragging tired feet in uncomfortable shoes through crowds of boisterous, nicesmelling people? Or perhaps you’d be better served by taking a night for recovery on Wednesday, catching that early lecture on Thursday, and making a decent run of the back half of the week. Eat an apple or something, have a healthy breakfast, and you’ll be good to go.

As Hollywood is all too eager to tell us lately, doing nothing is not the same as running away. Taking a break from the festivities and choosing not to throw your weary body through hoops is not the same thing as being a square. There is always your health and education to consider. Is firing all of your guns at once and exploding into space worth sleeping through a lecture that you really shouldn’t miss? Is a level of involvement that would make Danny Wallace shake his head in amazement worth being too tired to pay attention to your surroundings, and ending up with a broken leg? Again, we here at Nexus are no moral compass, simply your eyes and ears. Jiminy Crickett never really stopped Pinocchio doing anything, he just urged him to consider the possibilities and consequences. That’s all we’re going for here. Honestly, we’re trying to provide both sides of the story, so you can make up your own minds, and do what feels right for you. This is your time, and it’s your future that you’re shaping, and so on. You might have noticed that, despite our claim of trying to provide both sides of the story, we’ve been criminally negligent in terms of telling you how fun Orientation can be. There’s a reason for that, by the way. It’s because it’s now up to you to tell us how fun Orientation can be. We want your horror stories, and your drunken photos, and your tales of how Bill Murray showed up at your flat to smoke a bowl, or whatever. We’ve beaten the path, so now you all have to step off it, and show us veterans how Orientation should be done. Have fun with it, drink a few (or don’t), and rock this city to its very core, with as little physical violence and lasting property damage as you can. Prove that pesky government wrong. Show them that it’s possible to have a good time without setting fire to half of the couches in Dunedin. Do it for us. Do it for yourselves. Do it for the stories you’ll be telling each other for the next four years. Do it to set a benchmark for 2013. Do it, because why the hell not? We’re counting on you.

Tangata Tumeke Nau mai, haere mai – Welcome back! Hi everyone and a warm welcome to the University of Waikato from everyone here at the WSU (your student voice on campus). If this is your first time here, let’s keep in touch, if you are a returning student, great to have you back. O-week heralds the start of an amazing series of events focused on you as a student – kicking back and having fun, before you start hitting the books and pumping out those assignments. The events team at WSU have organised the greatest O-week in the history of the WSU, complete with live entertainment from a wide range of Kiwi talent, the number one radio stations in the Waikato, and to top it all off with sponsored events down town – including of course “Soundscape”. There is something for everyone, and live entertainment from every genre, so don’t just sit there – get out and enjoy the best event O-week in Aotearoa!! Speaking of events and activities, my grandfather would always measure an event or activity by how good the food was, this meant that no matter how beautiful the bride was (even if she looked like Beyonce), if he didn’t have a mean kai, the event did not gain his highest rating. Consequently my whanau have continued with this analogy, in measuring the success of an event. So…with that in mind, during the summer holidays I went back home (up North) to be with my whanau and we had the meanest feed of toheroa (permit in hand) cooked in cream (Pipiwai tomato sauce), which we ate with a liberal helping of my sister’s fried bread. Wow…I hadn’t enjoyed a kai of toheroa since I was a child, and to share it with my whanau was like the icing on the cake. This meant that the past Christmas was the best holiday ever in the longest time, and that we had the meanest time together as a whanau. Consequently, this year’s events and activities at the University of Waikato also have the makings of a wow…experience, especially for our students. Although the literal partaking of food may not always be the highlight, liberal offerings of ‘food for the soul’ will be in rich supply. The WSU, staff and student networks are rigorously working to provide the ultimate experience for students, and in-deed the whole university and wider community to enjoy. All you need to do is to partake – a.k.a. join in! So here are a few of those wow…experiences for you to note in your calendar. Event Info Day Cultural Day (O-week) Soundscape Kingitanga Day

Date 7th March 8th March 10th March 16th May

Location Tainui Court On the Green Hamilton City University

Another great way to gain a wow…experience is to volunteer for events and activities on campus, or to join a student network. An easy way to accomplish this is to jump on facebook and hook up with the rest of the whanau, just ask around, or come for a walk up to the WSU. Also, the Mentors in the different schools on campus are a great source of information. So if you want to have the meanest year at the University of Waikato, a simple step towards creating a wow…experience is by offering a helping hand. So don’t be shy to introduce yourself to the team here at the WSU, and make sure you drop down to the green and soak up some of that O-week fun, catch a free-bus (WSU) into town to catch some amazing entertainment, oh…and make sure you bring your student id when you pick up your Soundscape ticket from the WSU reception. Alternatively flick me an email at vpmaori@wsu.org.nz, or just drop into the office. Priscilla (Davis) Ngatai Ngapuhi, Ngatihine, Ngati Kahungunu, Ngati Rongomaiwahine VP 2012 18

Waikato Accounting Careers Expo

Come along and discover what options are available to you on the completion of your studies. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a great chance for you to establish relationships and networks with employers and also seek some great career advice.

Friday 16th March 10.00am In the

Telecom Playhouse

Gallagher Academy of Performing Arts

For more info phone 0800 WAIKATO or visit http://events.waikato.ac.nz

8 Ball

Why are weather forecasters always wrong? Don’t count on it. By “it” I mean them. They divine their information from false magic, like cloud patterns, and weather reports, and knowledge gained from years of study in meteorology! The Magic Eight Ball is the true word! Seas rise and fall at my command, rain and snow are mere playthings before my power! Is it fair to judge races based on their predilection for certain foods? Ask again later. Whether or not it is fair is not to be revealed to you now. All that you must know is that it is funny to do so. Life is full of little moments, like watching black people work at KFC, or white people stoically sipping tea in Victorian dress while their house burns to the ground around them, what what. For bonus points, ask Jewish friends if they eat any other parts of the matzoh. Oh, Magic Eight Ball! Are you going to bring the funny this year? The answer is no. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT, PUNKS? Seriously. Get to steppin’. King Kong ain’t got shit on me.

Is dating a bitch better than dating an idiot? It is decidedly so. This is kind of a no-brainer, which explains why you’re asking this, idiot. Someone who is ultimately not a very nice person might suck, but you can still (probably) have an intelligent conversation with them. Additionally, there will be arguments. Many arguments. But arguments are like foreplay for angry sex. On the other hand, dating someone who thinks CCR is used as a chief aspect of first aid would make a sane person commit violent seppuku with a broken drumstick. Is Mojo Mathers in the right? Yes. Wait. No. Wait. Yes? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. Is Jolene going to take my man? As I see it, yes. Of course she is. Her beauty is beyond compare, with flaming locks of auburn hair; with ivory skin and eyes of emerald green. Her smile is like a breath of spring, her voice is soft like summer rain, and you cannot compare with this Jolene. He talks about her in his sleep, there’s nothing you can do to keep from crying when he calls the name “Jolene.”

Sonny Bill Williams’ defeat of Clarence Tillman the third was nothing short of absolutely awesome, provided you’re an idiot. The last three fights Williams has taken have involved a bunch of opponents that may as well have been handicapped, so out of depth were they. His fight for the esteemed Heavyweight title was no surprise either, when Tillman strolled in looking like he’d stopped off at Hamilton’s brand new Dunkin’ Donuts, only to have eaten half the staff. I should’ve apologised for the negativity in advance, but I’ve already swallowed more than enough of the small town fascination that has followed William’s move to Hamilton to play for the Chiefs. You’d think the man has cured cancer with how many stories the Waikato Times have run with him smiling all over the front page. You’ve got to love the integrity of journalism these days, knowing that there is nothing better happening in our miserable, shitty existence for a story about Williams tuning some 18 year old bird to be front page material. Leave that shit for Woman’s Day. What’s worse is you have the peabrain comments that come from Mundine. Oh what a surprise, except this time, you’ve got some variation with the boorish remarks coming from his father. He ranted about how William’s biggest asset was his speed. Good joke mate. I’m pretty sure his biggest asset is, well, being Sonny Bill Williams in a small town where nothing happens. You could have another person ten times as fast as Williams’ fighting in his place, yet as Eminem said, no one would give two squirts of piss. All Williams has to do is rip his shirt and suddenly everyone without a functioning brain loses their shit, jumps on the bandwagon faster than one of those girls who solemnly swears she loves dubstep before even hearing a song, and ignores the fact that some people actually take boxing as a sport seriously. Yeah, that’s right – there are people in the world, like Australian Olympic hopeful Luke Jackson, who actually have dedicated their whole lives to the sport with the dream of achieving greatness in the form of a Gold Medal, not beating up on a guy with torpedos for pecs. But wait guys – before the fight Mundine junior said “SBW can win”. Oh really? Here I was under the impression Williams’ carefully picked his opponent with the objective to lose and just make a quick buck. That’s actually his opponent’s job- happy to get punched in the face and waste a minute of everyones’ lives just to cash in and take a seat on Williams’ train to the town of Idiocy. I’m pretty sure Williams’ would even give me a chance to fight for his title, since I’m severely disadvantaged and lack any real boxing experience. Oh wait, I’m not a sickness beneficiary. Guess I’ve got a way to go before I get a chance. The thing is – I couldn’t have cared less who won the fight, but I feel for everyone who paid money to watch an overweight, unprepared potato get punched in the face a few times before the referee jumped in to call a technical knock out. Sonny – you aren’t New Zealand’s heavyweight boxing champion. You’ve been given the crown to appease the masses of idiots who waste their time caring what it is you are doing with your life, and I truly believe any real boxer would run circles around you. Fight a real boxer. I understand boxing statistics are far too easy to come by when you have a binge drinking country like New Zealand supplying you with a bunch of no hoper morons willing to get their heads punched in for a few bucks. Meh – maybe I should just jump on your bandwagon too. It’s never too late to embrace mediocrity. Remember that time Sonny Bill lived in Hamilton? Yeah, but do you also remember that time he left a year later and never came the fuck back. You don’t? Oh, but you will. In about nine months time.

with C-ball

To everyone new here to the Waikato University campus, welcome to Hamilton – the town where you can watch 4 out of 10 girls in clubs act like they’re at least a solid 9, and the home of the one and only Sonny Bill Williams. If you didn’t know it yet, he’s the new heavyweight boxing champion of the nation. Winning the belt was like a fairytale for Williams, so long as you take away knights fighting dragons and rescuing hissin’ bitches, and replace that with an alcoholic, illiterate street fighter, a sickness beneficiary and then, for the title, a convicted criminal known for habitual drug use. The last fighter was obviously deemed not hopeless enough for a fight with Williams, so they replaced him with an American with tits that’d make Sasha Grey jealous and a belly that was sloppier than an elderly woman’s blowjob. Damn, hit Penguin publishers up because I think I just uncovered a new story that is sure to inspire New Zealand’s youth of today.

Sports Thoughts

Remember that time Sonny Bill lived in Hamilton?

Mistakes of a Miscreant By Squiddy

Welcome O-Week virgins. For a number of you the first O-week is the last first you have left. So the temptation is to go out there and get stuck in from the beginning. Unfortunately that sort of brazen rush will often lead to burnout by Wednesday and do you really want your first O-week to finish prematurely? The good news is that my friends and I have a plethora of mistakes you can learn from buried deep in our past to help make sure that your first time is truly a special occasion. So let me cast your minds back to a simpler time when Katy Perry was still a backup dancer, petrol was under $1.50 and the biggest disaster facing the country was the release of the gypsy moth. The year was 2001 and four young men were on the precipice of greatness. O-week would be their rite of passage, there chance to reinvent themselves and break free from the shackles of high school clichés. Each “virgin” thought that this would be their time to shine, their time cement the reputations that would live on in campus folklore for years to come. Each man had no idea of the epic fail that awaited them. Their names have been changed to ninja turtles to protect their families from further shame, plastic surgery and eventual relocation. Michelangelo’s Mistakes : The overzealous costume choice Theme nights can make or break you during O-week. They can speed up your coronation to party King / Queen or they can make you a laughing stock. The key is to keep it simple. With a Toga Party this week you should know that only one key difference exists between the $120 costume you hired and the $7 white sheet I brought at countdown and that is that I don’t give a damn what happens to that sheet at the end of the night. Back in 2002 Mike decided that the Gentleman’s party demanded a four piece suit, The waistcoat, the top hat, the whole nine yards. Which brings us to tip two with costumes make sure you get the date right. Mike was the best dressed gentleman at the beach party and felt like a complete tool. Mistake three was to listen to the criticism. In his mind the wrong costume on the wrong night was such a big mistake that he needed to aim for the stars to avoid the humiliation and shame that would surely come his way so he did the only thing he could, he jumped. At first people cheered. There sat the o-week virgin in a top hat and a waistcoat in a spa with the other drunks and the passed out blonde who had called him a dick an hour earlier in what he could only imagine was the perfect breeding temperature for a full gambit of STI’s. O-week Lesson One: O-week starts in your closet. Costumes should, for the most part, be inexpensive and versatile because nobody ever plans to be sitting in a spa full of bird flu but it can happen. Leonardo’s Lament: The theory of four, the one night stand and the 24 week reminder. 22

Sex is awesome! Or dirty! Or according to a Brian only between a man and wife for the purposes of procreation and only after marriage. Whatever your personal politics or beliefs, I think we can all agree that sex is better with a second person in the room. Our friend Leo thought that sex was the whole point of the O-week experience; that isn’t so much a mistake, as it was an approach.

Leo’s mistake was not following the golden rules of O-week one night stands. Respect the theory of four. Even way back in 2002 girls travelled in packs, and rightly so; it is safer, you always have a wingman, and something about a series of hand bags on a dance floor seems to create an impenetrable circle for losers and ugly guys alike. Unlike wild animals though, the modern woman chooses her pack with more thought and insight than a wolf could ever muster. First, she calls a girlfriend who is either at the same level of attractiveness, or within the margin of error either way. She knows that the conversation will eventually evolve into inviting at least one more friend, who again may or may not be an 8.5 to their pair of 9s. The 8.5 will also extend an invitation to a fourth girl, herself either an 8.5 or an 8ish, so the original 8.5 avoids being the one with the personality. Now the decision for Leo should have been an easy one: a quick self evaluation to figure out his “league,” then make the approach to one of the four lovely young ladies. Unfortunately, we all know that this doesn’t end well for Leo. So what does he do that’s so bad? Start at 9, and work back til you get a yes, with extra dickhead points for making a public spectacle of yourself.

the transformative powers of the student experience, and felt sure that he was going to go from quiet book worm to the guy everyone loved; the life of the party. In truth, he managed to do exactly that. Just not in 2002. See, that’s the funny thing about O-week. It isn’t imbued with magical powers. If, on Sunday March 4th 2012, you can only have three drinks without feeling a little out of control and needing to sleep it off, then there is very little chance you are starting Monday as Hamilton’s Charlie Sheen. Donny wasn’t a bad guy, nor was he easily led, but a couple of drinks at the bar and he was into it. To this day, no one is sure what the trigger was. For a quiet guy, it might be something as simple as being smiled at by a girl or have someone laugh at a usually awkward joke. Whatever it was, Donny was hooked, and by halfway through the night he was shuffling the white man two-step with beer in hand to “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls, and wondering why no one was keeping up with him. Add in some careless mixing of drinks, throwing up all over a Westpac cash machine keypad, a story about a duck (not fit for print), developing a severe case of Bar ADHD, (“This bar sucks, let’s go. This bar sucks, let’s go. This bar sucks...”) and some abuse of a cop resulting in a night next to some pretty interesting people, and you have the most retold story in Donny’s life. O-Week Lesson Three: Don’t do what Donny did. Raph’s Repudiation: This doesn’t even require a story. In 2002, it was wrong, and we only had myspace and ICQ, so let’s just skip the insight and say that in the Facebook/Twitter world you live in, rule four is a must: O-Week Lesson Four: NEVER GET NAKED IN PUBLIC (read: dance on a pool table, before running down Victoria Street screaming “You’ll never take me alive, coppers!”). Of course, the reality is that regardless of whether you avoid these four situations or not, you are in for your share of mistakes. Some you’ll learn from, some you won’t, and some you will need to get corrected by a nurse while trying not to look embarrassed or make direct eye contact. The one truly important lesson we can offer is that you should own whatever you do. Take risks, have fun, but be safe and, if at all possible, leave the ducks alone. What did they ever do to you?

4 2 Unfortunately for Leo, the only thing that could make the situation worse was success, and that is exactly what he achieved that night. After being cold shouldered by the respective 9s, Miss 8.5 succumbed to his roguish persistence, and it was then that the rookie broke golden rule number two: Fake names disrespect both you and her, and are only used by douchebags “What’s your name?” asks Miss 8.5. “Dave.” says Leo. Douchebag. Both mistakes, no matter how bad, would not have led Leo (Dave) to the Pantheon of all time O-Week embarrassment, were it not for the fact he broke the chief O-Week onenight stand rule. O Week Lesson Two: NEVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND ON O-WEEK MONDAY! Not only do Miss 8.5 and her three friends appear in your next four days worth of lectures and tutorials, but they also learn in a hurry that your name’s not Dave. And it doesn’t matter how great you were, these women will ensure you go through the next four years with the unshakeable nickname “Inch.” Donatello’s Drunk and Disorderly Dissidence Donny wasn’t as extroverted as Mike, or as sleazy as Leo. In truth, he was a nice guy who had a lot of faith. He believed in the possibilities of campus life and the magic that surrounded O-week. He put all his faith in

Wednesday 7th Toga Party

Monday 5th

Foam and Slip’n’slide party From11pm

Giveaways and guest DJ

Prizes and giveaways. from 1pm Altitude

Giveaways and guest DJs from 11pm, altitude

Wednesday 7th Fevah FM & Nexus present SKINT FEVAH FM DJ's from 9pm House Bar, Hood Street

Altitude

Wednesday 7th Mexican Fiesta From 11pm Agenda

Thursday 8th Stomping Nick and His Blues Grenades, Yot Club, Raglan, 9pm

Thursday 8th

Sweet as Candy from 11pm

Alizarin Lizard Static 9pm, $10 on the door

Agenda

Friday 9th

The Drab Doo-Riﬀs w/ Bloody Souls & Bomb$trappers, Static Bar, 9pm

Saturday 10th Black Out

Djs, Danny Gee, Bones Agenda

Friday 9th Buck’s BBQ

Launching ‘Wild Buck’ on tap Free BBQ Altitude and Gravity! Saturday 10th

Soundscape

Saturday, 10th March, Alexandra Street, 8 zones feat Kora, AC Slater (US), Zowie, Bar9 (UK) State of Mind, Redial (US), Carl Nicholson (UK), Eamonn Fevah & Steve Ryan (Fevah Records), Distract (AUS) and many more.

Thursday 8th

Shenandoah Davis (USA) w/ Der Kranks, Vinnies Resturant and Bar, Raglan, 9pm, free

Thursday 8th Sorry for Party Rocking

Giveaways, plus more... Altitude!

Friday 9th Sucker Punch

Monthly dance party Tommy Gee (AKL) Agenda

Thursday 8th

MANATEE OWEEK edition.. Featuring WILLAPEDE, Staylo, PIECE and Brothers Grimm $5 drinks specials all night $5 entry from

Friday 9th

Out of Time, Knights of The Dub Table Soundsystem and Freestylers, Flow Bar, 9pm,

Old as Hell with Racer X

Being Old as Hell is not as hard as you think it would be. Sure, some bouncers won’t let you in to their hip, youth bars and you’ll find the young ladies in cafes feel the need to scream the menu in your face like coked up opera singers, but there’s worse ways to be. I could be, for instance, the old guy in the hip, youth bar, or the mumbling guy in the cafe. I was born in the early 1980s. I have a degree from this university. I have come back to study full time for a year and I feel Old as Hell. This year, first years will be one decade younger than me. I have pals that young, mostly the younger siblings of my friends, and we get along famously. However, sitting in classes with people who were born in the 1992-1994 window causes me to age faster than a shit on a hot sidewalk. Soon, I feel I will be nothing more than odorous dust littering a lecture theatre, waiting for a stiff breeze to finally carry me away from study and into the wonderful, career-heavy economy we are promised awaits beyond these gates.

be anyone to scare away big dogs or help me install Windows 7 for the twelfth bloody time, but at least I wouldn’t ever have to deal with another customer. Customers, for those of you who have never worked in retail, are these magically retarded people. I often wondered how these genetic wonderlands have managed to stumble out of whatever fart-powered idiot-mobile they arrived in and figure out the self-opening doors. The number of times I pondered these questions and, on a few occasions, asked the customer to ponder with me, resulted in me parting company with that employer. It has not taken long for boredom to kick in and drag me into whatever activity I could get in to the fastest. University is far easier to get into than employment at the moment.

I have come back for two reasons.

The second reason is more simple: I want to karate kick my dad in the face. As I don’t know any karate and I am too lazy to learn it, as well as being shitty at hitting people, I have to “karate kick my dad in the face” through other means. That means getting educated more than him. That means a very long time at university, because he is a very learned man.

One of these reasons is extreme boredom. I have been working in the real world for the past four years and all it taught me was this: if I were to wake up one morning and everyone else on Earth was just a pile of glitter on the floor, I would be reasonably OK. Sure, there wouldn’t

So now I am back at university, feeling Old as Hell, trying to stop from going bored and now writing a column in this magazine, because old people love writing about themselves. Check the Waikato Times Letters to the Editor page for proof. 25

Sash on Screen FILM REVIEW: CHRONICLE Directed by Josh Trank, 20th Century Fox Review by Daggard Superhero films. This year we have the biggest of the genre flying, swooping and swinging their way onto the big screen in what can only be described as a perfect storm of the superhero genre. Dark Knight Rises will conclude Christopher Nolan’s epic trilogy. Marvel’s The Avengers weaves together their dream team of characters for the first time. And our friendly neighbourhood webhead is rebooted Amazing Spider-Man in the form of a broody and wise-cracking Andrew Garfield. But it hasn’t all been winwin… there have been comic book casualties. Franchises like Blade and X-Men, that began with such power promise – sparked with all the fleeting fizz of a cheap Warehouse firecracker. Daredevil, Electra, Catwoman to name but a few, were all more or less stinky turds without the budget or the director to do the material justice. Enter Chronicle. Three young college guys who find a meteor (strikingly similar to a certain son of Krypton’s baby rocket) and gain the power to move things with their minds. The stylistic premise of the film is that it’s all told via video cameras – not always in real-time but kept as a consistent stylistic choice. But there is more going on here than camera gimmicks. The story’s strength is the dynamic of the three guys. Like Fantastic Four, we see a group of characters develop their powers together and their experiences become your experiences - that’s where all that on-the-fly stuff really pays off. If you had telekinesis with your friends, what would you with it? That’s the film in a nutshell. They pull pranks in stores and in parking lots, but when someone gets hurt from the power accidentally, one of the group decides to create rules for their powers. There are some big echoes in this origin story, the teenage angst and bullied nerd plots of Peter Parker’s plight, the aforementioned Four and the theme of a family of superheroes. But the execution and dedication to keep things grounded and gritty serves to keep things fresher than the concept first appears. There are some great moments, none of which I will spoil here, where the guys share their super experiences with you and you feel like you’re actually witnessing something worth chronicling. The end sequences reminded me a lot of Akira meets District 9, where suddenly the scale of the film truly presents itself and you realise why the filmmaker wanted

to make the film in the first place. There are some terrifying and thrilling set pieces to be sure. It’s just a shame the fly-on-the-wall premise doesn’t always feel like less than gimmicky. If you can get past the film drawing attention to the camera a little too often and some oh-so-convenient camera contrivances - there are some cool ideas here, some classic (with great power comes great responsibility, fallen angels, coming of age) and some new (no spandex or capes?) Ok, so Chronicle isn’t the uber original superhero origin story it is aching to be, but it’s sure as shit no Hancock (ew). Recommended. 3/5

Half Baked with Mel Pane Veloce Last year I wrote the cafe reviews, this year I ran out of places to review (read: I couldn’t afford to go to a new cafe every week anymore) so I volunteered to write this food column thing. Some weeks you’ll strike it lucky and get one of my scintillating reviews, some weeks I’ll tell you how to make something wonderful, like this week’s delicious bread recipe. Don’t get your hopes up though, some weeks it will just be me rambling about whatever the hell I feel like writing about, generally food and/or beverage related. Enjoy! Somewhere in the depths of the Christmas/new years/”summer” holidays I was cooking a roast (I think it was sheep, I don’t know, I just graciously accepted the giant hunk of free meat from the in- laws’ farm) and half way through the cooking process, you know - about an hour out from dinner time - I had the thought that no roast meal with lashings of gravy is complete without some soft delicious buttery bread to soak it all up. My previous experience in making bread told me this was going to take at least three hours - which I didn’t have. So I did what any normal person would do, I took to the internet in search of the fastest/easiest way to make bread, preferably of the no-knead variety. I found something called ‘quick crusty bread’ on a delightful Kiwi food blog called Sunday Hotpants. What followed (in around an hour and a half) was the most ridiculously easy, delicious and incredibly fast bread I have ever made, and it has a fancy name to boot. It is also something I believe most poor Uni students could manage –since it has a whole four ingredients, five if you count warm water-so I thought I should share it with you all right away. I have bastardised the recipe a little from that found on Sunday Hotpants, in the interests of ease and simplicity. You will end up with three loaves, flat and puffy, and you will want to eat all of them in one sitting although each loaf is good for one - two people. I use the remaining loaf to make sandwiches to take to work/school the next day. Awesome.

Ingredients 500 grams flour (about 3 ½ cups) 370 mls lukewarm water (if you are lacking in measuring cups this is around 1 ½ cups) 1 teaspoon-1 tablespoon of honey depending on how sweet you like it, I go for the tablespoon (bonus: a single-serve honey pottle is about the right size if you steal some from somewhere) 1 ½ teaspoons active dry yeast 1 teaspoon salt (feel free to chuck in some pepper or herbs at this point to up your fancy-factor) Dissolve the honey in the lukewarm water, put all the other ingredients in a bowl and then add the water-honey mixture, mix briefly with a knife or whatever is handy until just combined. If it is a little dry add some more water, it should be soft and sticky. Sprinkle a little flour on top, cover the bowl and leave it somewhere warm for an hour (it can be as little as 40 minutes if you’re in a rush). Preheat the oven to 220C. Get a baking tray ready with baking paper and a little flour on it; dump the bread mixture onto the tray, split in three and shape into three small loaves (try to handle it as little as possible at this point) Here comes the most complicated part of the recipe: put an oven-safe dish of warm water on the bottom rack of the oven. Bake the loaves for 15-20 minutes and then turn the oven down to 160 and bake for another 15 minutes. At this point the recipe says to leave it to cool for another 15 minutes but that pretty much never happens in my house. I usually descend upon it immediately, start tearing bits off and smearing them with butter, while trying not to burn my fingers. But hey, whatever floats your boat. Happy baking! Next week I’ll tell you all about why you should never volunteer to make fancy-overly elaborate cakes for friend’s birthdays, and how fancy cakes can give you panic attacks. Have a fantastic first week of Uni y’all, and try not to drink too much this week, heh.

Tuesday Sexual Health

Wednesday Thursday Friday Clubs Day Culture Day Chill Out

Chase Bars BBQ

W Card specials at the Dons

Speaker Series Oxfam

U Leisure Strong Man Competition (Woodstock)

Chase Bars BBQ

9:00

No Fuss Free Bus Edge VIP Taxis

4:30 Vodka Cruiser Conga Line 6:00 Summer Beach Party Tui Tuesday Quiz Night Woodstock Games Night Bucks Night at the Don! Friday Night Feed n Footy at the Don!

4:00

1:00 Dominoes Pizza Eating Axces Thailand Moon Wild Moose Hunt Bucks BBQ Competition Helicopter Drop Samoan Club Spanish Club 2:00 Speaker Series Speaker Series Speaker Series Global Speaker Series Poverty Project

12:30

11:00 Giveaways and games Giveaways and games Giveaways and games Giveaways and games Giveaways and games The Edge The Edge The Edge The Edge The Edge Coca Cola Coca Cola Coca Cola Coca Cola Coca Cola Soundscape Soundscape Soundscape Soundscape Soundscape Bennets Room: Young Workers Resource Seminar 12:00 pm The Good Fun Hessian Horseman Beggars Way Ni-N-Jah Hollow Grinders

8:00am ASB Breakfast 8 - 10 ASB Breakfast 8 - 10 ASB Breakfast 8 - 10 ASB Breakfast 8 - 10 ASB Breakfast 8 - 10 Fair Trade Coffee 8 - 10 Fair Trade Coffee 8 - 10 Fair Trade Coffee 8 - 10 Fair Trade Coffee 8 - 10 Fair Trade Coffee 8 - 10 10:00 Party Bus 10 - 3 Party Bus 10 - 3 Party Bus 10 - 3 Te Rapa Pacific Trust Sumo Suits 10 - 3 Soapy Soccer 10 - 3 Soapy Soccer 10 - 3 Soundscape DJs Mini Golf 10 - 3 Mini Golf 10 - 3 Skinny Mobile 10 - 3 Skinny Mobile 10 - 3 Rock Up climbing wall 10 - 3 Horizontal Bungee 10 - 3 Soundscape DJs Mini Golf 10 - 3 Mini Golf 10 - 3 Soundscape DJs Soundscape DJs Gyro Ball 10 - 3 Rock Up - log joust 10 - 3

Monday Campus Life 101

Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s On during the Day?

Clubs Spotlight At EnviroClub,

we are all about organising events on campus and promoting anything around University that we think would get the thumbs up from good ol’ Mother Nature. For example, did you know that you can score a reserved park, and increase your chances exponentially in the mad car park hunt during semester by carpooling? Visit ridelink.waikato.ac.nz to find out more. We’ve been real busy over the last couple of weeks organising some great events, with even greater prizes, that we’d love you guys to get involved in. Come see us at our stand on the Village Green on Clubs Day, grab a frisbee, and be in to win some spot prizes. We’ll also have a stall on Thursday. If you can’t make it to either, read up on our competitions below and enter for a chance to win some awesome prizes including EcoStore Skincare packs, Green Man beer, Yealands wine, a worm farm, Momento KeepCups, and coffee vouchers. Spot prizes are also up for grabs. Visit our facebook page (URL at the bottom) for more details and to take a look at the current entries! Entries to be emailed to enviroclub.waikato@gmail.com with the competition name in the subject line.

Eco-Ideas Competition:

O Week Eco-Photo Comp:

Want to improve how we do things? This competition is an opportunity for you to enter new, creative, and fun ideas (as well as photos) about what you would like to see implemented on campus to help reduce the university’s eco-footprint. Entries to be judged by University Environmental & Sustainability Coordinator Rachael Goddard and former Green MP Nandor Tanczos. You have until the 22nd April, 2012 to enter!

We want to see the most creative way you can recycle or reuse materials! Be it a nifty way of putting recyclables in the right bin on campus, building box forts, or using old forks to make a wind chime, we want to see your photos. Take a photo of yourself recycling or reusing creatively and enter by the 19th March, 2012 to be in to win some awesome prizes.

We’re always looking for new members as well, so if you want to join other like-minded students, email us at enviroclub.waikato@gmail.com or look us up on our EnviroClub at Waikato University facebook page (facebook.com/unicycle.waikato) We’d like to thank our sponsors for sponsoring some great prizes for our A Semester competitions: EcoStore | Yealands Estate | Green Man Brewery | New Internationalist | Momento Espresso | Hungry Bin

http://www.facebook.com/UniCycle.Waikato 30

Word Find

Sudoku

Puzzles ALCOHOL FUN ORIENTATION PARTY WAIKATO

DRUNK NEXUS OWEEK UNI HALLS

Spot the 12 Differences

In Review Real Estate – Days Days is the second album from New Jersey indie rock 5-piece Real Estate, one of the trickier band names to search on Google (alongside Girls, The Internet, EMA and !!!). Prior to checking out the album, I had been listening to a lot of classic Flying Nun indie rock, in particular The Bats and Able Tasmans. Seeing I had not heard of Real Estate, nor had I listened to their selftitled debut album, I was not sure what to really expect. I was surprised to find a near seemless transition between the Flying Nun indie pop/rock of the late 80s and early 90s and this brand new indie release from the US from 2011. Clearly, Real Estate pays homage to the Flying Nun jangly pop sound – or at least to bands influenced by the Dunedin Sound. The album opens with Easy, a beautifully upbeat song that was stuck in my head for days afterwards. Musically and thematically, it sets the tone for the album. It does deviate occasionally from the upbeat warm sound, but after a song or two, it’s back to the blissful tracks that would provide the perfect soundtrack to a hot relaxing summer day. One of the stand-out tracks on the album is the single It’s Real. Great guitar work, a driving rhythm yet still holds that distinctive warm texture. To top it off, it has a brilliant and simple singalong chorus. Another pleasant surprise for me on the album was the instrumental track Kinder Blumen with its fantastic catchy guitar melody. The Flying Nun comparison can be heard most prominently on Wonder Years, a song that sounds strikingly similar to The Bats. Not only does the song sound like a Robert Scott creation, the vocals are eerily similar too. Production-wise, the album is not too dissimilar from a lot of modern indie rock. Drenched in reverb, some lo-fi qualities essentially the sound of a band in a room rather than a slick studio recording. Like a lot of the indie rock lo-fi bands of the last few years, parts of this album still feel a little undercooked. Out of Tune and All the Same make the album drag at certain points and the album ending is a bit underwhelming, certainly when compared with the strong start. If the album changed gear a little more often out of the slow and steady rhythms, it would be a very good album. That is what seemed to be missing for me. If it had a couple of other songs like It’s Real to offer a little bit more variety, it would probably be an very enjoyable listen from start to finish. The album certainly shows a lot of promise for the band, but the album does not survive in its entirety on repeat listen. It has some great tracks at the beginning but it sometimes lags around the middle and the end. I am not sure sure it is really worth the glowing critical acclaim it has been receiving, but still well worth checking out none-the-less. Rating: 3.5/5

www.budgetappliances.co.nz

Hot Fuzz Welcome to the Waikato University and a warm welcome to your new home, Hamilton City. The Hamilton East Community Policing Centre is located close to the University of Waikato, at 245 Clyde St and can be contacted on (07) 856 0291 for calls other than emergencies. For emergencies dial 111 and ask the operator for which emergency service you require, Ambulance, Fire or Police. Hamilton Police want to make your stay in our vibrant city as much fun as possible so you can enjoy the opportunities on offer during time away from the hectic pace of studies. By following these simple steps we hope you will avoid unpleasant experiences. When out with friends look out for one another, make plans on how you will get home before you leave and stick with them. Don’t get separated, stay together. Don’t accept drinks you haven’t seen opened or poured and don’t leave your drink unattended. Don’t accept rides from strangers. At home lock your doors and windows a stolen laptop may bring a thief as little as $50 but is a devastating loss for a student. Because laptops are so often targeted by thieves keep back up files on disks or USB’s. Record serial numbers of valuables such as TVs, laptops and other electronics and where possible save a picture of them. For further information please visit: www.waikato.ac.nz/sasd/health/CampusCop/ If you have any questions, please contact the University Community Constable Nick Sickelmore. Nicholas.Sickelmore@police.govt.nz 07 858 2792.

Occurrences in Hamilton from 1st February - 27th February 2012-02-27 Assaults - Locations Morrinsville Road, Hogan Street, Cambridge Road Cobham Drive, Nixon Street. Burglary -Locations Salisbury Place, St. Johns Avenue, York Street, Yorkshire Road, Opoia Road, Jebson Place, Cameron Road, Scott Crescent, Berkley Avenue, Knighton Road, Old Farm Road, Flynn Road, Wilscarlet Lane, Inverness Avenue, Peachgrove Road, Brown Street, MacFarlane Street, Fox Street, Dey Street, Riverlea Road, Kelvin Place, Wellington Street, Carrington Avenue, Regent Street, Firth Street, Mansell Avenue, Te Aroha Street, Nottingham Drive, Hillcrest Road, Aurora Terrace, Albert Street, Sillary Street, Masters Avenue, Littler Place, Nixon Street, Plunkett Terrace, Whyte Street, Clyde Street, Fenwick Crescent, Galloway Street, Orelio Street, Boundary Road, Bailey Avenue. Unlawfully Takes Motor Vehicle - Locations Wellington Street, Masters Avenue, Albert Street, Brookfield Street, Cameron Road, Dey Street, Old Farm Road.

At the University of Waikato There’s no stopping you.

At the University of Waikato, we’re committed to providing a dynamic and unique university experience. Now that you’re here, you’ll find a world-class education with plenty of support to help you through. On-campus Student Services include student health, careers office, Citizens Advice Bureau and counselling advice, not to mention our disability, chaplaincy, accommodation and financial services too. Student Services are located in the Student Services Building (CHSS) beside the Chapel. For more information visit waikato.ac.nz/sasd

There’s no stopping you E kore e taea te aukati i a koe 0800 WAIKATO waikato.ac.nz

Quintessential Reading Literary Lunacy with Courtney Q

The Colour of Magic Terry Pratchett

The Colour of Magic is the first book in the Discworld series written by the amazing fantasy, horror and science fiction author Sir Terry Pratchett. The Discworld is a flat world which rests upon the backs of four giant elephants, which in turn stand atop the Great A’Tuin; a giant turtle swimming through space. Rincewind is a wizard, a very pessimistic, sardonic and unskilled wizard who after certain twists of Fate collides with Twoflower, a rather naive but optimistic tourist. In fact Twoflower is the first tourist that the Discworld has ever seen. Unfortunately for Rincewind, the peace and prosperity of the land depends upon Twoflower living long enough to get back to his distant home. The unfortunate part being that it is Rincewind’s job to ensure Twoflower’s survival. And in a land riddled with barbarians, robbers, mercenaries, invisible dragons and even Death himself, this is to be no easy feat. Sir Terry Pratchett is an English author with an immense talent at writing fantasy novels. His writing style flows superbly and is easy to pick up and put down, although if you’re anything like me you won’t want to put it down! The Colour of Magic, like all of the other Discworld books I have read, is packed full of satire, quick wit, elaborate descriptions and at times is just absolutely nonsensical. Which, for me personally makes this book an amazing read. I personally love British comedy and I find Pratchett’s books really appeal to my sense of humour. Pratchett uses footnotes to add background and depth, but more often than not for humour and a unique commentary on the narrative. I love the way Pratchett develops his characters in such depth and illuminates them with his amazing command of the English language. My personal favourite characters are the Luggage and Death. The Luggage is a large chest made of sapient pearwood (a magical, highly intelligent plant, which is very rare). The Luggage will follow its owner anywhere;

I mean ANYWWHERE, and moves on hundreds of little legs that sprout from its undercarriage. In the book Sourcery the Luggage is described as being “half suitcase, half suicidal maniac” Death is a very interesting character, although it has a similar appearance to the generic Grim Reaper and carries a scythe, Death is also a parody of the traditional Reaper. Death is very quirky in the sense that it has a very keen interest in trying to understand humanity, however without any social skills and a complete lack of a sense of humour Death just can’t seem to figure it out. Rincewind and Death have a very complicated relationship, but I’m not going to tell you about it. You will have to read the book. All up Terry Pratchett is one of my top five favourite authors, and The Colour of Magic is definitely one of my top five favourite books by Sir Pratchett. I thoroughly recommend this book to anyone who enjoys a good fantasy novel. The Colour of Magic sits at number 93 on the BBC’s Big Read list. Pratchett has four books in the Big Read top 100, and fifteen within the top 200. The Light Fantastic is the second Discworld novel and is a direct continuation from the Colour for Magic. This is a unique feature as the rest of the Discworld books can essentially be read in any order (unless you’re meticulous like me and insist on reading them in the order they were written). For those of you who aren’t big readers I thoroughly recommend ‘Terry Pratchett’s The Colour of Magic’ a two part television adaptation of Pratchett’s books; The Colour of Magic and The Light Fantastic.

O WEEK AT RUBY CASABELLA LANE 5th â&#x20AC;&#x201D; 10th March

RU B Y NA I L C OM B O

Bring in your student I.D. during O Week and receive x2 RUBY polishes for the price of 1 ($19)

$19 for two

+ GOODIE BAGS for the first 40 uni students (with ID cards) to spend over $200 on new season RUBY & Liam. CONTAINING ghd hair product, vitamin gum, Rosemount O mini, PULP magazine and limited edition RUBY usb stick with heart caribena!

RUBY, Shop 15, Casabella Lane, 307 Barton Street, 07 834 0210, hamilton@rubynz.com, www.rubynz.com

Spotlight on the Arts Brought to you by Arts Waikato The Cambridge Autumn Festival - held over 5 days from 21st - 25th March and will feature concerts, performances, a carnival and a market. For more information on the lineup, visit www.cambridgeautumnfestival.co.nz Selected Proofs exhibition - on until the 15th March at Ramp Gallery on Collingwood St. Features works by Peter Trevelyan. A large series of small works, in pencil lead and paper. More info at ramp.mediarts.net.nz. Soft Cut exhibition - held right here on campus at the Gallagher Academy of Performing Arts foyer. Features works by Elliot Collins, David Hofer, Gavin Hurley, Bronwyn Lloyd, Ruth Thomas Edwards and Kate Woods. Deconstructing Technology exhibition - embossed prints by Caroline Blair. Located at the Framing Workshop, 5 minutes walk from campus on the corner of Silverdale Rd and Nevada Rd. Hamtown Smakdown - New Zealand’s premiere hardcore festival on 23rd and 24th March at the Meteor Theatre, 1 Victoria St. Two nights, open to all ages. $10 each night. Bands to be announced soon!

Hilltop Sunset Concert - Sola Rosa, Cornerstone Roots, Billy TK Jnr, Swamp Thing, Paul Ubana Jones and Ashley Knox at the Hilltop Vineyard, 442 Pencarrow Rd, Tamahere (about 5-10 minutes drive from Hillcrest). For more info, visit www.hilltop.net.nz. Party Time with Richard O’Brien - show at Founders Theatre featuring the musical works of Richard O’Brien, creator of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. One night only on Saturday 17th March. Head to www.ticketek.co.nz to purchase tickets. Henry Rollins - being his provocative and humourous spoken-word show to Clarence St on 11th April. A quick browse through YouTube will help give you an idea of his brilliant and scathing commentary on the state of music, politics and other social issues. Tickets available from www.ticketek.co.nz Riff Raff Issue 4 - a publication dedicated to celebrating the creative people of Hamilton. Features arts, crafts, poetry, photography, recipes, reviews and more. Each issue itself is a beautiful work of art, organised by local designer Emily Russell. Copies can be purchased from Machina (67 London St), ArtsPost (120 Victoria St) and Browsers Book Store (221 Victoria St).

skinny.co.nz

Available only on Skinny. Skinny terms and charges apply. If your account has enough credit your weekly combo subscription will renew automatically each week and $4 will be debited from your Skinny account credit, go to skinny.co.nz to change or update your plan. If your weekly combo plan ends for any reason, Skinny’s casual prepaid rates will apply. 40 mins calling applies to standard NZ landlines and mobiles on NZ networks only, and excludes calls to international or premium rate numbers. National person to person texts only. If you exceed your weekly combo plan limits, Skinny’s overage rates of 39c a min for calls to standard NZ landlines and mobiles on NZ networks, 9c a text to NZ networks and 30c a MB will apply. Additional charges apply while roaming. See skinny.co.nz for more info.